#what’s it like getting to not have low self worth and not feel ashamed or hopeless a lot

[finalfantasy7]

I guess this chronic depression thing is kinda forever huh

[zeldasnotes]

CHIRON IN THE HOUSES ⚷

What your placement makes me think of

CHIRON IN THE 1ST HOUSE: Afraid of being seen as weak, people commenting on your appearance, hiding behind makeup, forcing a tough phacade, extreme competetiveness, surrounding yourself with tough people, comfortable in a small pond so that you can be the big fish, projecting your selfhate onto others, picking other peoples appearance apart, picking your own appearance apart, acting arrogant as a coping mechanism, analyzing, forcing confidence, body dysmorphia, being seen as a target, afraid to go places alone, having a unique feature people comment on.

CHIRON IN THE 2ND HOUSE: Poor kid in a rich kids school, growing up poor, growing up in a family with no money or the opposite growing up in a rich family where money is everything, childhood messed up your moral compass, low self worth, body image issues, not feeling at home in your own body, being used for money, born in the wrong body, growing up in a single parent household, possessive, afraid of loss, experiencing a lot of loss, greediness or completely rejecting the material, not taking care of yourself properly, afraid of change, afraid of never finding stability.

CHIRON IN THE 3RD HOUSE: Bullying during early school years, being compared to a sibling, having a lisp, stuttering, difficulty with expressing yourself, passive aggressive, asthma, communication issues, feeling unwelcomed in your neighbourhood, issues with cousins, speech therapy, having a twin, having a sibling you are expected to ”live up to”, feeling afraid to talk, strong need to be seen as intelligent, outsmarting people, feeling insecure about your social skills.

CHIRON IN THE 4TH HOUSE: Being the black sheep, suppressed childhood memories, feeling rejected by a family member, being the family scape goat, walking on eggshells at home, extremely intuitive, afraid of people being angry or irritated with you, a mother with bpd, a narcissistic mother, generational trauma, trying to heal your mother, a family of broken women, emotionally unavailable parents, constantly hearing parents fighting, having to pick sides between family members, feeling stuck at home, issues renting or buying a home, having to constantly move.

CHIRON IN THE 5TH HOUSE: Experiencing mom/dad shaming, shamed for having kids later in life, shamed for having kids too young, shamed for not wanting kids, teen dad/mom, strong need to be creative or rejecting your creativity, custody battle, having to co-parent with someone you dislike, baby trapped, growing up too fast, ashamed of having fun, afraid of expressing yourself, inability to just let got and have fun, insecure about your style or art, not getting along with your own child, using your pain as entertainment or art, feeling a need to constantly perform.

CHIRON IN THE 6TH HOUSE: Hard time with routines, door dash addict, inability to take care of yourself, obsession with routines, overworking or inability to find work,a job that drains you, a need to constantly be of service, constantly getting sick, your needs being ignored growing up, working with healing others, being overly criticized by a parent, workoutschedules, bad experiences with pets, dieting, hypochondriac, never feeling clean enough, growing up in dirty surroundings, among hoarders.

CHIRON IN THE 7TH HOUSE: Feeling like there is a wall between you and others, fear of rejection, early experiences with rejection, rejected by your first love, no social life, afraid of never finding ”the one”, early experiences with betrayal, people pleasing, ”you havent met anyone yet?”, getting into your first relationship later in life, attracted to wounded people, trying to save bad people, scared of being left for someone else, trying to be perfect, obeying to be liked, connections with others ending badly.

CHIRON IN THE 8TH HOUSE: Afraid of opening up, experiencing constant loss, afraid of loss of power, growing up around someone who asserted power over them, a wound surrounding sex and intimacy, being left out when it comes to inheritance, afraid of not being in control, people trying to control you, freaked out at the thought of ”doing it”, a bad or traumatizing first time, ”doing it” as a selfharm method to take back control after trauma, having to take money in the form of donations, external help, scholarships bc of your family being low income, ashamed of having to take money from others.

CHIRON IN THE 9TH HOUSE: No faith, painful memories from school, the only kid with your cultural background in the whole school, feeling no hope, being forced to convert to another religion, afraid of traveling, never been out of the country you were born in, changing schools, afraid to go to school, bullying in school, not feeling accepted by your inlaws, not feeling free, feeling stuck where you grew up, feeling like you have no roots, being mixed race and not feeling at home with any side.

CHIRON IN THE 10TH HOUSE: Being a part of a family with a bad reputation and therefore being born with a bad rep, being forced into a career, not getting the recognition you deserve for your work, scandals becoming public knowledge, people still talking about that thing you did years ago, being known for something painful, an absent father, not being able to live up to who your father wants you to be, seeking validation from the public, afraid of public humiliation, being slandered.

CHIRON IN THE 11TH HOUSE: Struggling to fit in, prefering to hang out one on one instead of a group, being left out or blamed by a group, toxic friendships, wanting to save the world, misunderstood, deep understanding of the unspoken undercurrentsin group settings, uncomfortable in a group setting, bullying on social media, being exposed online, lack of hope, feeling that nobody gets you, not belonging to any group, strong need to contribute to society, powerstruggles with a stepparent, evil stepmom or evil stepkid kinda energy.

CHIRON IN THE 12TH HOUSE: Absorbing other peoples energy, living in solitude, sleep disorders, the people you least expected turning out to be an enemy, feeling a need to please the collective unconscious, hypersensive to your surroundings, feelings loneliness no matter how many people are around, feeling like you belong in the underworld, repressed memories, zoning out, constantly sensing emotional undercurrents, pushing things under the rugs, medication, bad experiences with addicts, psychic attacks.

CHIRON ASPECTING INNER PLANETS:

SUN/CHIRON: A fragile ego, inflated ego, absent father, putting on a false persona, defensive, acting arrogant when you feel insecure, a dad who left, deep understanding of why people do what they do, not knowing how to express yourself, identity issues, having a healing energy, trying to help everyone.

MOON/CHIRON: Extreme sensitivity, hiding your sensitivity, trying to find parental love in a partner, being shamed for your sensitivity, betrayal from women in the family, emotional scars, seeing through anyone, a bitchy mother, surrounded by bitches, having triggers you cant explain, rejecting and suppressing your emotions, nurturing issues, ”with women comes pain”.

MERCURY/CHIRON: Healing or wounding people with your words, verbally undressing people so that they feel as naked as you, penetrating people to the core, therapist, harsh criticism, wordplay, saying the thing everyone thinks but doesnt say, constantly putting your foot in your mouth, peoples words cut you like knives, you cut back.

VENUS/CHIRON: Extreme fear of rejection, connecting women with pain, female rivalry, low self esteem, attracted to wounded people, plastic surgery, wanting to look perfect, people pleasing to be loved, feeling unworthy of love, ”the bar is in hell” being treated like shit and accepting it bc you love them, feeling ugly no matter how much people tell you youre beautiful, betrayal by women, brutal rejection from a love interest that affected your self esteem deeply.

MARS/CHIRON: Suppressing anger, turning the anger inward or overcompensating by being overly aggressive, surrounded by aggressive men, surrounded by toxic masculinity, feeling uncomfortable around men, afraid of anger, extreme anger from men, feeling like you are not ”man enough”, the dark side of being a man, shamed for your sexuality, rejecting your mascuiline side or acting overly masculine.

© 2023 Zeldas Notes All Rights Reserved

[pimosworld]

Pairing -Joel Miller x F!reader

Summary-Joel wants to be the first

CW-18+,MDNI,NSFW, oral (f) receiving, established relationship, no outbreak Joel late 40’s, reader is unspecified legal age, reader is not described, inexperienced but not a virgin, soft dom joel, shy reader, joel is obsessed with you, pet names galore, joel is the king of patience and eating pussy

WC-1.4k

A/N- The Joel brain rot has taken over. This was inspired by one of my fav spicy songs I’ll tag the link at the end.

[Joel Masterlist][Main Masterlist]

Not beta read

Kisses down low

His initial reaction when you’d told him was very much a Joel reaction. It startled you at first how angry he seemed, not at you of course. 

  “Whadya’ mean no one’s ever done that before?” 

  You just shrugged it off a little ashamed for whatever reason. He noticed your obvious discomfort and you shrinking in on yourself and he certainly couldn’t have that. He calmed down a bit  and asked you to explain. Your first real boyfriend didn’t think it was worth his time and another partner made you feel self conscious about it so you just stopped asking. 

  Joel had to take a few deep breaths through his nose and cursed the idiots who passed up the opportunity to appreciate you the way he knew you deserved. You never passed up the chance to show him how much you loved and cared for him. It was hard in the beginning for him to understand someone could love him so unconditionally, even with all his flaws and shortcomings. In the short time you’d known each other you brought out this side of him he thought had been long dormant. He had more patience, a lust for life that he thought was lost when Sarah moved away for college. 

