#THIS POST IS ABOUT NON-PARTNERING AROMANTICISM

[knifearo]

seeing all those posts from ppl ab how miserable they are without a partner like sorry can't relate. i'm doing great and in fact i hope i die alone 🖤

[reanimatestar]

guy who was fundamentally changed when sherlock said "I have never loved"

[papercranesandpride]

Shout out to all of the non-SAM aromantics and allosexual aromantics who decided to browse what exactly our fellow community members posted to get aromantic trending and found it was, inevitably, a whole lot of stuff about "stealing valentine's day for the aroaces," aroace headcanons, aroace pride, and "making sure asexuality and aromanticism trend for valentine's day" and just generally conflating aromanticism with asexuality and ignoring our existence yet again. I know I was very excited about seeing us get to have our moment in the spotlight, and then had it crushed by being erased and drowned out in my own community yet again.

Apparently some people don't realize that this holiday still sucks even if you're not ace, because it is much more of a holiday about love and celebrating your romantic partner than it is about sex.

It's always fun to be reminded why generally I stick to allo aro and loveless tags and avoid the main aro one like the plague. I'd rather not see a thousand aroace posts to every one that actually applies to me.

Anyway. As a perpetually angry alloaro, I see y'all.

[aspecduality]

This very first Aromantic Visibility day as well as this and every future pride month: alloromantic people (non aromantic/arospec people) please please please don't just say "aros you all are valid and welcomed here!"

That is only the first of many steps but too often that's all I see done for aros. (For aces it's slowly changing to be a bit more) but a lot of people still think the A in LGBTQIA+ only stands for asexual (or worse, they think it stands for Ally, when it actually stands for Asexual, Aromantic, and Agender).

Saying we're valid isn't enough. You need to listen to us, both about the struggles and joys that we face and not assert that you know our experiences, lives, and feelings better than us.

Our experiences are not the same of course. They will be very different, varried, and you may not "get" them all. But the same can be said for our other human kin. You need not be able to personally relate to us to listen well and support us in both joy and sorrow.

To be happy for us and celebrate when something happens in our lives that is positive. To not treat getting a pet as us being sad and lonely and trying to make up for a lack of a romantic partner, to see us getting a place for ourselves to willingly and happily live alone and celebrate us being able to decorate it just how we'd like and get alone time when we want it. To not see someone single and try and push us into dating or someone else to date us when we don't want to because you, personally would be sad without experiencing romance.

Listen and help us fight the causes of our suffering and discrimination. When we say something systematic is harming us don't just say how the solution to affordable housing and better tax benefits would be to just get a significant other/get married, help us change how we as a society operate. Listen to us feeling invisible, unrepresented, and alone due to how society shoves down our throats that not feeling love makes you an evil monster and how you must find someone you love in order to be happy and feel whole. Help us get more information, knowledge, and understanding about aromanticism out into the world to help current aros not feel so unsupported and estranged or even unsafe around the LGBTQIA+ community as well as aid questioning folk who may be aro realize sooner that unlike how everything in society tells us, there is nothing wrong or broken about them and there is a whole life full of wonderful things and cool experiences waiting for them.

[Please DO NOT tag this post or refer to it as Asexual or derail the post to be about asexuality (or anything else). Aros and aces have a lot of experiences in common but this post is being made on Aromantic Visibility day and is meant to be about Aromantics specifically.

Of course, intersectionality is ok, such as being AroAce and how these subjects tie into each other and people's experiences with Atomanticism tied into other aspects of their lives]

[leikeliscomet]

The reason I feel disconnected from the term alloace and its tag is bc it's just not specific enough and bc of that a lot of commentary on alloaces falls flat to me. The specific gender(s) you have romantic attraction for greatly determine what type of experience you will have. There are so many straight ace experiences I can't relate to. Can you safely express romantic attraction in public? Are depictions of your romantic attraction banned in books and TV/film? Then there's race too. When your race is sexualised and your asexuality is denied, how can you then express romantic attraction freely? When your race is simultaneously desexualised, are you even allowed conventional romance to begin with? When you are seen as a sexual being against your will how can you decentre sexual attraction when no one has ever believed you?

Aroallo on the other hand is used to describe the collective experience of aromanticism without asexuality so there's a consistent community for that that's grown but go to alloace and its less active and a series of random posts, not really 'collective community' stuff. Most alloace content isn't called alloace like aroallo content is called aroallo, but just asexual. There's many ace posts that would fit the label but aren't under the tag. Not sure why but I don't think it's that deep. A lot alloace posts aren't even about alloaces specifically, they're posts about arospec experiences either comparing alloaces implying there's a type of privilege or actively blaming us for arospec erasure. The erasure is real and their anger is justified but again it's assumed under the banner of alloace that having romantic attraction automatically guarantees a certain experience when it doesn't, historically or systemically. The most visible alloaces are predominantly white and cishet. The 'allo asexuality' they have is one a lot of alloaces are actively denied and so we actually have more in common with arospecs bc we both have relationship models and exploration of romance that goes against what is societally expected of us. I relate to Black arospecs bc we share the history of how Black people are sexualised and desexualised. I relate to lesbian arospecs bc our attraction to women is unconventional, experiencing 'half' and not the other.

