#i cant use my own experiences to help my life if i cant remember them

[gay-dorito-dust]

hey!! if requests are open can u write a luke x jealous!reader?

The ending is a rushed pile of dogshit cuz I didn’t know what to do. 🦦

‘Luke?’

‘Yeah babe.’

‘Are you happy with me, like genuinely happy?’

Luke looked at you confused. ‘I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life.’ He then reached to grasp one of your hands in his, intertwining your fingers and pressing a kiss to your knuckles. ‘What’s going on inside that pretty little head of yours.’ He utters softly, eyes shining with worry and concern.

You bit the inside of your cheek, all of a sudden feeling a little stupid in what you were feeling since this morning and shrugged your shoulders sheepishly. ‘It’s nothing, really. I’m just getting inside my own head.’ You attempted to play it off in hopes that it will all be forgotten, but you also knew that Luke would want to get to the bottom of what was causing you to be anything other then happy and solve it together.

‘It’s not nothing if it’s you sweetheart.’ Luke said as he then used his free hand to lift your chin so that you would look at him instead of your shoes. ‘Talk to me, please don’t shut me out. I know somethings wrong and I want help, so let me help you.’ He adds and you finally felt yourself crack. ‘I saw how some of the girls kept looking at you during training and kept hanging off of you the entire day and how you kept playing up to them.’ You eventually told him, not wanting to keep anything secret from him anymore. ‘So I ended up getting a little jealous that I might not be making you happy anymore…not to mention how busy we’ve both been with camp activities lately…’ you finished, staring deep into his dark, captivating eyes that seemed to see and know you at your core.

‘Hey, there’s no shame in what you’re feeling, and despite what we’re raised as, we’re still fundamentally human in every other aspect. Okay.’ Luke said as he tried to squeeze every ounce of his assurance into your interlocked hands, hopeful that it would bring you at least some peace of mind. ‘I hate how busy we’ve become, more than anything and I just wish we could go back to the days where we would hideaway together by our secret spot at the lake. For being with you during those moments when unrest would take over camp was always my antidote, my soothing balm for my overworked mind in trying to keep camp sane.’ Luke then rested his forehead against your own so that he was the only thing you could see and vice versa.

‘You mean that?’ You asked and Luke let out a chuckle.

‘Mean it? Sweetheart, I live by it.’ Luke said, gingerly pressing a kiss to your brow as though to ease the tension within it, leaving you to melt into him a little bit. ‘So I don’t want you to ever think that you’re not enough. Especially not when you’re the sole thing I think about from the moment I wake up -wishing you were cuddled up in my arms- to the moment I drift off to sleep. I cant get enough of you!’ Any ounce of insecurity you might’ve had beforehand had been discarded afterwards upon hearing his sweet words, so much so that you couldn’t seem to stop smiling nor stop the warm feeling within your chest whenever Luke said anything remotely endearing; it was your biggest weakness and he knew just how to exploit it for his one benefit.

‘There’s that gorgeous smile I love.’ He coos, stealing a kiss from your lips to emphasise his point, leaving your smile to widen against his lips; humming in content as any and all notions of jealously were completely forgotten alongside the campers those feelings were aimed towards.

‘Just remember that it’s your arms I want to be held by and that it’s your smile that I want to be the reason for because getting to see you smile, laugh, or just being your authentic self is my guiding light in this life and I’d be stupid to ever give that up. You’re it for me, for if I can’t have your kind of love, then I don’t want to ever experience love at all.’ Luke spoke against your lips, keenly kissing them whenever he felt as though you needed that extra bit of proof of his love and devotion.

You didn’t because Luke never failed to reaffirm his adoration for you in the little things he did for you, but you couldn’t help but allow yourself to drown in his vast displays of affection, for your love for Luke was considered your Achilles heel but you’d happily let that continue to be the case for the rest of your days.

[cross-crye]

𝖕𝖍𝖎𝖑𝖔𝖘𝖔𝖕𝖍𝖎𝖊𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖕𝖗𝖊𝖋𝖊𝖈𝖙

TW: some graphic descriptions of pain and just result of overblot violence?? idrk how else to phrase it

hurt/comfort

wc: 2.2k

first person pov; reader is yuu

vil schoenheit x reader; takes place after book 5

also on Ao3 -> read here

"To be loved is to be changed" is a saying I heard rather often back in my world, but hadn't quite grasped the meaning of until recently.

I mean, just how can some half baked gestures of affection and an possibly faked fondness truly change a person?

Or at least that's what I used to think.

And all I have to thank for changing my mind is him.

――――

Initially, I couldn't have imagined how life could become any worse. Just how can you top being transported to another universe with no hope of finding a way home? The crushing feeling of despair that comes with the prospects of having to come to terms with such a predicament outright suffocates any figment of positivity you could hope to grasp.

Then the overblots started.

And that was so much worse than anything I could have imagined. I never knew what it was like to choke on the same air you breathe just because the blot in your immediate vicinity was so thick, that it had even started building a layer inside your lungs due to the continued inhalation. I never knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of magic so unrestrained and powerful that I felt its impact on the bones inside my body, even before they were finished breaking. And all I can wish for is to forget those feelings.

I wish I can forget the fear and desperation that controlled my body during Riddle's overblot. I wish I could've done something to actually help. While I couldn't have possibly been expected to be able to deal with the situation, sometimes I still felt guilty about it. First time (and supposedly only) I’d witnessed an overblot and all I could think of was how bad I had felt for riddle. While at the time I didn't quite like him much and we certainly weren't friends, and I had no obligation towards him, I couldn't help but feel guilty. I was complaining at having been a victim of an overblot but couldn't even begin to imagine what sort of pain he’d been in when that thing took over his bodily autonomy. Did he choke on his own blot? Did his bones break and shift as the blot expanded and changed his body? Did he still remember what he did while in that form controlled and erased his will?

After Riddle’s overblot I started to go to Coach Vargas outside of classes in order to learn some basic self defence tehniques.

Then the spelldrive tournament came round. And I went through the worst experience of my life a second time.

I wish I can forget the way in which I lost touch with my senses during Leona's overblot. Despite being more prepared to deal with it that time around I remained virtually useless. I could barely see through the thick cloud of swirling sand. Even though I desperately wish I could forget, I still remember how I could feel the rough sand scratching at the back of my neck as I spoke, hoping to talk Leona down that ledge. Again I had found myself feeling bad for the house warden. I wouldn't say I pitied him, as any student at NRC would be too prideful to do anything but take offence to such a claim, but rather that I felt dismay in his place. I once again felt haunted by questions I shouldn't have been asking myself. How did Leona live with the guilt of almost ending Ruggie's life? Did he even feel such a thing?

After Leona's overblot I started to spend my weekends learning first aid.

Then my idiot friends got wrapped up in Octavinelle's ‘deal with the devil’ sort of crap. And dragged me down with them.

I wish I could forget how suffocation feels. But I cant. Sometimes I wake up feeling like those tentacles are still wrapping around me and squeezing around my neck until my airway closes. Sometimes I still feel as if all it takes is the tiniest of pressure and my bones will break. Seems it didn’t matter to the Great Seven just how desperate I was to forget, I couldn't shake the feeling of drowning in somebody else's blot. Unsurprisingly, I had begun to feel bad for Azul as well. I could empathise with him, which made it all the worse as I could, for once, truly tell just how little I'd help him. The questions followed once again. Seems like my own thoughts would damn me if they could. Seeing as how I ended up almost drowning in his blot; Did Azul breathe through it? Did he, in all three of his (alleged) hearts not hold a shred of guilt for what he'd done to me? And to so many another? Did he know how many potions I had taken to fix my crushed rib cage? And if he did, why did he refuse to address it and pretend as if nothing happened?

After Azul's overblot, I found myself visiting the Octavinelle pool every so often, practising both my swimming and holding my breath. (The offer to access the pool undisturbed was an indirect bribe from Azul to buy my silence about the picture)

Then the winter break rolled around and I had thought I finally got a break. Only I was wrong.

I wish I could forget what it felt like to be stripped of my own free will. My stay in Scarabia was the most terrifying thing I had faced. Living where I had lived, I was terrified of loosing my freedom. It was the only thing money couldn't buy. So when I was controlled so easily and forced to act unlike myself and against my wishes I was stuck inside my own mind accompanied by a terror unlike anything I could've imagined. This was why Jamil was the one with whom I’d struggled the most to patch things up with and why he was the one it took the most time to be open to trust again. Despite all this I still felt bad for him. It was undoubted that life had dealt him a bad hand of cards that he sure wasn't going to win any poker games with. (Unless he's the smartest person at the table and fools everyone with a good bluff; But life isn't poker and the only way you win is by getting a good hand or cheating) I just had to wonder about him too. Did he feel any better when he overblotted? Did it finally grant him the freedom he craved? Could he remember the feeling of finally being the one to hold the power and call all the shots?

After Jamil's overblot I started to research magical artifacts. I worked diligently for months at Sam's shop to finally afford one that would prevent me from being controlled again.

Then the VDC was announced. My initial excitement was squashed like a bug by the fifth and hopefully final overblot.

