#OH I’M LIKE THE CRYPT KEEPER

[skyhawkstragedy]

does this make Cory the first HG to be born AFTER BBUS premiered?

[buckdefencesquad]

Updated my age in my bio

[emmg]

Imagine for a second everyone ends up happy and Lavellan and Solas get back together. Cue Dorian popping a blood vessel.

Dorian: “You’re back with this fuck?"

Lavellan, flustered: "I can explain—"

Dorian: "With this living omelette?"

Lavellan: "It's not—"

Dorian: "This balding crypt keeper with the emotional range of a brick wall and a wardrobe that makes him look like a discount drapery store threw up on him? The same one who poofed away after saying some cryptic shit about I WiSh iT CoUlD vHenAn?"

Solas: “The mark would have—"

Dorian: "Shut the fuck up, cue ball. I don't care if the mark was going to explode, you still look like you wash your clothes in your own self-pity. And you—" jabs a finger at Lavellan, "what’s your excuse? Has it really been so long that the sight of a naked skull and endless 'mystical' speeches turned you on again?"

Lavellan: “It’s more than that—"

Dorian: "More than that?! He abandoned you, took your fucking arm, and now you’re letting him back in your bed? Are you out of your mind or just starved for terrible decisions? You could’ve had anyone. But no, you pick the fade's worst motivational speaker.”

Solas: “Master Pavus, this is between—”

Dorian: “Oh no, don’t even try that ‘Master Pavus’ nonsense with me. You’ve got the emotional depth of a wet mop and a sex appeal that makes a mud pit look enticing. And yet here you are, again, trying to guilt-trip your way back into her pants with your world-saving speeches. What is it, Solas? You gonna whisper sweet nothings about 'the averted apocalypse' this time? Maybe throw in a lecture on why she was just not woke enough to understand your big, tragic plan but it's fine since everything worked out?"

Rook and Emmrich in their happy, non toxic relationship: :0

Solas: "Dorian—"

Dorian: "No, no, shut the fuck up. Seriously, what do you even do that’s remotely appealing? What did you do for the past ten years? Did you just sit there, staring at a wall, philosophizing about how it’s not 'connected to the Fade' while Lavellan was over there, not that far, mind you, actually trying to live her life?"

Lavellan, miserably: “Dorian, please—"

Dorian: "Do you know how many tears she cried over your wrinkly, bald ass? The sleepless nights? And for what? So you could show up with the same damn sad expression, like a dog that got kicked, expecting her to fall right back into your arms? Well, congratulations, you manipulative little twat, it worked. You got her again. But if you think for one second I’m going to sit here and let this farce play out without letting you know exactly what I think—"

Solas: “This is not your concern—"

Dorian, grinning viciously: "Not my concern? Oh, it’s my concern now, you ancient, egg-headed disaster. You took her arm, and now, what? You’re back for the other one too? What’s next? Gonna steal her dignity too? No, wait—" He flips both of them off. "You already did that. Honestly, Lavellan, were you that desperate? Did your standards drop so low that this walking mid-life crisis seemed like a good idea AGAIN?"

Lavellan, trying to hide: "I just thought—"

Dorian: "No, no, you didn't think. You never think when it comes to this pointy-eared monk reject. You just let him walk all over you with his cryptic, brooding bullshit and now here we are—again. Tell me, Lavellan, how many bad life choices does it take before you finally learn not to open your legs to misery?"

Lavellan: “Dorian—”

Dorian, rounding on Solas: "You’ve got some nerve coming back, Solas. You with your ‘oh woe is me, I didn't fix the world so I'll ruin this woman's life instead again’ schtick. And for what? What do you even have to offer besides a fucking headache and a masterclass in celibacy?”

[tiktaalic]

I’m 25. I know I’m FAR. from being the crypt keeper. But my sister. 3 years younger than. Me. Every time she texts me like oh I’m going to a concert! I’m like oh cool who is it? Do I know them? And she’s like ummmmmm maybe? It’s bingo and plop? And toy gator is opening. And I’m like. I am seventy thousand years old

[puritanpansies]

me when the café has a ’90s throwback playlist on: having fun, smiling, vibing to songs that were before my time but still have an appreciative cultural nostalgia to them for someone born in 1994

me when the café has a 2000s throwback playlist on: beholding the void, existential despair, jamie lee curtis in freaky friday screaming “oh my god i’m like the crypt keeper!”

