#this comic is so shit but god cass your sister.... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

batarangsoundsdumb · 3 years

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guess fucking what? my inbox is so fucking full right now i'm unloading all of this shit in one post.

For the 11th gotham memes: gothamites react to bruce being jacked in a tiktok he made with kids, like super yoked, ripped as hell

fucking hilarious thanks. i think i did it in one meme post, but i genuinely don't remember which one

i dunno which of the batfam would do this but one time i was sleeping over at a friends house and ended up on the floor bc the bed was so very small and i just stayed there because the rug was soft

that's a drunk jason move i don't know what to tell you

tim and jason are "i listen to pop punk" solidarity. whenever jason highjacks the batmobile theyll go on long ass car rides blaring mcr and paramore and then never talk about it again

as they should!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tim: no jason it's my turn using the aux cord i gotta put on my jams jason: don't you dare put on weird shit tim: don't worry, you're gonna love this *plays fearless (taylor's version)

hear me out hear me out, red hood stans 🤝 nightwing stans t h i g h s

holy shit yes.

SNL au: Bruce breaks character when pretending to superman and says something like "I'm not superman! You've seen his gps!! It's from 2001!!!" @sabeanybabe

superman flies past the snl building the next day just to say 'actually it's from 2005, i'm not a heathen'

does your back hurt from carrying the batfam fandom

it hurts more from the exotic rock collection i keep in my backpack, but thanks for the concern.

I love your posts by why would you always leave the best parts in the tags?

as a treat for the people that check the tags ;) (and also because i'm committed to the short post aesthetic)

somehow your playlist was everything i never knew i needed. i mean it. this is my new favorite playlist.

and don't you dare get a new favourite playlist!

babe ur stoner tim playlist is exactly too perfect, earth is literally blessed by ur existence

babe thanks so much! i love my stoner tim playlist because it's just my usual playlist but people think it's an artistic choice that i put taylor swift and britney spears in there, when it's just what i unironically like listening to

JANDKSKDK BILLY RAY CYRUS ON THE STONER TIM PLAYLIST I LOVE IT IT

again it's not even an ironic choice, i know every single word and i genuinely like the song

The last chapter of Fundamentals of Casework has me crying at work. Thanks I love it @dudelookitsalesbian

oh babe, i'm sorry, but also, not sorry i love chapter 4 so much it's my lovechild with the 'mental illness' tag

soooo....stumbled on your tumblr by some stroke of fate??? read your DC fanfic first. which is PHENOMENAL btw. then found all the batmemes; the funniest thing EVER bc everyone forgets about regular old gothamites. kept scrolling and your blog pops up as recommended. clicked on the ao3 for shits and giggles and waddaya know?!?!? it's YOU!!! you're LEGEND!!!! ever seen that meme? it's a video of a cat that got into a baseball field and the two announcers get really invested in his escape attempt and start giving a play by play of the cat instead of the game. memeable moment: "GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!"

i seriously think about this ask every single day and it's so fucking funny to me that i've never seen the meme you're referencing, but i still find myself going 'GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!' whenever i see something funny. but wow i'm glad you liked this steaming pile of garbage

Fav dc character overall? And fav batfamily character?

don't ask me to pick between the loves of my life, but i can tell you i've cried about every single batfamily member and also wally west (my beloved)

What's your opinion on fans having a problem with batfam being "too big"? And some even claim that batfam is just "Bruce Alfred Dick Damian" and the rest of them are just "friends and allies" (source: reddit) Personally, I like batfam because of this reason but idk

stupid. a family can never be too big. i'm not that big a fan of like huge batfam stuff with everybody from every single universe, because as much as it's funny for bruce to have like 30 kids, it just feels a little too OOC for me.

This is the best tag I've seen involving the batfam, thanks for thinking of it

This is canon now @nctxrejects

lmao yeah i think at that point alfred has had to sit through like at least a dozen coming out talks and just has a pride flag collection in the attic that he pulls out whenever a kid comes out

idk why batfam hits different as compared to any other superhero family

bc it's found family and usually the other superhero families are almost all genetically related in one way or another

I don't know if you watch the umbrella academy but I saw your last post about batcest and saw the similarities. But the thing is (although I think it's weird) in TUA, they addressed it by saying "they were raised as weapons, not siblings" or something along those lines, which is simply not the case with batfam.

yeah i watched tua but i also thought it was ridiculous and they still treated each other as siblings so i didn't like the luthor/allison thing, and am glad they stopped doing that shit bc it fucking sucked.

Hot take: Batcest shippers are the same people who believe adopted siblings are not actual siblings

smoking hot take: batcest shippers are the people who watch 'my sister got stuck in the washing machine' porn

Duke was adopted by Bruce?

not technically no, but do i, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb, look like i care?

True story but I had to change my freaking name because it used to be "Damien" and most people would go "OH LIKE DAMIAN WAYNE" like please I'm just tryna live

true story, but i don't actually think of damian when i hear the name damian, literally the first thing that pops up is damian darkh like bruh what?

apparently dc comics company supported comic stores by giving out new titles and stuff during the beginning of the pandemic to help them run and I just think that's wholesome

ah yeah that's so fucking cool, still don't like dc, the company, because this world is a capitalist hellhole and we're all owned by warner brothers or disney with no in between.

ayo looking at tumblr head canons and finding out bruce is actually a terrible father is a punch in the gut

lmao yes, in like 50% of comics bruce is a terrible father and it gives me whiplash

oooh I just saw the jason todd vs winter soldier post and the real question is: batman vs iron man

while iron man has like hundreds of cases of armor, batman could throw out an emp and have the guy dropping out of the sky in 2 seconds.

dickfast = fastdick = quickdick = quickie

magnum hot take

hey bata(?) just thought I'd let you know I have copied the obnoxious emoji and Billy Ray post for use on simping men going forth

thank you 😘🌷 (@spacebarsidecar)

why would you do that to your followers???? i get why i did it, but why would you???

what is scarecrow made the nightwing funko pop himself, like those diy-ers that paint over other ones

oh god no, horrible take, horrible take, that's a disgusting thought oh no

I see your HC that Bruce and Oliver fucked and raise you this: Dick and Roy ALSO fucked

yes they did and it was a horrible moment for jason to find out dick has fucked both of his best friends

"at this rate bruce adds like 1 child to his family every decade or so" Duke is introduced in 2013, Damian as Damian, not as an unnamed child, in 2006. And he is already 14 years old, Robins rarely remain Robins after 16 😬 It looks like a new Robin and Batkid will appear in a couple of years

i mean i can't wait? but somebody will probably die first tho, we're due for another major character death. my money's on either cass or duke this time.

BRO you're so right all of your Bruce's ex headcanons are amazing but they aren't ships, that's kinda wild. Like I don't want any peeks into how their relationship was I just want to see everyone make fun of them

lmao YES it's just i love bruce being a slut, like good for him.

I am in love with your posts your honour thank you

omg thanks are we like,, gonna kiss now?

The justice league needs to have a meeting to discuss how many of their members/partners have slept with bruce. Because through a combination of cannon & fannon (if DC wasn’t homophobic) we have AT LEAST: 1) clark 2) lois 3) oliver 4) dinah 5) john

Thats not counting villains or random civilians @dudelookitsalesbian

yes yes yes, they'll have a yearly meeting about how many of their collective exes could be out for revenge and batman's list just keeps getting longer.

tim was like "i'm drake now" and everyone was like ahh so your fursona is a dragon and tim was like pffffft no. ducks.

and what about it?

when steph's fighting livewire and she zaps her with lighting and nothing happens and then they both just. stand there awkwardly for a second and talk. yeah i couldn't stop laughing at that batgirl steph is the BEST

oh yeah that was fucking hilarious and i think it would be so cool and sexy of dc to give steph a little comic series,,, as a treat

Hi I absolutely adore all of yours "Bruce and Oliver very badly pretending they didn't fuck each other" memes

lmao i do too

I need you to know that “Bruce Wayne had frosted tips” is one of my favorite Bruce takes of all time it’s so galaxy brained. you’re right and you should say it

he also painted his hair blonde once when he was travelling and in conclusion, this is why he's being blackmailed by the gotham gazette.

you know my thing about gordon being branded as the only good cop in gotham is its a load of shit like arguably he's a good person and not working to screw people over or anything but the fact that he also works w. batman makes him a shit cop. like yea batman is better than the mob but its still illegal its still an abuse of power he just not making bank

babe, all cops are bad cops. (but yeah youre absolutely right, working with vigilantes makes you a shit cop, but also working against vigilantes just makes you an asshole cop yanno?)

ruh roh i think i’m about to add “so not yeehaw” every time i don’t like something

that's a very good vocabulary upgrade

somehow i feel like steph already knew. like babs obviously knew but i feel like bruce got high/drunk in front of steph and started telling his boarding school stories and steph was just like “oh you fucked up i’m never gonna forget this”

steph and bruce have weird uncle/rebellious niece dynamic and they just hang out sometimes and bruce will be like 'i once broke my arm when i tripped over a hedge when i was drunk so oliver drove me to the hospital on an electric scooter' and steph will just have to sit there with that knowledge in her head.

Hello I just wanted to tell you you are So right in all your steph opinions bc she is, in fact amazing and I think that's very sexy of you. Ps. Your Bruce/Oliver fic is hilarious

babe, thank you so much and yes steph is amazing and i love her and she deserves the world and she's the best member of the batfam hands down. also thanks

In Supersons we see a couple of kids that are implied to be Damian and Jon's children and the boy has laser eyes and can fly, so I asume he's not adopted. The girl, who calls Bruce grandpa, can also fly, btw. So it's canon (probably by accident) that Jon can have kids and he must have married one of Bruce's kids. (I'm hoping for Damian, mostly because any other of his children would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay too old.) @artemisa97

lmao that was probably an accident seeing as jon is a 17 year old superhero in the year 3000 (by the jonas brothers)

You know, I'm a die hard fan of your memes, but I gotta say one thing: if Gothamites actually took gas mask everywhere with them, then the Scarecrow would just be a weird dude in a weird costume, and not a villain oh so scary. DC really should just takes notes from you.

bold of you to assume there's no gothamite anti-maskers

How does it feel being the funniest person on this app?

horrible, next question.

I can't listen to Green Day or Billy Joel without thinking of your post about how Bruce got arrested at a Billy Joel concert @nightwings-kid

yeah that's your mistake, i on the other hand can't enjoy billy joel without thinking about the glee rendition of 'uptown girl'

I've FINALLY been watching the Batman animated series and I gotta say, after watching "the gray ghost" I am CONVINCED that Batman is a closeted super hero geek who was 100% freaking out the first time he met Superman and is just REALLY good at hiding it.

superman: so what do you do in your free time? batman, thinking about the superman fanfiction he's writing on the batcomputer: i have no free time

bruce and oliver be like boyfriends to co-workers 401k (do the justice leagues get 401ks??? not that bruce and ollie would need them, but-)

lmao yes just 400 thousand words of bruce realising 'oh dip oliver is such a fucking dumbass' (also i don't know what a 401 k is but i assume they don't?)

Gothamites would totally boo superman as he saves Gotham while batman is out. @meenje

he's like 'okay think about that next time you want to be saved from an alien octopus'

I just took long break from dc comics and I come back to see ric grayson ??

i think it's very cool and sexy of dc to see dick and just think 'you know what? let's just give him a traumatic brain injury' and then didn't develop his character in any real way

SPEAKING OF RIC GRAYSON, gothamites making confused memes out of ric grayson is much needed

'dick grayson is my taxi driver? can anyone explain what the fuck happened he looks like an italian plumber?'

i hate to say it but batfam are def "marvel characters" in that sense they are characters who are human but become superheroes unlike most dc characters who are gods trying to be human maybe this is why I like batfam

fair enough

#this is only like half of it #but at least you can get like a few answers #yanno fuck it #bataranswers #ask #asks #anon

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bigskydreaming · 3 years

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Doing some writing today off and on between errands and work, and jumping around various Kings of the Sky installments, specifically Dick, Jason and Cass stuff, so probably gonna post snippets from a bunch of them as I go.

(Kings of the Sky is an AU that goes canon divergent from the point of Jason calling Dick for advice for dealing with Bruce after the Garzonas case and where things end up going dramatically different from that point on. Including Jason not dying, being part of his own lineup of Titans between Dick and Tim’s, Dick being adopted not long after the Church of Blood incident, Cass being the third Wayne kid to be taken in and adopted and with Tim and Duke being next and then Damian coming along later once they find out about him. This is basically my ‘the family’s alright’ AU with largely ‘Good Dad Bruce’ except for Dick and then Jason yelling some sense into him about the other, respectively, in the first two installments, just FYI).

Anyway, this bit is from a story called “In Their Shadows Grow Trees Of Good and Evil,” set about a year after Cass has been adopted, when she and Jason are both sixteen and Dick’s twenty-one. Also just FYI, because canon has never been specific about what ways Cass is neurodivergent due to the comic-book style ‘rewiring’ of her brain so that she could learn to speak later in life, I tend to go with her being dyslexic and having aphasia. She sticks exclusively to sign language and being a silent presence in her costumed personas, so that there’s no chance of people connecting the dots between Black Bat and Cassandra Wayne, as she mostly speaks verbally in her civilian persona and doesn’t hide her aphasia. The reason there’s not likely to be any obvious signs of aphasia in the snippets of her I post is because I wait until I complete something to choose words at random to replace with aphasia-born mixups, so its more realistic and I’m not gearing her dialogue towards deliberately placed moments. Just in case you were wondering.

In Their Shadows Grow Trees of Good and Evil

“Hey Todd,” sneered an exquisitely obnoxious voice. “Why’s your sister so fucking weird?”

Jason sighed the sigh of a soul a mere century into its eternity of damnation as he rose from the lunch table he’d been studying at and crammed the rest of his books into his backpack. Then he pasted a cheerfully bland smile on his face and turned around, geared for academia warfare (teenage prep school edition).

“Hey Craig,” he said brightly. “Why’d you come out of the womb so ugly your parents had to tie a piece of steak around your neck just to get the family dog to go near you? Mysteries abound.”

The advancing junior slowed a step, momentarily rocked by his truly impressive return volley. The grimace Craig’s already gargoyle-esque features twisted into made his face even more unpleasant to look at than usual, which was quite the feat. Jason would have applauded if just looking at it hadn’t already turned him to stone.

But the bargain basement basilisk kept on towards him rather than turn tail and skulk off to pop his emotional blisters, so Jason sighed a sequel to his first one. Looked like it was one of those days where Craig felt up to powering through. Guess someone had eaten their self-esteem Wheaties that morning. Joy.

“You think you’re pretty hot shit, don’t you, Todd?”

Jason shrugged. “I mean, to be honest I kinda have a one track mind, so right now I’m mostly just thinking about punching you in your mistake.”

“My what?”

“Your face,” Jason elaborated with exaggerated patience.

“Huh?”

“Oh my god, I’m saying your face is a mistake. See, its not as fun when I have to stop and explain it to you. Ugh, you ruin everything.”

He neatly sidestepped the older boy as R2-Dumbass stayed frozen, smoke coming off of his internal CPU while trying to catch up. For a second Jason thought he was home free, but then he remembered the universe fucking hated him so haha, sucks to suck. Also, a small crowd had gathered to witness the verbal jousting match, and nothing invigorated an asshole like Craig more than an audience of like-minded peers. So there was that too.

“Whatever. Laugh it up all you want, you little shit,” the junior rallied. “But just remember, mocking your betters will never change the fact that you were born street trash and you’ll be street trash until the day you die.”

Honestly? Not his best effort. Jason almost felt bad using any of his good material. Seemed like overkill at this point. But he did have a strict Scorched Earth policy to maintain, so.....

“Yeah but my dad could buy out and ruin your dad so that means I still win, right?”

He smirked as the barb landed and Craig’s face set into a sunset vista of strangled purple and furious red. Bam. Direct hit.

“Listen, you - “

“Oh for fuck’s sake, it was rhetorical,” Jason interrupted. “I don’t actually care what you think even a little bit. Nobody does. You don’t matter. Please go be irrelevant elsewhere, you’re fucking dismissed, you loser.”

“Speak for yourself, charity case.” Oh goodie, Craig’s backup singers had finally arrived. Now if only he could remember to care enough to learn their names in the first place. Seriously, who told the extras they could have lines? “All the jokes in the world can’t change who and what you are.”

Jason shrugged and continued nonchalantly up the hill to where his sister was standing with arms crossed, staring down at something on the other side.

“True genius is never appreciated in its own time,” he tossed back over his shoulder. “I’m sure I’ll be immortalized in song eventually.”

The mob of morons deigned to let him go without further incident. Though he suspected that had less to do with his scathing wit and more to do with him being headed towards Cass. She was immaculately presented as always, wearing the Gotham Academy uniform like she was born to it despite hating its uncomfortable stiffness every bit as much as he did. But that was just Cass for you.

For all that she still struggled at times to engage verbally or speak up in social settings, her mastery of body language remained without peer. She could chameleon-camouflage her way into matching poise and posture with anyone - a skill that had allowed her to walk into school on her very first day with her head held high as though she owned everything in her sight. Exuding so much Queen Bee Intimidation Factor even the other hive queens were afraid to approach her themselves. Sending forth their drones to try and woo her into an alliance, only to see her remain oh-so-casually above it all, a slightly contemptuous smile adorning her lips.

Basically, she scared the shit out of their classmates without them having anywhere close to a true understanding of why, and Jason was outrageously jealous. Rude. Unfair. Why did his siblings always get all the cool toys when all he had was his rakish charm, scintillating intellect and debonair.....nah, who was he kidding. He was fucking awesome.

“Sup, sis,” he said, cresting the hill to stand beside Cass. “Just FYI, I just took a popularity bullet for you, which means you owe me your dessert tonight. Its a family rule that’s totally a real thing and definitely not something I just made up right now because Alf is making chocolate soufflé.”

She made no acknowledgment and remained stock still, a Colossus at Rhodes peering down into the shifting shadows of the parking lot below.

He peered down as well, though with absolutely no idea what they were looking at. Solidarity, yo.

“So are we staring fixedly at anything in particular, or should I just pick my own spot and commit?”

His humor was totally wasted on her as always. Instead of laughing and telling him what a lovable goof he was, she just inclined her head in the direction of a blonde girl where she was standing next to the driver’s side door of a Mercedes-Benz, dictating final commandments to her peons before departing. Well, probably. Jason was just guessing, based on his own body language reads, and like, general disdain for literally everyone at this school that wasn’t related to him.

He made a face. An extra special one reserved just for this classmate in particular. “Ugh, Madison Dunleavy? She’s the worst.”

Cass raised a cool eyebrow. “I thought Craig Hendricks was the worst.”

“He is. They’re both the worst. Its a hotly contested position here at Gotham Academy.”

She rolled her eyes and nodded back down at the Queen of Air and Darkness. “So. You know her?”

“Nope,” Jason said. “Come to think of it, I’ve actually never seen her in my life. No idea who that is. Can’t help you, sorry. Shall we go home?”

The Eyebrow of Inquisition speared him with clear intent. Who the fuck needed words when you could pack the Encyclopedia Britannica into a single facial expression?

Jason sighed gustily.

“I had a slight altercation with her freshman year that led to her declaring her undying enmity for me until the end of time. The word nemesis may or may not have been thrown around once or twice. I can’t recall.”

The Eyebrow of Inquisition lowered nary an inch. Ugh, she wanted more? Why did everyone in his family hate privacy, with the obvious exclusion of himself when snooping through Cass and Dick’s rooms for blackmail material, which was actually intel-gathering and thus another matter entirely.

“Okay so basically what happened was my first week here I overheard her talking shit about me and not even twenty minutes later she was pretending to kiss my ass in homeroom, like probably because of Bruce, y’know? So I just busted out laughing and told her to fuck off and die and she has inexplicably loathed me ever since.”

Avoiding further Eyebrow Inquisition-ing, he made a show of peering around aimlessly. When the silence extended and it was clear Cass was absolutely not going to break first, Jason waved a hand in dismissal and took to peering oh so casually at his fingernails. "I suppose I was less tactful back in those days.”

He chanced a look up, finally, and saw his sister’s eyebrow had somehow managed to mighty morphin power ranger its way into a configuration evoking both judgment and disbelief, with the latter perhaps aimed at the idea he was significantly differing in the tact department these days either.

“I don’t love the implications your face is making right now,” he told her.

She ignored him, because of course she did.

“Does she know Dick?” She asked instead. Jason shrugged.

“I mean, maybe? She’s probably seen him around at one of those stupid galas we have to go to, and actually I think maybe she has an older brother who was either in Dick’s grade or like, one above or below it? I don’t know.”

Now both eyebrows were doing the dance of disbelief. Okay, so maybe that was poor situational awareness on his part, since it wasn’t like Gotham Academy was a big school with a ton of other kids and also he’d only been in the same class as Madison for like over two whole years, but whatever. There were extingent circumstances.

“Look, she’s a total snob who’s always looked down on me and in return I willfully ignore both her existence and that of everyone and everything even tangentially related to her. Its called equality, Cass.”

She pursed her lips and went back to the peering, because of course in the mind of Cass it made total sense that the Grand Inquisition didn’t need to be followed up by any explanation on her part, what the hell. Like was he supposed to have inferred it?

“What’s this all about anyway?”

“I heard her talking about Dick earlier,” she said without peeling her eyes away from her personal recon mission. “I don’t know what she said though, I just heard her say Grayson, and then I was busy looking at what her body was saying. I know it was about Dick because she shut down when she saw me. And I didn’t like the way she....looked....before that happened. The way she was talking. It was.....”

Jason frowned but held back any follow-up questions while he waited - with total patience because he wasn’t an absolute cad, thank you very much - for his sister to find the word she was hunting for. It was a major source of frustration for her, that whatever neural map her brain followed put body language and spoken language in totally different regions of her brain, separated by a fairly great divide. Meaning she usually had to make a conscious choice to focus on body language or conventional languages - whether verbal or sign. But it tended to be one or the other; she’d yet to master taking in and comprehending both forms of ‘language’ at the same time. And none of them had quite figured out how to convince her that she wasn’t actually missing anything when she chose to focus on one specific form of communication - that she was still observing far more than most people ever would.

“Proprietary,” Cass settled on at last. She nodded her satisfaction with her choice of word, and Jason waited a whole two point five seconds before sticking his whole foot in his mouth.

“Proprietary?” He asked with a scrunched nose as he weighed that for possible context and implications. “You sure?”

She glared. He winced. It was a whole thing.

“Yeah, I know, sorry, sorry, I heard it the second it was out of my mouth. We don’t actually have to experiment with the legitimacy of if looks could kill.”

Cass rolled her eyes, but eh. That could’ve gone worse.

Jason swiftly redirected attention anyway. Discretion is the better part of valor, after all.

“So. The Queen of Air and Darkness was talking about our big bro, and her mood was.....proprietary, huh?” He recapped while digesting the info like a boss. “Well. Definitely not loving that, I gotta say. Hold please.”

Pulling out his phone and pulling up his most recent texts, he began typing furiously.

“What are you doing?” Cass asked.

“Texting Tom,” he replied, because duh. Hah, now it was his chance to have the answers that should be patently obvious and thus make with the ‘are you kidding me’ when she asked obvious questions she should know the answer to! How do you like them apples, sis?

“Why are you texting your boyfriend right now?”

Jason rolled his eyes, because fair is fair, but never ceased texting for a moment. Time was of the essence here, probably. Well, maybe. Okay probably not. But it’d still been like half an hour since he and Tom had last texted and that’s a very fucking long time in teenage years.

“To be our getaway driver tonight, obviously.”

