#but that i want to work on making myself feel better - eating better/being more active/etc

[prettybearbutch]

diagnosed with a tight little thrussy (doctor says I have a crowded oropharynx that could be causing sleep apnea)

[blissfullyecho]

healthy lifestyle habits + changes i’ve made in 2023 (part 1)

1. feeling my breasts (the muscle) for any abnormal lumps at least once a week— this is especially important a week after the first day of my period. i’ve learned this from my obgyn. it’s normal to feel some lumps because it’s a muscle but what’s abnormal would only be known IF you take the time to know your anatomy.

2. ditched soda completely and started drinking flavored seltzer water— what i’ve found to be good is putting a crystal light or water flavoring packet in there for a healthier alternative to soda. i like soda with greasy food because i feel like it helps “cut” the grease so this is good if you are the same way when you eat things like pizza, burgers, etc.

3. i stopped drinking alcohol— wine, spirits, champagne, all of it. if i go out, i order a seltzer with a lime or a mocktail of some sort.

4. i started being on social media less and it has made my sleep schedule better— i started using the queue feature on tumblr and i took less interest in instagram and tiktok. i love these apps but i stopped finding other people more interesting than i am

5. i stopped eating so much—i would mindlessly eat all day but now i have a set eating schedule which helps me focus on other things besides eating. i eat breakfast around 6am, lunch around 1:30pm, and dinner at 5pm. my meals go from big (breakfast) to small (dinner). i’ve noticed that these are the only times i actually get hungry so i’ve been listening to my body and being intuitive in such that i have a routine down.

6. just recently, i have started going to bed and waking up at the same time each day, even on weekends— this has helped me by having increased energy and just a better quality of sleep. i have to wake up at 4:45am on some days because of work so i use that time to wake up everyday and go to bed around 9:30pm.

7. confession: i used to be horrible at flossing, but now i have been flossing every night before i brush my teeth— i floss before so i can loosen up the food that’s lodged between my teeth so that when it’s time to actually brush my teeth, the bristles can get in there better to clean.

8. this is typical and base level, but i’ve been drinking water like crazy— i highly recommend a large, cooling water bottle that you can carry around with you throughout the day. it’s so important to stay hydrated. i aim for a minimum of 64oz, but sometimes reach up to 80oz if it’s hot, if i’m active, etc. i listen to my body but i don’t drink less than 64oz of water each day

9. i’ve been getting my body moving daily— it’s a privilege to move your body so i make the effort each day to be active. the days i work at the hospital, i’m on my feet my entire shift pretty much with the exception of my lunch break. when i’m charting, i try to stand instead of sit but i do allow myself to sit when i’m tired. so my hospital shifts allow me to be active and walk my 10,000+ steps each day but when i’m not at the hospital, i go to the gym and do an hour workout session there.

10. i started drinking my coffee black— it’s so gross, but i need the caffeine for work but i don’t want to have the unnecessary sugars that i like to have in my coffee. i’m starting to get used to it (kinda) and i don’t have those crashes like i used to when i did put cream and sugar in my coffee. occasionally i’ll have a sugary and creamy coffee, but it’s not a daily occurrence like it was before.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for insisting my roommate not get me a Christmas present/WIBT if I insist even more?

🎁 so I can find this later!

TLDR WIBTA if I insist harder than I already have that my (unaware of being transphobic) roommate not get me a gift for Christmas, since my being autistic and nonbinary may complicate things?

Sorry for the long one, there's a lot of context going into this.

I (18X) am a college freshman and am rooming with a person I didn't know beforehand. Our rooming situation is weird, so neither of us had talked to each other at all before moving in. I'll call her S (18F).

S is a very big gift-giver; it's her love language. She's gotten me a couple things in the past and has wanted me to try things so she can see if they'd make for good gifts. The problem is, I'm more on the masc side of being nonbinary, as well as the fact that I have low-intensity ASD, so usually the stuff she would want to get me (skin care, makeup, etc) is never exactly my style (most notably, she wanted me to see how a skin cream felt and I ended up complaining a bit too much, embarrassingly, before realizing that it was rude and assuring her that I appreciated the gesture, which I think helped her feel a little bit better) (another add-on, she knows I'm nonbinary, but still refers to me as a girl and uses she/her for me, which is why she keeps wanting me to try feminine products. I've played it off as not caring because I'm low key a little scared of her lol (in the way that anxious people are scared of confident people))

Because of said confidence, she tends to dominate conversations, and I'm always happy to listen, as someone who doesn't talk much myself. Because of this, I know she loves plushies and has a history with them, so for Christmas a couple weeks ago I ordered her a plushie online and snuck it into our dorm for her to find, and she ended up loving it.

Thing is, as she told me this, she said she was going to get something once she went home for the break. Apparently it's going to be expensive, too, since she joked that she told her mom to prepare for an expensive purchase beforehand.

I insisted that she not get me the gift, and that I didn't need one, but she is incredibly stubborn about it and was set in her ways of getting me one.

This is very nice of her obviously, and I appreciate the gesture, but.. I genuinely don't like being given gifts. If it's a mutually-discussed thing before-hand, sure, but most of the time gifts are a no-go. I don't exactly like giving gifts and I dislike being given gifts even more. There's way too much unpredictability, and because of my ASD, whenever I get a gift I don't like, I end up complaining about it without thinking, before realizing it's rude and assuring the person that I really do appreciate it. I've tried working on this before, but it's something I can't help— it literally happens without me thinking. As well as that, I only really knew what she'd liked because I actively listened to her a lot and spent over two months using the information I had gathered on her to get her the perfect gift. I am awful about this, since I'm very bad at coming up with gifts for people and this process— taking multiple months just to figure out what to get her— is the best I can do. I'd much rather hang out with people and buy stuff for them on the town, like paying for a dinner or sweets or whatever. The only reason I went through all of this for her is because 1 I appreciate her trying to be nice to me despite the fact that I am literally the type of person she'd bully in high school, 2 it's Christmas, and 3 it feels like I'm repaying her for trying to buy me all this stuff

So her getting me this gift just.. wouldn't sit right with me. I'm terrified of her getting me something I won't like and complaining about it before I can even think because of my ASD, and it'd feel like a massive debt to repay that'd eat at me forever. Plus, despite trying her best to respect my identity, she.. doesn't really know how transphobic she is, and I'm worried she might get me something very cutesy feminine that'd either make me 1 act uncomfortable or 2 lie to her and reaffirm her beliefs that I'm just female-lite. So, this is where my problem lies. WIBTA if I insist harder for her to not get me a present, despite it being her love language?

What are these acronyms?

[maskedrealities]

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

Basics

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── 💛 ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮

・❥・ Name: Lilith

・❥・ Age: 21

・❥・ Pronouns: She/They

・❥・ Gender: Intersex Woman (transfemme, intersex traits)

・❥・ Orientation: Demiromantic, Demisexual, Omni, Poly

・❥・ Extra: I’m American, Japanese, and Korean and currently reconnecting to Japanese heritage before connecting to Korean.

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── 💛 ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

Get To Know Me

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── 💛 ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮

・❥・ I am someone who identities as non-human due to past trauma and cannot easily identify with human experiences. I associate more with demon/devil, puppet/doll, vampire, and angel. These labels help me have a better understanding of myself and allow me to love myself more.

・❥・ I actively enjoy reading, writing, photography, gaming, and making art. My favorite games include Halo, Assassin’s Creed franchise (particularly fond of the first, Mirage, and Valhalla), Jedi: Fallen Order/Jedi: Survivor, Stardew Valley, Minecraft, and otome games (major fan of Shall We Date games).

・❥・ I write more poetry but I’m getting into fledging more into books. I actively despise AI “art” as it takes away from the process it takes to learn and shape your own designs while writing. It also isn’t art, it is something that has used works of incredible people and takes away from the artist.

・❥・ I am an active fan of Hozier, STARSET, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, Set It Off, Sleep Token, Citizen Soldier, 8 Graves, Fall Out Boy, Hollywood Undead, and many more.

・❥・ I deal with a lot of things regarding obsessive thoughts and behaviors relating to my disorders. I do consider myself to be a yandere as it gives more details into how my disorders affect me and I support other people that have reclaimed the term.

