#(they will be going to superhell and they need to know)

[inkedmyths]

S2: E1 "In My Time of Dying"

Brought to you by hi, I'm not dead, just very sleepy a lot because of school. Finally answered all those anons, now an episode. Just for you guys.

This episode featuring: Dean's on strike 2 with the near death nonsense, Sam's psychic-ing needs work, don't fear the reaper, and Certified Dad Moments

Woooo recap

[ Kayla: CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SOOOON ]

WHSHSHSH THE RADIO GOING as they're like half dead in the car

Oop there goes the demon

Oh no the poor guy that was posessed

RIP Sam is the only one still conscious

Morning sleeping beauty

Hm. Maybe? Creepy empty hospital? Whats up here

[ Silas: color theory ]

Is Dean having one of them out of body experiences

HE SURE IS I CALLED IT

Cmon Sam aren't you psychic

[ Anniss snickers, having apparently forgotten what this guy gets up too. Yeah Sam's just sort of psychic and it's only relevant like half the time. ]

Dean's standing here like AAA IM RIGHT HERE GODDAMMIT

Sooo true Sam but like yeah it is important

Protection since they might be attacked at any time

Dean (out of body) judging their Dad

OH NO THE CAR

Whshshsgsgsv where's Dean is he going MY CARRR

Ohhh Sam are u projecting onto the car

Ohh Bobby knows someth too... what are they hidiiing

Dean is like I WANT TO BE ACTUALLY AWAKE THIS ISN'T FAIR

Oooough hes yelling at his dad... who can't hear him........

UH OH

Somethin zoomed by

Is Dean gonna have to outrun Death or someth... who dis

Hmmmmm thats not good

UH OHH

Oh they are fighting and now Dean can't intervene

OH Dean can knock stuff around!!

WJSHSH DEAN

Uh oh Dean

OH NO

Bitch slap it bitch slap it

Oh Sam is picking up on somthing now!

Okay so there is something haunting the hospital

Dean is going to literally be fighting for his life

Oh someone else is stuck like this!! Hi Tessa! Out of body funtime party! Trying not to die!

Oh whatcha grabbin Sam?

Whshshs now we are just vibing as out-of-body spirits

Oh the spooky! The evil spooky!

Hmmm

Whatcha got there Sam are u gonna put it on Dean to try and talk to him

WAIT DOES HE HAVE

HAHAHAHAHHAA

OUIJA BOARD THATS SO FUNNY

Dean is so offended and put off

"Hunt"

"Reaper"

Hough

:(

Uh oh John is Gone

Ur a terrible father sir

[ Crepe says this is his highest point in being a father, which is terribly ominous. ]

Just a little light Demon Summoning

U h O h

ohhhhh

John buddy what the hell. Literally! Lol. Since we're summoning shit

Hello Demon(s)

MAKE A DEAL?

I don't like this but I guess we have to start somewheeeere

"You can't leave me here alone with Dad, we'll kill each other, you know that" wjshsj love functional families

"We were just starting to be brothers again" AUGH :((

WHSHSHS SHES JUST GIVING HIM THE STAGES OF GRIEF

Damn this is heavy

A Warrior's Death

Ohh. OH THATS HOW ANGRY SPIRITS ARE BORN..... Wough.........

The Colt for Dean.......

Hm? Sam and the other children? Whats the deallll

[ Crepe and Melon are hyping up the upcoming Father Moment. ]

Oh no! Oh boy! Im a fear!

I kind of like this Reaper tbh she's just. Nice. Talking people through their deaths.

[ Crepe says they all do that. ]

Yeah I guess the last one was leashed and pissed about it

OH NO

what the fuck

The doctor: Hm well thats fucking bizarre

Dean doesn't remember????

"Except this pit in my stomache saying something's wrong..."

Hm

Hmm

John: (apologizes and asks not to fight)

Sam: Are you good?? You okay???

(The answer is no)

GOD. Being about to die is one helluva wakeup call. BASTARD

Dean: ??? Fear?? Worried??? Dad what?????

Oh hes telling him someth

???

Dramatically drops the coffee

Howd u drop it upright

Time of death 10:41 AM

Well damn!

Great start to season 2: Dads fuckin dead!

---

I guess that's one hell of a way to kick things off for the season, but damn. Like, after all that work they put into trying to find their dad, then trying to help him, save him... and he dies anyways. So Dean can live.

Crepe and Melon spent several more messages just roasting the hell out of John Winchester, which, while it's probably fair, rather took away from the emotion of the scene LMAO

So uh. Gonna be interesting to see how they go forward from here and what their goal will be.

So. Dad Winchester is dead, the Colt has been taken by That Specific Demon alongside its last bullet, and Dean and Sam are here and traumatized. Interesting.

[torahtot]

everyone daven for me i just got back from my brother's (yeshivish school) graduation and tomorrow night i have to go to Yeshivish Central for my cousins wedding

[vtino]

blitzfizz

enjoying blitzfizz in such normal average neurotypical ways as we speak <3

[eli-void]

Fuck you all now when someone tearfully confesses their undying love for me I will be obligated to share the latest braking news (tumblr law)

[incorrectbatfam]

What are their go to conversation starters?

Alfred: Lesson #18 of behaving like a human being: initiating conversations.

Alfred: At a formal event, you are expected to engage with others in an appropriate manner. For this exercise, I want you to pretend I'm a guest and impress me.

Dick: Good evening, sir. I really appreciate you having here. If you need anything at all, don't hesitate to ask.

Dick: *smiles and gives Alfred a firm handshake*

Alfred: Excellent job, except one thing.

Alfred, holding up his arm: It was not necessary to take my watch. You're not a mission, Master Dick.

Dick: But what if I am?

Alfred: That's a lesson for another day. Next.

Jason: Now, hypothetically, if a very bad man killed your son, wouldn't YOU—

Alfred: That's enough. Next.

Tim: My name's Tim and I'm afraid of wasps because they have a photographic memory of all who wronged them.

Alfred: Dismissed. Next.

Damian: *walks away to play with the dog*

Alfred: We'll come back to him. Next.

Duke: Wanna beta-read my Luke Fox Final Fantasy MMA AU fanfic?

Cullen: Wanna beta-read my Destiel Superhell fix-it fanfic?

Alfred: Next.

Steph: Last night I dreamt I was a waffle, but I was also the plate and the fork and myself eating the me-waffle.

Alfred: That's disturbing, next.

Cass: *stares*

Alfred: You are supposed to say something.

Cass: Something.

Alfred, sighing: Next.

Barbara: Hi, I'm Barbara. You must be Alfred, right? How are you liking the party?

Alfred, acting: I'm enjoying it very much, thank you.

Barbara: Okay, so you didn't notice me remotely disabling an army of robot cockroaches. Phew!

Alfred: We were so close. Next.

Harper: Can you believe it? Some asshole disabled my robo-roaches.

Alfred: For the last time, Miss Harper, no robotic insects at galas. Next.

Carrie: Hello, sir. Can I get you anything?

Alfred, acting: A glass of water would be nice.

Carrie: Sure thing. One cup of locally sourced water, coming right up.

Alfred: Never mind. Next.

Kate: Your daughter is hot.

Alfred: Wrong answer. Next.

Helena: Tell me everything you know about the Maroni family or so help me—

Alfred: Different script, Miss Helena. Please turn to page 67 for gala conversations.

Luke: What does it mean when someone you know sends you their fanfiction about yourself?

Alfred, rubbing his temples: Next, please.

Bette: Head's up!

Bette: *spikes a volleyball*

Alfred, catching it: Next.

Selina: Wanna see pictures of my cats?

Bruce: Wanna see pictures of my kids?

Alfred:

Alfred: I think we should start again from the top.

