#i am here to educate the best i can with my own experiences

[answersfromzestual]

I just wanted to say thank you for starting this blog. With r/phallo still being gone (to my knowledge) it's been really hard to find info about phallo and hear people's experiences, and this has helped a lot already.

You're welcome, I'm so glad I can be helpful.

Thank you for taking the time to write this, anon. It made my heart all warm and fuzzy. I'm glad I can be of service.

I want to help spread the truth. I was lied to about phalloplasty a LOT when I was younger, being told they often fall off, or some friend of a friends horror story... I was always pushed towards metoidioplasty (nothing wrong with it, just not what I wanted).

I knew I wanted it since I was two. I wanted an average penis. I wanted for once to fit in, but as my true self.

I didn't care about what anyone said. To me I needed this penis to make me feel whole.

The only thing I had to go by was few medical journal entries, anti propaganda, and one amazing YouTube video that I feel has been wiped off the earth. That one video back in like 2005 was so amazing to see a dude, see him with this amazing phalloplasty penis.

I know others also need phalloplasty to have the penis they want, but there is so much misinformation, if any information at all.

I remember walking into the doctors office again (after top) and I was shaking. Worried about one thing "will it fall off?. When I finally asked "what are the chances of it falling off?" And the doctor said "there is less than a 1% chance, as long as you are healthy. And if it does fall off, you have another arm".

I didn't know basically anything about phalloplasty, in depth, until two weeks before my surgery.

There are lots of what ifs, but I'm here trying my best to answer those questions.

Sorry about my novel.

I wish you, anon the best, and everyone else.

✌️

[aurae-rori]

DR RATIO ANALYSIS

SPOILERS FOR 2.1 CONTENT!

Now, you might be saying - "Aurae, Oh No! and Are You Satisfied? are much too basic songs to analyze Dr. Ratio to! Just because he's a scholar doesn't mean that he has academic trauma!" WRONG! Before we start, I have been researching psychology for approximately six years and I plan to go into it professionally. HOWEVER, that said, I am NOT a professional (YET. One day I will be. Yay for Aurae!) so understand that everything I come to conclusions about has been analyzed with some personal judgement, personal interpretations, and this is just what I have concluded with the info that I have deconstructed from his brain. If you disagree, that's fine!

I will be pulling from my own experiences with being a "golden" and "gifted" child, as well as the experiences I've had speaking to other people who were those. I will also be pulling from my experiences of researching and seeing how people with superiority complexes work, as well as diving into how those work (from what I've seen, as well as how they conceal a lack of self-esteem).

OKAY, NOW THAT THAT LONG AHH DISCLAIMER IS OVER, ALLOW ME TO WORK MY PSYCH ENJOYER MAGIC! Let's deconstruct Dr. Ratio like a lego toy.

Let's start off with how Dr. Ratio presents himself. When you first meet him, he seems like a haughty, arrogant asshole. He likes to PRESENT himself as a stoic, superior scholar who is purely in it to win it, and I got total "*stares down at your tiny body and laughs at how you lack knowledge*" vibes at the very start, due to how he goes around calling people idiots all the time. However, he DOES lose the idgaf war, and we can very quickly see that he does care for other people, even if in his own, strange way. Dr Ratio presentation: An asshole. The reality?

His entire character is based around the idea of helping the masses. He wishes to spread knowledge through the cosmos and give people who didn't have access to it, access. He's a harsh teacher, and calling people 'idiots' is NOT the way to motivate them, but he's doing his best™.

Actually, no, I'm going to go full psych into this. Okay, so here starts the Dr. Ratio and my FATHER COMPARISONS. My father is a professor and he is often called a harsh grader by his students. However, I've spoken to him multiple times because I was curious - why is he so harsh and diligent with his grading system? The answer is - he wants them to actually learn. When he's grading, he gives them harsh marks because he wants them to know exactly where they messed up, and he's always willing to stay after hours to help students understand where they can't. My father also is an enjoyer of knowledge, and for as long as I've remembered, he has prioritized teaching me how to think critically. He wants me to be able to think for myself - and I think that's what Dr. Ratio wants, too. He wants for his students to be able to fully comprehend and absorb the information that he teaches, and although his methods are harsh, he genuinely wants to help. My father's like this too - he hates students that waste his time or aren't here because their hearts are in it. Dr. Ratio hates people who aren't taking their education seriously because knowledge is important. Knowledge is a tool, and to disregard it completely is lowkey kind of insulting - especially when there are people who weren't privileged enough to actually get it, so this isn't something that you should take for granted. Dr. Ratio despises people who take knowledge for granted.

Also, I disagree with the claims that say that Dr. Ratio hates the genius society. He shows open respect for them in his voice lines. Just check them if you need proof. Also, I'll delve into the idea of Aeons and recognition later.

Now that we’ve established that Dr. Ratio kins my dad, let’s let's tackle the 'stoic' allegations. He is LOSING the idgaf war. Like, really badly. He has a temper of a thousand suns and snaps at people frequently, despite his 'impassive' face, his tone holds a LOT of emotion. He seems to feel very deeply and has a shit ton of empathy for others - why else would he be dedicating his entire career to helping others? Of course, he doesn't express this in 'typical' ways of being openly kind - but it doesn't mean that he doesn't care for other people. In fact, he seems to be pretty good at putting himself in the shoes of others and understanding them - expressed in the 2.1 quest where he tells Aventurine to tell him if he can't hold on any longer. Also, he loses the IDGAF war because he is actively trying to help people who want to learn and trying to spread logic and knowledge across the cosmos to those who didn't have it before. Would a man who didn't GAF do that? No!

Now that we've covered his view on knowledge and the way that he presents himself, let's turn to the way that he SEES himself. Now, this is where we get into the nitty gritty of gifted child trauma & academic trauma as well as crippling expectations. It's literally explicitly said in his character stories that he sees himself as mediocre, and it's canon that he doesn't have a good view of himself. His self-esteem is down in the fucking trenches along with my sanity as I write this analysis. The reality is - being called a genius your whole life doesn't really make you feel better about yourself. I'd know. I was. In fact, it makes you feel fucking worse when you can't live up to an expectation. We all fail in life. It's part of being human. But when you're held to such high standards - idolized for your knowledge and the way that you're 'gifted' - the crash comes really fucking hard. Failure is inevitable, and when people who are held on that pedestal experience it, they take it really bad.

The reality is that nobody - not even geniuses - are perfect, but you grow up believing that you are. Then, when you fail for the first time, it all comes tumbling down. The first time I came home with a bad grade was one of the most humiliating moments of my life. I hadn't studied because I was arrogant and I thought that I was smart enough to pass without putting any extra effort into it - because I was a 'gifted' child, right? I should've been able to do it without studying like the other kids. And that's the thing with gifted children – you grow reliant on that title. You cling onto it for dear life for motivation, as well as self-perception. Little by little, the person you are falls apart as you slave away to the perception other people have of you. I think basically every gifted child that I've ever spoken to is a victim of this – and of course, you can heal from this mindset - but it's a hard one to shake.

Ratio's way of presenting himself as being a 'genius' and 'arrogant' also seems to contradict the way that he calls himself 'mundane' at the same time. However, these are two mindsets that can coexist. One part of you believes that you are a genius and that you are perfect, while the other part is crumbling and calling yourself good-for-nothing every time you make a mistake. It's a tiring cycle to live in. This usually leads to people shutting themselves out and closing themselves off after living like that, pushing back your own feelings in favour of being the perfect child. However, we don't know the exact details of Dr. Ratio's childhood, but we can infer that he was held to a pedestal, and this is a very harmful mindset for a child to have.

His superiority complex comes both from how other people view him, but it's a way to cope with his crippling lack of self-esteem. I'm sorry my guy. Also helping others probably helps him feel like he's worth something and makes him feel better because he bases his entire worth off of what he can do and how he can help others. However, this is just my personal interpretation backed by what I have already deconstructed. 

In general, this is an easy way to crush self-esteem. You spend your whole life working to meet the image of what other people think you are. In fact, another reason why Dr. Ratio might be so harsh is because that’s the kind of attitude he holds towards himself when conducting research – he’s as hard on himself as he is to others. You end up hating the idea of failure, instead of seeing it as it should be - a way to improve and grow. Actually, I think this could be a reason that he went out of his way to break that illusion of 'worshipping geniuses' in the Space Station. Maybe some sort of childhood connection? Personal connection? In his endeavour to spread more knowledge and make people think for themselves and not blindly follow geniuses, to wake them up and let them think for themselves - maybe, somewhere, in there, he's helping that little child that was almost dehumanized for his intelligence. TLDR: Conflicting mindsets due to trauma, brain vs heart almost - his knowledge that he is a genius vs the crippling lack of his self worth.

Now that we've established Dr. Ratio's self worth, let's take a look at the impact Aeons had on him. Nous, the Aeon of Knowledge itself. I think in a world where the Gods are real, tangible beings that you can reach out and talk to - it makes sense that someone with high ambition and someone who's been called a genius his whole life would seek the confirmation of Nous. When you're a man of knowledge, and you've spent your whole life working with it, being praised for it – it feels natural to look for a god to look down upon you and bless you, right? The Genius Society – it should house him, because he is a genius as well, right? Imagine this – you have been called a genius your whole life, held to that kind of pedestal for so long, and now you wait for the recognition of the Gods. Because if you truly are a genius – then surely, a higher being will recognize your intelligence, right?

The invitation never comes.

And then, comes the doubt.

What if I'm really not a genius? What if everything I've worked for is a lie? Aeons are beings that are 'absolute'. If the god of Knowledge won't accept you or even cast a glance upon you, does that mean that everything was wrong. Gods see more than humans, after all. Gods know more than humans - and that spiral... I think you can see if. (If you don't let me know. I will ramble about how a failure like that can make you spiral down into a worse mindset). 

However, the reason why Ratio was never invited to the Genius Society is simple. It’s because he LOSES THE IDGAF WAR. Now, if we look at all the people we know who are in the Genius Society - we find one thing in common. They’re in it to win it for themselves. They don’t help others using the knowledge that they’ve gotten - they use it to pursue shit for themselves. The people of the Genius Society are inherently self-serving. They WIN the idgaf war. Ratio LOSES. Do we see now? 

Ratio’s empathy is the reason why he wasn’t let in. He is too human. Nous is a computer. Herta is detached from people. Ruan Mei is literally looking at life as test subjects. Screwllum is a robot. 

OUR DOCTOR MAN LOST THE IDGAF WAR, BECAUSE HE IS HUMAN AND FEELS FOR OTHERS!!! 

Also, it’s a plausible theory that Nous’s definition of ‘genius’ is different from the human definition of ‘genius’ – it’s a computer, after all. Who knows what’s going on in that code head of its. 

However, we still love you Ratio. Never stop losing the IDGAF war. 

TLDR: Nous is a computer. It is also in it to win it. It is also self serving. It gazes upon the hoes who are here to win it for themselves. Ratio is busy serving the masses and cooking knowledge in his frying pan. To it, there is no logical reason to be doing this. Therefore, no reason to invite this guy to the Genius Society. 

Ratio’s gifted child trauma says otherwise. He wants in. Why wouldn’t he? He’s been working his whole life as a genius. 

Nous is like… nah bro, you care too much. Ratio is like, ‘what the fuck?’ And then the AEON OF KNOWLEDGE GOES FOR THE MILK. 

Okay, now, quick shoutout to Ratio wanting to help others. He is just like me fr. SO BASICALLY, RECAP OF EVERYTHING I JUST SAID:

Ratio LOSES the idgaf war because he cares about other people. Spent his whole life as the golden egg, and then turns to the gods for recognition because of the inherent trauma of being a child genius. He goes, "hey bro, can you confirm that I am in fact a genius?" and Nous goes, "no, you are too busy cheffing for the masses." Ratio goes, "what the fuck?" and then we collectively realize his attitude comes from blocking off his feelings (while failing miserably), being salty about not being recognized, being put on a pedestal for his whole life, and his crippling depression *cough* lack of self worth *cough*. 

Oh, and the "I will never be enough" thought train probably hits him every single day. He is not enough to be recognized by a God. Gods are superior to humans. Maybe nothing has worth after all. Hey, that's Nihility! Hi IX, let's hear what you have to say.

*muffled ix noises*

I see, I see.

The consensus is: HE'S TRAUMATIZED BY EXPECTATIONS! HE WILL PROBABLY SUFFER FROM BURNT OUT GIFTED CHILD IF HE HAS NOT ALREADY!

Okay, now, before I delve into song lyrics (and I KNOW this has been long, just bear with me) I want to talk a little bit (read: a lot) about his relationship with Aventurine. We all know that he cares about Aventurine in his own way. But I want to pull in another idea that I didn’t cover before: 

Ratio’s fucking emotional constipation. 

Basically, the reason why he has trouble connecting with others is because he was most likely alienated by others as a symptom of being called a genius and being put on a pedestal. This makes him seem unapproachable to his peers, most likely, and therefore, as a result, doesn’t know how to properly connect with others. This just makes his way of presenting affection and care to others even more challenging – because he just doesn’t know how to do it in a healthy and clear way. Academic trauma causing emotional problems, because he’s probably a little bit out of touch with his own. Processing? No! Research. Also, this is very important for understanding Ratio’s character in my opinion, because he’s just a little guy who doesn’t know how to articulate. Maybe he’s got a touch of the ‘tism. Tism mutuals, do we agree or disagree? 

However, in comes Aventurine. Love Aventurine, but they are both emotionally constipated. Aventurine displays his affection in ways that Ratio probably only catches after re-analyzing their time together about five times. He’s also a very closed off individual – but Ratio knows this. A cute thing is that Ratio is patient where he needs to be, even if he’s generally a pretty hot-headed guy, and I’m like… bro… that letter… “I wish you the best of luck”... I will wait for you…. GAY ASS MAN…

Sorry the Aventio demons took over. Anyway, what I’m trying to say here is that they both have nonverbal communication with one another that they clearly decipher and Ratio obviously cares for him (he came back and almost jeopardized the plan just for the sake of his ‘coworker’... okay gayboy…) and they just have such a neat little dynamic… Aventurine lets Dr. Ratio do his thing… understands his emotional alienation to a degree…. they’re so neat….

Okay, Aventurine segment over. NOW, FINALLY, WE CAN GET TO THE SONG LYRICS!!! YAY!!!! We all cheered!!!

We are going to be here for two more amber eras, because I realized I actually want to analyze every single lyric from both of these songs. Brace yourself for like, 2k more words. Help. 

I think it’s only proper that we start off with ‘Oh No!’ the song that has haunted me since my childhood.

“Don’t do love, don’t do friends

I’m only after success

Don’t need a relationship

I’ll never soften my grip”

Remember when I mentioned that alienation was a big part of Ratio lore? Yeah, that manifests itself in this. When you spend your entire life chasing after knowledge and being held to that standard of untouchable genius, it makes sense that you couldn’t connect with others and that you turn your gaze only to success. Therefore, relationships that are interpersonal lose meaning for a bit – you’re just looking for answers and ways to help them, not connect with them. Also, this is what he wants to do – so he’s never going to pass down an opportunity to better himself or to help someone else. 

“Don’t want cash, don’t want card

Want it fast, want it hard 

Don’t need money, don’t need fame

I just want to make a change

I just wanna change, I just wanna change” 

This is directly alluding to his reasonings for distributing knowledge across the cosmos. Was he based on this song? Maybe he was. He’s not looking for money or fame, his ultimate goal is actually pretty selfless – to bring knowledge and give people the tools they need to think for themselves. He just wants to make a change – he just wants people to be able to have access to knowledge and help cure ‘stupidity’. He wants to do it as quickly as possible, always reaching for lofty goals that might seem impossible, but he will make them possible. 

“I know exactly what I want and who I want to be

I know exactly why I walk and talk like a machine

I’m now becoming my own self-fulfilled prophecy

Oh! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no, oh!” 

Ratio knows his goal. He knows what he’s working towards. I do believe that he understands why he is the way that he is – he has a degree in Psychology, after all. He knows how he’s been hurt but at the same time, the trauma brain probably doesn’t want to recognize it and he hasn’t stepped into healing yet. He knows what he went through impacted him, but he’s too busy helping others to help himself. He’s becoming what he wants to be, and yet he’s not, all at the same time – which causes the idea of “oh no!” as a kind of cry for help, almost. He’s too proud to ask for it himself, of course, so he’ll fall alone until someone manages to catch him and give him the strength to continue holding on. Aventurine is that. 

“One track mind, one track heart

If I fail, I’ll fall apart

Maybe it is all a test

‘Cause I feel like I’m the worst

So I always act like I’m the best” 

Now, these are the exact lyrics that made me associate this song with Ratio in the first place. He’s got a singular goal that he will do nothing to stop at getting, that he goes so far to get to. However, as I mentioned earlier, failure is not an option for those who were deemed gifted or genius. You are perfect, so therefore you must live up to everyone’s every expectation and surpass them, too, in order to keep your perception of yourself intact. Ratio does not hold himself in high regard, but acts arrogant in order to hold himself together and not fall to the self-deprecating thoughts, even if they fall through the cracks. It gets tiring to hold yourself together like that for a long time, you know? 

“I’m gonna live, I’m gonna fly

I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna die

I’m gonna live, I’m gonna fly

I’m gonna fail, I’m gonna die” 

Remember how I was talking about contradictory mindsets and how they can coexist. This is them. The feeling of crippling self-hatred and lack of self esteem versus the idea that you can do it, you can make a difference – you were born a genius, this is what you’re going to do. This is the knowledge that you are a genius vs the lack of self-esteem that Ratio has. “Mediocre” vs “genius” mindset, eh? 

All the other lyrics in this song are repetitions of what I’ve analyzed before, so let’s move onto “Are you Satisfied?” 

To be honest, there are only a few lines in this song that allow me to connect it to Ratio, so therefore, I will only be analyzing them. However, if you think that other lyrics can connect to him, I’d be interested in knowing how. 

“What you’re gonna be 

It’s not my problem if you don’t see what I see

And I do not give a damn if you don’t believe

My problem, it’s my problem that I never am happy

It’s my problem, it’s my problem on how fast I will succeed”

Pretending to not care about how the world sees you is so fucking real. Sometimes, you really don’t give a shit, and sometimes it’s all you can think about. Ratio… doesn’t seem like he’s the happiest person. He works himself hard and he’s always chasing after a goal that must be exhausting. He’s always doing his best, and I think even with his empathy, it’s easy to start not giving a shit after trying for so long and so hard. Accepting help is one of the hardest things that anybody can do, especially with how much pride he has. His personal problems are his personal problems and he can deal with them on his own. 

“High achiever, don’t you see? 

Baby, nothing comes for free

They say I’m a control freak

Driven by a greed to succeed

Nobody can stop me” 

Nothing comes for free. A lot of the things Ratio has achieved is due to his own intelligence, yes, but also because of a shit ton of hard work. His goal is literally to cure the universe of ‘stupidity’ – and that’s a pretty large fucking goal. He is a high achiever who likes to know the details of every situation when he can in order to try and make things better, and he is driven by a greed to succeed. Why wouldn’t he be? Success is important, and success means helping more people. He isn’t going to allow himself to be stopped by anybody – not even anybody from the Genius society. 

Okay, and we have finally reached the end of my analysis! This caps at around 4k words, so if you stuck around for this long, thank you so much. I would love to hear any of your comments, and I hope you laughed a little bit. Thank you again! This means so much to me that you read. <3

[erebus0dora]

ok so i promised you a rant on Eric Bogosian, and i pinky promise i'll try to keep the story short (those beautiful people i've already privately spewed my fascination at deserve peace and love 💜)

TL;DR: Eric Bogosian is a good researcher and judge of human nature, which honestly shouldn't be surprising given his experience, links below

it is easy to google Eric (i'll call him that not out of disrespect, it's just shorter) and get to a conclusion he's just a slightly awkward old man who had extremely weird youth and gives off a powerful bi vibe just for shits and giggles; which is fair, given the wild way he handles most interviews

but hear me out, i'm not an expert, i'm just a book kind of girl. so i sought out the books, and into the books i looked.

back in 1988 he was nominated for Pulitzer's for his "Talk Radio", and i count that as one of the first cases of him using a real story to weave a (semi)fictional one. it is a powerful play, and a gut-punching movie, but I am mentioning it not because of its ehhh artistic value. in my book, it's a proof of the way he tends to critically re-imagine the things he sees and analyses.

keep that in mind when you google his "Operation 'Nemesis".

he initially started looking into the history of Armenian genocide as into the material worth developing into a plot for a movie. but, in his own words, and i quote, "I wrote this book because I had no choice. The Nemesis story required more attention than a simple screenplay."

he is still not a scientist, mind that - and his book reads as a work of fiction. say, there's no way one can look into the head of a deceased person and know their feelings, but one can guess; and Eric guesses, of course. but the fun part is that he makes educated guesses. nearly for each presumption there's a source. a footnote. a quote.

what really strikes me is that he looked into ONE plot line and fished out a complex slice of history, dripping with CONTEXT. White Russian emigration? it's in there. early stages of oil industry? check. the colourful background of Europe in early XX century? all there.

there's no wonder he spent seven years on this book.

i repeat: SEVEN. YEARS.

call me sapiosexual, but that was the moment when i stopped and thought: ok, THIS IS HOT.

what also impresses me is the way he speaks of his past. he admits he's done wild shit, and adds that the best part was the moment he understood he didn't need to be high to be creative. it's the underlying power of "yeah, been there, got better, SO CAN YOU" that gets me.

to keep things short, i'm adding links:

here's a vid where he speaks of the book on Armenian genocide (i had personal reasons to tear up a bit while listening, ngl)

and here's a vid where he speaks of acting, writing, and improv, that basically broke my art block, for which i am going to be grateful for fucking ever, i guess

(if you got to this point of my rant, you deserve a hug and a respectful kiss on the mouth if you're ok with that. go have a lovely day 💜)

[twice-inamillion]

The Company

Newest Recruit 

Story Building and Fluff

Chapter 8

3,160 Words

(You and Mina’s family have a talk about her enjoying the company. Jessica goes to America to buy her new home. A new set of trainees arrive to the company from a different company.)

After talking to Mina and the choreographer, you ask them for an appointment to talk to her parents. Mina agrees and calls her mom to see when the best time to talk to them both. 

You return to your hotel and talk to your assistants about recruiting her into the company. As you’re going over some possible offers, you can make you receive a phone call from the choreographer telling you that Mina and her family can meet tomorrow evening. I am glad about the rapid response and that you prepared everything for your meeting.

It’s the following day, and you’re standing in front of her house and ringing the doorbell. It doesn’t take too long for the door to open, and you see an older female, assuming to be the mother. “Good evening; you must be here because of Mina, correct?”

“Yes. Thank you for inviting me to your home.”

“Come, take a seat. I’ll call Mina and her father over.”

“Thank you,” walking to the living room and sitting on the couch.”

You see Mina walking down the stairs to the living room, “Good evening,” she shyly waved her hand. She sits on the couch across from you and waits for both her parents to arrive. 

From the kitchen, Mina’s parents and the choreographer walk to the living room with drinks and snacks.

“Sorry for the wait; we wanted to bring snacks for us to enjoy.”

Once everyone is seated, you introduce yourself as the CEO of Olympus Entertainment, surprising everyone. Knowing some information about the company, the choreographer briefs the parents on the benefits offered to the trainees and the education they get.

Both the parents smile when they hear about the great benefits offered and the chance to finish their education, unlike other companies.

“We like that your company allows them to finish their studies. We want Mina to finish her schooling if possible,” says Mina’s dad.

“Yes, we understand that joining the entertainment business isn’t what some parents see as an ideal job. Here, out of our company, we want everyone to receive higher education in case the trainees decide to change their career path. We also allow them to gain experience in the field by applying to be staff in our company.”

Her parents seem a bit more comfortable hearing that there is a backup plan just in case she doesn’t want to continue. You go over on why you want Mina in your company and what you are willing to offer. 

“I’m glad you think highly of our daughter and her talents. She’s been a good girl, and we think she should make this decision on her l own,” says Mina’s mom. 

Mina shyly speaks up, “I want to go. I’m a bit nervous, but I think it’d be nice to meet other people who enjoy dancing.” 

“Are you sure, Mina?” asks her dad.

“Yes, Ceo-nim complimented my dancing a lot, so I don’t want it to go to waste.”

Her mom then asks, “Okay, then it’s decided. Please take care of our daughter and her future.”

“I will.”

Mina and her parents sign the contract. You congratulate both of them and assure them they won’t regret it. 

“Do you need her to fly to Korea now?”

Take care of your schooling and enjoy a small break. I’ll personally come and you all to the company and give you a tour and see our facilities.”

As you’re about to leave, Mina walks up and grabs the edge of your jacket, “CEO-nim, I won’t disappoint you,” as she plays with her fingers.

——————

It’s been a few days after signing Mina to your label, and you have been preparing for her arrival. During the week, you also had Jessica living with you after collecting her items from her apartment. She tells you about her plan to return to America and set up her own fashion brand. 

During her stay at your place, Jessica has looked online for possible houses to buy during her stay back in San Francisco. “What do you think about this one?” she asks. 

“That one looks nice; it has a nice backyard, and it's not directly in the middle of the city.”

“I like this one too, but it seems busy.”

“You said you want to relax, so maybe something where there are not too many tourists.”

“It has been nice to see them in person.”

“If you want, I can schedule a few open houses; I’m almost done with what I have to do.”

“But how are we going to get there without getting noticed? I don’t want the public to see me like this.”

“We can take my plane there.” 

“You got a plane?”

“Yes, I don’t want to go through the hassle of chartering a plane, so I just bought one myself.”