・❥・ I am an intersex individual and learning more about my community and learning to be more comfortable with myself.

・❥・ My religion is mainly surrounding Norse paganism. I do not claim the people that use the religion as a means of supporting any sort of bigotry. I do not support ANY type of bigotry here.

・❥・ I actively enjoy making friends and answering questions. Please feel free to talk to me!

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── 💛 ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

Blog Related:

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── 💛 ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮

・❥・ The only tags I will post under will be regarding to the blog itself, such as #maskedrealities and #lilith speaks/#lilithrambles/#rambles of Lilith.

・❥・ My blog is where I get to be unapologetically me. I will not conform to what others want of me.

・❥・ I actively do not mind others needing a place to go either, you are more than welcome to send something via message or ask as a means of just talking to someone. Though I cannot say I’ll be quick to respond.

・❥・ Anon asks will always be a thing, but any hate will include me laughing in your face. If you’re going to waste my time and your time being negative, I can at least find some joy in how much you must hurt someone else because you aren’t able to appreciate yourself.

・❥・ I am not required to be nice.

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── 💛 ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

My DNI:

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── 💛 ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮

・❥・ Homophobes, transphobes, racists, any and all types of bigotry.

・❥・ Pro contact, anti-recovery paraphilias (I.e pedophilia, zoophilia, etc.). If you are actively getting help or are no contact and pro-recovery, feel free to interact.

・❥・ Political things. I know the world is going to shit, but I can’t stand it.

・❥・ Anti goodfaith, anti mspec labels.

・❥・ Anti neopronouns/xenogenders.

・❥・ If you actively mock or hate furries, therians, otherkin, otherhearted, non-humans, etc.

・❥・ If you use any sort of regression as a means of supporting pedophilia.

・❥・ Anything dealing with self harm or eating disorders.

・❥・ If you judge kinks/what someone likes.

・❥・ If you preach about “closed culture” and try and remove people from that culture away from it and need “proof.”

・❥・ Anything related to Christianity. I love you guys and what you believe in, but I have personal issues related to the religion and I don’t want that to cause harm for either party.

・❥・ Pro harassment people.

・❥・ TransIDs/radqueers

・❥・ If you actively make fun of, mock, or harass people for taking the term “yandere” back to express their experiences.

・❥・ If you believe in any type of [disorder] abuse. Such as narc abuse, bipolar abuse, borderline abuse. These types of “abuse” don’t exist. Stop turning disorders into horror tropes.

・❥・ Endogenic/any type of non-traumagenic “system” and their supporters. A CDD must have trauma behind it.

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── 💛 ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

Extra Notes

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── 💛 ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮

・❥・ Thank you for your time and patience for reading through this! It means a lot to me that this was read or skimmed through.

・❥・ Things might be added, changed, or removed in the future. As of now, though, I welcome everyone that isn’t on my DNI to interact even without following!

・❥・ I hope you have a good day!

╰── ⋅ ⋅ ── 💛 ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╯

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

Bye Bye!

•┈┈┈••✦ ♡ ✦••┈┈┈•

[Begin ID:

Top border (Section Divider): Three pairs of decorative symbols; a series of a dot, lines, two dots, a filled in star symbol, a center empty heart symbol, a filled in star symbol, two dots, lines, a dot.

Basics in Bigger text

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Top Border (Decorative): Decorative symbols in order of bolded curved line, lines, two dots, lines, yellow heart emoji, lines, two dots, lines, curved line.

Sideways heart symbol Name: Lilith

Sideways heart symbol Age: twenty one (21)

Sideways heart symbol Pronouns: She/They

Sideways heart symbol Gender: Intersex Woman (transfemme, intersex traits)

Sideways heart symbol Orientation: Demiromantic, Demisexual, Omni, Poly

Sideways heart symbol Extra: I’m American, Japanese, and Korean and currently reconnecting to Japanese heritage before connecting to Korean.

Bottom Border (Decorative): Decorative symbols in order of bolded curved line, lines, two dots, lines, yellow heart emoji, lines, two dots, lines, curved line.

Top border (Section Divider): Three pairs of decorative symbols; a series of a dot, lines, two dots, a filled in star symbol, a center empty heart symbol, a filled in star symbol, two dots, lines, a dot.

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Top Border (Decorative): Decorative symbols in order of bolded curved line, lines, two dots, lines, yellow heart emoji, lines, two dots, lines, curved line.

Sideways heart symbol I am someone who identities as non-human due to past trauma and cannot easily identify with human experiences. I associate more with demon/devil, puppet/doll, vampire, and angel. These labels help me have a better understanding of myself and allow me to love myself more.

Sideways heart symbol I actively enjoy reading, writing, photography, gaming, and making art. My favorite games include Halo, Assassin’s Creed franchise (particularly fond of the first, Mirage, and Valhalla), Jedi: Fallen Order/Jedi: Survivor, Stardew Valley, Minecraft, and otome games (major fan of Shall We Date games).

Sideways heart symbol I write more poetry but I’m getting into fledging more into books. I actively despise AI “art” as it takes away from the process it takes to learn and shape your own designs while writing. It also isn’t art, it is something that has used works of incredible people and takes away from the artist.

Sideways heart symbol I am an active fan of Hozier, STARSET, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace, Set It Off, Sleep Token, Citizen Soldier, 8 Graves, Fall Out Boy, Hollywood Undead, and many more.

Sideways heart symbol I deal with a lot of things regarding obsessive thoughts and behaviors relating to my disorders. I do consider myself to be a yandere as it gives more details into how my disorders affect me and I support other people that have reclaimed the term.

Sideways heart symbol I am an intersex individual and learning more about my community and learning to be more comfortable with myself.

Sideways heart symbol My religion is mainly surrounding Norse paganism. I do not claim the people that use the religion as a means of supporting any sort of bigotry. I do not support ANY type of bigotry here.

Sideways heart symbol I actively enjoy making friends and answering questions. Please feel free to talk to me!

Bottom Border (Decorative): Decorative symbols in order of bolded curved line, lines, two dots, lines, yellow heart emoji, lines, two dots, lines, curved line.

Top border (Section Divider): Three pairs of decorative symbols; a series of a dot, lines, two dots, a filled in star symbol, a center empty heart symbol, a filled in star symbol, two dots, lines, a dot.

Blog Related in Bigger text

Bottom border (Section Divider): Three pairs of decorative symbols; a series of a dot, lines, two dots, a filled in star symbol, a center empty heart symbol, a filled in star symbol, two dots, lines, a dot.

Top Border (Decorative): Decorative symbols in order of bolded curved line, lines, two dots, lines, yellow heart emoji, lines, two dots, lines, curved line.

Sideways heart symbol The only tags I will post under will be regarding to the blog itself, such as #maskedrealities and #lilith speaks/#lilithrambles/#rambles of Lilith.

Sideways heart symbol My blog is where I get to be unapologetically me. I will not conform to what others want of me.

Sideways heart symbol I actively do not mind others needing a place to go either, you are more than welcome to send something via message or ask as a means of just talking to someone. Though I cannot say I’ll be quick to respond.

Sideways heart symbol Anon asks will always be a thing, but any hate will include me laughing in your face. If you’re going to waste my time and your time being negative, I can at least find some joy in how much you must hurt someone else because you aren’t able to appreciate yourself.

Sideways heart symbol I am not required to be nice.

Bottom Border (Decorative): Decorative symbols in order of bolded curved line, lines, two dots, lines, yellow heart emoji, lines, two dots, lines, curved line.

Top border (Section Divider): Three pairs of decorative symbols; a series of a dot, lines, two dots, a filled in star symbol, a center empty heart symbol, a filled in star symbol, two dots, lines, a dot.

My DNI in bigger text

Bottom border (Section Divider): Three pairs of decorative symbols; a series of a dot, lines, two dots, a filled in star symbol, a center empty heart symbol, a filled in star symbol, two dots, lines, a dot.

Top Border (Decorative): Decorative symbols in order of bolded curved line, lines, two dots, lines, yellow heart emoji, lines, two dots, lines, curved line.

Sideways heart symbol Homophobes, transphobes, racists, any and all types of bigotry.