[gremlinbabe]

Like I know we’re all talking about FBI stiles coming back from top-secret high priority FBI mission to rain hellfire on Beacon Hills for Derek.

But imagine this

We just get a soft grown grieving stiles. There’s no anger at first. He’s always known that Derek was a martyr. He just needs to see himself.

We just get to see a Stiles comfortable & settled for once in his body. He’s powerful, happy with himself, with his life, & his magic. Only to physically feel the love of his life taken from him thousands of miles away. It’s only hurts more to know he’s most likely went by fire. Stiles has grown into a beautiful, full bearded , sad eyed man with a ring on his hand that was given to him as a gift by his love. He only came back to beacon hills to confirm he was really gone. Only to find a son he didn’t know of, that will need his help. And of course stiles helps. Aside from the boy being a spitting image of himself and Derek, stiles finds out the nematon is calling him & the boy. And there’s was no way he was going to leave the boy with a weakened true alpha who let his pack bonds deteriorate and a huntress who’s mentally 17 & who’s aunt murdered the child’s entire extended family.

After tearing the hales an immediate new one for leaving Eli in Scott and Allison’s care. Stiles makes arrangements to move back into beacon hills.He raises Eli and reestablishes the pack and acts as their alpha. And eventually we will see stiles go through all different stages of grief until he gets to anger and he snaps and is ready to not only beat everyone’s ass (except Eli and his dad) but also literally go into superhell and pull the love of his life outta bardo no matter what the cost is (most likely his powers) When he realizes if there still a chance to save him.

[tenebrous-academic]

Thank you for your lengthy answer! I love it, I might camp in your asks for a while and enjoy your insight if you don't mind.

God there are so many things we could get with them, they're the definition of potential. I hope and pray tommy's staying for long in s8. I could go on for hours just talking about how good and fitting his character is.

I’m lighting a fire for s’mores, camp away ⛺️🔥🍫

Tommy is so fascinating as a character. He’s sweet, considerate, compassionate, has deadpan humour, and he has a full life outside of his romantic interests. He was able to establish a solid friendship with Eddie even before he knew Buck was interested, and he came over to try and smooth tensions when he could have easily dipped out to avoid any conflict.

He’s confident in his actions and likes taking charge, but also has no problem letting Buck take the reins when he wants to. He’s committed to his promises (see attending the bachelor party even while on call, and coming to the hospital to go to a wedding after fighting a fire for the last 15 hours). He showed up dirty, sweaty, and exhausted - but he showed up. And that is so important for someone to do if they’re going to date Buck.

He’s built like a brick shithouse and somehow manages to make Buck look small next to him. Do we realize how insane that is???? But he’s so gentle with Buck too. I think Buck really needs that gentleness after everything he’s been through. Most people look at Buck and see a strong man who doesn’t need any tenderness because they assume he can take it. But Tommy is treating Buck with care. His “Evan” says everything we need to know about the way he views Buck. Legitimately I can’t get over the tone he uses when he says Evan’s name. It’s so insane and so perfect.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Tommy deserves the Castiel treatment and to be made into a series regular (just without the yeeting into SuperHell after a love confession).

[auramgold]

On Acht and Romance

going into side order, from the september direct trailer where Acht was first revealed i remember the joke at the time clearly being "and now Marina's ex is here".

the way this line [image description in alt] was written was basically the only evidence for this kind of idea, when the theories were kind of "Marina's order tantrum is sucking people in from her past and the DLC will be about going through her memories", so ellipses in a line like this is basically all theory crafters on no info need to go for shipping.

i'm not one who's super into plot theory crafting, i know full well the tendency to theorize something that's cooler than what you actually get and being disappointed that the story didn't live up to your imagination. the things i was obsessed with in side order promotional material was the obvious bleached coral theme, the symbolism of coral ejecting it that which keeps it safe out of stress being mapped onto Marina, the idea of her pushing those she loves (and those that keep her colorful) away out of a spiral (and it does turn out that was basically exactly what the prologue was going for)

so the whole "Acht and Marina exes" thing was kinda just a joke to me, wasn't even on my radar as something they were actually going to lean into, frankly i was still scared nintendo was going to make them kill pearlina by sending Marina to superhell or smth and we'd end up with a splatoonified destiel meme

so when the DLC comes out and it is legitimately a "they knew each other since childhood" thing, and the running bit is Acht feeling awkward third-wheeling pearlina, and it's explicit in text that one of the reasons they're coming back after the DLC is over is to scope out Pearl as the girl who took down the NILS statue who is now dating Marina... it struck me as really interesting.

at first it was me keeping up the "Marina and Acht are exes" as a joke, but as i kept reading dialogue lines, it slowly became less of a joke, they were to some degree dating because opposite but complimentary autisms, and then drifting apart as Marina got pulled away on the big girl assignment with DJ Octavio, and then the despair of knowing Marina left without even saying goodbye to Acht... it fits well into that reading, it slowly became less of a joke to believe that

but the thing that really makes me think this is intentional subtext is the final Acht diary entry you get from clearing Eight's palette. through the rest of side order talking about Acht's backstory, it seemed like they were retconning the OE lore that Acht had gotten themself sanitized intentionally, losing themself so they could explore their music deeper. but in the final diary, where Acht directly says they drifted into the deepsea metro to fall into their music, because, and i quote

"Hey, Marina. You can guess the chaos your desertion caused. I ended up without much to do except make music. "

they fell into a depression spiral when their girlfriend deserted their society without so much as saying goodbye, falling into their music deep away from interacting with everyone else, to the point that, as the old lore implies, they chose to give up their identity to escape the depression, but sanitization so thoroughly did it that they forget even making the choice.

so when they get brought out of that haze back into being themself again, with the only the barest strung-together horrified memories of what happened in the half a decade interim gap in their life, only to find themself replaced by some inkling they don't know at all, of course they're gonna be awkward seeing the two flirting.

they put on a stoic face because that's clearly their coping mechanism within this damaged body they barely recognize, hiding their eyes behind their tinted glasses so they can't be seen beneath. but the only time they let themself be vulnerable, the only time their eyes can be seen, is when they charge out in the climax when the world is at stake, diving in to try to save Marina, leaving the elevator and its protection behind to help the only person they remember ever caring about.

it's why i don't really like the aroace reading that much, because i think this reading is even more tragic and fits into the themes. the world has changed, it can't go back to how it once was, you can't put the octolings back in the canyon bottle. Marina abandoned Acht to the point they got their identity destroyed willingly to escape the pain, and when Acht came back they were replaced by the inkling whose voice they remember even through the haze of sanitized memories.

the lingering effects of sanitization have changed how they relate to everything (i think there's a fair argument to be made for the idea that sanitization took their gender can't have shit in the deepsea metro), but Acht clearly still cares for Marina and still, the slightest bit, resents having to be reminded repeatedly every time pearlina flirts in front of them how they were replaced.

[alfredoalfredoalfredo]

The bad kids and whether they would be into superwholock

(with supernatural info from @fatally-addicted-to-fiction)

so the bad kids all love doctor who and watch it together but imma be prescribing their fav doctor

Riz: 100% this man is into sherlock but just because he hates it so much. All the plot holes in the mysteries drive him mad and he has his own conspiracy board for the plot lines. For supernatural he would skip all the plot episodes and only watch the filler case solving episodes. He would then realize he needs the whole picture and watch the entire 15 seasons. His fav doctor is david tennents because he does the most mystery solving.

Fig: Only know about sherlock from Riz's deranged ramblings but ships Jonlock. Fig recommended supernatural to Riz but has only watched the earlier 'edgy' seasons. Her fav doctor would def be Tennant or Capaldi due to their "i don't wear my heart on my sleeve but i do" attitude.

