#abuse trauma

[lefluoritesys]

TW: talk about physical abuse

Friendly reminder that physical abuse isn't just hitting or throwing something at someone. It's also knowing that you are injured and making you walk around for hours. It's putting you through physical labour that is causing you physical harm. Anything they make you do that causes you physical harm is physical abuse. Don't put it in a box. (At least for the sake of your own mental health)

-physical protector & external soother

[snarlingteeth]

Would you like me better,

with blood on my teeth?

Under my claws,

In my fur.

Would you want me then?

[bonnie-toyour-clyde]

Just got to s13 in my rewatch and i never noticed before that when Sam’s alone in the bunker w Jack watching him try to use his magic (i think 13x3) he’s reading The Drama Of The Gifted Child which is book about discovering your true self after childhood trauma and repressed anger and the knee jerk instinct to become numb to cope with abuse etc and like…. I love that.

I love that he’s aware that he needs to heal his inner child if he’s going to raise this kid who everyone in the world will hate (especially his own brother, who Jack already looks up to and tries to mimic). And its beautiful seeing him confront Dean for telling Jack he would be the one to kill him when the time came (and it’s heart wrenching to watch Jack sitting on the floor behind the corner like a kid trying to listen to his parents in a screaming match while also staying out of sight to keep himself safe). But…

I also hate that we only see a glimpse of the book’s cover. Like I had to pause in order to read the title. And that’s ALL they give him in the later seasons to show that he’s struggling with all of this. With Lucifer being out, with trying to raise the antichrist to not be the antichrist (which feels strangely displacing, like Jack’s himself from 9 years ago and he’s in the role of Dean but trying desperately to do a better job of making sure the kid knows he’s loved), and losing all of the same people that Dean lost but not being able to grieve for them quite yet. He has soooo much on his plate (as per ush) and the writers refuse to give him any depth about it. Any trauma response other than a clenched jaw and scared eyes. They’re just like Look! He’s reading a book about childhood trauma! Can’t you see he’s traumatized?! and then only show it for a split second.

This is not to say that that’s a bad way to cope at all, again I think it’s amazing that he is reading this book and you can see that it IS helping him - but only if you squint. Its very subtle. Like he isn’t allowed to have upsetting trauma responses anymore, he’s too old for that, he isn’t the baby anymore, Jack is. And that’s really what breaks my heart - it’s the treatment of the (100+ years of) trauma from the cage and from the wall in his mind and from losing his soul as something he should be over by them. He’s a big boy. He can read a book about it, he’ll be okay.

Anyway I’m frustrated by the lack of care for Sam’s healing throughout but especially s12 forward

[amethystpittman]

Just realized something I never noticed as a child:

I asked our mother to wake us up at 10am, but I ended up waking up myself at 10:14am because she forgot. I thank your internal clock for always being on time. I let mother know I was not happy with that, but didn't really press the issue because I am still on time. I told father, who was apparently aware I needed to be woken up. Grandmother asked if I had an alarm clock, I said "no," and his response was, "You should have set up an alarm."

"You should have set up an alarm."

That is manipulation. It never clicked before. What he did with that sentence was:

Showed no remorse for being in the wrong, even though the mistake could have made me late

Didn't acknowledge it was a mistake at all

Dismissed my concerns about being late

Shifted the blame to me, making it seem like I'm in the wrong for trusting him and mother and relying on them

I should be more careful with this. Father is already a bitch, just like our mother, but more and more things keep coming up. Have no idea just how horrible they are at this point.

I really so start understanding the saying, "And I'm too old now to not recognize your bullshit."

-host

[sadistic-softie]

mini vent

I have been forced to bottle up excitement, sadness, fear, and anger for ten years and now that i'm no longer in that environment, all the sadness and fear and excitement is spilling out, and i don't know what to do with the anger. I've never been allowed to feel this much emotion before. It's overwhelming. I've stopped consiously moving my face to match my emotions. I used to need to do that because any facial expression other than calm or happy or whatever a conversation called for would got me into trouble. because I don't have to force faces to stay safe anymore I'm kinda just having flat affect. I've been practiving facial expressions in the mirror so I don't stay flat and my face matches my emotions but I can never get anger right. I don't know the right way to hold my face when I'm angry because it's incredibly rare for me to be angry and ive never seen the way I look when I am.