She stared at him. He didn’t look up, but he could feel it anyway. He was very intuitive like that.

“What?”

Jason heaved another sigh, one keyed to tones of ‘oh my god, do I really have to spell this out,” exasperation. He was just racking up the bonus points here. It was really too bad this wasn’t an actual competition he could actually win and this was all just pettiness taking place wholly in his own head. Lame.

“Well, clearly we now have to go snoop in Madison’s house aka lair to see if its actually a house or a full on lair. Because she’s either a creeper or like, legit evil, and its important to know which one before we proceed, because obviously we can only bust her for being a weird creeper about our brother as Jason and Cass, whereas if she’s legit evil, that’s gotta go down as Robin and Black Bat. I’ll handle the snooping, you’ll take look-out, but we still need a wheelman and that’s why I’m texting Tom. This is all very mission-oriented, okay. I’m a professional.”

“Right,” she affirmed, while sounding anything but convinced. “Why don’t we just tell Bruce?”

Without looking up or breaking stride, he said: “I’m going to give you til I finish typing this sentence to figure out what was wrong with what you just said. Remember that we are talking about hypothetical danger to our brother, and also Bruce’s idea of a proportionate response to any of his children being in even hypothetical danger. And also our brother’s idea of a proportionate response to Bruce’s idea of a proportionate response. Look, you’re still new so I’m gonna need you to just trust me on this one. Its gonna be a no on telling Bruce without further intel.”

Cass said nothing in response to that, which meant that she was conceding the point and recognized the wisdom of his words. Or maybe that she was just gonna go ahead and do what she wanted anyway and just wasn’t bothering to fight about it, but it was probably that first thing.

“Well you better not just make out with your boyfriend all night,” is what she said at last, and that got his attention reeeeeal quick like.

“Umm. Wow. Okay. So, first off, you’re not the boss of me and who I make out with and when, so jot that down. And second, now I’m definitely going to make out with my boyfriend extra hard, with the exception of when we are actually on our recon mission because as previously established, I am a professional. And also, again, you’re not the boss of me.”

Jason ignored her Eye Roll With Extra Emphasis, and instead just held up his phone to Text With Extra Emphasis, as he read along with what he was typing.

“By the way babe, we have to make out extra hard tonight,” he said, tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth while he dragged out his dictation with the kind of focus that usually led to Bruce asking why he couldn’t apply as much intensity to training as he did to pettiness. “Cass has suddenly decided she can dictate terms to me and I need to shut that shit down ASAP, so thank you in advance for your assistance in this matter. Smoochies and other gay stuff to the best boyfriend ever.”

Jason frowned as a response pinged back seconds later.

TheCatsMeow: ....the things I put up with for the sake of your weird family dynamics.

TheOnlyRobinThatRocks: Yeah, yeah. You’re a saint among were-panthers. Must you mock? Why can’t you just tell me I’m pretty instead?

TheCatsMeow: Sorry. Let me try again. OMG you’re so pretty Jase how did I get so lucky xoxo.

TheOnlyRobinThatRocks: No. Its too late. It feels forced and unbelievable now. You’ve ruined it forever.

TheCatsMeow: Got it. From now on I will only tell you that you’re repulsive and hideous.

TheOnlyRobinThatRocks: I’m breaking up with you.

TheCatsMeow: But after I help you with your mission tonight.

TheOnlyRobinThatRocks: Obvsly. I’m a professional. Why do people keep forgetting this?

TheCatsMeow: And also the making out to spite your sister.

TheOnlyRobinThatRocks: Yeah we should do that first too. I mean we already penciled it in.

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lunap95 · 3 years

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Chapters: 7/7 Fandom: Super Sons (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Superman - All Media Types Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Jonathan Kent/Damian Wayne, Jonathan Samuel Kent/Damian Wayne Characters: Damian Wayne, Jonathan Samuel Kent, Maya Ducard, Collin Wilkes, Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown, Duke Thomas, Cassandra Cain, Alfred Pennyworth, Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent, Lois Lane, Kon-El | Conner Kent, Kara Zor-El Additional Tags: Roommates, Domestic Fluff, adopting a pet, High School, Jealousy, Running Away, Partners in Crime, Fake/Pretend Relationship, getting caught, Heartbeats, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Alternate Universe - Royalty, Masquerade, Family Vacation, Marriage Proposal, JonDami Week 2021

Hey, hey, hey! Last day of the @jondami-week Thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments, it makes me super happy! As I mentioned I'm planning on doing a longer (but not too long) fic about Damian and Jon so please if you like anything of these prompts tell me so I can have a clearer idea on how to write them. Thanks!

Day 7: joint family vacation | proposal | free day

You can also read it under the cut

“Stephanie, I swear to God if you play that stupid song one more time.”

“Shut up, Jason, you didn’t have a good music taste even before your first death.”

“Come on, guys, I’m sure we can find something nice for every-” Duke dodged a hamburger and decided it was better not to get in between.

“Has anyone seen my sunglasses?” asked Conner, his sunglasses obviously over his head.

“No,” answered Tim not even making an attempt at pointing his mistake.

“I’m just saying, it would totally rock if you made a ‘Is Bruce Wayne Batman?’ headline,” Cassandra nodded at Dick’s words.

“You know it would actually be really funny,” Lois smirked, her smile too similar to one of the evildoers they usually fought.

“Not it wouldn’t!” interrupted Barbara visibly angry. “Because then we, instead of him, will have to deal with it later.”

“I stopped dealing with Bruce’s shit a long time ago, you should do the same,” proclaimed Kate taking a sip of his wine.

“This is the fourth time I have to repair a train, Kent,” argued Bruce on the other side of the field. “Is it really too much to ask to show a little restrain?”

“Oh, excuse, mister billionaire, next time a train is about to run over some innocent citizens I will kindly ask the train to stop,” refuted Clark.

“The only thing I’m saying,” not too far Alfred was in the middle of another discussion with Martha and Jon Kent. “that the recipe is obviously done with raisins.”

“Raisins? Maybe in that rainy spot of yours,” Martha seemed to be terribly offended. “But not here.”

Damian sighed for the hundredth time that day watching how the whole family continued creating absolute chaos. If his calculations were right there were just a few minutes left before someone screamed “food fight”. Next to him, Jon munched on a hamburger as if the picture did not bother him at all.

“Let’s have some picnic together, you said,” said Damian. “It would be fun, you said.”

“I think is nice.”

“Your cousin tried to throw Todd over the roof just an hour ago.”

“And I think Steph is about to ask her to do it again,” laughed Jon pointing at were Jason and Steph continued to argue about the music, Duke and Cass now enjoying their exchanged while eating popcorns.

“At least Grayson has stopped with the puns,” he was starting to question why the hell he had accepted Jon’s idea, this was bound to end in disaster.

“Well, actually I think he is telling my mum that story about the Napkin man.”

Jon could not help but smile at his groan. Maybe their families were a bit… chaotic when they met, but he actually enjoyed spending time together like this. As long as he kept a safe distance between him and Jason’s guns there should not be a problem (he still remembered when the Red Hood first discovered he was dating his younger brother, that had been a fun chase). And deep down he knew Damian enjoyed them too, but his boyfriend was too stubborn to admit it.

“I just don’t understand why you insisted so much on this.”

The box in his pocket seemed to get heavier with his words. They have been dating for almost eight years, living together for six of them. While he worked as a journalist in the Daily Planet, Damian had his hands full with inheriting the Batman legacy and leading the new Gotham Justice team along with Duke, although he still made some art exhibitions from time to time. He still went out as Superboy, mostly with Damian, but the defence of Metropolis had gone mainly to Supergirl and Conner, who now called himself Supernova. Their fathers had told them they would soon pass their mantle to them and Jon had decided he wanted to ask the big question before that happened.

“D, mind walking with me for a minute?”

Damian raised an eyebrow confused as to why his boyfriend wanted to walk on the same fields that had seen him grow, but he decided it would be way better than staying there. They walked while holding hands, chatting about their little things until they reached a familiar forest.

“Does it ring a bell?” Jon smiled.

“This is where we first met,” realised Damian. “Well, when I kidnap you after discovering you were a threat to society.”

“Well, you suspicious turned out to be correct, only not to society,” he winked at him. “Only a threat to you.”

“Hmm,” Damian wrapped his hands around his neck. “Maybe I should have let you tied on the examination table of the Batcave.”

“Then, you wouldn’t have this.”

Jon then proceeded to kneel in front of him, taking the box out of his pocket. Damian didn’t say anything but his eyes widened.

“Damian Wayne,” he proclaimed. “I never thought I could hate anyone more than the first time I met you. But with time, you showed me the great person you are. Because many might think of you as brash and arrogant, but I know your actions speak more than your words. I have seen you bleed for your teammates, cry for your brothers and sister and take care of your pets as if they were the most valuable thing on this planet,” he opened the box to show a ring with a green gemstone. “You became my best friend and later the love of my life and I can’t think of a better person to share the rest of my life with so… would you do me the super honour of becoming my husband?”

“Did you have to add the super thing?” but Damian was smiling and he could swear his eyes were shinning. “Of course I do, you sap.”

Jon did not waste any time jumping to capture his lips while putting the ring on his finger. The gem was the same shade in his eyes and the moment Jon saw it he knew he wanted his boyfriend to wear it.

“I’m going to make you the happiest man on Earth,” he whispered between kisses.

“I already am.”

There were still a lot of hardship to face, millions of adventures waiting for them on the corner, but in that instant, in the same forest where they met, both could feel the strength of their bond. A union that could not be broken by time or dangers, a connection that will be with them until the time they expired their last breath. So for the moment, they enjoyed this moment and the pure bliss of knowing they would never be alone as long as the other was next to them.

#jondami week #jondami week 2021 #jondami #damijon #damian wayne #jon kent #jonathan samuel kent #super sons #batman media #superman media #fanfic

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huilian · 4 years

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Character: Cassandra Cain, Tim Drake, Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown, Dick Grayson, Damian Wayne

Summary: One person's hobby can quickly be the entire family's business, especially with a family like this (aka, Cass's adventures with ballet featuring her relationship with her siblings and Steph)

***

It’s rare that Cass would willingly sit in front of a laptop for an extended period of time for something that is not a case. It’s even rarer that her schedule would coincide with Tim’s enough to allow them to be sitting in front of their laptops together. (Well, separately, but in the same room at the same time. So, close enough to being together.)

It’s only because Tim has been expecting it for a few minutes now that the sound of a laptop being slammed closed doesn’t startle him. Tim looks up to find Cass putting her head into her hands while saying, “Ugh.”

“What’s wrong?”

“This… this damned website!” Cass all but shouts. “How am I supposed to know which shoes fit me best if I haven’t worn them ever? I’m reading your website to figure that out!”

“Umm… Cass?” Tim is now confused. Very confused. “Can you backtrack a little? What shoes?”

“Ballet shoes!”

“I thought you have them already? What shoes have you been wearing to class then?” Cass has been taking dance classes for months now. She must have ballet shoes, there’s little to no chance of her doing all those classes barefooted. Tim knows that ballet requires special shoes, which is about 50% of his current knowledge about ballet.

“Not those shoes. These are the… the… the pointe shoes!”

Tim is now even more confused. “So? There you go. The shoes you’re looking for are those pointe shoes.”

“No! There’re different kinds of them!”

“Huh?”

“Different brands and models and years and… and the endless modifications!”

“Okay.” Tim raises his hands placatingly. This sounds like an information problem, which he can help with. “Can I maybe, you know, look at the website? Maybe I can help?”

Cass slides her laptop to Tim. Tim closes his own laptop, then opens Cass’. Fifteen tabs greet him from the screens of Cass’s laptop. Tim sees that this is not the only window opened, and is then greeted with another three windows, each having tabs ranging from ten to thirty. Huh. It’s usually Tim who has that problem, opening too many tabs and windows and finding himself trapped in an information hellhole before he looks up to find that he has spent the entire day reading about the probabilities of oak tree getting struck by lightning.

Thankfully, that same thing has prepared Tim for this day. He quickly skims about every other tab. About a quarter of them is measuring tips, half of them are blogs with fitting and choosing tips, some are lists of pros and cons, and the rest are catalogs.

“Are all of these for choosing pointe shoes, Cass?”

“Yes,” Cass grits out.

“I… I never knew there are so many brands of pointe shoes.”

“Exactly! How am I supposed to choose if there’s so many of them!”

Tim, armed with his years of experience of sorting through bullshit on the internet, finds the most promising blog article titled ‘How To Choose Your Pointe Shoes: Guide to Getting the Best Shoes’ and starts to read.

“It says to go for a professional fitting? Maybe we should do that.” Cass makes a sound of protest. “I can start researching, but it’ll take ages and I’m not sure I’ll get it right. I’m pretty sure that poor pointe shoes fitting causes injuries, Cass. When do you need it anyway?”

Cass mumbles something. Tim, whose attention is now partially reading the section titled ‘Shank Strength’ and wondering what on earth a shank even is, doesn’t catch it at first. Then, the connecting nerves between his ears and his brain rebooted, and Tim screeches out, “Tomorrow? Yeah, no. We’re going to a professional fitting right now.”

“Ugh.”

“Cass,” Tim says, drawing out the syllable.

“Ugh.”

“Come on.”

“Ugh.”

“You’re seriously gonna make me read all of this before tomorrow? Have some mercy, Cass,” Tim teases. But seriously, he doesn’t want to have to read all of it in the short time-frame he has. He can do it, but then he’s gonna skip dinner and forgoes sleep and rest entirely and he just got Alfred to stop hounding him to go to sleep after his latest incident . He doesn’t want to have to do it again.

“You’re gonna do it anyway.” He is, but still. It’s the thought that counts. “Fine. It can’t be worse than comparing the box length of Grishko and Bloch.”

“Great! Let’s go!”

“Do you know where?”

Tim freezes. “Shit.” Now he still has to research the fitter in Gotham, and vet the places, and do all sorts of things he was hoping to not have to do by going to a fitter. Damn it.

Cass, being the absolute horrible sister that she is, just laughed at him.

“It’s your shoes, Cass! You do it!”

“No. You read about it. It’s your project now,” Cass smiles triumphantly.

“You are the worst.”

“I am the best.”

***

Jason only comes to the Manor to return Alfred’s pans, swear to god. There’s about half a dozen of Alfred’s pans (because even though it’s Bruce’s money that bought them, they are Alfred’s pans) in his latest apartment, and it’s getting ridiculous. Maybe take a book or two from the library while he’s there, because even with all of Bruce’s fault, he still keeps the library well-stocked with Jason’s favourite books.

So how come that leads to him being dragged by Cass to the Cave?

“Cass. Cass, please,” he tries.

Cass’ response is only to drag him even faster. How a girl half his size has the strength to drag him down the Cave’s stairs, Jason doesn’t know.

“Cass.”

“You said you don’t have anything else to do today. So you can do this.”

“Well, Cass, I-”

“It’ll be fun. You only have to sit. You can even read the entire time.”

“What if-”

“Alfred agrees.”

Jason sighs. “I doubt this is what he meant when he told you to go somewhere else to practice, Cass.”

“I asked him. He agrees.”

Jason sighs again. The problem is, she did ask Alfred, and Alfred did agree. Though why Cass chose to ask Alfred for permission to use Jason as a living, human barre for her ballet practice after Alfred banished her from using the kitchen countertop is a mystery. Maybe she thinks that Jason is not going to protest if Alfred said yes?

“Why me? You can have literally anyone to be your personal barre, Cass.”

“You are the right height.”

There’s nothing to say to that, is there? What’s Jason going to do, argue that he is not the right height? He doesn’t even know how high a ballet barre should be. Besides, Cass is right. Alfred already said yes, and he even went so far as expressing his delight in seeing Jason interacting with his siblings outside of their ‘nighttime activities’. So there’s that. There’s no arguing with Alfred when he had given out his verdict like that.

They arrive at the Cave, and then Cass drags Jason towards the empty space somewhere in between the sparring mats and the computer. Then, she lets Jason’s arm go, which should be enough of an opening for Jason to escape, but Jason knows what Cass can do. She’ll just catch him and drag him back. Jason accepts his fate and stays put even when Cass leaves his side to in search of a chair. Cass finds one, then drags it over, and then says, “Sit.”

Jason, who knows that this girl can easily force him to sit, sits. Cass smiles and nods her approval. She scrolls down on her phone for a while, and then music fils the Cave via the speaker system Bruce installed. Jason allows himself a small shake of the head. It’s just like Bruce to install a speaker system and then let it go to waste by preferring to brood in silence.

Cass puts her hand on Jason’s shoulder, and starts dancing. The hand is feather-light throughout her first combination, and Jason knows enough about ballet to know that this meant Cass doesn’t particularly need a barre to do the movements.

But. Well. It’s not half bad, watching his sister dance in between reading his book. That, coupled with the knowledge that Alfred is somewhere upstairs, most definitely preparing Jason’s favorite foods, made Jason relax.

“Stop moving!” Oh. Jason relaxing meant that his shoulder is now not in the same place it was before.

Jason smiles and says, “Sorry, sorry,” surprising himself that he actually meant the apology.

***

“Cass? Are you there?” Cass had promised to teach Steph a new throw today, but she’s not in the Cave, so Steph is now up in Wayne Manor, hoping she’ll find Cass in her room. “Cass? You promised to show me that throw, remember?”

Steph hears movement from inside Cass’ room, so she opens the door, considering Cass to be well and truly notified of her presence by her hollering in the hallway, only to be greeted with the sight of Cass with surgical tape and cotton balls in her hands. Steph goes to full-alert mode immediately, because anything or anyone that can get Cass to be hurt is a huge threat.

(Steph still hasn’t forgotten about Lady Shiva.)

“Cass, are you alright?” Steph says.

“I’m fine.”

“Where are you hurt? Do I need to call Alfred? Or dr. Thompkins?”

“I’m fine, Steph,” Cass’ voice is calm, but Steph has seen her take a bullet and still talks in the same calm voice as she is using now, so that is not an accurate meter to gauge Cass’ wellbeing.

“You’re holding bandages, Cass. You’re hurt.”

“I’m fine. Watch out for the bucket.”

“Bucket? What bucket?”

“That bucket,” Cass points to her right.

“Why do you need a bucket?” Steph pauses, then the implication of a bucket in Cass’ bedroom hits her. “Are you sick as well?”

“No, it’s for my toes.”

Toes? What? “Okay, back up. Your toes?”

“Ballet.” Oh. Oh . Now that Steph is no longer worried that Cass is going to bleed out, she realizes that Cass is not putting on the tapes, but pulling it off. Oh, again. “Can you push the bucket here?”

Steph pushes the bucket, which Steph now notices is filled with ice, towards Cass with her foot. Cass puts her feet inside, groaning all the way.

“Ballet?” Steph asks. It seems weird that something so innocent can make Cassandra Cain react this extensively. But again, Steph has long learned not to underestimate anything.

“Ballet,” Cass answers.

“Is it the pointe shoes thing? I’ve read about it somewhere. That’s why I don’t want to go into ballet,” Steph says, lifting up a towel that’s next to Cass and replacing its position.

“Yes.”

“Does it hurt?” Steph puts her head on Cass’ shoulders, looking up a while to check whether or not this is okay.

“Yes,” Cass says, both as an answer for Steph’s question and Steph’s unspoken question.

“Can you still teach me that throw?”

“Yes. Give me a few minutes.”

“Okay.” They sit in silence for a while, until Steph suddenly has a thought. “Is it weird that you can take bullets without flinching, but groans at this, or is it just me?”

Cass hums. “It’s a different kind of pain. Never had it before. Not prepared for it.”

“Okay, but is it weird, or is it just me?”

“It’s weird.”

“Are you ready to teach me that throw now?”

“Sure.” Cass pulls out her feet and motions for the towel. “Don’t expect me to go easy on you just because of this.”

Steph hands her the towel, and says, “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

***

Dick is walking down the hallways of the Manor when he hears Cass swearing from inside a bathroom. Normally, that wouldn’t be a cause of alarm, but since the only reason he’s at the Manor today is because Cass has a ballet recital and everyone is going to go watch it, Dick calls out, “Cass? Is there something wrong?”

“No!” Cass’ voice replies. “Yes! No! I don’t know!”

Okay, that warrants further investigation. “Can I come in?”

Cass makes an affirmative sound, so Dick opens the door, just in time to see Cass putting on false eyelashes in a truly dangerous fashion. As in, almost putting it straight into her eyes. Yeah, something is wrong.

Of course, the false eyelashes do not stick the way it’s supposed to, because Cass is not putting it on properly. Cass swears, again, and picks up the fallen eyelashes from the sink. Dick has seen enough.

“Do you know how to put those on?” Dick says.

“No! Why do they keep falling down? I’m doing it exactly the way they told me to!”

Dick takes a look to the false eyelashes on Cass’ hands, then to Cass’ eyes. “It’s too long for your eyelids, Cass.” Dick frowns. It has been a while since he has to handle false eyelashes. “At least, I think that’s why they keep falling down.”

Cass, who has been furiously dabbing glue to the false eyelashes, looks up to him with wide eyes. “You know how to do this?”

“I mean… I guess, yeah? My mom used to put this on for performances. She would let me help, sometimes.”

“You know how to do this!”

Dick takes a look at Cass’ hopeful face, then says, “Do you want me to do it for you?”

“ Please .”

“It’s been a while since I’ve put this on on anybody. It’s not going to be perfect.”

“ I don’t care . Just put it on.”

“Okay, then. Do you have scissors?”

Cass looks at him, and scrunchs her nose as she says, “No.”

“I’ll get one. Do you want to…,” Dick searches his memory for the times he helped his mom put on false eyelashes, “...clean the glue from the eyelashes? Too much glue will make it stick less, if I’m not wrong.”

“How come too much glue makes it stick less ?”

“I think it’ll make it stiff or something. My mom always cleans the glue off before putting it on. You don’t have to, if you don’t want,” Dick says, but Cass is already picking off the dried glue from the false eyelashes.

When he returns with scissors that’s suitable enough ( not the kitchen scissors, Master Dick), Cass is already sitting down on the toilet.

“Are you still sure about this? I’m not sure I can do a good job, Cass.”

“You will not be worse than me,” Cass says, which, considering she almost poked her eye out trying to put it on, Dick is inclined to (grudgingly) agree.

“Alright. Close your eyes.”

Cass obediently closes her eyes. Dick picks up the false eyelashes from the sink and starts to measure it to Cass’ eyes.

“You did this a lot,” Cass says.

“What? Make-up?”

Cass hums. “ Stage make-up.”

“Oh. I guess, yeah, back at the circus. I didn’t have to put on false eyelashes, though.” Dick dabs on the glue to the eyelashes and starts to gently place it to Cass’ eyelids. “But everything else, yeah. Can you open your eyes?”

Cass opens her eyes, and that makes it clear that one of the ends is misplaced. Dick makes a motion for her to close her eyes again.

“Can you do the rest of my make-up too?” Cass says while Dick is pulling down the misplaced end.

Dick stops, surveys the state of Cass’ face, noting the base already on and the mostly done eye make-up, then says, “You just need some blush and lipstick, and you’re done.”

“Do it anyway.”

Dick exhales out a small laugh. “Fine, little sister. Is there anything else I can do for you, oh most talented princess?”

Cass’s response is to stick out her tongue.

“Don’t do that! You’ll make it harder for the lipstick to stay on!”

Cass opens one eye (one that’s not the one Dick is working on now, thank god) and locks eyes with Dick as she proceeds to lick her entire lip. Dick should be annoyed, but he just laughs harder.