For once I don't have anything I crave to erase from my memory. Its rather tragic if true, but after a certain ammount of overblots there are some things you just get used to. Which is why I might not outright wish for oblivion. The only question that remains is: Did I get used to the pain, or did I get used to the hopelessness of trying to forget it?

Upon further consideration, it might be that the reason as to why I didn't want to forget Vil's overblot was because of what it did to me. Unlike all my prior experiences, this overblot had actually resulted in a positive outcome albeit in an extremely roundabout way.

Throughout his time living at Ramshackle for VDC prep, Vil and I had formed an unlikely friendship. I would be delusional to claim that we were each other’s confidantes, but that didn't mean we had no concern for one another either. Vil had been a great help to me, and someone whose company I greatly enjoyed. I admired him beyond his looks, I found his drive, ambition and ideals to be inspiring. In the short time we'd gotten to know each other he'd quickly become a person I looked up to. And even if he wouldn't outright say it, I know he started to value my opinions.

In the beginning it was merely curiosity. I came from a different world after all. While at first his only interest in my views and beliefs was only fuelled by his own inquisitive desire my insight earned me his respect. He begun to show his appreciation for my contributions in the VDC prep his own way. What to others sounded like a judgemental comment, I knew was a nudge towards bettering myself. And that's how my now most valued relationship started.

What had really brought us together though, was, ironically enough, seeing each other at our most vulnerable.

――――

It was just another ordinary night. The VDC was still a week away and everybody was in high spirits. Except for me that is. It was supposed to be her birthday. My friend's. From back home. My real home, outside of twisted wonderland. Seeing the date in the calendar was only a grim reminder of the life I could never get back. I don't think I had ever missed home as much as I had in that night. The feeling of home sickness was too much to take. All I could do was pity myself and eventually resign to the hopelessness of it all.

Despite having held on to it for so long, my last remaining shred of hope had died that night. I foolishly thought that I could comfort myself, if even temporarily with a familiar sight. Rather than spend my restless night staring at the run down ceiling and slowly spiralling into an even more fragile mental state, I had decided to go outside on Ramshackle’s front porch and watch the stars. It had always used to calm me when I felt poorly back home.

Only when I went outside and really focused on the shining night sky, I couldn't recognise a single star.

It was that realisation that finally broke me. I was alone, and no matter what I’d do or how much I’d hope, home was something I wouldn’t have again. My reactions were outside of my control in that moment, and I felt my eyes start to water as I begun sobbing silently, all my desperation and depression manifesting itself unrestrained for the first time since I had come to Twisted Wonderland.

It was how Vil found me, tears streaming down my face and an overall wreck. He’d initially planned on scolding me for disregarding his rules, similarly to how he’d done with Ace, Deuce and Grim when they went for a midnight snack. Upon noticing the state I was in, that plan had been completely thrown out the window, as instead he’d talk to me and comfort me. Despite what others would think, his efforts were genuine, and while his words didn’t directly convey it, the fact that he’d been willing to stay outside with me a little longer (effectively sacrificing his own valuable time and strict sleeping schedule) before convincing me to return to my room to sleep and rest properly showed just as much.

I noticed that things had started to change after that night. He’d keep a slightly more attentive eye on me, taking an even more direct role in my well-being. While his newfound dedication was subtle, he set me on a path of pursuit of self-improvement.

In return, I had extended him the same curtsy. Following his overblot I’d offered to be a sort of shoulder to cry on. I had confessed to him to just what extent my admiration of him ran. And it ran deep. I’d told Vil how I thought his drive for improvement was inspirational, how his morals were commendable. I’d even followed it up with a sheepish joke about how it would probably serve me well to be at least a bit more like him.

Things started to work themselves out from there. Vil and I had begun to grow closer and spend more time together, eventually becoming romantically involved. Things had finally started to look up for me after all those months in this strange world. When I’d first come to NRC I had been haunted by those memories and feelings. I couldn't escape the doubt and the questions that always lingered in the back of my mind. But Vil had helped me with that. He’d helped me regain hope for my future, and while I still couldn’t find it in me to dream about returning home, I gave myself a chance to hope for a good, successful future free of torment. One where I could finally be truly happy again.

Many people didn’t understand this, but Vil wasn’t obsessed with people being beautiful, but rather with them being the best version of themselves. And despite it all, he was helping me do just that.

cross-crye © 2024.

no reposting, stealing, copying, translating my works or feeding them to AI

reblogs, comments and likes are all highly appreciated

[scarasbaefy]

therefore, you and me.

scaramouches’ unhealthy obsession over you.

chars; scaramouche/wanderer

; obsession, stalking, breaking and entering, weirdo scaramouche.. g. neutral, not proof-read.

note; hi n plz enjoy this short drabble !! i have a song stuck in my head (all my work is based on songs stuck in my head) n i decided to get it out of there by writing it out AHHHHH !!!!!!! idk why i cant write anything normal sfsdjkfs it always has to be either angsty or creepy 

; join taglist

Ⰶ

scaramouche hides behind trees, stifling his giggles at the mere sight of you. he doesn’t want to get caught, but the sight of you brings butterflies to his stomach, making him want to rip them out from the sensation. yet he leaves it because you’re the one making him feel this way.

he’ll follow you closely, but not enough for you to notice that a strange person has been following you since you’ve left your home.

he eats the same food you do and follows your footsteps. wanting to experience the same things you do. he cant help but feel a high when it comes to you. all his common sense was thrown in the trash, becoming helpless and obsessive.

in his own room, he has a wall dedicated to you. photos he took, used napkins you leave behind in restaurants, small items from your home that you’d never realise went missing. a shrine of you.

when he’s not around keeping an eye on you, he’s at your home leaving small crumpled up pieces of paper. ‘you and me’ he’d write over and over before scattering the notes in hopes of manifesting you into his life.

you notice your door wide open one day when you get back home from an afternoon of shopping. surely you remembered to close it, right? upon entering, you see an indigo haired boy creepily smiling at a photo of you.

“excuse me, what are you doing?” you asked in horror.

the man before you quietly gasped, eyes wide open in shock from how badly he was caught off guard. but just as quick as he reacted, he vanished.

taglist; @ulquiorraswife @yevurin​ @lovingveliona​  @i-luvyuu​ @x-aloeveraa-x @mf-619lans @butterskyy

[itgomyway]

(you)r sp and you ♡

i have already made a post about how you should love yourself and your sp will love you almost as much (bc they actually are you!) but lets go into more detail

a lot of you guys, including me, wanted to get into a relationship. and with that, youve discovered the law of assumption. the basics start off with whatever you assume will be. but after months of arguing, harassment, and bullying on twitter, you’re probably confused and too scared to ask.

FUCK THAT. let me be the one to tell you that none of it matters. you very much can and WILL manifest your sp. others false opinions (false because theyre not real) mean nothing. this isnt a loass post though im talking about non dualism (which is not the same).

“but wait… i want my sp and non dualism isnt about getting so why would i-“ because your sp shouldnt be someone that brings you happiness. they should be someone who adds to your quality of life. why does that sound like loass vs non dualism? because it is.

people use the law of assumption to manifest desires for their physical world. theres nothing wrong with that! that is how i manifested my current relationship. however, when we speak about non dualism, it goes beyond trying to get anything. youre just being. and “getting” into a relationship can very much help or make your false sense of self feel better. you as consciousness know relationships themselves dont exist because it is you but your ego, the false sense of self doesnt know that. it wants to experience love as part of the human condition. but youre still not getting anything. lemme explain.

you were trying to “get” something that was never outside of you TO make you happy. that doesnt make sense when not only are they you, but they are apart of you. everything your awareness is on “reflects” how you feel about yourself because all there is is you.

lets go back to non dualism’s basics. everything is consciousness = you creation is brought on by your awareness = you. “but back when x happened-“ the past and the future do not exist. the only thing that exist is now. you cant “apply” this way of thinking to something that doesnt exist. that makes no sense. youre just going to confuse yourself. i am telling you RIGHT NOW the only truly real thing is YOU. that is all there is and will ever be. you can control your awareness through observations meaning youre in total control. read that again.

so when it comes to your sp, romantic or not, they are never not yours. they were never not you or not a part of you. every thought, feeling, affirmation, or word you wrote down, they have received. because its you. think about it. are you ever aware of anything youre unaware of? (no). because things only exist the moment youre aware of them!

and remember, if something can come to our awareness like a relationship and leave our awareness it is not real. but you, as consciousness are infinite and are always here and always consciousness. so you are real!

after discovering non dualism i have thought about the feelings my boyfriend has presented to me and how they currently match the feelings i have for myself. i have always loved myself and will always love myself. if i didnt, how could i expect my creation, which is a projection of my own self image, to have different feelings than me? your sp isnt a separate person. Your relationships will always show how you feel about yourself, romantic or platonic. they’re not real because they come and go through your awareness but your ego as the false self believes they are. and thats okay. thats its job. let it be and observe them as consciousness.

nothing can happen outside of your awareness because the moment you are aware/conscious of something, it exist instantly. so if your sp is treating you the way you dont want to be treated then reflect on your own feelings about yourself. this DOES NOT necessarily mean work on your self concept. ask yourself if “you” think youre worthy of what it is your ego desires. a lot of my blockage came from that. i had to fall in love with myself so my ego could comprehend how i could be loved. because its still me.

lets talk about “free will”.

