#bc you never know when i might have to change things up again
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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btw one of the things i want to do when i really rap up atbb for real is spontaneously get the energy at will to do actual updated fullbodies of the main 4 since now i actually have the ability to draw them the way they look in my head & have the skills to put some more variety in their shapes. basically i wanna
#warning big character design rambling in these tags but like. were u expecting any less#if ur wondering what changed-#first of all everybody has bigger hands bc i'm actively deciding to commit to that decision because i like it :3#next russ is a bit taller . i'll probably change some other things like making his armor look more solid & making him look more frail#-without it but i dont wanna pick up my tablet rn so thats all i feel like editing with my mouse lmao#edge has the biggest changes mostly in just being Wider. i want to make him Look stronger yknow#currently its just one of those annoying “skinny anime girl actually has 2d spraypainted abs and can lift a truck” tropes that i Hate#its a lil too many triangles when he should really be more like a triangle-flavored square. yknow#that being said the weirdly feminine hips were not intentional but only time will tell if they make it into the actual final design or not#i will not be making his pauldrons wider than they were originally. those things are already wacking everything around him they're fine#fluff's change is just being a bit skinnier so he looks more pathetic and sad. probably gonna try to make him look a bit younger too#but age is hard to represent with skeletons from The Land Of Sharp Features#i might also change up his pants/shoes more idk. Baggy Everything makes a very difficult silhouette and the boots are just boring tbhh#they're the bi flag but i dont think a single person has ever noticed lmao#and stretch's biggest change is that he's going to Have A Fullbody Reference That Isn't From 2019#probably make his hoodie longer/looser so i can make the transition to the leggings less awkward & show off his tank under it a bit more#the leggings & sneakers get to stay tho i think. the red wraps the design up well & the chicken legs are funny to me :>#and karma isn't here but he'll probably also get an update to be more square as well. and NOT SKINNYYYYYY#i gotta cram some more emotional repression & inferiority complex hints into his outfit so his post-void look contrasts more its IMPORTANT#AND ALSO NEVER USE UNDERTALE SPRITES AS A REFERENCE FOR ARMOR EVER EVER EVER AGAIN#that being said im really excited to one day finally sit down and draw his post-void design i think i'll have fun with that one#theres a reason my sf bros dont really fit their “roles” in the au yet like undyne & alphys do. hehehe#basically to sum up all these tags: becoming more skilled at art is a curse because you KNOW you can do things better now
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Internet archive I love you❤️❤️❤️
#my 14 year old self is crying tears of joy rn#I was able to recover videos of a yt channel that I used to follow as a teen but was closed by the owner from one day to the other#for *years* I thought I'd never see them again (aside very few scattered reuploads)#granted my interests changed and I was occupied with other things#but every once in a while I was wishing I could just watch at least my nr 1 favourite video of them just one more time#but NOW I found out that someone salvaged basically the entire channel and just - put the videos up for downloading?!#it feels so unreal because after all this time I can just watch them again? as often as I want?! and they're mine to keep forever?!! ahhhh#I'm getting unreasonably emotional over this but that channel genuinely meant a lot to me at the time#I still remember that I was on the school bus home when I discovered it was gone#and I swear if I hadn't been in a public setting I'd legit have cried over it. it certainly ruined an otherwise really nice day for me#granted my 14y/o self probably had a bit of a dumb sense of humour (harmless. but dumb. what do you expect from a 14y/o?)#(hence I'm also hesitant to mention the channel name bc I'm not sure if I'm ready to potentially embarrass myself)#but I still feel an odd fondness looking back because I know how much those videos meant to her <3#especially my one favourite video which 1. was the sole reason I discovered one of my favourite tv shows ever#and 2. was probably the spark that really ignited my initial interest in animation and digital arts#bc for the first time I consciously realised that you can actually do cool and fun stuff even as just one single person#and that you don't need an entire animation team to just - express yourself creatively and bring your ideas to life#like I'm not even joking when I say if it wasn't for that channel I might have ended up in an entirely different education/career path#anyway I'm happy. but I'll stop now. oh gods I'm abusing the tags again instead of just writing all that *into* the actual post#internet archive#personal#selnia talks
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fallen prey to saying stupid shit on the internet without thinking and coming off as incredibly rude and insensitive. i feel sick to my stomach. never commenting on anything else ever again. deserve to be squashed under someone’s shoe and ground into powder. in all seriousness this has shocked me so much that i am quitting every platform but tumblr for however long it takes for me to get some sense knocked into my dumb fucking skull
#actually considering deleting the clock app rn#what i said was so so bad and it could’ve been avoided if i’d fucking READ WHAT I WROTE and thought abt it FOR ONE GODDAMN MINUTE#i genuinely feel like i’m going to throw up being seen (fairly. justifiably) as mean is like the worst thing#and i don’t deserve to be wining abt this bc i’m the one who hurt someone but good god#PLEASE make sure that when you say something online you would SAY IT TO THEIR FACE#ive gotten to used to this brusque rude dark humor on the internet that i don’t relaizw using that humor INDISCRIMINATELY WITH STRANGERS is#Not okay#they made a video on it but the video got taken down so i deleted the comment. which might have been more selfish. i don’t know what’s best#-to do in that situation? i’m going to change my fucking username and pfp atp and go off the app entirely because i’m so fucking adhd ames#**ashamed don’t know why is autocorrected to that#ok just deleted the app ‘and all of its data’ so idk if that means my videos (edits) too but atp whatever#maybe it’s impulsive but at least this way i will not know what’s going on ! and never hurt anyone again hopefully. i really hope he saw my#-comments before his response was deleted because i want them to know it was not intentional and i am truly so so sorry#i don’t know how i’m going to function for the rest of the day. i’m going to think about this when i go to sleep for the rest of my life#i feel sick#i’m evil#and being evil isn’t fun silly times it literally makes me want to throw up from how bad i am#too much ranting in the tags and i deserve to be fucking shot in the mouth#but i need somewhere to put this that no one will see this but that is also public so that someone might see and know how sorry i am#feel like fucking bojack horseman#unironically how am i supposed to go on living. how can i live knowing i’m so bad. if i don’t kill myself im being selfish because i’m mak-#-omg everyone deal with my presence and live with a bad person.#i think i’m going too social media entirely except for tumblr maybe bc i can’t or don’t rly talk to anyone on here#i need someone to like give me a good meaning but not in a cathartic way in a way that it genuinely hurts so bad and makes me feel the full#suffering i deserve
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Have you ever been assumed to be romantically attracted to someone and even just the thought of that makes you want to throw up . Anybody
#had someone's husband in my dms going on about how i want this bitch romantically and frankly if i hadn't been so busy crying i would've#actually thrown up . absolutely disgusting idea . vile even . horrid concept#anyway tldr im down a best friend because he didn't tell me anything i was doing was wrong after telling me that everything was okay and#then sent his husband after me to call me a creep that was obsessed with him that also apparently tried to make out w him#the same trip that my best friend of five years told me he hated having me in his hometown to see him graduate.#this was after i found out my cat had been murdered and mutilated and thrown in my granma's garden . that day happened to be my birthday#because my ma was kind enough to drive me and my lil brother down there to go see him graduate bc he was also supposed to move in w us the#month after . and he told me right after i got home that he 'didn't think it would be good for our relationship' and apparently#just didn't know how to tell me until a month before it was supposed to happen . bonkers times over here#anyway i didn't want to make out with him . he cried after i wouldn't have sex w him just last december . which i specifically got high as#shit to avoid . and i dont even have like. actual examples of what i was doing wrong to go off of so now i just get to live in mystery#forever ig. like shocker that the person that's been my best friend for five years would tell his husband to say that to me and not say that#shit to me himself . this is a wild to me . i feel like im going insane . can anybody even hear me what's going on#you know its bad when your mama gets so sick of you crying over a friend that she hugs you for the first time in years#also i cant sleep my head hurts . crying is evil . devils liquid . might watch rpdr or something . still nauseous over the idea of being#into him romantically btw . like still nauseous over that . like what a fucking insult to our entire friendship#does saying that we may as well have been made of the same atoms mean like . nothing . does nothing ive said to or about him not mean anythi#ng if its not romantic in nature . what did i do that wasnt enough for him. i fucking told him he outgrew me and that was fine i just#wanted to know if we were still friends or not and he said we were and i believed him. if he told me the sky was green i would make it so#ripping my hair out . am i being dramatic . am i the only person that wasn't expecting this . am i the only one that didn't know#when i had to tell people who knew about the moving plans that he changed his mind the first fucking thing i was told was “i thought it migh#t happen.“ WELL I FUCKINH DIDN'T . AND NOBODY TOLD ME#this is like . the second most humiliating moment of my life . aside from movinggate because at least nobody irl has to know about this#anyway . this boy could've taken my blood and i'd sit there and smile while he did it because he was my best friend .#i was so glad we got to grow up together. i miss him already. im taking my little brother to school my myself for the first time and all im#gonna wanna do is tell him about it . im tired . i want to sleep . im still so nauseous . did none of it mean anything just because ive#never and will never like him romantically. does that make everything less worthy somehow#i hope he never talks to me again. i dont think i could handle this again. he let is fucking husband say that shit to me. not him.#puppmeo misery
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well, i'm still in love with you !!!
*ੈ✩‧₊˚ in which their fall-in-love-again era is them soft launching each other while driving their friends wild.
or
for when you're still in love with them and will be for forever. ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚
social media au // charles leclerc x fem!reader
prequel - saw ur mom at the grocery store ·˚ ༘
warnings - language. suggestive jokes (???)
author's note - im so SORRY for not updating life is CRAZY rn like ???? so much has happened like im in LOVE im DONE with SCHOOL i have EXAMS SJSHSJSJKSKS im so sorry i hope u like this i love u all <3
≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱
liked by lewishamilton, carmenmmundt, lilymhe and 1,725,819 others
yourusername he's in my head so much i might as well just give him some
11,628 comments
username HOLD UP
username im shaking in my big girl boots rn what the Fuck
username y/n ?????
username SCREECHING
username roman empire or roman empire
username IM DYING OH MY GOD
landonorris just because you can type something doesn't mean you SHOULD
-> yourusername shut up u literally sprouted like an unwanted weed and not even the good kind
-> yourusername i am sorry that was mean
-> landonorris 😕
-> username someone keep these two away from each other before y/n makes lando cry 😭
username live love laugh y/n y/l/n
username i need cameras recording their whole vacation !!!!!!!!!
username this whole holiday will be so much more entertaining than 90% of all the tv shows out there 😭😭
username lord i pray that this is about charles
maxverstappen1 you didn't hear it from me but he's giggling
-> yourusername tell him to stop giggling and help me chase those seagulls away
-> landonorris LEAVE MY SEAGULLS ALONE
-> yourusername THEY ATE MY SANDWICH
username rip y/n's hater girl era u will be missed 😞☝️
username i know charles is thoroughly enjoying this like
username i will get over a lot of things in life but i will never get over lando and max joining the y/l/n-leclerc vacation simply because they do not trust charles to do the sensible thing
-> yourusername actually they're all dumb
-> maxverstappen1 excuse you
-> yourusername u called grey "dark white"
-> maxverstappen1 I PAID TO KEEP QUIET
-> yourusername blocking out the haters 🫸🙄🫷
username forever entertained by this group they never disappoint
username need me a max and lando to get me a bf or whatever 🙄🙄🙄
username waiting for charles to come here and say some stupid shit before going on with my day !!!!
charles_leclerc i bet u think about me
-> yourusername nah bc no way ferrari can make u THIS delusional what's the cause
-> yourusername i am sorry i was told that i cannot say shit about ferrari clown private limited whatever corporation
-> username please never change
charles_leclerc i will make u pasta !!!!!!!!
-> yourusername no thank u i saw what happened to arthur
-> charles_leclerc THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT THE PASTA WAS NOT GOOD
-> yourusername skill issue
charles_leclerc where r u
-> yourusername why r u typing like that
-> charles_leclerc lando said it's cool
-> yourusername lando thinks birds don't have feet don't believe him
-> landonorris why am i catching strays
username WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT CHARLES LIED TO GET MAX AND LANDO ON VACATION 😭😭
≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱
liked by carlossainz55, pierregasly, landonorris and 2,167,926 others
charles_leclerc we'd still worship this love
12,628 comments
username NAH WHO IS THIS MAN
username OH ??????
username false god lyrics imma die 🤣🤣🤣
username y/n effect is so real
username PLEASE NOT CHARLES SOFT LAUNCHING HIS EX 😭😭😭
-> username y'all put some respect on my girl's name 😭
-> yourusername i am no one's ex i will sue u for defamation
-> charles_leclerc for legal reasons she's JOKING
-> yourusername how do U know that tf
-> username i missed this
username hshshdjssjdjsjjsajjn;;;;;;;;bwywuuaj;...
username crying this is everything i've prayed for
username no one's mentioning the fact that charles wasn't even supposed to go on the vacation 😭😭😭
-> landonorris he booked his tickets and acted like it was a mistake
-> charles_leclerc you're a mistake
-> username and THAT'S how i know y/n and charles are back together 🤞🤞🤞
username i need a documentary on this vacation u don't GET it
username max and lando we trust u
maxverstappen1 you just pushed your love in water
-> charles_leclerc she told me i looked like tweety from looney toons
-> maxverstappen1 well
username crying i love every second of this
username i need to study this man's brain under a microscope like
-> username his thought process is just so UNIQUE
username i need them to confirm their relationship so i can breathe a sigh of relief thank u
username need me a man who posts like this
yourusername told u taylor swift songs slap
-> charles_leclerc highkey
yourusername i'm the most hilarious person ever idk why ur mad
-> charles_leclerc you called me tweety
-> yourusername hilarious
-> charles_leclerc my lover's got humour
-> yourusername OMGGGGG
yourusername we might just get away with this
-> charles_leclerc i told you, if you commit murder i will NOT be an accomplice
-> yourusername those are lyrics but fuck u too i guess
username i prayed for times like this 🤞🤞
≡;- ꒰ °instagram stories ꒱
charles_leclerc added to their instagram stories
≡;- ꒰ °twitter ꒱
≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱
liked by charles_leclerc, landonorris, carmenmmundt and 1,972,628 others
yourusername well i'm still in love with u 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 (❤️)
tagged charles_leclerc
comments are disabled for this post
≡;- ꒰ °instagram ꒱
liked by yourusername, carlossainz55, pierregasly and 2,126,891 others
charles_leclerc 2 out of 262819 photos where she stole my phone and the one (1) photo with me in it like okaaaaaaaaaay (🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥💯💯💯💯💯💯🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️)
tagged yourusername
12,728 comments
username NAHHH WHO TAUGHT HIM HOW TO TYPE LIKE THAT
username PLEASE OMG
username andddddddd we're 🔙 to having charles have a breakdown every single time y/n (HIS GIRLFRIEND) interacts with him
username god heard my prayers
username why do i have a feeling lando and max went EXTREME
-> yourusername if u call pushing us both off the yacht and not letting us back on until we said "hiiiiii" civilly to each other extreme, then yes. they were EXTREME.
-> charles_leclerc still mad about it. i said "hiiiii 😍😍😍😍🥰🥰🥰🥰😘😘😘😘" and you said "hi 😐😐😐😐."
-> yourusername sorry i was too busy finding ways to poison u then ❤️❤️❤️ im good and better now ❤️❤️❤️ (police and officials LOOK AWAY)
-> username netflix needs to leave dts and document THIS
username someone should write a book on this vacation and it should be max ☝️☝️☝️
username WAR IS OVERRRRR
username they're BACK god bless
username the way i KNOW charles is thanking max and lando on his knees like homeboy would be stuck without them fr
-> danielricciardo excuse you i was the mastermind
-> landonorris you literally did nothing except sit on ft for hours and yell at us.
-> danielricciardo tell that to all those thank you texts (money) charles sent me
-> landonorris YOU TOLD ME NO ONE WILL BE GETTING PAID charles_leclerc
-> charles_leclerc i sent him $1 because heidi asked me to
-> heidiberger_ he threatened to fly out to italy i did everyone a favour
username the y/n effect is coming back with full throttle like yeaaaaaaaaah
username i need a trilogy on this vacation like i need EVERYTHING
username the way i KNOW both of their families just rejoiced like they were going through it 😭😭😭
username everyday i wake up and thank the lord and heavens for daniel ricciardo, max verstappen and lando norris
yourusername i look so good wtfff
-> charles_leclerc yes you do 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
yourusername bébé ( baby )
-> charles_leclerc mon ange ( my angel )
yourusername soulmates 4 sure
-> charles_leclerc 👍
-> username lord i am not your strongest soldier
-> username why is he like this 😭😭😭
yourusername lowk missed taking 26271727 selfies on ur phone
-> charles_leclerc missed seeing your pretty face every time i opened my gallery 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
-> username y/n never leave him again please
-> username my man's TRAUMATISED
#f1 x reader#f1 x female reader#f1 imagines#social media au#fake instagram imagines#charles leclerc x reader#charles leclerc x y/n#charles leclerc x you#charles leclerc x female reader#charles leclerc fanfic#charles leclerc imagine#charles leclerc one shot#charles leclerc fluff#charles leclerc imagines#charles leclerc instagram au#f1 imagine#f1 fanfic#f1 x y/n
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— dreaming about… shopping with theo 👜
۶ৎ navigation ; masterlist ; theo m-list ; how to request
༉‧₊˚. this man would buy you stuff. there’s no point in arguing, because he would anyway, whether you like it or not. you don’t want something bought? don’t look at it. you look - you get, simple as that. if the first time he tried to buy you something you’d refuse, he’d be genuinely surprised. he wouldn’t understand how you could even have objections, because in his mind, he’s hella rich, he has more money than he can realistically spend, so of course he will, on you, don’t you get it? you want to try paying for it yourself? nah, his card’s pressed to the terminal before you can even blink. if you even insinuated that he was trying to buy your love, he’d be really hurt. he’s expressing love, not buying it. theo just wants to see your happy, pretty smile, and if your favourite things make you smile - ready-set-bought.
༉‧₊˚. a day at the shopping center isn’t just a day, but a date, and one of theo’s favourite ones, bc he gets to spoil you and spend so much time with you? yes, please. he’s not the type of boyfriend to sit outside the shop and wait for you while on his phone, no. he trails after you, carefully studying the clothing options and giving his input. he’d tell you straight up is something doesn’t fit, as well. not in a rude way, of course. “bella, you look gorgeous, but this colour would really make your eyes pop.” a human hanger, clothes you pick out hanging from his arms and shoulders as you make your way to the changing room. lingerie shopping? he’s the first in the store, already picking out sets before you even step inside. you absolutely have to make a show out of trying them on. he’s sitting in the couch, sipping espresso from the tiny cup that the shopping assistants offered, waiting for the first look. you open the curtain and his eyebrow immediately goes up, a sly smirk making the corner of his mouth go up. "what do you say, teddy?" you ask, turning around to check your ass in the mirror. "stupenda" he murmurs appreciatively, slowly nodding and roaming your form with his hungry eyes. you smile and disappear behind the curtain again, oblivious to the fact that theo has to adjust the front of his trousers – who gave you the right to look this hot? you end up buying everything, which isn’t even that useful since he’s taking it off at home anyway.
༉‧₊˚. when you go grocery shopping, you’re trying to be all cute and climb into the shopping cart, but theo gets actually concerned, because he thinks you’re tired already. "piccola, i told you not to wear heels to the grocery store, but you never listen." you laugh, finding his worried eyes adorable, and explain that it’s just a couple’s thing, to ride the shopping cart. he raises his eyebrow, but finds the whole idea pretty amusing, especially after seeing you all happy and cute in the cart. makes puppy eyes at you, asking you to push him in the cart down an empty isle, while no one sees. you spend half an hour searching for theo’s favourite and rare chocolate bar which you can only find in this particular store. if you can’t find it, he has no problem drilling the poor employees about it; he isn’t rude, just really persistent. you end up with more bags than you planned for because he takes two of everything non-perishable. "i know you’ll send me off to get you these cookies at midnight at some point, so i’m just thinking ahead, love."
༉‧₊˚. all about the famous ikea shopping trips because he gets to tell you which positions he’d take you in on which bed (or any surface, to be honest). absolutely adores book shops, especially obscure and second-hand ones, where he can go hunting for rare editions of his and your favourite books. he loves the smell of old books, too, so he can stay there for a long, long while, and it might be the only shop which you have to drag him out of at some point.
bonus: playlist
❥ cars & clothes & calories by blackbear ft. tyler carter
❥ supermodel by måneskin
❥ champagne & sunshine by plvtinum & tarro
❥ espresso by sabrina carpenter
❥ light switch by charlie puth
#— witch’s works ☾#theo nott#theo nott x reader#theo nott x you#theo nott x y/n#theo nott fanfiction#theodore nott#theodore nott x reader#theodore nott x you#theodore nott x y/n#theodore nott fanfiction#slytherin boys
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SEVENTEEN FIC RECS
a list of seventeen fics I really enjoyed! pls go and show these amazing authors some love <3 also if there wasn't a summary on the fic I just included a little paragraph or the request! now onto the recs ↓
CHOI SEUNGCHEOL
HELLO TUTORIAL - @97-liners
oneshot, fluff, college au, frat au
it’s your final year of college, and you’ve been elected president of your sorority. this is all great and fine, but as the semester goes on, you find yourself having repeated run-ins with the president of the fraternity next door in a series of unfortunate coincidences (that might not actually be coincidences, as you come to discover).
or:
in which you’re trying to deal with your crush on seungcheol in a normal way, but the meddling kids are making it harder than it needs to be.
FRACTURED PARENTING, PT.2 - @berriesandjunnie
oneshot angst, fluff, idol au, separated parents au, enemies to lovers
parenting can be an emotional rollercoaster when you’re far from divorced and the flames are far from dying.
YOON JEONGHAN
UNTITLED - @userjuyo
drabble, fluff, est relationship
"i just know than jeonghan would tease his s/o a lot, but whenever they went “hannie :(“ he would literally MELT like he’d just be like “okay sweetheart i’m sorry 🥺” and the members would be like ????? BC HE WON’T LET THEM LIVE but it’s his baby so <;3"
UNTITLED - @wqnwoos
drabble, fluff, est relationship
“what if crabs think that fish can fly?”
your question is whispered into the darkness of your bedroom — you gazing at the ceiling thoughtfully, while jeonghan curls up beside you.
OF RAINY NIGHTS AND ROSES - @chenfleur
oneshot, angst, fluff, idol au, est relationship
In the heat of the moment, Jeonghan grows careless with his words. Now, he has to bear the weight of saying things he didn't mean.
DAISIES - @viastro
oneshot, angst, fluff, strangers to lovers
the best type of revenge is to hurt the person that means the most to them. aka, in which jeonghan is in charge of making you fall in love with him, just to break your heart.
JOSHUA HONG
BEST FRIENDS BROTHER - @chocosvt
oneshot, fluff, angst, smut, best friends brother
joshua happens to be your best friend’s older brother. he’s pretty, and he’s got a lot of cool details about him that you pay a concerning amount of attention to, but he’s just a friend (if you could even call it that). still, what does he think of you, anyway? that is—if he thinks of you.
IT TAKES TWO - @/berriesandjunnie
oneshot, fluff, idol au, parent au, est relationship
a family is a little scary when your partner has over millions of fans.
UNTITLED - @/wqnwoos
drabble, fluff, est relationship
"it feels like the sky has only just welcomed the sun when joshua tries to get up to leave."
WEN JUNHUI
HEAVEN COULDN'T WAIT FOR YOU - @/berriesandjunnie
oneshot, angst, idol au
i just couldn’t stand to see you leaving but heaven couldn’t wait for you.
HAPPY ENDING - @junkissed
one shot, angst, fluff, marriage, est relationship
a pointless argument escalates until both of you need some space, but it couldn't come at a worse time.
KWON SOONYOUNG
LET ME TRY AGAIN - @papermatisse
oneshot, angst, fluff, exes to lovers, parent au
Soonyoung had never wanted to live a restrained capitalistic life, forced to work a tiresome 9 to 5, paying taxes until the day he dies. Though in exchange to pursue the other option, that being devotion to a career, he had to pay an unfathomably large price—he had to abandon everything and everyone he's ever loved. can he fit himself back into his former life? one that's changed more than he can possibly imagine? could the ones he loved forgive him for his wrongdoings? could he get the second chance he wants so desperately?
(UN)TRADITIONAL - @neonun-au
oneshot, fluff, wedding au, est relationship
"The digital clock on the hotel night stand flashes the next minute as it passes. A re-run of Law & Order: SVU drones on in the background as you sit at the edge of the bed, staring sleeplessly at your wedding dress hanging on the back of the closet door. "
VOWELS AND VERACITY - @hansolmates
oneshot, fluff, angst, smut, teacher au, single parent
after a blind date that makes you feel like a giddy teenager all over again, you’re forced to grow up and take a chance when you realize that special someone is your daughter’s kindergarten teacher.
BE SWEET - @heartkyeom
oneshot, fluff, angst, smut, royalty, arranged marriage, enemies to lovers
“Why are you here?” Your tone is resolute, not allowing for even an inch of resistance.
“That’s what we need to talk about. We’re getting married,” He lifts the corner of his mouth.
You let out a laugh that is nowhere near polite, in fact, you’re nearly cackling at the prospect of this idea. It’s simply so outlandish, so fantastical that every time you look at his face it seems more unfathomable.
JEON WONWOO
FOR THE BOOKS - @trblsvt
oneshot, fluff, teacher au, est relationship
wonwoo's students seemed intent on matching him up with a fellow teacher. he didn't really want to stop them, it was too funny for him to break up their fun. plus, he didn't mind the certain someone he was being "set up" with.
