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meichenxi · 4 years

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*rant commencing*

ok guys let’s sit down and have a think about the way we talk to kids, particularly neurodivergent ones, and the weight it carries

the other day, I opened up to a friend about something really hurtful my best (and only) friend said to me when I was fifteen. It was a moment of emotional intimacy and the first time I had brought it up seven years later and, once again, I got laughed at and told I was too fucking sensitive

and ok maybe yeah I was a ridiculous child. I’m a ridiculous adult, that shouldn’t be surprising. But this hurt and hurt and hurt and I was trying to think about why this in particular and not anything else was so painful

so here’s the situation. at fifteen, like many smart kids, everyone thought the world was open to me. Ok I had no social skills to speak of and was ostracised by teachers and students and family, but I was an optimistic kid, and in a disaster of a home situation (involving kidnappings and court cases and running away and being out of school for a year and a brother starting drugs at 12 and living in a shelter and basically just a LOT) I was always the smiley helpful one. and apart from being defeated by very simple mechanisms like idk drawers or biscuit packets, I picked things up quickly. I took GCSEs early and extra and tutored others; I was a regional competitive swimmer in breaststroke and open water; I taught myself the flute and got into an international touring youth orchestra without lessons; I won a poetry competition for adults in primary school; I played competitive netball and was a long distance runner; I drew and sold my art; I wrote shitty novels and started making conlangs and was interviewed on bbc world about it; I loved performing and was invited to join a theatre company when I left school; and my biggest passion in the entire world apart from Tolkien was martial arts. And the best thing was for my parents - one of whom was disabled and didn’t work and the other who was a cleaner - is that I worked two paper rounds and tutored younger children and earned all of the money for it myself. blah blah blah. I was your mum’s friend’s kid.

well, I’m a disaster adult, so you can probably guess that none of that lasted for very long. and there are gazillions of people here with exactly the same story.

the point in question, though, was when I was fifteen and thinking about sixth form (the last two years of school in the UK) it was becoming clear alarmingly fast that you weren’t allowed to just keep doing everything you loved. at some point you had to make a choice.

but how could I give up swimming for music? Or music for languages? Or languages for athletics? Or athletics for theatre? or, actually, all of them but one???? how did people just know what they had to do with their lives? how did they choose?

the problem was, I said to my friend, I know I could do well at any of them, so how was I supposed to choose? (tactless and a stupid thing to say and also just not true but I was fifteen and simultaneously disgustingly cocky and cripplingly insecure) And he laughed and said, well, fuck you then.

oh noooo. poor meeeeeee. I’m so fucking good at things what do I dooooo

I haven’t stopped thinking about that comment for seven years. Every single time I think about wasting my potential, every time I can’t sleep because I’m terrified that I’m not being productive or useful and hating myself because I’m upset that I can’t do something right away and I know it’s a stupid thing to be upset about - I think about that comment. I’m lucky. It’s alright for some.

because, actually, being expected to know what to do with your life aged 15 is a fucking terrifying thing. we were kids at fifteen being told to make decisions as if we had all the facts, as if we weren’t also being blindfolded and spun around in circles until we couldn’t stand. Do you do what your parents say? what you think you want to do? what your teachers say? do you just stay in education even though it’s not for you because your dream is stupid, or because you don’t have a dream like everyone else seems to? are you supposed to have a dream?

*it’s NOT a stupid thing to worry about*

particularly when? well, when your entire self worth equates to the things that you output, the things that you do. so just for a moment, put yourself in the shoes of all of these wonderful, dazzling, damaged, crazy kids with big dreams and big hearts, kids that are struggling right now and kids that are our future, and imagine that you’ve been told since you were old enough to read or speak or walk that you’re just so very clever

isn’t it just wonderful how clever you are? isn’t it just great how we never need to worry about you? you’re such an easy child, it’s a blessing. always so considerate, so thoughtful, never making a fuss! isn’t it just fantastic how well you do in school? I can’t imagine what it must be like to have a child who went to all of those nasty parties. you’re so dedicated

raise your hand if you were only ever told you were good. raise your hand if you were never told you were kind.

so, what happens? you take a child, and you tell them for its entire childhood that they’re clever. You don’t tell them that they’re creative, or hard-working, or dedicated, or driven, or helpful. You let them know that it’s ok that they’re weird, because they’re going to be successful. what do you think parents say to their kid who’s crying because she has no friends and she doesn’t understand what the other children are thinking and why they would hurt each other like that? even good parents, the very best of them, say things like: you’re just more mature than they are. it doesn’t matter. keep your head down - you’ll show them.

your child, in the best case scenario, has access to her hyperfixation that makes the world big and bright and beautiful. she’s a bit weird, but it’s kind of cute. anyway, she’s good at it. and as long as she succeeds, conventionally, and you get to brag, then it’s ok that she’s a little bit unconventional.

and then things to break, just a little. and then, aged eleven, your child is having an asthma attack in the classroom because she got so anxious she couldn’t answer a maths question she couldn’t breathe. it’s ok, her parents tell her the next day. you’re just not good at maths - that’s alright. you don’t have to be good at everything

your child, because she’s perceptive, begins to realise that things don’t get better as you get older. people are just as cruel at 12 as they are at 7, and they’ll be just as cruel at 15. and then one day, as a bad joke because she doesn’t really understand humour, she writes a fake text to her dad from someone’s phone in legalese that actually has a secret code hidden it in that she knows her dad will crack right away because he’s brilliant. she thinks it’s hilarious. her father thinks he is being threatened, and spends the next week in meltdown, bedridden and burnt-out. and when she owns up, he turns and snaps at her, and says as if you could write something like that. an ADULT wrote this, not a fucking child

and suddenly, that cleverness they kept talking about? they don’t even understand that.

suddenly, no one sees her at all.

she needs to learn to be like the other kids. to be like a fucking child. and while she’s learning, she doesn’t speak for a year

that happened to me, but take your pick - I’m sure you don’t have to look far to find examples of your own.

My point is this: if you tell a child for their entire life that the only thing that is worthy of being loved is what they achieve, if every time they do something they love you tell them oh, you could be a famous writer! you’re so talented! rather than saying that you loved listening to their story, if you only praise them when they’re good and quiet and convenient and tell them that as long as they succeed, it doesn’t matter if they don’t have friends or if they’re miserable, and THEN you tell them to choose ONE THING and drop 90% of everything that makes them who they are -

what the hell did you THINK was going to happen??

because here’s the first thing. for many kids, whether that’s because of neurodivergence or age maturity or whatever, hyper fixations and hobbies aren’t just things they like to do. THEY ARE LIFELINES. they’re the things these kids go to when they’re hurt, angry, upset, because they make sense. for many kids, especially but not always girls, they are able to camouflage themselves and mask tendencies of neurodivergence because they’re ‘good students’. at a family gathering once, my mum, so frustrated at my inability and lack of desire to talk to any members of my extended family, snatched my German grammar book and locked it in the boot of the car. knowing that I escape and read it in the toilet was the only thing keeping me going, exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed. I vomited on the grass.

and here’s the second thing. you tell us from an early age that they only way we’ll ever be acceptable to the rest of society is if we succeed. autistic kids are fine, as long as they’re international maths olympiad champions. adhd kids are fine, as long as they’re famous athletes. if you’re obsessed with musicals that’s ok, as long as that obsession leads to a well-paying job as a successful writer on Broadway.

and then you tell us that we only have one chance at that success? and this decision determines the rest of our lives? and that we had so much potential when we were kids, and we better not waste it now? that not everyone is so lucky to be able to choose between so many things??

because being asked to choose between these things isn’t being asked to choose a hobby. when the only way anyone else defines you positively is by your success in one area, that becomes your entire identity.

so no, we’re not being too sensitive when you ask us to pick and choose what career, or what hobby to take forward. you’re not asking about hobbies. you’re asking us to choose what kind of person we want to be. you’re asking us to choose the most impactful way we can give back to the world, because we can’t waste those god-given talents. you’re asking us to figure out, still a child and hopelessly lost, what our purpose on this planet is. and you’re looking at us as if the ways that we survived all of these years, the things we clung to for comfort, are things we can just cast aside without further thought

ask me now, and I’ll tell you that’s not the way things work. we have second chances and third ones and tenth ones, we can be different things to different people and we can do different things at different parts in our lives, and be successful in different areas. life isn’t a fucking flowchart. and I’m still trying to come to terms with all the things I could have been, and my freak-outs about ‘wasted potential’ are so clockwork I could plan my calendar around them, but I’m beginning to understand that life doesn’t end when you’re twenty, or when you haven’t written a best-seller by eighteen. you have time.

but at fifteen? at fifteen, that question broke me.

do you know what you can do instead? you can show a little thoughtfulness. you can be kinder, and lead by example, and praise your kids when they’re kind too. when your son runs to you and shows you what you think is a better picture than you - a stick figure artisan, if you say so yourself - could ever create, you can actually just say you really like it. you can ask him if that’s him and daddy and the dog on a cloud. describe the picture back to him, and engage with this thing he’s made from his imagination - tell him the clouds he’s drawn are so big and fluffy and white, and ask if there are giant spiders living there. you know how to shut a child up? tell them yes dear, it’s wonderful. don’t be that person. promote your kid’s creativity - ask questions, have fun, play with this thing they’ve made - and not destroy it

when your daughter comes to you and shows you a song she’s written, don’t tell her she’s so talented or that she could be a musician one day. just sing along. ask her why she wrote it, and what she was thinking of when she did. ask her if she could make it different for two people singing it at the same time.

and if your child just really, really loves maths? let them do maths. it’s ok if their interests are stereotypical - as long as they love it and it’s fun, supporting them is wonderful. the best present my father ever got me was five hours of tutoring - an introduction to linguistics!! - when I turned twelve, starting on my birthday at 8am. I had never felt so understood and so loved.

as much as these simple things can destroy someone’s life, can stop them talking for a year, you have the chance to be that one voice of kindness that is a friend where a young person needs it most.

for me, this was the Bus Lady. I never knew her first name because I forgot immediately and was too embarrassed to ask again, but we got the bus together for two years right before I applied to university - she was a trainee teacher at my school. she saw that I missed tutor group and sat in the corridor every morning writing, and that I ran laps for an hour every lunchtime instead of sitting alone. but she came and sat with me one morning and asked what I was doing; I was developing a new shorthand and told her so warily.

she didn’t raise her eyebrows or say wow, that’s...that’s amazing. instead she frowned and looked at me skeptically and said ‘But why would you do that? There are plenty of functional shorthands out there - what does your shorthand have that they don’t? Tell me about it.’

I had no idea what to say

this was the first time anyone had actually ENGAGED in any capacity with what I was doing. and just like that, just by treating me seriously and asking valid questions and pointing out inconsistencies, I was a person who happened to have an idea that was in some serious need of questioning, and not a freak

there’s no way she remembers that interaction; she’s been a teacher now for year and probably doesn’t even remember who I am. But I had been this close to not going to university, to not bothering, and she made me stop, and wait a moment

she will never know the difference that that conversation and two months of kindness on the bus from a stranger made in my life.

so let’s be kind to each other, please. let’s be forgiving. let’s challenge each other and let’s engage with kids with special interests and listen to them talk. and so to any educators or teachers or parents or even other kids, I want to say - let’s treat our words seriously and with respect, like we treat our children, because they have immense capacity to hurt, because they can be used for good.

to any other fifteen year olds in a similar position, I just want to say: none of us here on tumblr have properly sorted our lives out, but I promise you it does get so much better.

you’re not too sensitive. you’re not a freak. you’re not only acceptable because you succeed. I know if you’re masking you feel you have to and it’s for survival, and I’m sorry, because you shouldn’t have to. and you should never, never have to think that you ‘have it good’ or that you’re lucky and are not allowed to hurt. there’s always some one who has it worse, and you can’t stop beat yourself up about that. fuck anyone who tells you otherwise. if you have gone through trauma, if you have unhealthy coping mechanisms, if you are depressed or anxious or otherwise mentally ill and some of it stems from this, I am so very very sorry. but you will be ok, even if you can’t write for a couple of years, or even if things change. you’ll get there. speaking as someone who is now writing for the first time in six years, drawing for the first time in longer, it’s scary and new and weird, but you will come out the other side.

and you do work hard. and you are creative. and you are loved. and you are so very, very kind.

*rant over*

#neurodivergence #neurodivergent #adhd #autism #giftedness #gifted kids #tag for this fucking awful school system?#neurodivergent kids #parenting #education #long post #meichenxi rants #mental health #trauma #depression #anxiety #mental illness #sorry for the scary tags I don't mean the post to be scary I'm just annoyed #and it got longer than I thought it would

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sammysdewysensitiveeyes · 4 years

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Things Duggan could do/could have done with Pyro in Marauders:

This list is partially me being bitter, but it’s also just kind of a creative exercise, thinking about the development potential that Pyro has.

1. Redemption arc - This seems obvious. Pyro is already hanging with the good guys, but is he actually undergoing a redemption arc? Is he actually changing his views or becoming a better person? We don’t really know because we barely see anything from his perspective, and it’s usually shallow comic relief when we do. The groundwork is there to give Pyro a redemption arc. He was already regretting his actions and questioning the Brotherhood’s methods when he had the Legacy Virus, leading up to him saving Senator Kelly. Why not follow up on that? Does he still feel the same way, or is he disillusioned because Kelly was killed right after he saved him? Are the Marauders (all of whom are better people than Pyro) rubbing off on him a bit? Maybe he’s starting to enjoy helping others or learning to trust humans? (Or not?) In today’s issue, Iceman was confronted by a Reaver that he had previously maimed, which was interesting, but that’s another storyline that I think would also fit Pyro. Pyro has surely been maiming some people - maybe being confronted with the results of that would help him reconsider his actions.

2. Legacy Virus stuff - Pyro hasn’t said a damn thing about the way he died, and I understand him not wanting to talk about it. But again, that sparked a semi-redemption arc for Pyro back before he died. And now he’s on a ship that is taking medicine to humans that need it, and just built a hospital in Madripoor. Maybe his experience being sick has given him a greater sense of empathy, and a desire to help sick people. If Masque can find meaning using his powers to help humans, you’d think there would be space for Pyro to say something serious about his Legacy experiences while they are dedicating a new hospital. Even just a throwaway line. Hell, Storm was dying of some kind of nano-virus for part of Marauders (although it was never mentioned in the book at all), maybe he could have sympathized with her over that? Maybe having Yellowjacket inside him - another case in which his body has been invaded by something microscopic that can kill him - triggered some Legacy feelings? We could have explored that, instead we got a “funny” scene of Magneto pulling Yellowjacket out of Pyro, and Pyro wanting to kill him.

3. Team bonding - Pyro has been accepted on the team surprisingly quickly. Faster than I would expect, really. And of course, he’s small-potatoes evil compared to even some people on the Council, but I’d still expect a little bit of friction between him and his team-mates, given that he used to try to kill them. Even without that history, he’s still the odd man out on a team that already knows each other, and are friends, or at least former team-mates. We had that kind of friction with Emma and Storm, why would we not get that friction between Pyro (the former terrorist criminal) and the others? I would have expected at least a little bit of distrust, followed eventually by some kind of bonding issue where Pyro is more accepted by the team, and in turn accepts his place with them. Who does he even consider a friend when he refers to them as “his friends”? He seems to like hanging out with Bishop and Iceman, but we’ve mostly gotten that through wordless background panels and a couple of “funny” scenes. Do any of them even like him or consider him a “friend,” or do they just tolerate his presence?

4. Writer - One of the things I find most interesting about Pyro is that he had a whole-ass career before joining the Brotherhood. He traveled around Southeast Asia, he was a journalist in Indonesia and Vietnam, he wrote romance novels. And most writers don’t explore that at all, but you’d think it would come up when the Marauder is traveling around the ocean. Maybe he speaks another language that would be helpful. Maybe his investigative skills as a journalist come in handy. Maybe he takes them to an old haunt or meets up with an old contact he knew in Vietnam. Maybe he spends his spare time writing smutty historical pirate-themed romance. I would have enjoyed that much more than the goofy “dream sequence” that Emma planted in his head, at least that would have felt like authentic character development rather than something being pushed upon him from the outside. Most comics writers don’t really get into Pyro’s civilian career, but as a regular on a book, I’d expect it to come up at least once, even as a thowaway line.

5. Brotherhood and past history - Pyro has had absolutely no contact (that we know of) with his old Brotherhood pals. He doesn’t even mention them. Why is that? Why isn’t he hanging around the bar with Blob when the Marauder’s at Krakoa? Why isn’t he texting Avalanche? Has he become estranged from them after saving Kelly (which would be an interesting plot point if Duggan developed it), or is he just hanging out with them off panel? You’d think there would be some mention of his past history at some point. Even in today’s issue, when he, Iceman and Bishop got attacked by Reavers. Pyro has a history with Reavers! He fought them on Muir Island as part of Freedom Force, and the team lost both Stonewall (which happened right in front of Pyro, and he seemed broken up about it) and Destiny (which completely destroyed Mystique). The Reavers in this issue were not the same ones, they were a new breed, but you’d think Pyro might have something to say about encountering Reavers again.

6. The gay thing - This is more my own personal preference, but Pyro WAS deliberately queer-coded in his earliest appearances, and John Byrne intended for him to be gay. They couldn’t openly write him that way back in the day, but nowadays I think no one would bat an eye if Pyro, a fairly minor villain, was somewhere on the LGBT scale. He wasn’t always queer-coded, but he had an ambiguous relationship with Avalanche, his sexuality was never firmly established (he was never in an open romantic relationship anyone), and he died a lingering, painful death from the virus that was intended to be an AIDS metaphor. It would be quite interesting to see Pyro as a closeted gay (or bisexual) man resurrected in a world where different sexual orientations are far more accepted, and slowly opening up about it to Bobby and Christian (or even Shinobi). Not to mention, it would give Bobby and Christian more to do, and Christian could talk about his own traumatic experiences without it being all swept under the rug.

7. Doubts about Krakoa - When the team first met Pyro, he was trying to steal a boat and run off, because he’d realized that his resurrection was mostly just a lab experiment to test the process. Now he seems to be all-in, and dedicated to the Marauders’ mission. What changed? Does he harbor any doubts about the Quiet Council, or is he a true believer now? Does he EVER talk to Mystique, to whom he used to be extremely loyal? Pyro can be written as dumb at times, but more frequently he comes across as one of the more intelligent and thoughtful Brotherhood members. Maybe he’s decided that everything on Krakoa is so new and confusing, he’s just gonna turn his brain off and enjoy his new life? That would also be fine, if it was actually treated as character development.

8. Divided loyalties - If I’d expect anyone to betray the team, it would be Pyro. And that doesn’t necessarily mean I want him to do that, but I’m surprised it hasn’t come up. You’d think Shinobi or Sebastian Shaw would approach him to act as a mole in exchange for lots and lots of money. Hell, I half-expected him to be spying for Mystique when he first showed up. And again, it could still happen, but there’s been no lead up or suggestion of that at all. I would honestly find it disappointing if Pyro suddenly turned on the team or was revealed to be a spy, because he hasn’t bonded with them well enough for it to be meaningful at all.

The thing is, any of these ideas could be explored, and still keep Pyro as the comic-relief party animal that Duggan is currently writing. He wouldn’t even have to have significantly more focus (although some focus would be nice). This could be accomplished through small scenes, little asides, throwaway lines. Duggan wastes so much page time setting up “moments” and atmosphere (Kitty and Emma riding horses up to Sebastian’s castle comes to mind). He spent a whole issue beating up Sebastian Shaw without any other significant plot advancement (then crams all his plot into the issues that feature other characters). He spent a few pages on a goofy fantasy dream sequence that told us nothing new about Pyro, and again, turned out to a falsely manufactured dream that Emma planted in his mind. We could have used those pages to show Pyro writing something, or show a different side of him through Yellowjacket’s spying, and it STILL could have been comic-relief. If Duggan actually wanted to explore Pyro in a more serious way, there’s both the space and potential for it. He just.....doesn’t.

Anyway, this is all wishful thinking of what could be. I’ll just have to write fanfic or something.

#pyro #st. john allerdyce #like I just want to rewrite this whole series #give sebastian more dignity and weight as a villain #properly develop bobby and christian's relationship #give bishop his due as a captain of krakoa #and give pyro some proper development

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dramapic · 4 years

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MASTERLIST

I update this list everytime I watch and review a show.

Disclaimer: These reviews are subjective and only reflect my opinions. There are no drama on that list that I’ve turned off and all are worthy of a watch.

Recs welcome!

#1 Crash landing on you

(사랑의 불시착)

Grade: A++

Genre: Modern, Star-Crossed lovers

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Son Ye-jin (who plays Yoon Se-ri) and Hyun Bin (Ri Jeong-hyeok) have amazing chemistry and every episode plays out like the chapters of an excellent fanfiction. Classic romantic tropes, humour, angst, action, CLOY has it all. Moreover, if you’ve never watched a Kdrama in your life, CLOY is a great starting point—not only will it introduce you to Korean culture but also to popular tropes and codes of the genre.

#2 Rookie historian Goo Hae-ryung

(신입사관 구해령)

Grade: A++

Genre: Historical, Age gap

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Delightful from end to end, with lots of humour and an engaging story. The romance between Goo Hae-ryung and himbo-prince Dowon will make your heart go soft, especially if you’re into reverse gender dynamics (she’s older and kisses him first *le gasp*)

#3 Memories of the Alhambra

(알함브라 궁전의 추억)

Grade: B+

Genre: Modern; Sci-fi; Fantasy

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: No

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Intriguing premise, great cast and tons of special effects but the romance between Jin-woo (Hyun Bin) and Hee-joo (Park Shin-hye) won't go down in history. On top of that, the ending is a bit wishy-washy in that annoying “maybe there’s more to come” kind of way. Give us a clear cut ending, damnit!

#4 Good doctor

(굿 닥터)

Grade: B-

Genre: Modern, Medical drama

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Good heart but the writing is really clumsy at times and the hospital politics don’t make an awful lot of sense. On the bright side, Joo Won is great in the role of Park Si-on.

Note: I haven’t watched the American remake so can’t compare.

#5 My love from the star/ You from the stars

(별에서 온 그대)

Grade: A

Genre: Modern, Sci-fi, fantasy, Star-Crossed lovers

Episodes: 21

Happy Ending: Yes-ish

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Jun Ji-hyun is absolutely stellar in the role of Cheon Seong-yi, a ditzy Hallyu* star whose career is going south while Kim Soo-hyun plays the emotionally closed-off alien to perfection. Lots of pinning, a dose of angst mixed with a pinch of wacky humor.

*Hallyu means “Korean wave” in Chinese and refers to the popularity and spreading of Korean pop-culture outside of Korea.

#6 Hwarang The Poet Warrior Youth

(화랑)

Grade: B

Genre: Historical, Coming of age, fake siblings who catch feels

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Cute boys and interesting lore rooted in true facts (the bone rank system and the real Hwarang, the “Flowering Knights” of the Silla kingdom) but the story drags. I guess I expected more bromance and frolicking and less angst. Lastly, the main girl starts off quirky and fun but they quickly transform her into a sobbing mess which becomes real annoying real fast.

#7 Love in the Moonlight / Moonlight Drawn by Clouds (구르미 그린 달빛)

Grade: A

Genre: Historical, Romance, Coming of age, Posing as the opposite sex

Episodes: 18

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

A classic tale of a girl raised as a boy who ends up in a situation where she needs to do her best to not blow her cover while catching feels (As someone raised on Versailles no bara and Ribbon no Kishi, it remains one of my favourite tropes)

Sweet romance and good characters. The fact that Crown prince Lee Yeong doesn't turn emo when he starts developing feelings for Eunuch Ra-on before discovering she's a girl is the cherry on top of the cake.

#8 Something in the rain

(밥 잘 사주는 예쁜 누나)

Grade: C

Genre: Modern

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes, but it still doesn't make you happy

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Wasted potential!

Great start but the characterization falls apart quickly and you end up wondering why the main characters keep sabotaging their lives. By the end, despite their reunion, you're left with the impression they've learned nothing and that their relationship is doomed to fall apart.

On top of it all, watching Jin-ah fight sexism in the workplace and gaining nothing is depressing af (I don’t need realism in my escapism, thank you very much).

Too bad because Son Ye-jin and Jung Hae-in look really good together and the acting is top-notch. My advice is to watch the first 8 episodes then make up your own ending in your head.

#9 Moon embracing the sun

(해를 품은 달)

Grade: B+

Genre: Historical,Star-Crossed lovers

Episodes: 22

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

A traditional historical drama with all the tropes that go with the genre + a hint of esoterism.

If you love ill-fated relationships, tragic love triangle, evil queens, and amnesia, this is the show for you. Beware, the interrogation/torture scenes are rather brutal.

#10 My sassy girl

(엽기적인 그녀)

Grade: B-

Genre: Historical, Rom-Com

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Cute and lighthearted but easily forgettable. Still worth a watch thanks to Joo Won & Oh Yeon-seo's chemistry.

#11 Coffee Prince

(커피프린스 1호점)

Grade: A

Genre: Modern, Posing as the opposite sex

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Solid story, great cast but be ready for a lot of bickering.

Yoon Eun-hye is a precious bean who manages to sell the story of Eun-chan, a struggling androgynous working-class girl who mistakenly gets hired by a rich guy to play his boyfriend, then becomes his employee, then falls for him while not correcting his assumptions about her gender. Opposite her, Gong Yoo (from Train to Busan fame) is 🥰🥰🥰

Sidenote: Despite Han-kyul's struggle to accept his feelings for Eun-chan, homosexuality isn't treated as a joke or a shameful thing. The one time he goes seek “medical help”, the doctor is depicted as an old, clueless idiot. And honestly, the story would work too if Eun-chan was a guy.

#12 My girlfriend is a Gumiho/My girlfriend is a Nine-tailed fox

(내 여자친구는 구미호)

Grade: B+

Genre: Modern; Fantasy

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Viki - Available on Netflix (FR) too

Campy and goofy. It does look a bit dated (it’s from 2010) and the story is a little predictable but Lee Seung-gi as Cha Dae-woong, an aspiring action film actor and Shin Min-ah as “Gu Mi-ho” the nine-tailed fox looking for a mate are super cute. The show is also a good introduction to Korean folklore.

