#i wish i knew more people who experienced gender like i do

[calliphone]

he/him girls... attack!

[gor3sigil]

Before starting T, when I socially transitionned, I was surrounded by radical feminists who saw masculinity as gross and inherently evil, something to avoid, something to make fun of, something to destroy. The other transmascs in my friend group, sometimes, told me that they didn’t knew if they really were non-binary or if they just were scared shitless of saying “I am a man”. Because they saw this as a betrayal to their younger self who had been SAd and abused.

I saw many of my masc friends and trans men around me hate themselves, not outing themselves as men because it would imply so so much, it was like opening the Pandora Box. Even when we were just together, talking about our masculinity was always coated with bits like “I know we’re the privileged ones but…”, “I don’t want to sound like I have it bad but…”, “Women obviously have it worse, but last time…” and we were talking about terrible traumas we experienced while taking all the precautions in the world in the case the walls were a crowd of people in disguise waiting to get us if we didn’t downplay the violence we faced, or like crying and being upset and being traumatized and afraid and scared and to say it out loud would make us throw up the needles we were forced to swallow every second of every day living in our skin.

Most of us weren’t on T yet, some of us were catcalled every day and harassed in the streets or in abusive relationships nobody seemed to care to help them get out of because they were “strong enough” to do it by themselves.

I was using the gender swap face app and cried for ours when I saw my father looking back at me through the screen. The idea of transforming, of shedding into a body that would deprive me of love, tenderness, and safety, was absolutely terrifying. I knew I couldn’t stay in this body any longer because it wasn’t mine, but I also knew that if I was going to look like my dad, my brother, my abusers, it would be so much worse.

5 years later and I’m almost 2 years on T, and almost 2 months post top surgery.

I ditched my previous group of friends. I was bullied out of my local trans community. But let me tell you how free I am.

I was scared that T would break my singing voice: it made it sound more alive than ever.

I was scared that T would make me less attractive: it made me find myself hot for the first time in my life.

I was scared that T would make me gain weight: it did. But the weight I put on is not the weight I used to put on by binging and eating my body until I forgot that it even existed. It’s the weight of my body belonging to me, little by little. The wolf hunger for life.

I won’t tell you the same story I see everywhere, the one that goes “I started going to the gym 8 times a week, I put on some muscles, I started a diet and now I look like an action film actor”, in fact if you took pictures of me from 5 years ago vs now I’d just have more acne, I’d have longer hair and still look like I don’t know what to do with myself when I take selfies.

But the sparkle in my eyes, my smile, tell the whole story way better than this long ass stream of words could ever.

I want to say some things that I wish someone told me before starting medically transitionning.

It’s okay to take your time. It’s your body, it’s your journey, if you don’t feel comfortable taking full doses and want to go slow, the only voice you need to listen to is your own. Do what feels right.

If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to ask for support.

Trans people are holy. Everyone is. You didn’t lose your angel wings when you came out because you want to be masculine. You are not excluded from the joy of existence, from being proud of yourself, from being sad, from being scared, from being angry. The emotions and feelings you allowed yourself to feel while processing what you experienced when you grew up as a girl and was seen as a woman are still as valid as before. Nobody can take that from you. If someone tries to, don’t let them.

It’s perfectly normal to grieve some things you were and had before you started to transition, like your high soprano voice or even your chest. Hatching is painful. You can find comfort in things that don’t feel right, so making the decision to change can be incredibly scary and weird and you deserve to be heard and supported through this. Wanting top surgery doesn’t make the surgery less intense, less terrifying, less painful to recover from. When it becomes too much you have the right to take a break and take some deep breaths before going on.

You don’t have to have a radical, 180° change for your transition to be acceptable or valid or worthy of praise. Look at how far you’ve come already. It doesn’t have to show, you’re not made to be a spectacle, you’re human and it is your journey.

Oh, and last thing, you know when some people say “Oh this trans person has to grow out of the cringy phase where you think that you can write essays about being trans or transitionning or just their experience because it’s weird” ? If you ever hear this or see this online, remember all the people whose writing you read and, even if they were not professional writers, helped you more than any theorists did ? If you want to write, do it. It won’t be a waste. It can help people. Or it won’t, and even then, if it helped you, that’s enough.

Love every of my trans siblings, take care of yourselves. You deserve the world.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Beth Bourne

Published: Feb 27, 2024

Kaiser gender specialists were eager to approve hormones and surgeries, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.”

On September 6, 2022, I received mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminding me of a routine cervical screening. The language of the reminder stood out to me: “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” When I asked my Ob-Gyn about this strange wording, she told me the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of their “transgender” and “gender fluid” patients.

Based on this response, several thoughts occurred to me. Could I expose the medical scandal of “gender-affirming care” by saying and doing everything my daughter and other trans-identifying kids are taught to do? Would there be the type of medical safeguarding and differential diagnosis we would expect in other fields of medicine, or would I simply be allowed to self-diagnose and be offered the tools (i.e. hormones and surgeries) to choose my own gender adventure and become my true authentic self?

If I could demonstrate that anyone suffering from delusions of their sex, self-hatred, or identity issues could qualify for and easily obtain body-altering hormones and surgeries, all covered by insurance as “medically necessary” and potentially “life-saving” care, then maybe people would finally wake up. I certainly had.

I was prepared for failure. I wasn’t prepared for how easy success would be.

* * *

I am a 53-year-old mom from Davis, CA. My daughter began identifying as a transgender boy (social transition) and using he/him pronouns at school during 8th grade. Like several of her peers who also identified as trans at her school, my daughter was a gifted student and intellectually mature but socially immature. This shift coincided with her school’s sudden commitment to, and celebration of, a now widespread set of radical beliefs about the biology of sex and gender identity.

She “came out” as trans to her father (my ex-husband) and me through a standard coming-out letter, expressing her wish to start puberty blockers. She said she knew they were safe, citing information she had read from Planned Parenthood and the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH). To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I was also confused because this announcement was sudden and unexpected. While others quickly accepted and affirmed my daughter’s new identity, I was apprehensive and felt the need to learn more about what was going on.

Events began escalating quickly.

During a routine doctor’s visit scheduled for dizziness my daughter said that she was experiencing, the Kaiser pediatrician overheard her father using “he/him” pronouns for our daughter. The pediatrician seemed thrilled, quickly asking my daughter about her “preferred pronouns” and updating her medical records to denote that my daughter was now, in fact, my son. The pediatrician then recommended we consult the Kaiser Permanente Oakland Proud pediatric gender clinic, where she could get further information and (gender affirming) “treatment.” Now I was the one feeling dizzy.

As I began educating myself on this issue, I discovered that this phenomenon—minors, most often teen girls, suddenly adopting trans identities—was becoming increasingly widespread. It even had a name: rapid onset gender dysphoria, or ROGD. Thankfully, after learning about the potential side-effects of blockers and hormones, my ex-husband and I managed to agree not to consent to any medical interventions for our daughter until she turned 18 and would then be able to make such decisions as an adult.

Over the past five years, my daughter’s identity has slowly evolved in ways that I see as positive. Our bond, however, has become strained, particularly since I began publicly voicing my concerns about what many term as “gender ideology.” Following my daughter’s 17th birthday family celebration, she sent me an email that evening stating she would be cutting off contact with me.

While this estrangement brought me sorrow, with my daughter living full-time with her father, it also gave me the space to be an advocate/activist in pushing back on gender identity ideology in the schools and the medical industry.

I decided to go undercover as a nonbinary patient to show my daughter what danger she might be putting herself in—by people who purport to have her health as their interest, but whose main interest is in medically “affirming” (i.e., transitioning) whoever walks through their door. I am at heart a mother protecting her child.

* * *

My daughter’s sudden decision to become a boy was heavily on my mind in early September of 2022, when mail from my Kaiser Permanente Davis Ob-Gyn reminded me of a routine cervical screening with “Recommended for people with a cervix ages 21 to 65.” I was told that the wording was chosen to be “inclusive” of transgender and “gender fluid” patients.

Throughout the whole 231-day process of my feigned gender transition, the Kaiser gender specialists were eager to serve me and give me what I wanted, which would all be covered by insurance as “medically necessary.” My emails were returned quickly, my appointments scheduled efficiently, and I never fell through the cracks. I was helped along every step of the way.

Despite gender activists and clinicians constantly claiming that obtaining hormones and surgeries is a long and complex process with plenty of safety checks in place, I was in full control at every checkpoint. I was able to self-diagnose, determine how strong a dose of testosterone I received and which surgeries I wanted to pursue, no matter how extreme and no matter how many glaring red flags I purposefully dropped. The medical workers I met repeatedly reminded me that they were not there to act as “gatekeepers.”

I was able to instantly change my medical records to reflect my new gender identity and pronouns. Despite never being diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I was able to obtain a prescription for testosterone and approval for a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy from my doctor. It took only three more months (90 days) to be approved for surgery to remove my uterus and have a fake penis constructed from the skin of my thigh or forearm. Therapy was never recommended.

Critics might dismiss my story as insignificant on the grounds that I am a 53-year-old woman with ample life experience who should be free to alter her body. However, this argument for adult bodily autonomy is a standard we apply to purely cosmetic procedures like breast implants, liposuction, and facelifts, not “medically necessary” and “lifesaving” treatments covered by health insurance. Or interventions that compromise health and introduce illness into an otherwise healthy body. And especially not for children.

My story, which I outline in much more detail below, should convince any half-rational person that gender medicine is not operating like any other field of medicine. Based on a radical concept of “gender identity,” this medical anomaly preys upon the body-image insecurities common among pubescent minors to bill health insurance companies for permanent cosmetic procedures that often leave their patients with permanently altered bodies, damaged endocrine systems, sexual dysfunction, and infertility.

* * *

Detailed Timeline of Events

On October 6, 2022, I responded to my Ob-Gyn’s email to tell her that, after some thought, I’d decided that maybe the label “cis woman” didn’t truly reflect who I was. After all, I did have some tomboyish tendencies. I told her I would like my records to be changed to reflect my newly realized “nonbinary” identity, and that my new pronouns were they/them. I also voiced my desire to be put in touch with an endocrinologist to discuss starting testosterone treatment.

Fifteen minutes later I received an email from another Kaiser doctor informing me that my medical records had been changed, and that once my primary doctor returned to the office, I’d be able to speak with her about hormone therapy.

I responded the following day (October 7, 2022), thanking her for changing my records, and asking if she could connect me with someone who could help me make an appointment for “top surgery” (i.e., a cosmetic double mastectomy) because my chest binder was rather “uncomfortable after long days and playing tennis.”

She told me to contact my primary care MD to “get things rolling,” and that there were likely to be “preliminary evaluations.”

Six days after contacting my primary care MD for a referral, I received an email from one of Kaiser’s gender specialists asking me to schedule a phone appointment so she could better understand my goals for surgery, so that I could get “connected to care.” This call to review my “gender affirming treatment options and services” would take 15-20 minutes, after which I would be “booked for intake,” allowing me to proceed with medical transition.

This wasn’t an evaluation of whether surgical transition was appropriate, it was simply a meeting for me to tell them what I wanted so that they could provide it.

On October 18, I had my one and only in-person appointment in preparation for top surgery. I met in Davis with my primary care physician, Dr. Hong-wen Xue. The assessment was a 10-minute routine physical exam that included blood tests. Everything came back normal. Notably, there was not a single question about why I wanted top surgery or cross-sex hormones. Nor was there any discussion of the risks involved with these medical treatments.

The following week, on October 24, I had a phone appointment with Rachaell Wood, MFT, a gender specialist with Kaiser Sacramento. The call lasted 15 minutes and consisted of standard questions about potential drug use, domestic violence, guns in the house, and whether I experienced any suicidal thoughts. There were no questions from the gender specialist about my reasons for requesting a mastectomy or cross-sex hormones, or why I suddenly, at 52, decided I was “nonbinary.”

After the call, Kaiser emailed me instructions about how to prepare for my pre-surgery intake video appointment to evaluate my mental health, scheduled to take place on November 15. The email stated that prior to my appointment, I should research hormone risks on the WPATH website, and to “research bilateral mastectomy and chest reconstruction surgery risks and recovery” on Kaiser’s website.

I decided to request a “gender-affirming” double mastectomy and phalloplasty. Kaiser sent me a sample timeline for gender transition surgery preparation (see below) that you can use as a reference for the process. I also asked for a prescription for cross-sex hormones (testosterone) as needed and recommended by Kaiser.

[ Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part I

This “Mental Health Visit” assessment was conducted over Zoom. The Kaiser gender specialist started with questions addressing my marital status, race, gender identity, and other demographics. She asked whether I was “thinking of any other surgeries, treatments in the future.” The list she read included “gender-affirming” hysterectomies, bottom surgeries such as metoidioplasty and phalloplasty, vocal coaching, support groups, and body contouring. “Anything else you might be interested in doing?” she asked. I said that I’d perhaps be interested in body contouring. I was also assured that all the procedures would be covered by insurance because they were considered “medically necessary.”

I dropped in several red flags regarding my mental health to see the reaction, but all were ignored. For instance, I revealed that I had PTSD. When the therapist asked me about whether I had experienced any “childhood trauma,” I explained that I grew up in Mexico City and had been groped several times and had also witnessed men masturbating in public and had been grabbed by men in subways and buses. “I was a young girl, so [I had] lots of experiences of sexual harassments, sexual assault, just the kind of stuff that happens when you are a girl growing up in a big city.” “So, you know,” I finished, “just the general feeling that you are unsafe, you know, in a female body.”

The therapist did not respond to my disclosure that trauma could be the cause of my dysphoria. Instead of viewing this trauma as potentially driving my desire to escape my female body through hormones and surgery, she asked whether there is anything “important that the surgery team should be aware of” regarding my “history of trauma,” such as whether I’d be comfortable with the surgeon examining and marking my chest prior to surgery.

