#but its hard to talk about those things if i dont acknowledged the ways it fucks up in that regard

[bnnuy-wabbit]

this entire Music Taste debate thing re:rap is getting annoying really fast. Im not USian enough for this.

[autisticlee]

I know it's wrong and bad to say this, but sometimes I really hate when my friends have other friends. (specifically when I can't also be friends with those friends) because every time I want someone to hang out with or talk to, the only couple friends I have are always busy with their other friends. when I want to plan something with them, they will always choose the other friends over me. they will cancel plans *with* me as soon as other friends ask, but won't cancel plans *for* me when i ask. they will use up their social spoons on other friends and leave none for me. always putting things with me off or simply not responding at all.

i'm always told by random people when I say I want mkre friends "it's better to have a couple great friends than many aquantances" or something like that. but honestly it sucks because you can't rely on 1-2 people to always be there for you every day or every week when you want or need someone. if you keep asking, you're seen as annoying and clingy and they will ignore you eventually (or worse)

it's annoying that they get to fill their social needs at all times, but I never get to. because i'm never the one that gets to go first in the social queue. and when it gets to my turn, it refreshes and i'm pushed to the back again.

the only solution I can ever think of is being friends with my friends' friends too....but for some reason!!!!!! that never works out!!!! (if my friends will even share their friends with me to begin with)

[caffeinatedopossum]

Not triggering just personal

I really need to vent about being asexual and sex repulsed but I feel like no one will understand and I get how a lot of the things I think will sound but I really just need to for once get these thoughts off my chest without having them being morally appraised because they *aren't* my morals, they're just things I can't change.

And I don't want people to TRY to change it either! Or to try to figure what ~hOrRiBle trAuMas~ could have possibly made me "this way". It's not that I think there's nothing wrong with me, it's just that this thing needs to stay neutral to me if I ever expect to actually understand it. I want people to stop morally appraising and physcoanalyzing my sexuality through the lense of inherent trauma!!

I just want to talk about this without feeling like I need to put a disclaimer before every sentence, explaining why I feel the way that I feel. I don't know ok! I don't know why I feel the way that I feel sometimes. I'm just doing my best and I wish more people would understand that. Maybe you don't get an explanation because this is my identity and doesn't need to be justified. I just want to understand myself.

[perilegs]

if someone has a crush on you how would you react? just as a hypothetical situation ha ha

[piejumper]

Did a reread of chainsaw man to solidify my thoughts on part 1 and more specifically to get a better view of my problems with it. tw for themes and discussions of incest and sexualization of minors and spoilers for chainsaw man, long post below the readmore

Reread chainsaw man part 1 to refresh my thoughts on it and approach it again after the initial feelings if being so taken in with the spectacle and horror of it have faded and I think I've settled a little on why I like it and also why I don't like it, because of the more glaring flaws it has and why they're probably gonna explode into controversy later.

One of the things about it that still make me uncomfortable in a serious way is its approach to sensuality in regards to the relationships denji forms that aren't sexual in relation to characters like power and specifically how it's depicted visually, and how the Manga as a whole has a serious issue with sexualizing minors in a way that I feel the narrative doesn't justify enough to clearly land what (i think) is its messages and how it damages how its trying to frame the way in which denji is exploited by the women around him because of his traumatic and neglected childhood and warped preception of love as a result.

Specifically with how the imagery in the later half of chainsaw man when denji is supposed to be taking care of power as like a sibling the author seems to exploit the fact that they aren't related to insert a lot of really uncomfortably sensual positioning where it didn't need to be for the message of denji not viewing the relationships he has with her as needing to be as a physically romantic one either.

And while it's not actually bad that this approach was used removed from context as a way of showing denji's relationship with a girl he lives with that he met only recently in his life that hes come to care for, it's the retroactive recontextuallized perception later that denji and power were meant to be viewed as siblings that I feel damages the integrity of the moments because fujimoto has a skeevy past when it comes to how he depicts brother and sibling relationships in his other work and his seeming fascination with themes of incest in his previous works like fire punch and one one-off he did that's escaping me.

I don't feel he dose a good job of carefully exploring the messy and terrible complexities of incestuous relationships to do the subject matter the justice it deserves for people hurt by them without depicting it in a fetishistic and voyeuristic light. And that extends to how he chose to depict the other exploitative relationships involving women in the Manga esp the ones that are minors.

And his use of sexualized imagery in that regard i feel also fails to not be an inherently fetishistic and objectifying display in places where that display doesn't add anything or enough to the story in a way that justifies it. I like the story fujimoto told with the elements he included outside of these visual elements, but his usage of serious subject matter in ways that fail to not actually avoid or condem the incredibly fucked up implications they have and it makes his work feel surface level and exploitative in itself and hurts the kind of people irl that the story itself is supposed to be about and the horrible relationships hes supposed to be exploring.

It could be argued that these are problems more endemic to Manga as a whole but in this case that the extent fujimoto takes these kinds of things I feel far extends past what's the norm and also regardless of conventions are, are things that should be criticized and are examples of a more core problem with his work.

Reze is the primary example of this outside of power that comes to my mind when I think of this because in a few ways the manner in which she's shown in an objectifying light do make sense because she's meant to be denji's first real shot with someone like him and in the context of denji thinking about her in the way a horny teenager dose it makes sense he would be thinking of her in that light, but in outside material and the way this is visually approached in the manga reze is fetishized despite the fact that she's supposed to be around the same age as denji who is *16* in cannon at that point, despite the fact that we never get an actual answer about how old she is, making it so the Manga dances on the line when it comes to actually crossing the line.

It's hard trying to describe the way that this occurs because while I was reading I was seeing how the ways these moments happen most of the time can have deeper meanings that do reinforce the fact that what you're watching happen to denji is fucked up and exploitative and also why denji is doing the things he dose, and I do think that csm overall dose keep in line with that idea, but as fujimoto pushes that envelope he crosses the line in a number of areas that make it feel like cms is caught in between trying to be a story that engages with fucked up subject matter in a critical way, with Being a voyeuristic spectacle for that fucked up subject matter and that really sucks.