#13 Goblin / Guardian: The Lonely and Great God / The Lonely and Great God – Goblin

(쓸쓸하고 찬란하神 – 도깨비)

Grade: A+

Genre: Modern, Historical, Fantasy, bromance

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes-ish

Watched on: Viki

Unpopular opinion but since I’m not into older guys, I wasn’t invested in the romance between Bride and Goblin until late in the series. I loved everything else though. The show has such a unique tone and atmosphere. It goes from super serious to goofy in no time. The cinematography is gorgeous (especially the historical sets) and you'll cry your eyes out.

#14 Healer

(힐러)

Grade: A

Genre: Modern

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: Yes

If you're into toll broody guys and fearless smoll girls, you’ll love Healer. The story is great, the characters are great and the way Jung-hu (played by Ji Chang-wook) and Ji-an (Park Min-young) are horny for each other is peak drama! *chef kiss*

#15 Kangchi the beginning/Gu family book

(구가의 서)

Grade: B-

Genre: Historical, Fantasy

Episodes:

Happy Ending: No

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Engaging coming of age story of a half-human half-gumiho looking for his place in this world. If it wasn't for the wishy-washy ending it could have been the perfect mix of action fantasy and romance.

Special mention for Dam Yeo-wool (played by Suzie Bae) who is a female character who's allowed to be a bit of everything at the same time (strong, kick-ass, funny, cute, romantic)

#16 Queen for seven days

(7일의 왕비)

Grade: A

Genre: Historical, Romance, Villainous crush

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: No

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

With that title don’t expect a HEA but there are plenty of sweet moments along the way to make you appreciate the journey.

Chae-kyung loves the Prince and the Prince loves Chae-kyung but the King wants to kill the Prince and Chae-kyung is loyal to the King but the King is a tyrant and everyone wants the Prince to take his throne. On top of that the King wants Chae-kyung. Big mess. Lots of feels.

The story is (very) loosely based on real-life Queen Dangyeong, which makes it even more poignant. I cried my eyes out at the end because I’m a big softy.

#17 Korean Odyssey

(화유기)

Grade: A-

Genre: Modern, Fantasy

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: Kinda

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

The show (very loosely based on Journey to the West) has its faults including the wishy-washy ending and the fact that Jin Seon-mi/Sam-jang starts off as a doormat but I ended up liking the relationship developing between the assholish Monkey god and the naive human girl more than I expected.

The side characters are compelling, and the banter and bickering between the deities work really well. If you grew up with Dragon ball, you’ll have a blast trying to match-up the Japanese and Korean names of everyone without looking up Wikipedia.

Lastly, not something I imagined saying after seeing him in Gumiho and Gu family book but Lee Seung-gi as Son Oh-gong = BDE *fans herself* 🥵

#18 Strong Girl Bong-soon

(힘쎈여자 도봉순)

Grade: A-

Genre: Modern, Super-Heroine

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Trigger warning: Graphic depiction of violence against women

A++ super-heroine story, bad side characters

First, every girl should aspire to find a Min-hyuk in their life. Someone who'll love them because of their strength, and support them unconditionally. Someone who won't ask them to change or pretend to be somebody else.

Second, western media should learn that a super-heroine can HAVE IT ALL—the superpowers AND the love AND the family.

My only complaint with the show (and that's why I gave A- instead of A++) is the inclusion of many cringy side characters/situations that spoiled my overall enjoyment (see the caricatural flamboyant gay co-worker, Bong-soon’s mom hitting her dad, the mobsters...)

#19 The K2

(더 케이투)

Grade: B-

Genre: Modern, Political

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

The romance is bad and the political story far-fetched but Ji Chang-wook is 🔥🔥PEAK HOTTIE🔥🔥

That being said, I didn’t completely dislike the political intrigue and it was interesting to see the good guy working for the villains (sort of).

#20 Weightlifting fairy Kim Bok-joo

(역도요정 김복주)

Grade: A+

Genre: Modern, Coming of age

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Uplifting coming of age story and super sweet romance. Bok-joo (Lee Sung-kyung) & Joon-hyung (Nam Joo-hyuk) are precious children on top of being cutie-patooties. Bok-joo’s insecurities hit hard, especially if you’ve ever been outside the norm of beauty standards.

I liked how the show normalizes therapy and taking care of your mental health.

In one word…

SWAG!

#21 The scholar who walks the night

(밤을 걷는 선비)

Grade: B

Genre: Historical, Fantasy, Vampire, posing as the opposite sex

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Guilty pleasure.

Don’t ask me about the details of the main storyline, I’ve already forgotten most of it. Sometimes all you need is a show where a hundred-something years old good vampire with a sad backstory and the main girl who is thirsty for the good vampire are fighting a sexy evil vampire.

PS: Did I mention the sexy evil vampire?

#22 Romance is a bonus book

(로맨스는 별책부록)

Grade: A+

Genre: Modern, Friends to lovers

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Imagine reading a relaxing book under a cozy blanket while sipping hot cocoa. That’s how that series made me feel.

Everything is sweet and soft from the characters' fluffy jumpers to the soft palette of color used for the sets. People make books and love books. There’s a mystery but no unnecessary angst. If you need a break from everything, jump in that ship.

#23 Hotel Del Luna

(호텔 델루나)

Grade: A-

Genre: Modern

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Sorta

Watched on: Viki - Available on Netflix (FR) too

Interesting world-building and a good cast of side characters but the romance lacks a bit of oomph.

On the + side, the hotel sets are gorgeous and Man-wol's wardrobe is to kill for.

#24 Suspicious Partner

(수상한 파트너)

Grade: A-

Genre: Modern, Star-crossed lovers in an office

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Toll serious who hates criminal falls for smoll weirdo falsely accused of murder. A must watch for anyone in search of a quirky romance.

#25 Touch your heart

(진심이 닿다)

Grade: A

Genre: Modern

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Viki

Tooth rotting sweetness. The series is just a pretext to watch two good looking people (Lee Dong-wook and Yoo In-na) being nice and awkward around each other. What do you need more? 0

Note: If you watched Goblin you can also pretend it's a spin-off series about the reincarnations of Grim Reaper and Sunny. 💡

#26 Because this is my first life

(이번 생은 처음이라)

Grade: A

Genre: Modern, Fake marriage

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

The Fake Marriage AU you’re looking for, mixed with slices of modern, messy, complicated life.

The main storyline revolves around Ji-ho an assistant drama screenwriter who struggles to find her place within the patriarchal structure of Korean society, and Se-hee, a socially incompetent computer designer who only cares for his cat and his mortgage. The way they end up in a fake marriage as well as the development of their relationship feels organic and doesn’t rely too heavily on comedy like it’s often the case with that trope.

The show also follows the stories of Ji-ho’s friends, Su-ji and Ho-rang who have different aspirations in life—Su-ji’s goal is to become CEO while Ho-rang only cares about becoming a housewife. I loved that the show makes a point to not pit women against each other and advocate living your life the way YOU want rather than trying to follow societal expectations of what love, work and marriage should look like.

Also they have the cutest cat.

#27 What's wrong with Secretary Kim?

(김비서가 왜 그럴까 )

Grade: A-

Genre: Modern

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Viki

I wish Secretary Kim had more agency in certain situations but the romance develops well and the horny moments are caliente 🥵🔥

#28 Where your eyes linger

(너의 시선이 머무는 곳에)

Grade: A++

Genre: Modern, BL, Coming of age, Friends to lovers

Episodes: 8

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Viki

Bite-size BL gem to devour in one sitting.

Stellar acting from the two leads and the balance between fluff and angst is just right. There's no graphic violence that sometimes plagues yaoi and BL and the story is believable. I got emo remembering my first love.

#29 Live up to your name

(명불허전)

Grade: A-

Genre: Modern, Historical, Time travel, Star-crossed lovers

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Trigger warning for graphic depiction of violence

Big surprise. I was looking for a cheesy comedy but it was actually a thoughtful story about humanism. I even teared up a little.

Trigger warning for needles. They do some pretty impressive procedures with those acupuncture needles.

#30 W - Two Worlds Apart

(더블유)

Grade: A

Genre: Modern

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Imaginary men > Real men, especially when they're played by Lee Jong-suk. Nuf’ said.

Imaginary men > Real men, especially when they're played by Lee Jong-suk.

The silly premise hides a solid story that keeps you on your toes and I was suprised by the rollercoaster of emotions I went through.

“Option 3″

“That’s 4 fingers”

#31 Life

(라이프)

Grade: C

Genre: Modern

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Kinda

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Unless you want to learn how fucked up the private health sector is becoming in Korea, there's not much to gain watching this show.

The story starts off well though. The problem is that by the middle of the series the writers have dropped the main mystery (the circumstances surrounding the death of the director) to deliver an exposé on the political machinations of big corporations, and then shoehorn an explanation at the last minute (“it was all but a misunderstanding”). Very underwhelming.

The relationship between the two brothers played by Lee Dong-wook and Lee Kyu-hyung is the only bright spot.

#32 Pinocchio

(피노키오)

Grade: A-

Genre: Modern, Fake family members who catch feels

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

On paper, the story sounds a little crazy but it all comes together nicely.

Lee Jong-suk and Park Shin-hye have great chemistry and deliver a stellar performance as “uncle” and “niece” (not related by blood) who can’t fight the romantic feelings they harbor for one another. The main storyline has enough twists to keep you entertained and surprised.

My only complaint is that it drags a little. 16 episodes would have been enough.

#33 My Holo Love

(나 홀로 그대)

Grade: A

Genre: Modern, Sci-fi

Episodes: 12

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Fake men > Real men

Imagine a Black Mirror episode about a love triangle between a woman suffering from face blindness, an emotionally supportive AI boyfriend and the disenchanted creator of said AI, minus the nihilism. *chef kiss*

#34 Legend of the blue sea

(푸른 바다의 전설)

Grade: B++

Genre: Modern, Fantasy, Fairy tale, Star-crossed lovers

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Viki

Park Ji-eu (the writer) read the little mermaid and decided to give her a happy ending. Great chemistry between Lee Min-ho and Jun Ji-hyun but the spark is missing for me.

The antics of modern-day mermaid Shim Cheong are a little predictable and Joon-jae needs to be less of a control freak at times but the story remains enjoyable. I was pleasantly surprised to see Shim Cheong’s character grow, making the power imbalance between the clueless mermaid and the con-artist less pronounced by the end of the series.

The side characters are interesting but underused, and I wish Tae-oh was more developed. On the other hand, the Joseon area sets and costumes are absolutely gorgeous (Don’t tell anyone but Joseon!Lee Min-ho is hotter than Modern!Lee Min-ho 🥵)

#35 Tale of Arang / Arang and the Magistrate

(아랑사또전)

Grade: B

Genre: Historical, Fantasy,

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

One word: Campy.

Interesting lore but the pacing is a little off—there’s a lot of back and forth between the characters and the locations and the love triangle doesn't add much.

#36 My ID is Gangnam Beauty / Gangnam Beauty

(내 아이디는 강남미인)

Grade: A+

Genre: Modern, Coming of age

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

If you’ve ever been bullied for your looks, you’re gonna bawl your eyes out.

The show does a great job of calling out the unhealthy beauty standards imposed on Korean women but the topic is universal enough for the story to resonate with everyone. I love that you never see Mi-rae’s old face because it’s not our perception of her lack of beauty that matters but the fact she suffers greatly. Don’t you hate in western shows when they take a beautiful actress, give her a pair of glasses or a fat suit and call her ugly, making sure the audience feels shittier about themselves? Here, the writers concentrate on Mi-rae’s transformation and her coping with the consequences of her decision to do plastic surgery.

It’s also not a revenge fantasy where the ugly duckling suddenly becomes the most popular girl at school. Being a “Gangnam beauty” leads to a new form of suffering.

Romance-wise, it’s the slowest burn of slow burns because Mi-rae and Do Kyung-seok are the most socially awkward beans on the planet. I love them, Your Honor.

#37 Tale of Nokdu

(조선로코-녹��전)

Grade: A

Genre: Historical, Posing as the opposite sex

Episodes: 32 x 30mns

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Viki - Now available on Netflix (FR)

Fun and lighthearted all the way through.

The story of a guy who puts on a dress to investigate a village of widows could have gone very wrong but it was well handled. It’s refreshing to see the classic trope of posing as the opposite sex reversed and Jang Dong-yoon is never cringy when he’s pretending to be Lady Kim Nok-soon.

#38 Bride of Habaek / Bride of the Water God

(하백의 신부 2017)

Grade: B

Genre: Modern, Fantasy

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Content warning: Crime against fashion

Promising premise and lore (I'm interested in reading the original comics now) but the writing fails to deliver an epic romance and a cathartic ending. Moreover, the sets lack imagination (or money?) and in the end I failed to ever feel immersed in a fantasy world.

The unfortunate consequence of the clumsy writing is that the male characters who are meant to be arrogant/confident Gods (Habaek and By-ryeom) sound like they're negging their love interests more than wooing them, and the relationship between Mu-ra and By-ryeom particularly irked me.

#39 Strangers from Hell / Hell is other people

(타인은 지옥이다)

Grade: A+

Genre: Modern, Psychological Thriller

Episodes: 10

Happy Ending: Spoiler

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Content warning: Violence

What a departure from everything else in that list! Absolutely worth a watch if you enjoy thrillers and shows like Hannibal. If psychological horror isn’t your cup of tea though, you might give it a pass.

The storyline and the characters are a little cliché (it goes with the genre) but the cinematography and photography are fantastic. You can notice how the pension becomes more and more sinister throughout the series via the use of dark greens and browns and pale yellows, as opposed to the mundanity and coldness of the city (greys, and cold blues).

Last but not least, the acting is top-tiers. Im Siwan does a great job at portraying Jong-woo, an aspiring crime novelist who slowly loses his marbles but the true revelation for me is Lee Dong-wook. After seeing him so many times in roles where he plays awkward yet charming men who can barely express emotions, I was intrigued to see him take on the role of a serial killer, and holy cow, he's the perfect mix of sinister and alluring. Towards the end of the series, his character Moon-jo acts like a black-hole whenever he appears in a scene—a towering, dark presence who sucks the light out of the room (If he carries any of that darkness in the upcoming Tale of Gumiho, it’s gonna be *chef kiss*).

#40 Empress Ki

(기황후)

Grade: A

Genre: Historical, posing as the opposite sex

Episodes: 51

Happy Ending: From a certain point of view

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Trigger warning for violence against women (not graphic but implied)

51 episodes.

Fifty.One.Episodes.

That's a lot of episodes considering the story starts with the ending.

Did I enjoy this show? Yes, very much so. Do I think it's for everyone? Nope.

You'll enjoy Empress Ki if you're into old-school historical sagas or you wished Game of thrones had no gratuitous nudity and violence. If you’re looking for an historically accurate biography of the real empress Ki though, then look away because Empress Ki is basically a lengthy fanfiction trying to justify how the Goryeo native Seung-nyang married the wimpy Emperor of the Yuan dynasty whilst trying to portray her as loyal to her motherland and to her first love, the Crown Prince of Goryeo.

Personally, I didn’t care for the love triangle formed by Seung-nyang (Ha Ji-won), Wang-yoo (Joo Jin-mo) and Toghon Temür (Ji Chang-wook) but I liked the politics and the backstabbing. Also, contrary to GoT, the bad guys get their comeuppance at the end so it makes watching the side characters die less painful.

#41 Meow, the secret boy / Welcome

(어서와)

Grade: B-

Genre: Modern, Modern fantasy

Episodes: 24 x 35mns

Happy Ending: I guess

Watched on: Viki

How do I put it? It's not *terribad* but it's not *good* either.

I was super on board with the concept—if Lee Seung-gi can bang a nine-tailed fox in My girlfriend is a gumiho, I have zero issues with Sol ah, our heroine, falling in love with Hong-jo the cat-person after being dumped for no reason by Jae-sun her boyfriend—but it didn’t exactly develop that way, and as soon as they explained why Jae-sun had broken up with Sol-ah, the writers lost me because I like when things happen for a reason.

#42 Clean with a passion for now

(일단 뜨겁게 청소하라!!)

Grade: A-

Genre: Modern, Rom-Com

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Super zany and tropey but that’s why it works so well. The only reason I’m giving it a minus is because it’s trying to be woke but in the end there’s still a lot of unsolicited grabbing and some iffy remarks/pick-up lines said by every male characters (IRL that’s the kind of story that ends up with a restraining order and a lawsuit for sexual harassment).

#43 Mystic pop-up bar

(쌍갑포차)

Grade: A

Genre: Modern, Fantasy

Episodes: 12

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Trigger warning: Heavy themes (miscarriage, pregnancy, loss of a child, death of loved ones)

You know how the meme goes... Sometimes a family is a hot-tempered bar owner, a cursed kid and an ex-Afterlife-Police officer with a secret past.

It took me a few episodes to get into it, but once the characters were established it became really enjoyable.

The tone of the series leans toward wacky but the core of the story is actually pretty dark if you look into it. Every grudge they solve for their “clients” gives a clue about Wol-joo’s personal story and by the last episode I was crying my eyes out.

Last but not least, Wol-joo’s collection of modernized hanboks is *chef kiss*

#44 My secret Terrius

(내 뒤에 테리우스)

Grade: A

Genre: Modern, Action, Comedy, Bromance

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

An enjoyable action drama to watch with your family or your significant other.

Koreans prove that you can write a story about a black ops agent on the run who becomes a childminder without reeking of toxic masculinity. Contrary to American comedies where the manly-man-hero working undercover is incompetent and believes that working with children is a woman’s job and a waste of his manly-man talents until he has an epiphany of some sorts, Kim Bon (played by So Ji-sub) never once expresses discomfort to the idea of looking after two kids. In spite of his sober demeanor, he’s a caring and attentive person from the start and watching him gradually becoming a part of this spunky family while investigating a national security threat made my heart go awww.

Opposite him, fearless and resourceful mom Go Ae-rin (played Jung In-sun) brings a lot of energy, and the twins are absolutely adorable.

#45 Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo

(달의 연인 - 보보경심 려)

Grade: A--

Genre: Historical

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: No

Watched on: Random streaming site

Don’t get attached—Moon Lovers is the missing link between Empress Ki and Boys over flowers, but with a sad ending.

I did binge watch the series but there are some frustrating aspects to it that prevented me from giving a perfect score, notably the fact that Wang So remains possessive and demanding with Hae Soo throughout the years—for instance “You’re my person” is a romantic statement until it evolves into “You can never leave me.”

The other problem of the series is that Lee Ji-eun (UI) does cute and goofy really well, but she doesn’t have the emotional range needed to portray a character who goes through many heartbreaks and betrayals. As a result, Hae Soo appears a little fickle in her infatuations with the princes.

That being said if you’re a sucker for tragic romance and you believe that power corrupts even the purest of love, you’ll have a blast.

#46 Forest

(포레스트)

Grade: B++

Genre: Modern, Romance

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Viki

UST in the woods (Dat first kiss 🥵🥵🥵)

The characters and the story are a little cliché but who doesn’t love a story where the protagonists are clearly attracted to each other but can’t act on their desires because their moral values are opposite?

*slams fist*

San Hyeok is your typical heartless businessman who refuses to confront his childhood trauma, and Yeong Jae is a surgeon who suffers from panic attacks and cares too much about other people. They’re both good looking and fate brings them to a remote village in the middle of the forest where they have to share a house. Really, I wonder what’s gonna happen?

#47 100 Days My Prince / Hundred days husband

(백일의 낭군님)

Grade: B+

Genre: Historical

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Viki

Trigger warning: Important character death.

Cute and charming but also very annoying at times. Obviously, the story is tropey af (fake marriage doubled with amnesia, you can’t really beat that) but it also includes elements I’ve never seen in any other dramas like the fact that the Crown Princess is pregnant with another man’s child (le gasp!). The things that annoy me the most were the unnecessary flip-flopping of the heroine towards the end of the show for the sake of creating artificial drama (just let them be together FFS!) and the fact that the male characters take a lot of decisions for Yeon Hong-shim.

Romance wise, Do Kyung-soo and Nam Ji-hyun are really cute together but in the end I found myself more interested in the political intrigue and the side characters than the main romance because slow burn has its limit. In essence, it’s the perfect drama to watch with your conservative family because whilst the main couple is living under the same roof and is technically married they don’t get frisky.

#48 I Am Not A Robot (로봇이 아니야)

Grade: A++

Genre: Modern

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Angsty with a good pay-off.

With a premise like that, things could have gone wrong really quickly but the writers managed to write a story that isn’t a man wanting to fuck a robot because real women are scary so big kudos for them. Seeing Min-kyu celebrating his Roomba’s birthday because he has no other friends will instantly melt your heart and from that point on you’ll cheer for his recovery. The show has the right amount of angst without becoming a mess and they handle the big reveal very well, making sure to show how hurt both Min-kyu and Ji-ah are by the situation, without making you doubt that they can find each other again. The other strong point of the show is that it’s not just about romance, it’s also about friendship and learning to let other people in your life.

The acting is incredible to the point that by the end I wondered if Yoo Seung-ho and Chae Soo-bin were making out in front of my salad or if I was still watching the characters Min-kyu and Ji-ah being lovey dovey.

#49 Sungkyunkwan Scandal (성균관 스캔들)

Grade: A

Genre: Historical, Posing as the opposite gender

Episodes: 20

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Viki

Hana zakari no kimi tachi he with gats.

This show checks so many boxes when it comes to my favourite tropes story-wise and character-wise that I instantly fell in love with it. It might feel a little dated for a younger audience and it definitely suffers from the second male lead syndrome (who wants unseasoned boiled chicken when there are not just one but two juicy rotisserie chickens on the table next to you?!) but it’s still very much enjoyable. Also, they don’t shy away from using the word “homosexuality” and having one of the second lead confessing to having romantic feelings for his friend (I’ll take any scrap of bi-representation, okay?)

#50 It’s Okay to not be okay (사이코지만 괜찮아)

Grade: A

Genre: Modern

Episodes: 16

Happy Ending: Yes

Watched on: Netflix (FR)

Found family.

In spite of one ridiculous plot twist (that I was aware of when I started the show) this show has made me feel all the feelz. The three main actors all did a phenomenal job portraying their characters in all their complexity and fragility and I ended up crying so many cathartic tears in the second to last & the last episodes.The relationship between Sang-tae and Gang-tae is one of the best sibling relationships I’ve seen on-screen in a long time while the romance between Moon-yeong and Gang-tae blends perfectly elements of comedy and melodrama. Mental illness isn’t treated as something to be ashamed of, whilst showing that you can grow and recover from trauma and finding your own happiness.

PSA from my boyfriend, who dropped the show before the end:

The plot twist is so stupid that it takes away from the rest of the series. In my opinion it negated the positive portrayal of mental illness built up until then. They completely lost me.

^ We discussed a lot about it which is why I wanted to share his POV to balance my own review.

#51 coming soon

#k-drama #kdrama

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damianwaynerocks · 4 years

Text

Ghosts in Gotham

Danny Phantom / DC Comics fanfic

Dedicated to: @dannyphantom-justiceleauge

Summary: The Batfamily has been through their fair share of the supernatural. That’s why they originally weren’t worried whenever ghosts started showing up in Gotham City. Until one day, something happens; Batman is captured and taken into the Ghost Zone. With no way to go in there themselves, the no way to fight the ghosts inside, the bats decide to call the person who can; Danny Phantom. Together, Danny takes Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown and Damian Wayne into the Ghost Zone before the Batman is lost forever.

Words: 2032

ch 2 Masterlist

Chapter 1:

Every city had its hero.

Gotham City? Batman. Metropolis? Superman. Central City? The Flash.

Amity Park? Danny Phantom.

Amity Park had mixed feelings about Phantom. Some said he was a helper, a true hero, keeping the town safe. Others said he was a criminal, doing nothing but wreaking havoc on the town. Either way, Phantom was known for one specific thing; fighting ghosts.

Which is what he was doing at the moment.

"I am!! The Box Ghost!!" a short, stocky ghost shouted. His eyes glowed blue and an aura of the same color surrounded the boxes crowding the back of a movie theater. "Beware!" he raised his arms and hurled three boxes at a figure who easily dodged.

"Come on, Box Ghost," a teenage boy with white hair and green eyes floating above the ground groaned. "I don't have time for this! I have to order the new Cheese Viking game before it sells out!"

"Beware!" The Box Ghost shouted again, throwing more boxes at the boy.

Danny Phantom rolled his eyes as his body became intangible, the boxes easily passing through it. He raised his arm, and a blast of bright green energy shot from his palm, hitting the Box Ghost square in the chest. The Box Ghost, with a grunt, was blown back into the brick wall of the movie theater.

Not wasting any time, Danny grabbed the thermos that he had strapped to his back and pointed it at the other ghost. In a flash of light, the Box Ghost was sucked into the thermos.

"Finally," Danny muttered as he took off into the sky.

Danny Phantom, his real name being Danny Fenton, was a sixteen-year-old halfa, or a ghost-human hybrid. He could switch between ghost and human form at will. He'd gotten his powers from an accident with the Ghost Portal, a portal in his home that was a bridge between the human world and the Ghost Zone, where every ghost resides.

Ghosts repeatedly escaped the Ghost Zone through this portal for one of three reasons; to wreak havoc on the human world, to kill Danny or both. Usually, it was the latter.

Danny returned to his house, passing through the walls of the building with intangibility and landing in the lab. He switched back to his human form in a flash of light, changing his hair color from white to black and his eyes from green to blue.

His family was made up of ghost hunters- aside from his sister -so they had an entire lab dedicated to ghost technology.

"Back you go, Boxy," Danny said as he released the Box Ghost into the portal. "Finally," he sighed, "Time to get Cheese Viking."

"No!" he shouted five minutes later at his computer. The new Cheese Viking, Danny's favorite game, had sold out.