When asked about whether I had had any “psychotic symptoms,” I told her that while I had had no such symptoms, my mother had a delusional nervous breakdown in her 50s because she had body dysmorphia and became convinced she had a growth on her neck that needed to be removed. I told her that my mother was then admitted to an inpatient hospital for severe depression. I asked her whether she ever sees patients with body dysmorphia and whether I could have potentially inherited that from my mother. She told me that psychosis was hereditary, but that it was “highly unlikely” that there was any connection between body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria.

I enthusiastically waved more mental health red flags, waiting to see if she would pick up on any of them.

I’m just wondering if my feelings, or perseverating, or feeling like these breasts make me really unhappy and I just don’t want them anymore!...I’m just not sure if that’s a similar feeling to body dysmorphia? How do you decide which one is gender dysphoria and general body dysmorphia, and just not liking something about your body? Feeling uncomfortable with your body? And I did have an eating disorder all through college. I was a distance runner in college so I had bulimia and anorexia, you know. So I don’t know if that’s related to gender dysphoria?

The therapist replied, “I completely appreciate your concerns, but I am going to ask you questions about your chest, about your expectations. And then I’ll be able to give you an assessment.” She also said the main difference between my mom’s situation and mine was that my mom didn’t really have a growth on her neck, whereas it’s “confirmed” that I actually have “chest tissue.” Furthermore, she said that while “historically there has been all this pressure on patients to be like ‘Are you really, really sure you want hormones? Are you 100% sure?’ We are a little more relaxed.” She continued, “As long as you are aware of the risks and the side-effects, you can put your toe in the water. You can stop ‘T’ [testosterone], you can go back and do it again later! You can stop it! You can stop it! You know what I mean?”

Because we ran out of time, I scheduled a follow-up phone meeting on December 27, 2022 with a different gender specialist to complete my mental health assessment for top surgery.

Pre-Surgery Mental Health Video Appointment, Part II

During this meeting, Guneet Kaur, LCSW, another Kaiser gender specialist (she/her/they/them pronouns) told me that she regretted the “gatekeeping vibe” of the meeting but assured me that since I have been “doing the work,” her questions are essentially just a form of “emotional support” before talking with the medical providers.

She asked me about what I’d been “looking into as far as hormones.” I told her that I’d be interested in taking small doses of testosterone to counterbalance my female feelings to achieve “a feeling that’s kind of neutral.”

When she asked me about me “not feeling like I match on the outside what I feel on the inside,” I dropped more red flags, mentioning my aversion to wearing dresses and skirts.

I don’t own a single dress or a skirt and haven't in 20 years. I think for me it’s been just dressing the way that’s comfortable for me, which is just wearing, jeans and sweatshirts and I have a lot of flannel shirts and, and I wear boots all the time instead of other kinds of shoes. So I think it’s been nice being able to dress, especially because I work from home now most of the time that just a feeling of clothing being one of the ways that I can feel more non-binary in my everyday life.

She responded, “Like having control over what you wear and yeah. Kind of that feeling of just, yeah, this is who I am today. That’s awesome. Yeah.”

She then asked me to describe my dysphoria, and I told her that I didn’t like the “feeling of the female form and being chesty,” and that because I am going through menopause, I wanted to start taking testosterone to avoid “that feeling of being like this apple-shaped older woman.” “Good. Okay, great,” she responded, reminding me that only “top surgery,” not testosterone, would be able to solve my chest dysphoria. (Perhaps it was because all these meetings were online, they didn’t notice I’m actually fit and relatively slender at 5’-5” and 130 pounds, and not apple-shaped at all.)

She told me that we had to get through a few more questions related to my medical history before “we can move on to the fun stuff, which is testosterone and top surgery.”

The “fun stuff” consisted of a discussion about the physical and mood changes I could expect, and her asking me about the dose of testosterone I wanted to take and the kind of “top surgery” technique I’d prefer to achieve my “chest goals.” She told me that all or most of my consultations for surgeries and hormones would be virtual.

The gender specialist told me after the appointment, she would submit my referral to the Multi-Specialty Transitions Clinic (MST) team that oversees “gender expansive care.” They would follow up to schedule a “nursing call” with me to review my medical history, after which they’d schedule my appointment with a surgeon for a consultation. Her instructions for this consultation were to “tell them what you’re wanting for surgery and then they share with you their game plan.”

[ Decision-making slide to help me identify my goals for top surgery–flat chest, nipple sensation, or minimal scarring. Source: Kaiser Permanente, Top Surgery - EXPLORING YOUR SURGICAL OPTIONS ]

She told me that Kaiser has a team of plastic surgeons who “only work with trans and nonbinary patients because there’s just so much need for them.” She asked about my priorities for chest surgery, such as whether I value flatness over nipple sensation. I learned about double incision top surgery with nipple grafts, as well as “keyhole,” “donut,” “buttonhole,” and “Inverted-T” top surgeries.

By the end of the hour-long appointment, I had my surgery referral and was ready for my “nursing call” appointment.

Nursing call with Nurse Coordinator from the Transgender Surgery and Gender Pathways Clinic at Kaiser San Francisco

On January 19, 2023, I had my nursing call with the Nurse Coordinator. He first said that “the purpose of this call is just for us to go through your chart together and make sure everything’s as accurate as possible.” Once that was done, my referral would be sent to the surgeon for a consultation.

He asked me about potential allergies and recreational drug use, and verified that I was up to date on mammograms, pap smears, and colon cancer screenings, as well as vaccines for flu and COVID. I verified my surgical history as well as my current medications and dietary supplements.

He told me about a “top surgery class” available for patients where one of the Kaiser surgeons “presents and talks about surgical techniques and options within top surgery,” and includes a panel of patients who have had top surgery. I signed up for the February 8th class.

Within 10 minutes he told me that he had “sent a referral to the plastic surgery department at Kaiser Sacramento,” and that I should be hearing from them in the next week or two to schedule a consultation.

Appointment for Testosterone

On January 27, I had a 13-minute online appointment with a primary care doctor at Kaiser Davis to discuss testosterone. The doctor verified my name and preferred pronouns, and then directly asked: “So, what would you like to do? What kind of physical things are you looking for?”

I told her I wanted facial hair, a more muscular and less “curvy” physique, and to feel stronger and androgynous. She asked me when I wanted to start, and I told her in the next few months. She asked me if I was menopausal, whether I had ovaries and a uterus, although that information should have been on my chart.

The doctor said she wanted me to come in to get some labs so she could check my current estrogen, testosterone, and hemoglobin levels before starting hormones. Then “we'll set the ball in motion and you'll be going. We’ll see you full steam ahead in the direction you wanna go.”

That was it. I made an appointment and had my lab tests done on February 12. My labs came back on February 14, and the following day, after paying a $5 copay at the Kaiser pharmacy, I picked up my testosterone pump. That was easy!

Top Surgery Consultation

On the same day I received my labs, I had a Zoom surgery consultation with Karly Autumn-Kaplan, MD, Kaiser Sacramento plastic surgeon. This consultation was all about discussing my “goals” for surgery, not about whether surgery was needed or appropriate.

I told the surgeon that I wanted a “flatter, more androgynous appearance.” She asked me some questions to get a better idea of what that meant for me. She said that some patients want a “male chest,” but that others “want to look like nothing, like just straight up and down, sometimes not even nipples.” Others still wanted their chest to appear slightly feminine and only “slightly rounded.” I told her that I’d like my chest to have a “male appearance.”

“What are your thoughts about keeping your nipples?” she asked. “Are you interested in having nipples or would you like them removed?” I told her that I’d like to keep my nipples, but to make them “smaller in size.” She asked me if I’d like them moved to “the edge of the peck muscle” to achieve “a more male appearance.” I said yes.

I was asked to show my bare chest from the front and side, which I did. Then she asked me how important it was for me to keep my nipple sensation. I replied that it was important unless it would make recovery more difficult or there were other associated risks. She highlighted the problem with the free nipple graft, saying that removing the nipple to relocate it means “you're not gonna have sensation in that nipple and areola anymore.” However, some nipple sensation could be preserved by keeping it attached to “a little stalk of tissue” with “real nerves going to it,” but that would require leaving more tissue behind. I told her I’d go for the free nipple graft to achieve a flatter appearance. It was also suggested I could skip nipple reconstruction entirely and just get nipples “tattooed” directly onto my chest.

She told me I was “a good candidate for surgery,” and put me on the surgery wait list. She said that the wait time was between three and five months, but a cancellation could move me up to a sooner date. Also, if I wanted surgery as soon as possible, I could tell the surgery scheduler that I’d be willing to have any of the other three surgeons perform my mastectomy. Outpatient top surgery would cost me a copay of $100.

They contacted twice, in February and March, notifying me of cancellations. If I had accepted and shown up on those dates, they would have removed my breasts. This would have been less than five months from the time I first contacted Kaiser to inform them of my new “nonbinary” gender identity.

How Far Can I Go?

I decided to see how easy it would be for me to get approved for a phalloplasty. Known euphemistically as “bottom surgery,” phalloplasty is the surgical creation of an artificial penis, generally using tissue from the thigh or arm.

I sent an email on March 1, 2023, requesting to have a phalloplasty and concurrent hysterectomy scheduled alongside my mastectomy.

Two weeks later, on March 16th, I had a 16-minute phone call with a gender specialist to discuss my goals for bottom surgery and obtain my referral.

During the call, I explained to the specialist that I wasn’t sure about taking testosterone anymore because I was already quite athletic and muscular, and that taking testosterone didn’t make much sense to me. Instead, I wanted bottom surgery so that I wouldn’t feel like my “top” didn’t match my “bottom.” I told her:

But what I really wanted was to have bottom surgery. So this way when I have my top surgery, which sounds like it could be very soon, that I’ll be aligned, that I won’t have this sense of dysphoria with one part of my body and the other part feeling like it matched who I am. So yeah. So I just did a little bit more research into that. And I looked at the resources on the Kaiser page for the MST clinic and I think I know what I want, which is the hysterectomy and then at the same time or soon after to be able to have a phalloplasty.

I told her that I wanted to schedule the top and bottom surgery concurrently so that I wouldn’t have to take more time off work and it would save me trips to San Francisco or Oakland, or wherever I had to go for surgery.

None of this gave the gender specialist pause. After a brief conversation about some online resources to look over, she told me that she would “submit the referral now and we’ll get this ball rolling.”

Bottom surgery would cost me a copay of $200, which included a couple of days in the hospital for recovery.

Phalloplasty Surgical Consultation with Nurse Coordinator

On May 16, 2023, I had a short surgical consultation with a nurse coordinator to go through my medical history. This was similar to the consultation for top surgery but included information about hair removal procedures for the skin on my “donor site” that would be fashioned into a makeshift penis. They also went over the procedures for determining which donor site—forearm or thigh—was more viable.

After only 15 minutes, she submitted my referral to the surgeon for another surgical consultation.

On May 25 I received an email from my phalloplasty surgeon’s scheduler, informing me that they have received my referral and are actively working on scheduling, but that they are experiencing delays.

I ended my investigation here once I had the referral for the top and bottom surgery. I never used my testosterone pump.

Final Thoughts

In fewer than 300 days, based on a set of superficial and shifting thoughts about my gender and my “embodiment goals” triggered by the mere mention of “gender” in a form letter from my primary care physician, and driven by what could only be described as minor discomforts, Kaiser Permanente’s esteemed “multi-disciplinary team” of “gender specialists” was willing, with enthusiasm—while ignoring mental health concerns, history of sexual trauma, and rapidly escalating surgical requests—to prescribe life-altering medications and perform surgeries to remove my breasts, uterus, and vagina, close my vaginal opening, and attempt a complex surgery with high failure and complication rates to create a functionless representation of a penis that destroys the integrity of my arm or thigh in the process.

This describes the supposedly meticulous, lengthy, and safety-focused process that a Kaiser patient must undergo to embark on a journey to medically alter their body. No clinician questioned my motivations. No one showed concern that I might be addressing a mental health issue through radical and irreversible interventions that wouldn’t address my amorphous problems. There were no discussions about how these treatments would impact my long-term health, romantic relationships, family, or sex life. I charted the course. The clinicians followed my lead without question. The guiding issue was what I wanted to look like.

No other medical field operates with this level of carelessness and disregard for patient health and welfare. No other medical field addresses issues of self-perception with surgery and labels it “medically necessary.” No other medical field is this disconnected from the reality of the patients it serves.

Kaiser has traded medicine for ideology. It’s far beyond time we stop the ruse of considering “gender-affirming” interventions as anything approaching medical care.

This isn’t the first time Kaiser Permanente has been in the news for completely disregarding medical safeguards in the name of “gender-affirming care.” As girls, Chloe Cole and Layla Jane became convinced that they were born in the wrong body and were actually boys on the inside. Doctors at Kaiser ignored their underlying conditions and instead prescribed testosterone and removed their breasts. Both Cole and Jane have since detransitioned and are currently suing Kaiser.

The fact that children and vulnerable adults are being exploited in this massive ideological experiment is not just tragic; it’s deeply disturbing, especially considering it has evolved into a billion-dollar industry.

I hope that by sharing my story, I can bring more focused scrutiny to the medical scandal unfolding not just at Kaiser but also at medical centers and hospitals across the Western world. These institutions have completely abandoned medical safeguards for patients who claim to be confused about their “gender,” and I aim to awaken more parents and assist them in protecting their children.

--

==

This is completely insane.

Apologists online are running around saying, but she didn't mean it, she was lying, she was pretending...

It doesn't matter.

Any kind of security, penetration or integrity test is insincere too. When security researchers compromise Microsoft's operating system or Google's browser or whatever, "but they didn't mean it" is not a defence to a discovered security flaw. It doesn't matter that the security researchers didn't plan to steal data or money or identities. The flaw in the system is there regardless.

It doesn't matter that it was insincere. Because the workers didn't know that. They never checked, never asked questions, never tested. They had been taught and instructed to never ask any questions. They did what they were supposed to. And the system failed spectacularly. Because that's what "gender affirming care" means.

Additionally, the claim that Beth Bourne committed fraud is an outright lie. A patient cannot bill. They do not have the authority. The medical clinic is the only one that can bill, and they must supply a diagnosis and a medical necessity.