I'm then left scratching my head being asked to use the privilege I don't have and use the visibility I don't get. Does the aspec community ask aspecs to stand with gay, bi, pan and lesbian aces? Do they make posts on how biphobia and acephobia overlap to protect bi aces? Do they ask aspecs to learn the history of how gay romantic lit was censored? Do they ask aspecs to support alloace victims/survivors with the sexual violence they experience from non-ace partners? Do they ask aspecs to unpack compulsory sexuality? Do they do the community support they wish to see themselves?

So yeah, I'm frustrated. With other parts if my identity and if I don't see certain posts about it I'd be like 'well stop complaining and be the one to say something then'. I could do up 'allo aces are valid' content but again, who would I be referring to? Would anyone care? Is it even possible to make a catchall post that fits the whole experience? It's looking like no. Again I need this community to start to looking outside the scope of their own personal aspec experience cus community is in the name but it doesn't feel like it.

[aro-bird]

I've been thinking about how to phrase this post for months but honestly it's been a bit of a struggle but I'll try anyway.

Considering I made a post before about shipping aroace characters and how allos tend to use the lived experiences of aros and aces in order to justify shipping a (typically repulsed or uninterested) non-partnering aspec character I do think this discourse genuinely has way more nuance especially considering other aspecs and shipping and a wider discussion about the community.

As much as I do want to agree here that some aroaces do use media to explore their sexualities and romantic orientation and they often project it on to established or widely regarded aspec characters, as well as non-partnering aspecs have a right to feel upset when a non-partnering character gets partnered in media, it feels like there's a defensiveness from both sides about the issue and it definitely reflects a larger discussion on romance and sexuality in the community.

It's true, for example, that we don't get much aroace representation in media and the ones we get are often limited or very stereotypically non-partnering romance-repulsed ace characters, but even with these stereotypes there are very much real aroaces who fit them who shouldn't have to beg people to have a character's identity be respected especially from other members of the aspec.

It's also true that non-partnering romance-repulsed characters in media do need to be seen and respected as these characters often have an impact and helping the aspec community be recognized without being treated as some strange other, but being treated as some strange other is also something that other aspecs have to deal with especially if people have a very narrow view of what aromanticism and asexuality could be.

People seem extremely defensive on both sides and honestly it's not surprising. A lot of the people in the community deal with erasure, not just in media but even in their own social circles and it could be exhausting trying to prove your existence to other people, especially in spaces where you would expect to be more respected than others like a fandom that has a prominent aspec character for example. It doesn't seem to be just silly fandom drama at times but an extension of the other issues in the community too.

How we treat romance and sexuality for example as a topic reflects that with aroaces discoursing on whether or not we should discuss more of these topics with the amount of posts either saying that "aspecs can do [insert romantic/sexual activity] too and should not be infantilized or treated as all repulsed about this thing besides being a narrow view of aromanticism/asexuality which can invalidate and hurt other members of the community" or "we should be more careful with discussing sexual/romantic discussions because it feels like a lot of them are veering into shaming repulsed people territory which is what this community was trying to set out not to do like other communities had done to hurt us in the past". There's definitely a nuance there that should be recognized when diving deep into this and especially with regards to the effect of allonormativity and amatonormativity that often gets ignored in some of these discussions.

I don't know where I'm going with this but I guess I understand why some aroaces may want to ship the (typically repulsed or uninterested) non-partnering aroace character and I also get why others are defensive about shipping them.

I do feel like the solution isn't gonna be that simple except maybe stop harassing each other over this but otherwise the discourse will continue even if we get more aspec characters in the future from what I'm seeing. We genuinely have a lot more aspec characters than we ever did before and a lot more queer characters in general, and the discourse is still there as it was ten years ago.

[ziptie-bouquet]

Even if you don't identify as aromantic anymore, you should reblog your old posts from time to time.... They were so good

I'm really glad people liked my posts! This is probably the most attention I've ever got online, and it makes me really happy people related to me so much! I don't think I will reblog them tho.

The second part of the ask was:

Alright so, I got maybe 10 asks with this question over the last weeks (and a couple of hate asks, which made me want to not bring any more attention to it). I'm gonna answer it now in a big personal rant, I guess.

I got partners, left some and I had conversations with my friends about my feelings, and I think it made me reflect more on how I want to think about myself. I'm not sure if any of this is gonna make sense, but I hope it answers your question.

I realized the reason any feelings or interest I have disappear as soon as I start putting myself in boxes like "romantic/platonic/queerplatonic relationships" is just because they always come with more expectations and questions than just being me with someone else. I think I love people weirdly, and I don't feel the need to define it as romantic or non-romantic.