[systemserendipity]

⚠️tw death, abuse (of numerous kinds), religious and political extremism⚠️

Two years ago, our sperm donor-- a physically/emotionally/sexually/emotionally/spiritually/verbally abusive, evangelical, cult-leading, n-zi hate preacher-- FORTUNATELY passed away.

Not a day goes by that we aren't affected by his actions, even though he's no longer here. The numerous nights we wake up in sweat. The constant moments we look over our shoulder, thinking we've heard his voice. So on.

Only now have we had the courage to speak out this much.

With all of this in mind, we wrote an angry vent-poem at the request of our primary partner.

Enjoy.

[obscuredemure]

How horrible and alienating it feels to be raised by people who cared more about their imaginary friend than the well being of their own children. When the only “family” you have doesn’t even like you, let alone love you. When others around you had caring, supportive parents, but you were stuck with literal monsters who screamed at you and hit you behind closed doors.

Neither of my parents have ever taken responsibility for their actions. They believe any abuse they inflicted on me was somehow my fault. I wouldn’t listen. I wouldn’t behave. I wouldn’t do what they say. They refuse to acknowledge that the church we attended was a literal evangelical cult. Nothing was ever good enough.

I was never the perfect doll my mom wanted when she had a child. She never wanted an actual child. She wanted a doll that she could dress up and parade around. Make them say what she wanted them to say, so she could live vicariously through the attention. And she when realized she didn’t have that, she got angry. She turned to fabricating lies about me so people would pity her. It was always about her. She craved attention no matter what the cost.

I finally went no contact on them this year. No more. Never again.

[insignificantfailure]

the pain when I hit myself feels too damn good, it's addictive

[lefluoritesys]

I don't front for long, but I front often. And the reason for that is my system could do literally anything, but very specific situations, poses, words, phrases, might make them snap into a weird state where they feel like despite being here, they mentally and emotionally never go out of the situation we were in many, many years ago. Sometimes, it feels like they go back to it. They understand they're still in the present, but their emotions and mindset is back.

For the longest time we didn't know that was an emotional flashback. And honestly, don't see people talking about it much, so let me make it clear:

Emotional flashbacks can be anything if your emotions, mental state, or mindset are back to your past.

That could include getting triggered, and instead of a flashback, you only feel emotions you felt during that situation. And sometimes, you feel like it's not right, why are you having those emotions? Start looking for it, and only then get a flashback.

That could mean accidentally gaining your mindset back for a few seconds due to very specific triggers. And you may not even get a flashback, the memories might be heavily suppressed! And you'll be confused about why it happened and why it passed so quickly.

Sometimes, when memories are suppressed so much, you can't get flashbacks, but you're still triggered, it's the emotions that are being brought back. Imagine your memory like an orange (fruit). And your brain is suppressing it, so it's squeezing it as much as possible, and all you get from it is juice. The juice is your emotions.

They happen more often than you realize! Every trigger you experience that isn't followed by a flashback could be counted as an emotional flashback.

Most important thing to realize is, when registering you are having an emotional flashback – don't go looking for memories. It's not worth it! More often than not, it's easier to deal with an emotional flashback rather than a memory one! It's not the full scale of what bothers you (because you have only the orange juice and not the orange itself, which is heavier, and while the juice is sticky and nasty sometimes, there are ways of washing it off) and your soothers, caretakers, and/or protectors would probably take care of it quicker.

You got this!

-sexual protector

[s1l4s-l1k3s-t0m4t03s]

☆°○•cw//abvse•○°☆

"oh sorry he hvrt you that svcks!!"

he used to throw me into walls and sl4m my head in doors and windows and that was if he was feeling nice

he used to grape me until i p4ss3d out

infront of his friends

on camera

got his friends to join in

used to stvb out his c¡g$ on my th¡ghs

if i 'disrespected'him (i was 12) he would hold my hands under b01ling water

he cvt my binders in half and said if i was a real guy i would ☆ve instead

is that "oh svcks"? was it not bad enough? bc this isnt even the w○rst of it. i just cant write the other things without br3aking down more.

its been 2 years

im so tired

[calmmyfears]

I can't stop thinking about what my new therapist explained to me. I was talking about how unsafe the past 10 years have been for me and how I still have to remind myself every day that I am safe now. Her response was that not only have the past 10 years been unsafe for me, but I have never known any safety, security, or secure attachment in my ENTIRE life. And this is why I never had the tools to heal from all this trauma. It makes so much sense but it also leaves me in pieces I can't put back together.