If they didn't diagnose her and just wrote down what she said, then they committed fraud. If they claim they did diagnose her, then they committed fraud, because the diagnosis they concocted was bogus. This, by the way, is actually going on. Clinics are reporting fake endocrine and other disorders to get blockers, hormones and other interventions. Jamie Reed and other whistleblowers have documented evidence of this. Beth Bourne is not responsible for what the clinic does. They have medical licenses and legal responsibility. Not her.

Additionally, anyone who actually read the article would know how she tested the system. She said things like, "I've always been not that feminine. So, maybe I get my boobs removed." And they said, "sure." Instead of saying, "wait, why do you think that?" Framing it as her lying is itself a lie. They violated their ethical obligations. That much is incontrovertible. And it's directly the result of "gender affirming care," where clinics and clinicians rubber-stamp anything deemed "trans" based entirely on ideological, not medical, grounds.

[violestars]

𝙡𝙚𝙩 𝙝𝙞𝙢 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 𝙄 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙙 𝙝𝙞𝙢

𝙥𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨: Sunday x male reader

𝙨𝙪𝙢𝙢𝙖𝙧𝙮: childhood friends to best friends to nothing au, where rejecting your confession is worth more than the pain of infecting your perfect image with his sinful existence.

𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙚: not proof read, !!only male readers!!

𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨: yandere-ish?,maybe ooc, mention of religion, implied homophobia, angst no comfort, just depressing.

𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙨: part 1, part 2

Your childhood friend is a rather confusing fellow, to the point where one would think his significant other, if he ever has one, is the type to do riddles for fun. You also love riddles but moreover, you love him. Can anyone blame you? You were consumed by these feelings in your undeveloped mind. Seven was the age you fell for Sunday, for the charming boy that is your childhood friend. Maybe it was just some puppy love between two foolish kids but no one can explain the bubbling excitement in your stomach whenever a barely visible pout was drawn on his face, whenever he uses sugar coated words to kindly ask others to leave you two alone or how his clinginess to you was shown so slyly. You were an equal to Sunday and it has left a sweet taste on your tongue till this day.

As you grow older, your mind started to question this fondness for him. You were taught love doesn't need any explanation but you aren't dumb, there are always reasons behind everything. Even the unknown comfort, warmness one could find in another is also a reason. You knew that because you have experienced it with Sunday but that wasn't your concern, for now at least. Deep down you knew this love for the other male wasn't merely a mystery, your relationship did not belong in those cheap romcoms you two would binge on a sunday night. Was it more evident on the day you went crying to him about your religious mother? Was it because of the warm hands that traced your cheeks, causing you to lean into such softness as he teased you with a coo? How you wished he could repeat his supposedly sin against his perfectionist family's belief was the attraction to the same gender, how the boyish smirk once he admitted how good rebellion feels.

School isn't your strongest suit and you beat yourself up for that, it also didn't help knowing your insecurity enabled the hatred from others. From family to friends, even strangers, their greatest gift to you was just pitiful stares. Sunday was different though, the soft smile that never fails to comfort you, the warm embrace of the only friend you can lean on, he was truly a breath of fresh air throughout suffocating days of school. The only subject you were good at is literature but the skills you've gained failed to form a clear answer to why your best friend has never doubted you. Asking him yourself only made the progress more complicated for both your mind and heart, as he flicked your head and told you about how much he worried more about your efforts than some silly printed texts.

“Your mind is built from poetry, not numbers, my little train-wreck.” You remembered his soothing voice right beside your ear, ignoring his ways with words and how it shaded your tear-stained canvas a light red, you let out a weak chuckle to lighten the mood.

“And yours is built of riddles. I'm not stable enough to solve one right now, Sun.” Your lighthearted response only brought him to laughter, a smile now placed onto your face as you silently hoped he would drop whatever sentimental words he just thought of since it was already as awkward as it could be. Who in their right mind would ask their best friend to climb through the bedroom window just because regrets were hitting too hard at 3 am? The guy has a controlling family for god's sake.

“You let people treat you so poorly just because of a subject, or it is everything about you throws them off. Why, though? You might think you're weird but I feel like you're just performing. A spectacular show that doesn't meet its audience, so desperately wants to be heard.”

As you thought you couldn’t drown yourself in thoughts of him further, this only deepened it. How you wondered if he actually has a third eye, silently guilding your thoughts to their respective docks. In your mind, he is the epitome of elegance, sometimes you wonder if the word is made specifically for him. Sunday is just perfect, while in one way he was expected to be due to being the adopted son of such a high status family, you felt like he doesn't even have to try. He handled stressful situations with ease, he joked it's you who taught him so with your antics. You two are the polar opposite, yet it felt like two puzzle pieces finding each other, different notes that falls in tune. You wondered how he tolerated everything throughout the years, not that you were complaining, it was just your anxiety often questions the authenticity of this friendship but as his hand cradled your face, the usual smile reserved for only you entered the view, you knew the dreams about him were real because Sunday adores you.

Unfortunately, your dreams crashed. You mentally cursed him for ruining everything, but it was not his fault he couldn't reciprocate those feelings, it was not his fault he is destined for greatness and you are the loser that existed. You knew you were being petty but it hurt how everything turned out to be a cacophony in disguise, how you two favored the full moon that night like the way you favored each other. Well, the way you favored him. Sunday wouldn't know all these shameful thoughts, you only nodded at his kind refusal with choked breaths after all. His frown only deepened once he noticed how tears sharp as the finest blade threatened to fall from your eyes and slice through his heart, but he didn't say anything. It hurts that your feelings were treated like a slipped word, a dumb accident, by both you and mostly him.

He knew you're worried, he was trained to be attentive to every change to his surroundings yet here he was, hands in a tight grip like how his thoughts were tied together in a messy knot. Sunday has been avoiding you, not right after the night of your confession though, he wasn't that cruel but he was evil enough to do it after reassuring you, hoping you would not throw away such unshakable friendship. Reason was, Sunday didn't know why he couldn't accept your love, he should have trust in every card he played, that was what they taught him.

It just tasted bitter. He isn't a saint, he hoped you also knew that, his mouth is filled with lies and his existence needs to be soaked in soap. In other words, Sunday is a freak of nature. Him and his sister were adopted to a rich family after the passing of their parents. Sadly enough, he still felt like nobody's son, his every step reminds him of walking on fragile ice under the threatening gaze of his so-called guardians but he still walks anyways. His sister, Robin, has her own dreams to fulfill and no one will dared to rewritte her role into another plaything for the Gods. That's why Sunday will carry all the burdens, the responsibility that will never be put onto Robin's freely spread wings and he works hard to keep it that way.

Sunday lived in this facade that is made of others' desires, he was a trapped bird that pretends to be an eagle, he felt like the strongest piece but never the mastermind. Unlike him, his darling was the salvation humanity carved for all their miserable life, you were the living proof that the lord heard his songs. You slowly metamorphosed into his only God though, Sunday believed his schemes were always concealed because he worshiped you. Sunday believed you didn't exist because he was only worthy of your afterimage. You were and are his 'father', his entire universe. He shamefully found himself praying to your name against the family's knowledge, images of your beauty embroidered in his mind rather than any flight of fancy.

But how Sunday loathed himself, how pitiful is he if everyone were starting to lead their own life yet he was still following a script, how unfortunate is he if the boy of his dreams felt like the vast sky from his cage. Why does one feel deep disgust within but still mindlessly follows the same path? He wanted to fly upward, to feel your touch but the sky is unreachable and so is you. Sunday knows his love for you like the back of his hand, it's more than the platonic feeling towards his sister and the ambition towards a perfect future, it's the only thing the family didn't plant into his mind at such a young age. His love for you felt like the only thing he could freely express.

You knew he wished to live in a dreamscape, where he would generate happiness for the unfortunates but you don't know this dreamland of his sprouted from the purest of love for you. Those troublesome worries won't reach you there, he swore upon his life that he would shield you away from this brutal world in your new home. You only laughed at his silly delusion though, you never wanted to live in a lie and he knew that clearly. Sunday envied that part of you, he detested how strong you are despite all attempts to drag you down but maybe that's what confirmed his feelings towards you.

You were able to confuse Sunday in the best way possible. You could sob about how ugly you are, complain about your failure of a life and hatred for reality but in the end, you didn't mean it. You wanted to live for the imperfect tomorrow, you wanted to erode a stone that is your destiny with him, with Sunday. Yes, that's what you are. So imperfectly beautiful as he's perfectly fake. That's why he would push you away, as unreasonable as his actions were, he will not taint your future and dirty your determination, this kaleidoscoping pain shall never reach your ears. Sunday doesn't want anyone to find out you're his weakness, he doesn't want to acknowledge you're the sweet reality to his pained dream. He was happily in your shadow even if he could catch a glimpse of your performance.

Sunday loves you so he will let you go.

© art by @/Ceoretkr on twt

[cryptidcorners]

Mike Schmidt x Reader Headcanons

= Character: Mike Schmidt

= Media: Movie!Five Nights At Freddie's

= Prompt: N/A

= Description: You and Mike had been dating for several months, which not many knew due to his wishes for privacy. Mike was a shy character, and you didn't expect to wake up in his arms now and then. You had known each other for years, and unlike your past partners, you finally found someone who truly understood you.

= Request: N/A

= Tags: Comfort, Fluff, Slight Angst? Romance, Headcanons, Established Relationship, just Sweet Stuff ! + Reader is Gender Neutral

= Warnings: Mentions of Childhood Trauma & Kidnapping, Mike is incredibly Stressed and Depressed From Work, Nightmares ! + FNAF Movie Spoilers

Despite his fluctuating work-life and raising his sister all on his own, he makes sure to engage with you as much as possible. While Mike can't afford to take you on dates, he spoils you at home and gives you the strongest hospitality anyone can offer. His highlights are hearing about your day, rambling about your interests. He barely thinks about talking about himself (let's be honest, you're all Mike thinks about).

He'd definitely not understand the lore you're fixated on sometimes, but he'll listen regardless.

Painfully shy around you. He gets nervous even asking you for a hug or kiss. Mike hesitates to hold your hand in public or share romantic gestures in fear you'll be disgusted by his lack of experience for affection. He's always delighted (and relieved) when you melt at the feel of his touch.

Cuddling! God, he loves it. His pills do help him sleep, but you help him relax. Mike prefers spooning you, his arms wrapped around your body is something magical, at least to him. He sleeps much better with you.

Anytime Mike flashes away from his nightmares, it helps him dramatically to wake up to you backed up against his chest. Sometimes he'd lazily wake up, desperate for some type of comfort. A lot of mornings were encouragement and warm hugs, which was more than another for both of you.

Mike is very clingy. Due to his trauma of Garett being kidnapped at a young age, he gets incredibly worried when you're gone for too long, especially if you're late.

So damn awkward when he's meeting and/or visiting people you know. Mike cannot socialize with anybody for the life of him. He doesn't bother telling you though. As long as you're enjoying yourself, he'll bare whatever is bothering him if it means seeing you this way.

Very protective. If he ever sees anybody making you uncomfortable (or if he even thinks so) Mike goes ballistic. Sometimes restoring to violence depending on how severe it is. He definitely feels bad afterwards, especially due to embarrassing you like that.

Will intentionally wear shirts/sweaters you like. Mike craves your validation, and loves the feeling of you complimenting him. (Give him a hug, please!) + Gets weak when you fix his tie or adjust his shirt collars.

Marking! Marking! Marking! (Giving + Receiving), I definitely see Mike giggling as he's kissing you or being kissed. His laugh is definitely infectious, and charming to see.

Loves it when you play with his hair, especially when you're cuddling. Slipping your fingers through his curls drives him crazy and makes him melt.

Mike definitely loves pet names, but I imagine he'd love your name much more. He holds it as stronger than any title ever. For him, personally he'd take whatever you call him, Mike is sweet like that.

You cannot tell me that you playing/interacting with Abby destroys his heart (in a good way). Seeing you as a parental figure to her makes him so happy, I bet he cries in joy thinking about it.

Sometimes he's so stressed from work to the point he'll fall into your arms for comfort in an attempt to channel his internal hardships.

Mike is definitely the sweetest kisser ever, not very experienced but he still gives you butterflies. Will hold you every time you kiss, making you feel secure every time. Even if it's a light peck, his hands will either be wrapped around your back, briefly caressing your sides or tight on your shoulders.

Speaking of kisses, he 100% gets lightheaded after them and giggles like a teenager after.

Uses his puppy-dog eyes a lot, even without realizing it.

Says "please" + "sorry" way too much. Absolute sweetheart.

Wears those goofy aprons when he cooks, he doesn't know you think it's cute/funny. Mike likes them way too much.

Hates public areas so much, prefers peaceful walks where it's quiet. Loud noises stresses him out.

Mike cannot tell sarcasm, info dumps or complicated jokes. He'd either just tilt his head in confusion or giggle in an attempt to make it look he understood.

Feels so guilty when you give him money or gifts and he can't repay it. Mike is a giver !

Such a comforter, he'll always listen to you vent, even if he's dead tired from his job. Bet Mike would hold you tightly, telling you everything will be okay.

Mike is pretty private about his feelings, especially his trauma. He's more focused on you on anything !

Loves you more than anything, would 100% run across a haunted pizzeria fatally injured for you in a heartbeat.

[mono-dot-jpeg]

too aware - express crew

summary; a self aware kid walks into the express and.. they shock the crew more than a stellaron.

genre/extra tags; headcanons, fluff, slight comedy, the child is aware, the child traumatizes the crew more than anything else /j, they have seen it all, reader is implied to be a vidyadhara

[platonic] [6-7 years old! reader] [gender neutral! reader]

a/n; i have,,, no idea if i'll be writing this correctly at all. honestly it's really reminding me of being really self aware, which i kind of relate to KSDJKSJD, so there will be some of that mostly. i've never really written a character like this. but i hope you enjoy.

also possible spoilers for those who havent reached the xianzhou quests yet. sorry.

what can i even say to start...

let's just say you're a kind of new to the express, you were part of the luofu or at least training to be part of the cloud knights

despite being such an old self-reincarnating species, sometimes you just wanted to start from the beginning, have an empty and open mind to enjoy your curiosities.

you would argue that you were the most cheerful vidyadhara out of the comrades you knew for centuries

but some people knew better

you were sweet, don't get it twisted but when the express crew met you for the first time

let me rephrase, when dan heng and welt met you for the first time .. .