[vacantgodling]

6 for Hya, 7 for Amon, and also a song for a Kiss and a Song for a Kill pls 😈😈😈😈

grazi 😎

6. A sexy song (interpret how you will)

(1) the sound is sexy and sensual (2) the lyrics are so fucking horny like taems beloved has been Worked Up LMAO. (2.5) specifically the chorus is both me @ hya but also amon @ hya

When I’m in front of you, I get thirsty, yeah
My whole body trembles, my breath gets hot
I’m too thirsty to just look at you
Thirsty oh yeah, so thirsty
I can’t hold back, not in the slightest
You make me thirsty

7. A song for a scary scene

this is so cliche BUT specifically this for relating to the scene where amon and knox fight through a hoard of half human half machines in a collapsing, booby trapped crypt (dude this sounds so crazy out of context LMAO yeah paramour gets fucking WILD—)

11. A song for a ki_ _ (kill or kiss, specify)

a kiss:

sorry i’ve been crazy about this song lately However imaging hya and amon fuck to it is HhNHnnNN 🤪🥵

a kill:

thinking specifically about hya and amon plotting on how to “dispose of” the keeper 🤔

[boombambaby]

Drabble; Misty the Llama

He’s fairly certain that his heart is going to beat right out of his chest if he doesn’t get to stop soon. Kuzco can’t remember a time in his life he’s ever been on his feet for so long at one time, let alone run an actual marathon through the jungle while being chased by a crypt keeper and her loyal goon. 

The humidity is nearly enough to suffocate him, surrounding him like a blanket and weighing his already heavy, matted fur down that much more. He’s panting heavily, his mouth hanging open like an overheated dog as he follows Pacha up hill after hill to his little village, doing his best to ignore the intimidating sight of the stairs looming ahead of him. “Well, how would you describe her?” “Oh; scary beyond all reason!” “Yeah, that’s it!”

If Yzma and Kronk have already made it to the village, they know he’s still alive and they know that Pacha is helping him. Which means that Pacha’s family is in danger– and it’s all because of him. 

Feelings are still new to him, a completely foreign concept; especially these unfamiliar feelings of guilt and responsibility. The idea that he could be responsible for something bad happening to Pacha’s family— the only person in the entire Empire who actually seems to care about him as a person— weighs heavily on his mind in a way nothing else ever has before. “Okay, listen up– ” Pacha calls out, huffing as he navigates the last set of steps leading up the hill towards his hut. “When we get there, you head around to the back of the hut and wait for me outside, but make sure you stay out of view. I’ll try to get Chicha’s attention and let her know what’s going on.” Kuzco can only nod in reply, too busy trying to keep his breathing under control to respond with real words. Yzma and Kronk never got a good look at him in that diner, lucky for them. Despite his odd red coloring, there’s no doubt in his mind he’ll be able to hide out in the pen with the rest of Pacha’s llamas if worse comes to worse.

As the hut finally comes into view, he and Pacha split up with Kuzco heading towards the back of the hut and the llama pen. There are a few of them milling about, lazily chewing on grass and they lift their heads to look up at him as he slows his approach to a relaxed canter instead of a full on run. “Hey, guys. Room for one more?” Kuzco pants, flashing them a grin as he stops beside a taller tan female llama with little bands around the base of her ears. The female llama seems to take an interest in him almost immediately, leaning her head closer and giving him a llamas approximation of a once over that makes his ears flatten against his head in discomfort. “. . .What are you looking at?” If he remembers correctly, this was the llama he saw when he first woke up inside that sack– the one who screamed and ran away from him in his panicked state. What was her name. . . 

Misty! That’s it, her name is Misty.