Sideways heart symbol Pro contact, anti-recovery paraphilias (I.e pedophilia, zoophilia, etc.). If you are actively getting help or are no contact and pro-recovery, feel free to interact.

Sideways heart symbol Political things. I know the world is going to shit, but I can’t stand it.

Sideways heart symbol Anti goodfaith, anti mspec labels.

Sideways heart symbol Anti neopronouns/xenogenders.

Sideways heart symbol If you actively mock or hate furries, therians, otherkin, otherhearted, non-humans, etc.

Sideways heart symbol If you use any sort of regression as a means of supporting pedophilia

Sideways heart symbol Anything dealing with self harm or eating disorders.

Sideways heart symbol If you judge kinks/what someone likes.

Sideways heart symbol If you preach about “closed culture” and try and remove people from that culture away from it and need “proof.”

Sideways heart symbol Anything related to Christianity. I love you guys and what you believe in, but I have personal issues related to the religion and I don’t want that to cause harm for either party.

Sideways heart symbol Pro harassment people.

Sideways heart symbol TransIDs/radqueers

Sideways heart symbol If you actively make fun of, mock, or harass people for taking the term “yandere” back to express their experiences.

Sideways heart symbol If you believe in any type of [disorder] abuse. Such as narc abuse, bipolar abuse, borderline abuse. These types of “abuse” don’t exist. Stop turning disorders into horror tropes.

Sideways heart symbol Endogenic/any type of non-traumagenic “system” and their supporters. A CDD must have trauma behind it.

Bottom Border (Decorative): Decorative symbols in order of bolded curved line, lines, two dots, lines, yellow heart emoji, lines, two dots, lines, curved line.

Top border (Section Divider): Three pairs of decorative symbols; a series of a dot, lines, two dots, a filled in star symbol, a center empty heart symbol, a filled in star symbol, two dots, lines, a dot.

Extra Notes in Bigger text

Bottom border (Section Divider): Three pairs of decorative symbols; a series of a dot, lines, two dots, a filled in star symbol, a center empty heart symbol, a filled in star symbol, two dots, lines, a dot.

Top Border (Decorative): Decorative symbols in order of bolded curved line, lines, two dots, lines, yellow heart emoji, lines, two dots, lines, curved line.

Sideways heart symbol Thank you for your time and patience for reading through this! It means a lot to me that this was read or skimmed through.

Sideways heart symbol Things might be added, changed, or removed in the future. As of now, though, I welcome everyone that isn’t on my DNI to interact even without following!

Sideways heart symbol I hope you have a good day!

Bottom Border (Decorative): Decorative symbols in order of bolded curved line, lines, two dots, lines, yellow heart emoji, lines, two dots, lines, curved line.

Top border (Section Divider): Three pairs of decorative symbols; a series of a dot, lines, two dots, a filled in star symbol, a center empty heart symbol, a filled in star symbol, two dots, lines, a dot.

Bye Bye! in Bigger text

Bottom border (Section Divider): Three pairs of decorative symbols; a series of a dot, lines, two dots, a filled in star symbol, a center empty heart symbol, a filled in star symbol, two dots, lines, a dot.

End ID]

If anything is missing/wrong within the ID, please tell me. This is my first time trying to make an ID.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia

I'm so sorry you've been experiencing difficulties recently. I'm sending all my love and light your way and hope you start to feel a little less shitty soon.

P.s - Do you mind sharing your tiktok so we can follow you there too? Or is it a private acc?

Lots of love to you <3

It's not private! It's just not updated very often. Overall I'm more active on Instagram. But neither are private. The Tiktok is very art-focused so it might not be what you're looking for. But it's also pretty harmless overall.

And thank you anon <3

The last few days I had to stop writing and like...quickly redo my schedule for December and cut it back a little, which always makes me sad, but I'm trying to conserve my mental health as well as my physical. I realised I met all the criteria for a pretty serious depressive episode late last week (I have, alongside severe PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, which is the one that will kill me if I don't keep an eye on it -> though I'm happy to report I'm not like in a very like 'I don't want to live' space right now, I can just tell I'm feeling / experiencing a lot of the red flags that go in that direction), and if I don't act now, that tends to lead to pretty bad places.

So I've redone the schedule for December and that will come out likely on Friday or Saturday. And then I'll only be posting during January for half of the month, and not the whole month, and taking off two weeks re: posting. Hopefully these are the sorts of things which will head off me needing to go into hiatus because I desperately don't want to do that <3

I can already tell I'm doing a little better after being a lot firmer with some boundaries, and also just...with myself re: taking more time off. I wish I didn't feel so guilty about it? But that's not anyone's fault here, that's shit to work on with my therapist/s, lol.

Today I spent around 3 hours researching a response to an ask (whoops), and then realised - not through any one person's actions but a bunch at once - that I need to kind of stop engaging with facecast stuff (nothing wrong with facecasting, the problem is wholly on me there and I wish I'd seen that sooner and saved people some pain and saved me from some rudeness).

I put away the shopping (we have a really good grocery delivery system here which is great for my disabilities etc.), and had some raspberries, and put on the Christmas tree lights.

I was so tired at lunch that I could only manage a bowl of cereal (and couldn't eat breakfast. I think my therapist would be like 'why are you putting three hours of research into responding to something instead of focusing on eating food' but well, whoops? Lol. To be fair I thought it would be way easier to answer, but Tumblr's search function is SO broken).

I fed my wonderful cat, Maybe, and got some sleep in the afternoon and then did some writing (1,200 words) on Palmarosa. It's like 7.00pm right now, and I'm going to put up some chapter commentaries on Patreon and Ream.

Tonight I might do some watercolour art, and I'm hoping to finish Palmarosa tomorrow.

December is actually a hard time of year for me anyway. It's the month that has the most chronological / time-based triggers, and my therapists know this and I'm hearing a lot of 'how are you in the lead up to December' which is about to become 'how are you coping with December.'

I'm grateful for small pleasures. Like my dahlias are looking pretty awesome right now. Here's some photos of this week (some art I'm working on, Maybe being cute, or screm, dahlia, Christmas set up, T-Rex ornament, Santa Platypus ornament):

[goodsology]

Another Update II

Hello!

Trigger Warning for periods, menstruation, and other related issues. I'll explain my situation in more detail.

It all started around April when I had a longer period than usual. It was light, with mild cramps, but lasted for about a month. My period would suddenly stop for a few hours, only for it to continue like I was on another period.

By the end of it, I had blood clots constantly. Worried, I went to an obgyn and she advised a transabdominal along with a temporary medication to stop the bleeding. She also strongly encouraged me to get a pap smear since I never had one before (nor engaged in sexual activity which will be important for later).

After some blood testing and transabdominal, I was diagnosed with PCOS. She recommended either the medication, losing weight, or starting birth control. Since then, I've been trying to lose weight and am still on the fence about taking birth control.

Just feels like I'm stalling at this point. I haven't had my period since and am afraid of what would happen if I did. I'm not sure if losing weight or eating healthy is going to help and I just need to keep taking birth control for who knows how long. I guess that's why I'm so on the fence: I don't want to take medication for a long period and would rather try changing my diet right now.

Other than the period issues, PCOS has been hard to manage. For the most part, fatigue is my most notable symptom, but sometimes I can feel irritable or have mood swings. I've been managing with meditation, listening to music, and relaxing when I need to along with doing tasks when I have the energy (ie cooking, laundry, etc.).

However, that's not my only problem. I've mentioned this in another post, but my mental health has not been great. Remember when I mentioned how I never had sexual activity? Well, when my mother asked me about my doctor visits, she also asked if I had sexual activity. I said no, and she told me how getting a pap smear would really hurt, how I would "lose my virginity" and demanded I tell my doctor no to the pap smear.

As you can tell, I have a great support system!

Sarcasm aside, my mom isn't religious. She likely had her own misbeliefs about getting a pap smear, but it doesn't change how messed up this all was. Her mother, my grandmother, passed away from cancer. A pap smear would tell me I don't have that or any other conditions, but my mom was like "No, you're v card is more important! I know better than your doctor!"

Despite me telling her "That's not how virginity works", she doubled down and reiterated her point. It's not the first time she didn't listen to me and doubted the knowledge of a professional, but she was my mom and I thought I needed at least one parent for guidance. Truth is, I'm a grown woman and I don't need that, at least, not from her or any parent like that.