"you... know a lot, don't you?"

you whispered to dan heng

you probably just scared the shit out of him so unintentionally.

you totally know who dan heng really is

you're just as old as he is, maybe a bit younger but you're not stupid

and then you look to welt, and you end up introducing yourself with a cute smile on your face as if you didn't look through dan heng's soul 10 secs ago

dan heng felt whiplash as he watches you talk to welt

welt is concerned for you. he knows that look in your eyes, when you know so much, when you're so aware of yourself and everything but you're so happy

"you must be a smart kid.." welt says softly. "do you know a lot as well?"

"i do."

it's a really interesting relationship that kind of develops as father figure and kid.

you connect to himeko and welt very easily with your experiences

you know a lot and you've experienced a lot, you eventually confess to being of the limited species of the xianzhou, vidyadhara

and you're happily proud of it. you're comfortable as to who you are.

with the trio on the other hand, you're really curious about march and trailblazer the most due to their origins

and they gladly indulged you.

"please tell me more about you!" you would tell them and inquire about them quite a bit

dan heng and you had confusing relations, you knew him from the past and he knew you

and you seemed the same despite your physical age

and dan heng.. you wish you knew more about him

so you end up being curious about him

and as expected, you two are the closest to each other

you're sweet to everyone despite the hardships you faced and you always look at the world with realism and yet you find a way to appreciate the good and bad

while everyone is concerned about how self aware and aware of the world you are as young as you are, you carved a place in their hearts and you never fail to surprise them with your outlooks on everything around you.

[hauntingcryptids]

Tell Me That I Belong To You

Dhawan!Master x Reader

Summary - The Reader is having a bad day. So, with the convincing of The TARDIS, The Reader seeks comfort in The Master.

Based On This Request - *This was originally based on a request but the more I continued to write and edit it, the more the fic drifted away from the prompt. So, I am just going to let this be its own fic and write another fic more closely aligned to the prompt.

Warnings - Reader not feeling well, insecurity on the part of the reader, canon typical telepathy. (let me know if I missed anything)

Word Count - 1864

A/n - Gender Neutral Reader. I have a smut version of this fic if anyone would like to read it, but I don’t want to post it if people would just prefer the fluff version. I also don’t know how good this is, but I just wanted to get something out there after feeling awful mentally for a while. So, I hope that you enjoy this :)!

--------------------------------------------------------------

You woke up with a headache. The type of headache that no matter how much water you drank, food you ate, or sun(TARDIS created sun) you layed in would cure your malady. Headaches, in general, but especially ones as bad as the one you were experiencing, always made your whole day awful. Oftentimes, the pain in your head would cause you to spiral internally until your mental health was utterly destroyed. That’s where you were now, arguing to yourself in your head about you and your “Humanness” and how you weren’t good enough for The Master. How could you possibly be good enough for The Master? Even if you weren’t Human, why would he want to be with someone like you?

The TARDIS beeped determinedly. You were becoming better at understanding The TARDIS given how much time you had spent within the ship but still you could only understand part of what she was telling you. The bits you could discern were: “The Master loves you”, “you are good enough”, “you have always been enough”, and “The Master would never think such horrible things about you. Ever!”

Eventually, you stopped The TARDIS’s rant about how great you were and that she wished that she could help improve your self-image. You thanked her for everything she said. Even though didn’t understand everything, you could feel her distress over your thoughts and her want to help you.

“The Master could help you where I fail.” The TARDIS finally said telepathically.

“He’s probably busy, though.” You mumbled, worried about upsetting him if you interrupted him while he was doing something.

“Go to him. He wouldn’t want to know that you allowed yourself to suffer when he was there ready and available to help you.” The TARDIS had to say this statement a couple of times in order for you to fully understand, and you sighed in response. She was right. The Master would be furious if he found out that you hid your distress from him, you knew that, he said as much many times before. It’s just that your brain would lie to you when you were upset.

“The Master will understand.” The sentient time and spaceship whispered into your brain. The TARDIS, given her time being The Master’s ship, knew better than anyone how the state of a person’s physical health could affect their mental health. She knew how greatly The Master suffered, therefore The Master would never judge you. The TARDIS just hoped that you knew what she knew.

“Can you lead me to The Master, please?” You asked after ruminating over everything the incredibly kind ship communicated to you. The TARDIS cheerfully directed you to the main library where The Master often lounged. 

Like many times before, The Master was sitting horizontally on the sofa reading. He seemed engrossed in the thick tome resting up against his bent thigh. The alien’s engrossed demeanour made you want to turn back and talk to The Master later, but The TARDIS reassured you with a comforting presence. Both you and the ship knew that the only person who could make you happy when you were feeling off was the rogue Time Lord.

You walked up as quietly as you could and poked the Master’s cheek with your finger. The Master looked up at you with a smile, completely unbothered. Even while agonisingly planning an upcoming plan to toy with The Doctor, you would always bring him joy just with your presence. You were never a bother to him,

“Hello, my little Human. How are you today?” The Master seemed so calm even though you expected him to be upset. You wrapped your arms around your torso anxiously and subconsciously began rocking back and forth on your feet.

“Can I sit on your lap please, Master?” You sounded tired, which worried The Master, though he chose not to react for your benefit. 

“Of course, love.” The Master placed the book he was researching and moved slightly to allow you to sit on his lap. 

As soon as you rested your body against his, The Master scooted his body down the sofa until the two of you were practically lying down. The Master then wrapped his arms firmly around your back, trapping you against his chest with the beating of his hearts rattling throughout your body. 

You breathed a sigh of relief, causing The Master to chuckle lovingly. You then nuzzled against his clothes-covered collarbones and the base of his neck and then breathed in his scent. His presence was comforting, but unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. Your mind still hurt and your thoughts still moved far too quickly for you to properly calm down. You assumed that your thoughts were loud, loud enough for The Master to hear, but you didn’t put any effort into hiding your thoughts. You just wanted to dissolve into The Master’s chest and to let all of your anxieties disappear.

“I’m sorry that you aren’t feeling well, Y/n.” The Master said softly against your ear. One of his hands absentmindedly caressed up and down your back.

“Make me feel good, Master, please. You’re the only one who can.” Your headache seemed to peak right before you committed yourself to asking The Master for some help. The warmth of The Master’s body against yours and the severe pain spiking through your head was too contrasting and too overwhelming to put on a brave face any longer.

“What kind of Master would I be if I didn’t take care of my beloved Human.” The feel of The Master’s smirk against your skin sparked a warmth to spread through you. The Master always made you feel better and more secure, but on bad days you just needed a bit more reassurance.

“Please tell me that you mean that?” 

“Of course I mean it, my love. You are the only person I could ever care about.” The Master adjusted slightly in order to look you in the eye. You shied away, avoiding eye contact, and The Master didn’t push you to look at him. Though he did brush a hand down the side of your face a couple of times before kissing your forehead delicately.

“Let’s go somewhere more comfortable, love.” The Master said this to inform you that he would move the two of you. He would carry you places in The TARDIS without telling you where you were going when you were feeling like your everyday self, but not when you were feeling off. The Master never wanted to add to your anxiety, so he would always tell you when he would carry you off somewhere.

The Master moved the two of you so he was sitting up with you on his lap. He wrapped your legs around his waist and held you tightly against his chest before finally standing up with you securely in his arms. Then he carried you off to your shared bedroom. 

Once in the dark-themed and dimly lit bedroom, The Master gently placed you on the bed and wrapped you up in as many blankets as you wanted and needed. He stepped back from the bed momentarily to remove his clothes that were far inferior to yours when it came to the act of cuddling and resting. Eventually, he crawled under the covers to join you on the bed. He cuddled closer to you, holding you tighter than he did in the library, and then rubbed his hands up and down your back as you returned to your place cuddling into The Master’s side.

“What do you need, my love?”

“You.” You’re speech was muffled by The Master’s neck, but he still understood you.

“Yes, but what do you need me to do? I know that you are hiding something in that beautiful mind of yours.” You felt The Master softly tap a finger against your temple, a little jolt of calmness and relief coursing through you with each tap.

“You won’t laugh at me, will you?”

“Never.” The Master answered with sincerity heavy in his tone. You nervously mumbled your response under your breath and into his neck, making this comment more difficult for The Master to decipher.

“I couldn’t hear you, love.”

“Can you tell me I belong to you?” You asked a bit louder, but you were still quiet and nervousness permeated your question. The Master’s breath caught in his throat. He tried his best to hold in his excitement brought on by your request because this moment was about you. The idea of you belonging to him was exactly what The Master wanted, more than anything in the Universe, probably even the Multiverse. What added to his growing excitement and adoration of you was the fact that The Master didn’t even have to make you feel this way. You wanted him just as much as he wanted you. Somehow, the stars aligned and they delivered the perfect person to The Master. What else could he do but give you whatever you wanted in an act of gratification?

“You belong to me, love. You always will belong to your Master. You’ll be mine forever.” The Master cuddled you impossibly closer, intertwining your bodies in a knot, and whispered into your ear with all the devotion and fervour he felt for you heavy on his tongue.

“And you really mean that -” You tried to ask again, but The Master cut you off before you could finish your insecurity-filled question. 

“Of course I mean that. I would never lie to you, especially about this.” This time when The Master moved to look you in the eye you didn’t turn away. His warm chocolate eyes held all of the sentiments that were laced within his words and even more. If it were possible, you would stare into his eyes forever. 

“Thank you, Master.”

“There is no need to thank me. You just need some rest and then you will feel better.” You huffed into The Master’s neck, just wishing that he would accept your gratitude without dismissing it.

“Come on, rest your head on my chest and close your eyes. I will deal with that headache and those pesky thoughts that were troubling you.” You did as The Master asked, already planning how you would repay The Master for everything he did for you today. 

As soon as you placed your head on The Master’s chest, the sound of his heartbeats immediately calmed you down and the pressure on your mind began to subside. The Master massaged his hands along your back, starting slowly along your neck and then moving further down toward the base of your spine. He smoothed every ache and worked out every knot and kink, all the while placing delicate kisses across your head and face. You heard him whispering praises in your ear, some in your native language and some in his. Even though you couldn’t understand everything he spoke to you, you knew that what he said was entirely comprised of his love. Because of The Master’s actions, you soon fell asleep. You were completely consumed by the rogue Time Lord’s presence, just like you wanted to be when the day began.

[weirdsht]

Flowerbed Full of Thorns - LoTCF & Reader

notes: this baby right here is the reason i asked for fluff reqs, it's been rotting in my notes for a few months so why not bring it to life. also pulled out my 1st year psych notes for this

tags: don't look too hard at the background or else you'll countless of plotholes, no gender specified, kinda vague earth spoilers major character death, nothing but angst

English isn’t my first language so there will be grammatical errors

Pls don't repost my work anywhere without my permission

Constructive criticisms and any kind of interaction are more than welcome

Requests are open and welcome

Buy Me Dessert

Navigation Masterlist

There are five known stages of grief. These stages are usually experienced by people who know they are dying. A coping mechanism brought upon the knowledge of their eternal rest.

However, it can also be experienced by people grieving another person’s death. A way for the living to slowly take in the news that they will never be with those loved ones in their lifetime ever again.

Which was why you knew you were already in the stages of grief when you tried to convince Kim Rok Soo to not go. To let others handle it.

To let you handle it.

“Let me do it. You will die if you take on that monster even if you can somewhat predict its movements and weakness.”

You desperately tried to convince your team leader.

“I’ll handle it better so let’s exchange positions okay? I’ll be in the vanguard.”

Bargaining

Defeating this monster will put an end to the apocalypse. Will put an end to the monsters roaming around the earth. 

But still.

Still, you try to bargain to not let Kim Rok Soo handle it despite knowing he has the biggest chance of defeating that thing.

Because you know that he will die.

And the two of you have lost so much already, how dare he leave you too?

“Rok Soo…”

Please…

Please listen.

Please don’t go.

Where would you go when Kim Rok Soo is gone?

What would you do when the last of your brother is dead?

You’ve already lost Lee Soo Hyuk and Choi Jung Soo. You can’t lose him too.

“I’ll do everything. I’ll do all your paperwork. I’ll let you slack off forever. Just please…”

Kim Rok Soo looked at you. It hurts his heart to leave you alone. He knows what it feels like to be abandoned. Be left alone.

But he cannot grant your wishes.

“I have to do this. If we defeat it your future will be bright. You won’t need to risk your life every day on the battlefield.”

That’s not what you want. Despite the monsters being gone there’s no way your future will be bright. How could it be? You’ve never had a family, and when you did two of them died.

And now the last one of your family is dying too.

Despite your pleas and tears, your team leader did not change his mind. He still chose to be at the vanguard of the operation. He was still the one who put an end to the cataclysm.

Kim Rok Soo died as a hero.

But you didn’t care. You didn’t care that he did it for your future. You didn’t care how everyone was singing praises of his name.

You just want your brother back.

Despite the name being “stages of grief” every human experiences it differently. Everyone has their version of grief. The first stage for some might be the last stage for another. It is also not linear. Some might revert to another stage before fully healing.

Some people’s emotions might be stronger than others.

“LEAVE ME ALONE! I DON’T CARE IF IT WAS HIS WILL!”

You shouted at the two people in front of your door. It’s been a week after the funeral for the people who have lost their lives bringing Korea– no Earth back to how it previously was. A week since everyone started adjusting to a world without monsters.

A week since you’ve been abandoned.

“Come on, the team leader told us to take care of you.”

Kim Min Ah tried to convince you to open the door, but you didn’t budge.

“I don’t care! Why should I listen to a dead man’s words!”