***

Damian watches his sister dance in the exercise room. Not the practice and training space down in the Cave, but in the exercise room upstairs that Father remade to be a dance floor with floor-to-ceiling mirrors after too many incidents of pointe shoes flying in the Cave. Cassandra is truly a master of her body, and watching her do this, a very different use of her body than fighting, is mesmerizing. Damian has watched Cassandra’s dancing before, of course, the entire family went out to watch Cassandra’s recital, but that was with make-up and costume and stage-lights. This, just Cassandra with her leotard and tights in the bare room, is somehow a purer and more hypnotizing version.

It has been brought to Damian’s attention that he should do more moving sketches. Damian reviewed his drawings and concluded that that suggestion has value. He has been drawing more still-life lately, and it would be well to branch out from it. So here he is, debating whether or not to ask Cassandra to allow him to sketch her in her practice.

Damian is tempted to just start drawing, but Richard had said to ask for permission before drawing anyone after Damian had just started sketching his brother’s acrobatics practice. Before Damian can decide on anything though, Cassandra notices him and beckons him over.

“Cain,” Damian greets.

Cassandra tilts her head.

Well, now or never, Damian supposes. With her body-language reading capabilities, Cassandra might already know what Damian is there to do and is simply waiting him out. “May I sketch your dancing?”

Cassandra smiles. “Of course, little brother.” And without waiting for further clarification, she simply moves backward enough to not kick Damian with her dancing and starts where she left off. Damian, perplexed but satisfied enough not to make a fuss, sits down on the wooden floor and opens his sketchbook. He has never sketched a person dancing ballet before, and this is a welcome challenge.

As if she knows what is going on, Cassandra switches her routine, moving to a slower piece with lots of holds and balances, all without losing her graceful movements. It is infinitely easier to sketch this routine, especially with Damian never drawing ballet movements before.

Damian doesn’t say anything. He has a feeling that his sister already knows his appreciation for the change. Why be redundant and say it?

It’s a surprisingly pleasant way to spend an afternoon, especially when Cassandra grows tired of watching Damian sketch and drags him into joining her in a routine. He protests at first, only to give in eventually. And if he ends the session with laughter, well, nobody has to know.

(And if he plans on giving Cassandra a painting of her dancing sometime in the future, well, nobody has to know that either.)

#dc #cassandra cain #tim drake #jason todd #stephanie brown #dick grayson #damian wayne #fic #lian writes #batmanbingo2020

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fanpom-imagines · 5 years

Text

Imagine being a Bat Sibling.

Masterlist

Fandom: DC Comics

Words: 843

Warnings: it’s really fluffy and has a sweet ending

(Gender Neutral Reader)

“Bruuuuuuuuuuuuce!” A scream is heard from somewhere within the manor, “Jason isn’t getting his legs off of me!”

Bruce sighed as he heard his kids arguing once more. As he heard another shout he grumbled out another comment under his breath before lifting up his head and yelling out.

“Jason leave your sister/brother alone!”

“I didn’t do anything!” Bruce heard Jason yell back in protest.

“He’s not leaving (L/N) alone!” Damian screamed out and right afterward there was a yelp heard.

“Shove it you snitch!” Jason screamed out as fighting noises ensued.

Bruce groaned out as he heard something break and his kids arguing over who’s fault it was. Before even trying to block the sounds out of his head there was a knock at his door. He groaned out as he rubbed his eyes in frustration and fatigue.

“Come in,” He said and Alfred entered through his office doors.

“Sir, the children are once again in a quarrel with one another,” Alfred informed him.

“I’ve heard Alfred and thank you,” Bruce told him and Alfred slightly bowed to him before leaving the room to go off and do the things that have kept this mansion from falling apart for decades now.

Bruce begrudgingly got up and made his way towards the living room. Knowing he was going the right direction when he heard the sounds of clashing and yelling become louder.

When walking into the living room he saw Jason holding down Damian who was digging his nails into his older brother whilst trying to bite him while (Y/N) was harshly smacking Jason over the head with a pillow. And all along Tim just watched from the couch right next to the fight as he sipped on what Bruce could assume was coffee. Before Bruce could even intervene Dick popped out of nowhere trying to get the pillow away from (Y/N) who wrestled with her/his older brother over the pillow.

Dick gave it an extra hard jank sending himself backwards into his butt while (Y/N) fell backwards as the pillow was janked out of her/his hands which in turn caused her/him to fall top of Tim who yelped out in unison with his sibling at the clash of their bodies and Tim’s hot coffee spilling on the both of them.

“Oh my God, Tim, (Y/N), I am so sorry,” Dick said as he quickly was by his siblings’ side making sure the two of them were okay.

Tim and (Y/N) shared a look before Tim poured the remainder of the coffee onto Dick’s head and (Y/N) grabbed a pillow from the side of the couch and slammed it straight in his face. Dick fell to his side and stared shocked at his siblings before smirking and another fight ensued.

Bruce groaned internally as he made his way to his kids he pulled (Y/N) and Tim off of Dick and Damian off of Jason who was on his shoulders trying to either pull his older brother’s hair out or trying to choke him.

“Knock it off all of you,” Bruce said as he glared at his kids who awkwardly stood and avoided contact with their father’s eyes.

“But Jason…” (Y/N) started out, but was cut off by Bruce’s harsh Batdad glare.

“I don’t care who started it I’m here to finish it,” Bruce said and when he turned around to make his way back to his office he was fated with his face meeting a pillow that Cass swung at him.

Everyone froze at Cass’ actions. Neither expecting Cass’ actions nor knowing what Bruce’s reaction would be. Without missing a beat though Bruce recover and started to tickle the girl who let out a laugh.

The siblings stared in amazement at their father and sister. Their minds just shit down at never seeing this side of either of them.

(Y/N) snapped out of her/his shocked amazement and she hopped onto her/his father’s back trying to get him off of his sister in a joking manner. Bruce let out a laugh of sorts as he tried to pull (Y/N)’s arms away from his neck which caused the other siblings to go and attack their father.

While everyone was in a pile of limbs and bodies Duke had ended up joining in as well as he tickled (Y/N)’s sides who let go of Bruce in return as she/he tried to get Duke to let her/him go. Dick came to (Y/N) rescue as he picked up Duke, but the two of them fell over as they somehow ended up tripping over Damian who had in some way gotten under them.

As chaos and laughter enveloped the living room none of the Wayne’s saw Alfred in the corner smiling at the family. Because for the first time in a long time all of the Wayne’s were laughing and having fun as if there was no worry in the world. As if it were only them.

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themusicplayedherlife · 4 years

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If you have a request box and it’s open can I get a Tim x demigod reader. Tim is a son of Hermes and the reader is a daughter of Athena. The reader only likes hanging out with the seven pulse Nico, Will, Grover, and Calyps. The adult figures are Mr. D and Chiron. She only hangs out with the seven Nico, Will, Grover, and Calypso and had been in every quest with Percy and the rest since Percy got to camp. The reader is antisocial and an introvert. Tim somehow worms his way into her heart.

a/n: i am so sorry this is so lateeee! you have no idea how many times i started this and rewrote it. you really gave me a hard challenge lol but it’s here and i hope you like it

Tim couldn’t stop staring. He knew it was probably weird and he should look away, but it’s fascinating watching you swing your sword. You’re so graceful, so calm and collected when you flex your wrist to make a harsh cut in the air.

“What are you staring at?” is the question that drags him out of his dream like state.

Looking up, he finds his brother staring down at him. Well, not really his brother, but someone he considered as such nonetheless. They grew up together, even though they didn’t share the same god or human parent, just a legal guardian that gave them a home when all hope seemed lost. But he was as much of a brother, maybe even more, as his cabin mates were.

“Nothing,” is his nonchalant answer. Dick already knows what he’s staring at, anyway, he doesn’t even need to ask, but he loves teasing him about his crush.

Dick snorts. “Yeah, sure, I believe you.”

Practice swords clash and grunts fill the air. You stand at the ready, not giving into Percy’s playful taunts. Growing bored, Percy finally rushes at you and you easily sidestep him and swing, getting Poseidon’s son square on his back.

“Stop sulking and go talk to her,” Dick suddenly says after a beat of silence.

Tim can’t help but wrinkle his nose in annoyance. As much as he loves his brother, he really wishes he were less meddlesome.

You flip your hair back and stare down Percy as he tries to counterattack, but you get him again, right behind the knees, Annabeth shouts your praises and it causes Percy to pout and turn to look at his girlfriend, once more leaving himself wide open for you to attack.

“Easy for you to say,” Tim mumbles. “You get along with everyone.” Must be the Aphrodite genes in him.

“Because I make an effort.” Dick nudges Tim’s head with his finger before ruffling his hair just as Percy throws his sword to the ground and raises his arms. “Look, she and Percy are done training for the day, now is your chance.”

This is his chance! He hops to his feet, but suddenly his feet stop as his mind starts over thinking. What if… “What if she wants to be on her own?”

He knew how guarded you were, after all, you had been betrayed in the worst way possible. Betrayed by someone you trusted and looked up to; someone who was like an older brother to you. While Tim was hurt to find out that a housemate—a sibling no less was behind the betrayal, it didn’t have the same impact on him as it did on you. You had been devastated, full of anguish as you tried to deny what became so clear (if any of his siblings—Dick, Jason, Cassandra or Damian—did half of what Luke did, he would’ve lost his mind). He wonders if that’s why you choose to keep to yourself? Avoid the hurt that someone could cause you by keeping your friend circle so tight and close?

He’s an idiot. Of course it is.

Dick rolls his eyes. “Just go-“ he pushes him forward- “and talk to her!”

“What do I even say?” He asks in a panic.

“Ask if you can sit together for dinner!” Dick suggests. “Or if she’d like to train with you tomorrow! You got this, Timmy!”

Yeah. Yeah! He does have this! He can totally do this! Tim nods resolutely, ready to march up to you and ask if you’d like to sit with him, only to find you’re no longer on the training ground. His shoulders fall and he lets out a loud sigh.

With a sympathizing chuckle and a pat on the back, Dick says, “Next time.”

“Yeah, next time,” Tim murmurs.

He tries his luck as you’re cleaning your weapons, a hand me down celestial-bronze sword from Annabeth and two identical blades gifted to you by Damasen when you fell into Tartarus with your sister and Percy.

You were pretty territorial with your stuff, preferring to clean them and wield them yourself. He’s only ever seen you let Annabeth touch them, and only because she gave you your first weapon.

“Hey,” Tim speaks up slowly, gaining your attention, and you pause in your ministrations. “Um, sorry, do you mind if I—“ he points at the cleaning wax and everything you have laid out to keep your weapons in top condition.

Your eyes fall to the spread in front of you and you nod, raising an eyebrow in his direction.

“Thanks,” he mutters and he gently lays out his own weapons gifted to him by Bruce. They’re not the most traditional of weapons like yours or most in camp and he can tell you’re intrigued by the way your eyes linger on them. “Uh, do you want to try using it?” he asks, motioning to his custom bo staff, made out of celestial-bronze, with his hands.

You shake your head, but the curiosity lingers in your gaze and Tim feels his heart speed up when you don’t look away. “How do you kill monsters with it?”

“I—I don’t,” he answers truthfully. “It disorients them, gives my brothers or Cass a chance to finish them off.” You nod slowly, unsure if that’s such a wise idea. Monsters don’t attack to disorient, they attack to kill, so why shouldn’t he? “But I do sometimes use it as a makeshift sword,” he jokes and for a moment he swears he hears a small puff of air that sounds kind of like a giggle.

It’s enough to have him grinning widely.

“Hey—“ a voice interrupts—Nico. When did he arrive at camp? “You done, yet?” He asks you, not even acknowledging him, which isn’t much of a surprise. Hades’ son tends to keep to himself, preferring to travel on his own, too, but occasionally he’d seek you or the others out for companionship.

“Just about,” you answer him, voice lighter and full of warmth. A tinge of envy shoots through his veins. He wonders when you’ll be able to direct that voice in his direction. “Give me a moment to wipe off—there.” You pause and your eyes lock with his for just a moment. “Do you mind putting all of this away?”

“No,” he answers dumbly, unable to break eye contact with you. “No, I don’t mind.”

“Thanks, Drake,” you murmur and quickly put your weapons away to join Nico for who knows what.

He hopes he can spend more time with you next time.

Next time comes a lot sooner than Tim thought it would.

He can’t sleep. It’s not the first time, either. His cabin mates usually make fun of him, say his mind is always running and that’s why he’s never able to rest. He’s starting to believe there might be some truth to their words.

With a sigh, he carefully sneaks out of the cabin, grabbing his red hoodie as he goes. He follows the path to the woods where he knows he’ll find some peace and quiet. He knows he shouldn’t stray far, even with Wayne Tech and the fleece protecting the perimeter, you could never be too careful. He doesn’t go too far from camp, but far enough where he’s sure Connor won’t find him and try to pull some kind of prank on him when he realizes he’s gone.

The twigs snap under his feet as he gets closer to the lake where all the naiads play in during the day. He knows they’re all asleep by now and shouldn’t bother him, or so he thought.

Hands wrap around his wrist, ready to throw him over their shoulder with all of their weight, but Tim is quick. He’s able to pull away and wrap his own arms around his attacker—why are they so light?—and is able to throw them both on the ground where he successfully managed to pin them down.

Peering down at the person pinned beneath him, his eyes widening almost comically, embarrassment finding a home on his cheeks. Shit.

“Drake?” Your eyes are just as wide and shocked as his, mouth parted slightly as you stare up at him unblinkingly.

Your name falls from his lips the same way, unsure if it’s really you beneath him right now or some kind of mind trick.

The shock drains from your eyes and you grow serious, suddenly bucking him off of you. He gets the hint and quickly scrambles to his feet.

“I’m sorry, you just grabbed me and I—“

You ignore his rambling, wiping dirt off of your pants. “Why are you out here? You know it’s dangerous.”

His brows furrow and he fixes his hoodie. “Could say the same to you.”

You eye him, head tilting and he has to tell himself to keep eye contact—don’t break, don’t break. He swears he can get lost in those endless shimmering eyes of yours. You sigh and turn away first and Tim let’s out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Same,” he answers, voice coming out as a broken squeak. He curses himself for not keeping his voice leveled. He really has it bad doesn’t he?

You don’t say anything, instead you head towards a small patch of grass by the glistening water of the lake and plop down. You bring your knees up to your chest and you just sit there, and Tim doesn’t know how, but he somehow manages to find the courage and strength to drop himself down beside you.

He waits for a beat, and when you don’t tell him to leave, he relaxes, one leg stretched outward and his palms resting against the ground as he leans back.

You spend the rest of the night in companionable silence.

Tim thankfully has the option to opt out of Capture the Flag this week. On his mini quest with Jason and Cassandra, he got hurt pretty bad saving a child from a wild hellhound terrorizing a small town on the outskirts of Gotham. Not that he’s happy that he got hurt, because ouch hellhound teeth digging into skin is the worst thing he has experienced, and that’s saying a lot as a Demi-god and Robin.

Don’t get him wrong, he gets why everyone gets super excited about it, but sometimes—members of the Ares cabin, like Jason, especially—get super competitive and it becomes this whole thing where everyone fights all day and they take more jabs at one another than usual.

“You still ain’t good, kid?”

Tim spares a glance over his shoulder at Jason, who is geared up and ready. Dick and Cassandra flank his sides both in their own personal gear.

“Hellhound got me pretty good.”

Dick ruffles his hair. “I’ll see if I can get Chiron to spare some Nectar or Ambrosia after the game.”

He had some when he arrived at camp, but it wasn’t enough for a Hellhound bite apparently. “That’d be great. Thanks, Dick.”

“Stay safe,” Cassandra mutters patting his arm before making her way over to her other team members with excitement. He forgets how much she loves Capture the Flag.

Dick shakes his head and Jason chuckles lowly, the two following after her.

“Good luck!”

“Won’t need it,” Jason barks back at him, smirking.

He rolls his eyes and pities the fool that’ll have to take on his brothers and sister.

“Here,” a soft voice says just as a small bag of squared treats falls on his lap and he startles, barely catches it before it can drop to the ground. “I had some extra Ambrosia lying around.”

He blinks at the food and then up to find you looking away from him, your friends just a few feet away.

“I’ve never fought a hellhound, but Percy and Annabeth said they can be pretty vicious.”

“Are you sure—“

“Yeah,” you cut him off, finally meeting his gaze, a small smile on your beautiful face that has his heart racing and the wound in his leg throbbing. “Keep out of trouble, Tim.”

Tim. You called him Tim! This is—that’s great news! Just as he’s registering his name drop, he realizes you’re already walking away from him to join the rest of your friends waiting off to the side.

“Thanks,” he calls out to you and you glance at him over your shoulder, eyes scrunching up and lips turning up in one corner. Shit. How is it that one simple smirk can turn his world upside down and kick his heart into overdrive? It should be illegal to make someone feel so strongly as you make him feel.

If he dies from his hellhound injury right this moment, he wouldn’t regret anything in his life.

Except he would regret a couple of things. He knows over the last few years you’ve been in and out of the camp, following your sister and the rest of your friends on the prophesied quests, but he wishes he had tried to get to know you earlier. Maybe then he’d somehow be connected to your prophecies too, and he didn’t have to worry about you never coming back.

“Relax,” he hears Jason say behind him as he and his siblings wait with him for any signs of you and your friends. “She’s gone through worse trials than this and has made it out alive. She can handle finding her mother’s darn owl.”

“She’s strong,” Cassandra adds with a resolved nod, completely convinced about her words.

“Yeah,” he says breathlessly. “She is.”

“She may have already found the owl,” Dick reassures, clapping him on his shoulder. “She’s probably on her way to Olympus to deliver it and Annabeth said that might take another week.”

Gods, he hopes not.

It’s another day, and Tim wonders if you’re okay. If you’re keeping safe and warm. He knows Frank and Piper wouldn’t let anything happen to you, you three are as thick as thieves, and trust each other with your lives, but he still can’t help it.

He thinks back on that night on the lake, how you just sat side by side in silence, and more often than not, most nights he’d find himself by that lake with you by his side.

The first time you broke the silence, you asked him more about his bo staff, asking how it worked and if he’d regret picking that as his choice of weapon. He told you it was gifted to him, and he trusted his weapon to get him out of messy situations. You just stared at him for a beat longer before nodding in understanding.

That night, after you had both went your separate ways—you to your cabin and him to his, he lay awake as his thoughts run wild.

Those nights, sitting side by side in companionable silence, or in shy conversation as you watch the water sparkle, feels so long ago now.

He grabs a rock, turning it in his hands, weighing it. He gently raises it and is about to flick his wrist to skip it across the water when a soft voice stops him, the rock falling to the ground and rolling away.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” His head slowly turns, as if trying to process that familiar voice—because it can’t be! Annabeth didn’t think you’d come for another week! “Naiads aren’t fond of campers throwing things in their lake.”

He scrambles to his feet and takes in your form—apart from a scratch on your cheek, you seem okay! “You’re home!”

“I’m home,” you repeat, a slow smile making its home on your beautiful face.

Gods! He could just kiss you out of relief!

“I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long,” you murmur shyly and his eyes widen. “I heard from Annabeth you’ve been waiting for me.”

“No!” he interjects loudly, and the water behind him ripples. Shit. Don’t wake up the naiads, Tim! “No,” he tries again softly, “don’t apologize. I’m just, I’m just glad you’re safe.”

It’s quiet out by the lake, not a single bird to be heard or an occasional giggle from a nymph breaking curfew. It’s like everything is holding its breath, watching, waiting to see what might happen. Or maybe it’s just him.

“Okay,” you bend slowly, turning away from him as your smile turns awkward, strained, “well, I just wanted to let you know I’m back, so—“

His hand reaches for your wrist without thinking and you stare at him, smile falling from your face, but you don’t look scared. Your head only tilts and your eyes sparkle with the reflection of the stars, and he knows you’re only curious.

He’s curious, too. Why did he stop you?

“I—“ he closes his mouth, unsure of what to say exactly. His hand drops to his side and he berated himself. He’s already made a fool of himself, no need to keep doing it.

You sigh gently, facing away from him for a moment before taking a couple of steps to stand right in front of him, the tips of your shoes almost touching his. He has to resist the urge to hold his breath, because wow, you’re even more beautiful up close. “Tim, do you—do you like me?”

“What?” he asks dumbly, having not expected you to ask that of all things.

Heat radiated off your pores, eyes drooping and a sweet flush beginning to appear on your skin. “Sorry, I—wow. I’m an idiot. Um. I’m sorry, forget I asked that—“

Before Tim knows what he’s doing, his hands have somehow made a home on your warm skin, and he watches as your eyes widen, mouth parting in a silent question. He knows he’s being oddly intimate, but he didn’t know what else to do! Probably not this! But you’re not pushing him away so that’s a good sign, right? “I—I do,” he admits. “I do like you. I like you a lot. Since the moment my siblings and I arrived and I saw you training with Annabeth.”

“That was so long ago, Tim,” you say, voice a little breathless and he really hopes he hasn’t creeped you out.

“I—I know, but you looked so cool telling her to stop taking it easy on you.”

“I was annoyed,” you whisper.

“Yeah.” He grins slowly, almost in a haze. “But I thought you looked cool.” Your eyes drop to his hoodie as his hands drop to his side. “I just—I just thought you should know since you were asking and—“

“I like you, too,” you admit shyly, eyes meeting his and he swears he can see himself reflected in your eyes surrounded by stars instead of these dark trees. “Somehow, someway, you’ve worked yourself into my heart, Timothy Drake.”

“Oh, man!” He can’t help but laugh, nerves finally slipping from his tense bones, an unfamiliar heat taking over every piece of him. And he wonders if this is what true happiness feels like? “Can I—“ he clears his throat. “Can I kiss you?”

When you nod bashfully, he presses his lips against yours, relishing on the softness of them as your hands cup the back of his neck, and gods, he could just laugh again because this doesn’t feel real. You don’t feel real, but you are real, and you’re so sweet and soft and he can keep kissing you all night, but it’s a shame you both need to breathe at some point. And so, reluctantly he pulls away, only to press his forehead against yours.

“Have dinner with me tomorrow?” he asks, breath fanning over your lips.

You chuckle and he smiles. “I’ll have dinner with you every night, Tim.”

#tim drake x reader #i honestly dont remember anything form the books so this might be off?#and it might not include the characters you asked for because i forgot who Calypso is ;w; so I'm sorry #red robin x reader #tim drake imagine #reader insert #timothy drake x reader #tim drake x y/n #tim drake x you #tim drake

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crashdevlin · 5 years

Text

Bottle-14: Safe House

Bottle Masterlist

Author’s Note: Originally posted to ao3 (This is an edited and improved version), I work in info from the comics (Like Hawkeye was married to Mockingbird and Red Skull had a disappointing daughter) and I took a few liberties with what the scepter could do (but not really because the Mind Stone was used to create the Twins so what I did is not that far-fetched). This is a lot more angst than I realized when I wrote it, but it’s compelling angst.

Summary: Cassandra Campbell is a Stark Industries lab tech with dubious genetics and a history with the new Director of SHIELD. She’s been working in New York since right before the Chitauri invasion. What does she have to do with Loki, and what will happen when he returns? Starts post TDW and continues to the end of AoU.