I deserve better, so much better. I deserve parents who put my health and happiness above some silly little v card (plus my mom never cared about that until now). The whole thing made me wonder why I was even here. Let me make it clear: I am not a danger to myself, but after realizing both of my parents kinda suck and don't really care about me, I just wondered why I was even born. What's the point of being here if I can't go to my own parents for advice and trust them? What's the point if I can't be honest with even my own parents without being yelled at or judged?

Anyway, thank you for reading. I just needed someone to talk about this. I do have my sister and friends, but they have their own issues to deal with and I don't want to bother them, especially my sister.

[lightningshow]

An Open Reflection of my Growth in 2023

This has been the year of me getting real with myself. Real about my goals, my wants, my needs, my emotions, my thought patterns, etc. I feel like for a while I was using denial to protect myself from the reality of my poor mental health, but this past year I've really had to be honest with myself in order to grow. I feel like this mindset shift has led to the most amount of self growth in a year that I've ever experienced. Genuinely, I feel like an entirely different person than I did a year ago, in an entirely positive way. I'm much happier than I've ever been. (Full reflection under cut)

In Fall/Winter of 2022 I underwent a course of therapy designed to help me process and accept the traumatic events I went through in high school. I don't know why, but I had really brushed off how things like my eating disorder and self harm had affected me in the long term. And of course I was actively in an abusive situation. But I had just sort of expected myself to be okay despite what I had gone through. My therapist helped me to understand that what I went through wasn't normal or okay and it was okay for me to feel angry and sad about not having a normal childhood or teenage years. Being able to fully accept that what happened to me wasn't okay or normal took several sessions, but finally being able to accept it has really set me free. We did a lot of processing following that regarding my self esteem and twisted thinking in my relationships, and how I often felt like I wasn't good enough for my romantic partners and would try to mould myself into something they could love unconditionally.

I decided to focus on myself for a while and not engage with romantic relationships for the rest of the year. I needed time to explore myself and accept my entirety. I've been able to accept a lot more now that I contain multitudes and I don't need to flatten my identity to be easily understandable to others, nor do I need to change who I am to be liked.

In Spring of 2023 I continued seeing my long term therapist alongside taking a course on Self Love. This course really opened my eyes into the ways I was neglecting my own wants and needs, and how my low self esteem and lack of self respect was holding me back: in my relationships, my schooling, my career, and my life in general. I've shied away from a lot of opportunities because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to achieve them. At the same time, I've accepted poor treatment from friends and partners in the past because I didn't think I deserved any better. Since then, I've been trying very hard to reinforce to myself that my voice matters. I don't have to hide parts of who I am to make my friends and partners like me. I am allowed to be my full and complete self, and not everybody has to like me, and that's okay.

I've been trying to pay more attention to my wants and needs since then. My main goal this year has been to be a more active participant in my life. I decided to take time off of school this fall semester to reorient my goals and take the time to think long and hard about what I want from the remainder of my college experience. I also have actively been working in my projected career field, and have really been loving it. I used to be so afraid of a career. I was always worried that I wouldn't be good enough. But this past year I've been able to accept that I am capable of doing hard things and of getting through new experiences.

Another aspect of my mental health that has worsened my self esteem in the past is my anxiety and ADHD. I went undiagnosed (but with a diagnostic impression) until earlier this year when I underwent my first real psychiatric evaluation. For so long I had felt like I was just worse at things than everyone else, that my lack of focus and procrastination and struggle to meet deadlines was that I just wasn't trying hard enough and was lazy. At the same time, I didn't understand how everyone could do things in life so easily that were so scary to me (even small things like changing my route to get somewhere).

Since my diagnosis, I've been trying to have a lot more patience with myself regarding my symptoms and be honest with myself that most people around me aren't experiencing the world the way I am, and that I don't have to compare myself to them. This self acceptance has helped me make progress on finding coping mechanisms and strategies more than shaming myself ever did. The reminders on my phone, to-do lists, and planner I use religiously have gotten me so much further than reprimanding myself for not remembering things.

Unfortunately, my anxiety is still really hard to manage. I have finally been able to seek psychiatric help regarding this and am seeing a prescriber for the first time very soon. I'm excited for where that next step will take me, as I've never been prescribed any mental health medication before.

With my mental health symptoms, I've found now more than ever it's very important for me to be kind and understanding towards myself and not pass judgements on my character based on my behaviors. I work with children who often have behavioral health issues and this approach of not judging myself but instead seeking to understand why I'm behaving a certain way has been the foundation of how I've learned to accept and help them. I also have taken this same approach in my interpersonal relationships: seeking to understand why first and passing judgement second.

The other thing I've had to work very hard to accept is that I am only capable of controlling my own actions. I am only in control of myself, and I can't change how anyone else feels or acts. The only thing that I can do is try my best to be understanding and be a good person to those around me. I feel like with my anxiety I feel a huge need to be liked and accepted and understood by everyone around me, which I feel is a very human thing, but at the same time it's impossible to be my full self and have everyone like me. So. It is what it is.

My body image has also significantly improved. I still have hard days, but since I've stopped living for others and processed a lot of my trauma I've really been able to let go of my desire to be attractive or desirable to others. The only person my body needs to exist for is me. I have ownership over myself. I get to choose what I do with my body. I feel like my pro-bodily autonomy stance has finally extended to me. I've definitely had a few mental lows this year and a few days where I've had to fight back ED behaviors, but the important thing is I've won every time. I have so much more respect for my body now and feel so proud of myself for letting go of my desire for perfection.

The final aspect that I want to talk about is the mindset shift that has helped me the most, which is practicing gratitude and seeking beauty in the ordinary. Because of my trauma and anxiety, my brain is wired to see the world as a scary and evil place. I've been trying to combat this but choosing to see the beauty in things. Earlier this year, we had our window open for a few months and a pair of birds built a nest there. That kept me going just seeing them there for weeks. I find I cry more often now, not out of pain or grief, but because I become so overwhelmed by the beauty of the world or the actions of others. I spent so long thinking I could only be hurt in this world that I'm still surprised every time I see deep expressions of love and care. I'm so grateful for the people who care about me and for the joy I'm able to experience. I tell people I love them much more liberally now because nothing in this life is guaranteed.

This has been my mental health wrapped. Thank you if you read this and please feel free to leave a comment and tell me what you're proud of accomplishing this year ❤️

[mini-and-mighty]

4 things you can do to feel better physically- fast, easy, and (mostly) free.

As your Friendly Neighborhood Personal Trainer, I know full well just how difficult it is to keep up with physical health. There are a lot of different factors and limitations (financial, time, spoons, disability, etc) that affect how we take care of ourselves.

It can also be super expensive. I fully believe in the value of the service I provide, (and I also need to pay rent) but I recognize that having a personal trainer or coach is a luxury. So I thought I'd share four things you can do every day to improve your physical health. They're simple, scientifically backed, and have little to no cost.

DISCLAIMER: I am a certified personal trainer, not a medical doctor or registered dietician. While I do a ton of research, reccomend all of these things to my clients, and do them myself-- there is no substitute for the advice of your primary care provider. Please please please take the time to critically examine any health advice you find online.

Sound good? Alrighty, here goes.

#1: Hydrate (no seriously)

Yes, I'm starting off with something super generic, but I cannot emphasize enough how much your hydration levels impact your body.

When you're dehydrated, blood thickens, so your heart has to work harder to pump blood through your system. You end up using more energy to do the same task.

More importantly, hydration is critical for brain function. One study using driving simulators found that being mildly dehydrated can have the same effect on cognition as being mildly intoxicated.

The only liquid that dehydrates you is alcohol. Obviously water is ideal, but getting any fluid into your system helps. Bonus points if you include electrolytes, as they help maintain the balance of fluid throughout our tissues. (Liquid IV, gatorade, and coconut water are all easy options.)

#2: Eat fruit

Fruit is a nutritional powerhouse. You've got fiber, antioxidents, vitamins, and fructose.

Fructose is a type of sugar, make no mistake. But your brain needs sugar, to the point where we even have a fancy process called "gluconeogenesis" to make more to feed our cells.