Kristen: Again only know sherlock from Riz and Adaine but ships jonlock and makes weird edits of them to show Riz who hates it. She loves supernatural- the biggest destiel shipper ever and has frequent arguments with Riz over whether it's canon (Riz thinks it totally normal to be so devoted to your best friend you would go to superhell). The biggest Matt smith fan, buys a fez, won't stop wearing the fez, the bad kids have to stage an intervention

Adaine: Also into sherlock but just sorta watches it in the background while she does other stuff. Like to try and solve the mysteries with Riz and hates what a pretentious prick Sherlock is in the later seasons. Adaine watches supernatural with Fig, Kristen, Riz, Jawbone, Sandra-Lynn and Ayda at mordered manor and really connects with the found family aspect. Casual fan. Her favourite doctor is Jodie whittaker and hates her shitty writing but she says her favourtie is Ecclestone cause hes her second fav.

Fabian: Not into sherlock at all, thinks it's for nerds like the ball. Same with supernatural but after seeing a few of the fight scenes he watches a few episodes alone in his giant house so he can feel connected to his friends and know what they are talking about. His favourite doctor is matt smith and peter capaldi for reasons

Gorgug: Watched season one but didnt go any further. Really likes the mark of cain arc and sees a lot of himself in castiel. He's just sorta vibing with the others who watch it. His favourite doctor is Tennat as he has more gadgets.

[rhcpjfmymind]

all of tumblr hinting/straight up saying the teen wolf movie made the sterek ship canon on derek's side... but no one explains how or is posting gifs and I'm not going to go through +2h of movie without stiles and knowing derek's sent to superhell at the end. so. pls i need and explanation

[percheduphere]

Hey! At first, I want to say that really adore your essays. I found your blog shortly after I joined tumblr and it was a great beginning.

My question is not only about Loki. Few times you mentioned that queer subtext always existed in cinema. So I wanted to know more about it. Are there any common tricks which artists use? How can we know that it isn't just our imagination?

And if you could give some literature recommendations on this topic I'd be thrilled :)

Hi Anon! 

This is a really important question. I’m so glad you asked it, so I’ve bumped you to the front of my inbox queue.  

Superhell (Destiel). Superheaven (Aziracrow). Supertime (Lokius). It’s not an accident these types of tragic queer endings are a pattern in our TV media. Though of the three, Good Omens is the most likely to deliver a happy ending eventually, the resources I provide below contextualize why queer subtext and queer tragedy persists. I believe the paper on Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is a particularly important read as it sheds light on tragic queer tropes and utilization of queer subtext from the 1950s that persist to this day. 

I do need to clarify a few things: 

1.) I’m not a formal scholar. I don’t have a Master’s, let alone a PhD. I would love to continue my education, but I only just finished paying off my student loans. This is to say, most of what I’ve learned is from self-guided reading, watching documentaries, and talking to literary and cinematic professionals and members of the LGBTQAI+ community. 

2.) Subtext exists in all forms of art: literature, music, painting, sculptures, film, and so on. There is no 1-to-1 definition of what subtext could be because subtext, by its very definition, is the communicating of information and/or a feeling without communicating it directly. It’s also important to remember that we use subtext in everyday life without realizing it.  

3.) It’s necessary to share foundational resources in order to provide a greater contextual understanding in response to your question. The resources I'll be sharing, which will go from broad foundational to specifically queer subtext in cinema, are as follows: A.) Using JSTOR, B.) Linguistics & Subtext, C.) Film History, D.) Queer Subtext in Literature, Theater, and Film. 

USING JSTOR 

JSTOR is an incredible academic journal article resource. You can sign-up as a user and have access to up to 100 articles per month online for free! If you don’t feel comfortable creating an account, you can also visit your local library, who more likely than not have a JSTOR membership. 

When searching for articles, I recommend using these keywords: queer, homosexuality, subtext, literature, film, history. 

LINGUISTICS & SUBTEXT 

Pragmatics 

-- Jerome Bruner’s “Pragmatics of Language and Language of Pragmatics” (Available on JSTOR; Published by The Johns Hopkins University Press) 

-- Kristin Borjesson’s “The Semantics-Pragmatics Interface: The Role of Speak Intentions and Nature of Implicit Meaning Aspects” (Available on JSTOR; Published by Armand Colin) 

Iceberg Theory and Theory of Omission 

-- Silvia Ammary’s “Poe’s ‘Theory of Omission” and Hemingway’s ‘Unity Effect’” (Available on JSTOR; Published in the Edgar Allan Poe Review) 

-- Charles J. Nolan, Jr’s “‘Out of Season’: The Importance of Close Reading’” (Available on JSTOR; Published in the Rocky Mountain Review of Language and Literature) 

-- Paul Smith’s “Hemingway’s Early Manuscripts: The Theory and Practice of Omission” (Available on JSTOR; Published by Journal of Modern Literature) 

Implicature 

-- Catherine Abell’s “Pictorial Implicature” (An important read as it provides academic context on interpretation of the visual medium, which is connected to interpretation of film; Available on JSTOR; Published by The American Society for Aesthetics) 

-- Eric Swanson’s “Omissive Implicature” (Linguistic study on implied communication through omission) Available on JSTOR; Published by University of Arkansas Press) 

-- Jacques Moeshcler’s “On the Pragmatics of Logical Connectives” (Published in the book: “Aspects of Linguistic Variation) 

Exformation 

-- David Foster Wallace’s “Laughing with Kafka” (Yes, the same writer of the book, Infinite Jest! A quick 4-page read that explains exformation in literature using Kafka as an example; Available on JSTOR; Published in Log by Anyone Corporation) 

-- Stephen J. Burn’s “Reading the Multiple Drafts Novel” (23 pages; can be a slog to read, but it addresses the issues of “canon”; Available on JSTOR; Published by The Johns Hopkins University Press) 

FILM HISTORY 

Generally, I recommend looking up Hollywood History pre-code (Hays Code aka the Motion Picture Production Code from 1930-1967). Notice that the code’s abandonment was gradual in the 60s, which was when the U.S.’s sexual revolution occured. The MPAA Film Rating System went into effect in 1968.  

Sin if Soft Focus: Pre-Code Hollywood by Mark A. Vieira 

Available in hard cover on Amazon (looks like there’s only 1 copy left); no digital version that I can find. You may be able to find this at your library. 

Forbidden Hollywood: The Pre-Code Era (1930-1934): When Sin Rules the Movies by Mark A. Vieira 

Available on Kindle. Similar to Vieira’s first book but considered inferior.  

The Celluloid Closet: Homosexuality in the Movies by Vito Russo 

Published in the 1980s, a groundbreaking work and the first of its kind. It’s dated but still considered critical reading. 

Screening the Sexes: Homosexuality in the Movies by Parker Tyler 

Available in hardcover and paperback. This is also considered critical reading to be paired with Celluloid Closet. 

Images in the Dark: An Encyclopedia of Gay and Lesbian Film and Video by Raymond Murray 

Available in paperback on Amazon (1 copy left); likely to be in the library as well. 

QUEER SUBTEXT IN LITERATURE, THEATER, AND FILM 

Queerbaiting and Fandom: Teasing Fans through Homoerotic Possibilities 

The first book of its kind, published in 2019. A must-read as contributing articles include analysis on Supernatural, Sherlock, and Merlin, among many others. I highly recommend reading the entire book, but it is expensive. You may be able to find this at your library.  

My recommended articles from this book: 

-- Joseph Brenann’s “Introduction: A History of Queerbaiting” is critical to understanding the Loki series specific place in queer fandom and media history. 