Pairing(s): Phil Coulson x OFC (Past), Loki x OFC (Non-con), Clint Barton x OFC, Steve Rogers x OFC

Word Count: 4810

Story Warnings: So many, worst (to me) are bolded. Younger woman/older man relationship,non-con, mutilation, torture, mind control, PTSD, depression, alcoholism, forced abortions, bad things (non-con) in a church, insomnia, memory manipulation, eventual consensual oral sex (female and male receiving),

Chapter Warnings: canon-compliant violence, 18+, HERE BE SEX, DON’T READ IF YOU’RE A YOUNG’UN, dub-con dream, canon-divergence (I hated the Laura Barton storyline for various reasons, so I fixed it) Bad German from google translate

Cassie woke up alone, but there was a note next to her head. Had to vacate. I made bacon and coffee. Call me when you wake up.

She smiled and dressed in a pair of jeans and a short-sleeved blue turtleneck. As she poured coffee into a travel mug, she put her cell on speaker and dialed Clint. "Good morning, Hawk."

"Not so much," came through the phone. "Uh, so, Natasha knows."

"What? Are you kidding me?" She twisted the cap on the mug and picked up her cell phone.

"No. We're spies. She didn't like my answer of where I spent my night, so she followed me on the camera footage."

Cassie took a drink of her coffee and groaned, walking out of her apartment. "I'm sorry, Agent Barton. Aren't you supposed to be well-versed in keeping shit secret?"

"Hey, I'm great at keeping secrets. I was on my way to delete the video from the cams in your apartment when Nat told me she got there first."

"Great. So, your best friend, who thinks I'm a cocktease, knows you spent the night in my bed? Wonderful. So, what, did she tell you to stay away from me? You gonna listen to her?" she asked, getting into the elevator. She rested her phone between her ear and shoulder and pushed her right hand onto the biometric scanner above the numbered buttons.

"That's a negative. I answer to you." His voice switched to a military tone.

"And someone just walked up on you. One of the bosses. Tell me you deleted that footage."

"Yes, ma'am."

"I'm on my way up," she said, pressing numbers on the screen to send her to the lab level. She heard someone in the background, sounded like Steve.

"I gotta go," Clint said, into the phone.

"See ya in few," Cassie said, hanging up and putting her phone in her back pocket. As she walked into the lab, drinking down her coffee like ambrosia, she noticed everyone around Natasha at the computer. "What'd I miss?"

"Ultron killed your buddy Strucker," Tony answered, handing a tablet to her. 'STRUCKER, BARON VON' and 'DECEASED' shined up at her, over a picture of Strucker, dead in his cell. 'PEACE' was written crudely on the wall in blood.

"This is a smokescreen. Why send a message when you've just given a speech?" Natasha asked.

"Strucker knew something that Ultron wanted us to miss," Steve caught on.

"Yeah, I bet he..." Natasha started, pulling up the file on Strucker. "Yep. Everything we had on Strucker has been erased."

"Not everything," Steve said, with a smile. "I prefer paper."

"You've got analog files," Cassie said, with a grin. "Thank God for the man out of time. Where are they?"

"There's a storage room down the hall. Strucker files will be there."

The team grabbed the boxes and dug in, Clint taking a box over to the window to be by himself. Cassie stuck by the table, going through a box of Strucker's history. A Hydra file caught her eye, one labeled 'Projekt Kind'. She pulled it as Steve dropped a box on the table. "Known associates. Strucker had a lot of friends."

"Well, these people are all horrible," Banner said, flipping through files.

"Wait. I know that guy," Tony said, pointing at a picture. "From back in the day. He operates off the African coast, black market arms."

Steve gave him an accusatory look, so he quickly defended himself as the picture was passed around the table. Cassie tore her eyes away from the 'Kind' file to stand and look over Thor's arm at the picture. The man looked dangerous, covered in tattoos and heavily muscled. "There are conventions, all right? You meet people, I didn't sell him anything. He was talking about finding something new, a game changer, it was all very 'Ahab'."

"This?" Thor asked, pointing to a red symbol on the man's neck.

"Uh, it's a tattoo. I don't think he had it..." Tony answered.

"No, those are tattoos, this is a brand," Thor responded, showing the picture to the table.

"A brand? Like, a voluntary body mod thing, or... 'we want you to be forever remembered as a criminal' kind of thing?" Cassie asked.

"Well, he operates in Africa. There are still tribes that do that. I mean, the ones that don't just kill you," Clint offered from his place behind Stark.

"Let's find out. I'll scan this picture and find the symbol." Banner said, gently taking the picture from Thor's hands and walking to the computer.

As the computer scanned through thousands of symbols, Cassie opened the 'Kind' file. Most of it was numbers and dates. #1: FEHLSCHLAGEN: 23/5/1978-23/5/1978, #5: FEHLSCHLAGEN: 9/6/1978-9/7/1978 ... on and on with failure after failure, until #452: GELINGEN: 12/9/1989-? LEBENDE EXEMPLAR.

"What are you reading?" Natasha asked from over her shoulder. Cassie hadn't realized how close the Russian was to her.

"Projekt Kind. Me. I'm reading about me, and all the failures that came before me. All the brothers and sisters that died in the petri dish."

"Why was that in with Strucker's stuff?" Banner asked from the computer.

"Because Strucker ran the lab where I was made. It was one of his first assignments, back when he was a balding young Hydra agent, instead of a bald asshole." She flipped the folder shut and looked around the room. "They called me 452, but I never really thought they'd failed 451 times before they got it right. The one before me only lasted a month. I... wonder what they did right with me."

"Don't worry about what they did, just be glad they did it," Tony said, looking at the computer.

"Oh, yeah," Bruce said, as a match came up on the screen. "It's a word in an African dialect meaning 'thief', in a much less friendly way."

"What dialect?" Steve asked.

"Wakanada?" Bruce tried, before turning back to the screen to try again. "Wa... wa... Wakanda."

The word hit something in Cassie's mind. Phil had told her about Wakanda. What had he said? "If this guy got out of Wakanda with some of their trade goods..." Stark started, looking completely exasperated.

"I thought your father said he got the last of it?" Steve said.

"I don't follow. What comes out of Wakanda?" Bruce asked, stepping away from the computer.

Steve and Tony turned their heads to look at Steve's beloved shield. "The strongest metal on Earth."

"Where is this guy now?" Steve asked.

"Africa?" Cassie suggested, taking a drink of her coffee and standing.

"Yeah. A shipyard in Richards Bay, South Africa. East coast, about 600 klicks away from Johannesburg," Natasha said, pulling up a location on the computer.

"Suit up? I'm gonna go suit up. Meet you at the jet," Cassie said, grabbing the 'Kind' file and walking out with it and her mug. As she waited for the elevator, Natasha walked up beside her, grabbing the folder. "What are you doing, Romanoff?"

"You don't need this. It's a deep hole. You're already in one of those. Don't dig yourself deeper." She held the file away from the blond next to her.

"I'm already in one? Really? I wasn't aware."

Natasha turned to her, the file safely behind her back. "You still don't know who you are. I understand that. You have an internal fight going on between you and the occultist Hydra princess," she said the words with a mixture of malice and pity. "You're gonna look at this file and see their plans for you. It's Hydra, so they had your whole life planned out. But you, whoever you actually are, you're not who they wanted you to be. You aren't 452, or Junior. You're Joanna and Cassandra... Red Queen. All of those names, SHIELD and its operatives gave you. Like you said, even your dark side has a respect for human life. This file is not you."

"Why do you care how deep I dig myself? I'm just a tease, right? Nobody you want on your team."

"Because Barton cares, and you've chosen. That's all I asked. You chose Clint and he asked me to be nice. I'm willing to do that. I'm willing to try to be your friend. I'm happy to be your teammate. Just so long as we're all clear that you've chosen and last night wasn't a fluke."

Cassie sighed and walked onto the elevator as it opened. "I chose. Yesterday, I chose. Not because I was scared of some robot, not because he showed up in my bedroom while I was vulnerable and sad... but because I like the blunt, forward child of the '70s... the man who knows me, both sides of me, better than I do. And better than you do."

"Then, we're fine. See you at the jet," Natasha turned and walked back toward the lab, putting the file under her arm.

***************

"All right. Heavy hitters, go in first. That's me, Thor and Cap. Red, Hawk and Widow, you pull a stealth entrance and bring up the rear. Banner stays on the jet unless we need a 'Code Green'," Tony ordered.

Everyone nodded and readied themselves to head onto the ship. Cassie nodded to Clint as he started to climb to a vantage height, but she stuck to the shadows on the lower. She could hear the A Team above her, chatting with Ultron and the twins. "I'm glad you asked that, because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan!" Ultron shouted, before a series of explosions and hits and thuds were heard above her. She pulled her gun from its holster and snuck to a point still mostly covered, but able to take aim at the Ultronbots suddenly flying above, attacking everyone. Two shots to the head of one put it down a few feet from her, and she managed a bullet into the leg of one of Klaue's men. When Steve knocked the fast enhanced into the boxes she was hiding behind, Cassie came around them. No more hiding.

"Stay down, kid," Steve said, before running off.

Cassie pointed her weapon at the Maximoff. "I know you could be gone before I finished pulling this trigger... and even if I could hit you, I wouldn't want a body on my soul, anyway. So, I'm gonna go this way..." She gestured to her left with the pistol. "...and you can go wherever else you want."

The silver haired enhanced looked up at her, then stood, brushing his clothes off. "You have no bodies on your soul? You are Avenger. Is that not requirement for joining?"

She shook her head. "Sie wissen nicht wovon Sie sprechen. [You don’t know what you’re talking about.] You have a vastly distorted view of the Avengers. Your outdated idea of Tony Stark is the problem. But... me... I'm just one of Strucker's experiments gone right. I'm..." Her head went fuzzy as she spoke, and she turned her head to see the sister and a red mist floating around her head. "Vat did you do?" she whispered, accent heavy on her words as her head went fuzzy.

"Guys, is this a code Green?" came through the comms as Cassie tried to blink away the dizziness in her head.

"Thor! Status?" Steve came through next as Wanda and Pietro disappeared from Cassie's field of vision.

"The girl tried to warp my mind. Take special care, I doubt a human could keep her at bay. Fortunately, I am mighty." Thor's voice was muffled by a louder, seemingly omnipresent voice.

"Joanna." Cassie twisted, the sing-song voice sending fear straight to her gut. The ship had been replaced by the lab she used to work in at Stark Tower. She looked down, her super suit replaced by her old lab coat and a light blue blouse... and there he was, inky black hair, blue-green eyes, green and black armor, sitting on the counter between two Bunsen burners on at their highest level. "Clinton, then? You replace me, Asgardian royalty, the son of King Laufey of Jotunheim, with a circus freak?"

She took a step backward, which prompted Loki to jump down and walk toward her. "Loki, I-"

"Don't worry, Joanna. I'm not angry," he said, grabbing a fistful of her hair and pulling her into a kiss. She melted into it, his cold touch forcing shivers throughout her body. "You are my queen, my Red Queen, and I know you love me. I know you love my touch." His long fingers came to her lab coat, pulling it down her arms to drop on the floor.

"That scepter didn't make you scream my name, did it? It didn't leave you dripping your juices down my chin or make you ride my cock like a wench in heat." He turned her, roughly, pushing her chest into the counter and bringing his hands around to unbutton her black work slacks, pushing them down her legs.

"Loki, don't-"

"I know your mind. I know you miss me, Joanna. You refuse to acknowledge it, but I can smell your lies, even the ones you tell yourself. I know how much you long to be in my arms again, how you miss being impaled upon me." His hand slid down her ass and between her legs, rubbing her lips through the thin satin of her panties. He tore the material away and stood, lining his cock up against her and lifting her hips to improve his angle as he rammed his hips forward. "You... are... mine. Only mine... I know your body... such that... I can make... you cum... without even touching... your little bundle of nerves." He hammered his hips forward, causing Cassie to whimper and claw at the slick granite countertop.

He was right. As his hands grabbed her shoulders to hold her steady, an orgasm rushed over her. "Oh, my god," she moaned.

He continued to fuck her past her orgasm, drawing the sensations out longer. "Yes, I am. Do well to remember it, Joanna."

Cassie was suddenly back on the ship, sprawled out on the floor, her body thrumming with arousal. She shuddered and stood. "Natasha, I could really use a lullaby," Tony's voice came over the comm.

"Well, that's not gonna happen. Not for a while. The whole team is down. You got no backup here," Clint answered.

"I'm out... out of it," Cassie whispered. "I can't provide a Brahm's but, do you need help, Stark?"

"Banner's in Johannesburg, I don't know how you'd get there in time. Help Barton corral the rest of the team. I'm calling in VERONICA."

"Good to hear your voice, Red," Clint came over the comms.

"You got a location on the rest of our team?" She wasn't in the mood for pleasantries.

"Cap was swaying in the stairwell, got no clue on the Thunder God."

"Got him," Cassie said, looking up the stairs to the left. She ran up them, coming to a stop in front of Steve. "Steve... Steve. Hey, come back. Come back," she said, snapping her fingers in front of him.

Steve barely moved, so Cassie bent her knees, putting her shoulder against his abdomen and popping up to throw him over her shoulder. "Cap's still out, I'm taking him back to the jet. Grab Widow and meet me there, Barton. We'll take on Thor together."

As she stomped onto the Quinjet, Steve weighing her down, Clint rushed up beside her. "Here, put him down over here." She dropped Steve unceremoniously on one of the jump seats, then rolled her shoulders back. "I'm impressed. Glad for the super strength, huh?"

"Right. Come on. Let's go wrangle an Asgardian," she said, trudging back down the ramp.

"Hey. Are you okay?" Clint asked, following her. "I know the Maximoff chick hit you."

"Clint, can we not? We've just had our asses completely handed to us. You and I are the only ones intact right now, and we've got a God to put on that jet."

"Okay, well... You're gonna tell me what she made you see, right? Later?"

"Sure," she responded, running back up the ramp onto the ship.

*********************************

Clint powered up the jet and flew out as soon as Banner and Stark made it on board. He tried to beckon Cassie to the copilot seat, but she shook her head and took her place on the floor next to the scientist. She didn't say anything or touch the man, just hung her head and listened to the sounds of the Quinjet, all the while wondering what the hell was wrong with her.

Maria's voice came from the cockpit. "The news is loving you guys. Nobody else is. There's been no official call for Banner's arrest but it's in the air."

"Stark Relief Foundation?" Tony asked.

"Already on the scene. How's the team?"

Cassie could almost feel Tony scan the jet with his eyes. "Everyone's... we took a hit. We'll shake it off."

Well, that sounded optimistic.

"Well, for now, I'd stay in stealth mode and stay away from here."

"So, run and hide?"

"Until we can find Ultron, I don't have a lot else to offer."

"Neither do we." There was a moment where the screen clicked off, then Stark said, "Hey, do you wanna switch out?"

"No, I'm good. If you wanna get some kip, now's a good time, 'cause we're still a few hours out."

"A few hours from where?"

"A safe house."

Cassie watched Stark sit in one of the seats and look down at his phone, so she nodded at him and stood, walking to the cockpit to take the copilot seat. "I don't want to talk about it, now. Maybe never, but definitely not now," she said, quietly. Clint just nodded and reached his right hand out to pat her knee. "Thank you."

"Hey, secret shit is what I do. Speaking of, you remember, in Austria I told you about a farm I go to when I need to get my shit straight?"

Cassie nodded. "That's your safe house?"

"Yeah. And, uh, I'm not the only one who lives there," he whispered.

"What, you got a secret wife or something?" she whispered back, leaning over closer to him.

"No, nothing stupid like that, but... I have a brother, Barney. He's got a wife and kids. He's not always... stable and he's... not around a lot. So, I set her, my niece and nephew up with a stable home. Barney and I never got that, and she's a great woman, deserves it, so... Anyway, only Nat knows, so... Assuming Ultron hasn't found out about it, that's gonna be a surprise."

"Wait... Barney Barton... I know that name... Charles, right? He’s Trick Shot now, right?"

"Uh, yeah. How do you know that?"

Cassie turned away from him and looked out the front of the jet. "Phil brought home files sometimes."

"I... remember seeing you snoop a couple times. You never did anything with them though."

"Curiosity. Always trying to learn."

***********

Cassie fell into a dreamless sleep, which was disturbed only when the Quinjet landed outside a farmhouse situated on a green plot of land. "Wow," she whispered, standing. "Home is green."

"Yeah," Clint said, dropping the ramp to let everyone walk out.

"What is this place?" Thor asked, stepping onto the porch.

"A safe house?" Tony said, questioningly.

"Let's hope," Barton muttered, opening the door for them. "Honey, I'm home," he called.

The brunette woman that walked in from the kitchen was very pregnant. She smiled at them. "Let your brother hear you call me 'honey', you'll have even more issues with each other than you already do."

Clint smiled. "Hi. Company. Sorry I didn't call first."

"Clint, it's your house. Your don't have to call ahead." She smiled brightly at the group. "Hey."

"She's clearly an agent of some kind," Tony mumbled to Thor.

"Gentlemen, Cass, this is my sister-in-law, Laura."

"I know all your names."

"Ooh, incoming," Barton said, pulling away from Laura and kneeling down as a boy and a girl ran into the living room.

"Uncle Clint!" the girl yelled, jumping up into his arms.

"Oh, she's been dying to tell you about this boy at school," Laura said.

The girl nodded, excited. "Do I want to know about the boy at school?" he asked.

The girl jumped down, nodding as Stark said, "These are... smaller agents."

"There's a new boy at school, we share recess, and I'm the only one who can talk to him."

"Why's that?"

"'Cause he's deaf and I'm the only one who knows Sign," she said.

Clint smiled, proudly. "Very cool. Is he cute?" He spoke the words as he signed at her. The girl blushed fiercely and puffed her cheeks out. Clint laughed at her reaction, then signed. "Glad you are getting good practice." At the look of confusion from Cassie, he shrugged. "I was kinda deaf for a while. SHIELD fixed me."

"By 'kinda deaf for a while' he means '80% hearing loss for most of his life'," Laura filled in.

"Did you bring Auntie Nat?" the girl interjected as Cassie gave an impressed look.

"Why don't you hug her and find out?" Natasha said, stepping forward. The girl rushed to her and hugged her tightly.

"Sorry for barging in on you," Steve apologized to Laura.

"Yeah, we would have called ahead, but we were busy not knowing you existed," Stark snarked.

"Yeah, well, Fury helped me set this up when I joined. He kept it off SHIELD's files, I'd like to keep it that way. I figure it's a good place to lay low."

"Well, Clint, we missed you," Laura said, with a smile.

"So, I see Barney made his way home," Natasha said, walking up and putting her hands on the woman's belly.

"Yeah. 'Bout seven months ago."

"So... how's little Natasha, huh?" Natasha asked.

"She's... Nathaniel," Laura answered.

"Traitor," Natasha said, leaning down to speak directly at the baby in the woman's belly.

Cassie turned her head as Thor stalked out of the house and Steve followed. "You're Cassie, aren't you?" Laura asked. Cassie turned back to the woman and nodded. "Clint has told me a lot about you."

"Oh, that can't be good."

Laura laughed. "No, it's good, I promise. He couldn't tell me everything, you know, 'classified'." She did air quotes around the word. "...but when you disappeared, he went crazy with worry. He obsessed about finding you. He had all these maps that me and the kids weren't allowed to look at. He'd spend hours pouring over them."

Clint groaned and pulled a knife from his belt. He offered it to Natasha and tapped the back of his skull. "If you could just, please, right here."

"Oh, come on, Clint. I think it's cute. So, where was it that you actually ended up being?" Laura asked, rubbing her hands over her belly.

"Austria."

"Oh. Pretty."

Cassie smiled, awkwardly as her stomach growled. "You mind if I take over your kitchen, Mrs. Barton? I'm feeling a bit... completely famished."

"Oh, sure. I don't mind."

"I'm gonna grab a shower," Tony said.

"Kids' bathroom is upstairs, second door on the left," Clint informed, before following Cassie into the kitchen. "Hey. You all right?"

She opened the fridge and peered in. It was well stocked with produce and meats, three different kinds of fruit juice on the top shelf and a small drawer filled with Lunchables. A twenty-four pack of beer sat on the bottom shelf next to a case of ginger ale. "I wasn't ever... that pregnant. She... looks huge," she whispered. She shook her head and shut the fridge. "Which way to town?"

"What do you mean? What do you need in town?"

"I'm gonna go buy some beer."

"There's beer in the fridge."

She smiled, slightly. "It's so cute that you think that's beer."

"What, you don't like Coors?" he asked, leaning against the oven.

"I have something against a beer that encourages you to drink it cold." Clint raised his eyebrow. "Come on, you've spent enough time in Europe to know that real beer should be warm or, at least, room temp. Why? Because cold dulls the natural flavors of hops and barley and if a beer wants you to drink it cold, they obviously don't want you to actually taste it."

She shrugged. "Farmland, USA, I might be able to find a sixer of Guinness at the 'Five and Dime'. Just point me in the right direction."

"A: It's a dry town. You'd have to go the next county over for a beer. 2: I've got whiskey in the cabinet if you really need a drink, and Charlie: There are a lot of people out there looking for us. You don't need to be going anywhere."

"I'm not an Avenger, not so far as the world knows, Clint. No one is gonna recognize me."

Clint rolled his eyes and switched on the TV set sitting on the counter. BBC World News flicked to life on the screen. "...mysterious young woman carrying Thor onto the Avengers' jet. We apologize for the poor quality of the video. It's from CCTV. It is not clear who this woman is, but what is clear is that she is definitely not human," a petite British newscaster said.

Her co-anchor nodded. "You have to imagine how heavy Thor is, and you can see on that video, she just carries him around like a sack filled with potatoes or flour or something. It's like it takes no effort fer her," the Scottish man said.

"Video's grainy. You can't tell that's me. Look, I'll put on a hoodie and glasses if it'll make you feel better, but I'm going into town and you can't stop me, Hawk. I mean, you're just a human," she said, before sighing and looking down. "I didn't mean for that to be... so rude. I'm sorry. I just... The Maximoff chick got to me and then that... I don't need reminding of what I am. Your sister has some really nice bell peppers in there and I was gonna get some sausage, bratwurst maybe, make us some good ol' Austrian diner food for dinner. I think a hardy meal would help us a lot." She blinked back her tears and shook her head at herself.

"Can you drive?" Clint asked, softly.

Cassie nodded. "Phil taught me. I, also, know how to fly."

"He let you drive LOLA?"

She chuckled. "There was a time when he loved me more than that Corvette. I thought you were watching me. How'd you miss that?"

Clint shrugged. "I knew you weren't going to be doing any shady Hydra stuff with Phil around, so when he came in, I'd take time off. At the beginning, I went home to Bobbi until I got confirmation that Coulson had a new mission. After she... the divorce, I got a cheap apartment in San Luis Obispo that I went to when Phil was around. Mostly just slept and pigged out on sandwiches. Oh, and played PlayStation."

"So, you missed the crash."

"You crashed LOLA?" He looked a mixture of mortified and amused.

"Yeah. First time I got her in the air. Phil was so angry, he couldn't even speak for like 20 minutes after he inspected the damage. Which wasn't a lot, really, just a cracked headlight." She smiled. "It was... three weeks before he let me behind the wheel again, but I never had any other problems. Got my license a few months before I left Cali... Don't really need it in New York. Anyway, closest beer-mart?"

"Why don't I just drive you?" He reached out and grabbed her hand.

"You need to be here. Natasha needs you. Laura and the kids haven't seen you since I've been back from Austria. I'll be fine and I could probably benefit from a little alone time. I deal better in seclusion, remember?"

"Last time you needed seclusion, I spent two months searching for you," he whispered.

"I promise I'll come back. Today, even." She smiled softly and pulled her hand back. "Come on, Hawkeye. Keys?"

Clint sighed and groped behind him, on the counter, for a set of keys. "Take the van. Laura won't mind."

"And where am I going?" she asked, taking the keys with the Planet Fitness key chain and looping them over her first finger.