“free will” doesn’t exist. lemme tell you why. the idea of free will is a person outside of you having a say in their own life. the basic principle of non dualism means theres only one being, consciousness (you). so tell me how can “another person” “outside” of you have a say in their “own lives” when none of that exist in the first place?

your sp having or not having free will shouldn’t effect how you feel about them unless you see them as a separate entity outside of you. they’re not an “object” you control theyre your creation and another form of consciousness so of course you have control over your creations you have control over EVERYTHING.

your sp feels the same way you feel about yourself. always. if you dont feel good about yourself then i do suggest working on your self concept. not to “get” anything but for YOURSELF! why not love yourself? why cart that responsibility off to your creation?

at the end of the day, itll just be you surrounded by your creations. you can pick and choose what they are specifically BUT THE ONLY REAL THING IS YOU

© itgomyway

[softspace-fics]

Lost pt.3

⚠️ THIS IS NOT A AGE-RE POST. THIS IS A DARK POST. PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION, DONT READ IF WARNINGS TRIGGER YOU⚠️

Masterlist - All my work!

⚠️ WARNINGS ⚠️: Mentions of violence blood, sewing skin, passing out, being lost with no contact, mature language (cussing), Steve and bucky being worried over reader, reader is mentioned to be a victim of hydra, Reader does not know or remember bucky or Steve in this part! This is mainly backstory to explain reader!! please let me know if I missed any!!

________________

As the next missions continue to come, the murder, the crime, the fraying of your brain, the pain, the burning, the destroying of the sweet person you used to be continued on as well. They forced you to only remember the metal armed man as a traitor and a nuisance to your work. You continued your pattern of jobs for a few more weeks until the day came, where your mission got compromised, the day you were supposedly “saved” from the terror and the experiments.

You slide down the side of the building, bracing yourself for impact while repeatedly hitting your abort button, the button that was supposed to get you safely back into your handler's possession, apparently, they lied.

The moment you pressed that button you were on your own, you were no longer their responsibility. They didn’t care if you died or lived.

Why weren’t they coming?

After everything you had done for them,

They. Weren’t. Coming.

You flew off of sight from your eventually to be boyfriends, and you start to shake as you somehow escape downtown, trying to keep off the radar.

To help you try and keep away from those chasing you down, you sneak in and out of a thrift shop, raiding the clothes that you could find to be able to hide yourself.

You carefully break into a apartment that used to be a place for soldiers under hydra to stake-out, but had turned into a ghost town after they changed locations. Sitting in the bathroom after finding old sewing supplies, you slowly piece your flesh back together after being grazed and hit with a few shots.

When you would get harmed after missions, you never received medical attention unless it was to fix something massive like the time 3 of your fingers went missing. Other than that they threw sewing supplies at you and you had to figure it out.

After 4 hours of doing your best to sew yourself up, you clammer to the corner of the bedroom and under the side table. You position yourself where you cant be seen but you can easily hear if someone enters the apartment. If someone as much as makes a move 4 streets over you’ll know.

You were pumped with similar serum as to your metal armed traitor of a partner. Your senses were so heightened that sleeping was the worst thing to have to do but even after all those training sessions and all of those experiments, you were still somewhat human.

You spend a few hours getting a minimal amount of sleep before you end up waking up and climbing out from under the table. You’re so used to being in a cage that you feel almost concerned being able to now walk freely among other people. How were you not being locked up and trapped again?

Why was life doing everything in its power to trap you in a place between hell and eternal living of the damned? You mindfully check every window, closing the blinds and making sure its completely sealed shut before you move on to the doors, vents, and anywhere else someone could hear you or try and make a move on you.

You search for food in the kitchen, but to no avail. When the place was left behind after hydra expanded, they totally ransacked the place. That means you’d have to go out for food.

As you leave to go and try and find food, you try to mimic everything around you, how people walk, the way their arms move, how they look at others, you were analyzing everything to try and fit in to survive. You just needed food and then you could go stake out back at the apartment.

When you get to a fresh food market, you walk in and steal whatever you could afford to slide by people before quietly sneaking out the back and getting back to your apartment the same way you originally went.

You do your best to live this way for weeks. you never go out, you never are seen anywhere that wast necessary. When you do have to go out whether it be for food or anything important to you, you do it as fast and efficiently as possible. You’re always checking over your shoulder.

As the weeks continue on, your confusion starts to bloom as memories of how you were before being held by your leaders, eventually floods into your mind, one by one ripping a piece of you apart.

The pain of seeing faces of people in your brain that you just can't put a name to, or a place, or anything. Who were they? Why did you feel like you should know them? Why know was it only resurfacing? Were you supposed to know them?

The nightmares begin as you attempt to sleep through countless nights, you remember how every surgery they did felt, the way the serum felt when they would inject numerous variants of it into your blood before shoving you either back into the cryostasis chamber or put back in your cell.

Memories begin to flood your mind at all times of the day, the countless faces you faced before they tried to make you suffer. The many scientists who experimented on you to turn you into the monster that was only just a pet. With the amount of pain and suffering your body went through, you weren’t sure the memories were even yours. The sensors to all of your memories were so frayed and broken that you couldn’t remember them until your body made you borderline live through them again.

There was a time you remembered a family, 2 boys, a mother, and a father. Was that your family? Did you ever have one?

You think about ending it numerous times, you feel pain every time you move, every time you breathe. The scars you stare at for hours, just wondering when did you start to look like you had been touched by the devil himself? You felt nothing but pain and aching pulsing through your veins.

Was this going to drive you to the end?

_____________

Part 4?

[butchtwinkimp]

MINORS DNI!!!

im not marking this post as nsfw, but I will be talking about sex and orgasms in relation to transness in this post. Minors DNI, you will be blocked. Anyone else reading this keep in mind I will be using language that my sexual partners and I use to describe our own personal sexual activities. If anything in this post is phrased weirdly or in a way you deem offensive- remember that this post is not about you or your experiences (I would still like to hear about your experiences if you think it would contribute to the conversation). Thank you. ———————————

Are there any other transmascs out there that have had problems with orgasms pre and post transition?? Just came across a post from a transfem talking about how different orgasms are for them now, with many other trans fems agreeing in the replies/reblogs. My fiancé is a trans woman and she has shared with me (as well as me just being there to witness it lol) how different and powerful her “girl orgasms” are. And like,,, im so happy for you all but damn 😭 im so fucking jealous.

In the post i am referring to the OP also talked about how her orgasms feel very similar to how cis lesbians describe”the female orgasm”, kind of an all over the body feeling that leaves you wanting more. Ive now listened to both cis and trans women (&fems) alike describe the earth shattering experience of having an orgasm, and im honestly kind of upset that I will probably never know what that feels like 😔

Before I started T, it was incredibly hard for me to ever come, for a very long time I was convinced I just couldn’t. I had managed to do it a few times, either from masturbation or from veeeerrryyy specific sex positions (me on top) and everytime it required clitoral stimulation. But even when I could reach an orgasm, its was never that same magical experience I had heard so many women describe. It was like i could only feel the pressure building up, with no pleasurable release. “Coming” for me was just going until my clit was too sensitive to continue, but it never felt like a wave of release washing over my body, just sudden overstimulation.

When my gf started medically transitioning and she first started having “girl orgasms”, i remember her crying and going “holy shit is this what its like?! I never wanna stop!!” And while of course im very happy for her and its fun to get her in that state, I cant help but feel jealous and betrayed by my own body lmao.

i was hoping going on T would “fix” me, and dont get me wrong T has genuinely changed so much about my sex life (as an example I no longer identify as someone on the asexual spectrum! I am constantly horny as fuck!!) but im starting to think my body is just broken. I can come a lot easier now, and ive had maybe one or two orgasms in the 7 months ive been on T that genuinely left me satisfied. Mostly its just… the same. Its a little bit easier for me to orgasm now but they still arent particularly mind blowing, mostly just overstimulating. And i cant help but feel… cheated? By my own body?