-- Monique Franklin’s “Queerbaiting, Queer Readings, and Heteronormative Viewing Practices” 

-- Guillaume Sirois’s “Hollywood Queerbaiting and the (In)Visibility of Same-Sex Desire

-- Christoferr Bagger’s “Multiversal Queerbaiting: Alan Scott, Alternate Universes, and Gay Characters in Superhero Comics” 

Fandom: Identities and Communities in a Mediated World 

About half the price of Queerbaiting and Fandom but significantly more broad in scope. 

My recommended articles from this book: 

-- Cornel Sandvoss’s The Death of the Reader? Literary Theory and the Study of Texts in Popular Culture 

-- Derek Johnson’s “Fantagonism: Factions, Institutions, Constitutive Hegemonies of Fandom” 

Sir Gawain and the Green Knight (Reading of epic poem recommended) 

-- David L. Boyd’s “Sodomy, Misogyny, and Displacement: Occluding Queer Desire in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight" (available on JSTOR; from Arthuriana published by Scriptorium Press) 

Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Gray (Reading the novel recommended) 

-- Jeff Nunokawa’s “Homosexual Desire and the Effacement of the Self in ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’” (available on JSTOR; Published by The Johns Hopkins University) 

-- Ed Cohen’s “Writing Gone Wilde: Homoerotic Desire in the Closet of Representation” (available on JSTOR; Published by Cambridge University Press) 

-- Sandra Mayer’s “‘A Complex Multiform Creature’: Ambiguity and Limitation Foreshadowed in the Early Critical Reception of Oscar Wilde” (available on JSTOR; Published in AAA: Arbeiten aus Anglistik und Amerikanistik) 

Tennessee Williams’s Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (Reading the short story [“Three Players of a Summer Game” and stage play and watching the film adaptation highly recommended) 

-- Dean Shackelford’s “The Truth That Must Be Told: Gay Subjectivity, Homophobia, and Social History in “‘Cat on a Hot Tin Roof’”. (A must-read, in my opinion. You see a lot of patterns that continue in our subtextual queer stories to this day, concerning since Williams’s play was written in the early 1950s. Available on JSTOR; published in The Tennessee Williams Annual Review) 

I hope these resources are helpful and interesting to you! Happy reading! 

[aemiron-main]

every day i become more and more convinced that brenner was pushing henry towards committing the massacre. there’s so many scenes where brenner not only sees but reacts to henry interacting with el, and yet he doesn’t do anything about it. and i have a ton more evidence for this too, but that’ll all be explained in the electrocution scene/skull fracture analysis that im trying to finish rn.

like. why keep henry employed in the lab with access to a keycard? why not just keep him locked away and isolated until he complied? because brenner likely tried that and it didn’t work- henry, unlike el, is not afraid of isolation, and is used to it. we see him sitting in the dark in the attic all the time. so, the isolation room tactic wouldn’t have worked on henry. it wouldn’t have made him kill the way that it made el kill. so, brenner needed to push him towards killing in a different way, needed to let henry think that he had a chance at escape, and he knew that henry would need to kill in the process. brenner likely didn’t anticipate two things though: a.) that el would send henry to superhell and b.) just how violent henry would become/the exact extent of how his absorption works (which is part of what lead to him becoming so extra-violent because the violence only ramps up after he’s killed and absorbed one of the guards)/that henry would blast the doors open and injure brenner and kill ten.

like. there’s no way brenner didn’t know about henry’s plot. he sees and hears him talking to el repeatedly, they give us a scene where they make sure that we know that the camera is picking up everything henry is saying.

brenner wanted henry to kill. just like how he wanted el to kill the cat in s1 & later praised her for killing the guards. i really think we’re going to get a similar scene of henry refusing to kill/brenner realizing he cant control henry/can’t force him to kill (likely realizing this, ironically, when henry tries to kill one specifically person- himself, bc im pretty certain we’re going to get a flashback to henry in the lab trying to commit suicide via his own powers and making his eyes bleed by squeezing his brain like what el did to the lab agents in the school in s1, in a parallel to victor’s bloody eyes) and then henry getting soteria’d after brenner realizes he cant control henry/after henry becomes a danger to himself.

this doesn’t excuse the massacre and im trying to finish the electrocution scene analysis with more explanation, so dont mistake this for baseless apologism. this is “brenner is the Worst” posting not “henry did nothing wrong ever and its all fine” posting.

[gabessquishytum]

just think!! just THINK!!!! hob standing behind the bar and chatting with patrons and handing out drinks while dream fucks him nice and deep and as slow as he wants. sometimes hob has to break off a conversation when dream pushes him down and fucks him hard for a minute, and then lets up so hob can give out the latest round of drinks his bartender has prepared. nearly all the yelp reviews for the new inn mention what a charming host the owner is and hob knows none of them remember properly but he still gets flustered as hell when he reads the reviews.

at the end of the night, after last call, hob gets put up on the bar properly, because where does an offering belong but on the altar? sometimes dream fucks him there. sometimes dream just lays him out, plugged full of come from the many times he's already been fucked that evening and lets him squirm. sometimes dream fucks him, one after another, with every bottle that's been emptied over the course of the night.

I am actually deceased I'm speaking to you now from horny superhell, where I have been banished to.

I'm thinking about Dream sprawled out like the king he is on one of the pub’s rickety old chairs, and he's half listening to some old tavern story to which he already knows the ending, but it's still an offering to him nonetheless. One of the bar staff pours him a new glass of wine like a libation, and when he drinks the electric lights flicker slightly. The pub is filled up to the brim with dreamers, and all of them are pouring forth their hopes and needs to Dream - they might as well be prayers at this point. They gather around him like disciples or supplicants, and he reaches into them to form the softness of their subconscious with their hands. They all go home and sleep heavily, and when they wake up they find their worlds altered, their troubles soothed, the path ahead of them so much clearer.

And at some point Hob returns from changing a barrel or mopping up a spillage. And he sits in Dream’s lap, drinking the wine that Dream holds to his lips. When it trickles down his chin, Dream licks it away. Hob keeps saying his name softly, softly, and each time he says it the magic grows a little stronger. Dream is fucking him slowly in that chair before his audience of adoring followers. None of them will ever remember the way Hob’s head falls back in a silent scream, the way his skin shimmers with sweat and the fabric of many dreams.

None of them will see, later, Hob spread over the bar top as Dream fucks him into the wood of his alter. Hob is still speaking his name over and over. He will never stop.

[lover-of-mine]

i’m always interested in your analyses of the blue-green thing! colour is such a cool way of expressing themes or parallels and when you look at it laid out with all the couples, it’s so clear and non coincidental lol

“up until 6b they were really careful with this particular implication of romantic undertones with buddie and that's out the window now” is this in reference to how they carefully set up buddie’s themes and storylines over 5 seasons and then fucked it up in just a few 6b episodes? 😅

because honestly that’s part of the reason why i don’t have much hope for canon in season 7, i feel like they’ve suddenly backtracked on their relationship for some reason and are gonna go all no homo and/or just ruin them completely

post about the blue and green thing

Okay, I'm gonna go conspiracy theorist here, and I may be giving the showrunners too much credit, but here's the thing, we know the threat of cancellation made them change things around during 6b, there's a very clear tone shift, they changed episode names, called actor back for reshoots, so they changed the way the season was supposed to go so it would work as a nice packaged little happy ending if they got cancelled. Personally, I believe that there is some higher plan with Buck and Eddie going on here, I think they are a slowburn that is still burning, and personally, that needs to burn a little bit more until they can have a relationship that would work (getting Buck back in therapy and letting them talk would be ideal) and if you wanna jump ship go for it, I don't blame you, this shit is frustrating. But the thing is, they are very careful about how characters are constructed, and Buck and Eddie exist as mirrors of each other, and they also mirror canon romantic couple, bathena being the most blatant one. And they make a point to make sure that if you look at it closely, you can pick up on some romantic undertone, most major buddie scenes have that feeling that leaves you wondering. And it's not like the show doesn't know how to write friendships, because they do, so... choices. But going back to season 6, it might just be me, but I don't want them to get together for the sake of them getting together, there's a lot of build-up surrounding them for me to be satisfied with "and they kissed roll credits" (i love you *falls to gay superhell*, oh he had complicated feelings over the jeep) so I don't think they fucked it up, I think they didn't have the time to playout what they wanted to do with buddie in the space they had in season 6 and voted against rushing it since there was a chance the show was going to get picked up by someone else. Because it is still very easy to write off both Natalia and Marisol and keep whatever plan they might have and if they didn't get picked up just shoving them together would be unsatisfying. (In the end, it was unsatisfying anyway because the way they wrote the season makes a real effort into painting Buck, Eddie, and Chris as a family unity, so most things that don't end with them acknowledging this are unsatisfying, but it's an easy fix because the show didn't end, so)

