#i havent seen anyone else have this problem though

[ganondoodle]

this isnt a call out for anyone; i keep getting asked why i even post my opinions on the internet if i dont want to argue whenever i mention how tired i am of people trying to argue with me or proof me wrong

and i just ... for one its bc there are people that have told me they like hearing my opinions bc it makes them feel less alone, its validating to hear that i am not alone and i make them feel less alone (this is a big reason)

then theres the thing .. do you feel good never saying your opinion on anything and just keeping everything to yourself? be it big or small, i tried to do that for years, just trying to crawl deeper and deeper into a hole bc clearly i am the problem and should be able to deal with everything on my own, never say anything, i could be annoying, i could be a burden, and it nearly killed me; i have very few friends and i already spam them enough to feel constantly guilty

and if i did that on some private account ... what use is that, thats the same thing as not saying anything, whats the use of saying anything when no one listens, even to select few, whats the point if others cant find it, there might be people i dont know at all that would find solace in hearing my stupid ramblings about games

its true i lack self control and just tend to talk about stuff when i feel the need of talking, but is that really so bad?

correct me if im wrong but i was never of the impression that posting something on the internet automatically means wanting to debate and argue unless you specifically say or initiate it on someone elses post? like thats why i pretty much always make my own post to complain and dont go on other peoples posts of opposing views, id view the latter as an invitation to argue moreso than the former

when i post some stupid opinion (im talking about harmless personal video game opinions mind you) on my own account who am i bothering, if people agree thats great! if they dont they can just move on- i know people love to discuss and share different opinions but the the ones i most often encounter are ones where its a basically trying to start a fight over whos more right (like theres always one correct opinion to have) or just telling me i am not allowed to feel like i feel-

im aware i cant expect everyone to be able to see a differeing opinion and move on without saying anything, but when i say something, unless its specifically a question, i just do it to vent, to let my thoughts out so they dont slowly gnaw at me, maybe find validation in others also thinking like that (i know i cant also expect everyone to think that way .. i just see it as a form of politeness? sorta?); in all honesty, i dont do it to get told opposing opinions (i know thats maybe a little ... idk, selfish i guess?) bc i usually have seen or heard those already and am saying mine bc i havent seen it before or very very little- what i think is often very much not the majority so the need to say something gets greater the more i see somethign i dont agree with, like an urge to balance it? a call to see if i am alone or not? and much less so to argue or debate over something like that, im tired and exhausted at all times, and have often trouble even getting myself to draw, i dont enjoy fights of any kind, and especialyl so when its about something so completely ignorable like a game opinion i only said bc i wanted it out of my head and bc i have seen that the majority seems to be of a different one

like a sticky note on a wall, not an invitation to a political meeting?

maybe this is something i need to work on and get better at, i havent found a way that lets me get rid of my thoughts in a way that doesnt leave me feeling guilty (like spamming my friends) or to gnaw at me (not saying anything, or somewhere no ones gonna hear it)

i know im incapable of shutting up ever (though at least i got a better control over my emotions by now) and i risk accidentally seeming like im inviting people to a fight but i dont know what else to do

maybe its something i horribly missunderstood about the internet, but its my only outlet for that, i dont have anyone IRL to talk to about my interests, maybe its a flaw that needs work, maybe its just a flaw, i dont know :/

[darushi-chan]

HOTD Modern AU where everyones dragons are some kind of reptile or amphibian.  Sooo, I finally gathered the courage to add my own stuff to the HOTD fandom, lol. I love reptiles, specifically Komodo dragons, I’ve made like 3 different college projects with them and it was impossible for me to not see Vhagar as one, I’ve seen other really good takes with old grandma V being a snapping turtle, an alligator and so on, and then I decided to imagine my own modern AU were all the Targaryan dragons in HOTD are some kind of reptile pet! -Because Targ shenanigans they do have a special bond with their reptile friend (Thats the only way you get a croc and a Komodo to dont eat you, lol). -The dragon keepers are a special reptile breeder company, the Targs are like one of their most important clients . -To add more lore and stuff I like the idea of them living in a made up european country called Valyria, like Genovia from the princess diaries, or at least just a modern westeros and Valyria being their something something big company where they work. -If they live in Valyria they do have the monarchy problems, but without the murder plis, Aegon ll its like fuck you all and runs away to Italy or France and starts a wine company called “The usurper” xD.  -Because I like Jacegon, Jace goes along with him so he doesn’t die from bad decisions and because I think he’ll be more reliable with the new company stuff hahahahaha, Aegon just tests the wine ok 😂?  -Lucerys its also like, the crown? No thanks, and goes to college to study literature, also in the some college as Aemond, who’s in a History major, they’re roommates 👀. -Joffrey its even less interested in the crown and decides to help his grampa Corlys with Driftmark. -I’m mexican, I dont know how Dukedoms and all that fancy european stuff works, Driftmark can be one of those or something, I’ll do some research after the reptile drawings ok xD? -That way the crown can go to little Aegon the younger without anybody dying yay. -Rhaenyra its not that ok with this, but she loves her kids, and hopes little Egg doesn’t run away too.... Im just starting with my favorite incest deranged couple, Lucemond 😚. I think its obvious this is not completed at all 😅, but I was really exited about it and wanted to talk about it after being working on it all day 😄.

More stuff about the not dragons! -They can’t live the hundreds of years of the dragons, so lets make them live as long as their owner lives, an average 80-90 years, for this HC sake hahahaha, specially because turtles, komodos and crocs are able to live long lives too! So lets make all the other special Targ reptiles/amphibians live longer too 😝. -This makes Grandma V, Vhagar ll, because Vhagar l was Visenya’s, when Laena dies in some kind of accident Aemond claims Vhagar ll so she doesn’t die, specially because she wasn’t that old then, wiki says Laena dies at 27, I havent thought that much about what happens in the Driftmart incident, but something happens 👀! -Then the Viserys l Balerion it’s Balerion ll too! Vissy T gets to keep his croc and makes him an awesome enclosure, lol. Alicent never goes there 😂, but Viserys likes to see when the servants feed him or to just chat with his friend, he has this really nice enclosure like in the zoos where you can go like underground and see them swim.

