#(saying that in a demi and ace way not the allo way)

[the-yearning-astronaut]

Do people know there's a difference between:

an aro spec character being "cured" of their aromanticism by their "one true love" by the end of the narrative

And:

An aro spec character who finds one of the few people they happen to click with in an amorous (but not necessarily romantic) way by the end of the narrative

Does anyone understand that aromanticism is a SPECTRUM and that someone writing an aro character finding someone they want to be in a relationship with might be doing so for reasons other than 'curing' them?

And the same thing for ace spec characters! And, you know, actual people.

[agrebel18]

Reblog if Darius Deamonne. 

[findafight]

Accidentally making characters aspec is just reliving adolescence thinking everyone is good friends out to have a fun time and then realizing no...actually at least a third of these people are flirting and or fucking or at least trying to.

Sometimes it's conscious!! Sometimes I see a blorbo and go yes. You! You shall be aspec my child... And other times I write and then reread and go ah. Wait. How do allo people act? Do allo people think like this?? And don't have an answer but it's usually no.

[givemebishies]

Saw a screenshot from El Dorado and I was immediately struck w a headcanon lol

Miguel is demisexual and alloromantic

Tulio is allosexual and demiromantic

[asexual]

How can I tell if I’m aceflux or just have a sex drive? Sometimes I’m really allo and have sexual attraction to strangers. Sometimes I’m really ace and don’t even have sexual attraction to my partners. Sometimes I’m something in between. Is it ok to call myself aceflux? Or is that wrong? And I know you said no discourse but is it discourse if I ask if aceflux counts as queer? I’m queer anyway cuz I’m pan and nonbinary. But don’t know if aceflux is queer too or if only “full” asexuals count.

So before I answer your actual question I wanna acknowledge your no discourse comment — ALL asexual or aromantic spectrum identities are 100% queer by default. When I say no discourse, what I mean is I don’t want anyone coming in to my inbox with Aphobia or trying to argue with me over whether or not a certain orientation is queer enough or not. Like, I’m here to validate aspec people’s queerness, but I’m not here to argue about it with exclusionists. So to answer that…yes, aceflux is queer and if you do feel you might be aceflux, that’s just as queer as you being pan and nb is!

To answer your actual question, I’ll get right to the point of saying there’s nothing wrong whatsoever with identifying as aceflux if you even SOMEWHAT possibly relate to the label. Even if you end up being “wrong” and it’s “just your sex drive” — you haven’t, like, harmed or appropriated actual ace-specs, you know?

but I would say you sound like you could hypothetically be aceflux. While “sometimes fully allo” and “sometimes fully ace” absolutely counts as aceflux, a lot of aceflux ppl will flux ALL around the spectrum — having allo days, ace days, demi days, lith days, gray days, cupio days, aego days, so many things I am forgetting! Is that also a thing for you? I would definitely do some internal searching to see if “fully ace” and “fully allo” are the only things you experience. If there’s more, you can almost definitely claim aceflux. Even if there’s not more, and you truly just switch between ace and allo, you still can call yourself aceflux of course, I just wanted to give more context!!

Differentiating between libido and attraction can be really difficult. Generally I’d say a libido is about IF you’re experiencing desire at all, and sexual attraction is about WHO you’re attracted to. So for example, someone who’s completely allo will, generally speaking, ALWAYS experience sexual attraction in SOME way. Even if they don’t actively want sex at the moment. I’m not saying allos are horny 24/7 or anything, and Im not implying aces are never horny. But a general rule of thumb is that an allo person is always capable of feeling sexual *attraction* even if they don’t actively want it all the time. so based on what you told me you could likely fit the aceflux label if that’s what feels right to you. even if you’re still unsure — why not just try it out? :) Publicly or privately identify as aceflux for awhile, maybe get some pride merch or at least something in the aceflux flag colors. See if it feels right to you. And if it doesn’t feel right, is it because the label is wrong, or is it because you possibly have internalized aphobia? Which if you do — no shame, as we all deal with that in some way, sadly. But I would recommend trying on the label and seeing how you feel after publicly or even just privately identifying as such.

[scretladyspider]

Demisexuality exists under the asexuality spectrum because it describes an experience of rare, conditional sexual attraction which only occurs under the circumstances of a close bond. While it’s true many people don’t know they’re demisexual, not everyone is demisexual.

((btw if you like this please reblog this crowdfunding post!!! It’s time sensitive. please and thank you!))

Asexuality, under which demisexuality is housed, describes an experience of little to no sexual attraction. Aces (short for the asexuality spectrum, also abbreviated as acespec) may or may not be aromantic - meaning they may or may not experience little to no romantic attraction. Allosexual means someone isn’t ace, and alloromantic means someone isn’t aro (similar shorthand for aromantic spectrum, also abbreviated as arospec). Here when I say “allo(s)” I will be referring to example persons who are both alloromantic and allosexual.

Demisexuals don’t have sexual attraction at all to anyone without a close bond. It is also only felt towards that person because of the circumstances required to experience sexual attraction. The sexual attraction here doesn’t happen outside of these conditions.

This isn’t the same as experiencing sexual attraction regularly (as an allosexual, not ace, person) but choosing not to act on it before emotional trust is established. Sexual attraction and action can be intertwined, but they don’t have to be.

People always think “sexual attraction and action aren’t the same” is about asexuality and sex favorable aces— and it absolutely can be. But I think most of the time it applies to allosexuals, who don’t act on most sexual attraction they experience, as it’s part of everyday life. I think this is why so many allos don’t understand that demisexuals truly don’t experience sexual attraction at all to anyone until a close bond, if then. They see “oh, that person, like me, waited to have sex until there was trust. Sexual attraction here must mean having sex.”

For the demisexual, sexual attraction is a new, distinct experience, as it only occurs under a specific bond. If a demi is alloromantic and attraction forms towards a romantic partner, it may appear that the act of sex is tied to romantic love, or ‘waiting for the right person’.

This ‘proves’ to the allo, who doesn’t understand that the demisexual didn’t have sexual attraction at all before a bond with the person in question, that demisexuality is about waiting for the right person, but experiencing sexual attraction regularly, as they do. The allo is also assuming the demisexual “just needed to meet the right person”. But the demisexual is only experiencing sexual attraction to the person in question, and not in the everyday manner that the allo is describing in their dismissal of demisexuality. Here the allo is projecting their own experience of waiting to have sex onto what the demisexual is trying so hard to describe. The allo ironically believes action and attraction must be linked, and simultaneously that everyone has sexual attraction (is allosexual).