Ive listened to so many trans people go on about how hormones drastically improved their sex life, and while it did somewhat improve mine, I feel like I got robbed of a greater experience. Im so happy for everyone finally feeling right and comfortable in their sex lives but damn it really feels like I got left behind sometimes 😔

I am friends with more trans fem people than trans mascs, so usually Im hearing the same story of how much better orgasms have become, so I am curious of how HRT has affected other trans mascs and mens sex lives. Am I the only one perpetually disappointed in my own body or is this a somewhat common experience for people with vaginas? Please dont be afraid to tell me about your own experiences in the replies/reblogs, I am open to hearing from everyone, not just other transmascs :)

[mrvenuspluto]

HIDDEN ( 12TH HOUSE SUN ) AGENDA

The soul might feel the power and authority within but cant project it into reality , which can cause self entitlement and distancing theirselves from others and social gatherings . They feel like they cant be seen or heard like their past life experience . This placement can bring an old soul who had many life time experiences and here to live out a last physical experience or not other factors can change up the observations . These souls may find greater outlets , opportunities and like minded souls abroad or in distant foreign lands . For example i have 12th house placement myself , life has been very interesting in a private , ether realm way , at times you may feel distance and alone in a room full of people you know or may not , even close love ones . Your senses are heighten you pick up on things others cant see , hear , smell or phantom . The sun here helps shine light on your subconcious , fears, gifts , talents , habits , and your new souls granted potential and mission . What i learned once you put in good deeds , accept change and live in your new spiritual light and journey you will regain all your positive , attributes , power , respect , and abundance that your soul has been yearning for , but in a new profound light . Balancing material realm from spiritual realm can be difficult for the unevolved and evolved soul , thats why its important to learn thy self , go within , understand , the subconscious realm and hear what its trying to tell you and teach you , follow your soul not your mind your mind and you will open doors you never knew existed . Your light will be like the light house on the ocean shore in the darkness , on a vacant island , where many lost souls end up coming to find answers , knowledge , wisdom , insight and the great beacon of light to help them back on their paths . It may be other people who have 12th house placements with personal planets like mars , jupiter , venus etc .... my opinion they dont compare to having the sun in this house . The sun is your vitality , essence , urge , identity purpose , life force , inner light , true expression ( thats why leo is the sun / 5th house expression ) which gets projected from your ascendant . I look at mars , venus etc... as attributes you use while you are in this body , so when they are in the 12th house its a lost of your attributes , and help from them on a material and physical aspect , but they are used in a spiritual way they are not here to be used physically . Certain placements like mars here could make a soul very frustrated and have alot of repressed anger and energy they cant express physically , and a unevolved soul would be in bitterness and self chaos in their own head , when they just need a self outlet and way to express it mentally , spiritually or doing a good deed that takes their mental strength and inner desire . This also may bring a father that was absent , intoxicated , addicted to something or incarcerated . At first i use to look at this placement as being bad but over the years of learning , self development and understanding this placement , i overstand , the deeper meaning . You are able to focus on you , your mental , spiritual nature , hidden gifts and get a break from material obligations and be of service to others who are dealing with 12th house issues as well , mental illness and depression etc. This placement can make you be a real life psychologist , medium , clairvoyant , clairaudience , claircognizance , clairsentient , i think professor x had a 12th house sun placement the way he could use his mind , and see into future , tap into others thoughts , manipulate things , and energy and know the rest of his students powers and know how to teach them how to control and balance them. remember you are not your natal chart you are you control your own destiny and create your own reality .

[cult-of-the-eye]

Mag 81 A Guest for Mr Spider

FUCK FORMER HEAD ARCHIVIST

Wait I need to check the timelines - this was 2 days after leitner's death

New spooky music???

My man is so fucking dramatic I love him so much "grand of sand behind my eye" love the way he speaks

Yeah FUCK JURGEN LEITNER

Omg the greying hair is canon??

Child in the 90s makes him at most 27 GOD DAMN. I was imagining like mid 30s...can you imagine a fucking 27 yr old using words like "ilk" when talking to you

Oh shit he's an orphan poor guy

Yeah ok a lot of his personality seems to make sense if you realise he was raised by his grandma

You know those memes that are like people raised by their grandparents are exceptionally polite but in a brisk way, talk fancy and are super posh? Yeah that's him.

Getting such neurodivergent vibes

Yeah he sounds like a main character from the start Jesus Christ he's such a kid who got traumatised and then grows up to be a horror protagonist vibes

My First Leitner lol like kids had to be introduced to them at a young age like those my first toys

He's so funny I can just imagine him as an 8 yr old getting super like affronted at this like how dare my grandma think I am of subpar intelligence he's such a little bitch from the start

"The eponymous Mr spider" even talking about his childhood trauma he's busting out the vocabulary

Fuck that story actually kinda rattled me I had my hand over my mouth in shock for most of it

I think it was the bit where the horsefly brought his son and they were both crying that got me, I could definitely imagine it scaring an 8 yr old

The way it drags out as well, with the pages of the same scene it really heightens the suspense

Is his childhood bully someone we should keep track of?? Love how he says Michael probably cause he sees him as a bully lol

It's interesting how despite him bullying him (quite badly seeing as though he beat him up) he's still like yeah but he saved my life and that means he deserves to be remembered

My bro didn't save your life on purpose, he was just trying to make it worse and happened to come to a terrible fate cause of that

I guess underneath it all he was still a kid who watched someone die, knowing they'd get eaten by a fucking spider, he still held him in some regard

The way he specified the guy was his bully even after he was being eaten though lol

He was desperate to get the book back? That's a leitner thing I guess, the book makes you want to keep it so it can finish whatever it wanted to do to you

On my relisten (which I will do once I've finished the series I'm sure of it), I'll have to look out for any reaction of leitners name

I wonder why Jon didn't react more to Carlos vittery's statement, like it must've terrified him? I saw a post a while back explaining Jon's thoughts and IT WAS GENIUS it was like of course he doesn't react, he must be terrified that someone knew about his experience and somehow did this to mess with him or it was a joke and he can't let anyone know that the Head Archivist is not Good at This ugh it's so good I'll tag it if I can find it

AHHHHH HE REGRETS DISMISSING THE OTHER STATEMENTS AHHHHHH

HE FINALLY ADMITS THAT HE NEEDS HELP WE LOVE THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT YES YOU FUCKING DO BITCH.

yeah at least he's right about Elias killing leitner

GEORGIE THE EX GIRLFIEND

ITS SO WEIRD TO SEE HIM ACTUALLY NICE TO SOMEONE WOW HIS VOICE CHANGES SLIGHTLY AS WELL HES LESS ACADEMIC

THE ADMIRAL

Awwww he's so cute with georgie

GHOST PODCAST GHOST PODCAST

THE WHAT THE GHOST T SHIRT IS CANON???? AHH THATS SO CUTE

Can he not go back to his own flat?? Did he bring all his clothes to the archive and then subsequently leave them there? Does he even have a flat??

God Georgie is so nice I would kill for her

It's so funny that an apparent supernatural cynic dated a ghost podcaster

WOW SEASON 3 OFF TO AN AMAZING START I CANT WAIT TO KEEP LISTENING IM GONNA TELL MY THERAPIST ABOUT THIS TOMORROW!!!

[autisticlee]

words are hard. explaining is hard. remember that while reading

the amount of disabled people on thos website who make posts going against each other makes me so sad. there's too many posts of "such and such people/random person are talking over people like me and making us look/feel bad, but they're wrong and not suffering as much so need to shut up!" can we stop invalidating each other because you claim they're invalidating you by speaking about their struggles????? can we all support each other instead????? ableism within disabled community here is awful.

I get it. sometimes people say a thing and you think it takes away from you or makes you feel bad. but that doesn't mean they did it on purpose/everyone with their condition is doing it on purpose. doesn't mean they know you and your feelings. doesn't mean their feeling is invalid because it hurt yours! and if it's just a thing you saw on tiktok, don't blame entirety of people with the condition because one or two people on tiktok don't speak for everyone! (not everyone uses tiktok either so don't act like everyone is getting info from there)

it's so frustrating and disappointing! can't say anything on here without upsetting and offending another disabled person because many different or new reasons every day! like you didn't mention that they have it worse or say yourself isn't suffering as much. or you use a phrase or word thar helps you but another group gatekeeps it. or you're simply "talking over" people you don't even know that decided you don't suffer and struggle enough because they "have it worse" and want you to talk about THEM and not just yourself. on your own blog. but somehow know to mention them and advicate for them so they don't have to or something???? is confusing.

words are hard. hard to explain this!!! but is frustrating and upsetting to see many disabled people here targeting each other more than ableds. example there's many posts of physical disabled vs ND, acting like being ND can't be disability. do you want to borrow my brain and see if it disables you more????? sometimes see opposite where ND is harder than physical disability. do you want to borrow my body and see if you can live easily??? see many physical disabled vs other physical disabled, example "cane user can't complain because I need wheelchair!" type things. or ND vs ND "I have more ND than you because I cant do *thing* alone but you can so you can't complain about struggling because you're talking over my bigger struggles"

I GET IT. everyone wants to feel valid and not feel talked over and all that stuffs. but stop fighting each other!!!!! stop invalidating each other because you feel invalidated/assume they are trying to invalidate you. is nothing but invalidating loop!!!! stop assuming everyone must talk about you and your struggle before their own because you think their voice shared means yours is blocked. stop having disability "Olympics" in which you jump through metaphoric hoops to prove you're more disabled and deserve most attention and more voice and everyone below is taking that away! learn how to support each other because we know ableds don't like supporting us!!!!!! we all suffer and struggle. why act like fellow disableds don't or arent allowed!! 😭😭😭😭😭 this is for both people that use tiktok to do "quirky" stuff or are able to push through struggles and want to act like everyone can too. and people with higher support needs that think lesser needs have super easy life and talk over them if they make post about their struggles. I see both!!!! a lot!!

never see anyone talk about ableism within disabled community and how it is bad for all of us!!!! but sure see lot of.......