-Helaena’s kids can have little geckos or something cute like that, I need to think about it 🤔.

-Im not very sure about Caraxes being a red Tegu, they’re awesome, but I don’t know if I should make him be something else, any thoughs anyone 🤔? If you have any other ideas that are different from the ones I have so far let me know 😉!! The only ones that Im very sure about are Vhagar and Arrax, I’m really in love with the idea, and I also like them all being something different, except for Silverwing and Vermithor uwu.

[sassykinzonline]

what’s your opinion on people who say sns is platonic? like i’ll see well done essays about sns and how they changed each other for the better and their love. then… theyll say its platonic.

is it just blissful ignorance or? 😭

oh wow this is a really good question, thank you.

um hm, i never really want to totally shit on anyone's interpretation of anything so long as its accurate to the information thats presented so im not really against any interpretation thats well-defended. i havent read the kind of opinion youre talking about so i cant really say anything more specific than that.

what i will say though is that i think sometimes some snsers get caught up in "fighting homophobia" that they kind of miss the essence of naruto and i's specific relationship: that we are every type of attraction and every kind of love. its obvious in the manga's arts, the different parallels, the words we use to describe each other, the progression of our relationship, the intimacy we share with each other, i could go on and on.

so, do i think our relationship is presented in a way thats exclusively platonic? nope and the only way you could come to that conclusion is either a) homophobia or b) genuinely not being able to grasp the storytelling elements in the manga (ie. you dont necessarily need to be able to understand or feel romantic/sexual attraction to see that the manga shows you it exists between us explicitly). the anime is a bit...worse but i still feel like most people have seen the anime ONLY and still feel discomfort because they cant figure out if we're gay or not, and ive never heard of another shonen anime with a problem that big.

however, the platonic element is a huge and important part of our relationship. there was no one among our "friends" that could truly understand, sympathize, or care for us. but at the same time, that wasnt enough. there's the familial element too, in the sense that we wanted the safety that we knew a family should make you feel. we knew the "family" we had (iruka and itachi) were broken. there's a professional side to it too, where our profession is so intimately tied to our sense of self that thats how we communicate our feelings to each other. there's a romantic element yes, the feeling of completion and feeling that someone is "for you". there's even a sexual/aesthetic element, where just the appearance of someone overwhelms your senses and consumes your body. i would also look at the relationships you have with other people and ask if they dont include different kinds of love/attraction despite mainly being one thing.

ultimately though, i think that the way the narrative is presented (and the way i feel), the point is meant to be that we have all those different types of love except because of our context (familial, political, social, whatever) its difficult to realize the romance that we both desperately wanted from the other. the manga presents the double suicide proposal as romantic, and thats the climax of the story. so the relationship should be looked at as a romantic one. at the same time though, if people feel like "well just because the manga says its a romantic relationship doesnt mean this is inherently romantic, theyre exclusive queer platonic soulmates that kiss and bone" or something then i think thats fine too. so long as they understand that naruto and i will always come before anyone else to each other, and that whatever we feel for the other is not only mutual but mutually desired and all encompassing.

[risetherivermoon]

thoughts on rosechaser?

ohh my god, yes

i love them, though i havent given them much thought as i have with other james & evan ships, theyre still adorable,

heres kinda the way i see them? idk how to explain it so this is kinda in a monologue type format:

Evan isn’t entirely used to people being that gentle and nice with him. He’s not used to kindness in general. He’s the Rosier heir for merlins sake, why would he? He’s seen as intimidating, since being a part of a fairly renowned pureblood family makes him. He doesn’t particularly try to change how people see him either.

Not because hes overly confident or that it’s correct, but because Evan is too tired to try with any of it. He doesn’t want to interact with anyone else anyway, he’s fine with being somewhat of a sidekick to either Regulus or Barty’s antics. He knows that he’s never seen as “Evan” but as “The Rosier’s Son” or “Crouch and Black’s Friend.” He’s aware that given how loud and big Barty is, and how well known and smart Regulus is that he won’t ever get the spotlight for himself, and honestly he doesn’t care about that all much. He’s fine with not being his own person. He holds no resentment for his friends because of this, he’s happy to step aside and watch them instead of getting involved. He isn’t used to getting help or kindness offered to him, he isn’t used to getting love without repercussions.

James isn’t used to being seen as more than a perpetual force of positivity. He’s not used to people noticing when he’s down, because he uses his postivity as a shield. If he ignores the feelings they’ll go away.

Because James wants to help all of his friends with their problems, he needs to help them and support them. Sometimes this means disregarding his own wellbeing and James is fine with that, he’s fine not getting any of this attention reciprocated. Because he doesn’t have it as bad as the others, who have their issues and their anxieties. Remus with being a werewolf, Sirius with his family, Peter with his worries…everyone else. They all have problems that James can help with and he gladly will. He will gladly be an anchor for everyone he knows. Maybe it feels tolling sometimes, and maybe he wishes everyone would see that he’s being effected, maybe even his parents…but James knows that it’s because he doesn’t let them see it, and then he remembers why he does it and the thoughts stop.