"Danny!" a large man in an orange jumpsuit burst into the boy's room. "Are you okay!? Are you hurt!?"

"No, Dad, I'm fine," Danny replied to his father, Jack Fenton. "Except for that stupid Box Ghost making me too late to get Cheese Viking!"

He hadn't told his parents about his life as Phantom until he was fifteen. Well, it wasn't Danny who told them. His sister found him in his room passed out with a gaping hole in his side, and she had to tell their parents so they could help him.

Jack paused. "But.. you got him?" he asked cheerily. Danny smiled.

"Yeah. I got him." Jack slapped him on the back.

"Thatta boy!" he said with a grin. "Come on, Jazz got a letter from Wayne Enterprises and your mom wants the whole family to watch her open it!"

Jazz, Danny's sister, had just graduated high school and had applied for an internship at Wayne Enterprises, one of the largest businesses in the world. An internship there would kick-start her career in marketing. That was the reason she claimed, but Danny was sure that part of the reason was that Bruce Wayne, the billionaire who owned Wayne Enterprises, was cute.

"Finally!" Jazz, a girl with long red hair and a blue headband huffed. "I haven't been able to look for three hours! What were you out doing?"

"Uh, my job?" Danny smirked as he hopped over the back of the couch to sit on it. Jazz rolled her eyes.

"Open it, dear!" Their mom, Maddie Fenton, urged. Jazz grinned widely, opening the letter. Her smile grew, and she jumped up and down.

"I got it!" she squealed. "I got it!! I got the internship!!"

"That's great, Jazz!" the other three Fentons exclaimed at once. Jazz seemed to get even more excited as she continued reading the letter.

"And," she continued excitedly, "All the interns are expected to attend the next Wayne Gala with their families! All expenses paid!"

"Yes!" Jack cried. "We're going to New Jersey, baby!" As the entire family celebrated, Danny couldn't help but be suspicious. Jazz had applied late and while she was smart, she wouldn't have been anything special next to the other applicants.

Something was up. _

"So what, you think she only got accepted because of you?" A girl with short black hair raised an eyebrow as they walked through the halls of their high school. "Why, exactly?"

"Because, Sam," Danny responded to his girlfriend. "It's weird. I was looking at the Infi-map, and there's a portal to the Ghost Zone in Gotham that wasn't there a month ago. And get this? It's five miles away from Wayne Manor.”

"You think Bruce Wayne wants you out of the way for some plan?

"It wouldn't be the first time somebody did."

"But how would he even know who you are?" Sam Manson asked, "I mean, there's no way he knows that you're Phantom."

"Um, because he's Batman?" An African American boy walking beside them scoffed as though it was obvious. "Batman knows everything."

Danny and Sam laughed. "Tucker, seriously?" Danny shook his head in disbelief. "That conspiracy? Batman and Bruce Wayne have been seen at the same time in the same place multiple times.”

"Okay, well, you can clone yourself! Who's to say Batman can't? Or maybe it's a hologram! Or maybe it's one of his thousand children in the suit!" Tucker Foley counted on his fingers as he rattled off the various theories. His eyes widened, and he grabbed Danny's shoulders. "Dude, you have to get proof."

"There's no way I'd be able to get close enough to Bruce Wayne to prove anything."

"Then trick him!" Tucker said, his eyes bright. "Most of Bruce's adopted kids are boys with black hair and blue eyes! Just say you're an orphan and I bet he'll be like 'Of course you can stay, I am always down for more children."

"Okay, first of all," Danny began, adjusting his backpack on his shoulder and prying his friends arms off of him. “His son Damian? That kid scares me, he gives off Dash vibes. Did you see how he made that interviewer cry?"

A few months prior, a video had surfaced that showed Damian Wayne insulting a girl who was trying to give him an interview. The two-minute video ended with the girl crying.

"And second of all-" Danny was cut off as he was shoved to the ground. He looked up to see Dash Baxter, a muscular boy with blonde hair.

"Watch where you're going, Fen-freak," Dash sneered, "Before I shove your puny face into a locker!"

Danny gritted his teeth as he sat up. Dash had been picking on him from the beginning of high school. Two years later, he hadn't stopped.

On any other occasion, Danny would have said something in response, but Dash had already continued down the hall.

"Why can't you just zap him or something?" Tucker grumbled. "He's the worst!"

"Yeah, I know," Danny stood up, wiping dust off of his shirt. "But I can't. It isn't right."

"Your moral code is dumb," his friend snapped back.

"If you're going to Gotham," said Sam with a pointed look at Tucker. "Who's gonna be here to help with the ghosts?"

"I've got it covered," Danny replied swiftly, looking up. "Dani's coming down. It'll be fine. I have to keep Jazz safe, and figure out what Brucie Wayne is up to."

"I am sure Father would have a better plan than to invite some under-qualified intern to the Manor."

A seventeen-year-old boy with spiky black hair rolled his eyes. "Damian, she isn't under-qualified. She meets all of the qualifications for the internship."

The first boy, an Arab thirteen-year-old with the same spiky hair and bright green eyes, scoffed. "There is no way a person from some backwater town would have received the internship if we hadn't needed her brother."

Tim Drake and Damian Wayne, the youngest children of Bruce Wayne. Damian currently held the Robin mantle, while Tim used Red Robin. The brothers were in a large cave decked out with a plethora of high-tech equipment.

"Okay, but you think every place outside of Gotham is a backwater town." Tim pointed out as he swiveled his chair to face a massive computer.

"Amity Park is a backwater town. The citizens there are animals," Damian retorted, crossing his arms. "You just cannot see that because you are also a backwater type."

Tim laughed as he realized what the younger boy was basing his opinion on. "Damian, please tell me you haven't generalized an entire city just because of one tourist from Amity Park ran into you and spilled soda on your shirt."

"It was my favorite shirt! And that cretin did not even apologize!" Damian spat. "The nerve!"

"Okay, well, put aside your dumb grudge and think about the objective," Tim responded. "I think, if you look within that thing you call a soul, you can see that letting one intern that you think is under-qualified is worth getting Bruce back."

"Tt. I suppose," Damian admitted begrudgingly. "If this Danny Phantom character truly has the potential to save Father."

"He's the only one who can." Tim reminded him. "We can't get into the Ghost Zone without a ghost, and I don't think any of the ones we've seen so far would be willing to help," He paused. "Plus, don't the Fentons make ghost hunting gear? Who knows, maybe they have a ghost sword."

After a sudden wave of ghost attacks in Gotham, Bruce had poured in countless hours of research to find out as much as he could about ghosts. He had discovered that they came from another dimension and that there was one person who was an expert at fighting them; Danny Phantom of Amity Park. It didn't take very long for him to uncover Phantom's true identity.

"Tim! Dames!" a voice shouted. "My boys!" Tim and Damian looked towards the stairs and saw a taller man with black hair and blue eyes jump the railing of said stairs, landing in the Bat Cave.This was their oldest brother, Dick Grayson, also known as Nightwing. He grinned brightly. "How's it going?"

"Making sure that we have every possible outcome of this mission prepared for." Tim replied as he continued typing on the Bat Computer. Damian nodded.

“Yes, and so I have decided that I shall accompany them on this journey."

"Damian, no." his older brothers said at the same time. Damian scowled.

"Why not? I am plenty capable of-

"Because people would get suspicious if Batman suddenly didn't have a Robin," Dick answered, strolling towards the younger boy. "That's why Jason, Tim, and Stephanie are going. They won't be missed," He gave Tim a nervous look. "No offense."

"None taken," Tim replied, waving his hand. "Sorry Damian, you'd just get in the way."

"But I have died before!" Damian huffed, his hands clenching into fists. "That combined with my skills- which are far greater than yours, Drake, I might add -makes me much more qualified than you."

"Little D, dude, I just told you," Dick ruffled his younger brother's hair. "It'll be suspicious if you're gone. And besides, I need you. We're a great team."

"But my father is in there-"

"Master Damian-" their butler, Alfred Pennyworth, interrupted the trio's squabbling. "You won't be going anywhere until your homework is done."

"Homework? Finding my father is much more important than an essay on why the Roman empire fe-"

"Master Damian." Alfred repeated in a low tone. "Now."

Damian scowled as he trudged up the stairs. It didn't matter how tough the person was. When Alfred told you to do something, you do it. "I will be going with you, Drake!" he called behind his shoulder. "I promise you that!"

Dick and Tim exchanged a glance and rolled their eyes.

"Children."

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prompt-master · 4 years

Note

Would you be willing to share how you might rewrite Yukizome, Sakakura, and Munakata to make them likable characters (if not ppl Bc there’s a big difference)???

ahhhhhhh this ask got me so stupidly excited that I was like wavin my hands around. I think about how to rewrite their characters OFTEN. very often. I’m gonna go with likeable character over likeable people because I think they work better where they’re actually not that likeable people.

The one I think about the MOST is Munakata. He was SUCH wasted potential and I partially blame the medium for that (a single season anime is too constrained for future, it needed more time and care to be a proper story). But Munakata is actually so close to being a compelling character but they made some MAJOR mistakes with him. This ended up getting really long and more like a 3 page ADHD ramble essay. SO IM VERY SORRY to anyone who cannot read this but TYTYTY if you did because these ideas make me very happy! Oh it’s only about Munakata btw because of how long it got

The thing about Munakata is that he is designed to be a foil to Naegi. In fact a majority of dr3 future FOCUSES on this foil dynamic. It is Naegi’s hope vs Munakata’s hope. The World’s hope vs The FF’s hope. And more importantly it is True Hope vs Corrupted Hope.

This is a fantastic concept...so why didn’t it work in canon? I think that the biggest most glaring issue with Munakata’s hope is his logic. Munakata is meant to be a logical man, although with corrupted morals that lead him astray. Yet in canon his logic is laughably infallible. For example as a major figure in the FF and someone who wants to spread hope....why would he tell Naegi to kill himself? More importantly why does he continue to try and slaughter Naegi? The issue here isn’t from the fact that he wants him dead but from the fact that he is under the IMPRESSION that this entire game is being broadcast to the world.

Think about this for a second. In Munakata’s eyes he is going to kill the Ultimate Hope, an international symbol of a better life, live on TV. He doesn’t just want to kill the Ultimate Hope..he wants to do it BRUTALLY as a MAJOR FIGURE OF THE FF. IMO this should have happened later on as the game furthers the emotional turmoil in Munakata’s head and he eventually snaps and gives in to the desire to kill Naegi despite the fact that this is live. And then there should be CONSEQUENCES for that. I wanted so badly a realization where Munakata realizes that he is hurting the Ultimate Hope in front of what he believes is the entire world.

Another issue with Munakata’s logic is saying things such as...implying that the HPA KG was...just a game. I mean...people DIED. it's not hard to see how wrong that logic is. you can't say “this is the real world now” when what Naegi experienced WAS the real world. I think that this could be fixed through a bit of world building. DR3 Future is rather isolated from its world. We don’t really know much about the world and its dynamics. I think it would make perfect sense if the general public viewed the HPA KG as a tv show, they got numb to the sight and even those untouched by despair had a hard time connecting that these are REAL people suffering. With this previously established Munakata expressing that the KG was not real would make a lot more sense and play into his corrupted idea of hope.

There is also Munakata’s connection to his other friends. Now I’ve talked about this before but the game was clearly designed to BREAK Munakata and Naegi. This way the FF would die, both the FF and World’s hope would be broken, and upon seeing this Mitarai would have no choice but to deploy his own forced hope. So it makes perfect sense that Yukizome’s death would break him (in fact if she hadn’t died in that way, her NG code was designed to be Munakata’s fault). But something about it felt...superficial. Again I think this is the mediums fault but it almost feels as though Munakata just forgets about Yukizome until later. I think they should spend more time establishing his pain and what he has lost and why this pushes him to kill. In his eyes if she can die then nothing else matters. It should be THE breaking point, not the first push. I do like the betrayal he feels towards realizing she had despair but it needed more time to fester.

And his relationship with Sakakura also felt weak. In all honesty it was hard for me to feel as though they were ever friends. Sakakura is written as though he just follows Munakata like a loyal dog and Munakata just orders him around. Establish their relationship more! Why are they such good friends? Why is Sakakura important to him? And more importantly why did Munakata decide to cruelly gut Sakakura knowing he was about to confess? This is because he believed that Sakaura was despair and that his confession was more manipulation, but they didn’t show this well at ALL. Munakata just comes across as a major a-sshole who does not care. I also personally found it distasteful that when changing his heart Munakata only seemed to cry for Yukizome. I understand that was his love interest but Yukizome at the end of the day killed herself. Sakakura however was an unnecessary betrayal he took into his own hands AS HE HIMSELF KILLED HIM. He should have more guilt over that! Not just in that moment where he runs to Sakakura, but ahead of time as well! Maybe even DURING his rampage they could have shown him having moments of guilt but he is so absorbed in the idea that all despairs have to die that he doesn’t even realize he has become despair in the name of hope.

A BIG weakness on Munakata’s part comes with interacting with other characters. He is a man who should know how to take charge, lead, and doesn't know what to do when things are getting too crazy even though he THINKS he does. Munakata is heavily flawed, OBVIOUSLY flawed, but many of the interactions with him are as tho his rampage isnt a big deal. There should be reasons for this! Why do people trust Munakatas guidance so much? I dont know! All ive seen from him is that hes insane! Maybe even pieces where around others hes a lot nicer so you can understand why they follow him, even though hes ready to gut Naegi alive with a flaming katana. His interactions with others feel like the writers just wanted to see the next big evil thing they could think of, but for Munakata’s character this doesn't make sense because he was appointed a high status in the foundation for a reason. Maybe even have people say they disagree with some of his methods but at the end of the day he gets the job done!

There is another major missed opportunity here and it's why Muanakata wants Naegi dead so badly in the first place. The remnants. Hiding terrorists in the apocalypse is a PERFECTLY valid reason to want someone dead and think they're a bad guy! But I think since Naegis initial arrest was already so hostile and violent we get the sense that the FF is simply just...crazy.

And let’s think about what Munakata WANTS from Naegi. He does not just want Naegi dead he wants something worse. He wants Naegi to suffer first. He thinks that Naegi doesnt understand his own personal pain. He thinks that because Naegi protected the remnants he must also not care about the suffering the remnants caused. He wants Naegi to feel despair and then die. This is important to his corrupted hope. He thinks the suffering must be shared in order to understand who must die, but he is creating a cycle of pain. Tie this back to the broadcasting issue. He wants Naegi to break for everyone to see. I think..and this is just a concept..I think it would have been a great idea for Munkata to force Naegi to watch the despair video so that he has no choice but to understand.

AND themes are majorly important to Danganronpa. And I don’t think its a stretch to say that there are parallels between Munakata and Naegi. In fact I would say that there are aspects of the og trio in this new trio. I think it would have been really cool if they showed how our favorite trio could have ended up if they had been corrupted as well. But the parrellels dont stick strongly. I think it would have been cool to show a past where Munakata’s idealism lies more strongly than Naegis. As the student council president there was a time where he himself had to use his words to solve problems. Perhaps he learned that sometimes his words made things worse. Munakata does not have Naegi’s talent of emotional intelligence. He is a man of action over words. So he interprets this as WORDS being the problem rather than understanding he does not have these skills. Especially when the apocalypse breaks out, it becomes all action over words. So he sees Naegi who is all talk as a genuine threat who will let everyone die through his “weak ineffective” idea of hope.

Another parallel could be drawn from the fact that they both have hope based careers. Their job is too keep things hopeful. Maybe Naegi stays safe doing public broadcasted speeches, while Munakata is on the field weeding out despairs. This would cause Munakata to feel as though Naegi is doing no real work yet getting all the credit for being a savior.

Munakata constantly complains that Naegi does not know true pain. But he and we as an audience have followed Naegi through his entire process of trauma. We know he is in the wrong. But what do we as an audience know about Munakata’s suffering? We are shown almost nothing! There are some implications, but for how intense he is implications are not enough. We need to see his suffering. We should see how he has witnessed death. Yukizomes death is not nearly enough for this because he talks as though he has suffered for years. How can we as an audience understand that when we have never seen it? How can we understand Munakata when he is outright denying Naegi’s trauma that we KNOW existed with no proper justification for his reasoning?

I also believe that Munakata should have died. It actually upsets me a bit that he was PLANNED to die but didn't. He should have died protecting Naegi after all that suffering and relentless brutality he offered him. Munakata again is a man of action over word, and protecting Naegi with his last breath is the perfect way to show how in the end he changed. Especially when all he wanted initially was for Naegi to die. I find that much more satisfying than just…...walking off to who knows where.

So lets recap some changes. Munakata needs a proper display of his past traumas and his relationship with Sakakura and Yukizome. Munakata needs a proper display of his work relationships and the respect he has earned. Munakata needs to fall into corruption at a better pace, and have geniune reasons for his illogical attacks on Naegi. Munakata needs to care more for his friends. Munakata needs to deal with the turmoil of wanting to hurt Naegi while he believes the world is watching. Munakata needs to die for Naegi

This has gotten long...and I still have things to say. There is so much to make Munakata a good character. Future had a lot of potential and is amazing for a rewrite concept. As for Sakakura and Yukizome since this has gotten long feel free to ask for another round of this individually when asks are open again! If you read all of this somehow….TYSM

#ask #danganronpa #kyosuke munakata #dr3 #dr3 spoilers #analysis #???#sorry sorry sorry ahhhhh i have so much to say fuuuuihkhuhi

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calamariimpossible · 4 years

Text

Magicians on the internet, crypto, and the email that broke me.

This is a continuation of a twitter thread that Muz (@mzkrx) started to write out in his car but then when he plotted out his thoughts, it made more sense to him to put it down in a blog format rather than a thread. You'll find out why as you read through.

Stuck in the car for half an hour so I'm gonna do a thread (Editor's note: Now a whole-ass blog post) about a strange email I got recently.

So I was casually watching magic tricks on YouTube. the funnest part of which to me is reading the comments. YouTube commenters love explaining how they think the trick is done and it's fun to read through their theories and connect dots between similar tricks, etc.

And then one time as I was scrolling I noticed a comment that didn't make sense. It was a string of an almost sentence. Intelligible enough to not be random words but odd enough to read like a trigger phrase for something.

The closest I can describe it as is like the string Zemo used to wake up the Winter Soldier, but with some syntax to it. Like "many thermos wiggle throughout exotic harbinger of circle ascending fuchsia entrapment".

Initially I thought nothing of it, but then I kept seeing them in these magic trick video comment sections. They're never the same string, and it's always under magic trick videos. from different channels even.

Hmmm.

The profiles that posted these comments are also always blank accounts with zero videos and no profile pic. Just their name. I felt like it was too much of a coincidence for these comments to only be under magic trick videos.

I also knew that the world of performance magic is thick with secrets. That is to say, there is deliberate obfuscation of information whenever you try to go online to find out how a trick works.

Magicians get together online and share information with each other just like performers of every other sort as well but the amount of code and doublespeak they use is an order of magnitude more annoying to decipher compared to say, an engineering message board or a gamedev forum.

Knowing that, I thought maybe this almost parsable gibberish I keep seeing everywhere was also some kind of code these people were using to talk to each other.

So I started investigating.

First things first, let's just Google one of the phrases. Maybe that's enough?

And it sorta was.

Pasting them onto the search bar lent me to only 1 result (wild!) and it was a website that looked really dank. Like geocities dank. Annoying neon colours and badly margined jpegs of tarot card images everywhere and a big bold header text that said something to the effect of:

"Congratulations, you've found our hidden message. This portal is only for those seeking knowledge beyond what is on the surface. Continue below."

* * *

I haven't been doing well. I feel like I say that too much. I say it on Patreon, on my personal podcast, whenever any of my friends ask me how I'm doing, pretty much everywhere. I feel very heavy. I understand I'm not the only one feeling like this during a pandemic.

Duh.

But I have this other version of worry that I can't quite articulate until right now: I'm scared I won't be funny anymore. Anwar and Farid can attest that even during our recordings I don't feel up to being funny. I question my jokes a lot. I barely enjoy telling them. I'm worried I'm letting everyone down.

To me, silliness and absurdism as virtues only make sense when the world has trace amounts of injustice and wrongness that training ourselves to see it in our everyday helps us remind ourselves of what is just and fair. The more we consume silliness, the more we are able to recognize silly and point it out. So we don't ignore it when things go wrong, so we talk about it, manage it. So we can take care of each other.

Maybe I can't be sure if we're all up for taking care of each other right now.

* * *

"Continue below" seems instructive, but it wasn't. Like I mentioned, the margins were haphazard and the CSS was all over the place. Some jpegs were straight up cropped off.

Meaning I can't be sure what "below" meant. But there were clickable images and text so I was readily intrigued.

It was tantalizing. Did I stumble into some secret order of Extremely Online Magicians? Maybe I'll finally find out why there aren't many female magicians out there. Maybe it's some sort of secret initiation to a secret message board full of secrety secrets. Secretly.

Y'all.

I didn't click on any of the linked images or anything. I closed the tab. That was the end of that.

An earlier version of myself would gladly run headlong into this rabbit hole to find out more and sink hours into some goddessforsaken labyrinth of links. But the current version of me recognizes this for what it almost certainly is: an abandoned roleplaying game.

Back in the early 00s when the internet was the realm of nerds and nerds only, it was full of people who loved sharing things for sharing's sake. It used to be punk rock to maintain a blog that only talked about snails or have a lo-fi YouTube channel that uploads biweekly 3-minute news about your house, or manage a little message board where people roleplay as wizards who rummage around the net looking for clues.

That last part was a thing I remember being actively involved in. In '03, a group of online friends and I wrote up a scavenger hunt of sorts where we sent people through various blog pages that we have where the goal is to just dick around and have fun. We wasted each other's time for sure. Hundreds of hours of it for literally no gain at all but for some laughs and fun memories.

The internet isn't like that anymore. People don't share something online for sharing anymore. Not really. There's this idea that if you put stuff out there, you want people's attention because numbers are good. You get a lotta reblogs and RTs and Likes which means people Like you.

If you don't have a lotta numbers, you don't matter. If you do, everyone has to talk about what you said or did because it's 'News' now.

Isn't that kinda gross, you think? That we need people to interact through an app to be sure that we're Liked? I say "we" but I mean me. I've successfully poisoned my brain to believe this to a certain extent too and it's not good.

I felt myself physically react when I closed that geocities magician website tab. I shuddered because my brain went from "this is cool" to "I gotta let people know I found this" to "this'll get me hella RTs" to "ew Muz why did you think that" within 3 seconds and I was disgusted with myself.

As a dude who started my online presence on YouTube and parlayed it into my real life comedy/writing career, I've believed for a long time that doing good work and putting it out there is what it takes for a working creative to make it because that's what I did. So there's this idea that making stuff and having it be seen is some kind of virtuous.

But it's not anymore. People pick fights with children for clout. Newspapers post about people's tweets as if its important. People are investing in crypto, a thing that literally only exists as electrical waste on a grand scale. We're boiling the oceans to yell at each other over nothing and exchange bits of code everyone agrees has ever-rising value but doesn't. Everyone is making and eating junk, it feels like.

So am I making junk? Have I just been making useless junk for literally over a decade now? Is that what I've been good for this entire time?

* * *

So the email.

It was a response from a company I applied to for a job. I applied as a creative writer and they're an advertising agency.

Receiving emails from a prospective employer when you're in need of a job is exciting! So soon after I applied, too. Wonderful. Here's what it said:

We just received your application today but would love to extend the opportunity for you to participate in the Case Competition as a prerequisite of your job application for Creative Writer position with [REDACTED] and stand a chance to be a winner for cash awards up to a total worth of RM1,800.

Yea.

They want me to enter a competition where I compete with other candidates to get a chance of being hired.

This company saw how many people applied for a job with them, and decided to dangle some cash and throw it over the fence to see which candidate will fight for it the most.

I didn't expect to feel vomitous after reading an email but that did it. I almost dry heaved. That's where we are now.

Recruiters see a glut of applicants and decided to play Fall Guys. These people watch Istana Takeshi and think Takeshi is the good guy. It hurts. It hurt me. That email caused me pain.

I can't at all empathise with recruiters who think this was okay to do. They really believed that creative writers will do a little dance for them just for money.

Look, I know we all need to eat. But I can also hate that people undervalue the work of creatives to this painful extent.

I don't give a shit about earning a lot of dough. I just wanna make things that tickle people. I want you to smile more.

That's the whole point of that weird little YouTube comment that led to the quirky website. That's the whole idea of making silly videos and dumb tweets and memes. We just want you to laugh.

But it seems people think so little of joy that they'll do whatever they can to avoid legitimately supporting and paying for stuff that gets them through the day. So much so that they want free work from us for the potential of maybe being able to get paid for more work. It breaks me, man.

I hate that I cannot make a living just trying my best to make people happy.

That's the best way I know to take care of you.

I know I don't just 'make junk' for a living. People have messaged me personally that my work has helped them get through tough times in school, in their relationships, at the office and I am eternally grateful that they took the time to tell me that.

I just also wish my feelings about my work aren't easily brought down by the majority of people who insist its worthless. Even if sometimes those people is me.

So forgive me if I won't be funny for a while. I'm gonna need some time to process this. Thank you for reading. I love you.

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raywritesthings · 4 years

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Bird in a Storm 8/17

My Writing Fandom: Arrow Characters: Laurel Lance, Oliver Queen, Tommy Merlyn, Quentin Lance, Moira Queen, Malcolm Merlyn, Frank Chen Pairing: Laurel Lance/Oliver Queen Summary: The confrontation between the Hood and SWAT on the roof of the Winick Building goes differently, altering the course of Laurel’s career, relationships and efforts to save her city forever, the shockwaves of such an altered path making themselves felt throughout her family and friends. *Can be read on my AO3, link is in bio*

Tommy’s twenty-eighth birthday brought with it severely mixed feelings. On the one hand, he had his best friend back to celebrate it with him for the first time in five years. He also received a call from his father on the day and an invitation to dinner whenever he was available that week. Their repairing relationship was perhaps the strangest upturn his life had taken thus far, not even Ollie coming back from the dead able to top it.