I know. i'm bad at words. dont try to misunderstanding and attack and be mad at me! if you experience real problem with this you are valid in your feel. you can feel! but maybe don't do generalizing and invalidate all because one person or a few or tiktok did or said things you don't like. that make sense???

[reluctanttrabbit]

since you have come to my aid with writing prompts so much in the past in my times of need I will try my best

gregory and vanessa gaming and squabbling with eachother

vanessa and Gregory going to get icecream on a little weekend trip. maybe something sad happened to them and it's their way of trying to feel better

Vanessa's moment of reclaiming her rainbow hair and how she works up the courage alongside Gregory and freddy

vanny gets reprimanded by glitchtrap/mimic for a small mistake and her and rab bicker over it like siblings "oooh ur in trouble" (or vice versa)

since you said you wanted to practice dialogue, maybe Gregory and vanessa texting eachother

a little bonding moment between 3 star fam recent to the end of sb while they're still getting to know each other

vanessa being called to Gregory's school for a meeting because he got into a fight/something else

good luck my mutual o7

OH MY GOD percy to the rescue :sob: i might do a few of these actually this is so helpful

long post ahead!! i enjoyed this so much

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3. The End of the Rainbow

A man and a dog walks by. Then a group of students. Then one person on a phone call.

"Okay, uhhh... try and find someone wearing a bunch of colors."

Vanessa, Gregory and Freddy ('s head) sit by their apartment's window, eyes scanning everyone that passes by. The last few raindrops on the window fall down as the sun shines on their faces like a hug.

"A bunch?" Gregory asks. "How much would a bunch be? Like two, or five colors, whats the limit here?"

Vanessa laughs. "Dude, I don't know! Let's say four. Four colors in one outfit."

Gregory nods diligently, treating this minigame like a quest. The odd little family had spent the day inside after nonstop hours of raining, and people-watching was their one of many ways of entertainment.

Gregory and Freddy fight for victory, while Vanessa's mind wanders off a bit. She starts to focus on the weather more than the people, as rain pours down its last bits of water. Her eyes fall on a specific part of the sky, where it looks.. blurry. She focuses more, now understanding shes looking at a rainbow. The colors are dull, but they're still there, trying their best to shine.

Something about that rainbow felt important to Vanessa.

She comes back to reality to find Gregory off of the couch and now spinning around with Freddy in his arms, like how parents spin their kids.

"Gregory, please be careful!" Freddys warns between laughter. If robots could get dizzy, Vanessa guessed Freddy would be by now.

Vanessa steals one more look of the rainbow and stands up, ruffling Gregory's hair and balancing him while making her way to her bedroom. Clothes and plushies are strewn across the floor, almost with no care. I definitely have to start cleaning up, she thinks. She walks down the path of fallen rabbits and lambs and old flannels to her bed and lets herself fall onto it.

It had only been two weeks after Gregory, Vanessa and Freddy had been freed from the pizzaplex. Years of her life had gone by, and some parts she cant even remember, all because of the virus. But on one hand, Vanessa was glad Gregory was in the same condition. He didn't deserve to remember it. To experience it. To know that he took a part in it.

Vanessa fiddles with her sweater sleeves before she gets right back up and rummages through her closet. An old photo album, something from her mother.

Vanessa looks fondly at pictures of baby her, then pictures of teen her and her friends, with some scenery. The last and most recent picture was of Vanessa and her coworkers at the old VR company she had worked for.

And she noticed something.

Young, 19-year old Vanessa with rainbow streaks in her curly hair.

"..Hey Greg, you wanna go to the store for a sec?"

--

"You used to dye your own hair?" Gregory asked, sitting on the bathtub watching as Vanessa puts a towel and gloves on.

"A lot, yeah. But I barely remembered that it was rainbow once, usually I just did... blue and pink, or something."

"That is a very unique fact, Ms. Vanessa!" Freddy remarked, cushioned on a towel on the floor.

"Really?" Vanessa chuckled.

"Uh, hell yeah. You didn't have to ask for permission or anything, you just did it. It's rad." Gregory piped back in.

Vanessa felt her smile grow bigger as she heard the boy. From what she remembered of her in-between memories (a name Vanessa and Gregory use for the things they can remember when they were under the virus' control) she knew Gregory was a runaway. She never inquired why out of respect, but she thought it was be related to his parents. After all, she did that herself.

"Do you wanna help, then?" she turned around. Gregory practically jumped up at the request, and started opening the packaging.

"I have no idea how to do this, so you're gonna have to guide me." Vanessa took the first few colors, and faltered for a second.

"That's, uh... me neither, actually. God, I forgot that much?"

"Hey, its okay. I'll just grab your phone and pull up a video." Gregory did his best to reassure Vanessa, and she was more than happy for that. Once Gregory left the room, she turned to the mirror and studied herself.

She remembered how the virus wouldn't let her keep her rainbow streaks, especially after that one IT guy told her he liked them. What was his name? She'd have to log back into her company email at some point, if she still even had access to it.

"Are you okay, Of- Vanessa?" Freddy asked. she nearly forgot the bear (head) was in the room with her.

"Yeah, yeah. Just thinking."

"..Would you like to think together?" Vanessa laughed at that. That was Freddy's way of asking if he could hear her thoughts and give her a solution. Vanessa sat down against the bathtub, adjusting herself.

"I'm not sure how to articulate it to you.." she sighs. "Ok. I feel kind of... scared to do this. There's no rational reason why, but I've been dying my hair ever since I was 14. I started because I wanted to rebel against my dad, I guess."

"He wouldn't let you do it?"

"In a way. He didn't approve of it, so of course I wanted to rub it in his face. But something about the rainbow streaks is different. It just is."

They sat in silence. Vanessa was never going to get over how awkward it was to talk to a robot.

"I believe.. it is because you were a different person then. This is before you were controlled, correct?"

Vanessa nods.

"I see. You were different before you got controlled, and you were able to do what you wanted. But when you got controlled, it scared you. It made you listen. And now that you are free, you are still used to feeling like you are controlled. And maybe the virus did not allow you to dye your hair, so you are scared to dye your hair in fear of punishment."

Vanessa cant help but let her jaw drop a bit.

"That was... really insightful, Freddy. How did you just explain PTSD??"

If the bear still had his body, Vanessa assumed he would have shrugged. "I am not sure what that is, but I trust that answered your question, yes?"

"More than enough, bud." She reflected on Freddy's words and smiled at him, waiting for Gregory,

--

The end credits to Rapunzel rolled as the three were cuddled up on the couch. Only a few lights were on, and everyone was doing their best to not doze off(or in Freddy's case, power off). Vanessa had her hair up in a towel, with her sweater visibly stained.

"One more movie?" she asked the room. Gregory hummed a yes, and Vanessa got up to the DVD player and sifted through her collection

"Alright, uh.. 'Beetlejuice'? Is that appropriate for you?" she questioned.

"I feel like I shouldn't be the one to answer that," Gregory said from across the room. "But if you put it on, I wouldn't complain."

Vanessa waited for the DVD player to eject the disc and set Beetlejuice in, getting up to crawl back into her spot on the couch. But her phone alarm went off.

"Oh, I can probably take this out now." she redirected to pick up her phone and went straight for the bathroom.

"I wanna see!' Gregory bolted up, before backtracking to take Freddy with him and following suit.

Everyone huddled around the mirror as Vanessa unraveled the towel and let her hair loose. The right side of her hair was a vibrant rainbow, with her hair still a bit wet, but Vanessa couldn't have been happier. Everyone was in awe of how the color turned out.

"Could you dye my hair blue?" Gregory whispered breathlessly, and Vanessa chuckled.

"We'll save that for tomorrow, squirt."

Gregory along with Freddy made his way back into the living room as Vanessa lagged behind for a bit.

In that moment, it hit her that she was finally free from the virus. From the virus, and from her dad. She now has her own place, with her own family, and shes her own person again.

She liked to think that dying her hair was now a middle finger to both of them. Being free in general was a middle finger to both of them.

And slowly but surely, she was recovering.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4. Get Out of My Room

Maybe something in Vanny had wanted to let that kid go. She saw herself in their terrified eyes, and how they wanted to be free. Maybe Vanessa had gotten through to her somehow. But none of it mattered, because now she was getting a lecture full of technical nonsense.

"Task failed. Goal not achieved. Goal: bring [ENDOSKELETON] to [MIMIC_01]. [MIMIC_01] breaks off limbs and heads."

Vanny rolled her eyes. She zoned out and paid no attention to the Malhare, waiting for it to stop talking. She was good at waiting. Its all she seemed to do. Wait for commands. Follow through, no matter the command.

"Do you understand, [VANNY]?" the glitching rabbit now turned to Vanny, floating closer and closer until she couldn't take it.

"..Yes."

"Don't let anyone or anything lead you astray. Again."

Vanny couldn't help but snort at the 'again' bit. She recomposed herself. "Yes."

