#fuck Superman

[rustingcat]

OK, this deserves its own post!

Superman is the biggest dick ever. I'm so mad!

This post is a continuouation of my dive into the nonsense that is Supergirl Silver Age comics. You can find part 1 here.

So, superman have left his only blood relative and only other survivor of their dead planet in a random orphanage in a different city and just left.

Kara had been accumulating knowledge on her new strange planet by herself while simultaneously trying to control her new powers and save people in secret.

Why secret if she already has a secret identity, you ask? Because Superman decided she should not let anyone know that there is even a Supergirl in existence! So, despite yearning to find a new family and a place to belong to, she sabotage her own adoption attempts and a chance to find a new home so she can keep her promis to Superman!

So one day, when she meets krypto, she is so excited and lets herself be free for the first time since she landed on earth. They play together underground so no one can see her. But big ol' Sups catches her and calls her out for disobeying him.

So, of course, he put Kara into a small rocket and yeet her out to a floating asteroid in space to banish her for A YEAR!

What the actual fuck dude!

And then she spent a week surviving by herself, watching her friends from a distance because Superman didn't tell her she couldn't watch them from afar.

She gets a message from Sup that she needs to return for one day because of a kryptonite bullshit. Unsurprisingly, people have been looking for her cause an orphan disappeared for a week! So she dirty herself to keep her identity a secret and manage to fight off all the reporters who ask her questions, all expect one. Clark Kent grabs her and starts accusing her of lying because her skin is so smooth. (WTF)

She realised it's Superman (who didn't tell her his identity until then) and reveals herself to him. He tells her it was all a test to see if she can maintain her secret identity!

So she asks if it means she can finally reveal herself to the world, and he says no.

This cruel test was so he could tell her his fucking name! THAT SHE FIGURED OUT HERSELF!

I hate him so much.

[daydreamerwonderkid]

RIP to Bruce. Can't get a single night to himself smh

[frownyalfred]

Bruce Wayne is so much stronger than me, because if I was him I would walk straight up to Lex Luthor at a fundraiser, lean down, and whisper you want to fuck Superman so bad it makes you look stupid in his ear before flitting away with zero context.

[fakeicecubes]

I truly think that Bruce would protect his kids with his life from the media/paparazzi. Like when he first adopted Dick all articles surrounding him and his parents death vanished. Or how he played up his Brucie performance when Damian first went to a WE gala because he’s never had to deal with the press before. And I KNOW it killed him when Jason’s death was announced but that was the one thing they couldn’t keep from the media.

One day, pre-identity reveal, Clark goes to a charity gala and asks a young Tim drake and Cassandra Cain about their opinions on the subject. A BUNCH of reporters are giving him looks but Clark can’t tell what for. Until Bruce Wayne walks up to with a stone cold expression. But Clark was perfectly polite and Tim and Cass tell Bruce they actually enjoyed expressing their opinions. The next day in the Planet their words weren’t twisted. And now whenever article comes out about the Waynes(still a rare occurrence but it’s something) it’s written by a certain Clark Kent.

[mild-and-hammered]

So, I know the fandom (myself very included) love to talk about JLA playing fuck marry kill with Brucie Wayne as an option...but I offer an alternative. Bruce overhears a conversation between Clark, Diana, and Hal.

Clark: No I mean if we're playing, I'd fuck you Diana, obviously it would be a wonderful night--

Diana: and all the way into the morning, obviously

Clark: Obviously. And I'd marry Batman, so sorry Hal, I guess you gotta go.

Hal, outraged: Marry Bats???? Over Me???

Clark: Yeah, hello, have you seen him? No offense and all, but if you get the chance to sleep with wonder woman you kinda have to. And if I marry Batman I get sweet gadgets, nerdy banter, awful coffee, and I get to use the little ears on the cowl as handles while I bend him over the breakfast table every morning.

(plot twist, Clark totally knows Batman's there and this is his extremely weird and roundabout way of flirting)

[spidey-webs]

I've seen ten billion arts of the Bats being cool and scary in the dark which I do love BUT

HOW COME I NEVER SEE ART ALONG THE LINES OF THIS??????

this is way scarier holy shit

[theaceofarrows]

The Justice League meeting Jason for the first time

Robin Jason: Come on, you egg sucking piece of gutter trash! You like pushing people around who are smaller than you? Well, I'm smaller. Try pushing me!

Lex Luthor: What did you just call me?! Egg sucking-

Robin Jason: [launches all 4ft of his feral self at Lex]

Superman: Uhh, should we help him?

Batman: [shakes his head]

[Jason running circles around Lex while mocking him]

Wonder Woman: Are you certain we shouldn't assist him?

Nightwing: Nah, don't worry he's fine. He just has a case of crime fighting zoomies to work out

[Jason, knocks Lex down after throwing as many smokebombs and batarangs as he can]

Jason: Learn your place you Mr. Clean looking B-lister lump of trash!

Everyone other than Batman and Nightwing: ...

Green Lantern: I really like this little dude! Let's keep him!