I want to exist outside of it all. If I label myself as aro, I don't feel like I fit in and if I call myself bi I don't feel like it's accurate either. I still have experiences I could attribute to either (no crushes or being uncomfortable when put in some romantic situations even with people I love, wanting to love people in a way that's gonna be I guess by all definitions romantic, etc). But I just feel greater than the sum of those parts.

I kinda have suspicions I'm ND which, if true, most likely do not make it easier for me to understand close relationships and what you'd normally classify them as. But I don't feel like I need to. I think I want to be incomprehensible with people and have fun!

Queer fits for being ambiguous and angry, but really I'm just me. I still hold the cool opinions you liked.

Also, even when I was labeling myself as aro, I felt a clear gap between me and the people here. Even with irl aros. That made me feel like I stood out more, and that's visible in my posts because I would talk about it pretty often.

Might be because I'm a very sexual person and all those spaces are unspokenly made for aroaces. Might be because I want deeper discussions than just what you typically see in aro spaces, which is gonna be memes about how allos are weird. Might be because I'm not aro, and I just don't feel like they do. I dont think it really matters, but I still think that aromanticism has extremely good concepts associated with it, and I wish more people would discuss them.

It tires me out to be associated with a community that prioritizes friendships so much and is riddled with romance/sex negativity even if I was fully 100% sure I'm aro. I know it's not everyone and I've met a lot of cool people in those circles, but it is still so tiring.

It pushed me to want to be myself more and dissociate from bigger queer communities. I'm grateful I got the support I needed then but I think I want to be a little weirdo who fake dates her friends and fucks the brains out of her partners.

[mrsfrecklesmarauders]

Responding to this post:

No, love. Not every single character has to have a romantic partner to be interesting. It is okay for characters to end up alone. Or not have romantic experiences at all. No matter their sexuality. Aromantic and Asexual characters can exist and be a good representation of the queer community. Not only gay couples represent queer struggle.

---

Preach!

Also, I'd also like to give another facet of this idea: NOT EVERY ALLOROMANTIC/ALLOSEXUAL NEEDS TO BE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP. People can be attracted to others but simply choose not to enter relationships because of a variety of reasons: 1) maybe they don't think they'd make a healthy partner and need to focus on their other non-romantic relationships first, 2) being in a romantic relationship isn't in their priorities/values (as opposed to career, family, etc), 3) literally any reason at all.

I hate how one of the only ways to convince a fandom not to ship a character with another is to make the character not attracted to the other's gender--- regardless of whether it's a hetero or homosexual relationship. (im not talking about casual shipping, that's fine with me. im talking about those who get irrationally angry when someone does not agree with their ship, even going as far as harassing the content creators because the ship won't happen).

Because it's possible to have a character whose personality/aspirations do not align with a future romantic relationship. And disregarding this is like disregarding their whole character??

I've seen some creators make their characters/OCs aroace purely to avoid them being shipped with another. (I HATE how that just sounded. Let me be clear that this is NOT criticism towards anyone under the aro and/or ace umbrella. Aromanticism/Asexuality is REAL and valid. This is criticism towards those who have made romantic relationships seem like "THE goal" one should aim for.)

Even making characters siblings or relatives to avoid shipping, even if being an only child/having a small family shaped who they were as a person.

this isn't me screaming at you btw this is me screaming in general. no aggression was intended with the all caps.

i hope this didn't come off as offensive. please let me know if it did.

---------- orchard

Hey! You are totally right with all your points. This is exactly what I am talking about.

Characters are given romantic arcs or stories just to make them interesting without the neccesity of them needing a partner in that particular story. No matter their sexuality. Like you said, people would choose not to be in a relationship for a various of reasons. And that is fine. What I've seen in stories or fanfics is that the character who ends up alone in the end, has a sad ending or is tragic thing to have ended alone. (The phrase: They would find their one eventually. But for now they are happy...)

Which shouldn't be true!

Also, just because a character or some characters don't have romances doesn't mean they fall under the aro / ace / aroace umbrella.

Again, characters that are headcanoned as Aromantic / Asexual or both are most of the time not interesting enough. They are not attractive enough. They are portraited as childish or cold, almost not human. These characters should be interesting enough.

If we are improving the type of queer rep was that the only arc of the gay character was that they were gay, we should improve that for aro/ace/aroace characters as well.

Another important thing you mention. It is annoying that characters are instantly shipped when they have a good relationship or chemistry, without the premise of there being anything romantic between them. I mean, people are allowed to ship whatever they want to ship (regardless if is Canon or not) but we have to practice to see friendships or platonic relationships as well. I don't want to make characters siblings, or for example make them one attracted to another gender, or clarify that they are not romantically involved for them to not be shipped. People tend to just ship whatever they can. Pair characters with characters just because.

I don't know, this is mainly amanormativity's fault. It ruins the way we prioritize relationships. (Thinking the romantic one is more important than others). Just like heteronormativity ruined homosexuality before.