The reason has to do with allonormativity, amatanormativity, and compulsory sexuality. Both the demi and the allo have been taught that everyone has romantic and sexual attraction, that whether it’s okay to have casual sex is gendered, and that most people don’t have casual sex. To the allo outside looking in, there isn’t any need to differentiate the experience when sex is finally had, because they were just waiting to be in love to have sex. The demisexual isn’t different from them in any way whatsoever in this view because everyone has sexual attraction they don’t act on.

This misunderstanding is also often gendered, specifically in a way that’s cisheterosexist and that reflects ideas of purity culture - namely that all women* wait to have sex and don’t really want or enjoy it, all men* need sex, and that women exist to provide sexual pleasure. (*men and *women are used here to demonstrate the false idea where gender can only align with sex designated at birth. This ignores that presentation doesn’t equal gender and that trans and nonbinary people do exist. This transphobia is common with those who dismiss asexuality).

Asexuality and demisexuality also force the allo to consider that some people they find attractive will never feel the same way, which is a painful ego blow, as part of allonormativity is that someone’s worth is tied to whether they are sexually attractive to other people.

These misunderstandings are a result of not wanting to challenge that internal status quo. People will do anything to keep from being uncomfortable, even if it’s hurting them. But these misunderstandings don’t erase the spectrum of asexuality, or that demisexuals exist within it.

There are people who will never experience sexual attraction. There are people who don’t experience sexual attraction at all unless they form a particular close bond with another person. It’s not about allos, and many allos get very offended about that. But being ace, no matter if sexual attraction is ever felt, or if the ace is favorable towards participating in sex, is not about allos. It’s just not. Being ace is a fundamentally different way of experiencing and interacting with a world in which sexual attraction is expected.

This doesn’t mean that waiting to have sex is wrong. This is to say that there is a fundamental difference in waiting to have sex and not experiencing sexual attraction except under a select circumstance, and then only experiencing it in that limited way. Asexuality and everything housed with in it, including demisexuality, will challenge how you think about sex and sexual attraction. That will not be comfortable. But consider that it’s not about you. Because if everyone were demisexual, we would live in a very different world.

[42-clocks]

💚 a zine on aromanticism 💚

^an informational zine on aromanticism I made for Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week

feel free to share/print!

(pages and image IDs after the break)

Image ID 1: the front and back cover. The front cover reads, “informational zine — Aromantic: What Does That Mean? — by Peter Z.”

there are two simple arrow shapes between lines of the text pointing in opposite directions.

The middle of the page has a long stripe with the colors of the aromantic flag, which extends to the back cover. the back cover side lists what each of the colors represent: green — aromanticism; light green — the aromantic spectrum; white — platonic and aesthetic attraction; gray — gray-romanticism and demi-romanticism; black — the sexuality spectrum.

The back page reads, “more resources!

TAAAP.org

Aro Spec Week.com

gsrc.princeton.edu (SAM)

aromanticism.org (AUREA)

Elizabeth Brake (aromanticism)

Aggressively Aro Spec Tumblr

Aromantic Guide.com”

End text. Two gray silhouettes of lily flowers act as embellishment. End ID 1.

Image ID 2: pages 1 and 2 of the zine.

Page 1: “Aromantic — or just ‘aro’ for short — refers to someone who experiences little to no romantic attraction to anyone — or experiences it in a different way than others. Alloromantic is the opposite — one who does have romantic attraction.” The text is green and dark teal with light green boarders around the sections.

Page 2: small letters says “this might help to understand” and arrow points to the title “Split Attraction Model” — “a way of understanding attraction by separating it into types: sexual, romantic, platonic, alterous, aesthetic, etc.

“Sexual Orientations: bisexual, heterosexual, asexual. Romantic Orientations: biromantic, heteroromantic, aromantic. — sometimes they match, sometimes they don’t! Words like biromantic and heteroromantic commonly refer to both S. O. and R. O.” End ID 2.

Image ID 3: pages 3 and 4.

Page 3: titled “A-spec Community”. Below is a Venn diagram, the left circle labeled “aro”, the right circle “ace”, the overlap space “aro ace”, this is all within a larger circle labeled “a-spec”.

“Aromantic is not the same as Asexual (little to no Sexual Attraction to anyone at all). The identities and communities are related but distinct”

Page 4: titled “Myths” with dark teal flower silhouettes on either side. Myths include “hates all romance, childish “late bloomer”, not LGBTQ+, unemotional, wants to be alone, can’t be in a relationship, afraid of commitment, can’t also be gay/hetero/etc” End ID 3.

Image ID 4: pages 5 and 6.

Page 5: “Are you aro? some common experiences: made up crushes, flirting doesn’t make sense, hard to identify romantic feelings, dating isn’t a priority, don’t like romance heavy media, dating because you’re “supposed to”, rarely if ever “fall in love”, don’t have celebrity crushes. *these are not exclusive to aros though!”

Page 6: the top of the page has the shape of an umbrella, the text inside reads “the Aromantic umbrella”. The body has four microlabel examples;

“Gray-romantic — romantic attraction rarely or weakly.” Next to it is a small rectangular flag with 5 horizontal stripes: green, gray, white, gray, green.

“Demi-romantic — romantic attraction only after a bond has formed.” Rectangular flag with a wide white stripe, narrow green, and wide gray stripe, and a black triangle on the left side.

“Allo-aro — allosexual and aromantic, no romantic attraction, has sexual attraction.” Rectangular flag with even horizontal stripes: green, light green, white, yellow, dark yellow.

“Aro-ace — aromantic and asexual, no romantic or sexual attraction.” Rectangular flag with even stripes: orange, yellow, white, light blue, dark blue. End ID.

[bloggingboutburgers]

Just been going through your tumblr and think it's great 😊

Saw a little comic you did about what non ace/aro and ace/aro think rejecting someone romantically is like.

A great insight for all!

I think that will help a lot of people understand something that can be really emotionally charged.

I think people take the rejection personally when it really isn't about that.

I'm sorry you've experienced those thoughts and feelings.

I'm demi and have had close friends who I really believed were my friends then abandoned and even turned against me when they found out I wasn't interested in dating them.

Here's the thing, though: the right people, they won't think those things in that comic.

Don't believe me?

I can prove it!

Last summer, I was on the receiving end of the rejection. My friend isn't sure about his label or identity. From our hearts to hearts, I'd say he's ace or aro, but I was only made aware of this after I confessed romantic feelings and was rejected because he doesn't really feel attraction to anyone.

I can 100 percent say I did not think any of those things in your comic. Think they were:

‘Being friends isn't enough, will never go all the way, doesn't see me as worth more,can't really love me.’

Nope, nope, nope and nope.

I was a little surprised, I was a bit disappointed, but mostly I felt bad for making him feel uncomfortable. Because he is my friend, because I love him for who is, because I want to see him happy, because I know he deeply values me and our friendship.