Tl;dr I don't think fujimoto did a good job with his approach to sexuality in csm, it being voyeuristic and objectifying with the serious subject matter he engaged with in certain areas

[honeytonedhottie]

starting ur healing journey⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🩹🎀

healing is so important for us to function and have good quality of life. a lot of the time its easy to brush ur mental and emotional health underneath the rug but its just as important as ur physical health, if not more important. take care of urself…💬🎀

SHADOW WORK ;

shadow work is a form of journalling that focuses on confronting our "shadows" or parts of us that we dont know well, to help kind of understand ourselves better, why we respond to certain situations the way we do etc. it rly dives into urself and ur shadows.

HOT TIP ; if u search shadow work prompts on pinterest they have some rly rly good prompts, thats where i get all of my prompts. i also have a couple posts that include shadow work prompts…💬🎀

the most common way i see people do shadow work, and the way i do it, is by using shadow work prompts and choosing a few that resonate with me. i'd answer the prompt in depth and talk about it in my journal. shadow work has helped me heal in so many ways and i highly recommend it if ur thinking about starting to do shadow work every now and then.

WHAT DO U STRUGGLE WITH ;

recognizing what triggers you and things that u struggle with help you to identify the underlying source. this is called being more aware of urself, so i challenge u to dig deeper into urself and try and find out what the BIG idea is.

some things to take note of when ur trying to identify the deeper reasons for ur behaviors, feelings etc is to look at…💬🎀

♡ what do i value

♡ what do i have the strongest opinions towards

♡ what is something that i think of all the time/why do i think that all the time

by also looking at ur biggest fears, ur strongest opinions and ur deeply held values u can kind of understand what u value most and where ur insecurities and fears stem from. something that u can also look to is the things that u regret...

STRUGGLE WITH REGRET ;

first off, understand that u should recognize, reflect and then move on because living in a past moment is stagnant and u can't expect urself to heal if ur doing so. the only thing that u rly can do is heal from it and learn from whatever u regret so much so that then in the future u dont repeat those same things.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING GENTLE WITH URSELF ;

practice self compassion!! i swear everyone is so kind to literally everyone EXCEPT for themselves. give urself a break and humanize urself. u can do this by allowing urself to make mistakes and forcing urself out of the shame cycle. you are allowed to make mistakes cuz your human!! stop being so hard on urself.

furthermore remembering to be gentle with urself can cultivate a better relationship with self. acknowledge ur feelings and remember that whatever emotions ur feeling are totally normal and valid. doing things like…💬🎀

♡ journalling and nurturing urself, ur being gentle with urself and to me thats rly important when embarking on ur self healing journey

WAYS TO SHOW URSELF THAT U CARE ;

♡ practicing forms of self care and grooming - ur showing urself the love that u deserve and that ur worth taking care of and putting in effort for

♡ being mindful of ur health through what u eat, how much u sleep etc

♡ walking away from toxic situations, people etc and protecting ur peace in doing so

♡ getting fresh air everyday and moving ur body

♡ focus on urself and your needs before focusing on the needs of other people. you first.

SEEK AND YOU'LL FIND ;

lately most of my worries and the thing that has been putting the biggest strain on my mental health is things that i dont have the answer to. and by seeking help from some of my moots and my friends and searching on my own for answers that satisfied my curiosity i feel like i can live yk? cuz im constantly in a state of wondering and asking myself things that ik stress myself out and im working on breaking that cycle…💬🎀

[horrorshow]

Can you talk about why you think blocking and moving on is a bad thing? I thought it was a way to curate your space and avoid drama

idk maybe i'm too idealistic but fandom is a much more friendlier, welcoming, supportive, creative, engaging, active, diverse and interesting space when it's treated like a community where people are encouraged to participate and talk about their interests and where there's space for niche or more unpopular opinions without these people having to worry about being blocked and feel unwelcome by the majority of the fandom they are in. i can't stand how blocking everyone you disagree with has become the first thing to do.

you say its 'to curate your experience'. but blocking people does not only curate YOUR experience. you're also forcefully curating other users' experiences. and not for the better.

people say 'i will block you for literally anything' and then those same people wonder why engagement is down, why no one sends asks, why no one reblogs, why rarely anyone talks in the tags anymore and why this place feels so dead and boring and quiet. i wonder why!!!!

people treat real people as annoying ads they can dispose of at their whim. but that's not how a fandom or a site like tumblr works. (besides, if you really care about people curating their own experience you wouldn't block people. you can filter and blacklist and never see them again while still granting them the same freedom instead of actively making their experience worse.)

you say its to avoid drama. but seeing a post you dont agree with is not 'drama'. and blocking is not solving anything except for you personally. fandom was more fun when we remembered that every user is a real person you share a space with, and probably some mutuals as well, so you find a way to live with each other. starting with a restraining order seems a bit excessive and is not contributing to anything. it's not that hard to be respectful and tolerate others and acknowledge people have different opinions and interests and still co-exist in peace. its not that hard to be nice to people and try to find common ground with them and interact with the stuff you DO like. you do this in every aspect of your real life, so why not online?

i hear you say: 'but that requires WORK and i don't NEED to do any of that bc i can just block them'.

yeah, you can try to create your own bubble and only hang out with like minded people but you wont EVER fully achieve that (no matter how much you block, social media WILL keep feeding you posts you disagree with bc it makes them money). social media WILL pressure you into an 'us vs. them' mentality where you constantly feel like everything online is a threat or an argument you have to win and where being mean and unnuanced gives you the most notes and where you don't even see, let alone be able to treat, other users as people anymore bc you don't interact with them anymore other than to block or fight them. that's not how i want it to be online. it's not fun to me. and maybe i'm a pessimist but i think it will eventually be the death of online fandom and sites like tumblr. look at the state of twitter right now. DOES blocking give you a better experience in the long run? i doubt that it does. overall, i think it makes people even less tolerable and more vulnerable to hate and fear mongering, and social media an even more hostile place.

it's everything i hate about social media and everything i want to fight against and WILL fight against. i won't pretend my meager contribution will change anything, but i LIKE to just scroll past posts i don't vibe with and not see every argument online as a personal offense. it keeps me curious. most posts aren't that bad when you know the person behind it. i mean, you do you, i'm not gonna say what you should or shouldn't do bc that's up to you, but i recommend it: free yourself of the block button and bring back supportive user communities based on a shared love for the same thing and focus on what you have in common with people, just like you would do in real life. save the block button for the rotten apples who DO keep trying to pick fights and exclude others.