Let's give friendships and queer platonic relationships the importance they deserve as well. Characters should be interesting despite their sexuality, if they get into a relationship or not, or they end up with someone or not.

And if two characters get along, they should not be instantly shipped or pretended to end together. They could have another type of relationship as well.

[fandomsoda]

Ok so let me start off by saying that this post is probably gonna be very clunky simply due to the fact that I’m addressing a two day old situation and I’m doing so without it being directly prompted,, please bear with me.

So, late Tuesday night an anon expressed concerns over the ways that I’ve brushed over the topic of aromanticism in the past, expressing that I only ever seemed to mention partnering aros and that it came off as if I was saying all of that only in service of shipping. These things of course are not things I intended, but are not unfounded claims nonetheless.

My initial response to that ask was definitely not great, I came off as very customer service-y and expressed that I felt as if it was exaggerated (simply due to the way it was phrased as “constantly”). It didn’t help that it was like 11 pm and for some reason my dumb ass didn’t actually go back and look through stuff, purely going off my notoriously bad memory.

Needless to say, this wound up coming off as dismissive and insufficient, and thus I’m making this post now as I have processed everything and want to give the proper actual respose (and in a sense, apology) that this situation is deserving of.

After going back through past posts, while definitely far from constant, I have been able to observe that whenever aromanticism was brought up I definitely had a really bad tendancy of only mentioning partnering aros and it definitely came off as scummy now that I look back at it. This was never something I consiously did, but it was shitty and potentially harmful nonetheless and should have been something I was being more aware about. I’ve already been trying to boost aromantic voices lately since the Valentine season’s been around, but doing that and centering non-partnering aros especially is going to be top priority from here on out.

Now let me real quick circle back around and address the shipping bit, as that’s like its whole own thing-

Now I definitely stand by the fact that I was never only talking about stuff in service of a ship, at least not consiously, but the topic often came up in reference to or alongside shipping and thus I acknowledge that that extrapolation is not at all a difficult one to make. And the fact that I even acted in a way that resembled that is not good.

And discussions with my friends have brought to my attention that I have not been making a number of things nearly clear enough and that whole mess is entirely on me so let’s get some things straight-

First of all, due to the more fluid attitude I’ve seen a lot of people have towards it, I never realized just how strictly romantic most people view shipping. Maybe I’m just a little bit dense but for the longest time, the term “ship” being used in a more platonic sense seemed more common than it actually is. And for the longest time, I’ve viewed shipping simply as “I think these characters have a nice dynamic and that they should be affectionate with one another”. But it has been a violent wakeup call recently that that is far from the most common thought process.

And in this I’ve come to realize that I’ve not been clarifying or establishing the fact that most if not all my ships are queerplatonic in some fashion because romance is a concept I’ve never fully grasped (not gonna go too deep into that here though, my weird perception of relationships is a topic for another day-). And things involving aro characters have especially always been queerplatonic in my mind.

I have not been nearly as clear enough about that as I should be and have failed to mention or establish that as much as I should. So from here on out, im going to be much more clear about that to avoid future misunderstanding or sending the wrong message.

It should also probably be noted that it’s very hard to convey these things given the type of art I do. I don’t properly write nor do longform comics, so it’s much harder to convey the internal complexities of things in the simple individual pieces my art often is.

Characters are also often left unpaired and single in my mind, but once again these types of things are hard to convey visually and the bonds between characters usually inspire art more often.

So most of this has just been a matter of “it’s all been up in my head but my ability to convey it or actually make content of it has been extremely lacking”. And again, in a sense, that’s on me.

Overall I know my handling of this situation has been incredibly scuffed from an outside view, for a lot of this I’ve been just very confused and all over the place so the few things I have said have been poorly summarized and basically just me completely tripping over myself. I’ve been processing things and getting things in order privately though, as you can probably tell. And in that I have come to the conclusion that I must take accountability for my actions as it is truly the only correct course of action here. I’m sorry to those this whole mess has upset, I hope this post is enough to explain everything.

I’m not super certain how to end this off but that’s about it, please let me know of any futher concerns. I’m genuinely sorry for all this mess.

[ace-aro-queerplatonic-positivity]

The Multiamory Podcast did an Episode (Ep.438) discussing the intersection of polyamory and aromanticism.

Explicitly polyamorous/ polyaffectionate aromantics, not asexuals!

You are all welcome to chip in/ add on through reblogs and tags and commentary!

The relevant Facebook announcement got shared into a group I happen to be in and as I commented, thanking the person for sharing it seeing as the group wasn’t aro-related at all, I got politely asked to explain how polyamory works for me as an aromantic asexual.

Keep in mind this explanation was targeted for an audience/ readership of allo-allo polyamorous people.