Anger

Both Kim Min Ah and Jung So Hoon knew that you were in despair. Which was why they were patient with you. You may have pulled yourself together at the funeral. Managed to say your piece with a calm demeanour. May have looked like the most composed being at the time. 

However, there’s no denying that you’re hurting.

Under all those exterior you put up, you’re just someone grieving.

And now those walls are cracking. Letting them have a look at just how much of a mess you are inside.

It has been a week since the funeral. During that week you have been staying at Kim Rok Soo’s apartment. You practically lived there anyway. Know the layout of the place like the back of your hands. Can navigate where everything is stashed away with your eyes closed.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go with us?”

“Positive.”

What would you even do if you go with them? They both have families. Have people to care for and people that will care for them.

While you have nothing.

At least not anymore.

Hence your venomous answer that was paired with the door closing shut. You hear the two talk for a good minute before leaving you.

You expect them to be back in two days’ time. It was routine by now.

“I’m tired of this.”

You mumbled to yourself as you thought about those two coming back in two days. You don’t want the same routine again.

Which was why you started packing.

You packed your things as well as Kim Rok Soo’s. You also brought Lee Soo Hyuk’s and Choi Jung Soo’s stashed away things with you.

It wasn’t much. All three men didn’t have many things with them. You have also only brought your clothes and memorabilia of the three of you.

With that, you left Kim Rok Soo’s empty apartment in the middle of the night.

Rejecting the idea that someone has died is normal. Especially when this someone meant the whole world to the person. It’s natural to not want to acknowledge the fact that they will never be with those loved ones again. Never to greet them good morning. Never to annoy them ever again.

Hence why some choose to avoid reality. Some people choose to live in their memories. Because there, that person will always be alive and waiting for them.

Some even go as far as to avoid the people trying to bring them back to reality. Run away from the rational voices who only want the best for them.

Nonetheless, not everyone who runs away is rejecting the notion that they have lost their loved ones. Sometimes they would just want to get away from others. Cope in their own way, away from everyone’s judgemental gaze.

Denial and Isolation

Gyeongnam

Choi Jung Soo’s hometown and your destination. You already bought the land and the mountain with it a few days ago. Construction for a new house, farm, and orchard has also started. Originally, you were planning on going there after everything was done.

But you don’t want to be in the city anymore.

You just want to settle in a quiet place where you can always think of your brothers.

So in the meantime, you stayed in a nearby hotel. Then paid for more workers so the construction of everything goes faster. All of that didn’t even put a dent in your pocket. How could it when all three Soos have left everything they own to you?

Well, originally Choi Jung Soo and Lee Soo Hyuk have said in their will that you and Kim Rok Soo are to split everything. But then Kim Rok Soo also died. In his will, he has stated that he wants everything he has accumulated to be given to you.

Kim Rok Soo’s “retirement fund” was enough to cover you for 3 lifetimes already. It made you wonder more why the hell that man was so cheap when it came to himself when he had so much cash.

But you can’t ask him anymore so you opted to just sit and wait in your hotel room.

Thank god for ability users. Thanks to them your new house was built faster, approximately only taking a month. You can finally move in and get out of that stuffy hotel room. The food was great but you’d much rather eat home-cooked food.

Preferably Kim Rok Soo’s cooking.

You dismiss the thought in your head as you unpack the things you have brought with you. This has already been your 4th mental breakdown of the week. You can’t have anymore, it keeps hindering your task of decorating the new house.

It was a simple house. Two floors and five bedrooms complete with a basement and an attic. The first floor contained the living room, kitchen, dining room, and even a recreation room. Upstairs were mostly bedrooms.

Four bedrooms and one office area.

No one needs to ask why you had that many bedrooms when you’re living alone.

You decorated each room similarly to how each one of them decorated their apartments. It was hard to do, just the mere sight of their belonging was enough to make you spiral sometimes. However, you still did it. Determined to make your brother’s retirement dreams come true.

One good thing did come out of it though.

Through living alone and doing the activities the Soos wanted to do, you finally took in the news that they were dead.

They were gone.

None of them are coming.

Acceptance

Just now are you accepting the fact that none of them will see the efforts you’ve made. They won’t be there to compliment you for making their passing talk come true. Won’t be there to complain about how you spent a good chunk of their savings on room service.

You were alone.

Oh god

You were alone and lonely.

At first, it made you spiteful. Why did the universe give you a sense of salvation? Why did it pull you out of your loneliness? And for what? Just for them to take it all back?

You hated it.

But that hate didn’t last long. Because above all else you still felt grateful.

Grateful that you met them. Grateful that you became part of their family. It may have been a short while, but that short while was the happiest of your life.

Hence why you continue doing what you intended to do in Gyeongnam.

You continued taking care of the orchard. Farming fruits and vegetables. Not forgetting to slack off once in a while. 

The last one was a requirement.

Kim Rok Soo is going to bite your head off if you don’t slack off in his stead.

At first, everything seemed fine. It looked as if things were looking up for you as you finally reached acceptance.

However, no recovery is linear. That simply is not possible. One is bound to stumble and fall back as they are learning to walk on their own feet.

That was why as days passed you could feel the sadness accumulate. Every morning you wake up in tears. At random times during the day, waterworks start.

In each step you take you feel the anguish. As though you are carrying the weight of the world and it keeps getting heavier.

Surprisingly, you didn’t just sit in one corner and cry like how the movies portrayed it. You continued doing your daily routine.

You don’t know if it’s stubbornness or perseverance but you’ll take it.

Deep sorrow consumed your entire being. It eats you alive every waking day as you accept how you don’t have a family anymore.

Depression

That was the conclusion you have come to one day.

You were fighting with yourself and you were losing that battle.

A battle harder than any monsters you’ve faced.

A battle you aren’t sure you can survive.

Perhaps that was why the gods took pity on you. Maybe they looked down on you and realised just how hard they made your life. Dawning on them how you essentially have everything yet nothing.

Maybe that was why you suddenly heard god’s voice in your head one day. Speaking to you with pity, as if he didn’t mean for you to fall into this state. To fall so hard at rock bottom.

[Do you want to be granted a chance to see some of them again?]

[thesharktanksdriver]

any way the wind blows (Platonic)

So I kinda watch records of ragnarok and became obsessed

This is platonic but later on I might make some romantic scenarios for a few characters

Y/n is based off of scaramouche fron genshin if he didn’t have mommy issues and was a decent person. Also left it gender neutral

Gods and humans had always been divide since the dawn of their creation

Molded from clay in their likeness yet considered inferior for their mortality

Despite the fact their creators were just as flawed (if not more) than they are

This was a reality that few knew or acknowledged, but one that Hephaestus had come to as he pondered one day in his lab

It was no secret he was hated by the others

For he is everything a god isn’t supposed to be

Their supposed to be beautiful and angelic yet he is ugly and deformed

Thrown from Olympus and experienced humans first hand before clawing his way back to his spot in the heavens

Given the most beautiful wife of them all who hates and despises his despite how hard he tries

He is scorned for simply existing just as humans are

Perhaps that’s why he finds better company in them than he does with his fellow gods

Though they are flawed beings they know that are not perfect

They embrace their flaws, and persevere despite how hard they are thrown down

They invent, create, destroy and rebuild again and again

Something in which the god of blacksmithing respects, for even the strongest blade can be melted down to create something even better

In his loneliness in his lab, deep within the smouldering smoke and bubbling magma of his volcanic home

Hephaestus longs to learn, to see, to hear but knows he cannot go to the surface world

So instead he decides to do what he does best

He decided to create his own human, one that would be imbued with the blessing of true immortality

For only something with a soul can be reaped, even gods face that fate if they are wounded enough

But if something doesn’t it will last forever

Hephaestus creates his magnum opus

His human

His child

“From finest clay your are molded, but within your veins lay no blood nor Ichor, but instead pure energy shall power you.”

You are created by his scarred and broken hands that are steady and firm

He makes you an epitome of beauty, something that he wishes he could be

For only something that is considered ugly can know what true beauty looks like

When your body is complete he imbues you with life through the lightning of Zeus

And then he lets the breath of zephyrs wind wake you

Through pure eyes you awaken and he helps you walk

Your like a newborn deer, shaking and buckling legs as you lean to him for help

You look at him with such kindness and innocence

And love

That one thing he had only wanted in his life from anyone

For the next couple of months he’s raises you, teaches you his craft and how to adapt

He is gentle but stern in his teachings, guiding yours hands and teaching you what he knows

Luckily your blessed by him to understand all languages and speak them as well

But despite spending months raising you he had not given you a name

Only calling you “my child”

When you ask of him why he hadn’t bestowed upon you a title he says he want you to decide

For you are worthy of picking it yourself when the time is right

For a long time you ponder

What shall that be

But it isn’t until he tells you to travel, to learn, to live and love like all humans that you decide your name

“And so you become a wanderer. Just know my child that if you ever need help I am at your call. My only advice is that humanity can be fickle but the gods are worse”

And so you begin your travels, through marshes and hills, or mountains to deserts

Through the valleys and into land that is lush in greenery of various kinds

From dusk to dawn you travel, stopping sporadically to stay in places that interest you, with people whom teach you before you leave for the road

It is a cycle

One that teaches you of humanity’s greed, pride, jealousy, rage, hate and despair

But one that also teaches you of their compassion, love, kindness, strength and their passion for surviving despite how the gods strike them down over and over again

They rebuild, they overcome and engineer a solution

For they only have themselves to rely on as the gods turned their backs to them

They adapt just as you do

But you are fundamentally different from them

An immortal being without a soul, one that looks and acts just as they do but retains thousands of years of knowledge you’d collected through experience

You aren’t a god but you aren’t quite human, yet you retain qualities from both

You are in between them but also something entirely different from either

You are you

And perhaps that is enough

“You and I have crossed paths, but our journeys will eventually diverge. Who knows what will happen next? Let's just wait and see.”

You end up meeting many humans (and some gods) in your journey’s but many stand out in your mind

One being the human who later would go onto become a demigod

Heracles who you knew as Alcides is someone you had met by complete accident when he was young

He was being bullied, pushed around and punched by children yet he still tried to put up a fight

He kept pushing on and standing up no matter how many times he was thrown down

You stepped in, sending the children running back scared whilst he gave you a toothy smile

Despite losing and being beaten down he was still optimistic

As you patched up the young boy he explained that those boys had been bullying him and his friends castor

That he never won against them but wouldn’t let them keep hurting his friend

It wasn’t righteous and he couldn’t stand for it

You can’t help but smile as he explains this, he was someone you’d only meet once in a blue moon

So you decide to offer him help

For the next couple of months you help the young boy train just as your father taught you

At first he fails

And fails some more

But he always returns to training no matter how beat down and tired he is

In his training your stern but encouraging

Teaching him to hone his strength and use it properly

It is then he begins to make progress

You show him how to stand up for the weak and to never waver in his righteousness

When you aren’t training him you spend time with him and Castor in Thebes

You buy them proper food and give some extra drachma to take home

They always feel a bit guilty about it but you assure them it’s no worry

You had plenty more (no, literally you had more money than you could spend from being a damn good blacksmith)

Figs are eaten as the three of you watch the sunset along with some honey drizzled fruit

They look up to you like a older sibling and it’s safe to say you view them as little brothers

But eventually as always you must eventually leave

Both are upset (especially Alcides) but on the night before you leave you take them to watch the sunset and stars once again

Eating ripe pomegranates as you explain each constellation that lights up the skies

“There is no need to be sad you two, perhaps we will meet again one day. Even if we don’t I will always be with you in memory and in what I taught. Just look to the stars and remember my stories”

That morning you leave but not before telling Alcides to keep up his training and to keep doing what he believes is right

You leave on horseback throwing to him a bag of coin with a sly smile

It’s many years later that you learn he became a god

A bit of pride swelling up in you along with worry

You can only hope he retained a bit of his love for humanity when he ascended to the heavens

another interesting human you meet is Qin Shi Huang

The first emperor of China with you as his personal Historian

The supposed cursed prince who was able to unite a shattered land under his power

Unlike others who still looked at hims with some semblance of hate or fear you always kept a small smile

Offering the knowledge he seeked with a certain something in your voice as you recounted tales of old

After a certain time he begins coming to you more, wanting to learn more

(Also using it as a way to get to know you. A mysterious traveler that somehow was so knowledgeable that despite being a foreigner ended up in court life)

You are outcasted much like he was when he was a child yet like him you bear it with a smile

When you talk with him the conversations start our formal

But in time he opens up as do you

Not about everything of course but about some of your travels and the sights you’d seen

From far spanning mountains that scraped the clouds to the green fields filled with wheat that made them look like fields of gold

He ends up wrapped up in those stories

At some point he’d come to call you friend

The only person after Chun Yan whom he’d let close to his heart

To see how he actually felt when he hadn’t locked it all behind a smile

As you get close to him rumours spread and it leads to you being harassed by several jealous court members

You don’t say anything, it’s not like it actually affects you anyways but when he learns

He is furious

It hurts him to know you were harmed because of him

That you were hated

Just like he was for actions that were not his own

But you brush it off simply telling him to give them a small punishment but nothing extreme

That in the end your alright and that you can’t really be mad at them

In their eyes your a foreigner who was in a position they could only dream about

It’s expected they’d get mad, maybe trying to drop a vase on your head was a bit much but in the end it didn’t hurt you

He reluctantly follows what you say but remains hesitant to let their actions go

Not long after this he tells you of his childhood, all the pain and loss

But how in the end he killed a god and united the land

There’s something in you that sparks at the “killing a god” part but he doesn’t ponder on it long

Instead the two of you talk

And for the first time you feel close enough to open up about not being human nor god

His ego probably gets a bit bigger when you causally mention that he’d likely go down in history

For your time as his historian he shows you in a lot of luxurious befit for royalty and high class nobles

Even years later you keep them, gifts you’d treasure for the rest of eternity and make sure to keep safe

He was born and bred in brutality so his rather violent ways aren’t much of a surprise but you try to help him find ways to temper it

To see that there are peaceful ways to end a fight

Around 4 years of staying there you know it’s about time to leave and Qin Shi isn’t very happy about it