(which is, now that i think about it, probably the main difference: most people see the block button as a neutral way to prevent worse. but. that's only the case on an individual level. and treating everything online as an individual choice to which there are no further consequences, especially if they happen on a larger scale, is already a loss.)

[slutshamethesquirrels]

Shamesy's Suguru Analysis (Part 1)

so, recently, i have been what the ladies call "miffed as shit" over geto analyses i've seen floating around. so im here to give you ShamesysPookieBBG!Suguru , the way i know him.

firstly and foremost: a little bit of a warning, and something that i didnt see others tell their audience:

i am. an idiot. kay? i am a fat white girl from southern appalachia that sells fucking pottery for a living. i am not jesus christ, or gege akutami. i can only give you what i know from my countless re-reads and re-watches of jjk, particularly hidden inventory.

i have, however, recieved so. goddamn. many. compliments on the way i characterize suguboo in all the different AU's i throw him into.

what im saying is, take this less as fact and more as "if you wanna see geto like shamesy does this is how she got there".

also, it is my humble opinion that stsg is cannon. if that pisses you off, take your hatin' ass to the other geto analyses that refuse to mention it as if it isn't an extremely important part of his character.

alright boys, i got my la croix and my playlist, lets jump into it~~

Part 1: Anime vs Manga

In the beginning, Gege Akutami created the AU. And the ball swallower was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Mappa moved upon the face of the waters.

Okay, okay, I have briefly mentioned this before, but i'll reiterate here for those who dont know me: anime and manga suguru are two different beasts. both i appreciate, both i use for reference! however, for the majority of this analysis we will be focusing more on manga!suguwu because i am a believer in the word of gege akutami, as SICK and TWITEEEEED as his words may be.

i do, however, want to point out some things so my anime-only's get a better picture. and it starts with the FIRST WORDS out of this fuckers mouth:

In the english dub, he says "I'll absorb it later."

Now this is so nitpicky, and jjk is notorious for having god AWFUL english translations in the manga, and anime adaptions have to change things so that dialogue matches lip flaps for animation sometimes, but something about this sticks with me hard. The way he casually refers to himself and his curses as "we". We, who live in this body, we who work as a team, we who are one. Interesting, no?

I won't harp on it too hard as we have a lot to get through here but its so fucking fascinating to me how this seems to imply that Geto views himself as one with his curses.

now, i feel like i MUST talk about how mappa portrays suguru's emotions and expressions bc the difference is striking.

anime suguru is calm, collected, unemotional. manga suguru is a teenage boy trying to put up an unemotional front.

lets start with his expression when he talks about jujutsu's purpose, anime vs manga.

Anime suguru looks like he's trying to convince not only Satoru, but himself. His eyes are serious, dark, focused. He's telling the fact like he MUST believe it, not like he does.

Meanwhile, manga geto smiles at these words as he says them like they're an old friend. This is a principal he's held tight to his chest for quite some time now. He looks happy, proud even of being able to be a part of such an ideal. Bittersweet. His face acknowledges that this concept is hard, but ultimately is good.

we dont get a shift in this expression until gojo starts gojoing, teasing suguru (side note: look at those fucking eyes these boys wanna swordfight no metal ykwim). in this moment its coy, suggestive, in reaction to gojo's teasing him

....but when gojo challenges his ideals?

anger, frustration. why cant gojo just understand the truth he just laid out? it IS, after all, the truth... right?

this is just one of the many scene's where the anime dumbs down his very readable inner conflicts for thematic effect. lemmie splash you with some geto expressions rq:

manga: agitated, angry, one eye closed bc that happens when he gets really tied up in knots emotionally (something i think is SO CUTE POOKIEPOOKIEPOOKIE)

anime: sexy, sly, coy, maybe a little irritated but mostly chill, one eye like he's taking aim, not like he's really pissed

manga: huge dopey frogeto grin. boyish, so boyish and genuine it almost reminds you of yuuji, no? genuine boyish ignorance that infectious

anime: calculated, serendipitous, yes happy but intentional with providing comfort. not entirely genuine.

to round out part one, i wanna talk about one of the most underrated suguru scenes ever: the one where he milly whops that old dude into hallucinating his dead dog.

in both anime and manga, suguru approaches with confidence, so im not gonna go into it too hard, but theres something very important that happens here that is missed HARD by the anime, and i wanna point it out.

lets talk about when that old man busts through the window.

in the anime, we get a two second flash of getos face with wide eyes, and it doesnt key us in to much, but in the manga...

it is way more obvious that he was not expecting this man to do that. that is a face of pure panic.

so let's talk about his reaction to that panic. in the anime, he looks a little miffed, annoyed if anything, but ultimately this is nbd to him. anime suguru is calm and collected, remember?

manga geto goes full on dead in the eyes serial killer mode, immediately, with zero hesitation. almost as if he becomes one with the darkness of the curses that inhabit him, no? this is often missed, but its the first time we see suguru looking legitimately cruel. and why?

because someone almost got the upper hand on him. he doesn't like that, at all. he hates it, actually. it pisses him off beyond belief. keep this in mind.

of course, he tells the shaman, this was his plan all along.

but was it, geto? was it really?

this concludes part 1!! let me know what y'all think!! part 2 when i feel like it, we've got a a lot to cover!!

basically, the point im trying to portray is as a teenager, geto was led by his emotions so much more than what the anime will have you believe.

ill leave you off with the funniest screenshot ive ever taken.

shamesy out!

find part 2 here

[jaylleoo14]

An Octopus's First Impression

I have so much brainrots but im not a good enough writer to put them into actual stories and stuff😭 AHHHH TEH PAIN (If it isnt obvious enough I have low confidence in myself with my writing ability TT) But yes, Hello! This is going to be my debut as a twst writer and perhaps for other fandoms too<3 for now I am most comfortable writing for twst though, but please do enjoy your visit on my page!