But this was also the first year it wasn’t being marked by a certain Laurel Lance. She’d always remembered to send him a text or a card, occasionally met him up for the odd drink or two. There was one year they’d — well, but that was in the past.

He didn’t know what to feel about Laurel anymore. The anger was there even if it had faded, mostly. He was just… disappointed. Disappointed that she was wasting her life and her potential on problems that were never going to be fixed. As his father had reminded him, his mother had died doing the same thing.

God, what if she died out there? Would it make the news? Would he see it on his television, former CNRI lawyer found dead in apparent mugging? Sometimes he was seconds away from calling Joanna to see if she had any news, but he always stopped himself. Laurel had made her her choice.

He and Oliver went out for drinks the night of. Tommy had maybe a few too many, and he found himself among some women he’d never met before but was now glad he had. He woke up the day after his birthday in an unfamiliar bed, gathered up his clothes and left without seeing who he’d been with. It was meaningless, and they both knew that.

At dinner, his father surprised him yet again.

“The city is honoring me this week with the humanitarian of the year award. I’d very much like you to be there, Tommy.”

He didn’t see why he shouldn’t be. He knew Oliver wouldn’t mind him taking the night off if it was something for family.

“Of course.”

His father smiled, an expression he was only starting to get used to seeing aimed in his direction. “Thank you, Tommy. The truth is, of anyone in this family, Rebecca should have been the one to receive this honor.”

Tommy nodded, his mood turning more somber. “She’d be proud of you for continuing her work.”

“That is the thought that guides me through each day,” his father confessed, his eyes shining. Tommy had always resented him for leaving those two years after, when he was also grieving, but he’d never given much thought to his own father’s grieving process. How much he’d lost that night. Maybe he’d been wrong to be so harsh.

He showed up the night of the ceremony at Merlyn Global in a new tux, greeting various people, mostly his father’s associates. He was glad to see Mrs. Queen, though she seemed a little distracted.

His father gave a speech, and just as he’d finished the lights shut off. People looked around in confusion, talking to each other and questioning the situation. The crowd jostled each other as an evacuation alarm sounded. Tommy looked for his father but was found instead when his dad grabbed him by the shoulders, telling him of the exit on the second floor.

Everything was a frantic rush after that. His father kept moving them up higher as men in server’s uniforms fired on them. The Hood of all people showed up and told them to run.

His father killed two men.

“As surely as he would have killed you,” was the answer his dad gave when Tommy objected. He then led them up the final flight to his penthouse office, inputting the code to seal them in.

His father was confident in their safety, so Tommy took the opportunity to demand, “How did you know how to do that? Fight. Kill.”

The only answer he got was his dad moving to a wall on the side and removing a painting to input yet another code. A wall started to slide open, though Tommy couldn’t see what was beyond it from where he stood.

And then all hell broke loose.

The window shattered with a force that almost shook the room, the wall sliding back shut. His father stepped forward, and a bullet caught him just below his neck. Tommy rushed to him as he fell, only for his dad to rise momentarily. He showed him the bulletproof vest. What kind of world were they living in where the humanitarian of the year had to take this many precautions?

The bullet had only nicked his skin but his father stopped talking and slumped back down. “Dad? Dad!”

Soft footfalls and a shadow soon indicated they weren’t alone. He looked up and was momentarily stunned by the sight that met him.

The Hood. Tommy scrambled to pick up the gun his father had taken off one of the men downstairs.

“Stay back!”

“I’m not here to hurt you or your father,” the vigilante claimed.

“I said stay back!”

He didn’t listen, taking another step and reaching for something on the ground. He murmured something, but in the modulated voice Tommy couldn’t make it out. And anyway, he was more concerned with the vigilante’s continued approach.

“Don’t come any closer!” The gun shook in his hands, or his hands were shaking, but he did his best to keep on trained on the hooded man.

“Your father's been poisoned. An assassin named Floyd Lawton laces his bullets with curare. I've dealt with this before. We need to dilute the poison in his bloodstream.”

“I said stay the hell back!”

“In three minutes he's paralyzed. In four minutes, he suffocates. If you don't let me help you now, he's dead before anybody gets here!” The man growled.

“Help.” Tommy couldn’t believe he was hearing this. “How?”

“Fresh blood buys him time to get to the hospital.”

“A blood transfusion? That's insane!”

“It's the only way. He needs your blood.”

The Hood wanted to perform a medical experiment on his father. The same man that had attacked Mrs. Queen, that had abducted Laurel and destroyed her life, now thought he could help them? No.

He wasn’t going to let this monster take anything else from him.

“You're out of time. You need to make a decision right now.” The Hood took another menacing step.

Tommy squeezed the trigger. The shot was loud in his ears, and he jolted back at the force. By the time he steadied his aim again, the vigilante was diving out of the shattered window, swinging away to safety.

He dropped the gun, hands shaking at what he’d tried to do. He’d missed, but he had meant to shoot a man, just like he’d seen his father do minutes prior.

“Dad,” he muttered, his pulse spiking again. His father was still lying unresponsive on the floor. Tommy fumbled for his phone and hit the emergency call button, hoping desperately it would be picked up as soon as possible.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“We’re in the penthouse office at Merlyn Global. My dad, he was nicked with a bullet and won’t wake up. Please send help!”

“Help is on the way. Just stay on the line.”

“God, dad. God, dad, please,” Tommy begged, using his free hand to grasp his father’s. He couldn’t lose him, too. No matter what their relationship had been till now, he couldn’t lose his father, too.

---

Quentin didn’t often allow himself to be in the position of feeling guilty. He did things by the book, by and large, he was good at his job. Usually when things in his life went wrong it was because some other person had decided to screw with him or his family.

But this time he couldn’t quite pin the blame elsewhere.

Maybe if he’d been willing to bend a little, work with the vigilante when he called. Maybe they could have had officers in the surrounding buildings, caught the sniper before he could get to his perch. Organized crime might have had some luck in catching the Triad if he’d tipped them off.

As it was, he was now stuck sitting in a hospital waiting room with his daughter’s ex-boyfriend, waiting on news of one of the richest men in the city. The older Merlyn had reportedly been unresponsive but breathing when first responders picked him up. They’d started him on fresh blood during the ambulance drive over.

Merlyn’s son sat with his head in his hands. He’d shakily confirmed that the Hood had made an appearance in the penthouse office, but that he’d driven the vigilante off. Quentin still wasn’t sure what had had the Hood so concerned about a one-percenter like Malcolm Merlyn. Was it possible the good press about the businessman was really true?

A doctor entered the room and approached Tommy Merlyn. He spoke quietly, though the expression on Merlyn’s face was shattered enough for him to guess it wasn’t good news. Quentin noticed a nurse hovering in the doorway and walked over.

“Comatose,” she confirmed in a low voice. “We’re hoping that keeping him under will allow his body to heal, but…”

Quentin returned to sit by Merlyn’s chair as the doctor left. “I’m sorry about your father,” he said, none of his usual bite when addressing the young man present in his voice. It wasn’t time for his personal disagreements.

“He’s the only family I have, and we were finally getting along. I just- if I lose him now…” he hung his head low. “If the Hood could have just brought the paramedics with him or taken him down to them, I don’t know—”

Quentin blinked. “How’s that?”

“He wanted to do a- a blood transfusion. Between me and my dad,” Merlyn clarified. “If I’d agreed, would it have saved him?”

“Well, there’s no telling if the Hood would’ve known how to do one properly,” he offered, even knowing as he said it that the vigilante wouldn’t have recommended it unless he did. That wasn’t what the kid needed to hear, though. “And your father’s still alive.”

The young man nodded, but his frown remained set on his face.

Quentin looked away, and in doing so spotted a young woman watching them from around a corner. His eyes narrowed in confusion as she noticed his stare and ducked back around to hide — but then, he recognized that expression. It was the same one Laurel had always worn when he’d caught her up past her bedtime reading under the covers.

“Look, I’m gonna give you some time, okay?”

The younger Merlyn nodded, and Quentin stood and made his way down the hall to his daughter.

As he approached, he had to slow as he started to tally the differences in his girl. Gone were the nice clothes and soft makeup; she wore a ripped up jean jacket with leggings and boots, and her lips were a dark red. Her hair had been cut short, the longest piece hanging over her forehead and just barely reaching below her chin.

“Hey, dad.”

His mouth opened, but he couldn’t seem to find words, so he just nodded stiffly.

“How’s Mr. Merlyn?”

That was easier; work always was. “Doctors are saying he’s slipped into a coma. They’re not sure yet how deep.”

Laurel looked down, scuffing one boot on the floor. “Is Tommy okay?”

“Holding up as well as expected. He could probably do with some support.”

Laurel shook her head. “He doesn’t want to see me.”

There wasn’t much Quentin could say to argue that point. “You came here anyway.”

She shrugged, almost helpless. “I had to check on him.”

He could understand that. He’d been doing a lot of checking up on a loved one too, lately.

The silence had stretched on thanks to his lack of response, and so Laurel nodded once before slowly turning on her heel. Quentin screwed up his nerves and said, “Laurel.”

She stopped. “Yeah, dad?”

“You— I mean could we— how’s the new job?”

“It’s good. I’m learning a lot.”

He nodded once. “Good.”

“Was there anything else?”

Yes, he wanted to say, I miss you. Where did my good girl go? What have I done?

“No,” he said instead, watching her shoulders slump at the answer. “That should, uh, that should do it.

“Unless,” he added, and she stopped again. Quentin didn’t think he was imagining the tiny spark of hope in her eyes. “I don’t know what your schedule’s like these days, but we could grab dinner maybe.”

“Okay. The shop closes at six, so I’m good most nights. Joanna and her mom invited me over on Friday, and I promised Anita we’d go out Saturday. But any other night works.”

“Anita?” He didn’t recognize that name.

“My neighbor. She and her husband, they’ve been really great.”

Quentin looked down. This was something a father should have already known. “Well, that’s good. I’m glad you’ve made friends.” He scratched at the back of his head. “Yeah, I’ll look at my schedule, get back to you in a couple of days.”

“Okay.” She was still standing there so guarded. He hated it. He wished he’d never gotten the idea to plant that stupid bug in the phone and wreck his daughter’s trust in him so completely. Why couldn’t there be some easy solution?

The solution wasn’t easy, but he did know how it had to start. “You know, I am — I’m sorry, honey. For everything with the Hood and your job, but mostly for what it did to us.”

She drew in a breath and stepped forward, slowly bringing her arms around for a hug that he readily returned. It was still Laurel he held in his arms, Nothing about her changed appearance changed that. He could squeeze his eyes shut and pretend none of the bad stuff had ever even happened.

“I’m sorry, too. But thank you for saying so.”

She drew away and walked down the hall, out of his sight. Quentin let her go. She wasn’t his little girl anymore, and hadn’t been for some time even if he’d refused to see it. He’d have to get to know this young woman if he wanted any part of his daughter’s life going forward.

But if tonight had taught him anything, it was best to reach out to family while there was still the time.

---

The fight with Dark Archer at Christmas had been one thing. Laurel losing her job at CNRI another. But this?

Mr. Merlyn lay comatose in the hospital. Tommy had effectively lost his other parent to violence, and he could have done something this time. He’d tried to do something. And he’d failed. Every time it seemed to count most, he failed.

Oliver remained in the base all night. He couldn’t go to the hospital, knowing he was to blame for not saving Tommy’s father. It would be impossible for him to put on an act in front of his best friend right now.

He’d sent Diggle home a long time ago, and the base was empty. McKenna had tried calling once, which he’d ignored. He didn’t know what time it was, as he remained sitting back against a wall. But at some point, the door opened and footsteps descended lightly.

“Oliver?”

His breath caught. Of course she’d come to him when he couldn’t bring himself to face anyone.

He heard her set something down on a table, and then her footsteps came closer. She rounded the corner and spotted him the same time he did her.

His melancholy lifted for a moment just at the sight of her, though that had more to do with surprise than anything. She’d cut her hair. Oliver stood as she approached, looking hardly like the young girl in the photo he’d kept for five years. Her soft smile was still the same, though.

“I thought I might find you here.”

“You heard the news.”

“Hard not to. It’s all any of the stations are talking about. Have you seen Tommy yet?”

He shook his head, and Laurel frowned.

“Why not?”

“He shot at me.” Oliver watched Laurel’s eyebrows raise. “As the Hood.”

“Tommy?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t close to hitting me, but I had to leave him before somebody got hurt. And now his dad…” he looked away.

“This wasn’t your fault, Oliver. You can’t help someone if they don’t want your help.”

“I should have told him the truth about me. Then he might have been able to trust me. He might have understood why you...” Oliver trailed off while Laurel pursed her lips. He knew it was probably still a sensitive subject to get into, so he let that thought lie. “Now I can’t ever tell him. He’d be so betrayed.”

If Laurel agreed with his assessment or not, she didn’t say. She simply pulled him into a hug. One of his hands went to the back of her head, and he found himself trailing his fingers through the short ends of her hair, marveling at the new feeling. Laurel let him, just radiating that calm strength she had always possessed.

Eventually they both stepped back.

“I’m guessing you haven’t talked to him?”

“No. But I have something for him.” She led him back over to the table where he saw a bouquet of some kind of pink and orange flowers he didn’t know the name of sitting in a vase with water. “They’re called alstroemeria. Can you make sure this gets to him?”

Oliver nodded. “Yeah, I’ll make sure it does.”

Laurel smiled for him again. “I know you don’t think so right now, but Tommy could really use a friend. And Ollie, you’re all he has.”

“I know.” It would be hard. It would be harder even than all the lying he’d been doing to his mother and sister. But he had to try for Tommy. “Thank you.”

“I’m still here for you.”

“I know.” He wished he could do more for her in return. If he only knew what was going on in the city, how to stop it, then he could leave all this behind and focus on his loved ones like he wanted to.

But it couldn’t be. Just like he was kidding himself thinking he could have a relationship with a detective who was part of the task force hunting him down.

“Have you eaten anything today?” Laurel asked, and that drew him up short.

“What day is it?”

She shook her head. “Come on. We’ll get you some lunch. My treat, and no arguments.”

Laurel took a hold of his arm with strength he wasn’t expecting, looping it through her own. He’d probably feel guilt over it later — of the two of them, he was the one with far more cash to burn — but for once he was grateful to let someone else he trusted take the lead.

---

Moira paced the floor of her office. A coma. Perhaps the worst possible outcome. Malcolm was down, but not out. Not entirely.

Had he known his life was in danger, that there were some in his midst conspiring against him? Had he suspected her? If he woke, she supposed she would have her answers.

Now the only question was what to do in the meantime.

The door opened quietly and Frank slipped through. “I got your call. I’m not sure it’s safe to be meeting like this so soon after, Moira.”

“We’re just two people meeting after a tragedy has befallen our good friend, Frank,” Moira reminded him. “Nothing more.”

“Well, we both know that’s not true.”

“And we’re the only two who can ever know. Not until the job is complete.”

Frank looked at her in shock. “You can’t be suggesting—”

“We need to consider all our options, Frank. Can it be done?”

Her partner in this terrible crime slowly shook his head. “The Triad are unhappy. They lost good men to the Hood, and hiring two separate assassins was not cheap. They are not interested in doing me any favors at the moment.”

Moira closed her eyes. She’d been afraid that would be the answer. Without a third party to hire to take care of things, Malcolm would be allowed to lie undisturbed in the hospital. Perhaps, to heal.

“Then we go forward with Malcolm’s agenda.”

“Moira?”

“There’s still a chance he could wake up, Frank. If he does and discovers we’ve dismantled his work in the meantime,” she let that thought hang in the air between them, not needing to finish it.

“I have begun taking precautions,” he admitted. “Amanda will be staying in London for the foreseeable future. You should think about relocating your family as well, Moira.”

“I can’t.” Not until she had her whole family, at any rate. There was too much at stake for her here in Starling to simply abandon it. And Oliver had already been asking questions. A drastic move like that would only increase his interest.

“Then I suppose we must do as you say. Allow the preparations to proceed.” Frank fixed her a look. “And should the device be completed?”

Moira thought their options over. The closer they got to the completion of the Undertaking, the more abhorrent she found it. Knowing it was no longer an abstract idea but almost a possible reality...

But there was one saving grace: Malcolm’s pride.

“Then we wait. Malcolm would want to be the one to activate it. This is, after all, his life’s work.”

Frank nodded. “Then we wait.”

“Yes.”

Her old friend left her shortly after. She knew he worried most of all about looking suspicious. It was not an unwise fear to have. They were balanced precariously now, with lives on either side.

The plans for Malcolm’s Undertaking would have to continue. If she ever wanted even the slimmest chance of seeing Walter again, she could not afford to show her traitorous colors.

#lauriver #laurel x oliver #laurel lance #oliver queen #arrow #green arrow #black canary #my writing #bird in a storm

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shipping-receiving · 5 years

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Fictober 2019 Day 8: “Can you stay?”

Rating: T | Word Count: 1657 Fandom: A Song of Ice and Fire / Game of Thrones Relationship: Jaime Lannister / Brienne of Tarth Tags: Alternate Universe – Professors

(read on AO3)

//////

Brienne Tarth didn’t know why Catelyn Stark insisted on being so fertile.

At the end of every academic year, the History department at King’s Landing University selected two professors to plan their slate of public lectures for the following academic year. Or, as in Brienne and Catelyn’s case, two professors could volunteer to do so. Barring their own research and travel plans, they could then spend the summer arranging for speakers, particularly for the start of the first semester, when everyone still had the energy and motivation to show up for these lectures in the first place.

Then Catelyn had to go and get pregnant with her fifth child.

Brienne was aware that the fourth pregnancy had been complicated. Catelyn and her husband Ned didn’t want to take any chances with the fifth, which was certainly fair for them to do. But they already had four. Five including Ned’s nephew, whom they had adopted after he was orphaned at birth. As Catelyn went on her impromptu sabbatical, Brienne found herself cursing Catelyn’s womb, and Ned’s… nope, she didn’t want to even consider anything about Ned that was below his neck.

It’s not that it would have been very troublesome for Brienne to partner with another professor, although she and Catelyn did come up with a sort of—narrative arc, Brienne might call it—for their proposed line-up.

It’s more that she was partnered with this professor.

Professor Jaime Lannister.

Who was only replacing Catelyn Stark because he’d evaded this responsibility for nigh on seven academic years, and the department decided enough was enough. Except the person who had to suffer for this wasn’t Jaime Lannister, but her. Brienne Tarth.

Brienne wasn’t even sure how Jaime Lannister had remained employed by the university for this long—ten, fifteen years, she thinks. There was that whole business with Aerys Targaryen, back when he was a PhD student. And the other business with his sister Cersei, which had gone on for even longer. Surely there was some kind of university code of ethics that Jaime Lannister was violating by simply existing. Did Lannister money work for this too? It wasn’t a secret that his father didn’t approve of his career in academia, but a respectable position at King’s Landing University was still the best that an academic based in Westeros could really hope for. Brienne certainly treasured her position, which she had very fortunately secured upon completing her own PhD, with enthusiastic support from Catelyn.

Anyway, Jaime Lannister—or Professor Lannister, as she insisted on calling him, though he had asked her to call him Jaime multiple times—was the most maddening person Brienne had ever encountered in her short career. In the first meeting, he had shot down three-quarters of the proposal that she and Catelyn had already devised. Too boring, he had said, we should shake things up a bit. All he had to do was go along with the damn proposal, and he couldn’t even do that. Why didn’t he shake things up in any of the last seven years he could have taken on this responsibility?

On top of that, he just wouldn’t do things over email, like normal people do. He insisted on meeting her in person for every single thing, which also meant she had to take notes during these meetings rather than just refer to their non-existent emails, which was truly a waste of her time. It’s much better to talk in person, Prof, don’t you think? Jaime Lannister had said. Gets the juices flowing.

And of course, there was that whole “Prof” thing. He refused to call her Professor Tarth, or even Professor, as if it was so difficult to add two extra syllables. And the way he said it—like he didn’t think she even deserved the position. Because she was too young, or because she was a woman, or maybe it might even be because of how she looked, like that mattered at all. (Fine, maybe it mattered to him, given how many students of all genders were lining up to take his classes. Because of how hot he was, or whatever. And he got great student reviews, also probably because of how hot he was, or whatever. That must be why the university kept him on.)

She had thought, on occasion, that she might prefer if he called her Brienne. But she would never suggest that. Seemed too intimate.

Of all the things that had been bothering her about Jaime Lannister, however, he had this one bizarre habit that got on her nerves more than any of the others.

Every single time since their third meeting—and the meetings always had to be in his office, obviously—he’d always ask her at the end:

“Can you stay?”

The first time he had asked her, she had been too shocked to say anything other than “No,” before she stumbled out of his room without even so much as a “Goodbye, Professor Lannister.” The second time, she had replied, “What for?” and he had said, “Oh, I don’t know Prof. We’re between academic years and I’m bored.” As if they shouldn’t be doing research, or working on material for their summer classes, or other things they were hired by the university to do. “We could talk about your love life. Or lack thereof,” he smirked. That definitely made her want to refuse.

And so she did. Again and again, meeting after meeting. And he just kept asking her, with the same smirk. Like it was such a joke for Professor Lannister and Professor Tarth to even be in each other’s presence unless they were forced by obligation. Brienne certainly thought it was a joke, and she was happy to keep it firmly as a joke. But two months into this whole charade, on a particularly frustrating day triggered by a particularly terrible date with a particularly loathsome man that her father insisted on setting her up with, she decided, on a whim, to say something different.

“Can you stay?” he asked, as usual.

“Fine, Professor Lannister. Jaime.” She tried to infuse his name with as much derision as she could possibly manage. “I’ll stay. You said you wanted to talk about my love life, didn’t you?”

“Oh… um…” he responded, or tried to.

He was actually speechless. He usually couldn’t shut up, but Brienne Tarth had actually rendered Jaime Lannister speechless. It felt amazing.

“Well, I went on a terrible date last night,” Brienne snapped. “There. What else do you want to know?”

“Oh. You’re dating?” Of course he found it unbelievable.

“I am not dating. I went on a date, despite not really wanting to date, and regretted it entirely.”

“You don’t want to date?” he had said, oddly tentative. That was his question? What was with this obsession with her love life? Or the distinct lack thereof?

“Don’t you have anything else you would rather ask me?” Brienne exhaled. “You always ask me if I can stay, I finally say yes, and you’re telling me this is what I’m staying for? Professor Lannister?”

“Jaime,” he corrected, like he always did. “And I—I didn’t really have a plan for when you actually agreed. Or I did, but you’ve been saying no for so long that I find myself struggling to recall what it is, Brienne.”

He called her Brienne. She was so thrown by that, she couldn’t come up with any kind of witty response.

“If I remember correctly,” he continued, looking to the ceiling, “The plan was to charm you with some conversation outside of planning all these lectures. And then maybe after a few more sessions of this, I might have asked you out to dinner.”

“What,” was all Brienne’s brain could produce in that moment.

He turned his head back to her. “I’ve sat in on some of your classes, you know that?” Brienne did know that. She’d spied him in the very last row of her lecture theatre a number of times, over the last year, and hadn’t known what to make of it. “And your research focus is very interesting.”

“You wanted to ask me out to dinner to… talk about my research?”

“Well,” he drawled, “I’m not opposed to that topic of conversation. But I would much rather be able to talk about other things, too. And, potentially, do other things. If you’re not opposed.”

“Oh.” It was finally dawning on Brienne. “Are you… asking me out?”

“I seem to be doing a bad job of it, Brienne, but that was the plan. Still is.”

“Why?”

He gave her a confused look. “Why not?”

Brienne laughed nervously, but also maybe a bit more harshly than she had intended. “I can think of a lot of reasons why not.”

Jaime’s eyes narrowed. “Ah. Aerys Targaryen.”

That was part of it, deep down, but it hadn’t really been at the forefront of her mind. “I didn’t mean to imply—” Brienne scrambled.

“But that is one of your reasons, isn’t it? Professor Tarth?” His voice dripped with something that she didn’t quite like.

“Look, let’s just forget I said that, Professor Lannister. I’ll—I’ll just go.”

“Jaime. My name is Jaime,” he repeated, as he got up from his chair and walked towards his office door. “But you agreed to stay, didn’t you, Brienne?”

Brienne nods her head stupidly.

“And you’re a woman of your word, aren’t you?”

“I… I’d like to think that I am,” she mumbled.

“Okay. Please don’t panic, but I am going to lock this door.” That was not reassuring in the least, but Brienne had to admit she was intrigued. She didn’t think Jaime Lannister would try anything untoward, and she was quite sure she’d be able to subdue him if he did. “I promise I am not going to do anything other than… speak. Tell you a story. And I need some privacy for this story.”

“What—what story?”

“Sit, Brienne. I’ll tell you exactly what happened with Aerys Targaryen.”

#fictober19 #jaime x brienne #braime #my fic #don't ask me what happens after #i didn't plot it out lol

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artificialqueens · 5 years

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nobody knows where we might end up, chapter sixteen (branjie) - holtzmanns

(read on ao3) | (tumblr: plastiquetiaras) | word count: 4413

AN: Thank you so, so much for the lovely feedback on this story. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to read and how much it makes me want to write more and more and more. Writ is the most wonderful beta to exist and this story would not be the same without them.

(then)

The login page of the application website for all of the Ontario medical schools is a sight that fills Vanessa with dread. A simple webpage that has the potential to crush her hopes and dreams a second time, just like it did the year before.

She still remembers her login information from last year, the username and password coming to her easily after typing it so many times while checking her admissions results last spring.

Vanessa opens up her old admissions essays, skimming through them while she absentmindedly pets Riley. She doesn’t necessarily need to redo the essays, per se. They aren’t terrible. She just needs to give them a little upgrade.

She needs reinforcements.

Silky’s at her door in less than fifteen minutes, the promise of Vanessa paying for the pizza that they’re ordering in enough to lure her over. It doesn’t stop Silky, though, from grumbling about it.