  He’d reassured you that he was willing to wait as long as you needed him to until you felt ready. 

  You could tell he was doing his very best to be patient. Every time you were intimate with each other he’d give you his best puppy dog eyes as he rested his head on your stomach, waiting and hoping maybe this time would be a yes. Even through the no’s he could tell you we’re entertaining the idea. Letting it roll around in your head that Joel would never make you feel ashamed or embarrassed. 

  “I promise I’ll make ya feel good sugar.” He rasps against your ear as he lays all his weight on top of you. He stopped trying to fight you when you’d told him how it grounded you after sex to have his broad body pressing you into the mattress. 

  “I know it’s just…I can’t get out of my head.” You gasp as he rolls you over on top of him. 

  “That’s exactly what I’m tryin’ to do…get you out of that pretty little head of yours and let me take care of you.” His voice is desperate as his hands rub up and down your back. It wasn’t often you got Joel in the position to beg so you decided next time you would trust him to do what he said. 

  ****

  “Just relax baby girl.” His deep husky voice is muffled as he lays kisses to your thighs. He’s been slowly undressing you, making sure you were thoroughly distracted. 

  Your breath stutters a little as his strong hands knead at your breast. His fingers tease your nipple and the whine that leaves your mouth already has him desperate to have you making more of those sounds. 

  “Joel…what’s it feel like?” You ask, feeling a little nervous again. 

  He rests his head on your thigh while he continues rubbing soothing circles along your side and your arms. In all his years he’s never practiced this much restraint with anyone. He’s never wanted anything so bad in his life and he’ll be damned if you aren’t one hundred percent comfortable with what he’s about to do to you. 

  “Why don’t ya think about it like a kiss.” You nod your understanding as he hooks his finger with one hand and taps your hips to have you lift them. He slowly pulls your panties down your legs and grinds his hips into the mattress at the sight of you. 

  Joel’s got you so worked up you can feel the slick dripping out of you onto the mattress below. You’ve never felt so protected and yet so vulnerable. So exposed and also powerful at the same time. 

  “Jesus…you’re prettier than a peach.” 

  You chuckle a little at his words and the fact that you don’t think he meant to say it out loud. 

  His broad shoulders settle between your thighs as his thumbs spread you open. You can feel his warm breath fan across your lips and just that sensation has your head dropping back against the pillow. He doesn’t mean to laugh but he had no idea how sensitive you’d be…he’s barely touched you and you’re shaking like a leaf. 

  Joel’s rock hard in his jeans, not having bothered to strip down. When you said you were ready he only had one thing on his mind and it damn sure wasn’t gettin’ comfortable. All he’s been able to think about the last few weeks is how he’ll be the first one to claim you, to taste you and make you come apart on his tongue. In his mind he already owns you and your willingness to submit to him has him daydreaming more than he’d care to admit. 

  “You ready sweetheart?” His voice is almost unrecognizable as he stares at his prize already soaking wet for him. 

  You nod feverishly as his mouth descends on you. You suck in a breath as his tongue wastes no time working you open. His strong hands grip your thighs as he licks and sucks at your clit. You’re so keyed up it feels like you’re embarrassingly close to your first orgasm as you clamp your hand over your mouth to quiet your moans. 

  One of his hands reaches up to you as he clasps his fingers in yours. “Nuh uh baby girl, I’ve been waitin’ ages for this. I want to hear all those little noises you make.”

  He dives back in, his big nose rubs at your clit while his tongue dips into your hole. A high pitched whine leaves your mouth as you instinctively reach down with your other hand to tug at his curls. He’s growling into your pussy, so drunk off you and the way you taste. “Fuck Joel…please.” You whimper into the air as you buck your hips, seconds from cresting over. 

  Joel’s never been so turned on by the sounds you’re making. He can tell you’re close and the swell of pride in his chest that you’ve fully let go for him is something he can’t describe. He almost feels bad for what he’s about to put you through because there’s no way he’s going back to the way things were before. Your poor little pussy is gonna be so abused by the time he’s had his fill of you. 

  “Come on baby.” His eyes meet yours as you fight to keep your head up. He knows you can do it, he can feel the way your thighs clench around his head. He wants to see if you can without his fingers, wants to watch you fall apart on his tongue as he wrings every last drop of rational thought from your brain. 

  His tongue circles your clit in swift motions as you let out an inaudible whine. Your head drops back between your shoulders as your heels dig into his back. You can barely get out his full name as your climax rocks into you, your vision is sparkly behind your eyes as you hear him whispering sweet words far off in the distance. 

  It takes you both a moment to catch your breath as he places kisses along your thighs just resting his head there. Not even wanting to bother with the damp spot on the mattress where he came with you. He doesn’t even care or feel embarrassed when he can’t remember the last time he felt this good. 

  “Joel…” Your voice is a little hoarse as you clear your throat. 

  “Ya sugar.” 

  “Can we…do that again?” 

  He huffs out a laugh in a small moment of triumph. “Anytime you want.” 

Comments and reblogs are much appreciated

[angelstate]

“Broken People, Broken Things”

Broken!Simon x Kind!Reader

In times of need it's difficult for him to speak up, a nagging feeling on his chest, a sinful voice in his mind that tells him he doesn’t deserve the help he needs, that after going through so much in life he should've learned to not ask for help.

an alack sentiment filling his head, a loss of hope so profound that makes him feel hollow, no amount of soil can fill the hole in his chest. is terrifying, the absence of himself on his body, as if he can only be the shell of what he once was.

a stray dog who bites the hand that tries to feed him used to be hurt rather than helped. He knows it’s not all his fault, that life wasn’t kind to him from the very start but guilt still manages to spill through crevices, straining his sanity.

it doesn’t matter how much you try to pull him out of his self-depreciation state, his already too far gone into his own head, thoughts of self-hatred already engraved for him to be eaten alive in the middle of the night.

it’s a cannibalistic situation, being the consumer and the consumed, harming himself until he’s bleeding then wincing at the pain, licking the blood of his wound like a harmed animal, self-sufficient and self-destructive, infecting himself with more pain than he already was in, a cycle of torture with no easy ending to relieve him from the pressure in his chest.

in a world where people's opinion of you controls the way your life plays out, he understands clearly why he didn’t amount to anything worth praising, he can recognize that his life was meant to start and end in one painful motion, surrounded by nothing but despair.

He finds it comical, how life pulls his strings and leads him to suffering when he hasn’t recovered from past wounds, like the universe wants to see how clever he can get to salvage his worthless life, how badly he wants to survive despite having no motive to live.

“Are you listening to me?” you speak, voice soft and kind, pulling him out of his thoughts, like being pulled out of the ocean by a kind stranger who saw him struggle to swim, being helped to fill his lungs with air and not water. he looks down to meet your gaze, your doe eyes always holding a warmth to them, your smile of understanding and patience he doesn’t think he deserves.

“Sorry, I got distracted for a second” he answers, voice low and gruff, tongue rolling with a heaviness created by his thoughts, he should’ve listened to you speak rather than lose himself in his mind, you are the only normality his life still has, the only thing he doesn’t associate to a bad memory.

“s’okay..it’s late either way, I should let you go to sleep” you reply, sounding apologetic as you always do, looking down with what he can only guess to be embarrassment, you shouldn’t feel that way, you should never feel ashamed, he knows you never mean any harm, only acting on love and friendliness.

“I’m not tired yet” he lies, he is tired, his body is aching and begging to rest but his mind feels more active than ever, two entities disconnected and acting on their own accord, he wants to lay down and rest but he doesn’t want to leave, not yet…please, not right now.

He remembers when he was a kid, not older than 4 years old, and terrified of the night, fearing something was hiding in it, waiting for the perfect moment to attack, to kill him. His father's screams in the other room and objects crashing against the walls only fueled his fear, that when the sun goes down, the world knows no peace, that monsters come out and are searching to kill him, to kill his mother.

He never grew out of that, he knew monsters as he believed before weren’t real, but that doesn’t mean that a similar evilness isn’t around, a sort of plague, a parasite that spreads every time he blinks. nights for him didn’t get much better either, something about the quietness didn’t feel right, a wave of doom he couldn’t escape on his chest, he could only stare at the door of his room while waiting for the sun to rise, only then being able to sleep.