Misty trots around him in a slow circle, seemingly sizing him up and outright ignoring the suspicious look he gives her. A noise from the house draws his attention to the window, his ears perking once more as he tries to figure out what it was. Misty takes that as her opportunity to lean in to his lower back, stepping in until she’s leaning against his side and giving his hair a long, pointed sniff. She apparently likes what she smells, because she doesn’t move away from him then– lifting her head even further to nibble playfully at his ear with her front teeth. “Gah! What are– HEY! No touchy!” Kuzco screeches, fighting to keep his voice low as he jumps back and away from the nosey llama with a glare. If it’s possible for a llama to look love struck— this must be what it looks like, and his eyes widen as the realization of why she is sizing him up finally dawns on him. Kuzco laughs, a nervous chuckle more than anything, and takes a few steps back towards the other llamas watching with disinterested stares from further down the hill. “A hah. . . look. I’m sure you’ve got a great personality– “ Misty follows him, taking a step forward for each of the steps he takes backwards, not stopping even as he nearly trips over a rock, and just barely manages to catch himself from stumbling down the hill in time. “ – You know I’m not REALLY a llama, right?” He notices Pacha moving out of the corner of his eye and whips his head around to watch him, relieved. He must have caught Chicha’s attention. The sooner they can get a move on ahead of Yzma and Kronk the better, and that thought alone makes him anxious to find out what’s going on, and when they can leave. Before he realizes what’s happening, Misty is back– this time, with her ears set back and a clicking sound coming from her mouth. Instinctually (because apparently he’s attuned to that sort of thing now, as a llama), Kuzco sets his own ears back in defense and takes another step back, his eyes wide at the obvious signs of interest. A soft gurgling sound comes from her next and he blanches, his tail whipping behind him as he emits his own low humming noise in response. “Eh heh– okay, look— Misty. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. . . .” He’s backed into the corner of the pen now and with her closing in on him, he stands up on his haunches with his hands out to try and act as human as possible as his last act of defense. “It’s not me, it’s you! Really. I’m just. . . not ready for this type of commitment right now!” Pacha slips into the back of the house, and Kuczo takes his chance; gasping and throwing an arm out to point at a spot behind Misty. “DEMON LLAMA!” Misty takes the bait, her eyes widening as she whips her head around and he takes off past her and up the hill as fast as his four legs will carry him. “—So we have to get back to the palace, find the lab and change him back!” Kuczo, relieved to be away from that creepy, flirty llama, doesn’t think twice to lift his head up into view of the window to announce himself when he comes in on the tail end of Pacha’s explanation. 

Pacha has more than likely already put in a good word for him, and women love him! Pacha’s wife will be thrilled to meet the Emperor, live and in the. . . fur. “Hi there!”

The next thing he knows? Complete and total darkness.

Kuzco regains consciousness slowly, his head feeling a lot like it’s been split open and with stars in the shape of . . . llamas? Dancing in front of his eyes. There’s a soft, wet feeling of something sliding against his ear that doesn’t feel horrible, just a little bit out of place, and his nose twitches in response to the foreign sensation. As he takes a moment to take stock of himself, trying to remember where he is and what’s going on–  Misty dips her head into his line of sight and licks a long, wet stripe against the side of his snout with a playful ‘‘mewl’. He nearly jumps out of his fur as he scrambles backwards in his haste to get away from her, and backs himself right in to the wall of Pacha’s hut in the process. “Ahh! Where’d you come from?! I thought I lost you at the pen! Go away!” Pacha chooses that moment to come out, and he casts the two of them a confused look before turning to grab some supplies from a chest situated in the far corner. “Stop flirting, you two. We’ve got to get a move on! Chicha and the kids are keeping them busy for now.”

Kuzco flashes misty a dark look as he stands on shaky legs, the dizziness coming back to him full force and causing him to stumble. He groans and holds his head, walking himself unsteadily over to Pacha and his wife who are still saying their goodbyes. “You have a lovely wife.” He slurs, trying and failing to shake the pounding in his head away so he can focus on the one— no, two? figures in front of him.

“They’re both very pretty.”

As Pacha drags him off down the hillside, he misses the sad look Misty casts the two of them as they run, her ears falling and a sad hum leaving her at the loss of a potential mate. Maybe next time.

[pirateshelby]

At least it’s storming the night they make her walk the plank.

It’s a silly thought, really: if anything, the storm only makes being thrown overboard more dangerous, makes it easier to be sucked beneath the waves and drown. The winds wail so loud that Shelby can barely hear her crewmates’ jeers and final words above them, blow so hard she thinks for a moment they’ll tip her over the edge prematurely. But despite the chaos and the terror, Shelby comes to appreciate the storm’s presence. Storms, after all, are great at hiding things, like the way her voice shakes when she addresses her (former) crew, or the tears that track down her cheeks beneath the lancing rain.

And when she survives the fall, survives the currents and the saltwater in her lungs, and washes ashore on a sandy strip of shore, clothes torn and ruined and hair tousled and caked in sand, she realises that there’s something else the storm can hide: her ruined reputation.

You see, there’s a special kind of dishonour to being a disgraced pirate captain. It’s a dangerous mantle to carry. If people knew Shelby’s crew had mutinied against her? Well, it would be a disaster! So there’s really only one thing she can do: deny it had ever happened.

Her ship had simply wrecked, is all, caught in a storm. Her crewmates are lost at sea and she is ever so worried about them. That’s why she’s building this pirate cove, you see—in hopes that one day she’ll find them, and they’ll have a safe place to live. Yes. Definitely. She’s not hiding anything! Why would she be hiding something?

“I’m a fearsome pirate,” she tells the witch down the way. “People from all over are scared of me!” 