HOW TO FALL - @because-of-a-friend
oneshot, fluff, angst, idol au
"hi!! <3 i love ur acc and i was wondering if you'd be able to write an imagine where you're besties with joshua and he invites you to meet the rest of seventeen for the first time and you instantly fall for wonwoo? maybe some angst but overall fluff? thank you!! no rush!! i love your work!!!"
UNTITLED - @/97-liners
oneshot, fluff, royalty au, friends to lovers, childhood friends
"a royalty au where you’re the heir to the throne and wonwoo is your shy (and lowkey bumbling) royal advisor…. he’s smart and always has his head stuck in a book but he’s also painfully awkward and clueless to how deeply in love with him you are. until your parents decide it’s time for you to get married. and suddenly you’re inundated by suitor after suitor, and wonwoo is quizzing them on their credentials and doubting their suitability for you, this one makes brash political decisions, this one spends too freely, this one has no tact for diplomacy. until one day, you turn to him and ask, “you’ve hated every single one of them. who, then, do you think i should marry?” and wonwoo blushes red and presses his lips together."
SCANDAL, PT.2, PT.3, PT.4- @fantasyescapes17
series, angst, fluff, enemies to lovers, regency au
this is part of an extensive series that includes other members! you can check it out ⤳ here
The Viscount's sister with an enormous dowry, beauty and unmistakable talent- you began the London season as the most desired woman in any room. But Jeon Wonwoo (a man who would rather hide in the library than dance at a ball) is beyond your comprehension. Curiosity might have killed the cat, but it embroiled you into a scandal with a man you could never love.
MEET CUTE OF THE CENTURY - @lovelyhan
oneshot, fluff, angst, smut, idol au, strangers to lovers
the last thing you expected when you volunteered at your city’s local animal shelter is to meet the hottest cat person in the world. now if only he’d just adopt one of them so you’d stop ogling him every time he drops by.
MARRIAGE - @yikesmary
drabble, fluff, parent au, est relationship
where wonwoo’s nightmare is coming true.
BIRTHDAY SURPRISE - @/yikesmary
oneshot, fluff, parent au, est relationship
where you and nari try to make breakfast and a cake before wonwoo wakes up… if only your daughter knew what the word “surprise” meant.
LEE JIHOON
GUITAR STRING - @leejungchans
oneshot, fluff, angst, royalty au
"“Take me away.”
Jihoon’s elegant fingers, previously plucking at his guitar strings, freeze at your words. The soothing, lullaby-like chords he had been playing echo into the inky darkness, carried away by the chilly night breeze."
WE'LL BE OK - @atinykidult
drabble, angst, fluff, idol au, est relationship
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you” for hurt!Jihoon
LIVE - @wondernus
oneshot, fluff, idol au, est relationship
having just finished composing a song a few hours ago, jihoon starts a live on his phone to sing to those who are feeling a little lonely at night. little does he know, your sleeping figure could be seen in the corner of his little livestream, causing his fans to go crazy.
MWHA - @cheolism
oneshot, fluff, est relationship
three times you said "mwah" at the end of a kiss and one time jihoon said it back
IM DATING WOOZI - @jihoonotes
oneshot, fluff, smau, est relationship, idol au
y/n is in a public relationship w/ woozi of SVTZ and decides to make a twitter acc to support jihoon, but SVTZ fans seem to think they're delusional.
JIHOON'S PUPPY - @rubyreduji
oneshot, angst, fluff, college au
jihoon can’t seem to shake the puppy dog who keeps following him around or the teasing he gets for it
HEARTSTRINGS - @wavelikewhat
oneshot, fluff, strangers to lovers, idol au
You help Jihoon meet an unexpected deadline for a song and he wonders why he can’t stop thinking about you. Luckily his members nudge him toward the answer.
LEE SEOKMIN
WARM ME UP ! - @ponkwan
drabble, fluff, est relationship
the one where you’re on your third date with seokmin.
KIM MNGYU
HOT OR COLD? - @jjuniehao
oneshot, fluff, est relationship
when looking for something on his phone, you find an email you didn’t expect…
BOYFRIEND PHOTOS - @babyleostuff
oneshot, fluff, est relationship, idol au
a sunny date spent with your precious boyfriend
XU MINGHAO
THE LETTER - @toruro
oneshot, fluff, angst, smut, brothers best friend, childhood friends to lovers, idol au
in which you’re jun's little sister and have been pining for a man so close yet so out of reach for ages. now, years later, when you see minghao all grown up, famous, and still making your heart flutter, you're not so sure what to do about your not-so-little crush.
BOO SEUNGKWAN
A BEAUTIFUL LIFE - @sungbeam
oneshot, fluff, childhood friends, est relationship
Boo Seungkwan asked you to marry him beneath the shade of an orange tree.
CHWE VERNON
ACCIDENTALLY IN LOVE - @suhnshinehaos
series, fluff, angst, childhood friends to lovers, arranged marriage, smau
the one where you get into an arranged marriage with your childhood best friend vernon, but neither of you seem to mind that much
UNTITLED - @/wqnwoos
drabble, fluff, est relationship, idol au
“vernon, we need to talk.”
OR, WOULD YOU RATHER IT BE ME? - @thepixelelf
oneshot, fluff, childhood friends to lovers, college au, soulmate au
A detested soulmark, a friendship over a decade in the making, and an unexpected proposal from one friend to another… what could possibly go wrong?
LEE CHAN
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE - @/berriesandjunnie
oneshot, fluff, est relationship, parent au, idol au
no matter what stage in life you’re at, or after all these years, you can count on his hyungs to still treat him the same.
08:23 AM - @wheeboo
drabble, fluff, est relationship, idol au
in which chan is late to dance practice.
want recs for other groups? check out my navigation → here!
#fic lists📃#seventeen fic recs#svt recs#seventeen fics#seventeen x reader#svt angst#svt fluff#svt smut#seventeen idol au#svt fanfic#seventeen dad au#seventeen smau#seventeen friends to lovers au#seventeen parent au#seventeen recs
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Hii!! If you’d wanna, can you make short headcanons about the house wardens except Kalim and Idia with a reckless reader, like (for example); is chasing after grim for doing something stupid and sees a shorter but dangerous short cut and takes it, almost breaking a leg but they don’t bc their crush (not bf yet) catches them with their magic, (I believe he only said five people, but if not five, I would like if it had Malleus, Leona riddle, and Azul)
(btw I really like your writing! Keep it up, but don’t forget to take care of yourself <33)
A Rewarding Chase
Tysm for the request and the kind words!! It was very fun to write! I took the chasing grim idea and ran with it- made sure to try and not make it to repetitive!! I do have a four character limit, if you want the others too feel free to send a second request (I wouldn't mind, i had so much fun writing this-)! And take care of yourself too <3
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Reckless Reader being saved by him while chasing grim
Characters: Malleus, Leona, Riddle, Azul
Format: Headcanons
Warnings: Mentions of possible Injuries(Nobody actually gets Hurt)
Malleus
-It's already rather late, Malleus is on another one of his evening walks.. when he suddenly hears someone running, and you shouting
-He decides to check it out, because chances are, you're being reckless again. Also because he would get to see you again :) Nevermind that he saw you earlier during classes
-When he does, he, just as expected, saw you chasing after Grim once again, who knew what the little guy had done this time? He decided to just watch at first- at least until you once again decided to do something awfully reckless
-Grim decided to go down a steep staircase, and instead of running after him, you decide to jump down the stairs, in oder to catch up faster. And if there is one thing Malleus knew, it was the fact that humans are rather fragile, and that you would break your legs doing this Jump
-While very much shocked, he acted almost on impulse, the young fae Prince pulls out his Pen and stops you mid air. Being the powerful mage that he is, you can't wriggle yourself out of his magics grip. Once he sat you down at the top of the staircase, he was kind enough to also get Grim back
-A soft smile settles on his face as he questions your antiques, wondering if you weren't aware of your own fragility. You are, you just decide to ignore it!
-After sending Grim home, he asks you to join him on his nightly walk, he would love to know more about your impulsive decisions! He really just wants to know more about you in general. And in typical Malleus fashion, he doesn't even notice the faint blush on your cheeks!
-He tells you to call him, should Grim cause trouble again, he knows he wouldn't be able to change your reckless nature. And he doesn't want to- it is another part of you, and he loves all of you. He just doesn't want you to get hurt <3
Leona
-He has never been awake this fast.
-Leona was just once again napping in the botanical garden- When the sound of shouting woke him up, yours and Grim's shouting to be precise. He didn't think much of it, this happend pretty often after all, but nonetheless he decided to lazily open up one eye
-And thank the seven he did, because now he was very much awake and staring at you, as you climbed one of the tallest trees in the entirety of the garden.
-Turns out, Grim has decided to climb up a tree, and you being you, went after him. Well, people tend to be heavier than cats, so eventually a branch broke underneath you.
- The tree you were on wasn't at all small, the fall would very much end in multiple broken bones, if not worse!
-He quickly pulled out his pen, catching you. Grim got away in the end, while Leona scolded you told you off. He complained about your antics interrupting his nap, and that he won't catch you next time. He absolutely will, and the actual reason he's upset about your antics is that it worry's him
-He might just force you to stay with him, so that you, and i quote; "Won't cause any more trouble", but really he just wants to be close to you. But then again, could it really be considered forcing, if you willingly agree? who'd say no to napping with their crush, after all ;)
-He might occasionally glance at you, while trying to go back to napping. He isn't entirely sure how he fell for someone as reckless as you, but you know what they say: Opposites attract :)
Riddle
-It was just supposed to be a normal unbirthday party.
-Riddle, of course, invited you, like he always does! Pretty much the entire dorm except maybe Deuce know about his crush on you by now And you in Grim were pretty much a package, you invite one, the other comes along.
-Riddle doesn't mind, of course! He does Who was he to demand time alone with you, it's not like your dating! He really wishes you were... were it not for Grim being such a trouble maker
-Grim had decided to throw a tantrum after not getting "fed enough", as in, he got the same amount of tarts as everybody else, before running off. You run after him, and in turn Riddle goes after you, as he already knows how reckless you can be
-And thank the seven that he did, as just as he finally catches up, he sees you trying to jump over a Rose bush to get to Grim- Sure it would break no bones, but the amount of thorns could severely cut you, and leave scars, or worse get infected!- The small Redhead is panicking to say the least
-He quickly takes his pen and uses magic to pull you back, almost making you bump into him in his panic!
-He scolds you almost immediately, if you were a part of his dorm he would have collared you! He wouldn't have, this man plays favorites Though you can't help but notice how not even once he brought up how you could have ruined the Roses or your Uniform.. All he cared bout was your health! And that made you happy, I mean, your crush actually cares about you!
-After helping you catch Grim, the party was already over, so he bids you farewel, sending you back to ramshackle, before both of you return to your respective rooms to comprehend the situation and blush :)
Azul
-How someone as organized as him could fall for someone as reckless as you? He doesn't know, but he did.
-This is proven as, just like always, he personally came to attend to you when you came to eat dinner at the Mostro lounge. He says it's because it's a busy night, but really it's an excuse to see you! And you don't question it because you get to spend more time with him because of it!
-But alas, Grim didn't wanna behave, so after being told that they were out of his favorite food, he took of and somehow climbed onto one of the lamps.
-You weren't having it, not today. You usually try to hold your reckless nature back in front of Azul, not wanting to terrify your crush, but Grim's tantrum just ruined the great conversation you were having with Azul ,ordering desert!
-So, you climb onto your seat and leap at the lamb! Considering you aren't focused on landing properly, but on catching grim, chances are very high you'll Hurt yourself, most likely straining your ankle
-So, Azul being a Gentleman, as well as not wanting to taint his reputation by letting a guest get hurt He'll hate himself if he just let's you get hurt, uses his magic to catch you, as he isn't the strongest physically
-He sends the eels after Grim while taking you to the VIP lounge. You think he's about to ban you for live, but actually he checks up on you, making sure you weren't injured in the process of the jump, as well as that his magic had no side effects
-You do have to stop him from banning grim for live
-He may just draft up a contract about being more careful with your antics, or to at least think twice before acting, you don't even realize how much you worry him! You most likely refuse, knowing that you can't just stop yourself from, well, being yourself. But he does make you sign a contract to not speak about what happened.
-You leave, smiling to yourself, now knowing that your crush cares about you, as he sits in his office blushing about the whole situation, just hoping the twins don't walk in
First Riddle request!! Very exited because I love the mini Tyrant <3 Also, for Azul's part, for one line, I wanted to originally write 'Your crush' but decided to change it to Azul, and almost published this with it saying 'your Azul' I-
Feedback is welcomed, just be nice!
Remember to drink water! Have a nice day/night <3
#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland x reader#twst#twst x reader#headcanons#twisted wonderland headcanons#twst headcanons#writing#leona kingscholar#leona kingsholar x reader#leona x reader#malleus x reader#twisted wonderland malleus#twst malleus#malleus draconia#riddle rosehearts x reader#riddle rosehearts#riddle x reader#twst azul#azul x reader#azul ashengrotto x reader#azul ashengrotto#azul twst#azul twisted wonderland#paradise writing ✍🏻
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Ok this is very random but how do you think Ghost would deal w an s/o who is still a virgin at a very big girl age 🥴 maybe they’d be seeing each other for a while, and when things heat up and she confesses, how would he deal? Would he be honored and accept being her first or would he reject her altogether bc she is inexperienced?
(Because I’m in my 20s and safe to say on top of everything else in my life except this, I haven’t come across anyone with whom I’d like to be intimate with yet and though I try not to let it get to me, some part of me sometimes feels like a freak or like something is wrong with me)
I hope I did not cross any boundaries or make you uncomfortable by sharing this, if I did I apologize and please feel free to delete this ❤️🕊️
Ghost x FVirgin!Reader
Word count: 2,9 k
Tags/warnigs: Mild smut, light angst, fluff, comfort, praise & size kink
Summary: Reader tells Ghost they’re a virgin while things are about to go down.
A/N: Oh anon!! No boundaries crossed here at all! Your request (or at least I took it as such and got inspired to write a brief oneshot about it) was very sweet.
This of course is my HC but Simon would only and only take pride in being your first. He would get a huge ego boost from this and feel absolutely privileged to hear he's worthy of such trust.
I think he would want to imprint himself in your head as the best man and the best sex partner you will ever have – he would do his all to eradicate even the very thought of wanting to try others after him. Again, an ego thing, but also a desperate wish to please his partner and make them feel safe. This man screams service top to me.
I think Simon has a wild side – not mean, just wild, as in he might be into rough sex and certain types of kinky stuff every now and then but only if his partner is willing. He would be very gentle and considerate (passionate as hell though), knowing you're inexperienced, he would make you feel as safe as possible and wait until you were ready and willing to explore things further.
Also, I can't help but be moved by what you told me in this message. I understand where you're coming from with these "is there something wrong with me" thoughts, because gosh, I feel you! And speaking from experience… it's 110 % worth it to wait for the right person to come along! Sex can be awesome, mind-blowing, one of the best things – with the right partner. Not worth it with just whomever, imho. Stay safe and trust yourself! And I hope you like this short drabble I made for Ghost x Virgin!Reader ❤️❤️❤️ much love 😘
Simon Riley was a one of a kind man.
He put every guy on every dating app to shame, and not just with his size. He was manly, in a word, even if you never knew you wanted such an overly masculine man. At least, not until you met him.
Simon was not only sturdy and mature – he was armed with calm rage and dark humor. Just one look in his eyes told you he was not the life of the party. Actually, he was Death himself: one of those four horsemen that heralded the Apocalypse.
Perhaps unintelligibly, the same man was also extremely considerate. A true gentleman if there ever was one. He always placed you and your needs first. But underneath the calm, cynical surface you sensed fierce intensity: fire and smoke, something that screamed Danger, high voltage.
And you could not keep away. Quite the opposite, really. The combination of a wildfire and a tornado roaring upon this solid bedrock of a man was simply alluring.
Things had gone a little too far without you meaning them to. You were not a woman of one night stands, actually, you had never had a stand. But Simon changed that, too. Because now you were thinking about sleeping with him.
After years and years of waiting for someone sensible to come along, you had begun to lose hope, especially when people seemed to fuck left and right while you wanted something real.
A bedrock.
With that wildfire. Perhaps a tornado thrown in as well.
After weeks and weeks of flirting, the man asked you out, and after weeks and weeks of going out, you came to the conclusion that if someone deserved to be your first, it was Simon Riley. If there was any guy you wished would take you against a wall until you begged for mercy, it was him. At least in your fantasies, which were starting to get out of hand.
In real life, things were not that breezy.
Because what would he say if – no, when – you told him you were a virgin at this age? What if he would be bothered, what if things would get awkward between you two?
What if he decided you were simply too much trouble than you were worth?
It seemed like a miracle that the guy was still around, having been left blue-balled date after date. Either he was hellbent on conquering you, or then… Well, you didn't even dare to think about or's and then's and what if's. Especially when your own feelings were getting equally out of hand as those fantasies.
He probably had plenty of experience, and the thought certainly didn't make you feel any better. How would you compare, being not only inexperienced but a whole goddamn virgin? And it would probably hurt on top of everything. This man must be pretty damn big downstairs if 6 '4 feet and large hands were any indication.
Still, all fears flew out the window in record time every time he pulled you into a kiss. Your body molded into his already: the broad shoulders closed in around you, and it only felt thrilling. His warmth, his arms and scent enveloped you like the sweetest prison, and you held onto him as tightly as you could. Not because he wasn't clutching you with the same–if not greater–fervor, but because you wanted to make sure he was real.
And you realized what the allure of Simon Riley was.
He felt safe.
In fact, he was safe. He represented safety in all its aspects.
Who would've thought that death and wildfire could feel so good, so reliable?
You wondered if he thought this was some game; that you kept him waiting. The unwritten rule seemed to be that it was ok not to jump into bed on the first date. If anything, it was only a decent move. But what did the rules say about the second, third or fourth date? Not to talk about tenth?
Things were starting to resemble some prudent high school romance. Well, perhaps not prudent, the way you two practically ground against each other while making out after every date. Without being vocal about it or pressuring you in any way, you could tell he wished for things to go further. Hell, every fiber in this man begged for more. He would soon burn your clothes off simply with that searing gaze alone.
Watching the door close on that heated stare after at least 15 minutes of wanton, wicked kissing followed by clumsy Good night's and shy, apologetic smiles just wouldn't do anymore. The poor man was left breathless and puzzled in the cold night with nothing but a hard-on and the crumbs you gave him to keep him warm.
Things were getting ridiculous, criminally so, and you felt pity for those pants trying to keep him in confinement. You felt pity for your own soaked underwear as you climbed to a lonely bed all hot, bothered, and wet.
Which was why this evening would end with you asking him to come inside.
. . .
Lately, his hands have started to roam; they even cup your ass as he moans in your mouth – and hearing that raspy, low sound leave him forces the final decision. It's the final prophecy that tells you he is the one. You should’ve known it was only a matter of time with him.
The man hides his surprise well as you invite him in.
"Thought you'd never ask," he gives you a soft chuckle before stepping over the threshold to not only your apartment but also your life and privacy.
You barely get out of your shoes before his shadow engulfs you and strong hands lift you in his lap like you weigh nothing at all. You instinctively reach for support by clasping your hands behind his neck.
"You really know how to torture a man, don't you?" The brown in his eyes is nearly swallowed by warm darkness as he carries you to the bedroom.
"I'm sorry," you whisper, and he gives a short laugh of gravel.
"Don't be. This has been fun."
He sets you down next to the bed, and your heart is thumping so bad you fear he can hear it banging against your chest.
"But it's about time I torture you, right?"
Oh God…
Things happen so fast that it’s hard to tell who undresses who, but somehow, you find yourself standing in your bedroom with nothing but knickers and a bra on while he's taking off his pants. The man has definitely waited for this to happen for god knows how long, and it only makes your stomach lurch.
He thinks you know what you're doing, your brain offers when it should know when it’s time to shut the hell up. You can see the generous bulge this man is packing, and while perhaps compelling to other women, to you, it mainly looks intimidating. Threatening, almost.
He doesn't take his boxers off, seeing you're just standing there like some statue, still in your underwear and almost shaking from thoughts running rampant.
His form swallows you as he steps closer; wide hands slide up your arms, then draw you against him – against that demanding pulse that gets trapped between you two. Even through the black cloth, you can tell he's thick and big, just like you feared.
The man is blazing, and seems to have grown another foot in height as he towers over you with all that muscle. His shoulders are almost the size of your head, and you already know the hand that runs down your spine is experienced in crushing windpipes. It makes you breathe in shivers, and of course he notices something is wrong.
"Everything good?" He's eager and breathless, the erection pressing against you like a threat. He’s a man who has fashioned a weapon out of himself, so it shouldn't be a surprise that everything in him speaks violence.
"Yes," you try to assure him – a lousy lie only punctuated by the audible gulp that leaves your throat as you try to swallow your nerves back down.
"You afraid…?"
"Just a little nervous," you tell him, a half confession.
"Mm. That makes two of us."
He draws down into a kiss, the hands of a soldier and a killer nearly drawing you up from the ground as he pulls you close. You don't really buy his claim of being nervous too: you can feel how he throbs between you, heavy and impatient.
Hesitantly, you reach to hug him as well, and you feel so small, so insignificant when wrapped around this… giant. The knowledge that you're about to be trapped under all this crushing weight leaves you both faint and needy.
He’s a good kisser, but as he moves to devour your neck, you start to freeze from the middle.
"Alright… Come here."
He half carries, half lays you down on the bed, then crawls between your legs and changes his tactic a little. Gentle kisses are ghosted down your throat, and soon, he's at your breasts, soft as a whisper. But as he draws the fabric of your bra aside, your nipple is caught inside a hot, wet mouth, and the wildfire surges forth. There’s no way out from under him anytime soon, and you realize the colossal body is already spreading your thighs wide.
The way he already looks so damn good there between your legs: big, the epitome of raw, masculine power… It's almost sinful that a man like him is here with a virgin. It's a whole new hell how he's kissing you gently as fuck while blazing like a bonfire about to engulf and devour you. You want to wrap your legs around his middle, attach yourself to him in any way you can, but your thighs are weak pudding.
You feel both lost and found with him. In him.
He sucks and kisses your breasts like they're the only thing he's here for – and it feels good, heavenly, to be honest. But then he starts to travel down.
Shit… You need to tell him – and soon, or else there will be no time to say anything before the last of the shielding fabric is gone.
"Simon…?"
"Mm-hm?"
He doesn't even stop with the kissing, merely hums on your skin as his mouth reaches your stomach.
"You're my first," you finally force the truth into the night; a soft and desperate fact. It's only the faintest breath, but he halts abruptly like he has been stabbed between the ribs.
Great…
Here comes the awkward.
He rises. Softly, slowly, like a shadow, just a second away from getting to what's between your legs.
"Is that so?"
His voice is hoarse and dark from arousal. The whole man is intoxicating, and your heart is hammering in your chest, both from hunger and dread.
"Yes…?"
A broad hand comes to rest on the dip of your waist; gently, like you're some frightened animal about to dart off from under his touch.
"Love… Are you sure you want to do this?"
Are you? You almost ask, then bite your lip.
He just called you love, something he has never done before. You can see your breasts rising with the breaths you try to calm down with sheer willpower.
He lets out a small sigh, then crawls beside you and takes you in his arms. The bed sags and wails under his weight before your body is pulled into a delicious bear hug.
"Sweetheart."
His voice is so smooth, so different from the intense, rough smoke that has followed you up until this point that you feel vehement tears burn your eyes. First love, and now, sweetheart…
"There's no need to rush things," he says while keeping you close. Ever the gentleman, but you fear that you've ruined everything.
"We haven't exactly been rushing," you mutter somewhere in the plates of his chest. You both feel and hear how another sigh travels up his throat and is breathed into the crown of your head.
"Now… listen to me, ok? I've wanted you ever since we met. Can't deny it. But the last thing I want is to force you to do something you don’t wanna do."
You squeeze your eyes shut from what he says. Ever since you met… You can remember the lingering gazes, the way his eyes lit up with something hopeful and pure, how it drove away the exhaustion that seemed to have made a home in this big, brooding man. You remember how he stole a few stares up and down your body, too; remember the hunger he never even tried to conceal – not until now.
He is the most enthralling being you have ever seen, a mystery and a force of nature, an indomitable man, and to say that you haven't thought about him that way ever since too would be a lie.
"But I want it," you look up at him slowly, feeling much safer now that he's holding you like this.
I want you.
You realize you're pouting when the warm look in his eyes gains a playful glint as he laughs softly.
"You want it?"
"Yes."
That little twinkle turns into a downright gleam as he looks at you like you're the most adorable thing he has ever seen.
“You want it with me?”
“Yes.”
"How much do you want it?" The charred voice is so soft now: it washes over you in generous waves. His hands keep you in safe custody – and you're the most willing prisoner there ever has been.
"Pretty badly?" You breathe into the air between you and see the corner of his mouth tug.
"Well, in that case…" His hand sweeps down your back and comes to reside on the swell of your hip. "I'm glad I'm here to help."
Pale eyelashes drop to your lips just before he kisses you again. You arch in his arms, like a flower leaning towards sunlight; your mouth, your whole being unfurls under his leadership. He rolls partly on top of you, then moves to kiss you all over as you lie on your back: he kisses your chin and neck, your collarbones and the hollow little crevice between them. The hand on your hip brushes down your thigh, then back up, up, until his fingers meet the folds already soaked through the fabric of your underwear.
His touch is soft, but gains more weight as he sweeps slowly up, then brushes a thumb over the exact location of your clit.
"Oh–"
He knows what he's found, even without the evidence of your voiceless shake of a breath. He brushes another stroke over it, and it doesn't matter that you still have your undies on – you can feel his weight, the gentle pressure he applies as he draws a circle to usher another soft moan out of you.