Maybe these are the reasons why Evan Rosier was so surprised by James Potter offering to help him find a book in the library, and why James started to wave to him him in the halls. Maybe all of this is why James was so shocked by Evan checking up on him, by him noticing the things that James is scared of. James finally feels like he can lay himself out to someone and they’ll accept him, and Evan finally feels like he’s his own person, like he’s noticeable and worthy of being noticied. Maybe this is why everything started to work out for them, because they had eachother.

honestly this is making me want to write more of them… but this is what ive got! i hope that was understandable. ive recently been really intrigued by Evans character, ive been writing a moonrose fic thats evan centric (and pretty angsty) so its been helping me understand him a bit more, if that makes sense??

anyways, thank you for the ask :D I love the two of them, and their ship is really cute

[feelingbloo]

doing this all at once because im fasting and need a distraction... this shit be getting personal lmao

day 1: your stats

currently 82.2lbs as of writing

day 2: how tall are you, do you like your height?

im 4'10, no not really! definitely doesnt help my bmi out at all, lmao. id prefer to be around 5'4.

day 3: a picture of your thinspiration. what features do you like about this person?

most thinspo kinda rolls off my back and doesnt affect me, so i dont really look at it. blessing and a curse.

day 4: your greatest fear about weight loss

i only have one fear, and its my partner. she (not so subtly) compares herself to me and uses me as thinspo, and i know losing weight will only make this problem worse.

day 5: why do you really want to lose weight? are you doing it for you?

im not sure if theres a real reason anymore. everything i can think of is something that occurred after the disordered eating started, so i dont know what truly drives me. id say im doing it for myself because theres nobody else i would do it for.

day 6: do you binge? if so, explain why you think you do

of course, definitely. most times its due to an emotion, i think ive always used food as a comfort in that way.

day 7: do your parents know you are trying to lose weight? do they care?

they dont, i never told them and they havent found out. i assume my mom would care, my father sorta shuts himself off so i dont know if hed be mad about it or what.

day 8: your workout routine

im physically disabled from an unknown myopathy (my body doesnt produce enough muscle) so everything is a workout to me lmao. i generally walk around for 4-ish hours a day, since i cant quite manage anything else.

day 9: did anyone ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

no, only my eating habits. i was often told that i ate so much i mustve had a tapeworm, and most of what i eat is "junk food" due to sensory issues.

day 10: what was the hardest thing you gave up during this weight loss?

dude, i fucking miss the liquid calories! in past restriction phases i refused to count liquid cals, and i definitely still lost weight, but not as fast as i would have liked. ive started counting them and ughhhhh.

i didnt cut them out completely, so i still have creamer in my coffee and the occasional soda, but i want my milkshake goddamnit 😭

day 11: your favorite thinspo blog and why

same answer as day 3.

day 12: what do you normally eat?

for main meals i usually have tuna on toast, egg salad sandwiches, cream cheese bagels, ham sandwiches/ham bagels, grilled cheeses, basically just carb + animal product. if we order out its either a cheeseburger or fried rice.

for sides/snacks/small meals i like string cheese, pickles, mini candies, lollipops, pepperoni, if theres any sweets in the house i have some of that.

its a wonder that i even lose weight on this lmao. but OMAD and counting cals is what makes it possible.

day 13: are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?

i dont think ive ever seen someone answer this with the former option. we're all doing this unhealthily on this side of tumblr.

day 14: whats your UGW? when do you expect to reach it?

ooh, tough one. it seems like everyone has a set UGW but i dont. i feel most compelled towards the number 73lbs, which is the bmi of my LW (15.3). i dont think that bmi is low enough for me though, i'll figure out when i get there.

ive gotten close to that weight a couple times, but ultimately something always happens and i emotionally binge or whatever. no clue about timing.

day 15: are you vegan or vegetarian? if so, has this helped you lose weight? if not, would you consider turning vegan or vegetarian?

ive had lengths of time where ive been pescetarian (vegetarian + fish), it never helped me lose weight.

at this time in my life im not able to limit my diet to that degree, but i heavily support the lifestyle for ethical and environmental reasons. if i move out id likely try veganism.

day 16: when did you first decide to lose weight?

i began obsessively weighing myself at 7, and started to learn purging around 9/10. it wasnt ever something i was serious about, but at 12 i discovered the online ana community andddd... it really just brought out that part of me. so id say 12 is where it officially began, but ive had it in me since 7.

day 17: do you have an eating disorder?

never officially diagnosed but i dont think most people here are. yes, anorexia nervosa.

day 18: what food is your weakness?

i dont restrict what type of food i eat, as long as its under my limit. but my real weakness is food other people give me... i cant resist it regardless of the calories and it makes me feel so dumb. they dont even have to be in the room! it could just be takeout, they dont even have to be the one to cook it!

day 19: when is the last time you ate fast food?

i cant even remember, i almost never eat it since i dont like it. the grease and the oils coat my mouth and throat and it feels so disgusting.

taco bell cinnamon twists are bomb though.

day 20: favorite diet?

the special k diet is funny (literally just eat special k) but i always lose a lot of weight when i do cereal-based diets like that.

day 21: what are your clothing sizes?

ehhhh,,, i dont wear fitting clothes and everything is baggy, do usually womens small or sometimes xs.

my measurements are quite small (26bust, 23waist, 28hip IIRC?) so im below a 00 in most charts ive seen. unfortunately thats just my general size due to my height, im not as thin as people imagine from that by any means.

day 22: what was your lowest weight? when and how did you gain?