“Oh, yeah, I got lost in a storm,” she tells the pretty sun princess. “I nearly drowned! I’m okay now though. And I’m really worried about my crew and all, but hey—I met you! I wouldn’t have met you if not for the storm!”

“Mmhm, it was my nemesis, Captain Skeletron,” Shelby tells the lorekeeper in her crypt. “I lost our epic battle, but don’t worry! I’ll be back. I won’t let him win. I’ll rescue my crew from his terrible wrath!”

“Oh, yeah, I’ve done lots of piratey things! Like steal. And plunder. But don’t worry, I won’t steal and plunder from you!” Shelby crosses her fingers behind her back and smiles at the Keeper of Sanctuary. “We’re neighbours! I’d never.”

“Everything’s going to be fine,” Shelby whispers to herself, standing on the shores of the Eversea, the beginnings of a secret pirate cove beginning to rise behind her. “Nobody ever has to know.”

[pearlypairings]

Ooh, tell me about “haircheer plot bunny”! (I’m assuming haircheer means Steve x Chrissy?)

it was inspired by this image!

and you're right, it's a steve x chrissy wip idea :) !

but essentially it would be them messing around at a boring lame country club event that both their parents always drag them to. They'd be sneaking out the event to blow off some steam and end up running away from Chrissy's mom trying to find her daughter and get her into trouble.

a snippet for your eyes only;) :

There he was in the coat closet, wearing someone’s tweed cap and leaning against the rack with a smirk. “Took you long enough, Bonnie,” he said. “Ready for our next caper?” “Oh so now you’re Clyde?” Chrissy squinted at him, teasing. She patted his hat down over his ears as snuck past him for Mrs. Phelp's scarf.  “Nice hat, covers your outrageous hair.” “You like? I was thinking of asking Mr. Crypt-Keeper to borrow it sometime…” “Sooo,” she said, humming as she wrapped the silk around her neck with a delicate figure-eight pattern. It felt cool against her skin. “How will we be surviving today? What’s the plan, Steve?” He nodded, replacing the hat back over the hook with its number. He approached her with a confident swagger. “I think it’s time.” “Time? Time for what?”

And I'm having a blast chipping away at this one periodically in the background of my longfics <33 thank you for asking about it!

wip title ask game

[shaykesqueer]

YAYYY I CAN'T WAIT FOR MY BREAKFASTTTT

I wanna be nosey and ask:

4

6

7

9

10

12

14

15

16

20

22

29

33

You had an essay of my OCs,I shall now annoy you with too many questions<3

Take this as payment<3

4. What is your favorite book?

Can I choose a book series? It’s the Wheel of Time. Shocker, I know :’) I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH! 

6. AND 7. 5 Male celebrity crushes and 5 Female celebrity crushes

When you say celebrity, you mean like… real people? Does that mean I can’t choose Sweetums and the Crypt Keeper??? I’m putting these two questions together because I’m trying to think but this is difficult! Tobias, OBVIOUSLY, but also I keep thinking Bella Ramsey and they’re nonbinary 😭 OH Jennifer Tilly for sure. Can I just.. Nearly the entire cast of Starkid? Jon, Angela, Kim, Curt, Joey, Lauren? I don’t find a lot of celebrities attractive until they play a certain role, yknow? I never found Brad Pitt attractive until I saw him in Inglorious Basterds and he killed Nazis? Or Nicholas Cage, but then he was Dracula? Hell I’d even say I find Daniel Craig attractive after Knives Out! I like my crushes a little fruity, what can I say? And does a crush just mean you find someone attractive? In which case, the list must be so long! Anyway, rant. Over. Difficult question, I love everyone. Oh and Viggo Mortensen. Because of LOTR and Crimes of the Future. 

9. What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

Probably that I got top surgery. I could ramble about all the little things that I’m proud of myself for doing that probably don’t seem like much, like feeling generally happy day to day or being able to decide what to have for lunch or knowing my limits and learning how to say no, but that seems small in comparison! 

10. What is a fact about you that nobody would believe?

See this one is difficult because I feel like any “weird” fact about me is very believable? I don’t like watching people kiss. I think it’s gross. 

12. Where is somewhere you'd like to visit?

Knotts Scary Farm at Halloween. 

14. What are your favorite apps besides tumblr?

I’m on instagram a lot! I don’t really post on there a bunch anymore because it’s a black hole for artists, but I still like scrolling! And Pinterest as well! I’m probably on Discord a lot more these days too! 

15. Describe yourself in one sentence.

Adorable but deceptively creepy, like a Cabbage Patch Kid that came to life and grew up. 