"Good. Rest."

Vanny practically burst out of the ruins of that old pizzeria, pulling that horrid mask off and wanting more than anything to get back into her- Vanessa's office. Their only sanctuary.

But of course, she couldn't have what she wanted.

"What happened in there?" Dr. Rabbit, her coworker asked. Funny enough, her coworker was a 12-year old kid, out of his suit and only wearing a blue Bonnie mask.

"None of your business." Vanny retorted.

"What, did you get grounded or something?"

"No, I won a vacation, actually. So I'll never have to see you again."

"Vacations aren't endless, stupid."

"Oh my god, shut up.." she growled as the kid followed her up to the elevator.

They piled into the unstable excuse for an elevator, and sat in silence as the pizzaplex's distorted theme played.

"Once we change, or once you change, can we grab some pizza?" Rab asked his partner.

"..You're paying." Vanny leaned against the railing.

"No fair, this kid is homeless! And the pizza here is always like $20!" Rab protested.

"That hasn't stopped you yet, has it?"

"Well geez, have some pity."

Vanny chuckled as they reached the top, making sure to step over the debris and rubble. A few feet behind her, she heard Rab shriek and hit the ground.

"Oh my god, are you-" she caught herself. Don't offer help. Remember.

"...I'm fine." he winced.

"You are very obviously not fine." she lent out her hand. It was a few seconds before Rab took it.

"Are you good? Can you walk?"

"Um.. I don't know." he shifted. Maybe it was too awkward for them to be nice to eachother, as odd as that sounded.

"Forget about it, I'll pay for the pizza." Vanny supported Rab as they traveled up the stairs to the empty Roxy Raceway

"Well, I was gonna make you one way or another." Rab muttered.

They both laughed. Maybe they didn't have to be best buddies, but they could be allies. They were both stuck in the same boat.

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7. (idk what to name this one im tired. update later maybe)

Vanessa tapped the steering wheel over and over and she waited at the red light. Just a few minutes ago, she had gotten a call to come to Gregory's school. She didn't know what to expect. Did he get hurt? Did he hurt some other kid? Was he skipping? The anxiety was eating at her.

Freddy sat politely in the passenger's seat right next to Vanessa, with the seat belt tight on him.

"I am sure it has nothing to do with his grades, Vanessa. He is a smart kid."

"I know Fred, that's the problem. If its not about his grades he could be hurt or something." She turned left down the street where his school was, with the sidewalks full of students coming back from lunch.

"Ok, for.. obvious reasons, you're staying in here. I'll update you as soon as I can, okay?" She told the bear as she settled into a parking spot and closed the door. Her heart was racing at this point.

Vanessa stepped into the school, looking around for the office as groups of preteens walking by gave her weird looks. She looked at a wall with a window and saw chocolate brown hair that she'd recognize anywhere. She strolled over and knocked on the office door, to be greeted by a secretary or a principal; Vanessa wasn't sure.

"Hello, Vanessa." the man greeted her. "I'm Mr. Raglan, nice to meet you." Vanessa shook hands with Mr. Raglan and nodded.

"You too, uhh... so what was the problem? Is Gregory ok?" she asked, hoping she didn't sound like she was on the verge of a panic attack. She was.

"Oh, well the problem.. Let's take a seat."

Vanessa looked to her right and lo and behold, Gregory was sitting balled up in his chair, like a stray dog flinching at a human's touch. His best friend Cassie was sitting in the chair beside him, looking embarrassed to have her first impression to Vanessa be in the school's office. The two kids beside them in their chairs had recently been crying, one of them with an ice pack. Their parents glared at Vanessa, and she immediately looked away.

What the hell did Gregory do?

--

"I'm sure if we like.. posted about it, they'd reach out to us. Right?" Cassie laid out on the grass of the school's playground.

Gregory laid parallel to her. He admired how she thought it would be this easy to find his friends. It had been a year since Gregory broke free of the virus, and learned about his old friend group. Tony(who also happened to be one of the missing kids), Ellis, and Amelia. He learned from Cassie that Amelia goes to a different school, and Ellis and his family had moved entirely. Gregory had lost hope in Tony a long time ago. But theres a part of him that wants to believe he made it out, somehow. Maybe Rab let him go? Gregory wouldn't remember.

"I don't even know if they'd want anything to do with me anymore. To be honest, I always thought Amelia hated me."

"What? No, you guys got along so well! You two are the exact same person. I'm sure of it."

Gregory snickered at that.

"And I'm sure that they're also worried about you. I mean.. I dont know if you'd remember it, but Ellis was a mess when he heard about Tony. He was even worse when he heard about you."

Gregory teared up a bit, considering his options.

"..Yeah, we should try and find them. Where would we post it?"

"Snapchat or Tiktok, I dunno." Cassie remarked. "I still have their accounts."

Suddenly, they felt two shadows over them. A couple of eighth graders; Gregory couldn't remember their names.

"Hey guys, what are we talking about?" the girl asked. Violet, or Vivian.

Crap. Gregory blanked.

"Comics. We're, uh.. gonna make one."

The boy, Mark, snorted. "What, like Captain Underpants? You guys think you're George and Harold?"

"Captain Underpants was kinda good." Cassie muttered.

"That's fair. Y'know, you should make a comic about how Gregory went missing. And with that other kid.. what was his name? Terry?" Mark asked.

Gregory took a deep breath.

"Hey, shut up maybe?" Cassie told the duo, now standing up to block herself between them and Gregory.

"Yeah, like actually don't say that," Violet whispered to her friend.

"Dude, its fine, Greg came back! But the other one didn't.. awww."

Cassie took Gregory by his hand and stormed off. Gregory couldn't be more grateful for her. He was on the verge of crying until he felt his feet go up and his face hit the grass.

"Holy sh-"

Gregory bounced right back up, visibly in pain, but shoved Mark back. He stumbled, but laughed at the push.

"God, at least hit me like a guy."

And with that, Gregory practically threw himself at the kid who was older and bigger than him. But he didn't care about the odds. He was in danger, and he chose fight instead of flight. Students crowded around as Gregory started to zone out and not focus on his actions, and how much his body hurt, but just act. He was pulled apart by Cassie and Violet, with Gregory now noticing the crowd; some watching in shock and some instigating the fight. A teacher emerged through the crowd and pulled them apart like they were small dogs fighting over food.

Gregory didn't care that everyone was watching. He didn't care that the teacher was mad. But what he did care about, is that the principal would definitely call Vanessa.

--

"Is there anything you want to say, Gregory?" Mr. Raglan asked. Vanessa watched as her kid, the kid who just explained his side of the story and how he was attacked, had to apologize.

"..I'm sorry for what I did. It was irrational, and I only furthered the problem." Gregory said in tears. Cassie sat silently as her uncle stood behind her, who had arrived a few minutes after Vanessa.

"Its okay. I'm sorry for starting it." Mark replied dryly.

"..And I'm sorry for taking part in it." Violet admitted, staring at the ceiling.

The principal turned to face Cassie.

"Um.. I'm sorry for saying shut up." Cassie said to Mark, although unsure why she had to apologize.

Some tension had been lifted from the room. Not all tension, but some. Vanessa texted Freddy, telling him they'd be done in a few minutes. Vanessa and Gregory were asked to stay behind.

"Now Vanessa, what punishment do you think would be best suited for Gregory?"

Vanessa blanked.

"Uhh... Detention tomorrow, I'll excuse him for the rest of the day."

Mr. Raglan nodded and excused them. The two awkwardly left the school, avoiding everyone else and made their way to the car. Vanessa moved Freddy to the back seat letting Gregory sit in the front. They sat in silence for a bit.

"...Do you want some Wendy's?"

"Oh my god, yes please."

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THAT WAS SO FUN omg ok sleepy time. thank you percy puhpandas,,, maybe i'll take a crack at these other ones later but this is good enough for now

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

Pmd9: Wolf Moon '24: Update;

greetings all i've been taking ttime /offline/ to reflect upon my inner self its been rly helpful i will continue a little longer.. I got into this state ovr the past few months where i felt like i had to fill every empty moment w someone elses thoughts, or beautiful stimulating imagery, any time i was bored or uncomfortable i just wanted to scrooooollllll . . . i started to feel like i was losing mysedf @_@ & losing myself ON purpose, at that

lately i began to long for this feeling i felt as a teen, b4 smartphone was everywhere, when i used to jst have to like. stare at the wall for long periods or look out the window and retreat into contemplation or fantasies to occupy myself. like in the ambient moments of waiting. or if i didntwant to think that day, i wld invent a task for myself , draw, go for a walk, ask my friend to hang out, find stuff to take photos of.. the internet was at it's most fun cus it was reserved for when u had time to be at the computer so it felt like more of a treat instead of being~everything~

it kinda hit me like oh i can pretty easily feel that way again ! just got to sternly banish the phone. And let me tell u it feels reallll niiice....i been playinggg all day long tbh i been having a blast. granted my reality has improved a lot recently so its easier to disconnect, but yea i duno its like dangg things r looking up & i want to b present for this part of my life. :*

its freaky how even holding the phone is so addicting?? does anyone else have that? i have rly restless hands so i noticed them searching for that thingy to hold. like i dont even think usning the internet is That harmful its just better left to computer-moments. i dont plan on ever stopping posting cus i looove posting i just cant b so *online* rn i cant b as engaged w "feeds" im burnt outtt

even after just a few days break i feel my thougts flowing better, a lot more true to me, i remember why i luv working on my stuff :+)

Soo lets see, some stuff i been up tooo ummm: i DEEP CLEANED my room / rearranged for better feng shui, added new pages to my website, work on music every day, yoga every day, started figure drawing class(!!), going strong w herbal tea regiment, joirnalling.. playing acnl evry night ^^ talking to my mom and grandma a lot which has been rly sweet and new for me. oh & pochita's eyes healing up perfect after her surgery a few weeks ago~~

thats pree much all the update i have for now.. tldr need to get serious about making sure my thoughts r my own & keeping grounded in reality. hope everyone having a pleasant full moon's experience tonight ^^ Since its Wolf's Moon maybe try howling at it..