73lbs at 12, my height didnt change since then lmao. i experienced some trauma right after getting to that weight, which led to me binging myself back up to 90lbs.

day 23: did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?

i think it was more personal experiences rather than the media, however the media likely did contribute once i had already established my disordered eating.

day 24: how do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia

it depends on the context. in the original meaning, it just meant a space where you could discuss your disorder without actively working towards recovery. i support that heavily.

nowadays, where it usually means people promoting ana/mia as some pretty dainty "lifestyle", fucking ew. what is wrong with you people. i understand wanting to romanticize your disorder (and find others who do the same), but i draw the line at genuinely thinking that disordered eating makes you "better" than others, or whatever bullshit they try to say.

day 25: have you ever purged? if so, describe your first experience.

i have purged in the past, but due to my disability (day 8) i typically cant vomit anymore no matter what i try. the muscle just isnt strong enough anymore to contract that violently.

first experience was harrowing lmao, i had had a bowl of instant ramen and was hallucinating as i was purging it. everything else was so distracting, i dont really remember anything about the actual purging itself.

day 26: what excites you most about reaching your UGW?

the first time i got to my LW, i just remember feeling so giddy and proud and i want that again and again.

day 27: how do you deal with being around food?

if i eat it, im not longer around it... i just have zero self control.

day 28: do you want that gap between your legs? why?

i guess so. its something a lot of people are envious of, and i knew i was happy when i had it in the past.

day 29: your definition of beauty.

this is going to sound "wrong" from an anorexic person, but chubby people. i dont have a fetish for it, i have slept with average people without problem, but i dont think i could date someone who wasnt at least bmi 23... ive found that bmi 25-27 is the sweet spot though.

i just think theres something so attractive about it regardless of gender. like hell yeah thick arms and round stomachs and back rolls. fuck yeah.

day 30: 10 facts about you! and now, what are your stats?

oh god what is this, an interrogation? not saying stats since im doing this in one go.

i draw (hobbyist, nowhere near professional)

i collect animal bones and general knick knacks

garfield and miku are my favorite characters

i tap on everything

i wanted to be a veterinarian as a kid

favorite animals are polar bears and hammerheads

my grandmother wanted me to be named tapestry (what??)

i have dyscalculia

i enjoy making cookies

i can barely whistle

[chronically-enthusiastic]

Hello there, thanks for stumbling across my blog!

(Here's a lil comic I made for a school assignment)

I'm going to start putting my social energy levels in my bio... There's a lot of stuff I want to respond to but i currently dont have the energy to do so, and so if I don't respond within like a day, check my bio and see that... I always feel bad about being on tumblr when theres things people have sent me but responding to those things is a different level of interaction than reblogging a post... so yeah... Sorry to the people i havent responded to yet! I will soon <333 (writing this on low energy, sorry for the incoherence)

Who am I / Where else can you find me?

First of all, feel free to call me Eli!! I'm on the waiting list for an autism diagnosis. I am agender and aroace-spec.

I am a very big fan of the oxford comma and double brackets. Semicolons are pretty cool too. And ellipses are incredible.

I am verrryyy enthusiastic about the things I am interested in (hence the URL hehehe). And currently, those are: podcasts (theres a list at the bottom of the post), good omens, ofmd, bbc merlin, star trek!!!!, lotr, and probably more things that I am too tired to think of right now!

I use the queue! Im not awake at the ungodly hours i sometimes am seen posting at, I just dont want to utterly flood peoples dashes! I do reblog fandom stuff and things ive added anything to immediately, so if you see a few posts in short succession, im online!

i love all of my mutuals dearly!! Making cookies and hot chocolate for you all <33

Boundaries:

I try to use tone tags as much as possible!

Things I am okay with sharing/doing:

My age, gender/sexuality, things about my guinea pigs!!, and most other things

Things I am not okay with sharing/doing:

The city I live in, pictures of me/anyone I know, my full name, my birthdate, my phone number/email address, meeting up with people irl, sending/receiving money/gifts, dms (<- though if we're mutuals and interacted a lot dms are fine!!)

^ this applies to everyone im not in the discord with

I will let someone know if they cross boundaries, and *really* would like other people to let me know if I cross theirs!!

DNI: people who are here to spread hate and anger. Just, stay away. I dont engage in discourse. I know DNIs dont deterr these people, but this is a demonstration of my core values :)

Tags:

(At the top cause otherwise it will get lost) ALSO #tw body horror

I block quite a few tags but most notably #tw war and other ones to do with the war in israel/palestine. This is not because I don't care. I care so so so much about what is happening and I cry every time I see a post about it. It breaks my heart that such horrible things are happening. However, I really struggle with high empathy, and seeing a post about it can really affect me for a while, and I need tumblr to be a safe space away from the real world problems. If I follow you - please could you tag things to do with war. Thank you <3

Updated to clarify - I do block the generic tags such as Israel and Gaza, which most of the posts are tagged with by the op, so if you forget its no big deal!!

A list of all the podcasts I listen to because y'know, its fun:

Fiction:

The Amelia Project

Wooden Overcoats

The Adventure Zone

Sherlock & Co

Alba Salix

Unseen

And a whole lot more that i no longer listen to either because they havent updated or they are a little too creepy (Welcome to Night Vale falls into the latter category)

Science:

The Sci Guys

Lets Learn Everything

Lingthusiasm

A podcast of unnecessary detail.

Comedy/other:

Dear Hank and John

The Unmade Podcast

Books Unbound

Lateral

A book list of recommendations from mutuals for my own use:

abigail by Magda Szasbo (@mack-anthology-mp3)

The Alphabet of Candice Phee (@jamie-dinow)

A list of music reccomendations from mutuals:

in the lap of the gods revisited by queen, why can't i be you by the cure, pyramid song, and lucky & the tourist by radiohead, when the sun hits by slowdive, dancing barefoot by patti smith, tangerine by led zeppelin, autumn sweater by yo la tengo, rubber ring by the smiths, water by pj harvey (from @/mack-anthology-mp3)

imi hendrix’s all along the watchtower (from @/catholickedd)

[angel-eyes05]

a little check-in

so guess who just watched across the spiderverse......

i dont wanna talk about it theres so many thoughts going through my head rn but it was amazing (as expected but i think i like into the spiderverse a little more but thats just cause i have a soft spot for it but i gotta wait for recency bias to wear off and see how it is on rewatches)

but

one thing you can expect is MANY more miguel fics on the way cause he's on my mind 24/7 now ik its a problem (expect spider-person!reader ones cause i wanna project a little lmao)

also i might do some hobie/spiderpunk ones too cause i love him so much (we'll see though)

ok im about to get into MAJOR spoiler territory now so keep scrolling if you havent seen the movie yet. have a great day!!!!