We now understand each other much better, and are back to being our most silly goofy selves together.

I know he loves me as much as i love him. If that love is only ever platonic then that's fine, what matters is that it's there, it's honest and real. I asked to date him because I wanted more time with him, to find out more, to go deeper, and that is what we are doing as friends.

I understand we are the minority, but we work because with the right people, it just works.

I've discovered that by accepting and embracing who I am, I have attracted people into my life who fit, which is something I didn't believe was possible. It's not easy, I've done a lot of hurting and healing, but it's worth it for those real connections.

This was not meant to undermine the point of your comic, like I said, the majority of my experiences have been similar and I thought it was really helpful. But just a positive message to say, keep being you and the right people will find you along the way 👍

Thank you for sharing this!^^ Of course not everyone will take things that way, hopefully that's not the full takeaway people take from that comic of mine, and your story is proof that thankfully there's grounds for hope for everyone to find the right people... And by that I of course don't mean "right person" in an allo/amatonormative manner, but the right people to vibe with and be happy with in general, regardless of what the nature of their bond is.

Again thanks so much... Y'know, being how you are to your friend to begin with, and for the hopeful message^^

[dolceaspidenera]

Okay guys, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I don't want to stir up drama and this is not why I write this, but I really, really need to get this off of my chest.

Yes, we are back discussing ace/demi headcanons for Astarion.

First thing first: people are allowed to headcanon whatever character they want as whatever the hell they want.

I read a post on here basically saying that Astarion should be the last character to be headcanoned as ace/demi because he is a character who is "reclaiming his own sexuality" - yes, and? Demi or ace people don't do that? Are they somehow exempted from any type of trauma regarding sex? Are we really making these arguments?

My favorite part though ought to be the one about Wyll being the most suited for these headcanons because he prefers "dancing over sex and waits for the marriage to have sex".

Huh.

So glad this is how asexuality is perceived, thanks.

What the heck does having sex after marriage have to do with being ace/demi? Can someone explain it to me?

Look, Wyll is an amazing character with lots of positive characteristics, but he is not an alternative to Astarion and shouldn't be treated that way.

Do you really want to know why lots of people headcanon Astarion as demi/ace? Because he resonates more with them. Simple as that. Not because he is white and Wyll is not, not because of some inherent form of hate or bigotry. He just resonates more.

And do you know why?

BECAUSE PEOPLE UNDER THE ACE SPECTRUM CAN BE VICTIMS OF ABUSE AS WELL.

Because we too wrestle with claiming our own sexuality, because we too experience being oversexualized against our desires.

On top of that, being ace doesn't mean being chaste, a virgin, or someone that necessarily will wait until after marriage to have sex!

You can be ace and embrace your sensuality, you can be ace and love to wear slutty outfits because fuck yes, it's my body and I do whatever the hell I want with it.

Do you know which other incredible sex icons other than Astarion are headcanoned as ace? Freakin' Jessica Rabbit and Barbie (from the 2023 film). You know, the most sexy characters ever. Because guess what? Ace people can be sexy too.

I'm sure the person who wrote the original post didn't have any ill intentions but damn, if you don't know what you are talking about, don't drag ace and demi into your comments.

This is also valid for trans headcanons btw, but I'll leave this whole topic to someone else who has more direct experience on it.

The point is: let people headcanon whatever the hell they want, there isn't a character "more suited", and there are plenty of reasons why people resonate more with a character over another.

Headcanons of Wyll as demi/ace are awesome,

Headcanons of Wyll as allo and very princely are awesome,

Headcanons of Wyll as trans are awesome,

Headcanons of Astarion as demi/ace are awesome,

Headcanons of Astarion as allo are awesome,

Headcanons of Astarion as trans are awesome.

[drarrily-we-row-along]

Hey everyone.

Maybe some of you have noticed that my writing's been super sporadic since like June (if you haven't that's very okay) but I just wanted to write a little bit about what's been happening in my life because it's had a pretty big impact on my writing.

It turns out that I'm actually ace.

So, if you happen to notice an uptick in me writing fics with ace characters who still get to be loved, I'm just trying to process a thing.

Please feel free to skip the rest of this post if you're not interested in the harrowing journey of self discovery. I am absolutely giving too much information about my life, I'm just really working at processing everything and I'm hoping writing it out will help. And honestly, there have been some beautiful souls in the Tumblr community who have given me some beautiful encouragement (including but not limited to @basicallyahedgehog who answered an anon ask I sent them the other day with so much kindness and encouragement because I'd bawled my eyes out about one of their fics featuring ace Harry/Draco.).

(Anyway. If you want to read a ramble about all of the things I'm struggling with at the present moment, I'm gladly accepting advice and kindness at this time. Please read below the cut and chime in if you have anything hopeful to add.)

For most of my life I've pretty comfortably called myself a "picky bi" and in the past couple of years have labeled myself "demisexual" because I'm not sex repulsed; I've had sex, it was fine/good when it's with someone who I'm in love with. I moved on from the labeling, content with the label I'd given myself and whatnot.

It's been a minute (read: 8+ years) since I've been in a relationship that got to the point where I've considered having sex but I didn't really think all that much of it. In retrospect, I think this is largely because I've grown a lot in terms of self respect and honoring my own autonomy. Somewhere around 25, I started saying no when I didn't want something and if the other person didn't respect that decision they were not worth my time.

Anyway, it didn't really occur to me that perhaps going nearly a decade without thinking about/wanting to have sex with anyone (and without experiencing even vague aesthetic attraction to someone with only the odd exception here and there- some of you saw that post a couple of months ago, apparently just having the thought that someone is pretty isn't the same as attraction that allo people experience- so that panic now seems pretty unnecessary. It literally boggles my mind that people can just see a person they've never met and want to have sex with them. Anyway, I'm digressing.) Apparently, it's not a common occurrence even among demisexuals to go that long without thinking about sex if you have emotional intimacy with people (which I do). So fast forward to June when I went to a conference for lgbtqia christians and started listening to people talk about attraction.

To say that my experience of attraction and desire for sex is profoundly different than that of nearly all of the people that I talked to at that conference would be an understatement.

After that conference, I started talking to a lot of friends about their experience of attraction and their desire for sex (eventually this also included some new friends who are demi/ace) and have been a little flabbergasted by their responses. Suddenly, in light of the fact that my body doesn't interpret a lot of things the way that other peoples' seem to, a lot of things started to make sense.