Azul has yet to make a proper introduction to you

Part II

>GN!ReaderxAzul

[disclaimer] A rather desperate and calculative Tako

[characters] Azul and the other sillies that get in his way X3

When you first arrived at NRC Azul was surely not one of the individuals you'd paid mind to. The first dorm leaders that made their appearances known to your acknowledgment first was Vil because of his striking awe-stunning and jaw dropping beauty, Kalim because of his outward friendliness and radiating-welcoming personality, and lastly Riddle because of his fierce strictness to follow the school rules accordingly (And along with other respective proper and prim mannerisms and clothing rules to abide by whenever your paths were crossed)

Idia of course did not make his presence known and you literally did not know of him only until later after meeting Orthro, and even then you've only heard of him and never actually seen him. I mean cmon, who has honestly?

Leona is always hiding away, lazing around somewhere as he naps away into his own comfort so you dont even encounter him until some magical fateful day, but thats a story for another time :)

Although perhaps meeting him already when everyone is asleep, you arent really formally introduced to Malleus. So until then, you technically havent met Malleus for multiple reasons that are rather lengthy to list.

And then there's Azul. oooooh boy. Despite how interested he is in you regarding your sudden magical predicament and trying to approach you, you somehow always seem to be going astray from your interactions with him

He's tried to approach you, ensuring he'd give a lasting impression on you as he's heading on over to greet you properly

though things dont go as planned when Lilia is suddenly snatching you away to go entertain a certain activity of his out of nowhere

Or when you're being chased by a random Savanaclaw student with a bread bun in your mouth and Grim buried in your side as your arm wraps around him securely, holding about 4x amount of food in his paws (Cater in the background taking pictures of this and posting it on his magicam #delinquent #hungry for some breadbunz #Getting chased #My junior is so cute and trouble some #Uh oh trouble!)

Perhaps if it weren't for those troublesome classmates of yours, ah yes - Ace and Deuce - then you wouldn't be stuck in a tree branch right now with that troubling huntsman below you trying to help you down and he would by now be shaking hands with you

Why are you just all over the place?! You've already met with that Lazy Lion when all he did was sleep on the floor and you miraculously tripped over him, resulting in him catching you in his arms before you fell face first into the hard cobblestoned floor! He didnt even do anything to try and approach you so why is it that despite all his meticulous planning on trying to approach you and make an appearance, it just never happens?! Not only that but you're now indebted to that second prince just for you to do him a solid and fetch him a meat sandwich. Seriously, what a waste of a perfect opportunity

Do you perhaps already know who he is? Is that it? Are you actively trying to avoid him?! You're stressing him out already here Prefect, hello?! Its very important for a business man to expand his connections, you know. You two have never even properly met! Now that wont do at all, he must make his appearance now. Especially when you can offer that lovely little dwelling of yours for a branch of his add on of the Mostro Lounge with some talking and persuasion of course :)

He's been carefully looking over your schedule, trying to figure out what classes you go to at what time and when; will we be able to cross paths here? What about when you head on over to your chem class? You have lunch with who and where? Noted, now he can definitely prepare to approach you now. Is he desperate? Of course not, he's just ought to give you a proper greeting is all! Its not weird that he's trying to remember your schedule and trying to talk to you and-

You're in the library, studying up on some topics you don't quite get in your history class. The library was rather quaint and tranquil, a nice aesthetically pleasing place to help you go over your lessons and to study. You had a test coming up in Professor Trein's class and that was something you did NOT want to fail in again. Failing once or perhaps twice or maybe even a possible third time but who knows was already enough to bring your grade down to get a harsh scolding from Riddle and a sympathetic look from Trey

Your face all in the book, your notes plastered and sprawled out on the side where they rest on the table, and your other needed stationary next to you, you were in a environment where no one was around for you to focus up and study hard

Well, no one around except for Azul

Perfect! This is a great opportunity to approach you now! No one is around and he can even talk up into having you indebted to him by helping you study! This situation is rather perfect if he says so himself

A confident look spreads across his face as he walks on over to you, a perfect and professional air surrounding him

"Good evening Prefect, It's a pleasure to finally meet your acquaintance. I do apologize on interrupting your study session here but I would like the humbling experience to introduce myself."

A nice and firm smile is sprawled on his face as his hand is outstretched towards yours to make a formal shake. You look up from your book and stare at his hand, soon taking it as you sit and ponder only for a second

"Oh, aren't you that guy who couldn't get above 10 inches off the floor while riding his broomstick?"

Crack. After finally being able to introduce himself for GOD KNOWS HOW LONG, you know him for THAT?! For sevens sake! Not as Octavinelle's Dorm leader, BUT "that guy who couldn't get above 10 inches off the floor"

God he wants to go curl away and hide now. His hand flinching as you mention so but you keep a firm hold on his to give him a proper shake, a little oblivious to his faltering demeanor

"I think Floyd mentioned you before too. You're that boss running Mostro Lounge he said right? I think he said your name was-"

"Azul Ashengrotto." Clearing his throat a little before he continues "It's a pleasure to meet you (y/n)" Azul is quick to regain his composure and returns the firm hold. How strong you grip and how long you shake is incredibly important in dealing with business, especially when wanting to make lasting impressions to expand your social networks

In his mind though he wants to quickly eradicate that impression you have about him, and thus he asks to join you - to which you complied - in hopes of overwriting and hopefully making you forget that horrific thing you witness regarding his flight skills

And of course Floyd just had to meet you before he did. Its not really surprising considering his boisterous personality and extroverted behavior when in the mood, but perhaps Jade has also met you then too. Considering that those two tend to be near one another

No, of course he's not feeling bitter that even those two slimy eels met you first. Of course he's not feeling a little irritated that they didnt try to strike you up into making a deal with him. Or maybe the fact that whatever those two were doing they'd at least try to make you two meet! Afterall, he did tell them to send you over once due to his interest in you. But he then adverts his attention back onto you when mention how you are currently studying for an upcoming test

You dont know him at all yet, so you let yourself be completely vulnerable. Looking like the smart and reliable gentleman that he is, you ask him to help you study. Oh how you make it so easy for him, he didnt even need to offer!