ok now here's some spoilery stuff

as for evil miles stuff, im not 100% sure im gonna write fics rn cause

i dont wanna post spoilers like that so early into the movie's release

and i dont know how to do his characterization rn cause there was so little of him in the movie

so ill see what i do

if you have any miguel, hobie, or anyone else requests just send them to me and ill try to take care of them

ok byeeeeeee

[lunargrapejuice]

hey luna!! this may be a long shot but do you know of or where a diluc fanart is? its of diluc, who looks more like a dilf with a happy trail and a bit of a beard with chest hair, standing with no shirt with a mug in his hand and sultry looking off the picture to the viewer and asks along the lines of "having trouble standing princess?" its no problem if you havent lol its been driving me crazy tumblr has been eating my likes. at this point im just asking around to see if anyone else has seen it (like its a missing persons case LMAO)

hi babes!! im sorry it took me a minute to get to this ask, i was looking everywhere i had art saved but for the life of me could not find this piece. i'll keep my eye out for it though and if i find it i'll come back and rb this with the link🥰

or would perhaps one of my lovely followers know this art?❤️

i do have other art kinda similiar to this to offer you though hehe

x

x

x

x

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

[paalove]

period on its way so i need to be bitchy rn or i'll die. so as to not end up getting upset At anyone here's what i think about the army costuming in episodes 26-28 of (sadly short 40 episode long) cdrama chang feng du also known as destined.

this will make sense if you havent seen it but there are spoilers. and also it's bitchy commentary. read if you want this is for me tho

the costumes themselves are of course very well-made. the armies are nice and easy to distinguish from one another. there's four of them!

is our protagonists' army of a rapidly-diminishing 10,000, already guarding wangdu. the commanders of this one are our boy gu jiusi, and also ye shi'an and shen ming. shen ming is the only one of these three who is wearing the armour of wangdu, actually - the other two are dressed... differently. shen ming and the rest of the army are in a nice and cool black metal on black cloth combo - i always love when the heroes are in all black, it makes me happy!

is the defenders of wangdu, the 20,000 troops in zhou ye's hands. they were taken away from the coming battle to join the main forces of the youzhou army attempting to [sighs at plot changes due to censorship] Save The Emperor. anyway. these are one set of reinforcements and they are nice and cool in silver metal on dark blue cloth. so far so good - nice and easy to tell apart the two armies, what could be the problem? oh it's not with these guys, actually zhou ye has never done anything wrong in his life.

is the unexpected army of bingzhou, led by qin wanzhi who is the best. she's so cool. while the guys are busy having a solemn and history-laden reunion she's busy getting to the gates of the city and killing every guy currently breaking through them. i love her. but anyway their army is in silver metal over cloth of a nice deep red, making them the next-coolest after wangdu's black on black.

enemy time! the rebel prince, king liang is in charge of a cool 100,000 and they are all kitted up. these guys are very striking when theyre arrayed against a tiny hopeless city and they are wearing gold metal armour over bright red cloth. ah, you think you see the problem, right - two armies in red! nah that shit's fine, the metal provides the contrast, the two reds aren't super similar, and bingzhou normally act as a smaller force doing specific, clearly identifiable actions, such as the gate thing. nah, similarity between armies isn't the problem, what is?

the fucking commanders of wangdu.

SO. big battlefield shots are fun, but they make it hard to figure out where our special little characters are. are they in the part that just exploded, or are they fine? enquiring minds etc.

costumers solution: give those bitches different armour.

this is normal, this is fine, this has some historical basis - the guys on the field need to know where their commanders are. now, most of our commanders are wearing the same colours as their soldiers and are visibly distinguished in different ways. shen ming has different weapons, zhou ye has slightly different metalwork (and also is always in focus or on a horse) and qin wanzhi is both helmetless and often-shouting, with an easily distinguished voice.

gu jiusi and ye shi'an, however...

well. well.

(firstly, context - ye shi'an is the pure scholarly type who our leading lady, liu yuru, grew up wanting to marry. then he went through trauma and now he's a pure scholarly type with a gun bow and arrow. gu jiusi is our leading man and the one yuru actually married. arguably twice.)

ye shi'an, being a pure scholarly type, is naturally in armour of Pure White. white metal white cloth and white bow and arrow. whatever, baby, you can wear what you like. not sure where he got it, but good for him. he can be mistaken for absolutely nobody else. he can also be targeted so so easily, but. that's allowed. if he wants to do that he can.

gu jiusi, though.

hey, man, what the fuck are you wearing, bro.

oh, gold armour on red cloth? bright red cloth? the same shade as the rebel army's red fucking cloth?

WHY.

WHY BRO.

he is so hard to tell apart from them in big battlefield scenes!! most of episode twenty seven is big battlefield scenes. AT LEAST CHANGE TO THE FUCKING BLACK CLOTH DUMBASS.

...

....

........

phew.

okay to be clear i know why - one of the other fights is nighttime storming of the walls - he and ye shi'an are the only guys in bright colours on the walls for most of that, it's very striking, and even when the enemy soldiers do get up there the camera focus is close enough to the action that there's no confusion. it makes sense for him to be in exclusive bright colours.

also he and his wife do a romantic little vow renewal right before the main action (it's romantic bc theyre talking about how doomed-to-death they are) and she's in a red not-technically-a-wedding-dress-bc-this-is-the-not!song-dynasty dress and gold jewellery. they have to match.

so my real question is why is the rebel army in those colours. who decided this.