You arrive in San Francisco two days later and go to multiple open houses. Most of these homes are in the millions, but you’re willing to spend that much for your child. After a few days of looking, Jessica makes up her mind, and you sign a contract to purchase the house. The both of you stopped by her parents' house to drop off some items before heading back to Korea. Jessica is about to open the door when you hear, “Jessica, is that you?” Out comes a younger version of her, her sister. She looks at you in annoyance and says, “Is that the guy that knocked you up?”

Jessica reacts and smacks her, “Shut up!” The sister runs back inside as Jessica tries to hit her again but fails. “Sorry for the rude girl over there, but that is my younger sister, Krystal.” You try to introduce yourself to her sister, but she ignores you. 

“So, I heard from Mom and Dad that you bought a house nearby.”

“Actually, he bought the house,” she said as she looked in my direction.

“Hmph… that’s the least he could do after getting you pregnant and causing you to get kicked out.”

“Krystal, be quiet.”

“But it’s true. He was the cause for everything.”

“It’s partially my fault, too, not just his.”

The two of them continue to discuss with each other, and you say, “I’m going to be heading back to the airport. I’ll be back to help you move in. Also, send me the information on the fashion line.” Jessica turns around and kisses you on the cheek before you head out. 

————-

A bit over a week has passed, and you are headed to Japan to pick up Mina and her parents. 

They board the plane, and during the flight, you give them the rundown of what they will see during their stay in Korea. 

“After arriving, we can have lunch and tour the campus. I will lead the tour while your items are taken to the hotel I reserved for you during your stay. The second day would be reviewing some fine details about Mina’s stay and looking at the dorms she would be staying in. You then have the next few days to tour around and do as you wish, and the company will pay for it.”

“Ceo-nim, you don’t have to do that,” says Mina’s mom.

“I want to. Mina is the first idol I personally recruited, making it a special moment. Plus, your daughter has a lot of talent, so it would be rude of me not to respond in kindness.”

Mina and Mina’s mom smile while her dad agrees that his daughter is worthy of such consideration.

You all arrive at the company and walk into the main building. You take them through the meeting room, cafeteria, and main practice rooms. The next stop is the education center, where most trainees have classes to finish their education, take extracurricular activities, or want to study. 

The last place is the large building where I have practice rooms for small to large groups or for individual practice. “The place is so big and new,” says Mina’s mom. 

“We want all our trainees and idols with the opportunity to succeed, so we provide them with the best, anywhere from education to mental health.” 

“What about security, like the safety of the trainees and idols?” asks dad.

“The campus is normally closed to the public. Most areas require a security clearance based on the position you have in the company. For example, we separate the trainees and idols to prevent any potential conflict, such as education builds and dorms. Since most of them have a regular schedule, we tend to know where they are at. If there are any irregularities, we use these bracelets to know where they last were since they are used to access building doors.” 

“What about if they get sick? How do they get treatment?” asks Mina’s mom. 

“We do have a health center that can deal with common issues and is planning to build an in-house hospital for all company employees, trainees, and idols.”

“Seems like you all have things figured out,” says Mina’s dad. 

“We want to ensure the safety of everyone here and make it as easy for them to concentrate on their goals. 

After the tour, all of you go out to dinner before calling it a night. “I’ll leave you all for the night and see you early in the morning. You’ll get to experience our cafeteria and see the dorms.”

————-

Early in the morning, you meet Mina and her parents outside the cafeteria. “Good morning.”

“Good morning, Ceo-nim.”

“How was your sleep?”

“It was great; the beds were really comfortable.”

“That’s good to hear. We use the same mattress for our dorms here.” 

“You hear that, Mina. Make sure not to sleep in too much,” says her dad.

“Otōsan… not in front of the Ceo,” whines Mina and covers her embarrassed face.

“It’s fine; I sometimes enjoy a good rest.”

The four of you head to the cafeteria. Mina is surprised by the number of food options that the area offers. “We offer meals three times a day and have cafes and small shops throughout the campus. You can even order a custom meal if given prior notice.”

Mina walks to the line, gets various dishes, and walks out of the line with a gummy smile. 

“Seems like our daughter is going to get accustomed to here in no time,” says Dad in a joking manner.

We all laugh, and Mina turns red again from her dad teasing her. We continue to have breakfast. When we are done, we head out to the dorms where she will stay. 

“The dorms are not that far away but separate from the rest of the campus. We have multiple types of dorms for those who are over of age and who are not. We keep them separate since they have different schedules and rules. Once placed in a group, you are moved to a large dorm based on the number of people within the group. They have a kitchen and more space to get to know each other better and build relationships.”

“So does that mean I get to room with another person?”

“We actually have a room available that is meant for two, but you’ll be using it on your own. Obviously, when we get more trainees, we will pair you up with someone who has similar interests.”

As we walk down the road to the dorms, her parents are amazed by how well-maintained they look. Mina cannot help but comment on how they look like college dorms and is excited to see her own dorm. “Is this my dorm?”

“Actually, yes. The one on the left.” 

You take out your phone and call the dorm manager. She came outside and introduced herself as the one in charge of managing the building and dorm RA. 

She leads the group to the second floor of the building and into the unoccupied wing. “You won't be in this wing, but we are going to use it as an example. Here are the shared bathrooms with multiple stalls and showers cleaned frequently. You are all divided in wings so there are not many who use the bathrooms. There are also individual restrooms throughout the building.”

She then walks to a room and opens it, “This is an example of a double room; there are two beds, a large closet for, and a table.” The parents walk around and seem to like the room, “it’s big. I think you’ll like Mina,” says her mom. “Next, we’ll see a triple room, and it’s much bigger than the double.” 

After the demonstration, the manager walks the group to the dorm that Mina will be occupying. “This will be your room, Mina. It’s a double, but you won't have a roommate as of now. We expect a new round of incoming trainees, so you might be paired up soon.”

“Look, Mina, it has a nice view,” says her dad. 

You comment, “I think you’ll like it. You are more than welcome to return tomorrow so you can help with the move-in process. Let’s return to my office and discuss some minor details.”

You are all in your office and take out two large folders, a copy for the parents and one for Mina. “These will be your copy of the contract, the expectations and the list of benefits, and some of the options we offer in extracurricular activities. Also, we don’t ask for any payment from the parents, and it's covered by us until they debut. After that, we do take out a share of what was invested for training.”

“That sounds more than reasonable; I heard of other companies asking for large amounts of money upfront,” says the dad.

“Yes, some do, but since we are a new company, we want to separate ourselves from them.”

As you and the parents talk, Mina looks at the extracurricular catalog and tries to decide on what she wants to join.

“Do you have an idea, sweetheart?” asks Mina’s mom.

“There are so many options, I can’t make up my mind.”

“It’s okay, Mina. Take your time; choose whenever you are ready.”

Her mom looks through the dance section and says, “I see you don’t offer Ballet.”

“Yes, unfortunately, we don’t have many trainees that practice. It was something that we wanted to have and actually have a room for it, but it's not completed.”

“What do you think, Mina? Do you still want to practice ballet?” asks her dad.

“I don’t know. I want to try other dances, but I also want to continue.”

“If you want, we can complete it for you. I would be more than happy to see you dance again.”

“See, Mina, the CEO himself said that we want to see you dance and is willing to finish its construction just for you,” says her dad.

You see, Mina thinks about it and fiddles with her fingers, “Do you really like my dancing, Ceo-nim?”

“Yes, I really did.”

“Umm… if you like it, then I’ll be more than happy to continue.”

“Aww, sweetie, that’s good to hear,” says her mom. 

“That would be amazing, Mina. Then, I’ll make sure we finish the construction of the studio. You’ll be our first user so it would be like your personal dance studio, haha,.”

“See, Mina, your own studio,” says her mom.

“Thank you so much; I’ll try to live up to your expectations of me,” says Mina shyly.

After that conversation, a member of the trainee team came in and explained the clearance system and the bracelet that Mina would be wearing. This will give her access to her room and other facilities. “We have your information in our system. This bracelet serves as a smartwatch and access key to your room, the buildings you are cleared for, your health profile for the health center, and the cafeteria.”

Mina confirms her information, and the bracelet activates. The team member puts on her bracelet and shows her how it works and what type of data it shows on our end. “This information is kept on our private servers and are not shared anywhere. So when you scan it in a certain location, it only shows based information and nothing else. Try using it here.” 

The screen shows Mina’s basic information as a trainee and a picture. “Okay, it seems like you’re all ready to move in.”

————— 

It’s been a few weeks since Mina moved into the dorms, and she’s been slowly adjusting to her new environment. You call her a few times a week to ask how she is doing or if she needs anything. Like always, she’s shy and soft-spoken. 

Today, you called her to your office to give her some news that will affect her position as a trainee. “Good morning, CEO-nim. I’m here because you wanted to see me.”

“Yes, good morning Mina. Come over and talk a seat.” 

“Is something the matter?”

“Yes. I have been in contact with JYP Entertainment, and we are going to collaborate. The company will receive a couple of its idols as part of an agreement. You will be placed together with them since you’re one of the newest trainees.”

“Do you know how many trainees will be coming over?”

“There will be fifteen others; some of them have trainees for a long time while others have just a few years.”

“Does that mean I'll be getting a roommate?”

“Yes, they should be arriving within a week, so try to make them feel comfortable.”

————-

“I hope you treat my trainees well,” says Park Jin-young.

“Don’t worry. They’re going to enjoy their time here.”

“I hope so.”

You then step forward and introduce yourself, “Hello, everyone. Welcome to Olympus Entertainment. I hope you enjoy your time here and build friendships with those around you.”

All the trainees from JYP, in unison, stand up and say, “Thank you for having us, CEO.”

“All of you already know why you’re here, but, as a formality, introduce yourselves.

“Hello, my name is Im Na-yeon.”

“Hello, my name is Yoo Jeong-yeon.”

“Hello, my name is Hirai Momo.”

“Hello, my name is Minatozaki Sana.”

“Hello, my name is Park Ji-hyo.”

“Hello, my name is Myoi Mina.”

“Hello, my name is Song Min-young.”

“Hello, my name is Park Ji-won.

“Hello, my name is Kim Da-hyun.”

“Hello, my name is Son Chae-young.”

“Hello, my name is Chou Tzu-yu.”

“Hello, my name is Lee Chae-yeon.”

“Hello, my name is Kim Eun-suh.”

“Hello, my name is Jeon So-mi.”

“Hello, my name is Lee Chae-ryeong.”

“Hello, my name is Natty.”

“Welcome once again, all sixteen of you.”

[covid-safer-hotties]

"You Have to Live Your Life:" Responses to Common COVID Minimizing Phrases - Published Aug 6, 2024

If you're still COVIDing, you've likely heard phrases, like "it's mild now," or "you have to live your life," repeated over and over. You might be wondering, "what do I even say here? How do I respond to this?" I've listed some of the most common minimizing phrases and some potential responses to them. Feel free to adapt these and make them your own. I've included a variety of responses with different tones, depending on how much you want to be #saltingthevibes.

I want to recognize you might not always have the time or emotional energy to get into these discussions. Some people unfortunately aren't engaging in good faith, so it's important to be able to discern for yourself when you want to have these conversations. You don't always have to educate people, it can be exhausting! For those times when you want to respond but are at a loss for words in the moment, here are some ideas to get you started.

Starting off with one of my (least) favorites:

"You have to live your life!"

"I am living my life. Wearing a mask doesn't stop me from living my life, it makes it possible for me to do the things I love more safely."

"I'd love to be able to get out and do more things, but unfortunately that's not safe for me because so few people are masking."

"I would be a lot harder to live my life if COVID disabled me."

"Living my life means protecting my health, in the short and long term."

"I've adapted how I live my life based on the research about all of the long term health effects of a COVID infection."

"How long are you going to keep doing this for?"

"I'll probably always wear a mask in public spaces, when you know better you do better!"

"There's no expiration date on keeping myself safe and protecting my health."

"When we've widely implemented clean air standards and there's a sterilizing vaccine for COVID, then I might update my current precautions."

"I really wish I didn't have to do this either! But given what I know about COVID and Long COVID, this is the best choice for me."

"How long are you going to keep doing this for? It seems like you're sick all the time now, it sounds really unpleasant."

"We have to live with COVID."

"I'm glad you agree the government has done a terrible job trying to mitigate the spread!"

"To me, living with COVID means doing what we can to protect ourselves, not just giving up entirely."

"We also have to live with car accidents, that's why I wear my seatbelt to protect myself."

"What if we didn't have to? What if we collectively did more to clean the air and create safer living conditions for all of us?"

"Unfortunately you're right, that's why I'll continue to mask to keep myself and my community safer."

"It's mild now/it's just a cold/flu."

"Many illnesses seem like 'just a cold/flu' when you're first infected, but can still have long term health consequences, like mono or HIV."

"You can develop Long COVID even if your initial symptoms are mild or asymptomatic."

"I'm not as worried about the initial symptoms of the acute infection, I'm more concerned about the significant risk of Long COVID."

"You're lucky your symptoms weren't very severe initially. For me, COVID was a lot worse than a cold."

"I don't want to get sick with a cold either."

"I got it X times and I'm fine!"

"I'm sorry to hear you've had so many infections. COVID can cause silent damage throughout our bodies, it might be a good idea to go in for a check up with your doctor."

"I'm glad you're feeling fine so far, but my experience has been different."

"Your risk of Long COVID increases with each infection, so I'm doing what I can to avoid getting it."

"I hear that in your experience, a COVID infection hasn't been a big deal. Unfortunately not everyone is so lucky and many are dealing with significant Long COVID symptoms."

"You're young and healthy, you'll be fine/ only the vulnerable need to worry."

"I used to think the same thing! It turns out I have some underlying risk factors that mean an infection could be very harmful to me."

"Everyone is at risk of Long COVID, and your risk increases with each infection."

"You cannot know someone's health status by looking at them. A lot of young people are high risk as well."

"I don't appreciate you making assumptions about my health status."

"Did you know more than 75% of Americans have at least one risk factor? More than 40% have two or more, and almost 20% have three or more! Being high risk is more common than you think."

"There are actually a lot of factors that can make someone high risk, like a history of smoking, depression, asthma, ADHD, and more!"

"Kids don't get COVID/it's mild for kids."

"Unfortunately many studies show that rates of Long COVID in kids is similar to the rates in adults."

"COVID is the 8th leading cause of death in children in the US."

"Kids can be high risk for COVID, like if they have asthma, ADHD, autism, diabetes, or other common health issues."

"Kids don't deserve to be repeatedly infected with an illness that we know causes long term damage."

"I'd encourage you to read some of the stories about kids with Long COVID, it's heartbreaking for them and their families."

"Long COVID is rare."

"I'm curious where you learned that, because that doesn't fit into my understanding of Long COVID."

"Studies show rates around 20% of adults infected will go on to develop Long COVID, and many studies show higher rates. Your risk increases with each infection."

"Even if you're right, I'm not willing to risk it."

"Have you noticed an increase in weird symptoms or health issues in your circle? Fatigue, headaches, GI issues, stroke, heart attack, blood clots and a ton of other issues can all be caused by a COVID infection."

"It's more common than you might think, there are over 200+ possible symptoms and it can look different in everyone."

"My doctor doesn't wear a mask."

"Yikes! How unfortunate your doctor isn't up to date on the science and isn't doing more to protect their patients."

"It's too bad how many doctors don't stay up to date with important health information."

"Doctors also used to smoke cigarettes in healthcare facilities and recommend them to patients. Just goes to show you doctors aren't always right."

"The medical field scorned the doctor who recommended they start washing their hands... I'm seeing a lot of parallels here."

"Unfortunately it can take many years for practices like these to become more mainstream."

[bloggingboutburgers]

Hey, allo anon with an ace partner here. I wanted to say thank you so much for the well wishes! I figured I would send this in here again, so anyone else who is curious about what this experience looks like from the other side can see it.

My girlfriend came out to me a little over 2 years into our relationship. At the time it surprised me a lot, because she'd never given me any signs that she wasn't enjoying what we were doing. After we talked more I understood that she wasn't repulsed by sex and she didn't hate it, but she didn't really love it either and wanted to stop doing it for a while (so a sex-neutral ace).

Honestly, at the time, I did get anxious about it. Not just because of social conventions, but because I had viewed sex as an important bonding part of our relationship. I don't do well with change, and I was super worried about how a lack of sex would change our dynamic. I also had some insecurities about my own body, and my girlfriend admitting that she didn't see me as sexy was upsetting. But after speaking to my therapist, I realized that I was projecting my own issues on to the relationship. So I spoke with her again, and she reassured me that she wanted to be with me, and that she was confiding these feelings because she trusted me. She likes how I look, she just doesn't have the same sexual impulses I do.

So, I realized this was pretty much like cuddling. I love physical touch a lot, and I want to cuddle for a much longer time than she does. I like it when someone lies on top of me. She doesn't want me on top of her chest during cuddling. She still cuddles with me, but she tells me when she's satisfied, and we stop.

A few months went by, and I noticed that she wasn't spending any less time with me; she was actually spending more. We would still call every evening when we didn't meet up in person, we would still joke around, and she still told me she loved me and did everything she could to show it to me. We also began trying out new stuff together, and playing games and watching stuff more often. We also still had plenty of physical intimacy with things like cuddling and kissing, which made me really happy.

I realized that I didn't feel like anything was missing from the relationship. I just needed her to show and tell me she loved me in the ways she normally did. Sure, I am still attracted to her that way, but it wasn't something that would make or break the relationship.

It's been years since she came out, and at this point, I never expect anything sexual. It happens rarely, and I always check in with her multiple times before and during. We stop at any point she tells me. There are quite a few hard boundaries about what is and isn't off limits, and I always keep them in mind. I would rather satisfy myself forever than make her uncomfortable, and she knows it.

It's been over 5 years and we are still going strong. I am hoping to ask her to marry me in the next few years, because honestly, I can't picture wanting anyone else by my side. She is kind, funny, beautiful, intelligent, and treats me well. I could never ask for anything more from a partner.

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. I myself definitely lack knowledge of what it feels like from an allo's perspective, so this was very educational for me, but beyond that... You have no idea how much hope this gives me.

From you being aware of how much sex meant to you in the context of your relationship and still being fine without it, to just... Heck, even your therapist for not blaming her for the situation. Therapy is still very much, in my country at least, an area where the absence or lower levels of sexual attraction will be hastily labelled as something wrong physically or mentally, so... Yeah, the amount of relief I felt reading that, you have no idea. And I can only imagine how much your partner appreciates it too.

Honestly I teared up a bit reading this - I sincerely wish you guys all the best and I hope you have a bright future ahead! (Also fun fact, seems you guys have been together as long as my partner and I have, it's nice to be able to relate to that too hehe^^)

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Second Best 2

Warnings: non/dubcon, and other dark elements. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Characters: Lee Bodecker

Summary: The newly-single sheriff sets his eye on an unexpected match.

Part of the Backwoods AU

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging.

You stomp up the porch steps as your dad rocks in the wooden chair, in his usual meditation over a can of Molson. He grunts in his way, acknowledging your return and you shoot back a sharp, ‘hey’. Inside, your mother crochets in front of a soap opera, not looking over as she clacks her needles together. You know better than to try to start a conversation during her programs.

You go to your room behind the stairs and keep yourself from slamming the door. Greta always knows how to ruin your day. She might be right about being your only friend but maybe it’s time to make new ones. This town isn’t just the two of you.

You flop onto your bed sideways and stare at the ceiling. You can’t let her spoil the whole day off. That’s bullshit. What’s the point of spending hours caring about her nonsense. Tomorrow, you’ll be back to cleaning up hotel rooms and wishing you could just lay in bed and do nothing.

You sit up and shake off your agitation. A thorn sticks in your side but you try to ignore it. You could work on your embroidery. The Summer Solstice is coming and you might just talk yourself into sharing a booth with Hilde again. You sold quite a few patches last year.

You pull out your sewing kit and the box of half-finished patches and make a nest on the floor. You turn on the old CD player and listen to the same disc you always do. You set to work as you try to tune out the world.

You poke through the patch and jab into your fingertip. Shit. You growl as you wish you could stab Greta in her stupid little eyes. She’s such a bitch. You hope she has fun with that pig. She’ll be right back at The Horn scavenging for one night stands.

You’re not judging her, you’re judging this place. There really isn’t much to choose from. It’s the exact reason you have a vibrator hidden under your mattress. You’ve seen the men around here and you’ve talked to their girlfriends and wives.

You blow a raspberry and suck on your fingertip. There’s still a hint of vanilla on your skin. You drop your hand and lean back against the dresser.

Something’s gotta give. You’re so fucking bored of this town. There’s nothing to do. Greta just wants to drink and fuck around. If that’s what she enjoys, power to her, but you’re about to glaze over. You want something, anything to change.

🍦

You yawn as you walk up Thunder Lane towards the B&B. Another shift, another dollar. It’s minimum wage but better than nothing. You don’t have the education or the experience to demand more. Besides, the Odinsons aren’t bad employers. Usually you get a free meal or two.

You enter through the front door and greet Darcy as she droops over her coffee. She chirps as she sits up, startled by your sudden appearance. She relaxes as she realises you aren’t a guest or her employer.

You stop by the breakfast bar to grab a cup of your own before you head down to the laundry. You’ll try to catch up on the towels before check-out begins. There aren’t too many of those anyhow. Not yet. Midsommar usually draws in the tourists as a sort of novelty.

You load a washer and set it to spin as you restart a dryer left full from the day before. You give it ten minutes to fluff the towels and start folding. You sip your coffee between towels, drinking it away from the so you don’t stain the pure white.

You load up the cart with fresh towels in preparation for your daily route around the hotel. As you bend to grab some extra wash clothes, you’re started by a deep hum. You stand up straight and turn to face Thor as he looms in the doorway. Gods, he scared the piss out of you. How can a man that big sneak around like a cat?

“I heard there was a broken machine,” he drawls as he leans his elbow on the doorframe.

“Uh, yeah, that one again,” you point to the corner as you add the washcloths to the cart. You feel him watching you still.

“Ah,” he clucks, “and how are you today, lady?”

“Eh, just another day,” you shrug. “You?”

“Hm, as you said it. Another day,” he remarks, “we have a guest.”

“Oh?” You turn the cart around.

“In the Berkano suite,” he explains.

You nod, “right.” You mark the chart pinned to the handle of the cart.

“She is very demanding,” he muses, “from the city.”

“They usually are,” you give a tiny chuckle. You wish he wouldn’t stare at you like that, or that he’d at least move out of the way.

“Not like you village girls, eh?”

“I guess,” you furrow your brow.

“Mm, how’s Greta?” He winks.

“Fine, I don’t know,” you sniff and grab the handle of the cart, rolling it forward.

“My birthday’s coming up. Maybe she’d come?” He suggests.

“I don’t know,” you murmur as you stop, blocked from leaving by his burly form.

“You’re invited too, of course,” he grins and his eyes dip down for a moment, “is that a new apron?”

You have to hold back a scoff. You know better than to mess around with Thor Odinson. It’s more than just the Confucian philosophy of not shitting where you eat, it’s good sense. You’ve heard the stories. Aside from that, he’s a bit above your age range.

“Nope,” you answer flatly, “anyway, I should get started.”

“Well, are you coming? To my party?” He asks.

“I’ll see if I’m free,” you deflect.

“Bring Greta,” he slides out of the way, “and whoever you like. Any pretty girls you know.”

You bow your head to hide your disgust. You don’t think you’ll be feeding anyone to the wolves, especially not yourself. You pass through the door and feel a brush against your hip. You ignore it and roll down the hallway. You wouldn’t even hand over Greta to that beast, for more than the fact that she is excommunicated from your life.

[m3r1m4r5u333]

I feel like many people misunderstand us, the unhinged, insufferable people with OTPs so. Here's a quick guide into the mind of an rabid buddie shipper.

I'm not clinging to buddie because I fail to see how awesome Buck's bi growth is. I AM BI!!! You think I don't get how awesome this bi character, this story arc, this bi representation is? Get out. Don't tell me, a bisexual how I should watch and experience a bisexual character. I drive my own brain, thanks.

And I know that it's possible to multi-ship. You don't need to tell me that!!

People need to understand that multi-shipping isn't some grand, epic personality trait that always comes with maturity, that the people who don't multiship are just wee dumb babies.

I may sound like I'm 14. I am not. I am very much not. I'm OLD. So old. And guess what that means? I know myself!!! That's maturity, too. And who I am... Is someone who falls hard, and obsessively.

I know I am just not built to be a multi-shipper. I have tried, sometimes. I have tried so hard. And realised, that's just not me. Multi-shipping is never as fun, and interesting or rewarding to me as focusing on my One True Pair. It just makes me feel suffocated, to attempt to like something I don't really find much joy in.

That doesn't mean that I hate the actors or characters who are "getting in the way" of my ship. Nope. I actually often adore the characters and actors, and the writing. I can also see and appreciate what some other character means for my OTP's growth.

Like in this case... Lou, playing Tommy? Not only do I love his acting choices (so funny, so skilled) but he also, he sounds like a lovely guy. I'm a fan!! Also, damn he's fine, I need a bucket for my drool.

And Tommy, the character...? I think the character is interesting - and don't get me started on "problematic", the shaming is futile. I am all in for fucked up, problematic characters. If you don't get why, you should really read some literary classics. Fucked up, problematic characters are art, they make you think, they broaden world-views. My best educators have been the monsters, and I will take this stand to my grave.

Demand for "unproblematic" is demand for censure, and censure is just another form of oppression. Want characters without flaws? Go watch Teletubbies. Ffs, even moomins have flaws. (Of course they do, Tove Jansson was a freaking amazing writer.)

Anyway. The point here is.

I am a mono-shipper. And I love slowburns, I love the romance of them, I get attached to ships. And I'm queer.

But where are the queer slowburns? I have been waiting for a slow-burn queer romance for so long. I CRAVE IT. Getting that, truly, would be queer history, a revolution.