[breadandblankets]

au where the bats manage to stay urban legends, sure other heroes know of them, but they help largely from the shadows, they aren't put on display and they're hardly known at All outside of the strange circle of gotham's goons

that changes when duke thomas stares batman down and says on no uncertain terms that he's working day shift

the signal is Gotham's first confirmed superhero, and he wears a bat on his chest

social media goes Wild fighting over whether the Batman existed all along or if someone finally got the tech and powers to make the bat (or a bat) Real

suddenly the world of superheros feels a lot more real to the citizens of Gotham who got used to horrible disasters being either ignored or neatly cleaned away from the public eye, now there's a guy getting thrown through windows and helping grannies cross the street and the war between gotham and metropolis gets even more cut throat

[sasswonfp]

This joke came to me in a fit of laughter (ALT description provided :3!)

[im-not-buying-it-ether]

Still not over the “Captain Marvel is 8’5” to Billy Batsons 5’4”” reblog and thinking of someone seeing this unit of a man with all the kindness and positive radiance of a pure hearted child stopping a giant robot from crushing them like “sorry to bother you, I’ll get this out of your way lickety split!” And when he’s done demolishing the robot and looking like the wrath of god while doing so he just pops back down to ask if he can pet someone’s dog he saw while fighting.

The dog loves him, people are slightly perturbed bc he doesn’t even look human, he does but he’s uncanny. Just perfect symmetrical face with no blemishes and hair that refuses to budge but so unapologetically sweet and courteous Fawcett gets used to him and just get used to him being a home grown sweetheart.

Cue anyone else seeing him, like the League, and its alarm bells. He’s too good, he’s too perfect looking, and by god why is he so big.

First day? Batmans is upset he can’t find a facial match, Clark is suddenly in everyone else’s shoes at having to crane his neck to talk to the guy most the time, and Barda challenges him to a few strength tests he stalls out to have pleasant conversations with her during.

Diana just rings up the Olympians like “hey, did you guys make someone because this guy doesn’t look human right and says he works for Zeus.”

Again, down the line, identity reveal after the JL just got used to him after a week, and they are staring down at this scrawny teenager with chunky glasses, hearing aids, a face only a mother could love with all the scars, and rope burn scars on his wrists as he politely waves and introduces himself as radio host Billy Batson.

[bbbbbbbbatman]

Bruce and Clark start dating and Clark finds himself spending more time around the batkids and whenever he's losing an argument he just says "yeah? well I fucked your dad."

It's very effective.

[sisaloofafump]

The chaos in this bodyswap...

Aquaman controlling Wonder Woman's body. Batman in Superman's. J'onn in Aquaman's. Steel/John Henry in Green Lantern/Kyle Rayner's.

Batman was actually very interesting in Superman's skin:

Body swaps with them are always just so fun.

This is JLA: Foreign Bodies, a oneshot from 1999

[frownyalfred]

Enough with Lois being flattered and seduced by Bruce Wayne. I want Clark blushing like a school girl every time Bruce gets within ten feet, and Lois wants to know why.

So of course she sleeps with him. Mostly to prove to Clark that Wayne isn’t all that and a bag of snacks. A little bit because hey, Wayne isn’t exactly horrible to look at, even if her vibrator has more sentience.

And then, in the middle of trying to prove to Clark that there’s absolutely nothing to get flustered about, Wayne rocks her fucking world. Not once, not twice, not a fluke — all weekend. In between rounds she spots him doing the New York Times crossword in pen and decides it’s a hallucination.

She limps (happily) back to the office on Monday and when Clark brings up Bruce Wayne again, she keeps her mouth shut.

[oifaaa]

I'm curious how many people are actually aware that Superman's identity is public knowledge in current comics especially people who like ship Bruce and Clark together bc I think theres a lot of comedic potential to explore in universes were Bruce and Clark either used to date or pretended to at some point so now Bruce has to deal with reporters hounding him about his ex boyfriend like

[robintherobiner]

Superman meets Batman for the first time and, because of his superhearing, he can tell that the man’s heart is pounding. Gosh, the poor man must be terrified, after all he does have a rule about no metas. For a human superhero, knowing other people are much stronger must be so scary! So Superman tries his best to seem small and less overwhelming, but Batmans heart rate just keeps going up! Luckily, the man seems to be speaking normally, so maybe its not a big deal? How brave of him, ignoring his fears to help people.

After the Justice League is formed, Clark finds out about Bruce’s contingency plans, and unlike the others, he’s not surprised. He’s already such a paranoid man, but being on a team full of metas, well, Clarks shocked he’s not shaking in his boots. Bruce hides his fear so well! If it wasn’t for his super hearing, he’d never know that Bruce takes a sharp inhale every time he uses his super strength, or that the mans heart starts beating like a million times a minute whenever he enters the room.

Then one day, they’re all in the Watchtower, Bruce drops the pen he was using to write out the plan for their mission, and Clark happily picks it up. As soon as he bends down, Bruce’s heart starts beating rapidly. When he straightens back up, Clarks face is bright red and he can’t meet Bruce’s eye. Is his butt scary?!?!??!

[nofacednerd]

so this was basically the end of tonight’s episode right