[wizardnaturalist]

Maybe it's the aroace in me but those posts mocking relationships in media that are "too complex for words, indefinable, they care more about each other than anyone else in the world but they never kiss 🥺" really get on my nerves.

Like yeah. The lines between different types of profound relationships can be blurred, and people can have a "best friend" who is their Most Important Person rather than a romantic/sexual parter or family.

"Oh they spend their lives together but they never fuck" ok and. So what. I literally don't get what the problem is here.

And like, you can note that these types of relationships do often occur more with same gender pairings than different gender pairings, but 1. There are plenty of different gender pairings that fall into this category, and 2. I thought we all already agreed that queer people were more likely to have nonnormative relationship styles? Just by nature of having to question those sociological structures and how we fit in to them

AND obviously this lack of confirmation is frequently used, especially in older media, to imply queerness when a network or a producer wouldn't allow it to be depicted outright (xena, for example), but that doesn't mean that's the case for every instance, or even most of them, especially in more modern media (consider shows like elementary, or og xfiles)

I've also seen people talking about how this trope is just used as an excuse for misogynistic male writers and characters, and while I havent personally seen any examples of that, it seems like a completely separate issue to me. Like there's a clear and distinct difference to me between "I refuse to call you my girlfriend even though I want constant access to you so I can retain the right to sleep around" vs "I dont know what exactly I feel, just that you are The Most Important to me" you know?

It feels to me like one of those cases of "just because you dont feel represented doesnt mean it's not representation". Not every thing can be for every person. And of course it can be frustrating to think you're going to get a romantic pairing and then never have it explicitly confirmed, but just because it isn't what you wanted doesnt make it bad.

Basically what I'm trying to say is: I know yall like to meme on amatonormativity as a concept, but thats precisely what this is

TLDR

People: the undefined life partner trope is just an excuse for queerphobia and misogyny

Aspecs:

[placeinthisworld]

hello!! only two days left til i reveal myself! any guesses who i am? (lol we're not mutuals so i doubt you would) and only two days til christmas which feels insane to me it came so fast!! did you figure out the last of your gifts for everyone? did your coworkers enjoy the fudge? i think maybe the best thing about the holidays is all the different treats people bring into work. before i left for my parent's place there were so many different types of cookies in our breakroom it was great

i don't collect cassettes right now (tho i may start) but a while ago a friend gave me a bunch of blank ones so i wanted a way to record onto them. and yess i lovee mix cds!!

i havent seen any of those tv shows or movies lmaoo (except tangled) but i've heard lots about them and they def sound interesting! i just read the synopsis for funny girl and it looks cool i might have to watch it sometime! i just finished watching community and really enjoyed it, i also really like gilmore girls, heartstopper, and young royals. as for movies, i really like musicals and usually say my favorite movie is high school musical 2 lol

i hope you're doing well!! 💕💕

Hiiii ahhhh I can’t believe this month is over already it went by so fast!!! LOL NO NO GUESSES 😭😂 I can’t wait to find out though!! I did figure out gifts for everyone! Now my problem is that I overbought and need to return stuff to target on Monday 😂 what about you!!? Is there anything you’re specifically looking forward to getting possibly tomorrow!? And yes they did enjoy the fudge!! That def is the best part of this time of the year, snacks at work i such a bonus!!!

Ahhhh that’s so cool!!! I wouldn’t even know how to record on a cassette but it sounds interesting!!mixed cds are such a nostalgic thing like you can never go wrong with making and/ or gifting a mixed cd it hits so different

Lmaooo yeah I didn’t expect anyone else to really know those 😂😂 TANGLED IS UNIVERSALLY LOVED THOUGH! Ooooh I’ve seen so much about community I really should watch it I feel like I would probably like it. And omggg I used to looooove Gilmore girls but I haven’t seen it in years, something I def should go rewatch again. I love musicals as well! HSM2 is sooooo good you’re so valid for that, I can still probably sing every song from HSM 1 & 2 with no hesitation 😂 have you seen the show reboot with Olivia rodrigo!? I haven’t but I kinda always wanted to lol

[princegay-oof]

Can't remember if I'd already asked this but to anyone else who takes allergy meds, have you experienced getting heart palpitations if you miss a dose?

[tourettesbabe]

hi ! hope youre well :)

so, im 20, and i started developing tics when i was 18 (i fit all the diagnostic criteria for tourette's, except that my tics developed once i was 18 instead of before). i spoke to my psychiatrist about it but he didn't suggest anything along the lines of a diagnosis, just said it might be my medication (we tried changing that and it wasnt it), and then kind of left it at "tics are strange, let's see what happens"

ive been kind of nervous of asking him for an actual diagnosis because it seems like he doesn't know a huge amount about tics, and i don't really feel like i need an official diagnosis (unless it's necessary for accommodations but i havent even started looking into those yet).

basically, i wanted to ask if you think it's okay for me to say i have tourette's? i do genuinely think i have tourette's, i've seen studies talking about how the DSM-5 might be outdated and adult-onset tourette's is a thing, but also it's just easier to say i have tourette's to people than try and explain that i have tics but i don't know exactly what it is and i don't have a diagnosis.

also slightly unrelated, but i haven't told a lot of people because my tics are often not noticeable (especially if i suppress them), and i feel really anxious telling anyone who's known me for a while bc im worried they'll think im faking since they havent seen me tic before.. if you have any advice on that its much appreciated

sorry this was so long- completely understandable if you don't have energy or can't respond! <3

Hey Nonnie! First of all, I'm honored that you'd message me for advice. Thank you for being so sweet as well -- I am doing well, thank you. Now, I'm definitely not an expert, but I can give you my two cents!

While it is true that the official DSM-5 diagnosis for Tourette's requires the person to have been ticcing since before the age of 18, you're also right in saying there is some discourse about whether or not that is completely accurate. Adult-onset tic disorders are a thing, and they can happen for a variety of reasons. IMO, if you fit all the other criteria like you said, it's probably Tourette's. It's also the most well-known tic disorder, so many people will understand what it means (though they may also have some inaccurate ideas about swearing and the like.)