"You like that?"
"Mhm," is the only thing you are able to answer.
"That's it…" he cheers you on with calm assurance. "Gonna make you feel good. And that's a promise."
You catch a hint of ego in that promise, but there's something else, too. A fervent devotion, a bottomless need to please you no matter what. The right man, definitely: not someone who is only after their own satisfaction. You don't exactly need the answer anymore, but you ask the final, burning question nonetheless.
"Simon?"
"Speak your mind, love."
"Are you disappointed…?"
He stops again, a breath away from you.
"Disappointed?" He sounds quite shocked, almost appalled. "...Disa–"
He huffs, then reaches to cup your face. You raise your eyes to his and see that he's…ardent, and very, very serious.
"Love, I'm honored."
You can only blink at the solemn vow, and he slowly shakes his head.
"Silly little thing…"
It's something he muses almost to himself before he drags his fingers over your sternum and down your stomach, reverently, like you're a piece of precious porcelain. But the heat in his eyes is back, and your fingers curl to grasp a fistful of sheet as his hand disappears underneath the cloth, when he finally touches you with nothing in between.
You suppose it's his middle finger that sweeps over your clit this time, then slips between your folds without effort. It coaxes your thighs open to give him better access, and access he has: he curls the finger until it almost dips inside. Your lips part with a quiet sigh as your chin climbs toward the ceiling.
"Look at that… All wet and sweet for me already."
The way you expose your neck is like an invitation: he buries his face in your neck, tries to drown in the scent and feel of you while gliding across the wetness down below. He spreads moisture on the tight bud, and you jerk a little from how sensitive it is – he huffs a smile in your ear. It makes you release the sheet and reach out to grasp him by the neck, to make him stay precisely where he is, close like this, so close…
"Do ya even know how bloody sweet you are?"
The last of your wits make a vanishing act as he breathes more praise on your skin. You're languid in his arms, feeling both weightless and heavy, like you're sinking into the mattress, and then his hand moves lower; one thick finger is plunged slowly inside.
Oh God oh God–
You feel him, all of him, filling and spreading you. And it's not enough… not nearly enough.
"We'll take it nice and slow, alright?" He whispers in your ear, and you tighten around him like on command. "Got all night to make a mess of you. That sound good?"
You can't help it: your lips draw into a smile when thinking about all the things he will do to you, all the sweet things you've always waited to happen.
"Yes."
#ghost x you#simon riley x you#ghost x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley fluff#simon riley imagine#ghost imagine#ghost fluff#is this too soft?#is there such a thing as too soft#omg I think I'm part of the Ghost babygirl crew now#i accept my fate#also no beta we die like men
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super confident!ellie x really bold and forward reader at a party and they’re both just bored and the more ellie talks to reader the more shes stumbling over her words by how quickly she responds to ellie’s lines and ellie knows she’s fucked bc she cant stop thinking about the girl that she fucked at the party yayyyyy
Rose - (ellie williams x reader)
hi anon! i had so many ideas for this, i might make a part 2 because yes or ill make a different version ughhhh...i hope you enjoy it<3
Pairing: ellie x fem!reader
requests are open! send me your silly thoughts
warnings: sexual themes
Summary: in which she cant forget you
authors note: i submitted my application, lets see if i get accepted because i will lose my mind if i don't
masterlist
The smell of weed was the first thing that reached Ellie's nose when she walked into the house.
Mid term exams has had her stressed and she's barley been out. Whoever said college would be easy, lied because she's never been this stressed.
She needed to blow off some steam and what better way is there than to get blackout out drunk and to fuck a random girl she'll never talk to again.
It was too early in the night to make a move. She need to wait for the straight girls to get drunk, and for the overly emotional girls to come her way.
She sat on a couch scanning the room. So many victims, so many options.
Who will be the lucky girl tonight?
"You know its gross to eye fuck innocent people?" she heard a voice talk next to her.
A small frown appeared on Ellie's face when she turned to you.
Holy shit, who are you?
Her eyes scanned your body.... fuck
Maybe you'd be the lucky one
You noticed her staring and you rolled your eyes before saying: "Take your pervert eyes off me"
Oh you were feisty.
Ellie never had a problem with women. Most of them threw themselves at her, all she needed to do was say a few words and give them a small smile and they'd be moaning her name minutes later.
She was confident that she'll get you too. She just needed to pull out all the stops when it came to you.
Ellie chuckled at your comment "I'm not a pervert, I'm just checking to make sure you don't have a weapon on you?" she joked.
"What weapon? My strap on?" You snorted.
oh.
Ellie wasn't expecting that.
"What's wrong? Cat got your tongue?" you teased at her sudden silence.
Ellie shook her head quickly gaining her composure.
"Has anyone ever told you that you were pretty?" She quickly tried changing the subject.
You hummed "quite a few... has anyone ever told you that you suck at flirting?"
Now this made her jaw drop.
You didn't giggle like she expected, you didn't give her a shy smile.
What the fuck is happening?
"You're boring" you state, you got up and left.
You left the Ellie Williams speechless.
The longer the night went on the more her mind drifted to you. Her mission of finding someone to fuck ended as soon as you came into the picture.
She wanted you. She was on a mission to find you. But between all the people grinding up against each other she thought that would be impossible.
"Hey there loser" she heard your voice she immediately turned to you.
"h-hey" did she just fucking stutter?
"Did you find someone to fuck yet?" you asked she shook her head.
"Maybe we can..." Ellie went silent, too shy to finish her sentence.
She made two scissors with her hands and she made a scissoring motion "you k-know.... me and you"
You laugh at her. You fucking laugh at her.
"Don't be pathetic, use your words"
Ellie felt humiliated. Why were you telling her what to do? Normally she was the one giving orders. Ellie decided that its time to switch roles. She wanted to be in charge.
"Well lets go to the bathroom and ill show you what i can do"
"so you're saying im some kind of cheap fuck?"
"N-no i mean... i meant like-"
"see fucking pathetic"
Ellie was sweating, her cheeks were tinted in a dark shade of pink.
What were you doing to her?
You gently took her hand "show me where your dorm is" was all you said.
The rest was a blur to her.
Lips passionately touching each other, clothes flying off, your fingers in her. A tiny rose tattoo on your left shoulder. She's never cum so hard in her life.
After tonight she knew you fucked her over.
No one had made her this nervous, no one has ever made her finish this hard, no one had ever made her this submissive.
Who are you?
Ellie groaned when she heard her alarm go off. She rolled over to the side of the bed you were laying on, but you weren't there.
She opened her eyes to a cold empty bed.
"Fuck" she sighed.
She never got your name, she doesn't have your number, she doesn't know anything about you.
The memory of you on top of her, you moaning was all she could think about.
Fuck, how she just forget that? How could she forget you?
The only thing she remembered was the rose tattoo on your left shoulder.
"Fuck rose who are you?"
<3
#ellie williams#ellie tlou2 x reader#ellie tlou#ellie the last of us#ellie tlou x reader#ellie williams blurb#ellie williams drabble#ellie williams fanfic#ellie williams fanfiction#ellie williams imagine#ellie smut#ellie#ellie and dina#ellie miller#ellie tlou2#ellie willams x reader#ellie williams angst#ellie williams core#ellie williams fan fic#ellie williams fic#ellie williams fluff#ellie williams one shot#ellie williams oneshot#ellie williams promlt#ellie williams smut#ellie williams the last of us#ellie williams tlou#ellie williams tlou2#ellie williams x fem reader#ellie williams x female reader
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the notebook theory (tsukishima kei x reader)
masterlist | ao3
Pairing: Tsukishima Kei x Reader
Summary: Kei has a cynical and jaded outlook on love. When his friend Tadashi figures out that Kei has feelings for you, Kei isn’t sure how to react. After all, love is not something he does but rather, something that happens to him.
"There’s a notebook that Kei likes on his desk. No matter what he does, nothing is good enough to put a permanent mark into the thing. Even if he used a pencil, Kei feels like the evidence of the mark would still be there even after erasing it, a molecular change that can’t be seen with the naked eye. Kei calls it the notebook theory.
He thinks that might be what’s happening to him. A molecular change, imperceivable to someone not looking at him under a microscope. It’s like his DNA is being rewritten and stitched together with bright pink yarn. He feels himself steadily come apart and come together. It’s uncomfortable, like trying to dream when he has a fever. Kei is nearly certain that you’re the reason."
Content Warnings: fem!reader (gender neutral pronouns), no real manga spoilers, slow burn, one-sided pining, angst, mentions of divorce and broken homes, toxic relationship (kei's parents), smut, fingering, oral (f!receiving and m!receiving), pinching, mentions of mark making, overstimulation (m!receiving), multiple orgasms, hair-pulling
Word Count: 24.8k
A/N: i know i spent forever working on this but it's finally done and while i have a lot of thoughts about it, idk rly what to say. anyway, here's my first attempt at a tsukishima long fic. also i already know that im not beating the tsukkiyama allegations, okay? i tried and failed to beat them okay i just think there is no way to put them in a situation without it being a little homoerotic bc.. they r them okay? anyway, i hope u enjoy and would love to hear ur thoughts <3
The morning comes without warning. Kei thinks he’s read that somewhere, though he’s just sure just where he saw it. He also thinks that whoever said that is right. Morning is always a harsh assault and never as gentle as people describe it to be.
Kei’s room, the one he rents at university, faces toward the east. In the mornings, when the sun peeks over the horizon, it shines directly into his room and onto his bed before creeping across the light wood floors. His blinds, as useful as they are, always let some through the cracks and the light cuts the ground like butter to a knife. Kei doesn’t think it feels half as romantic as it sounds.
The light works better than his alarm. No matter how set he is on sleeping in, he never fails to wake up as soon as those slats of light make their way across his bedspread. It wakes him like fever and he’s never quite as comfortable as he felt falling asleep. This morning is no different.
He rises like he always has, running a hand over his blonde hair and dragging it down his face after sitting up. Then, he stands once in an attempt to gather his bearings before sitting right back down on the edge of the bed. He fights the lingering remnants of sleep, feeling the ray of sunlight beat down on his back. Then, he reaches towards his glasses on the nightstand and slides them up the bridge of his long nose before standing up again once and for all.
Yamaguchi lives in the other room. His best friend since high school, perhaps his only real friend. They’d miraculously attended the same college and decided to room together, though his other friends from his youth aren’t too far. The arrangement managed to make it all the way until their fourth and final year. Living with each other has become par for the course.
Tadashi wakes up later than Kei does on most days, except for Tuesdays and Thursdays. On those days, he has an 8 am and is usually in the kitchen before Kei has even stood up for the first time. Today is a Wednesday, so Yamaguchi is asleep in his room. The morning light doesn’t wake him the same way it does Kei. His room faces west, so it isn’t until the mid-afternoon, when Tadashi is chased from his room by the afternoon rays and heat, that he notices the sun on its blinding conquest across the sky.
Kei’s room is clean and neat. There’s no clutter, no collection of items that don’t have a proper place. Everything is itemized and stored exactly where he intends for them to be. His floor is void of stray clothes, of socks he’d discarded the night before, his nightstand is bare and his desk is surprisingly empty save for one notebook sitting in its center. It’s a room that he could leave at any time, despite living here for nearly two years. If Kei chose to do so, he could pack his things and be gone in a day.
Yamaguchi’s room is different. It’s lived in and well worn. There’s clutter on the floor, socks and pants he’d taken and tossed away to be dealt with later. Certain things don’t have a place and end up living on semi-crowded surfaces filled with things he likes to put down as quickly as he’d picked them up. Kei envies that way of living. A non-temporary way. He envies the rug in Yamaguchi’s room and the way he fills the space with himself. Kei thinks that even after they’re long gone, future tenants would still be able to feel Tadashi’s presence.
To say that Kei is cynical would be accurate. He tends to lean more towards paranoia in his own strange way. He keeps things in order to quell the anxiety in it. Things stay where they are meant to be. As a result, he’s earned himself somewhat of an uptight attitude that makes Kei feel more awkward than relaxed even when he’s in his own spaces. Not that he minds it.
Tadashi’s dish from last night is sitting next to the sink. Kei moves around it as he fixes a tea, making an effort not to drag his feet across the floor because he hates the scuffing sound. Every now and then, the glass of his mug will clink against the cheap kitchen tile and Kei will cringe in some paranoid worry that it will wake his friend.
As he gathers his things to leave the quiet apartment, Kei wonders where his cynicism comes from. He’s sure he could pinpoint it if he tried. His parents divorce, his previous experiences with dating that have left him jaded, the holes that wore even in his most sturdy of sweaters. Inconsequential nothings that piled up until Kei had developed an undeniably cautious outlook on the world. To him, all of these things are the same. Like the morning, they’re intrusive and unsightly, but none is less important than the other.
Kei does have things he likes. Art, for one. He likes paintings, sculptures, little pieces of history, and all of the things people make with their hands that he could never do. Kei is hopeless at crafts. His fingers are lithe and long, but they’re clumsy and hard to control. Despite his need for order, Kei has trouble controlling his urges. The subtle twitches of his fingers always mess up whatever it is he’s trying to craft.
He likes writing best of all, specifically curatorial writing. It’s easy for him to pick which pieces belong together and how to organize them in a space, it suits his talent for compartmentalizing. Kei gets to tell a story that way, be it historical or artistic, sometimes both. The essays that his classmates find tedious, he finds relaxing despite the stress. For him, writing about art and history is a pleasure much like sipping tea that is the perfect temperature, unintrusive and natural.
By the time he arrives at the library, it’s nearly 9 am. He works better here, in the quiet section at a table hidden by three tall shelves of books. It’s almost never occupied and there are hardly ever people seated in the immediate area. Kei doesn’t go out of his way to avoid others, but he finds that if he doesn’t approach people, they often won’t approach him. He prefers things this way, it makes the good and bad people easier to weed out.
From this spot in the library, Kei can see where you usually set up shop for the day. You arrive after him by about 45 minutes and he convinces himself that it is always coincidental.
Strictly speaking, you’re Tadashi’s friend, not his. You’ve known each other for a little under a year and have been by the apartment a few times, but yours and his conversations are limited entirely to pleasantries. How are you? What are you working on? We’re graduating soon, huh? Casual conversation that Kei can weasel his way out of at any time. Like his room, it’s impermanent.
Kei has had the idea that nothing stays stuck in his head since middle school. The house he lived in when his parents were together, weekdays with his mother and weekends with his father, graduating seniors, the apartment he lives in now. To Kei, all of it is so temporary that he finds it difficult to get attached to it, not that he’s devoid of emotion. He quite loves the little things he has, but his grip on them is loose and half-hearted. Whatever leaves, Kei thinks is meant to leave, so he makes no effort to hold on.
It’s probably unfair to think of you that way, but Kei can’t really help it. He can’t change what he is. Besides, it’s not as if he doesn’t have a reason to think so. He’s often approached by people for his looks, people who want to get close because they think he’s tall and handsome, people who collect others like trophies. He’s not heartless, so he’s been hurt more than a few times. Kei thinks he owes it to himself to be cautious, not that you’ve done anything to earn that type of subtle hostility.
“Thought you might be here,” someone’s hand lands on his shoulder.
“Shit,” he groans, “is it that late already?”
Kei glances down at the watch on his wrist, reading the time as just past 10:45 am. He’s been here for an hour and 45 minutes and hasn’t gotten anything done. Tadashi pulls the chair next to him out and sits down, resting his chin on his hand.
“Spacing out?”
“A little,” Kei responds, tapping his pen against the table and turning back toward his book.
“Got something due?”
“Yeah, on Friday,” he exhales. “Haven’t started it yet though. You?”
“Nah,” Tadashi smiles. “I’m just chasing you around.”
“You’re like a girl with a crush.”
Tadashi shrugs and lets out a good natured laugh. It’s a little too loud for this part of the library, but Kei lets it slide, smiling with his friend.
Tadashi is the opposite of him, he thinks. He smiles often and says exactly what’s on his mind when it crosses it, even if it's a little mean. Tadashi used to be a follower, but in his final year of high school and university years, grew into someone befitting of his somewhat sunny and sarcastic personality. Thoughts and words come easily to him and he has no trouble vocalizing his joy or his disappointment.
Yamaguchi has freckles covering the entirety of his body. Kei knows this because he’s seen far more of Tadashi than he thinks he should have. His skin is tawny and warm like him. Kei finds himself looking at the ones on his hands as Yamaguchi begins to write in his notebook. Kei can’t read his handwriting because it’s terrible and he doesn’t much feel like working on his own project, so he watches his friend’s hand mark the page. Then, his gaze slinks across the library to you.
You’ve got your head down and look like you’re falling asleep despite it only being 11 in the morning. Your hand moves lazily across your computer keypad. By the time Kei realizes that you’ve spotted him staring, it’s too late to look away. His gaze was too intentional, so he smiles at you instead, nodding his head a little.
You smile and wave, standing from where you sit and collecting your things. They fill up your arms because you don’t bother to put them in your bag, making your way clumsily across the room and setting your stuff down across from him.
“Hi, Tsukishima,” you smile. “Hi, Tadashi.”
You use his friend’s given name and Kei feels a pang of jealousy hit his chest.
“How long have you been here? I didn’t see you,” you ask, settling into the seat across from Kei.
“I just got here,” Tadashi smiles, looking up from his notes. “He’s been here for a while though.”
Tadashi motions towards him.
“Aw, why didn’t you say hi?”
“You seemed busy,” Kei lies.
You pout, filling your mouth with air. “Next time just come say hi, ‘kay?”
“Sure,” Kei nods.
Tadashi tosses him a sideways glance and Kei shrugs it off. He’s not interested in being teased this morning, though when is he ever.
Kei doesn’t like the way you make him feel. When you’re around, he becomes prickly. It sets Kei on edge in a way that he hates. His world, previously so rigid and organized, quickly begins to feel cluttered and structureless.
You make his heart pound. You make it hammer against his chest so hard that he can feel it in his ears and behind his eyes. It goes all the way down to his already-hard-to-control fingertips and the tops of his thighs. A previously pastel colored world goes vibrantly candy-colored like it’s been plunged in saturating liquid. He nevers knows how to hold himself, never knows how to act natural. What does it mean to act natural, anyway? How should he rest his hands on the desk? Would it be weird to lace them together? Does he look as stiff as he feels? It’s entirely possible that he is suffering a massive heart attack.
You whisper across the table to Tadashi, leaning forward and laughing at something he’s written in his notebook. You can read his handwriting, something Kei is equally jealous about as he is angry. Kei just watches your conversation, unable to really listen into it on account of the stroke that he thinks he’s having.
The three of you stay like this for a while, earning the occasional irritated whisper or dirty look from some of the more studious people in the library. Kei pretends to ignore them, remaining quiet throughout the duration of your study session with Tadashi. His quiet corner is invaded and painted bright pink with your presence and he doesn’t know whether to feel giddy or irrationally angry. Maybe it’s both.
“Crap, is that the time?” Tadashi exclaims, hunching over himself when someone nearby shushes him. “I’ve got class across campus in 10 minutes.”
He hurriedly collects his things. Tadashi does it so fast, in fact, that Kei hardly has time to beg him not to leave him alone with you. So he just watches as Tadashi throws his things clumsily into his bag and tosses it over his shoulder.
“Bye, ___,” he says in a rushed whisper. “I’ll see you at home, Kei!”
“Sure,” is all that Kei can muster. His voice cracks when he says it and he immediately avoids looking at you and stares at nothing in particular in his textbook.
It’s quiet for a while. Kei pretends to busy himself by glancing between his textbook and his computer and you sit with your head bowed as you take notes on a lecture you’re listening to through the single earbud in your right ear. Then, you tap the end of your pen lightly on Kei’s notebook to get his attention.
It’s only been about 10 minutes since Tadashi left, but the library now feels like an entirely different place. His heart pounds as he struggles to keep a straight face.
When he looks up, you’re looking at him with a tilted head. Your expression is soft and unintrusive, friendly but a bit guarded. You smile softly at him.
“You don’t like me very much, do you?” You ask gently. It doesn’t sound accusatory, but rather a casual statement tinged with friendliness.
“Huh?” Blood rushes into his ears.
“I just kinda get the impression that you’re uncomfortable around me,” you say. “Am I wrong?”
“Uh, no- it’s not that I don’t like you.”
He’s quick to correct you and he feels heat rush to his cheeks.
“Then what?” you question lightly. There’s no ulterior motive behind your smile, Kei can tell, but your openness makes him uneasy.
“I dunno,” he calms himself a little. “I don’t really know how to act around you, I guess.”
You laugh, leaning back into your chair. “Is that all?”
“Well, yeah…” he feels awkward and his palms are sweaty. He drops them below the table to wipe them. “You’re Tadashi’s friend and I’m pretty different from him so I just…” He trails off, shrugging his shoulders.
“I was worried you hated me,” you smile, chuckling to yourself.
“That’s definitely not it,” he loosens a little, smiling lightly despite the thudding of his heart. It slows down steadily.
“I’m your friend too, ya know?”
“That so?”
“Well, yeah,” you shrug and lean all the way back, crossing your arms. “I just kinda figured that we would be.”
“Friends?” His tongue feels heavy in his mouth. His word placement is awkward.
“Duh,” you laugh a little. “You know, you don’t have to speak formally with me.”
“That’s just the way I am,” he huffs at being read.
“Well, you can drop them with me. I don’t mind.”
“Tall order,” he snorts.
You tilt your head to the side. “Did you just make a joke?”
“Uh, yeah…”
“Funny,” you smile. “What are you studying?”
“It’s not really studying…” he says, glancing down at the near empty document. “I’m supposed to be writing an essay I have due on Friday. Not going well.”
He looks up at you through his lashes. You’re leaning forward across the table now, your chin angled upward as you try and peek at what’s on his screen. He turns it so that you can see better.
“Baroque art?” You read aloud. “Oh yeah, Tadashi mentioned that you’re an art history major. Do you draw too?”
“No,” he scoffs. “I’m hopeless at it, but I like art. It’s nice to look at.”
“Huh, you look like you’d be good at drawing,” you say.
“What’s that mean?”
“I dunno, like a manga author or something,” you shrug. “You’ve got nice hands too. Like an artist.”
“Manga?” He laughs a little, trying to play off the color he feels rushing to his face from the compliment.
“Yeah, you look like the manga type.”
“Is it the glasses?” He raises an eyebrow.
“Maybe,” you laugh.
Kei looks down at his hands. They’re big, like the rest of him, and his knuckles are thin. He’s hyper-aware of them now that you’ve complimented them. He studies them briefly, following the barely visible veins up the back of them, following the line of his fingers to his nails. They’re trimmed and somewhat well kept, save for the spots that he tends to bite at when he lays in bed at night. His hands look nothing like Tadashi’s. Tadashi’s fingers are thick and his nails are short on account of him biting them. Kei wonders if you prefer them to his.
—
There’s a notebook that Kei likes on his desk. It’s only a bit bigger than his fist—a little thing, really—and it’s completely blank. Kei’s never written anything down in it, nothing has ever really been worth sullying the thing. It’s got brown fabric binding and a semi-thick cover. It’s malleable, but not so flimsy that he’d need a desk to write in it.
Kei’s not too sure why he bought it in the first place. Maybe he liked the size of it, small enough to fit in his pocket, but not so small as to be ridiculous. It’s practical, much like he is. He’s considered turning it into a daily planner and putting to-do lists in it, but Kei isn’t much of a list guy, it’s Tadashi that likes making lists. Nothing has ever really felt like it suits the book. He’s considered journaling in it, but his life is one big routine and he doesn’t think there’s anything worth writing about.
No matter what he does, nothing is good enough to put a permanent mark into the thing. Even if he used a pencil, Kei feels like the evidence of the mark would still be there even after erasing it, a molecular change that can’t be seen with the naked eye. Kei calls it the notebook theory.
He thinks that might be what’s happening to him. A molecular change, imperceivable to someone not looking at him under a microscope. It’s like his DNA is being rewritten and stitched together with bright pink yarn. He feels himself steadily come apart and come together. It’s uncomfortable, like trying to dream when he has a fever.
Kei is nearly certain that you’re the reason, not that he’s about to admit to anyone else that he likes you. Tadashi managed to weasel it out of him, though he didn’t really have to ask. In fact, it was less of an admittance to Kei than it was confirmation of his own feelings. If Tadashi can tell that he likes you, then he must.
People seem to know things about Kei before he even knows them himself. At least, that’s how it seems. He’s always confronted with his own feelings by other people, not that they’re really ever wrong, but it seems everyone catches onto what he’s feeling rather quickly. He’s not too sure why that is, maybe he’s just obvious and hasn’t realized it.
Come to think of it, when Tadashi had confronted Kei about his feelings for you, he’d been deeply annoying about it. Kei couldn’t even try to deny it because Tadashi had come out with his guns blazing, cornering him in the living room and throwing facts about you at him until his face was beet red with embarrassment. Then, with a serious frown on his face, he’d simply stated you like them and that was the end of it. Kei couldn’t even deny it. Even he knew that it read plainly in his expression.
To be frank, it sucks being told in plain speech how he feels about someone. Whenever that happens, it makes Kei feel like he’ll never be able to keep another secret in his life. Sometimes, he wishes that he was able to make the decision to tell someone else on his own, but even Kei knows that that is a little beyond him. Kei can think the feelings just fine, but when it comes to speaking them aloud, he seems to have a padlock around his throat.
Tadashi knows this about him and if it weren’t for him, Kei would have agonized far longer and far worse over certain situations of emotional turmoil. Most of the time, Tadashi gets it without needing to ask or say anything. It’s nice to have someone understand him in that way, even if it does mean he can’t keep a secret to save his life.