Fructose is amazing though. It's lower on the glycemic index than sucrose or glucose, making it a good choice for those that have to watch their blood sugar levels more closely. It's slower digesting which when paired with the fiber in fruit that also slows digestion, you don't get crazy energy spikes or crashes.

It's also hydrating! Fruit makes a great snack thanks to this combo of hydration and the natural energy boost from the fructose.

#3: Stretch

Yes, also generic as hell, but also very very important. If you want to be able to get up and down from the floor easily, reach for things on high shelves, or do your favorite forms of physical activity for a long time-- you need to stretch regularly.

Our muscles, bones, and joints are covered with layers of supportive connective tissue called fascia. When we're sedentary (because of occupation, pregnancy, injury, disability, depression etc) then that web of tissue gets tangled and almost matted. It can tangle so much that it actually becomes painful to move. Which, of course, makes the problem worse.

Anything is better than nothing, but stretching your joints a little and often will be more sustainable than trying to jump into an hour long yoga class. There are tons of free videos on youtube by certified instructors, including ones made for people with mobility issues.

For bonus points- spend some time doing inversions, or having your head upside down. This helps with the next thing.

#4: Massage

Sounds weird, but trust me.

Like our circulatory system, our lymphatic system helps remove waste from tissues. But the lymphatic system doesn't have a pump to help move the lymphatic fluid like blood is pumped through our veins.

There's lots of ways to help the lymphatic system- hot/cold therapy and physical activity are some of the easiest. (Inversions, like in yoga, are super helpful for getting lymph to move against gravity)

But massage, dry brushing, or acupressure are all great for the lymphatic system and can be done even if you're exhausted, out of spoons, or have limited mobility. Roll a tennis ball firmly along your major muscles and joints to help improve circulation, stimulate lymphatic flow, and work out some of that fascia I mentioned earlier. For an increased effect, use one of those dog toys with the textured surface. Might feel silly, but it works.

There you go! Four ways to help you make keeping up with your physical health a little less overwhelming and complicated.

Just remember that you're a skeleton trapped inside a meat suit and you deserve to be respected, loved, and enjoy life regardless of how your body looks, what it can do, or how much profit it can make for someone else.

[femmefatalevibe]

how do I stop keeping expectations from people? I SERIOUSLY NEED TANGIBLE WAYS TO COMPLETELY KILL MY EXPECTATIONS BECAUSE THEY KEEP DISAPPOINTING ME AND IM THE ONLY ONE SUFFERING

Hi love!

The best advice that I can give is to adopt this mindset: Other people's words and actions are reflections of themselves – their ego, self-image, self-esteem, personal struggles or inner wounds, empathy, maturity, etc. Depersonalize their actions. Whenever someone lets you down, remember they're holding a mirror up to themselves and are displeased with the reflection staring back at them.

Secondly, establish and stick to your personal boundaries. If you believe someone is overstepping one (or more) of your boundaries, state your boundaries clearly, calmly, and assertively. Walk away if someone is dismissive or disrespectful once you've expressed yourself in this manner. You deserve better.

Tips On Setting/Upholding Boundaries:

Make it about you and never about them.

Know the difference between boundaries and expectations: A boundary is about you and how you will respond to another person's actions. An expectation is the way you expect others to conduct themselves (at least in your presence/relationship). Gently bring up the behavior or actions that bother or trigger you. Communicate your boundary to them when it comes to these conversation topics or behaviors. Say "when you talk about "X" topic or do "X" behavior, I feel uncomfortable/stressed/upset and need to remove myself from the conversation (either physically, hang up the phone, stop answering texts), etc. If they're well-meaning friends, family members, partners, etc., they will respect your boundaries and know that there's an expectation in your relationship for these topics/behaviors to not come up and, if they do, be apologized for and corrected immediately (humans slip up occasionally; you will know the difference between disregard for your well-being and an honest mistake by their reaction to your calling them out).

Always use "I" statements to communicate your needs and requests: Telling people what they're doing wrong instead of how their actions make them feel automatically puts others in defense mode. So, always make sure to describe the exact words/actions/behaviors that are bothering you and how these situations make you feel. Don't personalize these actions – unless you want a negative reaction from the other person (you don't).

Make time for self-care: It's true that you can only be fully present for others when you fill up your own cup and have your needs met first. Otherwise, you're only showing up as a fraction of the person you can and strive to be. Spend time alone. Take long showers and walks. Read books, journal, draw, meditate, and watch your favorite movies or TV shows. Eat healthy meals and work out. Focus on your goals and activities that make you feel good no matter what or who else is trying to enter your mind at any time.

Hope this helps xx

[abdulraveman]

Nishikido Ryo × Cookie!

Hitotoki Kyuukei-Shitsu 2023.12.15 part 2

Nishikido Ryo & comedian Cookie! sat down for a casual chat for "Hitotoki kyuukei-shitsu" on Japan Tobacco's official YouTube where they talked about SNS, hobbies, opinions on work etc

link to part 1 —

Translation below:

In terms of his career Ryo said he is really taking it easy. He admits it was scary at first when he became an independent artist. Cookie said rye must’ve been brave, Ryo said rather than being brave it’s more like taking responsibility if he fails. Even though all the responsibility falls on him, Ryo feels it’s better that way. He feels like his life & career now more healthy

On when Ryo will retire from the entertainment industry  

Cookie: how long do u plan to be in this business? Will you continue even when you become an ojisan? 

Ryo: To be honest, I think it I’ll be done when they don’t want me anymore. But by that point, I’ll realise it on my own and I’ll withdraw by myself and then live my life doing only what I want to do. Maybe I’m preparing for that now. 

3. Ryo does admit he sometimes loses his temper & gets angry. He doesn’t want be angry but admit there times he gets really annoyed & it shows on his face.  

4. On when Ryo feels peaceful:-

Cookie: is there anything you do, a thing, a place or an activity that makes calm and peaceful?   Ryo: I think it’s when I go for a walk in the park. When I takes walk with my friend, their spouse and their baby. I felt very peaceful.   Cookie: What about when you’re surfing?  Ryo: It’s really strenuous when you’re in the middle of riding a wave… I feel good after I succeed in riding out a wave. Even in winter, after a shower, I can wear just a t-shirt. I feel satisfied at those times.  

5. Ryo on what makes him cry & his views on acting:-

Cookie: I cried while watching the Blue Giants movie. I was so embarrassed crying in front of my kids while they were just eating popcorn. Have you cried recently? Ryo: Well, I don't really cry at sad things anymore. I cry more when I watch wedding videos of people I don’t even know 😆 Cookie: ah, because of other people's happiness? Ryo: I feel that is more touching. Cookie: Do you cry at once when you do a crying scene? Ryo: I can cry right away! Cookie: Some actors really get into their roles, don’t they? Even when they are off-screen. Are you not that type? Ryo: No, I'm not that type lol. Of course there are ways of approaching it, but in my case, even when I’m doing serious filming, I’ll be singing on a music show later that evening 😆

5. Ryo on cars:-

Cookie: are you particular about cars? Ryo: When I was about 24 years old, I bought a classic Mercedes-Benz car with vertical headlights. I still drive it now Cookie: Like the one in Ringo Sheena’s Tsumi to Batsu music video? Ryo: Hahaha yeah. But when I was in my early 20s, I got a little carried away and bought an Aston Martin. It was a DB9 model. Although I liked it very much… but every time I passed by the exact same car and I got little demotivated 😆, so I switched to a Mercedes Benz that no one seemed to be driving.

[probablynotnothing]

This picture is from a book called "all along you were blooming" by morgan harper nichols.

its almost unbearably hard trying to be a human who is good, careful, smart, forward thinking, and doesnt harm others. i didnt experience pain like this when i was younger. i know now i dont use any substances at all it is also terrifying and frightening to experience emotions i prevented ever experiencing when i was younger. through numbing in many various ways. some of these emotions its not necessary for me to experience but i dont know yet which these are. so coming off the tail end of the season of pointing my anger against myself, i will use the last remains of this guilty desire to harm myself by experimenting with what does and doesnt help me in certain contexts.