And I see the potential for it in buddie!! The spark, the history, the journey. It has the potential to be the greatest queer slow-burn I've ever experienced.

You think I'd just abandon a ship like that, a slowburn like that, for some fast food, cooked up in what... Two episodes? Pffft. I invest. I am waiting for my roast to cook.

So yeah. I'm not going anywhere. I will watch, and let my freak flag fly, and I will have the time of my life. If buddie never becomes canon? Well so what. I can deal. It's not my first rodeo. Disappointment isn't actually deathly, you know. Trying to avoid disappointment kills hope, and enthusiasm. So yeah, I refuse to manage my expectations. I'm all in, and enjoying this mad ride.

"Well, I'd still take you."

"You think so?"

"I KNOW."

[celerydays]

Hi! I have been following you for some time and I notice you draw more and more Sebastian and Ominis doing stuff that makes me... uncomfortable.....

Sebastian and Ominis are best friends, why people are obsessed with drawing them into weird gay stuff? Seriously.... Why can't be friends.... without all Sebinis... Just stop it...

Normally I would delete messages or simply ignore the things that make me feel uncomfortable–

But, you're on anon and this is my ask inbox, so I can only assume you want an actual, public response. So alright. Fine.

Like I said: normally I would just remove odd, uncomfortable, or even outright rude messages without making a whole thing of it. I curate my own online experience and I try my best to live by that rule.

However, I've now gotten multiple unsolicited DMs over the course of a couple of months expressing the exact same sentiment (and nearly word-for-word as this ask, so I highly suspect I already know who you are). I have duly ignored or glossed over them hoping that the person/people would take the hint to simply stop engaging with the same message over and over again. But an anon ask is my last straw, I guess.

So if you are the same person as in my DMs, I'm finally giving you a response (and if you're not the same person – which I highly doubt – then I'm speaking to both of you).

Firstly, I want to say that I am sorry that your worldview is so limited that this is your stance and feelings on gay/queer ship content for Sebastian and Ominis.

Next, I ask that you please:

Don't make your homophobia anyone else's issue but your own. Don't come into DMs/ask inboxes/comments to make your discomfort with the content I create my problem. I don't know what you hoped to accomplish by sending this message but it's unlikely that you'll find the same feelings or sympathy from the person who is actively creating queer/sebinis content.

Curate your own online experience. Once again, do not make your content consumption anyone else's problem but your own. The "unfollow" button is there. Tumblr has a tag filtering system and I try to tag my art and content as accurately as possible. If you do not like something/it makes you uncomfortable, then do not continue to consume it. And if you still decide to stick around for whatever reason, then please keep your thoughts/opinions on this matter to yourself because I can promise that I don't actually care why you would continue to be here and looking at my art if it makes you unhappy.

Widen your worldview and try to reframe your perspective. Consider that Sebastian x Ominis is just as canon as Sebastian x f!MC or Ominis x f!MC. As much as we like to ship our various MCs with the canon characters, MC never actually amounts to canonically being confirmed as anything but being just friends with everyone. Using the "they are just best friends" / "why can't they just be portrayed only as friends" could literally be applied to just about any other non-canon/non-confirmed ship between friends regardless of gender. If even one of them, Ominis or Sebastian, was portrayed as cis female in canon, I would suspect that you would better "understand" why a ship between these two "friends" may exist. Then also consider a cis male MC; it's possible you may suddenly reframe all the interactions between Ominis x m!MC or Sebastian x m!MC in your head to be "totally platonic/friendly". Your issue is certainly not with their canon relationship vs. fandom portrayal (but I think we both know that).

Educate yourself. Go outside and meet and talk to people, I dunno. It is 2024 my dude. I don't even know how you're on Tumblr – the most queer-friendly social media site – with those kind of narrowed views and stigma.

I would like to finish by saying: I don't wish you the best. What I do wish is for you to learn, grow, and be better than this.

And also please stop sending me messages of this nature, because the next ask or DM I get like this, we're moving on to blocking at this point. And if your purpose was to get me to stop, I can tell you that these messages have only fueled the explicit sebinis smut maker in me. 😤

[edenfenixblogs]

New Pinned Post: How This Blog Approaches The Conflict

I am not normally a politically-focused blog. I am normally a personal blog that enjoys fandom and occasionally processes my own past trauma. As this war goes on, I am finding that it is against my personal ethics and morals to stay silent when I have the ability to educate and remain more patient than most. (My patience is not endless. I’m still human). So, while disinformation/misinformation, and propaganda abound on all sides. I feel like the best way I can help lower the temperature is to put my skills to use.

Primary Political Goals:

1. Emphasize humanity above all and use verifiable information and good faith education and discourse to reduce tension.

2. Do my absolute best to move the conversation away from polarizing, accusatory discourse that forces Jews, Muslims, Arabs, Israelis, and Palestinians to play a desperate game of defense and toward a shared mutually beneficial peace that honors each grouped indigeneity culture, and connection to their ancestral homeland.

3. Demonstrate and emphasize both Jewish-Muslim solidarity and Israeli-Palestinian solidarity.

Primary Blogging Goals:

As a diaspora Jew, my primary goal is threefold

1. Educate about antisemitism and Islamophobia—including calling it out and explaining it to the best of my ability.

2. Elevate responsible, verifiable voices—regardless of religion or nationality—and information to the best of my ability.

3. Demonstrate effective activism and provide insight and encouragement for other to find their most effective way to contribute to fostering peace.

Elaboration:

1. I have the most experience with an understanding of antisemitism. I am more of an expert in antisemitism and have more ability to identify and educate about it. That said: I will not tolerate any Islamophobia or racism and if I don’t have the ability to educate about it, you will be blocked. If I have the ability to educate about it, I will do so and give you the chance to read about it and adjust your behavior. If you do not do so, I will block you.

2. This does not mean equal representation of all nationalities and religions. It means the best informed and most reliable voices AND the voices I personally have the best ability to vet, verify, and substantiate. This will often mean Jewish voices and Israeli voices. This is me staying in my lane, not choosing to suppress any voice. I will not elevate purposefully divisive, tokenized, or uninformed voices. This does not mean that I won’t elevate Palestinian, Muslim, and Arab voices as well. I will. But my primary goal here is responsibility. To do that, I have to stay in my lane.

3. I am most effective as an educator on this matter, a guide to finding reliable peace-oriented voices, and an example of patience. There’s a great desire among many to protest or create videos detailing their opinions and stances. Not only is this primarily performative—especially among non-Muslim/non-Palestinian goyim—it has the potential to be extraordinarily damaging to Jews both in Israel and in Diaspora as well as to Arabs, Muslims, Palestinians, and South East Asians worldwide. If you truly desire to help and not just feel like you’re helping, the best thing you can do is follow the lead of much more experienced activists with a demonstrated track record of effectiveness and good faith in their areas of expertise. As I stated: mine is primarily education and greater than average (though not limitless) amounts of patience. If you want to donate money or engage in more direct action and aid, I suggest finding pro-Palestinian Israeli voices and peace oriented Muslim, Arab, and Palestinian voices as well as organizations with experience in this conflict that do not rely on eliminating any population or erasing anyone’s connection to the Levant. Follow their lead on that matter. If you are only just engaging in this conflict for the first time due to current events, you likely do not know nearly as much as you think you do about any of this. Being uninformed and spouting disinformation has actual dire consequences that can get Jews, Muslims, Palestinians, Israelis, and Arabs killed. It is vital that you’re responsible in your engagement on this matter. Learning dogwhistles and how to spot bad faith arguments is a must. And to be effective, you should spend more of your time learning than you’re doing protesting or arguing. This is a 2000+ year old conflict. There is a lot to know and understand. And there are a lot of people willing to prey on your newcomer status and manipulate your existing beliefs to use you as a pawn to further their bad faith aims. The only consistent, trustworthy principal is to trust those who repeatedly affirm their goal as peace and shared prosperity and who reject any form of demonization based on ethnicity or religion. This is not a game. This is not the west’s fight. This is a conflict between two horribly oppressed, traumatized, and nearly exterminated ethnoreligous groups.

I am begging you to think, listen, and learn before joining the fray.

Note: I also don’t claim to be perfect. If I mess up or reblog something that causes unintended harm (which is very easy to do when engaging in discussions and activism about this conflict), I will say so and issue a correction. There’s no need to be hostile in informing me about this. Just message with your concern and I’ll evaluate from there.

Additionally, I will not interact with Hamas apologists. Hamas is a terrorist organization.

Anyone trying to make me feel like this is an Us vs. Them situation will be blocked.

[gray-ace-space]

poll results

some days ago, i made a post. that post sparked discussion, and a poll was suggested. so i made one. it lasted a week with over 1000 people participating, and here are the results!

the poll question was:

when a person you're sexually attracted to tells you they're not interested in sex, do your sexual thoughts / feelings about them stop?

final results:

i am now going to attempt to summarize these results. i will preface this by saying i have no formal training or education in statistics, so it's possible i fucked up somewhere, but i tried my best.

out of 1155 people surveyed:

23% chose one of the 4 allosexual options (approx. 266 people)

24.9% chose one of the 4 acespec options (approx. 288 people)

the majority - 44.1% - said they didn't feel sexual attraction at all (approx. 509 people)

7.9% weren't sure if they were acespec (approx. 91 people)

the latter two are quite useless information for the purposes of this survey: i only put them in because i know people like to press buttons and feel included. i will disregard them for the rest of this post.

since there was a bit more people in the acespec group than in the allo group overall, i will take each of the two groups as its own 100% so i can compare them proportionally instead of directly.

after fucking with the numbers a bit here's what i got:

no: 33.5% of allos, 17.7% of acespecs

i won't actively think about it, but feelings will persist: 35.2% of allos, 27.3% of acespecs

sometimes yes, sometimes no / it depends: 24.3% of allos, 35.3% of acespecs

yes: 6.9% of allos, 19.7% of acespecs

for a while, "no" was leading for the allos, but at the end "won't actively think about it" won out. those are their two top options, almost equal in popularity.

"yes" for allos was the least popular of all the options by far, so i think it's safe to assume the thing i shared in the post that started this was not, in fact, very allosexual of me.

the acespec half surprised me a little: while "no" was the least popular acespec response, "yes" was only barely above it, and the two biggest groups are the "on the fence" ones. for me this really emphasizes how diverse and complex acespec experiences are.

in general, the poll confirmed my hypothesis, which was that for allos sexual attraction doesn't "switch off" as often or as easily as it does for acespecs.

thank you again to everyone who participated and reblogged!

oh, and if you're one of the acespecs who voted for "depends," feel free to add to this post saying what you think it depends on! with it being the most popular response, i'm very curious.

also, i can not emphasize this enough, if i fucked up somewhere in my labeling or calculations, pls tell me

[renthony]

🏳️‍🌈

(Drop a 🏳️‍🌈 in my inbox and I’ll respond with a queer media recommendation!)

It's not currently the season for it, but I'm gonna recommend a holiday-themed erotica anyway. Eight Kinky Nights by Xan West z”l is a Chanukah-themed f/f BDSM romance between a 51-year-old gray ace femme submissive named Leah, and a newly-divorced 49-year-old stone butch dom named Jordan.

Here's the official plot summary:

Sometimes the perfect Chanukah gift can change everything. Newly divorced stone butch Jordan moves into her friend Leah’s spare room, ready, at 49, to take on a new job and finally explore kink and polyamory. But moving to NYC during the holidays sends grief crashing through her, and Jordan realizes that when she isn’t solely focused on caring for others, her own feelings are unavoidable. Including her feelings for Leah. 51 year old queer femme Leah, an experienced submissive kink educator who owns a sex shop, has recently come to terms with being gray ace and is trying to rework her life and relationships to honor that. Leah has a brainstorm to help them both: she offers Jordan eight kink lessons, one for each night of Chanukah, to help Jordan find her feet as a novice dominant, and to create a structured space where Leah can work on more deeply honoring her own consent, now that she knows she’s gray ace. She’d planned to keep it casual, but instead the experience opens cracks in the armor Leah’s been using to keep people at a distance and keep herself safe. Now she needs to grapple with the trauma that’s been impacting her life for years. Can these two autistic queers find ways to cope with the changes they are making in their lives and support each other, as they build something new they hadn’t thought was possible? This kinky polyamorous Chanukah f/f romance includes a friends to lovers, roommates to lovers, kink lessons, seasoned romance and getting your groove back tropes, and polyamorous, gray ace, pansexual, Jewish, fat, autistic, disabled, arthritis, PTSD and depression representation.

I adore this book. I was actually a sensitivity reader for this one, helping give feedback on the aspec representation. I'm mentioned in the acknowledgments and am so, so happy to have gotten my hands on a paperback copy. I miss Xan dearly. Their Twitter account is forever marked as "on hiatus," and when we lost them, we lost the best damn kink-positive writer I've ever met. May their memory be a blessing, and may their writing find its way to everyone who needs it. <3

Ask For a Rec | Other Media Recommendations | Support Links

[funnier-as-a-system]

okay, this is gonna sound super stupid, but I desperately need advice:

does talking to other people in your head to comfort yourself count as being on the plurality spectrum?? I'm not educated on it by any means, and sometimes its just my own thoughts, and sometimes theres other people in my head. Am i just making this all up??? Im actually kinda nervous ab this , so any advice is welcome ,,

(other info: I also disassociate sometimes too, just going throughout my days just living in my head / talking to myself, or feeling like nothing is real ,, )

It very well may be plurality! In fact, I'd say it almost certainly sounds like it!

In plurality, there is more than one self-aware self or being occupying the same body. This includes situations of multiple people sharing the same body who talk to each other (and comfort each other). The question for you, then, is this: are these people you talk to self-aware? Or are they simple figures you imagine to bring you comfort? (There's no shame in the second, btw!)

Since you talk to them, it seems like the best course of action may be to just ask them whether or not they consider themselves their own people, or headmates. If they answer "yes", well, that's that, isn't it? You've got multiple people in your head who can think for themselves! (And if you feel like you're controlling or strongly guiding their answer, well, that's an indicator in the other direction, isn't it?) Now, this may get a bit tricky since it's sometimes your own thoughts that you talk to, but I assume there's a distinction between your thoughts and these other people that you can make and recognize whenever you talk to yourself or them. I also acknowledge that self-doubt is an annoying burr when it comes to things like this, and your initial reaction may be, "But what if I just imagine/make up their answer?" – in these cases, there's not much you can do except do your best to trust your headmates that they're speaking for themselves, but if you're especially worried about it, looking for corroborative evidence of plurality – like switches, memory gaps, differences in opinion between yourself and your headmates, etc. – may help you shut down those fears of making it all up. Speaking of...

The dissociation you mention also sounds like another indicator that you may be plural, as systems often experience dissociation like that. Granted, so do those with immersive daydreaming, but that just loops us back around to the question of whether or not these people in your head are temporary figments of your imagination you conjure up for the purpose of comfort or a daydream narrative, or just people living in there who comfort you when you need it. And if you've got a feeling one way or the other just based on the way I'm talking about them... follow it. It's probably the right one.

I very much doubt that you're making all this up; whether or not you're plural, you're definitely experiencing something, and you wouldn't request advice if that something didn't matter to you. With all honesty, I'm trying to do my best to cover all possibilities here just in case, but if this weren't already a conversation about you questioning if you're a system, I would be suggesting that you look into the idea of plurality from the moment you mentioned these other people in your head.

In conclusion, while I'd never decide for someone else whether or not they're on the plurality spectrum, it does sound very, very likely to me that you are. "I have people in my head who comfort me and aren't just my own thoughts." is a very, very plural thing to say.

If you'd like to learn more about plurality, I recommend checking out morethanone and healthymultiplicity.com. They're good resources for those new to plurality, as well as those questioning if they're plural.

I hope this helps!

[princesssascha]

Summer Glow Up Action Plan (1/3 - Health)

As I mentioned in my previous post, we are going to have the best summer of our lives.

I was depressed for years, but during the summer, in just 2 months I became truly unrecognisable.

I did it unintentionally, but I believe I cracked the code to glowing up insanely fast. That is, if you're willing to get out of your comfort zone for a few weeks. But what's worse? Being uncomfortable for 2 months doing something that is good for you OR suffering for years? I'll let you answer that for yourself.

Thanks to my experience I made an action plan to make this summer even better and I'd love to do it together with YOU.

1. Mental Health

If your soul is shattered, your body will reflect that. By taking care of your mind you will automatically want to take care of yourself in every other way. Not because you think you're not pretty enough or smart enough, but because you deserve to be healthy and educated.

Get out of your comfort zone

Whatever that is. Last year I went abroad all by myself. I was so insecure about my English and I was soo socially awkward, but I did it. And when I tell you it was the most special feeling in the world. It was stressful at first, but I came back as a new person. I think it was the main factor that contributed to my mental glow up.

Obviously, you don't have to travel to a different country to glow up, but think about what's something you'd like to try that you're afraid to do. Maybe it's bungee jumping, going out to a restaurant alone, coming up to someone on the street. It is supposed to make you uncomfortable, it's called exposure therapy and it is really one of the best things that I have ever stumbled across.

Meditate

It's popular for a reason. Quiet your mind, control your breathing. You can also do yoga, as it requires the same things as meditation, however you also get physical exercise! Start with 5-10 minutes a day and work your way up to whatevers comfortable for you. You can try guided meditation/yoga for beginners.

Go outside

There's a reason why people tell you it's so important.

First, you get physical exercise, you get fit, you get healthy and everyone's happy.

Like actually happy. Physical exercise (the kind you enjoy ofc!) and being outdoors is proven to be good for your mental health. So go out. You can go somewhere crowded or somewhere isolated like a forest. You can take your pet on a walk if you have one.

Self development content

Especially YouTube, I get that some people can't get themselves to read books, but nowadays there are so many ways to educate ourselves. I will mention this topic again in this post, but I love watching YouTubers that post self development & mindset videos.

My favourite YouTubers are:

TheWizardLiz,

Mae Alice Suzuki,

Tam Kaur

If you like reading I recommend Brianna West, she's incredible.

Affirmations

I am such a fan of affirmations! If you feel bad about yourself start affirming the opposite? You feel insecure? "I am confident" etc. You don't want to affirm out loud. You can do it in your mind or listen to affirmation tapes. Even if you don't feel like it's doing anything KEEP PERSISTING! Your mind will conform.

2. Physical Health

This chapter focuses on health, not beauty, although they are connected. If you're unhealthy you won't be that attractive, because we find health attractive. So here I'll share more advice on being healthier rather than getting a sexier body. Healthy>sexy because HEALTH is SEXY!!

Vitamins and supplements

You can't be healthy if you have a vitamin deficiency. Get a blood test and start taking supplements for what you need.

Here's a little cheat sheet, although please do your own research to be safe and be mindful of what dosage you can ingest!!

Visit a doctor regularly!

If you are getting a disease it's important to diagnose it as soon as possible. In some cases it could save your life!

You need to go to your doctor at least once a year, but you should visit them at least twice a year and whenever you have any concerns. That includes a dentist, gynecologist, dermatologist etc. Although I understand not everyone has free healthcare and there are many reasons why it could be difficult for you to get there, at least go to one doctor once a year or when you suspect something is wrong.

Check up on yourself every month

Of course, you're not gonna go to the doctor every month, so it's important to do a little check up yourself every month. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

- what does your skin look like?

Are there any new moles? Maybe some spots? Just because you have a mole doesn't mean it's dangerous, but a mole could turn into skin cancer, so please be careful! Here are a few tips for recognising if a mole is actually a melanoma:

Melanoma is more likely the paler you are, but no matter what your skin color is you should always wear at least SPF30, although the higher the better. If sunscreens are too greasy for you or leave a whitecast I recommend Missha All-around safe block

Look at your skin, did anything strange appear? Something that wasn't there before? Don't forget about the inside of your mouth or between your toes. Although not very common, melanoma can also appear in your eye, in which case you need to contact a doctor ASAP!!

oral health

I don't think I need to tell you to wash your teeth, but I will still share some tips for those pretty teeth:

Oil pulling: get a spoonful of coconut oil and oil pull for 10-20 minutes. After that rinse your mouth thoroughly.

Wash your teeth for at least 2 minutes after every meal and after waking up, HOWEVER if you eat something acidic wait for at least 30 minutes until you wash your teeth. If you can't wash them rinse your mouth with water, but you should still wash them when you get home.

Use a tongue scraper! Like one of those steel/metal ones and scrape that bad boy. It is honestly disgusting how much bacteria sits on your tongue. There are also 2in1 tongue scrapers and flosses but it won't scrape anything off, so save your money. Also, only use flosses when necessary.

CHECK FOR CAVITIES!!

Seriously! I don't think it needs any explanation. Open your mouth and show your teeth. Look at how they look. If there's anything concerning contact your dentist.

skincare

Although it also suits the beauty part, what we find beautiful is just healthy. No skin conditions, clear glowy skin. What skin concerns do you have? Acne, hyperpigmentation, redness etc. Visit a dermatologist or find some skincare yourself, although do it carefully. Just because something is trendy doesn't mean it's good. Everyone's skin is different, so be mindful.

Also, there are different kinds of pimples, so check which types you have and how you can heal them. You can have just one or multiple kinds.

One universal thing: SPF! CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH!

haircare

Just like with skincare, healthy hair is what we find beautiful. That's why I emphasize health so much. If you're healthy you are beautiful.

I won't talk about styling right now as it has nothing to do with health, but haircare is 80% of the job.

Is your hair greasy or dry? Keep in mind it can be both, your scalp could be greasy but your ends could be dry. Do you have thick hair or thin hair? Curly or straight? If you bleached your hair it means your hair is damaged (because it's dead), but your hair can be damaged nonetheless, so think about what you need and find products that were made for your concerns.

Learn how to wash your hair correctly. A lot of you guys don't know how to do it. Just because you rub shampoo on your head doesn't mean you're doing it right. And when you're not it could do more harm than good. I recommend theblowoutprofessor on YouTube, he explains it well.

Healthy eating

This is a pretty obvious one so I won't get into details, however if you guys want me to make a post dedicated to healthy eating lemme know in the comments!

Eat veggies and fruits, limit Ur sugar intake. Don't starve yourself, you'll have uncontrollable cravings and you'll get it all back.

move your body

Although good for you both mentally and physically, it's important to choose something you like. Here are my favourite forms of physical activity:

Dancing,

Yoga,

Pilates,

Walking,

Horse riding.

If you don't have a favourite right now, experiment. It doesn't have to be expensive, there are many sports that you can do at home with no equipment.

Try to move for at least 30 minutes/day.

[mymoodwriting]

26.7k, yandere, illegal activities, racer car driving, speeding, drinking, avoiding authorities, alcohol, drunk behavior, medication, drugs, needles, amnesia, smut, gang bang, female penetration, fingering, unprotected sex, handjob, cum play, cream pie, birth control pills, bruising, undercover operation, criminal acts, robbery, kidnapping, manipulation, verbal abuse, near dead experience, car accident, interrogation, restraints, lies, deceit, deja vu (@starillusion13)

I know you get deja vu...

    Opening your eyes felt strange, as if you had been sleeping for days and were finally waking up. You took in a soft breath, seeing an unfamiliar environment. Your senses slowly came to, and you heard the beeping of a machine. You lazily looked over, seeing what appeared to be a masked doctor checking an IV drip, intending to add something to it. Your eyes slowly followed the line until you found the needle, feeling it sticking out of your arm.

“… what…”

“Hm, you’re awake?”

“Am… am I… in a hospital?” You looked around. “What happened?”

“Uh… what’s the last thing you remember?”

“My head… it’s fuzzy… wait, what day is it?”

“It’s Sunday.”

“Okay, I didn’t miss classes…”

“It’s summer though.”

“Huh? No, it’s… what’s the date?”

     You needed to hear the date twice, not wanting to believe what you were hearing. Because if it was true, then there was a six month gap in your memory. 

“Do you really not remember the last six months?”

“What happened…”

    You looked up at the person with you, on the verge of breaking down in panic. You were so scared and confused when suddenly a familiar face came into the room.

“Y/n!”

“Chan!”

    The tears spilled out when Chan came over to hug you tight. Even if you didn’t understand what was going on, having him here brought you relief. You weren’t alone anymore. He let you cry until you exhausted yourself, completely ignoring the other person in the room as they left, not even asking for them to get the doctor. At the moment he was just glad you were alive and awake.

“Chan… Chan, what’s going on?” You sniffled. “What happened?”

“You don’t remember?”

“No… but the other person… what’s the date…”

“Y/n, what-”

“I’m missing six months… my memory… what’s happening?”

“Easy, just take it easy, everything’s going to be alright.”

    You had so many questions, but Chan insisted on getting a doctor first to look you over and make sure everything was alright. That’s when you learned how you wound up in the hospital. You had been in a car accident, a bad one as it had flipped over and rolled. You were found unconscious, upside down and buckled into the driver’s seat of the car. Now you were starting to feel all your wounds. The bruises and cuts that decorated your skin, not to mention the whiplash and head injuries. You were lucky nothing had broken, except your mind apparently. The head trauma is most likely what cause the amnesia. Theoretically you should regain your memories, but there was no way to know for sure.

“What happened, Chan?”

“I don’t know. You were driving alone late at night on an empty street. There’s no CCTV to look at, so no one knows what happened to you that night. Only you do, but you’ve forgotten.”

“So I have to remember…”

“You don’t. You’re alive, that’s all that matters. It’s probably best if you don’t remember that horrible night anyway.”

“Chan.”

“Hm?”

“Six months ago I was in school. If I don’t remember I’d basically have to retake a whole semester.”

“Are you seriously worried about that right now?”

“Kinda… all that tuition money…  just down the drain… not to mention my education…”

Chan scoffed. “I cannot believe that’s your biggest concern right now. How about you focus on your recovery first.”