With a pleasant smile on his face, his slick and gloved fingers pushing up the frame of his glasses, he happily accepts with a sweet tone in his voice as you both sit together and go over the lessons together

[poppy-metal]

Oh Poppy what do you think woldve happened after the tribbing/trash can kicking heart break incident?? What would’ve gone through Jordan’s mind for the following weeks and how would they have started to interact?

under a cut because i let my fingers fly

no because its definitely a turning point in your relationship, because how do you come back from that? jordan's been cruel to you many times before but this takes the cake. i mean, this is your body after all, its not just an instrument they can strum. you've learned by then, a little by being around them so much, what gets under their skin. so you ignore them after that. even though you're burning up inside and you want to scream and yell at them for being so careless with your feelings, want to shake them and tell them you're sorry they've had to work so hard and for so long with no acknowledgement from their parents or their peers, you know it must suck and be lonely and you know how high they've built their walls to keep from getting hurt, but its no excuse. its no excuse to hurt you that way, or to treat you like the enemy when you've done nothing but be their biggest ally. you suck it all up and tuck it deep and just go through the motions of practice, you don't meet jordans eye or talk to them at all.

for jordans part, its torture. they're already wrapped in guilt, but also a sick sense of satisfaction. satisfaction at being the first to be between your legs and make you feel like that - and as a woman, no less. they'd gotten to feel that slick heat between your legs and finally make you feel half of what they felt everyday around you, the heat, the frenzy, the passion. but they hate themselves because jordan knows they're a cunt. an asshole. they're not unaware of the kind of person they are. you dont grow claws like theirs and not realize they're there. and they feel like they stole something from you, something that probably should have gone to someone better. but then again, why shouldn't they have taken what they wanted? its half your fault anyway, for forcing this desire on them.

still, they dont expect you to ignore them. they'd been prepared for your simpering eyes, your frowns and your trembling lips and your betrayed gaze. they'd been prepared to brush you off, but you're the one doing the brushing. jordan li has never been brushed off a day in their life, not since their parents, they've made sure of that, because they fucking hate the feeling. makes it feel like there are ants under their skin. itchy and twitchy and fucking irritating and distracting.

you're not supposed to be mad at them.

"leave me alone, jordan" you tell them cooly, when they corner you later, you drain a bottle of water and jordan watches the way your throat works, lip curled because you're wearing one of their fucking hickeys on your neck and you have the audacity to act like you're too busy to talk to them.

"what the fuck is your problem," they step into your space. one hand coming up to grip your arm to stop you from taking another sip. you chance a glance at them and see their glare. dark eyes like two onyx flames. "kinda hard to do a duet performance when your partner is on the other side of the fucking studio all day."

you want to shake out of their grip but think that would give away too much emotion. so you just shrug, even if goosebumps are dancing across your skin at them being so close. "there are some solo scenes that dont require us to work together. think im gonna focus on those this week."

their jaw works, and you try hard not to think about their lips and how they'd felt on your skin. your neck, your throat, parting to tell you dirty things like how good you felt.

"dont fuck with me, freshmen. is this about last weekend?"

its a struggle not to react to the mere acknowledgement of the act that took place. when you finally look at them, their eyes flit over your face, like they're trying to gauge your reaction, taking in every feature of your face like they'd been starved of it, and you realize this is the first you've looked at them head on since that night.

they're so beautiful. it hurts.

you look away, "last weekend?"

playing dumb never worked with jordan. you should have known they wouldn't let it slide, even now.

"when i fucked you -"

"that wasn't sex," you protest meekly. not that you're an expert, far from it, in fact. but sex as far as you knew from books and movies had always required penatration, and nothing had gone - inside you.

jordan snorts. they step closer and now your back is against the full length mirrors that line the studio walls. they tower over you in this form, masculine energy pouring from them and making your mouth water. they always smell so good, something sharp and crisp, that made you want to lean into them.

"is that what you've been telling yourself all week? that it didn't matter because i didn't fuck you with my cock?"

you hate how the crude words make you flush, hate that you can't just not react and stay stoic like they seem to be able to. except, well, they aren't acting very stoic today you suppose. in fact, you notice their chest rising and falling inches from your own heaving chest. their pecs straining against the tight black nylon of their costume. that stupid fucking pearl chain necklace nestled where it always is.

"dont - we dont need to talk about it-"

one hand comes up next to your head against the glass, half trapping you. you crane your neck up to meet their eyes, a mistake, because of how intensely they're looking down at you. like you're prey all over again.

"i thought we shoulnd't, but now im realizing some things got lost in translation," they say softly, their other hand coming up to twine a strand of your hair that had fallen from your bun around their finger. "sex can be alot of things, freshie, not all of it means i have to be inside you, though-" they rub the strand between their fingers, their knuckle just barely skimming the skin of your clavicle, "- i've definitely thought of splitting you open on my cock."

heat blooms everywhere. across your body, in your stomach, pooling between your thighs.

"jordan," you hiss, your facade finally cracking. your wide eyes pleading with them, for you dont know what. for them to stop, for them to keep going. all of it and none of it. "i thought this is what you wanted - i, you left - im trying - im trying to let it go."

"yeah, i know. and i should let you." for once they sound sincere. almost remorseful. they grip your chin with their fingers, tild your head up. you watch some of their hair fall across their forehead and you want to push it back for them but you're frozen. "if i was a good person i would. but im not - im not a good person."

their hand next to your head slips down, until they grab your hand, interlacing your fingers with theirs. you feel the metal of their rings press into your skin and you cant pull away, even if you wanted to.

"you can't ignore me like that again."

you feel some spark come back to you, "you deserved it. after - after what you did -"

"but it wasn't sex right?"

you fluster, unsure now, "i - we - it was just - "

"its okay, sweetheart." you fumble immediately, the petname washing over you like a warm wave. a cotton candy cloud floating you to the sky. why should you be angry? "you obviously have alot to learn. how sex works between two women, first of all."

what are words anymore.

they grin then, and it feels like trouble, like the start to a whole new chapter of problems and heartache and thrills and pleasure.

"you're gonna come home with me tonight. and after i pop that cherry of yours with my cunt, you can tell me if you still feel like a virgin."