Yours Truly,

-Pink_Moon_Doll_9_Shih_Tzu_9

P.S. today in the wolf moon yoga video i did she talked about how the most successful wolf packs r the packs that r most diverse..a pack where everyone has their own unique skills so they can come together to help each other in any situation. U dont got to b like everyone else, just lean into being the best version on YoU ^^ thought it was a sweet sentiment to contemplate over this moon. <3

[rainbowstargazerlilies]

Mechs Ships Tournament: Shipping Round 5 Poll 2

Propaganda:

Arthur/Gwen/Lancelot:

that one post where its like theyre the us government but if it actually did whst it said it did. three different people of equal power keeping each other in check. also they aLMOST SAVED THE STATION WITH THE POWEROF LOVE [Pollrunner's note: post here]

POLYAMORY

I just love them a lot and blood and whiskey is so good and ”maybe just this once there could be a happy ending” makes me cry every time 

blood and whistey

the track where they decide

Polymechs:

They're inseparable they hate each other they would die for each other they actively enjoy killing each other ect ect ect

Look they're immortal and stuck in a spaceship you don't think they've hit all possible combinations over the years and settled into a weird comfortable vibe you can only get if youve murdered, been murdered, and had sex with every one (maybe minus nastya) of your friends?

immortal space pirats.... cuddle piles, romantic... not romanticm... poly mechs <3

(Points to every album) there thats my propaganda. But in all seriousness they are a group of immortals with nothing to do but sing and love each other in their own fucked up ways <3 

Chaotic little guys on a ship for a long time, the relationship web they got going on could rival the coven web

you cant tell me you would live with people for millions of years without it getting even a little gay.

Polygamy

when you spend millennia doing music and violence and shenanigans with the same 8 other people on a ship (and when the ship is technically another person), there's bound to be some group canoodling

i care them

they're everything to each other!!!

i refuse to pick

it’s polymechs!! what isn’t to love

Look at them.

how could you pick individual ships when they are so good together!! with the exception of nastya + jonny cos they are siblings your honour.

a lot of people have polymechs with her and aurora being monogamous but she canonically has queer orgies. on mechs tumblr account she describes herself as "The only one seemingly capable of a committed, responsible and fair relationship" so polymechs with all of relationships besides nastyaurora being on and off and everchanging is both the best polymechs and the most canon compliant polymechs to me

The idea that they're crewmates. You ask one of them what their relationship is with another and they say, "That's my crewmate". And then, maybe one of them meets someone on another ship, and they mention they don't have strong feelings about someone because, "they're only my crewmate" And they just cannot comprehend the idea of being crewmates with someone and not having strong feelings about them. They're immortal and half of them hate life, but even if that wasn't true, they'd die for any of the others a million times over. They've murdered billions of people on a whim, but even if that wasn't true, they'd murder anyone if it made one of their crewmate's lives a bit better. Remember how Tim blew up a moon for Bertie? He had only known Bertie for about 10 years. What would he do for people he had known for about 10 millennia? What would Ashes do for the people who would never betray them? What would Nastya do for the people who would always spend time with her and never die? What would Brian do for the people who would always forgive him for following his beliefs? What would Raphaella do for the people who are always willing to help her with her experiments? What would Ivy do for the people who'd always stay and tell their stories? What would the Toy Soldier do for the people who only ordered it to do what it wants to do and always lets it be involved? What would Jonny do for the people he could never permanently hurt? What would Marius do for his family? They all love each other more than anything, even if they don't have the words for it. (via @mchasmfiend)

Other Poll This Round Here :)

[dandthegods]

Working Class Gods

So I am fully aware that this will be so soaked through with bias and based on personal anecdotal “evidence” that it will start dripping down and staining the carpet. If you choose to engage with this, please remember that these are opinions, UPG, and completely pulled from my ass. 

This isn’t meant to be a “hot take”, merely an observation. I think the Gods (of any pagan belief but I’m talking about the Hellenic deities here) are more connected to and more present in the lives of working class and “middle class” people and have always been that way. Let me explain. 

This may just be my bias as someone who has only ever known a working class life, who doesn’t get caught up in the intensity of ritual and research, and has read American Gods about twenty times at this point, but I think the Gods as I know and see them are and always have been of the working classes of society. However you want to define that. I believe the Gods have a deeper and more organic relationship with pagans who identify and live lives at those sort of levels. I am not saying that those who would be considered “upper class” or those who could be categorized as “the 1%” in any given society can’t experience and connect with the Gods. I cant and won’t ever say that. Just the more it turns in my head and stews, the more I believe what I’ve said. 

The Gods are everywhere. They can be found literally anywhere if you look for them. They aren’t limited to the things humans create or the ways we’ve categorized ourselves and them. Aphrodite can just as easily be worshipped by a millionaire Instagram influencer as a teenager who works at Sephora as a job to help her parents pay the rent. Athena can be found walking the aisles of Harvard or Oxford just as much as being among the shelves of a small town bookmobile that is the closest that town has to a library for 100 miles. Dionysus can be found at the biggest and more glamorous galas and events just as well as being able to sit on the couch with a gay teen in Alabama who isn’t out to anyone but their best friend. Apollo can be on the stages of a sold out stadium show just as much as being in the furthest, cheapest back row seat. I could give examples for every Olympian and Titan with a name, but I’ll just leave it there. 

The stories we have are known to have originated as oral traditions. Oral stories told to people until someone wrote them down, and even then they still were told as bedtime stories or around a campfire. It was the populous, the working class, that told those stories most of the time. Sure, an emperor or a queen might tell their children stories sometimes, but a majority of what we have came from the continuous belief and propagation of stories by the farmers, smiths, fishermen and artists. And I think that’s the same as now. Anyone can become enthralled with the stories and mythologies retold, some across a book of retelling in any library. But I think it’s the kids who aren’t in the upper echelons of private school and trust funds are more prone to that discovery and for that to stick with them in a meaningful way. 

I’m lucky that my gods aren’t used by people in positions of power to control society. I’m lucky that my religion isn’t the dominant one and my gods names are being taken in vain to control others. I can’t speak for how the world was in the past when that WAS more likely the case, but for today I can say that I’m glad it isn’t. 

One thing that has always stuck with me about my favorite book, American Gods by Neil Gaiman is how the old gods are on the level of working class people. It has stuck with me into my own fiction writing as well as my beliefs. I do believe that if the Gods were to take physical form and function in today’s society (maybe they do, who knows. I’ve met people I could easily believe were Hephaestus or Hermes), they would take on a working class life and working blue collar jobs. I wouldn’t expect to see any of them taking high positions of power, being politicians or royalty. I would expect to run into them at the DMV, in line at the grocery store, or behind a cash register. I’d expect to see Apollo running a small Etsy shop, Hephaestus to work at a factory, Hermes to run a gas station or auto repair shop, Zeus to be a pilot, Poseidon to be a lifeguard or work at a community pool. 

I see the gods in the everyday. I see them in all the things of my life and connect with them in everything I do, not just when I’m at my altar. Seeing the spectacular in the mundane or the ordinary was how I was raised and how I still work today. The Gods are there in chipped nail polish, calm Sunday mornings, road trips in a cheap car, and in the lyrics of my favorite songs. I started thinking about this more as I was curating a small playlist on Spotify for what I call “My Hymns”. They are regular songs that I associate with the Gods. Some have some spiritual meaning intended for a different deity, and some are just match the ✨vibes✨of the Gods. I listen to that playlist as a devotional act, letting each song remind me of its own god or goddess, letting my singing along or quiet listening be like a hymn being belted out to the rafters of my own private temple. It just gets me thinking about my Gods and it makes me happy. 

I hope this all makes sense and I didn’t mince my words too much. 

Cheers

-D

[torialefay]

Hi Toria, I've sent inboxes to a few blogs, but no one seems to understand and I am just at a loss of what to do or who to talk to. You don't need to post this, I just think you are really kind and would understand, so I guess I just needed to tell someone who could understand where I'm coming from.