Feelings lately make Kei a little angry. He’s always known that he’s had somewhat of a sour personality. Kei doesn’t need to be told that he’s smug to know that he is. He’s snarky and usually touchy, picky about the people that he hangs out with. It’s not really a secret that Kei is a hard person to get along with, but lately, he feels like it’s been worse.
Maybe it’s because this is new territory to him. As conceited as it sounds, Kei has never liked someone first. It’s not because he doesn’t think anyone is worthy, but rather, because there are very few people he doesn’t find grating. Despite how he seems, Kei is incredibly sensitive about things, so naturally, it’s easier to get on his nerves.
He’s dated before, though not for long, and all of his relationships have started the same way. Kei is approached by them, usually on the premise of looks, and he accepts. He’s not sure why he does. Sometimes it’s because he thinks they’re pretty, other times it’s because the romantic in him hopes that it will actually work out. It never has.
Most of the time, Kei turns out to be different than they expected. He’s too touchy, too sarcastic, too awkward in his way of trying to love. To Kei, it has always felt like it’s ended just as he was beginning to develop real feelings.
If he’s being honest, it’s given him a twisted inferiority complex. He’s worried that somehow, on a fundamental level, he’s not enough. Sometimes, it even goes so far as for Kei to think that he’s just generally disappointing. He tries not to be. Kei wants to be relied on. He wants to be someone his friends can go to when they need something sturdy.
Despite his personality, Kei considers himself sturdy. Well, maybe stubborn is a better word. Kei considers himself stubborn enough to be made sturdy. He’s just a little awkward. That’s all. People seem to mistake that for being unreliable. It’s a peeve of Kei’s.
Tadashi isn’t like that. Tadashi is bright and warm, reliable in every sense of the word. Kei actually looks up to him a lot, not that he’d ever say anything like that to his face. Sure, Tadashi’s not perfect, but at least people rely on him. At least Kei relies on him.
Tadashi is more easy going than Kei is. He has an easier time going with the flow, which makes him more personable. Kei thinks that Tadashi is the closest thing that he’s had to a better half. In truth, without Tadashi around, Kei isn’t exactly sure what would have become of him.
It’s pointless thinking about these sorts of things though. Kei realized a long time ago that thinking about being better won’t automatically make him better. This is just the way he is and Kei’s learned to accept that, whatever it means. Still, none of this changes the fact that he likes you.
Kei could mull over thought after thought and he doesn’t think it would have any effect on the fact that he’s definitely developed a crush. He’s positive it will go away. In fact, he’s not even sure if it’s real. Maybe Kei is just jealous of you the same way he’s jealous of Tadashi. You’re bright and warm like he is. You and Tadashi are cut from the same cloth, so maybe that’s why the two of you get along so well.
In all honesty, Kei wishes he could be a little more like Tadashi for that reason. Maybe if he were more like Tadashi, he’d have the courage to fully accept these new and uncertain feelings for what they are. But he doesn’t have that kind of courage, not right now at least. He doesn’t have the courage to solidify and lean into his feelings. Kei doesn’t want to risk what little comfort and security he has. If the relationship between you both is a blank page, Kei doesn’t have anything important to write. What if it ruins the paper? What if when he erases it, it changes the thing on a molecular level for the worse? The notebook theory.
—
Despite everything, Kei is rather self-aware. At least in his own head he is. Kei knows that when he pretends he doesn’t like you, he really ends up liking you more. He knows that he’s touchy, that he’s awkward, that he comes across more crass than he intends to. Kei is clumsy, not stupid. That doesn’t mean that he has to acknowledge it.
You’ve been coming around more often since the conversation Kei had with you in the library. Maybe you’re more comfortable now knowing that he doesn’t hate you, so you’re happier to join Tadashi in their shared apartment.
Kei feels bad about making you think that he hates you. Actually, he feels really bad about it. Like, astronomically bad about it. Embarrassingly enough, it actually keeps him up at night. So he goes out of his way to be a little nicer to you. The only other person he’s ever done that for is Tadashi.
He greets you properly when you pass, despite the flare up of a medical condition he’s yet to fully diagnose brought on by your presence. He asks you questions about your studies, partially because he is genuinely curious and partially because he doesn’t want you to hate him. He thinks he’d die if you hated him. Kei’s being brave in his own way. It’s little, but he’s doing it.
As a result, the two of you have grown a little closer. Kei has your phone number now, though he rarely has any reason to text you. Typing out a message to you makes him nervous. It makes him red in the face when you’re not even there. Somehow, having your phone number feels vulnerable to him, like he has access to you whenever he wants and you him. It means that if you wanted, you could make him nervous without even being nearby. That’s a lot for Kei to think about.
Kei sees you in the library sometimes too, but he never takes the initiative to speak to you. You always come up to him first, clumsily gathering your things the way you did the day you and him sorted out your friendship and plopping them down in front of him.
Sometimes, you both go several hours without saying anything to each other. Other times, you’ll chat away about something while leaning forward on the desk and Kei has to pretend that he’s not wildly nervous at your proximity. You’re so friendly. So genuinely warm that Kei can physically feel it when you talk. Despite his nerves, Kei would describe you as comfortable. You’re a comfortable person to him, as alarming as that is.
His crush is out of hand. It scares him, not that he’s actively thought about that. What started as him noticing you has quickly ballooned into him being painfully aware of you at all times. He kind of feels bad about it. You don’t seem to think that he’s anything more than a friend and it makes Kei feel bad that he thinks of you as anything but that. He doesn’t want you to be just a crush to him. Kei wants you to be like Tadashi, someone he can rely on and be comfortable with. He almost feels like he’s reversed what’s been done to him his whole life, like somehow he’s only become your friend because he wants something more.
Truth is though, he doesn’t want anything more. Kei wants to stay exactly where he is. He doesn’t want his crush to develop any further. He doesn’t want to confess, he wants to forget. Even now, sitting on a couch in the library, he wants to imagine he doesn’t feel anything at all for you.
“Hey, are you okay?” You tilt your head at him.
“Huh? Me?” He questions. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“You seem a little distracted,” you smile. “You’ve been staring at your computer for like… 10 minutes with this blank look on your face.”
“You’ve been staring at me for 10 minutes?” He raises an eyebrow, trying to play off the embarrassment of being caught like that.
“Not staring at you,” you huff, “but I definitely noticed.”
“Ha, creep,” he tilts his head up a little, blowing air out of his nose.
“You’re twisted, you know?”
“Whatever,” he shrugs his shoulders and looks back at his computer screen. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees you shake your head and smile before looking down at your work.
Tadashi has said the same exact thing to him before. In highschool, after Kei had made a joke about his teammate Hinata’s height, Tadashi had given him a look and snorted that he’s so twisted. He’s been hearing that sort of thing his entire life.
“Hey, are you cool if I skip out of here early?” You ask a few moments later.
“Oh, yeah sure. I don’t mind,” he nods, hiding his disappointment. “I didn’t realize that we had like… set times to be here.”
You laugh lightly. “Well, we don’t, but we tend to come and go at the same time, no? I kinda look forward to it.”
Kei envies your honesty. You’re so honest all of the time. You say what you feel when it pops into your head. He wishes he could be like that, maybe then he would be able to say that he does too. Instead, he just nods and swallows his heart back down. You smile at him again and then gather your things.
“You’ll be home on Friday night, right?”
“Uhm, yeah? Why?”
“Tadashi invited me and a few friends over, did he tell you?”
“I think he mentioned it.” Kei has actually been thinking about it for the last couple days.
“Good, I’ll see you, right?”
“Yeah, you will.”
“Great, talk to you later then!” You smile and with that, you walk away.
You sounded so certain in that statement. Talk to you later. You said it like it was inevitable. Thinking about that, Kei can’t help but watch you go. He even likes looking at the back of you, though he wishes he could see your face too. It feels worse to be walked away from than walked towards.
Kei can’t tell anymore if what he feels is romance or jealousy. It’s probably both. It’s probably some mix of the two that he can’t quite sort out. He wishes it weren’t that way. Kei gets the feeling that he might be ruined.
So he just watched you leave the library. Someone is waiting for you at the top of the stairwell. Kei can tell they’re a guy and despite the reluctance of his feelings, his stomach drops anyway when you nudge his shoulder with yours and loop your arm around his. That’s something you haven’t done to Kei before. Touch him. You touch this other person so easily. It makes Kei jealous.
It makes sense that you might be seeing someone, that there might be someone else. After all, you’re you. Desirable. You look up at the stranger, leaning on him, smiling and flashing your teeth. Yeah, it makes sense.
Turns out, it’s easier to pretend that he doesn’t feel anything when he thinks you’re interested in someone else. He likes to think it will save him the time of wondering.
—
Kei has cleaned his room approximately four times today. Sure, it’s overboard, but every time he goes into it, he notices something else that needs to be spruced up. Like a pot with a leak, there is always something that he seemed to miss the last time he went through and cleaned up.
It’s not like you’ll be in his room tonight anyway, but you will be in his apartment and that’s close enough to his room that he, for whatever reason, needs to make it so spotless that it looks like a set. Kei knows though, that even when you’re here, he’ll be wondering if there’s something else that he missed beyond the closed door and he’ll think about it incessantly.
He’s been avoiding the thought of him liking you. Instead, Kei cleans and cleans and then cleans some more for good measure. It’s not like he has any sort of claim on you and he knows that it’s stupid to feel jealous over one interaction he witnessed by chance, but his mind is running away with him. Was that person your boyfriend? Has he been begrudgingly pining over a taken person all these months? Do you think that he’s creepy because of it?
He doesn’t get to be upset over the idea that you’re seeing someone else. Why wouldn’t you be? Kei’s done absolutely nothing to indicate his interest in you (or lack thereof), besides maybe telling you that he doesn’t hate you. He has no right to feel the way he does, but he spirals anyway. His insecurities, the ones that gnaw at him in the hours before he falls asleep, play in a constant loop in his head. His unreliability, his unpleasant personality, his cynicism, the baggage he carries with him like a badge. All of it piles up one by one.
Kei feels like a kid again, losing himself over such a simple interaction, over something so miniscule that it might not even be considered anything at all. There are a plethora of reasons for his feeling like this and Kei thinks he could draw one of his issues out of a hat and it would still somehow address the situation at hand, but all he really feels is hurt and he doesn’t want to explain it away. Kei finds that liking someone hurts. It hurts more than it feels good and the uncertainty chews at his patience and leaves it razor thin. It’s not your fault, nor is it the person Kei’s convinced himself you’re seeing, but he needs someone to blame and it can’t be himself.
The idea of you relying on someone else makes him nauseous. He’d never considered the thought before, that you find him as unreliable as others do. Kei wants to be relied on, most of all by you, and that fact makes him upset. He’s afraid of what you think of him and without the confidence to accept his feelings, it threatens to crush him.
Kei’s got this itch over it, so he tries to distract himself. Cleaning his space to prepare for you helps him delude himself that he doesn’t quite like you at all. It’s not your fault. He’s just confused, like his parents were when they married each other. It hurts. Like they were when they had him to try and fix their marriage, which had started to fall apart even when Akiteru was an only child. He’s confused. He’s jealous over your ability to live the way Kei has always wanted to. That’s all this is. Nothing more and nothing less. He feels like he’s being split in two, stretched thin between two modes of thinking.
Kei glances over his shoulder and into his room one last time. He’s forgotten to wipe the mirror. He goes back in and the cycle starts itself over.
—
He’s not proud of his behavior. Kei thinks only a seriously huge asshole would be proud of the kind of behavior he displayed tonight. He regrets it immensely, though some part of him is begrudgingly holding onto the idea that maybe he was right to be so short tempered. Of course, that’s a lunatic’s idea.
Tadashi is standing by the apartment door, mumbling something to you behind it. Over Tadashi’s shoulder, he sees you shake your head and in response, Tadashi gives a small bow before shutting the door to the shared apartment. Then, Tadashi turns and walks towards him.
Kei doesn’t want to look at him, but Tadashi, for some reason, commands his gaze.
“Is there a reason you were such a huge cunt tonight?” Tadashi sort of spits the words. They land at Kei’s feet and roll around before settling.
“What are you talking about? I was normal,” he answers, though the statement sounds like a lie the moment it leaves his lips.
“Bullshit,” Tadashi says. “You were being an asshole the second they walked through the door and you’ve been one to me all day.”
Kei scoffs, his cheeks burning, “I’ve just been tired, dude. Besides, what does it matter? You’re closer to all of them than I am.”
“What? You’re tired so you just get to be a huge asshole?”
“No,” Kei responds.
“So then what was that?”
Kei doesn’t really know. He doesn’t know what prompted him to act so cold or make such snide comments. It’s true, he’d been in a bad mood all day and he knows that Tadashi has borne the brunt of his misplaced emotions, but even Kei is confused as to why he’d acted the way he did. Still though, there is a part of him that knows that it was connected to his spiraling and what he saw in the library. He’d sound insane if he said it out loud, like somehow his growth was stunted in the third grade, but Kei is sure it had something to do with liking you and the hurt that comes with it.
It’s not as if he’d been outwardly mean, but he had been cold. There are parts of himself that Kei doesn’t want you to see, sections of his personality that he ropes off from you because despite not liking you, he wants you to see the best in him. Tonight, he managed to somehow show off the worst.
It started with the noise when everyone had arrived. You, Hinata, Kageyama, Tanaka, Kiyoko, and Yachi had all piled into the apartment in one large group. Kei’d been sitting on the couch and the sound of the door startled him right off the bat. He assumed that by the time they all had rounded the corner into the living room, his face was already sour, because everyone had greeted him cautiously.
It’s no surprise that everyone was so loud. Kei has known this particular group for many years and they, having all gone to school or work nearby, pile into his apartment often for events like these. You were really the only new factor in all of it and while Kei is known as a touchy person, he certainly was more touchy than usual tonight.
You’d been trying to talk to him all evening and Kei, in a desperate attempt to avoid whatever lingering feelings he had for you, had been shutting you down at every turn. Thinking back on it, he’s endlessly embarrassed. You didn’t deserve that. You’d been nothing but kind to him and there Kei was holding a grudge over you for something he had no right to be angry about whatsoever. He had been holding a grudge over something that he’d learned later that evening that wasn’t even true.
Kei thinks that what Tadashi is referring to, was deliberately picking a fight with Tanaka. Kei and Tanaka have never been particularly close. Even in high school, his boisterous and somewhat obnoxious personality has always rubbed Kei the wrong way. Despite that, Tanaka has somehow managed to maintain a connection to him through university and the two of them have established a tentative but honest friendship.
You had been sitting on the arm of the couch beside Tanaka, leaning over him to look at something he was showing you on his phone. Then, you laughed a little too hard and Kei felt that familiar sense of injustice rise to his throat, thick and heavy. It’s an ugly feeling, the kind that makes Kei feel sick when he’s in bed late at night. Bile rose in his throat in the form of harsh words. Jealousy in the form of the verbal venom Kei excels at.
For Kei, Tanaka was an easy target, someone he could poke at and get a satisfying rise out of. In the moment, the rise he’d gotten from Tanaka by making snide comments about the volume of his voice and his particular obsession with pretty girls had been exactly that, satisfying.
He’d picked a small fight. Nothing physical, but just enough to get him irritated. Kei’s not proud of it, but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t done it deliberately. After all, Tanaka has never been the type to be the bigger person and turn his nose up.
Sometimes, when Kei is experiencing emotions he’d rather not deal with, he decides to obsess over one single thing. Usually, it’s cleaning or schoolwork. Tonight, it happened to be the volume of Tanaka’s voice, which he knows was a shitty thing to do. Despite wanting to be reliable, Kei can’t help but feel that he was endlessly immature, lashing out at someone completely unrelated to the situation just because he could.
Tadashi pulls him from his thoughts.
“I thought you liked them, dude,” his voice is even, letting up on the anger.
“Who?” Kei plays dumb.
Tadashi responds with your name and Kei stiffens slightly. “I thought you guys had gotten closer. What happened?”
“Nothing happened,” Kei says. It’s the truth. Absolutely nothing happened. Kei had spiraled all on his own.
“Why did you ignore them then?”
“I didn’t ignore them,” Kei says. Again, it’s not a lie. He may have shut conversations down and been a little cold, but Kei couldn’t ignore you if he tried, it’s sort of the whole problem he’s dealing with now.
“Maybe, but you were cold. Like… needlessly.”
“I was fucking normal, Tadashi. You should know me well enough by now to know that,” Kei spits.
“That’s the problem though, isn’t it? I know you and I know that shit wasn’t normal. You’re twisted, but you’re not an outright asshole, Kei. What’s going on?”
“I was normal, Tadashi. Just because I didn’t bounce around or get rowdy, doesn’t mean that something is wrong,” Kei answers.
“Yeah, but you were like… majorly fucking weird, Kei. You were being an asshole. Don’t you like them? Don’t you want to be nice to them?”
“I don’t.”
“You don’t want to be nice to them?” Tadashi scoffs, rolling his eyes.
“No, not that. I don’t like them like that anymore,” Kei lies.
“Oh please, that’s such horseshit,” Tadashi laughs bitterly.
“Get off my ass, Tadashi. I don’t fucking feel that way about them anymore,” Kei insists.
“Did something happen?”
“No, literally nothing happened! Why does something have to happen? I just don’t like them,” Kei feels himself getting indignant. Tadashi doesn’t deserve this either, but he seems to be indiscriminate with his poor behavior tonight.
Tadashi looks at Kei for a moment, studying him and calculating all of the things only Tadashi could know about him. Kei tries to hide it.
“Jesus, Kei, you’ve got to stop doing this shit,” Tadashi touches his hand to his forehead.
“Doing what?”
“Getting all in your head about every single connection you’ve ever had with a person,” Tadashi raises his voice.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means I’ve seen you do this a million times! You start to really feel something for a person and then you fucking back away like a dog with its tail between its legs!”
“I don’t do that!”
“Yes, you do! You sabotage yourself until the other person is forced to do something about it!” Tadashi exhales.
“I’ve never done that deliberately! What does someone else’s actions have to do with me?”
“It doesn’t have to do with you,” Tadashi says, “It has to do with your parents.”
The wind is knocked out of Kei, air sucked from his lungs. He furrows his eyebrows at Tadashi, his mouth slightly open.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” Tadashi pushes, angry and trying to make him listen. “Not every relationship is like your parents’, Kei.”
Tadashi knows he’s stepped over the line the moment he says it. If it hadn’t registered before, it registers clearly on his face now, regret settling over Tadashi’s usually bright features. Kei gapes at him for a moment, running through his thoughts and trying to pick out one that best verbalizes what it is he feels. Kei comes up empty.
“Shit-” Tadashi starts towards him. “Kei, I’m sorry I didn’t mean that. I’m just pissed off I didn’t mean to-”
Kei pushes past him. “Tadashi, I know you mean well, but don’t try to tell me about my fucking parents.”
Tadashi doesn’t try to stop him when Kei flings the front door open and walks outside.
—
Kei remembers it like it was yesterday. He remembers all of it.
He can clearly recall the way shattered glass looked on the marble tiles of his childhood home. White porcelain, broken up into multitudes by his mother and father. They never laid hands on each other, but everything else in the house was fair game. Kei’s lost count of the amount of broken glass dishes and picture frames he’d swept from the floor.
Kei’s parents had always been on and off in their affection for each other. One minute, they were deeply in love and the next, they were at each other’s throats. Neither of them were bad people, but they made each other bad people. The two of them brought out the worst in each other, maybe on account of knowing the other so well.
Akiteru was an accident. His brother knows this because when his parents argued, they never let him forget it. In their spats, leverage was whatever they could get their hands on, and that just happened to be Akiteru and the unfortunate circumstances of an accidental pregnancy.
His parents got married at 19, thinking that they’d be able to handle a child, that their marriage was anything but rushed. They convinced themselves that it was love, when the reality was that Akiteru came because they were too young and stupid to prevent it. At least, that’s what Kei and Akiteru had settled on in the evenings after the yelling had died down and they were left to make sense of it in their shared bedroom.
They had Kei to fix the marriage. Kei knows this because, like Akiteru, his father’s marital “solution” in the form of a second child was constant leverage to his mother. Kei grew up asking Akiteru why his mother and father even had children in the first place.
Their relationship was rocky and unstable, predictable and toxic. They, like Kei, would do things to get rises out of each other. They’d make digs, do things to get under the other’s skin. They did it for attention, for affection, or out of loathing for the person they’d decided to make their life partner. When things settled, they got bored. His parents often mistakened calmness for complacency in their relationship. His parents loved each other, but they hated each other just as much, and it was he and Akiteru who paid the price.
They got divorced when he was fourteen and any chance of Kei having a normal family went to the courthouse with the divorce papers. Akiteru was 20 at the time and managed to avoid the brunt of the custody battle. Kei still gets unexplainably angry with Akiteru for leaving him alone, though he knows that it’s not his fault. The only way Kei could make sense of it was through blame and it was easier to blame Akiteru for lying about volleyball or leaving him alone than it was to blame himself. Both Kei’s father and mother tried for full custody, not because they loved him that much, but because they knew that it would destroy the other. In the end, Kei spent his weekdays with his mother because she lived closer to his school, and weekends with his father just because.
It happens all the time. People grow together, then grow apart, and grow to loathe each other. Kei watched it happen to his parents, he watched it happen to his friends, he watched it happen to himself with his own reflection. That’s just the way it goes.
The air outside of his apartment is cool and breezy. He can feel the wind through his sweater, cutting through the gaps in the stitching and into his skin. Kei feels like he can think a little better out here, sitting on the short concrete wall with his back to the apartment building. He stares at his feet, outstretched in front of him. He's still wearing his house slippers.
Kei did this once when he was younger. The fight that night had been particularly bad and his parents had resulted to throwing things across their bedroom. Kei could hear picture frames shatter through two walls and he wondered which memories they’d decided to trash. A particularly loud shout had sent Kei out of the front door and onto the curb in front of the house.
He remembers crying, staring at his house slippers on the pavement, afraid because he could hear the shouting even from the lawn. Akiteru had come out to get him, sitting down beside him on the curb and putting his arm around him.
“Are mom and dad gonna get divorced?” Kei had asked through sniffles.
“Divorced? No, no,” Akiteru answered. “It’s just a rough patch. It happens to all couples. Mommy and Daddy will be fine.”
“It’s normal?” Kei sniffled.
Akiteru paused for a moment. Looking back, Kei realizes that Akiteru was debating on whether or not to lie to protect him. Kei wishes he hadn’t.
“Yeah, it’s normal.”
Normal. Kei realizes that he doesn’t exactly know what a normal relationship looks like. He is his parents' son. What they had in them, he has in him. Kei knows that those habits, the digs, the sour statements, the passive aggressiveness, are all things he’s picked up from watching them. Some role models they were.
He needs to apologize to Tadashi. He may have overstepped, but Kei knows that he’d been an asshole tonight. He’ll need to apologize to Tanaka as well. And to you, which is perhaps the scariest part of this. He wants to apologize for his behavior, but apologizing means that he has to admit that he’d acted the way his parents did, out of jealousy and a pull for attention. Yup, he’s his parents’ son alright.
Kei tilts his head up toward the sky. Only half of it is visible, the other half blocked by the three story apartment complex directly behind him. It’s a clear night, but he can’t see any stars and the moon is nowhere to be found. Kei wonders when the morning will come. It’s a few hours off, but he thinks about how the sky will look when the sun begins to rise.
“Kei,” a familiar voice calls from in front of him.
You’re a few feet away, your hands clasped in front of you.
“Thought you went home,” he says.
“Yeah well, I had intended to,” you start, “but you seemed off and I felt weird going back without checking on you. Can I sit?”
Kei shrugs his shoulders, mortified and angry at being caught like this. He appreciates the thought, but you’re the last person he wants to see right now. It just means he needs to face his shortcomings sooner.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Kei answers automatically.
“Just decided on some fresh air?” You smile a little and Kei blows air out of his nose.
“Yup, that’s exactly it.”
You sit next to him with your legs outstretched the same way his are, your hands are laced together in front of you, hanging down between your thighs. Kei doesn’t make an effort to say anything and neither do you. Instead, he just trains his head back up towards the sky and attempts to collect his thoughts, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.
Strangely, tonight he doesn’t feel nervous. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t have the energy to. Maybe he’s too preoccupied with being sorry to pay any mind to the heart palpitations he gets when you’re around. Maybe it’s because even though he showed you the worst of him tonight, you still came back. It’s a small hope, but it’s there.
“Hey,” your voice comes quietly, “I don’t know what’s going on, but if you need- I mean- if you want to talk about it, I’m a pretty good ear.”
Kei nods a little.
“I’m sorry,” he says, “about tonight.”
“I didn’t come here for an apology, you know?” You exhale a little.
“Yeah, but you deserve one,” he says. “I was pretty shitty to you.”
“Yeah, you were,” you agree, catching Kei off guard, “but it happens to all of us. Sometimes we feel things and just can’t keep them inside, you know?”
“Yeah,” he agrees, swallowing down his shame.
There’s another long silence. You don’t move to touch him or talk to him, instead, you provide steady company. Kei, as strange as it is, is comforted by your presence.
“I fought with Tadashi,” Kei says after a few minutes.
“Today?”
“Yeah, tonight. After everyone left,” he says. “I deserved it though. I’ve been pretty shitty to him all day.”
You hum, leaning back on your hands.
“I did the same shit in high school too, you know?” Kei starts. “We’ve uhm- we’ve known each other for a while, the group that was over tonight. Around the end of middle school some shit happened and I uh- I took out a lot of what I was feeling on Tadashi and the others, but mostly Tadashi because he was the only one who knew.”
Kei isn’t sure why he’s telling you this. Maybe Tadashi was right. Maybe this is another attempt at self sabotage.
“You bullied him?” You ask, a little surprised.