16. What do you think makes you attractive?

I have the softest love handles, I make the dumbest jokes, and I kiss real good. 

20. What's a totally random and useless fact that you know?

All pigeons are domesticated. It’s not useless though, it means you could have pigeon friends. That’s my go to, but another one is the average number of skeletons per person on earth is more than one. 

22. What is your most prized possession?

I really want to say it’s some bit of art I’ve made but no, it’s my teddy. It’s Pinky. 

29. Favorite song lyrics right now?

“This dear abomination of a child has many names

Lindworm, king of serpents

Girdle of the realm

This guy has nothing left to prove with size that overwhelms”

From Powersnake by Brothers of Metal

33. What’s a pet peeve you have?

I hate it when people drink straight milk. It’s nasty. And before you say anything, I don’t just mean dairy, I mean any kind of milk. 

Let's hope I got all the right questions this time!!

Thank you for the Ray sugar plum! <3 <3

[hopeless-writer]

Unsung Villains

1

The sun shone brightly on the hamlet of Shakil. The crisp autumn air lent a pleasant chill after the sweltering summer. The townsfolk meandered between the general shop, the modest smithy, and the town center. All was peaceful and the townsfolk had never been happier. However, this story doesn’t begin with the town, rather the dungeon, that lies a few hundred feet below the town.

Two adventurers, though there were four when they descended into this hellscape of a “dungeon”, were making a valiant attempt to flee from it. Unfortunately, during the chaos they had become hopelessly lost. It was as if the necromancer’s crypt had been shifting since they had entered deeper into it. Panic had gripped the ranger, though the stalwart paladin didn’t seem to care.

“We have to get out of here!” the ranger nearly screamed.

“Not until the evil that fouls this town is vanquished! By Parathon, we will free the people of this town from its thrall!” the paladin said, uncaring of their current situation

“TO HELL WITH THE NECROMANCER! Feril and the cleric are dead, and if we don’t get out of here we will be too!” the ranger screamed.

“Fine, leave if you wish, I’ll take care of this myself. All I need is my faith in Parathon and my blessed hammer,” replied the boastful paladin.

“Paladins, am I right?” a new voice asked.

“This one is more infuriating than any I’ve worked with in the past. He doesn’t seem to care about what’s going on around him,” said the ranger, brushing some hair out of her face.

“I’ve seen some stubborn ones in my day, but this one is zealous is he not?” the voice said, slightly exasperated.

“You have no idea, if it weren’t for the shop keeper, I doubt we’d be here right now. All it took was “evil” and he was practically running out of town,” the ranger said, still not looking at where the voice was coming from.

“Well, let’s be honest, I’ve never met a man who wasn’t single minded,” replied the voice.

The ranger turned and saw a beautiful woman standing beside her. Her eyes were a deep emerald green, and her auburn hair cascaded over her shoulder. The ranger snapped back to her senses and quickly asked, “I’m sorry, who are you, and why are you in a place like this?”

“Oh, where are my manners. I’m Kerina, and I’m the ‘evil’ necromancer your friend here wants to vanquish. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Kerina smiled and held out her hand.

The ranger felt the icy grip of fear wrap around her heart. How? How could this woman be the necromancer? She was gorgeous! It wasn’t fair! There’s no way, necromancers are decrepit old men fixated on becoming immortal! Her thoughts were interrupted by a cry from far off.

“Foul creature! I have come to free these people from your ensnarement! You will no longer corrupt these people, by the might of Parathon, and my blessed hammer you shall meet your end!” the paladin yelled as he sprinted towards Kerina.

With a wave of her hand the paladin stopped. Ethereal hands had rooted him in place, and no matter how hard he tried to free himself, it was no use.

“Do you mind? I’m trying to have a conversation with… I’m so sorry, I didn’t get your name dear,” Kerina said smiling towards the ranger.

“I’m Serinia,” the ranger squeaked.

“What a lovely name,” Kerina cooed, then turned to continue with the paladin, “I’m trying to have a conversation with Serinia here so if you’d be so kind as to be silent.”

“Ha! Like I’d ever listen to a demonic creature such as you! Once I’m free of this, you will feel the wrath of the holy Parathon!” the paladin shouted, sure of himself.

“Oh please, your Para-whatever has no power here. Haven’t you seen the glyphs everywhere?”

“The blue ones on the walls? It’s a concealing spell, something to keep outsiders from magically finding your diabolical lair,” he retorted smugly.

“It’s a concealing spell, of sorts. It keeps out the Gods. In essence, I’ve cut you off from your source of power.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

Kerina looked at Serinia in disbelief, “Is he really this dense?”