“But-”

“Look, I’ll take care of everything, including you.”

“Me?”

“You think I’m just gonna drop you off at your apartment when you get discharged? You’ll stay with me until I deem you fit to be on your own again.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Did you already forget how you wound up in the hospital? You were driving alone in the middle of the night!”

“I…”

“I’m sorry.” Chan quickly apologized. “I didn’t mean to scold you or anything like that… I just don’t want you on your own anymore, at least until I’m sure you’ll be alright.”

“I get that… thank you… and I’m sorry too…”

“For what?”

“I can’t imagine the kind of worry I put you through.”

“Yeah, you have no idea, but I’m just glad you’re safe now.”

    You had been unconscious for about three days, having been rushed into emergency surgery upon your arrival. Chan had been staying with you all this time, only stepping out to get food or take a call to keep the others updated. Now that you were up and doing well you could properly start your recovery process. You stayed in the hospital for a little over a week, and then got discharged into Chan’s care. He took you to his place. His loft that you were thankfully still familiar with. There were a few new things though, but you couldn’t explore much until you were better on your feet. So until then Chan attended to your every need, even when you protested. Although he tended to disappear at night, for work.

    You wanted to ask about that. A lot changed in six months, but you were certain he didn’t want to talk about it, so you waited. Once you were good on your feet, you kept it to yourself. So one night when Chan put you to bed and went out, you got up and went into one of the other rooms. It wasn’t his bedroom, but his office. Six months ago it had been mostly empty. A few papers hung on the wall, some basic points written on the whiteboard, and some question marks over some silhouettes. Now nearly every inch of the wall was covered with reports, or newspaper clippings, or hand written notes. Although there was a new question on the whiteboard.

“Who are the Black Pirates?”

    Eight pieces of red string led from the question to eight headshot silhouettes. Christopher Bang was your childhood friend who had grown up to become a cop, and Chan was the name he had taken upon going undercover. You probably shouldn’t be here, a part of his fake life, but you didn’t want him to be alone. Besides it wouldn’t hurt to have some piece of his real life around, something to keep him grounded and remind him who he really was deep down. Six months ago he was just getting started, having recently gathered up a team and making his way into the illegal street racing scene. From all the information on the wall, the operation was still going, but you weren’t sure if there had been progress. So while you had the chance you looked around, seeing what he had been up to all this time.

❤

“Y/n, what are you doing in here?”

“Uhm?”

    You woke to the sound of Chan’s voice, slowly lifting your head off the desk. It seemed you had fallen asleep at some point during all the reading.

“What time is it?”

“Like five in the morning.”

“And you’re barely getting home?”

“What are you doing in here?”

“Just some light reading…”

“Why.” 

    Chan went over to you, grabbing the papers you had been sleeping on. You merely yawned and rubbed the sleep from your eyes.

“I was just curious. Last I remember you had just begun this whole operation.”

“If you had questions you could have just asked.”

“And would you have answered me properly?”

“…”

“I thought so.”

Chan sighed. “You know this is meant to be top secret information, right?”

“That you just leave splayed out like this where anyone could see.”

“Not just anyone knows where I live. Nor could they get in so easily.”

“Touché.” You looked over at the whiteboard. “You’ve made some progress though. I guess the Black Pirates are an eight member gang.”

“In theory.”

“Theory?”

“There could be members that don’t go out on the field, or members that only participate in gang activities. All we know is that when it comes to committing crimes, the Black Pirates are seen as an eight member gang. At least that’s been consistent the last few months.”

“And you have no idea who it could be?”

“I might have a group of suspects.”

“Oh, who?”

“It’s just a gut feeling, nothing more.”

“So, no real progress then?”

“If it was that easy to catch them I wouldn’t need to go undercover.”

“Right… how are the others?”

“Good, and happy to know you’re alright too.”

“Tell them I said hi, and to come visit me.”

“I’ll relay the message. Now you should go back to bed.”

“Fine.”

    You got up and stumbled a bit, your legs still asleep, but Chan insisted on walking you back to your room. You slept in until Chan woke you to eat breakfast, and then you went back to sleep for a bit more. Now that you weren’t bedridden you could start catching up on things. First off you needed a new phone, as yours got destroyed in the crash. Chan had already prepared one for you and added your old contacts. Everyone you messaged was glad to hear from you, having been getting updates from Chan beforehand. You made sure to thank him for all he had done.

    Since you were talking with friends again, you brought up last semester and started looking into your academic record. Chan still didn’t want you on your own, so he brought over some of your school things. You had passed your previous classes, and by looking over at your notes it seemed you understood the material well. Everything felt kinda hazy, but you figured you could continue with your planned classes for next semester without worry. Besides, Chan promised to cover your tuition for the next year, along with any other expenses so you didn’t feel like you were wasting money. 

    He still didn’t like the idea of you regaining your memories, but he was going to support you and your choices.So you slowly began to live your life again. It was a bit difficult adjusting to the sudden time change, but you managed well. Once you were in a better condition you decided to meet up with friends, do a bit of catching up, but it was all mostly from them. You kinda felt bad, hearing all these stories and not being able to remember them. It kinda created this distance between you and your friends. You had fallen behind, and you weren’t entirely sure you could catch up. You didn’t say any of this out loud, but it weighed heavy on your mind. You wanted to remember, but you also understood why Chan didn’t.

    You had gotten into a horrible accident. All you knew about it was what you had been told, and the injuries you were recovering from. Chan didn’t let you look at any of the crime scene photos, and he had already asked your friends not to bring up the subject or engage. Truth was you probably should have died that night, but you didn’t. So if you remembered what happened, you’d have answers, but you’d also relive that fear and pain. Maybe it was best to just move on and figure out your life without those six months, but something was also nagging at you from that forsaken void.

    One night you had made your way into Chan’s office again, not seeing anything new. You felt bad. All these months and he hadn’t made any real progress. Now you knew undercover work could take years, but you still wanted to help in any way you could. Chan had been working for months, but for you it felt like just yesterday he had started, and just yesterday he was a different person. You hadn’t mentioned it to him, but you knew he had changed. You couldn’t be sure if your accident was the reason, but Chan wasn’t the same person you remembered. He was a lot more cold and serious, even to you. It seemed like he was trying not to be, but it was a part of him now.

    While you stared at all his work you found something new on the desk. A sticky note with an address scribbled on it. You typed it into the internet, and going by the location, it seemed to be where the illegal street racing was going down. It was probably a bad idea, but you were curious to see what Chan’s work environment looked like. So you got dressed, finding something you felt was appropriate for the occasion. You caught a taxi, having it drop you off near the area, and then going your own way. For a moment you thought you were wrong and had just come out to a rather deserted area where you were surely in danger, but then you heard it. The sounds of rubber on the pavement, the smell of alcohol in the air, and the wild cheering of the crowds of people gathered for the show.

    This area was out of sight, and a good distance from the main roads, yet it had its own racetrack, perfect for illegal street racing. Firstly you were relieved to see your clothes matched the event, so you wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb. Although there were other ways to get noticed. You made your way into the crowd, looking around at the people, trying to find Chan. Not to get caught, but to know where he was and avoid him. Not to mention the rest of his crew. They’d surely tell on you if they saw you in a place like this. So you kept your eyes open and your ears sharp, picking up on as much information as you could. A race had just ended, and another was soon to begin. You were curious to see, so you tried making your way to the front, but that seemed impossible because of the crowds.

“What are you doing here?”

    You froze, thinking you had been caught, but the voice wasn’t all that familiar. So you slowly turned around, instantly relieved to see it wasn’t Chan or his crew, but someone else. They stared at you curiously, but also intrigued, and it was starting to make you a bit uneasy. Although there was something else about him too.

“Uh, what are you talking about?”

“You don’t look like you belong here.”

“Oh… is it that obvious?” 

The man chuckled. “You can say that.”

“Huh… well I was honestly just looking for a friend of mine…”

“I’m sure you were. Who are they? Maybe I know them.”

“I don’t know… does the name Chan ring a bell?”

“The leader of Stray Kids, of course. His crew is racing next, going up against The Boyz.”

“You know him?”

“He’s a good racer, but you’re not gonna find him out here. Come on, I’ll take you to him and give you a better show.”

“Uh…”

“Don’t be shy. I know you’re not the type.”

    Without waiting for a response the man took your hand and pulled you along. His grip was firm, so you couldn’t really pull yourself free. Besides he didn’t seem all that bad, so you figured you should at least see where this would go. He led you away from the crowds and over to a chained off area, like a VIP section. There seemed to be bouncers around, but they let him and you pass through without issue. Next thing you knew you were surrounded by cars, seeing all kinds, and watching the people around show them off.

“Ya, Wooyoung, what do you have there?”

“Look who I found!”

    Wooyoung, as you had discovered his name, brought you before what you assumed to be his friends. There were seven other guys, and four cars present. Now you understood where you were. This was where all the racing crews gathered and hung out in between races.

“Yeah, I bet you found them.” One of the others approached, watching you closely. “Nice to see you. What are you doing here?”

“She’s looking for her friend, Chan.”

“Ah, Chan of Stray Kids, and does he know you’re here?”

“No…”

“That’s rude, isn’t it? You’re friends and he won’t even invite you to his races.”

“He just worries about me.”

“I bet. Yet you came all on your own.”

“Yeah…”

“Interesting… oh, where are our manners, we haven’t properly introduced ourselves. My name is Hong-”

“Y/n!”

    That voice you did recognize, and hearing your name called out so harshly made you wince. You slowly looked back to see Chan storming his way over to you, the anger on his face clear as day. He grabbed your arm and yanked you away from the other. Before you could say anything to defend yourself he cut you off.

“You think this is funny?”

    You didn’t really know what he meant by that, until you realized he wasn’t talking to you. He was staring down at the guy you had just been speaking to, making you wonder why he’d be mad at them. The other just laughed, and the rest of his crew was chuckling too.

“Honestly, I find this hilarious, and oh so very intriguing.”

“Stay away.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s your one and only warning.”

    Chan walked off and tugged you along. You didn’t even say goodbye to the others, but it was probably best you didn’t speak. So you didn’t ask where Chan was taking you, or how he found you, or what that whole scene back there had been about. You wound up over with his crew. They all seemed confused by your presence but greeted you nonetheless, not asking questions. Especially not as Chan told Minho to race in his place, and you were shoved into the passenger side of his car. Chan put your seat belt on for you and slammed the door shut. Now you were sure he was mad at you. Still, you didn’t say anything until you were on the road, an empty road, and you were certain this wasn’t going home.

“Uh… Chan, where are we going?”

    He didn’t answer you, instead hitting the gas. You watched as the speed increased, making you grab your seat belt. Your heart was already pounding, filling your ears, and your head began to hurt.

“Chan…”

“…”

“Chan, slow down, you’re scaring me…”

“…”

“Chan!”

“…”

“CHAN!” 

    He slammed on the breaks and the car swerved to the side. Once it came to a stop you took off your seat belt and got out of the car, falling to your knees as you caught your breath. A moment later Chan got out of the car, glancing your way and leaning against the hood. He sighed and looked up at the night sky.

“That was dangerous, wasn’t it?”

“What is wrong with you!?” You screamed. “Why the hell did you do that!?”

“Cause… this is where it happened…”

“What?”

“Where you got run off the road.”

“Run off…” 

    You looked around, seeing the empty street. You had been told you were driving alone at night on an empty road with no CCTV, and that something happened that caused you to flip over. No other details were shared, until now it seems.

“What do you mean? How would you…”

“There were three different tire marks on the road, and your car had a few impact points. Suggesting, or confirming, you weren’t out here alone.”

“So it wasn’t an accident… but more of a hit and run… why didn’t you tell me? Why are you telling me now?”

“Because I’m not doing this again.”

“What-”

“Chan, please answer your goddamn phone!”

    You were still somewhat processing when you heard your own voice. You looked over to see Chan holding up his phone, playing back some recording of you, probably a voicemail. He couldn’t even look at you, eyes shut and head bowed as the message played.

“When you get this, please call me back immediately. You were right, okay? Shit was dangerous and… I fucked up, but it was an accident! I didn’t… shit, they caught up to me…”

    You could vaguely make out the sound of a car engine in the recording, two, hearing them get louder as they got closer. You sounded panicked, and started screaming when your car got hit.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck… Chan, I’m sorry… I know you told me to stay out of it… it’s my fault alright… please just call me back so I can tell you everything… I don’t know long I can do this… the Black Pirates-”

    Everything cut out as you heard the sound of a crash, and then the recording came to an end. Chan took in a breath as he put his phone away, and you could see the pain on his face.

“That… that was…”

“You were desperately trying to call me that night and I couldn’t answer the fucken phone in time…”

“So, the Black Pirates… they’re the ones that attacked me… but I don’t-”

“Six months ago you followed me to a race, and you made friends with the other crews. I told you to go home and stay out of my work but you insisted on helping me. I foolishly let you, but I didn’t know how deeply you had gotten involved… I don’t know what you were doing that night, or who you were with, or where… but I’m guessing you figured out who the Black Pirates were, and they figured out who you were too…”

“So I know who they are… or at least I did…”

“You almost died that night y/n, and I’m not putting you in danger again. So please, stay out of this.”

“I know who the Black Pirates are… so if I remember-”

“No!”

“But I can help, I-”

“What did I just say? I don’t want your help, I never should have let you in the first place. I’ll find those bastards and make them pay. There’s no reason for you to put yourself through that night again just for the sake of remembering them. That is if you actually know who they are. For all we know, you were getting close or they caught you in a lie and they chased you down for that alone.”

“I’m sorry…”

“I’m the one who should be apologizing… I shouldn’t have put you in danger… I’m sorry…”

“I made you worry a lot…”

Chan scoffed. “Yeah… yeah you did…”

“Sorry…”

“Just promise me you won’t follow me again, that you won’t get mixed up in that shit again.”

“I won’t… I promise… I’ll just stick to school, alright?”

“That’s good.”

    You took in your surroundings a bit more before Chan said he’d drop you off back at his place. You apologized for interrupting his night, but he admitted he felt relieved in telling you the truth. That way you knew to stay out of his work, and he could rest assured knowing you were safe. When he dropped you off you playfully wished him good luck, and told him to get back safe. Once back in the loft you went into his office, looking at these things one more time and your eyes landed on the whiteboard, staring at the question.

“Who are the Black Pirates?”

    You knew the answer, in theory, somewhere deep down, but it wasn’t worth looking for. Things were better off this way, and now you felt more certain focusing on your life, on your future, than looking into the past. You walked out of the office and shut the door behind you. It was scary to think you had gotten involved in such dangerous things, that you almost died, so you certainly had a new appreciation for life. If only that danger didn’t come back to find you.

❤

    Before the new semester began you gave yourself a bit of a refresher course on your previous semester classes, especially those that had been vital to the advancement of your academic career. Your friends even helped as well to make sure you were prepared. Although they all assured you, including Chan, that if you couldn’t handle the classes, there was no shame in dropping out and retaking the others. You stayed positive, but thanked them for their support. You were nervous on your first day, but that was just syllabus day and getting to know what to expect of the class. It all seemed manageable, and you had previous notes to look over if necessary. 

    Since much wasn’t going on yet your friends suggested going out for drinks to celebrate the beginning of the semester, and make wishes for the future. You were more than happy to attend. It’d be another thing to get your life back on track. So you showered and got dressed for a night of drinking and fun. You started off at a bar before going to continue the party at a karaoke place. You all sang your heart out, and once you were a good amount of alcohol in you all began to wind down. You all held your glasses up and made a wish for the future, whether it was for the semester or for life, but you all cheered each other on and wished for the best. 

    Definitely time to go home though, and you all sent each other off. You had called for a driver beforehand, so you messaged them to meet up with you to take you home. You waited outside the karaoke bar, dancing and singing to yourself, not as drunk as your friends but rather tipsy. You checked your phone when you were suddenly tapped on the shoulder. A nice boy smiled and bowed at you, asking if you were the lady who had called for a driver. You said yes and made sure to check everything to assure he was in fact your driver. He could see you were unsteady on your feet and made sure to hold you close.

“You know… you look kinda familiar… do I know you?”

The man chuckled. “I guess not.”

“What’s your name?”

“Yunho.”

“Hm…Yunho… pretty…”

    He opened the door for you and made sure you were alright in the back. He was a good driver too, making sure not to make you sick. Even if you were intoxicated you had enough awareness to notice he was going the wrong way. You had probably given him your apartment address without realizing.

“Excuse me, but you’re actually going the wrong way.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah, my bad, I must have given you the wrong address earlier.”

“No problem, so where am I taking you?”

    Yunho was very understanding and apologized for the confusion. When you got to the loft he helped you out of the car and took you up to your place, opening the door for you too. Chan wasn’t home, out working again, so you weren’t worried about him catching you like this, probably wouldn’t approve of it either. You thanked Yunho for everything he had done, especially all the extra bits to make sure you got home safe.

“Really, thank you.”

“Just part of the job.”

“But you did more than necessary.”

“It’s no big deal. Sleep well.”

“Thanks, and get home safe.”

“Will do. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

❤

    Your classes had their difficult moments, but that was always to be expected. You were doing well overall, so you could continue with your life as normal, focusing on your studies. Sometimes you would glance at Chan’s office, wondering if there was any progress, but you promised yourself you wouldn’t ask. To give him peace of mind and keep yourself safe. Now that you were back in school and doing well, you talked with Chan about returning to your apartment. He was reluctant, but understood that you were your own person, and had your own life outside of him. It was kinda weird returning to your apartment. Things had changed, but those changes were decisions you made, even if you didn’t remember. 

    It kinda wasn’t your own place, but it was. So when you had some time you’d move things around again, trying to be comfortable. Your life was soon back on track, and it felt like nothing had ever happened. Everything seemed fine. Chan still kept in touch with you, and assured you everything was alright on his end. You were doing well in class, no longer feeling like you were behind with your friends. Things were moving forward, and yet that’s when the past began to haunt you. It all started with a simple headache in class. You thought it was normal but it only got worse. So your friends took you to the hospital.

“Have you been trying to remember your accident?” The doctor asked. “Or recover any memories from the past.”

“No… my life is doing well without those six months… so there’s no point. Why?”

“Usually headaches suddenly coming on in such a manner are related to regaining memories. Have you remembered anything?”

“No… not really…”

“Do you want to?”

“I’m not trying.”

“I see. It’s been a few months since your accident, so it’s possible the memories are coming back on their own.”

“Oh… there’s no way to prevent that… is there?”

“Memories, and the way the mind functions, still have their mysteries. All I can do is prescribe you some medication to help ease the headaches. Take them as needed.”

“Thanks.”

    You called Chan after your visit and told him what the doctor had told you. He seemed concerned, also wondering if there was any way to prevent that. It’s not like you really had control over this, but you promised Chan you would keep him updated if you remembered anything, especially things related to his case. You were scared, but you didn’t tell him. You had no idea the type of things buried inside your head, or what they would change about you if and when they came to light. You tried not to worry about it, but whenever your head hurt, even just a bit, you were terrified. The medicine did help with the pain, but that wasn’t going to stop the inevitable.

“Are you okay?”

“Huh?”

    You’d always get distracted after a headache, worried you’d remember something horrendous. On this occasion you weren’t paying attention to where you were going, running into someone on campus. They could immediately tell you were kind of out of it, and showed concern.

“No, no, I’m fine.”

“You sure, you don’t look okay.”

“I’m fine.”

“You should sit down for a bit, collect your thoughts.”

“Yeah… yeah that’s a good idea.”

    The boy led you over to a bench, sitting down with you. He suggested some breathing exercises to help you calm down and steady yourself. 

“Thanks.”

“No problem. You sure you’re alright.”

“Yeah, just these headaches…”

“Are you taking anything for them?”

“Yeah, but it’s only for the pain.”

“What?”

“The headaches aren’t normal…”

“Are you sick?”

“No… I just got into an accident and I can’t remember some things… according to the doctor, these headaches probably mean my memories are returning…”

“And you don’t want that?”

“I’m scared…”

“Why?”

“Things happened… things I don’t really want to remember…”

“But I don’t think you can avoid it.”

“You’re probably right… sorry, I didn’t mean to dump my problems on you.”

“It’s okay. You’re looking better already.”

“Are you a freshman? I don’t think I’ve seen you around campus before… maybe a sophomore, you do seem a bit familiar.”

“Do I? I guess I just have one of those faces.”

“Maybe… what’s your name?”

“Yeosang.”

“Thank you, Yeosang.”

“No problem. Take care of yourself.”

    Yeosang excused himself first, wishing you well for the rest of the day. You certainly felt better after talking to him, but his words lingered. Remembering those months was probably unavoidable. You called Chan afterwards, admitting to the headaches getting worse and that you were bound to remember everything. He was worried about you, but he understood you probably couldn’t avoid it. So he suggested you come back to his place, to make sure you were somewhere safe when it happened. You agreed, saying you’d come by tomorrow after class. He looked forward to seeing you then, and told you to take care of yourself.

    You made it back to your apartment, happy to finally be home and unwind. You collapsed on the couch, reaching over for the TV remote only to not find it. You usually left it on the coffee table, but it wasn’t there. You checked on the couch, but nothing either. Then the TV turned on by itself. You slowly looked up at it, confused and frightened. When the channel changed you screamed, looking around your place frantically. You were alone, or at least you thought. A laugh suddenly filled your ears and you grew still. It sent a chill down your spine, especially cause you felt something vaguely familiar about it.

“Finally home.”

    You slowly turned around, finding a stranger leaning against the wall, twiddling a remote in his hand. Then you heard the floor creaking, seeing seven others appear, and you recognized some. Wooyoung from the race course, Yunho who drove you home that night, and the presumed student Yeosang. As all the lights were turned on you got a good look at everyone, beginning to recognize them all from the night you went to the street race gathering. You stood up in a panic, although there wasn’t much you could do as they had you surrounded. You reached for your phone only to have one of the boys grab your arm and take the phone from you. He tossed it over to Yeosang, who turned it off.

“Who… who are you, how did you get in here!”

“You really don’t remember anything, do you?”

“What?”

“But you’re about to, which means we don’t have to leave you alone anymore.”

“What… what are you talking about!?”

“It’ll make sense eventually. Let’s go.”

    Yunho came over and grabbed your other arm. You struggled against the two, but their grip was firm. While they held you another approached you, offering you a cocky grin before grabbing your head and exposing your neck. You felt a pinch, and then saw an empty needle moving away from your body, becoming fearful of the effects. Your heart was racing, but then you began to feel this exhaustion consuming you.

“No… no, please… please…”

    You tried fighting to free yourself, but it only made things worse. The edge of your vision started to go dark, and you were being dragged towards the door. You kept mumbling to be let go, but it did you no good, and the darkness eventually won.

❤

“Hmm…”

    As you began to regain consciousness you felt the restraints on your body. Your legs were tied together, as were your hands, and you were gagged and blind folded. You felt a cold surface beneath you, trying to move around and sit up. Although you froze when you heard a voice.

“Are you awake?”

    You didn’t answer, you didn’t move, but it was too late to pretend. You felt hands grab you and pull you up to your feet. You were shoved into a chair and then the blindfold was removed. It took a second for your eyes to adjust. You seemed to be in some type of garage, multiple cars around, and the eight from before surrounded you. Yeosang came up to remove the gag, and you didn’t scream, too frozen in fear.

“Goodness, you’re still so beautiful.” 

“What… what do you want… from me…”

“Isn’t the answer obvious?” One commented. “You.”

“Ma… me?”

“We could explain all of this, but with your memory returning there’s no point.”

“I don’t want my memory back…”

“But we do.”

“Just… just let me go… please…”

“Not gonna happen.” Yunho stated. “But you’ll be just fine with us.”

“No… no, please… let me go… I won’t say anything…”

“You don’t have to be afraid of us.”

“Let me go!”

“Stop asking.” Another snapped. “We’re not gonna let you go.”

“What do you want from me!?

“You!” Wooyoung yelled. “It’s so fucken annoying seeing you like this! This isn’t who you are!”

“Wa… what are you talking about?”

“Nine months ago you became a better person. You were fucken perfect! Then-”

“Easy there, Wooyoung.”

“Shut it, Jongho!”

“Ya! Both of you.” Another shouted. “We’re not here to fight among ourselves.”

    This gentleman came over to you, staring down at you and making you feel small. He laughed, the same from back at your apartment.

“It does hurt to see that I’m nothing but a stranger in your eyes right now. I didn’t really believe it at first when Seonghwa reported you had woken up with amnesia, so I sent some of my men to keep an eye on you. Yet every time you crossed paths with them, they were just strangers.”

“I… I don’t know who you are… any of you… and I don’t want to…”

“Well that’s too bad. Your little friend Chan got you involved, and you don’t get to walk away so easily.”

“How… how do you…”

“Once your memories come back everything will be clear.”

“No… I don’t want to remember…”

“But you will.”

“Fuck you!”

“Oh you did, all of us actually. I’d love to do it again.” He reached over and caressed your cheek. “Maybe that’ll help you remember.”

“Don’t touch me!”

“Fine. Let’s just go back to the beginning, shall we? Nine months ago you secretly followed your friend to a race. Care to guess how that went?”

“No… no, I don’t know…”

“Come on now, Wooyoung even told me he reenacted some things for you.”

“What…”

“You were so out of place, stood out like a sore thumb, you caught a lot of attention that night.”

“Stop talking…”

“We couldn’t help it, so we introduced ourselves, and brought you into our world.”

“Shut up!”

“I’m not going to!” 

    The boy grabbed your face and forced you to look at him. He was angry and sad, all mixed together and fighting for dominance. You just felt terror.

“I want my y/n back!”

“She’s not here!”

“But I will get her back.” He let you go and walked away. “If you’re not going to cooperate, then I’ll make you. It’s been months but you’re finally on the verge of regaining your memories. A little push shouldn’t hurt.”