Kei shakes his head. “No, but I wasn’t very nice either. Anyone could tell you that. I thought I was past it, though,” he admits, a little defeated.
“Did you ever apologize?”
Kei looks up at you in surprise. Your eyes are full of something, curiosity, maybe pity.
“For what you did in school?”
He nods. “Countless times, and not just to Tadashi either, to everyone.”
“You know, stuff like this happens,” you say. “When I was little, I used to hate sharing. Toys, food, friends. I’d hate it when my friends were friends with other people. It made me insecure and I’d get mad at them for it. I grew out of it, but sometimes I still get that way and I have to apologize later.”
Kei laughs. It’s strikingly similar to what’s happening now, not that you’d have any way of knowing.
“I can’t imagine you doing that,” he says.
“I’m serious,” you say. “I still get weird over it sometimes.”
Kei shakes his head a little, smiling.
“All that I’m saying is that sometimes we slip up, that’s all. It’s normal,” you continue. “Not that I’m condoning it. Just saying that it doesn’t make you a horrible person. It makes you human.”
“Thanks,” he says softly.
“No problem,” you respond.
“So why’d you fight with him tonight?”
“He was angry with me because I was an asshole,” Kei shrugs.
“And you’re mad that he called you out?” You give a quiet and somewhat incredulous laugh.
Kei shakes his head. “No, I’m angry about what he said after.”
“What’d he say?”
Kei debates on telling you. He doesn’t want to make himself out to be a victim. After all, Tadashi meant no harm, even if his comment did exactly that.
“The argument kind of switched subjects,” Kei tiptoes around the fact that the subject was you. “He brought up a bad habit of mine and I got defensive.”
“Okay,” you say, waiting for him to say more.
“Remember when I said that something happened at the end of middle school and only Tadashi knew about it?” When you nod, Kei continues. “My parents got divorced. They were a bad match and it was messy. He brought it up.”
You nod again, your eyes wide.
“He didn’t mean any harm, I know that,” Kei inhales. “But uh- that stuff kind of sticks with you. Well, it’s stuck with me and I didn’t like having it used to explain my behaviors, even if he was right. I’m not deflecting or anything though. I know I was the problem tonight.”
“Sure,” you say. “I’m sorry about your parents.”
Kei shrugs. “It’s in the past. They’re both remarried now with new kids.”
The last sentence leaves Kei with a sour taste in his mouth. His parents are good people, but after his childhood, he doesn’t think they have any business having more children. Maybe they’re capable of being good for them, but Kei doesn’t like to imagine that. It makes him feel like their marriage wasn’t the problem, but he and Akiteru were.
“You say that like they got a new pet,” you smile a little. “Are you still in touch with them?”
“Yeah,” he says. “I visit whenever I go back home, though they’re really not too far from here.”
“That’s good of you.”
“Well, they are my parents,” Kei says plainly.
You’re the only other person he’s divulged this to by choice and your reactions, understanding and level-headed, make him feel better. It’s like getting a weight off of his chest. This is the worst of him. This little bit of information, his history of being unable to fully confront his feelings, of taking anger out on others when he was young, is where his problems originate.
“Yeah, but you’re allowed to feel what you feel about it,” you say. “My mom died when I was eleven. Texting and driving. I’m still angry at her for it.”
“I’m sorry,” he says.
You shrug and offer him a wry smile. “It’s in the past, but I’m still angry even though I shouldn’t be.”
“At her?”
“Yeah,” you nod. “She made a stupid mistake that we’re constantly warned about and left my dad and me behind. I was so angry with her, still am. I love her though, perceived faults and all.”
Kei thinks about whether or not he loves his parents. He thinks he does, even if he resents them. Kei can’t imagine what he’d do without them. Even though his childhood had few emotional comforts, he still can’t think about a world where he doesn’t visit home to have his mother’s cooking. That’s a world that you live in.
“That’s hard.” It’s all Kei can think to offer.
“It was,” you say. “Got easier though as soon as I started accepting things. Now I just miss her more than I hate her.”
Another bout of silence follows this. It must be close to two in the morning and he’s been outside so long that he can no longer feel the tip of his nose.
“Anyway, about tonight,” you say, “it’s not a crime to feel what you feel, but if you need help, that’s what we’re here for. It’s easier to accept feelings and get hurt than to ignore them, don’t you think?”
“Yeah,” Kei says, looking to face you. “Thank you.”
You’re so pretty. It’s striking. The curvature and angles of your face, the gentle look in your eyes, softened by the conversation. Kei finds himself thinking that despite not wanting to face you a few hours earlier, he’s grateful that you showed up. You’re good in ways that Kei can hardly fathom.
“You should go inside. Tadashi is probably wondering where you are,” you say, standing up. “Plus,” you pinch the tip of his nose between your middle and pointer knuckles, “your nose looks like a cherry tomato.”
“Rude,” he says, startled by the sudden touch.
“Payback,” you shrug your shoulders and Kei rolls his eyes.
“Do you need me to walk you home?” Kei offers, a bit nervous about you walking home on your own.
“I’d love to take you up on that, but you seem tired and I don’t live very far,” you respond. “I’ll call you when I get home though, okay? Since you’re so worried.”
Kei laughs a little and then nods, standing up. “Yeah, I am.”
His honesty surprises even him, but you just tilt your head and give him a small smile.
“I’ll see you on Monday,” you say. “Thanks for the apology”
“Anytime.”
“I hope not,” you laugh and Kei follows suit.
You begin to turn on your heel, giving a small wave.
Kei doesn’t know what overcomes him, but he calls out your name and reaches for your wrist. Before he has a moment to think about what he’s doing, he pulls you to his chest in a hug. You stiffen and then relax in his grip, wrapping your arms around him. Your body is warmer than his, sending heat through the gaps in his sweater.
“You can call even if it’s not to tell me you got home safe,” he says. “If you want to.”
You squeeze him around the middle. “Okay, I will.”
When Kei lets go, he finds that his face is burning. The cold has been replaced by a flush of blood, making his vision a little syrupy.
“Thanks for coming back,” he says. “Get home safe.”
“Of course,” you sound a little dazed, wearing an expression that Kei thinks might match his. “And I will.”
Then, you smile at him, flashing your teeth and giving him a wave. You hold up your phone and point to it.
“Expect a call!”
Kei nods and raises his arm to wave goodbye.
He stands and watches your figure as you walk down the sidewalk and turn the corner. When you’re out of sight, he lingers by the door to his building, just in case you decide to come back. You don’t come back, but Kei lingers anyway, considering the conversation.
He goes inside, intent on apologizing to Tadashi. When he opens the door to his apartment, the lights are still on in the living room and Tadashi gets up from the couch and walks quickly down the hall to him.
“Kei, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“Don’t worry,” Kei says. “I know. I’m sorry about tonight too. And for treating you like that today. And for high school.”
“High school?” Tadashi says, confused. “Why are you bringing up high school?”
“Just wanted to apologize again.”
Kei can feel his eyes drooping, exhaustion creeping into his body and replacing the elated feeling he had moments before.
“I didn’t mean to bring your parents into it. How you like someone is none of my business,” Tadashi says. “I was out of line.”
“So was I,” Kei admits through a tired sigh. “I shouldn’t have acted that way. I’ll apologize to the others in the morning.”
Tadashi narrows his eyes a little and nods. Kei, besieged by that sleepy late night feeling, moves towards his bedroom.
“Hey, Kei,” his voice comes out a little louder this time. “You’re being surprisingly easy-going. Are we good?”
Kei scoffs a little, rubbing his eyes. “I just had some time to think, that’s all. And yeah, we’re good.”
“Okay, are you good?”
“Yeah, I am,” Kei says.
Before he closes the door to his room, he furrows his eyebrows and makes a firm decision.
“By the way,” Tadashi turns to him, cocking his head to the side in response. “I lied. I do like them.”
“Could have guessed as much,” he responds, laughing a little. “See you in the morning.”
“Yup, see you in the morning.”
Kei shuts the door to his room. It clicks into place quietly. His room is spotless. It looks like a room that could be easily emptied at any time. He sighs, stepping into it and laying down on his bed. His phone is on the comforter next to him, lying face up.
When it lights up, it illuminates the ceiling above him and he answers the phone without needing to check who's calling.
“Hello?”
“Hey, I got home safe,” he hears your keys clink against something and then the sound of a door shutting. Then, he hears the sound of you laying down on your bed. He imagines you’re lying the same way he is.
“Good, I’m glad,” he says. “No trouble?”
“No trouble at all,” you say. He can hear your smile.
“Thanks again for coming back tonight,” he says, turning over onto his side and letting the phone rest on the bed in front of his face.
“Of course,” you say.
He doesn’t know what else to say. His nerves have caught up to him and your voice through the speaker sounds so close, like you’re whispering directly into his ear.
“Okay, well I’m going to go to bed,” Kei starts.
“Kei?” you say.
“Yeah?”
“I’m gonna take you up on your offer. About calling you. Just wanted you to know.”
“Okay,” he swallows.
“I feel a lot closer to you.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Goodnight, Kei,” you practically whisper.
“Goodnight,” he responds, lowering his voice the same way you did. You hang up the phone and the call ends.
He blinks at his phone for a moment before standing up and getting ready for bed. Kei goes through the motions while thinking about how the evening got here. He’d been certain before it began that he no longer liked you, that he was confused. Now, he’s certain of the opposite.
He decides that he’ll like you for real this time. Even if he’s afraid of hurting himself, of hurting you.
Kei lays down in his bed and faces the ceiling. He thinks about his parents, about your mother, about you. The cadence of your voice, the slight tremor in it. He thinks about your expressions, understanding and unintrusive. He thinks about your history, the anger you’d admitted to him and the grace you’d given him in his own circumstances.
He dreams of braids, like DNA. Coils of pink yarn woven together in an intricate pattern. A molecular change not visible to the naked eye. Morning comes like liquid gold, spilling across his bedspread in slats through the window.
—
Kei’s apologies go smoothly. Tadashi’s friends—his friends—are good people. They know him better than most and field his awkward, stumbling apology with steady hands.
He’d explained his sour mood in as little detail as possible, deliberately omitting his feelings for you while doing so, and he made a special effort to apologize to Tanaka. He’s easygoing and quick to forget, but Kei knows that even after accepting the apology, Tanaka will lord it over his head for a week or two. Tanaka thinks those kinds of things are funny and Kei won’t try to tell him otherwise.
You do take Kei up on his offer. You call him twice a week now. Sometimes it’s to tell him something relevant to him, other times, you just whisper into the phone that you just felt like talking. Either way, it’s not good for his heart. Kei thinks that at this rate, it might just give out.
There are a lot of things that Kei could say about liking you. It makes his days a little brighter. When he remembers that he has someone he cares about like that, he feels a surge of excitement for no particular reason. He finds that he looks forward to seeing you and goes out of his way to do so, more than he did before he was willing to admit it.
He’s noticed the way you eat, like every bite of food is even better than the last. He’s noticed that you wipe the condensation off of your cups before each sip. He’s noticed that when you’re studying, you’ll pull at the collar of your shirt absentmindedly and then become frustrated when it is stretched out of place. Kei likes all of these things about you.
Kei has also found that liking someone hurts. It hurts worse than he thought it would. Insecurity weaves its way into even the most minor of interactions. He’s self conscious almost all of the time, adjusting his hair, clothing, glasses right down to minor details. As of late, Kei appears more put together than he ever has, but the reality is that he’s probably the least put together he’s ever been.
When you’re around, Kei is awkward and clumsy. He drops things, trips over nothing, loses control over his lanky limbs and overshoots things. He feels like a teenager again, not that he’s that far off from one.
Still, one thing overshadows all of this. Kei is so comfortable around you, so peaceful despite the nerves and insecurity, that he’s able to forget about the worst of it. Forgetting about the worst of things is not something Kei is particularly good at. He’s cynical by nature. You help to ease the burden of it.
The coffee shop he’s visiting with you today is quiet. The room is decorated with dark oak wood and the tables are accented by the rings of the trees the wood was cut from. The early spring light filters in at angles through the windows letting out onto the street. It falls across your notebooks and the knuckles of your hand, wrapped evenly around a black pen.
You’d brought him here to study instead of going to the library and Kei can’t help but think that it feels like a date. His tea sits half-finished in a mug beside his laptop, beginning to cool to room temperature. Your coffee sits by your unoccupied hand and every now and then, you’ll reach to take a sip of the warm beverage without even glancing up.
Kei has spent so much time watching you today, that he’s hardly gotten any work done. His computer is open on a document with a paragraph of writing about nudity in the classical period, which he hasn’t touched in about 10 minutes. He’s been clicking blankly around the page, adding spaces and then deleting them and then glancing up over the edge of the screen to look at the way you purse your lips when you’re focused.
“You’d get a lot more done if you stopped staring,” you say, not looking up from your notebook.
Kei chokes on his exhale. “What?”
You laugh a little, looking up at him through your lashes. God, you’re pretty.
“The document?” You chuckle. “You’re not fooling anyone by clicking around randomly like that.”
“Oh,” Kei furrows his eyebrows and shakes his head a little. “Yeah, just can’t seem to focus.”
“What’s the paper on?” You set down your pen and cross your arms on the table.
“It’s not really a paper,” he says. “It’s a visual analysis on the Aphrodite of Knidos.”
“Is that the one without the arms?”
“No, but they come from the same family of statues,” Kei smiles a little.
You hum a bit. “Do you like it?”
“Like, do I think the statue’s pretty?” Kei closes the screen of his laptop to see you better. “Yeah, I do. Learning about the history of it is a bit depressing though.”
“Why?”
“Well, Aphrodite was one of the most powerful Greek gods, right?” He says, and you nod your head and roll your eyes because you know that already. “But this statue group intrudes on a private moment of hers. She’s trying to cover up her body, probably just before or after a bath. It’s meant to be humiliating.”
You tilt your head. “Sounds more interesting than molecular structures at least.”
Kei laughs a little. “Yeah, I think it’s just a bit more interesting.”
“Why did you choose to study art history?” You question, leaning forward on your elbows.
Kei feels awkward at receiving the question. He doesn’t like talking about himself much, let alone his passions. They tend to get away from him.
“Probably because I’m no good at art,” he smiles a little.
“Such a shame, what with your artist’s hands and all,” you reach across the table and tap his knuckle.
Kei feels the color rise to his cheeks.
“You’re no good at art, so you study art history instead?” You press for more.
“Yeah,” he says. “I like things that people make with their hands. There’s a lot of human expression in ancient art, good and bad. Gives a bit more context into who we were before.”
You lean back in the chair, grinning at him. Kei bites the inside of his cheek and tries not to notice the slope of your neck.
“Why are you studying molecular bio?” He changes the subject.
You shrug your shoulders. “I want a good cushy job that makes me a lot of money.”
Kei watches the corners of your lips curl up.
“Plus,” you continue, “I wanted to show off a little bit.”
“So you put yourself through four years of torture?” He raises an eyebrow.
“Yup, I’m a huge masochist,” you grin.
“You STEM kids are unbearable, you know?” Kei snorts.
“But you like me anyway, yeah?”
Kei nods, heat creeping up his neck, and watches you return to your work.
It’s true, he does like you anyway. Kei likes you so much, in fact, that it frightens him. Well, the idea of liking someone has always frightened Kei, whether he’s noticed it or not. Commitment, or lack thereof, make Kei nervous in the same way heights do. He feels like he could lose his footing at any moment.
That’s probably why he doesn’t want to do anything in particular about his feelings. Kei is content with just feeling them. He’s content to just be able to like you in his own way, even if nothing ever comes of it. He probably shouldn’t do anything about them, considering the back and forth battle he’s waged in his mind over the last few months. He’s too indecisive to do anything but like you, and even that feels herculean to accept.
Not that liking you is a hard thing to do. You’re easy to like. It’s easy for him to picture touching you. It’s easy for Kei to imagine late night conversations and little intimacies shared over damp pillows. You’re easy to talk to, floating through conversations and navigating conflict with a sure step, something Kei can’t do. It’s not hard to find things to admire.
Kei imagines what it would be like to be with you. He imagines the feel of your hands in his, how you might look spread beneath him, the inside of your thighs pressing against his hips. He imagines how his glasses might fog up with your breath and slip down the bridge of his nose. What do you taste like? What do you feel like?
A little alarm bell sounds in his head. This is a dangerous line of thought, a greedy one. Kei doesn’t think he can handle greed, not when it comes to you. He got a taste of it that day when he saw you leave with someone else and again the following Friday. Kei doesn’t mix well with it, with wanting. Still, he wants.
—
It’s a breezy day. It cuts the growing humidity as the beginning of May creeps on. This is no doubt one of the best times of year, though Kei prefers the fall or winter. Still, even with the slightly sticky air, his walk to class is pleasant. He’d even venture to say that it’s good.
Light filters through the trees, blooming with their spring flowers, and in the distance he can see a familiar row of cherry blossoms just beginning to bloom. As he approaches them, he finds himself admiring their delicate petals, wondering just how brief their bloom will be before they come cascading down. One tree among the pink rows has yet to open its flowers. The buds sit on their branches, shades of green and gray. A late bloomer. This tree will no doubt flower once the other petals have fallen, and when it does, it’ll become the most eye-catching thing on the street.
Kei admires it for a moment, standing below the thing and looking up through its twisting branches. It’s so small, much smaller than the rest of its counterparts, and its branches don’t look too full of yet-to-bloom buds either.
There was a tree like this outside of Kei’s childhood home, the one his family lived in together when it was whole. It would always bloom a week after the others and every year he would worry that it never would. Of course, he kept this fear to himself, but he often watched it from his bedroom window when Akiteru was out. He’d press his face against the glass and pray for the flowers to come so that it didn’t get left behind. Sure enough though, it would bloom without fail and leave scattered pink petals across his yard and doorstep. Kei wonders if this tree in front of him will do the same.
“Thinking about changing your major to plant sciences, Kei?”
He jumps, started by your voice and your proximity.
“Jesus,” Kei turns, “you need a bell or something.”
“You’re the one standing in public staring at a tree with no flowers on it,” you laugh a little.
Kei shrugs his shoulders, not really willing to give an explanation for the train of thought he was just on.
“Where’re you headed?” he questions.
“Dropping off an assignment,” you smile lightly, “wanna come with me?”
“I can’t. I’ve got a class in 15.”
“Fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes,” you shrug. “We’ll make it.”
“We?” Kei raises an eyebrow.
“Yeah, you come with me to drop off my paper and then I drop you off at class. It’s a win-win.”
“Sounds like I’m just doing a lot of extra walking,” Kei snorts.
“Yeah, but you get to do it with me so it’ll be more fun.”
Kei folds and goes with you to drop off your assignment. It’s an essay assigned by an old-fashioned professor who doesn’t like electronic submissions. You comment off-handedly on what a waste of paper it is and Kei nods, just happy to hear about it.
It’s strange. Kei is normally very tied to his routine. It keeps him sane, helps him to organize his thoughts and feelings into neat compartments. For Kei, an orderly life is an orderly mind. Somehow though, you ask him to deviate from that and he’s more than willing, eager even, to oblige you. Better yet, he does it without feeling off-kilter. Well, without feeling as off-kilter about his daily life. When it comes to you, Kei is about as stable as a pogo stick.
The walk to your professor's office is only a few minutes from his classroom, just a few buildings over, but by the time you both arrive there, Kei’s palms are sweating. He resorts to shoving them in his pockets and wiping them on the inside of his pants, mortified at the idea of accidentally touching you like this.
“Hey, about tonight,” you start after dropping the paper off with a quick bow.
You’re supposed to come over. It’s the first time you and Kei have agreed to hang out at one of your places alone and Kei has been compartmentalizing his nerves so harshly that he’d almost forgotten about it entirely. Maybe that explains his easy-going mood.
“Yeah?”
“So, Tadashi may have mentioned it in front of the others,” you give him a sheepish grin, “and they may have asked to come and I definitely told them ‘the more the merrier’.”
“Oh, yeah?” Kei’s a little disappointed. “So they’re coming too?”
“Yeah, is that okay?” You furrow your eyebrows.
Kei can’t very well come out and say that it isn’t, because his reason for thinking that is entirely about monopolizing your time. Kei says he doesn’t want to do anything about these feelings, but that doesn’t mean that he can’t indulge just a little into the foreign feeling of accepting that he’s ‘in like’.
“Yeah sure, why wouldn’t it be?”
You raise an eyebrow at him and Kei misses the message entirely.
“I dunno, you’re not really a fan of bigger groups right?”
“Not really,” Kei shrugs, “but I’ve known them for a while so it doesn’t count.”
You nod your head and then smile. “Great! Now, where is your class?”
“Social Sciences,” Kei glances down at the brown watch on his wrist. “In about… four minutes.”
“Wanna run? Can’t be late, can you?”
Kei does not want to run. He runs anyway. You’re faster than he is and your step is louder. The soles of your shoes thump on the floor with every step you take and your whole body lurches forward with each bound. When you reach the end of the hallway his class is in, Kei is completely winded. Considering that he plays volleyball as a hobby, he should really be in better shape. He attributes his lack of breath to your presence. Maybe he’d been holding it while watching you run.
You glance into his full classroom, giving him a relieved look upon seeing that the professor has not begun her lecture yet. Then, you bounce twice on the tips of your toes and start jogging in the other direction.
“Have a good class!” You call.
“What’s the rush?” he questions.
“I’ve got class now too, dummy. Just wanted to hang out with you for a few more minutes.” Then, you turn and run off, your bag bouncing against the side of your leg as you round a corner and fly down a set of stairs.
That’s the thing about you that Kei can’t get enough of. When Kei takes a step back, when he resigns himself to being okay with just a chance meeting and a brief hello, you take a step forward. Whatever Kei lacks, you make up for tenfold. Your outstretched hand makes him greedier. It makes Kei want more than he’s ever wanted before. He goes to class starved for something that isn’t food, a feeling Kei hasn’t experienced often, let alone leaned into. He lets himself feel the hunger.
—
Day melts away to a cool evening, still slightly wet, but like the dampness before rain. The air loses its warm touch, creeping into something chillier. Kei opens his bedroom window to let the air in. He likes the smell of cool nights. He wants his room to smell like it when he sleeps tonight.
“Sorry that I spilled the beans about tonight,” Tadashi leans in the doorway of his room.
“It’s not like that,” Kei rolls his eyes, already irritated with the implication that whatever you and Kei had organized was anything more than two friends hanging out.
“Sure it isn’t,” he laughs.
“I’m serious dude,” Kei fights the urge to throw something soft at him.
“You wanted to hang out with them alone, right?” Tadashi tilts his head. His dark hair falls to the side and around his neck.
“I just said it wasn’t like that!”
Tadashi gives an even laugh. “You’re the one making it dirty, Tsukki, not me.”
Heat floods Kei’s face, painting it red.
“Caught ya,” Tadashi smiles.
“When the hell are you moving out?” Kei grumbles and Tadashi gives another good natured laugh.
“Not until you do. You’re stuck with me.”
“Not if I kill you,” Kei doesn’t smile when he says this.
Tadashi barks a laugh. “So what changed?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean with you. You seem a little more upbeat lately,” Tadashi says. “Nothing like the sad sack from a few months ago.”
“I was kidding before but now I’m serious. I really will kill you.”
Tadashi shakes his head a little but doesn’t say anything, intruding on Kei’s space until he gives an answer.
“I just got tired of it, that’s all,” Kei says evenly, though it’s a little hard to admit.
“Tired of what?”
“Pretending,” he says plainly, glancing up at Tadashi in the doorway.
“Because of them?”
“No,” he starts. “Maybe. I don’t know. Can you leave now?”
Tadashi shakes his head. “Too curious to leave.”
“I don’t have an answer for you,” Kei grumbles. “I got tired of pretending I didn’t want them.”
“Not like you were very good at pretending,” Tadashi laughs and Kei tosses him a sharp look.
He raises his hands defensively, tucking his chin downwards and laughing lightly. “Okay, fine. I’m gone now.”
“They’ll be here in an hour or so, by the way,” Kei adds and Tadashi gives a little hum to confirm that he’s heard him as he leaves the room.
Kei glances around his room. The floor is bare, save for a small mat by the side of his bed to keep the shock of warm feet on a cold floor in the morning away. That notebook, dear to him as it is, still sits on the desk. It’s empty, but Kei likes the look of it.
The hour before you and his friends are meant to arrive goes by so slowly that Kei worries that he’s gotten the day wrong. He incessantly checks his watch. It’s a brown leather watch with a square face. Thin and somewhat old fashioned, Kei prefers it to pulling his phone out to check the time. His Dad has one like it, almost matching. It had been given to him as a gift at his high school graduation and Kei had accepted it begrudgingly. He’d not been on good terms with his parents then and having them both in the same space for his graduation day was more trouble than it was worth. Still, he wears the watch almost daily. Despite having the impression that his parents never really cared about him, it was a fine gift for him and the brown strap suits his light skin tone in the same way it suits his father’s.
He walks to the mirror in his room, hanging on the wall beside his nightstand, and peers into it. Kei’s curly hair is somewhat unruly. It’s hard to manage, especially in the warmer months when his waves turn into frizzy curls that he can’t seem to keep down. It’s gotten longer, coming down to just above the bottom of his ears at the back and curls upwards in licks of thick blond.
Kei fiddles with it for a moment, tucking it behind his ears and then deciding to pull it forward. He could put gel in it to help calm it down, but he hates the greasy look of it and he’s never been one to primp and preen. He adjusts his glasses on his nose, square frames in a tortoiseshell pattern. They look expensive, though they’re only a cheap pair that he’d found at the drug store and had the lenses replaced.