He tells you as emperor that you couldn’t just leave

That as his historian you couldn’t up and go

As his only true friend

But those orders soon become pleads

And the authority in his voice drained as tears replaced it

During the month before you go he is at your side

Making new memories and silently dreading as hours and days fly by

He listens to more of your stories, to your personal accounts and how they differ to what’s told

And on that last day when the moon is full and you await a horse to take you on your next endeavour he stands by your side

And when the times comes for you to go he gifts you a bracelet commissioned just for you

He gently fastens it to your wrist

“A gift from me, a silent sign that you are forever the friend of the emperor”

“May our paths cross in the future my friend”

“Yes, let’s hope they do”

When he dies on a tour of his land at age 49 you somehow appear before his side as if sensing he was dying

His advisors are confused as he orders them to let you in but they do so in fear of the consequences

You might not agree with many of his actions you’d heard he committed but he was your friend

He passes holding your hand

The bracelet he once gave you is still worn to this day

He only wished he achieved immortality so you never had to deal with loosing yet another friend

But he is human and nothing can change that despite how you and he wish so

If you had a nickel for every time you ran into a human turned god you’d have two nickels

Weird it happened twice but your not complaining

You met Gautama Siddhartha the former prince of Kapilavastu as you took shelter beneath a tree when night fell

There you found him beneath the Bodhi tree that you took shelter beneath in a deep state of meditation

Until you politely asked if he was ok and he answered you

Compared to most you met Gautama is relaxed

He is in-tune with both himself and the world around him in more ways than he knows

You could already tell he was a legends in the making and decided to stick around for a bit to see where his journey would take him

Eventually as he reached enlightenment you grew curious as to why he remained on earth despite being able to go to the heavens above

But he tells you that his word isn’t done, that he wanted to spread what he had learned

To make people happy and to ease their suffering

It makes you happy

Never had you thought a god would do so but you assumed that because he was human before

That’s possibly why he still cared

Even years later when he does eventually go to the heavens you have a small Buddha statue in your possession of many items

As a way to honour him

You wouldn’t exactly call him friend (you didn’t know him long enough to do so though he’d disagree) but he is someone you’d certainly never forget

Raiden Tameemon is another you met curiosity enough at one of his Sumo matches

At the time you heard talk of a seemingly legendary fighter who had yet to lose a match and you wanted to check it out

You weren’t disappointed and began going to show up in the crowds who watched him

His strength was certainly admirable but so was his kindness in donating money back to his home town

So after a match you approached him and went with him for celebratory Sake

You kinda after that became drinking buds with him since other sumo wrestles didn’t seem keen on being around him

He is a lovely fellow one who you swear can eat a mountains worth of food and drink an oceans worth a anything

You on the overhand are technically the same m, you don’t need food or drink to survive you just have it to experience it’s taste and experience

He flirts with you quite a bit but you laugh it off

Taking them as compliments as you comment on his strength

His laugh is loud and boisterous as you both guzzle down more booze

You don’t really get drunk?, so your always the sober one who makes sure to get him home

To a normal person he’d be quite heavy but your able to carry him with no problem

Which gets quite a log of amazed onlookers as you carry him without so much as sweating

At his wrestling matches you’d always at the front of the crowd cheering for him

You know he won’t be defeated but you encourage him anyways

At some point he definitely uses your hat as a makeshift Frisbee despite you yelling at him

Sometimes during his drunken ramblings he talks of how he feels like a monster

You always assure him though that he is not

That he’s a man like everyone else

One who deserves love just like everyone does

It’s a rare moment but hearing that from you makes him cry a little

Perhaps he had waited a long time to hear that

He knows beforehand that you’d have to leave one day but when you do he says goodbye with a smile

He gives you a hug and pats your back with a blinding grin

You promise to catch another of his fights one day and you do

The last one before his retirement is spent with him drinking with you like for old times sake

Slurred singing and messy dancing as you and him walk side by side of the busy street as the moon is risen in the sky

He teaches you to laugh and enjoy a drink when times are rough

Every year though on the date of his death you honour him by having a sip of sake whilst watching the moon

For the moon had is the only remaining witness to those nights filled with laughter

Mr. Anonymous otherwise know as Jack (though your not sure that’s even his real name) finds you on his own

At the time you were briefly stopping off in Britain to check out the Industrial Revolution

So far it’s been disappointing to you and slightly disturbing as you’d seen young children be put on the workforce

Having to deal with hazardous materials and operate machinery that could rip them apart

Oh plus the buzz around the serial killer called “jack the ripper”

Now that in itself didn’t really interest you

But what did was how the media seemingly just ate it up

They speculated and theorized of who done it

Seemingly sickly enamoured by the mane who butchered innocent women who just were trying to get by

Those same victims seen as nothing more than side notes to the man himself

Their murderer

The ripper

At this point your not sure what’s worse, the idolizations of the killer or how the victims themselves are seemingly shamed for their profession

Anyways

Unbeknownst to you Jack had the uncanny ability to see people’s souls as colours along with their emotions

But for you there was nothing

Absolutely nothing except for sparks of electricity? Of sorts that buzzed around you

Ever the gentleman he offers you a spot at his table and even buys you a cup of tea

He insists and you allow him with a smile

You can never pass on a good drink and someone who wanted to talk

Eventually as day turns to night he offers to walk you to your hotel

Saying that London streets aren’t exactly friendly to those alone at night and you agree

It’s on that walk he reveals more of his true intentions

Still cordial and polite but you can tell he’s holding back getting violent if you did not respond

So you respond with the truth since if he attacked he’d figure out you weren’t human anyways

Safe to say he’s very fascinated

For the rest of your stay in England you stick around with him

By your choice as well

He is an interesting man but one that you nether the less find yourself enjoying the company of

He is upfront with you about how he is a killer

And how he goes by the Jack the Ripper moniker after killing the original

He knows he’s not a good person but despite that you see that maybe he’s selling himself short

There’s apparently a secret organization in London that tracks down and kills far worse scum of society

Killing the original Jack the Ripper is also a sign that to you be at least has some moral code of sorts

He brushes your comments off, though you can see that it seems to somewhat resonate with him

You and him often discuss Shakespeare especially since you had met the playwright and even acted in a few of his productions

Though you don’t have a colour he associates your soul with that of a rich Violet

A beautiful colour for someone as beautiful as you are in both body and metaphorical spirit

When your time in Britain is just about up you and him go to see Hamlet

It would be a night he’d never forget since it filled him with joy that he had not seen since the early days of his childhood

He felt at peace for once

Even when you leave you continue to mail to him

Telling him of your travels around the world and even sending a few small souvenirs

When he dies he’s at least glad to have had 1 true friend

“ Aphrodite?, heh. A wolf in sheep's clothing. To exert a higher level of control over people, she puts on a graceful and beautiful front. Most of those who have seen her true colours know of her cruelty”

Through your journeys unlike your many human friends you’ve meet a handful of gods in your time

You don’t go out of your way to meet them

But sometimes fate has different plans

And though those encounters are rare they remain in your mind

For a few examples

You meet Thor when Odin’s Raven Huginn was injured

He was sent to earth to deliver some sort of message and inadvertently got injured

And that’s when you found him, a bleeding mass of feathers in the snow

Yelling swears that would make even Loki blush

The bird is at first hesitant to accept your help

For he saw you as just as human but he reluctantly accepted once realizing he could get nowhere

So you brought the immortal pet of Odin back to your cabin to heal him

Whilst the raven is boastful and full of pride

He eventually begins to like your company as you engage in long conversation with him

Most gods brush him off as annoying so it feels nice being appreciated

He won’t admit it but he might’ve began to get attached

He might not like humanity but maybe your an exception

Once he is healed enough to fly it’s when he is able to alert Odin to his location

And a meeting place is made

You bring him out into the freezing cold

He’s talking and your making hums of acknowledgment as he talks about the gods

It’s somewhat interesting getting his view of them since yours is relatively negative (except for your father and Buddha)

And then he pauses

the talkative raven suddenly leaps from your shoulder and into the air

Flying high as you spot a man…no a god

Long red hair, markings covering his skin, piercing eyes and a large hammer resting upon his shoulder

When you get within a couple feet of him and Huginn the god stares you down

The Raven perched on his shoulder talking his ear off about how you had brought him back to health

It is then you learn the person in front of you is Thor, the strongest of the Norse pantheon

One whom you heard was battle hungry

Though other than that you don’t know much of him

You stand before the god of thunder unfazed

Huginn seems rather surprised at that fact but doesn’t make a comment on it

Perhaps even somewhat amazed at that fact

Thor offers you a reward though he doesn’t seem enthusiastic as he says this

Likely just following the orders from Odin

You quirk an eyebrow

“I don’t want a reward in money, I just have a question for you oh mighty Thor”

His eyes widen ever so slightly but he nods

“What is that?”

“What do you desire out of everything in the world, what is the one thing you want despite being an all powerful god?”

Now that makes him pause

Of all questions be certainly didn’t expect that nor did the Raven that begrudgingly found itself enjoying your company

He answers and your not surprised

“An equal. Someone i could fight full strength and be at match with. That’s what I desire”

You chuckle a bit at this

“I’m not surprised, but that did fulfill my suspicions. I wish the best to you, that you’ll find that one day. Maybe we’ll cross paths again”

And with that he nods and turns around

What surprises him though is when he feels something hit is back

He turns, there’s snow sticking to his hair

But then that-

Your gone, completely and utterly gone when he turns around

The furious wind carrying snow that covers up any footprints

He realizes that by throwing that snowball you were in some way teasing him

Something he’d normally be able to detect before you even threw it hit him like he was nothing

He searches for you for the next couple of years, always searching through crowds whenever he’d have to go to earth for whatever reason

It gave him a sense of something

He wasn’t sure what it was but he knew he wanted to challenge you

He needed to conclude that fight you begun but left for him to finish

But for him he would get to fight you again at a raid Vikings were doing against a village you were staying at

You couldn’t just there and do nothing so you geared up and ran into battle

And that’s when you noticed a familiar red haired god watching nearby

And he seemed to spot you as well since the next moment your engaging in battle with him

The battlefield around the two of you in an icy wasteland is accentuated by crashing thunder and biting lightning as you exchange blows

That the normal apathetic face filled with giddiness at someone finally living up to expectations

The raid is long forgotten as everyone evades the area and you do your best to lead the fight into a nearby wooded area

Trees are flattened by his infamous hammer that now pulsates and cracks at the seams

Flesh spilling out of it as it beats like a heart

You use the trees to bounce off and lead him deeper into the secluded area

Eventually you wear him out just enough to get a hit that sends him staggering back

You could go full power but you decide not to since you’d rather have some cards up your sleeve

And as he’s on the shattered ground, kneeling as a hand is placed over his bleeding chest he asks for your name

You just reply your a wanderer before disappearing into the brush

He’s found by Loki not long after who is confused and somewhat scared at the fact Thor of all people has an almost fatal wound

When he asks the red head simply replies he was training and nothing more

Content on keeping your existence a secret for his own sake of having an equal

Loki doesn’t need to be the god of lies and deception to tell he’s lying but says nothing

Another god you meet is Ares during wartime

You were on the battlefield not fighting but just doing your best to help those who were injured

You’d had a good amount of fighting in your life and had decided to do you best to help instead

And there on the battlefield, bloodied and victorious is the god of war

You locked eyes with him yet didn’t waver

Instead focusing on picking up a solider who had sustained a leg wound

He looks over the human who relies on you and at his uniform

One of the men on his side

Unbeknownst to him someone was foolish enough to try and sneak up on him

But you mouthed the words “behind you” to the god

Within an instant the man is dead and your taking the soldier back to his camp

A small interaction but one nether the less

Sometimes in war you see him but you avoid being seen

Disappearing within the blink of an eye

You’d rather not have your immortal status be known to the gods

There’s a bit of resentment you hold towards him for your fathers sake

Being a lover of your dad’s wife, the goddess of beauty herself

Whilst your father is resigned to the fact that his wife will never love him and goes behind his back constantly

You can’t help but feel angry for him because at this point he’s used to it

Speaking of which

Your father visits you every 5 years on the eve of your creation

Though as he said when you set out on your adventures you can call to him whenever you need him

As usual he is kind and caring

You recount to him your travels

Your friends and all of the advancements in technology the humans had made

He listens with a smile, eyes twinkling with joy at your happiness

On these occasions he almost always gifts you something he’s made

All of which you use on your journey like the satchel that no one but yourself can open

Or your now iconic kasa hat with a veil trailing behind it which was inspired from your times in Japan

And your clothes built to be able to be able to withstand your power when you use them

Hephaestus isn’t used to affection from being scorned by everyone

So he melts when you hug him or hold his hand

You never hesitate to do so and the first time you initiate the platonic action of love he cries

The god of smithing usually talks of his latest invention or what’s happening with the gods

The usual petty squabbles over any inconvenience

being invited to their council meeting every 1000 years yet again but not being told until last minute

He worries for not only you but also humanity

He sees the resentment and disgust the others hold for humans, despite the entire race being moulded after them

They don’t seem to acknowledge that humans are just as flawed as they are

He knows he can’t do anything though

So he just focuses on his worries for you

About how it must be to loose all your human friends

For they age and you don’t

A small part of him expects you to resent him for making you immortal

Yet you don’t

Though yes, it is hard to befriend people knowing you’d always outlive them

And while there were times in your life you had craved death

You came to realize how You enjoy the fact you’ve lived long enough to meet them in the first place

To be able to see how far humanity has come and how far it needs to continue

To watch empires crumble but new ones be rebuilt in their ashes

To meet people like Hypatia or Nicola Tesla, minds ahead of their time only to be recognized for their accomplishments later

Sometimes when he feels more alone than usual he looks at the little gifts you gave him

And it reminds him of how he’ll always have you

The one person who would ever give him love

Something that even his parents had denied him for something that isn’t even his fault

And unlike his uncaring mother and father he’d always give you his love

His care and support

For he knows that someone deprived of that can end up becoming cruel and angry

Just like he had for so many years until realizing there was nothing he could ever do to get that love