"Dirt road, take a left on Sycamore, right onto SR107, 20 miles down there's a Wal-Mart Supercenter. Beer, sausages, all that. You better come back. If you don't, I'm gonna have to room with Stark and that'd be torture."

She nodded, looking toward the living room before going on her tiptoes to press her lips to his cheek. She walked past the Bartons and Natasha out of the house.

KITCHEN SINK TAGS @heyitscam99 @wonderlandfandomkingdom @unlikelysamwinchesteronahunt @mrs-meghan-winchester @henrymorganme @lonely-skys @allykat2108

#cassie writes stuff #avengers fanfiction #ofc #red queen chronicles #clint/ofc

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lady-dinah · 5 years

Text

Children of Gotham (Chapter 1)

A series of one shots and stories from the life of one, Grandpa Bruce Wayne. FT. The Batkids as badass parents, and a lot of 'self-help parenting' guides.

(Stems mostly from DC comics/young justice)

Find the series on Wattpad here

CH1: The Small Manor (Dick Grayson's Children)

Summary: No matter how old you get, sometimes it just takes your children, to make you feel young again.

OR Dick Grayson spent a whole week alone, beaten, and too busy saving Bludhaven. Now all he wants is a hug from his dad, and affection from his kids to feel whole again.

Set in DC comics

No edit, we die like mne (I mean I tried, but I'm shit at editing)

"No Barbara, I already checked the cave."

They had been going on like this, back and forth, for almost ten minutes. Don't get him wrong, Dick loves Barbara, she's his anchor, the mother of his children, his partner in crime, but she can be as stubborn as Bruce (and that's saying something). Speaking of his guardian, Dick wandered around the Manor looking for any sign of life or even anything besides this eerie silence. In all honesty he's never noticed how big the mansion was, ironic as it is, the place actually felt pretty small. Back then, when everyone lived under one roof, there was constantly some commotion going on. Whether it was Tim and Damian threatening to kill one another for the 20th time of the day. Or Stephanie blasting her hip hop music, while Cass argued she wanted to play her Mozart playlist instead. Even with Bruce and Jason just grumbling at one other still filled up the bleak noise of the manor.

Now everyone had grown up, moved on. Only Bruce, Alfred, and Damian were permanent residents. Even then, Damian was mostly off world these days. Playing Batman with the Justice League. A pang of guilt gutted his stomach, he didn't want to be that kind of kid who just leaves their dad high and dry once they've moved out and made a life of their own. But these days things have been insanely hectic. Bludhaven had a mass breakout which kept Dick busy all week. The Justice League almost had another invasion on their hands, meaning both Damian, and Barbara, as Oracle, were busy running things. Wayne Enterprises stocks were dropping due to some insider trading, so there goes Tim's time. And God knows what Jason is even doing these days, but even he was clearly occupied since he hadn't called or even texted for the past week.

"Dick?" Barbara called again. "I think I found them."

A sigh of relief escaped his lips, after everything that has been going on. He couldn't handle the onset anxiety of his children possibly missing. Before Barbara and him left for their respective duties, knowing it would be all hands on deck with the situations around them. Dick dropped his kids off at the Manor, hoping Bruce could look after them. The old bat was hesitant at first, at his age caring for a baby and a rambunctious toddler was out his depth. But Dick assured him that his kids would behave, and if Bruce could handle five batkids he could handle anything. Still, he could never forget the nervousness and hesitation as his father held his baby boy for the first time. The eyes of a guardian and a protector instantly taking hold, as the old man carefully held the child like it was made out of glass. And that was the last of Dick seeing his kids and Bruce for almost a week. His heart ached when he slept alone in his bed, all the warmth gone from his wife's cuddles and his children's laughter.

But, the mission came first.

So here was, finally the escapees were back in their respective prisons, those injured taken to a hospital, and Bludhaven was back to its moderate levels of crime. Barbara was on her way back too after being cooped up in the birds of prey tower all week. At least she was in contact with Damian, and her girl group, not to mention the whole of the justice league. Dick was basically all alone for his mission. After the dust settled, he immediately headed towards the manor, desperately wanting a hug from his dad, and just to relish in his children's presence, but when he walked in, no one was home. No noise, no screams, just emptiness. He had called Barbara right after he entered, terrified that something had happened.

After all, it just takes one night...

"They're in the east wing, I think the third room on the left. The hallway with the ugly wallpaper."

Dick chuckled as he made his way up the stairs, his phone warm against his ear. "I'll have you know I chose that wallpaper."

He heard his wife scoff, could tell she was rolling her eyes. "No wonder it's shit. You're sense of style has always been awful."

"I never heard you complaining about discowling."

Barbara let out a breathy laugh. "Of course. That deep V showed all the good parts hunk wonder."

Dick knew where this was going, heat rising to his cheeks as all the tension left his shoulders. "It's been a while since we did play with my suit, hun?"

She hummed in response, making promises of midnight love when she came back. Dick grinned, knowing he would hold her to that oath, but he said his goodbyes and hung up when he finally came to the room where they were supposed to be. Taking a deep breath, he slowly opened the creaking door, light creeping into the dark room. Dick tensed for a second, the shadows playing tricks, making him see the monsters he's dealt with all week, but then the rumbles of snores and quiet huffs instantly put him at ease.

The room was littered with toys and drawings, crayons thrown about and stuffed animals put into a makeshift tea party. Not to mention a toy batmobile and batman thrown haphazardly on the floor. But the best sight of all was seeing the three people snuggled up on the large king size bed. His baby boy lay on top of Bruce's large chest, a pacifier slowly moving to each inhale and exhale. His plump fist held a fist-full of the old man's shirt, desperately clinging on to the old man. Then beside his father, lay his daughter, curled up and tucked into his side. Sleep lines marred across her pink cheeks as her dark hair sprayed all over Bruce's face. The elder bat had his strong arms wrapped tightly around both the children, daring anyone to try and pry them away from his grip.

Dick couldn't help the warm feeling blossoming in his chest. He quickly pulled out his phone getting ready to send pictures to Barbara, wanting to keep this memory forever. It was a miracle to see Bruce, and his kids, fall asleep. This two in one had to be a gift from God. The residing click of the camera is what jolted Bruce awake, instantly tugging the children into chest and snarling at the shadows in the room.

"Relax B, it's just me." Dick smiled, finally switching the lamp on. It took his father a second to recognize that it was just his son, not some intruder trying to take away the children he loved.

"Dick." he said, as if unable to believe he was standing before him. Dick nodded, reaching over to wrap his arms around his father's neck. The familiar smell of expensive cologne, leather, and sweat swept over him like a wave, calming him down as he unfurled from his father's hold.

"Morning B, or I guess, night."

Dick watched as his daughter began to mumble, then slowly rise out of her sleep. Rubbing her bright green eyes to take in the room. Her gaze instantly fell to Dick and all sights of grogginess vanished as a smile exploded across her features.

"Dad!" she screamed, and then leapt over Bruce and into his arms. Thank God for years worth of reflex training, because he would have dropped his daughter if he hadn't.

"Hello my princess," he chuckled, holding her tightly as his fingers made their way into her hair. "I missed you so much."

"Dada!" his son shrieked, pacifier falling from his lips and discarded onto the ground. He stumbled his way over to him, tripping over Bruce's leg. The old man gave a soft smile as he helped the boy walk over the mess of limbs. Dick scooped up his second child, nuzzling his nose into the baby's chubby cheeks as he let loose a shrill of giggles. Dick spent the next few minutes sitting and peppering his kids with kisses, his heart finally feeling whole again. He finally glanced over at Bruce who was quietly watching the exchange of affection with a soft look in his eyes. It wasn't exactly a smile per se but it was still Bruce's way of showing that he was happy.

"Get over here old man," Dick said, reaching over and wrapping his arm around the elder. Bruce stiffened at first but then melted into the embrace, Dick's kids instantly shifting to make room for their grandad.

"Dad, dad, daddy, dad, da-

"Yes Mary." Dick answered. His daughter pulled herself out of the embrace and jumping off the bed, a little too dangerously for his taste. Barbara was going to kill him once she learned that their daughter has taken to making deadly jumps for fun, just like a certain someone he knows.

Mary gathered all the drawings that were scattered on the floor, then threw them all on top of the bed. Most of them fell on Bruce's legs.

"Grandpa Bruce and I drew all this stuff 'cause he told me that Uncle Dames likes to draw and I want to be just like Uncle Dames 'cause Uncle Dames is soooooo cool, and Uncle Dames draws really well so I wanted to draw really well so I practiced with Grandpa and then Grandpa Bruce told me I draw as good as Uncle-

"Mary, sweetheart." Dick chastised, "slow down."

His daughter inhaled almost comically, ready to speak again, but she didn't even bother slowing down, trying to jam a week's worth of activities into one sentence. Dick just shook his head and smiled, knowing all too well where all this energy was coming from. His son began to imitate his sisters voice, squealing out his own stories even though most of it was baby talk that no one, but Mary, could ever understand.

"Wow Jimbo, really?" Dick said, pretending to converse with the baby. All it did was make the child more enthusiastic about his babbles. The young father turned to the elder, who was making his way out of the bed.

Dick put Jim on the floor beside Mary, as he rushed over to help, but Bruce just brushed him off with a wave of a hand. Slowly easing himself onto the floor, with more effort than it would usually take. Dick knew Bruce hated it, to feel useless and old. To have a weakness, to have the need to be dependant. No matter how many times Dick and many others told Bruce that it's okay to ask for some assistant, that it's not a sign of failure. All they would get in return would be angry eyes and a sneer, as the batman would attempt to stomp away but end up hobbling instead.

"Grandpa!" Mary yelled louder while Dick winced. As much as he loved his kids, they were a noisy bunch. "Are we gonna make pancakes! You promised!"

Bruce just chuckled, warm and deep. Rare too. "Of course baby, I'll race you downstairs."

Mary instantly stood up and bolted out the room, her footsteps echoing off the walls.

"Her stealth training needs some improvement," Bruce said, a little too seriously to be a joke.

Dick gave him a raised brow, picking up his son who was about to stuff a crayon into his mouth. "Please tell me you have not been training my children behind my back." he exasperated.

He just got a shrug as an answer, which really didn't ease him at all.

"Whatever, we'll talk about this later" Dick sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "How were they? Mary and Jim."

Bruce leaned over, Dick expected he just wanted more room to move towards the door, but instead he plucked Jim right from his hands and held the boy protectively in his arms. Then proceeded to shuffle out the door. It was probably pathetic and petty, but Dick really wanted to hold his son. Like it was unfair that Bruce got to spend a whole week with them, not to mention how happy Jim looked being in his grandpa's arms right now. So yeah, maybe he was a little bit jealous, but what Bruce didn't know wouldn't kill him.

"They were... They were good Dick." Bruce started, as Dick followed out behind the pair. "No. They were better, amazing. They made me feel... made me feel... I..."

Dick rolled his eyes, even years after being with five kids, not to mention mentoring young heroes and saving millions of lives, Bruce still had trouble expression emotion. Thankfully, Dick was here to translate.

"They make you feel alive don't they. Younger, energetic, you just constantly want to impress them, be their hero, give them the world and then some more."

Bruce stopped, dead in his tracks. He turned to look at Dick, grey eyes with years worth of experience, pain, joy, all flashing at once.

"Now you understand how I felt about all of you."

Dick stumbled, he never lost his balance. Never. But at this moment, this moment right here was all it took to make him choke. To wet his eyes. He spent a whole week getting beat up, cursed at, and all alone. But just one sentence of pure heart from a man he called father, is what broke him.

"Dada?" Jim whispered, his bottom lip jutting out, concern marking his little features. Dick wiped his eyes, leaning down to kiss his sons red hair.

"I'm fine buddy, don't worry about me."

"Grandpaaa! Daaad!" Mary shrieked. "You're taking so looooongg!"

"Are you sure she's not Canary's child?" Bruce questioned with a smirk.

Dick snorted, but then reached out and yanked Jim back from Bruce's grip. The boy screamed in excitement as Dick ran down the stairs.

"Come on old man, I'll race ya!"

Bruce smiled, but what Dick didn't see was that things had never changed. That he was still Bruce's little boy and always will be.

Hey babes,

Hope ya’ll liked Ch1. I’ve already posted CH2 on Wattpad if ya’ll wanna check it out, but I will be posting CH2 here later on (Spoiler! CH2 is all about Jason Todd’s kids).

Anyways hope ya’ll enjoyed!! Let me know what ya’ll think!

- Lady Dinah

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bluboothalassophile · 6 years

Text

Devil’s Deal

Bruce stood in a nice townhouse, staring out at the dreary Gotham weather, his hands shoved in his pockets as he waited patiently for his business partner to get here. It had been many years since he’d been forced into a corner like this, but he was never one to turn back on a debt.

And what Lucifer Morningstar had done for him could never truly be repaid, however he was here.

“Relax, you’re too tense,” his wife said behind him. Bruce glanced at the mother of four of his elven children, her finger slid into his and he pulled her closer as he kissed her temple. He was thankful for Cat since he was twelve years old, even if they had an overly complicated relationship that had always been solid and shaky at the same time.

“We’ll hear him out, he’s a good man,” Selina said as she rested her chin on his shoulder.

“And if I can’t give him what he wants?” Bruce asked her. He feared Lucifer had come, come for one of his children, and that was something that terrified Bruce to no end.

“He’s not taking the kids,” Cat growled lowly. He squeezed her hand and watched as a black Audi pulled up. An older man, with white hair got out when a young woman with a scarred face got the car door for him. Bruce released Selina and walked to his study where he waited. It took five minutes before his eldest daughter walked in with the Devil himself behind her.

“Mr. Morningstar,” he acknowledged as Cass slipped out of the room.

“I’ve come to collect your debt Mr. Wayne,” Lucifer said as he sat. The old man stared him in the eye with dark eyes, and Bruce frowned.

“And what do you want?”

“I want you to find my granddaughter.”

~~~*~*~*~~~

Jason was scrolling through his texts, from Dickhead, Roy, Arty, Rose, Cass, Tim, Chris, Tiger, Artemis, demon spawn I, demon spawn II, Eddie, Connor, B, Cat, Joey, he sighed and shut off his phone as he stuffed it in his pocket before walking into the café. It wasn’t that important of a thing, and yeah, there was a big shipment to move, and logistics to coordinate, also subordinates to deal with, but Jason just wanted his fucking coffee!

Anyone who thought being a crime lord meant he was an entity who did not require sleep or coffee, they were wrong. He might not have been as needy about his caffeine as Tim, but he needed the caffeine. And it was six in the fucking morning, he wasn’t dealing with this shit! Not without coffee.

Jason came to his favorite café, the one with the best coffee he had ever had, and walked in. He kept his cap low, so as to not attract attention of people, he didn’t like people staring at his face, it made him uncomfortable.

He nodded at a regular who looked up at him.

Her black hair was short and messy her large dark eyes were showing signs of sleeplessness, her pale skin looked rather grey and he thought she needed the coffee more than he did.

“No sleep?” he asked.

“Deadline,” she answered.

“Ah,” he nodded as they shuffled in the crowd towards the register.

“What about you?” she yawned hugely.

“Big project,” he answered. Also Rose was in town, which had lead romp in the sheets.

“No sleep for the wicked then,” the girl sighed.

“Guess not,” he chuckled as they continued shuffling forward.

She and he had been regulars here for as long as he had been coming to this café. Which was since he had come to the NYC branch of the Bats. And he was guessing she was here before him. Mentally he had dubbed her little bird, she reminded him of one, and she was of his morning routine. They always showed up, at six on the weekdays, eight on the weekends, had a polite conversation as they muscled their way to the counter for their orders. She would order one for sure, sometimes three, rarely more than four. Hers was a simple order: vanilla latte, heavy on the vanilla, no expense spared on her vanilla. Weekends, she ordered tea, a London Fog, whatever that was.

Then they’d get their orders, he’d hold the door open as she left, and they’d part ways.

It was routine.

The small talk was nice, something he looked forward to, since she didn’t stare at his scar or tremble in fear like everyone else. It was just small talk, off handed comments about sleep, or books, a conversation about a tv show she was engrossed in, or a drama with a friend, all vague and personable. It was nice, something he liked, he could even bitch about his brothers and sisters to her and not worry about it getting back to them, as it was all vague and personable small talk.

It was a twenty minute, standing routine he carved out of his days for his morning caffeine fix and daily dose of small talk.

It was pleasant.

Impersonal.

Routine.

“How’s the cat?” he asked.

“You remember?”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t shut up about it,” he yawned.

“I named him, officially,” she smiled tiredly.

“No shit?”

“Yeah, Sylvester,” she chuckled softly.

“Damn.”

“He’s the devil incarnated,” she swore. Then they were at the counter, she put her orders in, three today, her other two regular orders. A caramel coma inducing coffee with milk instead of cream, then a four shot expresso macchiato with enough caramel and chocolate to have him recoiling. He didn’t know who those were for, but he had a feeling it had to do with her friends. “How’s your dad?”

“Stressing, big project at work,” he replied after he place his order; coffee black with a shot of expresso.

“That’s not good,” she decided as she shouldered her bag; it wasn’t a purse really, so much as a Mary Poppin’s bag, the woman seemed to have everything in there.

“It’ll work out, mom’s good at getting him out of his head,” he admitted.

“That’s good. You have a mark on your… oh, it’s a hickey,” she blurted out, and her face pinkened.

“Damn it,” he muttered. “Is it bad?”

“No, just uh… use the collar up,” she said and gestured on herself as she motioned lifting the collar up. He sighed and did as she suggested, he waited until she nodded and smiled a bit. “Better, You look better for your job now.”

“More presentable for the meetings,” he countered, and made a note to pay Rose back for the hickey. Her order and his were called out simultaneously and he watched as she grabbed the drink carrier, he followed as they made it to the door.

“See you tomorrow! Good luck in your meetings!” she smiled slightly.

“See ya, good luck with work,” he added as he got the door for her and she slipped out under his arm and they parted ways. It was all too familiar, impersonal, and routine, it was also the only welcomed interaction of his day. His phone rang as he took a sipp of the hot coffee and walked through the autumn spitting shower.

“What is it?” he asked noting it was Dickhead’s number.

“Dad’s calling us back to Gotham.”

“Can’t I got that shipment coming in from Cobblepot,” he said.

“Get Artemis to cover, this is a family emergency,” Dick said.

“Next time, start with he family emergency, I’ll be in Gotham by noon,” he said looking at his watch.

~~~*~*~*~~~

Raven had long since been going to that café, and as long as it was open she’d be going. They were the only ones to ever get her order right; that’s right, Starbucks had fucked her simple order up so much that she stuck to a small, out of her way café that made her leave her house at five thirty to get there at six to get to work by six thirty, which was perfect. It was a half an hour walk from her apartment, but it was a ten minute walk to her job.

The café might have been slower at serving people, crowded, stuffy, and filled with staff that she didn’t always want to deal with, but five years of going there through college and she had never had better coffee. Even three years ago when Jay had started showing up.

She had long since dubbed Mr. Sexy Muscles Jay, and part of it did have to do with the J carved into his right cheek. But she wasn’t about to call him Mr. Sexy Muscles, despite being incredibly handsome. Though she would admit the scar had been intimidating when she had first seen him, but three years of this impersonal, personal relationship they had standing and she could admit he was nothing if not a gentleman. And a complete mystery.

Raven loved it!

She liked having an impersonal stranger she could talk to, who didn’t know her and she didn’t know him, and she didn’t have to deal with all the drama of actually being friends with him. It was also nice that he was brutally honest with her, like about her situation about liking Garth but being unable to actually act on it because it was Garth and he was so beyond her league.

“I have the coffee,” she announce walking into Lantern’s Comics. She was a writer here, and she was a freelance ghost writer, but as Kyle and Jessica worked here this was where she tried to keep her main job. Though Hal wasn’t on about hiring as a full on writer for his comics about Oa, they were a huge hit with this generation. She had grown up on Oa comics.

“Thank the gods! You are the best Rae,” Kyle sighed as he grabbed his.

“I pulled another all nighter, I don’t want coffee, I was sleep and my pokemon,” Jessica whimpered into her desk.

“We finish this, then we’re set,” Raven predicted as she sat down and they got to work on finishing their deadline. The three of them were a team, Kyle the color artist, Jessica the line art artist, and Raven the writer/editor for their little comic. They had met in college, Jessica had been Raven’s roommate and Kyle had joined their group for an art project, things had never parted them and they just sort of kept working together. They no longer lived together but they met up Kyle’s bar, Warrior a lot. Raven lived over a bookstore, and Jessica lived over a garage where her mechanic neighbor drove her nuts. But it was that or live with her sister, so Jessica picked the apartment she was in.

“Raven!” Hal shouted.