“You can’t ask your girl? Ain’t she the one that actually got into med school? I don’t know shit about doctor stuff.” Silky drops the candy that she’s brought over for them to snack on onto the table, and Vanessa wastes no time in popping a starburst into her mouth, mostly to delay her answer.

“Nope,” Vanessa keeps her voice light as she turns on their desktop computer, “Brooke’s been busy with the first semester starting.”

It’s not a lie, not necessarily. Brooke really hasn’t been around, spending most of her time in lectures and studying her ass off at the library, and so what if Vanessa doesn’t want to join her for those study sessions anymore? Sitting with Brooke and all of her new med school friends that actually got in on the first try and would probably look at Vanessa like she’s stupid or something. For still being stuck in undergrad and not getting in anywhere.

Nah. She’s better off studying and working on things in the apartment. She doesn’t need Brooke’s help for applications this year.

Not like it helped last year, anyway.

“Besides, you’re the one getting an English degree. You know shit.” Silky’s in the process of applying for master’s programs in English, something that seems completely bonkers to Vanessa. Who would even want to go to school to just write and write and write? But she knows Silky, and her goal of becoming a professor and getting her PhD. A doctor in her own way.

“True. At least I’m literate.” Silky starts snickering before Vanessa even catches what she’s saying.

“Bitch, you didn’t even know what ‘bradycardia’ meant the other day when I told you ‘bout my volunteering shift.” Vanessa swats at her side, Silky not even flinching.

“How the hell would I know that? All the fancy doctor speak. Normal folk like me don’t know that shit.”

“Whatever. Help me make these essays better.” Vanessa hands Silky another slice of pizza for good measure.

“Why don’t you submit a rap instead? Imagine performing it at the interviews.” Silky grins before taking a bite of the slice.

“Bitch, focus.” Vanessa snaps her fingers in front of Silky’s face (‘Alright, alright!’), before letting her read.

“Found your problem.” Silky’s proclamation comes after a lot of squinting at the computer screen, mostly because she hasn’t brought her glasses along with her.

Vanessa leans forward in her seat, eyes widening. “What?” What has she missed? What giant, glaringly obvious mistake has she made?

“It’s boring.”

Vanessa makes a face. “It’s a med school app, Silk, not a mystery thriller novel.”

“Nah, like - it’s interesting, sure, you talking about have you’ve done. But you gotta make it emotional. Tug at their heartstrings. Make them tear up or some shit while they read it, make them see why they have to let you in, because it’s your fucking destiny.”

“That’s a tad dramatic.” Vanessa looks back over at the screen, skimming over the paragraphs. “How do I make them cry over it?”

“Easy. Tragic backstory.”

“What?”

“Whether it’s real or not, doesn’t matter. Talk about how your grandpa died or some shit and the doctor was oh so wonderful while he was in the hospital and it made you wanna save lives. I dunno.” Silky shrugs, leaning back in her seat.

“My abuelo died before I was born-”

“Then come up with some other shit.” Silky gives her a look. “You’re weirdly creative sometimes. You can come up with something.”

“Isn’t that a bit exp-exploitive?” The thought makes Vanessa a bit uneasy. She doesn’t want to make up shit for the sake of making an admissions officer get emotional.

“Exploitative. And nah. It’s called gaming the system.” Silky almost looks proud of herself. “That’s what everyone else is doing.”

“Brooke didn’t do that.” At least, Vanessa thinks so. She hadn’t read the final drafts of her essays last year.

“Still. A little extra something something wouldn’t hurt.” Silky says it as if Vanessa needs to sprinkle more salt on her food, or something.

Vanessa sighs. At this point, Silky’s advice is her best option. She doesn’t know what else to do, anyway. “So what shall I come up with?”

“I dunno, bitch. Your mom’s a nurse, ain’t she?”

“Yeah.” Vanessa’s voice is curious, not quite sure where Silky is going with this. Why does it matter what her mom does?

“Come up with some emotional bullshit related to that. About how she pulled you towards the medical field.”

“I mean, she kinda did-”

“There we go! Talk about that first before all your fancy accomplishments. Butter them up.”

Vanessa casts an uncertain look at her computer. “Will they even care about that?”

“Bitch, you’re gonna make them care.” Silky grabs the last slice of pizza. “Now get writing.”

“You’re coming home for Thanksgiving, right? Otherwise I won’t make the pecan pie, you’re the only one who eats it.” Vanessa’s mom’s voice is muffled on the other end of the phone, the sounds of voices and beeps nearly drowning her out. “Another code blue. Damn, this one’s like the third of the day.”

“Yeah, gonna come home. I miss you.” It’s true, she does. No matter how much Vanessa doesn’t want to sound like a five year old, she misses her mom.

“You got a fever or something? You’re acting strangely loving, mija.”

Vanessa snorts. “What, a daughter can’t miss her mom every once in a while?”

“With you, it’s either that you want something or that something’s wrong. So which is it?”

“Neither. Nothing’s wrong. Just working on the essays.” The words on Vanessa’s computer screen are beginning to blur together, becoming one big wad of text that doesn’t have any meaning to her anymore.

“And how are those going?”

“Slow.” Vanessa sighs, resting her head on her folded arms. “What if there’s no point?”

“To what?”

“Applying.” Vanessa hates saying it, but it’s beginning to cross her mind more often than she wants it to. “What if I’m not going to get in again?”

“If you want it that bad you gotta keep trying, baby. Ain’t possible to reach a goal if you give up.” Vanessa’s mom’s voice softens on the other end of the phone, and it makes Vanessa wish that she was here with her, stroking her hair and making her hot chocolate like she used to do when Vanessa was a kid.

But can Vanessa even reach the goal? Is it even accessible to her? What if she just applies over and over, watching everyone move on around her and start their careers and just staying stuck in this purgatory, trying to chase a dream that was never meant to be hers?

Maybe it never will be.

If it was, she would have gotten it the first time around.

“Why wasn’t I good enough to get in the first try, Mama?” Vanessa nearly whispers the words, ones that she’s been holding back while trying to get through her fourth year and be happy for Brooke, because she deserves it, she does.

But it’s hard, it’s hard because Vanessa wants it so, so bad. Still wants it as much as Brooke did and she’s worked her ass off the same amount, too. Having it so close in her grasp, right there but not quite close enough makes Vanessa feel like she’ll never reach it.

Vanessa’s been trying, really trying to be okay with it. Convincing herself that it’s fine, really, that she didn’t get in. Because hey, she has the chance to finish her fourth year off, enjoy graduation with all of their friends. Apply to even more schools this time around.

But she feels behind.

It’s hard not to, when Brooke comes home every day talking about anatomical systems and things that they’ve learned in undergrad but except for her now it matters, because she’s on the path to becoming an actual doctor. It’s in her future.

Vanessa’s not there yet.

“Oh, baby.” Her mom’s voice is laced with sympathy and Vanessa almost hates it, because it just reminds her that she’s failed. “You are good enough. You are always good enough. There are so, so many people who apply to these damn schools, often with similar grades and accomplishments and it’s like a lottery, being picked. You are good enough, and it will be yours. I know this ‘cause of mom intuition. Trust it.”

Vanessa sighs. “You can’t predict the future, though.”

“And neither can you. So don’t start catastrophizing on me.”

“I’ll try.” They’re empty words, really. It’s hard. She hadn’t been good enough last year.

Is she really going to get there now?

“Remember cousin Penelope?” Vanessa’s mom cuts through the grey cloud of her thoughts. “The one in LA?”

“Who?” Vanessa really can’t remember but it’s not her fault, not really, when there are more cousins in her family than she can count.

“Physician. Has her own family practice down there. We went and stayed at her beach house when you were three.”

“How would I remember a vacation from when I was three, Mami?” Though the word physician keeps replaying itself over and over in her head.

Vanessa hadn’t known that she has a physician cousin. That’s useful.

Vanessa’s mom seems to be on the same page. “Maybe you can talk to her. Get some perspective, see what school she went to, if she knows any more that are worth applying. Apply to some in the States this year. Wouldn’t hurt. We got family on each coast, anyway.”

“Yeah, but-” Vanessa bites her lip. “I don’t wanna leave Ontario, not really.”

Could she? What would it mean? Not only for her, but for her and Brooke, her other half that she’s been together with for more than three years-

“No one’s saying you have to. But would it hurt? Just increases your odds for the better.”

“I guess.” It wouldn’t hurt to apply to more schools, not really. Sure, it’ll be a couple more essays and some more money down the drain for the application fees, but it’s more of a chance.

That things will work out the way Vanessa wants them to.

“Just give Penelope a call. See what she has to say. I’ll send you her number.”

“‘Kay.” A call Vanessa can do. Just to find out more about what’s out there for her, options wise.

Besides, it’s not like she’ll actually ever move to the opposite coast, right?

(now)

“Just tell us.”

“Tell you what? There’s nothing to tell.”

“Come on, Brooke.” Yvie’s voice sounds almost whiny from her spot in front of Vanessa in the line for Starbucks, where part of the neuro team is grabbing their morning coffee. “I haven’t seen you look this chill in like, ever.”

“Chill? We have an occipital tumour removal in 45, definitely not chill.” Brooke looks at the Starbucks menu, and Vanessa has to try to keep an incredibly straight face as she watches the sight unfolding in front of her.

“There’s something up. Or someone. Ooh, are you finally seeing someone?” Plastique rises on her tippy toes in excitement, though still barely only passes Brooke’s shoulder in height.

Yvie turns around to face Vanessa, nearly making her jump. “Hey, Vanessa. What do you think? Does Brooke look different to you than usual?”

Vanessa has to hold back a laugh at the sight of Brooke behind Yvie, the expression on her face screaming help help help. She keeps her tone light. “Ooh, I dunno. We gotta interact more at the hospital, Dr. Hytes, I can’t tell.”

“Aren’t you guys always fighting over something?” Plastique pipes in, grabbing her coffee from the cashier. “At least I hear enough yelling to tell. Though you guys haven’t fought in awhile, according to my eardrums.”

“We’ve, ah, found more productive ways to smooth over our disagreements.” Vanessa watches as Brooke lets out a muffled noise at her statement, and it’s all she can do to not crack up right then and there.

She’s going to mess with Brooke, though. Have some fun, as if they didn’t wake up in her bed this morning in each other’s arms, the best hours of sleep Vanessa’s had in ages. “Seeing someone new, Dr. Hytes?”

Brooke shoots her a look, though Vanessa can see the mirth behind her eyes. She’s having fun with this, too. “Not someone you would know, Dr. Mateo.”

“Are you sure? I know a lot of someones.” Vanessa grins when Brooke rolls her eyes good naturedly.

“You’re funny.”

“A regular comedian. Lord knows why I became a doctor, myself.”

Brooke shrugs, lifting the cup of coffee that the cashier hands her in Vanessa’s direction. “I’d come to your standup show.”

“Would you, now? Wouldn’t even have to pay for a ticket, I’d give you a VIP pass.” Vanessa’s missed stupidity like this, being able to just be silly with Brooke.

Brooke grins. “I’m a VIP now, huh?”

“Only sometimes.” Vanessa nudges Brooke’s side, tearing her gaze away from her for long enough to notice that Yvie and Plastique are looking between the two of them as if they each have three heads.

Brooke coughs. “Well, coffee. See you around, Dr. Mateo.”

Vanessa has to hold back a laugh, a task that only gets more difficult when Brooke does a thumbs up at her.

“Good luck with your procedure.” Her own coffee is ready, then, and she heads in the opposite direction towards the cardiac units after grabbing it. She wastes no time in pulling out her phone.

VM: real smooth there

BLH: THAT WAS A LOT.

VM: and HYSTERICAL

BLH: I’ll truly never live this down with them.

VM: u flashed me a thumbs up. absolutely iconic

BLH: What’s wrong with a thumbs up?

VM: the fact that u have to ask that speaks for itself

BLH: Yvie and Plastique keep asking why we got along just now…

VM: LOL

VM: I wonder if they’ll guess

VM: imagine

BLH: They’d lose their absolute minds. That would be hilarious, though.

They haven’t actually talked about the others, yet. If they’re going to say anything to anyone else.

Heck, they haven’t even talked about themselves. They went on a date last night and woke up in each other’s arms and no sex was involved and yet somehow, it had been one of the best nights that Vanessa’s ever had.

She wonders if Brooke feels the same way about it.

Brooke had woken Vanessa up with peppered kisses along her neck, her shoulder blades, making her hum with pleasure, and she doesn’t think she’s ever had such a nice 6:00 am wake up in her life. Brooke had wrapped an arm around her waist while they had eaten breakfast as if it was the easiest thing to do in the world.

Vanessa had forgotten how soft, how touchy Brooke is sometimes. How much she’s missed it, too. The feeling of leaning into Brooke’s touch, of being allowed to actually do so.

BLH: Tumour removal time. Wanna grab some food after work?

Vanessa bites her lip. She’d been planning to go to the hospital library after work, to look through things for their joint consult surgery that’s happening soon. There’s just something about the surgical plan that’s been bugging her, that she wants to double check. Iron out once she has the research background behind it. But it means a late night most likely, of combing through research articles and looking for specific information that’ll take ages. She can’t do it on the clock, either, when her day is so booked up with other procedures and documentation and consults.

But she wants to hang out with Brooke. Sure, they’ve just spent the last evening together, but Vanessa’s not tired of her. How could she be, when someone like Brooke feels so familiar, yet so new? Making Vanessa’s heart beat just a little bit faster, while at the same time feeling like comfort and home?

VM: gonna spend the evening holed up in the library going over stuff for our surgery :(( don’t want to but it’s so soon so gotta get it done

The three dots on Vanessa’s screen showing her that Brooke is typing make her uneasy. What if Brooke’s going to be upset with her, not want to hang out anymore? What if she hates her again?

BLH: Want some help?

Well.

VM: you’d do that??

BLH: Of course. Hey, cardio may not be my specialty, but it’s our joint surgery. I can help you comb through some research, if you need it. Be here to bounce ideas off of.

VM: are u sure?? A total time suck of the evening

BLH: Two heads are better than one, no? Plus I can spend more time with you, too.

BLH: If you’d want that, of course.

BLH: Your choice, but, the offer is there.

The flurry of texts make Vanessa smile. She can almost picture Brooke on the other end, her typing becoming more and more nervous.

VM: i’d like that :) thank u sm

BLH: Anytime.

VM: anyone tell u that you’re pretty great?

BLH: Nah, that’s you!

God, she’s got it bad for a certain blonde. Again.

“Hey.” Brooke collapses in the chair beside her, the library empty save for the two of them. “Sorry I’m late.”

Vanessa looks away from her computer screen, over at Brooke who’s shedding her lab coat on her chair. “Imma be here for a while, anyway, no rush. How’d your procedures go today?”

Brooke brightens. “Not bad. Got the tumour in the a.m., had a craniectomy in the afternoon. Morning tumour had no complications despite being ridiculously difficult to reach.”

Vanessa holds out a high five, sending Brooke a look when she doesn’t return it immediately, until she does, lifting up her hand and grinning. “Brainy queen. Literally.”

“Funny.” Brooke snorts, before looking at Vanessa’s screen. “So, what are we looking for?”

“I’m trying to find case studies on bovine mitral valves and how they hold up under unrelated surgical conditions, because this patient-”

“Wait.” Brooke holds up a hand to pause Vanessa’s spiel. “Bovine as in…cow?”

“Yes? Cow? Mitral valves from cows have often been used in mitral valve replacements in the heart-”

Brooke looks at Vanessa as if she’s suddenly lost her mind. “Cow heart valves?”

Vanessa snickers. “Damn, you really don’t remember anything from cardiology, do you? Valves from pigs have also been used in the past, when mechanical valves aren’t an option for a patient.“

“Pig heart valves?!”

“Oh my god, this is incredible.” Vanessa’s having way too much fun with this. She knows that cardio is not Brooke’s specialty, but seeing her look of absolute disbelief is way more entertaining than it should be.

“So they just…put those animal valves in for patients whose valves need replacing?” Brooke looks like she’s having her mind blown in the most hilarious possible way.

“Yup.” Vanessa pops her lips on the last sound. “We use mechanical ones too, but bovine or porcine ones are an older technique and often are taken to by the body much better.”

“Jesus. I don’t remember learning that in cardiology when taking it in school.”

“That’s ‘cause you didn’t specifically learn about cardiac surgery, being in neuro. And hey, there’s probably endless shit I don’t know about neurosurgery, either.” Vanessa pats Brooke’s shoulder. “Now c’mon, help me find some actually relevant research articles.”

“Okay, found this one by Yang et al about the structural integrity of bovine heart valves under strenuous circumstances-”

“Oooh, print that one.” Vanessa scoots over closer towards Brooke’s computer so that she can add to her pile of articles to sort through. “Maybe it’ll be relevant.”

Vanessa looks through the articles with a fine toothed comb, for something, anything to make her more secure about their joint procedure. Looking for ideas for contingency plans in case the patient’s heart issues go south during the surgery, due to his valve. She wants to be covered.

“Will do.” Brooke lets out a yawn as she clicks print, making Vanessa look down at her watch.

“Damn, it’s already ten. We’ve been here for awhile. You don’t have to stay any longer if you don’t want to, you know.”

Brooke gives her a look. “Are you kidding? Of course I’m gonna stay and help you out. Besides, it’s kind of interesting.”

“Yeah?” Vanessa raises an eyebrow. Cardio had never been Brooke’s favourite back in school.

Brooke shrugs. “Honestly, not being tested on it makes it better.”

“I feel that. The added pressure was something.” Vanessa thinks back to med school, when the pressure and the deadlines and the sheer amount of information that she had to take in nearly broke her brain. There were so many times during med school that she’d been so overwhelmed, tired, just wanting to come home. Telling herself that she just had a few years left until she could be free of tests and assignments and studying into the late hours of the night.

Though starting internship and residency hadn’t really been a break, either. The late night shifts, the crazy workload, the burnout.

If it hadn’t been for the payoff of being a cardiac surgeon, of getting to do what she’s good at and actually enjoys, she probably would have quit years and years ago. Gone into an easier field, maybe an office job, one that didn’t require endless schooling and training.

But she hadn’t had to. And neither had Brooke.

“What do you think med school would have been like, if we went together?” Vanessa can’t keep the question from slipping out of her mouth.

Brooke looks up at her sharply, questions upon questions in her eyes and Vanessa knows why, because they don’t talk about this, about what had happened back then and they’re in a good place now, so why should they?

But she wants to know. And Brooke answers.

“I’m not sure.” Brooke’s voice is soft, cautious. “You think we would have stuck it out the whole time?”

The question makes Vanessa pause. “I dunno. It sure would have made things different.”

“Yeah.” Brooke fiddles with the hem of her lab coat. “Imagine getting through the stress of four years of med school, one year of internship, and three years of residency without biting each other’s heads off.”

“Oh, c’mon.” Vanessa nudges Brooke. “We still wanted to bite each other’s heads off as soon as I started working here.”

Brooke can’t help but let out a laugh at that. “Good point.”

They sit in silence for a moment, and Vanessa can’t stop herself from peeking over at Brooke, at the way her scrubs look incredibly comfy to snuggle into. At the expression on her face that’s both pensive and bittersweet.

Vanessa gets it. It’s hard to know what they’ve lost, if they’ve even lost anything at all, from the way that things happened. Would they have ended up in their specific careers had they stayed together? Would Vanessa even have had the chance to become a cardiac surgeon if she hadn’t gone to LA?

She could have done it in a better way, though.

But it’s not something she wants to think about now, while she’s supposed to be sifting through research, preparing for the surgery. She can mull it over with a bottle of wine another time.

“Ness. Ness.”

Vanessa feels the hands running through her hair before she registers the soft voice by her ear. She blinks the sleep away, squinting under the harsh fluorescent lights of the library.

Brooke looks adorably rumpled, her mascara smudged under her eyes and her hair starting to come out of her bun.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Brooke smiles back, and Vanessa hasn’t seen her eyes crinkle like that since university, a fact which she files away to think about later.

Vanessa looks around the library, still as deserted, but now with rays sunlight streaming in through the windows. “Did we-”

“Fully fell asleep in the library, yep.” Brooke nods, looking at her watch. “It’s around 7:15. Still got some time before our shifts start.”

“Good. Imagine having to rush to our floors like this.” Vanessa tries to run her hands through her hair, intent on putting it up in a ponytail, but her fingers catch and tangle in her locks, making her wince.

“Good thing we’re in scrubs every day, at least we don’t look like we’re still wearing yesterday’s clothes, despite the fact that we fully are.” Brooke tugs in a lock of Vanessa’s hair. “Want me to braid it back?”

Vanessa makes a face. “It’s all tangled.”

“Don’t worry, I can be gentle.” Brooke’s voice is soft and so Vanessa gives in, nodding, and grins when Brooke’s face lights up. The feeling of Brooke’s hands in her hair waking her up had been soft, so incredibly soft and soothing and she definitely isn’t going to complain about feeling it again.

She can’t help but lean into Brooke’s touch as she starts combing through the tangles, and is almost disappointed when Brooke finishes her braid, letting it fall down her back.

“There. Gorgeous.” Brooke’s looking at her as if she matters, as if she’s pretty at seven in the morning, as if the two of them didn’t just fall asleep at a table with their faces buried in books, reminiscent of a time a decade ago when their problems were so, so, different.

Her words make Vanessa’s cheeks all warm, a blush rising on her face with equal parts happiness, and she knows the adoring look on Brooke’s face is mirrored on her own.

#rpdr fanfiction #branjie #brooke lynn hytes #vanessa vanjie mateo #lesbian au #hospital au #holtzmanns #nobody knows where we might end up

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seminalstudy · 5 years

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Hi everyone! I’m currently in the process of transferring to a new university and one of the biggest parts of that has been planning out and scheduling which classes to take my first semester, in hopes that I can graduate at the same time as people my age :’) As someone who’s planned how to graduate in three years not once but twice now, I figured I could share my experience and/or advice with anyone looking to maximize their college academics!

1. Establish a timeline: Ask yourself how many years you’re giving yourself to complete your degree as this will help you figure out how heavy your course loads will have to be to graduate at your expected time (this could be anywhere from 2 years to 5 or more). At my first college, I planned to graduate in three years in order to save money and because the school had easier academics, so I was confident I could handle the extra work. My new plan to graduate in three years is so I can graduate with other students my age, set your goal!

2. Now that you’ve established a broad timeline, it’s time to start looking at potential majors/minors and career tracks: Hopefully, this is something you’ve started looking at before applying to college, but don’t worry - it’s not too late! As someone going into college with the knowledge that I’d be taking out max loans each year, I tried to figure out what I wanted to do early on so I could maximize my credits ie take as many required classes as possible and not ‘waste’ credits on classes that wouldn’t really contribute to my degree (ofc I ended up changing my mind 3/4 of the way thru the year but that’s life). I narrowed my options down to 3 or 4 majors and managed to eliminate 2 of them pretty early on.

3. With at least one track in mind, research all the requirements to earn a degree in that area: Universities often have “general education requirements” regardless of your major, so you take classes in multiple disciplines and broaden your perspective. Course catalogs/general bulletins/college websites are where you can find info about your gen-eds and major-specific required courses. It’s really helpful to map this out by hand or in a spreadsheet program (I did it both by hand and with Excel to stay uber-organized). This is also where you can narrow down the majors you’re interested in by looking at the required courses and course descriptions. I considered a Data Analytics major early on, but after seeing how much coding was required (not a strong suit or interest for me) I could comfortably eliminate it.

4. Reach out to your advisor/navigator/registrar to clarify any questions: If you’re confused by any of the requirements for your major/gen-eds, talk to someone at the university. I feel bad for the numerous advisors I’ve had because I pestered them with questions so I could have a complete understanding of everything - it really helps in the scheduling process and I’ve never had a staff or faculty member be irritated by the questions - they love to help (plus it shows initiative and starts forming connections which is A+). Seriously, reach out if you’re confused, don’t just sit in the dark!

5. Map out required courses and pre-requisites: This is where Excel or Google Sheets can be your best friend - they make it really easy to keep track of what needs to be taken when. Some courses require a certain academic standing (sophomore, junior, senior) for you to take them, others require you to take several classes before you can register for it. Certain progressions of classes can really limit what your schedule looks like, so this step is incredibly important (and somewhat time-consuming).

6. Generate a slightly less vague timeline: Based on pre-requisites and required class standings, begin to assign classes to fall and spring semesters. Let’s say you have to complete a senior capstone in order to graduate, and you can only take it senior year, write it into the timeline. Maybe you need to take Math123 and Math124 for your major, but Math124 requires you to complete Math123 first. Place 123 into a semester and 124 in the semester following that. This doesn’t have to be exact, but it’s good to be aware of what your future schedule will look like, and what classes you need to take sooner rather than later (this is also time-consuming because you’ll find numerous variations in potential schedules).

7. Determine the courseload you’ll need to take: Some people luck out and have lots of AP/IB or like credits that will transfer into real college credit, helping to eliminate the number of classes you have to take (I was not such a person). You’ll generally receive a credit evaluation during the summer before the first semester so you can plan accordingly. Most advisors recommend taking 15-17 credits, but if you need to take more so you can graduate faster or less so you’re not overwhelmed, do what you need. I ended up taking the max credits allowed then over that, but that’s only because I was pushing so hard to graduate faster. This kind of ties into the last step, but you also need to evaluate your personal strengths and weaknesses.

8. Determine the courses that will maximize your first semester: Fun fact, your major requirements can often double-dip and count for your general education requirements too! Look at the pre-reqs for your higher-level classes and try to choose those that will open up the most classes, see which of your major required classes could count for gen-eds, such as humanities or science courses. If you’re between a few majors, look for classes that a required for them. For me, I was between a Business Administration or Sustainable Business major, so many of the requirements were the same. I took classes that could count for both, but if I wanted to go one way or the other, I wouldn’t be screwed over.