Also: CONTENT WARNING ⚠️

Internalised acephobia, self-depreciation, implication of sexualised abuse, mention of faithfulness

So the first thing I always say is that: disclaimer – obviously I can only talk about my personal perspective and aromantic people are very diverse, asexual people are very diverse

I just happen to be an asexual aromantic, whereas many aromantics are allosexual (meaning any sexual orientation that isn’t asexuality); seeing as this post is explicitly about the intersection of aromanticism and polyamory

I personally want a queerplatonic/ alterous life partner

That’s my personal wish, I want someone to share my life with

I consider myself polyaffectionate, seeing as I’m not “amorous” in any way shape or form

To me this means a few things

1) I practice relationship anarchy – I do not place a romantic relationship on some arbitrary pedestal, every relationship is important to me and that relationship looking like romance doesn’t mean much

For the other things I need to explain about myself first

I am a sex-averse asexual. I have had sex. I didn’t like it. I am generally sex-positive but I don’t necessarily want/ seek sex as part of any committed relationship; rather I’d avoid sex

(This following bit is self-depreciation but) Because of that I think I shouldn’t “tie down” any partner. Someone willing to be with me shouldn’t suffer for it and hence I don’t see a point in being possessive/ demanding sexual faithfulness – although the details would need to depend on the partner(s) and situation

Also due to me not making a grave distinction between “best friend” and “date friend” I just think it’s easier to call myself polyaffectionate since relationships involving me need thorough explanation anyway

I have explored through writing* what I’d like for myself and that basically always ends up that I’d like to be comfortable “sharing” my partner with pre-determined other people

I would only agree to a closed polycule, although I don’t need to be involved with everyone in it

Also I always hoped if I get that, if I get to have a queerplatonic polycule, it could be a found family and support network more than dating in the classical sense

Again, keep in mind all of this is just my personal perspective and I don’t speak for other aromantic people or other asexual people

Many asexuals are fine with/ want sex

Some aromantics are non-partnering/ would only practice solo-poly

My ideal relationship would be having one or two partners I live with, who are my family, who I can cuddle or leave to their own devices, basically a house share and we each cuddle and kiss each other as we please 🙈

—The thing is I’m aware I probably talk like someone who doesn’t value themself enough

Like, if I believed I could be enough for a partner my whole stance would be slightly different

But I have not yet made the experience that what I can offer (a sexless, queerplatonic commitment) is enough for people

I’m fully aware that mindset isn’t healthy but until someone proves I can be enough for them, well… “outsourcing” sex is easier than worrying

And if it’s a genuine relationship I’m happy for them, in any case

I wholeheartedly mean that I’d like a closed polycule and would be comfortable as described

But I also acknowledge that part of it comes from feeling inadequate/ not wanting to hold back the person(s) I love

I just know I can’t provide what – to many people – is a need

And since I know I can love more than one person at the same time I think getting to be with someone who also has other partners is my best chance… if that makes sense

As I said, I write a lot and with my latest novel-attempt* I think I found the relationship model I’d be comfortable with 🙈

* I have indeed written multiple fan fictions as well as original fiction about a self-insert character navigating relationships as I would like them to play out (setting aside the overarching plot of the individual fiction works) but seeing as I’m a pro-shipper and actually do have a writing side-blog, I don’t feel all that comfortable to just straight-up link my own writing here. Due to the here relevant works all featuring central relationships with a self-insert character, these works are also deeply personal. More so than other ship fiction I have written. I have linked these works on here before - as part of “#queerplatonic fiction” lists - but never really put “my name” (this blog’s URL) directly to them

[knifearo]

Hi! i've recently been coming to terms with the fact im very likely aroace, with aromanticism being the Main One on my mind since i've been struggling a bit with accepting that its possible i may never Be in a traditional relationship, mostly due to the fact that so much of what people set up as milestones to reach in life revolve around romantic love.

I just wanted to say i've really appreciated your blog, its been really nice see your posts and its just been helping a lot in trying to navigate all this :) aromanticism feels like its not talked about anywhere near as much as it should be (feels like it'd help not only aroace ppl but like. everyone), and if i'd known that so many people felt this same way sooner i think it would've brought some relief.

it's been especially tough lately i think with not being a teenager anymore, meaning all my friends around me are finding romantic partners and i guess its tough not to feel like the 'second choice' (some of this stemming from anxiety rather than actually how they treat me), and navigating how i feel around all that (also realising that at this point im not just a late bloomer lol). its been a real help finding spaces online that have people talking about their variety of aspec experiences, and its nice to know there's others like me :)

hello, my dear anon <2

first of all: i'm so glad to provide a space for you that's helpful and comforting. community is so important, especially in experiences that can feel so isolating; no matter how you're feeling, at any point, there will always be people here to support you and listen to you and stand by your side. the aspec community is so important to me and i'm so happy to hear that it's been good to you :)

second of all: coming to terms with being aromantic can be difficult, for sure. the fact that so many of us use the words "coming to terms" is significant to begin with; it was very much the same for me, where it felt like a grieving process for a life that i never really wanted but was Told that i should have. it's difficult to work through the knowledge that the entire course of your life, as people set it up for you, is going to be changed away from what you were told would make you happy. this obviously isn't the same for everybody—i have a lot of people in my notes talking about how aromanticism was a wholly positive, freeing discovery for them—but. y'know. it's not like that for everybody, especially not at first. breaking out of amatonormativity is no easy task. just to express that i felt the same things right alongside you <3

