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[notexactlyrocketscience]

HIIII ARE YOU FROM BANGLADESH????

Yes! :)

[notexactlyrocketscience]

I hand-knit the folklore cardigan so [with my v important pointers] you totally can, too!

Pattern

Taylor Swift's folklore the "Cardigan" by Lion Brand (free)

I have several qualms about this pattern, and though it’s easy to comprehend for the most part, I kind of hate it. But! I have tips below so that you can use this free pattern and OG cardigan reference pictures to make the perfect finished project. It’s also super easy actually even if you’ve never done cables or a large project before.

Materials (used as recommended by the pattern)

Needles: Takumi Clover US 9 (5.5 mm), 29" circular needles—My first time trying bamboo needles and this brand, I LOVED it. It made continental knitting so easy and fluid. I would recommend longer cables to make the button band part less stressful, and perhaps smaller diameter needles to make the ribbing prettier

Lion Brand Wool Ease: see rant below

Buttons: 3 1.25"-diameter La Mode buttons (there are prettier ones out there though they can get frighteningly expensive, pick what you like)

A summary of issues

the sizing runs very large

the button band (and, by extension, side panels) is all wrong for sizes other than S/M (the whole pattern is based aound S/M with suggested alterations for other sizes)

the arms turn out way too long for any size if you follow the instructions

the back cables (and possibly some others) are spaced distinctly differently from the OG folklore cardigan from Taylor’s site

the suggested yarn (Lion Brand Wool Ease) is scratchy on sensitive skin, stiff, thicker, more fuzzy than the folklore cardigan (and sheds a lot!), and stretches a lot which makes the cardigan larger than expected

Biggest tips (if you want to knit a cardigan similar to the OG)

CHECK YOUR GAUGE

measure yourself to pick size, and size down

find a bunch of pictures of the OG cardigan in the size that you want & count the stitches from the photos + graph the Lion Brand pattern, and compare before you begin

make alterations as needed

DO NOT BLIND BUY LION BRAND WOOL EASE

My best advice would be to just do a big guage swatch (as recommended on the pattern), run it through the wash, block it, measure it, plus assume that the cardigan will additionally stretch out on your body whenever worn. (Also if you’ve never knitted a garment before, the individual pieces absolutely look bigger once assembled and seamed than when they do on the needles while being knit.) The button band will add some width as well.

The button band is the current object of my misery. The cardigan fits like a cute tent, but the buttons beginning near my stomach is a no-go. I would definitely recommend double checking the spacing of the buttonholes on the button band because I kind of wish I’d altered them a little bit according to how I want the front to look. But then, the side panels would have to start slanting higher up towards the neck, so the whole neck should have been a smaller V. And I don’t have the heart to frog all the way back to to that. Still wondering if I should just shift the buttons higher and redo the button band, but I might just leave it as is and call it a day.

The recommended yarn is Lion Brand Wool-Ease, but actually I regret using it because it’s so stretchy and bulky, so the cardigan turned out a lot more chunky (and a lot more stretchy too I’m guessing) than the OG. I even found the finished measurements on the pattern misleading due to the cardigan stretching due to its own weight.

The pattern also calls for very long arms so I would advise just doing 4.5 diamonds for the back and then 4 diamonds for the arms, just like the OG! I thought 4 diamonds would be too short but the off-shoulder fit makes 5 diamonds incredibly long for me, and 4 would have been perfect!

I’m not sure why the instructions were that misleading with the sizing—Partly it’s me messing up with my guage, but I’m thinking it might also be because Lion Brand was basing it off the OG folklore cardigans from Taylor’s website, which I’ve heard run immensely large in a similar fashion. Still, I’m not sure exactly how the sizing compares to that of the XS/S and M/L OG cardigans

I usually am an S for perfectly fitted T shirts, and I get M sized crewnecks/hoodies for a perfect, comfy, borderline oversized fit that isn’t snug over layers. I was confused between knitting the S/M and L/XL because I wanted an oversized fit. I worried the S/M might be too snug and figured it was better to err on the side of it being a bit larger than expected because it’s still possible to style that, while a too-small cardigan would just be unwearable. But I think sizing down is the best way to go for that pattern and yarn if you’re picking between two sizes. The S/M pattern would probably produced something that fits more like a regular L/XL you would expect to see in a store.

Also, the yarn is fuzzy and pills a lot! It’s also slightly scratchy even after conditioning. So I would say just pick a durable yarn that creates a fabric that you love first before you start the project!

The Lion Brand pattern’s back cables are spaced slightly differently from the OG cardigans. (The OG had some moss stitched space between the two left cables on either end and the group of other cables in the center.) There might be other differences too. I know there are some other patterns out there you can pay for and they might be more accurate to the OG, but I would recommend simply looking up pictures of the OG cardigan in the size that you’re aiming for, and then taking note of the differences and making the alterations yourself! The stitches are fairly easy to count!

I have a breadth of regrets about this project (and some of it is just post-project blues, y’know?), but you live and you learn, folks! And I definitely learned a lot from this project. :) Will come back here and update once I add the (very expensive) silver star patches I’ve been procrastinating to buy because I’m so broke and so sad about how it turned out. I’m confident all the time I’ve spent on her will culminate in me surely falling in love with her soon enough. <3

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Love, Theoretically by Ali Hazelwood: a critically kind review from a femme acespec physicist <3

> scroll to the next section for my review on the physics academia content in this book!

First, a quick romance novel review!

spoiler: it wasn’t my favorite but I gave it a ⭐️⭐️⭐️.75 because being a writer has made me a generally more appreciative reader + I am so starved of woman in physics rep.

the good

It just felt good to read about a woman physicist, who are still incredibly underrepresented in fiction, especially as protagonists. (I’ll go off about that in a minute.)

The romance is so swoony with shoujo manga vibes, I haven’t read straight M/F adult romance novels in a while and I just loved the flutteriness of it.

A couple of chapters were so soft with excellent pillowtalk. There was something about the ambience of the snow, the hypnotic sadness of failure, the prescence of a comforting person.

I enjoyed identifying the relatable parts about physics academia. Hazelwood clearly did a lot of research, and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. It definitely kept me reading!

the bad

The academia issues are so over-simplified it’s almost juvenile. For an adult novel, even one marketed as a romcom, I expect more nuance, more explanations, more explicit lingering in tight positions.

And then the romance tries to be complex (and has a lot of potential!) but not a lot of conflict really happens.

A fictional physics fued between theorists and experimentalists is a really fun (and actually not far off) concept, but I would have expected some things to be the other way around. (More on that later!)

Okay this is personal but the main couple both have terrible taste in movies. Twilight vs white male rage movies??? There is no lesser evil here

Elsie’s hardships aren’t put in a very serious light. Her diabetes and lack of access to health insurance is used as a plot device to engineer romantic momentum between the characters and/or comic relief.

Just overall, the book tried so hard to remain “light” that I think it fails to garner depth. Because adult lives really aren’t that light all the time, and a book can bring relaxation and joy whilst including real worldly negative experiences.