Stray Kids new album came out, as I'm sure you know and while I will always support the boys, the 'I Like It' song left me very emotional. I guess it brought up feelings inside of me that I didn't even know that were there based on past 'situationships' I had where that was the mindset. I didn't and still don't fully know why I reacted the way that I did, all I know is that it made me really fucking sad, Toria. I started crying and I didn't even know why, all I knew was that the words hurt, even though everyone else around me was talking about how amazing it was and how they were dancing to it.

The blame isn't on Stray Kids for this obviously, but I feel terrible still. This is the only song that I have ever disliked from them and I feel guilty about it. It also made me feel a bit differently about them and I feel guilty about that too. But I know I cant even say it on my blog because I will get murdered on this app, or called a fake fan, or be called a baby for how it made me feel. I can't help that I feel this way or the experiences I've had.

I don't really know why I'm writing all of this. I am just rambling too much, I have a tendency to do that. Thank you for reading this. Maybe I just needed someone to do it.., someone who I didnt think would judge me. I hope you have a great day, Toria 💕

hi honey, i contemplated posting this just because of what you said at the beginning, but i wanted to make sure that you know i read it and am supporting you from my lil corner of tumblr.

it can be hard to hear songs that get an emotional reaction out of you, and it is only human to do so. i hope you never feel bad about that. just know that it doesn't have to even be through songs. it can be through random things people say, movies, etc.

i'll never forget, one day a group of friends and i were watching a movie together and suddenly one of my friends started to cry uncontrollably. in the plot, there was mention of SA and because none of us had experienced anything like that, we didn't have a sort of emotional reaction. but we learned that day that my friend had been SA'ed and then had those memories flood back in that moment.

although each of us left the movie unaffected (for the most part), i know that movie will always have a negative association in my friend's mind & be remembered as something hurtful. that is absolute NO fault of her own. and for a long time after that, it made me feel very thankful that i'd never had to experience something like that & that i'd be able to go through my life unaffected.

that's a very long-winded way to say: i am so sorry that you've had negative emotions come out of this. and you're right, that has nothing to do with stray kids. i'm sure it is hard to watch people around you love this song while it has brought back bad memories for you. being honest, it also gave me very mixed feelings because of similar reasons. but at the end of the day, i hope you can remember that it is a song and not reality. that may not help at all, and in fact, it probably won't at this moment, BUT hopefully in the future it will be something that can bring you more comfort.

i would genuinely hope that stay wouldn't be upset with you for voicing your opinion & i'm sorry if that's the feedback you've received so far from talking about it. please do not let anyone invalidate your own emotions. it is completely OKAY to dislike a song. and it is completely OKAY for that song to change your views on things. although i do think it is fiction and we should try not to associate people with these fictional scenarios, unfortunately, that's not always how our hearts work.

i'm so sorry for anything you've gone through for these emotions to be brought up. i know it's not an easy thing to go through. you have my support 100%, and PLEASE, if you need anything at all, hop over to my inbox & we can chat some more, okay? ❤️❤️❤️

[biandwantstodiexx]

rachel

rachel and i were polar opposites: she was loud and wild while i was more quiet and tame, despite our differences, both family and friends said we often looked and acted exactly the same

i never understood it. my skin was unremarkable, nothing more than the average bruise. parts of rachel were mutilated. years later she covered half her upper body with tattoos.

we were friends for as long as we could remember. we were both trapped in a world we viewed as a prison. we even grew to like the same type of people. in our late teens we even dated two of the same people

rachel and i met in queen street in the early 2010's both turned 16 in york and toasted our first drink together. i stayed in york while rachel moved around for a number of years.

i had a normal life filled with normal experiences, rachel was much different, i always made an attempt to be social, whereas rachel preferred to stay distant.

she introduced me to this little schizophrenic girl that she met in a psych ward, she said she represents what she didnt think was real. it was a few days after; she called me telling me she had become too numb to feel.

i gave rachel advice, i told her to move back to home because you cant achieve what you dont try. rachel did, when she came back she told me that when you lose the ability to feel, you lose the ability to cry.

i lived a pretty normal life, i eventually found peace, although it took a while, rachel only saw pain]. she said the top of her cheeks hurt when she used to try to smile.

even rachel didnt know when things changed, but she knew when her health went downhill. the medication caused weight gain and disease. in the psychiatric world, hope is in the form of a pill.

i started to see rachel alot more. unforseen stress changed her personality drastically. i even started to see her different. its as if she lived in a different galaxy.

rachel is charlie now, charlies mood swings became unbearable, she lost all but a few friends. charlie cant see her own problems but i assured her ill be here till the end.

i often wonder what changed in her that made her this way, was she made this way by a person? or is part of her brain just deranged?

i see scenarios where charlie would be happy; why cant she? there really is hope outside of those pills. why cant she see?

charlies tattoos started to reflect themes of distrust and betrayal. charlie said shed talk about wanting to die more often, but she didnt want to seem ungreatful.

i knew human beings had good in them. charlie knew they did not. i want to help people, charlie wants to watch your lying corpse rot.

i told charlie these doctors mean it when they swear to do no harm, she said "that ignorance is why i stabbed you in the arm"

neither one of us could agree, because neither one of us could see, that there was never a "we" that i was charlie, and she was me.

[bittertarot]

honestly i agree about going for money in life cause rich ppl get to do so much but us average folk are like too average to have a lavish lifestyle as theirs. heck id even do music if i had any talent not just for money but the things these groups get to do nowadays versus what life was like before social media came about is a huge difference. sometimes its just a matter of being either too old or not young enough to do something like that nowadays as most music groups seem to sadly be getting younger and younger, i also feel like for those who have actual talent honestly id just go for it but theres always smth like age or different circumatances or perhaps not getting the right opportunities either or being somewhat limited in options. i do think life gets to a point where theres fewer options the older you are as its best to learn from a young age in order to succeed and gain that money. idk these are just my opinions you can disagree if you want.

so many folk fretting about fs and whatnot when they really never tried being single like theres not much responsibility besides whoever else is in your life and again honestly i do not think it matters if we do or dont date an fs. i think people were fretting about jungkooks fs so much lately bc they didnt want to be single or wanted jk for themselves and even if idols do date it would never make their fans happy for their idols which is sad

the fact its even called a dating scandal in korea shows how narrow minded it still is like what do people expect idols to be doing? dating rocks? no one? but i also think there would be some uproar regardless bc of who they are or their title as idols. like they can date a normal non idol but their fans still going to be upset that it isnt themselves. ahh well they cant win :( hence why in a way im glad im not an idols fs lol thered still be many cons or in general consequences. i do think idols are a bit more open minded in terms of other cultures and what they might want in their fs but their fans should accept its just never going to be them

sorry for my rambling and sorry for your loss too hope u feel better soon <3 ^^

Hello! So, I don't remember when I said "going for rich people is a good plan" or whatever but I mean there's points to both sides. To accumulate that wealth you need to be willing to put the hard work in, even if you marry into it. If you're a child of a wealthy family, you need to put in the work to maintain that wealth and legacy. It's a chain of hard work - I personally think you can do anything whether you're old, young, etc. It's just a matter of your mindset and how much work you're willing to put in! These days, it's mainly more about the connections you have and the hard work you put in. Social media can make you famous/popular, but it cannot single-handedly generate millions unless your life goal is to be an influencer doing TikTok dances 5 times a day for a living. I think learning certain skills (e.g. budgeting) are important and can help you establish that wealth earlier on, but you can always teach yourself. I have no prior experience owning a business, but the skills I learned throughout daily tasks over the course of my life have helped me to reach a point where an idea is starting to blossom into an actual product. And I agree, being single gives you more time to work on yourself to allow people to enter your life without the situation feeling forced. You get to become more comfortable with yourself, you make life-long connections/friendships, you develop hobbies, stories to tell your future friends, etc. It's a time to establish yourself and experience personal growth when you're single, not stress over finding a new relationship!! I think each relationship, friendship, etc brings a life lesson alongside it - so it doesn't matter whether that person is the person you intend to marry or not. Just enjoy the present without panicking about the future, that's the best advice I can think to tell everyone as well as my past self <33 It is quite sad, a lot of idols seem lonely. Jackson Wang is a prime example of this, he's expressed this loneliness a lot. Idols have the right to be happy without their "fans" criticising them for wanting a future where they have a family or just aren't dancing on stage anymore. That is quite narrow-minded, I think it'd be better if netizens and delusional international fans took a break from Kpop content for a month and got some hobbies, worked on themselves and enjoyed life for a bit. To an extent, I do pity some idols FS that I read for. They seem very closed off/introverted and would not do well if the relationship were to get leaked to the media, especially if their information is also leaked and they are a non-idol. I just hope they will be alright and fans will be more accepting sooner or later ! Idols ideal types may not always be the kind of people they'll marry - but they do definitely know what they like in a person. Fans do need to accept that the most likely case is that it is not them! However, the industry thrives off of parasocial relationships. It's fine, no worries! This discussion has certainly been interesting, feel free to respond to this via another ask if you would like to. And thank you so much :] <3