especially with the fear of losing everyone around you to relationships... i mean, i think this is where community comes in again. there's a beautiful world out there where people are more aware of the intricacies of non-romantic relationships and the harms of amatonormativity and in that beautiful world we'll all be secure in knowing that our relationships with people will be important no matter the nature of them, but in the meantime, the security of being friends with other aspec people who are aware of all of this can be really comforting. you'll find the people who will stay by you no matter what, eventually, but forming those relationships with people who already understand is really nice. just like any queer relationships, i think. obviously there are cis people who will be cool but oh, the beauty and comfort and joy of t4t relationships in any form... aspec4aspec (a4a? do we have a general term for that? ace4ace aro4aro etc.) relationships are very important to me. helps to deal with that irrational anxiety, too. :)

one thing about being aromantic is that you will look around at the world and realize how innately helpful and revolutionary aromanticism would be if more people knew about it... again. a beautiful world someday. what we do for now is keep talking about it and keep sharing aro joy and keep developing our own important non-romantic relationships and promoting relationship anarchy and establishing our own lives and personhood on our own terms. so happy to have you here as aroace if that's the term you do land on <2 adore you, treasure you, etc., and i hope you have a wonderful wonderful day. feel free to check in anytime about anything! the ask box is always always open. xoxo

[potatopossums]

partnered aro here.

i have been having some thoughts about what it's like to be in a relationship, even if it's difficult to label what type of relationship it is (romantic, queerplatonic, alterous, etc.). I've also been having some thoughts about my queer identity in regards to how my aromanticism affects my lesbianism and vice versa, and their relationship to gender. it's probably worth a larger post, but if anyone is curious or has comments to add about their experiences, please feel free to ask/comment/reblog/direct message.

incompletely, things I've learned so far whilst in a partnership:

Sex is cool to think about but not so much fun in practice..... irl, it can be absolutely fabulous; it can also be alright; it can also be a little boring and uncomfortable. the best part is, i don't have to do it if i don't feel like it. that's pretty cool. who cares if my medication is lowering my libido (and who cares if my meds aren't the problem, and I'm just a sex-favorable/neutral ace).

Sex usually consists of me pleasuring my partner and jerking myself off afterward, and I'm okay with that...... it's not always one-sided giving (and if you honestly think that giving to your partner is one-sided by default, as if you're suffering through the giving and waiting painfully for your turn, you really need to reevaluate how you're doing sex, because I'm sitting there enjoying watching my partner, exploring her body, listening to her breathing, reacting to her movements, and all of that is very enjoyable for me while I'm giving. orgasm is not the end all be all of sex). plus, i don't tend to receive orgasms because i have vaginismus, which doesn't allow others to penetrate me. i can penetrate myself and achieve orgasm when I'm controlling everything, but it is uncomfortable and painful still for others to control penetration, which is required for my orgasm. that said, i also receive external, non-penetrative touch and stimulation (such as receiving head: wowie 😵‍💫🥵). for where i am, I'm comfortable with things, and that's great.

Sex with myself is so good..... my brain has always been really good at thinking up fun scenarios that excite and turn me on. i know exactly what images push me to orgasm. i like orgasming. thanks to my medications, the orgasms aren't as strong, but i know what time of day to masturbate so that i actually can orgasm. i don't always masturbate nowadays, but when I do, it's a really lovely self care moment, and i wish masturbation was talked about that way more often. it's not for everyone, but I've definitely heard masturbation referred to as anything from "something lonely, loser singles do" to "not nearly as good as being with someone" and i honestly beg to differ on both of those. masturbating is not an indicator of loneliness or inadequacy, and it's not some second-rate pleasure in comparison to sex with a partner. masturbation is its own action, its own thing, and it has no moral or status implications. i love doing it, and i always have, and i love doing it alone.

I get the most out of sex when it's framed as a sensual experience, rather than a sexual one..... like ok, I'm not the best at figuring out the difference between sexual versus sensual, but I'm mostly interested in what feels good. if the only thing that separates them is genital touch or sexual arousal, then fine. but sometimes non-sexual touch arouses me sexually! so, in my mind, what is the point of separating them, i ask! if sex feels good, then it was a good sensual experience. if you're not paying attention to how things feel regarding your five (5) senses during sex, I'm not sure what else you're paying attention to? i mean, no shade to paying attention to other things that don't fit in the senses category, and no shame to people who categorize these experiences differently. those experiences and perspectives are valuable and wonderful! for me, it's just all sensual, even if it's sexual too. sexual gratification, for me, is in a sensual category (and also a mental one, but usually my mental additions to sexual experiences are visual in nature, such as picturing a scene/location or a fictional character).

this is all i have for now, but if i think of more things, I'll reblog and add more to this list.

as always, i welcome discussion on these topics, as it is so important for our community to share and connect over similar and differing experiences! celebrating these things about ourselves is essential to our pride, and we deserve to be ourselves fully and openly.