9. Try to balance the courses you NEED to take with those you WANT to take: I’m a humanities kind of gal (science has not been mon ami in the past) but both of my colleges require science and math classes. So, when I have to take a math and science course simultaneously, I try to add in some of the subjects I’m stronger in (history, english, etc) so that my GPA wouldn’t die. If you’re fortunate enough that affording college isn’t a concern, I’d personally say take as many courses that interest you as possible, but when financing a higher level education is more of an issue, complete your requirements but leave some space to explore your interests.

10. With a handful of courses in mind, look at actually scheduling your classes: With online registration, you can generally look at which classes are full, what times are available, etc. Are you really, definitely, for sure a morning person who can handle that 8am? Do you need a definite break for lunch? Will you be more productive in the mornings or evenings? Are there multiple profs for the class and does one have better ratings than the other? (ratemyprofessor.com is a lifesaver) Is there enough time outside of class to study/do extracurriculars/have a social life? Sometimes you’ll really need to take a class and it’ll be at some ungodly hour, but sometimes you gotta suck it up. Try not to overload one day with classes and make sure there’s enough time between classes to get to your next class, especially if your school has a large campus. This part is really based on personal preference, so enjoy it!

11. Give yourself time to do all of this: Especially for a first-year college student, there’s a lot already happening, and the opportunities are endless. It takes a lot of time to thoroughly research. This is a big process if you really care about being organized, and it can set you up for great success in college! All of these steps are really tied together but you’ll need more than one day (I took several weeks lol) to plan out a college career.

12. It gets easier: After doing this for just two semesters, I was much more comfortable making these big choices. For my new university, I managed to accomplish this in only a few days, but I was already familiar with the major I’m pursuing and how to lay everything out. For those of you continuing in college, consider mapping our the rest of your time if you haven’t already, and keep track of the courses you’ve taken and still need to take! This way, you won’t be thrown any loops when graduation comes.

Disclaimer: This advice is based purely off my own U.S. college experience which is undoubtedly very different from others! Ultimately, pursuing a higher-level education is your own personal journey, and do what you need to do to find success, this is just me trying to help out others!

If you have any questions about any of this, want to talk scheduling with me, or see my schedule planning notes and spreadsheets, just message me, I’m always willing to talk and even more willing to make friends!

-B

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cienie-isengardu · 5 years

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Anakin and Clone Troopers in Legends sources [2002-2005], part II

previous part: Anakin and Clone Troopers in Legends sources [2002 - 2005], part I

I talked before how Anakin’s POV presented in Legends books wasn’t often focused at situation of clone troopers, nor gave specific details about his personal relationship with them while narrative itself provided examples how Skywalker is usually the first (sometimes the only one) person to act to protect troopers during fight. In contrast to him, in Labyrinth of Evil or ROTS novel Obi-Wan’s POV is full of thoughts about clone troopers yet he rarely do anything to help them in need. What of course does not mean that one cares more than other and it’s more about limited space to show the readers the full extent of the relationship between Jedi and clones, especially in the face of more urgent events.

Jedi Trial is one of few sources that allows us to see Anakin without Kenobi for a longer period of time during war. This is very important story, mainly because Skywalker is still a padawan who wants to prove himself as a real Jedi and commander, even though Council is still against knighting him. Jedi Trial was written by David Sherman and Dan Cragg and was published in 2004. Both authors served in military, and I think they did good job with presenting Anakin’s first real steps as commander of GAR.

Before I focus at the details, I want to clarify one thing. The biggest problem with the novel is that, it was supposed to be set somewhere in second year of Clone Wars, what A) leaves little time for Anakin to became a respected commander on his own, not to mention gaining the title of Hero With No Fear and B) makes little sense overall, because Anakin fought the war since day one and by that alone he should have at least basic of military experiences by now. Also, after two years fighting alongside clone troopers, I think any person would made some connection with them. Frankly, I always thought that Jedi Trial was (should be) set in earlier period of time, because there is little informations that give the feeling of such gap in timeline. It’s why I see this story as study of Anakin’s military career and the beginning of his relationship with clones that should happened sooner than in second year of war.

Keeping that in mind, here is short summary: Kenobi was sent on special mission - Anakin, as padawan, stayed in Jedi Temple to train and study military strategies, where he very quickly befriended Jedi Master Nejaa Halcyon. Soon after that Jedi Council have chosen Halcyon to lead attack on Praesitlyn. When he was asked whom he wants as his second-in-command, he decided to take Anakin. Council wasn’t happy to hear that but Halcyon’s practical arguments changed their mind. To make sure the younger padawan will manage as a commander, Nejaa hired befriended Rodian mercenery, Grudo. From onward, the Rodian soldier (in the rank of sergeant major) accompanied and advised commander Skywalker through the course of story.

Due to length, I splitted the text into two parts. First is focused mainly at Jedi & GAR preparations for upcoming campaign (Anakin as freshly promoted commander) while second will focus on Skywalker during battles. Clone troopers unfortunately aren’t main heroes (the way captain Rex is in TCW, for example) but their presence is visible and has impact on Anakin. But to show it in fully, I’m gonna bring some other paragraphs too. Which is why the text grew in length so much.

So, let’s see how the story played:

Anakin, Halcyon and Grudo were busy with preparation for upcoming battle:

The next days passed in a whirlwind of activity. The two Jedi and their Rodian comrade soon began to work as a well-oiled team. Grudo followed Anakin everywhere, interjecting advice whenever appropriate, but otherwise not saying much. The clone infantry had been divided among several transports, in order to minimize their losses if a ship was hit, so the trio were kept busy moving among the ships. At night they met in Halcyon's stateroom to go over the details of the day.

One evening, Halcyon asked Anakin, "Are you familiar with the capabilities of the specialized troopers?" He was referring to the fifty clone commandos aboard the battle cruiser Teyr.

Anakin nodded, clone commandos were trained to be used for only the most dangerous missions, and as such were bred to possess a larger degree of independent thought and action than ordinary troopers. Equipped with highly advanced armor and weapons, they were capable of fighting successfully on their own, but with a Jedi commander their potential as an attack force was virtually unlimited.

"They're yours, then," Halcyon told him. "Take Grudo, go over to the Teyr, and get to know them."

Surprised and pleased, Anakin wasted no time getting a shuttle to the cruiser.

Earlier, he had taken charge of his division, met with his brigade, battalion, and company commanders, introduced himself to the troopers, inspected them in ranks, and asked probing questions about their armor, equipment, and weapons. Grudo had had him bone up on these things and read the readiness reports the division's commanders had submitted.

"You're their leader," he had said. "Soldiers don't respect a commander who doesn't know their weapons, equipment, and tactics better than they do. But remember this: all the clones are like brothers-twin brothers-and all clones think they're the best. They work best under their own officers; they wouldn't fight under me. Under you, yes, of course-you're a Jedi. But although they respect you as a Jedi, now you must show them they can respect you as a soldier like them. You have to show them before we go into battle that you know what you're doing."

Anakin had done his best, and Grudo had been impressed with his handling of the troops. Now, as he headed for the Teyr, he was feeling more confident, eager to meet the clone commandos who were to be his to command.

First, I really like how the book, in contrast to some others, doesn’t point time after time that troopers in question are clones. Nejaa, Anakin and Grudo refer to them the same way they would address “normal born” people. Which is pretty nice details that also works nicely with TCW books (”My men”)

Anakin is freshly appointed commander but he already has some knowledge about structures of GAR. He knows basic differences between common trooper and clone commando, including more independent characters of specialized troopers.

Skywalker spent a lot time before the battle on meeting with troopers (”he had taken charge of his division, met with his brigade, battalion, and company commanders, introduced himself to the troopers, inspected them in ranks”) and getting to know as much as possible about their equipment and weaponary (”asked probing questions about their armor, equipment, and weapons.”) but also study paperwork (”Grudo had had him bone up on these things and read the readiness reports the division's commanders had submitted.”). The last part is interesting because how often we hear about Jedi reading readiness reports or other stuff? I mean, Council usually is listening to someone giving report from the battle or after, but reading itself? There is so little information about paperwork in GAR, that clone troopers are doing apparently.

The older Jedi decided to give command over Republic Commandos to Anakin. Since Council is all the time against knighting Skywalker, it’s no surprise that Nejaa’s trust is so pleasing to him. This and Grudo’s praise for handling the troopers made Anakin much more confident in his own skills.

Also, Grudo doesn’t just praise him, he also gives important advices to Anakin. Clones will do what he will order because he is Jedi, but that does not give him automatically their respect. He must prove them he is worth soldier respect, that he is commander who knows what he is doing. Which is something that Anakin took to heart.

The captain in charge of the commandos called them to attention when Anakin entered their bay.

Anakin traded salutes with the captain. "At ease!" he commanded. He spread his legs slightly and clasped his hands behind his back as he scanned the soldiers before him. There were two sergeants in the group, judging by the green markings on their armor.

"I am Commander Anakin Skywalker," he began. "You have been assigned to the Second Division, which I command. You will serve as part of my headquarters battalion, under my personal direction. Captain, you will not report to or receive orders from any other officer during this campaign. I will assign you missions as required by the tactical situation on Praesitlyn. I will not ask you to do anything that I wouldn't do myself. Is that clear?"

"Arrrrruuuhh!" the troopers shouted in unison, coming to attention with a loud slamming of boots on the deck. The compartment echoed with their shouts.

The captain permitted himself a slight smile. "My troopers are ready, sir!" he reported.

Anakin glanced at Grudo, whose face was pulled down in the Rodian smile. "Captain, have the troopers fall out and fall in by their assigned bunks. I wish to inspect their armor, weapons, and equipment."

Anakin spent the rest of the night inspecting the troopers. He found no dust, grease, or dirty weapons. Throughout the inspection, the captain followed Anakin with a datapad at the ready, but he was never told to enter anything.

On the way back to the Ranger, Grudo leaned over and told Anakin, "You did a good job with that inspection. You looked at everything you should, and weren't petty, like some might have been. The troopers appreciate that. They'll fight well for you, I can tell."

Feeling his chest swell with pride and excitement, Anakin swiftly ran through the Jedi Code in his mind: There is no emotion; there is peace... A Jedi does not act for personal power... He was here to do a job-and what was more, a job that would cost soldiers their lives. He would do well to remember his training, he told himself. He was a Jedi, and he would do the Order proud. Taking a deep breath, he reached out to the Force, seeking serenity...

The first meeting between Anakin and the clone commandos who are gonna serve under his command went well. Grudo praised Skywalker for that he “looked at everything you should, and weren't petty, like some might have been” during inspection.

Looking how “The captain permitted himself a slight smile”, I think the leader of commandos shared Grudo’s opinion as well.

What is also interesting, we see Anakin (Jedi commander) trading salutes with the captain. Frankly, I’m not sure if any movie or animated series showed something like that - beside one scene with Kanan and old captain Rex. Comics sources aren’t better in that matter. Usually clone troopers, if ever, are meet with Jedi-like bow of head. It’s nice detail, because Anakin (the Jedi) adapted into military regulation (custom) that clone troopers use on daily basis. Even the pose “at easy” he took after salute is very military-like (albeit he keep similar pose during AotC). I guess, those little details add authenticity to Rex’s words how Anakin, despite being Jedi, feel like true soldier.

Grudo’s praise is a source of pride and excitement; what kind of 20 years old human wouldn’t feel so good in Anakin’s place? At the same time, Skywalker is keeping himself as calm as possible, because war is not a game, and soon many troopers may die because of his orders. Even though Council distrust him for years, he still wants make Jedi Order proud.

After that we have a scene in which old Quartermaster is telling commander Skywalker in great details about logistic.

I talked more about it here, but I feel it’s worth to mention that A) Anakin is trying to get hold of all aspects of how army is working and takes seriously duties of commander - not just the planning battles and leading people into fight. Which I think is much more than Jedi commanders / generals usually did. Or at least, we rarely see them worrying about logistics or anything beside the battle itself. Most likely the clone commanders are the one who take care of such matters. Anakin (as Jedi officer) may be one of few exceptions to rule, and most likely he continues doing so since preparation for Praesitlyn. What may brings him closer to clone troopers, as a Jedi who fullfill all commander duties, not only those battle-related. The final advice of Grudo is that:

"Don't be the kind of commander who leaves the details to others," Grudo had warned him. He wouldn't.

So, Skywalker’s preparation before battle is summed by this:

In fact, Anakin had been a phenomenally quick study in the art of command, throwing himself into the task every waking hour of each day the fleet was in transit. He had immersed himself enthusiastically in all aspects of military management, as well.

Now, let’s see how he (and clone troopers) were doing during getting to and settling on Praesitlyn.

Anakin paced the bridge of the Neelian, clenching and unclenching his fists as he observed the battle cruisers deploy into attack formation. "I should be out there with them," he muttered.

"No, you belong here," Grudo answered. "That's the plan; everyone agreed to it-you agreed. Commanders, too, must follow orders. Once the battle plan is approved, everyone must follow his or her orders. That way, everything works according to the plan. Please, sit. You're making the crew nervous."

At that moment Captain Luhar, the Neelian’s captain, glanced up at Anakin. He patted the gravity couch beside him. "Commander, have a seat."

Reluctantly, Anakin lowered himself onto the couch. "I hate just sitting here," he grumbled.

“You'll have action soon enough," Luhar replied. He was sure about Anakin, whom he felt might be too young and inexperienced--Jedi or not-to be second in command of a fleet. He hoped that nothing would happen to General Halcyon. "Increase magnification," he ordered his navigator. Immediately the Ranger came into sharp focus on the viewscreens. "She's a beautiful little ship," Luhar said.

One of the biggest difficulties for commander Skywalker was sitting and waiting, while others were fighting. Which most likely was mix of his natural impulsiveness & loyalty AND the fact that from the start of war he fought on first line of fire. The feeling he should be fighting alongside soldiers instead of sitting in relative safety may never have left him for good. But at the same time, Anakin was trying hard to adjust to new position, to prove his young age and inexperience will not handicapped him.

Anakin needed to prove himself to troopers and experienced military commander alike. Like we can see with Luhar, the captain did have valid reason to be worry about serving under such young second-in-command of fleet. It wasn’t anything personally, really, but the military (non cloned) officers had their objection to serve with Jedi commanders and generals. Frankly, the same can be said about admiral Yularen from The Clone Wars animated series. I’m really glad for such details.

Luhar nodded. "It's a strong defensive formation, sir. But we'll break it by lining up in a column three ships abreast and attacking at speed. Our ships will concentrate on one side of the square at the same time, in echelon, like a set of moving stairs, to bring the concentrated firepower of our entire battle fleet to bear against that one sector. That's when we go in. Once we're through, we'll disperse the remaining enemy vessels and destroy them individually. Have you ever been in a battle fleet engaged against an enemy, sir?" They'd been over this plan innumerable times, but he knew Anakin would be comforted discussing it again, only minutes before it was to be put into action.

Anakin nodded. "Yes," he said, "but not from the bridge, not watching everything unfold. I got this-" He tapped his prosthesis. "-in individual combat. Have you ever gone one-on-one against someone who was out to kill you, Captain? Have you ever killed anyone up close?"

"Can't say as I have. It's the commander's job to get others to do the killing, not to go in and do it himself."

Anakin shot him a look, suddenly annoyed with the captain - from his tone, it seemed to the young Jedi that he didn't consider individual combat much above the level of starship pilots brawling in a tavern.

The officer was trying his best to comfort / be nice for (too young in his opinion) commander Skywalker, yet Luhar’s comment (attitude) about individual combat (scars/injures) annoyed Anakin.

I think we may all agree that comment “It's the commander's job to get others to do the killing, not to go in and do it himself.” is an opposite of Skywalker’s style of leadership.

Anakin concentrated on controlling himself. Drawing on his Jedi training, he slowed his heartbeat and made himself relax. He knew he shouldn't have taken Captain Luhar's remark so personally. It was only natural for these older military professionals to question his ability to command them: they had minds of their own and a long list of campaigns to prove their coolness in combat. He would just have to prove he could do it. He deepened his breathing, forced the tension out of his muscles, and put all troubling thoughts out of his mind. Now he could more clearly observe the activity on the bridge. The crew were going about their duties quietly, with the confidence born of long experience. He switched his viewing console to cover the deployment formation of his transports. They stretched out in columns far behind the Neelian. Escort ships, alert for any approaching danger, cruised about the periphery of the transport columns in apparently aimless courses, but Anakin knew that the commanders of those ships were actually very carefully patrolling their assigned sectors, alert for any approaching danger. Even if they totally destroyed the enemy fleet-and that seemed inevitable now-if anything happened to the troop transports, the expedition would be a total failure.

Instead of arguing with captain Luhar, Anakin did his best to control himself. He accepted that older, more experiences commanders will question his ability to command them. This is a sign of maturity that some sources like to omit.

During space battle, general Halcyon was unable to oversee Republic forces, so the responsibility for landing and securing area fell on Skywalker:

"The Ranger's been hit!" Anakin shouted. Everyone on the bridge started.

"I believe you're right." Captain Luhar leaned forward. Then he looked at Anakin. "Commander, that means-"

"Sir! Message from the Ranger. She reports her propulsion unit is damaged and they have been boarded. General Halcyon directs Commander Skywalker to assume command of the fleet and to commence deploying the landing force."

"Look there!" another crew member shouted. "She is being boarded." On the screens they could just make out a dim shape attached to the Ranger's stern. "There's another one."

"They're skirmisher ships," the captain announced. "The enemy commander's put them out in advance of his position to ambush us. Blasted things remained cloaked until they attacked. Comm, warn the rest of the fleet. Commander, shall I give the order to land the landing force?"

Anakin struggled to control his emotions. He was in charge now, and he would be every bit the commanding officer.

“Thank you, Captain. Please give the order to land the transports. Inform General Halcyon's deputy division commander that he is now in command of his division and, until further notice, I shall be field commander in place of General Halcyon." He turned to the Rodian. "Grudo, our troopers are ready for battle. Let us join them."

Anakin stood before the screen for a moment. Smoke, debris, pain, and fear-he could see it all. But Halcyon was alive and fighting. Anakin smiled. Too bad for you, boarders, he thought. He tried to send a thought to Halcyon: Good luck. As he and Grudo made their way back to the flight deck he realized how little he had used the Force since they'd set out from Coruscant.

Anakin works pretty good under pressure, or at least under pressure during battle. He believed in general Halcyon and wished him good luck via Force. Interestingly, since he set out from Coruscant he did use the Force little. So I guess, adjusting into his new role (military) was more absorbing than Jedi training.

He was planning - and did - join troopers as soon as it was possible.

Our troopers are ready for battle, commander Skywalker said to sergeant major Grudo.Once again, our troopers, the lack of “clone” is Anakin’s constant way to adress / think about clones.

Using ground-skimming navigation, Anakin expertly guided the troop landing craft, letting it roar along at a scant ten meters above the ground. Grudo sat strapped into the copilot's seat, gripping the armrests as Anakin delicately shifted the steering yoke just enough to clear the top of a hill that flashed beneath them. "Just missed that one, Grudo! Check our troopers, would you?" He was delighted to be flying the transport, and perversely amused that at last he'd found something that made the Rodian soldier nervous.

Glad to have an excuse to take his eyes off the terrain that was whipping past too close beneath them, Grudo slid the cabin door open and glanced back at the fifty clone troopers strapped into the troop compartment. They sat there calmly, silently, as if they were riding a bus to a picnic. The platoon commander glanced at Grudo and gave him the thumbs-up sign. Grudo turned back to Anakin.

"The troopers are doing well. Can you slow down a bit, or do you enjoy giving me heart failure?"

Anakin personally piloted the troop landing craft, to Grudo’s horror. To make it easy for Rodian soldier, Skywalker asked to check “our troopers”. The narration made it clear, all troopers were in fact clones. Like I said earlier, Anakin’s lack of emphasis on the world “clone” is interesting detail, especially compared to other characters like Obi-Wan.

Anakin’s task was done so it was time to meet Slayke:

The flag of the Republic wrapped around his neck, Zozridor Slayke leapt gracefully over the ramparts the labor droids were erecting and looked around. His heart raced. For almost as far as he could see the sky was full of landing craft; others, already landed in vast clouds of dust and sand, were disgorging squads of armored troopers. An older human male with brown mustaches and brilliant blue eyes looked up as Slayke approached and nodded to his companions, who appeared to be studying maps or plans. They turned as one and stared at the battle-scarred figure rapidly approaching, a huge grin on his face.

Slayke stopped before the older man, came to attention, and saluted him smartly. As his hand came up to his right brow at a rorry-five-degree angle a tiny cloud of dust puffed off his arm. “Captain Zozridor Slayke, commanding the force opposing the separatist invaders of Praesitlyn, sir. I hereby offer my full assistance in your campaign to liberate this world."

The older man, an embarrassed expression on his face, slowly returned Slayke's salute and said, "Well, I'm here to tell you!" He gestured at a Jedi standing next to a-a Rodian?

"Who is that?" Slayke asked, startled.

Anakin stepped into full view. "Jedi Anakin Skywalker, Captain Slayke. I'm in command of the landing force. This," he said, nodding at Grudo, "is my sergeant major. I am very pleased and honored to make your acquaintance. "

Slayke looked over at the older man he'd mistaken for the commander, but that gentleman shrugged.

"The Republic's so low on soldiers they're robbing the cradle now, eh? " Slayke slammed a fist into his thigh. A cloud of dust puffed up. "What was your name again, Jedi General?"

I kinda find it interesting that Anakin was accompanied just by quartermaster and sergeant major, not the higher ranked officers. Sadly, no clone commander either, but in time when the first clone wars books were written, clones rarely get much attention.

Of course, Skywalker’s young age become misleading and Slayke looked down on Republic, claiming it’s so low on soldiers to “robbing the cradle”. Side note, Ahsoka was much much younger than Anakin when she became commander. In a sense, Slayke was right, Republic sent much younger people in battles. Ahsoka most likely meet with a lot hostility for her (too) young age too. So this experience could give Anakin a better understanding of his future padawan.

"Anakin Skywalker, sir." Anakin bowed slightly at the waist. "And it's Commander, not General. Sir, I have heard a lot about you and am honored-"

"Look, Jedi Commander Anakin Skywalker, I have only about two thousand soldiers left of all those who landed here with me. We fought them hard and upset their plans. But you're honored? Don't talk to me of'honor,'Jedi. We're nothing but blood, guts, and sweat here and-" He shook his head as he looked over the landing force. "If there's anything more useless in this galaxy than a Jedi's brain, it's a clone trooper. They're one step above a droid-in fact, I'd prefer droids over these ugly clones anytime. You can't tell clones apart, and they all have the same personality."

Anakin tried to stay calm and polite, Slayke is not impressed. He insulted Jedi and had even lower opinion on clones. Called clone troopers useless, ugly, too-alike and a bit later in the same meeting, an army of test-tube soldiers.

Sadly, anti-clone sentiment is nothing new.

"Now, see here!" the older officer protested. "We've heard quite enough from you, Slayke. I'm here to tell you!"

"Who is this, since he's not the general?" Slayke asked Anakin.

"My quartermaster, Major Mess Boulanger."

Slayke roared with laughter and pointed a finger at Boulanger. "You mean I was dumb enough to try to report to a blasted box kicker? Oh, that's rich! Well, Major, rather you commanding this force than this beardless wonder here."

Anakin held up a hand. "Captain Slayke, right now I'm busy landing my troops. We're going to establish a defensive position. I suggest you remove your forces to this spot and consolidate with us. As soon as General Halcyon joins us--”

Slayke groaned and slapped his forehead. "Halcyon, did you say? Nejaa Halcyon? He's commanding this fleet?"

"Yessir. As soon as he joins us-"

Slayke laughed. He turned his eyes skyward and raised both arms over his head. "Why is this happening to me!"

"Captain, I know you and General Halcyon, er, had some, uh, differences once-"

"Oh, you do, do you, young beardless Jedi?" Slayke laughed louder. "I never met the man." He scowled. "I was too busy stealing his ship. So the best the vaunted Republic can do is send me a boy and a certifiable idiot with an army of-of - test-tube soldiers," he sneered.

"We'll do," Anakin said shortly, controlling his annoyance with effort.

"All right! All right!" Slayke held out both palms. "I'm going back to my troops. You see that slight rise over there? That's my command post. When General Halcyon gets here, you and him come on over and we'll talk I'm the one who's been fighting the droid army. You want to know what it's been like, you come on over and see me." With that, he spun on his heel and stomped off. Whew," one of the officers standing nearby sighed. "He's what we call a hard case where I come from."

"Well," Anakin answered slowly, "he has been through a lot. Did you hear what he said? He only has two thousand soldiers left of the army that landed here with him? That's a fantastically heavy casualty rate! No wonder he's bitter." He turned to his officers. "Let's land the rest of our force, and when General Halcyon gets here, we'll go on over and pay Zozridor Slayke a formal visit."

I must say I really like the maturity seen in Anakin through the story. He was annoyed by Slayke’s behaviour but did his best to not argue and kept focused at task, while at the same had empathy for the other man who lost so many men and most likely just lashed out at Jedi in anger/pain.

The meeting between Anakin, Neeja and Slayke was even more intense, since older Jedi and Slayke had their unfinished bussiness. I’m not going talk about the whole scene, but here are few compelling moments:

"I see you've dragged him along, too," Slayke sneered, nodding at Grudo, who was trying to remain inconspicuous at the rear of the crowd.

"Grudo goes where I go-that's the way it's going to be," Anakin answered at once.

"My, my, this sprout certainly has a mind of his own." Slayke chuckled. "I like soldiers who have minds of their own-they're much harder to steal than, say, someone's starship." He laughed enormously.

“Grudo goes where I go - that’s the way it's going to be” - let’s remember Anakin is second-in-command of the whole GAR forces on the planet and Grudo is A) alien and B) much lower in rank. Yet Anakin really respected Rodian soldier’s teaching and advices and dragged him literally everywhere he went. Republic was not so racist like Empire, but GAR (especially those now under Neeja’s command) were mainly human beings so he stood out pretty much. This is something that always makes me think about captain Rex from TCW. I have the feeling Anakin dragged him too into meetings in which some people did not want a clone between them but Rex stayed because Anakin wouldn’t allow it other way. Skywalker already proved he does not care much for “etiquette” or if other officers will joke. If he respects (befriends) someone, be it a soldier with lower rank, then said person will be accompanying him and end of discussion.