“On it!” Raven hurried up to the boss’ office then.

~~~*~*~*~~~

Jason sat in the Gotham townhouse his many siblings there and he stared dumbfoundedly at his father, and mother. His mom’s hand was clasping his shoulder tightly as she lounged on the armrest beside him.

“You want us to find a unicorn,” Dick deduced flippantly.

“Why?” he whispered.

“What?”

“Why would you ask him?” Jason asked.

“The Joker had you,” Bruce stated icily.

“But the madman was worth making a deal with him!?” Jason roared surging to his feet. Lucifer Morningstar, the most ruthless, powerful, mobster in Europe! And Africa! Also having ties in Asia! The man’s global enterprise was a well oiled, never ceasing beast of a machine! Something built in the after math ruins of World War II and thrived in the Cold War, bloomed in the conflicts of Desert Storm and the hells of the recent wars. Lucifer, nicknamed the Devil, had never been more accurately nicknamed. A man with more power than the President or Lex Luthor, he was the most powerful crime lord ever to come into power.

“Yes! Jason! You were offering him anything he wanted!” Bruce roared back.

“So how are we to find his grandchild?” Tim asked.

“We start with Slade’s wife as Slade killed Ddrez Skath Morningstar for Arella,” Cat said. “We start, with Arella.”

“What exactly did Lucifer want?” Jason grounded out.

“He wants an heir, whoever finds the heir will have his alliance.” Bruce stated.

#bluboothalassophile #fanfic #one shot #raven #jason todd #bruce wayne #selina kyle #kyle rayner #jessica cruz #batcat #jayrae #redrae #raex #crime lord au

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batarangsoundsdumb · 3 years

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hae interrogationes multae respondeant quia demens .

if you read this entire ask post you deserve a gold star and financial recompensation

Um, Obviously because when you’re adopted by a white guy you automatically become white duhhh

this is about this post lmao and yeah youre absolutely right, you have to hand your poc card in when you get adopted by a white guy.

Do you think Cass would listen to Yanni, the YouTube channel epic symphonic rock, or some other stuff? There's some cool mashups but idk if that's up your alley, I kinda feel like I'm pushing it with my weird taste of music by recommending an orchestra cover of metal, but i just love that sort of thing and mashups :P @harvestyourcherries

i haven’t heard of that? but in my personal (correct) opinion steph listens to classical music, and then both modern and older, and then also stuff like black sabbath, iron maiden, but also hardrock and hardcore. i like the idea of cass just liking the most extreme screaming songs full of noise and then also listen to pachelbel’s 370th sonata yanno? THANK YOU for the rec tho

speaking of ur cass playlist hc...reminds of the time (yesterday) i found 2 playlists randomly on spotify from the same user. one was abt 3 hours of instrumental/classical "dark" & "nostalgic" music. the other almost 11 hours of nothing but hardcore bass/synth/electronic music. just an incredible tightrope act to put on in public. the synth one was also called like "psalms for synth sluts" which is Also incredible

tbh i LOVE synth SO MUCH like for no reason at all but then also cannot handle a poppy electronic beat lmao. but this seems like the kinda thing i’d do but just in one (1) playlist bc i just sort songs by vibe instead of genre? that’s how i end up with britney spears and billy ray cyrus in the same playlist.

Oh, I want Kate Kane playlist next! It would be amazing if you could do one when you have time and will 🙏

how rude would it be of me to just say no? like sorry kate but idk you and also you seem way too keen on the us military for an institution that homophobically targeted you? (and also commits war crimes) but let’s unpack the fact that the institution that caused the death of your mom and sister and also got you blacklisted for being gay is still one you align with???

'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' --- when i tell you i fucking screamed LOL!!!!!!! i can imagine the cameraman not knowing if he should cut to commercial or keep it on these two weirdos fighting on stage (bruce definitely ruffled dick's hair/noogied him right??

about this post but yeah lmao. this cameraman just turns to like the audience to get a reaction and it’s just multiple moments of CLEAR shock.

you are the only funny person on this hellsite

how egotistical is it for me to say that i get this ask multiple times a month? bc it literally happens so often it’s hilarious to me.

Wish there was more john/Bruce content 😔😔😔 was so hungry I actually looked at canon media 😔😔😔 (Justice League Dark babeeeyyyyyy)

check out batman: damned for some mediocre content but at least it’s john/bruce (also very interesting story and stuff, just got very >:( over this weird part where harley quinn tried to r*pe bruce or something? it’s not for everyone)

dick grayson but he's nicki minaj

his anaconda don’t want none,,, unless......

Dick Grayson was never a cop, he played Marshall on Paw Patrol

you are SO right. also paw patrol is a fucking good show idc. that shit could’ve been the new steven universe on this hellsite.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CS1lI0bLI7-/?utm_medium=copy_link

...

why do people keep reposting my CONTENT. if you are not funny yourself don’t just grab shit off of tumblr and post it on insta,,, get a life. sidenote: should i start an insta and get all these ppl to take my content down that would be funny as hell.

Might I suggest for a Gotham City Meme: something about the true crime fandom thirsting for the rogues gallery

ok can i just say something slightly controversial?? no? i don’t find true crime ppl who are into criminals funny, that shits disturbing irl im not gonna bring that into my very chill universe.

i may have never seen a 'jason cleaning guns in sink' fic but i do know he WOULD

THANK YOU

bestie im sorry to say this to you but while you can, and people do wash their guns in the sink, that is a lot of lead in a very vital part of the kitchen.

people tend to do it in the bathtub.

WHY???? like damn why do you even have guns

i dont think i read many gun sink fics exactly but i have read lots of fics where jason cleanes his guns in the living room. usualy dissembles them and cleans them with a rag i think

lmao fair enough, like i think that’s a large part of what i remember as well.

if you say you've seen/read gun sink fics I believe you. I think those of us who didn't see them are lucky or maybe didn't search for fics by tags or something idk

i mean ive never sought them out but i HAVE seen them,, like definitely i know almost for certain.

saw your tags and I'm interested in Steph/Kara now. They would be the most chaotic couple <3

literally thoooo, i have a wip where they get together in a zombie apocalypse and like UGGGHhhh i am so in love with them.

I am the Breece anon. Thanks for the recommendation; am reading now. I’ve always been a hardcore Superman fan because I love my pure himbo farm boy. My logic is, if one Bruce is a Broose, then multiple Broose are a herd of Breece. And this is a hill upon which I will perish.

fair enough,,,, like moose, meese, goose, geese, bruce, breece. i get your logic and i stand by it as well. (glad you enjoyed the comic recs!!!!)

It's a beautiful day in Gotham, and you are a group of horrible Breece

OH my god dude lmao

there only being 42 fics on ao3 for tim and bernard is honestly so sad i need more

it’s like twice that now!!! we did it lads. (tho very sad that my fic isnt number one but like number 4 :(((( )

i'm too late you already did the poll lol but may i suggest bethy (bernard + timothy)

shit dude that wouldve been so fucking funnyyyyy. think ppl have just stuck to timber tho, tim/bernard kinda died down recently and i think it’s too bad, they’re a great couple and i love them.

Wait, hear me out

Bernothy @redlightofdawn

great recommendation (lmao this ask is from like a month ago) but very sorry to announce that NARDTH is the superior shipname

Wait, we know that bernard likes milfs (Tim's step-mom) but what about dilfs? gilfs?

Wait no, I regret sending that ask

these were two seperate asks and they’re HILARIOUS. in my personal opinion tho,,, milfs, gilfs, dilfs are just about vibes and bernard is just attracted to sexy ppl who may sometimes be milfs, dilfs, or EVEN gilfs.

crime in bludhaven would drop to half if nightwing had a boob window. in this essay i will-

WHERE’S THE ESSAY ANON, WHERE’S THE FUCKING ESSAY

Wait if Barbra and Tim r at opposite ends at all times what happened to Barbra once everyone’s Tim’s ever love before started dying lol

she won a lottery ticket and spent 2 weeks on a resort in the bahamas before returning home and finding out that the joker was arrested for tax evasion and then spent a month staying at her big tiddie goth girlfriend’s house before conner came back to life and she broke her pinkie playing table hockey.

Why is the opposite end thing so funny and compelling to me. Tim comes back from his depression quest for Bruce and Babs is now a literal god

lmao when tim loses his spleen barbara reaches nirvana.

Are you still taking music recs because I have three songs that remind me of Jason that I think you'd like

send to me or lose a toe

🌸 ⭐ put this star into the inbox of your favorite blogs. it’s time to spread positivity! ⭐🌸😋

thanks, i wont tho on account of i wont.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMduBy3Sr/

⬆️

This is the whole of Blüdhaven and everyone anywhere.

Nightwings ass alone saves more people in a calendar year and does more for so society than most heroes do their whole career.Also u are one of the funniest tumblr pages out there. The vibes are unmatched and the memes and tags ✨send me✨.Thank u and goodnight @julia-flow

fanksss also lmao.

That's going to be a little bit difficult to explain, but

There's some music that you listen to and you think, "oh my gosh, I can perfectly imagine Dick Grayson singing this song, with the same voice as the singer because that voice matches with Dick Grayson"?

oh yeah totally lmao. i have a lot of songs that i think are just entirely dick grayson yanno? kind of all of my playlists have that vibe, but i really find bleachers to fit with dick? idk.

"Lois lane/Superman" fics this, "Lois lane/Clark Kent" fics that, (/lh) let's get into the real good stuff. Some people ship Lois, Clark, and Superman as a throuple. Most popular fic tag for sure

yes totally, i think they’d be absolutely killer on ao3 and clark gets so fucking embarassed about it.

I miss your post, hope you’re doing okay!!

haha this was like 2 months ago, but i was doing fine then too! just didn’t have a lot of inspiration in terms of content.

Doot doot!

noot noot

I’m confused. What did DC do now? Like with nightwing? And another sibling? Please spoil everything for me

lmao they gave him a secret sister plotline where they had his dad cheat on his mom with tony zucco’s wife, bc dick’s life wasn’t traumatic enough yet.

sorry but it's so funny that batman is called "the dark knight" when the gotham city baseball team is called the gotham knights. it'd be like if a vigilante was running around new york called like "the scary yankee"

lmaooo no. but like yankee comes from dutch names or something so wouldnt it be HILARIOUS if gotham knights came from like german names and bruce would be running around called the dark KLAUS UND NIEK @graysonnightwing

(not a batcest shipper) it’s so funny to me that the responses are “i’m a batcest shipper because i can differentiate fiction from reality and and it doesn’t bother me personally, but i understand why you oils think it’s weird” to “i wish all batcest shippers a very fucking die”

yeah lmaoo. i personally basically flipped my entire stance around to ‘i dont care please leave me and everybody else alone’ bc i think there’s really no point in starting a moral dillema over some fucking fandom bullshit. Please just,,, go home,,, log off, find a nice forest to have a little walk in and remember that somewhere in history, somebody probably died in the place you’re standing. and you will also die someday, and somebody will have to look at your internet usage and see you fighting multiple people anonymously while being named ‘nightwingsbuttchin200186′ like... calm down, we’re all gonna die this is not the thing to worry about.

so since like "wards" don't really exist in modern society almost all the batkids are foster kids, right? i used to work in the system and imagine: monthly visits from social workers and guardian ad litems, bruce having to get permission to take the boys anywhere out of state, calling their social worker at like 8 a.m. like "yeah dick broke his arm again... a gymnastics accident this time...." their poor social worker. bruce send her a huge bouquet and box of chocolates every month to stay on her good side

i imagine the social worker just getting into the case like ‘yeah let’s get this kid a good guardian’ and then ending up having to work with 22 y/o bruce wayne and his 50 y/o dad. and so this social worker is like ‘okay we can work with this, this is the best home i can find’ and then like it ends up landing on its feet and then the kid gets adopted and then they get a call a year later like ‘uhm so hi, this kid tried to steal my tyres can i adopt him?’ and like 3 years later. ‘okay so basically, my neighbours’ kid imprinted on me and now they’re dead, can i keep him?’ two years later it’s like ‘okay so this assassin child-’

ever since I saw that one post of yours, the meme that's something like "I know that abba's backup dancer got me" with a picture of discowing, I've been haunted. Every once in a while I'll be minding my own business then the image of abba's backup dancer dick grayson aka nightwing aka discowing will flash in my mind and I'll be frozen in place. Today at work I was in the middle of folding clothes and suddenly once again discowing entered my mind and I suddenly lost the ability to see anything except He. Thank you.

wow. the IMPACT.

Braver than any US marine man props to you🤝

this shit is about the time i wrote an article on batcest, like man,,, the fact that i didn’t get cancelled is MIRACULOUS. also like,,, uh if anybody on here did gossip on me,, send screenshots i’d love to see it.

Hello, just wanted to say your article was great. Thank you for taking the time to provide an unbaised answer. It should provide people with nuances they couldn't possibly conjure on their own.

May I ask where your username originates from?

yes you may (also thanks!!!) i thought it up when i was trying to find an original username bc i didnt want to be called like ‘timdrakes something something’ or ‘jason todd something smoething’ or ‘dick grayson something something’ yanno? so i thought batarangs, they sound so dumb and that’s my username story... now it’s my whole entire brand lmao.

yno that bit in kick ass where red mist asks kick ass if he wants a hit of his blunt, was that the inspo for stoner tim

no? it’s bc i think stoners are hilarious and drugs are great. (dont do drugs tho)

How would u feel if someone actually wore one of those bruce or ollie pride shirts u edited

fenomenal next question.

Dick as lil huddy and Jason as James gave me radiation poisoning and now I’m screaming crying throwing up so thx for that

(Rico suave as Tim is perfect tho literally no changes needed)

i was so funny for that shit wasn’t i??? lmao i loved those weird ass fancasts

You're doing the Lord's work by providing us with all these Gotham/Metropolis citizens memes, thank you for being so relentlessly funny @nellethiel-aranel

you’re welcome!! i really enjoy making memes, but getting validation for my content and my memes is REALLY nice.

Bruce is such a slut in your memes and honestly i love that for him @rhodey-rhudert-rhodes-main

he’s that much of a slut irl too dw.

Bruce and Alfred have an emergency pride flag for the batkids. Oliver Queen printed an emergency "I love my gay son" t-shirt and as soon as Roy told him he was dating Jason, Oliver started wearing that shirt everyday and Roy always cringes when he sees it. Oliver also has an emergency "I love my lesbian daughter" shirt just in case for Cissie.

lmao YES i had a post like this bc like all of their kids/family members are so gayy

stop bringing back batfam fancasts it is not real it is not real it is not- 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

oh yes it is my darling.

did discowing burn down the notredam because he hates the bees? @allulily

no he did it bc fuck the french.

im gonna beg for 1 thing and 1 thing only. please please please put physical by olivia newton john on dick's playlist

okay then beg. bc i wont. physical reminds me too much of glee and that hurts me mentally.

your playlist is sorely missing some Madonna. Specifically Into the Groove, Like a Prayer, and Vogue

i’m scared of madonna that’s why she’s not on there. she haunts me in my dreams.

suggestion: son of batman by aaron dews for dick’s playlist🤩

sorry, i listened to it and the vibe didn’t agree with me.

Hear me out, metropolis citizens sending rare pair fics of Clark Kent x Superman fics to Lois to edit

yes, absolutely hilarious. even more funny if they send like physical copies, no address attached and lois sends it back marked with red ink, SOMEHOW

Imagine all the smut Clark must of read editing the fics

clark reads smut confirmeeed

NOT LOIS READING SUPERBAT PORN AND EDITING IT A 2AM

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

hc that alfred is a meta that boosts healing factor of the people around him. if the bats are injured as much as they seem to be they would be doing bat stuff MAYBE half the year. no one including alfred knows about this. whenever the kids move out they inexplicably dont recover from injuries as fast and feel better whenever they visit the manor they just chalk it up to homesickness. bruce just thinks he heals really fast. alfred thinks everyone doesnt take care of themselves properly @finchcollector

that’s actually such a great idea, but i think that alfred would find out and learn how to concentrate it better so he can help more people, bc he’s great and i love him.

One of your dickfast posts reminded me of that tweet that goes: 'so you've had sex how many times? Yeah technically that's not a bromance' lol that's dickwally or dickroy

literally tho. like that’s all of dick’s friendships. once it gets past a certain time dick is like ‘wow i wonder what it would be like to make out with wally, wally come make out with me’ and wally’s like ‘we’ve done this like 40 times, dick, you know what it’s like’ and dick is like ‘sorry are you complaining?’ and they just make out.

superfam and batfam associations??

-batman and superman

-dick/barabara and supergirl?

-conner and tim

-jon and damian

pls enlighten me I am confused

nope,,, uhm batman and superman, but dick and superman as well, and then conner and tim, jon and damian and steph + babs with supergirl

I came across a fic in which Wonder Woman calls Batman "Stella" (like Stellaluna, the children's book) and I can imagine the batkids hop on the trend and maybe copies of the book appear at random places (aka, everywhere Bruce frequents)

sorry can’t reciprocate that was the name of my high school chemistry teacher and it gives me nightmares to think about.

good human what are your pronouns?

wouldn’t you like to know?

I need me some gothamites preferring harley over joker memes

everyone prefers harley over joker youre just very fucked up if you dont

don't understand why people try to add like veteran policy to the batfamily

dick pulling out his veteran batfam member card so he can eat first: step aside, peasants

Do you know the song Simmer by Haley Williams? It (the first verse anyways) reminds me of Jason? It's about rage.

damn yeah i LOVE HAYLEY!!!! youre right thoo

Okay so I like listen to your stoner Tim Drake playlist 24/7 but would he listen to skegss? Also I keep adding songs mentally it’s killing me 😩✋🏼 Anyways,, I literally love and worship your playlist 😃🤞🏼 And uh yeah have a good day ✨

stoner tim drake playlist is lyfeeee. also dont know who skeggs is? i’m stupid? have a good day!!

All the Robins (and Batgirl) decide to trade costumes for one night just to fuck with Batman and all the villains in Gotham. @subspacecadet

batman knows it’s them youknow but like,,, what does he call them? he’s like ‘red hood?’ and 3 people answer and he’s not about to compromise some identities so he’s just Pissed.

I aspire to treat cops the way my dad treats them. This man is a 45 year old Asian immigrant to the US and the treats them like his pets. He talks about them like unruly children. Sometimes he pays off local cops to shut up and stop acting racist. And usually it works. I don’t know why but I can see Oliver Queen doing this

vibes... and also yes? oliver queen handing a local cop a donut to shut the fuck up lmao. but yanno i commit enough crimes to not really want to ever see a cop ever, so they kinda scare the everloving fuck out of me.

seeing as tim hasn't aged in years, that means he was 17 at peak emo tumblr era. im back on my emo tim bullshit and im not letting it go

emo tim had a wattpad account send tweet

People seem to think that batman is so dark and serious when the rainbow batsuit is right there. He wore it with no shame.

dude the 60s were a DIFFERENT TIME

dick grew up in a circus, jason grew up on the streets, and tim was probably raised by the internet

all of them cuss every other word and you cannot tell me otherwise

bitch i KNOW but dc has to change to an 18+ rating if they want to sell comix with swear words in them so we gotta deal with imagining the swear words in ourselves

thoughts on teen titans and young justice

haven’t seen teen titans on account of havent seen it and young justice was LITERALLY my favourite thing ever, tho i do gotta admit it’s not at all similar to the young justice comics unfortunately. i really wouldve liked to see timmy bart kon cassie and cissie animated on tv!!

ew ew ew how to delete batcest shippers I genuinely digust them

log off tumblr?

Okay as poc who was called racist for calling an Italian pastabrain: in the batfam are Italians bit Damian just yells various insults about the others being Italian. Just him yelling “What are you doing you moronic spaghettihead!” At steph etc

huh? i meant real italians. homeboy is telling steph he hopes she chokes on her fucking garlic.

I think it's dumb as hell to pull the batman is the best fighter in the batfam argument because like it's just irresponsible of Bruce to let his kids fight when they couldn't possibly be on his league or something

fair enough, but also like who cares they could all kill you just sit down and take a beating.

lady shiva, thalia al ghul and Selina Kyle are all milfs @notanothertimburtonenthusiastugh

unfortunately, i have to admit,,, you’re right

why tf didn't someone give joker a death sentence already? like he's a mass murderer...give him the electric chair treatment wtf

idk i think plenty of people would have tried to murder him already (boring answer is: he is a popular character so they can’t kill him off bc he brings in lots of money)

There’s no such thing as “ copaganda”.

all american media is propaganda. happy to clear this up for you

is it bad that I find lady shiva owa owa

no. find her as owa owa as you want.

aight I'm guessing the order of your favs in batfam:

1. tim

2. Steph

3. dick

4. Duke

5. the rest

you’re wrong but it’s cute that you tried, i generally don’t have favourites, but i have a special place in my heart for steph, tim, dick and cass. bc they were like my introduction to batfam. but damian, jason, duke, bruce, babs and alfred are NOT FORGOTTEN OR UNLOVED

oh my god i was literally just readily willing to believe that italians werent white ty for clarifying it was a joke im so dumb sdkvjskdfs

i mean some italians aren’t white? italian is a nationality as well as an ethnicity, so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

since I saw so many people doing headcanons about the nationalities of batboys, I see Dick as an Italian.

dont know if youre serious or not, but sure.

super random but

jason 🤝 damian

old english

lmao fair enough.

tim absolutely has 1 gay uncle and his parents shit talk said uncle all the time so after bruce adopts him he specifically reaches out to this uncle to be like "heyyyy just so you know you majorly influenced my life yes i know i havent seen you since i was 5 and at the family reunion yes i know you dont remember my name idc thank you im gay too" and then they never talk again.

yuppp lmao that’s definitely something that could happen. i can also consider tim having no family members, like none. until he does like a dna test and he realises he has like an aunt living barely 2 miles away from him who’s like some illegitimate child of his grandpa.

I dare you one of them sends clark superman/clark fic and clark corrects the shit out of it and then goes like ps his dick is not that big, just telling as someone who has seen it. internet either explodes or goes who tf did he not fuck at this point.

i think everybody would call clark a buzzkill and try to cancel him over that.

so you're telling me Tim Drake wouldn't buy Starbucks?

no. dunkin donuts all the way

One of my favorite things is imagining people finding out jason came back from the dead and being like "oh no does he have magic powers now?!?!?" and he just pulls out a gun and tries to shoot joker

now he doesn’t even have the gun :) lmao

my favorite batfamily fanfictions are the ones where they use their shitty codenames, unironically, in any context

bruce gets codename ‘ugh’ everytime. he hates it.

crazy that tim being a 17 y/o ceo and a stoner who does brand deals are all actual canon things written in detective comics comics and not made up for shits and giggles by you, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb @rowdeyclown

SO CRAZY HUH?

batman au where everything is the same but his utility belt is bright pink

absolutely, but i raise you, his boots light up like sketchers when he kicks people.

unbeknownst to the superhero fandom writers in the dcuniverse, clark and BRUCE are one of the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag on ao3. clark writes the best lois x superman angst, full of unhappy endings and scenes that are a so detailed you'd think you were in the middle of a superhero beatdown. bruce made an ao3 account to fuel "the do the butts match" thing, and makes batman/bruce fics from time to time. he wrote a superbat fic as a joke but ended up making it REAL porny. @concrastinator

dude they’re WAY too busy for that. Oliver Queen and Hal Jordan on the other hand are the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag writing what is Mostly porn.

When the dining table topic gets to politics, Steph says "eat the rich" as the solution

bruce just silently takes away her fork and knife while she’s talking.

#literally if you got through this i just respect you #this is mainly just for the people who sent me an ask in the past few mask #i hope your ask is in here :)#sorry for everybody else #ask #bataranswers #this took me 4 hours to do so i hope youre happy #also sidenote #does anybody know the latin translation for 'to become'#bc i just used future of 'esse' but it could be a different verb #who cares tho latin is a dead language #big congratulations to everyone who translates my sentence #here's a bonus sentence: tuam matrem futueram

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moody213 · 6 years

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WicDiv #35 Impressions (and craters)

(I started this commentary 2 days after the last issue was released, and seeing how the latest issue was released on Friday and I haven’t finished yet (something extremely typical of my lax/non-existent work ethic) I’ve decided it needed to be done before I would allow myself to read issue #36. Here goes!)

SPOILERS UP TO #35

This issue was particularly hard for me to start reading. Ever since we reached the penultimate arc the idea that we had so little to go has become an anxiety-stirrer for me; I've been a fan since before Laura got her freckles, when all we had was Luci and Laura inviting us on a floor of broken glass to anticipate the next Mcklevie/Gillen chapter after Young Avengers. The idea that the past four years were almost done- well, the subtext should be obvious for anyone who's been reading. 13 hours after release, I read. And then I opened issue one and did a concurrent re-read. And then I reread yet again and promptly passed out.

Seeing that Mckelvie has reworked his first issue art- our first introduction- was marvelous to behold. Matt Wilson's recolor was also stunning (except for one instance of Amaterasu's lips!). I compared them on my second reread, and both the subtle and not-so-subtle reworking truly encapsulate the journey they've both been on: I found issue one an enthralling, gorgeous ride from the beginning; they're my favorite colorist and artist currently working in comics. Issue #35 has a level of ease and understanding of the art that was perhaps more rigid in the first one.