I've been called a flirt (at best, and a [cock]tease in more unpleasant moments) my entire life because I always want to give people gentle physical affection; I love holding hands, touching people on the arm while we're having a conversation, playing with peoples' hair, hugging, leaning, the list is long- none of those things have ever felt like flirting to me. Every one of those actions was the end in itself, there was no artifice in my touches, no desire or even thought for more, but APPARENTLY that is not the thing that happens in a lot of peoples' bodies. It is incomprehensible to me that simple, affectionate touches are not something that everyone just wants to do to anyone that they harbor platonic affection for. This also applies to the way that I communicate with people. Again, I've been called a flirt, been told that I'm intense, been told that I'm trying to 'steal' peoples' boy/girl friends simply by being friends with them. APPARENTLY, showing "too much" interest in other peoples' lives and hobbies is flirting. APPARENTLY, getting really excited for people who are excited and doing cool things is flirting. Because (or so I have been told) the emotional energy I expend is too much to just be friends; surely, I have another angle.

Next, in terms of attraction, I experience attraction to beautiful things in nature in the same way that I experience it to people. If I'm being honest, nature makes my heart sing in a way that people usually don't. I can get caught up in the beauty of the world; the vastness of the ocean for literal hours, in the majesty of the mountains, the strength of trees, the way water carves a path through the rocks in glens and waterfalls. The world takes my breath away, it makes me weep just to exist in nature. Apparently, this in not everyone's experience of nature and apparently, many people who want to have sex don't think that trees, or bodies of water, or mountains have as much (or more, in my humble opinion) appeal than humans.

It's come to my attention that even the way that I have experienced heart break from relationships where I was "in love" and having sex is not the way that people typically experience heartbreak. All heart break feels the same to me; grieving leaving a job, grieving the death of a loved one, grieving horrible things that happen to my students, grieving the loss of friendships, and grieving the loss of a relationship feel like the same heart break. (Like some of those things hurt worse than others but the heart break over the loss of a relationship isn't worse.) One of my friends mentioned that I grieve the passing of summer into autumn (I fucking hate the winter) like the loss of a relationship and I wish I could say that she is wrong. I've been told my whole life that I experience my emotions too big and I just can't help but wonder if there is some sort of correlation there, but I digress.

The literal dream for my life is to have someone who wants to get in the car or on a plane and travel with me. Someone who I can make coffee for in the mornings and who wants to cook me dinner at night. Someone who wants to sit on the couch after a long day at work and talk about nothing, or watch a show, or just exist together. Someone who wants to dance with me in the kitchen, and hold my hand while we walk, who wants to smile at me while I ramble about nature. I want someone who wants to hold me when I cry, who wants to listen to me when I'm mad, someone who will remind me to take a break when I'm working too hard. The only thing that I actually want from a partner is just someone to do life with. It's not that I'm opposed to sex, it's just that it literally doesn't matter.

(So many things in past relationships, so many fights, so many of the reasons that I was left, so many things that I JUST DIDN'T UNDERSTAND make sense now. Or at least they're starting to.)

So. In the process of understanding this complete fuckery, of trying to put all of the pieces that haven't quite made sense in my life into order, in the end of July my best friend told me that she's in love with me.

And on the one hand, I'm fucking over the moon, delighted, honored, speechless, crazy-happy. She's literally the best person I have ever known, she's the kindest, sweetest, most loyal, loving, amazing human being to ever exist. She loves me so well, so completely, like all of the things that I said above that are my dream; that is her. We road trip together, and she lets me braid her hair, and we snuggle on the couch and watch movies, and we talk for hours (literally hours, when we road trip we go for 7-10 days at a time and I like do not shut the fuck up for more than like 5 minutes total the entire day and she loves me; loves listening to me talk about whatever is in my brain), and when I'm going on and on about how pretty things are in nature she looks at me like I'm the pretty thing (when I say, 'oh my gosh. that mountain, tree, lake, ocean, etc. is so beautiful.' she literally says 'you're so beautiful' and I am deceased, my heart can't take it, I can't fucking stop smiling- I don't even want to), and she lets me info dump about whatever I'm learning, and she loves my brain and my stupid adhd, and she plays me sappy love songs and sings them to me (and she sings in my car, sings to me even though she doesn't sing in front of people) and and and... she makes me feel like I'm good. She makes me feel like I'm all of the things that other people have said I'm not.

And I am constantly terrified of hurting her.

There are a variety of reasons we're not planning on having sex (partially because it's not really something that I want) that I'm not going to get into but I'm afraid of being what I've been to other people. I'm afraid of her feeling like I'm pushing her buttons because I just always want to be touching her (very platonically) like just having our shoulders bumping while we walk, or putting my head on her shoulder when we're on the couch, or letting our elbows press against one another while we're in the car. BUT what happens in our bodies when we're touching like that is really different. Like I described above, for me any type of touch is really the end goal in and of itself (if I'm braiding her hair, it's safe to assume that that is all I want to be doing. If I'm leaning against her on the couch, that too is what I'm wanting.) But that's not always how her body wants to interpret touch, even if she logically knows that I'm not intentionally teasing (she would never say that she feels like I'm trying to tease her, for the record, it's just the easiest way for me to articulate what it feels like could be happening).

And I love her so much, like so much; I'd do anything for her but it's not the same kind of love that she feels for me. By which I mean that she is just really gay and actively attracted to me emotionally/physically but for me if she started dating someone else, I'd be actually fine with that. If she was dating/having sex with someone I wouldn't be jealous, as long as we still get to be friends. (And maybe her dating would necessarily change the dynamic of our friendship and that would be really hard but that's a different mental exercise.) This isn't the way that she feels.

She is so special and important to me but even the way that we are aware of the other person's presence is different. For me, if I'm in a group of people and she's there, I'm aware of that on some level but it's not at the forefront of my mind. My brain is always sort of 'triaging' the people around me when they're my friends; who's being too quiet? who has been going through a rough patch with work/family, etc? who has an exciting new thing they need someone to squeal about with them? who hasn't been included in the conversation in too long? (see the paragraph above about flirting. haha.) She's there but she often isn't the first person I'm thinking about because I talk to her almost every day, I get to love her every day, and odds are good that we either drove together or will talk on the phone our way home from the event- I see the other people there less, so my brain just prioritizes them since I have less time to love them. (This is actually really good, healthy progress for me in terms of healthy attachment and not forming a codependent relationship. My therapist and I are really proud of the work I'm doing, but I'm digressing again.) For her, though, she always knows exactly where I am. It is work for her to pay attention to other conversations, work to be in a different room. In most situations, I am the person she defaults to thinking about and wanting to be near and she has to actively choose other things if she wants to. (And I don't mean to sound like an absolute asshole, it's not like I ignore her or anything, and I'm delighted for us to be in the same conversations, it's just a different way that we engage with the world.)

I love her so much. And I'm afraid of messing everything up. Of hurting her. Of asking too much of her without asking for anything at all. I try to let her be the one to initiate physical touch (or I ask first) because sometimes it's too hard on her body and that's fair. I feel frustrated with the different ways that we experience love for each other because the way that she loves me feels so good and safe to me and it makes me feel so happy. I'm afraid that the way that I love her doesn't feel as nice for her, that it feels less than, that the way I express my love and devotion isn't as good. I'm afraid that the way she loves me is going to wear her out. She always says she knows I love her just as much as she loves me, it's just different. She says she's okay, she says that the way I love her is good for her and she's happy. But it's hard to believe.

I'm afraid that she'll fall in love with someone else who can love her the way she loves and I won't matter to her anymore (partially because that's been my experience of people who have said they're in love with me). I'm afraid.

Is it even fair to entertain the idea of maybe having a whole life together? (we're already entertaining the ideas, already daydreaming about 'what if we lived together', where we're going on our next road trip, etc. And I'm terrified.) Is it asking her to give up too much? I would spend the rest of my life with her. I'd be good and kind to her, I would love her with so much tenderness. But is it enough? Am I enough with just the things that I have to give? Is it actually possible for someone to love me for just me and not for the ways that I could contort myself to be something I'm not?

I recognize the irony in what I'm asking. I know that that's what all of these hundreds of stories I've written here say, it's what I want to believe. But is it even possible when it's reality?

I don't know. Does anyone have any good advice? Any ace people out there living with a person who's in love with them? Does anyone have something that's lasted?

[aceadmiral]

i actually would be incredibly interested in reading even just a list of everything that was wrong with 'a quick and easy guide'

Oh, boy, I'm not even sure I could make a list of everything that was wrong with it... but you know I will try! :3

Factual Errors

The Demi flags on the cover have the wrong size stripes. Yes, you read right: this book is so bad, even the cover is wrong

They define the "asexual spectrum" to mean sex-averse/indifferent/favorable???

And then they call sex-favorable "sex-charmed"?????? And also "sex-enthused"

And they equate being gray-a to being sex favorable in some way, which is. Certainly a take.

They make a chart of "the Split Attraction Model" (already problematic) that's the first cartesian quadrant with an x-axis labeled "Romance" and a y-axis labeled "Sexual" and then put the tiniest, tiniest little circle around (0,0) to say that's where aroaces are.

There's a weird Pride and Prejudice metaphor that I think is incorrect to the source material, but I'm not an Austen expert and I see inexplicable P&P references more often than one would imagine, so we can let this one slide....

Bad Writing/Praxis

They say: "If you're not asexual, you're allosexual, be you gay, straight, or anywhere on the spectrum." Uhhhhh last I checked, people on the asexual spectrum are asexual. Or, this could just be really poorly written. They come back later to say that there are "just ace people and allo people" though.

They say that asexuality means not experiencing sexual attraction and nothing else—which is at odds with the way most community members actually define it

They also clumsily hit the talking point about "being ace doesn't stop me from from wanting to have a loving relationship or a family"

In fact, they hit a lot of cliché talking points, including some that have been criticized, but I guess... that's not... a crime....

There's an exploration of asexual "stereotypes" that I found to be confusing and incomplete

They call sex a "basic human need" which... is not helping

There's a conversation about whether or not aces are welcome in "LGBTQIA+" spaces, which didn't sit right with me, but also.... consult the acronym you have used.........

They call the OED "English's Boss," which I take exception to because no dictionary is the boss of English!!

Overall lack of nuance and accepts normative framing instead of challenging it.

Also, this book is only 72 pages long, and also a comic. So if you do the math, I was hitting on something that made me upset on nearly every page. Like, I don't deny I can be nit-picky and also a crab, but please believe me this book was egregiously misinformed. I hope this is helpful to you, or at least amusing 😔🙏 Thank you for the ask!

[dazedpuppydairies]

Over a year ago, I discovered the term rat ace, which is the asexual specific equivalent to bambi lesbian and I liked it, so I posted it in my discord server which led to my friends girlfriend at the time starting a fight with me. The definition of rat ace is “A rat ace (or rat asexual) is an asexual individual who prefers cuddles, hugs, kisses, and other affectionate and even sensual non-sexual acts over sexual acts.” This confused my friend (who is also asexual) because he thought it was implying that those things are usually sexual and I clarified that wasn't the case. The whole idea of rat ace really confused him because he figured that's just all ace people at default. I expressed it's probably a more useful term for sex favorable asexual like myself and me calling myself a sex favorable asexual upset his at the time girlfriend. Important note about this person is that she's not asexual or a-spec in general. Despite me explaining that sex favoritble is the term that most of the ace community uses to describe being okay with sex or enjoying sex despite not experiencing sexual attraction she kept insisting that I wasn't asexual. She also kept saying that it sounded like demisexuality which was really frustrating me because one I'm not demisexual, two being demi is a completely different thing to being sex favorable, and three demisexuals are ace. I felt extremely violated by the situation, especially because it happened in my own server. My friend was also my servers mod at the time and favorited her despite recognizing he should have taken action because she was his girlfriend. After a lot of arguing he told me she was sorry and that she has a lot of asexual friends, really cares about ace people, and can't stand misinformation on asexuality because it hurts the people she loves. I wasn't really taking this as an excuse because I'm ace and she's not. Then later on when I posted an ace meme I found on Reddit in my own server she got upset because she felt like I was calling her out. After this incident I hadn't really thought much of rat ace, but I still like it and bambi lesbian. I think rat ace is a neat way to express experiencing sensual attractions as an ace person. For a lot of allo folks sexual attraction and sensual attraction tend to be very connected, but I experience it completely separate. Sex in itself can be a nice way to interact with sensual attraction because it's a very sensual experience, but I prefer non-sexual acts of sensual affection. So this has been my rat ace coming out post /light-hearted

[sharpth1ng]

You think Billy ever discovers the ace and aro spectrums?

So as far as I know the term "asexual" was coined in the 1897 (wow?? so early?), while the term "aromatic" was only first coined in 2005 (how?? feels wild that its that recent?). Even with the relative oldness of the term "asexual" I wouldn't say it broke out of academic and feminist circles and into more mainstream, accessible vocabulary until the 2000's after online communities had started to grow around it in the very late 90's.

While it probably would have done him a world of good, I can't really see Billy spend time in queer internet spaces so I don't think these terms would become something he's even aware of until later on. Also because I don't see Billy as entirely lacking sexual and romantic attraction I think it would take time for him to understand his experience as being on the spectrum. It took me a really long time to understand my identity that way as well, I just assumed that because I experience and desire these things at all then I can't identify that way, and it took more research and talking with aro and/or ace folks to understand.

Like really though, the way I see Billy is as some sort of grey/demiromantic & demisexual, and honestly? It's very confusing to be this way, especially as an autistic person! At least for me lmao. It took so long for me to figure out if I even was experiencing these types of attraction because I felt like I was supposed to, so I just did anything I could to understand myself as allo. I was allo but just picky, or I was allo but just introverted, allo but just autistic ect. And because I thought I was allo I didn't bother to investigate any further for a really long time. Other labels that ring true to me are autiaro/autiace, because similarly I don't know how to understand my sexual and romantic attraction outside of my autism.

So with Billy I'd say maybe he'll come to identify himself with these kinds of labels someday, but I think he's also not super likely to do the research. That said I do think that he will come to understand his sexual and romantic attraction in this way, even if he doesn't have those labels to apply to it.

Billy's demisexuality specifically is going to be something he's discovering and navigating over the next several chapters of WoM. He has a high libido but it's all directed at Stu and he's going to have to come face to face with that fact. Billy won't be using ace/aro terms specifically because he doesn't have access to them, but he is going to come to understand himself as someone who needs a specific kind of connection to experience sexual and romantic attraction.

I'll say it though: Debaser Billy is demisexual. He's also some flavor of grey or demi-aro.

[stillfrownyclownlol]

Lgbtqia+ hcs because I don't know if I'm gonna make it till June lmao (or, if I'm gonna live after it since I'm planning on wearing my flags In public 🤡)

Tw for csa mentions (because why don't I keep projecting huh)

Ashlyn Banner

-She/Her but in a "never thought about pronouns her entire life" kinda way. Doesn't mind they/them. She likes dressing masc/feeling masc, but doesn't really like being "perceived" as masc. Like...masc on her own time lmao. (I'm projecting so hard rn). "Gender neutral" kinda- like agender- but like in a "I don't care about my gender at all I just am more used to the gender they assigned me at birth"

-Demi rose 🌹 I'm also projecting here. Takes her a while to come into her feelings, but maybe that's the "never had friends ever" coming through.

Aiden Clark

-he/him but like he won't care if you use smth else for him lol. Cis gnc kinda guy eyyyyy (better in heels than ashlyn)

-unlabeled and that's how he likes it, nobody's business who he likes kissing lol. I feel like he's kissed a guy before just to try it. On the aro-allo spectrum ngl.

Ben Clark

-He/Him, is fine with They/Them. Honestly likes getting called She/Her too but she's been pretty shy about mentioning it :") Taylor likes doing her makeup if they're having a "femme-day". Settled on genderfluid/genderflux after a while.

-Greyromantic Caedsexual (Ace). Shane was part of a group of slightly older kids, and when he was getting bullied Shane and some other kids sexually assaulted him multiple times...technically was a queer assault since Ben was seen as a sissy because his personality and hobbies were "feminine", and this was to goad him into having a physical reaction :/

Taylor Hernández

(Ngl I'm so annoyed there's not more colors but whatever)

-She/Her and They/Them, identified as cis for a long time since it was what they knew, but once she learned more about it she experimented with her gender a lot more, they identified as non-binary for a while before moving to paragirl.

-Pan to aro/ace pipeline because I'm projecting :) she didn't really handle it well at the beginning, but Ben, Ash and Aiden are all also a-spec so she had a lot of support ^_^ They felt "invalid" because of the csa they went through when they were younger and they thought it was more like a trauma response than their actual sexuality. After talking with Ben about it tho she understood that even if they were related that didn't make her any less valid.

Tyler Hernández

-He/Him cis guy I'm sorry/lh

-was kinda annoying about queer people because actually being raised as a Catholic Mexican boy makes you kinda weird (IM SORRY THIS IS JUST FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE) BUT he gets better I promise

-Bisexual boyfailure and took him crushing on Logan to accept it 🤡

Logan Fields

-He/Him and a bit of a stickler about it because he gets misgendered rather frequently (less as he got older but still), doesn't mind getting called gendered terms tho (Taylor calls him "sis", and he calls himself an "Astrology girl")

-intersex, found out when he was 15ish since his puberty had been delayed, and he's really insecure about it...🙃 he was assigned male at birth so he wouldn't say he's trans, but his experiences overlap a fair bit. Takes testorone and medication because he has low electrolytes. I could write a whole essay here but I have to go soon 😭

-Gay :> He realized pretty quickly but he's intensely scared of people finding out, has only told his grandparents. They took it very well ^_^ His grandpa has some gay friends so sometimes Logan goes to the senior center to talk with them about stuff :)

[queer-questions-and-polls]

How do you differentiate being aro/ace from being scared of intimacy/dysphoric/ being not being attracted to a specific gender

And also

What do you think the differences between qpr and allo relationships are?

Like Qpr's can still have kissing and sex and everything right?

(sorry, this is coming from a really, REALLY confused transmasc person who's trying to figure out how I identify)

I'm going to be honest dude, I'm going to try to answer this but I'm in the same boat as you.

Now, for your first question, I'm not actually sure? Because for me I have a mix. I'm demi aroace, which basically means: I can't fall in love or have sexual intimacy with a person without a long established friendship first. And i really only diffracte it because I'm in a relationship.

Like I'm having a sexualty crisis because maybe I'm actually bi and not straight??? So yeah idk with the first one either bro.

Now, #2 the difference? Would be romantic feeling which honestly from what I learned the best way to difference platonic vs romantic is to listen to a love song and imagine it's you directing it at them.

Ok, #3 absolutely they can still have sex, kissing, snuggling all that jazz, I'd say the difference is romantic feelings but again I'm not that knowledgeable on that topic.

(Sorry if this was really long and for taking a while to get to it)

[rocketturtle4]

Aceness in BL: Let’s go for a Ramble

(I made this post soon after Be My Favorite finished but shadowbanning has delayed the posting) - I'm Freeee (@plantsarepeopletoo @shouldiusemyname)

So, I’ve been thinking more and more about aceness in BL (mainly BL anyway), and to get my thought’s in order I thought I’d make a post.

This post is NOT intended as a blanket rule in literally any context. It is specifically about how 1. I frame aceness in my head based on very surface level research and my own experience and how 2. I apply that to a few characters (In BL) who, to me, have felt acespec.

This post will cover

A brief overview of how I understand the acespectrum (with reference to aesthetic, romantic and sexual attraction)

How I view demisexuality as a kind of doorway (with reference to my own deminess)

How I feel five characters (Ae from Love by Chance, Arthrit from SOTUS & SOTUS S, Kat from The Warp Effect (yes not BL but whatevs), Kawi from Be My Favorite and Khai from the Warp Effect) might fall on these spectrums. (THIS WILL INCLUDE SPOILERS)

A wrap up on acepectrum, transient identities, and labels

First Up the Ace-Spectrum!

(How I frame aceness in my head)

Aesthetic attraction = I really want to just stare at this person, they so pretty

Romantic attraction = I want to have this person with me, I want to hold them close and see them daily and talk to them about everything, also I want to cuddle and sleep together (maybe idk this is the attraction I am vaguest on)

Sexual attraction = I want to have sex with this person, I want to personally bang this person, I stare at this person and think about what it would be like to kiss them with tongue and push them against walls and have them underneath/on top of me. (This isn’t necessarily at like 100% all the time I think)

Kapish?

Romantic and Sexual attraction are both spectrums (obvs) and in my head they go from

Allo (100%) <------- to --------> Ace/Aro (0%) with the percentage reflective of how frequently you find people attractive, (I don’t think 100% is everybody all the time though).

So theoretically anyone not at 100% for either romantic or sexual attraction might identify as acespec, though I IMAGINE most people over perhaps, 30% feel attraction often enough that they don’t consider it, so for headcannon purposes I’m considering under 30% as ace or aro.

Sometimes people might consider themselves grey-ace (or grey-aro) if they fall within the more middling but still low percentages (say 15-50%,) So they experience attraction to individuals on occasion, but less frequently than typical. (But, again any label that people identify with is true for them)

Framing Demisexuality as a doorway

Demisexuality is, to me (in brief), not experiencing sexual attraction prior to the development of strong emotional/intellectual/romantic feelings (also can feel like a significant jump rather than completely 0-100, for me it’s almost like a switch on/off, but it can be gradual too)

Demiromantic people don’t experience romantic feelings for people unless there’s a strong emotional bond in place. (Same caveats as above)

The demi-doorway doesn’t automatically open the moment bonds/romantic feelings are developed, it’s simply that these feelings DON’T occur without the bond first. An alloromantic demisexual person MAY develop sexual feelings for someone they like romantically, but they also may not.

Personally, I consider myself demisexual and demiromantic because (based on 1.5 data points (data points = people), which is really not enough evidence) after bonds are formed both my romantic and sexual interest about a specific person jump up to allo. My deminess also feels tied to the way the changing/wavering of these emotional bonds also closes the door really quickly?? (So I can become abruptly not attracted to someone anymore if my romantic feelings/emotions are gone/destabilised, let me tell you it is weird to experience)

The lines around characters and actors and attraction gets all blurry too. Kind of like there’s a window in my door(s) that can be open or shut, but I can always look through it? (IDK how this metaphor is holding up)

For example, here’s some arbitrary categorites:

1. People are nice looking because everybody is nice looking (e.g., most people)

2. Aesthetic attraction (let me stare) e.g., Jean from The Warp Effect or Ayan from The Eclipse

3. Aesthetic attraction but more??  E.g., Joong (Joong is pretty, VERY PRETTY. But it’s still not really sexual attraction…I just want to stare at him…extra hard…and if he WANTED to fuck me…I mean for science…but I still don’t really WANT to??)

4. First. E.g., AM I EVEN ACE/ARO WHAT IS THIS SORCERY??

Clear as mud I’m sure.

Ace people can also dislike sex, be sex repulsed, enjoy watching, and whatever else without it emphasising or erasing their aceness, since it’s about sexual attraction to an individual more than anything else.

In a similar way you can also be sex repulsed or dislike sex or dislike aspects of sex without automatically being ace.

ALSO Demispec people may experience full (e.g. 100%) romantic/sexual feelings once the door is open without the caveats that I listed (about emotional instability) and this in NO WAY erases their aceness (or their deminess). There is also something to be said for the different ways the emotional bonds are formed/feelings are triggered. My two data points (attraction to people) were both triggered by strong intellectual connections.

ALSO acespec (which includes all aro/ace/demi people FTR) people can have gender specific (or non-specific) orientations as well (e.g. homoromantic asexual or aromantic pansexual or even biromantic bi-grey-ace).

Examples from Thailand BL/QL in my headcannon

I’m only talking about allo/ace/demi here, no gender-(non)-specific orientations.

Ae (Love By Chance) alloromantic demisexual (through the door 100%)

Ae is, I think, a pretty classic example of the most common view of demisexuality. He experiences romantic feelings for someone (idk if it’s the first time for this) and then slowly realises he’s sexually attracted to said person and goes a bit crazy because he doesn’t quite know what his feelings mean because he’s never experienced them before and, well, he’s a horndog (I love Ae and this depiction for the record) his demisexuality is absolutely a gateway to 100% sexual interest!

Some signs of his aceness might include his lack of interest in sex as commented on by his roommate and his confusion over the feelings he’s experiencing for the first time because they’re outside of his frame of experience. Also his sexual feelings seem to take a while to develop, after his crush has begun.

(I’m much less certain about romantic orientation here because we don’t know if he’s had crushes before (without wanting sex) and also he’s only 18, so even if he hasn’t doesn’t mean he’s arospec)

Arthrit (SOTUS & SOTUS S) Alloromantic demisexual (but different!!)

Arthrit seems alloromantic, in his previous feelings for his childhood friend and his clearly developing romantic feelings for Kong.

Arthit’s aceness is less clear cut than Ae’s because even after he develops sexual feelings (through the demidoor) he doesn’t experience allo sexual attraction as strongly as someone like Ae. I found a lot of his reactions to the relationship ups and downs in SOTUS S were very relatable (and prompted my first ever long post lol click for way more info on this) because of how Arthrit’s desire for sex (or sexual touch) seem to waver with the relationship stability. This is not about being uncomfortable with Kong exactly, but more about how even after they’re technically on an even keel and Kong’s sharing his bed and apartment, Arthit still seems uncomfortable with some of his sexual advances. While LATER after they’ve properly talked about it, he goes back to leaning into Kongs space and making flirty eyebrows.

So his deminess kind of means his aceness is variable even through the demidoor, like the door is wavering between open and closed. But it also doesn’t ever feel like his romantic feelings for Kong waver, just that the unstable grounding of their relationship boundaries lead to emotional instability which effect his sexual interest.

(Because I will take every excuse to use my Arthrit screenshots)

Kat in The Warp Effect (aromantic allosexual)

Honestly, Kat being Aro seemed basically canon during my viewing of The Warp Effect. She shows essentially no evidence of romantic feelings for anyone the whole series. (Though obvs people can want and have sex without wanting relationships and not be aro)

While Kat later tells Alex that she likes him (and tells Jean too) I don’t really feel like this mucks with the head-canon for a few reasons:

Kat is shown to be pretty monogamous when in sexual relationships with people even as she want’s no strings (she tells Alex he’s the only one she is currently having sex with (I think), she later tells Captain Asshole this and then later tells Tony this).

Thanks to Captain Asshole she begins to feel unsafe with the way she lives her life.

She initially wants to commit to Alex as the person she is most comfortable with, but we are not really shown any evidence of romantic feelings, just a desire for commitment.

She seems to reach a similar sort of balance with Tony in the OG Warp Timeline, but there still (to me) isn’t really evidence of romantic feelings

Aro people can, after all, want a committed and/or monogamous relationship.

Kawi in Be My Favorite (Alloromatic Asexual (not Demi IMO))

The reason I think he’s ace rather than demi is more about the language he uses even after he’s in love with Piseang (please see my thoughts about ace-kawi coding in ep 10 for more details if you're curious). Even after this wasn’t made explicit by the narrative, I stand by my thoughts around his lack of interest in sex in general. (As well as the coding in ep12 of him trying the rollercoaster and not liking it). It didn’t really feel to me like he gained sexual feelings for Piseang (unlike the vibes I personally got from Arthrit even if they wavered), more than he tried sex and enjoyed it enough to participate again in the future because he loved and felt comfortable with Piseang.

If you feel ambivalent about playing tennis, but your partner really likes playing tennis than maybe you make a point of playing tennis regularly even if it’s not something you’d think about doing on your own, because playing tennis with your partner is fun you know?

Of course, if tennis makes you feel icky, or really bored, you many not ever want to play it even if your partner enjoys it.

Khai in Theory of Love (demiromantic allosexual)

So Khai is my most recent addition to this post given I just finished ToL but he was so demiromantic it crushed me into pieces so he gets to be included! ways Khai feels demirom:

His confused realisation of feelings when he talks to his Phi at the beach.

He likes to keep things uncomplicated with the girls he’s seeing because he doesn’t do relationships.

He actually tries to take his relationships seriously but just never really seemed to genuinely want the romance.

Even after he realises he has romantic feelings for Third, when he returns back to him (after the beach reflection) he notices his sexual attraction more easily than his romantic feelings.

His confusion over how much he hurt when Third seemed to be choosing Un over him, and how it was the first time he realised how much Third must have been hurting because he’d never felt like this before.

The entirety of Ep12 with Third telling Khai what he feels isn't love (because Third has seen time and time again that Khai hasn't loved anyone before). Khai's attempts to prove himself even though he really understand what loving someone means, even as he follows his emotions, and tries hard to be “better” for Third because he does love Third, he chooses Third, he changes for Third, he cries for Third.

He also curls up in his room watching romantic movies for multiple days because Third tells him that what he's feeling isn't love and if it isn't then what is?)

Very relatable and also owie ouchie my brokenness feelings.

Lack of data points makes it tricky:

There are probably lots of other characters that COULD fall into a-spectrum, (just as there are reasons why these characters might not) but the thing I find the trickiest to navigate (for my headcanons) is lack of data points. Most characters in BL are in highschool/college, and this, combined with a desire for lack of messiness in story structure, means characters are often experiencing feelings ‘for the first time.’ Long term pining, childhood crushes, and first attraction to the same gender, all come into play and make evidence muddy and lacking a concrete foundation, from which to draw conclusions.

We can’t ask characters about their preferences, previous feelings, levels of emotion etc. so in my opinion conclusions can’t be drawn, only inferences made.  

I don’t have a problem with anyone headcannoning these characters as not acespec.

I don’t have a problem with anyone headcannoning other characters as acespec.

Identities, Transience and Labelling

In discussing this post and my own framework with a couple of people I wanted to add a bit more of my personal experience with the ace label and the ace spectrum. Because the thing about both ace-ness and allo-ness is that they’re not equal all the time. Some people experience sexual attraction first or more frequently and may only experience romantic feelings later or less frequently. Some people feel romantic attraction before sexual, but only sometimes and sometimes people feel both at once and straight away, or both at once but only later on…

The romantic and sexual attraction spectrums are spectrums that everybody exists on and in existing on a spectrum some people have a firm placement and others a shifting one.

People who are ace-identified are typically those who have felt meaningfully different from their peers in the level and/or frequency of experiencing any sexual attraction and/or any romantic attraction and whose attraction is close to zero for one or both of those spectrums. They have thus sought out explanations for their difference and found the ace labels. Demi-ness, on either spectrum, then relates more to the way emotional(/intellectual) bonds, positive or negative, directly impact your ability to feel romantic or sexual attraction.

In the context of TV, for me, it’s picking up a photo of a character you love and being confused when they don’t seem right anymore. Its looking at a cast of beautiful humans and not really feeling anything but awe at their acting. It’s forgetting that characters were shirtless until the gifs show up on your dash the next day. It’s reading the definition of chemistry and not really understanding what it means. It’s not realising that there’s a difference between kisses where the lips move and kisses where they don’t because the way the characters talk and stand and stare means so much more. It’s so many things until you must notice because what you’re seeing and noticing and caring about is just…not the same as the things other people are seeing, noticing and caring about.

In the real world it’s messier, because aceness is sometimes framed as only 0%. Experiencing emotions outside of 0% can make the label feel hard to keep, or wrong or mismatched:

My 16-year-old-self called herself Asexual and was relieved to have found a reason why she felt so weird, even if it didn't quite fit right.

My 18-year-old-self called herself maybe-bi because both boys and girls can be pretty to look at, and this must be what crushes are right?

My 20-year-old-self called herself Asexual again (even though it still didn't fit right) because she’d tried things with one of these apparent crushes and it just felt…weird.

My 22-year-old-self called herself maybe straight afterall because she dreamed about kissing someone for the first time and that person was a boy.

My 24-year-old-self picked up demisexual and clung to it like a lifeline because why else would her attraction just be…gone. Was I broken?

My 25-year-old-self discovered demiromantic was also a label and felt like things finally made sense.

But what’s important to know is that at no point between finding the asexual label at 16 to finding the aromantic label at 25, was I not aro/ace. And that if I had settled on a non-aspec label after any one of my identity-questioning experiences, it wouldn’t have made me a liar at any age or negated the experience of other aspec people in any way.

Because what my 25-year-old-self now understands is that labels aren’t there to put you in a box and squeeze you into shape, nor are labels there to lay across your shoulders and weigh you down with their expectations.

The labels are a lifeline, a hand reaching out, a voice whispering in the darkness…

You are not, and have never been alone.

So, for me at least, to label characters as this or that, is not to box them in, instead it is pointing and gasping, look, look, that one is like me…or maybe, look, look, that one is like you.

When a character acts the way I would, thinks the way I would, talks the way I would I am again reminded that,

I are not, and have never been alone.

So please, label away, I don’t mind if we pick different labels. I just like that I can share my labels with you.