"You can call me what you like, as long as you mean sir. I was sent here by the Senate to take command of this operation, and take command I will. You will place your remaining troops under me. While I value your opinion and look forward to hearing your advice, I'll make the final decisions on any plans for the employment of this army, is that clear?"

Anakin realized instantly that Halcyon had taken the wrong approach with Slayke, but held his tongue. There was more going on here than the mere execution of orders.

Slayke leaned back in his chair and puffed out his cheeks. Well, that's a mighty big speech from a guy"-he leaned forward across the table-"who can't even keep his pocket from being picked." He grinned evilly.

Halcyon still refused to be drawn in. "Captain, I have the authority of the Senate-"

Tell them to kiss my sweet toes," Slayke retorted. “- I have a fleet in orbit and I have an army of fresh troops-"

"Blasted faceless clones," Slayke spat, "Look around you! This is an army-these are soldiers, battle-hardened veterans who've withstood the worst the enemy has thrown at them and still have fight in them! You think your clones can match spirit like that? Ha!" He placed his hands behind his head. A susurration of agreement swept through Slayke's assembled staff officers. "And, I might add, you took your sweet time getting here!"

Anakin may not like Halcyon approach, but he keep silent as good padawan should.

Slayke is still and asshole when it comes to clones. His staff officers to some degree agree with his opinion about that.

"My flagship was scuttled and most of her crew killed when we broke the cordon and restored communications, Captain," Halcyon answered, his voice flat and hard.

"Yes? And while you were taking your time getting here, we were fighting and I lost thousands of good troops! Do you think any of us care in the least about your flagship's crew?" Slayke's face had flushed with anger. "We didn't have the 'Force' to help us, either. I suppose you called on it to extricate yourself?" He sneered.

"Yes, and this." With one smooth motion made so fast nobody-not even Anakin-saw it coming, Halcyon drew his lightsaber and activated it. The onlookers gasped at the sight of the brilliant blade of pure energy.

Slayke's eyes narrowed and his body tensed, but he didnt move or even show any degree of surprise. "Any more tricks?" he asked in a normal voice.

Halcyon deactivated the lightsaber and hooked it back onto his belt. "I rather like these things," he said pleasantly, patting the weapon affectionately. "They come in handy when you're outnumbered a hundred to one. You were saying?" He smiled engagingly. Slayke laughed. "I have to admit, I'm coming to admire your style!"

At that point Anakin lost his patience with the verbal sparring. "We don't have much time to get organized," he interrupted. "Let's get on with our strategy session. What happened on Bpfassh was then; this is now. Let's put that behind us and concentrate on the job at hand." He paused, letting them see the dark fury in his eyes. Both Halcyon and Slayke stared at him.

"Well..." Slayke leaned back and regarded Anakin for a moment. "Yessir!" He gave a casual salute.

Halcyon cleared his throat. "He's right, Slayke," he said. "We've got to cooperate-" Halcyon's personal comlink interrupted him. "This must be something important. Excuse me, please."

There is something really ironic and hilarious at the same time, that when two older, more experienced battle-wise men argued and fight for, well, a dominance, +/-21 year old Anakin is a voice of reason in room full of veterans. And the only one brash to actually call both men on wasting time over something that happened in past instead of focusing at job at hand. The older Jedi and Slayke actually came to term with each other and the unexpected holo-transmittion related to captured personel of Intergalactic Communications Center on Praesitlyn only solided their alliance.

Soon later, the three men worked together on battle plan to take control over Praesitlyn:

Drawing up a battle plan is no easy task. It has to be both detailed and concise, but at the same time flexible enough to accommodate the instant changes required by a fluid battlefield situation. Halycon's operations officer was given the task, under Anakin's supervision, of writing the plan. Each staff specialist in Halcyon's army was given a portion of the plan, an "annex" to execute: the personnel chief, operations chief, chief surgeon, intelligence chief, ordnance chief, the artillery, infantry, armor, and air commanders, and last but hardly least, quartermaster and transportation-none other than old Mess Boulanger. Each portion of the plan would be integrated into the whole. Time was short, however, and nobody could quite agree on the best course of action.

After several hours it finally got down to two basic approaches.

"Frontal assaults are out of the question," Slayke roared. "You ought to know that an attacking force incurs casualties at a rate of at least three to one against a fortified position. That's what he's hoping for, so he can cut us down to size!"

"I know, I know," Halcyon replied. "I'm just advising a feint at his center while a strong force swings around one of his flanks. Grab him in the center of his line, hold him fast, make him think that's our main axis of attack, and hit him around the flank and come down on his rear."

"How about a vertical envelopment?" Anakin suggested. "We have the transports. We could land a force in his rear and attack from there, while our main force advances on the center of his line."

Slayke cocked an eyebrow "What do you think?" he asked Halcyon.

"I don't know," the Jedi Master replied cautiously. "What's his anti-aircraft capability?"

"We've made an assessment," his intelligence officer responded. "We sent remotely piloted vehicles over his lines an hour ago in anticipation of this question, sir. We sent several-none came back - But they transmitted enough information for us to determine that his anti-air defenses are particularly dense. We spotted quad laser cannons, as well as ion cannons that they must have off-loaded from their ships and installed as air defense weapons. We estimate at least thirty-five percent casualties just going in, Sy--and even higher casualties coming back out."

"Prohibitive," Slayke said softly. "I'm sorry, Anakin, vertical envelopment won't work. I think the only viable tactic is to swing around one of his flanks." Which had been Halcyon's opinion from the beginning.

"Don't forget, he can reinforce every part of his line on a very short axis, while we'll have a much longer way to go to move troops and supplies, especially if we're successful in getting around one of his flanks," Anakin pointed out.

Slayke nodded approvingly. "The young Jedi is becoming a strategist."

Halcyon smiled. "Anakin is a man of many surprising talents."

Slayke laughed. "Anakin, you just may have a future in this trade."

Anakin was trusted with difficult and very important tasks, both by older Jedi and Slayke. What is pretty nice, because I don’t think we see that often when he was around his master and other “important” Jedi.

At the same time, the lack of clone commanders is disturbing. Of course, narrative may simply not put emphasis on the world “clone” and those mentioned chiefs are in fact clones but I have feeling it may be not the case.

Of course, before any battle plan will be used, there is need for reconnaissance:

Then we'll follow the plan to attack the center simultaneously with a strong force swinging around his flank," Halcyon said. "But first we've got to know how strong his positions are."

“I have just the man," Slayke said. "Omin, front and center! Sergeant L'Loxx is one of the best recon men in the business. He'll probe their lines and find any weaknesses there might be."

The sergeant approached the officers and came to attention. Halcyon stood and shook his hand. "It's nearly midnight, Sergeant L'Loxx. Can you complete a reconnaissance of the enemy line by dawn?"

"I can't do the whole line in the same night, sir," the sergeant answered, "but yessir, I'll reconnoiter wherever you want and be back here well before dawn. I can be ready in fifteen minutes."

"Let's send three probes, then-center, left, and right. But I think we should send clone commandos," Anakin said.

"Begging your pardon, sir, but I'm the best there is for this job, only I can't do the whole line myself. Give me whatever sector you want and I'll get the information you need."

"Very well. Sergeant, you take the right flank." Aside, Halcyon told Anakin, "You select commandos to do the center and left flank," Then back to L'Loxx: "The former strongpoint Izable will be your jumping-off place, and that'll be where you'll come back through our lines. How many troopers will you need?"

"Just me, sir."

"Only yourself?" Halcyon looked at Slayke, who shrugged. "What if something happens, Sergeant? How will we get your report?"

"Nothing will happen to me."

"I'd like to go with him," Grudo said, stepping up beside where Anakin was sitting.

"Ridiculous!" Slayke snorted.

"A Rodian should be good on patrol, sir," Sergeant L'Loxx said. "They're experts at getting into places where they arent wanted-and getting back out again."

Anakin nodded. "Grudo's in, then."

"We want to go, too," someone said. It was one of the guards from the Neelian, Corporal Ram Raders.

Halcyon stood up quickly. "What is this? I send out one man on a recon, and half my army wants to go along. We may as well mount the assault right now without any idea what's out there. No, and that's final." He sat down.

"Please, sir," Raders pleaded. "That's the sort of thing we're good at. Besides, all we're doing here is standing around. We can be a great help to the sergeant."

"I'll take them," Sergeant L'Loxx said. "If I'm not satisfied with how they move, I'll leave them at Izable. But that's it. Four's maybe too many as it is."

"Very well," Halcyon said. "Anakin, coordinate all this with the clone commandos. All of you meet back here in fifteen minutes for a briefing."

Up until now there was little about Anakin and clone troopers. A disappointment, I know. But here comes the interesting details:

Understable, Slayke has L'Loxx’s skill in high regard. Anakin is the only one officer that actually thought about sending clone commandos. L'Loxx disagrees, saying he is the best person to do the job. Halcyon agrees to Anakin’s idea to sent more troopers to check three enemy positions. He also allowed Skywalker to chose clone commandos for the mission, since commandos are under his command. Anakin’s thought why clones should go is not explained. Maybe it is his faith in his men, maybe pragmatic thinking since those men are commandos and such missions should be their speciality. Whatever reason, Skywalker is like the only one officer between the main heroes who take into account clone commandos and we know for sure is interacting with them off-panel.

The next paragraphes of book are focused at L'Loxx’s team. Grudo’s presence actually was useful but during mission the troopers met two survives of the last battle and Odie (another protagonist) shot Grudo thinking he was the enemy.

"Grudo's shot real bad," Corporal Raders said. "She hit him in the side of his head. Blast you people! What the-" He stopped abruptly as he took in the pair.

"I-I-we-we were trapped in a bunker, sir. II thought you were the enemy. My buddy is badly hurt, too. I-I'm sorry about your soldier. I-"

L'Loxx turned and knelt beside Grudo. The side of the Rodian's head gave to his probing fingers, but he was still conscious. His one good eye blinked in the gunlight. He tried to say something, but it came out as only noise.

"Let's wait for the ARC troopers," Raders suggested. "They can help us carry him back to the aid station. There's nothing we can do for him here."

"If we don't get him back right now he won't make it, and after what he's done this night, we're not waiting. You two," L'Loxx said, indicating Odie and Erk, "give us a hand."

"Sir, my buddy is badly burned-he can't help carry anyone."

"Okay, you help him along; we'll handle Grudo ourselves. And stop calling me sir, I work for a living-hey! I know you two! You're from General Khamar's army. We came in together. I don't remember your names, but I found you two out in the desert-"

"Sergeant L'Loxx," Odie gasped.

"How're you doing?' Erk asked from where he lay.

"I remember now," L'Loxx said, "they sent you up to Izable after we came in together. Well, I'll be-"

"Sergeant, let's get moving? We can talk when we get back to our lines," Raders suggested.

In moments they had rigged a stretcher from a net Odie found in her equipment belt and two long durasteel rods they wrenched from the ruins of a bunker. Carrying Grudo over the rough ground was easier than they'd expected.

I feel like the book confuses ARC and Clone Commandos.

So, one of troopers actually suggested to wait for clones so they could help to carry an injured Grudo but L'Loxx disagreed, saying Rodian needs help ASAP; especially after how useful he was to mission, the man did not want to wait any longer.

We may only wonder would L'Loxx be so in hurry to left behind other troopers to save injured teammate if said troopers weren’t clones. On one hand, earlier paragraphs provided that Slayke and his men were biased against clones. On another, this is hard situation and soldiers sometimes must make diffucult decisions who save, for who wait and who leave.

Sergeant L'Loxx came to attention and saluted Halcyon.

"Make your report, Sergeant."

"We didn't wait for the other teams to come in, sir, because I had two wounded and had to get them to the aid station. Their right flank is vulnerable, sir." He moved to a three-dimensional display. "First, this hill on the far end of the line is only lightly defended. I think they're counting on the rocks at the foot of the hill to break up any assault. Second, I didn't see any crew-served weapons up there.They haven't brought in artillery. And finally, I have reason to believe lack of maintenance might be reducing the droid fighting force. We put them through some exercises, and they'll lose combat strength through breakdowns."

L'Loxx did report they did not wait for other teams to come in because they had two heavily wounded that needed help ASAP.

The commanders had thus only one raport to base on their plan attack.

"Who was wounded?" Anakin asked.

"I'm afraid the Rodian, sir."

"How badly?"

"Very badly, sir. But let me add this: we wouldn't have made it back with this information if it hadn't been for him. He stayed behind long enough to give the rest of us a chance to get some distance between us and the droid lines. I want to add also, sir," he said, turning to Halcyon, "that your two guards are solid soldiers. They held up their end."

"Well, who's the other wounded trooper, then?" Slayke asked. Briefly L'Loxx explained about Odie and Erk. "I remember them. She went to Izable with the lieutenant," Slayke said.

"She's the one who shot Grudo," L'Loxx told Anakin. "In the dark and the confusion she thought we were the enemy. It was just one of those situations nobody could have anticipated. It happens, sir. Friendly fire."

"Very well, then." Halcyon had made his decision, "It's zero four hundred hours now. Commander Skywalker, at zero six hundred I want you in position to attack that right flank. Use Sergeant L'Loxx as your guide. Take two brigades of your division. Leave the third in reserve under the command of Captain Slayke."

"Shouldn't we wait for the commandos to report, sir?" Halcyon's operations officer asked.

“I’ll be interested to hear what they've found out, but no. This-" He pointed to the display. "-is the pivotal point in our assault, and we'll attack there. I'll take my division and attack the center. I'll wait until you're in place before I commence my attack, Commander Skywalker. You wait ten minutes after I move forward before moving in. I believe during that time the enemy will bring in troops from his wings to reinforce his center. We've given him two artillery barrages so far tonight to soften him up, or I hope he thinks so, and when we hit him again while my division moves into position, he'll see that as the main attack, I'm sure of it. I think we might just carry this off." He turned to his operations officer. "Issue the order to all commanders."

Of course, Anakin is the one asking who was wounded. Though in this case, he could be simply worried about his close friend, Grudo. The narrative does not tell how the news affected Skywalker nor how he reacted to fact Grudo was shot by “friendly fire”. We aren’t told of any sign of anger or Dark Side-like emotions but his vocal participation in the BIG TALK about strategy & what to do now is limited. He does not talk much after hearing about Grudo and the silence contrast with previously mentioned offiicer meetings. He got his orders, did not question them or argue or, well, talk at all.

Surprising, Halcyon’s operations officer is the only one person to ask if they shouldn’t wait for commandos to report, to gain more knowledge about enemy. Yet general Halcyon decided to focus on what they gained already and attact as soon as possible.

No one argued with final order.

In a moment there will be more text about clone commandos and Skywalker, but I wish to mention that before the battle started, Anakin went to visit his dying friend. There he had short talk with doctor:

Anakin cut the doctor off. "There's nothing you can do, Doctor?"

The surgeon shook his head. "No, he's just too far gone."

"Can he hear us?"

"I don't think so, but his status is the same if he can hear us or not. With a head injury like that he won't last much longer. We can't even give him a sedative, unless, of course, you want me to end his misery-"

Anakin turned on him. "If I ever again hear you say something like that about one of my troopers, I swear..." He shook his head. "Now have the courtesy to leave me alone with my friend."

On doctor’s suggestion /ask that they could Grudo sedative to “end his misery” (aka kill him in faster way), Anakin reaction is sharp and angry. Interesting, the "If I ever again hear you say something like that about one of my troopers, I swear...” is not just about Grudo (as in: talking about his friend & mentor) but about all troopers under his command. This is very notable statement, because we know from other (later?) sources that clones were killed off, if they couldn’t fight anymore yet keeping them alive was too bothersome / expensive. I doubt Anakin had that kind of knowledge or meet with such practice and it may be just his instict to save (keep safe) people around him. But since Anakin’s men were mainly clones, I think it’s right to assume, he would react the same if doctor talked about clone trooper instead of Grudo.

Now is time to have some clone troopers’ insight on the matters:

Clone Commando CT-19/39, not Sergeant Omin L'Loxx, good as he might have been, was really the best reconnaissance man currently on Praesitlyn. His own nickname for himself was Green Wizard, because of his rank as a sergeant and his skill at patrol craft. As soon as he was given command of team one to cover the left flank of the enemy positions, he decided to split it up so each commando could conduct his own probe into the enemy lines and penetrate as far into them as he could, to bring back as much intelligence as possible.

Green Wizard made it all the way to the Intergalactic Communications Center buildings without being detected. Carefully, he committed the position of every gun he could find to memory, counted the droids staffing the positions, noted their armaments, noted where the enemy had dug in artillery. Of special interest to him was the fact that several guns were evidently being moved to the far left of the enemy line to strengthen the positions on the two small hills at that end of the defenses. In his opinion, however, the weak spot in Toniths line was on his right, not his left, because Green Wizard had come through there so easily-and especially now, since he could tell the general where every gun was on that flank. It was clear to Green Wizard that the attack should fall entirely on the left, the whole army thrown against that flank in echelon to slam into it with tremendous force and fold it back upon itself, breaking Tonith's hold and rolling up his entire defenses in one swift, irresistible blow.

The only trouble was that now Green Wizard had to get back to his own lines to report this information. He could call on his comlink, but General Halcyon had been very specific that no one was to break comm silence during the reconnaissance. Apparently his other two comrades had not had as much success as he at remaining undetected: there had been shooting all along the line, especially where they would have crossed - a lot of shooting-so Green Wizard was pretty sure they had been discovered and possibly had not made it back to their rally point just below the mesa. He wondered about the troopers who were supposed to probe the center. Would they have seen what he had? Had some of the shooting been directed at them? They were clone commandos so they were good, very good, but not as good as he, and everyone's luck ran out sometime. Green Wizard knew one day his would, too, and perhaps this night it had for his comrades. He had to assume he was the only one left now and it was up to him to get the intelligence he'd gathered back to headquarters.

The book give short but overall solid focus on clone commando, known as Green Wizard (a name he chose for himself!). The man not only made it all the way to the Intergalactic Communications Center buildings without being detected, but also memorized a lot important informations.

In contrast to Sergeant Omin L'Loxx - who reported “Their right flank is vulnerable, sir.” - Green Wizard assumed different. To that I will come back soon.

Whatever commando thought, he couldn’t call on his comlink to pass his knowledge because general Halcyon gave a strict order that no one was to break comm silence during the reconnaissance. And well, clones were bred for obedience.

To pass the informations he needed first get back to his own lines and here comes the worst part:

The barrage came unexpectedly, catching Green Wizard still behind enemy lines. That didn't surprise him: such things happened often in battle. Someone had made a mistake, starting the barrage before all the teams had been accounted for, but that wasn't his worry-getting back was. Yet even as Green Wizard hugged the ground, he noted how accurate Halcyon's artillerists were. He respected accuracy and professionalism, and admired the artillery even as it came crashing and smashing down all around him, bouncing him up in the air, crushing the breath out of him, shaking his teeth loose.

When the three teams were sent on mission, they were told “When you've all reported you're ready to return, we'll lay down some more artillery to cover you, and that'll be your signal to come back in." When Clone Commando get catch by barrage he was still behing enemy lines and thought someone had made a mistake - Republic forces shouldn’t start the barrage before all the teams had been accounted for, and team of L'Loxx decided to not wait for clone commanos and soon after that General Halcyon decided to base his plan only on L'Loxx’s raport (opinion). Thus clone commandos were left on their own.

That of course ended badly for abandoned commando:

At first Green Wizard felt no pain at all. He knew his leg had been severed, but he just tied off the artery with a length of cord and considered his options. He knew that soon there would be pain, followed by shock. He had to do something and quickly, because the intelligence he had was too important to die with him. If he stayed where he was, he would be found and executed. He could call in his findings now and his mission would be over, successfully completed; but his orders were not to use the comlink except to signal that he was ready to come back in. He gave the signal and for a moment, but only for an instant, he felt a flash of something like anger that someone back at the command post had not followed the plan for the night. The barrage continued unabated.

So his only option now was to try to get back to his own lines. With one leg gone, that would be difficult, but not impossible. Clone commandos were at their best when faced with obstacles that would be insuperable to any ordinary being.

Slowly, carefully, he began to crawl. At some point the tourniquet on his leg came loose and he started losing blood. He succeeded in making it as far as the dry riverbed, but that was where he finally realized he could go no farther. He had to make his report before he was too weak to do it, orders or no orders. He reached for his comlink, but somewhere along the way he had lost it. He chided himself for that. He had let pain and physical exhaustion distract him. It would be good if he did die here. He didn't want anyone to know how incompetent he'd become. But Green Wizard also felt a terrible sense of frustration, not because he was dying, but because he would die with information that was vital to the army he served. His last conscious thought was that he had done his best.

Despite pain, Green Wizard was angry mainly about two things: dying before he could pass the important for upcoming battle informations and that “someone back at the command post had not followed the plan for the night.” This is a problem of making decisions - some choices will be good, some not. Jedi aren’t omniscient, the same can be said about any commander, even the best of best.

From the POV of enemy:

Admiral Pors Tonith kicked the body gingerly with one foot and cast a wary eye at the armor that had been stripped from the corpse and piled off to the side. He was very nervous, being exposed like this in the open, but he'd been called out of his bunker to witness this grisly discovery and he realized it was important. It was still full dark and dawn was an hour away, but he was anxious to get back under cover again. "It's a clone commando," he said.

We've found one more complete body and parts of others, possibly as many as five altogether," the officer said. "Evidently they were killed by their own artillery last night."

Clone commandos - if didn’t die before - were killed by their own artillery.

We may only wonder if decision to not wait for clone commandos was somehow based on prejudice toward them. We may only wonder if general Halcyon’s desicion to rely solely on one raport while not waiting for two other teams would be the same if, for example, Anakin went on such mission and still not returned. Or if instead of clone commandos, the other teams were made of Slayke’s own people, would captain so easily agreed then to abandoned his missing/still on mission men? We can’t know for sure, but the lack of clone commanders during such critical moments is kinda disturbing because Jedi and non-cloned people are the one making decisions that directly affect clone troopers’ life.

Then again, the book itself gave small paragraph how success of military operation depends on small details, how it’s easy to make a mistake during stressful moment such as battlefield when decisions must be make quickly:

Often the success of a military operation depends on a mere chance event, such as someone coming to a place-a crossroads, a river, a bridge, a village-only a few minutes before or after someone else. That matter of moments can spell the difference between victory or defeat on a battlefield. Or sometimes disaster hangs on a decision by a commander who makes it without full knowledge of his enemy's intentions or dispositions; a good commander has to be able to make snap decisions, because delay can be fatal to a campaign. But so can the wrong decision, and even the very best commanders, pressed by the rapidly unfolding events of the modern battlefield to decide quickly on tactical matters, can make a mistake. Even with all the technology available to the warrior, the battlefield is still a confused and disorganized place where events move with ugntning speed under a cloak of impenetrable darkness called the fog of battle. And no one who is not right there can penetrate it.

Thus the importance of the reconnaissance Nejaa Halcyon ordered, and thus the importance of the decision he made based on the information garnered by only one of the teams sent on that reconnaissance.

For the final of this part, let’s look at meeting between commander Skywalker and ARC that happened just after battle briefing.

"Sir, may I speak with you for a moment?" It was the ARC captain.

"Make it quick, Captain."

"Yessir. We lost six troopers on the reconnaissance, so we know nothing about what the enemy intends to do in his main positions."

"Well, Captain, I'm sure you lost your troopers because that part of the enemy line was impenetrable. That must mean that General Halcyon's decision to take the hills is the correct one. You heard Sergeant L'Loxx's report."

"Yessir. Why did the second barrage open before we knew if the men had made it back?"

Anakin hadn't expected that question. Was this clone questioning his commander's orders? He knew ARC troopers were several cuts above the ordinary clone trooper, but this line of questioning was getting very close to insubordination. "General Halcyon had to make a decision, Captain: leave L'Loxx out there until your troopers reported in, take a chance on losing all the recon men, or bring at least some of them in to make a report. In the event, he made the correct decision."

"But one did give the signal. Too late."

"Yes, yes," Anakin answered quickly, "I'm sorry about that. Captain, you do realize that this entire attack depends on you and your troopers, don't you? What do you say we get moving now?"

The captain saluted, made an about-face, and left the command post. Anakin stood there thinking for a moment. He had not expected a clone trooper-even an ARC-to question orders. When Anakin had craved a command of his own, he had not really thought about the responsibility that entailed: responsibility for the lives of individual sentient beings who would die on his orders, regardless of whether their loyalty had been bought by the Republic, as was the case with the clone army, or whether, like Khamar's and Slayke's soldiers, they fought because they thought it was their duty to oppose tyranny.

Here. One of the most important scene between Anakin and clone troopers that happened in this book. Up until now, it was Anakin-Halcyon-Slayke team to argue and point out flaws during planning and to make final decisions. Clone commanders presence was minimal, to not say not existing during officer meetings. Anakin did not question Halcyon final decisions, the same as troopers did not question his. And then ARC captain comes to him not only to point out they have little informations about enemy, but also to ask “Why did the second barrage open before we knew if the men had made it back?” WHY NO ONE GIVE HIS MEN A CHANCE TO COME BACK. WHY THEY DIDN’T WAIT WITH ATTACK A BIT LONGER? Who knows, maybe if ARC captain was involved in officer meetings, he could convince GAR commander to wait with second barrage (that one that killed Green Wizard and most likely other commandos). Unfortunately, the commandship was mainly made of non-cloned officers.

And Anakin is surprised by being questioned by his trooper - more, by clone trooper! - because such thing falls close to insubordination. Oh, aren’t padawan-master relationship similar? Do not question your superior?

But also this short talk must be very uncomfortable, because what else Anakin could say? He is believing in Halcyon’s judgment, he is advocating the hard choice older Jedi had to make. Take what he could (one team) or wait longer and risk to lost all informations. And like the book already pointed out, sometimes even the best commander will make fatal mistakes that will cost people’s life. And Anakin can see it now clearly, being commander means not only giving orders but also taking responsibility for human beings. Being responsible for someone’s death.