It's so difficult to know myself and what works for me to do to feel better in different circumstances, since i relied on drugs, sex and food when younger in a way that I now associate with my downfalls and shame. Yes many things i did to cope and make myself feel better when younger had outcomes not in my best interest, but there was really magic in doing things by consulting my inner desire and enjoyment. i want to do that now and minimize harm (financial, health, relational) while also being compassionate to myself that my brain doesn't experience joy and rewards with the things that "it should" experience rewards with. I dont have patience, i dont like arts and crafts, I like hands on activities and exploring and learning, and thats ok.

I cant problem solve it and know all the answers right now regarding how to think about myself and life. i'm frustrated so many people know who they are and what theyre doing, and that they feel inherently rewarded doing the things that take me massive willpower to force myself to do. i feel betrayed that i don't enjoy doing much and certainly don't seem to enjoy anything "upright" and "productive".

i have so much debt and dont have any financial plans in place. i keep eating out because its the only way i can feel comfort and pleasure lately and i don't have the energy and patience to cook like i used to. i know my unhappiness directly relates to my job, and my job directly relates to my financial constraints. it seems like a self perpetuating cycle. Don't know the way out but im grateful to remember this is a major aspect of my unhappiness and anger, and I'm not just "broken". I'm experiencing appropriate human emotions for a human in my circumstances and history.

I force myself to go to these classes I dread each week because i tell myself if I don't I may be stuck in my exhausting dead end job forever and never get closer to my goals and just keep breaking down my body more with overworking myself in fast paced physical labor jobs. I'm experiencing the discomfort of something new yes- but I am also experiencing the discomfort of incompatibility and disagreement in philosophy (dog training), and a lack of inherent rewards. I'm trying to force myself to behave in a way I think I should to accomplish my goals, but doesnt the path my end goal need to be filled with things i find bearable and rewarding in order to confirm i'm on the path?

I keep on feeling like a ghost. winding up in situations where i dont want to be rude and infringe ("who am i to sidetrack this person's path"). while its important to be able to quietly peacefully depart paths and leave into the night, at some point i do need to also learn how to be honest about confusion, disagreements, etc. because i need compassion for myself, to be willing to take up room and help those who may not want to ask for help or admit they need help, and i need others to help me by giving me opportunities so i can selfishly have a job that is actually compatible with me and my inherent advantages/ strengths and disadvantages/weaknesses.

I need to recognize for myself the difference between sincerely liking someone and being compatible, and the difference of living in "customer service mode" and trying to be likable and peaceable with everyone.

When i survived when i was younger, and got out of homelessness, could i have accomplished it in ways that didnt involve gritting my teeth and forcing myself to "stick with the program"?

it feel like an overwhelming disaster to examine and sort through how my unhappiness relates to practical matters of the present or past memories, but its worth it for me to try to find my peace adn happiness, and try to get to the life i want to live, even when it feels impossible.

[borderline-gays-club]

4/24/24. 11:38am

Some recent thoughts that have been stewing in my head for a few weeks:

I’m slowly feeling my BPD symptoms shedding and dissipating from my body and soul. And this current shedding does not feel temporary but rather a beginning to a new growth.

I’ve finally delved into the roots of my shame and am really going head first into it. Already this initial step has relieved such a huge weight off of myself. I feel lighter everyday , I feel more purposeful, and closer to healing this relationship with myself. It actually feels possible to enter remission before I’m 35. Honestly I might be able to by the time I’m 30 but I’m not gonna focus too much on the age, and will continue to take the time I need.

A few things that have really been working for me:

-moving very slow: I’ve had a really bad habit for basically my whole life of moving way too fast. I have to do 10 things in a day to feel accomplished. I have to finish this difficult thing by a very short period of time etc etc. I didn’t give myself time to just exist, and my whole existence was dedicated to production and proving my worth through that. And I lost myself completely in that. I didn’t give myself time to literally smell the flowers. I would feel guilty if I leisurely went about my day without doing a productive thing. But now I’m actually understanding productivity in a different way. This production mode I was in was really fuckin killing me. Both my body and soul. My identity became even more obscure and distant to me. And now I can sit and just talk to myself for hours without feeling like I have to rush through the day. I really am more intentional about rushing as little as possible. Ofc capitalism forces us all to move too fast, but I do my absolute best to fight that speed and to always prioritize slowness and gentleness.

-actually talking about my shame and trying really hard to understand it: this one is the most recent thing I’ve finally had the ability to pursue. It’s taken so long to actually enter this phase of my understanding of myself, and I’ve known how crucial it is but I was just too scared. This one has been really fucking hard to break through and I’m just starting so I don’t have much to say yet. But I’m moving through the process: no matter how painful the truth is more important than hiding in myself and being secretive. That has been the reason for this rot I’ve felt in my body for so long.

-doing things that are purely pleasurable and that are fully self ignited: when I say fully self ignited I mean something that doesn’t rely on outside things. And I guess I’m still trying to find a better way to say it, but I’m thinking of pleasure that doesn’t rely on things like substances or addictivite people or etc. basically pleasure outside of addictive highs whatever the source of that is. Cus even video games or food can be addictive which I’ve talked abt before. For example things I’ve found the most pleasurable have been things I make or actively participate in. Like writing stories, or singing, or boxing etc. I’ll find a better way to describe this one but hopefully I’m getting the idea across.

-revisiting and participating in childhood interests and joys: this one has been so healing for me in terms of understanding identity. I feel like the moment I started to lose a sense of self was when I started to try really hard to be liked and accepted instead of doing what I do and finding like minded ppl. So revisiting childhood interests has been reminding myself of what was important to me before I started to absorb others. It’s a good starting point to build upon and to shed all the ppl I’ve absorbed throughout most of my life.

-treating myself like I’m in a full time dedicated relationship with myself: I take myself out on dates. I have a dedicated day every week that is just for me, my solo day. I do whatever I want when I want. I eat what I want, I play my games that I want, I watch what I want, etc. and even throughout the week I’ll have moments where I get a nice coffee for myself or do something I’ve wanted to do for a long time but haven’t been able to. This isn’t like necessary lol but I do kinda treat myself like 2 ppl and will have full convos with myself. It helps to think of myself as 2 bc then I can feel like I’m caring for another while also caring for myself.

-reading/listening/learning abt vast range of topics that eventually overlap with BPD related things. Basically diversifying my sources of knowledge instead of boxing myself in just psychiatry/therapy worlds: this one took a long time bc the immediate resources you find when you just Google BPD fuckin suck. And everything that is easy to find is stuck in DBT and western thought. With that said, DBT has definitely helped me a lot, but I think it was best as an introduction rather than the full solution. I mean I remember being like huh?? When I found out that DBT was treated like a bible within BPD treatment. I knew deep down that relying on one method to treat such a vast range of experiences is not realistic. There’s no such thing as one size fits all. Every individual is too complex and layered even with the same diagnoses. But I will say it’s very tricky to navigate finding other ways of treatment/understand self bc it can be easy to fall into traps of cultish ideologies or “self help” things that are really actually fucked up and make you regress. Outside of DBT stuff though a lot of things that have helped me better understand myself has been general emotion science, anything that really analyzes shame, reading books abt my own specific sources of shame, disability justice, and idk a lot of other stuff! I still haven’t allowed myself to get into reading abt spirituality stuff cus I’m just not ready yet. But slowly I’ll get there to better understand where I come from and where my lineage lies.

-finding and maintaining community: this one is also hard in the beginning and tbh is not always possible. But the more I grow, the easier it becomes to maintain relationships that eventually lead to a community. Like my immediate community is only 3 ppl including myself but even just that has been so amazing. We all have slowly learned how to support each other esp as we are all neurodivergent and disabled and it’s been genuinely beautiful. I’m lucky to find the friends that I have, and I’m also so happy to be in a place where I can healthily support my friends too. And now I’m able to look for community in different ways. And I’m also at a place where I can set boundaries with others and a lot more quickly sniff out red flags and keep distance when it’s needed.