“What are you talking about?”

    You saw the boy get something from one of the cars, a small case, and set it down on the hood. He opened it and you saw him hold up a small vial and a needle. You immediately began to struggle against your restraints, but it did nothing to help you. As he approached with a needle in hand you tried to move back, only for Wooyoung and another to come over and hold you still.

“This shouldn’t hurt, just open up your mind to remembering the past.”

“Stay away from me!”

“You’ll thank me later.”

    You felt the pinch of a needle again, your mind racing with possibilities. You had no idea what he had just given you or what the effects would be. Your head might explode in pain, or you’d simply pass. Although the gradual feeling of everything slowing down was certainly frightening. Things were fading from existence, and time seemed to melt. You tried to fight it, to stay awake, but there wasn’t anything to do as darkness swallowed you whole.

❤

Eight Months Ago…

“So this is your first big case?”

    Chan was always passionate about work, about justice, but you never imagined he’d take on such an assignment. Undercover work could take months, even years, but he was determined to do the job. Despite the confidentiality he shared a few details with you, after all, some of them were public knowledge.

“Yup. There’s been a string of robberies in nearby towns. From what we’ve gathered it seems these criminals have ties to illegal street racing.”

“Illegal street racing? Where does that connection come in?”

“They’re good drivers, very good, and you don’t see that with your average criminal.”

“True…”

“Besides that, a lot of these robberies happen in areas where these races have taken place. It’s still a theory, but there’s good enough evidence to pursue it.”

“So you’re going to participate in illegal street racing?”

“Yeah. I know where the gathering is tonight, so I gotta make a good first impression.”

“By yourself?”

“I’ve assembled my own crew.”

“Oh, can I go watch?”

“No.”

“What? Come on.”

“This is dangerous work, I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“But it sounds so fun!”

“And if you get arrested?”

“You can just bail me out.”

“Y/n.”

“No?”

“Please just stay out of this, and stay safe.”

“Alright fine, just don’t have so much fun without me.”

Chan chuckled. “I’ll try not to.”

    You kept your word about not getting involved. Although whenever you came over to his place you had to peek into his office to see what he had gathered. Not much as far as you understood, but you’d always enjoy listening to Chan give you a debrief. He probably shouldn’t be telling you about the operation, or even have contact with you while he was undercover. You didn’t want him to be alone though, especially if this assignment could take years. He probably should have objected, but he also didn’t want to completely lose touch with his actual life, especially the person he was closest to. Besides all that, it was good to voice his findings and get an outside perspective on things.

    For a while that was good enough, but curiosity was killing you. So one night you managed to put a tracking app on Chan’s phone, and followed him out to one of his races. You were a bit worried about how you were dressed, but upon arriving it seemed you’d fit right in. Or so you thought. Chan never wanted you there, so you had to be careful to avoid him, but you were also trying to find him. He was one of the racers, he had his own crew and everything, and you wanted to see him in action. You discovered there was a lot more going on here than just racing. It was like one big party with drinks and drugs, and all kinds of things.

“What’s a pretty little thing like you doing in a place like this.”

    You were lost in your own search that a strange voice startled you. The gentlemen immediately apologized and offered you a light bow. Although he kept a cocky grin on his face.

“First time?”

“Uh… is it that obvious?”

“Very. Are you alone?”

“Not exactly…”

“Makes sense. People don’t just wind up here without some sort of connection.”

“Yeah. I’m just looking for my friend.”

“Oh, who’s your friend, maybe I know them?”

“I doubt that.”

“Try me.”

“Chan?”

“Chan.”

“Yeah…”

“The leader of Stray Kids?”

“So you do know him?”

“Yeah, but you’re not gonna find him out here. Come on, I’ll take you to him.”

“Oh no, wait-”

    Before you could protest the guy grabbed your arm and pulled you along. You weren’t sure where he was taking you, or if it was a good idea to go along with them, but his grip was pretty firm. He led you over to this blocked off area, although the security posted let you both pass without any trouble. Soon enough you realized where he had taken you. There were cars all over the place, music blasting through the speakers, hoods popped open, and people talking about the cars. This is where the race crews hung out, and where they brought special guests.

“Guys, look what I found.”

“Oh shit, who’s the babe, Wooyoung?”

“This is… my bad, I never got your name.”

“It’s y/n.”

“Pretty. It’s nice to meet you, I’m Wooyoung, and these are my friends.”

    You were introduced to seven other boys, and they all seemed very happy to meet you. Although the leader came over to personally greet you.

“I’m Hongjoong.” The boy took your hand and kissed it. “Leader of this wonderful crew, Ateez.”

“It’s nice to meet you.”

“So tell me, what brings you out here tonight?”

“She was looking for her friend.” Wooyoung commented. “Chan.”

“Chan of Stray Kids?”

“That’s the one.”

“I didn’t know he had such good looking friends. Well that’s a lie, I’ve seen his crew, but I didn’t know he was hiding you.”

“He wasn’t really hiding me.” You corrected. “He just never invited me to one of his races before.”

“Well that’s rude. Why wouldn’t he invite you?”

“He just worries about me.”

“I guess I’d worry too if I had a friend like you.” Hongjoong laughed. “Come on, I believe Stray Kids are up next to race.”

    Hongjoong took your hand and led you over to the race course, taking you to a place with an elevated view. The rest of his crew gathered around, and you could see the cars driving up to the start line. The two revved their engines to hype up the crowd. You recognized Chan behind the wheel, becoming very excited to see this all play out.

“Who’s Chan racing against?”

“I don’t know, some random guy.” San replied. “It’s probably they’re first race against one of the big crews.”

“How many crews are there?”

“Uh, big ones, there are eight now. Everyone else is just trying to climb the ladder.”

“So how do you determine who’s on top?”

“Whoever has the most wins, and the crews’ skill behind the wheel.” Yunho explained. “No one ever really thought someone else would rise to the top, but Stray Kids really proved themselves.”

“So do the big eight ever race each other?”

“We do, but it’s usually a surprise, or for special occasions.”

“Wow, Chan has really been keeping a lot from me. I didn’t know he was so popular.”

“Stray Kids have skill, and there’s definitely natural talent there too.” Yeosang commented. “Although they’re quite stiff.”

“Stiff?”

“You know, cold and reserved. They’re good behind the wheel, but it kinda feels like they don’t fit in here.”

“Well maybe they need to loosen up.”

“Yeah?”

“This whole place looks like one big party. I would have thought Chan and his crew would fit right in.”

“Oh no, the real party happens elsewhere.”

“Does it?”

“Out here is where we come to race.” Seonghwa stated. “But if you want a party, I can send you an invite.”

“Really? Are Stray Kids going to be there?”

“You a big fan of theirs?”

“Well, I wouldn’t mind having some familiar faces around while I make new friends.”

“I suppose we should also give them a proper chance.” Jongho added. “See what they’re like off the track.”

“Sounds like fun.”

    You watched a few races before Ateez took you back over to their spot. Since you were new to all this they were very eager to show you their cars. Mingi brought you over to what he said was one of his favorites. He reclined back the driver’s seat so you could rest more comfortably on his lap. You kept an arm around his shoulders and listened intently as he told you about the car. As he revved the engine he had you bouncing up and down, making you giggle.

“You must like going fast.”

“That type of adrenaline, it’s intoxicating. Would you like a taste?”

“I don’t think I could drive a car like this.”

“You can be my passenger princess.”

“Isn’t it dangerous to have more than one person in the car?”

“Nah, that’s what makes it more fun.”

    You caught Mingi’s eyes lingering on your lips, and soon your eyes were doing the same. All of the Ateez members were quite beautiful, so anyone would be lucky to be sitting in Mingi’s lap right now, it just so happens to be you. Maybe you were imagining things, but you swear it looked like Mingi was leaning over to kiss you. That is before you got interrupted.

“Y/n?”

“Huh? Oh shit!”

    You heard your name being called, and when you looked over you saw Chan by the hood of the car. Your eyes went wide as you realized you got caught, especially in this type of situation. You tried to scramble out of the car, but Mingi already had his arm wrapped around your waist and held you in his lap.

“Mingi…”

“Chan?” Hongjoong peeked over at the scene. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, right!” Wooyoung suddenly yelled. “We were supposed to call you and tell you your friend was here.”

“Were you?”

“Mingi, please let go.”

    Thankfully Mingi let you go, and you got out of the car to meet Chan. He was keeping his cool, but you could see the anger in his eyes. You offered a shy smile and let him grab your arm, dragging you off to speak in private. You prepared yourself for the scolding you were about to receive.

“What the hell are you doing here!”

“Look… I can explain…”

“Did I not tell you to stay out of this! How did you even find me?”

“A tracking app…”

“A what!” Chan checked his phone. “Unbelievable.”

“I know… you should take better care of your phone.”

“Y/n!”

“Sorry… I just got really curious about your case… I couldn’t help myself.”

“How long have you been here?”

“A couple hours… I saw you race too.”

“Seriously?”

“Sorry.”

Chan sighed. “Fine, whatever, you got what you wanted, now go home and don’t come back.”

“But I can help.”

“I told you I don’t want you too.”

“Well you need me to.”

“What?”

“I was chatting with Ateez and they told me about you and your crew. You worked your way up to the top, and they recognize you have talent, but they don’t like you all that much.”

“The social game is a work in progress.”

“Well I’ve given you a great chance.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Ateez mentioned something about a party tomorrow, outside the track, and they want me to come. So I convinced them to invite you too, that way you can all break the ice.”

“…”

“You’re welcome.”

“Y/n, this is fucken dangerous!”

“I know, and I’m being careful, alright. I didn’t approach them, they approached me, so that already puts me in a good position to gain their trust.”

“I don’t need you to help me out here.”

“But I can give you an advantage. Why wouldn’t these guys want to show off to some pretty girl? They’ll tell me things without hesitation, and that includes the illegal shit. Someone might just let something slip about those robberies around me, and they wouldn’t even be worried.”

Chan took a moment. “No. No this is too dangerous and you-”

“Please. I don’t want you wasting years of your life in all this. If I can help you gain the trust of the other crews here, or get you some valuable intel, let me.”

“I don’t want you in danger.”

“I’ll be careful, and I’ll stay within my own comfort zone. If I don’t like something, I’ll leave, I promise.”

“Y/n-”

“I promise.”

“Fine… fine, but don’t do anything reckless.”

“I won’t.”

    Even if Chan agreed to let you help him, he was still worried about you. So every now and then he’d check in and ask if you were alright, always reminding you that you could walk away whenever you wanted to. The reassurance was great, but you wanted to stick with him and see all this to the end. Being invited to that party was what really opened the door for both of you. Chan drove you to the place, and you were left in shock. You rolled up to a mansion, music blaring loudly, party lights illuminating the windows, it felt like something out of a movie. For a moment you thought how they could do such a thing without issue, and then remembered the long drive to get out here. There was no one else for miles and miles.

“Y/n! I’m so glad you could make it!”

    Seonghwa and Hongjoong greeted you upon your arrival, big smiles on their faces. Then they acknowledged Chan and the rest of Stray Kids. There was a bit of awkwardness in the air, but you figured some drinks and a party could loosen them all up. The two led you all inside, showing you where to get drinks, and where the entrance to the backyard was. There was a pool and you took note of that for next time.

“Come on, I want to show you around.” 

    Seonghwa took your hand and led you through the house. You knew Chan would probably worry about you, but you had your phone on you, and had promised to leave with him. So you’d see him again later in the night. You were honestly impressed by everything Seonghwa showed you, it was all so extravagant. Although when he led you upstairs you got a bit nervous.

“Should we be going up here?”

“No place is off limits, besides, it’s my house.”

“Wait, this is your place?”

“Yup.” Seonghwa chuckled. “Did you think we rented out a mansion for the party?”

“I… I don’t know… but… it’s huge… I can’t imagine how much it cost.”

“Plus the renovations.”

“Renovations?”

“Trying to increase the value. We’re planning on moving out in the next couple months.”

“Why? Did you find a better place than this?”

“Something like that.”

“Seriously though, how can you afford this? Who even are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Street racing doesn’t pay the bills.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“Wait, do you guys make bets?”

Seonghwa laughed. “Of course. You think the people gather just to look at the pretty cars?”

“I… how much do you bet?”

“In the thousands, tens of thousands, but I do come from a rich family. Most of the racers from the big crews do.”

“Oh, do your parents know what you do?”

“They don’t care about me.” Seonghwa’s voice got somber. “They never did.”

“Neither do mine…”

“You? What kind of family do you come from?”

“An average one. We weren’t wealthy but we lived well. I was a good student, but I guess that was expected of me so my parents never really told me that they were proud… I got into Uni on a full ride, but that was expected too… I honestly did it so I wouldn’t owe them anything…”

“Do you still keep in touch?”

“Not really…”

“Me neither. Not like they’d be proud of me anyway.”

“I’m proud of you.”

“What?”

You giggled. “You’re quite famous in the racing scene, aren’t you? I haven’t seen you behind the wheel yet, but I’m sure you’re great. After all, you’re part of the big eight.”

“You’re funny.”

    Seonghwa brought you into one of the rooms on the second floor, his own, and took you out onto the balcony. You could see the party below, loving the atmosphere from the whole place. It was a nice view.

“This is a good little place to get away.”

“Yup, just the two of us.”

    You didn’t notice at first, but Seonghwa stepped away for a moment to bring over a bottle and two glasses. He poured you and himself a drink.

“Shall we toast?” You asked.

“To what?”

“Well, this may sound silly, but even if no one else is proud of me, I am. So I hope you can be proud of yourself too.”

“Proud?”

“Not everyone can be a street racer, right?” You leaned in close to whisper. “And I’m pretty sure you’ve avoided the police a lot.”

    Seonghwa scoffed and pressed a soft kiss to your cheek. His actions caught you by surprise, and when you saw his face you could see a soft little smile on his lips.

“To us.” He raised his glass. “For being proud of ourselves when no one else will.”

“To us!”

    You needed to be mindful not to drink so much. Even if the point of a party is to have fun, you were kinda working here. So you stayed with Seonghwa for a bit, just sticking to one glass and talking. You asked how he got involved in the racing scene, genuinely curious but also trying to get information. He didn’t mind, telling you that at first he had done so to get his parents attention. Buying expensive cars, especially those designed to go fast. It got him nothing, so he thought to get in trouble with the law but that’s when he met Hongjoong. The boy recognized the style of car he had and asked if he could race. At the time the answer was no, but Hongjoong took him under his wing and now here he was.

“You’re such a bad boy.”

“I hear girls are into that.”

“As long as they have a heart of gold.”

“Do I qualify?”

“I’m not sure.”

    You suddenly heard the door open, and you both peeked into the room to see another boy stumbling in. He noticed you two and smiled.

“My bad, looking for the bathroom.”

“On the second floor?” Seonghwa questioned.

“First floor is occupied with a little line.”

“Ah, well my bathroom is right there.”

“Thanks.”

    The boy stumbled his way over to the bathroom. He did seem vaguely familiar to you, so you asked Seonghwa.

“Do you know him?”

“Yeah. That’s Younghoon from The Boyz.”

“The boys?”

“Boyz, with a Z, but yeah. He was racing last night.”

“Oh, yeah, I saw him. The Boyz are a big group.”

“Eleven drivers, although the biggest would be NCT.”

“NCT?”

“It’s rare to see them all on the course, but they got different groups among themselves.”

“Damn… so besides them The Boyz are the biggest?”

“No, that would be Seventeen.”

“There’s a group with seventeen members?”

“No, the group name is Seventeen, but there are thirteen members.”

“Then why are they called Seventeen?”

“I’m not good at explaining, but we can go find one of them and ask.”

“Sure.”

    You liked the idea of socializing, getting to know more people so you’re not so much of an outcast anymore. Although as you were heading out Younghoon came out of the bathroom.

“Hold on, who’s the girl?”

“This is y/n, she’s new on the scene.”

“Makes sense. I haven’t seen such a pretty face. The name’s Younghoon.”

“Nice to meet you. I saw you race yesterday, you’re good.”

“Thanks. If you ever want a ride, just let me know.”

    Younghoon came over to you and took your hand, Seonghwa immediately grabbing your other one. He just made Younghoon laugh as he took out a pen and wrote down his number on your arm and signed his name.

“Call me.”

“I’m sure I will.”

    Seonghwa did end up taking you to meet some of the other drivers, and you may have gotten another handful of drinks along the way. Things did get blurry, but you had pieces of coherence every now and then. You remembered being on the dance floor with Wooyoung and Yeosang for a bit before getting pulled into a drinking game. Then there was the charades after a quick dunk in the pool, you wound up in some of Yunho’s clothes afterward. Although you swear you’ve never had so much fun in one night. As daylight began to peek over the horizon the people began to disperse, but some remained. You wound up slow dancing in the backyard with San for a while before passing out. Of course you weren’t staying over, but you needed to be laid down to rest. You weren’t able to relay that message to Chan, so in the morning he was looking around for you.

“Ya, Hongjoong, have you seen y/n?”

“Uh… she should be upstairs, I think they put her down in Jongho’s room, fifth door on the right.”

“Thanks.”

    Chan made his way upstairs, and gently knocked on the door before opening it. He walked in to find you curled up on the bed, cuddling with Jongho and mumbling.

“You’re like a teddy bear… can I take you home…”

Jongho giggled. “You can just stay with me.”

“Hm… that’s not a bad idea.”

“Y/n, we have to go.” Chan said. “Come on.”

    Jongho helped you up, getting you on your feet and going down with Chan to make sure you were alright. You said your goodbyes to Ateez, and thanked them for the party. You hoped to see them again soon. Chan got you into the back of the car and sat with you, Minho driving and Felix passed out in the passenger seat.

“That was so fun… did you not drink?”

“Someone needed to keep their head.” Chan explained. “Minho and Seungmin didn’t drink either.”

“Boo, next time you should have fun.”

“I see you sure did. What’s with all the phone numbers on your arms?”

“Oh… just gathering intel… I have more numbers on my phone… you can probably do something with them, right?”

“You… how many…” Chan grabbed your arm. “That was dangerous.”

“It wasn’t my idea… Younghoon liked me and gave me his number… then some others wanted to add to it.” You chuckled and started pointing out names. “This is Woozi, oh and here’s Jungwoo, that’s Jaeyoon… Yeonjun wrote his number on my arm somewhere…”

“Did she just do months of work in one night?” Minho questioned. 

“I guess.” Chan commented.

“Some things require a woman’s touch and I have more numbers on my phone.” You added. “Was running out of room on my arms, but Jooheon was happy to be the first to be in my contacts list. Look, he sent me a cute winky face message.”

“You really outdid yourself.”

“Hm… plus I got other things too… a lot of them come from wealthy families… a chaebol here and there… I didn’t know you guys bet money…”

“The illegal stuff isn’t just the racing.”

“How much do you have?”

“Enough to play.”

“You gotta tell me about these things.”

“How about a proper debrief when you’re sober. You should rest, you did a lot tonight.”

“Hm… yeah…”

❤

    After that first party a lot of things changed. Now you were in the loop about the case and the progress that was being made. With the information you gathered you were able to learn more about the racers, and who they were outside the track. Although that created a new issue.

“If these guys are our main suspects, then the question becomes why.” Changbin wondered. “The racing I get. A bunch of bored rich kids having fun, but committing crimes? They already have money, so what’s the point?”

“It’s the thrill.” Minho stated. “To do something illegal and then run away from the cops.”

“Yeah, but I’m sure even if they got caught they’d still walk free. So I ask again, why?”

“Maybe it’s just fun for them.” Jeongin said. “A game they play, or something they do just to see if they can. Like you said there won’t really be any consequences for them.”

“That alone creates a problem for us.” Chan reminded. “If there is no real motive behind these cromes, then there is no pattern to their actions. We can’t really get the upper hand on them, so we’d just have to wait for them to make a mistake. Which isn’t ideal. How are we with checking alibis?” 

“That’s a game in itself.” Jisung sighed. “We’ve got five robberies so far, and a long list of suspects. Thankfully they’re rather public figures so some of their alibis are out in the open.”

“Anybody clear?”

“Not all the way. Some still have no solid alibi for some nights, not to mention we don’t even know how big the group of criminals is.”

“Does anybody stand out to you?”

“Not really…”

“Are we even making progress?” Seungmin asked. “It doesn’t feel like it. I mean we could be completely wrong about these guys.”

“What about style?” You suddenly asked.

“Huh?”

“You told me that you were investigating the street racers cause the drivers at the crime scene were exceptionally good. Most drivers have their own style, or certain things they do behind the wheel. Is there any way you could try to compare the two, and see if anyone matches up?”

“Hm… there isn’t really footage of the illegal racing.” Hyunjin commented. “But if we study the CCTV footage of the car chases, we might be able to do an onsite comparison based on our memory. It could help us narrow down the list and give us a better idea who to focus on. Great idea y/n.”

“Happy to help.”

“You should have been with us from the start.” Felix added. “You’re good at this.”

“Well someone didn’t want me helping.”

“I still don’t really like this.” Chan said. “But you have been a big help, so thanks.”

“No problem.”

    Chan did have to draw the line at the CCTV footage. You could probably find it on the internet yourself, but he wasn’t going to let you look at police evidence. You were fine with that, it would be easier to just get close to some of the racers and see what you could get out of them. So you did just that, going to races when you could, but your education still took priority.

“Y/n! There you are! I didn’t see you last time.”

“I had an exam to study for. Couldn’t risk coming out and getting wasted.”

“You could have let us know you had a curfew.”

“But would you follow it?”

“Maybe…”

“Exactly.” 

    You got along well with all the racers, even those who weren’t in the big eight. Especially considering you were always in their area, considered more one of them than just another spectator in the crowd here to drink and bet. Stray Kids always drove you here and took you home, so you really just had to show up and enjoy yourself. Out of everyone though, Ateez seemed to like you the most, and they’d always find you when you were around.

“You really take school seriously.” 

“Of course. I’m trying to build my life here.”

“Or you could just settle down with me.” Yunho suggested. “I promise I’ll take good care of you.”

“Yeah? Well, I appreciate the offer but I must decline.”

“Come on, why? I’m good looking, I got money, I-”

“I don’t know you.”

“What?”

“Outside this life, I’m not sure who Jeong Yunho is.”

“Then perhaps you should get to know him.”

“Hm…”

“What’s going on over here?” Mingi asked, coming between you two. “Y/n, good to see you, missed you last time. I was racing and really wanted you to ride with me.”

You chuckled. “Some other time then. Although I might pass out. You guys go too fast.”

“That’s part of the thrill.”

“I guess I’ll see one day.”

    You wound up over with Ateez for the night, having a drink and relaxing on the hood of one of their cars. Even out there you could see the stars in the sky. You always enjoyed star gazing, but in a place like this it was far from quiet, and dangerous. You were just talking with San when suddenly you heard yelling, and the sound of sirens in the distance.

“Fuck, it’s the cops. We gotta go.”

“Cops?”

“Come on.”

    Hongjoong grabbed you and pulled you off the hood of the car, shoving you into the backseat. San was already behind the wheel, and once Hongjoong was in the passenger seat you began to move. You could barely sit up properly in the back, the car going so fast so quickly, it made you nervous.

“Can you… like slow down or something…”

“Gotta outrun the cops.” San apologized. “I don’t feel like spending a night in jail, or getting my baby impounded.”

“Alright then…”

“You good back there baby?” Hongjoong asked.

“Yeah… yeah… I didn’t know cars could go this fast…”

“Well hold on tight.”

    Somehow you managed to get your seat belt on, and kept your head low. You were definitely scared but this was also quite exhilarating.

“Do you guys do this often?”

“What? Run from the cops?” San questioned.

“Yeah…”

“Maybe more than most.”

“Those pigs rarely find us racing.” Hongjoong said. “But I guess even they get lucky sometimes.” 

    You almost hit your head a few times on the journey, but when San swerved off the main road into a parking garage without warning, you smashed your face against the headrest of the seat in front of you.

“Y/n! Are you okay!?”

    Hongjoong quickly got out of the car and checked on you, seeing you had a bit of a nosebleed. San had also gotten out, looking into the back.

“Look what you did!”

“We got away, didn’t we!”

“I’m fine.” You assured. “Did I get any blood on your seats?”

“Who cares about that.”

“It’s expensive…”

“Cars can be fixed, can’t say the same about people. Come on, get some fresh air.”

    You got out of the car, San coming over to hand you some tissues to clean up the blood. They were really worried about you, but you were fine. Now that the immediate danger had passed, you found yourself smiling.

“That was insane. You guys really know how to drive. I could never imagine outrunning the cops. I guess it’s not just about being fast.”

“It’s a whole other world behind the wheel.” San said. “Sorry this is how you got a taste.”

“At least I’m not in a jail cell, right?”

“Exactly.”

    You all hung around for about an hour to let the heat die down. Then you drove back to the Ateez house, meeting up with the rest of the crew and a few others who had escaped the police. That’s when you got a call from Chan and told him that you were alright and with Ateez. He said he’d come by to get you, so just wait for him.

“You know you could just stay the night.” Wooyoung suggested. “We got plenty of room for you.”

“I appreciate that, but I have classes in the morning.”

“We can take you.”

“If I show up in one of your dope ass cars, I will get so many questions.”

“Are you not already the center of attention at school?”

“I go to a big university, plenty of other people get more attention than me.”

“Then they’re all blind.” Mingi yelled. “You are the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Stop it before I die of embarrassment.”

    You played a few games while you waited around for Chan. Despite their desire for you to stay, you couldn’t, and said you would some other time. You wished the good night and went on your way with Chan. Once you were alone with him you had questions.

“What the hell was that tonight?”

“What?”

“The cops showing up?”

“You think I control all the police? Sometimes they get wind of a race and come to arrest people. Also, not every other cop in the area knows we’re undercover. This was bound to happen.”