There were aroace and sapphic side characters, but I wanted so bad for Elsie to be demisexual. It's set up so perfectly only for it to be averted—As a demisexual person myself, Elsie’s feelings about attraction felt acutely familiar to me, and every other reader I've spoken to has agreed that the book took a dissapointing and unexpected turn. I understand Hazelwood may not feel equipped to write queer protagonists but if I were her editor, I would have flagged that and recommended she make it canon. It would have added so much more context and dimension to Elsie, and would’ve put hetero demisexuals on the map. </3

Following up on the above: The smut tries so hard to be meaningful but it ... really is icky, stereotypical, unrealistic allocishetero stuff. Think: the shy inexperienced girl vs the man who knows exactly how to advise her. The characters try to subvert the trope by calling it out, but it feels performative because all is forgotten in the next second. The PiV sex is weirdly conventionally idealistic considering the pairing’s size difference. I’m picky about smut but also forgiving when I do like the dynamic. I just didn’t here.

Following up once again: I was ready to ignore all the repetitive comments about how sexy Jack’s height and muscles were, because sure, I guess Elsie has a type. But the sex scenes solidified the redundancy of it all. I've read this same dynamic in countless smutty heteronormative M/F paperbacks. And I have also been made aware by every Hazelwood reader that all her books focus on this kind of physical build pairing. I just want more diversity, you know?

IDK, I just wanted more physics in here than complaining about teaching, glossed over toxic mentors, and using some quirky physics term in every other sentence. (More on that below!)

I just wanted ... more? It’s not an extremely short novel, but both the plot and the character development fell flat. The ups and downs were too fast and easy, and the placement felt off. I finished the book and wondered, “That’s it? That’s all that happened?” It just wasn’t fulfilling. The side characters aren't expanded upon, and don’t get enough pagetime. My other romance reads this year were Bellefleur's The Fiancee Farce and Mcquiston’s One Last Stop. In both of those novels, the drama was fleshed out with so much care and detail. In comparison, Love, Theoretically may mention similar social difficulties in passing, but failed to really, really show us.

Overall ... the novel was fun for being about physicists but I really don’t see myself picking up another Hazelwood book, especially considering this isn’t even a debut novel. The conventional white steminist vibe and the particular allocishetero M/F dynamic just isn’t my thing.

But perhaps a reader wanting more of a novel and its characters is a good problem to have. Never say never, I guess! I look forward to keeping tabs on what Hazelwood publishes in the future!

Now, onto the physics!

First, most physicists, as good scientists, understand that theory and experimentation are fundamentally linked. It’s true that we each are often biased towards our own methods of research, but it is quite a stretch to imagine full professors so blatantly feud against others solely because of theory vs experimentation. Regardless, I was happy to suspend my disbelief for the sake of the plot that was framed in a genre-specific, lighthearted, humorous way.

Secondly, both theory and experimentation have sources of funding that are motivated in different ways, and Hazelwood's decision to have the theorists struggle with funding cuts due to declining interest in pop culture/the general public is actually quite credible. Experimentation garners a lot more interest from the application and engineering end of society, parts that are easily fueled by capitalism.

However, I think experimentalists in general are far less likely to be mean to theorists than the reverse scenario. Dr Fatima Abdurrahman has a great video essay about that called on her YouTube channel called “Quantum Physics, Feminism, and Objective Reality: What Physicists Don’t Want You to Know About Quantum Mechanics.” Dr Fatima outlines how old white men in physics have maintained this image of unwavering scientific objectivity in the name of rigor, despite studying a field that fundamentally is barely fathomable for humans. In simpler terms: Men, even in theory, pretend to be better, smarter, and more valid as physicists despite being in an infamously iffy field. And I would have liked to see that represented. It was just really hard for me to buy narcissistic grad students mansplaining Elsie about her field, and Elsie’s righteous feminine rage, when the field in question is … physics theory? It just didn’t make sense to me, when all of my personal experiences point to the opposite.

But every cloud has a silver lining, and having a woman theorist in a physics field that’s less popsci-oriented is actually … really cool. And having her love interest be a man in experimentation … sort of subverts gender roles and conventional media expectations.

Let me explain. The reality is that when women are represented in STEM, media prefers to put them in biology, like a nurse to a doctor, a people-oriented nurturer, a mere sidekick to the real “objective” scientist—often a mathematician or an astrophysicist who is always a man. And when women are placed in physics, they are automatically assigned to observational astronomy, which is dismissed as passive and easy. (This is wildly untrue—though styles of research in astronomy has interestingly allowed a somewhat more diverse array of researchers in history. Even today, you’ll see a higher frequency of women and queer people in every astronomy department.)

I think my ideal version of this novel would be retaining Elsie in theory, while also making theorists the overall bad guys in the feud. I would love to have her talk about the unique sexism she faces as a theorist. I would kill for a scene in which Jack gets gobsmacked by how fucking good at math she really is, compared to him (instead of, like, only making fun of it like it’s easy). I would love to read about her getting a tour of his lab, and just more physics content. But maybe I’m the only one saying that, because I’m a physicist. Maybe Hazelwood simplified it all to keep the book appealing to the general masses.

Still, it all read more like a girlpower!!! chant rather than a real commitment to represent a woman in STEM. I savored every moment Elsie or George would go off about physics. I loved Elsie’s conversations with Olive, a different STEM academic. (Monica was more complicated and actually quite interesting, and I wish we could have seen more of her. Heck, I wish we had actually been given any tangible info about Jack’s mom, even.) But I genuinely felt these instances were rare. Elsie referred to being a physicist a lot (and frankly, her mind is more physics-y than any IRL physicist considering the sheer number of physics-inspired figures of speech she uses … but I excused that as silly comic relief, a quirk in Hazelwood’s writing style). But she didn’t tangibly do physics on page. It was disappointing, considering women characters in STEM is what Hazelwood is known for.

And there are physicists who love teaching—even physicists who solely want to teach. Physicists who do pedagogy research. I know the book was mainly trying to criticise the adjunctification and dismissal of physics higher education, and it’s actually quite accurate in representing that most physicists in academia would prefer not to teach. But the excecution also ends up erasing physicists who aren’t in academia just for research. And I say this especially because the validity of teaching physicists as physicists is dismissed in real life. It’s used as justification to further force all physics academics to try to juggle between both research and teaching, whether they want to or not.

Which leads us to bad mentors. I’ve had a bunch of those. As Olive pointed out in an excellent quote, “Academia is so hierarchical, you know? There are all these people who have power over you, who are supposed to guide you and help you become the best possible scientist, but . . . sometimes they don’t know what’s best. Sometimes they don’t care. Sometimes they have their own agenda. […] Sometimes they’re total shitbuckets who deserve to step on a pitchfork and die.” And the thing is, the novel really doesn’t show us any of that (perhaps other than in Monica). We don’t fully get to know what happened to Jack’s mom, or Olive. We are not shown what Dr L’s agenda really was. Their final confrontation was so quick, when in reality shitty mentors are often sticky and entwined with your work, hard to cut off and scarier to talk back to even after you’ve finally realized they’re toxic.

Which isn’t to say the novel is just inadequate about everything. It’s correct in how goofy physics faculty are, and how white man-dominated the field is, how students try to mansplain women profs, how theorists madly work on their computers (as an experimentalist, I could never understand), how publishing is finicky (to put it kindly), and how tenured faculty fail to understand the reality of the job market in academia today. There are certain parts (like the quote above!) where I felt incredibly seen as part of a minoritized identity group in STEM academia. It’s rare to have a book written from this PoV, and as a first I think this novel will always be special for me!