[gravytrainnaturebornn]

the power of self-talk in the fight against self-sabotage (for binge-eaters and ppl who have never been skinny🫶)

disclaimer: this is not proana. this is for people who struggle with binge eating as a form of self-sabotage, emotional comfort, self harm, etc. overeating can cause just as much harm physically and mentally as undereating. please be safe. now, on with the show!

weight loss, but specifically extreme weight loss, equals change. change equals discomfort, so people tend to subconsciously avoid change. this is why starting to see progress on the scale or your body can trigger the urge to self-sabotage that progress and binge eat.

for people who have been big their whole lives, that fear is heightened by the fact that being thin is completely uncharted territory. by following through, youre entering a new world that youve never navigated before. your brain might get scared, say its much too big a mountain to climb, and tell you to give up. its easier to say fuck it because for most people, unhappiness is a comfort zone. if youre used to hating your body and wanting it to change, then actually *changing* it poses a very serious threat to your comfort and the lifestyle youre used to.

questions like: "what if i reach my goal and im still unhappy/unattractive?" "what if i dont look like myself?" "what if i reach my goal, cant sustain it, and then i gain it all back and humiliate myself?" can all make someone feel anxious about succeeding in their weight loss journey. and for people with overeating issues, this is a big trigger for binge episodes.

so how do you combat this instinct to self sabotage? well, im not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but for me it helps to soothe these subconscious fears and train the brain to fight these urges. self-talk and thought-correction play a HUGE role in rewiring the pathways in your brain that lead you to bingeing. truly, practice and consistency are the only things that are going to cause a big change, so stick with it !

correcting problematic thoughts *immediately* when they form is key to preventing problematic behavior in the future, and that starts with being able to identify those thoughts. the moment you catch yourself thinking about food, cut yourself off with a correction. maybe even think about food on purpose a few times to practice recognizing and correcting it.

for example, if you just ate an hour ago, chances are youre not actually hungry yet. tell yourself that as soon as you realize youre thinking about food. i like to tell myself "i dont need to eat, and im not gonna sabotage myself by eating that." by acknowledging it and calling it what it is--literally an attack, by my brain, on my own progress--i immediately attach a sense of accountability to the actions that follow. there's no deniability. its no longer a passive choice. theres no mindless eating or "i wasnt thinking about it." if i eat after acknowledging the act of eating as self-sabotage, then that is me *actively* choosing self-sabotage over self-control. accountability alone can change a lot if you let it.

what i tell myself changes depending on the situation, but i find that repeating some of these phrases throughout the day helps to fight urges in general, and certain ones help for specific cravings and situations.

below are some examples of things i tell myself that have helped me fight the urge to self sabotage. they dont all have to be true when you first say them, the point is training your brain to think a certain way. it may feel unnatural at first, but the more you say them the more natural it becomes, until eventually it becomes apart of the way you actually think and you dont have to work so hard at it. remember: consistency. is. key.

okay ill stop blabbing! here:

•i allow myself to be thin.

•i accept the change that comes with losing weight.

•i am ready to see myself differently and cope with any complicated feelings that may come with it.

•i am prepared for my body to change.

•i will deal with my wardrobe when the time comes, and im not afraid of dressing differently for my new body.

•i will adjust to my new dietary needs and appetite when i reach my goal weight. i will not always be hungry; eating less will be my new normal, and i will be okay.

•i am not afraid of being hungry.

•food does not comfort me, nor does it solve my problems or make me feel better.

•i am ready to navigate a life that looks different to the one im living now.

•i am not afraid of reaching my goal. if i do feel afraid, i am confident in my ability to work through difficult feelings and continue towards my goal.

•im not going to sabotage myself by eating that.

•i accept that people will perceive me differently, and i am ready to navigate that change.

•i am prepared to receive comments about my weight loss.

•i am not afraid of getting what i want.

•i believe i deserve what i want, and im dedicated to working towards getting it.

•i am capable of adapting to new routines and habits.

•fear is not a reason to give up, and i will continue to work even if the possibility of change makes me uneasy.

•i am prepared to face the future, even though i do not know what it looks like.

•i allow myself to make mistakes, and i will not use them as an excuse to quit.

•my long-term satisfaction is more important than what i want in this moment.

•i am in control of my actions and i am capable of resisting the urge to binge.

•i allow myself to have the body i desire.

•i allow myself to change.

•i allow my life to look different and i am not afraid to see a new person in the mirror.

•i am excited to reach my goal, and prepared to navigate any changes that come with it.

•i am ready to meet and introduce others to the new me.

[thereal-evanrosier]

there's something christian / catholic in all versions of my rosekiller. i dont care what earth this is, guys. you're having a deeply complicated relationship to god.

fallenangel!evan x priest!barty

Evan was supposed to deliever a message to some random priest. it was an honour to be allowed on earth as an angel, you had to be outstanding. The message read "dont trust those who dont even acknowledge the bad", and evan didnt really think about it too hard. But when events on earth were unfolding, he realized that God had been in his way the whole time. He was the one Barty wasn't supposed to trust. Luckily, Barty didn't give a fuck and from that day on, Evan wad filled by a deep hate by God. The almighty took Evan's whole life from him and tried to take away his one safety boat too. And this was supposed to be the one millions of people trust and love? No, Evan decided to never trust him again.

Meanwhile Barty never really lost his faith. Sure, over time he became bitter towards God, and the more he got to know Evan, the more he resented the almighty. Yet he still believed in the ground principles and teachings of the bible. When he hit rockbottom, Barty prayed to God because he knew no matter what, God would take him back. He didn't know how or if the entity ever listened, but he knew that if He did, He'd be there for Barty and help him. After getting close to Evan and occasionally consuming his blood, God would be able to communicate with Barty. This was the craziest turning point in his life. Now, everytime he prayed, he'd make sure god would listen and wait for answers and help. Barty knew that this relationship wasn't the way it was supposed to, he knew he should give more into it, but at the same time, there was no way he'd actually worship God. Getting advice? sure. believing his existence? Yes. But respecting it and active support? No. From week to week, Barty lost his trust more and more, and even though he'd never give it up completely, he dishonoured his extremely catholic family by breaking all the rules and not giving a fuck about morals.

vampire!barty x scientist!evan

Evan had never been religious, God was just a concept that people made up to feel better about themselves. But when he tried to summon a demon, his intention was to ask how the true god was like, so Evan could live and believe the truth. over time, his Catholicism increased steadily, despite the horrible things he did to others, he read and studied the bible, prayed and went to church / confession once a week. Because God was real, and even if Evan would go to hell for murder and torture, he'd get into the good parts of it, because trusted gods plan. He'd probably say smth like "Obviously i killed thay guy! Last night, god told me to do so, its all part of his plan!" and if someone said that was blasphemy, Evan would answer with "I'm allowed, im catholic".