“And if I got caught?”

“I would bail you out.”

“Now you say that.”

“Well now you’re part of the team. Besides, a lot of people split up, us included. It was a good opportunity to see what these guys look like driving away from the police.”

“True.”

“Are you okay though? What’s with the blood?”

“Oh, minor nosebleed. I’m fine, just a bit scared by the whole thing.”

“I should have warned you better about that.”

“It’s fine. Made me blend in with my clueless friend cover.”

“So, Ateez again?”

“They like me. Not the best idea to put all my eggs in one basket I know, but if I get close to at least one crew, I can get them to spill tea on the others. You’re still the new ones, but the others might know about the robberies and who’s carrying them out.”

“Perhaps. Just don’t do anything dangerous.”

“I know, I know.”

    Undercover work was more of a night job for you, so during the day you lived your life as normal. You’d text some of the other racers throughout the day, acting like friends, but there wasn’t much else. You thought you could keep these lives separate, but they had other plans.

“Y/n!”

    You were heading off campus to go home when a car honk and your name being called caught your attention. You looked over to see Jongho waving at you excitedly, Seonghwa leaning against the car. Your eyes went wide in surprise, and Jongho hurried over to you.

“Done for the day?”

“I… yeah… how did you find me? I don’t think I ever told you-”

“When you know the right people you can find anyone. Also money, come on, I bet you haven’t eaten yet.”

“Oh, well-”

“The others are waiting.”

    You couldn’t argue with Jongho as he took your hand and led you to the car. There really was no way to say no, so you went along. They took you to a restaurant, meeting up with the rest of Ateez there. The boys were happy to see you, asking about your day and listening intently. The restaurant you were at was quite fancy, and there weren’t even prices on the menu. They of course told you not to worry, that everything was on them and you should just enjoy yourself.

“What do you guys even do with your free time? Don’t you all have lives?”

“Is that meant to be an insult?” Yunho questioned.

“No, no, of course not. I just… you all had some time today to take me out to dinner. One or two of you would make sense, but all eight of you? What do you do when you’re not behind the wheel?”

“Whatever we want.” Wooyoung said. “Watch TV, go out into town, shop, legally drive.”

“All of you?”

“More or less.” Hongjoong added. “And we hang out with each other.”

“Don’t you have… family responsibilities? Some of you-”

“Not really.” Seonghwa cut in. “Our parents rarely see us as a good fit for anything.”

“Oh… sorry… I didn’t mean to pry… I’m a bit jealous though, about the freedom you have.”

“Jealous?”

“You do as you please everyday, no financial worries, or worries about what your future will look like. It can be whatever you want, and you can change your mind at any time.”

“You’re talking about stability.” Jongho corrected. “Which isn’t out of reach for you, or anyone. You’re studying and making plans for your future. One day you’ll have your career and everything you could want.”

“But there’s no guarantee for me. You guys were born with stability… I have to try…”

“Does it worry you that much?” Mingi asked. “Your future?”

“Yeah…”

“But you’re so young. There’s still so much life for you. Studying and making plans, it sounds like where you���re supposed to be. It’s rare to have everything put together at your age.”

“I guess…”

“Hey, let’s just focus on today.” Yeosang said. “We’re all together sharing a meal, and each other’s company. You always gotta enjoy the little things.”

“You’re right about that.”

    They all shifted the topic over to happier things, ultimately picking up your mood. Dinner wasn’t the only plan for the night. So you wound up with drinks and karaoke, letting the time split away in a haze of joy. You don’t know when you finally left, but you didn’t go home. 

“Is there a party at your place tonight?”

“No. Do you want there to be?” San asked. 

“No… nobody else needs to come.”

“No? How come?”

“Cause I want you all to myself.”

    You vaguely remembered being drunk in the back of a car with San. You were leaning against, your breath against his neck, and he was looking at you like you were the only thing in the world. His eyes lingered on your lips, and he couldn’t help himself. San leaned in to kiss you, and you kissed back. The two of you got closer, deepening the kiss, and then you roughly got pulled away.

“I want a turn.”

    Wooyoung tasted differently, but his kiss was just as deep. San wasn’t just going to sit back, coming in close, his lips against your neck. You’ve never really had attention like that before, so you were quite happy.

“Take it easy back there.” Yunho commented. “Don’t distract me.”

“Keep your eyes on the road.” Mingi stated. “We’ll get a turn later.”

    When the car came to a stop Wooyoung and San were pulled away from you. Next thing you knew Yunho was helping you out and then carrying you in his arms.

“You’re not drunk.”

“I had to drive, remember?”

“Hm… that’s sad…”

“I can drink now that we’re home.”

“Yeah?”

“Will you drink with me?”

“Sure. I can go for another round.”

“Ya, ya.” Hongjoong interrupted. “We’re not trying to give you alcohol poisoning, baby. No more drinks for you.”

“Come on… need even orange juice?”

“Juice is fine, but nothing alcoholic.”

“Yes captain!”

    You giggled and held on to Yunho, going into the house and to the kitchen. He set you down on the counter, getting a glass and some bottles. You reached for one but Yeosang took it from you.

“What did we say?”

“I just wanted to pour Yunho a drink.”

“Hm… I can do that.”

“Okay.”

    Yeosang gave you a chaste kiss on your cheek. He had a few drinks with Yunho, and you enjoyed your juice. You couldn’t really keep up with the conversation, but they found your babbling cute. You didn’t know how long you stayed up, but more came to join in, and you could vaguely remember the soft kisses and hands all over your body. It all felt so nice you never wanted it to end, but your body had to tap out at some point.

❤

“Hm…”

    You took in a soft breath as you came to, stretching your limbs while in bed, slowly waking up. When you opened your eyes the peace of the morning was shot down. You didn’t recognize the room you were in, which means you weren’t home. You quickly got out of bed, only to stumble to the ground, your legs a bit shaky. You weren’t in your own clothes either, instead wearing your panties and an oversized shirt, no bra either.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…”

    Wasn’t hard to imagine what had happened. You looked around the room, finding some pants, they fit well enough, and some shoes to put on. None of this was your own but you needed to move. Thankfully your phone was on the nightstand, and you started looking into calling yourself a ride. You carefully peeked out the room, seeing the empty hall. By now there was no doubt where you were. It was the Ateez house, and you could not remember last night.

“Morning.”

    You were creeping down the hall when you heard a voice and immediately froze. You slowly turned around, giving Mingi a shy wave.

“Hi…”

“You’re just in time for breakfast, come on.”

“I should really get going though… uh, where are my clothes?”

“In the dryer. You spilled some juice on yourself.”

“Oh… right…”

“You don’t remember?”

“Last night’s a blur for me right now… and I don’t-”

“We didn’t do anything.”

“Huh?”

“We didn’t fuck you if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I… I…”

“Not that we wouldn’t, but we’d rather you be sober.”

“Oh…”

“We did kiss you up and down though.”

“Uh…”

“Come on, breakfast.”

    Mingi took your hand and led you downstairs to the dining room. The other boys greeted you, Seonghwa and Yunho setting up the table.

“Can I help with anything?”

“Just take a seat, we got this.” Seonghwa smiled.

“Thanks…”

    Everything smelled so good, and you were quite amazed by the fact they could cook. Yeosang and Jongho served you, making sure you got the best of everything.

“Are you feeling alright?” Hongjoong asked. “I got some hangover soup for you if you need it.”

“I’m okay, not as bad as I could be.”

“I’m glad.”

“So then… this is dumb… but you all really live here together?”

“Yeah, our shared space away from responsibilities and family and all that nonsense.” Wooyoung said. “You’re more than welcome to move in, we’d love to have you.”

“Oh no, I doubt I could pay rent for a place like this. Besides, Seonghwa told me you guys were planning to move soon.”

“Right… forgot about that…”

“Besides… last night… why didn’t you take me home?”

“Cause you were drunk.” Yunho explained. “We couldn’t just leave you alone. You’re also assuming we know where you live.”

“Right… sorry…”

“We do, but it’s more about you being alone.”

“You were also sucking face with San and Wooyoung,” Mingi added. “So it’d be mean to send you home alone.”

You felt your face start to burn. “Uh… I… um…”

“Don’t tease her.” Jongho said. “Last night was enough fun for everyone.”

“I hear venom in those words.” San chuckled. “Is it cause she was in my room and not yours?”

“Watch it.”

“That’s not how you speak to your hyung.”

“Guys, calm down.” Yeosang stated. “Can we just enjoy breakfast together?”

“Fine.”

“Good. Y/n, I’ll take you home after this.”

“Ya! No fair!”

You giggled. “Thanks, Yeosang.”

    After breakfast your clothes were dry, so you were good to go. The boys packed you some hangover cures, but of course San and Wooyoung tagged along to drop you off.

“Thanks for last night, it was a lot of fun, even if somethings are hazy.”

“No problem, just let us know if you need anything.” Yeosang assured. “Get some rest.”

“You too.”

    It was certainly strange to spend time with Ateez outside of the racing, and parties, but it was also nice. Outside of being suspects in a criminal case, they were good people and their heart seemed to be in the right place. You didn’t tell Chan about this, knowing he’d be worried about you spending time with Ateez unsupervised. The problem is this wasn’t a one time thing. You began to see Ateez more often. Some would come by for lunch, or find you around campus and just spend time with you. Little by little, visit by visit, they felt more like friends than anything else. Although you couldn’t hide it forever. The chemistry that others would see at the track spoke for itself.

“Y/n.”

“Hm?”

“Can we talk?”

“Sure.”

    You had been spectating a race with Hongjoong when Chan came over, pulling you away. You went over to his area, getting into one of his cars. The windows were tinted, and he put on some music to fill the silence.

“What’s up? I don’t think we should be talking-”

“What’s going on between you and Ateez?”

“Uh… well…”

“All of a sudden you seem real close to them.”

“I did say it was a good idea to get close with one group and see-”

“How close?”

“What?”

“Have you slept with them?”

“Chan!”

“I’m serious. Socializing and gathering information is one thing, but if you’ve crossed a line-”

“I cannot believe you’d ask this!”

“These guys are suspected criminals!”

“And when was the last time a robbery was committed? What if your crew moved on and you’re all just here driving in circles? Did you think about that?!”

“Y/n, these people are dangerous, criminals or not, and I don’t want you getting so mixed up with them.”

“Well I’m not sleeping with them, okay? And these guys are just normal people! Just cause your suspected criminals are good drivers, doesn’t mean they do this illegal street racing stuff. Maybe they’re normal race car drivers, have you looked into that? Or maybe they don’t race at all besides the-”

“Enough!”

“…”

“I’m taking you home, and I want you out of my case, understood?”

“You’re unbelievable!”

“Am I clear!”

“Crystal! And I’ll take myself home!”

    Before Chan could yell some more you got out of the car, slamming the door. You stormed off, heading out of the VIP area and into the regular crowd. You just needed to get to the main road and could get a ride from there.

“Y/n-”

“Leave me-”

    While you were on the move you suddenly felt someone grab your arm. You quickly yanked yourself free, beginning to yell but stopping when you realized it was Mingi.

“Sorry, I didn’t… sorry…”

“Are you alright? I saw you storming off and leaving the race course.”

“I’m just not feeling well, so I’m heading home early.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear. I can take you home, it’d be better-”

“No, it’s alright.”

“I insist. I don’t like the idea of you going home alone at this hour.”

“Mingi-”

“Please. Maybe we should get some ice cream first.”

You chuckled. “That’s not a bad idea.”

    You went with Mingi, waiting for him as he brought his car around. He was serious about the ice cream, finding a place still open and getting you a sweet treat.

“Are you seriously okay?”

“Well I’m feeling better now.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“It’s nothing really. It’s just… Chan really doesn’t like me being around all this stuff… the racing and all that…”

“Does he not like us?”

“Honestly… I don’t think he does…”

“I get your childhood friends, but you’re your own person, and capable of making your own decisions.”

“I know, he knows, but he still worries.”

“I would too. So, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know… but I have a lot to think about.”

    You stayed with Mingi for a while, small conversations and silence, just appreciating his company. Looking back you probably shouldn’t have yelled at Chan like that, but thinking about that whole conversation frustrated you all over again. Maybe you both overreacted, or it was just you. Either way you weren’t sure what you should do, for now you just wanted to ignore everything, and Mingi knew that. So instead of taking you home as he said, he took you back to his own place. Telling you it was probably best to go somewhere Chan wouldn’t find you immediately, giving you both some proper space.

    You thanked Mingi for his thoughtfulness, and ultimately passed out in his room. He had informed the rest of his crew that you were in the house so they wouldn’t be surprised when they got home. Also to ease any worries if anyone asked about you, not that they would say where you were. The boys were happy to see you in the morning, acting like you had stayed over and not talking about the night prior. You were grateful for that, remembering that Ateez were just as much your friends as Chan and the rest of Stray Kids were. You could make your own decisions about the company you kept.

“Y/n, your birthday is coming up.”

“What? How did you-”

“It’s us.” Yunho smiled. “How could we not know?”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“So, got any plans?”

“Uh, well, not really, haven’t thought about it. My friends usually throw me a semi-surprise party.”

“How about this year you spend it with us?” Seonghwa suggested. “We’ll throw you a big party right here.”

“Yeah! We’ll invite everyone, and have a big cake, and lots of presents.” Wooyoung added. “It’ll be great!”

“I don’t know…”

“It’ll be fun, the best birthday party ever.” Yeosang said. “If you want that is, we won’t push it, but you should let us treat you for your special day too.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“A big party would be way more fun.” San mentioned. “So think hard about it.”

“I-”

    Your phone started ringing, halting the conversation. When you looked at the caller ID you saw it was Chan, getting nervous. You got up and stepped away from the table, going into the room next over.

“Hello?”

“Hey, I’m at your place, could you let me in? So we can talk?”

“Uh… about that… I’m not home right now…”

“Not… where are you?”

“Just… uh, just a friend’s place.”

“Friend? Don’t tell me you’re with Ateez?”

“And if I am?”

“What did we talk about last night?”

“We didn’t talk, you yelled at me.”

“Cause I’m worried about you being alone with these guys. Suspects or not, they are not a good influence on you.”

“And you are? Look at the company you keep.”

“That’s part of-”

“Whatever. I’m going home now anyway, please don’t be there when I arrive.”

    You hung up without waiting to hear him speak. You were already upset about last night, and this wasn’t helping.

“You okay?”

“Huh?”

“You didn’t sound too happy.” Hongjoong admitted, having followed you. “Everything alright?”

“I guess. I have to get home, so thanks for breakfast.”

“I’ll drop you off, your house, promise this time.”

“Fine.”

    It was better to get a ride than to call for one. No one else tagged along this time, as Hongjoong didn’t let them. He took you home as he said, although when you got there you noticed Chan’s car, meaning he was waiting for you.

“Y/n?”

“You know what, let’s have that party.”

“Yeah?”

“Yup.”

“Great. We’ll take care of everything, so don’t worry. We’ll pick you up on your special day.”

“Thanks.”

“Take care.”

“You too.”

    You thanked Hongjoong for the ride, going up to your apartment. As you feared Chan was there waiting for you. There was silence between you until you were both inside.

“You were supposed to go home last night.”

“Mingi had other ideas. Took me out for ice cream first, and I didn’t want to come back here.”

“You could have let me know.”

“And have you show up at their place in the morning? No thanks.”

“Look, about last night. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’m sorry. I worry about you getting involved with them and if-”

“That’s the key word, if. Look, I get Ateez is on your list of suspects, and all I’m doing is gathering information. I don’t intend to stay friends with them if they’re found guilty, or not. This is just part of the job, right?”

“Except it was never your job to take on.”

“I volunteered for this, so you don’t bear the responsibility here.”

“I let you, so I do. And I was serious about you stepping away.”

“And how exactly do you think I should do that? All those guys know me, they like me.”

“Just tell them you’re focusing on school. Distance yourself and I’m sure they’ll just forget.”

“I guess…”

“Are we good?”

“Sure.”

“Okay. I’ll get going then, since I know you didn’t want to see me right now.”

“Bingo. Have a good day.”

“You too.”

    Of course you didn’t entirely listen to Chan. You knew he had a point, and you didn’t exactly lie when you said you’d cut ties with these people once the job was done. That wasn’t now though. They were your friends and you wanted to maintain the relationship. Especially considering what happened. A few days later it was on the news. A robbery had taken place, and this time the criminals had left behind a message. You rushed over to Chan’s place once you saw the news. He didn’t want to share information, but he couldn’t stop you once you were through the door.

“So you have a name now?”

“Yes. The graffiti left behind was a black flag with a skull and crossbones along with a name, the Black Pirates.”

“So that’s who’s been behind the last few robberies.”

“It seems so.”

“And for your information, they are street racers.” Minho added. “So you were spot on about comparing the driving styles.”

“Really? Who do they match?”

“The juries still out on that, but the way they moved is similar to what we’ve seen in the races.”

“We also got a number this time.” Felix stated. “From what the cameras picked up before they got taken out there seems to be eight pirates.”

“Eight? So wouldn’t that rule out the smaller groups like Mons-”

“Not exactly.” Jeongin cut in. “Just cause we saw eight this time, doesn’t mean there’s always been eight.”

“But it would make sense. There’s always been two getaway cars.”

“There could be some members of the Black Pirates that don’t participate in illegal street racing.” Hyunjin explained. “Or vice versa, given there are groups with more than eight members, like NCT. They could alternate depending on the hit, or have outside help.”

“So we don’t really have much.”

“We know we’re looking in the right place.” Seungmin said. “Now it’s just about finding the evidence, and catching the culprit.”

“So it is progress.”

“Any bit is better than none.”

    That was good to hear, even if this whole operation was now months in. At least they knew that this wasn’t all a waste and they were on the right track. That in itself must be a huge relief to them, for you too actually. You may not really understand the danger, especially when they first started. Surely getting in must have been a lot of trouble on its own. Still, you had your own things to focus on. It was your special day after all, and you were quite excited. Your friends usually threw you a party, which meant you needed to tell them about this year’s plans. You were going to, but when you brought up your birthday they said they got the invites already.

    Apparently Ateez had already invited all your friends, and they were very excited about the party this year. They had lots of questions regarding your new friends, but promised to bother you about it later because today was your day. Classes weren’t that difficult, and you planned to go home and get dressed, but there were other plans. As you were making your way off campus you were surprised to find Mingi and Yunho waiting for you. There were already plans in place for your special day, and that started with some shopping. You should premiere a new outfit at your party, and they were gonna take care of everything.

    You couldn’t really say no, even once you saw the price tags. They took you to some high class stores, places you’d never shop at normally. At first Mingi tried to hide the price tags from you, telling you to pick what you liked, but you couldn’t help it. You thought you were dreaming when you saw the zeroes, but they told you money wasn’t a problem. Took a lot of coaxing, and they told you this was basically your present. They wanted you to look nice, for your beauty to shine, and it would be unfair to deny them that. So you caved, and looked only at the styles and found something you liked.

    The boys had you walk out in your new outfit, and had a few others to change into later in the night. From there you went over to the house, and you were left in awe as you stood at the front door. The place was mostly decorated, some people still working on the final touches, but it looked insane. Everything practically screamed Happy Birthday at you, and it honestly felt so surreal. The rest of the boys came over to give you birthday wishes and ask you how everything looked. It was incredible already. The snacks and food laid out on the tables, all the party games they had scattered around the house too. You had never been to such a party. Even the previous events they had before was nothing compared to this.

“I have to ask… you invited my friends… how did you get their numbers?”

“We just borrowed your phone for a bit.” Yeosang admitted.

“When?”

“Sometime ago.”

“But-”

“That’s not the concern right now. If you have anything more to do to get ready, go ahead.” Seonghwa suggested. “You can use my room.”

    Seonghwa took your shopping bags and led you up to his place. It was still early so the party wouldn’t be starting soon. You were pretty much ready to go aside from some makeup, but you held off on that. Since you had time you worked on homework, wanting to have one less thing to worry about so you could truly enjoy the night. Of course if Ateez caught you they’d probably say something, but this was for your own benefit. Thankfully you finished your assignments just as you heard music blasting through the house.

    Wooyoung was the one to bring you down to the party. Even if you didn’t know a lot of the guests, they all seemed to know you were the birthday girl. So you got many birthday wishes, more than ever before. When your friends showed up they were so excited to see you, and everything else that was going on for you. They couldn’t believe such a party had been thrown for you, and graciously thanked the boys of Ateez for their generosity. You were a bit embarrassed, but you could dwell on those feelings some other time. The night went on, and you spent lots of time with your friends. It almost felt like you were at a club more than anything, and with no worries about creeps bothering you. 

“Mind if I steal a dance?” San whispered in your ear, joining you on the dance floor. “You look smokin.”

“You tell me this now?”

“Well, I can say it again and again if you need me to.”

“Hm, that sounds nice.”

“Or…”

“Or?”

“How about I give you your birthday present?”

“Present? Isn’t that after the cake?”

“You can have my present first.”

“Hm…”

“Come on.”

    San took your hand and apologized to your friends as he was going to borrow you for a while. They all smiled and gave you thumbs up, waving you off. You were quite curious as to what kind of present San had for you. It could quite possibly be anything. So when he led you down to the garage, you were starting to think he bought you a car. That would be insane, and you wouldn’t even know what to do with it. Although things quickly changed when you saw someone else.

“There’s the birthday girl.” Wooyoung waved, sitting on the hood of a car. “You ready for your present?”

“Yeah. You guys got me a car?”

“What? No, this is one of our race cars.”

“Oh… then… what’s my present?”

“Us.”

“You?”

“We figured tonight we should give you a present you won’t forget.”

    Wooyoung opened the back door of the car, San leading you over to it. He had you lay back and then he climbed on top of you. Although you put your hands on his chest to stop him.

“You want to do this… in your car?”

“Well, I want it to smell like you. That way you’re with us the next time we use it, even if not physically.”

“Oh… well you guys are certainly something else.”

“If you don’t want to, just say so.”

“This is my birthday present, isn’t it? I want to receive it in full.”

“As you wish, princess.”

    You had never done it in a car before, but San seemed to have some experience. It made you a bit jealous, but it was all to make sure you enjoyed yourself tonight. Of course Wooyoung was still there, waiting his turn. He was sitting in the driver’s seat, watching you from the rear view mirror and stroking his length, only allowed to imagine himself on top of you for now. On occasion you’d make eye contact with him, and you could see the lust in his eyes. He might not even let San finish and just go over and yank him off you, but he was a patient boy. 

    You on the other hand, not so much since San being proper with his prep work. When he finally gave it to you, relief washed over your face. He stretched you out so good, like it was a perfect fit, but since he had already prepped you, he didn’t give you the satisfaction of feeling him whole and started moving. Obscenities spilled from your lips as you grabbed onto whatever you could, letting him take control.

“Fuck, fuck, San…”

“Just take it like a good girl. I know you can.”

“Hm…”

“Don’t fuck her brains out.” Wooyoung commented. “I get my turn after you.”

“She’s the birthday girl, and deserves the best, so I’ma give it to her.”

    He wasn’t wrong there, giving you everything he had. At times you swear you saw white, and he put all his attention into your pleasure. He was adamant about holding out and making you cum first, which he succeeded in. Your body shook underneath him as your orgasm took over, your center squeezing him tightly and forcing him to spill his seed inside you. San had been trying to hold out but he couldn’t deny you in the moment.

“Fuck, y/n, you feel so tight.”

“Aw, fuck, that’s not fair.” Wooyoung whined. “That should be me.”

“Did you make a mess in the front?” San asked. “Seriously?”

“You made a mess in the back.”

“Not alone.”

“Stop bragging. It’s my turn anyway.”

    In a matter of seconds Wooyoung had gotten out of the car and went over to the back. He pulled San’s pants up and shoved him to the side, wanting to get a good look at you.

“So pretty.”

“Hm.”

    Wooyoung gently caressed your cheek, his hands then trailing down your body. You were so sensitive at the moment, the slightest touch made you shiver. He loved the goofy smile on your face, clearly still high.

“You ready for more baby girl?”

“Will you be gentle?”

Wooyoung chuckled. “No.”

“Good.”

    That was all he needed to get started. Wooyoung dipped his fingers into your sloppy center, scooping up some of San’s seed and using it to write his name out on your stomach.

“I think we forgot to ask, but are you taking anything? Or is San gonna become a daddy?”

“I’m okay, you’re the only daddy I need tonight.”

“Fuck, baby girl, keep talking like that and I’m gonna make you a mommy.”

“Bet.”

    Wooyoung wasn’t gonna wait around much longer, angling himself perfectly and grabbing your hips before thrusting into the mess between your legs. You were still so sensitive, so his rough movements made you shake all over again. You bit your lip as the last bits of your previous orgasm fluttered through your body, and then got replaced by Wooyoung’s actions. He wasn’t San, but he had his own way of making you feel good. He took advantage of your state too, rubbing your clit and groping your breasts to divide your attention. He had all kinds of signals going off in your brain.

“You’re such a good fuck.”

“Hm… more…”

“I know, baby, I got you.”

    Wooyoung pulled you closer, getting relentless as your words motivated him to do better. He wanted to watch you unravel beneath him, and the desire was taking over. You didn’t notice when San had gotten himself together, but he had gone to the other side of the car and looked down on you. Although Wooyoung tried to push him away, especially when San started kissing you. It didn’t work though as he kept coming back, even when Wooyoung scolded him. Still, he could only really focus on you, wanting to make you scream his name, which is exactly what he got. You grabbed his arm tightly, mumbling out for him to go faster and make you cum. Your words excited him and he gave you just that, holding your face with his free hand as you climaxed.