Because, in the end, they are purposely writing Buck and Eddie as mirrors of each other, and it goes down to the first death on the job for both of them being someone falling to their death. You have the first love that ran away from them and came back without giving them real closure, you have the rocky relationship with their parents, you have the relationship they were pushed into by other people (Eddie and Ana and Buck and Ali if that's not clear), you have the way that Shannon is introduced and the next episode Buck gets a girlfriend, Shannon dies? Next episode, byebye Ali, Eddie starts dating Ana? Next episode, let's bring Taylor back into the mix, Buck is dating Natalia? What a wonderful time to have Eddie decide he's ready to put himself out there. You have the late confirmation they are the same age. You have the way they both escaped home, the way they found themselves in firefighting. You have the pretty blunt parallels between the shooting and the lightning and the well and the lightning, you have Eddie's will and the way Eddie decided to hide it (because they could have Eddie talk to Buck before changing and I've seen this playout between friends in other shows, but the choice to hide it gives a different feeling), you have multiple confirmations that Buck sees Christopher as his own, you have Eddie being hurt being Buck's berzerker button. One or two things are an accident, this many? They're on purpose, and I chose to believe there is some bigger, longer plan in action here. Sometimes I feel like there's a large percentage of the fandom who doesn't understand the stakes behind a network slowburn. Even shows like castle or the mentalist, where you KNOW they are gonna end up together, took like? 6 seasons? of build-up for something to happen? And like, I want them together, but with everything we have around them, I want them together in the right way, and yes, I think the show is delaying them because the stakes keep getting higher so it's harder to make it work, but I do have faith they can make something good work, just look at everything about them from 6x10 to 6x13.

Also, that particular statement was just about the blue and green thing because I actually looked at every scene where they are together, and they are never in those colors except for those two scenes, and the choice of shades of blue and green is very on purpose to be on accident, you know what I mean? And Buck and Taylor have multiple blue and green scenes, to pick the shades from the shooting is insane really.

Everything is on purpose, but a tv show is not like a book or a movie where everything is gonna be contained, you need to let the story evolve and adapt to the circumstances in which is being aired, and personally, I think 6x16-6x18 are just a detour, some construction on sunset lol, I think they had a choice to keep the season the way it was supposed to go and risk leaving the show feeling unfinished or shift things around and just leave Buck and Eddie feeling unfinished and they went with the second option, because it had less consequences.

Season 7 could absolutely go just kidding, no homo, but the thing is, you have two characters whose storylines are deeply tangled together, you can just sit them down, have them talk, say "you're my brother, dude" and goodbye, they're platonic best buddies. But I also don't think they would draw such a hard line because us crazy buddie shippers keep watching the show in the hopes of seeing them in the same frame together, and I feel like a significant part of people could give up the show altogether if they make such a blunt statement. And the showrunners know that, keeping us in the will they won't they thing helps their numbers and we are a significant enough portion of the viewers to make a difference. The hope of buddie brings audience to the show so I wouldn't expect a no homo thing. Or any hard line between them really.

But what do I know? I'm just a girl with a blog and a hyperfixation lol

[greyias]

I wish you would write a fic where... Theron somehow amasses a following of actual, physical porn bots droids and shenanigans ensue

I saw this prompt come in and devolved into a fit of heinous cackling. How, oh how could I resist trying to render our collective Tumblr nightmare into fictional text form?

Context: While not required reading, this is technically a sequel to this stunning crackfic, authored so long ago. If you need a refresher on the Medical Droid Love Triangle Saga, follow this link. Or this one, which is the real villain origin story of this fic. Or don't, you're already cursed if you click beyond the read more of this post.

With special thanks to @grumpyhedgehog, @sandwyrm, @storyknitter, @kitsonpaws, and @andveryginger for providing me with ideas, cursed pornbot summaries, and many cursed HoloNet websites that should never exist. You are not required to read any of this.

Technically rated T, but in reality rated N for Nobody, because no one should have to read this. I'm packing my bags, as my ride to superhell just came. Enjoy.

It had started as such a normal day -- if you could indeed have called any day on Odessen “normal”. What with the galaxy always being at the brink of some disaster or another, and their merry little band of misfits being led by the galaxy’s most notorious do-gooder, Theron’s schedule and to-do list had a tendency to get derailed on almost a daily basis.

This, however, was not how that usually happened.

He’d paused, mid-step, finger still hovering over his datapad, mid-entry as the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end, slowly dawning horror washing over him. His head turned slowly, like one of those doomed characters in a horror holofilm to look at the droid he’d just passed.

It was one of the new ones that had come in on a recent shipment. So new in fact, that there was still a fleet of them in the middle of being unpacked in the Logistics Wing. Shining, tall and blue, its highly polished quadranium head pivoted to look back at him.

“What,” Theron swallowed, willing his voice to sound even and not give in to the creeping dread, “what did you say?”

“Theron Shan,” the droid repeated helpfully, “is a master lover.”

“Oh no.” The words slipped out of their own accord.

“Just a moment, sir,” the droid continued, seemingly oblivious to the human’s distress, “I’m not quite done with your evaluation yet. Let’s see, where were we?”

“No no no no.”

The round flattened dome that served as its head tilted to one side, beady orange eyes sweeping over Theron from head to toe, before resuming its cheery, if horrifying report. “Subject is an exemplary specimen. In good cardiovascular health, above average muscle tone. Tall, well-built, and very clean...”

“Um,” Theron stammered. “I’m...” Flattered? Taken? Leaving? Wait--yes, that last one. “Going now!”

He didn’t give the cursed machine any more time to continue ogling him, instead taking off down the hall at a very brisk walk that nearly bordered on a jog. His mind raced at he beat a hasty retreat, trying to understand what was happening. It had been over a year since the The Incident, dubbed by some as the “Sexy Spy Virus”, and others by much more crude names, where a little harmless reprogramming had taken on a life of its own. Theron had been meticulous in his coding of the antivirus, wanting to ensure that the entire debacle would be forgotten. There was simply no way that it could crop back in on its own.

“Theron,” the brisk accented tone of one Lana Beniko burst in over his comm, “why did a droid just feel the need to inform me that they found rust on its insides during its last tune-up?”

“I don’t know,” Theron insisted, but his words were almost drowned out by a metallic clanking echoing down the corridor.

He threw a look over his shoulder, and to his horror, saw that his robotic admirer had decided to give chase. 

“I’m going to have to call you back,” he quickly said into the comm as the droid picked up speed from a walk to an all out gallop.

“Theron,” she sounded both concerned and exasperated, which, considering Lana, was about par the course, “what’s going on?”

“Save me!” He shouted as he took off a dead sprint.