[aro-absol]

Hi, saw you reblog a non-SAM aro ask game! Here's a few I'd like to hear about from you, if you're comfortable! :)

Would you be able to classify yourself as closer to / fitting in better with aroace or aroallo people? Or not?

What is a sign from your childhood that you were non-SAM aromantic?

What would you tell your younger self, in relation to your aromanticism?

Is there a song that gives you non-SAM aromantic vibes?

Thanks for the ask!

2. Would you be able to classify yourself as closer to / fitting in better with aroace or aroallo people? Or not?

I think my experiences align a lot more with the aroaces than with the aroallos. I don't really know if I feel sexual attraction or not. So technically, I could just slap a quoisexual label on and call myself aroace. But the thing is, I don't care about my sexuality at all and the ace label doesn't sit with me right.

Because what connects me to the aroallo community is the focus I put on my aromanticism. It seems to be a common thing in the aroace community to deem your ace identity more important than your aro identity. Which, on individual level, is totally fine; of course you can make that decision for yourself. However, that is often assumed to be a general aroace experience to the point that even allos who barely know anything about aroace people think it's true (see the treatment of every fictional aroace character ever). With this kind aromantic erasure, I feel not very comfortable in aroace spaces online. There is no sense of belonging like there is with the aro community.

It might just be a stepping stone for me, but right now it feels best to not sort myself in the asexual - allosexual binary.

12. What is a sign from your childhood that you were non-SAM aromantic?

There aren't that many, to be honest. I was painfully oblivious to the fact that allos actually have crushes in their teenage years, so I didn't really notice I was not within the norm. When I was little (like six or so), I never really imagined being partnered in the future. But apparently, other kids that age think about who'll they marry someday. I never ever did. But that's all I can think of right now.

16. What would you tell your younger self, in relation to your aromanticism?

That it exists. I would grab myself by the shoulders and shake while telling myself that everyone my age has crushes and I don't. And that that is called being aromantic and that I'm allowed to call myself that.

18. Is there a song that gives you non-SAM aromantic vibes?

I have a collection of songs that, to me, are about love from an aromantic point of view. While some of the songs are from an aroallo perspective, many don't mention sexuality at all so they fit in with non-SAM aromanticism very well.

Some favorites would be "Sorry" by Halsey, "Never been in love" by Will Jay and "Zero feelings" by Zoe Clark.

I posted my full playlist here.

[the-agent-of-blight]

Aromanticism in Academic Papers (day 7)

Today is the last day of ASAW 2024. It's been fun compiling all of this research for you! As ASAW ends, I thought it'd be a good time to look forward. We are part of a wider community after all, the queer community. And as a whole, the queer community is also underrepresented in relationship research.

Today's paper is: Queer Intimacies: A New Paradigm for the Study of Relationship Diversity by Phillip L. Hammack, David M. Frost, and Sam D. Hughes (2018). [stable link]

This paper puts forth 7 ways in which relationships differ from the normative path, and how these perspectives need to be included in academic research more. These assumptions and corresponding "axioms" are that:

Relationships involve 2 different cisgenders, as opposed to homosexual relationships and relationships involving trans/non-binary gender identities

That intimacy is directed solely at one gender, and that attraction does not change, as opposed to plural sexual orientations such as bi and pansexuality and changes in desires

That intimacy is between only two individuals, as opposed to polyamory

That intimacy is characterized by equality and symmetry of role and status, as opposed to consentual power asymmetry often found in kink and BDSM communities

That intimacy is characterized by romance and sex, as opposed to asexual and aromantic intimacies that do not involve romance or sex

That family structures consist of biological offspring, as opposed to chosen families

That forms of intimacy can be known and catalogued, as opposed to the fact that intimacy forms are always situated in their place in history, and that new ways of being intimate with other people are always being invented.

This paper stresses the need for research to be done into these other forms of intimacy that are not usually focused upon.

Now for today's post, I'm going to be focusing on point 5 because I can speak to it personally better. For the sake of brevity I am focusing this on aromanticism, as that is what this whole week of posts has been about. If you have the ability to read this paper though, don't neglect the other portions. they deserve better and further research too.

The authors carefully detail some of the history of asexuality research, and then present the primary holes left to fill in the research. They ask why there has been a difference found in rates of ace men and women having a romantic relationship and for analysis to look beyond the gender binary. They ask for more research on the direct experiences of aros and aces in relationships. The relational forms present in our community are unique and deserve "Legitimization through empirical documentation and systematic inquiry". The authors ask what unique forms of intimacies exist? how do individuals make meaning of these relationships in a culture that privileges sex and romance? and how do partners navigate stigma? What distinctions exist in the experience or expression of asexuality and aromanticism across diverse gender, race, class, and sexual identities?