“I thought you would be tired, you worked so hard today” you comment, it had been mere seconds that passed until you spoke but it felt like ages, like the time slowed down, once again the universe toying with his sanity. 

you always acknowledge his efforts, his actions, and his reasoning even if you are far off of what he intended, you’re always so nice to him, pretending the rumors and whispers about his past and intentions don’t reach your ears, that you aren’t aware of them when he can’t begin to remember the amount of times he heard about them, too many to count, that’s for sure.

“it was nothing…don’t worry” he answers, but oh how much you worry, concern filling your mind every time your eyes land on him, the tiredness in his eyes evident, his heavy steps a clear sign of his body tired of carrying his weight around. you wish you could lure him into his room, put him to sleep, be able to grant him a good night's rest.

Does he want to rest? Does he deserve to rest?

he feels numb at times, something lacking in his brain, stopping him from fully connecting and experiencing his feelings. It doesn't get any easier with every passing day, hours blend together and before he knows it he’s back by your side, your praises for working so hard and doing things he doesn’t find enjoyable for the sake of everyone else around him.

“Want a cup of tea?” you offer, tilting your head to the side, voice softer and sweeter, like one that people use to lure an animal close, trying to capture him and give him a home. It’s unsettling to him how good you make the idea of being welcomed in a home and not being terrified by the people living in it, like that’s a possibility, like if he lets you put him in that cage he won’t regret it.

“would appreciate it if you made me one” he replies, hesitant and doubtful even if you have never shown a sign of evilness, but anyone who offers him something must want something back, he knows it, he was taught that was how it worked. he doesn’t know what you want, what he can give you, and that terrifies him more, he doesn’t want to owe you anything.

“Okay” you say and leave the room with quiet steps, he doesn’t dare to move from his place, eyes focused on the place you were standing a few seconds ago, he’s alone in the room, being able to hear you open the kitchen door and move things around.

he knows you’re only a few feet away, in another room, the door open and your movements are skilled and soft, but you’re still a person in another room, and he is standing alone, in the darkness remaining because the lamp on the corner table does nothing but illuminate the objects that resting on the surface, everything else is dark.

everything else makes him remember when he was a kid and he was scared, he doesn’t want to be scared anymore.

He stumbles for a second, his foot taking a step back before he can realize he is moving, losing his balance and regaining it quickly. It feels like he’s falling apart from the inside out, a pillar inside of him deteriorating to the point he isn’t able to stand the weight of his past.

He doesn't know what to do, why it affects him so much your kindness and why now out of any other time he feels like he can’t stand the fact you’re in another room, you’re not his father, you're not dangerous, you’re not his mother, you’re not in danger. So why is he so worried he feels like suffocating? 

you affect him in ways he doesn’t like, it makes him feel self-conscious about everything he's gone through in his life, he doesn't understand why you bring that out of him, you are not linked to his past, you’re part of the fresh start he created for himself because of guilt.

maybe you remind him of the kindness he was denied, you remind him of what he could've had if life had been any kinder to him when he needed it when he was just a kid, when he feared his father would kill his mother and him one night, in the middle of the dark with no one to save him.

God, you shouldn’t be kind to people like him, who know nothing but to tarnish everything and everyone around him, he is poison and you’re too pure to even associate with him, your kindness shouldn’t be wasted on him he doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve you.

He hears something shattering and follows not even a second later a scream of pain that could only come from you, his eyes dart towards the door, the hallway dark and the winces of pain continue.

For a second, a small fraction of a second he doubts the legitimacy of your injury, thinking his memories are getting to him, making him imagine something that isn’t at all happening, then he hears you fall to the ground, sobs ripping through your mouth and he knows it’s real.

He leaves the room with heavy steps, he’s adjusted to the darkness of the place but moves around, turning lights on with a freakish fear, wanting to have a clear vision even though he’s going straight towards his fear.

He reaches the kitchen and enters, his eyes moving around until he spots you on the floor, curled into yourself, hand bloody and burned, the broken cup and hot tea not even a meter away from you as you sob, holding your injured hand out as to not further damage the wound.

the image brings back memories he doesn’t allow himself to indulge in, moving around till he reaches you, grabbing the wrist from your injured hand with a sudden move, making you scream for a second before realizing is him who grabbed you, his eyes are strained on the wound, your skin looks irritated and half of your hand is soaked in blood.

“What happened?” he asks, tugging at your wrist as if the pain will make you speak any faster, he isn’t the kindest but he doesn’t mean to be harsh either, the panic is just too much on his bones to not let it out somehow, you’re the only person he knows is able to stab yourself with his sharp edges and survive to forgive him.

“I slipped and the cup fell on my hand…tried cleaning it but I cut myself” you explain through sobs and whimpers, trying to get your hand out of his grasp but every movement makes the pain of your wound stronger.

It’s stupid, how you managed to get yourself to fuck up something as simple as a cup of tea, it wasn’t a hard task, the floor hadn’t been mopped since hours ago and yet you still slipped and injured yourself like a baby deer with unstable limbs.

you shake your head, embarrassment once again plaguing your mind, he doesn’t differ with you, he doesn’t think you shouldn’t be ashamed of your mistake, you should be, you are ashamed and he agrees with you but for different reasons.

He thinks you should be ashamed of not calling out his name for help, for sitting on the ground and crying instead of asking for his assistance, you deserve to be helped when injured, and you deserve to be taken care of despite having made this mistake before.

you can make the same error again and still deserve to be forgiven and aided.

Because you’re human, and most importantly you are you, the woman who rescues everyone from their troubles like they are trapped in a burning building, you do everything and anything to make sure the people you love are safe and happy.

He can begin to understand why you think he’s worth the effort, maybe it’s pity, maybe with just one look at him and his reputation you can make out everything there is to know about him, every past trauma, every scar, every emotional issue he can’t let go of.

“It's fine…we’re going to be fine” He says, looking into your eyes, a silent promise you can’t decipher, you nod, pretending that you didn’t notice he aligned himself with your struggle, making himself a part of the situation so you wouldn’t be alone.

he doesn’t want that sort of faith for you.

He softly guides you to stand up from the ground, moving you towards the sink, standing behind you as he turns on the faucet, holding your injured hand and letting the cold water wash away the blood and cool off your irritated skin.

his breathing brushes on your neck, and the warmth of his chest spreads across your entire body as traps you between the counter and himself, it doesn’t have any malice in his touch nor does he mean anything sexual by it.

It’s the worry that has his body glued to yours, the need to surround you so you won’t get injured again, as one hides with their siblings somewhere in the house when your parents begin fighting again, it’s something natural that comes to him, used to protect and preserve the people he didn’t want getting hurt.

“I'm sorry for screwing up your tea” you apologize with a soft whisper, eyes focused on the blood washing away, it doesn’t hurt a lot anymore, just a small sting that lingers a bit uncomfortably, tolerable but not ideal.

you’re truly apologetic, you knew he didn’t get much sleep, that resting wasn’t something he usually did so you had tried to help him but in the end, it seemed you only caused more panic in his soul, his pupils still blown out as he assisted you with cleaning the wound, as if he was doing it for more reasons than just kindness.

maybe he was, you don’t know his full story after all, maybe you remind him of someone, of something he had buried a long time ago that you brought to the surface again and left him with anxiousness on his chest and worry in his mind.

“s’alright… it’s too late for tea either way” he comforts you the best he can, the best his words and feelings will let him right now, he isn’t upset about the mistake you made, anyone can fall, anyone can break a cup, he didn’t care about that, messes get cleaned up, a cup of tea isn’t as valuable as your health, you should know that.

It's too late for tea, and it’s too late for the amount of tears that continue to pour out of your eyes even though the pain isn’t overwhelming anymore, this time is your feelings, your physical state has nothing to do with the tears falling out and you’re too ashamed to admit it.

“I wanted to help you…I'm sorry Si” you speak again, a small hiccup interrupting your words but you don’t let that stop you from telling him how sorry you are that you managed to mess up one of the only things you knew he liked, tea.

“wanna make another one then?” he asks you, offering to let you try again, a second opportunity he knew you deserved and wanted, and even though he wasn’t in the mood for tea or anything at all, he was going to drink what you want to make him, even if it’s the last thing he does.

you shake your head, sniffling as you close the faucet softly with your noninjured hand, looking down as neither of you moves away from each other or makes the attempt to gain some distance. You didn’t want to make it again, didn’t want to risk embarrassing yourself and making the same mistake, this time in front of him.

“don’t want to screw up again” you answer him, voice low and full of shame. He understands you, maybe second chances aren’t always appreciated and he accepts that you don’t want to try again tonight.

He sees himself in you more than he wants to right now, more than he thought he ever would actually. He guessed that even someone like you could come from a not-so-pretty background, one where making mistakes is a sin that cannot be let go of without punishment.

different houses, different torture, same ending.

because of that, some part of him has to care for you, you deserve that, he cannot believe it enough even though he won’t say it out loud, don’t want to be caught by other people and have you end up being a outcast like him, you don’t deserve that, you don’t deserve that ending.