Minerva's rework was especially obvious here; she went from a cute little Shirley Temple gremlin to a child star a bit beyond her cutest years. Also, the difference in hair and clothing (I mean, that sleeve! I stan that sleeve! The ease! And I fixated on it every reread like a sleeve fetishist?)

I love that it kind of insinuates that the version we got on #1 was the ‘it is known’ version and this was the post-Persephone-being-alive truth, like in issue 20. I love the warmth and depth this rework adds.

Susanoo is a peach who cared too much and truly was too good for this world.

Minerva leaving the fire splattered in blood with her hands in fists- iconic and quintessentially WicDiv!

Ananke never cared about the gods. She was crying for her own approaching expiry date. Everything we learn about her adds more to this pathetic and yet unrelentingly cruel force of selfishness. I love how the last turn of Minerva is treating the old Ananke the way she treats the gods- and then assuming her place. Fitting.

JOSEPHINE BAKER AS 1923 PERSEPHONE #DEAD #GAGGING

Set- even as a talking head, ever the bore.

Face-flaying issue #11 powerup!

I love how the pixelated effect still shows up a bit less clearly. It reminds me of the 'tattooing of reality' aspect of the deal between Ananke and her sister. They're resources she can translate- here, for 'eternal' life four faces must be shorn from reality.

The colors and general atmosphere of being somewhere underground and laden with arcane implications is so apparent- I love the warmer tones, they remind me of those heady spiritual moments when you’re somewhere religiously/arcanely significant (those places are always smaller than you’d expect) and the gravity and headiness of the energy seems to make everything a bit more vibrant and hard to explain.

I love jewel tones. This is the quality discourse you’ve been looking for!

The art on the transformation scene, and the purple skull eyes: shivers. How they achieved the transformation effect so much more subtly and yet just as profoundly as the usual God transformations- Mckelvie/Wilson, you're just bragging now.

Present Minerva is a cold snake and if I was even remotely on her side of the equation I would be so proud of my evil maidenr/future manipulative crone!

I love how gradually she was transformed into this punk-y, calculating creature; with her hair down you can really see how the red is a callback to previously blood-splattered Anankes and Ananke (Maiden Edition With Minerva Mask) and yet it’s been peeking out at us from Imperial Phase.

Such an accomplished actress, a veritable Shirley Temple! (Dakota Fanning?)

I wish I could go back to meeting McKelvie/Gillen last year and make a clever quip about talking heads and evil Minervas. That’s my baseline for an excellent twist: I WISH I COULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING!

In the present, Laura makes me sad. The warmth between the gods has seemingly dissipated once and for all. Everyone's either looking out for themselves or isolating. Laura's idea that if they were truly friends Cass wouldn't be screaming at her- hogwash.

Oh, Jon. I love you. I also truly think you’re our always-captured/suffering proxy princess. I can’t wait for him to do something other than be forced to build Woden another contraption that removes consent from the conversation. (He does have a pattern!)

Again, Minerva, you (literal!) snake! That expression on her face when she’s setting Baal up is DELICIOUS and I’m pretty sure I’ve made that expression before, most recently when I convinced a friend to eat coffee grounds I pretended were healthy brownies. (I know! I’m an awful person. But at least I stopped her from taking another bite. By laughing. Still.)

I loved how in the Writer’s Notes Gillen says this was supposed to be more pages+no words, but I think it works perfectly for what he’s going for even with the words. I can almost hear suspense music reading Laura/Persephone’s thoughts, and the insight into her feelings feels earned after so much with nothing further elucidating her thoughts. I mean, we all thought she was pretty horrible to Baal, no? A bit indifferent.

I’ve really missed her, you guys. She’s our Laura, our herald, our first guide. We lost her, we found her, she lost herself, she found (?) herself (or at least her thoughts).

I’m really curious about Jenny (Laura’s sister). I really wonder if we’ll have enough issues for anything to wrap up about that aspect of the story, or if it was a superficial lure, like Baph’s Christmas Dinner with Laura’s Family was basically a simulation of reality, and meant nothing, really.

Minerva getting pushed is really strong, in that there’s no way he’d ever do that unless he was under a crazy amount of pressure. Also, if I was woken up with news my greatest secret, a secret I’ve invested so much in keeping, was about to be discovered by a person I LOVE and CHERISH, well... I wouldn’t be that conscientious either. Reaction got, Minerva, you manipulative teenage goddess, you! (Is it obvious that if I were a 13-year old again I would choose to be Minerva? I would choose her so hard, she’s Hermione Granger but, like, with none of the redeeming qualities except maybe caring for her parents before her older aspect (?!?) literally decimated them.)

Flashback page is spectacularly done. I love the reds of the room, and the repetition of four skulls (except these are baby skulls we are set to believe and not primates! NOT THAT IT WOULD MAKE IT BETTER BUT MAYBE THEY’RE NOT INNOCENT CHILDREN... no. No. This argument doesn’t make it any better, I’m just pathologically delusional when it comes to people I like.)

‘I’m not afraid of who I am. But everyone else should be.’ It’s one of those Baal-isms you’d be disinclined to take a note of, one of those prepared one-liners like the line about how when you know someone’s bad in their guts, you don’t have to lie about your own shit. We just thought it was posturing, and here we have evidence of child sacrifice. As can happen, sometimes, never.

And now I’m finally off to read the latest issue!

#WicDiv #wicdiv spoilers

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bitch-a-la-mode · 6 years

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for the dc comics ask: 4, 7, and 24

4. What introduced you to the DC universe? Was it a show, comic or movie?

When I was little my sister used to watch reruns of batman: the animated series and I didn’t really appreciate it at the time (hey I was like 5!) but I loved the robin episodes so I’d only watch those ones with her. Fast forward and the teen titans show started airing on Cartoon Network and because there was more robin I was completely enamored. My cousin worked at a comic book store at the time so he taught me all about comics cuz I wouldn’t stop bugging him so I learned about DC and stuff and basically the train left the station from there.

7. Favorite non-cannon ship?

God idek my gay ass ships everything gay so ofc it’s not canon *side-eyes DC*. I wanna say it’s a tie between birdflash (Dick Grayson/Nightwing and Wally West/The Flash) and wonderbat (Kate Kane/Batwoman and Diana/Wonder Woman)

24. If you had total control what would you change?

God don’t get me fucking started. All the shit that happens to the batfamily. Like god fucking dammit DC, Bruce and his children don’t need anymore of your shit pick on someone else for a change (pls actually don’t lol leave everyone alone). I wouldn’t want the killing joke to happen (I love Barbara as Oracle but I don’t like the happenstance. Maybe like on patrol she got shot? An illness? Idk anything but wtf happens in the killing joke) and just anything that happens to the robins/batgirls. Like why did Jason die? Why did Damian die? Why is Tim *dead*? Why were steph and cass tortured like leave them alone Istg. I also HATE with a burning passion what they did to Talia, Lady Shiva, and basically all other female characters in Batman that weren’t the batgirls. They were such iconic characters and were anti-heroes but DC went and ruined them and turned them *both* into horrible parents, so now they’re hated/more evil. Like Talia deserves better and they went and ruined her like are y’all serious? Idk I’m salty about all of batman so I practically ignore canon at this point (although it’s hard to ignore).

#listen I have a lot of feelings about comics especially DC lol #send me asks #send me anons

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renaroo · 7 years

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Wednesday Roundups 7/6/17

Wow I had a lot to read and I still managed to turn it out faster than I turn out about 90% of these which I’m not sure if it’s a reflection on my reading and writing skills getting better or if I was stressing out over doing these way too much in the past.

Regardless, we have quite a variety this week and still seem to be celebrating Wonder Joy so let’s just get into it~

DC’s Batman, Creator Owned CBLDF Defender, Marvel’s Spider-Man/Deadpool, DC’s Superman, IDW’s Transformers: Lost Light, DC’s Wonder Woman FCBD, DC’s Wonder Woman: Steve Trevor, Viz’s Yona of the Dawn

DC’s Batman (2016-present) #24 Tom King, David Finch, Danny Miki, Clay Mann, Seth Mann, Jordie Bellaire

Okay, so I follow Batman at a distance because I’ll be completely honest: Tom King absolutely lost me with the Gotham and Gotham Girl plot because I just could not get into it, and it annoyed me, so I’ve been hands off with the title for the most part, a decision I only double downed on with the Catwoman debacle and my correct assumption in King really relying too heavily on TWISTS. a

....

But I absolutely picked up this issue because even if nothing in my thinking brain believes, at all, that this will be allowed to change the status quo between Bruce and Selina...

I love BatCat so much you guys.

He proposed. And I bought it purely for those pages.

I have to emphasize it was for those pages alone because I could not have cared less about Claire and Bruce’s conversation because I’m just so tired of how many people there are in Gotham and how this conversation would have been so much more meaningful if it came from Kate or Dick or Tim or Cass or Duke or Harper or Damian or Julia or Luke or Jean Paul or Leslie or -- THERE ARE SO MANY BAT CHARACTERS THAT ARE NOT BEING USED TO THEIR FULL POTENTIAL RIGHT NOW DAMMIT.

The conversation itself is kinda stuff we’ve heard before, and while I like how it tied in thematically it just wasn’t in me to not criticize the fact that it’s coming from the current OC of the Day.

Anyway.

I came for the BatCat and I was happy for it even if it was basically only three issues and I had to deal with grown artists making Gotham GIrl’s skirt incredibly short while she was in weird positions for most of it.

So. That’s my take on that.

Now I can write 3 million fics about how this could be wonderful and that Helena Wayne gets to grow up with all her siblings and be loved by the world. byyyyeeeeeeee

Creator Owned CBLDF Defender Vol. 2 #2 Marc Adreyko, Gene Luen Yang

So this is mostly just an addition at the last minute both because it’s free and because it’s, well, an information brochure about uniting to subscribe or pledge money to the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund for all those who have been encouraged into activism thanks to recent events and the collective consciousness surrounding events like last year’s Pulse nightclub shooting.

It’s a good idea and it’s pro-community messaging speaks to me. I’d like to spread awareness for people that these voices are out there and that if you’re interested in providing support you can check out this particular brochure on Comixology for free or google at your leisure.

Marvel’s Spider-Man/Deadpool Vol. 2: Side Pieces Scott Aukerman, Gerry Duggan, Penn Jillette, Nick Giovannetti, Paul Scheer, Joshua Corin, Reilly Brown, Scott Koblish, Todd Nauck, Tigh Walker

Okay, so... I like Spider-Man/Deadpool’s first arc... but it’s pretty much exactly like Trinity over at DC and it’s spiritual predecessors Batman/Superman and Superman/Batman in that, outside of what’s honestly a pretty stellar initial premise, there is not a whole lot of plan behind where the comic wants to go for the future.

So you get a whole lot of different creative teams and no cohesive narrative or direction for the comic to go.

But I guess that really brings into question what makes ongoing comics work and whether or not th idea of “hilarious monthly team ups of Spider-Man and Deadpool without a point, and assumedly without continuity consequences” is enough to work.

And as someone who honestly really enjoys one-shot one-and-dones, that’s honestly a pass for me.

But at the same tim... I mean there’s a reason I have both Spider-Man/Deadpool and Trinity on trade wait status now.

The whole is not equivalent to the sum of its parts, but honestly it’s got some genuinely funny and worthwhile parts as it stands. And I appreciate that.

DC’s Superman (2016-present) #24 Patrick Gleason, Peter J. Tomasi, Doug Mahnke, Jaime Mendoza, Mick Gray, Joe Prado, Wil Quintana, John Kalisz

You know, sometimes being a comic fan is kind of like reading the newspaper more than reading a narrative story.

For me that’s kinda what this issue felt more like, I was getting information on where all the characters had moved since last time, the motivations, some backstories. Slight progress and movement in the form of an update on what happened to Lois and getting to see her still kicking Clark’s ass in gear despite his concern for her injury, which I liked, but overall this issue mostly felt like filler for the final moment where we see Jon fall completely into the control of Manchester Black.

Who... is a big whooping plot hole I am stil waiting to be addressed. Clark remembers Manchester Black from the New Earth continuity still and the “What’s So Funny About Truth, Justice, and the American Way?” and knows about the Elite, but do they know about him? Or are they completely different from the Super Elite we knew? Are we going to get a Justice League Elite mention (which good god please spare me, though I’ll take Sister Superior).

This is one of those cases where I feel like my overly extensive knowledge of things in continuity actually puts me at a disadvantage to actually like... reading and taken things for granted.

I want things to make sense, or I want enjoyable Kent family shenanigans.

But this issue did have Krypto so, I automatically add a star to it. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

IDW’s Transformers: Lost Light (2016-present) #6 James Roberts, Jack Lawrence, Joanna Lafuente

Look, sometimes I think it’s important for critics, reviewers, readers, what have you, to bea ble to say that they’re confused and don’t know what emotion to feel or whether or not the comic accomplished exactly what it wanted to and I’m just. Like.

Yes that is my emotion at the moment.

A lot of stuff happened in this issue. Like lots of crazy, out there, amazing stuff was packed into a single issue and it’s like, there were panels where you’d blink and you’d miss important character development notes -- like Ratchet hugging their Rung once they got back. Like there’s so much good -- Rodimus had a lot of amazing moments throughout and I love the range of humor to anger to disappointment that he showed. Like his trust and faith in others is already pretty shattered at the moment and to feel Megatron’s apparent betrayal adding onto that is like a million times more stuff. I fear he’s nearing a very dangerous ledge, which is bad because this issue also tells us that Rodimus’ death wish and lowkey desire to put himself in dangerous positions to die heroically is still as prominent as ever.

Someone hug my trash fire of a son, please.

And then magical girlfriend romance bringing back her girlfriend as a baby and it’s kinda weird like is it still going to be the same Lug? Does Anode acknowledge that it’s weird? Is anyone going to point out that they could feasibly use protoform matter now to resurrect anyone whose spark remnants are available now? Including Skids and Ravage?

what is going on

Anyway.

There’s a lot packed into this issue which is why I am honestly kind of happy that next issue’s description is a “fallout” from this because holy shit, I need room to breathe and think through things.

Also. Dat smile when Megatron heard Optimus’ voice in the epilogue-ish finale. I like. Maybe had a fangirl moment. Just maybe.

Anyway. I’m shrug emoji right now until I can get my emotional state sorted out because wow there’s a lot at the moment. Like a lot. A lot a lot.

DC’s Wonder Woman FCBD 2017 Special Edition (2017-present) #1 Greg Rucka, Nicola Scott, Romulo Fajarado Jr.

Like last week’s Wondy special, this is a reprint, but it’s a reprint of the first issue of “Year One” which still holds up as the far superior of the two starting Wonder Woman titles from Rucka last year and is amazingly well held up...

...save of course for the exact same criticisms as the last time I went over the issue which is Dead Bro Walking trope and a whole lot of Rucka Why???? that comes attached to the really bizarre treatment of race in the first arcs of the series. It’s just so bizarre.

But honestly, again, these moves are meant to attract the new, excited audience after the box office smash that has been the Wonder Woman movie -- an audience that has been largely female of all ages. And if there’s one free comic I’m glad will show up immediately on their google searches this Wednesday, I’m very glad it’s going to be the start of what has quickly become my favorite standard bearer of Wonder Woman’s origin story.

Something I appreciate even more after having finally read the entirety of Azzarrello’s Wondy run which. Eck. Wash my mouth out.

DC’s Wonder Woman: Steve Trevor (2017) #1 Tim Seeley, Christian Duce, Allen Passalaqua

So this addition to my pull was kind of unexpected in that I had no idea that it was coming out this week and thought “why not” because I’m literally still so Wonderfully Pumped Up a the moment and as far as I can see, the more proceeds DC and WB can see attributed to Wonder Woman the better.

That being said, Tim Seeley really dug into his Grayson roots in this one because that’s about the only thing I really got from this issue is that Steve Trevor’s a badass secret agent with secrets and a deep seeded guilt thing. Which kinda felt like a harsher toned take on his Dick Grayson more than anything else. Which is fine.

Part of the problem here is that I did not read the New52 short term published book that was A.R.G.U.S. or whatever where Steve starred during the weird interim where Steve was not allowed around Diana and Lois wasn’t allowed around Clark but DC still wants to make money from fans anyway.

idk. And since those kinds of spy books are rarely my cup of tea, I don’t think this issue sold me on renigging on that instinct.

Still it was cute and Diana and Steve’s interactions, while minimal, are really the driving portion of his narrative which I think is always good.

But, just like the Annual, I’m left just sitting here going “why don’t we use this opportunity to show off the upcoming Wonder Woman creative team, DC????”

And I get no answer bc DC actually doesn’t care about some weirdo random blogger on the internet constantly screaming at them.

Viz’s Yona of the Dawn (2009-present) Vol. 6 Mizuho Kusanagi

I have actually been very interested in Akatsuki no Yona since I saw its anime show up in my Crunchyroll feed, and as with most anime I can’t help but immediately try to find the manga instead because I am impatient and want Answers Now. As I understand it, the Viz official translations are far behind the current run of the manga (makes sense, as the manga series has been ongoing since 2009 in Japan), and is only catching up to where the anime left off so far, but that’s more than okay for me right now.

Because oh my gosh, it’s so amazing to read such a beautiful story about the growth, empowerment, and pure will of a female character as told by a female author and artist. I’m not the biggest fan of Shoujo as a style of art, but having Yona strike a balance between beautiful and cutesy visuals with what is ultimately a fairly action driven plot with intense moral posturing and constant detail put into the grayness of life’s choices makes Yona of the Dawn honestly unlike just about any Shoujo I’ve read before.

Yona is one of the most compelling heroines I’ve ever seen, and her intensity of spirit and her meaningful examination of her kingdom makes this fairy tale story really unlike anything else out there.

And while I’ve really enjoyed Yona to this point, I have to say it is an amazing relief to reach Volume 6 an finally get more female characters than just Yona. I like the reverse harem appeal of the cast as it has been so far, and I have affection for several of the boys, but man is it so much more meaningful to have a few more compelling female characters backing up Yona in the representation department.

Especially since some of Yona’s crew still feel... a little bland to me. It’s usually not a good sign in a massive cast when the traits that come immediately to mind for me are purely character design.

I’m excited for what’s to come and to see how our Princess fully realizes her potential as the Crimson Dragon.

Also I should note some skeevy parts of this. One I don’t mind but am sure other people might, there’s the fact that Yona’s current storyline is dealing with Yona taking down a ring of human traffickers and slavers, which brings up the question of autonomy both for Yona as a woman in this honestly pretty traditionally sexist kingdom but also for the Dragons themselves and how their “service” to Yona is framed as a question of their own will. But it’s still a story about human trafficking and that could bother a lot of people. Another thing in this volume, which has bothered me in the previous volumes but really came to a head this time around, is Hak’s... weirdly possessive outbursts toward Yona. I get that they are meant as... idk protective and romantic to some and that we’re supposed to be compelled by his struggle to not show his affection for Yona, but honestly I’m just kinda... naw hoss. Like Hak’s a fine character and I like his relationship and history with Yona most of the time, but like.. the weird pushing her against walls and... licking honey off of her wrists and just. idk. We’re lost in translation here or something bc I’m not a fan.

I’m also not a fan of Viz’s weird changes in the font randomly throughout the book? Like just stop. It’s bad when your translations look lazier than the fan translations I’ve seen floating around on tumblr.

I’ll be honest, as high quality as I consider almost all of these comics this week, I would say the good majority of them did not give me a fully emotional experience or really captivate me in a way that satisfied me from start to finish. And I’m sure in the follow up issues to come there’ll be a lot for me to question into why that might be for the majority of them, but that time is not now. So, as much as it may feel like cheating to pick a volumed book over single issues, I can’t help but say that Yona of the Dawn by far is my pick of the week. It delighted, it changed up its structure and storytelling, built out its world and has started spending more time on the titular characters where before it often felt like we were just taking for granted that there was a dragon gained every volume. And Yona herself is just one of the most satisfying characters to see grow into their own.

But that’s just my opinion, I’d love to hear what you all think. Agree? Disagree? Think I missed a great comic this week? Please let me know!

#SPOILERS #Wednesday Spoilers #Rena Roundups #Yona of the Dawn #Wonder Woman (2016 )#Superman (2016 )#Transformers: Lost Light #Spiderman/Deadpool (2016 )#Wonder Woman: Steve Trevor (2017)#Batman (2016 )

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grizzlefur · 7 years

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WWEm - Back Like a Recurrent UTI

In response to a comment from a reader, which is frankly one comment more than I ever thought I’d get, I’m dropping the interline punctuation. Be aware I may be switching to Comic Sans next week though.

Transmission date: Monday 5/Tuesday 6 June 2017.

Coming at you off the back of Medium-Strength Rules, this is THURSDAY AFTERNOON RAW!

so yeah, extreme rules was kind of crap like, i don't need it to be all barbed wire rope exploding table deathmatches, but that was honestly tamer than a lot of episodes of raw it's like waiting a fortnight for a jalfrezi and getting a shitty mushroom dopiaza or something (that's the subtitle of the dvd release, btw) (Extreme Rules 2017: The Shitty Mushroom Dopiaza of Wrestling) kkb took the belts, though, so that's good at least in any case, i should probably stop using this blog to bitch about ppvs that we're not watching and actually watch the show just kidding, it's my blog, i can do whatever the fuck i want NEXT UP: THE HIGHLY EFFECTIVE HABITS OF SUCCESSFUL LEAFCUTTER ANTS (2017, 7hrs 41mins) *daniel starts raw* dang ah well we'll get back to that particular gem we kick off with a dramatic slideshow of an entirely undramatic two-chilli rules main event if you haven't been keeping up with the results, joe won by stealing a pin opportunity and choking finn to death i have genuinely no clue how they're going to build a joe/brock feud without turning one of them, which would make no sense and be bullshit were the hardyz in the title sequence before? i am very unobservant, so it's possible jesus fuck, guys, you don't need to keep weaponising the pyro to see what i say we're back in the mohegan sun later, joe talks about life but now, here comes a bray to chop off your head or possibly declaim some eschatological craziness could be both who knows i'm wearing a SanItY shirt, i don't give a shit aww, apparently he's here to fight roman disappointing can he chop roman's head off? booker's still on announce, which is weird given that otunga was around to be on the pico de gallo rules preshow panel ok, bray's got a mic so at least we get some preaching before roman gets here apparently sunday was the beginning of the end, because bray will not be there to slay the beast because he was stabbed through the eye with his own sword of salvation but he's fine, because he's still a god (i'm not even paraphrasing) he's here to pass judgment on the guilty which includes basically everybody who isn't him he mentions roman, the arena roof levitates on the cloud of boos he's vowed to personally punish everyone, starting with roman now oh, and here he is personally, i would not enter a room with a man who had just levelled that particular bit of demagoguery at me but hey, i'm not roman reigns loving the guy on hardcam with the I CAME TO BOO ROMAN sign so did everyone else, it seems apocalyptic cult leader and self-proclaimed god vs big taciturn punch man which way is the heel/face divide even meant to go in this situation enormous boos, roman takes bray's mic, boos redouble apparently this kind of public hate is why roman is the guy sure, why not better than proclaiming yourself the BIG FIGHT man cannot tweet roman coldcocks bray, start the match bray nearly lands sister abigail within about six seconds that would have been fucking hilarious although it kind of feels like maybe bray should have a new finisher to fit this whole bringing judgment upon the guilty thing or maybe that's just my overly-narrative booking instincts who can say (that is definitely what it is) fuck off, daniel i'll rescind your fruit bowl privileges bray avoids a samoan drop through the incredibly advanced tactic of punching roman in the head repeatedly that's the kind of tactical nous you only get by anointing yourself with the burnt grave earth of your diabolic mistress as the saying goes did we really need to cut to that enormously wide shot where the camera's on the other side of a lighting rig several astronomical units away from the ring? like, we get that the mohegan sun's big no need to prove this at the expense of beign able to see shit if i wanted to watch insects wrestle while i shine a torch into one of my eyes, i could do that at home i'm going off on tangents a lot here because this match is slow as fuck roman is still creeped out to the point of a nearfall by bray's spiderwalk goes for a pin off an uranage, then takes roman to the top rope we could be here a while he does a few punches, roman headbutts him for longer than would seem necessary before turning it into a powerbomb roman cocks his hand, takes a couple tries to hit bray what happens if he cocks his hand and doesn't do anything with it? does he have to punch something to get rid of it before it goes off accidentally? or can he rack his forearm to eject a loaded fist? enquiring minds want to know anyway, while that muse was visiting me, bray heard roman going oooooooo and rolled out, took a driveby but punched roman's head off so it seems my earlier proposal was correct huh i can call murders better than matches bray goes for sister abigail, roman reverses into a superman punch and a really slow spear for the pin so yeah that happened meanwhile, someone in the crowd has leveraged all their crafting skills to make a sign informing us that BROCK LESNAR IS TICKLISH corey invents the adjective 'slaughterous' yeah, ok bray deserves new words end segment later on, we have joe doing a thing but next, we talk about the shitshow that was the 'extreme' women's title match "But can Bayley get EXTREEEEEME?" "No." but now, we have charly interviewing enzo and cass enzo's conscious, which is a change charly asks enzo about their match tonight with enzo and cass, he responds by creeping on charly and insulting corey's hair cass is insulted by the rumours that he was attacking his bro, promises to watch his back at all times and then they leave, and enzo returns to creep on charly alone good backwatching, colin what if charly was the mystery assailant it makes so much sense anyway, now we have a dull slideshow of the dull women's title match and photos of the one welt on bayley's back, which has made her take the night off somebody send jericho to talk to her in his curtain room/office, kurt is confused by his phone and here is alexa to present terms she wants a celebration of her entire life tonight because the this is your life segment went down so well outstanding kurt immediately comes back like fuck no that's an awful idea this is your life was dreadful and anyway you owe nia a title shot tonight alexa is none too pleased and slightly shellshocked but here's dean, aka 33% of the best bit of semi-notable rules and now, here's a very large man on a stool dressed entirely in scarves and fragments of scarves, with a song he wrote after seeing a leaf fall on the side of the highway