All she could do was nod, still under the effects of sheer terror and disbelief that this woman was the evil they were here to stop.

“You’re powerless, and worse, you’re going to die here.”

For the first time the paladin looked terrified, as if reality finally hit him.

“Well, that shut him up.”

Serinia could do nothing to try and help, she was rooted in place. However, unlike her companion it was fear that kept her in place.

“So, um…sorry, I’m terrible at this, especially with someone I just met, but how would you like to go out and have a drink with me?” Kerina asked, for the first time the confidence she exuded had seemed to evaporate.

“What?” Serinia asked, her fear dissolving and being replaced with genuine confusion.

“I just thought, maybe you’d like to...I don’t know, get to know each other. I don’t really meet many new people here and I never meet anyone as beautiful as you,” Kerina said sheepishly

Serinia was stunned. Was Kerina blushing? How did she end up here, with a less than intelligent paladin, and a necromancer who was asking her on a date?

“I’m sure you’re a nice person? Look, I’m sure that this will most assuredly end in my death, but I’m not interested.”

“Oh, because I’m a necromancer, I see…”

“No, it’s not that, it’s...well I’m just not attracted to women, even beautiful, deadly women. I’m sorry, I’m very flattered, but no,” Serinia couldn’t believe she was trying to break it gently to this woman who no doubt will kill her.

“Well, this is embarrassing, and disappointing. It seems I have no choice then, I’m sorry but you both will have to die,” Kerina said glumly.

“I’ll do it! I’ll go have a drink with you, please just don’t kill me!” the paladin whimpered. Kerina was sure that if he could move he’d be on his knees begging. It was pathetic really.

“What makes you think I’m interested in you? Ew. Just no,”

Kerina sighed and produced a dagger, before Serinia had a chance to make a move, it was plunged into her heart. It should have hurt, but all she felt was cold. It felt like all the warmth was being drained from her body.

“Don’t worry my dear. You’ll survive, in a sense. This dagger has a hunger for souls, and as I speak these words, it’s feasting on yours. I wish it hadn’t come to this, I really did like you. I will still get to look upon your beauty, I just wish it had been different.” Kerina said, pain visible on her face.

Serinia couldn’t say anything, everything was becoming fuzzy around the edges and blackness was at the very edge of her vision. As it engulfed her vision she could only focus on the cold that had taken over. The dagger having left it’s victim soulless, dropped to the floor it’s blade glowing faintly.

Horror gripped the paladin, he tried again to free himself, but it was no use. The hands held him firmly. He watched as Serinia had become a husk of her former self. Knowing the end was coming, the paladin was practically foaming at the mouth, pleading, begging for anyone to come save him, for Parathon to descend from on high and end the life of the foul demon standing before him.

“Oh, I had almost forgotten you were there. Look, here’s the deal, I’m tired as hell. I haven’t been sleeping well the past few nights. So, here are your options, leave your deity and swear fealty to me, or die...on second thought that’s pretty cliche don’t you think?” Kerina asked, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Please, I won’t tell anyone where you are. No one, I swear it! Just let me go, please! I have a family, a young one. He’ll be devastated if his papa doesn’t come home,” rambled the paladin, trying to appeal to Kerina’s decency.

“Just shut up for a minute will you? I’m trying to decide what to do with you.”

“I don’t want to die!” Screamed the paladin, tears streaming down his face.

Great, now I have to deal with a crying paladin. This is just not my day. Kerina thought to herself, feeling a headache coming on.

“Fine, I won’t kill you, but she will,” Kerina turned to the pretty thing standing next to her, and handed her the dagger she used to turn her.

“Ta-ta, I’m going to take care of this headache, you two play nice!” called Kerina as she waved a hand and exited the room.

The last thing she heard as the door closed behind her was the paladin screaming and begging. She smiled to herself, sometimes it was fun to be a villain.

[kmrstudios]

KR’S LIST OF 6 UNDERRATED HORROR FLICKS FOR HALLOWEEN

Hey, gang! Burned out from repeat viewings of the entire Nightmare on Elm Street series, Friday the 13th series, or even the Halloween series? Never fear, because I’ve got recommendations for some of the most underrated and quite frankly, often overlooked horror flicks to check out this Halloween season. So in no particular order, this is my list of 6 underrated horror flicks to check out during Halloween!