I think it’s pretty clear to see how uneasy he is during that talk. There is pressure of upcoming fight and also awkwardness of the situation, of subtle accusation coming from ARC. This is not the best moment, as in: easy to get over. But the hard lesson will serve him right in future, I think. Anakin as general of GAR and even Dark Lord of the Sith was pretty open-minded and allowing subordinates (Ahsoka, Rex & 501st troopers) to question his plans and point out potential flaws. So maybe this unexpected talk actually affected him deeper that it seems on first look?

Skywalker in the book was around 21 years old. He had his moments of maturity but he was still really young man that tried hard to meet high expectations. Of Jedi. Of older officers & veterans. Of himself. But the book does not focus only on his achievements but also forces him to face his flaws & thoughtless. From all main heroes, Anakin is the one seen to interact with clones the most and learning to see them in new light. What will be even more visible during battle.

I must say I really enjoyed - and still enjoy - this story. The lack of clone commanders presence during officer meetings was always disturbing, but at the same time it shows how clone troopers were looked down by wide circle. Even if other (non-cloned) commanders and troopers did not treat them with open animosity, I can’t shake off the feeling that there may be something not right within GAR. Some bias toward clones is most likely there and such bias may affect commanders choices too. Commander Skywalker, for most of parts, treat them as any other troopers, yes, but his opinion of them is challenged on some occassion.

The one thing I’m upset is that to teach Anakin how to be good leader - and to present how war is traumatizing, cruel and stressful time - the story is killing mainly clone troopers (and Grudo, the main alien character). Also, for now Anakin does not show that much sorrow over killed, though it may be just that there is no time to grief and he is under heavy pressure to feel the lost. Grudo was his close friend/ally, clone commandos were his men and he was sincenery happy to be their commander. But the battle is closer with passing minutes - about what I’m gonna talk hopeful soon.

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hozukitofu · 5 years

Text

the kids are doing espionage

He would like to preface everything by a singly stated -

It was Qing's idea.

He is only a simple tech boy, a robotic engineering undergrad, someone who just wants to corrupt enough of the capitalistic system and its funds to fund his recycling robot, to delete the littering problems around campus.

The facts that he happens to know like one bad form of martial arts and by virtue of being a robotics student, great with tools and improvised weapon creation, are irrelevant. Besides the point.

But Qing is deep down, within that core of his questionably existing heart, an opportunist - an investor of assets. She sees potential, she invests in it. That's always how it goes.

Zizhen is eating, simply existing, thinking about robots and redeeming himself at a round of chess with uncle Shao when Qing barges into his absolutely mundane life, waving a USB stick in front of his nose, crowing about how she cracked the capitalism code.

Normally he would care.

"That's great, cool, jie, but -" he doesn't even have time to bat the excited blonde away before a proposition is coerced into his food.

"You! Wanna be an anti-government agent?"

Zizhen almost drops his fork.

"I'm sorry," he blinks, not even bothering with his food any longer because his appetite had taken a nose dive out the processing plants by the back of the college. "What. Did you just say?"

Qing was going to elaborate, but he doesn't let her.

"No, it was rhetorical - jie! I'm not becoming your agent for hire! I'm too soft for killing people!" He denies, vehemently, because look at him! He wears clothes that have to oblige by fluffy and big standard, and his hair cannot be let loose outside of the house if it isn’t wavy and bouncy.

Doctor Wei calls him marshmallow unironically, on top of Romantic Guy, with debatable nuances under the friendly moniker because that’s his life goal, to be as soft and sweet as humanly possible. He is only someone who strives to dismantle the system in the ways he clumsily knows how to, but he always goes back to helping people at the end of the day.

Becoming a hitman for hire is never something he would consider, or ever would.

Qing badgered and wheedled, bombarded him with the benefits, the sheer overwhelming scale of everything good and pure tipping and burying onto his side of the balancing plates, to which he avoids, like one would, if a pack of mosquitoes with malaria starts heading your way. He had blended into the crowd. Worn disguises to avoid this woman's hawkish eyesight. Climbed out a window to avoid persecution and inevitable screeching. Legitimately broke into a dead sprint across the canteen as soon as he spotted Song-Xiao Qing looking for him.

One of these days she will catch up to him, and she will skin him alive, but not today. He weaves around busy college students arriving and leaving their lecture halls, his long arms tucked closely to his chest so that nobody snags them off him. It is a laborious chase that she incurred onto his person, and he dreads the reality where she finally hacks into a computer somewhere and puts a tracker onto him so that she can be two steps ahead of him and then she can beat him into the ground on the basis of him avoiding her like she will personally break all of his robots inside and out.

"Ouyang Zizhen!" He hears a death roar, and runs faster.

Gotta put that threefold authentication code into all of his login devices so that the two steps pre-planning stage doesn't happen. Yes. But run first.

He’s fallen asleep across a horizontal surface - he’s pretty sure that this is the first horizontal surface his eyes park on and his brain immediately decreed that We’re napping. Now. ASAP pronto LOL.

He comes back to the world of living when he is toed awake by a person, voice vaguely threatening and familiar to his ears -

“Ouyang. Ouyang.”

“Noo,” he whines, thinking it to be his father. “Dad I have the day off.”

“Zizhen. You will wake up or I will walk all over your face. Your choice, sweet guy.”

He sits up, immediately awake.

Look, he’s a coward. He has high sensors in-built to detect approaching danger to his person. It’s how he made it beyond high school to go where he does now. It’s nothing to be proud of - surviving, just barely, in this cutthroat world is a goddamn miracle, if he has to say so himself. So what if he’s a coward. He’s still alive. That’s what matters.

Also he has a feeling that if he had keep on sleeping, he will open his eyes in the next life, as a bug. Because he had been horrifically murdered in this life and that death was so bad that a bug’s body is the only viable and painless reincarnation the gods deem fitting for little poor him.

“I’m up,” he wheezes, vertigo slamming onto his head. “I’m physically with you but my brain had just taken a holiday. Please allow it some time to return.”

“I don’t need your brain for this,” Qing beams at him, mouth spreading in a Joker-ish feral look. “I’ve got a favour to ask.”

I’ve got a favour to ask sounds exactly like those questions that ask you for something but if you deny, you will die on sight.

The way his upperclassman is smiling at him gives him all the answers he has.

“What,” he grouses, mouth twisting, pulling his hoodie even more over his forehead and eyes, covering the majority of his freckles. They’re still here despite the lack of hours he spends in active avoidance of the sun and the majority of this goddamn school hates the sight of freckles like they’re something contagious so his instincts mostly had been ‘cover up’.

“Someone took something from me and I need a boy to get it back for Yours Truly,” she smiles, still feral and not the least friendly.

He squints suspiciously at her. “Why a boy. Is this hard even for you, lawbreaker extraordinaire?”

“I need a boy, you stupid robot builder,” she rolls her eyes, throwing a hairband onto the table in front of him. “Because someone from Gusu took my things and on virtue of me being a woman, I can’t enter without the security shooting me on sight.”

He groans out loud and slumps even further onto the table, hoping to become one with the recycled plastic.

“I don’t even go there. They’ll shoot me on sight too. They have stun guns -”

She cuts him up, retying her space buns. He lets out a huff of hysterical air and rethinks back to every wrong decision he had ever taken in this life.

“Which they’re not allowed to use on trespassers, chill. Listen, how you get it isn’t my problem. Get me the thing and I’ll squander all the favours you owe me.”

This sparks his interest. A-Qing is stingy. The stingiest person he has the misfortune of ever running across. She studies economics. She lives on cash alone. Just. Cash. She hoards money and favours and then harvests them like produce of her questionable farm.

Ouyang Zizhen owes Qing a lot of money for the completion of his robotics projects and the launch of his career as a junior lab assistant to the research team of the mechanical engineering department. She did all that, knowing that her investments were wise, and she constantly lords the favour over his head.

It sounds great, to get rid of one Song-Xiao Qing infinitely, but he can’t help but wonder if the catch, beyond You’ll die if you trespass Gusu like the absolute moron that you are. This sounds like it’s much more than just a suicide run. It sounds more like...a test? Of sorts?

“All the favours?” He looks up, hood slipping, his freckles all in glorious sight and judging his upperclassman. “Are you sure?”

Qing-jie grins at him, looking every bit like the crook she is. “Are you?”

“Heck, yes, why do you even ask. But I feel like you’re betting too much on this. How do you know if I’ll come back for you to squander all your favours for me? Seems fishy.”

“You’ll come back,” she waves him away. “I wouldn’t swear on it if I’m not sure. So, what of it, marshmallow? You want in?”

He can’t say no anyways. “You know I can’t say no,” he scowls, and refuses to shake her hand. “If I don’t come back, tell my father to take all my robots. And burn me paper money.”

Qing cackles right at his face. “You’re exaggerating, kid. It’ll be fine. I swear on it.”

“Your words are all lies anyways! Shut up!”

Research on how to get into Gusu? Actually kinda fun.

Actually sneaking into Gusu unscathed? Less fun. Bordering on traumatic.

Technically he knows the blueprints. Technically he knows that the scanning gates at the southern entry can fit an entire person if they just, like, lie down and limbo through the gaps of the plastic closing gates. Technically eight twenty-seven in the night is the time gap that he can safely limbo through without getting zapped by a stun gun. Technically from here he can just jog to the international student’s dorm and scale to the second floor, open the window fourth from the right, slide in, get the thing from under the desk, get out the way he did before, go home, change his name, get plastic surgery, genetically rewrite his fingerprints and DNA makeup, move back to Baling, call it quits.

Technically he knows all of this, but he had just slid through a scanning gate and his heart is trying to punch out of his own ribs. He’s wheezing as if he climbed up a mountain twice for no reason at all. None of this makes sense. Why is he here. He should go home. There’s still time. Father will be tired and disappointed but when is he not.

No, his brain, traitorous, but also wanting to get rid of the human leech Song-Xiao Qing, mutters. No we will get back that bundle for Her Highness and then leave her presence indefinitely. That’s what we’ll do.

He swings his feet, nothing short of Spiderman, into the intended room, huffing as it wastes him no effort.

Too easy. Smells exactly like a trap.

It’s nearly curfew, except that people haven’t been rushing back through the easy way in, because he saw people coming out and they pretended to not see him as he came in. Are they stupid. Are they not going to come back for roll call and suffer the wrath of Lan Qiren? Or worse, He Who Must Not Be Named.

He reaches for the bundle, stuffs it under his hoodie, and prepares for take off, when a door swing open and someone walks in, without turning the lights on.

His danger alarms not only went off, but into overtime and exhaustive underpaid labour.

“Ouyang?” He hears, hissed in the dark.

He should have covered his face, because wow he didn’t think he was that popular outside of his own robotics class for setting off that fire alarm back in first year. But. He is digressing from this imminent danger! This voice. That sounds distinctly similar.

“Do we know each other?” He hisses, crouching back in a Spongebob stance, eyes narrowed at the boy in the cats-covered face mask. He can’t make a run for it here but he can try for the knee caps.

“Yes. Oh my god, yes,” the person pulls his face mask down and lo and behold, it’s -

“Lan? Lan Jingyi?” He gapes, while sidestepping a stray tennis ball lobbing at his head. “Why are you here?”

Jingyi shoots back at him - “I go here. Why are you here?”

He throws up one hand, the other preoccupied with the bundle - “Qing-jie!”

“Bad answer, but expected,” Jingyi tuts his tongue, and shoves him out of the way. “You don’t seem the type to engage in trespass and theft.”

“Ha ha, pot calling the kettle black,” he sneers back, tracing back his steps. “Why are you here here. I know you go here, but this isn’t your room. Or anyone else’s room that you are affiliated with. It’s the international student wing. You never answered my question.”

He would not receive any answers because there are footsteps, grave and reverent footsteps, that bring pandemonium outside the corridor and Jingyi, not even thinking twice, shoves him into a wardrobe, finger on his lips.

“Quiet,” the boy hisses. “And when he’s gone, you can scram.”

Zizhen thinks that is the end of it, but somehow his bundle! Had gone missing from under his hoodie! When! And how!

“Lan, give that back!” He hisses, almost lunging and falling out of the closet. Jingyi shushes him even louder, forcing the doors to close in on his nose and shoes.

He grabs onto a wrist, clinging onto the arm stubbornly. Jingyi jostles his shoulder violently like he’s got himself a human-sized limpet that won’t let go and he elects to kicking it back to the depth of the closet, telling him to ‘stay put, come on, don’t make this harder for us’.

Zizhen is shoved back into the darkness of a small enclosed space with hangers falling onto his head and clothes dropping onto his shoulders. The tracking sticker he placed on his fingertip had migrated from him to the inside of Lan Jingyi’s hoodie. Now he waits.

There is a polite knock - because that’s Lans for you, polite even in walking and knocking.

Jingyi answers the door with a soft - “Hello, uncle.”

For a moment Zizhen thought he actually screwed up and somehow stumbled head first into Lan Qiren of all people on the night he attempted trespass and theft, but he listens some more, waiting for the dulcet tones of disapproval that the Lan Headmaster is so famed for dishing out at his relatives slash pupils.

“Jingyi,” he hears, and. Well.

This is worse than Lan Qiren. Somehow he had messed up even worse than Lan Qiren.

Lan Wangji, the Hanguang-Jun, is in the same room as him. The professor reliable for dishing out punishments at Gusu. The resting disappointed man. Doctor Wei’s long-term crush and object of pursuit. He’s caught. He’s gone. They’re going to string his corpse like a disappointing sight from here so that all across the country, people can see what happens when idiot college boys who sneak into prestigious Gusu get as a punishment.

He is suddenly religious. He asks for protection from the Buddha to the corner ghost to the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit.

“I suggest you return to your own dorm,” Lan Wangji gravely - and flatly - informs Lan Jingyi. “Unless you want to introduce me to your friend?”

Lan Jingyi, for someone doing a theatre degree, is woefully awful at lying. He starts laughing hysterically and like a bloody hyena under noise suppression and the target of at least twenty stun guns and he’s lost all sense of control so now his fight or flight response is to laugh.

Ouyang Zizhen regrets not leaving his father with a dying letter. It’ll be awful and humiliating to find him as a human flag on the top of Gusu’s flagpole.

“What friend, Uncle Wangji? It’s only me here!” Jingyi hacks out hysterically, as footsteps start heading his way, purposeful and brisk.

There goes living through tonight then.

“Hmn, what’s in the closet, Jingyi?” Hanguang-Jun asks, as the doors of the wardrobe rattle and -

promptly stop.

Jingyi, because he’s panicking and somehow is still the greatest and most shocking improvised line under possibly murderous circumstances, blurts out, completely and utterly from nowhere.

“That closet is fine. It has no one in it! Well, not me anymore!”

Zizhen can barely swallow down the wheeze that tries to climb its way out of his nose because what.

To his credit though, Lan Wangji stops his advance onto his hiding place, and promptly takes Lan Jingyi out of the room, so he hopes that he’s not being thrashed thoroughly for well, being gay, but in keeping it and using it as a distraction tactic on their Hanguang-Jun.

Zizhen quickly kicks the doors open and tumbles out, sliding the window up and climbing out, his watch telling him dimly that he has two more minutes before curfew comes and security tightens. He would check on Lan, but he’ll be fine. Hanguang-Jun isn’t a blind rule follower as the people make him out to be - by people, he meant just Doctor Wei, who went through a period of time in his life actively cursing and mooning over Lan Wangji, and it’s entertaining and just embarrassing to bear witness to. No. Bad memories. Let’s forget that and go back and report to Qing-jie.

He’s going to start breaking ankles the next time Lan Yuan asks for a big hang out.

“He took the bundle from you? Without touching you?”

“I snuck in the death place for that stupid bundle and that’s all you cared about?”

“Damn Lan. Anyways, good job, it’s fine, I’m seeing the golden trio in, like, ten hours. We can haggle the bundle back.”

He hears this, but he also has the tracker sticker. Does it work? Does it not work? Unclear. He’s not too sure. He hasn’t been doing this illegal theft and tracking gig for long. He lets Qing-jie and her favours reinstate themselves as constant reminders in his life as he stumbles back to his laptop and kick starts it to see how he’s going to not set a hoodie and a person on fire.

The good news is Lan Jingyi and his Lan Approved Hoodie will not be catching on fire.

The even better news is that he can get rid of Song-Xiao Qing for life now, because he knows where the package is.

The bad news is that the package is in Jin Rulan’s home. His room, to be specific.

Okay, so maybe he met Jin Rulan a few times when he went to archery tournaments to cheer on Lan Yuan, a friend but also practicing archer to become as great as Wen Ning, Olympic-level archer. Maybe he and Jin Rulan had gotten into a few arguments over pointless things in the past, like all stupid middle schoolers do. The point is that since his friend is a friend of Rulan, he has the honour of being flung at, in the face, with the address of his sizable family manor, because Jin Rulan can and will, with no preamble or social niceties, and so now Zizhen knows where he lives.

Not that a simple Google search wouldn’t tell him which place this is, but being reminded with Jin Rulan, a runt then, probably a runt now, he hasn’t seen the kid in like, two years. A-Yuan doesn’t want him to start testing his robots on real life people and everyone who had ever interacted with Zizhen knows who’s first on his list to be humanly pitted (sorry, tested) against his robots.

He bikes to the manor, easily buzzes his way in with a screwdriver and some tinkling with the system, and strolls right through the front door.

He did do research before this. Everyone’s out. Jin Rulan is out. He’ll just take the bundle and leave, and they don’t have to talk about it anymo -

Lan Jingyi tackles him to the floor from behind the door to Jin Rulan’s room, with a distant bark of a guard dog and Jin Rulan’s dulcet tones shrieking the heavens, hard, so that his dead ancestors can rise as zombies in the night and slap Zizhen back to Baling.

“How is he here?” He can hear Rulan yelling distinctly, as he grapples with Jingyi and rips the sticker cleanly from under his sleeve.

Jingyi and him get along okay. When A-Yuan wants people to wait for him after guqin recitals, he has Zizhen and Jingyi wait for him, and they play jianzi as they quiz each other on class things they should know, bickering back and forth. They played soccer together a few times, and Jingyi’s good - Jingyi’s training to be in the under 20′s representative Asian Games in a few months. They get along fine. They love literature and art. Zizhen doesn’t want to set a short-circuiting robot onto him.

Literally there is no reason for Jingyi to wrestle him to the ground like this outside of the context of a soccer match.

“You found us, how,” Jingyi demands, frowning. “Did you put a tracker on me?”

He huffs, bunching up his knees and kicking up, before rolling away with the bundle. “I will neither confirm or deny your accusations. Goodbye.”

Rulan is at the window, slamming it shut, and holding out a hand, snarling rabidly at him. The scuffle he was tackled into had knocked over metal plates and car parts all over the floor, everything looks like it’s a disaster zone, if he was at home then Father would have lost it. The shining mistress of the Jin family snarls at him, forcing him to step away from the window with the sight of his sharp canines alone, eyes narrowing at him and his bundle.

“Give that over,” he frowns. “And then you can scram.”

“I broke into your house to get it back,” he stresses, with hysterical stress. “No.”

“No can’t do, Ouyang,” Jingyi’s voice drifts to him, as his wrist is seized. “We need it.”

“And Qing-jie needs it, but none of y’all are telling me what you need it for -”

The door eases open with a loud creak, like a bow on an erhu string gone wrong, and both boys might as well have screamed in his face because the expressions on their faces are thunderous.

“Uncle!” Jingyi squeaks.

“Uncle!” Rulan also yips, stepping away from the window, and coming over to -

Oh my god he needs to scream.

Doctor Wei and Hanguang-Jun are at the door, brows raised in vague interest at the war zone spilling out all over their socked feet, Doctor Wei humming interestedly at their thunderstruck and mutually devastated faces.

Jin Rulan is almost the same height as his uncle but he’s looking as if somebody ran over his finessed bow. He and Jingyi, who unhands Zizhen quickly, are both standing and arms splaying, kicking and shifting so that the mess of robot parts are somewhat not so obviously sprawling all over the floor.

“A-Zhen!” Doctor Wei beams, and proceeds to squeeze him in a hug until he dies, stuffing his face into a shirtfront with too much Versace sprayed all over it. “You didn’t say you were friends with the kids!”

“We don’t know each other,” he squeezes out, gasping as he’s released.

“Not a friend,” Rulan vehemently denies.

Lan Wangji lifts two unimpressed eyebrows. Rulan swallows back whatever else he was meant to say.

“Occasionally a friend?” Jingyi amends.

He turns and gripes at the Lan boy - “How can someone be occasionally a friend, you lump of spineless potato?”

“His insults are creative,” Doctor Wei notes, half way between an explanation and a praise. “Listen, kids -”

He then gets cut off by Jingyi and Rulan, talking not only over each other, but in synching fragmented sentences.

Jingyi “Uncles, we’re going to pack this up, we know you need the house for guests to come over -”

“ - and we will introduce you and acquaint everyone, but this guy needs to hand over his things first and then everyone can go,” Rulan finishes, hand still reaching out to Zizhen and his bundle.

He tries to step away, but two much taller men - Lan Wangji and Doctor Wei, are in his way, benevolently smiling and stoically staring down at him, and he feels his resolve crumbling. In fear, but also they are educators and they’ve perfectly polished the I’m not angry at you, I’m just disappointed and very very sad.

“Sounds like a party in here,” he hears the dreaded singsong, the sound of the dead coming to collect his soul and putting him through all the levels of hell.

Song-Xiao Qing pokes her head around Lan Wangji’s elbow and beams at him. “Oh you’re here! I thought I had to call for you! You made my job so easy, marshmallow boy.”

“Uh,” he’s still being held captive by Doctor Wei. “Please. Explain.”

Lan Yuan finally emerges, serene, beautiful, refreshing and soft-spoken.

“Many apologies for my family’s treatment of you, Zizhen-xiong. Would you like some tea?”

The gist of it is this -

It was a test. And his gut feelings were correct.

And the test was Would Ouyang Zizhen Make Good Agent. Apparently he passed, because nobody expected him to pursue the bundle all the way to the Jin Manor, along with wrestling with Jingyi so fiercely.

“You -” he looks at Qing-jie, who is sipping chrysanthemum tea so calmly, as if she hadn’t led him on some wild goose chase. “I actually have no words. That was very clever.”

“I have words,” Jin Rulan, apparently part of whatever the hell this is too, whinges from his post at the arm of Lan Wangji’s chair. “Why him?”

“What, besides the obvious?” Jingyi looks at his friend. “He held me off, and snuck into Gusu. Like, impressive?”

“The sticker was a nice touch,” Qing-jie notes. “Although we did make it easy on ya.”

“He’s calm,” A-Yuan smiles at him. “You’re very calm, even though you opposed to this vehemently.”

He gestures broadly, to Everyone Present. “I can’t exactly freak out before this peanut gallery. I want to live past 5 pm today. I have an aunt’s dinner I have to go to. I can’t die before that.”

A-Yuan shrugs like that’s a good answer. It is. He knows. He has a few fire-breathing aunts himself.

“So,” someone prompts. “About this -”

“The answer is still no,” he looks over specifically at Qing-jie, who he knows no doubt will be sending him on more of these trips.

“You did good though,” Jingyi notes. “Considering that you improv like, 9 out of 10 things.”

“Well excuse me for being new at this stuff, how am I supposed to -” he stops his snapping tone as a familiar face walks by, blinking widely as the entourage of idiots who may or may not are influencing a youth in joining the forces to lawbreaking. How is Hanguang-Jun in the middle of this, he just wants to talk. He swallows his caustic words, and cautions a wave to the boy. “Hey, A-Song.”

A-Song bows back to everyone. “Zizhen-xiong -”

“Calling me gege is fine, sheesh, this kid -”

“I’ll see you at tutoring, gege,” A-Song, Jin Rusong, literally the sweetest kid ever, smiles back politely, before he retreats back to where he has to go back to, leaving their Idiot Entourage to their own.

“You know my cousin?” Rulan quirks a judgemental eyebrow.

“Yes,” he replies, tersely. “Can you not pay attention? He said tutoring. I tutor him. Shut up, I’m only mean to you because you’ve an awful personality.”

Nobody is sure who laughed but there is a ripple of a muffled laugh as Rulan screeches that I’ll have your head, Ouyang!

“Our deal is off,” Qing-jie snaps her fingers before his face. “You can go now.”

“Just like that?” He squints, suspicious. “No forcing?”

“No forcing,” Doctor Wei smiles, the same Jiang-Wei smile that put the cardiac arrest in people’s hearts. People being undergraduates. “We’ll win you over one of these days,” Doctor Wei slaps a fist to a palm. “Our doors are always open for you to join, A-Zhen.”

Lan Wangji levels a stare at him. “Hmn.”

He’s not quite sure how Doctor Wei isn’t freaking out in the presence of his beloved Lan-er gege but he’s not going to ask or go there. He has a dinner to go to.

“Well,” he stands, and bows, because he still has manners. “I’ll be taking my leave?”

“I’ll see you off,” Doctor Wei also stands, turning to the four idiot monkeys first. “Here ya go, kids. Don’t be playing hot potato with that now.”

It’s then that he realises that his bundle is gone, yet again, and Doctor Wei had only hugged him once.

“Shall we go?” The Doctor’s eye glints, and he wants to bolt out the door.

“How are you a part of this too?” He hisses to the Good Doctor, the top medical examiner of the goddamn country and youngest biology professor in his college, as he is shown out.

“I’ll tell you when you join,” is the cryptic answer he gets, as the doors close behind him.

Tell me, his Kermit brain says. But then you’ll have to join, his rational robotics brain whispers back.

Zizhen elects to just scream at the door and turns on his heels marching out.

The nerve of some people!

#mdzs #future fic #modern college AU #ouyang zizhen #lan jingyi #a-qing #jin ling #lan sizhui #jin rusong #lan wangji #wei wuxian #there is a universe where people fear lwj more than lan qiren #it is here #spy AU #this is so stupid please love it for me

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