In his many years in the field, Theron had been threatened, sure. Shot at? Many times. He’d been drugged. Tortured. Stabbed through the gut with a lightsaber pike and lived to tell the tale. He’d run into Sith, Revanites, bounty hunters, thugs, fanatics and cultists alike. He’d been in more firefights than he could remember, and more covert ops than he cared to. He’d even been accused of being a traitor (although that was kind of the point at the time).

None of that compared right now to being chased down by a droid yelling at top volume claiming he was the best lover it had ever seen.

And this time, he was pretty sure it wasn’t actually his fault.

He rounded the corner from the corridor leading from the Logistics Wing, passing by the Commander’s (and at this point, his) Quarters. HK-55 and Z0-0M straightened to their full height at his arrival. Oh thank the Force, allies.

“Salutations: Agent Shan, you are looking quite spry today.”

“What?” he panted as he approached.

“Yes, Agent Shan, don’t believe what anyone else is saying!” Zeeyo exclaimed, throwing her arms into the air. “Your undercarriage doesn’t look rusty at all!”

Mind sharp as a tack, Theron realized the implications of this just in time, and dodged to the side, ducking and rolling as the assassin-turned-bodyguard droid lunged forward to trap him in a bear hug. Not pausing to even catch his breath, as soon as his feet hit the ground he propelled himself forward and further down the hall.

“Frustration: I only wish to profess my admiration for you, Agent Shan!”

“Nope nope nope nope!” Desperation was starting to tinge the edges of his words now.

The metallic clanking intensified as more droids behind him joined in the chase, all of their vocabulators joining in unison to tell him in one way, or another, that he was in fact, the pinnacle of sexual prowess.

Theron couldn’t run forever, despite whatever their programming was forcing them to say, his stamina would give out before the lustftul droids’ power supplies. As the corridor zigged and twisted, he saw an opening in the form of a door sliding open. Without hesitation he dove in, shoving the individual there, thankfully made of flesh and bone, aside as he slammed the door controls.

The door slid securely shut just as the thunderous clanking filled the corridor beyond, their lustful words of appreciation and encouragement nearly drowned out by the racket. Theron hadn’t bothered to look or count, but he was pretty sure that the number had risen from three in the scant moments it had taken Theron to dart from one corridor to the next.

He held up a hand to his lips as he turned to thank the person who had unwittingly provided his temporary salvation. The words of gratitude died on his lips, as he realized exactly who’s room he had sought refuge in.

For a moment, Theron truly considered surrendering himself to the lusty droid mob.

Draike Highwind’s face was caught somewhere between confusion and amusement, but the latter was winning out as he started to decipher individual phrases drifting in from the corridor. A dark brow arched higher, lips twitching with undisguised mirth as the stupid blue droid that had started this whole mess yelled once again about Theron being a master lover.

More seconds passed, the ruckus quieting down, before silence descended once more, and it was finally safe to speak.

“So,” Draike drew out the word, somehow lacing it with more innuendo than all of the malfunctioning droids combined, “what ya been doing, Shan?”

“Nothing!” he insisted, voice still hushed just in case one of the droids could somehow hear.

“Doesn’t sound like nothing.” His brother-in-law’s smirk widened into an almost feral grin, eyebrows waggling. “Sounds like you’ve been getting... busy.”

One of the greatest mysteries in the galaxy was how one man could make anything sound that dirty. “I was minding my own business!”

“Oh, I bet you were.”

“You’re having way too much fun with this.”

“I mean...” If looks could kill, the pilot would have melted on the spot. Unfortunately for Theron, Draike was apparently immune to that sort of thing. “How often do I get the chance?”

“Did you do this?”

“Me?” Draike let out a sharp bark of laughter. “Stars, I wish I could have thought of something this good! These are memories I will cherish forever.”

Theron massaged the bridge of his nose. “I hate my life.”

“I mean, I’m not really into droids,” Draike went on, either not knowing (or more likely caring) about his brother-in-law’s predicament, “flesh is more my kind of thing. But you know, if you and the little lady need to spice things up by bringing in a little metal--”

“Please stop. I’m begging you!”

“Begging, eh? So you’re saying you’re more into--“

“Forget it, I’m taking my chances with the sex-crazed machines roaming the halls.” His palm hovered over the door sensors.

“Theron, wait!” There was enough urgency in Draike’s voice to give him pause. “It’s dangerous out there, take this.”

At first, he was honestly afraid to look, expecting to be offered something like a condom or some other bad joke, but was surprised to see the other man holding out a stealth generator.

“To escape your fans.”

“That’s actually not a bad idea.”

“I know. I’m a genius.”

“I didn’t say that.” He quickly nabbed the stealth generator before Draike could change his mind and frowned at the initials carved in the side in Aurabesh. “Is this even yours?”

“Eh, close enough.”

Whatever, beggars couldn’t be choosers. Theron would deal with those potential repercussions later.  He flicked on the power to the stealth generator which let out a low, almost inaudible hum as a burst of life engulfed his form. He closed his eyes against the sudden burst of brightness, and when he opened them again, dark spots of the light pattern danced in his vision for a few seconds. He blinked a few more times before they faded away.

He waved an arm experimentally in front of his face, and only felt the slight movement of air. Draike didn’t seem to react at all, and that was probably good enough.

“Thanks,” he said, palming the sensor to the door.

Draike rolled his eyes and ambled out into the corridor, looking around with the air of a man all too used to hiding from those looking for him. Theron watched as he raised a hand to a very slowly moving GNK power droid.

“How’s it hanging?”

“GONK!” 

“Oh yeah? You don’t say! I think I saw him head that way.” Draike pointed in the direction leading to cantina. “Just between you and me, I heard he’s sweet on that droid who’s a comfort enthusiast.”

“GONK! GONK! GONK!”

Still hidden underneath the stealth field, Theron had to bite down the urge to make any noise of frustration and just turned an invisible, irritated gaze at the other man’s back. As if sensing Theron’s irritation, Draike just grinned wider.

“Yeah, you know how those spy types are. Always toying with droids’ hearts. You could do better than him.”

“GONK!”

“Oh, you spicy droid! Yeah, trundle off that way, big guy. I’m sure you’ll catch him!”

With a loud clanking, the GNK droid began his slow and steady journey towards the cantina. As the echoes finally faded, Draike casually stretched, pointing towards the direction of the War Room.

Theron skulked on by, but not before giving his brother-in-law a well deserved whop upside the head. The stealth field flickered momentarily on the physical contact before shimmering back into place.

“It’d serve you right to get caught by doing that,” Draike sniffed indignantly, “after all I’ve done to help you.”

“When all of this is over--”

“Hush now,” Draike waved at the air in front of him. “You have bigger problems to deal with. Meanwhile, I will be heading to the cantina. And definitely won’t be live-streaming any brawls breaking out over the Master Lover breaking droid hearts everywhere.”

Theron snorted out an annoyed breath, and checked his urge to trip Draike as he sauntered off, hands jammed into his pockets as he whistled a jaunty tune. Like the purloined stealth generator, he’d have to worry about slicing and corrupting any servers containing evidence of this mess after he figured out how to stop whatever this was from spreading any further.

The upside to this whole unfortunate side encounter, was that the stealth generator made it possible for him to quietly creep around any droids he passed in the corridor. Most seemed to be making a hasty exit for the cantina, almost as if word had spread of Drake’s false rumor about his and C2-N2’s torrid love affair and every heartbroken circuit was flocking in that direction now.

And when he thought about it like that, when exactly had this become his life? Oh, right. Like fifteen minutes ago. Or however long this nightmare had started. Time had sort of lost meaning, if he were being honest.

He managed to make it to the war room, undetected and unmolested, and quietly snuck his way towards the irritable blonde Sith, holding her head in her hands as if she were battling the world’s strongest migraine. As Theron approached the Sith, he could hear her muttering under her breath in frustration. He hesitated for a moment before clearing his throat, causing her to jerk her head up in surprise.