He makes you turn around softly so you’re facing him, his hands wiping away your tears with a gentle touch, he wished he could do more, turn back time and help you make the cup of tea, or go even further and stop whatever made you believe making a small mistake was such a high offense.

“Are you alright?” he asks, aware you aren’t but it feels cordial to make the question either way, giving you an opportunity to express more than you normally would, he knows you don’t talk enough about your feelings and it’s time you do.

“It’s not fair that you suffer so much and I can't even do something to help you” you reply and his heart stops for a second, the blood on his vein also coming to a halt as he feels himself being delirious of your words.

you did not hold such sentiment for him, nobody did, nobody has and nobody will. That was his life, a never-ending cycle of being looked down upon and having to do everything by himself because why would anyone want to help him or even try to? it’s stupid, you’re being stupid.

“Don’t say that darling..” he shushes you softly, his hands moving to caress your hair, he shakes his head, not wanting to believe you actually care, not wanting to get hope out of lies, it wouldn’t be pretty if he did and you broke his heart in the end.

“years of pain always lead up to isolation, you don’t deserve that” Captain Price once told him after a tough mission, and the words replay in his mind as he has you in his arms, the water mixed with droplets of blood on your hand staining the kitchen floor as he holds you gently.

He's living like his dead, and he doesn’t like it, doesn’t like he drags you to that same misery every time you’re around him but he doesn't want to let go of.

what is not devotion but to become a better person for the one you love?

“I appreciate your intention sweetheart…” he says as the silence from you eats him alive, wanting to make the ache on your chest disappear, he had never wanted to make you suffer, even unintentionally.

he is ready to repair everything broken so you won’t get harmed ever again, he’s ready to repair himself for you.

He had never wanted to become what he hates, a lover, a sentimental person, and yet as he finds himself becoming all of that and more, he can’t help but enjoy it, especially if it means never letting go of you.

Love wasn’t something he knew much of, never got the chance to learn when he was a kid and for a very long time he thought it wasn’t real, a mythical feeling everyone lied about existing so they wouldn’t be alone for the rest of their lives.

Your existence and kindness prove him wrong, your persistence in trying to make life easier for him, the way you laughed, the way you acted, your personality, your likes, and dislikes, everything about you showed him that love was real and he was experiencing it with you.

even if it took a lot of time for him to realize it he did now, and he loved you a lot, more than he would ever let on, more than any piece of literature could ever describe.

Tomorrow is a new day, and another cup of tea can be made, you cannot cry for what was never lost, and his gaze never falters from you so you don’t have to worry, he will always help you, you’re his air and he is yours.

Love cannot easily be tarnished and he swears he will never let anything happen to the one the two of you share, even if that is the only thing he does with his final breath.

(little reminder: I'm taking requests if you guys want me to write about something specific xx)

[cooki3face]

wounded feminine energy vs wounded masculine energy:

Wounded feminine will struggle primarily with feelings of unworthiness that will present itself in a lot of different ways but wounded feminine energy may include things like:

issues with control and manipulation : stepping outside of her feminine energy and her home energy of recieving and trying to push and pull things into fruition or to go in the direction she sees fit and often for personal gain. This may present in her relationships with others, manipulating her friends, manipulating her partners, manipulating strangers. May be dishonest, deceitful, or deceptive.

low self worth & self esteem: she’s unable to make good decisions on who she chooses to be around and what she allows, may fall into a habit of people pleasing, may struggle with internalized misogyny, may be boy crazy or blow her entire life up for male validation or male presence, may constantly speak negatively upon herself and upon others. May victimize herself often or be prone to feeling “sorry” for herself, may also be heavily emotionally unstable or consumed by her emotions to the point where she’s constantly at high points of emotional distress. She has no boundaries, she’s desperate for love, she’s obsessive in a way where it comes from a place of lack or a void.

Vindictive,bitter, and jealous: falls right in hand with low self worth and self esteem, projecting all her fears and jealousy onto others especially other women. Always out to get someone, always picking on someone, always attempting to humiliate or tear someone apart.

over-giving: falls right into people pleasing but a feminine who may be over giving may not know how to or be unable to protect her energy, her power, her divinity and her “soft feminine”, she may become over-giving, over nurturing, overly empathetic to the point where she pours too much of herself (from a raw and authentic pool of her energy) into others. this comes hand in hand with my post about a feminine needing a divine counterpart who is conducive to her energy and is safe and giving so that when she’s in her most vulnerable state her energy won’t go to waste.

Shame and guilt: ashamed of her body, ashamed of her sensuality, ashamed of her femininity, ashamed of what it takes to protect herself from others, guilty for putting herself first, guilty for being in her power, guilty for recieving what she rightfully deserves, etc. etc. falls hand in hand with what I spoke about briefly about how purity culture and certain aspects of culture and life may supress one’s feminine nature and identity and ability to connect with self.

Intuitive and expressive: she’s in touch with her intuition, she’s strong and in tune, truth is clear and she lives in her truth. She lives an honest life, is honest with herself and with honors, shows up as an authentic version of herself in spirit. She’s creative, she inspires others instead of picking them apart or leading them astray.

Consumed by emotions: she’s angry, she’s aggressive, she’s emotionally consumed or disturbed, she’s violent, always fighting people, doesn’t have effective problem solving or communication skills outside of violence or conflict. Is always involved in conflict, is always involved in drama, befriends people with the intention of constantly being in the center of an issue or being aware of an issue, nosy and cunning. If she’s jealous and bitter she expresses it heavily.

***

Wounded masculine will struggle primarily with how he sees himself, honoring his heart space, and what it means to be masculine or a man. This is not a new issue, it’s as old as time, wounded masculine may exude behaviors like:

overly competitive and combative: masculine may have a tendency to try to out compete others, regardless of sex or gender. He competes with women, he competes with men. He used envy and insecurity to fuel these urges to compete with others. He wants to be the biggest all the time, he wants to be the most successful, the most important, the most looked at, etc. etc. there’s nothing wrong with these desires when they come from a place of self love and growth, there is an issue when they come from the ego and his desire is to push others out of their rightful place or consume the energy of others to make himself larger. Or he needs to be right and he’s argumentative. He may be prone to having narcissistic traits or a narcissistic personality type, he may have an inflated ego or sense of importance. Constant inner and outer conflict, he’s displeased with himself, he’s displeased with what there’s, he’s always fighting, always arguing, always involved in some sort of altercation.

Abusive and angry: he has a tendency to communicate with physical violence or is unable to solve problems effectively. He has a desire to hurt others to make himself feel stronger or more powerful or feel validated and respected. Constant inner and outer conflict, he’s displeased with himself, he’s displeased with what there’s, he’s always fighting, always arguing, always involved in some sort of altercation.

controlling and/or possessive: controlling in plenty of areas, in his relationships, in career, in life. Reflects a masculine whose not confident in his ability to be loved and admired, not confident in his ability to make a difference or take action that will push things forward or into fruition in a genuine and meaningful manner. A possessive masculine is a masculine who has a strong desire to consume things rather than enjoy them and allow them to flourish. Especially in his relationships, he may attempt to “squash” his partner, keep them from stepping into their power, keep them from doing well, he may have a tendency to view his partners and counterparts as objects to be had or to be owned rather than to be appreciated or as an energy that is complimentary and adds to his value or divinity. This goes hand and hand with what I spoke about briefly about men in relationships with successful women who try to trap them with pregnancy at the height of their careers or try to minimize their success. He’s overly critical of others and overly critical of himself on an internal level. May be prone to picking up misogynistic tendencies and views, he picks on women, he degrades them, he feels the need to tell them what to do and what’s acceptable.

Manipulative: again. A masculine who doesn’t think he’s truly capable of making an impact, a masculine who doesn’t believe he’s capable of truly being loved or doesn’t believe he has enough value to be stayed with in his relationships. A masculine who may have a tendency to see others as below him or as pawns.

over-preforming or overcompensating: am i man enough? Am I doing enough? Will they look at me or admire me enough? He tries too hard to be “masculine”, is afraid to stray away from masculine stereotypes, bullies and takes out aggression towards men who don’t fit the mold that he’s been conditioned to believe is what masculinity or being a real man looks like. Leads him to being controlling, resentful, aggressive and violent in a lot of cases. Resents others who live in their truth and live authentically despite judgment and rejection, tries to squash or push down others who go against what he’s been conditioned to believe is right or wrong, ends up pushing people away or ruining a lot of his relationships and his connections because he’s unable to find the courage to be who he is from an authentic stand point and he’s angry because he always feels like he has to preform and conform. And bro is definitely the lgbtq police and the “that’s gay asf” guy in the back who nobody asked an opinion from. He’s overly critical of others and overly critical of himself on an internal level. May be prone to picking up misogynistic tendencies and views, he picks on women, he degrades them, he feels the need to tell them what to do and what’s acceptable.