Anyway I’m really proud of myself to be in the place I am. I really could not see a future for myself until Mayb like 2 yrs ago and now I’m more hopeful than ever. It’s been so fucking hard but I’m so grateful that I have been dedicated to change. And!! Not to mention I haven’t been able to go o therapy as much as I wud like bc im broke as shit, but I’m still able to grow on my own in a steady pace. And now I’m really seeing it in myself as I continue to work through all of it. I can genuinely say I love myself and wow I haven’t felt that way since I was a kid probably (excluding euphoria and manic episodes lol). Thank u to anyone who’s read this far and I wish you the absolute best in your own healing journey.

[lesless]

glowing, growing 🔮 🍀

It is gently dropping small, delicate flakes of white outside & the air is so still, quiet, like a whisper. My love took the dog & headed out to a town 2 hours away to meet his father so he can spend tomorrow working on an initiative that may prove to be a wonderful investment of time/energy/etc., but not without quite a lot of work first. I am proud of him in a lot of ways, but I will miss him. I do enjoy my down time though, so I will make the most of it.

I had planned on meeting up with a friend tonight after she had dinner with her sister, but neither of us wanted to do much once the sky grew grey & it began to snow. I wrote a list of what I want to do solo tomorrow--tea (I need to reign back my coffee consumption, again), journal, breakfast, eat, go to yoga, get a juice from the place next door to the studio, a bath with the bath bomb I bought at the botanical gardens. Then, get some work done on the photo and/or writing project, buy some yarn to make gifts, write xmas cards, then maybe meet up with that friend I missed today. It sounds like a great solo day, exactly the kind of thing I like to do! A little chill, a little activity/movement in the A.M., a little productivity, a little shopping, a little fun.

It is funny that since I sorted through my clothes & replaced them with quality items I enjoy wearing that I feel like I have SO many options but I have SUCH a small number of items now compared to when I started weeding out synthetics. I have reflected that life is funny like that, sometimes when we lack quality we go for quantity, don't we?

Being deliberate in purchasing/replacing items has been a years-long thing & lately I do feel surprised that interacting with quality on a regular basis is satisfying, though I have kind of always held the idea that spending extra $ on things you interact with daily will make your daily experience more enjoyable. A nice face wash, comfortable bedsheets, decent rubber gloves to wash dishes in. I suppose I will just never stop appreciating little things in life.

Sunday bb will return, we will relax & play BG3, spend our last little bit of solo time together until next year, quite literally. Tuesday our friend arrives, I visit the allergist, then Thursday my cousin arrives, then Sunday we fly to Texas, then it's holiday madness & remote work, then we fly to Mexico, the new year blooms, more remote work, & we return to life & a new semester.

In more mundane news, I told myself that I would learn how to french braid my hair while it's short so I can become accustomed to it as it grows out & I have stuck to my word! 3 successful braids so far, though my arms do get exhausted & I feel feeble every time I braid it. Just as I feel weak every time I do core exercises (2 down this week! pretty good considering I spent 3 full & exhausting days in the office today) at least I'm doing it! I will get better! I can't expect myself to be good at something right off the bat, as much as I want to be for my ego's sake.

I still always feel at least a little anxious after socializing with people I am not intimately close with, & I have done an assload of socializing over the last 3 days, BUT I feel relatively unscathed after this week. 2 fumbles, which I felt I saved, & maybe I shouldn't be cataloging my social blunders mentally but also maybe mentally I'm a little left of center & I should just be OK with that, too, instead of self-monitoring so heavily. Anyway, I think the level of comfort I DO feel has a lot to do with the fact that I really just feel delightful about the people I work with; I really genuinely like them all. They are all such characters, so knowledgeable, incredibly well-intentioned, & most of them are as sassy & quippy as I enjoy in a person without the malicious undertone that often accompanies that trait.

Anyway I am trying to remind myself that bettering is incremental & when I look back at how far I have come I am proud of myself, too. Lastly, perhaps, I must shake the scolding I want to give myself at every imperfection.

It is a beautiful night & I am comfortable, listening to music & watching everything collect a thin layer of white outside of my window. I have things to look forward to, people to love, people to love me back, humble goals, & a deep appreciation for the now. I hope you, too, find a quiet sort of peace as the year wraps itself in darkness & cold. I hope spring makes you feel like you can start over if you need to. I hope you treat yourself gently tomorrow.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Useless vent I guess? TW: suicidal ideations mentions

It's kind of embarrassing to send an ask for that but for years on end I have struggled with just being utterly lazy. I wish I had a strong concrete reason like depression or mental illness but I am simply useless and can't get myself to really try. Each year that passes I'm like "god I wish I had made things easier for myself by simply making more of an effort" but I'm just so exhausted all the time. When I go to college I am tired. When I get a school break I basically hibernate and still end up tired. I could be put into a room with just stuff to entertain myself and food and accept this as my life but I am supposed to do things and every time I miss opportunities because I can't be bothered working. I have exams coming up and have been given 3 weeks to prepare on my own (as in not at school) and I've been rotting in bed all day, completely deregulating my sleeping and eating habits and just scrolling on my phone.

I don't know how people just work so hard. And I don't even necessarily mean elite students but just idk my mom who has to wake up early and sleep late because of her job, people balancing school and a job, or anyone who may not have it as "hard" but are at least put together (sleep and eat well, exercise, work and/or study etc.). Sometimes the fact that I'm so incapable of just doing the simple productive things (go to the library, go for a run, read a book etc.) just makes me want to die. I'm not like super actively suicidal but I'm just always met with my laziness and inaction and at least I live with my parents now but in the future it's gonna be worse and I just wouldn't mind being hit by a car to avoid having to be productive.

Okay this is a mess lol basically I'm a whiny little idiot who just feels like the weight of having to do things in order to advance in life is too much when literally everyone kinda does it to the extent they can. Idk I just wish I was better with navigating the world and simply existing in a less useless manner.

hey anon,

You are not lazy. Clearly something is going on. It's not normal to be tired like that all the time. You are definitely not whiny, nor an idiot, okay? You are struggling. Things can get better. Be kind to yourself.

I hope things get better for you.

Mod Misa

[thecurioustale]

I Am Sad to Report that YouTube Documentaries Are Generally Unreliable

May in 2022 was a turning point for me with regard to how I apprehend content on YouTube and on the Internet more broadly.

I used to be subscribed to a YouTube channel called RealLifeLore, which makes short documentaries about subjects various and sundry. But despite being subscribed (and it's not easy to get me to click that Subscribe button), I found myself often underwhelmed at the end of his videos, with this sort of unsavory feeling...like being really hungry and eating nothing but an inadequate amount of low-quality food. The hunger goes away but you're not full, and instead your stomach is just kind of disappointed in you.

Why? If you had asked me previously, I don't know if I would have been able to put my finger on it. I know what a "good" documentary looks like, but it can be tricky to explain why a bad one is bad.

Then, in May of 2022, RealLifeLore did a video about California's high-speed rail project, calling it a failure. This happened to be a topic that I already had a decent amount of knowledge about, and I found myself noticing as I watched that the video that not only was his analysis really shoddy, but he was saying things that just weren't true.

I was kind of grossed out at the failure of quality, and I ended up unsubscribing from his channel. That wasn't simply the last straw for me; it was a whole extra bale of straw. I don't want to throw away twenty and thirty minutes of my time on documentaries that can't be trusted.

His video was bad enough, and god enough pushback, that he took it down and reuploaded a new version, but I never watched it. I'm done with that channel.

But it was also an eye-opener for me:

Something has changed on YouTube in the past few years. It used to be that documentary content was produced mainly by people who were passionate about the things they were documenting. And when the production values on these kinds of effort are good, they come with a sort of implicit trust. "Half an A Press" is an outstanding documentary," for example, and very easy to trust owing to the pointlessness and difficulty of trying to create such a work without already knowing about the subject matter.

But in more recent years, documentary channels have arisen whose purpose is not to document the world per se but to maintain a production schedule of content and earn a steady income for the channel creator(s). So we get people making documentaries about things they didn't previously know a lot about.

That is not inherently bad! Being an outsider to the subject matter is a big part of the world of professional documentarian work and of the neighboring short-form world of journalism. But in the 20th century, documentaries typically had robust quality control. In the modern world of YouTube, with low barriers to access, small production teams, no guarantee of quality control, and a proliferation of creators, you need to make critical judgments about which content creators are trustworthy or not, and on which subjects. (As many creators, for various reasons, are better at documenting some subjects and not so great at others.)