6) VAULT OF HORROR

Despite the wraparound story, the lack of an actual Vault-Keeper, and the fact that none of the stories are adapted from the actual EC horror comics series of the same name, 1973’s follow-up to “Tales from the Crypt” by Amicus might as well be considered a superior sequel to the first film. With 4 out of 5 excellent stories that capture the feel & tone of the comics as well as excellent performances from Terry-Thomas & Doctor Who alumni Tom Baker, Vault of Horror is a criminally underrated anthology film that I can’t recommend highly enough.

5) SILENT RAGE

Chuck Norris fights Jason Voorhees. I can’t describe this movie any further than those 5 aforementioned words. A movie where Chuck Norris fights a unstoppable killer resurrected through the wonders of science. Despite lacking a good soundtrack (aside from the closing credits) and somewhat slow pacing in the middle, the mood & suspense makes this early Norris flick an excellent movie if you dig horror movies and/or if you wanna watch Chuck Norris roundhouse kick a genetically altered killing machine into oblivion on Halloween night.

4) TETSUO: THE IRON MAN

This tale about a salaryman slowly turning into a metal being may possibly be the most twisted horror movie hailing from Japan that I’ve seen in recent memory. And I’m not kidding when I say that. It’s a crazed fusion of Cronenburg body-horror & psychological horror that will leave you blown away or comatose upon witnessing the insanity this film has to offer. While I wish the movie was longer, Tetsuo the Iron Man is one wild ride that’ll keep you glued to your seat until the movie ends. Recommended if you like body-horror flicks or want to see a guy’s particular body part turn into a power drill (Again, I’m not kidding).

3) DEEPSTAR SIX

From the creator of Friday the 13th comes a pleasant surprise of a monster movie that was released in 1989 where you had 5+ underwater sci-fi flicks. With good performances from the cast including Miguel Ferrer & some awesome creature effects, Deepstar Six, despite me preferring Leviathan over this, has a lot of positives going for it that I cannot ignore adding this to my recommendation list. Watch it!

2) H.P. LOVECRAFT’S FROM BEYOND

Following off the heels of his earlier hit by the name of Re-Animator, the late Stuart Gordon once again brings one of Lovecraft’s short stories to the big screen (which is only the length of the opening scene in the movie btw). Where Re-Animator felt more like a splatter fest of a horror comedy, From Beyond is true Lovecraftian horror strengthen by performances from the cast including the underrated Jeffrey Combs & Ken Foree, awesome special effects, and a creepy soundtrack. Oh, and Barbara Crampton in a dominatrix outfit. Highly recommended for fans of Re-Animator, Stuart Gordon & H.P. Lovecraft.

1) THE BURNING

While the slasher genre has Freddy, Michael Myers, Chucky & Jason, nobody ever talks about Cropsy, based on the urban legend. Enter 1981’s “The Burning”. This movie has everything: Dimwitted campers getting hacked with gardening sheers, Tom Savini doing the special effects, early film appearances by Jason Alexander & Holly Hunter, a soundtrack composed by Rick Wakeman of Yes fame, and the list goes on. The one thing that kinda holds it back nowadays is the fact that the movie was produced & written by the notorious Weinstein brothers, which is unfortunate because this is a good movie. But if you can get past that, “The Burning” is a true slasher classic that you should watch.

And with that, I hope you get some enjoyment out of these horror flicks. I may have some more underrated flicks to recommend that were left off the list, but the aforementioned titles should get you started.

Until next time, this is KR signing off!

And happy Halloween!

[twinsfawn]

the person checking me out didn’t even card me while i was buying alcohol….i’m only 22…….what a read

[indominusregina]

I actually used the phrase “as the kids say these days” in a meeting with my boss today.

Kill me

[spine-buster]

um Sid >is< middle aged? how old do u think he is?

……….

Sidney is only THIRTY FOUR YEARS OLD. HOW YOUNG ARE YOU THAT YOU THINK THIRTY FOUR IS MIDDLE AGED?????????? 😳

[gothamcitytrash]

The Bet

Steph - …

Jason - …

Steph - Truth or Dare?

Jason - oh fuckin finally something to do , erm … dare

Steph - I dare you to be nice to everyone for 24 hours

Jason - Easy

Steph- No snarky comments

Jason - less easy but still doable

Steph - or backhanded compliments

Jason - oh

Steph - no insults either

Jason - wait a sec…

Steph- AND you can’t leave the manor or force people to leave

Jason - ah fuck , nah i got this

Steph - and if you fail , you can’t eat Alfred’s cooking for a month and you have to say i’m better than you BUT if you prevail , i have to say that YOURE better than me … Deal?