But now he realizes that’s ok

they deserve him nor his care

Only his child does

“You want me to introduce myself? I've gone by many names and titles during my journeys. they're all just water under the bridge to me now and you can Call me whatever you like…but y/n is what I originally gave to myself”

When the gods gather for yet another 1000 year meeting Hephaestus feels little need to go yet attends anyways

Perhaps to spite those who wanted him not to go

He sits in his seat of sculpted metal

Normally he barely listens but when the fate of mankind is brought up he becomes deathly aware

X’s are thrown up by almost every god

And he’s left confounded on what to do

He doesn’t put up a sign yet no one notices

And the normally stoic and calm god is left silently panicking

Until a certain Valkyrie makes her appearance

He knew of her well enough

Valkyrie’s were some of the few who treated him fairly since they respected him for his craft of weapons

She offers an opportunity for humanity to prove itself

Ragnarok

An event in which 13 humans and 13 gods would fight to the death

At first not many are intrigued until she does something to ensure they would accept the challenge

She called them chicken, scared to face the humans they had created

Once the meeting is over the god finds Brunhilde and her younger sister Göll

The youngest scared to a T whilst her older sister remains dead calm

It’s there that he tells her that he’s an ally

And that there is someone that she might wish to contact for a fighter

And so she takes his advice and finds you having tea in your home

when she asks you to fight for humanity against the gods you agree

And so Ragnarok begins

[skele-bunny]

I seen you share this post and I know you're comfortable writing these things, so I was wondering if we could have little snippets or maybe a fic elaborating on when you wrote about Dew punching someone for fat shaming Aether? Thanks!! https://www.tumblr.com/skele-bunny/759611991374643200?source=share

Word! Also you're right wjsjdj I don't mind writing these things at all. I'm perfectly fine with getting requests to tackle heavier topics 💪 context: this post by @mutt-sys

CW - FATPHOBIA, RACISM, PARENTAL DISCRIMINATION, ABLEISM, VICTIM BLAMING, TRANSPHOBIA, ACEPHOBIA

Cowbell has experienced acephobia before. Ghouls are sexual driven creatures, there's no way a ghoul is asexual! She's had to deal with crude remarks, "You just haven't met the right person!" // "It's just a phase you'll grow out of." , which also meant unwanted advances. Sometimes it gets to the point she thinks she's broken. That something really is wrong with him.

A multitude of both ghouls and siblings have had to work around ableism. Zephyr simply being denied into places like the bathhouse, outings with their pack as they simple didn't have wheelchair accessibility. Delta being denied accessibility services because he wasn't "blind enough." Pebble fighting for MONTHS to get his hearing aids. Phantom not being accommodated as "We've seen autistic people before. You don't act like that." or just "You? I would've never guessed! You don't look autistic!"

And yeah! Just like in that little hc post, Aether, Cumulus, Omega, Alpha, Ifrit, basically any bigger ghoul has absolutely received fatphobia on a daily basis wether it's subtle or outright. Getting grimaces, especially if they work in the hospital. Bc they're deemed "unhealthy" so why should they work in a "healthy" setting? Omega getting an annoyed sighs from the wardrobe siblings "Guess we need another size up..." Cumulus being deemed unattractive because of her weight, her height, basically anything about her was unattractive. Unlovable.

Even Terzo faced discrimination. Constantly misgendered and deadnamed even after being publicly out, always feeling his face warm up and heart stop as he's deadnamed in front of someone who only knew him as Terzo. But forced to bare it and grin as if he even tries standing up for himself he's "Sensitive" or "Over reacting" and given just annoyed sighs and eye rolls. Sunshine and Cirrus getting scoffed at and slurs thrown at them for entering women's sections of say the bathhouse or changing room at the gym. Constantly being reported (that doesn't go anywhere) but passively aggressively suggested to use the gender neutral rooms instead, which just makes them more upset.

Mist experiencing discrimination with her kits! One of them starts fussing and annoyed whispers of "I wish there were child free places"//"Does that baby have to be here?"//"Great, just what I wanted. A screaming kit." At first he was able to stand up for himself and curse them out but after so many times... It's hard to not let it get to you. Just softly crying and getting frustrated at not only himself but her kits :/. Unable to go back to work as they don't want someone "wrapped up with kits who's unreliable."

(Based on my own and my partners experiences.*)

Ghouls facing issues as they're learning a new language, just broken and choppy but doing their best to try and communicate. Always gets those fake smiles as they turn to a ghoul that been around longer "Could you translate for them?" Or even speaking to them like a child. "What is YOURRR naammee?" Just outright ignored if they try to get someone's attention bc that person doesn't want to 'struggle' with trying to understand even tho they're not even attempting.

Swiss having to learn to do his own hair and more styles as the stylists didn't know how to even work with his hair type. They just shaved it and he was MORTIFIED. Always labeled as aggressive by passer-byers and being followed around in stores while Dew is left alone and even approached with friendly service. Being stopped twice and accused of shoplifting and trying to defend himself only to, once again, be marked as aggressive and hostile.

Dew terrified to come out about anything he experienced bc he's heard the whispers about other people coming out. "Well what did she do to deserve it?"//"He must've led her on."//"That's what happens when you drink!" So he just stays quiet and never speaks up about anything, just forced to deal with it on his own even after he confided in Aether and Mountain as he's scared they think that of him.

Shit SUCKS. While there have been improvements through the years, unions, changes made with each Papa, it doesn't always stop it. Unfortunately, discrimination will always be around. 🫠

[chibi-celesti]

Infelious Rhaplanca (May my Love Reach You Someday)

Pairing: Your TW fav x Reader. (For this story, they are the role of Prefect.) Gender neutral pronouns used for Reader.

Synopsis: You chose to save those you love by ending it all.

(To end the Overblot pandemic, one live is forsakened for the survival of many.)

A/N: Rhaplanca and Maoh are mythological Gods in the lore of Ar Tonelico(specifically AT II: Melodies of Metafalss), but you can perceive Maoh as another way of Reader referring their love as Maoh in this case as they(Reader) are the Rhaplanca of this tragedy.

This is based on the song of the same title of Ar Tonelico III Soundtrack. The translation was from AbstracGarden, one of many channels that have translations of Ar Tonelico and Ar Nosurge songs.

~Infelious Rhaplanca~

Everyone… I'm so sorry.

I don't want to leave you all, but if I don't do this then you all the rest of the world will suffer.

There is hardly any semblance of life left. The black iquor spreading like wildfire to many realms, transforming-no corrupting-everyone, magical and magicless. Relishing in tormenting so many people of this beautiful world. 

That's why…!

The Prefect of Ramshackle ran as fast they could to the highest point of their destination, the Tower of the Great Sorcerer. While it is leagues away from everyone else fighting for their lives against the Blot in each of the Seven Realms they've seen during their time in Twisted Wonderland, they knew it was the best choice for what they had planned. 

They looked down to their hands at the eight blot stones, knowing the ritual needed them plus one more energy source to expunge the malicious darkness once and for all. Looking back at everything they've experienced in the last year and a half in this world, it was hard to hold back their tears. It wasn't long before the dam finally broke. I don't want to leave you, but I don't want you to die either. Please forgive me, and may my love reach you and others.

They thought back of their friends, the highs and lows they experienced with them. The chaos of challenging each Overblot born from years of concealed anger and sorrow. And lastly, their thoughts drifted to him. That one person who made a difference in their lives. The person they loved so much, one who they wanted to share their future with. Live on for my sake, please?

Once they felt like they had nothing left to shed, they proceeded with the ritual. Placing the stones around them in a circle, they rose to their feet and began the rite of (METAFALICA) to save the world.

~Rrha ki ra chs longherna mea sos juelicc yor etealune,

En wearquewie yorr iehaw anw plargamera der zayea pauwel.~

~Presia, rrha quel ra shyfac rre Lasnatine chs weareqye oz plargmera.~

~En rre murfanare oz mea,

Meycray tes inferiare terrma, Maoh.~

MARRSEFXIL

EFAHECDOY

TITSSSYE

AZIYVRS

FOGQUW

AABIM

LXAE

IYX

CI

A

[I call upon the creation of the new World, METAFALICA.]

With each word recited, they felt parts of their body deteriorate. They thought it would hurt more than this; however, that wasn’t the case. It was painless, freeing almost. And the more they sang the rite for crafting a better world, the lighter they felt. The tears fell from their cheeks again, wishing they saw their beloved once more and hoping that he is not angry at their decision to do this.

“Prefect!!” They heard someone shout at them in the tower. They looked as best they could in their current state-

And saw the one they love, battered but still alive. With horror written all over their face. “What are you- STOP!! PLEASE!!” He rushed to their side, begging them not to leave him. He grabbed at them, or as much of them that is left. “Why?! Why would you do this?!”

“I…wanted…to save you… and everyone.” They were beginning to feel tired. “Saving everyone…is more important…than a magicless human’s.”

“THAT’S NOT TRUE!!” He rebuked them. “YOU ARE IMPORTANT!! TO OUR FRIENDS, TO ME!! DO WE NOT MATTER TO YOU?!”

They shook their head. “No…never…you all…,” they’re having trouble speaking and their eyelids were getting heavy as more of their body faded up to their upper chest. “I love you all…so much…” One more tear slipped from their eyes as they felt their lover leaving them a kiss on their lips one last time.

“I love you, too.” His voice broke as he saw the remnants of his beloved disappear in his arms.

Soon, the ground beneath his feet began to glow, blinding and swallowing him in a warm light. The light continued to spread all over Twisted Wonderland from the Queendom of Roses, Briar Valley and the Far East, to the depths of the Coral Sea and Isle of Woes. Monsters and Phantoms of Blot, and people close to succumbing to the darkness were engulfed in the light. The beasts dissolved away into the light mercifully, and those close to death were healed and rescued from its clutches. The nature of the planet was reforming itself, cleansing away the Blot from its veins.

The Prefect’s last wish to save those they cared about was fulfilled.

>///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////<

Hope you enjoyed this bucket full of angst. The sad feels hit me like a truck and this came out from it.

[i-3at-s0ap]

I've been having some (scattered and unhelpful) thoughts about Nicky being transmasc and how that affects the Nick vs. Narcolas situation, and I thought I'd make a post abt it!

Senseless blabbering under the cut ⚠️

(for the purposes of this post, Nick is pre Meth bay and Glenn's son, Nicolas/Narcolas is post Meth bay and Jodie's son and Nicky is post demon-ification)

Ok! So, I headcanon Nick Close to be transmasc (whether binary or not isn't important rn). The real question is, Is Nicolas also transmasc?

Possibility 1) Nicolas is transmasc. Growing up Jodie's kid, he was exposed to queer people, yes, (I don't think Jodie is transphobic/homophobic or anything) but it would've definitely been a very sanitized, corporate, binary queerness. I think Nicolas would've realized he was trans at a very young age, Idolizing his dad and wishing he could be like him. Realizing he was trans kinda made that fiction seem more reasonable and attainable, so he wouldn't have pushed the feelings down. I think talking to his dad about this would've been a fairly "typical" coming out. Lots of "I love you no matter what" and "this is a big decision but I will support you". Support, but it was also a serious matter.

Nick on the other hand would've grown up with Glenn and (only while he was very young) Morgan. At least in my head, they would've both been pretty down with gender fuckery and playfulness around gender expression and identity. Like Nicolas, Nick would've also realized pretty young, given his parents exposing him to Queer culture and making sure he knew he could be whatever he wanted. When he came out it wasn't ceremonial or anything, and was met with a resounding "fuck yeah! Rock on man".

When Nicky was """created""" these memories coincided and heightened his awareness of the differences in his upbringing and also how he lives now. I'm sure there's some good potential for stories, angst and fics in there.

Possibility 2) Nicolas is a cisgender boy.

Nicolas grows up surrounded by men like his dad, masculine and, in his eyes, perfect. He is constantly trying to be like his dad, and feeling inadequate because of that. Alongside this impossible standard of manhood he is being raised in, he is also having to face the challenges and toxicity of cis boyhood.

As he becomes Nicky, the memories of the playfulness of being raised by Glenn and being trans are mixed with the experience of being surrounded by unachievable toxic masculinity of being Nicolas. Nicky has no idea if he counts as trans or not, being he technically has the body of a cis boy, (something Nick longed for.) He has a very complicated relationship to womanhood and being trans, while also having lived as a cis boy too. Let's face it, at least in my experience cisgender boys are taught to be transphobic, homophobic, racist, ableist and every terrible thing in the book. Although I doubt Nicolas was the worst, he still grew up in a "agree with these terrible 'jokes' or you're out" environment, one that is suffocating and hypnotic to be in. The cognitive dissonance and later guilt he would've experienced upon remembering his life as Nick, as a transmasc, would've been painful at best, downright excruciating at worst. (Kinda a really extreme version of the human experience of doing something wrong then regretting it later.)

In my personal experience, I spent the first 12 years of my life as a cisgender girl, and to be completely honest I had some fucked up opinions on neopronoun users, furries, alt people and people who are nowadays called 'cringe'. It fucking sucks looking back on that even though I've since come out as trans and bi (and am dating a neopronoun user!!!! Hi Leonardodicapriowo!!!!) I still (correctly) feel incredibly guilty about the things I thought and the things I said. (I'm fairly sure I wasn't vocal about my opinions and never really hurt anyone, but you can never know) I also feel like that concept could be explored really interestingly with Nicky.

Idk these thoughts have just been floating around in my head for a while and I thought I'd write em down somewhere!