He looks normal. Kei looks like himself, if not a bit flushed in the face from his nerves. His reflection is one he is oddly unfamiliar with, despite it being his throughout his entire life. At some point during high school, he’d stopped recognizing the man in the mirror as Kei and started viewing him as a separate entity. Kei Two, a version of him that can make a home out of a space and find things to write in his notebook. Kei Two’s family is still whole and unbroken, and he likes to imagine that he’s a little more friendly than the real-world version. He looks away from the mirror, content today with being the original.
Kei is in the living room and around the corner when the front door latch clicks open and is followed by a symphony of raucous voices. He takes a sharp inhale, unsure of why this feels so different from the hundreds of other times you’ve all piled into his living room.
“Where’s Kei?” He hears you call, dragging out the syllable of his name in a soft hum.
That’s why. It’s because this time, you’ve come here to see him specifically. You’re not here to see Tadashi or by chance, you’re here because you’d made plans to see Kei. That’s what makes it different.
You round the corner and Kei is hit full force in the chest with his emotions and his nerves. It happens all at once, keeping the air from his lungs. You’re smiling, beaming even, and Kei thinks that maybe it’s because you can hear the hammer of his heart against his chest.
“Hi,” you breathe, plopping down next to him on the couch.
“Hey,” he chokes out.
Kei chides himself for his nerves. He’d been doing better about getting weird around you, but today he feels closer to blowing up than he ever has.
Hinata, Kageyama, Yachi, and Noya make their way into the kitchen, each one clapping Tadashi on the back as they do. They beeline for their fridge, opening the door and flooding the floor with artificial white light as they pull out enough beers and sodas to supply a small army. Kei wonders why he and Tadashi ever bought so many of them. Kei hardly drinks, but he supposes that Tadashi just likes to host.
“Tanaka and Kiyoko?” Tadashi questions as he makes his way into the living room with the group. His beer cracks open with a satisfying pop.
“Date night,” Noya says, sinking into one of the arm chairs situated around the coffee table. “So annoying.”
He groans about Kiyoko, someone he’s all but worshiped since high school.
“You’re just mad it isn’t you,” Kageyama quips, giving a somewhat mean grin.
“Not true,” Noya argues. “I am the happiest person in the world for them! But now they go on dates and I can’t come. It’s like I lost a bro.”
“You’re so overreacting,” Yachi adds, her lips forming around high pitched syllables. “They’re here most of the time.”
“Yeah, most but not all,” Noya pouts.
“Give the same energy to Daichi, Suga, and Asahi next time, kay?” Tadashi laughs.
Their friend group is a large one, consisting of most (if not all) of their highschool volleyball team. While Hinata, Kageyama, and Yachi are the same age as Kei and Tadashi, Tanaka and Noya are a year older, and Kiyoko is two. Daichi, Asahi, and Suga all went to universities outside of Sendai, meaning they hardly ever see them. All in all, the rest of the group is pretty bummed about it. Kei just finds that he misses having Daichi around to reel everyone in. Now that he’s gone, that job has somehow gone to Tadashi, who is more of an enabler than anything else.
“They’re different and you know it,” Noya frowns, opening his open beer with a hiss through his teeth.
You lean to the side, bumping your shoulder against Kei’s.
“Who’re Daichi, Suga, and Asahi?” You ask softly.
“You’ve never met?” Kei furrows his eyebrows and you shrug.
“Maybe, but if I have it was only once or twice.”
“They’re friends from our volleyball team in highschool, but they’re two years older.”
“Okay, so one year older than me?”
Kei blinks a few times. “You’re a year older than me?”
“Yeah?” You laugh a little like it’s obvious.
“But aren’t you a fourth year?” He furrows his eyebrows.
“I took a year off before starting college,” you shrug your shoulders. “Thought that I had to get my sillies out.”
“Your sillies?” Kei laughs a little.
“Yeah,” you smile, “and I had to save up some money. It makes the world go ‘round, you know?”
“What are you guys whispering about?” Tadashi gives Kei a wry grin over the top of his beer can.
It’s only then that Kei realizes the way you both are leaning into each other. He’s tilting his head down to hear you better and you’re leaning forward. It gives off the impression of two people conspiring, of closeness that Kei hadn’t even realized had crept up on him.
“I was asking who Daichi, Suga, and Asahi are,” you shrug off the moment, leaning back in the chair.
This prompts a chorus of disbelief, everyone jumping in to describe them to you. Kei takes it as a moment to breathe, inhaling and exhaling. He can feel your thigh against his, just barely there and bleeding warmth through the fabric of his jeans.
They delve into stories about nationals, little details that Kei had forgotten a long time ago. Every now and then, someone will bring up Kei’s more-than-sour personality and he will feel the need to hide the embarrassment on his cheeks. Even though you know about it, it’s still mortifying for Kei to hear. He wants you to see the best in him, but any hopes he had of you forgetting are quickly washed away as someone brings up Kei’s relentless prodding of Kageyama’s easily pushed buttons.
You laugh along with them like you were there, amused to hear stories about your college friends in their high school years. Kei finds himself thinking that you fit very well into this scene.
Still though, despite the fun he’s having, Kei’s battery begins to run out quickly and after a long game of cards, he gets up to take a quick break in the kitchen. It’s not that he wants the night to end, but rather that he just needs a minute to himself and uses the idea of more snacks as an excuse for it.
He reaches into a cabinet, pulling out a half-finished bag of chips and setting them on the counter. They’re clipped with a bright red chip-clip from the grocery store and Kei thinks that because of that, they shouldn’t have gone stale yet. If it were the peak of summer, Kei might think twice, but this time of year, they should be fine.
Then, he bends down to get a large white mixing bowl from a lower cabinet. Their plates and bowls are kept in various different cabinets, though the only reason they stay somewhat organized is because of Kei.
“Done already?” You lean your hip against the counter.
“With what?” Kei struggles to keep his eyes from following the line of your body.
“Hanging out,” you smile lightly.
“Not really,” he says. “Just needed a minute and decided to get more snacks.”
“Wanna go sit outside for a bit then?”
Kei glances into the living room where the group chatters away. He’d hate to be stopped on the way.
“Relax,” you laugh. “They’re so caught up they won’t even notice that we’re gone.”
Kei furrows his eyebrows and then shrugs, swallowing his heart down with the spit that has pooled in his mouth. He follows you out of the front door, shutting it with a quiet click and heading down the steps of the complex and to the concrete wall lining the shrubbery outside. It’s the same place you’d come back to talk to him at all those weeks ago, though he is in considerably better spirits than he was then.
It’s a cool night, the gentle heat of the day completely burned off to make way for a crisp breeze. He inhales, wishing that he had brought a drink to fiddle with and sip on to distract him from his nerves.
You sit beside him, leaning back on your palms with your legs outstretched in front of you. Your hand is only a few inches from his and Kei sucks in a breath when he accidentally touches it while he gets comfortable. You only offer him a little smile in response.
“Sorry again about bringing the troops here,” you speak first.
“That’s really okay,” he says. “Contrary to popular belief, I actually really like them.”
You snort. “I hope so.”
Kei inhales louder than he intends to and when you look at him like he’s going to say something, he just holds his breath and shakes his head. The air only leaves him when you finally look away.
“Kind of a bummer though,” you start, “I was kinda excited about just hanging out with you.”
Kei’s breath catches in his throat. He swallows to move the metaphorical blockage.
“We hang out all the time though,” he says like it’s enough. Of course it’s not enough.
“Guess so,” you smile a little, though Kei can hear the distinct turn of disappointment in your voice.
“You know,” he starts, already embarrassed at what he’s going to admit. “I wanted to be your friend for a while.”
“Oh yeah?” you smile, opening up again and turning towards him. “Why?”
Kei shrugs, resisting the urge to shut down completely. It’s embarrassing admitting to someone that you wanted to know them before you actually knew them.
“You kind of reminded me of Tadashi,” he says. “And you both got along so well.”
“Tadashi? I’m nothing like Tadashi,” you laugh, shaking your head.
“What? No, you two are so similar,” Kei insists, lacing his fingers together.
“What about us is so similar?”
“Well, you’re both sociable and warm and…” Kei trails off. He can’t really think of anything else. You look at him with an expectant look in your eyes.
“See?”
Kei realizes that the two of you are not similar at all. Your warmth is where the similarity stops. He’d been likening you to Tadashi this entire time, not because the two of you are similar, but because you make him feel similar to the way Tadashi does. Safe and comfortable, though with the added addition of deeply awkward. He realizes that without the safety net of you being like Tadashi, he’s never had any ability to deny his feelings and with that they rage full force around the corner and slam into his chest like a heavy blow.
“We’re nothing like each other,” you laugh and lean back against your palms. “Though, it would be cool to be like Tadashi.”
Kei experiences the sudden realization that he doesn’t want you to be like Tadashi. Kei wants you to be like him. He wants you to be greedy and want him the same way he wants you. He wants you to be able to keep up with his turns and his moods, something he didn’t realize he wanted in the first place. If you’re like Kei, then Kei doesn’t have to be afraid of showing you the worst. You’ll have already seen it. If you’re like Kei and he loves you, then what is stopping you from loving him?
“Even if you’re not like Tadashi, that’s fine.” His cheeks burn.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, I like you all the same,” he admits quietly.
“The same? As Tadashi?” You purse your lips a little. “I thought I was a little different. Was I wrong?”
Kei wants to kiss you. Kei wants to kiss you so badly that his mouth has gone dry and his lips feel like they’ve separated from his body. Anything he’d thought about not wanting anything with you flies out of the window with your proximity. You’re so close to him. Close enough that if he leaned a little to the right, his shoulder would be against yours. You’re so close and you’re looking at him like you’re waiting for something, implying that somehow you’re different from Tadashi. Implying that you want him to like you differently than the way he likes his platonic friend.
“No, you’re different,” he says, taking the bait you’ve laid in front of him. His heart pounds and he can’t look at you. He thinks he’ll kiss you if he does.
“Am I?”
Kei can hear the smile in your voice. It makes what you’re saying sound honeyed and curved.
“Yeah, you are.”
“How so?”
Kei finally raises his head to look at you. You’re grinning, leaning towards him like you’re watching a show. He feels the way his nerves rise into his throat, pressing against the very back of his tongue. He doesn’t know how to answer or what to say. Well, he does know what to say, he just doesn’t think he can. Kei is good at thinking about emotions, but when it comes time to speak them outloud, it seems that he’s still got a padlock around his throat. So he does what any logical person would do.
Kei leans forward, pushing against his screaming nerves and trying to ignore the tremble in his hands, and kisses you. It’s awkward and his teeth click against yours before his lips fully settle against your mouth. He feels the breath you draw in, like surprise and relief mixed together, and he finds that he does the same.
He can see the way your eyes flutter closed through his barely open ones and he realizes that your lips are so warm. He screws his eyes shut when you dip your head forward to move your lips against his. Yours are so warm and soft, like satin. A kiss has never felt like this to Kei before and he finds that he wants to catalog every single one of your reactions. Maybe that’s what he could write in the notebook. Maybe he could write down every single thing that you do that leaves him winded and wanting more.
Neither of you reach for the other, but he can feel the knuckle of your pinky against his as you slowly kiss each other, tilting your heads side to side. There’s hunger within him, the need to take more than what he’s receiving and a greed he isn’t quite familiar with, but there’s also romance. It’s like a spell that’s yet to be broken, fed by the click of your mouths as they move together. Kei sighs, flooded with the relief of this kind of physical affection, of being honest with himself at how much he likes it. Kei loves the feel of your mouth. He loves the way your lips and tongue feel and he loves that they’re all that he can feel right now.
The kiss lasts longer than Kei thought it would and by the time he pulls away, you’re both steadily panting and attempting to keep your breathing even. He wants to do it again. He wants it so badly that it makes his chest swell. He wants to do that with you forever, but he swallows down the desire. It’s a temporary fix, but it’s enough for him to choke out what it is he wants to say next.
“I think I’m in really hot water,” he squeaks.
“What do you mean?” You breathe out, the playfulness from a few moments earlier long behind you.
“I think I want you way more than I thought I did,” he admits quietly, the first out loud admittance of his feelings to you.
You smile a little before speaking. “I think it’s only hot water if the other person doesn’t feel the same way.”
Your face is still so close to his. “Yeah?”
It comes out a bit desperate, like he needs reassurance. Kei does. He’s so afraid that he thinks he could die. Afraid of the spell breaking, afraid of losing whatever moment this is and being forced to return to his one-sided pining, afraid that you don’t feel the same way.
Your face moves closer to him, breath trembling lightly. “Yeah.”
You kiss him again, pressing your lips against his lightly before parting them. He’s so overwhelmed and so immediately lost in it. Kei feels the way your tongue teases the inside of his mouth and it makes him feel like a teenager again, swelling with desires and emotions that he can’t name. You move your hand over his, placing it lightly on top of his, and he reacts by lacing your fingers together and pushing forward more.
Kei wants to touch you so badly, to reach up and hold your face, to touch your waist and your legs and your chest. He wants to do it all, to feel you right here under the cover of night, but he doesn’t. Instead, he kisses you and stews in the desire, letting it swell in his chest as he listens to the clicking of your mouths. You kiss him so slowly, moving your mouth at a languid pace. It drives him crazy. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get enough of this.
“We should go back inside, I think,” you break away, your bottom lip shiny with a sheen of spit. “The others might think something’s up and Tanaka isn’t exactly good with discretion.”
Kei automatically reaches up to swipe it with his thumb. He doesn’t know where this affection comes from, where the possessive action found its origins, but he finds that he likes the way it feels to be able to do it in the first place.
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Kei responds, though he would have been happy to continue sitting out here with you, kissing you silly.
You stand first, dusting off the back of your legs and waiting for Kei to follow suit. When he does, you reach quickly for his hand, giving it a quick squeeze before walking in front of him.
Kei is not sure how he should act when he goes inside. He’s tense all over, desperate to pick up where the two of you left off, and unsure if his face betrays that thought.
“Where’d you guys go?” Tadashi asks as Kei closes the door behind him.
In the time you’d both been gone, the living room has been transformed into something nearly unrecognizable. Empty beer cans are strewn about the tables and the blankets and pillows from the couches are now haphazardly laying around beside the couch or over people’s bodies. Then again, maybe the room always looked like this and he was just too busy thinking about how close you were to him.
Kei doesn’t know what to say. Why had they gone outside in the first place? He’s not even sure that he remembers.
“I wanted a cigarette and I made Kei come with me,” you answer evenly. “Why? You jealous?”
“Of inhaling second-hand smoke? No, thanks.” Tadashi laughs, but he tosses Kei a sideways glance. Tadashi knows him well enough to know that Kei wouldn’t voluntarily stand outside with a smoker unless he was particularly fond of them.
“Aw, man, I thought you quit?” Hinata pipes up, tilting his head.
“I did, hot stuff,” you respond, sitting down on the couch. “Don’t worry. I won’t smoke anymore.”
Hinata huffs and Kei takes the opportunity to sit down next to you.
His thigh is pressed against yours, warmth seeping through his pants and into his skin. Kei feels like he could explode. You’re so close to him again, closer than before, and he can’t stop replaying the kiss in his head. He’s desperate for it, fidgety with his desire. He keeps thinking about the hot press of your mouth and the languid motion of your tongue. All he can imagine is the few points of contact between you both, mouth and hands, and how badly he wanted it to be more. He needs it.
You touch him a few times throughout the night and the tension is so palpable that Kei is convinced he can see it. It’s like there is a rope pulled taut between the two of you. If he doesn’t stick his ground, he’ll go flying towards you, grabbing and touching and taking in the way he’s desperate to now.
After an hour, his friends begin to grow restless. Their faces are flushed with alcohol and the things they’d been amusing themselves with are no longer enough stimulation.
“Hey, we’re going out to the bars. Who’s coming?” Hinata speaks up.
A chorus of agreement rings out, but the last thing Kei wants to do is go out.
“I think I’ll probably stay back and start cleaning,” he says somewhat disdainfully. “It’s a mess in here,” Kei tosses you a small glance. It’s unintentional but he’s glad for it because Kei is hoping that you’ll stay back with him, that you both can pick up where you left off.
“I’ll stay and help too. I’ve got an early morning tomorrow anyway,” you smile and Hinata pouts.
“You guys are so boring,” he protests. “Leave the mess for tomorrow and come out with us.”
“I’ll pass, pipsqueak,” Kei scoffs.
“Fine, but don’t complain to me when you’re full of regret tomorrow,” he points a finger at Kei and then moves it over to you. “And you’re too nice for your own good.”
“Do you hear that?” You say, beginning to usher the group to the door. “I think it’s the sound of the bar and all that alcohol calling to you guys.”
“You guys are so full of shit-” Kageyama starts, speaking up for the first time in a while, but Kei just waves him out.
“Yeah yeah, let the grown ups clean while you guys have fun. We’ll see you tomorrow.”
The rope is so taut between you both that it’s unbearable and by the time the door closes, you are spinning around on your heel toward Kei.
“We’re not cleaning, right?”
Kei shakes his head and starts towards you. The tension breaks when his hands find your hips and he hungrily leans down to press his mouth against yours.
This kiss is different from the first, desperate and full of desire. It’s fast and your mouths move together quickly as he starts to walk you back towards his bedroom, his hands eagerly roaming up and down your hips. Vaguely, he acknowledges that his glasses have been moved out of place, but he pays it no mind as you turn the knob to his bedroom door with your back to it.
There’s an urgency to his movements. Kei feels it in his chest, this desperate desire to be closer, to consume everything that you’ve laid out in the palm of his hand. You stumble backwards into his room and Kei catches your shifted weight with a hand around your waist. His other hand comes up to cup your cheek, feeling the warm skin on your jaw and neck. His fingers tremble where they touch you, half out of desperate need and half out of the nerves that threaten to spill from his mouth. His lips though, are occupied with yours, clicking together, all tongue and teeth.
Kei kisses sloppily down your jaw, his lips smearing across your cheek and dipping down below your ear. He sucks a trail there, unsure if he’s leaving marks, all the way down to your collarbone. Every part of you tastes better than he’d expected it to and with every push he delivers, you pull.
You make small sounds, little pants and groans that make Kei’s hair stand on end with wanting. Your voice, so familiar and fond to him, spills out in small, breath-like bursts that make Kei want to coax more out of you. Kei’s never been one to want this way, but right now, it’s all that he feels. So much tension and impulse that he feels like he can hardly control himself.
You reach blindly behind you for the bed and Kei guides you down, placing his hand on one side of you as you sit. Then, without disconnecting your lips, he guides you up toward the wall.
He feels the cool tips of your fingers at the hem of his shirt, pulling downward and then upward to get him to take it off. Kei obliges you, leaning back on his knees and pulling it off over the top of his head. You eye him for a moment, the two of you slowing down enough as the urgency settles into something heavy and lingering.
Kei leans forward again, one of his hands reaching for your hip. He slips his fingers underneath the hem of your shirt, sliding his long fingers up your stomach as he kisses you again. You’re so soft and he can feel the way your chest heaves against his palm. His touch is feather light and he slides it up evenly until it reaches just below your breast. When you nod, Kei moves it up over your bra and he feels you shudder. Kei does the same, overwhelmed by your pliability.
He can feel the goosebumps that have raised on your skin, little pinpricks of skin that indicate that some part of you feels good. When Kei squeezes your breast, you gasp into his moan and he groans his response, letting you bite at his bottom lip.
He feels you suck at his lips and swipe your tongue along the ridge of his mouth. When he opens it to let you in, he’s overtaken by the warmth of the soft muscle. He groans, tilting his head down to kiss you deeper, letting the taste of you spread over his mouth. It’s hot and your breath fans across his face.
Kei hands drift from your breasts along the sides of your body. He feels the heave of your breath there against your warm skin, his palms resting on your waist. You raise your knees, the sides of them pressing against Kei’s hips. He shifts downwards slowly, dragging his mouth along your skin, past the cloth of your shirt.
His hands make their way from your waist to your hips as he dips lower. Kei takes off his glasses, already fogged up and in the way. When he meets your eyes, you nod your permission and Kei slips between your legs, his flat palms moving to spread your thighs.
You’re so warm and soft, so pliable in a way that Kei can’t articulate. It makes his mouth water with his desperation and he’s grown hard against the bedspread beneath him.
“Touch me,” you breathe out.
Kei nods into your stomach, looping his fingers around our waistband, and pulls down your pants. Your panties come with it and it’s with a slight wave of regret that he realizes he won’t get to see the way you stick to them.
When he sees you, his heart leaps into his throat. His eagerness and his nerves catch up to him and he lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. You shudder when the air hits your exposed cunt, an unintentional side effect of Kei’s nerves that has him grinding down against the bedspread.
He slides his palm to rest over your center. It’s warm and sticky, wet beyond what Kei had imagined and he gingerly presses a finger between your folds. You gasp, mouth falling open above him. Then, he slides his finger into you to the first knuckle, curling up. Kei goes deeper on the second pump, curling his whole finger inside of you and feeling the way you tighten around him.
You arch your back up off the bed and Kei groans and rolls his eyes, resting his head on the inside of your exposed thigh. He curls his fingers in you, watching the way they coat with your pleasure. His eyebrows are knit together, like he’s asking whether you like how he touches you or not, and you seem to pick up on his insecurity, nodding your head before letting it tip back against Kei’s pillows.
Kei thinks your expression is incredible. Your eyebrows pull up in the center, pretty face twisted and mouth slightly open in an expression of undeniable pleasure. Kei’s stomach winds at the look of it and he ruts his hips against the mattress to quell the growing ache of need. His fingers, which curl at a slow and even pace inside of you, are warm with your enjoyment. It leaks between his knuckles, sliding down the back of his hand like a slow moving syrup. He wonders whether you have more to give and how you taste, his gaze slinking from your face to the place just above where his fingers disappear.
He lowers his mouth to you without thinking, curious and needing the taste of it. Sure enough, you have more to give. Your voice comes quickly, a small gasp that is stifled by the back of your hand when he sucks sharply on your clit. Your hips push forward against his hands and then you arch up off the mattress with a small cry. Kei wonders if you’ve cum. He wonders if he’s sent you over the edge, but if he has, you’re taking all of it so well that he doesn’t dare stop.
The taste of you spreads on his tongue, tangy and warm. You invade his senses violently, like you are gripping his throat. Kei holds his mouth to you, pressing the length of his cock into the mattress and moving his hips like he plans to fuck it.
He moves his free hand down your thigh and onto the inside of your leg. Your skin is so soft. It’s so vulnerable, something easily pierced and bled. Kei’s pointer finger rubs gentle circles there, feeling the slight pull of the soft skin with his fingers, so thin that it almost feels like tissue paper. He’s sure that with a little pressure, you would bruise.
The thought surprises him. He works his tongue across your clit and his fingers against that gummy spot inside of you, but his mind drifts to the softness of your inner thigh, the way it would be so easy to leave a spot that might hurt later when you press on it, remind you of exactly where he was. Then, Kei pinches you on the inside of your thigh and when you cry out, tightening around his fingers with a tapered moan, he pinches you again, harder this time.
You whimper slightly, like you like it. No, you sound like you love it and Kei finds himself holding back a choked moan as he tries not to cum prematurely. He pinches along the inside of your legs and around the back. Not too much. Only when he feels like it. Only when he wants to hear what kind of sounds you’ll make.
“K-Kei wait, wait,” you pant, grabbing him by his tufts of blonde hair. It hurts. He doesn’t think you mean to hurt him, but it doesn’t matter. He likes it and he twitches in his pants.
“Huh?” He hums, detaching from your clit and slowing the movement of his fingers to a halt. Your legs shake around his handiwork. “You okay?”
“I’ll cum if you keep going like that,” you breathe, screwing your eyes shut like you’re still on the edge. “Drag it out for me, yeah?”
Kei furrows his eyebrows and sucks in a sharp breath.
“Cum if you want to.” He tilts his head down to reattach his lips.
“Not yet,” you tug at his hair. “I like chasing it.”
Kei stares at you, unblinking and awestruck. Your chest heaves and despite the pleasure on your face, you look uncomfortable as your orgasm slips away from you. Kei likes that look on your face and he finds himself growing greedy.
“Come here,” you coax him onto the mattress.
Kei watches as you slip your hands into the waistband of his jeans and pull them down, leaving him on his back with his tented boxers exposed. You crawl down his body and settle between his legs with your arms between his thighs. He shudders when you run your hands up them and he briefly sees his boxers jump.
You smile, pressing your mouth to him through his boxers. Kei can’t stifle the groan that escapes him and heat floods his face when you raise your eyebrows in response.
“You don’t have to,” he says through gritted teeth as you slip the waistband of his boxers down.
“But I want to,” you mumble, taking him in your hand and placing a kiss on the side of his dick.
Kei’s head falls back against the pillow and he swears under his breath when he feels the warmth of your mouth close around the tip of him. He jerks his head up to see, awestruck by the way your lips look around the head of his cock.
For some reason, Kei is already so sensitive. He feels everything, and when you swipe the tip of your tongue along his slit as you bob your head, he makes a noise he didn’t think he could make. His fingers knot themselves in the bed sheets, white knuckled and trembling while you bob your head over him.
Your mouth is so warm and wet. It’s a little messy, dripping down the length of him and onto his balls. Kei feels the warmth, the heat of you. He can still taste you on his tongue. Kei can still feel the stickiness left behind from your arousal on his mouth. The combination of you between his legs and the taste of you on his tongue is overwhelming.
Kei can feel his orgasm growing in his lower stomach, turning over until he’s bringing his long fingers to your head in an effort to steady himself. There’s nothing he can do but give in, watching you through damp eyes as you watch his expression.
It’s embarrassing how quickly he cums. It doesn’t take long and he teeters on the edge for a few moments before fully cresting over. Kei can’t help the way he lifts his hips from the mattress, his voice caught in his throat as it hooks on a high pitched groan. His voice cracks and he feels the way his cum collects on your tongue and across the tip of his dick in your mouth.