If you’re interested in reading about more fictional women physicists, I would highly recommend skimming through this list I made on GoodReads (and feel free to add more!).

And if you’d like to support memoirs and science communication books by IRL women physicists, then look to further than this other list I’ve also made. (We’re actually currently seeing a boom in these which is inanely exciting to me, so again, contributions are always welcome!)

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Link Click has always been that feminist show with the queer lens for me.

The first season is largely slice-of-life, a poignant close-up of ordinary lives. The majority of episodes would introduce us to complex, realistic women characters: cool, badass, and/or oppressed and tragic because of patriarchal forces (and rancid men). Mothers, little girls, students, women with disabilities, capable employees, small business entrepreneurs—even sapphics.

Through photographs, Cheng Xiaoshi travels back in time to fulfill simple requests by clients. (He and his business partner and roommate, Lu Guang, run the little Time Photo Studio—with help from their landlady and friend, Qiao Ling.) When Cheng Xiaoshi dives back in tome, he often experiences firsthand what these women characters experience, through their bodies. With Lu Guang’s guidance, he grapples with scummy men and gets out of sticky situations. The protagonists are just cis men who casually get it. The entire thing is unlike anything I’ve seen in the realm of anime.

(And I’m glad it’s a donghua instead.)

There’s a deep, endless connection between the protagonists, Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang, that can be easily read as queer … but also an intense platonic friendship between men instead (which some watchers have unfortunately weaponized). Or something that doesn’t quite fit into either category. Perhaps it’s an almost-something. Something that is constantly in a process of becoming (but never quite there). Something that maybe even transcends queerplatonism. (Perhaps it doesn’t need to be specified as just one thing.) I think it’s beautiful however you look at it.

(I personally want them to kiss and become an “official” couple, and it would be wonderful—and much-needed!—cannon rep. But even if there weren’t any censorship laws, I think this story doesn’t need them to be explicitly romantically involved.)

The creators said that the two protagonists were written as men because it would’ve been impossible to write the same story with a man and a woman without the pressures of a looming romance. Ultimately, I think that his choice to avoid comphet media expectations gave us something so much richer than a regular stereotypical romance. (They also made the Heaven Official’s Blessing donghua, which is in some ways more romantic than the achillean source novel. There’s very little chance that the queercoding in Link Click—where every detail is meticulously placed—is unintentional.)

In Season 2, I loved the shift in genre from slice of life to thriller. It was a nifty choice. It’s respectful towards Season 1 in that it’s not trying to compete with something that’s already perfect, but instead complements it with something new with a touch of the old. The plot was an absolute mindfuck—but flawless. There was a surprising emphasis in hand-to-hand combat scenes … and they were so good (especially the tag team moments—and the moves by women? incredible). This is coming from someone who usually is never interested in that kind of action. The art of the show is (perhaps intentionally) grungy and rough around the edges. (The character design is incredible, though, and is compared with Devilman Crybaby.) The animation wasn’t always the strong suit, but those fistfights were impeccable, and satisfying. I, too, want to punch misogynists in the face.

While the opening and ending songs are always dark, the background music shifts from a relaxing lo-fi to more suspenseful in Season 2. The OP and ED sequences are truly works of art with narratives of their own (more on that later). The lyrics of each song is entwined with a desperate pining—not unlike that in Banana Fish. The literally rewound sequence (in both visuals and song) in the second OP is devastating to me. So, so beautiful and just a wild choice.

I’m now excited to see another genre shift for Season 3. I hope it’s not the same kind of cat-and-mouse thriller, and it certainly won’t be wholesome slice-of-life. We know now that this show was written further in advance than our wildest imaginings—So perhaps next we’ll have more of a heartfelt narrative as we follow Lu Guang. Something that sweeps us along with a sense of inevitability, unfolding gently.

I hope it has a happy ending.

MAJOR SPOILERS GOING FORWARD (mainly just me being not at all normal about ShiGuang)

I think there was this scene in Season 1 that indicated that Cheng Xiaoshi had feelings for Qiao Ling—Don’t quote me on that, but I expected that to develop in Season 2. I was thrilled to find that the writers seemed to promptly forget all about it instead. (Maybe it was to stave off the gay shippers for the sake of censorship in the first place? Who knows. If anything, we love to see a disaster bisexual.)

In Season 1, we saw an emotionally intimate, split-screen moment between Lu Guang and Cheng Xiaoshi in bed (separated by both space and time). They are then contrasted against an (heavily implied) older domestic sapphic couple running a noodle business. With Qiao Ling, they certainly form a family. But you can tell—as several other characters repeatedly point out—these two men are especially “important” to each other.

It’s driven home really well, too—Everytime something happened to Lu Guang, I would instantly worry about how losing him might affect Cheng Xiaoshi, and vice versa. Their worlds revolve around each other.

And so, in Season 2: Cheng Xiaoshi knowing Lu Guang’s phone password, the tackle (the entire fandom went feral), the domestic memories Cheng Xiaoshi cried over, Cheng Xiaoshi exclaiming the more familiar “Guang!” in a moment of concern, and the way Lu Guang SCREAMED when Cheng Xiaoshi was shot (chills!). A shot Cheng Xiaoshi asking Lu Guang to not overexert himself.

The way Cheng Xiaoshi is impulsive about time travel until it comes to Lu Guang’s sake, and Lu Guang is so cautious … until it comes to Cheng Xiaoshi’s life. The man literally is ripping time/space apart to make sure he doesn’t lose Cheng Xiaoshi. (The “one gay man vs the fabric of space and time” Season 3 trailer memes have been both funny and distressing in these trying times.)

The OP (where they reach for each other, star-crossed) and ED (where they are compared to a man who loses his wife and invents time traveling to bring her back). The countless shots (the gorgeous rotating arc pans!) of the two as mirror images of one another, with colours, outfits, narrative, even identical wounds. Like passing ships in the night. If anything, the new season is so much gayer than I expected. I loved it.

The word “time”, written as ShiGuang, appears both in the title of the anime (Shiguang Dailiren, —Time Agents) and their photo studio (Shiguang Zhaoxiang Guan). To my delight, it’s also grown to become their ship name. The wordplay is just another way that the donghua is written in layers upon layers, but at it’s core it’s about two people who are inexplicably linked through space and time—except we don’t know if it’s by choice or fate (or both). But there’s always a fragility that permeates it, the uneasy feeling that the connection—or link—is as fleeting as the clap used to create it.

If that isn’t an epic, heart-wrenching romance, I’m not sure what is.

[notexactlyrocketscience]

These Witches Don't Burn duology by Isabel Sterling

one of my favourite YA reads in recent years!

Elemental witches! The magic is somewhere between Winx Club/W.I.T.C.H (sans the magical girl transformations) and Avatar, and it’s just so familiar and fun.

The narrator authentically sounds like a teenager, but remains engaging to any reader.

Diverse ensemble cast with very detailed characters.

Ballet aesthetic with some of the main characters—this really brought back my childhood. It was so vividly written and beautiful.

City/forest ambience is really well-done.

MURRRDERRR!!! Which came as a complete shock.

Things turn into a very dark and intense mystery/thriller/adventure with angsty betrayals.

And yet it still manages to remain so wholesome and warm.

The second-chance romance and other relationships are very sweet.

The sequel is as good as the first book and the ending is really satisfying!