I will say that there are many kinds of tic disorders, and many reasons why tics could be happening. If you're sure you have Tourette's, then I'd say it's fine to say that. But if you're not, I'd just stick with telling people you have a tic disorder. If they ask questions about the diagnosis, just tell them it's currently unspecified. What's most important is that you have tics, not the label.

You know yourself better than anyone else, including your doctor, your family, your friends, etc. So, although an official diagnosis can be useful, don't feel bad about labeling it for yourself. Even if it turns out to be something else, if the label is serving a purpose for you now, or if it helps others to understand you, then I don't see a problem with it.

Getting a diagnosis can be intimidating, but if it's important to you then you need to be confident! Like I said, you know yourself better than anyone else. You need to advocate for yourself and be persistent. If your psychiatrist doesn't know much about tics, ask him if he can find out some more information to help you out, or even present him with your own findings! But, again, if you don't need accommodations and it's not affecting you too much, you may not need an official diagnosis. It's your life, and your tics.

If you do go on the diagnosis route and he isn't giving you the answers/help you need, never be afraid to seek out a second opinion! There are specialists who are trained specifically to diagnose tic disorders, which may be more helpful to you. That's how I got diagnosed when I was young.

As for telling people, in my personal experience I've found it usually goes pretty well. My tics aren't very noticeable either, so when I do tell a friend they usually say they never would have known, but nobody has ever accused me of lying or anything like that. In fact, most of the time they are interested in learning more and want to ask me questions about my tics and experiences, which I am always excited to do.

I don't know your family, so I'll try to cover my bases here... If you have the kind of parent or sibling who might try to say that they know you too well to not have noticed, try and remind them that the tics are subtle and that you may have been suppressing them. Tics can be very easy to miss when someone isn't looking for them, even when they seem obvious to you. Also tell them that it's a very recent thing (and if they question the possibility/legitimacy of that, definitely pull out the receipts lol -- articles, webpages, anything you need to). It could also go just the same as I said with friends. If anyone is particularly uptight about it, don't tolerate it. You are not faking, and anyone who thinks you are needs to get educated.

Also know that you don't NEED to tell people if you don't want to. Even your closest friend or family member is not entitled to your personal medical information if you are not comfortable with sharing it. And, if it's subtle enough that they haven't noticed yet, then they may not notice unless you bring it up. It's up to you who to tell and who not to tell.

Now, I don't know if this has been your mindset in any way, but I definitely would not recommend suppressing tics in order to avoid questions from those close to you. Your comfort is more important than theirs here!!! Ticcing is a natural thing and it is happening for a reason, listen to your body and let it do what it needs to do. I honestly would recommend never suppressing at all, but I understand that it can feel embarrassing or like everyone is looking at you, especially in public. However, in my experience, people don't really notice (even after they know about the tics if they are subtle). I want to remind you though that there is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about in ticcing.

I hope this helped you, if you have any more questions or need clarification on anything feel free to send another anon or DM my way. I've linked some extra resources below that might help. Good luck on your journey, I know you can do it!!! :)

Resources:

CDC's Page on Tourette's

CDC's Page on Diagnosing Tic Disorders

Tourette Association: What Is Tourette

Tourette Association: Diagnosis

NCBI's Article on Adult-onset Tic Disorders

[outrunningthedark]

I think it matters that we havent seen if Taylor changed because s2 she wanted to use that footage but wasnt allowed due to lawyers, so would she pick buck or the story. If theres a similar situation. But also buck is tends to see best in people thought she wanted a story and not be there for him. 911 can set up reltionships but they dditn try with them instead she rejected him then changed her mind in emotional situation where neither were thinking clearly.

Though we aren't excited about BT's relationship, I do think there have been tiny hints that they rushed into this thing too soon and will eventually realize they work better as friends. (I don't think they're endgame, but it's not like the writers are trying to convince me otherwise.) - The fact that TayKay had no problem calling Buck "needy" and made him question whether he knew how to be a good friend has me curious whether that type of reaction is going to happen again. Might she say something hurtful in the midst of a disagreement? Are we going to get an idea of what she really thinks when the 'honeymoon phase' wears off? - This is just me thinking thoughts, but the writers made a *choice* to have Buck include Eddie in the treasure hunt when it was supposed to be just he and his friend who is a girl, thus providing evidence that as BT get closer, Eddie will remain a priority, and Buck will "choose him" if it comes to that. I also think it's worth noting that T told Buck he needed to split his winnings with Eddie if they were able to locate the treasure. Yes, that scene was framed in a way that separated Eddie from the budding couple, but her statement actually established that Buck and Eddie are still a team no matter who they're dating. And the fact that T separated HERSELF from them re: her money is hers, but Buck needs to share his with his best friend since he's so important shows that she kinda already knows it's BuckandEddie above all else. - Something about the conversation between BT at Buck’s apartment in 4x12 has stuck with me. She says “I’m a trained journalist. Or at least, I was, before I got caught up in this dumb treasure hunt.” Is there a chance T will realize she’s been so “caught up” in her relationship that she lost sight of what matters the most to her (her career)? It is my opinion that Buck will be doing the breaking up, but only if he recognizes they’re on two different paths. T’s actions and words will help him come to that conclusion.  - Of course, the moment everyone keeps coming back to, Buck’s remark in 4x14 (Uh, no--no comment, Taylor.”) when his gut instinct tells him she’s at the hospital looking for a soundbite. They were supposed to be friends by this point, right? What kind of friendship do they have beyond solving mysteries (Sue’s accident, the treasure hunt) if Buck automatically assumes she’s there for her own gain?  - It’s also significant that Buck was previously seeking physical intimacy from her, and was embarrassed/disappointed after being rejected, but when Eddie’s life is on the line, Buck doesn’t think of anything, or anyone, else. Yeah, she’s at his apartment in the aftermath of Buck getting chewed out at work for the crane rescue, but he’s in the process of packing clothes for his stay at the Diaz house to take care of Christopher. Buck doesn’t initiate the kiss, and though he started to protest her leaving, the second he realizes A*a is calling, the second he realizes Eddie has woken up, he wants nothing more than to be with his best friend.  It’s always been Eddie. It will always be Eddie. 