“Fuck,” he mutters, red faced and panting, “I didn’t mean to- I didn’t mean to finish so quickly, you’re just-”
“It’s fine,” you come up, your eyes glassed over and lust-filled. “I like making you feel good.”
“Yeah but-”
“No buts,” you crawl over him and straddle his waist. Kei winces when your weight briefly nudges his cock. “There’s still fun to be had. Can I kiss you?”
He nods and you lean down to do as you’d asked. Your tongue moves slowly against his, less desperate this time, like you’re trying to work him down and back up again. You place your hands on his chest, settling your weight down so that your bare cunt is pressed against his sensitive cock. Kei thinks he might die.
He brings his hands to your waist, the fatigue creeping from his bones as he digs the pads of his fingers into your fleshy sides. You draw in a breath when he does and it makes Kein feel like he’s tipping sideways with arousal. Everything that you do, right down to the involuntary twitch of your hips or eyebrows, is sexy.
Kei turns you over, growing hard between your legs again, and gently pins you to the mattress. He kisses you for a moment longer, his lips working clumsily across yours before he pulls away to catch his breath and find his bearings.
You chase him with your mouth, tilting your head up to kiss him. Kei feels his chest swell with arousal and his cock strains almost painfully against his pants as he peers at you. You’re so pretty. Everything about you is so pretty. On his chest, he can feel your fingers, splayed over his pecks, across his collarbone, and grazing the side of his neck. He leans closer, loving the pressure of your body and the desperation that pours from your skin.
Kei kisses you again. He kisses you the way he wanted to outside, dipping his tongue into your mouth with a desperation that he can taste. You take control back, reaching between the two of you, and Kei shifts himself upward instinctually to give you access to him. He feels your fingers fumble for him and there’s a pause in which Kei doesn’t know what to do. He wonders if this might be the part of him that you like. The awkward part, the one that doesn’t know what to do. Kei’s thoughts are interrupted by the feeling of your hand wrapping around him and tugging upward.
His head drops and a low groan escapes his lips before he can even think to stop it. Kei’d almost forgotten his sensitivity, how desperately he wants to be touched, how overwhelming it feels. He shivers, looking down at where your hand wraps around him and pumps. When he looks back up, he finds that you’re looking at his face, your eyes glassed over and observant as you commit all of his expressions to memory.
“What?” he says, letting out a shuddering breath and the slight overstimulation.
“Your face is red,” you reach up with your free hand to run your thumb along his cheek.
Kei huffs, dropping his head and you fiddle with something between the two of you.
“No,” you pick his chin up. “I like it. It’s cute.”
You tighten your grip around him and Kei feels his expression twist, a new rush of heat and desire flooding his belly as he realizes you’re sliding a condom onto him. Then, you guide the tip of him between your legs and he feels the wet press of your entrance against him.
“Christ,” he groans.
You smile slightly, shifting your hips a little and then placing your hands on his shoulders. Kei pushes forward slowly, his thighs twitching. It takes everything he has to keep from cumming again and every muscle in his body screams with a desire to let go.
Kei is so overwhelmed, partially because you feel so good, but also because there is some part of him that knows this feels different. Kei feels different about you, about being intimate with you, than he has with anyone else. There’s something alive in him, something with its own mind. Something greedy and vulnerable that stirs when your face is this close to him, when he’s buried all the way in you to the base of his cock. Emotional and sensitive, Kei feels it kick.
His first instinct is to run. Agreeing to let himself like you, to let himself do something about it, was not agreeing to letting something live inside of him. Kei’s first thought when he registers the difference is to cut it off and suffocate it so that it stops thumping against his chest. He’d grown so used to the hollow feeling that the feeling of living emotion makes him nervous, it puts him on edge. But when he pulls out a few inches and fucks back into you, the anxiety dispels into insurmountable pleasure. A pleasure Kei can’t describe, something fulfilling and whole.
He picks up his pace, letting himself do what he wants while you grip his shoulders with blunted nails. He likes the expression you wear. Truthfully, he likes all of your expressions, but this one is new. Pressure and pleasure, a newness to the feel of him inside of you that you can’t quite keep from your eyes or lips. He kisses you as if he could taste it, slipping his tongue between your lips.
“I really like you,” you mumble against his mouth, breath hot as it fans across his cheeks.
Kei’s heart hammers and his hips stutter a little.
“Me too,” he chokes, trying to think about volleyball to stave off a second orgasm. All that comes to mind though, is you.
“Are you close again?” you breathe, voice laden with pleasure.
“I have been since we started,” Kei admits.
“Cum then,” you say softly, reaching behind his head to pull his mouth back to yours. Kei likes the control you exhibit. He groans his approval.
“You first,” he mutters.
There’s this possessive part of Kei that wants to watch you fall apart on him. He wants to see it, to watch you feel good too and commit it to memory so that he can always keep it. He thinks it’s a pride thing, something attached to his desire to succeed, to his reliability. Maybe though, it’s just because he thinks it’ll look hot.
He reaches down and lifts one of your legs up by the back of your knee, pressing it down to give himself better access. You whine and Kei feels the way you clench down around him, your fingers knitting into the hair at the back of his neck. It hurts in a good way.
Kei slips his hand between you, rubbing circles on your clit to get you there faster. Frankly, he doesn’t know how much longer he can last like this, staring down at your face while it twists with pleasure. You’re so attractive to him. Everything about you is sexy. It makes Kei a little crazy.
He listens as your breathing quickens, as your voice wavers further. He feels the way your cunt begins to flutter faster, pulsing around him until you attempt to cry out and warn him. Then, you clamp down around him, arching your hips up off the mattress and pulling at his hair. Kei moves his head with you, relishing in the way you tug and scratch.
He builds up to his orgasm so fast that it hurts. There’s pressure and then the mounting feeling of nearing the top, and then the peak and crash. He cums so hard that it hurts, pushing his cock as far as it will go into you and feeling the warm spill of his cum in the condom. He moans a long, drawn out sound that you mimic, his fingers knitting into the pillow behind you and his head dropping so that his lips sit near your neck.
He lets out a shaky breath, letting himself sit inside of you for a moment. You turn his head towards yours and kiss him. It’s gentle. A smooth and languid kiss that neither of you moves to deepen. Your lips move against each other and Kei closes his eyes to savor the taste.
You tap his shoulder and Kei rolls over onto the bed beside you, snapping the condom off with a small wince and tying it up in a quick motion. He places it in the trash bin beside the bed. When he turns over, you’re already moving to slip under his arm, resting your head on his chest.
There’s a passing moment of silence, not unlike the ones you both have fallen into before and you sigh lightly against his exposed chest. Kei follows suit, watching the way you move with his breath.
His skin is sticky against yours and Kei can vaguely register the smell of sweat in the room. He doesn’t know how long it’s been since everyone left, nor does he know when they’ll be back, but he estimates that it won’t be more than an hour. Kei briefly wishes that he could pause time so that he can stay here with you, just like this.
“I’m not good at this kind of stuff,” Kei admits quietly.
“What stuff?” You ask, tracing your finger along the ridges of his lean abdomen.
“Liking people,” he says. “Dating.”
You give a small laugh. “No offense, Kei, but I could tell that from the moment I met you.”
“Shit, seriously?”
“Duh,” you breathe out. “It’s a little charming to me, though. I like that part of you.”
So it’s true. You like the parts of Kei that he’s always worried were the worst of him.
“Huh,” he says. “Could you tell?”
“That you like me?” You ask, shifting your head to look at him. “Yeah, it was obvious after we established that you didn’t hate me. I always noticed you staring in the library.”
“Really? I thought I was being a little slick with that,” Kei feels heat and color flood his face.
You let out a good-natured laugh. “People can always tell when someone’s staring, Kei. It’s like a sixth sense.”
“Good to know. Hindsight is 20/20 and all.”
Another bout of silence follows.
“You can keep staring though,” you say, “if you want to. And calling.”
“Okay,” Kei responds, “I didn’t really plan on stopping.”
“Ha, freaky,” you laugh a little and Kei reaches up to flick the side of your head. “Wanna start going out?”
Kei thinks about this for a moment. He thinks about being able to hold your hand, brush hair out of your face, watch movies on the couch and fix your breakfast the next morning. Then he thinks about not being able to do those things.
“I think I’d be a little upset if we didn’t,” he admits.
“Good,” you say. “Me too.”
He’s fighting off sleep. His eyelids are heavy and he tries to blink away the shroud of rest that’s falling over him. Kei knows you’re fighting it too. Your breathing goes in and out of that familiar breathing that comes with sleep. Kei likes the way it sounds coming from you, restful and quiet.
“We should… really get up to clean just a little,” he mumbles.
“Five more minutes,” you say softly, your voice heavy and laden with drowsiness.
“Okay,” he says.
It’s just five more minutes. Kei fights sleep to hear you breathe like this a little longer.
—
There’s a period after which Kei doesn’t know what to do with himself. Like the awkward start to a new hobby or passion, Kei finds himself enthralled with his budding relationship while simultaneously stumbling continuously along the way. You’re gracious with him though, letting him make mistakes and fumble until he finds his footing.
It’s all very awkward for him, very new. He finds that it’s easier to just do the nice things he wants to do for you than to agonize over it and slowly, he begins to grow comfortable in the relationship that took you both so long to begin.
At first, only Tadashi knew about you both. Kei thought that there was no point in hiding it from him, since you were over at the apartment all the time. Of course, Tadashi somehow already knew. That’s how it usually goes anyway, and Kei is relieved to find that his internal change did not trigger some global shift that would turn his life upside down. Everything is normal, save for the fact that Kei now tries to love without hindrance.
Kei discovers that he’s possessive. That’s a new trait of his that he didn’t know belonged to him. Before you, before Kei had found something he so desperately wanted to keep, he’d been rather detached. Possessiveness was rare because Kei hardly ever got attached enough to want. Now though, he wants so badly that it hurts. You lean into it. Kei suspects that you like it when he wards off people who hit on you, when he pouts a little because he wants to be close to you, when he gets a little jealous. Kei doesn’t really mind it either. After all, despite his possessiveness, he never feels insecure. The both of you make sure of that.
This sunny period with you, the one Kei worried would only last a week, drifts easily from one month into two and before he knows it, it’s been five. Kei had worried about that fundamental change. The one imperceivable to the human eye. He’d worried that slowly, it would begin to spoil what is so good between the two of you.
“Kei,” you snap him out of it, placing a hand on his shoulder, “you okay?”
He sets down his cup of tea, barely touched. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet?” You give him a wry smile. “This was your idea, after all.”
“Yeah, well it was a pretty shit idea actually,” he breathes, “My parents aren’t exactly easy.”
“You want to cancel?” You ask, your eyebrows pulling up in a clumsy attempt to hide your disappointment. Kei can see right through it.
“No,” he shakes his head. “I want you to meet them. I just don’t want you to meet them.”
The truth of it is that Kei would like to cancel. In an ideal world, one where the sun rises on the opposite side of his bedroom window, he’d forget the whole thing and take you out to get dinner and see a movie. Things would be simpler that way, less uncomfortable for the both of you. But as uncomfortable as it is, Kei wants you to be a part of their lives too. You’re too important to not introduce to his parents and Kei can’t see it any other way, though he’d like to.
You snort. “What does that even mean?”
Kei gives you a pointed and somewhat irritated look.
“Okay, sorry,” you raise your hands defensively and walk over to place them on his shoulders. “I know you’re worried, but I think it’s going to be okay. I’m excited.”
Kei huffs out a laugh, unable to vocalize his nerves in their totality. “Excited to meet my dysfunctional, divorced parents that kind of hate each other?”
“Yup. I’m excited to meet the people who raised you.”
Kei smiles a little. “You should meet Akiteru, then,” It’s an exaggeration, but for some reason the prospect of seeing both of his parents together has him feeling a little more bitter than usual, even if it was his idea.
You give him a little grin through narrowed eyes. There’s an understanding that passes from you to him, like you’re acknowledging that you haven’t forgotten what he’d told you nearly six months ago. Kei feels the tension in his shoulders relax a little.
His parents are already at the restaurant when he arrives. It’s a swanky Italian place. The kind you go to on birthdays or for anniversaries, where the pasta dishes are things like lobster mushroom ravioli or truffle oil fettucini in tiny portions. Kei made sure to book somewhere that his parents would have trouble making a scene in, not that they ever had much of a mind for decorum when they were married. He’s surprised to find them chatting cordially when you both arrive.
“Kei,” his mother stands from the table and crosses to give him a hug. He pats her back gently.
“Hi Mom,” Kei responds and she gives him a small smile.
Kei’s dad adjusts the lapel of his suit, the same one he’s had for years, and reaches to give him a hug around one shoulder.
“Guys,” he inhales, “This is my partner, _____.”
You grin at Kei and then introduce yourself formally to his parents. Kei watches in awe as you blend right in, like you’ve known them for many years. He sits down while trying to keep the nerves from his face.
“We’re so happy to meet you,” his mother starts, “Kei’s never introduced us to any of his partners before.”
“I’m the first?” You smile a little, raising an eyebrow at Kei as if to tease him.
“There really haven’t been that many to begin with,” Kei grumbles as if that somehow makes it better.
You laugh again and the ball of conversation begins rolling. His mother tells you how pretty you are and his father nods a quieter approval. They talk about his university’s graduation ceremony, which they attended separately, as if they were together the entire time and then ask about your major, if you graduated with him, where you plan on going. You tell them what you want to do and that you want to go wherever Kei goes. He marvels at how smoothly the evening moves onward.
There are moments where the tension in his family becomes obvious. Little swells or comments that bring up a sour or shameful memory that cannot be ignored. Moments when the air thickens and it feels like the hammer is about to come down. It never does though. The tension, rather than snapping, simply fades away.
He’d expected everything to blow up for some reason. Kei had expected that, like his childhood, the restaurant dishes would end up smashed on the floor. The glassware always ended up broken in the house, why shouldn’t they be broken here to shatter the illusion of things being good? He braces himself for a ball that never drops.
It takes him until the ride home, after a successful dinner, to realize that the dishes haven’t been smashed in years. Not since he was fourteen and his parents fought for custody. Not since his mother got remarried to her now husband almost 6 years ago and his father met his new wife. Kei wonders why he still feels like he lives in that house. The one his parents were at their worst in. Why can’t he feel like he lives in the apartment he rents with Tadashi?
“I think that went well,” you say softly on the drive back.
Kei nods his agreement. “I think so too.”
You don’t bring up the fact that they didn’t fight, or that they spoke about their new kids with each other as if they were old friends. You don’t accuse Kei of being wrong, of being paranoid even though he most definitely was.
“I’m glad that I got to meet them,” you say. “You look so much like your mom.”
“Really?” Kei asks.
“Yeah, you’ve got her eyes and her nose,” you smile a little. “It makes you two look similar.”
“Huh,” he says. “I never really gave that much thought.”
Kei turns the idea that he has his mother’s face over in his head. He’d spent so much time dreading that he was like them on the inside, that he never paused to consider the outside. So much of his life has been spent worrying that he’s just like them. That he breaks the plates and lashes out and acts cruelly even when he’s trying to love. But he has his mother’s eyes and for some reason that unsettles him. It’s like evidence.
“You don’t really act like them though,” you say as if on cue. “You’re a little gentler.”
“Me? Gentle?” Kei scoffs.
“Yeah!” you say. “I mean, sure you’re prickly, but there’s a goodness to you that’s really obvious if you look.”
Goodness. What a strange word to use to describe someone. Kei thinks that if there’s any goodness in him, if there’s anything that hasn’t been tainted by his parents’ sour personalities, it’s from Akiteru. Kei likes to believe that whatever good he got was from him. No matter how strained his relationship with him might be now, Kei is certain of that.
“That’s a relief,” he admits in a flat tone.
After a long pause, he speaks again. “Thanks.”
“For what?” You laugh.
“Bearing with me… and with them,” he says. “Couldn’t have been easy.”
“It was easy,” you say. “Because I wanted to meet them. And I care about you.”
Kei feels color rise to his cheeks. He turns to look in the sideview mirrors as he pulls the car into a parking spot in his apartment complex’s garage.
“You say that stuff so easily,” he huffs.
“What? That I care about you?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I do,” you laugh a little.
Kei’s face grows hotter and he distracts himself by putting the car into park and taking the key out of the ignition.
“Me too,” he says quietly, waiting for you to catch up so that he can take your hand in his. “Sorry that I don’t say it a lot.”
“Not to be rude,” you say, “but even if you never said it at all, it would be obvious. You’re kind of a sucker.”
Kei supposes that that’s true and he gives a small laugh before nudging your shoulder with his. The parking garage is humid and stuffy, but he holds your hand in it anyway.
—
You’re half asleep in bed beside him and your breathing comes in even sweeps the way it does just before you fall asleep. Kei listens to it for a moment, admiring the sound of it and the way your chest feels expanding against his.
He thinks about dinner, about how good it feels to have introduced you. How real it makes this relationship feel despite the uneasiness surrounding his familial situation. Kei thinks about his parents. He thinks about their inability to be good for each other. He thinks about the worst of them, something he’s familiar with, before thinking about the best of them. Kei imagines the way their faces looked at dinner, talking about the children they’re raising properly. They’re good people, they just made each other bad. Molecular shifts that changed them for the worst. The notebook theory in its most frightening form. But they were good too.
Kei thinks about loving you. His reluctance to do so originally isn’t quite beyond him yet. He’s unsure, in fact, if he’ll ever really get past the fear of the fall, the fear of becoming what his parents made each other. But he also thinks about his promise to love you for real. Love is not something that Kei does. He knows now that it's something that happens to him, like it happened to his parents. They loved each other once, even if it made them so blind that they couldn’t see just how bad it made them.
Kei still resents the fact that he was born to fix a marriage that never would have worked in the first place. He resents being a fix rather than a gift, but at the very least, his existence is proof that his parents cared enough about their family to try. Even if it was misguided, at least they tried even a little.
In the quiet after of an emotionally charged evening, loving you seems like an easier task for him now. It’s not hard to love you. What’s hard, Kei thinks, is not hurting you. He carries a lot of baggage that, for a long while, felt like too much. Kei thinks he can manage if it’s for you. He’ll bear the brunt of it. He’ll put in the work.
Yes, Kei is his parents’ son, but he’s also Tadashi’s friend, Akiteru’s brother, the person who loves you. He doesn’t live in the house with a bin full of shards and no glassware anymore.
“Are you awake?” He whispers across the pillow.
“Mhm,” you hum, pushing your cheek into his arm.
“Let’s move in together,” he says.
You tense against him and slowly attempt to blink away sleep. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure,” he responds. “I want to live with you.”
“Okay then,” you smile a little. “Let’s do it.”
—
In the fall, when his lease with Tadashi ends and his friend gives him a tearful, yet somewhat silly goodbye, Kei moves into your new shared apartment. Two small rooms in a modest part of town, a shared kitchen and living room, one bathroom, a mismatch of furniture from both of your old places, and an empty fridge. The first night is spent eating take out on the floor with you in front of a TV with no proper stand. Kei has never been happier.
And in the morning, when the sun comes through the slats of his window, broken up into gentle dots by the orange-leaved trees outside, Kei rises slowly. He rises gently. Kei doesn’t want to wake you, not before he’s made breakfast. He pads out to the kitchen, where boxes are strewn about, half unpacked, and grabs the little brown notebook from the box it’s been temporarily living in. In it, he writes a grocery list full of the things you like. It’s a good enough reason, a good enough change.
The notebook theory.
#tsukishima x reader#tsukishima kei x reader#tsukishima x reader smut#tsukishima kei x reader smut#hq x reader#tsukishima smut#tsukishima kei smut#tsukishima kei fic#[ 📕 – writing ]#she is finally finished i hope u enjoy and that u find it romantic and fulfilling#tw: overstimulation#i may add more warnings and such if i remember to#and pls lmk if i forgot any
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⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚𝓡𝓸𝔂𝓪𝓵 𝓣𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓽 ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆
-green flags & sweet gestures-
Summary: how the boys would give you the royal treatment and how you'd make sure they know they're loved as much as they love you.
Warnings: mentions of food, social anxiety, and showering together (soul's part)
a/n: I love the "princess treatment" hcs, so I wanted to make one for p1h. I say royal treatment bc that just feels more gender neutral for me. Also, this is probably ooc or bad characterization, but everything here is fictional so it isn't a big deal lol.
-keeho-
{giving} drives you everywhere
When he's free, this man is so so insistent about driving you around.
He loves spending time with you, and if he has the time in his busy schedule to be with you, he's gonna take advantage of it.
Even if it means having to deal with rush hour traffic, bad city drivers, or sacrificing sleep for late night rides.
Keeho just loves to be around you, and loves to do things for you. Very much an acts of service lover. He feels good just turning on some background music and listening to you ramble as he keeps his eyes on the road.
{receiving} shoulder & back massages
Please, for the love of everything good in this world, massage his shoulders!
Keeho has so much stress and tension stored in his upper body, mostly neck and shoulders.
If you randomly start massaging those areas he will actually melt, it might hurt a bit at first bc there's so much tension there, but you both can feel the muscles loosen within seconds.
The first time you did it Keeho thought he fell in love with you all over again.
theo
{giving} fixing your clothes
Whether it's tying your shoes, pulling your shirt down if it's riding up, or untangling your accessories, he's on it.
He's pretty observant, definitely notices any outfit, malfunctions or little things before you do. It's also because he is looking at you almost 24/7.
Theo is pretty quick at fixing little issues with your outfit. Half the time you wouldn't even notice till after he's pulling his hands away. He's discreet with any malfunctions and has such a gentle touch.
It gives him an excuse to touch you as well, and he loves being able to help you with the little things.
{receiving} soft flirting
Theo isn't flustered easily, putting up a pretty indifferent face and attitude, which doesn't change much when it comes to you. Ofc he's sweet and shows he loves you, but he's not the most vocal about it
However, the moment you compliment him, he's gone. It's not always obvious, but you can tell by the raised eyebrows and twitch in his lips.
It works the same with pickup lines, specifically cheesy one liners, he will sometimes let out a little giggle if you catch him off guard.
You're never too outwards and aggressive with flirting, neither of you are like that. But soft words and teasing lines are something Theo really likes coming from you.
juing
{giving} good night & good morning texts
It doesn't matter when he goes to sleep or wakes up, this man has your schedule memorized.
Jiung will text you good night and a sweet message around the time he knows you get home from your day.
And get ready for a "good morning sweetheart" text with some encouragement while you're getting ready for your day.
He's so sincere about it too, it's not a chore for him, he genuinely wants to send you little messages to remind you he loves you.
{receiving} surprises & dates
Please please please surprise him with a date! He will have the cutest and biggest smile as soon as you tell him your plan, and it's a gift to see.
It doesn't have to be super fancy or for a special occasion, just plan a little something to do while you spend some time together and he's so happy.
Maybe it's a late night movie marathon with both of your favorite snacks, or a little picnic in the park that you threw together last second. As long as he's with you he'll love it.
It reminds him that he doesn't have to take on every single responsibility, that you care about him and wanna be with him as much as he wants to be with you.
intak
{giving} gentle touches
Intak loves to show affection through touch, pda is his shit {within reason and your boundaries ofc} but he's also so sweet about it.
Loves to hold your hand and play with your fingers, or if his arm is around your waist his thumb will be rubbing little circles on you hip.
It also serves as a good reminder that he's right there next to you, that he's got you no matter what. It's grounding to have him hand gently squeeze yours periodically.
He thinks of you as something precious, he knows you're not breakable yet he still treats you with so much care.
{receiving} sharing foods
You know the saying "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach"? This is basically that, except you don't have to be the one making the food or anything like that.
If you just share a bite of what you ordered, a snack that you so happen to have, or a sip of your fancy cafe drink, he is so grateful.
Even if it's new to him, if you like it he'll try it if you're offering. And if you're the one feeding it to him he will get so giddy and giggly.
He thinks it's so romantic to share food, and also feels like it shows how well you take care of each other. He definitely shares his food too!
soul
{giving} little gifts
He is a trinket connoisseur and collector, so he definitely has a good eye for little gifts, especially if they are for you.
It isn't always silly, a large number of his gifts to you are sentimental. But the silly ones are just as sweet. But he basically always has you on his mind and it shows.
It could be as simple as "it reminded me of you!" to "I remembered that you said you still needed this version, and I thought I'd grab it!" or "This is from where we first met, maybe we should collect things from all the important dates we've had?"
Soul is almost kinda like a crow, he will find something shiny and cute and bring it back to you as a way of showing affection.
{receiving} washing his hair
Y'all have seen that video of Soul walking through the hallway with the dramatic he turns, and how frizzy and puffy his hair is? Yeah, that's what happens a lot of the time if you aren't washing his hair.
Not only does it help the look and health of his hair, he finds it so relaxing when your hands are in his hair, gently working the products into the strands.
Whether it's you showering together or him laying in the bath with you kneeling to the side, it's a sweet experience. One you both treasure.
Also, if you just wanna play with his hair, stick it straight up when it's all soapy or make it into fun shapes, he's so down. Very laid back and cool with whatever you want, just as long as your hands are in his hair.
jongseob
{giving} ordering for you
It doesn't matter if you have anxiety about ordering/talking to strangers or not, he's ordering for you. Not because he thinks you can't, if you really wanna you can, but because he wants you to be relaxed and not have to lift a finger.
It's not even a big deal at this point, y'all will walk into a restaurant and he can rattle off your order in a heartbeat. Seobie memorized stuff pretty fast, and when it comes to you it stays firmly in his head. You're important to him, ofc he remembers everything about you.
And if you are going to a new place and are having trouble deciding what to get, just look at him. Once he knows what he wants, he's looking for stuff he thinks you'd like.