[thecavernsabove]

okay now i just want to talk about my expectations versus why i have ended up liking certain characters because i am just so intrigued by everything these people and characters do. for bells hells, i went into it knowing i would love ashton because they are the reason I started watching, i didn't think i would really latch onto any other character, apart from maybe fearne because she's a satyr and i am particularly partial to satyrs, and imogen because i mean it's laura bailey!

but what actually happened, is that yes i did get super attached to ashton of course i did, but my top three quickly became ashton, orym and laudna (and as someone who started being able to watch live at the split you can imagine how devastated i was). and recently chetney is really creeping up there. i do love all the characters dearly though.

ashton just reminds me of myself so much, apart from the fact that they are much braver than i could ever be, and blunter too. i wish i could be them and also see all my faults in them. its a lot.

orym was my first introduction to liam o'brien and his devastating little guys (more on caleb later), and just his backstory and the way he deals with people intrigues me so much and i want to see him happy so bad.

laudna oh laudna. marisha ray you have ruined me. even going into this with my minimal knowledge of the briarwoods, her backstory reveal was so intense and it hurt. also, creepy unnerving girlies stick together! she's iconic.

chetney is so wild to me i love him so much. he is so intensely gender as well i love him so much. i love gruff and grumpy characters that are actually nice once you are more friendly with them.

imogen. i will say it took a little bit for her to grow on me but i do love her. i think the bassuras dusk stuff really helped me like her more. also her immense power and lightning scars are pretty cool if you ask me.

fearne. i love how sweet she is and the stuff like being bad at lying and also just stealing little things here and there was really fun. but what made me like her more was when she got more serious and i didn't expect that (foreshadowing for later!)

fcg. now, i still have, mixed? feelings for fcg. in a sense of i dont hate the character but i think the character arc is not something im too interested in, but i do still like them. the stuff with frida was very nice, and i do like the bits that they do - but i think there still feels like there is something missing for me somewhat.

now, with the mighty nein, i had an inkling on who i would like. i thought caleb certainly because we seem very similar, molly maybe because i liked ashton so hey i might like this taliesin character too! and that was it really. going into it though, because i had seen so much of jester (talking about her and cosplays mostly) i thought that she would be probably my least favourite because her personality didn't seem to really gel with what i usually like in characters. but here i am, on the other side with my favs being caleb, fjord, and jester! it was so much watching everything for the first time, even with knowing the big spoilers and then looking at more minor spoilers so i knew somewhat what would happen - but i do that with a lot of things, its different knowing what happens versus actually watching and experiencing what is happening.

caleb. caleb widogast is such an intense character and i loved every minute i spent with him. i spent so much time checking when i would finally see the nein sided tower of his and watching liam describe everything for an hour was so incredible i was in awe. i truely love that dirt wizard so much.

fjord was a truly unexpected character for me to fall for. the first time i realized that i was going to love him though was when they were in the one politicians house early in the campaign and he held his sword to caleb to make sure he wasn't fucking with them. then seeing his growth, the accent change, and just his whole deal i was enraptured. i do miss the southern eldritch blast though.

jester oh my goodness did she creep up on me. i think her initial cuteness that i had experienced throughout just existing on the internet put me off for some reason but i don't know why. however i did quickly fall in love with her, when she had one of her more sinister/serious moments early on. i don't remember what it was but i remember thinking oh. /oh./ okay. i love her. and then her relationship with her mama, and artie, gosh i just loved watching laura bailey do literally anything. the cupcake bit! also the sprinkle bit is quite funny. i also just love doing her voice when im talking to myself. she is also the reason that i take a decent amount of damage spells with my current cleric.

beau. i think i thought that i would have liked her more than i did (don't get me wrong i liked her a lot but she is not in my top three), but she is incredible. as a fellow monk pc i do love going the extra mile with those stunning strikes, and also seeing her relationship with yasha blossom was so lovely. and her bro relationships with fjord and caleb were also some of my favourites.

yasha. after starting with campaign three, it was really hard to not see ashley all the time and i remember having to look on the wiki while watching to check when she would come back every time she left. i think i really started to like her more after her she got taken, and went through that big arc, and we were around her more often. i loved watching her dreams. i loved watching her so much.

veth was so unexpected are you kidding me?? i will say i have yet to have a sam character be in my top three but god he knows how to throw an emotional punch and i love that kind of stuff. i love her relationship with caleb, the detective agency, the chaos crew. i love her arc of getting herself back, of seeing her family again. ough. im a big lover of families.

caduceus. goodness gracious me what a character. i just absolutely loved the aesthetic and caduceus's whole relationship to how he approaches death. he is also the reason i started playing a grave cleric in a newer campaign. but truly, has made me think differently about death - which was especially needed for me this year.

mollymauk. i knew he was dead. i knew he would die. but that didn't make me any less upset when it happened! i think about him often, what could have been. especially since i was so sure he took the wrong amount of damage in that fight and should not have quite have been knocked out at that time. but his whole maximallist aesthetic is something i very much enjoy, and i love the through line of his cards with jester.

wow okay this has gotten to be very long but i need to get my thoughts about everyone out somewhere!! if you've read this far im so sorry this is so much of my own ramblings.

[aliasrocket]

If you're still accepting requests, could I request Rocket crushing on someone? How it would go from him not liking the person, to denial, and then finally to realisation/acceptance ❤️

Since this request wasn’t too specific, I’m gonna assume you wanted me to list down some hcs I have about Rocket having a lil crush. If I was wrong, please lmk! So sorry in advance hehe.

Rocket crushing on someone <3 (gender neutral!)

(omg this ended up being a whole imagine/mini fanfic wtf)

gif source &lt;3 / here’s my masterlist!!

» the beginning.

This was not supposed to go this way.

He was just supposed to have a conversation with someone at a bar for the sake of not looking half as miserable as he really is, get drunk, leave, and deal with whatever hell spawn of a hangover he’d get in the morning.

There was just something about them that was so …

Hard to let go.

“Welp, I better get goin’. Can’t keep my crew waiting.”

They smiled, setting their wine glass down. “Oh, do you really have to go?”

Oh, fuck.

If their voice, their smile and that blinding glint in their eye was something he could catch, he would have had it in a glass bottle before you could even realize he’d caught it.

Yeah because their voice was nice. Nothing else to it.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

He was still chanting that as he stumbled out of the bar wishing he could smash the bottle in his hand to pieces.

Whether it had echoed in his head or fallen out of his lips as indecipherable slurring, he couldn’t tell the difference with all the liquor he’s had to down just to get their voice the slightest bit softer in his head.

» denial.

Of course Rocket would have never admitted it if someone else didn’t point it out for him.

So he tries his best to hide it from the guardians. Absolutely looks the other way when his crush comes around and he’s walking around with his family.

He would be pretty angry and bummed out about it, too.

The simple fact is that Rocket has lost people before. He cannot afford to go through even a fraction of that pain again because he’s had enough.

You can’t lose what you don’t have.

They don’t even know my name, so there was nothing there, he thought.

Did he tell them his name?

Doesn’t matter. They’re someone he met at the bar, that’s their name, Rocket decided. ‘Someone I met at the bar.’

But it only makes him recall their name even more.

He mulled over the conversation and began analyzing each word—what could they have even said that was all that charming?

Maybe if he got to the root of the problem, he could find the anomaly and rip it the fuck out.

No, but of course that’s not how shit worked. They sort of just … linger. Make you imagine the things that person likes.

Okay, so Rocket decided to make a new set of blasters. He was kinda outgrowing his most used ones anyway.

And, it’s not a crush but a certain point in time where both parties were at their (somewhat) best. They were probably a difficult person to deal with. Maybe a slut? Not that there was anything wrong with that, because Rocket wasn’t any different just—

THIS FALLS UNDER THE CATEGORY OF ‘THINKING ABOUT THEM’!

Stopping now.

He walks around to find stores with parts he needs, and he runs into them.

Them.

Them with their stupid hair and their stupid clothes and their stupid taste in fashion (stupid, stupid, stupid, definitely stupid, nothing more.)

(He acts like a little child experiencing his first crush. It wasn’t his decision. He’s not built for this.)

They look to Rocket.

Their eyes widen, as does their pretty—pretty shit-eating smile.

“Oh, Rocket! Hey!”

He froze.

No, nevermind, freezing entails being completely stoned but he was painfully aware of his heaving chest and his hanging jaw and his greedy lungs.

He fled.

On all fours, he ran faster than he ever knew he could.

» realization/acceptance.

… yeah. There was nothing else to say, or do, or feel.

There was no more escaping it.

Thank god he doesn’t have their number.

“Rocket?”

“Hm?”

“Who’s ‘someone I met at a bar’?”

The team were on a commission in a conveniently far planet, much to Rocket’s delight.

So much for not having their number.

Quill was on the access panels.

“Don’t you know how to fuckin’ read?” Rocket snapped. “It’s right there on the goddamn screen.”

“Yeah but how is it that a screen is telling me more about this encounter than you ever did?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“Rocket.”

“What?”

Quill looked at him.

He was doing that thing where his shoulders are slumped and he presses his lips together.

“Spit it out already!”

“It’s okay to be into someone,” Quill said.

Rocket scoffed audibly.

“I knew that.”

“Rocket.”

“What?”

“It’s okay to be into someone,” Quill repeated a lot slower this time.

“I know!” Rocker shrieked, like his voice was cracking under his dissolving defense. “I’m not a damn child.”

“And you’re not a monster, either,” Quill corrected.

And he definitely read Rocket’s mind.

That was just about as much as he could stomach.

So there was no more talking for the rest of the trip.

So yes, Rocket would have never admitted it if someone else didn’t point it out for him.

[celticcatgirl2]

Gender and sexuality and how they can change over time can be such a funny thing so I had one friend as a kid who at the time had just came out as lesbian (tho now I think they may be transmasc of some sort ot another but I’m not 100% sure so I’m just using they/them) and I was at the time sorta trying to very awkwardly perform straight male identity^tm and like faking stuff I just wasn’t really actually experiencing to feel normal but I was also like not an asshole about gay people. So anywyas they had said soemthing when where hanging out at Barnes & noble and we where looking through calendars and there was one with some scantily clad women on it and this friend was Liek “oh I like that one…don’t judge I have needs you know!!!” And I to both try to I guess show support and also do the middle school performance of “yeah I’m totally doing the normal teenage boy things” was like “nah I get you it’s rhe same here ” even tho it WASN’T at the time like that at all a thing I was actually personally experiencing. Which feels also like an odd story cause now I DO have my own experiences of attraction and aesthic appreciation of women (albeit still probably not quite the same way due to the idiosyncrasies of my aspec stuff) that I could probably connect with more authentically.

I kinda wonder what happened to this person they where pretty cool and talked about like marvel stuff with me in elementary/early middle school we kinda lost contact and I don’t really have a way of getting back in touch r but I wish I did I kinda just in general have fond memories of hanging out as kids and kinda wonder how we might be able to relate now espically if them being trans in some way like I vaugely heard is true…

Heh this was just gonna be a funny story about childhood that’s even funnier with how the people involved’s identity’s changed over time but I I geninuely miss my old friend now….

I Remeber they were into My Chemical Romance and knew all about Umbrella Academy WAY before the Netflix show….they liked the teen titans cartoon and identified with Raven at the time (tho there’s a strong possibility this part may have changed) I hung out at their house and we watched like the 2000s X Men and Elektra movies and also scary movie I’m pretty sure, before they came out as lesbian out parents would tease us about “liking each other” but we where really just friends and it was just needlessly awkward.

At that bookstore some weirdo evangelicals tried to prostiyze to us and I was trying to comfort them after the fact and we ended up laughing at the whole concept.

We had a pretty cool music teacher we both liked allot in our small private K-8 cause liked all the DC Marvel stuff like we did (and in their case I think they knew more about like actual music stuff too lol)

I know this is a long shot I don’t even know if they’re ON tumblr but I’m gonna tag a bunch of relevant terms and see if they’re out there. If you’re NOT this person please reblog and boost this and increase the chances of them finding it…and if you ARE this person idk if you Remeber me but I’m Alex we went to High Point together, you probably changed allot from what I vaugely heard at the end and well I have too perhaps in similar ways I’d love to reconnect with you and catch up and see we’re where both at now. You were a pretty cool friend and I genuinely hope you’re thriving now I know you’ve had allot of difficulties over the years and I genuinely wish the best for you….

[f1ghtsoftly]

When I first became radicalized in 2017, I felt extraordinarily hopeless. The gay and lesbian friends I grew up with, were mostly addicted, traumatized, still closeted. I had a friend who had recently died from a heroin overdose, another who had been kicked out by his conservative parents. My lesbian friends had mostly transitioned, some were in the sex industry.

When I was formerly introduced to queer theory, I became enraged. It felt like what I, and more importantly my friends, had experienced growing up was being papered over-turned into an intellectual exercise for the rich. I was disgusted. I was angry. I felt betrayed. Like the promise of “it gets better” was just marketing.

Most importantly, I had nobody in my life I could turn too to talk about how I felt. Most of straight people I knew reflexively denied anything of the sort was going on, most of them wouldn’t entertain discussions of homophobia, likely out of guilt for their own behavior and beliefs, just a few years ago. A lot of gay people I knew couldn’t talk about it. Many gay people took any criticism of transgender ideology at all as immediately threatening, a perspective I understood but felt was incomplete.

The movement has grown so much since then. We are regularly covered in major publications, there are feminist gatherings all over the place in the US. Women in the UK have had a string of judicial victories that will hopefully allow them to organize women more openly.

There are a lot of aspects of the Gender Critical Movement I don’t like. I don’t always think Transgender people are treated with respect by self-proclaimed feminists and I wish Lesbians, Autistic women and CSA Survivors were platformed more often as leaders. I think collaborating with the organized Right in the US is a mistake that we should avoid when and where we can help it. I worry many individuals anger at transgender ideology is simply a masked hatred of gender nonconformity, I don’t know how to weed those people out of a movement effectively.

However, I do think that we can begin to rebuild a Women’s Movement from this moment. Something that addresses the challenges of today’s world while retaining ideological links to the past and puts forward concrete, measurable goals that will help all women lead. The point of feminism isn’t just to hang on to the analysis and legislative victories of the second wave (although with the way things have been going, that is also pressing). It’s to push it forward, I want us to be more than just a reaction to a co-option of feminism and gay rights. I want us to put forward an alternative vision of the future, one that honors our bodies, respects our dignity and pushes us further along the path of liberation.