#Spoonie blogger

[eclectic-ways]

The original pic & writing doesn’t belong to me. I only edited/altered and turned it into a gif.

[lifethroughfingertips]

[melodymorningdew]

As it turns out, PSTD nightmares to start the day are NOT a good sign.

[totally-sick-blogger]

Rating random fidget/stim toys out of 10

- tangles 5/10 - they’re fun but when they come apart I can never get them back together

- wacky tracks 10/10 - everything I love about tangles but without the things I hate

- large pop-its 7/10 - it depends on the shape tbh

- small pop-its 8.5/10 - they’re not my preferred fidget toy but I still really like them!! Especially the ones that only have 1 or 2 bubbles on them

- mochi animal thingies 7/10 - they’re very fun to play with and very easy to travel with but they make your hands smell weird and I don’t enjoy that.

- plastic rainbow wiggly slugs 8/10 - they’re kinda big which makes them harder to travel with but otherwise I have no notes.

- foam stress balls 5.5/10 - they’re always either fantastic or hard as a rock with no in between

- filled stress balls 2/10 - I have a love/hate relationship with these because they’re so fun to play with but they nearly always end up exploding.

- literally anything made out of that sticky rubber material 0/10 - I have no explanation I just hate these

- floam 10/10 - I am the number one floam fan

- play dough 7.5/10 - I like playing with it but I wish it didn’t smell as strong

- kinetic sand 5.5/10 - I have love/hate relationship with it and I can’t explain why

- bubble rap 7.5/10 - the og stim toy. But also it’s so loud and I don’t love that.

This was not nearly as helpful or well thought out as my usual posts but I hope you were at least entertained by it <3

Let me know your favourite stim toys in the comments !!!

[crazycatsiren]

"You're just looking for attention!"

Says the attention seeker who's butting onto posts that are clearly not for them.

[softersolace]

gosh acupuncture feels so strange.

[woodlandwitchling]

When you become chronically ill you watch people get uncomfortable around you.

Slowly.

Painfully.

Eventually the care people put on as a facade erodes the more your disability becomes less invisible.

The more vocal you get about what you’re going through, the more you are unable to hide the pain on your face or in your movements..the less support you will have.

You are left with figuring out ways to express yourself that doesn’t upset others.. when that fails you are left with making the choice to not speak and to let your relationships die.

Keeping it all inside, the feeling of drowning..

How do you breathe through all of that? How do you survive?

[desroundtree]

The Perfection of Time

Sometimes I guess I really don't know where to begin. This is one of those times. I jumped back in with my first post yesterday and it felt good to write. To let it out for me but also to let you know it’s ok if you have those same kinds of feelings. All of your shit is valid - good and bad.

So much has happened and not happened it feels ridiculous to rehash it all, or to put myself through the emotions that come with that. I will be concise when I say a lot of things have changed in my life. Some of those changes have shocked me and shaken me. Others have grounded me and showed me who, and what, I really am. Most have showed the world that I am not to be fucked with. It is clear that my peace has become my priority. And my silence can become deafening.

I have opinions and addressing them has always been easy for me. This is my space, and in my space I am free to move as I wish. I am working to make myself feel like a lot more of the world is my space - learning to take it up  and not be apologetic for it - and to demand what I need, when I need it. This hasn't been easy. It is still very much a work in progress. With Covid and my illness, the very idea of taking up physical space scares me to death. But there have been, and will be, more steps toward demanding freedom others around me don't seem to want to share. It's odd to feel like the world has become a place where your existence is not only dismissed, but completely ignored. Then to realize that that feeling and those behaviors are closer to home than you think. 

Gaslighting can come from anyone, and I have learned that even those that should be sympathetic, lose that touch when they’re inconvenienced.

Life was hard in the moments when I lacked concentration, when I couldn't figure things out, when words made no sense in a sphere where they once did. I was scared. I am scared. But I realized that’s something that’s not going to go away but I can learn not to operate from that place.

I am an outspoken supporter of therapy, and mental health treatment - whatever that may be or look like to you. In the time that I’ve been gone, I struggled through medicine after medicine, and spoke to therapist after therapist. I stopped sleeping enough to even constitute what any person would really call rest. My Lupus flared because the stress, sadness and overall nothingness of it made it impossible to stay healthy. I was in a constant state of irritability and it went from bad to worse, with no good to be found on the scale. I struggled with what I felt like was the selfishness of it all. I struggled to feel loved when it is obvious I am.

I can’t imagine what the world would be like if I wasn’t.

But still it was hard. It is hard. Every fucking day. 

It has been a really rough go. 