[riddlemefuckingthis]

‼️‼️‼️CW FOR HAPPY SHINY PEOPLE!!!‼️‼️‼️

I know that Happy Shiny People is currently going around and very popular at the moment but pls put tws if you’re going to talk about it.

Some people, including me, have gone through stuff such as the stuff discussed in the documentary. As much as I am so so so happy that people are being exposed and fundamental organizations are being taken down and exposed, it is still a huge trigger for me when this stuff is so openly talked about.

[mamafaithful]

Things on For you page on most sites today talking about triggers and how to avoid or mitigate the damage from them. Especially if they pertain to past abuse situations.

I've talked to therapists and chaplaincy, who seem to all stand on an equal position with these posts, but they always talk about "bad" triggers.

○ Large men shouting at you, avoidable.

○ Medium-sized men, named James/Jamie, loudly shouting around you at small children. Extremely niche. It's mainly unavoidable if I want to stay a scout leader. James is a popular name for my age bracket, to be heard over a horde of children one must shout the games directions in a loud clear manner that all 4/5 year olds will understand while running around the hall practicing their North East South West.

No one prepared me for "good" triggers

> someone being nice to me - bawling my eyes out in a public rest room

> had spasm during sex (with a one night stand) he was fucking helpful and kind, was worried about my health which wasn't the normal reaction I'd get with ex husband - which caused me to have a panic attack, so I got my stuff, got in my car, drove to sainsbury's, got ice cream even though I'm intolerant to that shit and went to my mums where I proceeded to rant to my mum while angrily eating ice cream.

> My new boyfriends friend helped me through a pots episode while im throwing up, and we're both drunk in a club's disabled loo. She's also asking my intentions with her friend and being so sweet when I say I'm scared that i really like them but im broken and i dont wanna be too much. - leads to a panic attack where my pots then sets off the alcohol, proceeds to throw up more. - club bouncer wants to use the loo so they're shouting, and she's shouting, causing me to then shut down. <- This ended with me overthinking all of today because: I worried the boyfriend because I wasn't warming up or very responsive this morning, so he barely got any sleep, making sure I was okay. I'm scared it'll scare him off. Or I'll scare him off. What do his friends think of me. Their night got cut short, having to deal with a drunk 31 year old unable to deal with a bleeding temperature change. (They are all young 20 somethings). Like I'm waiting for someone to be mean, I can deal with that, they're all being so nice and it scares me and I don't know how to explain even if I know they'll understand (we are all chronic oversharers).

So if you've even seen this. Let alone read it. If you've suffered from abuse, what's triggered your trauma flight response that you didn't expect to trigger it. You can keep it vague or overshare. I'm just curious.

[its-v3ry-dark-in-h3r3]

I feel like not enough people talks about how scared you are to recover from abuse, mental illness or any other health issues. Everything you’ve gone through because the pain and trauma have become such a big part of you that you don’t even know who you are anymore or where you’d be without it 🥺

[amethystpittman]

Setting boundaries is so hard.

Sometimes, I wonder if there will ever be more than one person in our lives who is actually willing to work with ours rather than get mad.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that... I just wasn't talking to the right people. Maybe I'm still talking to the wrong people, I just picked up a few right ones along the way now that I'm better.

But this feeling that we're surrounded by people who all think the same, who all think us setting boundaries is shit, who wouldn’t accept us and would disrespect both us and our boundaries when we set them makes me feel... crazy. Maybe I'm the problem? Maybe we're the reason that throughout our entire lives, everybody seemed to agree that our boundaries were shit and ridiculous? Every single person we met said the same thing except the select few that we have around right now. I feel crazy.

-hosf

[trauma-culture-is]

trauma culture is hating your abusers but still wanting them to love you

❤ㅤ