I recieved a free ARC at an author event a few years ago, and I really wasn't expecting much from the duology. You can imagine my surprise when I finally picked it up. The audiobook is very fun, and the plot includes everything I want in a YA read—fantasy, romance, friendships, aesthetics, even murder and adventure. Truly one of my favourite series ever probably. I've seen some pictures of copies floating around so I just want to throw in my enthusiastic two cents—Highly, highly recommended!

[notexactlyrocketscience]

I've been a longtime Showa Genroku Rakugo Shinju fanatic. The historical theme is so well-done, it's engaging, the messy queer vibes are immaculate. I also love Banana Fish for its grungy city ambience, heart-wrenching romance and suspense.

I just finished watching Monster, which to me felt like a combination of the two (plus several other elements of course). It's seinen but honestly you could have fooled me—Women characters play prominent roles and are written to feel so real. There are subtle feminist undertones throughout, and sexual assault is very, very rarely used as a plot point. There's no service, and bodies are drawn so beautifully. There is a sense of precision towards each character’s race, backstory, and personality that also reflects in their design, no matter how unimportant they are. (Kenzo Tenma in particular was so swoon-worthy in the plain, fresh, Ghibli-esque way.)

Highly, highly recommended. Go watch it on Netflix, right now.

(The animation is already spectacular, but there are also upscaled versions of the episodes available online somewhere if you'd like better quality.)

[notexactlyrocketscience]

favourite adhd creators masterpost!

(especially for gender minorities, people of colour, and lgbtq+ community!) in no particular order:

adhdinos (ryan keats): just compassion and wholesome vibes.

the mini adhd coach by alice: incredible resource that highlights diverse experiences, presentations, and comorbidities of adhd outside the stereotypes.

adhd nutritionist (becca king): if you have trouble eating because of adhd, she’s going to save your life every day with compassionate advice that actually works.

how to adhd (jessica mccabe): her ted talk was one of the things that made me realise i may have adhd. her content covers a lot of breadth and is very resourceful.

adhd couple by ingri: the perfect resource when your partner (or friends!) also have adhd.

adhd superwoman (ingrid heyerdahl): more of the inspirational type, often featuring accounts of women with adhd.

izzie and adhd by izzie: incredible candid and heartwarming blog of her own experiences, with both celebratory and difficult moments.

authentically adhd by jak: here for the adhd positivity, staying for the gorgeous queer energy.

adhd alien (pina varnel): an incredible individual and artist who needs no introduction, they were the first adhd creator the majority of us stumbled across. <3

female adhd: great resource to learn about how adhd works in afab bodies, how symptoms interact with hormones, and the distinct impact of adhd on women's experiences in our society.

elyse myers: need i say more? her #theadhdway posts remind me of the untethered joy that can come with being neurodivergent. laughter is medicine and that’s what elyse is here to remind us.

this is a working list, so come back for more. <3 I am an instagram girlie so all of these link to instagram, but most (if not all!) of these creators are on twitter, tiktok, and tumblr (!!) as well! as someone with little to no access to mental health support for adhd, they have been imperative to my survival. I hope you find some comfort in them too!

[notexactlyrocketscience]

I’ve finished MAG 199 and I’m now terrified of listening to 200. Help. 😔

(No one asked me, but I’ve seen this question floating around r/TheMagnusArchives and have been there myself, so I thought I’d put my full week of obsessive post-Magnus melancholia to some use!)

🚨 mild spoiler warning if you don’t know the nature of the ending of The Magnus Archives! 🚨

I was really upset (crying on and off) for a whole week after I finished MAG 200. But it was really a very beautifully made episode with gorgeous soundscapes and phenomenal voice acting, and I'm so glad I finished it soon after listening to 199. (I had been considering putting it off because I was aware the ending would be ambiguous at best.)

These are some things that helped me get through the grief of finishing a beautiful piece of media, and the feelings of loss, heartbreak and frustration about the ambiguous ending for a fictional queer couple I really care about:

I slowly worked my way through all the extra content with the cast! (Q&As, Retrospectives, MAG Fluff, and Gaming, available on Spotify! Plus the The Magnus Protocol Kickstarter streams and Fan-requested JMart reads.) It a) brought me back to the real world and b) reminded me that TMA is a gorgeous complete piece of art and that's something to really celebrate.

I spent some time putting together my own, realistic interpretation of why the ending is absolutely perfect and the best possible scenario! (May have absently but extensively pondered on wholesome post-canon headcanons.)

I ranted on Tumblr. A lot.

I made a melancholic, heartfelt, angsty playlist that (to me) feels like a conversation between Jon and Martin. It starts loud and winds down gently to soft, vulnerable and introspective. I was initially hesitant to listen to any music after I finished TMA because I feared that the emotions would end me. I caved in the end, and curated mine really carefully. It gives I’m depressed but in love and it was painful to listen to but also so therapeutic. Not the kind of playlist I usually put together, but I was shocked to realise how much I can relate to it.

I made a manically big Pinterest board of Tumblr memes and fanart with good vibes! It’s actually easier to find the best stuff over there than it is through Tumblr’s search function.

I made a YouTube playlist of my favourite uplifting, cute and comedic fanmade animatics and clip athologies.

Lastly, I would highly recommend planning on some sort of similarly fun media that you can jump into when you feel ready! It makes it easier to move on and gain perspective. (After Banana Fish, I plunged myself into a bunch of other LGBTQ+ anime and it really helped!)

I think danmei in particular (achillean Chinese webnovels, often high fantasy) is somehow uniquely similar to TMA through the intricate world-building and plot, good fillers that interconnect, lengthy serialisation, wholesome vibes, and pining romance. The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation is a great one to start with, and is available in print at bookstores now! (I picked up The Husky and His White Cat Shizun.)

[notexactlyrocketscience]

TMA ending reflections (and theories about the sequel!)

When I initially listened to the ending, it felt like a good plan (and the prospects of a perfect happy ending) unnecessarily jeopardised. Jon and Martin’s panicked conversation sounded so hopeless and their final decision felt impulsive. Everything was in shambles, and a good outcome was unlikely at this point. The promise of Somewhere Else seemed like an empty euphemism to make certain death more bearable. I was frustrated, and heartbroken.

Now that I've taken a few days to process and distanced myself from the characters' momentary pain, I actually truly believe that what happened at the end was a happy accident instead.

I don’t think I can put it better than the Reddit post already has—The original plan proposed by Annabelle could have had equally (if not worse) disastrous outcomes. Even if it had been canonically executed, knowing the way Jonny and Alex love to write, things would still have been shown to end ambiguously—just less tragically poetic. For the purposes of the narrative, I think they did a great job of ending the series on a climactic, fulfilling (and hopeful!) note that remains faithful to the overall tone of The Magnus Archives. Jon and Martin weren’t exactly planning on doing what they did, but it’s given them a chance at the best and happiest ending that was up for grabs.

And I love that I genuinely don’t feel like I have to be in denial of the canon at all to fully believe in this interpretation, since it was left strictly ambiguous on purpose.

But there’s more!

The Magnus Protocol teaser has a seemingly unharmed (and physically corporeal) Martin surprised to see the familiar tape recorder show up again, long after he’s assumed they’ve stopped listening. This, plus the fact that Jonny and Alex have confirmed they will appear in TMA 2, tells me:

It’s unlikely that Jonny and Alex will appear simply to voice other side-characters, even those with distorted voices. It’s clear from Q&As that they take casting very seriously. I can’t see them double-casting (former) main characters.

So we’ll see Martin again, post-escape from Eyepocalypse. Not just an old S1-to-S5-era never-seen-before Magnus Archives tape found by Alice and Sam. Including formerly unrevealed tapes from TMA would be a really nice touch (and I hope we’ll get that too!), but I’m sure Jonny wouldn’t release that particular teaser if he wasn’t solidly planning on following through in some way. Jonny has always been very serious about giving the audience breadcrumb trails with properly viable clues.

Well … what about post-Eyepocalypse Jon? Well, I think Jon is only going to appear in such a way that either fully retains the ambiguity of the TMA ending, or hints/confirms in some way that he is also alive and unharmed (in whatever avatar or semi-avatar form).

In any case, if post-Eyepocalypse Martin (and maybe Jon) do indeed appear (which seems very likely at this point), it will also be implied or shown that they are, indeed, together—in a non-tragic, romantic, bordering on wholesome way.

I say this because confirming their death or separation after the TMA finale would completely ruin the sanctity of the ending. It’s really neatly tied up and beautiful as it is right now. Answering questions to ambiguous events negatively in sequels (eg having formerly surviving main characters simply as side-characters who die in sequels) is really hard to land properly. It borders on being disrespectful of the investment the audience put into the original. Jonny has always been very receptive and sensitive to these things.

However, showing that characters from a previously ambiguous ending are living their best lives as mysterious side-characters that pop in and out—bamboozling the main characters (but delighting the audience)—is a lot easier to execute favourably. It also keeps from taking attention away from the protagonists and the main plot of the sequel.

So my expectation (read: hope) is that we’re going to see Jon and Martin in our world, where the end of TMA implied that the tapes are, and where I assume The Magnus Protocol is set! They will be happy and together (this may be explicit or implied vaguely, I am not sure how they’d keep that completely ambiguous if the post-Eyepocalypse versions of the characters themselves explicitly appear), and nothing worse than TMA finale will happen to them.

I only have this belief because I have incredible faith in Jonny and Alex as writers! I think they subverted insensitive tropes creatively and did just about everything right in TMA, and I can’t say that about most authors I love. Yes, I do generally want my blorbos to be safe and happy, but the above is not just a culmination of my wishful thinking. Jonny and Alex have already said that they certainly aren’t going to try to overshadow TMA, but I’m also hoping The Magnus Protocol will complement TMA while not really trying to step on TMA’s toes. They didn't have to drop so many JonMartin return hints (or even write JonMartin into TMA 2 at all) but they did. Super excited and optimistic for what's to come!

[notexactlyrocketscience]

When I initially listened to the ending, it felt like a good plan (and the prospects of a perfect happy ending) unnecessarily jeopardised. Jon and Martin’s panicked conversation sounded so hopeless and their final decision felt impulsive. Everything was in shambles, and a good outcome was unlikely at this point. The promise of Somewhere Else seemed like an empty euphemism to make certain death more bearable. I was frustrated, and heartbroken.

Now that I've taken a few days to process and distanced myself from the characters' momentary pain, I actually truly believe that what happened at the end was a happy accident instead.

I don’t think I can put it better than the Reddit post already has—The original plan proposed by Annabelle could have had equally (if not worse) disastrous outcomes. Even if it had been canonically executed, knowing the way Jonny and Alex love to write, things would still have been shown to end ambiguously—just less tragically poetic. For the purposes of the narrative, I think they did a great job of ending the series on a climactic, fulfilling (and hopeful!) note that remains faithful to the overall tone of The Magnus Archives. Jon and Martin weren’t exactly planning on doing what they did, but it’s given them a chance at the best and happiest ending that was up for grabs.

And I love that I genuinely don’t feel like I have to be in denial of the canon at all to fully believe in this interpretation, since it was left strictly ambiguous on purpose.

But there’s more!

The Magnus Protocol teaser has a seemingly unharmed (and physically corporeal) Martin surprised to see the familiar tape recorder show up again, long after he’s assumed they’ve stopped listening. This, plus the fact that Jonny and Alex have confirmed they will appear in TMA 2, tells me:

It’s unlikely that Jonny and Alex will appear simply to voice other side-characters, even those with distorted voices. It’s clear from Q&As that they take casting very seriously. I can’t see them double-casting (former) main characters.

So we’ll see Martin again, post-escape from Eyepocalypse. Not just an old S1-to-S5-era never-seen-before Magnus Archives tape found by Alice and Sam. Including formerly unrevealed tapes from TMA would be a really nice touch (and I hope we’ll get that too!), but I’m sure Jonny wouldn’t release that particular teaser if he wasn’t solidly planning on following through in some way. Jonny has always been very serious about giving the audience breadcrumb trails with properly viable clues.

Well … what about post-Eyepocalypse Jon? Well, I think Jon is only going to appear in such a way that either fully retains the ambiguity of the TMA ending, or hints/confirms in some way that he is also alive and unharmed (in whatever avatar or semi-avatar form).

In any case, if post-Eyepocalypse Martin (and maybe Jon) do indeed appear (which seems very likely at this point), it will also be implied or shown that they are, indeed, together—in a non-tragic, romantic, bordering on wholesome way.

I say this because confirming their death or separation after the TMA finale would completely ruin the sanctity of the ending. It’s really neatly tied up and beautiful as it is right now. Answering questions to ambiguous events negatively in sequels (eg having formerly surviving main characters simply as side-characters who die in sequels) is really hard to land properly. It borders on being disrespectful of the investment the audience put into the original. Jonny has always been very receptive and sensitive to these things.

However, showing that characters from a previously ambiguous ending are living their best lives as mysterious side-characters that pop in and out—bamboozling the main characters (but delighting the audience)—is a lot easier to execute favourably. It also keeps from taking attention away from the protagonists and the main plot of the sequel.

So my expectation (read: hope) is that we’re going to see Jon and Martin in our world, where the end of TMA implied that the tapes are, and where I assume The Magnus Protocol is set! They will be happy and together (this may be explicit or implied vaguely, I am not sure how they’d keep that completely ambiguous if the post-Eyepocalypse versions of the characters themselves explicitly appear), and nothing worse than TMA finale will happen to them.

I only have this belief because I have incredible faith in Jonny and Alex as writers! I think they subverted insensitive tropes creatively and did just about everything right in TMA, and I can’t say that about most authors I love. Yes, I do generally want my blorbos to be safe and happy, but the above is not just a culmination of my wishful thinking. Jonny and Alex have already said that they certainly aren’t going to try to overshadow TMA, but I’m also hoping The Magnus Protocol will complement TMA while not really trying to step on TMA’s toes. They didn't have to drop so many JonMartin return hints (or even write JonMartin into TMA 2 at all) but they did. Super excited and optimistic for what's to come!

I finished listening to the Magnus Archives last night, and just wanted to thank these two users in r/TheMagnusArchives for providing posts that finally soothed my broken heart a little bit in the morning. I hope they can do the same for you, too, if you’re also easily utterly devastated by endings that even have a smidge of dark uncertainty.

[notexactlyrocketscience]

No you guys don’t understand, I went into TMA completely blind with only a faint idea halfway through season 1 that Martin might develop vague feelings for Jon by the end of the series. That was it. I thought it was just going to be just Season 1 format for five seasons. (Puts on creepy clown makeup.)

Then I got to the Season 1 Q&A, and I was astonished by Jonny and Alex’s chemistry. No, really. I watch a lot of sapphic YouTube, and they finished each other’s sentences and laughed at each other’s jokes like long-term wives. They agreed on just about everything—especially for the more complex questions—and their disagreements were playful and adorable.

(I was like, if these two aren’t dating yet, then they should. They should do it for the gays.)

Well, I was completely and utterly wrong. (Jonny is married to Sasha Sienna, Georgie’s VA, and Alex is married to Hannah Brankin, Rosie’s VA. The former is actually quite narratively satisfying.) Both through personal experiences and disappointment in other media, I’ve been so primed to be skeptical of cishet-passing white men who write speculative fiction. And yet, Jonny and Alex turned out to be just two people who genuinely care about representing diverse identities, respecting the audience’s investments in the characters, and leaning into the plot’s natural progression instead of resisting. They’re just wholesome men.

ngl, it kind of reminded me there is still hope in the world.

They are incredible writers, and honestly? You probably should co-write with people that are as compatible with your vibe and wavelength as a romantic or queer-platonic partner would be.

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Dear god. You followed my blog among an absolute fuckton of porn spambots and I almost blocked and reported you.

Apologies! But also hello fellow ADHD PoC!

There’s been a huge influx of bots here recently and I’ve had to wade through many myself in my recent following, so I completely understand! Hi fellow queer ADHD PoC!! 💛😊👋

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Mini “Should I consider whether I may actually have ADHD?” masterpost:

“The lost girls: ‘Chaotic and curious, women with ADHD all have missed red flags that haunt us’ ” by Noelle Faulkner for The Guardian

“The Lost Girls of ADHD: Getting diagnosed as an adult hasn’t been the relief I thought it would be” by Kara Eva Schlegl for Human Thoughts

“ADHD Is Different for Women” by Maria Yagoda for The Atlantic

“Failing at Normal: An ADHD Success Story” by Jessica McCabe for TEDx

“Should You Be Assessed for ADHD?” by Dr Stephen Humphries for Harley Therapy

Bonus: “The Results of My Brain Scan” by Laura Clery

There are a growing number of similar articles and resources that you can easily look up now, but the above list, starting with the first article (shared by a woman of colour friend with ADHD), is how I dove headfirst into a rabbit hole in January 2021 that's become a years-long journey.

I grew out of my selective mutism and into an incredibly organised student as a teenager, but my productivity and focus quickly went downhill halfway through twelfth grade before I took my IALs.

The first time I considered having ADHD was in August 2019, during my freshman year in university. After a friend (who grew up with far more prominent mental health struggles, including depression and anxiety that affected her grades) shut me down saying I was probably just “demotivated” instead, I quickly dispelled the thought. I didn’t want to be yet another neurotypical person trying to use mental health issues as an excuse for my laziness. I grew up with crippling, alienating social anxiety, and it had gotten worse with my move to the US for university—I wondered if I might have autism; I had always been so different from other kids. But I didn’t get a high probability on the free quizzes on the internet, and that had been the end of that.

I didn’t know at the time what masking was, and how ADHD and autism symptoms can overlap—how the two are often mistaken for one another. I didn’t know that ADHD can present differently in women and people of colour because of the environment we grow up in, and because of how we have been excluded from medical research from the moment of its discovery.

In Bangladesh, we’re expected to grow out of our neurodivergence, which is euphemised as personality quirks. There is a great stigma around having children with disabilities, and around mental healthcare in general, so parents often live in denial about their neurodivergent children. There is a very stereotypical view of how a child or adult with autism is supposed to appear, and about the occasional “hyper little boys” that will usually grow up to become quiet, calm, mature and shy. Girls are raised in an extremely regulated, structured environment with high expectations. We begin developing masking skills from the moment we develop a sense of gender.

If you are struggling to understand yourself, look up your symptoms. Do a deep dive. Ask your friends—multiple friends. Trust your instincts. Be patient and forgiving of yourself. There is so much more dimension to mental health and neurodivergence that may not be well-known within your community. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Goodreads is getting a revamp?! For the first time since evil Amazon bought it in 2013?! This is HUGE (though I kind of miss the classic, nostalgic look).

Like a few other users, I've been parallelly using The StoryGraph besides GR because it has MUCH better features and design, and awesome for mood-reading. (It was super easy to import all my old GR data, though repeating that to "sync" regularly would risk duplicates.) The only reason I still use GR is because of its sheer VOLUME of data and (sadly) unmatched userbase (also some features like quotes, groups, and lists).

In case you're curious, here's how GR has been problematic:

Owned by Amazon, a huge corporation that neglects and underpays its workers (SG was founded and is still independently owned by a woman of colour, Nadia Odunayo, who actually loves reading! <3)

Was once an alternative space to Amazon book reviews, but now it's all the same

Amazon was lazy and neglectful (big surprise there) about updating/adding features (just check out SG!!)

Very few tools to manage author pseudonyms and name changes (which is especially important for trans authors).

Relies on volunteer "librarians" to add data, so there's misinformation sometimes (like quote misattribution) that authors do not have enough control to change from their end.

Minimal support for trolling and cyberbullying, which disproportionately affects the sales and public perception of marginalized authors. (GR also only pays attention if the author is influential.) GR could have added ways to verify accounts, like requiring a phone number, to avoid fake accounts, but really Amazon doesn't care about the book community. Amazon cares about profit. :)

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Because this Tweet has been circulating, I just want to address some things.

I’d like to preface this with:

I love Stranger Things.

I think this season (and the last), was flawed in several ways. It’s okay to say it. Media is subjective, and I usually don’t feel the urge to defend my favourites with my life, especially after I’ve read discourse directly from people it concerns the most.

I think this Tweet is misunderstanding (and derailing from) the queer fanbase’s major concerns. No, I don’t think the writers were queerbaiting with Robin or Will, who are canonically queer. I haven’t even come across any opinions really saying that. (If anything, the writers—or rather the cast—were perhaps queerbaiting with some Eddie and Nancy scenes.)

This isn’t a conversation about what an artist owes their audience. The writers, of course, owe us nothing. Regardless, I think it's important to discuss the effects of an existing, ongoing high-profile show that will inadvertantly affect peoples' worldview.

I think Robin's coming out scene was really beautiful. I would change nothing. I love that she has a love interest this season. However, I think it's valid to say her love interest is the only side-character one so far, and we have yet to see much of her character beyond being hyperactive in much the same way as Robin. Nearly every single book I’ve read over the last couple of years have been about and/or by queer people, and from my personal intuition of whether there’s been a lot of nuance, thought, and care put into a fictional character … This isn’t one of them.

Whether the writers meant for it to be that way or not, the audience picked up on Will's queer vibe from the beginning—similarly to how we saw it in Elsa from Disney’s Frozen. The Duffer brothers (unlike Disney) chose to not go against that natural progression of the character … which I believe is the bare minimum, because doing so without good reason would be a slightly odd decision from the writer’s end at best, at least kind of homophobic at worst.

I think the gentle way Will’s queerness has been highlighted this season through his feelings for Mike, and his scene with Jonathan was wonderful. His confession to Mike was rich with palpable emotion. At the same time, I understand that a high-profile show like this has a wide fanbase, and explicitly addressing Will’s sexuality the way they did Robin’s would have been another amazing win for the LGBTQ+ visibility on-screen—directly shutting down homophobes that might try to deny it. (Y’all should know that homophobes are wildly talented at het-washing queercoded characters.) This was a missed opportunity.

To add insult to injury (and setting aside the fact that all of Will’s character arcs have been based on suffering), I think the way Will used his confession as a clearly excruciating ~ selfless ~ act of support for his obviously straight crush’s heterosexual relationship was … actually distressing. Y’all, this has been done before in media practically word for word, time and time again. It’s queer torture-porn and clever bi-erasure. It’s ✨ authentic ✨, sure, but in the way the bury-the-gays trope is: Hide away the queers for the comfort of the majority cishet audience.

(When can we expect authentic mainstream media about queer people that lived and loved? They existed, too.)

I also think it was a cop-out. I just feel like while the technical adventure/sci-fi plot of Stranger Things is almost flawless, they sometimes don’t know what to do to add interpersonal relationship progressions. They rekindled some drama between Steve, Nancy and Jonathan, with hints at the end of continuation into the next season. It’s unnecessary and repetitive, reminiscent of old lengthy romcom series.

I think what really would have been interesting, brave, revolutionary (and realistic) is if they had left the adult characters alone, and stirred up some drama between the teenagers instead.

What if Mike were queer? What if he and El truly did grow out of each other, like they seem to have been doing naturally for the past two seasons? (The setup and context of Mike’s monologue to El—indicating they’re probably going to be endgame after all—was great, but I think even a teenage boy like him could have said less corny words that actually made me feel something, especially as a former Mileven fanatic.) Just like I want someone new for Steve, I've ended up wanting someone better (or no one but herself) for Eleven. There were several scenes in which I swore I could feel a palpable tension between Mike and Will. I don't want Byler to happen for the sake of an achillean protagonist. I want it to happen because I truly see the potential in the characters; I think it would be extraordinary turn of events, true to the spirit of Stranger Things’ generally excellent storytelling.

But a canon Byler would’ve imploded the fanbase. Canon Bylers don’t happen. They’re left for fanfic. That’s how it’s worked for decades. The main straight character can’t be queer, because he never acted queer. Because for years, media has indicated that queer people can be put in boxes. By risking some of its (huge) revenue, Stranger Things could’ve played a major part in changing that.

Or they could have just altered the car scene to not make such a big deal out of simple rejection, and spared the queer community from another subtle blow.

As we optimistically wait for new developments, I think it's important to note that the world is going to sit with just what we have so far until 2024, and we'll get only one more season.

Maybe you think Stranger Things did great on this front because you're comparing it to other, worse Netflix shows, but some of those are objectively—perhaps even deliberately—trashy. The film industry is trash, and while we should praise even the tiniest positive change, it's not an excuse to turn a blind eye towards remaining concerns.

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Alright y'all, let's do this.

Review: The Summer I Turned Pretty (2022)

(no major spoilers!)

If you missed my long hate-rant about the book, here you are.

Jenny Han is a great contemporary author, I just feel like the book focused on the wrong (and often problematic) themes, and therefore didn't age well. Naturally, I was excited about the 2022 Amazon Prime adaptation for that reason—I binged it in one go, and I wasn’t disappointed!

What I disliked:

🥀 There's nothing particularly special or distinctly high-budget about the show (perhaps other than the marketing)—It definitely has that same old teen drama ambience with a generic original background music score, and sometimes doesn’t linger long enough on important scenes. The flashbacks are kinda eh because the characters just look like adults dressed like kids, so I'm glad they kept those to a minimum. (Some book fans were disappointed but tbh most of the flashbacks in the book were just depictions of Belly being bullied by the boys and then idolizing them for the bare minimum.)

🥀 Love triangles involving siblings are just icky, okay? I was hoping they'd tone it down a little in the show, maybe limit it to just a confession scene, some chaste and awkward dating, and then a heartbreaking rejection for the second lead, but ohhhhh no. ಠ_ಠ

🥀 Y'all ... it should be ILLEGAL for teen shows to depict PARENTS having sex or steamy makeouts. Look, I fully respect that all parents are individuals with their own lives, sexuality, et cetera outside of their roles as parents, but even for me as a grown adult it’s uncomfortable and traumatizing to watch, okay? WHY is it necessary??

🥀 It's looking like they're going to bring out further seasons, but man I hate the icky trash-drama plots of the sequels. I hope they heavily diverge from that, but really I wish they'd neatly wrapped up in one season while they were still ahead.

Okay, onto things I liked 💫:

🌻 THE CASTING?? The books made it seem like everyone was white, but the show is sooo inclusive! They made Laurel, Steven and Belly Korean-American just like Han, which I appreciated so much. ❣️ They're all amazing actors, perfect for each role and really brought the characters to life.

🌻 There's so much more content about the parents! (Aside from the unnecessary makeout/sex scenes) Laurel is an author (!! like Han!) and Susannah is an artist. The dads are around, too, and we get to learn so much about all the adults' dynamic!

🌻 BISEXUAL JEREMIAH! BISEXUAL JEREMIAH, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!! This was so perfect for his golden retriever-like character, like a missing puzzle piece. 💖💜💙 There's also a side-character sapphic couple, and a bi middle-aged man main character. The queer inclusion is perfect and never feels artificial.

🌻 THE MUSIC SELECTION?! Sooo high-budget and inclusive of POC and queer artists: Lots of Taylor Swift, plus Olivia Rodrigo, Billie Eilish, Baby Queen, HAIM, Japanese Breakfast, Phoebe Bridgers, BLACKPINK, Bon Iver, Matt Maltese, Doja Cat, Hayley Kyoko, Tame Impala, and so many others. Amazon Prime does such a phenomenal job of matching specific lyrics and vibes to a scene, but again sometimes the fade-in/-out is abrupt, probably because of screentime limits.

🌻 THE BOYS AREN’T ASSHOLES!! Applauds wildly Steven is sometimes bossy, insecure and mean, but he's quick to see sense and apologise. Jeremiah is only reasonably protective and rarely immature; for the most part he's so, so selfless and adoring. The show does a MILES better job in portraying Conrad NOT as a selfish asshole, but as a usually gentle and attentive person who is very bothered (for GOOD reasons) and not himself this summer. He doesn't have the headspace to indulge in serious romantic pursuits, but his emotions often get the better of him and he acts impulsively, letting people down. He eventually realises his wrongdoings and always makes proper amends. Cam is the gentleman he always is, and the other boys respect that—any jibes they initially make at him are significantly more light-hearted. Toxic masculinity is NOT romanticised like it is in the book.

🌻 Belly is the exact character I wanted in the books. She knows what she wants—personal growth and respect from others. AND she stands up for herself several times. She is not a pick-me girl and calls out bullshit. Most of all, she doesn't mistreat Cam.

🌻 Women in general are portrayed better. There are many complex teen girls in the series, all with their own individual backgrounds. Taylor and Belly have their fights but then they talk things out like real friends. It's really refreshing and more accurate to real life.

🌻 New scenes were added with all the important conversations and communication between the characters that never happened in the book. It made the series so much more comforting and wholesome, and didn't leave me with that uneasy feeling.

🌻 The new plotline additions were highly appreciated! They're nothing ultra-original, but they subtly enriched the narrative and removed the overly serious focus on the romance that the book had.

🌻 The theme (or at least, one of the major themes) was the correct one!—That all teen girls (and anyone!) deserve to feel both pretty and independant whenever they want to, regardless of what they look like, what they're wearing, where they are. This does not make them less worthy of respect, and is not an excuse to infantilise or dismiss them. A true coming-of-age.

🌻 The summery beach setting really is soothing and lovely. 🌅

🌻 This time, I totally shipped Belly with whoever the show was going for. The sparks were there, and it felt warm and bright. It just worked and made sense, every time. They definitely did that part right. ✨

That's all from me, folks! It's not a must-watch show by any means, but definitely more worth your time than the book, especially since Jenny Han was involved in the writing process. 🌸 Have fun!

[notexactlyrocketscience]

Review: The Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han

Overview

You know that particular kind of contemporary YA that's really popular right now? A diverse character cast that lives and grows through their experiences together and through heartfelt conversations, and ends up as more developed human beings while their complex interpersonal relationships evolve?

Well, this book is kind of the opposite. More precisely, it's written in the kind of mystical, dark, lucid YA voice that was more popular before the light-hearted, uplifting kind took over. It does have complex teen characters and some form of (questionable) coming-of-age, but it lacks in representing healthy relationships. Often, it takes itself (and compulsorily cisheterosexual teen "love"/destiny) too seriously. Many younger readers would love that, but past that age it just feels toxic and pretentious.

A lot of Belly’s inner monologue is super relatable. It reminds me of how insecure I felt as a teen girl, how I strived for particular kinds of beauty and male approval. (It came hand-in-hand with my “I’m not like other girls,” phase, and so does Belly’s.) The three other teen main characters, Steven (Belly’s brother), Conrad, and Jeremiah are all older than Belly and spent most of their summers hazing her with mysoginistic undertones—she’s left out because she’s too much of a girl, and at the same time she’s not deemed womanly enough to respected as a real girl. (Other girls either fall into the f*ckable or non-f*ckable category … and that’s it. That’s all women are to these boys.) The way the mixed messaging has turned her into an incredibly anxious individual is palpable, and relatable, and painful to read about.

Understandably, at 15 (and possibly the kids' last summer at their Cousins beach house), we find her still trying to prove herself, by forcefully pretending to be tough by enduring hazing (so she’s part of the bros) and then nervously micromanaging herself to look “effortlessly” beautiful (to be f*ckable by Conrad, but also not too “full of herself” like the other women he hung around with). The boys (unsurprisingly) respond by mocking her and trying to manipulate and police her back into her “old” (ie weak + unf*ckable) self.

(Note: The couple other teen girls lightly highlighted here are self-obsessed, brainless man-eaters.)

Characters

Conrad is basically your next door teen f*ckboy. Moody, selfish, emotionally unavailable to the degree that a tiny spark of vulnerability or attention from him makes women swoon for him. When he’s secretly in love with someone, he’s overly possesive, controlling and hot-and-cold mean towards her, and sabotages all her relationships. : ) That’s how to get the girl, folks.

We’re told that Jeremiah, Conrad's brother, is Belly’s “pal”, because he’s more decent and open about his emotions than Conrad and he shares (most of) what he’s going through with Belly, and vice versa. But he’s also shown to be incredibly disloyal. He doesn’t take sides during conflict (he only tries to “dissipate the tension” by joking around, even when serious sh*t is going down), and he either idly watches or actively participates when the others are treating Belly badly.

(Can I just add here—I find love triangles in which the two alternative love interests are SIBLINGS just … gross. There, I said it. But I suspended that personal ick feeling for the sake of giving this well-loved book a chance.)

Steven is the sibling edition of Jeremiah. Less *bosom buddies*, a little more detached (but attached in a familial way), a little more protective in an annoying, controlling way. Still a bully. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Just another flavour.

✨ SPOILERS IN NEXT TWO PARAGRAPHS ✨

Cam (Belly's summer boyfriend) is the only teen that I liked in this book. He is gentle, sweet, and has a healthy approach to dating. He is the ultimate non-judgemental soft™️ boy that will find you beautiful despite no matter how you look, who is vegetarian because to avoid animal cruelty, who will always ask before he touches you.

The other boys jeeringly respond by indicating he's obviously not macho enough, and Belly is so easily influenced by them that she is immediately embarrassed of Cam instead of being supportive of him, even though she initially liked his positive traits. She eventually decides he is unexciting; totally not toxic enough for her. : D She leads him on to make Conrad jealous, sends him a bunch of mixed messages, and then outright ghosts him. So much for the one decent man in this book. (I would read a spinoff on him in a heartbeat.)

✨ DONE WITH SPOILERS ✨

The moms of these characters are BFFs and perhaps the only similar-age healthy relationship portrayed in the book. However, they either ignore or laugh off the boys' bad behaviour, not only towards Belly but towards Cam as well ... which is literally just bad parenting???

(My sister joked that the moms should’ve gotten together, and that would’ve turned it into the ultimate K-Drama star-crossed enemies-to-lovers fiasco. Made me laugh so hard.)

Conclusion

With all of the above set up, I still held out hope for a satisfying ending. I wanted to see Belly realize the boys were all trash, gain true confidence in her self-worth, and open herself up to other, better romantic relationships. (Our girl had repressed bi vibes for sure, too.) There was a powerful, relatable statement in the beginning where Belly said now that she was older (more in-tune with her own body and tastes), she truly felt pretty for the first time. I wanted her to lean into that power, and realise it was never about how she objectively looked but about how she felt about herself; that the boys were just sh*tty human beings scared of confident women, and had hence done their utmost to gatekeep her from becoming just that. I was hoping that would be the theme of the book.

✨ MILD SPOILERS IN NEXT PARAGRAPH ✨

The book leads us slightly in that direction, and then Belly explodes into a few monologues, finally speaking her mind to Conrad and Jeremiah, but then within a couple pages she’s already forgiven them both, despite not getting any proper apologies. In fact, I'm pretty sure neither of them really heard her properly, or cared. I felt like the romance theme needlessly overshadowed the main concerns of the plot. The end left me uneasy. (I know a lot more drama goes down in the next two books. I looked up some summaries and ... yeesh. Ick factor intensifies)

✨ DONE WITH MILD SPOILERS ✨

A GR community review for the final installment in Summer said that there's a difference between an author truly caring about the characters growing through challenges and an author just using their characters as pawns to create trashy digestible drama, and I agree. The book’s redeeming qualities turned out to be in its little descriptions, relatable emotions, and how beautifully the language flows. (I effortlessly read it in a couple sittings.) So much lost potential. I adore Jenny Han's To All The Boys I Loved Before trilogy, perhaps because it's newer, but also perhaps because she put more of herself, and more affection, into her characters.

Adaptation

I picked up this book because there's allegedly going to be not one, but TWO Taylor Swift rerecordings in the adaptation. I really love the TATBILB adaptations (the aesthetic! the wholesome characters!), and seeing that they've already made a few changes to TSITP (Belly is Korean American! Like the author!) and that it's coming out in 2022 (plus I have to grudgingly agree “This Love” is a stunningly good fit), I'm going to hope for the best. <33

/end rant! thanks for reading!