Unable to feel emotions/disconnected from self: unable to communicate and communicate effectively, he doesn’t understand himself and therefore can’t understand others, has a tendency to resort to anger or shutting down or running from things when he’s feeling triggered or being coaxed out of his shelf or is required to open up and be vulnerable. He’s guarded and closed off, he’s defensive, he struggles with an avoidant attatchment style, he’s afraid of being seen, he’s afraid of true intimacy, he’s afraid of being perceived in general and perceived as being soft or emotional. He doesn’t want to talk about his feelings because he’s conditioned not to and it’s difficult. He’s stagnant, he’s unable to grow, he’s unable to learn hard emotional lessons. Repressed his feminine energy or actively represses it and this goes hand and hand with overcompensating and over preforming.

Unstable: unstable, unsupportive, unsafe physically and emotionally. He can’t create a safe space for you, for others, or himself emotionally or physically and he will not.

[trashmouth-milkshake]

Can I have Judgement Day x Fem reader with the prompt "Don't hide from us" where they see her scars when Rhea and Damian showers with her after a long match and they walk back in the other room where Dom and Finn are and it's fluffy plss

Everything Will Stay The Same - Judgement Day x Fem! Reader

SUMMARY : your partners find out about the scars you've been hiding from them

GENRE : fluff , hurt-comfort

PROMPT : ' don't hide from us '

WARNINGS : poly! judgement day , mention of past self-harm scars , non-explicit nudity

A/N : i have tons of other requests , but since you're always so sweet and get all my requests and also message me to check on me , i can do nothing , but to write this for you first *sending virtual hugs* <^_^>

'Don't be ashamed of your scars' they said, 'they make you who you are' they said, but you never believed them.

Ever since you joined The Judgement Day, you fear them finding out about your scars and invite you to leave the faction, but you're not sure. You can't hold it in forever.

The problem arrives when Rhea and Damian ask you to join them for a warm shower after your last long and tiring match. At first, you value the option to say not, but you feel uncomfortable in sweat, so you decide to join them anyways, hoping they won't notice your scars and if they ask you questions about it, you'll simply ignore them.

You then decide to walk upstairs to the bathroom, undress and get in the shower first because, in your opinion, there's a low chance they will notice, but to your plan goes to fuck itself when Rhea and Damian join you earlier than you though.

The hot water runs all over your bare body, you occasionally flinching because your scars are so sensitive to hot temperatures and it's too late when you remember Rhea and Damian like taking extremely hot showers because, in their opinion, it favors relax better than cold ones. You usually take warm/cold showers because of your recent and sensitive scars.

Unfortunatly, Rhea and Damian notice you flinch multiple time as the soap and hot water mix tenderly touches your sensitive skin and that's where they're concerned. "Babe, are you okay?" Rhea asks first, but you simply nod, ignoring the question. "Babe, seriously." Damian forces you to get out of the shower to study your arms and legs, his eyes and Rhea's wide when they see all those scars.

"Sweetie, what are these?" Damian asks, holding your arm to give a closer look to the marks all over it. You don't know how to explain, but before you can say anything, even a quick explaination, Rhea interrupts you. "Why did you hide it from us for all this time?"

"I... I though you wouldn't like me anymore." Your voice cracks as you finally spill the tea, but instead of being mad as you expect, Rhea and Damian reassuring smile at you. "Are you kidding, silly? We won't like you anymore just because of your scars." Rhea says softly and Damian nods to agree.

You smile through tears of all the memories behind your scars coming to your mind. They pull you close and kiss your cheeks in sync before to walk back in your guys' shared bedroom where Finn and Dominik are. Rhea and Damian explain to them quickly and Dom gets some rubbing alcohol along with some cotton balls and bandages. You flinch because it burns, but it's worth it because after that, your scars hurt less as they're all well wrapped in the bandages. "Don't hide from us." are Dominik's words.

Then you sit in bed with your four partners to watch a movie, forgetting about the scars for a moment. But what you certain know now is that you don't have to hide it from them or feel ashamed around them anymore.

[thewritingmagician2022]

Hi! I was wondering if you could write how the boys would react to an mc that don’t speak English very well? Spanish it’s my first language and it’s funny because some times I misunderstand what they say and I just stay like 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry for my bad english 😅 I hope you’re fine and healthy uwu

Ironically, I am not healthy - hence the really long delay. But thank you!

Lucifer: Lucifer is not impressed with himself; how did he manage to not realize that you didn’t speak English as a primary language? This complicates things just a little bit but he’s not going to feel too bad about it or give you any leeway.

His favorite thing to say is “you know what I mean!” when you act like you don’t understand what he’s saying. Sometimes you’re able to figure it out and sometimes you’re not but Lucifer doesn’t care. He pushes you to be self-sufficient; you better find a way to make it work while you’re down here.

On the low, he will sign you up for English classes at RAD or get you a private tutor to make sure you’re able to communicate well enough while you live down there.

Mammon: He is so confused sometimes. The two of you will go back and forth, just confusing each other more and more as you try to figure out what the other person said/meant.

Mammon is the kind of person who’s flipping through a pocket dictionary and trying to speak Spanish to you but he’s absolutely butchering it almost every time and ends up saying something rude/nonsensical by accident

It’s really cute that he tries though and he usually just finds it more funny than anything when you don’t understand him

Levi: Levi is embarrassed when you guys can’t fully understand each other. He feels ashamed that he obviously can’t communicate clearly and wonders why you would ever bother trying to talk to an otaku like him

He definitely hides away in the beginning because the language barrier bugs him

The more you talk, the more you both understand each other. He even starts speaking Spanish a little; he learned Japanese for anime so the least he can do is learn a little Spanish for you

Still, he much prefers texting because the phones can auto translate everything and he doesn’t have to worry about either of you being confused/a misunderstanding

Satan: Satan finds it funny in the “well, well, well, Lucifer finally screwed up” kind of way and he tends to dramatize how many misunderstandings there are just to spite Lucifer even more for accidentally choosing a human that doesn’t speak fluent english

With that in mind, Satan starts learning Spanish pretty much immediately and, once you two are on friendly terms, he starts tutoring you in English as well to make sure you can understand and communicate well while you live in the Devildom

Like Mammon, he carries around a little pocket dictionary; however, he’s much more efficient with it and can actually use it to translate

Asmo: Asmo doesn’t need to understand what you’re saying for him to understand you and vice Versa!

He thinks it’s so cute when you get confused and he loves to use gestures and dramatic facial expressions to convey whatever point he is trying to make - it usually doesn’t work well and ends up even more confusing but you both have fun the whole time

Definitely someone who will sometimes pretend to not notice you’re confused (or if he’s rambling about something he genuinely may not even notice) and he doesn’t need you to reply to keep the conversation going; he can talk enough for you both

Beel: Beel is confused and you’re confused

Like Levi, he may avoid communication in the beginning because Beel is usually quiet anyway but it sometimes feels like it’s not worth the hassle and confusion

Beel mimes things to you sometimes to try to better explain himself. He’s surprisingly good at charades and it usually clears things up well enough for you.

If he doesn’t understand you, he usually tries that nod/smile people do when they have no idea what the fuck is going on because he wants to be polite

Belphie: Belphie is too tired for this shit. You’re just going to have to figure out what he said for yourself; use your phone to translate or something

He will draw pictures sometimes, if it’s something he really wants to share with you and he can’t find the right words

When he doesn’t understand you, he doesn’t even pretend to. He just stares at you until you figure out a way to say it in English or make your point known in another way

Diavolo: Diavolo is entirely charmed by the language barrier. He loves that humans have so many different languages and loves how clever you all are about trying to understand each other

He does feel a bit bad considering it makes your life more difficult and miscommunications can be a pain in the ass

To rectify this issue, he tries to make all the demons learn Spanish and asks you to lead them in Spanish lessons and then everyone can speak your language!

Obviously that’s not realistic though and he settles for learning some Spanish himself and making sure all of your learning materials at RAD are translated for you to make things easier

Barbatos: Somehow Barbatos always knows how to say things in a way you understand and he’s always able to understand what you’re saying too

You have a sneaking suspicion that he may actually be fluent in Spanish but he refuses to admit it

Barbatos doesn’t even needs words; he understands your mannerisms and facial expressions well enough and he’s equally good about making himself clear to you

Solomon: Solomon speaks all human languages, both current and past. However, he’s not very good at it because he doesn’t practice the skill often so he’ll be a bit rusty in the beginning

Definitely uses spells and engagements to help communicate better and auto translates books and things for you so you have an easier time rather than struggling to read everything in English and he’ll translate any papers you write in Spanish to English too to make your life easier

Being the mischievous man he is, Solomon does love to laugh a little when you’re not able to understand someone, especially the brothers, and occasionally he may “misinterpret” what they’ve said to cause a bit more chaos

Simeon: Simeon actually already speaks some Spanish. He’s not fluent like Solomon but he understands enough to get by and he’s really good at helping translate between you and another person if there’s an issue

He’s asked you to teach him more Spanish so you guys can communicate better and he offers to help you with English as well

Simeon is a little ridiculous and loves playing the guessing game when he doesn’t understand something, rather than looking it up. He and Luke make a bit of a game of it to see who can figure it out first when there’s a miscommunication

[bloogers-boogers]

Your Adam with Lucifer vs Adam with Michael post made my day,

I love that you can just see that kind of dickishness of Adam that just shine through with both of them, like sure, he loves them but he's also self-center and selfish, like that part when Adam is ask whether he would fall/redeem himself for them, I honestly interpret that of him saying he would think about it, he wouldn't actually do it,

With that in mind, does the difference between him saying 'I'm in love with you' in one year vs 2 thousand years really mean that much, the way I see it is that Adam genuinely loves them, he's also shallow and an asshole

To put it more metaphorically,

Adam with Lucifer is like a rollercoaster ride, there are high points and low points, he enjoys it's fast pace but he probably wouldn't have chosen to go on the rollercoaster in the first place and had to be coax to even consider it

Adam with Michael, however, is like a hike up a mountain, slow and meandering, he probably took breaks that last weeks at some point but he doesn't stop hiking and eventually reach the top

YESSSS Adam will always have that dick side of his no matter what, after all the things he’s seen I can’t see him as someone entirely sweet. I see him bitter, bitter that humanity was doomed to sin and struggle, but even more resentful over sinners not taking their second chance on being worthy of heaven and ascending, instead falling to hell and indulging in sin. And now with this whole hotel thing? It was just a tic for him.

I do see him having followed through everything (those things the angels probably didn’t ask him to do. Good deeds that genuinely came from his heart but he doesn’t recognize the acts of good he did back on earth) to be worthy of ascending. But after seeing the atrocities of his descendants and his kids, heaven not being entirely ‘perfect’ he kinda lost it. Not worth the effort anymore, not bothering anymore on trying, having it easy?

Being in heaven just disconnected him from his humanity using the excuse that he was now an angel. Like I feel even the mask represents that side of covering up his human features. He’s ashamed of it, he doesn’t want part of it anymore but he would never get rid of it because it’s a big part of his character. And he knows, hates that. It’s kinda why he brags about it because it beneficial for him (a title of significance in heaven over the winners/stands out from the crowd) but he genuinely doesn’t give a fuck and hates it.

And yes!! I definitely made it meaningful in both of the “one year vs two thousand years”

I see it as it took time with Michael for it to build up after yk eden and his wives so it TOOK a lot to fall for Michael. Like a lot of work was put in that relationship to become stable. Adam has a lot of trust issues and Michael understood that so he was really patient with him and Adam appreciated that side of Michael. So yess!! Adam had a lot of breaks to actually considering taking it seriously and Michael was there waiting for him to take that step.

While with Lucifer they already had a history going on, so things just pieced together quickly, however with that rocky start ofc Adam would’ve NOT chosen to give it a go but with a lot of hard work Lucifer did manage to snatch Adam’s heart hitting the right spots of it and trying to fix the hurt and damage he caused on Adam. They have like ALOT of issues to work on but now they are willing to make an effort to not do the same mistakes (Lucifer mostly agdkshdowhsow) Adam has major abandonment issues and Lucifer cannot leave Adam even if there’s times he wants out (bc Adam is a dick himself)

Like, Michael slow but quick🔥 while with Lucifer quick but slow🔥?

He loves them both differently but the love is there nonetheless

I’m glad my post made your day! 💖

[diaryofanenchantedprincess]

Self compassion is the antidote.

Whenever you’re feeling down, when you’re feeling ashamed especially- be compassionate to yourself. When you’re having a hard day, do something with the mindset that being kind and gentle and loving to yourself is what will help you. You deserve that kindness. You deserve to feel good.

Do one thing as an act of service for yourself. If you want to do more and fill the day with self care activities- please do. But if you’re only able to manage one thing, please do it. It’s different for everyone. It can be getting a scoop of ice cream. Walking outside for 10 minutes. Laying down under the blankets with your stuffed toy. A guided breathing exercise. Simply sitting down and observing nature. Anything.

Whatever it is- make sure it’s something mindful and not something that distracts you like watching tv or scrolling on your phone. For me- it’s making a cup of hot chocolate.

Hot chocolate has never failed me.

I simply boil cubes of 70% dark chocolate in some milk, and while I’m humming (I make myself hum a tune no matter what mood I’m in), I keep stirring without letting the milk come to a boil and when it’s reached that creamy, luscious consistency, I take it off the heat, pour into my pink mug and top it off with some mini marshmallows and shaved dark chocolate. Sometimes I’ll omit the marshmallows and put in a spoon of vanilla ice cream and gently stir. I’ll watch the ice cream melt into little snowy swirls on top of my beautiful hot chocolate and that first little sip- I swear- feels like it reaches my entire nervous system and calms it down. Like a wave of relief and relaxation washing over me.

In my darkest moments, when I feel like I’m so deep in a pit that there’s nothing that could possibly get me out, no light could ever reach down to a darkness that dwells so deep, hot chocolate is an instant cure. A comfort. A balm that soothes my soul. A warm blanket around my freezing heart. A gentle hand that guides me slowly but surely out of that dark pit.

I do this every time I fall into my pit. It has gotten me out every single time. Not right away some days, but it leaves a lasting impact and has reduced the frequency of my ‘mental lows’. It’s imprinted in my mind that when I feel low, I am worth being loved then too. When I feel worthless, I am worth love especially then.

If you’re feeling low today, please do one kind, loving act of service for yourself. You deserve to feel good. You deserve to be shown kindness and love. Especially if the person showing that to you is you.

[qatheauthoress74]

And So I Make This Wish...Rewrite!

Yeah, it's very original title, I know, but ever since I saw the concept art for Disney's Wish (along with watching a ton of YT vids analyzing the film and how much it could be improved) I've decided to throw my hat into the ring and tell my own tale.

The story will be about 17-year-old Asha, the apprentice sorcerer to King Magnifico, the ruler of the Kingdom of Rosas. With his wife, Queen Amaya, they grant wishes under the blessing from the Stars whom the people of Rosas both revere and fear at the same time like mortals towards gods. Asha has been training under Magnifico for the past ten years. Despite showing great magical potential she just can't seem to get the most basic spells working right and feels like a total failure. Which makes it hard for her to muster up the courage to ask Magnifico to grant her great-grandfather's wish.

Asha in my story is awkward due to low self-esteem inflicted upon herself for feeling inadequate and also coming from a mean girl named Grimhilde. Grimhilde acts all haughty and smug but is secretly jealous of all the attention Asha gets as the royal apprentice. Most of the people of Rosas love Asha despite her lack of self-worth and even call her their princess even though she technically isn't related to Magnifico and Amaya. She tries to make up for her supposed shortcomings by doing a lot of chores around the castle and also works as the kingdom's tour guide but gets easily tired from the work. The only friend Asha has at first is Dahlia the royal baker, but that's because Asha excuses herself as being too busy to hang out with the rest of the Teens as she knows she can't help them with their wishes like Magnifico and feels ashamed for it. She likes to draw and dance but keeps these to herself at first due to her confidence issues. The only other beings she lets her true self shine are her Saba, the animals in the forest, and her pet goat Valentino.

Astrophil will be my starboy (or starbeing as in my story they are non-binary). Astrophil gets their name from Asha as a line-of-sight name from a collection of poems titled Astrophil and Stella, written by her late father's favorite poet. Astrophil came to Earth to help Asha fulfill her wish while also getting the chance to explore Rosas and learn more about Asha. Astrophil is pretty smitten with Asha and their dynamic will be similar to Aang and Katara's from ATLA. Astrophil finds the royal couple's excuse to only grant wishes from what the stars tell them as absurd and, with Asha's help, decides to uncover what's really going on in Rosas.