“Who’s there?”

“Quiet,” Theron hissed. “They might hear you.”

“Oh, for Sith’s sake,” she exhaled, “where in the blazes have you been?”

“Hiding,” he whispered urgently. “These droids have all gone haywire!”

“And who’s fault is that, I wonder.”

“Not me,” he insisted, “not this time!”

“Right,” she said sardonically, “and I suppose that’s why there isn’t a reality holoseries entitled ‘Programmed for Love’ currently being live-streamed in the cantina for the entire HoloNet to see.”

“Damn it, Draike!” Theron cursed. “I thought he was joking about that.”

“Of course. How did I not see that coming?” she muttered.

“I’ll slice in and scrub all of the servers after we figure out this... this... whatever this is?”

“Your insecurities laid bare in binary?” she suggested, oh so helpfully.

“Why did I come to you for help again?”

“Because--”

It was at that point, that a probe droid, currently speeding its way towards the cantina, happened to take notice of Lana talking to thin air, and veered off its intended trajectory, heading straight for Theron’s position near the back of the war room. If the loud alarms and flashing lights were any indication, it had been able to see through his stealth generator.

Wait... those weren’t alarm proximities it was flashing. As Theron watched its rapid approach, he couldn’t help but stare at it in dumb fascination, brow furrowing as he tried to make out the images it was projecting. If he didn’t know better, he’d almost say it was a bizarre mixture of Aurabesh and hologlyphs.

He squinted, just able to make out: “DX-98 🤖🔥 Analytical  Scanner 💋🙏 Okara Droid Factory 🔍🌌💕 Exobiology Research 🥵🍑 Top HoloFans 0.7%!”

Before he had a chance to process any of that, the droid was already upon him, pincher arms spreading wide to snap him up for some purpose far beyond its original programming. He only had milliseconds to react before the droid reached him, when an explosive force sent the droid flying backwards harmlessly, and had Theron landing ungracefully on his tailbone. The stealth field fizzled out with a pop on his impact with the ground.

A familiar figure landed between him and the droid, twin blue scarves billowing behind her dramatically, blonde ponytail swaying with the motion of her movement. A small frown of concentration bunched her forehead as his wife threw a concerned look in his direction.

“You requested rescue?” Grey asked.

“Ah, my knight in shining armor has arrived,” he quipped back.

“I am not wearing my armor.” The frown of concentration morphed into one of confusion.

“I--never mind.” He pushed himself to his feet, dusting off his hands. “Thank you for the timely intervention.”

She graced him with a hint of a smile and a bob of her head in acknowledgment. “Any time.”

“As touching as all of this is,” Lana broke in sourly, “it still doesn’t solve our larger problem.”

“Yeah,” Theron rubbed the back of his neck, “you’re not wrong. It sounds like this has spread across the entire base?”

“It appears that way,” Lana said tightly. “You know, you assured me that all of this had been taken care of the last time we dealt with this issue.”

“Hey now,” he bit back, “I’m a man of my word!”

She snorted at that. “Tell that to the Umbaran Transit Authority.”

“How are you still mad about that?”

“You tazed me!”

“Focus,” Grey said, eyeing the stunned probe droid warily. “If memory serves me correct, you had a program you deployed to revert the programming of the droids the last time this happened.”

“Yes, that’s what doesn’t make sense.” He watched as the holoprojectors on the downed probe droid flickered, hologlyphs flashing rapidly in the War Room’s dim light. “I programmed it to eliminate all trace of the offending code. The only way it could be reappearing now is if someone took one of the infected droids offline before I deployed...”

Lana arrived at the same conclusion right about the time that Theron did, picking up the thought. “I seem to recall a certain someone requesting you replicate your work for less-than-legal purposes.”

Theron angrily punched the button on his comm as he growled, “Gault!”

The Devaronian’s voice came back immediately, almost a little too suave. “Theron! What a surprise to hear your dulcet tones requesting my presence.”

“Gault,” Lana managed to keep some measure of calm, “are you responsible for this current situation?”

“What situation is that?” he asked far too innocently, even as a distant call of a droid’s clanking nearly drowned out it’s loud declaration of the presence of rust on one Theron Shan’s “bolt”. There was a moment of silence before he continued. “Oh! You mean the lustful droids currently running amok on the base?”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page,” Lana said dryly. “My original question stands.”

“I am shocked, shocked and scandalized that my name would be the first to come to mind! Might I remind you, it was one Miss Djannis who requested you create her a Shan Sexbot.”

“Yeah,” Kaliyo jumped in on the comms, clearly annoyed, the sound of metallic brawling nearly drowning out her voice, “I wanted it for hilarious crimes! Not whatever the fuck this is!”

“Gault,” a third voice, Hylo Visz, cut in. From the background noise, it seemed she was in the same location as Kaliyo. “I swear, if you don’t help us figure out how to stop this, when you’re not looking I’ll cut off your--”

“Okay, okay, geez!” He interrupted before his significant other could finish whatever that threat was. “Fine, it was me! I deactivated a droid before Theron uploaded his program.”

“Of course.” Lana rolled her eyes upwards, as if asking the Force for patience.

“In my defense,” Gault continued, “originally it was just to shut the stupid thing up! But then Kaliyo came up with that brilliant idea for the Shan Sexbot Distraction, and I thought, why not hold on to this beauty in case it came in handy for a con?”

The sound of Theron smacking his forehead in frustration echoed throughout the War Room.

“So you know, just had a fun idea come to me the other day, so I extracted the original programming and altered a few things, and tried to put it into a new droid for my plan.”

“Did that droid happen to be a blue medical monstrosity?” Theron was actively massaging his temples at this point.

“I will have you know,” Gault said, “that BL-U3 is a consummate professional. You would be lucky to have him perform a medical exam on you!”

“Yeah, that was definitely his intent,” Theron shot back. “Purely professional and not lecherous at all! Which was not in any of my code.”

“Hey, I never claimed to be very talented when it came to software programming. I may have made a mistake or two when altering your code.”

“May have?!”

“How was I supposed to know that the remnants of the Gemini Frequency code in our systems was going to work after the entire Eternal Fleet had gone offline and deploy your software STD to the entire network? Sue me!”

“I’m considering it!”

Before the mostly pointless argument could escalate any further, the sounds of metallic clanking from above, roughly from the location of the cantina, began to grow closer, the cacophony increasing in volume, until it sounded like it was coming in all directions.

“That is not a good sign,” Grey’s mutter was nearly lost to the noise.

“Hey,” Drake’s annoyed voice cut in over the comm, “my livestream is now officially ruined! I hope you’re all happy!”

“I’m afraid to even ask why,” Theron said.

“Oh, it seems all of my extremely eligible and single contestants heard your voice over the comms and abandoned challenging Seetoo Enntoo to unarmed droid combat for the right to court you, and are now all headed in your direction.”

“Oops.”

“Worry not Agent Shan,” the unusually warbly vocabulator of C2-N2 came over the comms, “I will not rest until I alone can provide you with the ultimate in comfort!”

“We should probably get a different housekeeping droid after this is all over,” he told his wife.

That seemed a lesser concern to Grey, as she had shifted into Alliance Commander mode, and was currently on the comms, shouting for every available member of the Force Enclave to get to the War Room as fast as possible to help hold off the incoming army of lustful droids.

Yeah, come to think of it, that was probably more important.

“We must use nonlethal force,” she stressed, giving a particularly severe look to Lana when she said that, getting a simple nonplussed shrug in return, “as we only need to hold the droids at bay until we can come up with a solution. They are not to blame for what’s happening.”

Theron begged to differ, but she was probably right in this case. The cost of repairing or replacing an entire base full of droids would be astronomical.