Meanwhile Barty... you would say that since he's been to hell and is hyperaware of God's existence, he's catholic or at least satanic (after all he knows satan personally and can't talk to his hell-bestie on earth anymore) but no. He doesn't pray to anyone, and he won't ever start. He says he loathes God for taking his mother away from him and forcing him to be tortured all his life... At this point Evan doesn't know who Barty even is, so the whole time he's like "????". But they figure it out at some point :) Yet, it makes him genuinely angry that Evan is becoming religious because of him. Why would the love of his life pray to the one entity that hurt him so much? God and their opposite views on him are some of their only fight points. While all Barty sees in God is a fake saviour who is lying through his teeth, Evan acknowledges His flaws, yet praises him for the good things. He doesnt care about breaking the rules - he's thankful for not being in jail and he's thankful for meeting Barty.

They both arent near perfect and neither of them has a "healthy" relationship to God, but I don't think that's possible in any universe.

Summary

Both versions of Rosekiller has one person that is more religious than the other one. While fallenangel!evan x priest!barty built on religion and wouldn't be able to exist without both of them being religious, there is no technical need for scientist!evan to become religious. vampire!barty might've showed him that hell is real, but there was no "real" reason for him to convert to Christianity, read the bible and confess. He knew that no matter what he did, he wasn't ready to change his behaviour for anything or anyone and would end up in hell anyway. I think, for him God was like a parental figure that had been missing his entire life, and before vampire!barty met him, scientist!evan knew he'd get no answer and wasn't even ready to try and become religious. But now that he could get an answer through vampire!barty, who showed him spells for contact, he felt like this was everything ever missing. A neglected child finally getting attention from the parent it needed his whole life.

Personal notes

The reason for Christianity/Catholicism being the only religion represented is because it was one I grew up with and I know the most about, also due to most of my friends being Christian. I would love to see people headcanon the skittles/marauders as other religions too, I simply didnt want to give misrepresentation.

[ravs6709]

idk if this is something im maybe hallucinating or maybe its just the posts that i see occasionally but ifl sometimes its hard for the fandom to let yjh exist outside of kdj?? like i know the whole kdj being the reason for the story and yjh as an extension to exist is a thing but yjh separating himself from the narrative and establishing himself as not just the protagonist but a person is Also a thing and i feel like we don't talk about it as much.

like i dont know man!! maybe this is all in my head but sooo much of the yjh content also doubles as joongdok?? and you KNOW i love good joongdok but where are the character studies. where are the deep dives. where is the acknowledging yjh as an intricately convoluted and complex characters with his own wishes and desires and the way those desires fuel the narrative like goddddd hes SUCH a Character i think we need to discuss it more. anyways hes my fave btw no one gets him like i do

NO YOURE SO RIGHT THAT IS EXACTLY WHATS HAPPENING

Like yjh becoming a Person is his whole growth??? I haven't been consuming nearly as much orv content, and I'm pretty sure it's for this very reason cause I want more character studies so bad!! Or dynamics with other members of kimcom!!

You ever think about him and mia, mia who is suddenly so distant from her brother, you ever think about him and jihye, how she wants to be strong like him

Or sp!!! Who carries so much grief, and it saddens me that his "why is it not me, but you?" line got reduced to "oh he's jealous he doesn't have a kdj" when it's "he doesn't have ANY companions he doesn't have a SISTER A DISCIPLE A TEACHER"

[mdhwrites]

It really does feel like the writers just kind of dont care about the world. When i first saw it, i was really interested in just how wild it was, a whole world based of hieronymous bosch? Cool.

But then they just contradict themselves, dont do anything with it or it just doesnt make sense? for example:

-In the first season the world is presented as this brutal, hostile place, where walking down the street can get you killed. Characters dont know what hugging or shaking hands is. The schools are brutal, teachers being downright vile at points. In season 2 they have a whole school dedicated to darwinian logic. But... later the teachers are suddenly nice, the world feels less hostile and they have therapists? what? in a place where you get thrown in prison for writing fanfiction?

-Some jokes are made that are 'haha get it cuz not human' but they make no sense. They have bard magic, walking guitars and bands, but when they have to look after luz, they suddenly think nightmare noises are a banger? Or how willow makes a '40s cartoon' joke, gus has a pb&j samwich, etc.

-Potion magic makes no sense. How is it a coven when you can do it WITHOUT magic. what happens when you get branded? do you just lose all magic? is it a pity coven for bad witches?

I feel on its own these things are nitpicky, but when they pile up it just feels like they were only thinking about making the place LOOK cool while having zero substance.

So you're correct that a lot of these are either nitpicks or just really lazy jokes on the part of the writers. In fact, the lazy, fish out of water jokes came back in S3 and make Amity just look like falling in love literally drained her brain out of her ears. However, that doesn't make them invalid, especially in a show with little worldbuilding. They pile up into making the whole thing feel like a construct.

Luckily, you don't have to go to nitpicks to point out that the writers didn't give a shit. Dana herself is one of the worst writers as far the worldbuilding goes. After all, she wrote Reaching Out.

She was the one who treated being a Wild Witch like choosing not to go to college.

She also co-wrote The First Day where, you know, they don't even acknowledge that multi-tracking is explicitly illegal in this society so why would an EC funded school EVER allow that?

There's SO MANY of these sorts of things peppered throughout the series that makes the ONE part of the world building we ever get, that is anything close to making this world actually unique besides implications, a straight up lie. It'd be like if Avatar made being able to multi-bend something you chose seven episodes in and suddenly slaughtered the entire point of the Avatar being special. It doesn't though because WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?