    He watched your lips tremble, eyes roll back in ecstasy, knowing he was the reason for your actions. That, and feeling you hug him so tight, was enough to push him over the edge. Wooyoung locked eyes with you, wanting to ride out his high while he made your body tremble, watching everything you did. Your smile filled him with such satisfaction, he leaned down to kiss you, lips then trailing down your body. With two orgasms under your belt you were quite tired, and sore, and far more sensitive than before. Wooyoung stayed with you for a moment before pulling out, giving you some more chaste kisses. He gently pulled up your legs, trying to make sure you were comfortable, and San got into the back so you could rest your head in his lap. Thankfully you weren’t cold, even if you were partially undressed. The heat from their love was enough to keep you warm.

“You good?” San asked while petting your head. “Did you like your present?”

“… yeah… so good…”

“We’re glad to hear.”

“We should have bounced her on the stick shift.” Wooyoung commented from the driver’s seat. “Before we filled her up. Would have made it all the more special.”

“Next time perhaps, what do you say, y/n?”

“Hm…”

    You stayed semi curled up for a while, just letting your body wind down after all that fun. Although you couldn’t stay there long. You had shut your eyes, partially falling asleep, only to open them wide at the sound of knocking on the roof of the car. You looked over and found Yunho peeking in and taking you in.

“What’s this?”

“She was receiving her gifts.” San stated. “And she’s very happy with them.”

“Is that so?”

“Hm.” You hummed in agreement.

“Well, can the birthday girl come up for cake?”

“Cake?”

“We can’t cut the cake without you, everyone’s waiting.”

“Uh…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you and it’ll be quick.”

    Yunho helped you sit up and get your clothes back on. He didn’t comment on the mess between your legs but he did help you clean up a bit. It wouldn’t be good to have cum running down your leg while everyone sang happy birthday to you. Once you were presentable you got out of the car, only to realize your legs were shaky. Yunho effortlessly picked you up in his arms bridal style.

“I’ll take you up.”

“Thanks.”

    You were a bit shy, but you couldn’t object to this. Yunho carried you upstairs to the party, taking you outside to where the cake had been brought out. Everyone cheered when you arrived, Jongho lighting the candles on the cake, one of many actually. Yunho gently put you down, and allowed you to use him to support yourself. Everyone got quiet and then the singing began. You had never heard so many people sing before, let alone with such excitement in their voice. You took a moment to make a wish and then blew out the candles. More cheers erupted, the cake began to get cut, and then everything went dark. One moment you were receiving hugs and good wishes, and then you had cake in your face.

    You laughed as you wiped icing off your face, seeing Jongho with an empty plate of cake, and a revealing smile on his face. You quickly grabbed him and pressed messy kisses to his face, getting him covered in cake too. He seemed to enjoy it, although you couldn’t stay that way. As the initial excitement calmed down, Yeosang led you and Jongho upstairs to clean up. You wound up in his room, and even though you tried to clean yourself up, he suggested getting in the shower. It wasn’t a bad idea, especially considering the type of gift you had received already. So you didn’t hesitate to take your top off, leaving Yeosang and Jongho in shock.

“What? It’s not anything you haven’t seen before.”

“I… I…” Jongho mumbled. “Yeah, but I didn’t think you were so bold.”

“Neither did I.”

“I’ll get you some clean clothes.” Yeosang offered. “I’ll be back.”

    You went into the bathroom and stripped off the rest of your clothes, hopping into the tub. You took a quick shower just to clean yourself up, and get any sugar out of your hair. When you finished you stepped out with a towel wrapped around you, even though you had your bra and panties beneath. Yeosang handed you some clothes, and once you were dressed Jongho cleaned himself up. It wasn’t as much as you so he just needed to wash his face.

“Cleaned up already?”

    Seonghwa softly knocked and entered the room with a plate of cake, happy to see you were alright. He would probably scold Jongho but you told him to leave it alone, surely someone else would cake your face.

“You guys really went all out for me.”

“Of course, it’s your birthday. You should be celebrated to the maximum.”

“I really appreciate everything you guys have done for me today.”

“Well the night is still young. Here, you should enjoy some cake.”

    Seonghwa was happy to feed you, and the cake was quite good too. Although you were getting icy all over your lips. Seonghwa was gonna reach over and wipe it off when Yeosang grabbed his hand and decided to kiss you, cleaning up the icing along the way.

“Yummy.”

“Ya!” Seonghwa yelled. “You can’t just go around kissing her!”

“Why not? I heard WooSan already gave her a present too.”

“What?”

“Yeah, they went down to the garage.” Jongho added. “I bet they made a mess.”

“The garage, is that true?”

“Uh… well…” You were a bit shy, trying to hide your face. “Yes…”

“I see… did you like it?”

“It was… nice…”

“I didn’t know you were such a bad girl.”

“What?”

“You’re supposed to get presents after cake, not before.”

“Oh, well… I didn’t-”

“Since you’ve had cake now. I suppose I can give you my present too.”

“Sure. What did you get me?”

“A very unique gift.”

    Seonghwa put down the plate and grabbed your hand. He kissed it softly and then led it down to rest on his crotch. Your eyes went wide and you looked up at him, feeling more shy than before. He just smirked.

“What? You think I don’t know what those two troublemakers did? There are cameras everywhere, baby.”

“Oh…”

“No need to be shy. Although I understand you might be a bit tired, I’ll take good care of you though.”

“Ah, well…”

“All of us.” Yeosang added.

“Huh?”

“Did you think we were just gonna leave you with Seonghwa? That’s hardly fair.”

“So all three of you…”

“Can you handle us?” Jongho questioned. “It’s okay if you can’t, we’ll teach you.”

“You guys are being too much.”

“It’s only fair. The birthday girl has to get the best for her special day.”

    Seonghwa leaned in close to kiss your cheek before taking the plate and setting it down on the dresser. Yeosang had you move up and lay back on the bed. The clothes you were wearing were loose fitting and easy to remove, leaving you in your undergarments.

“You’re all being very bold tonight.”

“We have been waiting for this too.”

“Really? You must have been so frustrated.”

“You have no idea.”

    Yeosang was pushed to the side as Seonghwa climbed on top of you, stealing a kiss and tasting cake on your lips. His hands explored your body, ultimately pushing up your bra to feel your breasts. He had been holding himself together, but he couldn’t keep doing that. Seonghwa began to undress, getting you out of the last bits of clothes you had on too. Now that you were completely exposed he began pressing kisses all over your chest and lower stomach. Your focus was solely on him until a shirtless Yeosang crawled onto the bed and started kissing your hand. He made you giggle, which brought a smile to his lips.

    Although Seonghwa wasn’t happy about your attention elsewhere, so he got it back the only way he sought fit. You let out a ragged moan as Seonghwa pushed a finger into you without warning. Your eyes shot down at him, seeing the big smirk on his face. You didn’t need that much prep, still recovering from the car sex. Which worked in your favor as you didn’t have to wait too long for Seonghwa to fuck you. He was still a tease though, going slow with his fingers, pressing long kisses on your clit, making you whine at every point. You couldn’t play his game for long.

“Seonghwa you better fuck me soon or Yeosang can go first.”

“Don’t make threats like that.”

“It’s my birthday, isn’t it? What I say goes.”

“Tsk. I like a dominant woman, but tonight you’re at my mercy.”

    Maybe you should be careful what you wish for. Seonghwa grabbed your hips tightly, pressing on the bruises that were forming thanks to Wooyoung, and swiftly pushed his length into you. He could have teased you, but since you asked for it, he was gonna give it to you, every last bit. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head and you gripped the bed sheets.

“Fuck…”

“You wanted it.”

“Yeah… keep going…”

“Oh I will.”

    Seonghwa started off gentle, wanting to let your body adjust, but he wasn’t gonna be a tease for long. Before you knew it he was going at a relentless pace, making your whole body move with him. He wanted you to himself and pushed Yeosang away, holding your hands in his and watching you with lust in his eyes. You tried to keep your eyes on him, but whenever he hit your sweet spot you couldn’t help but shut your eyes in bliss and tremble.

“You like that?”

“Hm…”

    You were close, and you could tell he was too as he was losing his rhythm. It was a bit funny to think you had cleaned yourself up only to wind up with your legs spread so soon. You were gonna get filled up, which reminded you to mention it. Although Seonghwa said he knew, having been listening in to your previous session.

“Pervert.” Jongho commented.

“As if you’re not gonna go look up the security footage later.”

“Shut up.”

    Seonghwa leaned in for a deep kiss as he kept his momentum going, freeing his hands from your grip and using them to play with you and push you over the edge. Your orgasm seemed to push him over the edge and he held you close as you both rode out the high together. He pressed his forehead against yours, the two of you breathless but with smiles on your faces.

“You good?”

“Never better.” You exhaled. “Although I’m not your first.”

“But you can be my last.”

“Hm…”

“Move over!” Yeosang shoved Seonghwa off you. “My fucken turn.”

“Ya! I wasn’t-”

“She’s so delicate right now I wanna take advantage.”

    You barely even heard the end of Yeosang’s statement before he pushed himself into you, making the cum in you overflow. He let out a delightful moan as your body trembled and accommodated him among the mess. You gripped the sheets, letting out a shaky moan. You were still coming down from your high when Yeosang took over, making it so pleasure and pain began mixing. His hands trailed your body, kneading your breasts and taking them into his mouth on occasion. You reached over to feel his body, looking down as well to see where you two met. You never had this much fun before, and this was surely the best birthday present ever.

“You still with me, princess?”

“Yeah�� I’m trying…”

“Trying?” Jongho questioned. “You’re barely halfway done here.”

“You jealous?”

“Who wouldn’t be?”

“Then be a good boy and wait.”

    They’d each have a turn but they really didn’t like losing your attention. While you had been talking with Jongho, Yeosang slowed down, making you whimper. He didn’t move, forcing you to grind down on him for your own satisfaction. Then without warning he started back up again, grabbing your hips, which were definitely gonna be purple tomorrow. He was just a tad bit upset and now really taking it out on you. So it wasn’t long before another orgasm washed over you, making you shake and hold him tightly, which ultimately pushed him over the edge too.

“Fuck, you’re so good… we should do it again.”

“You’ve had your turn, hyung.” Jongho commented. 

“Let the maknae have their fun too.” Seonghwa added. “If not for them we might not have gotten here.”

“So I wasn’t gonna get my present if not for Jongho?”

“Oh you would have gotten it one way or another.”

    Jongho did give you a minute to rest and recover, laying down at your side and taking your hand in his, kissing it gently. He looked so dreamy with you, and his eyes were so big and bright. You couldn’t imagine what he had in store for you.

“Are you enjoying your party?”

“For the bits I’ve been in, yeah.”

“That’s good.”

    Jongho started off slow and soft, knowing you were definitely sensitive. He carefully rolled on top of you, pressing soft kisses against your skin, making you feel very loved. 

“Will you be alright?”

“Yeah… just be yourself.”

“If you can handle it.”

“I can.”

“Then I’ll test you on it.”

    You laid with him for a while as he continued to pepper you with kisses. His touch would send sparks up your body, and when his lips finally reached your core you ran a hand through his hair. It was swollen and achy down there, but his gentle touch was soothing. You were lost in his softness that you didn’t notice when he was getting himself ready until you felt him pushing into you. He gave it to you inch by inch, holding your legs apart, watching your mouth hang open in silent bliss.

“I got you baby girl.”

    Jongho held your hands, rocking back and forth softly. You moved with him, eyes shut and soft whimpers escaping your lips. He was a different kind of good, and you didn’t expect his strength. He slowed down a bit, picking you up in his arms and thrusting up into you. More soft moans escaped your lips into his ear, giving him strength and motivation. You wrapped your arms around him, using all your strength to hold on. He took care of the rest and managed to wring another orgasm out of you. He loved how you melted in his arms, and he could feel every little movement of your body as it was overwhelmed with pleasure.

    Jongho pressed a kiss to your cheek, laying you back down on the bed and gently teasing you before he reached his own climax. This time he pressed his lips to yours, holding your hands tightly and riding out his own orgasm while feeding into yours. As you both caught your breath he laid beside you, still holding your hand. The other two had joined you in bed as well, all of you together in a little pile. You could feel the aches and bruises starting to form but you paid them no mind, still very happy with the overall experience. 

“Happy birthday.”

“Thanks…”

    You felt like you had probably fallen asleep for a bit, rightfully so. You awoke to the sounds of vibrating, sleepily sitting up and looking around. You were still in Yeosang’s room, and weren’t entirely alone. Yeosang and Jongho were still with you, taking a nap too, but Seonghwa was gone. Regardless, your focus shifted to the vibrating noise, looking around the room. You got out of bed, legs a bit shaky, but you found the source, your phone. You were still half asleep, but once you saw the caller ID you were wide awake. The spike of adrenaline gave you the energy to put on a shirt and joggers and step out of the room to answer the call.

“Hello?”

“Hey, where are you?”

“Oh, you know, out with friends. It’s my birth-”

“Where? I didn’t get an invite to the party.”

“You didn’t? I would have thought-”

“Y/n, please stop lying to me.”

“Wa… what?”

“I saw the pictures your friends posted on social, and I recognized the place.”

“So…”

“I told you to stay away. They are-”

    You were already feeling frustrated with the call when your phone was suddenly taken away. Hongjoong offered you a smile and hung up, turning your phone off.

“Hongjoong…”

“What’s wrong? The birthday girl shouldn’t be sad on her special day.”

“Uh… I… you didn’t invite Chan?”

“Of course not. He doesn’t like us, and there shouldn’t be any negativity today.”

“But-”

“Did he call to wish you a happy birthday?”

“No…”

“Then the right choice was made. Come on now, forget about the call and focus on the party. The night is still young.” Hongjoong held his hand out to you. “Shall we?”

    You knew Chan was gonna be upset about the way the call ended, even if it wasn’t your fault. Still, even if he rushed over now to see you and yell, it would be best to enjoy yourself to the fullest. You took a breath and offered Hongjoong a smile, taking his hand.

“We shall.”

“Good. Now I heard from Seonghwa that someone has been receiving presents.”

“I see word travels fast.”

“Have you been enjoying yourself?”

“Yes. It’s a great party.”

“I’m glad to hear.”

“I didn’t know you’d-”

    While walking your legs suddenly gave out, but Hongjoong managed to hold you up. The adrenaline of the call had worn off and the exhaustion of your previous activities was catching up to you now.

“Sorry…”

“No need to apologize, I got you.”

    You were trying to get your feet under you when Yunho and Mingi suddenly appeared. The two quickly took you from Hongjoong and helped you stand.

“You good?”

“Yeah, yeah…”

“I didn’t know Wooyoung and San did such a number on you.”

“You’re forgetting they aren’t the only ones to deliver their presents.”

“Are you serious?” Mingi questioned. “How are you still awake baby girl?”

“No idea… so are all of you just gifting me sex tonight?”

“Don’t like it?”

“Seems a little cheap. I saw the boxes down there…”

“You’re assuming sex is the only gift you’ll get from us.” Hongjoong chuckled. “Not to mention this party. We spent quite a pretty penny on you.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“But we wanted to.”

    The boys carried you to another bedroom, Hongjoong’s, and set you down. Yunho gently grabbed your legs and massaged them a bit, getting you to lay back. Your shirt exposed a bit of your stomach, and he pulled it up further, seeing the marks.

“Damn, you really are having a fun night, aren’t you?”

“I can’t lie… it’s been the best.”

“Then let us continue, or at least bring this night to a close.” Hongjoong said. “If you can manage it.”

“I wouldn’t mind passing out with one of you guys in me.”

“Promise?”

    Yunho pressed kisses to your cheek, pushing you up on the bed so you could rest comfortably. He got you out of your shirt and bra, taking one of your breasts into his mouth. You ran a hand through his hair, keeping him close. He tugged the joggers down, rubbing your through your panties for a moment. You were still wet down there, and messy. Yunho couldn’t wait long before yanking your panties down and pushing two fingers into you. The wet slopping sounds seemed to please everyone, and Yunho quickly understood he didn’t have to prep much, you were eager and waiting.

    Yunho was quickly on you, not wanting to hear anyone else claim you first. He wasn’t subtle, but swift with his motions. Your body was barely recovering from the last guy between your legs, but you figured you could handle a few more. Yunho was careful not to put any unnecessary strain on your body, but still made sure you were enjoying yourself. He had a nice rhythm going and you were truly relaxed. His touch was gentle but pleasurable, acting more like a lover than anything else. You were surprised he kept his pace throughout, even as he pushed you to the edge. Somehow he held himself together long enough for you to calm down before he went in hard and achieved his own high.

“Fuck… you’re all gonna leave me bruised up tomorrow…”

“And unable to walk.” Mingi commented. “That’s a promise.”

“Then I expect to be carried.”

“I got you, princess.”

    With that Mingi shoved Yunho aside, taking you into his arms and pulling you up. He sat down and had you resting in his lap. He gently held your waist, leading you to grind down on him. He still had his briefs on, but he didn’t mind getting them stained with your juices and what Yunho had left in you. He pressed his head against yours, watching the blissed out smile on your face. You both could only last so long before your basic needs took over. You reached down to free Mingi’s cock, stroking it a bit and adjusting yourself to take him in. He helped you settle down on him, giving you a kiss as a reward.

“I’ll do all the work, so just enjoy yourself.”

“Hm…”

    You wrapped your arms around Mingi, resting your head on his shoulder. He reached around to grab your ass, making you yelp, but he just chuckled. You seemed comfortable so he began to move, being gentle at first, but he couldn’t hold himself back. You grabbed him tightly, moaning into his ear.  He was rough, or maybe it felt that way because you were so worn down already. Still he was good to you, holding you close and whispering such sweet words. You didn’t know when he was getting close, but he certainly pushed you to cloud nine.

    He laid back with you on top of him, still thrusting into you as you rode out your high with him, and soon enough he was adding to the mess between your legs. You shook more violently this time, but Mingi made sure you were alright. Once you settled he carefully laid you down on the bed, pressing soft kisses to your face. You let out low chuckles, smiling with a happy look on your face. Mingi stayed with you for a while, caressing your cheek. You might have fallen asleep if the bed didn’t suddenly dip and you got turned around to face Hongjoong. He had a big smile on his face, reaching over to pet your head.

“Having fun?”

“Very…”

“Can you accept another present?”

“Maybe… I want it either way…”

“Well isn’t someone greedy.”

“Birthday girl, remember?”

“I do.”

    Hongjoong leaned over to kiss your head, then your lips, then slowly trailed down your body. He took your hands in his and placed kisses on them too. He was gentle in how he moved your body about. His hands caressed your thighs as he pulled your legs apart. He could see how red and swollen your clit was, giving that a kiss as well and making you shiver. He slowly climbed on top of you, giving you more kisses. He whispered in your ear and let you know he was gonna fuck you, wanting you to hold yourself together for him. You promised to do so to the best of your ability. That was enough for him, whispering dirty things in your ear as he pushed himself into you, going inch by inch so you could feel everything.

    Your body welcomed him, already feeling the tickles of an orgasm. By now you were so worn down you were floating in a state of bliss, and there wasn’t any coming down. Not with the constant attention, and the fact you’ve had more orgasms this night than ever before. Hongjoong certainly started off slow before getting into a gentle rhythm, his focus solely on you. He watched your face, the expressions you made as he moved around and pleased you. He kept his eyes locked with yours, and you did your best to maintain it, but you were certainly falling apart. Every touch felt like a mini orgasm, and you couldn’t do much else but lie there and take it. Hongjoong was well aware of this, and he just wanted to make sure you finished right.

    You don’t know for sure if Hongjoong hit that sweet spot just right, or your body just broke down, but that final climax was something else. Your whole body trembled as the pleasure and pain mixed together across every inch of your being. Not to mention all the kisses Hongjoong added as he watched you become undone beneath him. You only knew when he climaxed cause you felt a warmth inside you, and could feel the overflow of cum just dripping out of you. The exhaustion was really hitting, and you could barely keep your eyes open. You tried to hold on to Hongjoong, but he just took your hands and kissed them, setting them down.

“We wore you out baby, you should get some rest.”

“My party though…”

“It’s far from over. Take a little nap and I’ll clean you up, okay?”

“Hm…”

“Good girl.”

    You definitely needed rest, and left yourself in their trusted arms. You closed your eyes and let yourself float in and out of consciousness. At some point you felt warm water along your skin, soft hands gently massaging your body, and being wrapped up in clean clothes. You felt a comfy bed beneath you, seeing some face blur past you at times, but you stayed in your own little world, drifting and resting. You didn’t know how much time had passed, but you eventually had the strength to properly get up. You thought maybe you’d be alone to rest, but as you opened your eyes you found a sleepy little Jongho at your side. You reached over to pet his head, getting a little hum out of him, and having him open his eyes.

“Hi…”

“Hey, are you feeling better?”

“I’m good… did you nap with me…”

“A little break from the party doesn’t hurt.”

“Hm… yeah…”

    You carefully sat up, getting help from Jongho in the process. You felt sore all over, but you were happy, it had been a fun night, and it was a very lovely present.

“I have something for you.” Jongho handed you a little box. “Another gift.”

“Oh, what’s this?”

    You opened the box and started laughing, it was some birth control pills, and Jongho brought over some water.

“You know I take birth control, right?”

“But just in case, you can’t be too safe.”

“You don’t wanna be a daddy?”

“Oh, you better watch that mouth, I might take you up on the offer.”

“Don’t worry. I’m not ready to be a mother either.”

    You took the pills and laid back down, taking in a breath and enjoying the comfortable bed. You wanted to go back down to the party, but you still didn’t have the strength for that. You asked Jongho to help you get on your feet, even if your legs were still shaky. You managed to stand, but before you could take any steps you heard a loud commotion from out in the hall. Jongho heard too, seeming concerned when the door suddenly swung open.

“YA!”

    Seeing and hearing Chan yelled startled you, and you collapsed back on the bed. You could see the anger on his face, making you fearful.

“I cannot believe you.”

“This is a party.” Hongjoong exclaimed. “You can’t be yelling at the birthday girl.”

“Shut up! I cannot believe any of you!”

    Chan came over and shoved Jongho away, grabbing your arm and yanking you to your feet. You yelled and weren’t able to stand, immediately falling to the ground. Chan looked at you in shock, kneeling down to take a closer look. He caught sight of some of the bruises on your neck, pulling up your shirt without asking and seeing all the other marks. He quickly got up and pinned Hongjoong against the wall.

“What the fuck did you do!”

Hongjoong chuckled. “It’s a party, and we were having fun. What do you want from me? It was all consensual, I swear.”

“Chan!” You yelled. “Let him go! I’m fine! I-”

“Not a word from you!

“…”

“It’s her birthday and you come in yelling at her like this? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“That’s funny, coming from you.”

    Chan let Hongjoong go and came back over to you, pulling you up to your feet. You could barely stand, let alone walk, but he pulled you along anyway. You bit your lip to keep from making any noises and just did your best to follow. You struggled on the stairs and hid your face when you got to the bottom floor, not wanting to be seen, but of course Chan drew attention. Some of the other Ateez members noticed and rushed over, but you shook your head at them. Chan got you into his car, putting your seat belt on you and slammed the door shut. You hid your face, not able to meet anyone in the eye and stayed silent on the drive. You kept your head low, but as you looked around you noticed the streets were different.

“This isn’t the-”

“You think I’m taking you back to your place so they can go get you?”

“No, I-”

“You are unbelievable.”

“Chan-”

“Quiet! I told you to break off from them and what do I find? You have no problem lying to my face now.”

“I-”

“I told you to be quiet.”

“…”

“You’ll be staying with me until further notice.”

    You wanted to explain yourself, to at least have your voice be heard, but given what Chan just did, and your current state, it was best to remain silent. So you did. When you got to Chan’s place he got you out of the car, holding your arm and pulling you along, a lot gentler this time. He plopped you down on the couch and came back with a med kit, wanting to take a better look at you. All you really had were bruises and some nail marks, nothing too serious, but he had to be sure. You were a bit nervous, but lifted up your shirt just enough so you didn’t expose your breasts. Like you said nothing serious, and he was satisfied after checking.

“Here. It’s your clothes, put them on.”

“Thanks…”

    Your body wasn’t so sore anymore, but you did struggle a bit to make it to the bathroom. You dressed into your clothes and returned to the living room. Chan was nowhere to be seen, but you knew where he’d be. You went over into his office, seeing him looking over some papers.

“Chan…”

“Don’t. I don’t wanna hear it.”

“But-”

“You went out with a bang, literally, so let’s leave it at that.”

“I-”

“Please.”

“Yeah… yeah that’s fine…”

    You made your way over to Chan’s side, looking down at the papers on the table. You reached over to look some over, coming across an image from a CCTV.

“What’s this?”

“A partial plate from the last robbery.”

“You got a plate?”

“Partial. I honestly thought the vehicles they used didn’t have any plates, but it seems like they just cover them up.”

“It seems fortune is on our- your side. It’s progress.”

“Yeah. Minho got a bit crazy and rammed into one of the vehicles. Guess that damaged the plate cover and we managed to catch a few digits.”

“You gonna run this through your database?”

“The car itself might not even be registered, could be a fake plate to begin with. We’ll still run it, although working with a partial plate is gonna make it difficult.” 

“Any bit of progress is better than none.”

“Exactly.”

“I’m gonna get some rest.”

“You do that.”

“Don’t stay up too late.”

“No promises.”

“Night.”

“Good night, and y/n?”

“Hm?”

“Happy birthday.”

“Thanks. I’ll see you in the morning.”

❤

    Chan kept to his word and didn’t let you leave his place. He drove you to and from school, always punctual. Even though he never said anything, you knew he was always looking around for others. You didn’t get any messages from anyone, not that you would respond, but it really made you wonder what everyone thought. Surely word got around about what happened that night. Your friends didn’t mention it either, just saying things went well. Of course Chan probably spoke with them beforehand, and you weren’t gonna pry. So you just focused on getting your life back to normal, no more secret double life stuff going on. If only it was that easy.