Magnifico and Amaya will be a classic villainous couple who put on metaphorical masks to look like benevolent rulers but only care about themselves. They get away with not granting everybody's wishes by stating that the Stars guide them to choose and will get offended if they make "wrong" choices. The reason they keep the extra wishes for themselves is revealed later on in the story and how it is tied to their magic.

There will be plenty of more characters involved with the story such as Valentino, Dahlia, the Seven Teens, and a few cameos from various Disney films but all with a Wish twist to them.

Once I have the whole story written out, I plan to upload the chapters onto AO3 under my name QAtheAuthoress74. I'm going to title the story as...

"Asha & Astrophil: A Retelling of Wish"

So, be on the lookout when I release it. Fair warning, I'm still in the VERY early developing stage of the story so it will be a while before it's published. But I was just too excited to share some of my ideas with you all.

@annymation @oh-shtars

[murielsbottombitch]

cw: rant, addiction, weed, restrictive food intake, severe weight loss, anorexia

yes, it's very ironic I chose to post this on 4/20 💀

I wanna quit weed for at least a few months, just to see if it would be the right decision for me, but I highly doubt my body can handle it.

I mostly use it to medicate my severely low appetite, which I'm also on prescribed medicine for, and I don't think I could go that long struggling to eat. I'm aware weed probably affected my appetite over time but I can't deal with being that repulsed by food again, let alone if it goes on for multiple months. I can deal with the chronic pain, fatigue and insomnia being worse, probably. I just can't deal with a fundamental human need being a waking nightmare. I can't deal with my body rejecting food again. I can't. I don't know how else to cope with it other than weed, physically and mentally. my appetite traumatizes me constantly and it's hard to confide in people when the horrible thing happening to my body is touted as a good thing. I'm thin. who cares how badly my health deteriorates? it's so much easier to cope with it when I'm high. even if I still can't make myself eat, at least it's not eating away at my psyche.

at the same time, what if being sober helps? what if I go through the horrible pain, the trauma and come out better for it? I don't know who I am without weed anymore, I smoke nearly constantly and have since I was 18. I've changed and grown so much in that span of time and weed has been a huge aid in that. I don't know if I still need it or if it's hurting me now, though. I don't feel like it's hurting me but I'm not going to fool myself and pretend I'm not an addict. I do almost everything high, which makes it hard to tell if it's even still helping. I think it's helping my executive dysfunction but what if I'm wrong? what if I'm more passionate and headstrong than ever sober? I want to see what's on the other side so bad but the tunnel is full of booby traps.

weed was exactly what I needed during my anorexia recovery. of course the munchies but it made me so much less ashamed of eating. I'm terrified of being that ashamed again. I'm terrified that I might let my appetite take it's course. it's taken me so long to get to the point where I make myself eat, even if I don't want to. I'm terrifed of that being undone. I'm terrified of relapsing. my body can't take it, not after the damage I've done to it.

I just don't know if it's worth the risk just to see what I'm like when I'm not self medicating. my brain can handle not being high. my body can't.

typing this now cause I'm gonna have a dry spell for the next few days and am considering using it as an opportunity to just not get more weed. however, I have eaten 3 grapes today and am running on less than 2 hours of sleep. this is the start, the easy part. I'm not even irritable yet. I'm just scared. my body makes me really, really scared.

[durgesupremacy]

durge fic writing process thoughts: guilt versus shame

Write whatever you want! Headcanon your best life! And, I noticed a pattern in how I think about durge's character arc, especially because I'm currently writing an evil-to-the-end durge. No one asked for this (though asks are open!) but here it is, some rambling on how my durge(s) feeling guilt vs shame for their urges impacts whether they choose violence / stay evil.

(apparently the brand for this blog is Long Post Only)

I have a *lot* of oc durges. I'm writing Solace (they/them wood elf rogue / fighter) because they're the only one who fully pursues Gortash pre- and post-tadpole and I want to write durgetash rn. But in my weird personal multiverse of durges, the ones who were self-satisfied and confident pre-tadpole are the ones who become more "good" post-tadpole. The durges who were the most troubled pre-tadpole are more likely to do evil things, or at least be morally flexible.

Why? For me, a durge who experienced some kind of self-confidence, fulfillment, and/or pleasure during their time as a Bhaalist murder baby enters tadpole life with a seed of self-acceptance. Though they can't remember why, their amnesiac self has some preexisting inclination to like themselves for who they are and have more trust in their own judgment. They experience their urges for a second first time with enough security in themselves to reject them. They feel guilty, but they don't think this is who they are. (The internal conflict at this point is accepting their villainous past, which will be differently fun to write if I ever do it).

But a durge who moved through their Chosen of Bhaal phase with fear, insecurity, and/or low self-worth enters tadpole life with vestiges of self-loathing. Their broken brain leaned into traumatic rewiring, and when they re-encounter their urges they're predisposed towards self-hate and identify with the urges instead of challenging or rejecting them. Being Bad makes more intuitive sense to them than being, idk, Good with a Serious Problem. Something is wrong with them. They feel shame.

But without their memories, they don't really know why. Depending on party composition they can get praised and rewarded for the things they feel ashamed of. And in time, they realize they don't have to feel shame - after all, it's their reaction. They can react differently. If they stop fighting their "true nature" they can finally enjoy themselves. They'll even get rewarded for it and more or less have what they need to survive. (There's a whole other point of analysis here on companion interactions and community vs isolation, I can write that at some point if we're into it).

Ultimately, my post-tadpole self-loathing villain-arc durge is tempted not just by the urges, but by not feeling bad about themselves. Without their memories of who they were and why they should feel ashamed of that, they have the freedom to indulge in their worst traits. It might look like self-acceptance, but it's not. They just stopped caring about anything and followed the dopamine. And the more they give in to their "true self," the more inevitable it seems to them that their only path towards meaning and worth is through Bhaal. (At least it makes Solace go perfectly with Gortash. Misery doesn't love company so much as it hates being alone).

I guess this feels worth saying because I've seen nuanced discussion about durge's capacity for redemption, but the evil arc for durge seems mostly like them leaning into misc Bhaalist insanity and/or being very comfortable in their evil. I'm curious about (and enjoying) writing an evil durge that's less unhinged and is experiencing more relatable emotional arcs, even when we can't relate to their stabbing. Hopefully.

Stay tuned for more rambling

[girlwithfish]

Realizing im super fucking lonely. especially lonely rn for reasons i iwll not say. ive always been lonely but it still sucks

im trying to rebuild my sense of internal safety and trust in myself. i realize i do not trust othere or the world and i also do not rly trust myself but at the same time i also have the mindset that i can only rely on myself to a toxic degree.

and also how innate shame has guided my entire life i thought i was just an anxious person w low self esteem and worth which is true but i thought i was just fucked up for no reason and like this is normal its just anxiety like i dont think u r supposed to feel ashamed and guilty for every thing u do and for things u didnt even do ur entire life i feel ashamed the moment i wake up. Its weird and alienating. and also feeling like an alien among a crowd of ppl u intrinsically cannot connect to. and i sound like a bitch when i say this but reading abt how cptsd gives u that feeling of intrinsic difference from other ppl and just further causes u to isolate and feel like there's something wrong w u has been a little like... okay. i guess thats what ive been feeling my whole life and i only realized now its not particularly normal unless if u have some kind of trauma or mental illness but like its dampening my life so much and feeling guilty for existing is not what a healthy person should feel LOL

and anyway i feel my trust in others and my worldview in general has shrank so much lately. i just retreat more within myself for safety

and i also have the innate core belief that i am not worthy my opinions thoughts and wants do not matter and its such a barrier to being my authentic self and being able to have connection w ppl bc i cant even hold a casual conversation anymore or insert my opinions its especially hard lately. i always thought i was just shy and socially anxious which Is also true and then i also thought i was autistic but i guess being more aware of the actual reasons why im so "shy"is like ohh ur not Just shy and u also automatically subconsciously label urself as a worthless and lesser person who nobody will like or value ur thoughts so u might as well obscure urself and not get close to anyone and prevent anyone from knowing u and u have masked urself so well u dont even know who u are to urself.... yay :*

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, mbti-notes. INFJ here. My question is about the low self-worth that accompanies a lifetime of being single (well into the late 20s). How can I stop the fact that I have always been single from affecting the way I view myself? I am starting to feel unlovable and at risk of ending up alone. I have only recently started feeling this way, to be fair - I used to not care too much.

But a recent comment by my dad implying it was shameful to be the only one in my friend group without a partner has brought to my awareness that, on top of all the other implications, I could also be judged for this. As I grow older, as my friends start settling down and living with their long-term partners, I am starting to wonder if maybe there is something wrong with me. I’m embarrassed to say I have no relationship experience and I can feel my self-worth suffer as a result too.