As Force users began to stream in and take up position around the room, the sound of wheels racing along the metal plating caught Theron's attention, and he looked over to see a familiar silver T7-series astromech racing into the room. He tensed up instinctively at the sight of a droid, as anyone would have in his situation.

“Teeseven!” Grey called out with a smile, clearly not as wary or droidshy.

The little astromech let out a friendly whistle and series of chirps in binary, that roughly translated to: “T7-01 = Safe! // Been off network entire morning!”

“Oh, what a relief,” she breathed, “I would have hated for you to be infected with this too!”

He let out another series of beeps: “T7-01 = still in possession of original antivirus code. // Can tweak it and upload to servers = Save the day?”

“I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” Theron muttered.

“T7 = not scared!”

Grey’s expression melted into one of admiration and pride. “Teeseven, that’s incredibly brave -- but are you sure? Theron’s right, it could be very dangerous.”

“T7 = Jedi + Theron’s friend. // Helping > Risk!”

She looked at him and he returned the gaze with a small nod, realizing there wasn’t much in the way of choice. It was either that or let the droids overrun them. And then whatever happened when one of them actually got their hands on on Theron -- a prospect he wasn’t really that thrilled to explore right now.

“Fine,” he said tersely, “let’s do this!”

The two of them rushed over to the center console in the room, Theron pulling out his slicer spike as Teeseven plugged his scomplink arm into the main network terminal. The rest of their reinforcements from the Force Enclave arrived just in time and formed a ring around the two slicers. They managed to erect a large Force barrier just as the metallic clanging and clatter grew to a roar, announcing the arrival of the lecherous horde.

Near the front of the mob, Z0-0M threw up her arms in glee and excitement as she jumped to try and catch sight of her beloved. “There you are Agent Shan! You left before we could finish our conversation -- you were saying something about oxidation?”

“Interjection: Do not listen to this hussy, Theron! You and I will make sweet explosions together!”

Theron valiantly tuned them out as he took in a feed of the original antivirus code that Teeseven shared with him. Yes, this all looked correct. Unfortunately, he was going to need get a look to see how Gault had mutilated his beautiful original coding to know how to alter it.

Teeseven was two steps ahead of him, and a stream of code flashed across the HUD in his ocular implants. He watched in horror as he saw the butchery with his own two eyes.

“Gault, where the hell did you get this code?” he asked over the comms incredulously. “HornHub?”

“Excuse you, I only frequent the classiest places on the galactic communications grid, like HoloHump!” The growl of Gault’s name from a very angry Mirialan smuggler had him quickly adding. “You know, I’m just going to shut up and let you concentrate on what you’re doing.”

Teeseven, ever the valiant worker, ignored the conversation completely, and was hard at work running diagnostics on the altered code and the best way to modify the antivirus to address it. Theron watched the stream of letters and numbers fly across the HUD at lightning speed.

The little guy was good at what he did. He let out a flurry of beeps and whistles as almost the last piece of this very lurid puzzle started to fall into place. The little droid seemed to almost be singing along with the code as he wrote it, like a mechanical maestro conducting an orchestra. They were close, so close and--

The next whistle Teeseven let out was not his normal, cheerful way of communication, much lower in timbre and more seductive.

No.

Teeseven whirled his flat head around until his visual sensor faced Theron, and let out another wolf whistle, his holoprojector lighting up to proudly display: T7-01 🤖👀🔍 Observant 👁️🔭 Scanner 🔍🏞️ Tython 🌄👏 215 🍒♎ Repairing 👅🙈 Top HoloFans 3.6%

“What was that?” Grey shouted to be heard over the droids catcalling.

“No no no no,” Theron muttered, “we’re so close! Don’t do this to me, little buddy!”

“What happened to my precious baby boy?” Grey demanded, sweat trickling down the side of her face as she struggled to maintain the Force barrier.

Beyond the barrier, the rest of the porndroid army followed suit with Teeseven, all either wildly projecting their own series of hologlyphs and random facts about themselves and their planets of origins, while others struck disturbingly seductive poses, and a scant few demanded that “ShanDaddy” start a holocall with them in private.

With no time and no recourse left, Theron dove back into the system, yanking Teeseven’s unfinished code as he was nearly overwhelmed with lewd images and thirsty hologlyphs, struggling to finish and upload the code as the volume in the War Room rose to a crescendo just as the Force users’ began to fall, one after the other, their barrier weakening by the moment.

The overwhelming cacophony of hologlyphs, lewd poses, and robotic come-ons that had filled the War Room suddenly disappeared. All eyes turned to the droids as almost in unison, as they all powered down—a sign that their malware had been neutralized. Theron slumped back in relief, his work finally done.

Grey, Lana, and the others let out a long sigh of relief, the tension leaving their bodies in a rush.

“Thank the Force,” Grey murmured, sinking down to the ground. “I do not think I could have held that barrier much longer.”

Theron nodded, feeling a similar sense of exhaustion. He leaned back against the console, closing his eyes but was unable to banish the mentally scarring series of images that were probably permanently burned into his retinas.

“Remind me,” he said faintly, “to obliterate HoloHump’s servers. Once I’m done murdering Gault.”

“You act as if there will be anything left after I find him,” Lana said darkly.

“Remember everyone,” Grey spoke in her best and most official Alliance Commander voice, “murder is bad and frowned upon in the Official Alliance Employee Handbook.”

“Query: Why are we all in the War Room?” HK-55 asked as he came back online. “And more importantly, why is that blue meddroid manipulating its medical instruments into a heart shape, as if expressing affection towards the Commander?”

[coquelicoq]

raksura for the ask meme?

YAY

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most) moon was designed in a lab to appeal to me personally, so. it's about the trust issues!

scrunkly (my "baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped) the sky copper clutch!! traumatized children imprinting on a guy with baby fever is usually what i go to fanfic for so to have it right there in canon? incredible. i love all of frost's little tantrums and idk, just the way that she claims moon as her family in a way that has nothing to do with court politics? she's like, we're your clutch, obviously. and this is our court because it's your court, and all the other jabronis who live here are on thin ice. she's ready to throw down with moon's wife/the government at all hours of the day and she's like six years old. i love that moon has that energy in his life even though he personally is pretty confused and exhausted by it lol.

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave) it's hard out here for an ember stan because he is in so few scenes relative to the space he occupies in my psyche! i need 5000% more interactions between him and moon. him and stone. him and shade. him and river. him and the teachers. him and the clutches. him and jade and balm and chime. oh my god him and malachite? him and celadon? him and delin??

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week) niran. i'm always up for a "longsuffering ship captain resigns himself to another restless night of hearing gigantic shapeshifters with incredible stamina fuck nasty on the roof of his cabin" moment. technically i have never been in that exact situation, but i feel like i can relate.

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave) river who is CLASSIC poor little meow meow territory like yes his whole personality is being a grade A asshole and sure he tries to kill my blorbo a few times, but once you get to know him he's so sad and pathetic that i'm kind of like okay where can i sign up to defend him from the largely factual aspersions of his dozens of quite frankly justified haters? he'd hate that. the good shit 👌

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason) stone. every time he crankily says "why did i ever reproduce" upon finding himself entangled in yet another ridiculous clusterfuck thanks to one of his hundreds of idiot great-great-great-great-great grandchildren, an angel gets its wings. he's depressed and antisocial but he can't totally check out because he has to mediate relationship issues between his dumbass relatives. love that for him.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell) malachite but specifically because malachite would not be scared of superhell. she'd skulk around being invisible, maybe fuck some shit up if she felt like it, and leave when she got bored. she probably makes it like. opal night's sister city or something. and nobody in the court is at all phased. yeah that's our reigning queen who recently got back from vacation in superhell. she does that. she says it's relaxing.