And there's no way to call this a nitpick. It's the hard basis for one of the main cast, even though Eda's status as a criminal is ALL OVER THE PLACE in S1, especially for people giving a shit about it. It's effectively the core of the villain's plot and the society they created. Any crack in the coven system becomes a crack in your main plot... And when it was first introduced, rather than nine, their were hundred, a fact that persisted into S2 when a character VOICED BY DANA talked about joining the Cute Cat Coven. You know, a coven theoretically not affected by the draining spell.

It's even important thematically. It is the oppression that Luz is supposed to fighting against. The way that self expression and being true to you is repressed is through the coven system and the laws surrounding it. Those need to actually function for those themes to feel like they have weight or they fall apart. It's part of why TOH struggles with thematic consistency because self expression doesn't feel like a core part of it when no one gives a fuck what you do. When there is no actual pressure to conform and hide yourself. At least, not for a story like this.

It's probably the biggest reason why when I hear people exclaim that TOH has great worldbuilding I just have to look at them funny. After all, none of this is even new or actually unique *gestures at Dystopian Fiction in general and D&D wizards school of magic* and it's told like shit. And for a story like this, your fantasy epic about sticking it to the man by showing how special you are, it NEEDED to be told better. It needed to have point.

But it never did and it just makes the writers look either like they didn't care or are just incompetent, let alone when the show director themselves is shooting their core concepts in the head.

======+++++=======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[genderstealer2000]

Okay, i know people have already established how overlooked childrens mental health is, but i wanted to put my view and experiences here. TW! mentions of abuse, substance use, sh, ed my childhood was not great in the slightest. i didnt grow up in a good home, it was mostly filled with drug addicts and loads of abuse. my mother was so preoccupied with other things, she never really acknowledged me and my siblings unless she was angry and yelling at us. she didnt care what happened to us. we were just other people living in her house. if youre going to have kids, treat them the way children should be treated. in all of the homes ive stayed in, ive always felt like a burden. ive always been reminded of who im related to, what has happened to me, and who i am. i want to move past everything, but its hard when my guardians (that willingly took me in) are using my mother to guilt trip me. "youre acting just like your mother." "keep acting like that and you know what youll become?" anytime i try to talk to them about anything, they make it seem catatonic. like im turning into this monster when in reality i just need help. my mother did not pick good partners. they were terrible people, and did terrible things to her, my siblings and me. i watched my mother deal with self harm, and an eating disorder, and she was pressing these things on me and my siblings. granted she wasnt in a good headspace at all, and she was always on something, but that is not appropriate at all to show your kids. and its very hard for me to create relations with the people i live with because of this. i never know whats going to happen, if im going to get punished. my foster families just saw me as another mouth to feed, and now that i live with my adoptive mom, she just says im not trying. they call me selfish for having suicidal thoughts, they call me attention seeking for cvtting, they call me disgusting for making myself throw up. what do they want? anytime i try to communicate my feelings i get shut down! my gender identity was formed from my trauma. i dont feel comfortable in a womans body. the people my mother lived with ruined me. everytime i view myself as a girl i get sick to my stomach. "youre not a boy," not biologically im not, but it helps me to view myself this way because i feel stronger. i dont feel as weak as when those events happened. and we're working on it, im trying to explain things to her and mend our relationship, but she doesnt understand. thats why i want to help her understand. so we can both heal. i think parents (guardians) are too scared to talk about their childrens mental health because they think that theyre the cause of it. even if they are a part of it they SHOULD talk! let it be known. communication is the most important part of a family, or relationships. communication is needed. dont treat your kids horribly. its sad that it has to be said, but they need parents for comfort. they look up to you for guidance, for love and affection. dont make your children feel like a burden. dont make them afraid of you.

[whilomm]

sometimes i wish people were better about remembering Your Experiences Are Not Universal wrt like, IRL queer spaces.

like an issue i see sometimes wrt discussions around IRL trans spaces is just like, people dismissing the idea that other peoples spaces could be exclusionary in a different way than what theyve experienced. like, someone talks about how whenever they try to go to local trans stuff IRL they either face passive exclusion or outright aggression as a nonbinary person, because everything around them is extremely binary focused. Maybe just every single space they find is either primarily binary trans men or binary trans women and its hard to feel included as the only nonbinary person, maybe conversations in these spaces are unconciously just extremely binary focused with little acknowledgement of nb experiences, maybe spaces say theyre nb friendly but by that they mean "women-lite nonthreatening usually afab", maybe theyre actively pushed out by enbyphonic trans people and actually told that these spaces arent meant for them, lotsa options youve probs heard before

then other trans people reading this experience are confused because, well, theres the exact OPPOSITE experience! every single trans group theyve tried to go to IRL is mostly filled with nonbinary people, they have trouble findig other binary people to connect to, maybe they encounter those same annoying ass "women-lite" nb spaces and have completely different problems with em, maybe they find spaces that either are actively hostile to them as a trans woman or as a trans man...

and the conclusion they come to is "okay, so that nonbinary person is crazy/whiney/lying because thats not how IRL trans spaces work" rather than "huh, seems like the local scene in their area is WAY different than my area, we kinda have the same issues in the opposite direction huh?"

and the same sorta thing happens when people talk about how their local scene is extremely transfem focused and they feel left out as a transmasc, or how their local scene is extremely transmasc focused and they feel left out as a transfem. "god it sucks how IRL trans spaces can be so fucking hostile to trans men" "what? no! every single space ive ever been to was mostly trans men, ive never found a space where I found other trans women to connect to!" and no one seems to realize/acknowledge that oh. these are Different Spaces we are talking about, their unique makeups and issues. people see something that contradicts their own experiences and they just dont know how to deal with it i guess.

bc idk it just seems like sometimes people are way too quick to assume "the way the local queer community works in MY TOWN is the way it works EVERYWHERE" because. Well, I understand! your world is dictated by your experiences, and if youve been hurt by the people who SHOULD make up your local community, i get extrapolating that this is how the whole world is! but when it leads to people just dismissing other peoples experiences because "well, thats not what IVE seen when i go to support groups..." its. frustrating.