----------------------

What is your definition of "shame"? You seem to view it as an indication that there is something wrong with you, that you are flawed, broken, or unacceptable in the eyes of others? This way of defining shame is unhealthy and it usually occurs due to self-esteem and self-worth struggles. Self-esteem and self-worth issues should be addressed sooner rather than later, since they are very common obstacles to personal growth. Nobody can make you feel unworthy unless you already suspect/believe you are. As long as you are unstable inside, you will be easily knocked over by outside forces.

All feelings and emotions have something important to teach you. The issue is whether you have the right frame of mind to learn. Shame is what you feel when you do things that are harmful. Shame encourages you to make up for harm, change negative behavior, and behave more morally. Shame teaches you how to be a more proactive, productive, and positive member of relationships and society. Instead of listening to the shame and learning from it, you react against it and can't make sense of it, getting stuck in rumination. It's hard to think straight when you don't know how to process negative feelings and emotions. Thus, improving your emotional intelligence should be a priority in personal development.

Is being single something to be ashamed about? Are you harming anyone? On the surface, no. You are free to choose whatever relationship lifestyle you prefer, are you not? If, of your own free will, you have chosen to be single, what is there to be ashamed of? Why not stand by your decision proudly? Maybe you can't feel confident in yourself because that's not the whole story, is it?

If, like many INFJs, you have struggled with Fe development and it has held you back and held you down in life, then the resultant shame is an important signal to heed. It's telling you that your development has stalled because you are sabotaging yourself. Self-sabotage is something to feel ashamed about only in the sense that you have done harm to yourself and it needs to be rectified. You have not afforded yourself the respect, empathy, care, compassion, and love that all human beings need to flourish and thrive in life. Tell me, is it unreasonable for a parent to feel pained when seeing their child live a life devoid of love?

I don't know your father, so I can't speak to his true intentions, but that's irrelevant with regard to whether he's speaking truth. Negative feedback only sticks to you when there is an element of truth you aren't willing to acknowledge. Immature INFJs with unhealthy Fe tend to be oversensitive and have a lot of difficulty handling negative feedback. They tend to misinterpret negative feedback (via Ti loop) because, unconsciously, they don't want to admit there's a problem (with Fe development), they don't want to feel the full force of the pain it causes, and they don't want to confront the change that is necessary to resolve it. Is this true for you?

I'm not here to make decisions for you or to tell you what you should want in life. Whatever you want, make the decision, commit to it, and stand by it. If you can't do that, then maybe what you want isn't what you actually need. All human beings need care and love. Being in denial of your needs means they'll never get fulfilled. I don't believe that lack of relationship experience is an obstacle, since it is easily remedied by getting out there and experiencing. Perhaps the real obstacle is fear. If that's the case, then you have a choice to make as to whether you want to be trapped by fear for the entirety of your life...

[talkshitgetcrit]

‘Yes, Rings of Power is just a mess and not even a hot one, luke-warm mess at best, but at least the aesthetics slap!’

I’m sorry, are we even sure we are watching the same show?

The costumes are a mess, the hair& make up really looked at Tolkien, including pages upon pages on “why Elves look like this and why it matters” and went Hm…. nah.

The CGI may be… okay, but blowing your budget there instead of getting proper costumes feels like they just shoveled their 1 billion dollars right into the fires of Mount Doom.

Not to even talk about how it made me physically cringe and roll my eyes when partnered with the lackluster dialogue and writing (*cough* ep 1 end scene on the boat *cough*). That’s the blatantly boring and obvious symbolism and even weaker execution I expect of a low budget B-movie (which would at least be self aware) or high school theater, not the Most Expensive TV Show Of All Time.

*taps mic*

Dear Amazon, before you blow all the money on (i… I don’t really know what, since none of it looks anything like ~the Most Expensive TV Show Of All Time~) whatever, please, PLEASE make sure you have a script that is worth the paper it’s printed on first.

Idk, maybe I’m being too harsh on this? MAYBE this is actually just a money-laundering scheme and they left the series with a crinkled 100 dollar note while the money ACTUALLY went into burning down rain forests or whatever it is Amazon does these days. Or maybe the producers scammed the company and they were just too ashamed to admit it? Are they being held hostage? (Blink twice if you need help, Amazon.) maybe sounds unrealistic, but not a lot less unrealistic than ‘You gave us one billion dollars, and this* is what we did with it!

(*insert picture of tin foil armor here.)

And all of that is just what I feel personally qualified to speak on because so far making a shit show money burner hurts nobody but Amazon. From here on my opinion might get a little amateur-ish, because I think someone with a sociology/ media degree would do a better job at pointing out how this is fucked up.

If you include POC as characters just because, without reason or logic as a sprinkle-on (not color-blind casting mind you, but literally ‘well, the BLM activist protested so nicely, let them have one character as a treat!’) it means absolutely nothing. This is pretty much the literal definition of tokenism. So what instead? Excluding everybody who is not white? Idk, you spent the literal hundreds of millions to get the copyrights, so it’s your job to FIGURE IT OUT.

But… you know, if you really cared you could give us an actual diverse cast (knock knock Amazon, you might wanna sit down for this shocker; there aren’t just white and black people on this planet).

To finish this, I have one more important thing to say: I just hope the actors do not get caught in the crossfire, because they really tried their best with the script (derogatory) they were given. Like the guy who plays Arondir; from what I know he deeply, deeply cares. And just like us, he deserved a better tv show than this.

[nonbayanary]

Just gonna vent a little about my fic

I'm rereading some parts of my fic and I WANT TO SCREAM AJDHDJDK like, "NO, HIRUMA WOULD NOT SAY THAT???" but it's ME who wrote it and i want to bash my own head in! To my present self, I feel as if my past self mischaracterized Hiruma so much in Chapter 2, and I feel truly ashamed of posting it at its draft stage. (Although I posted it BECAUSE I was sure that if I didn't do it soon, I would delete the whole chapter entirely smh.)

Which is why I feel genuinely shocked sometimes when people say they like my fic hhhhh. Like please don't get me wrong, I'm so so SO GRATEFUL, and I love all the kudos and comments! But sometimes, I'm teary-eyed, like, "Hiruma and Sena are SO mischaracterized here, and yall still love this fic, despite its flaws and shortcomings? AAAAAAAA!!!"

I'd also like to say that now that I'm rereading Sena's dialogue in my fic, I'm screaming, "SENA WOULD NOT SAY THAT!!!" Like ohmygod, WHAT HAVE I DONE, WHY DID I POST THIS???

But also, I can't really blame myself??? I wrote Chapter 2 when I was low on sleep, and ULTRA HIGH on coffee. Like, after working a 9 to 6 job, which is on a COMPUTER, I'd eat dinner, and then continue spending my night hours writing Chapter 2, STILL ON THE COMPUTER. Veins in my eyes would regularly pop, and I'd be typing deep into the night with scattered blood on my sclera.

Because of that, I was almost always sleepy in the daytime. So I'd combat that grogginess with coffee—TOO MUCH COFFEE. In just a few hours, I'd drink three cups of coffee, and top it off with a fourth cup, just to get the inspiration going. And inspiration WOULD come, but I'd be so high that my fingers were shaking. I would feel like I was on a different plane of existence, lile my whole core was vibrating with caffeine. My hands would dance on the keys of my keyboard, as fast as Eyeshield 21 himself. Yet, I'd be so high that I wouldn't even FEEL the keys on my fingers.

I'd be triumphant—but only for a little while. The caffeine crashes afterwards were shit. Inspiration would stop flowing, and I'd just stare at the screen blankly, all blood-red eyeballs and despair-filled gaze, with the knowledge that I ruined my body—and would continue to do so—for one mere fic chapter.

It's understandable that Hiruma and Sena would say shit they wouldn't, because I was high as fuck, and low as shit on logical reasoning.

Still, I can't help but cringe when I reread my fic, the product of several months' worth of sleep deprivation and self-sabotage. Would Hiruma say, "Lead the way"??? Would he say, "Due to certain circumstances, I will be passing away"??? FUCK NO!!! Would Sena say, "And you're the troublemaking son he talks about"????? Would he say, "So you noticed"???? I THINK THE FUCK NOT!!!

But I think all I can do is forgive myself for this misinterpretation of the characters. I'm glad that at least you guys liked this story, misshapen though it is. Maybe one day I'll rewrite this fic, when my circumstances IRL are better. When I'm out of my domestic abuse situation, and when the inspiration finally flows again, because I'm not in a constant state of fight-or-flight every hour.

Perhaps, perhaps.