actual quote

it's a song about how dean sucks, basically

with a subtext about how elias deserves a title shot

dean's music interrupts it

it's an elias segment, so corey is SO ANGRY

dean does his hey dude hold on a second i just want to PUNCH thing

hits him until he goes away, and demands a title rematch but here's miz on the tron, like fuck no he's wearing a bow tie for the kickoff celebration of the ic title comeback tour and elias blindsides dean into his swinging neckbreaker and shouts at him, because sometimes you just gotta but up next, samoa joe the mohegan sun fans need something to cheer, or they're going to riot but first, dean storms backstage runs into kurt, asks for a ref in miz's dressing room kurt's like no, we've got a party planned and i'm scared of maryse, please go away no dean, don't go to miz's dressing room so kurt ejects him from the building it is just heel city so far oh hey, it's joe funny, that because the prevailing heel archetype at the moment is apparently 'large samoan man named joe' first shot of the match card graphics for great balls of fire, and it looks like shit if you're making a title graphic, maybe don't put a flashy effect around the word BALLS in the centre joe thinks brock ain't shit and wants to take everything he owns including his cushy non-wrestling schedule i think we all want brock's ability to draw a salary and have fans without doing shit joe also wants paul heyman, just for giggles oh hey, paul didn't see you there (largely because you were backstage and i don't have camera control) paul does his usual spiel, and still needs to check the definition of 'defending' does his usual thing of hi joe aren't you awesome can i come into your ring sir please don't hurt me but btw my client also thinks you yourself ain't shit does a soliloquy about worrying for a living, turns it into a jew joke sigh addresses the fact that brock/finn would have been a great story, while brock/joe is just going to be two large angry men trying to shoot kill each other paul does his usual great job of hyping both people in this match you're great, but my client's better paul shakes hands with joe, tries to leave, joe grabs him again and has an earnest face-to-face conversation he's so well-spoken he's like hey paul i understand you're just a legal representative but jsyk i'm about to choke the life out of you and this is exactly what it's going to feel like and then he does calm joe is the most intimidating joe refs get involved, but not until paul goes limp the crowd are unsure how to react to this assault joe shouts at the crowd some more, then leaves and we cut to ads on the sight of paul on the floor and we come back backstage, with kurt like THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO at joe who's like i don't know would you like me to demonstrate loooooooom but here comes seth to shout at joe and intervene also he has a new merch vest to show off kurt's like hey this sounds like a good match this booking shit is easy joe sidles off with a dark look, end thing but now we have slater and rhyno facing the kkb with the former's entrance being helpfully played under the announce team talking earnestly about joe the announcers and graphics team need to decide whether they're sheamus and cesaro or cesaro and sheamus dramatic slideshow of the cage match, making it make even less sense lovely closeup of jeff's post-dive 'holy fuck why do i still do this to myself' face bell rings, instead of getting out of the ring, cesaro creates an novel distraction by running across the ring and sliding out in the opponents' corner while sheamus commences to beating the piss out of heath slater knocks them both down, goes for a hot tag, cesaro pulls rhyno off the apron, brogue for the pin so that was a thing i'll be honest, i just love seeing them with the belts and they get mic spots awesome sheamus is like hey guys look like we know how to do this wrestling thing who knew are you all happy the hardyz came back well then you're all twats you know who isn't happy they came back? the hardyz, who basically ain't shit they reiterate their claim to be the bar, cue music and celebration but here's tjp backstage runs into neville oh so coincidentally like congrats, but where the fuck is my title shot neville does his usual patience, young one thing, tjp will no longer take this shit neville is a man of his word, and he'll give tj his shot if he takes care of mustafa next cut for ads, and here's that match tj's straight in with the slightly excessive aggression, tries to crush ali's face across the corner with his foot and then a bunch of cool spots happen faster than i can type about them but that should go without saying, really thanks for slowing things down with that really long rest headlock, tj mustafa does his lovely top rope twist torndo ddt, tries for the inverted 450, tj reverses into a detonation kick for the pin again with the really short matches mustafa deserves better tj swaggers up the ring, neville's crazy pyro hits, he basically shits himself, it's hilarious he's like i'm sorry my apprentice, i talked to kurt but we can't have a match tonight i tried tj shouts at him, storms off, so he blindsides him and beats the shit out of him on the stage and then says he can have his shot tomorrow on 205 i say 'says', more 'northernly rants' cut for ads, and we come back with another shattered dreams production goldust's like excuse you did you steal my format and my chair it is ON motherfucker promises to bring the whole movie industry into his coming golden age how this will interact with bray's prophesied apocalypse is unclear but now, in the women's locker room, mickie and dana congratulate sasha on her dance moves alexa comes in, sasha nopes out of the room and alexa's like hey girls what do you think about nia cutting in line for the title what a bitch right dana and mickie are like lol no we'll be at ringside laughing at you announce spot, and kurt appears to call corey away for urgent business involving gesturing at his phone and looking annoyed i have no clue what all this is building to if there's been foreshadowing, i've missed it cole tries to ask him what that's all about, corey's like OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT kalisto's here he's lost the aggressively sculpted dragon mask, back to more of an nxt-era lucha dragons thing back in mexican colours and everything whatever happened to el local ...okay, i totally did not know he was ricardo rodriguez i wouldn't have known who that was back when i started watching nxt, to be fair thanks, internet huh anyway, back on the show, ...mike? ambushes kurt backstage to ask what the fuck's going on with those emails or w/e he uses slightly more professional language, because he's talking to his boss while i'm screaming semi-informed obscenities into the formless void of the internet kurt's like nope, anonymous dude, this is private and walks out of the arena and dean sneaks in the door just before it closes dean ambrose: back like a recurrent uti (his disappointing third album) and as we watch him come in, the revival just happen to be in the back of the shot caught it that time i pay attention sometimes but now it's kalisto/titus or actually titus knocking kaliso down and then shouting at apollo also tozawa is watching because titus wants him on the brand kalisto gets a rollup holding titus' trunks, apollo's like welp guess you asked for that one boss does some light motivational slapping, end segment but here are miz and maryse, even more dapper than usual and pan over to big cass, collapsed under a bunch of girders and shit enzo comes running in like whoa what happened way to stay together, guys cass presents enzo with a tacky chain that he presumably took off his attacker, enzo hugs his bro as we cut to ads and we come back on enzo being like okay well this is clearly a frame job and btw we have a match so can cass wrestle or what the answer is no but now we're back in the ring, with carpet and champagne and balloons and maryse and a guy in a teddy bear suit with a sign says CONGRATULATIONS who is totally not dean ambrose no sir but seriously, miz must fucking love balloons this ring is at imminent risk of lifting off and here is the man himself and a dramatic slideshow of the actually-great match complete with the nicest ref ever but yes, miz and maryse both look fucking great tonight just saying surprising number of you deserve it chants miz is immediately like fuck off you chant that for everyone just reminding us he's still a heel and all but yes, i do deserve it and here's a speech about how i'm redeeming the ic belt a toast to me "Ladies and gentlemen, please raise a glass...or, if you're in this arena, a styrofoam cup..." delivered perfectly miz thanks maryse for all this stuff, mentions the bear, she's like um i thought you ordered the bear then who's flying the plane so miz attacks the bear on principle and finales him welp, that bear's dead dramatically unmasks him, revealing...some dude he's like ...um, well at least you had a brush with celebrity, get out of here *whips him out of the ring* and now here comes a big present down the ramp miz is like well isn't this nice what could this be grabs a chair, beats the shit out of the present while maryse shouts at him to stop and it's a very dead grandfather clock and a very sad maryse tells mike he ruined the party, throws the mic at him, storms off and we are left with a very dejected miz, blaming dean for all his problems and having a paranoid breakdown at the crowd and the steadicam guy who's been following miz throughout takes his headset and hat off and hits miz with dirty deeds lovely slow realisation as the camera feed went up on the tron dean swigs some champagne, takes the bottle and leaves okay, that was really well done but now, we see enzo wandering dejectedly backstage looking for a partner and now we see the family who have good seats because of pizza including the wonderfully-named Enzo Shirtz but yes gallows and anderson are in the ring and here comes enzo all on his onesie does his intro, but it's not the same without a large man gesticulating behind him does his 4G well-connected joke again get new material, dude but he's found himself a new seven-foot man it's a biiiiiig shooooooooow although it would have been amazing if it was braun big show stands in the middle of the ring like what is this tiny rodent enzo tries to give him a pep talk with some semi-coherent jokes mixed in show has progressed from 'bemused' to 'angered' this is the most awkward thing, and i could not do it justice without rubbing a buttered weasel on the keyboard and...now show is doing a joisey-accented monologue with an extended ice age reference before spelling it out for them? what the fuck is in this drink well, the match has started, so i guess the talking can stop bell rings, anderson kicks enzo's soul out of his body standard swift hot tag to show, who...does all the normal show stuff chokeslam to anderson, into badaboomshakalaka except in the form of show military pressing enzo and then just rhowing him straight at anderson well, that was a thing that happened? lasted about 90 seconds anyway next up, women's title match but here are zo and show backstage run into cass, who's like hey funny how show disappears for weeks and then he's back when you need a partner casts suspicion about show being the culprit, enzo wants to give him a ride, but cass takes him away and now let's have a terrible blaxploitation segment full of film references yup but now mike? interviews alexa in the curtain room he asks if she regrets giving nia this shot, she's like i regret this show fuck off faceless dude and back to the arena, here's nia

cut to ads, and...now a weird bit where every version of this i can find appears to have overwritten the entire women's match with the elias segment from earlier the fuck, internet apparently it was pretty much what you might have thought - nia stomped all over alexa, dana and mickie pointed and laughed, and then alexa went and started a fight with those two for a dq win i would have liked to watch that, but guess that's not happening back to the actual show just in time for a graphic for the cruiserweight title match thank fuck i didn't miss that and apparently brock will be here next week i repeat, the champion will be on the show he supposedly leads novel idea so yes, here's everyone's favourite towel-sporting middle-aged-man-strangler and also seth, who didn't try to murder a doughy guy in a suit today bell rings, joe just gets down to punching seth's face in before even taking off his towel seth goes for a suicide dive, joe roundhouse kicks him as he comes out of the ropes, because he is way more flexible than he really should be this match is 10% seth doing cool cruiserweighty shit and 90% joe's hundred flavours of NOPE seth does a sling blade into a suicide dive, and it actually works this time and into a blockbuster because why stop at one signature and as i type that, there goes another suicide dive and then into a falcon arrow, as seth goes fuck you i can do strength spots seth goes up to the top rope, wyatt cut because fuck you lights go back up, seth looks around for a bray who is very much not here, joe blindsides him and coquina clutch until death and we fade on seth bleeding, joe strutting, WOMP WOMPing, and an entirely unnecessary reminder that brock'll be here next week do you have to ruin everything, wwe (don't answer that) smackdown will probably follow tomorrow, after i've gone and been an instrument of democracy but in the meantime, let me tell you about these ants -------------------- And if you enjoyed that, we hope you'll be back next week for our seminar on Following Pheromone Trails In An Increasingly Odoriferous World. right, now that that's done, it's probably time for some FRIDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN! (i apologise in advance for any political jokes that slip through) (it's been a tough few days) and we open on a dramatic retelling of the women's five-way last week so yeah, women's mitb is probably going to be the big story this week i've had some of this show spoiled, but i honestly can't remember what, so that's sorted itself out and we're back in the present, and here come the shaney and also the five contenders are in the ring already and one of them's brought their creeper charlotte is looking ridiculously overdressed in her black sequin robe seven words in, shane gets a cheap pop in shane starts introducing them all, calls tamina "a two-time superstar" the fuck does that even mean the crowd love charlotte, but they love becky more apparently we're having a six-woman tag match later because why not have the entire division in the ring *again* drumroll as shane reveals the case it's basically the same, except silver and with some extra detailing on the logo no pink, thank fuck shane has a monologue about how dangerous the mitb match is, like he totally does with the men claims whoever has won this in the past has become champion somewhere, damien sandow is crying ellsworth calls shane out for mansplaining the mitb match, carmella gets a monologue until charlotte shouts her down leans on the genetic superiority thing, offers the other four a chance at brushing against greatness somehow a face? nattie calls her out for ripping off her father, proceeds to do the same to her uncle becky calls her on this, promises to rip off everybody's arms should be worth watching tamina gets to say words, which is novel but here comes naomi gets to do her whole entrance, because fuck this argument i'm the champ hypes the match like dang i wish i was allowed to be in this INTERRUPTING TRASH SAX lana is actually here in person (why do i like this music what is wrong with me) struts down the ramp, everyone in the ring just standing there like um fuck the what shane's like um hi? btw i was trying to do a thing, why are you in my ring shit, she's still russian and weirdly propositioning shane while also asking for a spot in the mitb match naomi just bursts out laughing like do you even go here why do you get to be in this match when you've had like none ever lana claims she can beat naomi, i smell a match for later shane's like seriously this is not how this show works lana has a tantrum in russian, flounces off up the ramp a+ flounce the crowd are loving her shane's like RIGHT back to the actual show that i run let's have this tag match Pun Murderer, FluoroTwerk and Queen Bitch vs Wrestling Mom, Thug Girl (and Douchey), and Obligatory Samoan lots of spots happened while i was working that out, but the gist is it's pretty even so far currently becky is alligator rolling carmella around the ring with her legs there's my thing i haven't seen before for the week apparently carmella taking the briefcase would be "like moving from HD televisions back to nanotubes" i'm going to go out on a limb and say jbl doesn't understand how science works interference by nattie and ellsworth lets tamina hot tag in and grind becky to pulp nattie tags in so she can walk over becky and taunt her teammates she'd be a much more effective wrestler with more wrestling naomi and carmella both hot tag in, the champ commences to cleaning house including three short-arm leg lariats to tamina because hey, if you can manage those, why not throw a bunch in nattie and tamina both come in to interfere, and here's lana to loom on the ramp and knock naomi off the apron, letting tamina superkick her for the pin stands at ringside looking smug like yes i did do that the fuck you gonna do and we go backstage, where shane runs into the andre the giant trophy mid-phone call like the fuck is this horrible public art and here's mojo to address the fact that he won that match and then nothing else fucking ever and be like should i maybe have been in the mitb match being the only person that's beaten jinder on smackdown and all shane offhandedly mentions luke harper, the crowd go wild shane's giving mojo a match against jinder to qualify for the ladder match because as ever, shane books this shit about twenty seconds in advance later we have owens/nakamura but next, styles/ziggler again and weirdly, by 'next', we don't mean 'after someone from the last segment has an encounter backstage' for once here is aj now they still don't want none although by the sound of the crowd, rochester, NY don't not want none dolph enters, recap video of dolph going over aj last week which i had totally forgotten looking more closely at the men's briefcase, the logo detailing's the same so yeah, it's just the colour that's different bell rings, we start going old-school mat wrestling turns out dolph has amateur technical skills that aren't just assaults to the crotch and also, he can dropkick you in the face dolph goes for the most blatant dirty pin, gets caught just before 3 and then a famouser actually connects for a nearfall i tend to rag on them repeating matches, but hey, this is a good match slow superplex setup actually resolves in an interesting way dolph counters a phenomenal forearm into another dirty pin attempt, aj reverses into a styles clash with like no setup, gets the pin because we're actually respecting finishers for the moment and from that to more fashion files noir tyler has a gritty monologue about the connections between prison and the catwalk and narrates himself looking at their clue board fandango returns from taking the cologne to the boys in the lab, only to find out that there's no boys and no lab, so he just tasted it himself as you do

and then this leads into the two of them repeatedly saying a mixture of 'cologne', 'colón' and 'clone' at each other with an increasing sense of incredulity this is like a fucking two ronnies sketch and i love it tyler finally gets it or not nor does fandango, which obviously means they must be close tyler offers a hopeful "Colóse?" and we cut to the new day and their ice cream cart what is life but still with the noir saxophone soundtrack they've come to the fashion police office and are bemused by how they turn black and white as they enter the new day have a case for them, the police say they'll take it, except the new day can't hear them because they're still speaking in their shared noir internal monologue and i am falling apart here big e is uncomfortable with how they're just staring at him but he's got them both rompers carried in his singlet, obviously fandango is not impressed "Listen, Big E, if that's even your real initial..." line of the night right there fandango is offended because they don't take bribes pan over to tyler, who is already wearing his like hey they're fashionable screw you the new day want intel on the usos for mitb breezango hand them five file boxes pull out a hoodie, ask the new day what they know about day one and why it is h xavier is trying so hard not to corpse the fashion police take the case, sax sting, they freeze frame until the new day are like ummmmmmm we'll just go while their noir monologue starts a 'new case rocks' chant that was amazing and you have no idea how many times i had to pause it to type but back in normality...oh wait, it's mojo i still can't hear his music without my brain adding zack's parts and here's a video to tell us that cena's coming back on july 4th, because of course he fucking is i thought jinder's music was different to usual but it's the singhs doing ring announce for jinder in english and punjabi and there's the music i was expecting i really like the ramp graphics they do for his entrance and he remains jacked as fuck somewhere in america, heath slater is watching smackdown and nxt and developing an inferiority complex it's just occurred to me that jinder's and aj's entrances have basically the same beat and structure somebody make me that mashup maybe this entrance is just they don't want none in punjabi that would be amazing i love how they've given jinder a properly long entrance with some gravitas and just generally how seriously they're taking him as a champion mojo is getting the upper hand with the power of HYPE (always upper case) every time jinder rolls out of the ring, the singhs are like omg boss are you ok can i get you a drink and they just have long arguments in punjabi and don't even try and let the average american in on it a singh distracts mojo and lets jinder just jump on his head a bunch doesn't take, because that's never where mojo keeps his brain flurry of offence later, jinder gets an eye rake in and khalass for the pin decent match by two underrated performers jinder's veins seem to have calmed down a bit too, which is reassuring jinder has a mic, the population of rochester is not pleased oh, fuck off your usa chants promises to kill randy and crush his dreams at mitb, leans on the hometown angle again proclaims himself the antidote to randy orton, and by extension america and then does a promo in punjabi, pissing off americans because america another hype bit for owens/nakamura and a video about how cool shinsuke is and somebody painting a protrait of him this video is basically all showmanship, but that's totally appropriate he's great in the ring, but that's not why people love him but next, the new day actually fight and they keep saying it's owens/nakamura 'for the first time ever' i have gifs that disagree but now, randy is backstage renee comes in to ask what he thinks about jinder's promo apparently he's been getting calls from ric flair, harley race and his dad, telling him to let jinder talk and then fuck him up so that's what he's going to do sure, that's compelling interview work but actually now, it's the new day v the colóns they're still throwing boxes of cereal into the crowd and pouring them on fans, because fuck your health and safety it's xavier/e, because this isn't a serious match so naturally, jbl goes off on a tangent about operation overlord this is 90% the colóns taking all the new day spots you know and love xavier and e do the ab stretch/spank thing at the same time, xavier somehow gets francesca ii turbo despite having a match to wrestle in a side note, primo's gone and shaved, so now i have no clue which colón is which xavier does a huge missile dropkick on epico, double hot tag and big e proceeds to annihilate primo xavier does a casual tope con giro, primo tries for a pin from the distraction, fails because fuck you we're the new day, blind tag into midnight hour for the pin their post-match celebration is interrupted by the usos' aggressive music they're here to talk trash at the new day and do their prison thing, astonishingly and they have shitty misogynistic jokes about the new day and jimmy's paranoia monologue i do like that they're doing all this mic work, but can we maybe not be offensive to marginalised groups shot of kevin taping his wrists backstage, but here's dasha in the curtain room with sami asking how he's preparing for mitb he's been watching lots of matches, basically and he has no idea how to get a handle on shinsuke slippery bastard sami tries to do some of shinsuke's moves, it doesn't go well so he's going to be on announce for owens/nakamura for research purposes baron looms into the room, coldcocks sami then hits him with a ladder like stop thinking about shinsuke don't you love me and then pushes him into a convenient pile of ladders and says he's taking the announce spot cut to shane on the phone like i am literally watching the show what the shit was that why do i keep that enormous douchebag around man spends a lot of time in expository phone calls (says the woman narrating the entire show on the internet) but here's naomi to ask for a match with lana at mitb shane's like seriously you have no clue how busy i am right now naomi lobbies harder, puts the title on the line after saying lana doesn't deserve a title shot because she hasn't earned it? does the bald-snatching line, end segment and now main event time here's kevin good sweeping shot of the ring apron and floor, wrong steadicam guy #smackdownediting ad for talking smack, with aj, mojo, and lana and tjp telling us to watch 205 becuse he's awesome [citation needed] claims you can't stab someone in the back if they're standing in front of you tjp has clearly never heard of the concept of elbows baron's on announce great the two facts they put on shinsuke's sidebar are literally 'from kyoto' and 'former nxt superstar' fascinating but what do i care, i'm busy watching him in his studded tabard that everybody will be wearing in the future bell rings, shinsuke does his oh did you want a tieup i'm just going to kick you in the knees baron talks about his storied history of fucking sami up nobody cares, you balding twat kevin has briefly tried to take shinsuke on at the kicking game, failed, and returned to mastering headlocks shinsuke's kicked off a comeback with a lovely single leg dropkick nearfall off his knees to the corner baron acknowledges that shinsuke is dangerous, my no shit alarm is destroying my eardrums (daniel, can you please take the batteries out of that) baron's still trying to talk smack about kevin, but his particular brand of smack is just shite meanwhile, reverse exploder to kinshasa for the win a lightly underwhelming main event, tbh, but shinsuke's clearly been holding back on the in-ring stuff since moving up which makes perfect sense shinsuke does his poses, corbin runs in to end of days him so hard his stupid hat comes off crowd are not best pleased i'm mostly just concerned as to why he's dressed like the second-rate pot dealer at every college (baron, that is) (i would love it if people at my college dressed like shinsuke) and we fade on baron awkwardly posing at the top of the ramp and having no idea what do with his arms halfhearted shimmy as the show ends and now i'm off to watch talking smack and make shitty political jokes you can't stop me you're not my real dad (one of you reading this is my real dad and can stop me) (also possibly daniel's uncle, if he actually reads this) (memo to self: stop antagonising authority figures for literally no reason)

#WWE #WWE Raw #wwe smackdown #Wrestling

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