But in this time I have also made plans, secured ways, made moves. Silently. The way most moves should be made. Not in this day and age it seems. I have plotted. I have been angry enough to push. I have taken care of everything and everyone, so much so that I have forgotten to take care of myself. I have checked my ego at the door, and have really tried to learn and understand the way I work and what I require to exist within my space. 

Yes, require. 

My energy is important to me, too important almost, and I share it reluctantly at best. I have learned because time is a teacher. People say it heals but sometimes I’m not sure. I think it teaches you that there are some things that you might not heal from. And that’s ok too. 

I will leave you with this, we aren’t meant to be perfect. Even if perfection is what we are taught to strive for. Perfect is what you make it. It’s whatever lights you up. Time taught me that we end up working so hard toward something so unattainable that we forget that right now is as perfect as it’s going to be. 

[eclectic-ways]

Wow.. It’s been so long, eh…

I’ve gone through quite a lot since about July ‘23. In brief, I finally had my uprising, and achieved more than I could have ever imagined since then. I’ve had huge progression accompanied by stagnation and regressions (no wonder 🥴). Up and down… and up - hop into the void; and up - lap around the oblivion of the so-called mind…

All in all, it’s been chaotic, beautiful, overwhelming, challenging, and full of growth and expansion. I’m truly proud of myself, and grateful for all the support I’ve had from my loved-ones (❔) not to mention the mighty divine power.

I’m in Türkiye since September ‘23 for many reasons like health, family and other personal stuff. It’s been and will be a long visit until about the end of February 2024 (‘till I go back to LA). And oh… I had my 16th right leg surgery on the 15th of November as I happened to rupture my knee ligaments on my 2nd week here. < laughs tragicomically > I’m still recovering, hardly but also quickly, I guess?

I would probably throw some more knick knacks here and there when I feel like expressing myself or updating my beloved (👁️) blog.

I’m mentally in the zone for art, inspiration and creation. I will do my best not to falter, that I can promise as one of my major New Year resolutions at the very least.

Remember, life goes on no matter freaking what. Time operates impeccably, relentlessly.

Let’s challenge that bitch but also flow with it.

Let’s breathe consciously and purposefully:

Allow our deepest desires sink in to fire us up for the upcoming year.

Reminder! Today is the last day of the very last New Moon of the year. Set yer damn intentions and be on them for the next 2 weeks.

May our — the deserving-ones in need — screams be heard and silent screams be heard even louder by the universe.

[lifethroughfingertips]

[melodymorningdew]

I have a rash literally all over me and I'm so itchy not even my meds can knock me out. What is even causing it????? I'm so tired. Please send help.

[vanillabat99]

Hey, can I ask you a thyroid question? Is the ratio of FT3 to FT4 important or not? I keep running into conflicting info. If the ratio is high (but FT4 and FT3 themselves are normal), does that indicate hyperthyroidism (in the sense that T4 to T3 conversion is too fast) or not? If so, combined with low TSH, (low but still normal), is that reason to test for TRAb? My mom had Graves Disease (and has Hashimoto now). I'm losing weight very slightly when I only ever gained before. Pituitary being stepped on by a benign brain tumour. Endocrinologist appointment in March (and that's because the GPdecided it was "urgent"). Anti-TPO very slightly elevated. I had small lumps on last ultrasound. Not panicking or anything, but is that a form of hyperthyroidism or not? Should I insist on TRAb (I can't afford to do the test with my own money), or not?

Hi!! Apologies for not answering this right away, I needed some time to think about it!!

I really appreciate that you are asking me, however I do not think I am qualified to answer any of your questions :( My knowledge of hyperthyroidism is very limited, and I only really know surface-level stuff. Any further details are for my own personal health maintenance and I'm not sure if they're broadly applicable. On top of that, my memory isn't very good, so any info I share might not be accurate anyways, which is not ideal for topics like this.

I'm really sorry you're going through all that!! I hope you are able to get answers soon!! I will post this in hopes that someone can help you more than I am able to. Wishing you the best 💕💕💕

[raredye]

So a quick note from the editor of Rare Dye...

Having a chronic illness is an unexpected and winding road of a journey. New symptoms seem to pop up all the time, with no explanation and no immediate relief. For the past three months, I've been dealing with symptoms that came out of nowhere. I'm just now finally getting back on track. Whew! This means hopefully an uptick in posting and commentary.

Ok, back to our regularly scheduled program with pretty pictures and stuff. Just wanted to leave space for anyone dealing with chronic illness and or disability. Letting you know that you are seen and believed and a part of Rare Dye is having your needs and concerns in mind. 💕

[crazycatsiren]

Wake up, blog, go back to sleep.