“How’s the body?”

    You jumped at the voice that suddenly appeared, distracting you from your notes. Your first class had been canceled so you were in the library when someone approached you. The voice was familiar, and you were a bit shy to look up, so they took a seat instead.

“You’re not hurt anywhere are you?”

“I’m fine, San.”

“You didn’t call.”

“Neither did you.”

“And have Chan scream in my ear, I didn’t wanna risk it.”

“Well he’s not monitoring my phone 24/7 so you would have been fine.”

“Then why didn’t you call?”

“San.”

“Hm?”

“What are you doing here?”

“Me? Nothing, just here to see you.”

“You’re not a student here, you should go.”

“Come on, I came all-”

“I’m a student, San.” You interrupted. “I’m not from a wealthy family, and I seriously need to focus on school if I want to get anywhere in life. It was fun getting to know you guys, but this is where we must part ways.”

“You don’t mean that. Was your birthday present-”

“Thanks for the party, and the gifts. It was a good farewell.”

“You still have all those presents back-”

“Leave. Before I call security.”

“You’d do that?”

“I wanna graduate, which means I have to pass this semester in order to get closer to my goal. Partying and racing isn’t gonna help me. Now please, go.”

“Alright… don’t be a stranger.”

“Yeah.”

    You didn’t know if that went well, but at least nothing got heated. You continued to focus on school, managing to get to finals week, and feeling confident in your skills. Test taking always sucked, but the exams actually felt easy, so you were certain you passed. After your last one, a midday one, you were going to text Chan when you ran into a familiar face.

“Congratulations.”

“Hongjoong… what are you doing here?”

“I’m here to see you of course. You’ve completed your last exam, and the semester is over, right?”

“Uh, yeah, but-”

“We should celebrate. You’re one step closer to graduation.”

“But-”

“San told us your birthday party was a farewell party, and I find that quite unfair.”

“Unfair?”

“We should have a proper going away party for you. I would have mentioned it sooner, but I understand you wanted to focus on your studies. Now that’s done, shall we?”

“Hongjoong-”

“Nothing big. Just dinner and us, I promise.”

“I can’t just-”

“I understand Chan has been keeping a watchful eye, but he’d understand you wanting to unwind today. Besides, I doubt he’ll ever know. So, may we have the honor of your company one last time?”

“Fine, but I can’t be out so late.”

“Of course.”

    Despite your better judgment you went with Hongjoong back to his place. The others were very happy to see you, and you couldn’t help the genuine smile on your face.

“First, your present.” Hongjoong said, handing you the car keys. “Here.”

“For me?”

“It should make it easier for you to get to and from school from now on. And it’ll be easier to go out and enjoy yourself.”

“I… I’m not sure I can accept this…”

“Please do.” Seonghwa stated. “We can’t possibly repay you for all the great memories we’ve made together.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Come on, let’s go inside.” Yeosang held his hand out to you. “One last dinner.”

    You took his hand and followed them all inside. The place had been cleaned up nicely since your party. It was weeks ago, but still, not a trace was left. It actually seemed a lot emptier than before. You were going to ask when Mingi suddenly took your other hand.

“We still have to set the table.” Mingi explained. “So how about we let the others do that.”

“Ya! Mingi!”

“Have fun!”

    Before anyone else could object Mingi pulled you away from the group and led you away. No one was gonna stop you two, so you ran off. Mingi took you around the house, asking how you’ve been and how your exams went. He was glad to hear you were done with the stress and felt confident in passing your classes.  You two wound up down in the garage, Mingi suggesting taking you out on one last ride. You looked at all the cars, blushing a bit when you saw the one where San and Wooyoung had given you your birthday present. Although your eyes then lingered to another car.

“Oh… isn’t that…”

    You walked over to the car that had caught your attention. You had been down in the garage multiple times before. Of course you didn’t know them all, but something about this car caught your eye.

“This looks like the car the Black Pirates drive.”

“Wa… what?”

“You know, those robberies that have taken place in the area as of late. I saw a picture of one of the cars they drive and it had a partial… plate…”

    Now that you were closer and rambling about the car you looked down at the license plate, realizing that it actually matched the partial plate that had been caught on camera.

“I didn’t know the car had been reported in the news.”

“It wasn’t… I, uh, I actually saw it online. You know things always get leaked there.”

“So you kept up with it then? Playing detective in your spare time.”

“Uh, well… yeah, kind of.”

“That’s cool.”

“Yeah… what a crazy coincidence.”

“Coincidence… right.”

“Actually we should go back upstairs. I’m sure the others are done setting up, and we can all take a ride together later.”

“That sounds like a good idea.”

    Mingi took your hand and the two of you went upstairs. You were trying not to act so nervous. You didn’t know what to do anymore, but you knew you needed to call Chan immediately. He could chew you out for all this later. Of course you could be wrong on your assumption that Ateez were the Black Pirates, but you had an uneasy feeling about everything. You needed to leave.

“Mingi.”

“Hm?”

“I just remembered that since today was my last test, me and my friends made plans to celebrate together. I can’t have dinner with you guys tonight, but maybe tomorrow.”

“But you’re already here, and your friends haven’t called.”

“I just got a text and they were asking where I was, so I should get going.”

“The others-”

“It’s not goodbye, so let’s not make it one.”

“Y/n-”

“I’ll call you guys, I promise.”

    You pulled your hand away from Mingi and calmly walked to the front door. You held yourself together not to make it look weird. At least you had a means of leaving, the present you had been given. You did fumble with the keys a bit but managed to open the door and start the car. You waved at Mingi and drove off, not really sure where you were going, but needing to get as far away as possible. It was already late, and for the most part the road was empty. You carefully reached over to grab your phone and call Chan, although it said he was unavailable. You tried multiple times, but got the same response every time.

“Come on, Chan, pick up.”

    While driving you suddenly heard the roar of an engine, looking in the rear view mirror to see two vehicles getting close. It didn’t take long to recognize the cars, and then the drivers and passengers.

“Fuck…”

    You were freaking out, knowing they’d catch up to you soon enough. You tried to call Chan again, but nothing. The cars come up on either side of you, on your left you see Jongho waving at you, asking you to stop. You didn’t feel safe, you couldn’t comply with this, so you just stepped on the gas. They seemed a bit annoyed, but continued to follow. You tried once to call Chan, but there was no answer, so you resorted to a voicemail.

“Chan, please answer your goddamn phone! When you get this, please call me back immediately. You were right, okay? Shit was dangerous and… I fucked up, but it was an accident! I didn’t… shit, they caught up to me…”

    You weren’t an experienced driver, especially when it came to speed, but you didn’t let your foot off the gas. You didn’t know how fast you were going, but just seeing the others getting closer put you on edge. You were only really focused on the road, not wanting to lose control, and then the two cars crashed against you, trying to sandwich you between them. You screamed, trying to get them off, but whatever they were doing, they were in control.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck… Chan, I’m sorry… I know you told me to stay out of it… it’s my fault alright… please just call me back so I can tell you everything… I don’t know long I can do this… the Black Pirates-”

    The others pulled back suddenly, but you still turned the wheel. The sudden movement, combined with the speed, you turned to the side and wound up flipping over. Everything happened in a blur, like the light of the world was turning on and off in slow motion. You don’t know how many times your car flipped, but at some point it stopped. Your ears were ringing, and the edges of your vision were black. The world was upside down, and you slowly looked around. You vaguely noticed the other two cars coming to a stop, seeing people rush out.

“Y/n!”

“Don’t touch the car!” Hongjoong ordered. “And someone call an ambulance.”

    With that said, Mingi ended up grabbing Wooyoung before he got close, holding him back. Yeosang dialed emergency services, and Yunho ended up grabbing San as well.

“Hyung!” Wooyung yelled. “We can’t just leave her!”

“You know why we followed her out here.”

“Hyung!”

“Seonghwa, Jongho, get the license plates.”

“HYUNG!”

    You could see some footsteps approaching, but you couldn’t make much out. There was a dull ache all over your body, although you felt more like you were floating. Still, among the chaos of everything, you didn’t want it to end this way.

“… help… save… me…”

    The two boys grabbed the license plates off the car and stepped away. No one was happy with this, but it was Hongjoong’s orders.

“… please… don’t leave… me…”

“We’re not seriously leaving her like this.” San said. “Are we?”

“The ambulance and police will be here soon, we have to go.”

“Hyung!”

“We don’t have time, let’s go.”

    You vaguely heard the sounds of sirens in the distance, followed by cars speeding off. It was hard to stay awake, but you held out, trying to wait for someone, anyone, to help. The sirens did get lower, and at some point you could see others approach. Your head was pounding and you could taste blood in your mouth, but you figured it was okay to close your eyes now. Even if you didn’t open them again, you could stay awake much longer. You heard voices, maybe speaking to you, but you just closed your eyes and sank into darkness.

❤

    You gasped awake, panicking as you felt the restraints on your body. You were freaking out and taking in your surroundings as all these memories flooded your mind. At one point you screamed, wishing you could grab your head, but your arms were restrained. You calmed yourself and took in some deep breaths, slowly looking up at the men surrounding you. They had been watching you calmly this whole time.

“So, do you remember now?” Hongjoong asked. “Do you remember us?”

“I… I remember…”

“That’s good. We-”

“You left me…”

“Huh?”

“You left me for dead… you tried to kill me!”

    You started screaming and thrashing in your restraints. This caught them off guard and San and Wooyoung quickly reached over to grab you and hold you still.

“Ya, ya, ya.” Seonghwa knelt down before you. “Easy now, you really think we left you for dead?”

“You did! You…” Tears stung your eyes. “You left me…”

“Oh baby, why did you run?”

“Huh?”

“Why did you run away that night? What reason did you have to run from us?”

“I…”

“Mingi said you were talking about the Black Pirates, and that you suspected us. Is that why you ran away?”

“Why… why did you chase me…”

“You didn’t seem to be in your right mind when you left, and to be driving, we were worried. We tried to get you to stop, but you wouldn’t. Then the unimaginable happened…”

“And you left…”

“You had one of our cars.” Yunho said. “We race with those, and they’re designed to survive a crash and flip. You were never gonna die.”

“Liar! How would I know that!”

“Cause you’re alive and well today, aren’t you?”

“Fuck you!”

“Easy now, easy.” Yeosang interrupted. “We just wanna talk. Now that everything is back in order we should clear things up, don’t you agree?”

“Let me go! You fuckers kidnapped me! You ran me off the road and tried to kill me and now this! You’re going-”

“Aish.” Hongjoong hissed. “Let’s just cut to it then.”

    Hongjoong stepped up before you and grabbed a handful of your hair, holding your head back. Some of the others didn’t like his actions but they said nothing, just watching.

“That night you came to our place, you went down to the garage with Mingi. One of our cars caught your eye. You recognized it as a car the Black Pirates used, even mentioning the partial plate. So now, my question is, how did you know that?”

“The news-”

“The news never reported on our crimes.” Hongjoong chuckled when your eyes went wide. “Yes baby girl, we’re the Black Pirates. The news reported the robberies, but never stated they were connected, never asked the public for help identifying a car or a partial plate, so how did you know about it? You a cop?”

“It was on the-”

“Y/n, sweetie, stop playing games.” Hongjoong let you go. “We know none of the car information was ever shared with the press, or leaked online. How so? We have an inside source. That means we know that the only people who had access to that information are somehow involved with the police. Now answer the question, are you a cop?”

“…”

“Perhaps you were an informant. That makes sense too. You stuck out like a sore thumb when you first came to the races, yet you were very social and befriended everyone.”

“That sounds like an informant.” Jongho added. “I remember you got so many phone numbers at your first party.”

“…”

“Why are you so silent now? You were yelling a few minutes ago.”

“Maybe we’re wrong.” San commented. “Maybe she’s an undercover cop. The authorities suspected street racers, and then she showed up.”

“Wait, wait, wait.” Mingi interrupted. “Isn’t she close friends with Stray Kids? They suddenly came on the scene and rose to our ranks. Looking back on it now, that seems suspicious, doesn’t it?”

“Chan and the others have nothing to do with this!” You snapped.

“With what? Are you admitting to working for the police?”

“…”

“Come on now, the silent treatment again?”

“Baby, we already know the truth.” Wooyoung commented. “Chan and his little stray kids are undercover cops. We knew there was someone like that in our midst but we weren’t sure until you confirmed it for us.”

“Wa… what?”

“Don’t you remember? That night you went out drinking with friends and Yunho took you home. He was gonna drop you off at your apartment but you had him take you somewhere else. We peeked in later when it was empty and imagine our surprise at what we found.”

“No… no I didn’t-”

“Sh, it’s okay.” Yunho assured. “You were intoxicated that night, and you didn’t mean any harm. Thanks for the information, although that just begs the question, what are you? A cop or informant? My money is on the latter.”

“…”

“You don’t have to be shy. We-”

“Don’t hurt him… any of them… please…”

“Now we’re getting somewhere.” Seonghwa chuckled. “Are you ready to be honest?”

“Just leave him alone…”

“Alright. So what are you then?”

“A volunteer…”

“Huh?”

“I’m not a cop… or informant… I just wanted to help…”

“Is that why you were so genuine with us? It was never a mask. Do you consider us your friends?”

“… I did…”

“Did? Past tense? You know we were genuine with you too, right?”

“What does that-”

“We’re not bad guys.” Yeosang added. “We’ve never hurt anyone. Just robbed some banks.”

“Why…”

“That’s hardly the point here. We may have met under special circumstances, but we’re friends. More than friends I’d say.”

“What?”

“You know…” Jongho began. “That night, we wanted to invite you to come with us.”

“Huh?”

“You were done with school and we were leaving this place. We wanted you to join us. To go on a new adventure together. Of course you ran off before we could propose the idea.”

“Me? Why… why would I go with you?”

“Don’t you remember your birthday party? I think that night speaks for itself.”

“I… that doesn’t…” You took a breath. “Do you think we have something? That beyond being friends there was more to this relationship?”

“Well, isn’t there?”

“No… you were my friends once, but I was reminded time and time again we come from different worlds. Anything between us was never gonna work out, so I had to let go first.”

“And look how that went.” Mingi commented. “You got scared and ran off, got yourself hospitalized too. Gosh, it was so annoying when Chan came busting down our doors with the police. It makes more sense now how he managed to do that.”

“What did you say?”

“Did he not tell you? Once you were stable he stormed our house looking for any evidence to insinuate that we ran you off the road. Of course he was trying to use the fact we were in the middle of moving to make his point, but that got him nowhere.”

“…”

“As you know, we were always planning to move.” Yunho added. “It’s why we wanted to ask you that night, but of course even if things didn’t go our way, we still had things set up. So the move continued, even if Chan was crawling all over our property and checking all our vehicles. He walked away empty handed.”

“Leave him out of this. I won’t tell him anything, so just let me go.”

“Let you go? We have all kinds of history-”

“That’s the past. You left me for dead on the road, and never came back. We’ve already parted ways.”

Wooyoung chuckled. “We never came back? Is that what you think? Oh baby, that’s far from the truth.”

“The hell are you talking about?”

“Aish. We were gonna get you from the hospital but Seonghwa got interrupted.”

“What?”

“We told you that we wanted to leave with you.” Seonghwa stated. “It was hard to find a moment when Chan wasn’t around to sneak in, and then you woke up to my surprise.”

“You… you were the one…”

“We were all so upset when Seonghwa reported your amnesia.” Hongjoong continued. “But you disappeared with Chan after you left the hospital so there was no way to check in on you. We had to wait till school started up again and hope to see you on campus. Thankfully we did, and the moments you interacted with some of us, it really showed you didn’t remember us at all. It was very upsetting, until we found out your memories were returning.”

“And so you kidnapped me?”

“We should be there for the important moment.”

“You drugged me and forced me-”

“Ya, that’s all in the past now. What matters is that you remember everything, and we’re together.”

“Let me go.”

“Not gonna happen.”

“Let. Me. Go. I want nothing to do with you, so I won’t say anything. Just let me go.”

“What part of no did you not understand?” San questioned. “We’ve been waiting for you for months. You don’t get to walk away like this.”

“We’re not friends anymore, and weren’t not anything else. So let me go.”

“Or what?” Yeosang asked. “What are you gonna do? Cause you’re still tied up in our garage baby. You gonna escape?”

“You-”

“We have no intention of letting you go. You’re staying with us either way. So get comfy.”

“Let me-”

“We only came back to this old town looking for you.” Hongjoong stated. “Now that we found you we can make preparations to leave and be on our way.”

“You can’t do this! Chan will realize I’m missing soon and-”

“What? He’ll come knocking on our door like he did when you got into your accident? We already told you he walked away empty handed, and that’s gonna happen again. No one is taking you away from us, not even you.”

“You’re all fucken psychos!”

“Yeah, yeah maybe we are.” Hongjoong grabbed your face. “But there’s just something about you that calls out to me. From the moment our eyes met, I just knew I had to have you. Being near you felt right, as if we had been together before, as if it was meant to be. Like some kind of deja vu.”

“You won’t get away with this!”

“I’m sure you felt it too. Heck, when my boys got close you admitted to feeling something familiar about them. Not to mention how we met again.”

“You-”

“I know you get deja vu.”

“…”

“So let’s stop pretending, okay?” Hongjoong let you go. “You guys know what to do with her. Make sure she’s comfortable until we leave.”

“Got it.”

“No! No, you can’t do this!”

“Just hold on for a while longer.” Seonghwa kissed your head. “We’ll begin again properly.”

“Let me go! You psychos! Let me go!”

    Some of them walked off, meanwhile San and Wooyoung held you down again. Yunho walked up to you with another needle and you tried to get him away, but you could only watch as something was injected into your arm.

“Don’t be scared, everything’s gonna be okay, you’ll see.”

“No! Please, please don’t do this.”

“Sh, just get some rest. We can talk more later.”

     You felt someone undoing your restraints, and once you were free you tried to jump Yunho, but you could feel your strength leaving you. Despite your efforts you couldn’t stay awake, and he easily scooped you up in his arms. His gentle voice was lulling you to sleep, and eventually you shut your eyes. Fading into the unknown with no idea what awaited you.

“There, there, sweet dreams love. Dream of us.”

[circulars-reasoning]

Hi, I hope this ask isn’t too invasive…

You’ve mentioned before that you’re an English teacher, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to speak a bit on how you became one (education? certifications?) and what it’s like for you teaching while living with DID.

The reason I ask is, I’m a senior in high school and I’ll be going to college in the fall. I’m really worried because I have so many alters who all want different things for my life. But in general, I’m drawn to teaching and many of my alters are okay with the idea of pursuing this as a career - especially if I can teach English, which has always been my best subject (I’m in the US).

I’m really scared about entering the adult world, and want to be as prepared as possible for this shift. Hearing from a system who followed the career path I’m considering would be really amazing!

If this ask bothers you or if you’re not comfortable answering it, I totally understand. Thank you for your time and consideration!

- Freya

Hey!!! Sorry I missed this ask -- I hardly use this blog and actually plan on deleting it soon. Just need to get around to reblogging the important posts.

But this is an important one, and I really want to respond here, in the hopes that you'll see it.

I'm an English teacher for 6th grade in the US, and I can say that, without a doubt, college was harder than being a teacher is currently. Do not let your experiences in college stop you from your goal. The professors will not be kind to you, especially if you don't know what's happening to you.

I'm going to pop this under a cut because boy howdy I am rambling.

In terms of college and working to become a teacher with DID:

Firstly, and most importantly: Scheduling. You will need to be completely on top of scheduling out your few years of college. You don't need to be perfect, mind you, but please be aware of what classes are required and when you will take them. My college fucked me over on this. The reason it's so vital is because most education programs in the US are 5 year programs -- 4 years of college, and a 5th year of one semester of a "practicum" (an unpaid internship at a school). During your practicum, you're not supposed to take any extra classes. I was taking 3 classes on top of my practicum to stay under 5 years. Don't do this. Either bite the bullet and do that extra 5th year of schooling, or plan accordingly so you don't get stuck the same way I did.

Now that that's out of the way:

DID definitely impacted my ability to study for things. It really helped having someone else holding me accountable; my partner, my roommate for 3 of my 4 years of college, really helped me out and basically did the education degree alongside me in spirit. If you can, find someone else to help you study.

That someone else should not be a fellow education major. This is because almost all of them will drop out by the time you graduate. That's a sorry truth, unfortunately. In my Junior Literature class of 6 students in my junior year, only 3 moved on with their degree; in my senior year, I was the only one who moved on. This is because college is fucking grueling, and everyone dropped out, thinking teaching would be harder (I'll get to that).

Don't try to overcome your disorder in college. Don't try to heal or recover while going through classes. Try to survive. You do not need to focus on recovery immediately, and it is a BAD idea to pile that much on your shoulders while in college and while teaching. Try to maintain and survive as best as you can. Recovery is a process and it will work on its own as you go through.

You can absolutely bullshit your way through an English degree, easy. It's not hard. Especially if you start writing about fanfiction in Lit 101 -- or at least, in my experience, that got me far. If you know you'd good at English, I would highly recommend it, esp if you're good at School English.

For your other classes, you'll likely have to do gen ed credits. Be creative and have fun. To fulfill my math credits, I took programming and "mathematical excursions" (you do fun shit with math and learn to pay for a house -- it was incredible). To fulfill science credits, I took Astronomy as a night class and got to look through a telescope during a night class for an A. It was awesome. (Well, ok, that class sucked, but you get the point).

DON'T OVERSTACK YOUR CREDITS. I wouldn't go above 18 credits per semester. I usually did around 16, and the minimum we could do was 12. Don't go minimum, but do not overstack. Again, scheduling, don't overschedule yourself.

You'll take a form of practicum each year more than likely. This will be where you go to a school and teach for a bit, and then you'll go do homework about what you taught. In your first year or two, you won't be doing almost any of the teaching; you'll shadow a mentor teacher who will show you how to do the thing. This is honestly so beneficial, but...

TAKE NOTES. For fucks sake, the memory part of DID fucking destroyed me in college, and notes would improve everything. Take double notes, honestly -- physical notes while in the school, and digital notes once you get home.

GET ENOUGH SLEEP. DID leads to insomnia so frequently. Start trying to keep good sleeping habits now, because it WILL get worse as college goes on. Do NOT do what I did and try to survive on 3 hours of sleep a night. It is not sustainable and you will catch every single disease these kids transfer onto people, I swear to god.

The Dean of Students will actually help. A lot. Please go to them if you're struggling. If you can't go, then send someone you trust to advocate for you. In my senior year when everything was going to shit with my mentor teacher (she was a horrible woman) and the admin at school were shitty to me (again, a horrible woman in charge), my partner went to the Dean and advocated for me. That mentor teacher was forced to retire from the school the next year, and my admin had to extend my semester by 3 days to give me a better practicum with someone who could actually do their fucking job. Do not feel scared to advocate.

Please. Please, if you remember nothing, remember this: do not listen to your coworkers in your final practicum. Don't listen to what they say about you becoming a teacher. These people are jaded assholes who, in my experience, want nothing more than to bomb the school. I wish I was kidding, but genuinely, so many of them are horrifically jaded and don't want to be there, ESPECIALLY when your practicum starts (which almost always coincides with state testing schedules). Teaching is awesome, genuinely, so long as you enjoy it.

And lastly for the college aspect: It gets easier. It really does. College was absolute hell for me up through senior year. This was because not only was I doing full coursework (ouch), but I was also starting to really understand and process bits of my trauma (yikes) and I was still with my abusers (yikes). This makes it so, so much harder, in so many ways. And I still did it. And now, here I am to live and tell the tale, and now that I am a teacher?

This shit is so much more forgiving. I have slipped up so fucking much, but as long as you do your best and mean well, your bosses will fucking adore you. They desperately need warm bodies in the room to help make sure the kids don't set fire to each other, and you are certainly going to fit the job description if you give a single shit.

Be open about some of your issues, but not all. I'm very open at work that I suffer from a disorder that leads to amnesia, but I'm careful about how I do this. "I actually have an issue that leads to a lot of forgetfulness, so if it's possible that you could send me a reminder of that meeting, I'd appreciate it." That's all I needed, and now we have a group calendar and my coworker has forgiven me numerous times for missing something.

Your mistakes as a system are completely seen as just. Normal Ass Human Mistakes. Forgot a meeting? Happens to everyone. Broke down crying in front of the kids? Shit fam, the teacher across the hallway walked out last week, you're doing remarkably just because you stayed.

The kids can fuck you up. Genuinely. They WILL trigger you. You WILL get memories of your childhood and it WILL hurt. And you will get through them with patience, time, and understanding. It'll be okay. Please, work hard on reminding yourself that these kids are not actively malicious. They do not understand your perspective.

To that note, almost every single teacher I know has a therapist. It is not a shocker to be in therapy. Most teachers need it. If you don't have one, I highly recommend getting one, if just to bitch about your coworkers with someone who will nod and say, "You deserved better than that, you're right."

Most of teaching is paperwork and meetings. Like genuinely, it's kind of ridiculous. We have meetings every Monday and Thursday, with occasional meetings on Tuesday and Wednesday. It's a LOT of meetings, and everything needs documented.

Work life balance. Please have one. This is when you start working on not bringing work home.

MULTIPLE CHOICE QUIZZES ARE OKAY. GENUINELY. I was so firmly against them as a student in college -- "that doesn't test genuine knowledge!" Neither does school. Please save yourself the hours of grading and do a few multiple choice quizzes. In some counties the system you use will autograde them.

God I could talk about this for hours on end. I'm really genuinely happy to answer so many questions about this. If you want to know anything specific, feel free to ask. I'm also over on @circular-bircular and plan to use that as my main system blog, so you can ask me more questions there if you want.

You've got this. I am absolutely rooting for you.