This paper by Hammack, Frost, and Hughes gives us a charge. To go out and research this. These are only the most obvious gaps in literature from 2018, some will be closed, but that means more will have been opened. We should try and research this, or facilitate those who do. If you ever see a chance to participate in a survey on aromanticism or whatever identity you have, Take it. Even if you aren't in the position to conduct research personally, you can always take part in it. Support organizations like AUREA which provide vital resources not just to the community but to researchers! take part in the aro census ! You have the chance to help facilitate important research in something that is sorely lacking representation in academia. So please, if you have the chance, do it.

[leikeliscomet]

Asexual and Aromantic Representation isn't a zero sum game. There's room for everyone.

Sorry I'm so sick and tired of seeing "there's too much aroace rep" "there's too much alloace rep" posts. Aspec representation is rare for everyone because this orientation is barely recognised in mainstream media. "But I can name a few aroace/alloace characters!" And were they gifted to us because of privilege or were they made by actual aspec creatives who wanted to see themselves represented? Were all these characters' asexuality written well or falling back into damaging stereotypes? A lot of aroace characters have been written in a way where the writer has conflated asexuality and aromanticism as being the same and alloace characters are often written as someone who just doesn't have sex with their partner. Representation isn't automatically good by proxy.

There's also still a major lack of asexual representation for aces that are also lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, trans/non-binary, POC, disabled etc. To say "oh there's an aroace/alloace you've had enough" in response to a few white cishet aces in mainstream TV is extremely ignorant to the diversity of the asexual spectrum. Everyone talks about Todd from Bojack Horseman, Florence from Sex Education and Isaac from Heartstopper. But Selah Summers from Selah and the Spades? Fei Hargreeves from the Umbrella Academy? Abbi Singh from the Imperfects? They didn't get that same "groundbreaking ace representation" credit.

Amatonormativity is real, at the same time, gay aces, lesbian aces, bi aces, pan aces and more are lacking representation when it comes to queer asexual love. Arguing for less queer love representation when all forms of queer love are still stigmatised, from gay marriage still being illegal in parts of the world, to gay couples being attacked in public to censoring of gay kisses, isn't helpful at all. Nothing good has ever come out of "this marginalised group needs to stop appearing on screen so much"

And yes, aroallo representation is needed, along with every other part of the aromantic spectrum, but asexual visibility isn't causing a lack of aromantic visibility. Asexual representation isn't causing a lack of aromantic representation. We need to push for more representation not arguing for another group to have less.

Visibility =/= Privilege

[starvels]

the many revelations of the making of the superhero community polycule map, ft. an increasingly complex notation system

i'm thinking something akin to an expanded polycul.es, with categorization and notation methods for any (or all!) of the following

any associated teams of an individual relationship designation, type, and status (sexual, romantic, kink, alterous, "whatever sounds fun," open, closed, exclusive, hierarchal status, perpetual, spontaneous, "exes so turbulent that it's essential knowledge," tentatively back together, zealously back together, etc) primary powers & abilities (non-hero, combatant, unenhanced, technological enhancement, mutant, mutate ± source, other biological enhancement, magic user, empath, telepath, specified/nonspecified elemental kinetic, shapeshifter, alien, interdimensional being, extradimensional being, etc) anything else one's heart may desire and/or find amusing

i would greatly enjoy at least one discovery of an unexpected relationship (regardless of whether it's because they have been involved, because they haven't, or due to the manner of involvement) or at least one person with an incredible number of current and/or former relationships, but mostly i just want to see where your mind goes kdjskdjskd

(prompt inspired by true events-- earlier this month i met my partner's partner, who then introduced her partner and partner's partner, and at some point it was revealed that that person's partner, who is five down the line from me if you're trying to keep track, has five partners of their own?? i do feel it's relevant to note that before the events of that day, i was only aware of the existence of the metamour, who i had not met, and the fact that they're also non-monogamous. evidently, it's much easier to end up in a large polycule than any prediction i could have come up with. aromanticism win? emphasis on the question mark)

polycul.es is a really cool tool! it might be something i fiddle with in the future but tbqh, i wonder how i would do with trying to order things like so, as i'm notttt a hugely ordered person? kdjfnbkjdnb i do make character notes for longer (20k+) fics, but its like.

seemingly very ordered planning thoughts for RSTV! but when you open the files its just

which is just snippets and not really any concrete, fully formed organized thoughts lol.

but ! i do find the idea of a vast complex, silly and ever evolving polycule amongst the various teams compelling. there's a couple of tools for hockey fandom where people have gone through and you can see the relationship mapping and degrees of interconnectedness amongst players and that's what i imagine this to be. could be a 616 canonical version and a fanon version where everyone is real gay and fancy free. i feel like it would be really delightful.

reminds me of that chaotic relationship post i did about the richards/dr. doom/namor/steve/tony.

so! in response! i could maybe do summat like that again if folks like it, yus!

fun for you on the discovery of five degrees of poly tho! congrats on the bacon 🥓

--

answering what pairing/porn trope/kink you wish i would write 👀