It's a show of care for him, remembering the little things and making sure his lover doesn't have to do any extra work.
{receiving} sharing clothes/accessories
Doesn't matter what size you are, if your sizes are bigger or smaller than his, you're sharing. Either clothes or accessories, or both.
It's an unwritten promise to each other, what's mine is yours. You guys haven't ever really addressed it either, just asking where something is or if you're planning to wear something the other wants that day.
It's a natural thing, and it honestly feeds into the small possessive part of you. Almost like you're staking a claim, but more in a "we belong to each other" type of way
He loves it bc it reminds him of you. Jongseob gets especially happy when your scent lingers on the soft fabric of what was originally his shirt.
#piwon#fluff#kpop#jongseob#p1harmony#p1harmony fluff#p1harmony headcanons#p1harmony scenarios#p1harmony drabbles#keeho#p1h theo#p1h jiung#hwang intak#p1h x reader#p1h soul
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Viper (Part 1)
Batfamily x Batsib!Reader
Part 1 (here) Part 2 (coming soon!)
Ages(probably not accurate, just go with it please): Alfred (Immortal), Bruce (45-ish), Barbara (30), Dick (29), Cass (26), Jason (26), Stephanie (21), Tim (20), Reader (18), Damian (16)
Warning(s): cursing, explosions (not detailed), speak of poison and poisoning, (very) minor violence
Part 2 of this headcannon
A/N: Sorry this took so long 😭. So in the preview I posted I said I'd try using third person and they/them pronouns. It hasn't been working out which is why I didn't post this sooner, I'm sooooo sorry :( I've switched it back to using you because I figured it's still inclusive. Hope you guys enjoy this tho! I’m ngl I had a heart attack bc I thought this draft got lost to the void and I was abt to post it.
—
Your boots pounded ferociously on the concrete as you ran and made a sharp right turn into another alleyway. He wasn't far behind you, it would only be a matter of time before you were caught. You had to lose him, fast. Your heart beat against your ribcage, your breaths came out in pants from your nose. You were sweating, and not just from the physical effort. Despite being a trained assassin, you were nervous. Getting caught would change everything, but you were confident in your abilities. However, that did little to stop the lingering feeling of dread you felt every time he got a little too close. You sped up and turned right again into a narrow alley. The Red Hood, who was chasing you, did not expect this and couldn’t slow down, and passed the alley. Frustrated, he backpedaled and ran down the alley he saw you go into.
He reached the end of the alley and slowed to a stop. The alleyway opened up to an empty street, and there was no sign of you anywhere. All he saw was the odd stains on the alley’s walls, a dumpster, and garbage bags strewn about. He lost you.
“Fuck!” He exclaimed, then kicked the dumpster for good measure.
You jolted in your hiding spot, hopeful he wouldn’t notice the extra weight when he kicked it. Your heart began pounding harder, as if it was trying to escape your body, if he found you, you honestly thought it might. Blood rushed in your ears as you waited with bated breaths. Would he open it? Find you? Compromise everything you’ve worked so hard for? You wouldn’t go down without a fight, but with the Lazarus pit in his blood and not much of it in yours, you doubted you’d be able to take him with strength alone. You’d have to be smart about it, as always. Though you didn’t know how your poisons would affect someone the Lazarus pit had such a strong hold on, you’d stupidly never tried it before. You doubt your mother or grandfather would’ve approved of it, as they would’ve been the ones you tested it on (never Damian, you’d never do that to your precious little sibling), but the knowledge would’ve been helpful at the moment. You desperately hoped that he wouldn’t find you, so you wouldn’t have to find out on him. You didn’t want to kill him after all, he’s a part of Damian’s new family. You couldn't ruin your little sibling's chance at a family, at least one of you could find happiness.
After agonizing moments that seemed like years with your overactive brain, you heard him mutter a few more profanities and his footsteps receded. You held your breath as you waited and observed the sounds you heard. Water dripped from somewhere, most likely a roof, and then rustling. Your heart began to pound harder, assuming he was searching, only for you to hear a quiet ‘meow’ and instantly relax. Once you were sure no one was there, you carefully lifted the dumpster lid and peeked. No one. Perfect. You slinked out of the dumpster and grimaced at the smell. Gross, yes, but it worked. It wasn't by far the worst place you've hidden in, but you'd definitely need to shower as soon as you got back to your hideout. The things you do for this job. You trudged in the direction of your current main base of operations, taking great care to stay out of everyone's sight, especially Oracle's.
—
That was your first run-in with Red Hood. It took him longer than expected to figure out what was going on. Took him even longer to find you. You didn't mind though, it gave you more time to work with. It wouldn't be long before Red Hood kept failing to catch you and decided to involve the Big Bad Bat, though. With Batman would come Robin, then Red Robin, and then Nightwing. If Robin found out, it would ruin the whole plan.
The plan was simple, really. Take over Gotham's underground unnoticed, gather members and create a gang, find a perfect time to cause a gang war to distract the Batfamily, and then Talia would initiate her plans to take over Gotham while the bats are busy. Well, that's what the agreed plan was. You'd always been a loose cannon. Since Red Hood had been so close to catching you, the "unnoticed" part had been foiled, albeit a bit later than anticipated.
"Hey boss, what brings you in today?" Your loyal henchman, Hopper asked you.
"We've got a job to do. Grab some explosives. We're sending a message."
—
“These places feel haunted.” Willow, another one of your most trusted henchmen, said as she placed one of the four explosives into place.
“It’s probably the Joker’s victims’ souls, he loves warehouses, like typical villains. Maybe they’re here to warn us, ‘Don’t go into the basement, that’s where we’re buried!’. Or maybe they’ll kill us, who knows.”
“This isn’t a joke, you’re scaring me Tina!”
“You guys done?” You ask impatiently, but reluctantly slightly amused.
“Yup.”
—
"Seven simultaneous explosions have just been spotted around the perimeter of the city."
"Head to the site closest to your current location. If you're paired with someone, split up. Oracle, call in Nightwing and Red Hood if possible. Do not engage with anyone, survey the damage only. "
"Yes sir!" Chirped Spoiler.
—
After two hours, at 3 am, everyone returned to the cave.
“I take everything I said about explosions back, I hate explosives.”
“Welcome to the club, Timmy! I’ve hated explosives ever since-”
A chorus of groans resonated throughout the batcave, “We know, Jason!”
“You’re not special Todd, most of us here have died in one way or another.”
“Yeah but have you-”
As Damian and Jason began bickering and the whole group headed to the lockers, Dick pulled Bruce aside.
“B, I didn’t want to say this in front of the others, but I think something bigger is going on. I found these objects around the warehouse I investigated.”
Batman took the bag Nightwing offered and observed the strange objects. Metal letters. Two A’s, one I, one L, and one T.
“It spells Talia.” He observes.
“She would never do something like that if she was behind it, and she wouldn’t leave a calling card, especially not in that form.”
"I know. Hmm. The damage seemed deliberate. It only destroyed the warehouses on the edge of the city. It caused minimal to no damage to surrounding properties."
"You're saying whoever did this is sending a message, about Talia." Nightwing inquired.
"Precisely."
“But who would do this? And why would they warn us? And what exactly are they warning us about? They must be close to her to have an idea of what she’s planning.”
“We’re going to find out.” He says, then turns to Tim, who had just exited the lockers. "Red Robin, check all security footage at all explosion sites and around them, report back all your findings."
Red Robin nods and heads to the Batcomputer to get to work.
—
Dun dun dunnnnn! So how'd you like it? It's been a while since I've wrote anything and it's because I hit a MAJOR writing block. Hope you enjoyed! I was fighting with these tags fr
Tags: @shakespear-picaso-lovechild @rosemary1225 @azazel-nyx @chevelledahuman
@snowcatlove
@danonered @cantbecreative
#batfam x reader#batfamily#batfamily x reader#batfamily x reader imagine#batfamily imagine#batfamily imagines#batfam#batfam x batsib#damian wayne#jason todd#dick grayson#tim drake#cassandra cain#stephanie brown#bruce wayne#damian wayne x sibling!reader#damian wayne x reader#damian wayne x biological!sib!reader#tim drake x reader#tim drake x sibling!reader#tim drake x batsib#damian wayne x batsib#jason todd x batsib#jason todd x reader#jason todd x sibling!reader#dick grayson x reader#dick grayson x batsib#dick grayson x sibling!reader#x reader#cassandra wayne
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Hi,Ummm,good morning/night
Can I request something regarding the Rottmnt boys,I want them their love at first sight with a female reader in a school ay(More like a mix between the Yokai/mutant/human society
(No rush,It's ok if you don't want to do it and stuff,It's totally fine to take your time☺️,Have a nice day/night)
Love at first sight
Aged up! Rottmnt x fem! Reader
(somewhere around their 20s)
Warnings:
None
A/N: this was so hard to do for me for some reason (especially Mikey and Raph), i had to think for a few days for certain scenarios and this might come late bc i rlly want it to be good. Im sorry if it isnt what u expected 🙏
You were an English teacher who recently started working at a new school. Youre quite nervous, but exciting at the thought of what awaits you with this sudden change.
Donnie
- Donnie was one of those strict science teachers that nobody dared to underestimate.
- At first, he didnt seem too interested when he heard of a new teacher who started working there.
- hes never even been a romantic type, he honestly didnt care and let fate decide if he gets a partner or not.
- When he saw you for the first time though, he thought he might be hallucinating.
- "Oh sweet Galileo help me.."
- you probably immediately checked his "cute but mean" type without even saying a single word
- He became more interested in you, talking to you more often, even at times asking u to meet up during the break.
- "Hey, uhm.. Could i maybe interest u in some coffee during the break?"
- he thought all of this "romantic feeling" thing wasnt real, but he seriously cant help but fall for you.
Leo
- Leo is obviously the laid-back cool Spanish teacher.
- Almost every student liked him, he was chill and even jokes around
- (he once drew donnie on the board with a huge forehead and wrote "megamind" next to it)(no, donnie did not take that well)
- He was quite interested when he heard of a new teacher, hell he was probably the first one to interact with you out of his brothers
- The second he saw you, this mf fell straight face down in love with you
- "oh mi gosh thats the new teacher?! Shes gorgeous! Do you see her Donnie?! You see her?! Oh i so need to get her number!!"
- tries to act sly and flirt with you
- and fails miserably
- "Hey there hermosa, how do you feel about a date? Ya know, just you and me? *Wink wink* *leans on wall, trips and falls miserably*"
- (A/N: i cried writing that)
Mikey
- Mikey is the sweet art teacher and students enjoy being around him, but yet again they probably wont dare to underestimate his "Dr. Delicate touch" side
- He was quite excited when he heard about a new teacher.
- When he saw you, he suddenly felt nervous and flustered. And he knew why.
- at this point, everyone but you knew abt how he admires you, a little more than in the friendly way.
- He couldnt get the courage to go and talk to you, which put Dr. Feelings to shame
- When you actually started talking tho, you got quite close.
- Youd be with him almost every break
- You would often stay in his classroom/art studio and watch him paint during the lunch break
- and during those times he even asks u to pick his colours
- "Hey Y/n, which colour do you think would suit the ladies dress more? Red or blue?"
- Sometimes you even jokingly ask to be his model, but in all honesty he doesn't mind at all
- you guys were an inseparable duo, and he caught himself falling more and more for you
Raph
- He's the PE teacher, hes fun but strict when he needs to be.
- He doesnt mind that theres a new teacher, hes quite excited abt it actually - he would gladly want to meet you.
- First thing that catches his eye is that he thinks youre really pretty.
- He's most likely stuttering during ur first convo now😭
- Hes super sweet, bringing you coffee and/or lunch, helping u out with random teacher stuff, checking up of u, ect
- "Hey! How you feeling? I brought you some coffee.. if youd like."
- Hes so shy, but he cant help but feel his heart flutter every time you thank him or show appreciation towards him
A/N: Raph was so hard and i know it's not accurate at all. Ive literally been beating my ass up bc of him cuz i didnt have any ideas😭😭 this took super long and I'm really sorry about that, i hope it turned out the way u wanted🙏 anyways its 1AM so im js posting this cuz i have nothing else to do😔
#rise of the tmnt#rise leo#rise!donnie x reader#rottmnt mikey#rottmnt donnie#raphael rottmnt#rottmnt leo#rottmnt#rottmnt x reader#rottmnt x you#rottmnt donnie x reader#rottmnt raph x reader#rottmnt mikey x reader#rottmnt leo x reader#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rise leo x reader#rise mikey#rise donnie#rise of the turtles#tmnt 2018#rottmnt fluff#rise disaster twins#leonardo tmnt#tmnt donnie#tmnt raphael#tmnt mikey#leo x reader#donnie x reader#rise donnie x reader#rise raph x reader
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big big marvey fic rec list
marvey is currently my most bookmarked ship, so trust me when i say i've been around the bend for marvey content. i have dug through a lot of it the past few months, so trust that these fics have been highly rated!
fics are loosely grouped, with the summary and my thoughts under the cut :3 no spoilers ofc bc i love you
MY PERSONAL FAVOURITES
A Specter-Ross Affair by @frivoloussuits (15k+, au)
“You ordered an ‘extra-hot, extra-wet cappuccino, single-origin, properly layered, to-go and ready five minutes ago to make up for your service speed or lack thereof.’”
In which Mike is a barista, Rachel is a lawyer, and Harvey is paid excessive amounts of money to plan their joyous Christmas wedding.
"Love is just a particularly socially accepted form of fraud. It's a series of increasingly complex and fragile deceptions between two or more people, and, more alarmingly, between each participant and their own deluded subconscious."
i literally cannot recommend this fic enough. this might be my favourite read of the entire year, dead serious. this sounds fluffy but trust me, the pining and the angst go well like salt on a chocolate chip cookie: extremely decadent. everything about this fic goes insane and this should be your gateway drug into marvey, im so serious about this. READ IT. (weddingplanner!harvey)
of all the gin joints by @frivoloussuits (10k+, au)
Hanging around a neighborhood bar one night, Harvey befriends a guy named Mike after realizing they can both quote The Princess Bride on demand.
In the law offices of Rand, Kaldor, Zane and Pearson, senior partner Harvey Specter takes on an unusual case, representing his managing partner's daughter as she divorces a Michael James Ross.
Harvey sees no connection until it's far too late.
"They’re playing a virtuosic duet with inhuman ease, as if the intoxication has broken their boundaries and blurred them into a single entity."
this. obsessed with fics that really use the law in their plots, and this is a prime example. a lot of chemistry in this one that is described in a way that makes you jealous of the bond they share and there are still lines in this fic that i think about almost everyday but honestly, such a top-tier read. PLEASE PLEASE IF YOU LIKE SUFFERING ANF REALLY REALLY GOOD CHEMISTRY PLEASE
5U175 by Closer (26k, canon-adjacent)
Harvey sometimes moonlights as a Star Trek BNF. Mike might have an attitude problem on the internet. TiberiusGhost is strangely compelling, for a recluse who never goes to meetups, and Harvey's finding this kid Photohead vaguely familiar…
i know that the terminology in this one is hella old-school but trust me. as someone who doesnt read a lot of fandom fics, this fic has changed it all for me (also bc the author replied to my comment hehehe) stick with this fic because the way fandom weaves with the character development is absolutely delicious, i remember saying this in my og comment but this fic was written with love for fandom and you should definitely read it too!!! you'd absolutely love it! (also ben stans rise up ^^)
fics to sink your teeth into (20k+)
needs must by @melthemagpie (98k+, au)
When Grammy needs an upgrade in care, Mike knows that the usual one-off gig as a paid submissive won't be enough. He takes a job he's been refusing for a while - a long-term, full-time contract.
He expects his client to be a sadistic asshole. He expects not to like it. He's wrong on both counts.
this is a fandom classic, every fic rec has this on the list (cw for dom/sub and prostitution, so if you're uncomfy please dont read) but i swear there are so many romantic moments in this one that make me swoon and the smut is very good, i usually tap out in long fics really quickly but this hooked me the whole way through twice. thats my ringing endorsement, READ THIS
Lobster and Other Catastrophes by @andthetardis (21k, canon-compliant)
After months of silence, Mike starts texting Harvey again out of the blue.
Funny thing to do on his honeymoon, really.
BRO PLEASE. this was so good. angsty and pining-y enough even though it's mostly a text fic. text fics to me are more like comedic, but this one had substance and heart (and funny and enjoyable btw). pulls you in and really makes you want to stick it out and get to the beautiful ending <333 (harvey being soft is probably a category on its own :3)
The Game by @frivoloussuits (27k, hunger games au)
Harvey Specter and Donna Paulsen are efficient and elegant killers. They have trained since childhood, mentored personally by Jessica Pearson and marked for years as District 1's Tributes for the Hunger Games.
Mike Ross is an orphan from District 12, a drug dealer, and an underage gambler. After years of scrutinizing the Hunger Games on TV to make savvy bets, he finds himself on the wrong side of the camera, now playing the odds just to survive.
Harvey and Mike cannot, should not trust each other. Still, they strike a backroom deal.
"Because he’s clever and quick-thinking and he’s learned her main lesson well– don’t love anyone you wouldn’t be willing to see dead. Ideally, don’t love anyone at all."
I READ THIS WHEN I WAS REVISITING HUNGER GAMES AND OHHHHH THIS HAS THE ANGST. absolutely riveting. ths is the third fic im reccing from them bc i love frivoloussuits. i would die for them HHFSHFHKSDGDHFG i love the angst and the life-threatening situations that the hunger games provide and harvey as a career is correct. its just correct. everything here grips my soul
Disaster Stories by agatestones (22k, canon-compliant)
"Hold on," Mike asked, "you made Donna come into work in the middle of a blizzard?"
"I don't make Donna do anything. Haven't you learned by now?" Harvey gave Mike a mean little smile, but under that was relief for anyone to see. "You, I can make come into the office in a blizzard."
reads like a novella to me, and it's really good!!! very episodic and you really feel like these are things that have happened in universe. its very slice of lifey and i reread it a lot as a comfort read, its like a big hug to me
Pizza and a Movie by Closer (30k+, au)
In an alternate universe, Harvey's still a lawyer but Mike's not a pot runner -- he's a deliveryman for Rollo's Pizza and Ribs, which happens to be Harvey's favorite pizza place. Once Harvey finds out his pizza guy is a genius, Mike's life takes a few turns he would not have expected...
i swear this is the most rom-commy fic marvey has to offer. i like aus that slap me in the face more with the alternate universe, but this is such a rom-com plot. fandom classic as well and it really reads like a hugh grant 90s movie and if thats not enough to pull you in idk what will tbh
Imprimatur by Closer (22k, au)
Mike was raised to believe Imprint was a life-changing event for those few lucky enough to experience it. Harvey was raised to believe it was a form of mental illness. When it actually happened, neither of them noticed.
this goes absolutely crazy. one of those fics where you read it and you almost want to throw your phone at the wall because the characters could make it so easy if they werent so stupid (but in a good way of course) but the way it was written, you feel the depth of the soulmate bond and why its so important (which a lot of soulmate aus forget to do loll) but goes down like an expensive and delicious dinner :)
afternoon reads (10k+)
Sony SRF-39FP by @frivoloussuits (11k+, canon-adjacent)
Anita Gibbs won’t settle for Mike, not when there are name partners within her reach. She offers only one deal– two years, no other charges against anyone else in the firm, as long as Harvey Specter turns himself in. And even as Donna and Jessica and Louis and Mike beg him not to, he jumps on the grenade.
“Time to get busy living or get busy dying,” he remarks, and Mike gives a small chuckle. Then Harvey smirks, straightens his suit jacket, and strides into FCI Danbury.
“I can’t believe they’re trying to lock you in a box and forget about you,” Mike sighs as he leaves.
“Well, as long as you don’t forget me, I figure I’ll survive.”
“Maybe you haven’t noticed, but forgetting’s never been my strong suit.
cw for depersonalization and desc of solitary confinement, very very heavy but the way mike is there throughout everything makes my heart twinge. i really dont know how to describe this fic at all but its really good. it makes me cry a lot. also made me start listening to jazz which- uh
Here at the end of all things by @tattooedsiren (10k, au)
When he arrives at the Pearson Hardman building the lights are dimmed and the floor is deserted. His feet carry him to Harvey's office even though he expects it to be empty. Because Harvey probably fled the city via helicopter or teleporter or sheer force of will. But when he approaches the office he can see that Harvey is there. He has moved the couch so that it now faces the floor to ceiling windows and Mike silently sits beside Harvey, joins him in looking down at the chaos engulfing the city below. [Apocalypse AU]
I LOVE APOCALYPSE FICS UP UP UP badass!harvey makes me bark, but im a really big fan of people who find happiness in the worst circumstances and this fic does it so so so well. reminds me a lot of tlou episode like 2? the one with the strawberries. please this is what i revisit when i miss marvey and i dont have a lot of time because the world and the characters are jsut so delicious!!!
quick reads (1k+)
This Love is Silent by kim47 (8k, canon-compliant)
She should have known.
She had known, that something was off, at least. She knew he was hiding something. She just never imagined it could be this.
Despite Harvey's warnings, Mike tells Rachel the truth about everything. She's shocked, naturally, and more than a little angry, but she agrees to keep his secret, and even to date him.
So when they break up, Harvey goes into damage-control mode.
RACHEL!! HELLO RACHEL!! im always up for smart and discerning rachel (this shows up in of all the gin joints too btw!!!) this runs realistic to me because it shows that rachelxmike arent some hopelessly wrong for each other couple, they have good and bad times. this feels more real to me than other fics bc its not like the world conspires for marvey to be apart, its just life. i know this makes it sound so sad, and it is, but trust me: this is really really really good i love this so much
an archive of harvey specter's expressions by @frivoloussuits (2k, canon-compliant)
Five old expressions that Mike rediscovers in new contexts once he and Harvey are (finally) together, and one that he sees for the first time.
Alternatively titled “An Ode to Gabriel Macht’s Face.”
this was written for me. this is literally me. writing fic because gabriel macht is too pretty, like this fic is literally for me. a lot of peering at him to get this fic as masterfully written as it is, and i thank you author everyday for it. to me, this reads like it's been written with love and care and true adoration (Truly, like Mike)
Coffee-Cart Client Privilege by @frivoloussuits (7k, au)
Mike runs a coffee cart. The coffee cart.
"Why not? They're too big and dense to be a snack." So are you, Mike thinks, and yet.
IM SORRY I KEEP RECCING FRIVOLOUS SUITS THEYRE MY FAVOURITE WRITER IN THIS FANDOM HFBKABFDKHFBHKDSA this has the hand-wavy logic the show has itself but mike's internal monologue in this one is one of the best ive ever read and the way mike's integrated in the offices is just so well-done ahhhh
Objection by yeah its frivoloussuits again i feel bad tagging them like 7 times (2k, canon-adjacent)
When Mike announces he’s leaving, Harvey plans to hide the jagged pieces of his broken heart deep inside, where no one will ever find them.
His heart would like to object.
BIGG fan of physical hurt/comfort!!!! also big fan of people absolutely freaking out in the hospital in fics, it makes me bounce of the wall!! very short but the angst and love really hits you quick and leaves you on the floor gasping for air. very good (also cant prove this but im very sure this is a scrubs reference.t hanks)
Excerpts From The Gospel of Harvey Specter, edited by Michael "Forever Awesome" Ross, 2011, 1st Ed, by @rcmclachlan (7k, canon compliant)
Mike can totally read people. Well, most people. Some people. Or maybe just Harvey, who's pretty much an open book.
this one's really funny! it doesent follow direct prose and instead plays a lot with the setting its in (where mike's a documenter of harvey) and its just so funny and adorable. has a lot of heart too, it isn't just crack or anything but you really feel everything mike does as he writes all this, read this!!1
One More Sleepless Night by @sal_si_puedes (9k, au)
Soul Bonds are one-sided – there’s usually mutual affection, but only one party feels the crippling need to be together as often as possible. If separated at length from their love, that party becomes crushed by longing, panic, and sheer hopelessness, and so it is illegal to forcibly keep Soulmates apart.
Some days, Harvey Specter hates the Bond that skews his judgement and weakens his resolve, and he fears what would happen if anyone in his world ever discovers he is so compromised. He certainly never planned to disclose the Bond for the first time in the middle of Anita Gibbs’ office, in a last-ditch attempt to invalidate the deal sending Mike to prison.
HSDGFHSDKGHRLKGHK THIS FIC. i love fics that use more than just prose to tell their stories (see above fic) and this does my favourite thing that soulmate aus do, which is where they integrate in-universe explanations for the phenomenon. the amount of work and dedication put into this fic makes it absolutely sing and was absolutely lovely!!
also pspspsps
golden like the daffodils by @mini-mart (2k, canon-compliant)
Poetry holds meaning, for anyone who reads it. It obscures and dances around the literal and metaphorical, because it’s imbued with so much of something that it overflows out of any definition. It can make someone mad, or lovesick, or aroused, and the reactions would be absolutely warranted.
Mike is poetry, to Harvey.
-
Harvey Specter could be a good politician, as he believes in pragmatism over poetry. He won't let his progress fall apart, won't let someone knock it down.
And then someone unceremoniously cracks open a suitcase at his feet.
Or: Harvey, pretty boys and poetry.
yeah yeah i wrote this yeah yeah self promo smth smth
there's a lot more that isn't here but i'll probably write a new one when i go for a deep dive through the ship tags again :3
^^ ao3 etiqutte applies! if you like the fic, kudos and comment and bookmark!! show your love! happy reading marveys! my gift to u :3
#marvey#suits tv#suits#mike ross#harvey specter#marvey fic recs#marvey fic#ao3#fic rec list#fic recs#tbr#fanfiction#103#GUYS PLEASE READ THIS#mikexharvey#read this
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