For me, RealLifeLore passed my test enough for me to subscribe to his channel, which like I said is not easy. And when he turned out to be incompetent, I found myself reevaluating my judgment criteria. I realized I had been relying heavily on production values (graphics, editing, sound, etc.) and narrative tonality (the way the narrator speaks and thereby the relationship they create between themselves and the subject matter). RealLifeLore has good production values and what I consider a professional narrative tonality. Yet it isn't a good source for documentaries.

Since then I have found myself noticing two things on YouTube:

First, once I was looking for it more actively, I began to see how flimsy the content of many YouTube documentary channels is. I would go so far as to say that most of the documentarians on YouTube aren't worthy of being called documentarians: They are content creators who are essentially writing video essays as if for a college class. The ones who stand out and attract audiences are very good at appearing to be professional and authoritative (through things like production values and narrative tonality), but most of them aren't actually professional and authoritative. High-quality research of a subject you aren't already an expert in is incredibly difficult, laborious, and time-consuming. And this is at odds with the algorithmic pressures by YouTube for creators to be posting content regularly.

Second, we have reached an Orwellian point where, effectively, the fakes are as convincing as the genuines. You yourself as the consumer have to already know something about the subject matter to be in a position to judge whether a documentary is any good. Content creators have mastered the form of high-quality documentaries, and the form is our only way to evaluate the substance without already knowing the substance.

What these two things mean is that, generally speaking, you can't trust anything you see—either on YouTube or anywhere on social media—that purports to be factually authoritative. That mechanism of implicit trust is broken. So you have to heavily scrutinize the content instead, which transforms the role of the audience from one of curious citizen to that of active auditor—which is often a bridge too far as it transplants the consumption of documentary content from the realm of leisure into the realm of work. I enjoy watching documentaries for fun, to indulge my curiosity, relax, and take it easy for a while. I don't want to have to be fact-checking everything I'm seeing.

I'm sure that some of this is becoming apparent to me in recent years only because I have been looking for it more closely. But I also think that much of this phenomenon is a real trend, and that the integrity of YouTube documentary content has been eroded in inverse proportion to the mastery of the documentary form by incompetent or deceitful content creators.

The proliferation and popularization of low-quality documentary content has serious repercussions for our society, which is already struggling with a large unreality movement on the right. I am concerned that most people simply do not possess the faculties to discern what information is good and what isn't. Already I have bemoaned the fact that society doesn't possess good news media scrutiny capabilities, wrongly embracing poor or disinformational news sources while failing to recognize the quality and integrity of good sources. Even some very smart people have this problem.

Our society in general—for decades actually, but especially since the rise of right-wing propaganda and (separately) the rise of social media—seems to be sinking deeper into a modern technological world of untruth, unreality, and circus funhouse mirrors. We are in danger of becoming as beguiled and deceived as any generations of old.

More and more it appears that, to actually know about something, you are going to have to interact with it in the real world personally. Maybe this sounds like a "Well, duh" sentiment to you, but I would say that it isn't: Authoritative, factually-driven media really uplifted our society for decades. No one is going to become an expert of everything, but curious and proud people could consume media on many different topics and at least acquaint themselves with the fundamentals. Now we are losing that, and the result is a retreat in our level of comprehension as a society.

There are still good documentarians on YouTube. Let us not lose sight of the fact that, amid a whirlwind of misinformation, genuine scholarship is always still a thing that people can do. But I am left with no choice but to conclude that the good documentary creators are the exception to the norm, now. And leads to my general guidance for anyone who cares to consider it: Don't trust anything you see on YouTube unless you can, of your own means, evaluate both the claims and the creator.

And I hate to say that, because it means that the documentary scene on YouTube has become an ugly, upside-down caricature of what it should be. YouTube has financially incentivized misinformation and made outright deceit much more financially viable. And this won't change without regulation, but good luck developing effective regulations without killing the bottom-up dynamic of independent content creation. It's going to be very hard, and no one (as far as I know) is even trying to do it yet.

MEANWHILE, a sardonic palate-cleanser: Over in low-effort content world, the proliferation of bulk content continues unabated! I happened upon a YouTube short talking about mixing and then unmixing colors. Then at one point the text-to-speech bot narrator correctly pronounces the word "laminar" (as in "laminar flow"). But a graphic pops up on the screen saying "Leminar Flow." And to round out the trio, the short's video title mentions "Luminar Flow."

🙄🙄🙄

[akai-anna]

Hiya! I'm sure you're already aware, but since your DCMK gift giver dropped out, your gift giver has been switched to me :D How are you doing today?

I have to say, all the platonic relationships you listed out on your form really called to my heart (like the sakura trio, detective boys, mouri family unit, etc etc)! All of those characters are super near and dear to me, and I love seeing them interact ^_^ I noticed you seemed to especially like Vermouth as well--- what do you think of her character? I just think she's like, really cool whenever she appears on screen hehe

Also, I just saw your recent post about the new spy x family chapter--- I'm glad that other people were getting major Detective Conan vibes too, it was so cute! I'm not sure if you're interested in detco fanfiction, but it really reminded me of this really good SpyFam x Detco crossover fic on AO3 called 'Forged', by HikariAA. If Anya was a detective, murder cases would get solved much quicker, wouldn't they?

(In addition, forgive me for snooping through your blog, but I just wanted to ask about how your darling dog is doing now--- the one you mentioned in your other DCMK anon ask. You don't have to answer, of course! Regardless, all the best wishes to you and her.)

Hope you have a great day, and I'm looking forward to working on your gift ^_^ !

OH MY GOSH, HI!!!

Yes, I've been notified of the change, and thus welcome thee, with great enthusiasm! Thank you so much for accepting to be my gift giver so late in the event. *bows*

Thank you, I'm doing well today so far. A bit apprehensive, since I have an interview today, but I'll try to make the most of it. And once I get home I hope to get a few things done that I've been meaning to (but got distracted from gkjnfjkbn). And let me throw back the question at you: how are you doing yourself, lovely? Also, I would like to hear more about what you like about DCMK! Pehaps you could tell me something that you cherish a lot yet feel you don't see enough appreciation for?

A PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP ENTHUSIAST!!! And gosh, I agree so much, THEY ARE SO PRECIOUS, and they are the reason I'm stuck in DCMK. (I am digging myself deeper and deeper into this hole, and enjoying it.) I live for their interactions, be it in fanworks or canon. And you are 100% right: I adore Vermouth! (As I gushed about that in this particular ask, gosh.) But in short: I love how she is a morally grey. The way she can kill and deceive without batting an eye, being very competent too, only to have her 2 little treasures whom she would protect with everything she has, meaning her own life too? I love her. I love her SO MUCH. It's such a shame she appears so little, NOW THAT IS THE CRIME!!! I'd love to see more of her (WHERE IS MY VERMOUTH BACKSTORY- *GETS HIT*)

SPY X FAMILY IS ALSO PRECIOUS TO ME (THE MOST ADORABLE FAKE/FOUND FAMILY EVER, MY HEART), and to see the reference to DetCo in the most recent chapter? My heart absolutely MELTED, to witness two of my eternal favourites fused together. AND I'M VERY INTERESTED IN FANFICTION (in general and for DetCo too), YES, YES, YES. In fact, no day passes without reading a bit of fanfiction, since I tend to read between the time I go to bed and fall asleep. AND I HAVEN'T HEARD OF THAT FIC BUT I'M VERY EXCITED TO CHECK IT OUT NOW!!! (I love recs, I ADORE RECS.) THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! And yes *laughs* Anya would be a great help for sure!

And snooping is more than welcome, feel free to do so in the future, if you want to! AND THANK YOU, fortunately she is doing SO MUCH BETTER, she is not yet fully healed (liver needs lots of time to regenerate), but she is eating with gusto (very good sign) and is more enthusiastic and active (also very good sign)! We are due for a check up in a few weeks, to see if all the medication worked as it should. I forgot to take pictures of her, but have these fairly recent ones (right after she started feeling better) as a treat, of my lil darling. (You have no idea how happy I am to still have her with me, BABY DARLING.)

THANK YOU, AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY TOO!!!