#addiction and depression

[emotionaleating]

[psychath]

As if we want attention so bad

[todostoast]

you ever just want to cut even if you don't really have a reason just because you miss the feeling of the cuts or am i losing it

[wishiwasanyonelse]

I get it when people avoid me. I don’t even want myself around.

[tavania777]

Choose your addiction

[neuroticboyfriend]

Another thing I just realized. If you isolate, especially for a long time, and then start coming out of your shell... You're not gonna suddenly be fine with being around people, being seen by others, or having social interactions.

Whatever reason you were isolating is going to follow you. You're gonna be uncomfortable. You're going to try to hide. You're gonna have a hard time trusting others and being honest about yourself. This is natural.

Change doesn't happen over night. Taking action to put yourself in social situations is only the first step; learning how to be yourself around others and who you want in your life is a whole other ballgame. It's going to take time for you to discover how you want to exist in the world.

That's okay. It's frustrating as all hell. It's scary putting yourself out there. Sometimes it might feel like you'll never connect with someone else - that you'll always be an outsider no matter what you do. You might feel stuck and doomed, but you're not.

You are capable of growth and healing. There are people who want to be your friend, who will love and support you in ways you didn't think was possible. They will be patient with you as you struggle and change. Not only that, but they'll be proud of all the progress you made, and continue to make every day.

I say this to you, and myself. I'm experiencing this firsthand, and I've been being so mean to myself for not living up to whatever standards I've placed on myself. I can't push myself to be someone I'm not ready to be, to do things I'm not ready to do. I only have today, and who I am today.

So everyday, I can put some effort into exploring myself as a social creature. I can be more gentle and patient with myself through the process. It's not going to perfect; I'm just one person, and you are too. We'll both be okay and get through this. We are allowed to take things one step at a time, one day at a time.

One day we'll be able to look back on where we are now and see how much we've grown, how much happier we are. Until then, we'll hold on for the ride and keep going. ♡

[selfsabotagingcvnt]

2024 is the year I heal

2024 is the year I have my biggest relapse yet

[kik1zs]

Born to be wrist slicer, forced to be thigh cutter.

[destroyedbitxh]

You know you hurt me, right?

[larynxnymphh]

oh how i wish i could cvt my arms and not get yelled at🥰

[emotionaleating]

i just wish you met me before all these bad things happened to me

[psychath]

I am so silly

[birdsribcage]

Just a silly little girl with silly little thoughts of suicide

[intersexfairy]

it's been so hard for me as a trans man these past few years. unfortunately the internet has had a huge hand in that. i won't get into it too much from that angle, but i will tell you how i felt, and still feel.

i feel like the scum of the earth, a lot of the time. like im betraying women, like i can't be proud and happy. like there's something gross about me, irredeemable and unwanted. like my pain and joy don't matter. like i need to conform as much as i physically can - and run away from who i really am.

that led me down a really dark road. addiction, psych wards, suicidality, the whole nine yards. im 117 days sober today, and i'd be lying to you if i told you it's sunshine and rainbows. it's not. but it is so much better. im finally getting the clarity of mind to look at myself again, trying to discover myself for the first time.

that's scary as hell, but the good news is, if i reconnect with myself, things can get better. and you know what? i don't deserve that - i need that. being my true self isn't something i need to earn, or prove. it's something to be experienced and felt and valued. self-actualization is a human need.

so to any other trans men who have struggled with who they are, whether it expressed itself as it did in me or not, i want you to know you're not alone. you're not, and you shouldn't be. you are allowed to exist, just as you are, right here in this moment. all the things you've been through matter. all the things you've yet to experience matter. you matter.

our suicide rates are absymally high, and we need to stick together. all of us, not just trans men. there is family out there for us. we can find love and compassion and freedom and joy. and other people, whether online or not, cannot change that. the world is so much bigger than the hate that's out there. there's so much life to be lived.

there is so much love waiting for you. i hope you stick around to find it. i'd promise to be with you to do that, but i can't. i will tell you though, i will try my damned hardest to become my best self. not just for me, but for you. for you, for you, for you. i love you, man. and one day you'll love yourself too. so will i.

be as honest, open, and willing as you can. hold on tight to hope, even if only for the ride. one day you won't regret it.

[cicada-heart]

somewhere in south georgia III

august 2016

this was such a strange, heady summer and i think of it often

(I, II, IV)