[gatesofember]

can you expand on the canon and fanon ableism in solangelo? I sort of picked up on the infantilisation of nico (hes dealing with ptsd and i guess chronic fatigue, hes not a baby) but i always thought that was handled better in canon than in fanon? But then i havent read ToN i admit

Sure! I don’t know that I’m the best person to ask this because while I am disabled, I’m still unlearning a lot of ableism myself. But I’ll try my best to explain! Maybe some people could recommend some good posts about this if they know any?

Infantilizing—like you mentioned, this is one of the biggest problems with ableism in the fandom. There isn’t much of this in canon, but in fanon Nico’s often characterized as helpless and he’s not taken seriously. Will often plays the role of caretaker rather than boyfriend to an infantilized Nico, which creates an inherent and unhealthy power imbalance.

Will being portrayed as a savior—a common and dangerous trope in romance is that one character is saved by the love of another. It’s especially damaging when the character being saved has mental health problems or physical disabilities. I think most people realize nowadays that this isn’t okay, but you’ll still occasionally see things that portray Will as a savior. Nico entering a relationship because he’s healing and accepting himself is great! But Nico being saved by a relationship? Bad.

Victim blaming—honestly most characters who interact with Nico in canon engage in some level of victim blaming, but by far the worst one was Will (aside from like. Hades and Minos.) In BoO, Will went on an entire rant telling Nico that he was responsible for his own problems and that he manufactured his own abandonment by pushing people away, when really, Nico was the victim of bullying, rejection, abuse, and serious mental health problems—and he already blamed himself for all that so Will’s rant only would have made him feel more invalidated. Later books definitely pulled back on the victim blaming, but it was such a prevalent part of the foundation of their relationship that it’s been ingrained in the ship. It shows a severe and dangerous misunderstanding of mental health on the part of both Riordan and the fandom.

Will being Nico’s healthcare provider—What makes Will being portrayed as a savior even worse is the fact that Will is a healer. Doctors shouldn’t date their patients. Much like the caretaker issue I mentioned above, it creates a power imbalance which is usually satisfied because the doctor is paid for doing their job, but things get messy when any kind of personal relationship is involved. Will should not be in charge of Nico’s medical care. Of course he can act as Nico’s healer in emergencies, but Nico’s primary medical care provider should be someone else. If Will acts as Nico’s medical care provider out of necessity (eg, because he’s the only healer at camp halfblood), then they need to set up clear boundaries and rules. Will being Nico’s doctor should never be spun as a good thing.

Will abusing his authority as a medical care provider—most notably the “doctor’s orders” and “doctor’s note” scenes. Will was extremely overbearing in BoO, from forbidding Nico from using his powers to ordering him to stay in the infirmary, and that kind of pushiness isn’t okay. He was abusing his power, doubting Nico’s judgement and capabilities, and denying Nico’s right to make his own decisions (again, infantilizing). Disabled people’s agency is often denied and autonomy is so important. Nico should have been allowed to make the choice to stay in the infirmary on his own (or not to stay, or to follow through with his plan to leave chb; he should have had the freedom to make those choices, too), and frankly, it would have been a much more powerful ending to Nico’s pov if he had. He should have chosen to go to the infirmary because he decided he wanted to get better, not because he wanted to be around Will (see previous point about Will being portrayed as a savior) (although it would have been fine if Nico thought of Will as an added bonus). I said in the previous post that Will writing a doctor’s note to allow Nico to sit at the Apollo table doesn’t bother me, but that’s because I imagine that situation being like, Nico was denied accommodations so Will and Nico hatched a plan together to use what little leverage they have to get adults to listen to Nico’s needs and take him seriously, but both of them fully understood that Will should not act as Nico’s doctor again unless there were serious medical reasons. Other people interpret that scene as Will abusing his power as the head medic to sit next to his boyfriend. And I’m not saying that my interpretation of that scene is necessarily the correct one, just that I don’t interpret it as Will being ableist.

Nico faking his disability to get things—I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone bring this point up, but it’s something that really bothers me. The ableism regarding the “doctor’s note” for me isn’t the scene itself, but when the fandom portrays Will and Nico constantly using the doctor’s note excuse to get what they want, often having Nico fake some sort of symptom. Besides the abuse of power I mentioned before, promoting the idea that disabled people fake disabilities to get certain privileges is not okay. This is the sort of thinking that leads to stereotyping disabled people as lazy and it’s so prevalent that it makes a lot of disabled people wonder if they’re really disabled or if they’re making it all up (which ties in with the victim blaming point again).

Sometimes I agree that canon Solanagelo is less ableist than fanon, but sometimes fans do a better job than Riordan. It really just depends. I definitely think that both Riordan and the fandom have gotten better though! Will’s character and his relationship with Nico was very different in ToN than it was in previous books (different for the better but also to the point of inconsistency, but that’s a different critique). There were a lot of things in ToN that made it clear that Riordan was listening to the responses of disabled people. Some fans seem to be listening, too. There’s still rampant ableism in the fandom, but people are getting better at responding to criticism and realizing that a lot of tropes that used to be popular just aren’t ok.

Thank you for your ask! I’m glad you reached out to learn more. Again, if anyone knows good posts to read or blogs to visit for further information, please reply with them!