Jason - you’re on blondie

——— Jason wonders off to get something to eat and sees Tim practising anime moves in the mirror ———

Jason - … nope , too tempting

—— Jason passes Dick’s room to see him dancing to ABBA in a Wonder Woman halloween costume ——

Jason - i’m fucked

——— Jason makes it to the kitchen and makes himself lunch , Bruce comes to sit down next to him . Jason sees that Bruce is making the ‘Parentface‘ while scrolling on his phone with his index finger

Jason - oh i’m gonna die

Bruce confused - ?!?

——— Jason walks to the door and opens it to see Steph standing there ———

Steph - Whatcha Doin?

Jason - Nothing , i er … i was just getting some fresh air

Steph - sure , i’ll let you quit if you say i’m better than you

Jason backing off - i walked from Ra’s Compound to Gotham City , i can do this and youll never hear that outta my fucking mouth

Steph shouting - YOU DIDNT SAY I WASNT BETTER THAN YOU

——— Jason panicking and sees Duke walking into his room ———

Jason - DUKE

Duke jumping out of his skin - PLEASE DONT HURT ME IM JUST A BOY

Jason - oh thank god , i’m not gonna hurt ya but you gotta help me

Duke befuddled - oh…kay

Jason - i made a bet with Steoh that i could be nice to everyone for the rest of the day

Duke - why? , why would you do that , you can’t go 10 mins without an insult

Jason - i’ve lasted 3 hours so far , and i have 2 hours left but Damian , Babs , Cass and harper are gonna and home soon

Duke - so?

Jason - SO , they’re getting back from the KISS concert

Duke - oh

Jason - yeah fucking oh

Duke - Damian went to a KISS concert?

Jason - he lost a bet to Steph too

Duke - gosh… she’s a menace

— Damian , Babs , Cass and Harper come home —

Jason - … their here

Duke - you have to go downstairs

Jason - i’m scared

Duke - it’s okay , it’s just saying “ you’re better than me steph “

Steph from the vents - thank you duke

Duke terrified - AHHH WHAT THE FRICK

Jason pointing up - she’s in the fuckin vent dude

—— Jason wonders off to the library but hears ——

Cass - Jay!

Jason pretending to be invisible - …

Cass - Jay , the concert was so cool

Harper - yeah it’s was fuckin fun

Babs - even Damian was head banging

Damian - it was a fun activity , the outfits and face paint were a bit much

Jason physically recoils - ….

Harper - makeup

Damian - what did you just say Row

Harper - make-up , it’s makeup

Damian - you’re lying

Babs - she isn’t , technically it’s Bruce’s eyeshadow for patrol

Damian - i’m going to kill you Row

——— Damian stumbles over in his platforms ———

Jason - I CANT FUCKIN DO THIS MAN!!!

Everyone - huh?

Jason turning around slowly - i can’t be nice c not even for 7 stupid fuckin hours… STEPH YOU FUCKIN WIN ALRIGHT , JUST LET ME OUT OF THIS CURSE

Steph dropping down from the ceiling - if you want this to stop , you know what to say

Jason - ah fuck … Steph?

Steph with a shit eating grin on her face - yes?

Jason - you’re better than me

Steph - That was very nice Jason

Jason - so i don’t have to be nice anymore

Steph - pretty much

Jason - oh thank god

———————Jason takes a deep breath——————

Jason - Dick , that wonder woman costume is extremely unflattering and makes you look flatter than Stephs hair in the morning and you can’t sing at all

Dick and Steph - Hey!?!

Jason - Bruce ; you are the crypt keeper and the fact you can stand up without crumbling into a pile of dust is beyond me

Bruce - Watch it

Jason - Tim , pretend and try as you might , you’ll never be Goku and it’s ridiculous that you keep trying , you are a subpar power ranger at best

Tim - harsh but needed

Jason - and now you four , you all look like bruce’s first draft of his batsuit , and Damian , even in platforms you are only 4ft tall AT BEST

Damian - Watch your Tongue Todd

Jason at Harper- this is the first time you’ve ever been able to convince somebody of something because you fuckin suck at lying and it’s embarrassing to watch

Harper - Damn

Jason - Babs… Red hair doesn’t suit you

Babs - Say that again and see what happens jackass

Jason - and finally … Cass

Cass - :)

Jason - yeah i got nothing … phew i didn’t think i could go on much longer

Everyone - Hungry ?

Everyone replying - Yes?

Alfred - Dinners Ready!

Jason - fuck yeah

Steph - whoa whoa , where do you think you’re going?

Jason- to eat?

Steph - did you last until midnight with out being a dick?

Jason - oh no! , no! , no please don’t do this

Steph - Goodbye Jason

Jason falling to his knees like Darth Vader - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO