#“have you considered quitting?” when im here to talk about the emotional breakdown one of your fucking leads gave me? fucking excuse me?

[ashenxrogue]

me? causing drama in the workplace on purpose?

i'd never

aint my fault if I'm just finally so fed up with the management's bullshit that I'm dragging up everything they've ever said/done to me that's been some right shit

knock knock, the consequences of your actions have arrived

[captainstarkky]

Doom at Your Service - An Appreciation Post

Before starting this lengthy post about how I love this drama, I would just like to commend the writer - Im Meari. She has done a wonderful job with this series. I am sad that Episode 10, which was supposed to be the most meaningful episode - had the lowest ratings in Korean media.  But still the whole drama as a while was a masterpiece. What can I say? It is philosophical and poetic at the same time. It entails too many meanings and it has born too many questions.

For me, the whole series is the journey to acceptance.

And Myeol Mang represents that.

When we are faced with an imminent death or destruction, our first reaction is to get angry, frustrated. That’s a normal emotional response to a bad news for humans. If you are in the right head, you will obviously cry or either space out, unable to talk for a few minutes. That is how we get frustrated, that is how we get angry.

And remember what Myul Mang said?

“No one could love me. Everyone either resent me or wants me. Or some fear me.”

It roughly translates to layterm as: ‘...everyone resents me’ (no one wants to die) “...wants me” (some wants to die)... “or some fear me.” (everyone is afraid to die)

That’s quite familiar, right? Hmmm? Now proceed.

Now there is actually a theory that talks about grief. It is a psychological construct that has been proposed to explain why people react the way they react when posed with an information they can’t accept. It is a theory of Elizabeth Ross. She called it the 5 Stages of Grief.

According to her, whenever people experience a life changing event - either death, divorce, end of relationship - a person experiences grief and to get out of that, one needs to pass through stages. It is personal and does not entail timelines and schedule - which is harder for someone who has a terminal illness.

Now, some of you might ask: Why and how did you correlate both?

Simple. Because Myeol Mang is destruction. And Tak Dongkyung is dying - she has three months to live, to be specific, she has 50 days to live as of the 10th episode. Therefore, we can say that Tak Dongkyung is currently in this five stages that I’m talking about. 

The story is all about Tak Dongkyung accepting his faith: which is her inevitable death.

By the way, a bit of a trivia, Doom at Your Service wasn’t the only drama who discussed this theory. If you are familiar with Last Romance, the story centers with the theory as well. 

There are five stages of grief as per the theory.

Denial

Denial is the stage where a person still cannot accept the fact that he/she is dying. She may be redirecting her attention elsewhere or she’s just ignoring the fact that she is.

Actually before episode 10, Tak DongKyung is still in the spectrum of denial. She doesn’t accept the fact that she’s dying. Not talking about it is the indication. She prepares to die - writes a bucketlist, clear out whatever is holding her in the world, assures her brother, etc. - but in reality, she doesn’t want to die. She is still in the process of denying the fact that she is dying.

She is basically pushing the idea of Myung Mang to the back of her mind.

That’s why, Myul Mang wants her to speak it out. He wants her to accept it with all her heart; because that’s the only way she could fully love him.

That is also the reason why the Deity told her to LOVE HIM ‘because I created them for you, humans.’

You’re not supposed to hate death and destruction. Because in the end of everything, we are doomed to end anyway. So we got to accept it. We got to love it.

Denial is probably the hardest stage to get over to because you know that there is still a lot you can do before you finally accept it out. That’s probably the reason why she stayed there for the longest time.

Anger

Anger is when you finally considers the idea of dying - but rejects it out. No one wants to die. And if we are faced with the fact, it is only natural to get angry. But to whom?

Tak Dongkyung hated Myul Mang. And she actually makes her point on this fact during the early episodes. 

She blames him for everything - for a moment.

She might’ve been thinking: why me? And honestly I don’t blame her. Out of all the 7 billion people, you are chosen to have a hundred days to live. If I was her, I would get angry too.

But a little food for the mind: Tak Dongkyung isn’t really angry at Myul Mang. She just want to blame someone for her misfortunes, for her cancer. I mean, she is still young and has a full life to live, she still has to take care of her brother and marry him off a good woman, then all of a sudden, she got cancer. All those plans ruined just because of a few words. And a cocky guy shows up outside her apartment announcing that he’s doom - etce tera, etce tera. Again, If I was her, I would be angry at Myul Mang myself.

Because anger helps us cope.

Although she’s pass that stage now, she certainly have his fair points when it comes to getting angry at our Doom.

Bargaining

Bargaining is a temporary truce. We want our life back so we tend to do everything to get it back. Even if we have to bargain with a demon or something. Some people goes back to their faith, some people risk all their possessions to their doctors. Bottomline, we want to have a chance. A fighting chance.

The second Tak Dongkyung entered the contract with Myul Mang, she already started bargaining.

She started thinking what could be her wish. Even if she never materialized them, she thought of them. So since we are talking about wishes, here are her possible wishes:

People would forget about her when she die.

Wanting to live

Happy Ending

For Myul Mang not to get hurt when she’s gone.

End of the world.

But isn’t the wish supposed to be directed to self?

No not necessarily. If you’re in the early stages of bargaining, it might be the case. But as you move to the later stages, your perspective changes and your wishes will center more on your loved ones. You will want them not to get sad when you pass; or good health for them; good fortune. And that will eventually lead you to the fourth stage - which is depression. Because you know that your wishes for them could never come true.

Depression

This is the interesting part.

What is depression? It is the feeling of immense hopelessness especially in her case that she is dying. The fact that your short life will not leave a mark and the fact that you won’t be able t see your loved ones again - that sadness - but to the greater length. To the point of you not being able to function properly in the society.

Where did the depression start? It did not even show in the whole series.

Oh no, it did.

This is the reason why this drama is for those people who can understand social cues - therefore, intelligent people. If you haven’t seen it then it’s a good time to rerun the drama on your laptops.

Tak Dongkyung has always been depressed. She wouldn’t wish the end of the world if she is not.

From the death of her parents, from the constant thoughts of being a burden to her aunt, from her missed interviews, from his brother stopping college, from her sexist boss, from her cheating ex, from her cancer. Everything is just depressing. 

But why can’t we see it?

Depression is a psychological issue. She might present herself as a happy person but there’s no guarantee that she feels the same inside.

That makes sense.

And do you know what’s the peak of her depression? The moment she knew about her sickness. 

The same day she met our handsome Myul Mang.

Acceptance

Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage, for it only means that you are finally in the stage where you have finally made terms with your fate. It is the stage where you’re staring to realize that ‘ah, it’s really here.’

And that, my friends, is the goal of the drama.

Tak Dongkyung who’s always scared, sad, and hated her life must accept it. She must be able to accept her fate and herself. She needs to accept Myul Mang. Her death.

And to be honest, she is making a whole lot of improvement compared to when she was on the previous episodes. She was truthfully falling for Myul Mang and it means that she’s slowly accepting her death.

We can hear her say:

“I’m not scared anymore...”

On the teaser after Episode 10. It can only mean one thing, she is a step closer to acceptance.

Tak Dongkyung’s journey to self-acceptance still is not ending. She still have a few more days.

Technically, she’ll die. But I hope she will not and she will end up with Myul Mang in the end.

With that I would like to make a point: This drama is for philosophical people.

If you cannot understand what is happening, then it’s obvious that you will not be watching it. If you want skinship and lots of cute scenes, then you can watch this - Seo In-guk and Park Bo-young serves us just enough - but you still won’t get it.

You’ll think that it’s going nowhere and eventually drop the drama because all you want is fluff and love story.

I hope it’s not like that.

Just like everyone who shares their thought and theories, breakdowns in here, let us try to read between the lines on what it really wants to tell us.

You will enjoy it, I promise.

[asian-hero]

The Words I Can Finally Say To You In Confidence

A/N: Remember when I wrote “The Words I Desperately Want To Say” and “[Im]perfectly You?” Well, here’s the aftermath of those two fics :) 

The third (and perhaps final) part of this impromptu series 

also ahaHA I’M BACK :,)

Summary: After a long road of learning to love himself, Todoroki Shouto is finally in a place where he feels comfortable with himself, flaws and all. So, what better way to celebrate this newfound self love than to finally tell you what he’s been trying to so desperately for the past few years?

Words: 1,612

Todoroki Shouto never once considered himself to be worthy of love.

Though, no one could really blame him. After all, his family, already cracked beyond repair with tension, was completely demolished by his birth. His father, so distracted by wanting to create the “prefect” vessel for him to beat All Might with, pushed him further from both his family and beyond his body’s limits. His mother, driven to the edge by his father, left him with a permanent reminder that he’d always be remembered as a monster in her eyes. His eldest brother, Touya, grew to despise him and wanted him dead. Fuyumi and Natsuo, while they never said anything, were awkward around him, not quite knowing what to do with themselves, with the knowledge of what he did to their family. Throughout the majority of his life, he’d never been showed the love that he so desperately craved.

It wasn’t until high school that he finally began to see himself as more than a home wrecker, as more than a monster. His friends made sure to remind him that he was his own person, someone who could be worthy of the praise he received, worthy of friendship. Yet despite these newfound bonds, he still never felt that he was someone who deserved love. A part of him still held onto the belief that he would ruin everything eventually, as he always did.

But, when you forced yourself into his life, determined to show him all of the wonderful things about himself, he couldn’t help but give into you. 

Even when he couldn’t see anything worthy of your love inside himself, you made an effort to remind him that he was your favorite person on the planet. Whenever he was beating himself up, it was you who would come to his aid, a kind smile on your face as you quietly listed off all of the things you loved about him, all the way from his mismatched, slightly singed hair, to his calloused hands, hard from all of the work and dedication he put into his job. Soft kisses were shared throughout the day, right from when he woke up, all the way up until the two of you were settled in bed, getting ready for the next day. Every kiss would be accompanied with a sweet declaration of love, one that you never forced him to reciprocate. 

For some reason, he could never get the words out, the shape of them so foreign. Though it wasn’t for a lack of trying, as there had been a multitude of times where he wanted to scream to the world about how much he loved you, about how you made him feel like he finally deserved what he so desperately craved. He wanted to tell everyone he knew about how you made him feel like he was an actual person, with feelings and all, rather than the monster he’d grown up thinking he was. However, whenever the words were on the tip of his tongue, he’d shut his mouth tightly, the words dying in his throat. 

When the night came and all of his emotions were put on display for you to see, rather than admonishing him for what he saw as a stupid flaw, you held him close, whispering to him just how much you loved and cared for him. You made him feel safe. Even when he still didn’t tell you those three little words, you never made him feel bad about it. Rather, you made sure to say it enough for the both of you, in hopes to remind him that he was truly worthy of everything good in the world. 

Even when he had a breakdown about his own self-image, of how he viewed himself, you never made fun of him. Rather than look at him incredulously, telling him that his self-esteem issues were ridiculous, you instead told him you’d remind him everyday just how beautiful you thought he was. 

To him, you were the epitome of warmth. Though it took a lot of effort on your part, you helped him see himself the way you saw him. While he knew there would never be a moment where he fully loved himself, you helped him at least learn to care for himself. He may not love himself, but he certainly liked the person he was becoming. 

So, after years of learning how to like himself, when the opportunity arose, he couldn’t stop the words he’d been aching to say from rushing out of him.

The two of you were relaxing on the couch, with your legs propped up onto his lap while you lazily scrolled through your phone. Shouto, as usual, was simply admiring you, enjoying the way your nose scrunched up whenever you found something funny, or when you’d lean over to show him a cute cat video you thought he’d like. As he continued to watch you, he couldn’t stop the warm feeling from bubbling up his chest, a pleasant wash of happiness bathing him. 

If he were to ascribe a word to you, he’d call you home. The feeling of when you come back from a long day at work, the cold of the evening biting at your figure, suddenly being immersed in the comforting warmth of your home. Seeing you felt as though Shouto were being wrapped into a woolen blanket, enjoying the peaceful air surrounding him. He’d been told before, by his mother, that home wasn’t always a place, but sometimes it was a person who made you feel comfortable enough to be yourself. Years of mistreatment and abuse had made him skeptical of that notion, as he could never see himself ever taking solace in a person. However, as soon as he’d met you, and you’d somehow wormed your way into his heart, he knew exactly what his mother was talking about. 

As Shouto continued to stare at you, seemingly lost in his own thoughts, you rose an eyebrow, setting your phone down. Smiling, you tapped his thigh with your foot, a giggle leaving your lips as he was startled back into reality.

“Something you want to share with the class, love bug?” You asked, enjoying the way his face crinkled at the new nickname, “Admiring my beauty?”

When he didn’t respond, your smile faded. Sitting up straighter, you looked at him, a bit of concern flickering in your eyes. “Sho, is everything—“

“I love you.”

The words were quiet, and they were so rushed that it almost sounded as if he were speaking another language. But you heard it.

You blinked once. Then twice. Finally, you felt your eyes widen, your body trying to cope with what you just heard. Taking in a shaky breath, you frowned.

“Shouto, you don’t have to—“

“I know I don’t have to,” He said, his own face telling you that he didn’t expect the words to come out, “But I want to. You deserve to hear it, (Y/N),”

You looked down at your hands, nervously wringing them together as you fought a smile off of your face. Shyly, you peeked up at him, heat rushing to your face, “Well, if that’s the case, could you say it again?”

Pulling you by your legs, he tugged you onto his lap, eyes slightly watery and a warm smile on his lips as he pressed a kiss to your jaw, “I love you, I love you, I love you,”

You let out a laugh, a sound of pure elation. Capturing his lips with yours, you hoped that you could convey all of the emotions you were feeling at the moment. You felt his arms wrap themselves around your waist, squeezing you tight against him, as if you’d disappear if he’d let go. 

Pulling away, you brushed your hand against his cheek, feeling him nestle into your touch. When the dreamy look in his eyes returned, you giggled. “What brought this on?”

He shrugged his shoulders, his eyes brighter than they had ever been, “It’s been a long time coming, I just couldn’t say it before,”

“So,” He continued, turning his head to press a kiss to your palm, eliciting a quiet squeal from you, “Let me make up for all the times I couldn’t say ‘I love you,’ even though it’s the only thought that runs through my mind when I think of you,”

He continued to press soft kisses to you, starting with your forehead, moving to your eyelids, to your nose, your cheeks, and finally, to your lips. Every step of the way, he’d whisper quiet confessions of love for you, each one making your heart flutter. Though you told him that you didn’t mind, that you knew he loved you, it seemed as though he was on a mission to make sure that you felt loved, this time verbally. Once his kisses began to tickle, you laughed as you pulled away once more, bumping noses before staring into his eyes. What you weren’t expecting was for a tear to have slipped from his eyes. 

Wiping the tear away with your thumb, you frowned, “What’s with the tears?”

Letting out a light sigh, the kind that made you feel ten times lighter, Shouto shook his head, his hands now squeezing at your thighs, “It’s nothing, just—“

He cut himself off, pressing another kiss to your lips. This time, rather than the soft, playful ones you’d be receiving, it was tender, and made you feel as though you were on cloud nine.

“Thank you for loving me, even when I couldn’t. I’ll spend the rest of my days telling you just how much I love you.”

[kirishwima]

what quirks do the mysme characters have ?? would they go pro ?

this has been sitting in my inbox for so long and ive been wanting to answer it cuz i LOVE the crossover of bnha x mysme!!! so after long deliberation, here’s my lengthy, ranty answer-and if you wanna talk more about quirks or bnha p l e a s e hit me up im always happy to talk about this ;u;

YOOSUNG:

- I think what'd really fit him and be adorable af is if he could talk to animals, kind of like Koda!!

-He manifested his quirk earlier than most-at about 2-3 years old, and his parents found out after they found him crying because their house cat called him, and I quote, 'a bag of flesh and bones ready to eat'

-At first he didn't like his quirk much-something about seeing a cute chihuahua and rather than that high-pitched funny bark hearing 'i will MESS YOU UP' can be scarring to a kid

-Eventually he came to love it though! He found out it could be so useful when interacting with injured animals

-For this reason, rather than going pro, I think he'd become a vet once again!

ZEN:

-Do not even argue with me on this one baby boy would have a Siren quirk!

-Singing certain melodies can have different effects on people-one melody can lull them to sleep, others, more dangerous ones, can make them feel fear, anger, agression etc

-It took him a while to learn what melody and pitch of voice triggers each emotion, and for a while he was afraid to sing-his parents calling him a monster over it didn't help either :(

-Yet he insisted on using this power for good. He worked hard, memorised each melody and even created more complex ones, and would only use them if he had to!

-(I feel like he might also have some mild regeneration quirk maybe passed down from one parent cuz who said we can't have dual quirks? Not the Todorokis thats for sure)

-I feel like he'd be kind of like Hawks, in the sense that he's more of a celebrity than a hero; everyone knows of Zen the knight!

JAEHEE:

-ok at first I was writing a plot for a speed quirk but THEN i had this idea, you'll have to bear with me as I ramble through it: Jaehee has a matter manipulation quirk.

-Soph, what the heck is that, you ask? Well, here's the breakdown of it

-Jaehee can manipulate particles around her on a 4m radius. That means she can manipulate anything, change its shape, position etc-and with enough effort, eventually can also manipulate time IN this radius only.

-Think like matrix-style, bullets flying, but the moment they reach Jaehee, she manipulates them to slow down and they just casually graze by her as if nothing ever happened-ITS A BADASS QUIRK OK

-It's a little OP though, so as a drawback, she gets exhausted easily while using it, so it has quite the cooldown period.

-Despite the cool quirk, I don't think she'd want to go pro. All she ever wanted was to live her life quietly. But with a quirk like that, she's bound to get into crazy situations all the time.

-Now I want a fantasy-comedy show of powerful quirk-bearing Jaehee aaaa

JUMIN:

-I think he'd have a quirk like Shinso's! The moment you address him, he can, if he wills it, manipulate the person as he sees fit.

-But, unlike Shinso, Jumin can do one more thing with his quirk-Thought manipulation/Insertion. He can think of something, or simply voice it (for a stronger effect), and convince the other that this was their thought/idea

-i.e: Jumin, sitting across a potential company partner, smirking as he thinks to himself 'I want to sign that contract'.

-The partner, eyes wide while scanning through the document 'hm..yes, I want to sign this contract. Why didn't I want to earlier?!'

-He actually keeps his quirk a top secret, since the moment it manifested; no one would ever want to work with him face to face if they knew, now would they?

-Plus he's afraid deep down, afraid of people being scared of him.

-So he doesn't go pro; he keeps this quirk a secret, and god forbid anyone tries to find out about it.

SAEYOUNG/707/LUCIEL:

-Electric quirk!!! Electric quirk!

-Sae with little zaps coming out his fingertips grinning menacingly 🥰🥰🥰 id let him electrocute me

-Similar to Denki but minus the 'go dumb if overuse' thing; you're on my blog and we love angst and gore here, so here’s the catch:

-if he overuses his quirk, he starts to become vulnerable to it too. After all, it makes some sense-we have neurons firing signals in our bodies in similar fashion that electricity is conducted. Were you to touch a wire, not only is it very dangerous, the current MUST be conducted. So with electrical injuries-there’s always en ENTRY and EXIT wound, where the current came into and exited the body.

-So overusing his quirk can cause severe damage to himself, and is a reason why he’s riddled with scars-on his arms especially, but also legs (an often exit point for currents), back e.t.c.

-He found out about his quirk whilst protecting his brother. He…didn’t mean to use it. It terrified him. But it was a means of survival, and he was ready to use it no matter what.

-I really feel like someone form LoV would try to convince him to join them-and if they were to protect his brother too…he just might’ve.

-If we’re ignoring canon and going into a full BNHA universe, then I think Saeyoung would definitely go pro! He’d want to help people, and he’d be such an amazing hero, loved by so many people <3

V/JIHYUN:

-This is soo biased given that V’s my baby, but mmm, i really feel like he’d have a healing quirk, WITH a regeneration quirk mixed-this is my absoloute favorite quirk idea, and here’s why:

-How this quirk would work, is that he’d be able to take on any injury someone may have, big or small, so long as it’s not lethal-dead is dead after all. He can also heal significantly faster than average via self-regeneration, so he’s virtually overpowering, right?

-Well, here’s the catch:

-Anytime he takes on an injury or damage, he feels all of it-every single thing, and whilst the physical injury vanishes, the pain lingers, longer than it should. It does go away eventually, but taking on massive injuries is jarring and can scar him, physically and mentally.

-If we follow canon, after his eyes are hurt-his quirk deals with it, healing the tissue fast, yet he keeps injuring it himself, hating his quirk for the very first time.

-If we go full bnha AU, then he’d try to train his quirk as much as possible, and would go pro, but as a support hero, helping the injured after fights e.t.c.

SAERAN/RAY/UNKNOWN:

-Hmm, I’ve been thinking about this, and here’s what I’m thinking: I think Sae’s quirk would be bloodbending.

-Essentially he’d be able to use it in 2 forms; one is that he can use his own blood to form weapons, support items e.t.c (think blood swords….badass)

-The other form, is that he can bend the blood of others-anything with blood is doable, human or not, so long as there’s an injury, no matter how minor, for him to drag the blood out of. He can’t bend it whilst the skin is completely unpunctured, as cool as that would be, and he can only use it on one person per time.

-I think he’d hate his quirk at first-consider it hideous, monstrous e.t.c. He’d cry about it, his brother comforting him, reassuring him the only monsters out there are people judging him for a quirk he has no control over.

-If we go with canon: Rika DEFINITELY makes him use his quirk even when he doesn’t want to. He hates himself for it, spiraling depeer into her clutch.

-If we go fanon: He’d definitely be scouted by the LoV, but he’d never accept their offer. He instead wants to become a hero, and put his quirk to good use, to protect others. So I think Sae would go pro too!

[needs-to-stop-looking-at-valves]

tfp megan thee trons (im sSO SORRY) reaction to finding out his femme s/o is pregnant😘😘

It's funny, I used to not like the idea of pregnancy stuff, but this one honestly sounds cute. So, let's go!(plus I’ve actually done this in an rp in which blitzwing was his son- it was wild).

"For something that's apparently so great news, you're quite secretive about it."

"I just want to tell you correctly, don’t rush me!"

You huffed. He followed you anyway, despite his raised brow. Med bay. Odd place to celebrate something, but hey, there could be worse places. Knockout was standing there, talking to Breakdown about something, when they both turned, clearly excited.

"So, still didn't tell him the news?"

"Not yet, shh!"

Knockout rolled his optics.

"Alright, take a seat, my liege."

Megatron sat down, curious as to why Breakdown looked ready to just burst, while Megatron and Knockout looked mildly amused at best.

"I'm seated. What is it that's so important?"

Knockout handed him a picture, courtesy of his data pad. Megatronus raised a brow, clearly not understanding. She thought he understood for a moment, before he shrugged.

"I...fail to understand what I'm looking at here."

Knockout and Breakdown looked at each other, before Knockout sighed.

"I'll let Breakdown handle this. BD, floor is all yours."

Breakdown grinned, before motioning to his bride.

"You're going to be a sire! She's carrying!"

Megatron blinked. He looked at the picture again, then at her, then back and forth a couple more times.

"Are...are you certain? If this is some joke she put you up to, I-"

"No, we're quite serious, I assure you. I may not be the most honor bound con on this vessel, but lying about a patient's results isn't exactly my crudité. You’re an official dilf now, big M."

Megatron was too perplexed to ask what a 'dilf' was, but that didn’t matter. He looked over at his bride, who seemed to be just absolutely glowing.

"I'm….I'm a sire?"

There was a flurry of emotions. Fear, worry, surprise, but nothing held a light to the feeling of pride. Any gladiator bearing offspring was considered a blessing, and the fact that it was with his bride (vs some buyfem), only made him feel more honored. His body acted before he could catch it, and he swooped in, holding them in his arms.

"A sparkling! You're going to have a sparkling! He's going to be a strong, fierce member of my kin-"

"Or fem. Too early to tell just yet."

"Fem, mech, who CARES?! They're going to be beautiful and mighty and GLORIOUS!"

Megatron laughed, nearly spinning you around in his excitement. He finally put you down, before placing his servos on your chest. Unlike humans, sparklings grew by the spark, meaning a carrier's CHEST grew, rather than belly.

"They're….in there. In there, and growing."

He cupped your chest, as if in astonishment.

"This...is worth everything. I promise, I shall care for you till my days end."

There was a moment of comforting silence, before Knockout chuckled.

"This is too tender for me, so let me point out that everyone in this room is staring at your brides bust."

[cosmosrival]

Any NSFW KamaxMaster hcs, Riri? Bless us with your knowledge!

HMMMMMM..... I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR A LITTLE BIT and i don’t know if it’d count as master*servant ship headcanons but... TAKE EM!!

also jus to make sure and to get p*dos off my blog for good: these are milf/dilf kama headcanons ONLY !!! final ascension!!!!! my content aint for weirdos!!!

ok lets go!!!

kama as a lover would be... very interesting to say the least, bc since they’re the god of love, you’d expect them to play the part !!! but their kind of loving isn’t the romantic type. They’re the god of Carnal love so despite knowing everything there is to know about lust, i believe that they’d be genuinely embarrassed when talking about vanilla stuff and very very soft and tame topics. they’ll tell u about every single position u guys could do and if ure a beginner they’ll be more than happy to teach u everything they know! But ! going on dates and holding hands???? (kama voice) THATS CRINGE DUDE!!!!! GO ASK PARVATI HOW ABOUT THAT????? but they’ll come. they’ll have a bit of a breakdown if u hold their hand but they’ll be there. and they’ll be there on time

AND I THINK THAT THIS IS WHAT MAKES THEM CUTE !!!!! 

i headcanon kama as being a vers !!! but they top by default ! hell, i don’t see them being a pillow princess type, even when they’ll let you dominate them they’ll just be powerbottoming and praising you, i think they can’t hold back on being talkative during the act!! BUT THEY CAN ALSO VERY EASILY ADAPT TO THE PERSON THEY’RE WITH, so if you’re more of a beginner/shy/passive, they’ll be the one coming onto you in this... lazy way, gently Ordering you to show them more (oh yeah they’re very well aware that youre the master here but whats a master to a god? ha), reasurring you that it’ll be fine and that if you’d rather keep the lights off, you guys can do that. their hair glows and their limbs are constantly burning anyway so they’ll find you in the dark no problem. though if you’re more dominant/aggressive/comfortable then they’ll see you as a challenge, even a rival to be quite honest. they know for SURE that you’ll never be better than them, but might as well crush your hopes before they get too high ya know? so even if you have them pinned down they’ll just taunt you, ask if this is all that you’ve got. ask if you can hold on for a few more rounds. ego bruising is part of being horny !!!!!! so you better be ready !!!

kama’s buttons are overall easy to push i think, because if you choose to come onto them with vanilla little touches, cute smiles and cuddles, they won’t know how to react. THEY’RE EASY TO TEASE ONCE U’VE BROKEN PAST THIS... Strong Lusty Exterior, especially if you compliment them on anything else but their skills in bed. call em cute when they’re angry. this one is an instant kill because they’ll just... be stuck. if they get mad you’ll call them cute again. and if they don’t get mad then it’s your win. STUCK !!! and their face is RED 

hmmmm....... i think masc kama’s cum is galaxy liquid. its just regular old cum and tastes like it but it just has star/milky way patterns in it. yeah. dont ask me about this one. just take it.

i’ve also been thinking about masc kama having an apadravya piercing... even if kama themself does not have a link to the kamasutra since it’s a book about human pleasure, in chaldea they’re much closer to having the condition of a “human” since they’ve become a “pseudo-servant” (they also have a demon inside em aha! though they’re obviously still a God and should be treated as such) so despite knowing everything that’s said in the book, they’d love to boast about it. ITS NOT THEIRS BUT THEY LOVE ACTING LIKE IT IS!!! CAREFUL WHEN GOOGLING THAT PIERCING NAME THO !!! ITS A COCK PIERCING OOOPPPSSSS!!!!! tho of course, since they don’t technically have a body, they can remove this jewelry at will to satisfy you however u wish !!

my fem lean kama piercing headcanons are right here !!! same headcanon as above, they can remove em/make em disappear since they can shapeshift at will !! 

i don’t see them as the type to dress up.... first because it’s a little annoying and if their emotions go haywire the cloth might burn... but they can definitely see the appeal. their “body” is already perfect so if you have a kink for something in particular they’ll provide and make sure to hide the best parts so you’ll have to imagine the rest. (or take em off...? ;)

OH BUT YOU ? THEY’LL LOVE TO DRESS YOU UP especially if they’re topping. it’s all part of their sadistic little humiliation game so make sure to accept all of their love okay?

their relationship with masters can vary, since we’re all different aint we. Aha. but one thing will stay the same and it’s the fact that kama trusts you to teach them about soft romance. in their dialogs and bio, it says that they can’t stand dummy couples but i believe that it’s because they genuinely crave it more than anyone. (especially since Rati doesn’t seem to exist in the fgo timeline :( ) being your most favourite sex friend? they can do that. being your sole lover?? UH..... (SWEATS)

what else does ree have..... OH YEAH !! i believe that kama is overall extremely kinky and it’s hard to surprise them. but since they’re so lavish, quite elegant and have this... aura of luxury to them, i think that the Gross Kinks(u know the ones. Real bad stuff i wont mention here) are an absolute no on their list. being the god of carnal love is one thing but they have standards!!!! no i will not come back on this headcanon and if ppl try to debunk it, stay away from me blog !!

i like to think that they genuinely adore porn sites and see it all as a tribute for themself. once again, they stay off gross shit but the vanilla tag? THEY CANT CLICK IT. ITS TOO EMBARRASSING TO CLICK. help them out.... ;) (opportunity to tease +1)

they’re very good at giving massages but i think they’d prefer receiving them most of the time !! though, if you’re into them and they’re blowing ur back out/riding u, they’ll make em feel extra special just for you

i don’t know if they’d have a favourite position... they’re very versatile, so they’ll go along with your preferences

they’re very open about following what you’d like to do since they’re already good at everything!!!!! u pick !!! then they’ll dive in and eat you out/suck u off right there

they’re a big spoon by default. yep. BUT BEING THE LITTLE SPOON MAKES THEM VERY SHY AND EMBARRASSED AND ITS CUTE coax them into being a little spoon sometimes Please

i think that they’d consider everything remotely sexual a way of worshipping them, so they’ll gladly watch u masturbate even if they don’t have to actively participate

ITS HOT AS HELL DUDE... TAKE UR CLOTHES OFF

i picture them constantly wearing this... lazy, arrogant smile, especially if you’re topping. think you’re that good, huh ?

though it vanishes very quickly if you start treating them gently. tomato ! ONCE AGAIN: EASY BUTTONS TO PUSH !!!! 

they’d find toys very funny and practical. so they’re not above using those on you and they’re also into you using it on them. THEIR RANGE IS WIDE AND THEY’RE EAGER TO EXPLORE i love them so much theyre such a dreamboat

OH THIS GOT LONG SO IM GONNA STOP THERE BUT IF U MADE IT ALL THE WAY DOWN: THANK U FOR READING MY BRAINROT!!!

[adrenaline-roulette]

Four Eighths

Pairing: Four x Eight (Reader)  Word count: 7k+ Warnings: Language, angst, minor original character death, grief, mentions of illness and treatments, stress, breakdown, drinking, drunk, stealing, Four is redeemed! *Disclaimer, here we are, the first briefing  for who the Ghosts new target will be! This chapter is dark, I’ll warn you now, and I would dare say the next few chapters will be angsty too! Though if you’re all very well behaved, then maybe we’ll start getting some fluff and maybe a bit extra going on between Four and Eight.... Read Chapters One, Two, Three and Four first (Or don’t? I can’t make you do anything, after all I’m just text...) 

Chapter Five: I need a Doctor

“I am the fairy king! Bow to me or you shall die!”

You stare up at the shouting blonde stood atop One’s trailer, the fairy lights you had purchased weeks earlier were now coiled around his body, now no longer producing the beautiful glow they once had. Up until a few minutes ago, the lights had been plugged in and twinkling away merrily, that was until Four had somehow gotten himself tangled up in them. He then decided that the shining bulbs suited his alter ego of ‘Fairy King’ quite nicely and had proceeded to race around base with them on, only pausing for a few moments when he realised, they no longer lit up.

The rest of the team were either asleep, or trying to sleep, you knew for a fact that One was in the latter category, as he had screamed at the top of his lungs “Stop fucking tap dancing on my roof!�� The moment Four had begun parading around on the trailer.

You want to tell him to stop, but considering you were the reason he was so highly intoxicated right now, and that you were only one or two drinks away from being on his level of drunk, you find that it really isn’t your place to tell him off. “Oh, powerful fairy king!” You call out, lowering your torso in a sloppy bow, keeping your head tilted up so you can watch Four closely. He was teetering on falling over, which if it weren’t for how close he currently was to the edge of the trailer, then you wouldn’t think anything of it. “Your majesty, perhaps we should move this conversation to more sturdy ground?”

Four wobbles on unsteady legs, his face growing pale as he backs away from the edge of the trailer. For someone who spent most of his time jumping from skyscraper to skyscraper, it was rather comical to see him afraid of what would only be a short drop. “That is an excellent idea my loyal subject, now help me down please!”

You’re not exactly sure how you’re supposed to help Four down, but it likely shouldn’t have gone this way. Skipping over to the bus, a half bottle of Jack Daniel’s sloshing away in your hand, you pause just beneath Four, waving up at him with a cheesy grin, before extending your arms in front of you, with the plan of catching him. Without even so much as a pause, Four leaps off the trailer and into your waiting arms. Anyone who wasn’t currently shitfaced would’ve seen that this was a terrible plan, and that it wouldn’t end the way you both expected. However, being shitfaced as you were, it took you more than a few seconds to comprehend what had happened. One moment you were standing upright, and the next, your entire body had been slammed into the ground bellow, a heavy weight pressing against your front. “Ugh, fuck…” You groan, blinking bleary eyes down at the mass that was slowly crushing you.

Four looks up at you, a lopsided grin brightening up his entire face. “ ‘As anyone ever told you that you’re very comfortable?” He mumbles, speech slurred and slow.

“Can’t say that they have.”

“Well, you are.”

Four lowers his head down, cheek resting against your chest as his eyes flutter closed. You want to protest; this man was five foot eight and made of pure muscle! Yet your aching body began to relax, as you heard tiny snores escape the Brit. As you allowed yourself to drift off, ignoring how you were sleeping on the ground, your mind started to wonder. ‘How had this man, who you had shared no more than five consecutive words with at one time, gone from being the person you avoided at all costs, and now to the person you got piss drunk with, and allowed to fall asleep on you?’

*****

“Briefing room, five minutes!” Seven called behind your closed trailer door, not bothering to knock, knowing full well his voice could be heard clearly through the thin metal that was your trailer. You’d just finished your morning routine of; wake up, drink coffee, go for a run, drink more coffee while you updated yourself on the happenings of the world on your laptop, eat breakfast, have a ten minute internal battle over whether you should go back to bed or not, in that time drink a third cup of coffee, ignore Five’s suggestion of perhaps not ingesting so much caffeine, shower, then return to your trailer while your hair dried and go through the building blueprints One had sent you.

Slowly, you stood up from your bed, stretching your arms above your head after having sat hunched over for too long. You close your laptop, then set about searching for a sweater to throw on over the top of your shirt. Outside, the base was stifling hot, yet for some reason, the briefing room was perpetually freezing. One always insisted on turning on every single fan in the shipping container, and it was just too much! After the third team meeting there, you had vowed never to return without a sweater. Finally, you found the one you were looking for, dark gray with a red #mood splattered across the chest. The sweater itself was perhaps one or two sizes too large, but it was warm and snuggly.

You made your way towards the briefing room, slipping the sweater over your head when you were halfway there. As you pull the material down your torso, you fail to realise that you’d put the garment on backwards, coming to an abrupt halt when you notice that the hood was over your head, completely obscuring your face. Behind you, Four silently leaps from the roof of a shipping container, walking up behind you as you struggle to readjust the sweater. “Oh yeah, you should wear all your clothes like that. Prove to everyone that you’re as stupid as your role in the team is.” He snarls, pushing past you, knocking his side against your shoulder.

You can feel your eyes roll, trailing behind Four as you both head towards the meeting “You know, at first it was kinda intimidating, the whole, ‘you don’t belong here’ schtick. But really, now it’s just sad. You don’t have to feel threatened by me, Luke never felt threatened when he discovered Leia could use the force too! As a Skywalker, you should know better than to allow your emotions to cloud your judgement.” There’s a grin clawing at your lips, which you no longer bother to hide, picking up speed and walking past the scowling blonde. If you had looked back you would’ve seen Four raise his eyebrows in surprise, not having expected you to talk back. Quietly, he was actually rather impressed that you had, even if in doing so you had continued with the Star Wars trend.

*****

“Doctor Genevieve Lushnick, for twenty years she has worked as a general practitioner in a family owned GP clinic, and if she has it her way, will continue doing so until retirement. However, over time, her remedies have become more extreme. She stopped prescribing antibiotics to help fight infections, and instead would recommend her patients undergo unnecessary surgeries.” One begins, displaying images of the Doctor on the screen at the front of the room. Just the sound of her name makes you sick to your stomach, a sweat breaking out on your forehead, though no one seems to notice.

“This is Doctor Gregory Lushnick, Genevieve’s husband. He, is the surgeon who has been performing the procedures, along with a well-paid, and unethical team of doctors and nurses. Genevieve will suggest the surgery, telling the patient that it is a matter of life and death, she will then refer them on to Gregory, who will of course agree with her course of action. The patient, who at this point has been warned if they aren’t operated on soon, they will die, will pay an exuberant fee, any amount the Lushnick’s request, which they then pocket for themselves.”

Three lifts his brows at the information they had all been presented with. “How have they gotten away with this? Surely they’ve had patients who know at least a little bit about general health, who know if a procedure they’ve been recommended is necessary or not?”

One nods, folding his arms across his chest while gazing out over his team, all with an equal expression of shock and disgust. Except for you, who looks on the verge of tears. “That actually happened a few times. A Doctor went and visited Genevieve after hearing about the outrageous number of procedures she had recommended. He went in complaining of an ingrown toenail that had become infected, which he did in fact have at the time, but was treating it himself. Genevieve took one look at it, and informed him that the infection was too far gone, and if they didn’t remove his toe urgently, the infection would likely spread, and perhaps enter his blood stream. He asked for some further testing to ensure Genevieve was correct, to which she obliged, and sent him to pathology to have blood taken.”

“Yeah, but if he got blood tests then that’s it right? Game over? The tests would prove that there’s nothing wrong with ‘im.” Four interjects, leaning his hip against the edge of the table everyone was stood around, taking care to watch you from his peripherals.

“In a normal situation, then yes, you’d be correct. But this isn’t normal, nothing about the Lushnick’s is normal. The test results came back in, and of course, they read perfectly, no deadly infection obviously. But the convenient thing about living in the modern age we do, is that all test results are sent through electronically. All Genevieve had to do, was edit the results, and suddenly, her patient was suffering any ailment she wished! When she presented the results to him, and he played along, saying he would organise the procedure shortly. Instead, he went to the Minister of Health, and presented his findings. The Lushnick’s found out who he was, and what was happening and fled the country. No one knows where they went, so they escaped punishment.”

“Alright, so they fucked off somewhere else, but they’re not hurting anyone, anymore right? So how does this affect us?” Seven shrugged, One’s eyes boring into his.

“I know exactly where the Lushnick’s are. They’ve been performing their surgeries in secret for a few years now, but they’ve moved on to more desperate patients, and are providing more extreme remedies. Rather than patients finding her, Genevieve is seeking out her own patients, the one’s who are unable to afford a visit to the Doctor’s surgery. She’ll play nice, offer them a free consult to ensure they’re all healthy, then she’ll drop the health bomb on them. These people are so afraid, that they will believe anything Genevieve tells them, and will do anything to get the money needed for their life saving surgery.”

Your hand grips the back of a chair, while your other presses flat against the wall nearest you. Your head is swimming, memories flooding back to you in a tidal wave. Heart racing so fast you think it’s about to explode, all the while sweat drips from your skin. No one notices, no one cares. They all have questions that need answering.

Four notices though, how could he not? For weeks now, he had done nothing but watch you closely, always checking to make sure you were safe, and not putting yourself in any unnecessary danger. If you were going to stay with the team, and it looked as if you were, then he would keep an eye on you from a distance. He may not be your friend, but that didn’t mean he cared any less, not really.

“What kind of surgeries are they doing now?” Five asks, her hands resting on her hips.

“Similar to what they used to suggest, only now more extreme because they have a more desperate clientele. From what I could find, the most chilling was what she and Greg did to a fifteen year old boy. He was complaining of shortness of breath, and if he had been seen by any other Doctor, he would’ve been diagnosed with mild asthma, and given an inhaler to use. But Genevieve instead informed him and his father that he had a potentially life-threatening lung infection.” One pauses, a frown creasing his features as he looks over at you, your skin having grown pale and your eyes unfocused, you looked about ready to collapse. He pulls he gaze away for a moment to finish, though his eyes continue to dart back over to you. “The boy underwent surgery to have an entire lung removed. His father paid nearly twenty thousand for his son to have the surgery. Two weeks after the procedure, the boy died.”

A chocked sob rips from your lips, causing everyone to focus on you, six pairs of eyes staring you down. They all either thought you were crazy, or just overly emotional over the death of a kid you didn’t know. How could they know the truth, it’s not as if you had ever told anyone? “Eight? Are you alright?” Five asks slowly, reaching a hand towards you just as you step backwards.

“Hey, sit down for a second kid…” Three offers, gesturing to the chair you had just released from your vice like grip.

“It’s the sweater, she’s probably just over heated.” Four shrugs, though even with his air of indifference, his eyes are clouded with worry.

Another sob followed by your nose sniffling. Were you crying? When had that started? You bring one hand up to your face, your fingers shaking the entire time, until they press against your cheeks, only to pull away a second later damp with tears. Lips are moving, but you don’t hear any of the words that are spoken, there’s a ringing in your ears which is too loud to ignore, and it drowns out everything other than your internal voice. The expressions the Ghosts wore changed from that of curiosity and caution, to full blown panic now as it dawned on them, that you truly weren’t alright. Just as One walks over to you, you spin on your heel, racing away from him and the team. You’re vaguely aware of people calling out after you, but you don’t turn back.

You throw yourself into the gray McLaren which had unofficially become your car, after the driving display you had given a few weeks ago. The engine revs as you try to clear your mind enough to decide on where you were going. Should you be driving in the state you were now? Probably not. Were you going to anyway? Definitely. Were you more than willing to run over Four who now stood between you and the exit you wanted to take? Without a doubt. Pressing the tab on the door, the window lowers at what felt like a comically slow rate.

Four had sprinted after you the moment you left, and was now trying to decide what his next move should be. Behind the car, he could see the others grouped together, all unsure of what to do, just like him. “Either get in the fucking car or move. You have ten seconds or I’m driving through you!” You bark out of the window, providing him with the motivation required for him to spring into action.

The passenger door slams shut, with Four diving in just milliseconds before you slam on the gas, the car fishtailing for a moment, before flying through base. Four stares dead ahead, his mouth slightly agape, while you glare at the road, hands gripping the steering wheel so tight your knuckles had turned white. When you had given Four his options just before, you had never expected him to pick the first, and from the looks of things, neither had he.

 Silence fills the speeding car for twenty odd minutes, your eyes locked on the road ahead, while Four was staring out the passenger window, his elbow propped up on the centre console,  while his other hand was resting with his fingers pressed to his lips. You felt as if you were being strangled in the silence, but neither of you were prepared to break it, both too stubborn to admit defeat, and voice your curiosity. Reaching one hand out, your hover above the power button for the stereo, taking your eyes off the road for just a second.

Oh, how things can change in one second.

The car had been travelling in an undisturbed straight line down the freeway, though all of that changed in a heartbeat. With your eyes focused elsewhere, you never saw the massive pothole looming ever closer to the McLaren. Just as you look back at the road, your eyes fall to the dip in the road, something that you should’ve avoided at all costs. Your barely functioning brain kicks in at the last minute, and just as one of your front tyre’s dips into the pothole, you spin the steering wheel, attempting to keep your remaining tyres from hitting the hole too. It was too little too late however, and instead of avoiding the pothole, the car spins out, flying off the edge of the road and skidding along the red dirt uncontrollably.  Your shriek is the first sound to pierce the silence the entire drive, and it seems to be what snapped Four out of his shock.

Four reaches out, taking the wheel in one hand, attempting to straighten out the cars path, while his other hand wraps around the handbrake, pulling it up with all his might. The McLaren spins for another few seconds, until coming to a halt, a cloud of dust having been kicked up by the erratic tyres. “Jesus Christ Eight! What the fuck was that about?”

You can’t answer him, your words are choked in your throat, and refuse to budge. You unclip your seatbelt and bolt out of the car, leaving the keys in the ignition as you sprint away from both the car and Four. Why was he here? Out of everyone that could’ve blocked your path and jumped into the car, why did it have to be fucking Four? He didn’t give a shit what was going on with you on a regular day to day basis, so why the hell would he care about this?

Where were you even running to? You were in the middle of nowhere, and all that was around you was desert and the highway. There was nowhere for you to run to. As this realisation hits you, you stop dead in your tracks. Heart pounding in your chest. Clenching your fists at your sides, your drop to your knees in the middle of the desert, titling your head back, and screaming gutturally towards the sky, as fresh tears flow freely down your cheeks now.

*****

Four had never seen someone lose control as you were doing now, he’d seen his fair share of people in pain, screaming and crying over the death of a loved one or because they were in pain. But this, it felt different to him. Watching you collapse to your knees, he felt his chest tighten, and his own breath hitched in his throat. Your scream rumbled through his entire body, and echoed around the empty sky, there was nothing around for miles that would block your screams. He didn’t know what else to do, so he grabbed the keys, pocketed them before jogging over to you.

“Hey… Hey, it’s okay – You’re gonna be okay.” He whispers, kneeling beside you now, wrapping his arms around your shaking torso. He was sure that if it weren’t for the vulnerable position you found yourself in, that you would never return his embrace as you now were. But you did, your arms circling around his neck, as you pressed your face against his shoulder.

“Any other target… It could’ve been anyone else.” You cry out, hot tears splashing against his thin t-shirt. Four tightens his grip around you, slowly lowering himself into a sitting position, and guiding you down with him. You follow him down, and he half expects you to break out of your emotions when he settles you against his lap, though that never happens.

He rubs soothing circles against your back, listening for the sounds of your cries to ease, before he finally asks. “What d’you mean Eight? What’s wrong with the target?”

You shake your head, pressing further into his shoulder, as another body shaking sob overtakes you. Your mind is swimming in horrifying memories, and all you want to do is to claw them out of your brain. You want to forget; you need to forget. “Eight, look at me… Talk to me.”

Four rests his hands on both of your shoulders,  gently guiding you away from him so he could look you in the eyes red rimmed and now puffy, though your tears had slowed at the very least. “Hey – Hi…”

*****

You blink across at Four, sniffling as you attempt to clear your thoughts. Why did he suddenly care what was wrong with you? For weeks now, he barely spoke a word to you, when he did, it was always something snarky or sarcastic. There was never any care for your wellbeing, so where had this all come from? “Hullo… I’m sorry. Please, just forget about that. I’m sorry.”

You move to pull away from Four, but his large hands on your shoulders tighten their grip, and you honestly just don’t have the energy to fight against him. “I’m not going to forget about this. Talk to me Eight, what happened back there?”

“What happened? I lost control of the car, it spun out. Happens to the best of us.” You shrug, opting to play dumb for a little while, just to see how far you would get with doing so.

There’s a fierce glare that settles over Four’s eyes, and you can feel a physical chill run down your spine at the intensity of his gaze.

“Don’t. Don’t you dare do that.”

“Do what?”

“Pretend to be stupid. We both know you’re the furthest from stupid a person could possibly get.” Four breathes out deeply, closing his eyes for a moment, before opening them and reconnecting his sight with yours.

You’re not sure which is more likely to occur first, your heart stopping entirely or for it to literally explode under the amount of stress you’re experiencing right now. “It’s the Lushnick’s. I – I know them. Or at least, I did know them.”

Four stills his movements, where he had been drawing tiny patterns against your shoulders, he no longer seems able to do even that. “What do you mean you know the Lushnick’s?” His voice comes out strangled, and if you didn’t know any better, you would think he was worried about you.

“Doctor Genevieve, the clinic she worked in was local to my family when I was little. When I was around five, I had a babysitter, Kellie, she would look after me every afternoon after school, and some weekends. She would’ve been around seventeen, and at the time was my best friend. I didn’t get along with the kids in my class, so I turned to Kellie, she was always there for me, and I loved her like a sister.” There, that was the easy part to talk about. You could just leave the story there, but really, you know you couldn’t do that. You had given away too much to stop now. “Every afternoon, she would walk me home from school. On the walk, we would pass by the clinic where Doctor Lushnick worked. One afternoon, when we were heading home, Kellie started to feel dizzy, I remember she was struggling to walk, and I was worried. I left her on a bench, and ran to the Doctor’s clinic. The receptionist grabbed the first doctor she could find, Genevieve, and we all ran to Kellie to help her.”

“Fuck Eight, I’m sorry –“

You cut Four off before he can say anymore. “Let me finish. There’s more to tell, and I can’t stop now.” You pause for a moment, waiting to see if he had anything else to say, but clearly he thought better than to speak up again. “Doctor Lushnick performed heaps of tests, I remember she kept sending Kellie for more and more blood tests, x-rays and ultrasounds. Always telling her and her family that the results had come back inconclusive. It must’ve been around two weeks, until Kellie was given her diagnosis. Heart failure. I don’t remember much of what happened after that, there was a lot of adult conversations had that I wasn’t made a part of. What I do know though, is that Genevieve sent Kellie to have a heart transplant. Kellie was terrified, I can still hear her crying, begging her parents not to make her go through with the surgery. Her parents didn’t want her to have it done either, but Genevieve and Gregory made it sound as if it were her only option. They told Kellie and her parents that without the surgery, she would die.”

Tears had returned to your eyes now, and Four pulled you subtly closer to him, not enough so you were embraced as you were before, but enough that you could feel his warmth soaking into you, and hear his steady heartbeat. “Kellie had the surgery, and was recovering relatively well.  She was in the hospital still so the nurses could keep an eye on her while she healed. After school one day, I lied and told my parents I was going to a friend’s house, and that no one needed to pick me up until later. Instead I went to the hospital to visit Kellie. I had gone to see her twice after the surgery, and both times she had seemed alright, at least in my eyes she did. This third time though, when I got to her room, everything was different. She was pale and sweating, her chest heaving as she gasped for breath. There was no one else in the room for me to get, so I pressed the call button from the side of her bed, and in came running nurses and doctors.  No one really explained to me what had happened that day until I was older. And it wasn’t until I was much older, did I realise truly what had happened, and with the information One gave us today, I knew for sure. Kellie was never supposed to have had that surgery, her body underwent unnecessary trauma, which it couldn’t heal from. Doctor Genevieve and Gregory Lushnick murdered my best friend.”

Suddenly, you were pressed against Four’s chest, as your felt tears stream over your cheeks. He held you firmly, his warm embrace was one of comfort and peace, two things you had never associated with the man. “When One was telling us about what they had done to others, I just couldn’t stop the memories from coming back, everything I felt back then, it all came rushing back to me.”

“It’s alright, fuck Eight. I’m sorry, I am so sorry. I wish there was more I could say..”

You gulp, before looking up at him, your eyes scanning over his handsomely chiselled face for the very first time. In the time you had been with the team, not once had you had the opportunity to look at Four up close, and of course this would be your first chance. While sitting on his lap, crying your heart out, as you both grew more covered in dust. “Promise me we’ll make them pay. Promise me that we’ll get them both, and that they won’t get away.”

Four allows a deep breath to flow from his parted lips, the lines on his forehead smoothing as he takes in your words. “I promise you, they won’t make it through this alive.”

*****

Allowing Four to drive you both back to base had likely been one of the best decisions you had made in a long time. Despite the panic and anger which had clouded you before, now faded to a dull shadow, you were still shaky, and your concentration was easily lost. Four driving truly was the safest option, if you both wanted to arrive home in one piece. “Can we stop in town?”

Four glances at you for a moment, retracting his hand which was resting on your knee. The entire drive, you would find Four resting his hand somewhere on your leg. To you, it was grounding and comforting, serving to remind you that you weren’t alone. It let you know that someone else on the team understood your connection to the targets. For Four however, you weren’t sure if he was doing it out of habit, or for comfort too. “Sure, what do you need?”

Turning to look at his side glance, you allow a tiny smile to tug at the corners of your lips. “I desperately need a drink. You’re welcome to join me if you’d like, but I’m sure you’d rather forget that this all happened.” You shrug softly, before turning to look back out of the passenger window.

Four’s eyes grow wide at your comment, and he finds himself at a loss for words. “I- You- What?”

Pressing your forehead against the window, you take a deep breath in, before blowing out through your mouth, fogging the glass up in the process. “I appreciate you following me out here today, I really do. But, let’s be honest, we’re not friends. You hate me. You’ve made that perfectly clear since the day I arrived. So, while I’m happy to extend the invitation of getting piss drunk with me, I’m not expecting you to accept.”

“I don’t.”

“You don’t what?”

“Hate you… I’m sca – Way too sober to have this conversation right now. But put it this way, I don’t hate you.”

Four focuses back on the road, while his words swirl through your mind. ‘Scared? Was he about to say he was scared? Scared of what though? He always seemed so grounded, almost as if nothing could touch him, let alone hurt him…’ On the drive away from base, you hadn’t paid any attention to where you were headed, not really. All you knew at the time, was that you needed to get as far away from everyone as was humanly possible. Which is why it came as a surprise to you when Four pulled into a small town, not the one you had visited with Two and Five a few weeks ago, but an entirely different one which you had never known to exist. “There’s a liquor store just up that side street there.” Four observes, while pointing to the left of the town, where sure enough, there was an opening in the path for the side street.

You nod, climbing out of the car, just as Four lowers his window and the passenger side window. “I’ll be back in a few. Want anything?”

Four shakes his, carding his fingers through is windswept curls. “Thanks, I’m good.” It’s said with such a firm edge to the words, that you know the conversation is over, before it really began.

As you walk down the street, you look back over your shoulder at Four and the McLaren. His wrists are wresting on top of the steering wheel, as he picks at his nails, clearing them of the dirt that had gathered there from earlier. Music was pumping through the speakers, and you could see the car shaking with the intensity of the bass Turning the corner, the liquor store comes into view, a small bell chiming as the door pushes open. A man, likely in his forties or fifties is stood near the cooler section, collapsing empty beer boxes.  Looking at the few shelves that lined the wall nearest the register, you feel a lump rise in your throat. In your haste to leave base, you hadn’t brought anything with you,  no phone, no wallet, no money!

“Can I help you with anything?” The man calls from the opposite side of the store, eyeing you suspiciously.

“Just looking thank you!”

The man squints at you, his eyebrows furrowed. “Hope you’ve got some ID kid…. You don’t look old enough to be buying anything from here…”

Your jaw drops at his words, a scowl marching across your features. How dare he question your age, suggesting you weren’t old enough to drink! You had never been ID’d before now, and now that you were not only dead, and still waiting on One to present you with your fake ID’s. But you didn’t even have your bloody wallet with you, where said fake would be kept, this was the time, of all times where the world decided to turn against you and start questioning your age? “Of course I have ID with me.”

The man watches you for another moment, as if assessing whether he could trust you or not. With a final huff, he bends over and picks up a box of beers, pushing the cooler door open and heading inside to restock the fridge shelves, clearly having decided you were trustworthy. Oh buddy, wrong decision.

Maybe it was because of the shithouse afternoon you had just experienced, or maybe it was because you were sick and tired of people making assumptions about you. No matter the why’s, you found yourself snatching bottles of Jack Daniel’s, Malibu, and salted caramel vodka. Without a second thought, you cradled them against your chest, then bolted for the front door.

“Get back here you thief!” The man screams after you, having re-emerged from the fridge just as the door swung closed behind you.

This was wrong, so fucking wrong! It was one thing to steal money from a stranger’s bank account (Granted that stranger then went on to fake your death, and now was your employer…) Or to work from afar and have people do the dirty work, while you reaped the benefits, they did the snatching and grabbing, you just made sure they didn’t get caught. But this? This was you stealing, with no one else there! This was all you!

Your feet pound against the pavement, the McLaren coming into view just as the store clerk sprints after you. “Open the fucking door Four!” You shriek from the top of your lungs, praying to any deity who may listen that he will hear you over the pumping music.

Despite your thieving tendencies, someone answers your prayer, and Four looks up and over to you through the open passenger window, his eyebrows shooting up into his hair line as he spots you sprinting at full speed towards him, three bottles clutched in your arms, as a pissed man follows close behind. He leans across the centre console, pushing the door open before returning to his seat fully and twisting the key in the ignition. With the sound of the door slamming shut behind you, he throws the car into reverse, getting you both the hell out of town! “What the actual fuck Eight? What did you do?”

You stare down at the three bottles, now laying by your feet, rocking back and forth as the car moves. Laughter bubbles from your chest, and you can’t help the burst of chuckles that rip through you. “I didn’t have any money…”

For a brief moment, you could’ve sworn you saw Four grin, though the look is soon replaced by a sigh. “And you didn’t think to come and ask me if I had any?”

“Do you have money on you?”

“No… But that’s not the point! Your first instinct was to steal what you wanted!”

“Are you seriously telling me off for stealing? Sorry, last I heard, One met you after a robbery gone wrong.”

Four’s grip on the wheel tightens for a few moments, before his knuckles relax somewhat, tension visibly leaving his shoulders. “Now we’ve gotta find a new liquor store.”

*****

Walking through base, you felt everyone’s eyes on you, all boring down on you, as if thinking if they stared long enough then they would understand what had happened to you. There’s a part of you that wants to explain yourself, and to reassure the team that you are in fact, not insane as they may now think. However, before you even have the chance to consider explaining yourself, Four is dragging you by the hand towards your trailer. “If anyone needs us, don’t. Just don’t fucking need us!” He calls out behind you, gripping the bottle of Malibu with such intensity your genuinely worried he might smash the glass.

Four’s warning seemed to have worked, at least for the time being, and you watched as the Ghosts all shuffled away, back to whatever they had been doing before your arrival. One stays out for a few moments longer, arms folded across his chest, and both eyebrows raised in confusion. You can see the questions he’s dying to ask dancing across his eyes, mixed with a look of what could only be described as, understanding. You don’t take the time to dwell on One, as you’re far too preoccupied with Four who had swung your trailer door open, and was pushing you inside and up the steps, his hands pushing against your lower back to keep you moving.

Four followed you up, placing the Malibu on the small table opposite your bed, while you plonked down on the bed, the bottles of Jack and vodka falling to the foot of your mattress. “Right, you stay here as long as you need to. Drink, get smashed, scream, cry. Whatever you wanna do.” His broad shoulders shrug, as he turns away from you, and steps back towards the door, resting both hands in his front pants pockets.

Quickly, you twist off the cap of the vodka, the strong scent of salted caramel filling the air. “The offer still stands. Only this time, I’d like you to join me…”

Four turns on the spot, looking back at you in surprise. “You sure?”

“Yes, I – I want you here with me please.”

There’s no need to ask him a second time, though you would’ve if necessary. Four reaches out and takes the vodka from your outstretched hand, bringing it to his lips and taking a deep swig. Just as you do the same with the Jack. “Cheers to your first mission briefing.” He chuckles, his crystalline eyes sparkling in joy.

You roll your eyes up at him, as you move further back on the bed, leaning your back against the wall. “Let’s try not to make this a tradition yeah?”

“It’s been five seconds, and you already hate drinking with me enough to never want to do it again?”

“That’s not what I meant. The drinking, I’d be willing for the to be a tradition.  The whole, me running away from base thing though? Yeah, let’s not do that again.”

Four nods, his curls swaying under the gesture, before he takes another swig, savouring the sharp after burn the vodka left in the back of his throat.  You crawl up off the bed, and shuffle over to the small, mint green radio that was set up towards the back of the trailer, fiddling with the dials before it decided to pick up something other than static. “I won’t let that happen again… You won’t be hurt like that again.” Four breathes out, though the words are drowned out by the functioning radio.

“Fuck! I love this song!” You squeal, turning the volume up to full, dancing to the blasting music.

“Seriously, Kesha? Out of all the music you could love, it’s this?”

“Don’t be an ass. This is my trailer, and my booze, I can and will kick you out if you’re not careful!”

“It’s stolen booze, so technically, the shop still owns it, not you….”

You don’t really think about your next move, all you know is that one moment you were drinking from the bottle of Jack while dancing and being sassed at by Four, and the next, you had grabbed one of your multiple decorative pillows, and had begun attacking him with it. Four grabbed his own pillow, and retaliated in kind, swatting you left right and centre, all the while attempting to not spill either of your drinks. And thus started the great pillow war of 2020.

*****

You don’t know what time it is, there’s a gentle stream of light washing over you as you carefully peel your eyes open, though a set of curtains over the window make it impossible for you to see anything else, other than the suns rays. Lifting your arms above your head, you stretch your aching body, before finally giving in and opening your eyes fully. It takes far too long for you to realise something was wrong. This was not where you had fallen asleep, quite the opposite actually. You know for a fact you had fallen asleep outside, in the dirt no less, with Four using you as a pillow. Yet somehow, you were now alone, in a strangers bed, inside a strangers trailer….

You sit bolt upright, your stomach instantly churning at your sudden movements, you blanch at the taste of bile as it rises in your throat, swallowing it back down. Slowly, you look around the trailer, finding nothing familiar in the small space. “Four?” It had to be his home… You had been inside everyone else’s trailer, but never his.  With a great deal of care, you pull yourself off the bed, pressing a hand over your eyes for a moment, as you feel a wave of dizziness wash over you. “Four? Hello?”

Looking around, you find no trace of him, or at least nothing that pointed to his whereabouts. You pass by a mirror as you walk towards the door, and you take a moment to assess your reflection. Your hair was knotted, sweaty, and had flecks of dirt tangled in it, there were deep set bags under your eyes, and overall you looked, and felt like death. Though all that combined, you still felt better now, than you had yesterday during the briefing.

You allow the trailer door to swing shut behind you, spotting a determined looking Two, marching across base and headed to the rec room. Was there another meeting this morning? Had you slept through the announcement, and Four couldn’t be bothered to wake you up? There was no time to think over the millions of possibilities as to what had happened, all you know, was that if Two was storming off somewhere, it was likely the best course of action would be to follow her.

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Chapter six out now!

[bledmagic]

**the following is no way indicative of direct rp interactions & is solely referring to the personal canon to idrylla. if your muse wants to refer to the closeness of one of the companions listed here by all means, unless you are holding another rper muse in mind as that connection is different & not based upon these by the interactions idrylla & that muse has had. however if you would like to base interactions on these descriptions with your muse def lemme kno & we can plot on this further !

idrylla is not the only focus of the story, they are one of many that line the cast of our main tale & the interactions between idrylla & these characters drive the story forward or back. as the game still rests within the area of early access & there are hints from datamining of future companions this list is not complete nor is it going to contain anything proper beyond act 1 in terms of connections. with the previous statement said, here is each of our companions & the relationships held with idrylla as per the canon to their character & me. **i will note if i have romanced a npc like this, as the game is in early access n just like in who’s line is it anyway the choices n points dont matter there is no canon romance for idrylla at this moment in time. 

LAE’ZEL: idrylla has very few memories of the nautilus. their capture, their containment, & the escape itself is somewhat of a blurry mess. what they do remember is lae’zel. they remember her face, her struggling, her escaping that pod. they saw the moment the mind flayer infected lae’zel & the fear held within the githyanki’s features. all of this is unspoken between the two, but for idrylla it’s spurned a lot of emotions that have boiled down to pushing idrylla to get close to lae’zel & be quite defensive of her with strangers( shadowheart can make a few insults as a treat, lae’zel in return can make some serious threats in return as a treat ). it is with the first weeks of travel idrylla can be found hanging out along side lae’zel like a safety net, finding the familiarity of their escape as a bridge to base a friendship upon. despite that link that idrylla has tied between them they find lae’zel absolutely delightful in every way possible & considers lae’zel probably the closest friend idrylla has had in years, the honesty lae’zel shows in the most blunt way a refreshing change from the passive aggressiveness of the wizards guild peers. beyond all this, lae’zel is also the first githyanki has ever known & has prodded the poor warrior with a multitude of questions to absorb the info like a weird elf sponge, even going out of their way to learn on their own & ask lae’zel about later on. idrylla holds lae’zel’s opinon in high regard & often will ask her or look to her for her advice & even if not followed takes it in consideration. anyways they are best friends. ( lae’zel: we are not ‘friends’ / idrylla: you’re right. we are best friends, pal. / lae’zel: tch. ) **lae’zel has been romanced 

SHADOWHEART: while idrylla did try to save shadowheart from her pod, idrylla also has particularly failed at every turn to get shadowheart to even attempt to trust them. traditionally anyway. since the common ground of the parasite & needing to team up & trust each other has failed to get shadowheart to loosen up, idrylla has taken the approach to just be a utter nuisance to shadowheart. often chiding the other with jokes or teases, stirring up trouble between shadowheart & lae’zel, forcing shadowheart to go talk to people at parties( notable example is when idryl forced shadowheart to dance with them at the big fun tiefling celebration party in which shadowheart was so emabrassed she probs would have died on the spot if she wasnt actually having fun the whole time ), etc etc. shadowheart stresses idrylla out, so tightly wounded & clearly bothered by something that is clearly at times more dire than the worm in their brain. it activates idrylla’s older sibling mode near instantly as often the fussing of the other reminds idrylla very warmly of their younger siblings, one being very similar to the uptight cleric. when shadowheart does breakdown some of those walls & reveals her religious beliefs idrylla presents themselves as very accepting. while agnostic themselves, they do make a point to show they hold no ill will to shadowheart & support them, but more importantly wants shadowheart to learn to rely on them from then on to be more honest about anything. it’s after this shadowheart tends to be less antagonistic toward idrylla. but only a little less.

WYLL: idrylla noted early on that the “”””stone”””” that rests in his socket has a heartshaped looking pupil & annoyingly( to everyone except wyll himself ) calls him hearteye. as a baldurian they are very well versed in knowing the various tales & stories of the blade of frontiers. wyll is idrylla’s favorite drinking companion & the two get along like a pair of bros in a budding bromance that will make the fans go crazy. wyll holds a hard sense of justice that idrylla tends to think of a buzzkill at times, but does value the pull of morality his chiding holds considering her own moral standing at current is fuzzy at best. she does truly worry about how skiddish he tends to be about his guarded secrets & once learning upon the truth they promise to aid them in his quest to save his ‘totally not devil girlfriend’ & when wyll protests about such a title idryl simply responses ‘oh no i totally get it, hearteye.’ with a laugh & wink. idrylla also has wyll teach them the use of the blade, taking those teachings & applying them to their learnings of the staff as a weapon vs a channel for magic. often one can see them sparing in camp on down time. wyll is also the only one of the companions who gave idrylla a proper condolence when idrylla’s less than tragic backstory is revealed to the the companions, to which idrylla who was properly touched thanked him with a hand to their heart & a ‘aww, thanks man. you’re a real one.’

ASTARION: idrylla is far softer on astarion than they should be & they will deny it. usually such a judgement of letting astarion getting away with ( in most cases, literally ) murder is preceded by a loud groan or sigh. it’s not that idrylla wants to dull astarion’s sparkle, but more of a general worry. the more idrylla learns of him, the more & more they just feel bad( astarion: i rather be spared of pity, thanks / idryl: it’s not pity. i don’t pity you its just. well hearing that shit that happened to you ? makes me sick, man. horrible things to go through. makes me want to hit something. ). but the primary worry is what will happened to their newfound friend once the parasite is extracted, will astarion burn up in the sun ? prevented from hanging out with them at bars ? will they not be able to find something for him to eat on the journey they set on ? idrylla has no real way to comfort astarion in the face of his past & it makes them uncomfortable. all that can be offered is a arm about his shoulder & a ear to listen.  beyond all this, however, the two get along disturbingly well. idrylla’s current fuzzy moral standing & general pull to do really stupid things setting a stage for the two of them to act in their own chaotic fashion. the two make comments with each other that would make people wonder if they share a braincell. idrylla often pulls lae’zel into their shenanigans much to her dismay. the fact that astarion is a vampire spawn has absolutely zero negative effect or reaction from idrylla. **astarion has been romanced

GALE: i hate these two. considering gale being a wizard busybody i have to do the most divergent shit with this mf. love this catdad, anyways here go. gale & idrylla absolutely know of each other prior to the events of the game & have a loving rivalry friendship thing going on. they have met a few times due to the wizarding guild( take in mind, this wizard guild is something im developing for idrylla & is not canonical to the game ) of which gale would visit, but is not apart of, due to his associations. the two never had a proper moment of conversation prior but are as i said, very aware of each other at least in terms of their talents in magic. so whilst there is a pre-established link between them they are without a doubt strangers. their rivalry comes out at any time magic is spoken about or knowledge thereof. a interesting change in demeanor for idrylla who, for all intents & purposes before & during the events, tended to not have a proper ambitious or know-it-all bone in their body. the two will often agree about magic or purposely disagree. they speak of other wizards & generally are capable of working together to figure out spells or something magical in puzzles. when gale says that idrylla knows nothing about the weave, it took everything in idrylla to not set him on fire. when faced with the truth about gale’s utterly stupid need to consume magic & the reason behind it, idrylla simply just starts smacking him on the arm & calling him an idiot( considering idrylla’s recent expulsion from the wizarding guild spurred on by peers that are  power hungry & would do whatever they could to get ahead, the ordeal of gale sits very heavy on idrylla. while they does apologize later & explains the why. ). over time the two have gotten less antagonistic to each other & more or less bicker for the fun of it, showing that the two have found themselves more or less comfortable with each other & in their aventures found respect in each other’s talents. so far anyway. idrylla has threatened to steal gale’s cat( in jest to make gale wig out. )

[walmart-buraiha]

Maybe it means nothing

My name is redacted and I’m just here to have a good time… and im doing a really bad job at it

I’ve sort of had a faint but ever-present screaming in my head for give or take a year and a half, and all that psychic blackboard screeching has been mostly centred around my crisis. ‘What crisis?’, I pretend to hear you ask, well great question actually. For those aforementioned 18 months I’ve had a small, prickly, blatantly unpleasant theory: I hate myself. Yes I know, that’s easy to tell because I say it all the time as a clever little edgy joke; but in reality, I’ve always found it unfairly difficult to appreciate what skills other people are so impossibly sure I have. Whether from teachers, parents, or even the rare peer, I feel as though all these people are under some sort of intense impression that I should be able to wield all my apparently present ‘hidden potential’ like I’m the protagonist in a mediocre shounen manga.

That in mind, I can’t help but wonder how much of my consistent self-directed resentment is derivative from mistakes I’ve actually made or from how much I hate what I’ve become in the last year. Although I appear to simply pass off all this talk of potential, I feel like my rejection of that sentiment could quite likely have formed itself into some self-inflicted disappointment, like I’m annoyed at how ridiculously lazy I am. And from there I start to build all these other reasons I’m so god awful at being alive, like ‘you only got a B on that essay but you got an A on the last 3, you useless trash,’ or ‘you better finish that shitty beer or else you barely even count as a man whatsoever’, or even going so far as ‘you still get angry once every two months, all that therapy was wasted on you’; and from there it’s a simple step of imprinting those negative thoughts into everyone else and just deciding out of nowhere they must all notice those same minuscule details.

I’m not sure why I come up with all these tiny negatives. It’s not like I’ve ever thought of someone else like that, so why would they think that of me? What gives all those non-existent assholes the right to judge me when I’ve never so much as considered anything similar to that about them? What a group of pricks, amiright? But I guess I’m meant to make this all circle back to my thesis statement, I’m bad at having a good time.

But why? What is it about my personality that makes happiness harder to channel than fear, or anger? Well I think I don’t perceive myself as someone that’s happy, or someone that deserves to be happy, and decide every person around me is infinitely more deserving of that same basic human emotion. I don’t know if that emotional deprivation that I force upon myself has some loosely definable connection to my lack of immediately perceivable talents, since I find most of my more innate abilities are ones that hold very little water in the area of sharing ones emotional state. It’s not exactly easy to demonstrate your genuine friendship towards another person via nothing but mediocre dark humour, rage and upper-body strength, so I find myself wondering if there is a way to express emotion. Will those who think they know me fall under the impression that anything genuine I say is nothing more than a failed attempt at dry wit? Or is it me who is to blame? After all, I can barely even convince myself that genuine feelings are worth the effort of maintaining, let alone figuring out how to tell someone about them.

Although is that primal confusion simply what it means to live on this desolate metropolis of 21st century Earth? Is it even the fault of that very same world that has caused my very own emotional breakdown and led me down this ever-peculiar path of self-degradation? Who’s to say I suppose, whether the big bearded guy with the apple or some groovy 80s DJ riding a highway of constant universal synchronicity. For that matter, maybe the only answer we might ever stumble across is that of the great void, and is that the answer we want, one that us puny apes can grasp? Is all we truly desire to finally leave the realm of momentary bliss heartbreak, love languages, and drug addictions, only to receive no meaning at all by the end of it and finally stumble our clumsy asses into the ever-expanding pit that might just be what we expect from the credit role of life.

Then again, is this what I’m meant to think, or is faith a better idea? Does this kind of violent terror come for every one of us, whether we believe in a void or a pearly gate? Probably. But to be fair, we both know this is far too many questions for one idiot in a bedroom with a light-up keyboard. Isn’t it?

[luminescentauthor]

Sora/Tobi Getting Together and Relationship Headcanons

THEY’RE HEEEEEERREEEE! Maybe Tobi will finally leave me alone now and stop taking up my whole brain.

Please read this post or this won’t make sense, it’s HCs about their third year. There’s also a part two that you don’t need to read, since everything you need is in part one. (U can if u want to tho.)

(If you don’t want to, basically all you need to know is: Nao, Sora, Tobi, and Mokichi are on first-name basis since the end of second year; Sora and Tobi have had a running prank war since the end of their first year and everyone on the team hates them because of it; Sora is captain, Mokichi is vice. Oh also Tobi’s aunt is awesome and she stormed into his parents’ house in Hiroshima to yell at them for being terrible parents. Tobi didn’t find out for the longest time.)

This is some 10-ass pages so headcanons below the cut!

This. Is. So much more chaotic than my Sora/Nao HCs. Prepare for disaster gays, very tired and very exasperated queer parent friend Momoharu, very very tired Mokichi, "usually a functional bi but the second you involve emotions he becomes a grade-a disaster bisexual" Tobi, Sora struggling to deal with "OH shit I'm gay," and "bows to absolutely no one and done with everyone and everything 24/7" Nanao Nao. This version of Nao is so much more of a tired badass than Sora/Nao's Nao, who stays more true to her canon self. 

It's also twice as long. Yeet.

Tobi and Sora have had growing feelings since their first year and Mokichi and Nao are fucking suffering with these stupid gays.

They were friends at first, and it really was just pure platonic feelings. It started to turn into something more a little after the first Taiei game, but Sora is shy and a certified disaster and Tobi is way too emotionally constipated for either of them to do anything about it.

Tobi I love you but you're a fucking mess.

Tobi actually got kicked out by his "father" in large part for being bisexual, and therefore wants absolutely nothing to do with growing feelings for tiny cute short teammate, nope nope no thank you-

But basically, Tobi has known he's bi for a while now, and while he's having some acceptance problems, he's not having the "OH GOD I'M GAY" panic

Sora has not known, and he's having a panic in the background because "I'm attracted to guys?!"

Sora starts realizing what's going on some time in second year, and Momoharu takes one look at the panicking Sora and goes "aight the fuck happened to you?"

You will have to pry their friendship from my cold dead hands and I'm not sorry. I love Momoharu and Sora's dynamic. 

Sora eventually confesses to Momoharu (after a lot of prodding) that he thinks he's turning gay, and Momoharu immediately starts laughing. Sora, hurt and feeling very stupid, goes to run, but Momoharu tugs him back down to sit and tells him, "Jesus, Sora, you don't turn gay. You either identify as gay or you don't. Sorry for scaring you, the concept of turning gay is just... oddly funny. Don't worry about it dude, I'm pansexual."

"...Pansexual?" Sora asks nervously.

"Yup, I'm attracted to all people regardless of gender. Men, women, people who don't fit either -- I don't much care. Gender doesn't really factor into whether or not I'm attracted to people."

"You can be attracted to multiple genders?" Sora asks, eyes wide.

Oh boy, Momoharu thinks. Poor kid. "Yeah, folks who are attracted to just men and women are called bisexual. Homosexual is the official word for those who are only attracted to their own gender, but gay or lesbian is usually used. Heterosexual is for those only attracted to the opposite gender. Of course, the lines aren't as clear set as those labels suggest they are. Sexuality is fucky, dude. Don't worry about not having it figured out. I only decided on a label a few months back, myself. Some people just choose not to label it at all."

That makes Sora feel better, and he takes to talking to Momoharu about it quite a bit.

At one point, Sora brings up how the team would react, especially since they share a locker room. Momoharu just gives him a deadpan look and then says in the flattest voice ever, "Wow, imagine being so insecure in your masculinity that you can't share a changing room with a gay man." That gets a laugh out of Sora and makes him feel a lot better.

As it turns out, this was word for word Chiaki's reaction to Momoharu being nervous about coming out to the team back in their first year.

It is also, word for word, Chiaki's response to Sora coming out to him going "I'm sorry I hope this doesn't make things awkward-"

Momoharu laughs hysterically when Chiaki pulls the exact same face he did and says in the exact same deadpan tone, "Wow, imagine being so insecure in your masculinity that you can't share a changing room with a gay man." Sora also stares at Chiaki for about ten seconds in silence, then doubles over laughing. Chiaki is so confused until Momoharu explains. 

However, this does mean that Momoharu has to deal with the brunt of Sora's "TOBI DID A THING HOLY SHIT" rants for the rest of the year, even though he denies that Tobi is the one he was attracted to if ever asked.

Momoharu, rubbing his forehead: Chiaki the baby gays are being stupid what do I do

Chiaki: I'm a straight so unfortunately I don't think I can help here?

Momoharu: Ugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Tobi is freaking out in the background because "oh no gay feelins oh no soft feelins fuck what do I do????"

His aunt: Kid, please calm down, you'll be fine.

Tobi, putting a groove in the floor with his pacing: NO I WON'T WHA' IF 'E FINDS OUT WHAT IF THIS RUINS THA TEAM DYNAMIC WHAT IF 'E 'ATES ME-

Accent go yeet when upset!

She holds him while he panics and lets him curl into her, and then makes his favorite foods and puts on a movie and cuddles with him, and once he's asleep, she calls her brother-in-law with every intent of murder because how dare you make this child feel so unloved?

Anyway, Tobi eventually comes to accept himself and his sexuality in full thanks to her, the team, and Juri. It's primarily just a thing of time and needing to have more conversations where he's open about it and accepted by people he cares about. 

Poor Sora still isn't totally comfortable with being gay? And a month or so into his third year, he comes out to Nao and later Mokichi. They make him feel much better, but the final piece is actually Tobi himself. Tobi finds Sora having a breakdown in the locker rooms and holds him to help him calm down and pushes him to talk about it, and Sora finally tells Tobi he's queer.

And Tobi, having been through this struggle before, just kind of pulls him into a hug and says, "Well, tha' makes two o' us" and Sora goes "wHAT" and Tobi tells him he's bisexual. Tobi does not pry about who made Sora realize he's queer, because it's personal and touchy, and he respects that.

That does, however, extend the mutual bullshit period.

But also: 

Sora: oH MY GOD HE'S GAY HE'S GAY HE'S GAY I'M-

Tobi: 'E's. 'E's Bi. Deep breaths deep breaths deep breaths just don' panic and ask 'im out that's a bad plan-

Tobi that's actually how you deal with romantic feelings like a functional human being but sure, go off. 

Tobi comes out to Nao and Mokichi with Sora's support shortly after that, and their reactions are, respectively: "NICE!" "Cool." and then Nao tackles Tobi in a hug that is the start of a big grouphug. 

There's lots of hugging and crying (the latter is Nao and Sora and a little bit of Mokichi), and Tobi will vehemently deny that he cried at all, but a few tears got out.

(Lbr Tobi's gay pining for Sora was Not Subtle, so they already knew, but they don't tell him that for a while. When they do tell him, he's gotten to the point where he just stares at them blankly for a moment and then groans rather than flipping out. Mokichi chuckles quietly and Nao just outright laughs at him.)

But anyway, both of these Absolute Idiots are still crushing on each other, and everyone is suffering.

Actually, scratch "crushing,” it's moved into full-blown pining now.

Sora eventually also accepts that, alright, he has a big crush on Tobi. Tobi, their ace. Tobi, one of his best friends. Tobi, one of the best wings in all of Japan. Tobi, who is ridiculously attractive. Tobi, who looks like an actual bush when he doesn't tie his hair back somehow, because his hair is insanely (and adorably) frizzy and voluminous. Tobi, who will whoop at the top of his lungs and grin like a maniac because he just pulled off a fantastic drive and double-clutch, even though he's exhausted and soaked in sweat and they're four minutes into overtime. Tobi, who makes the cutest face with the sweetest smile Sora has ever seen when he talks to his sister. (Tobi, who is a boy, and Sora has stopped caring.)

Sora even stops denying that he likes Tobi after a little bit, and Momoharu is just in the background going, "good job, it only took you two entire years to figure that out."

Sora: LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

Momoharu: Okay but have you considered: No. Absolutely not. 

Anyway Tobi mostly complains/gay rants to Nao and sometimes Mokichi, and at this point, even Juri is slightly sick of her brother talking about "our amazin' point guard." Yer not subtle, Anchan????

Except it eventually moves from "wow he's amazin' but NO I do not 'ave a crush on 'im" to "oh my God I am SO gay," and then later it moves to a more resigned gay panic. ("Nnnnnnghhhhh I nearly fuckin' kissed 'im after practice today what do I do-")

Nao is trying to bully both of them into confessing, but neither will take the first step, not because of pride, but because they're scared. (Nao is. So. Done. Even if she sympathizes, it has been two years of this bullcrap please-)

Tobi, especially, is afraid of losing everything again after his nasty stepdad booted him out.

Sora is like "that is one of my closest friends, and given this team's stability record I am Not Poking That Mess With A Long Stick."

Momoharu, who is the one he says this to, is just kinda like, "Yeah I can't really argue with that, as much I want you to confess."

Nao, later, having been subjected to a similar rant, after he said "closest friend" instead of "a dude": HE'S GROWING UP KANAME-KUN I'M TEARING UP-

Mokichi is far too tired of everything to interfere, which is fair.

Juri badgers Tobi for a solid four weeks before he admits what's really going on, and then it kind of all comes spilling out, and she encourages him to confess to Sora, but he's still reluctant.

Nao also bluntly says, "Kenji-kun's family abandoned him, Sora-kun, and it may be because he's the words ‘problem child' given physical form, but it may be because he's queer. If you want to work this out, I think you'll need to take the first step." 

(Tobi told the team about his past late first year/early second year. Crying happened and everyone basically group-tackle-hugged Tobi, and he finally got the hugs he very much needed and definitely deserved.)

And Sora angsts over that for a while until Chiaki very simply says, "Do you want things between the two of you to change?" And Sora realizes that yes, he does, he doesn't want things to stay the same, he wants to hold Tobi's hand and go on dates and call each other at weird hours for the sake of it and hold each other until they fall asleep and kiss him and -- well, you get the idea.

So he works up the courage, and it's one night some months before the national tournament when Sora asks Tobi to stay behind with him for extra practice. Sora is really nervous, and Tobi is like "??? Sure? Are ya okay?"

Sora, voice cracking: yEaH I'M FINE

Anyway, Sora misses like a solid sixty percent of his shots that practice and Tobi is. So confused.

Tobi to Mokichi: Did. Did somethin' happen.

Mokichi just shrugs, which does not make Tobi feel better.

So Tobi stays behind all the others to talk with Sora, and they're both really nervous. Obviously, Sora is about to confess, and Tobi is just so confused, and also some small part of him is going, "oh God did he figure out I like 'im????"

Nao and Mokichi kicked all the first and second years out after just an hour of individual practice, and Sora is grateful but also, "guys please don't make me confront my problems."

Nao: "Sora-kun if we waited for you to deal with this we'd be here 'till sunrise."

Mokichi, tiredly: "No, we'd be here until we turned old and gray."

Sora asks Tobi to sit with him while blushing, and Tobi complies, still very puzzled.

They make small talk for a minute, and then Sora abruptly says, "Kenji-kun... I... I think I have a crush on you".

Tobi gapes at him like a fish, opening and closing his mouth for a solid minute, and eventually, Sora.exe unfreezes and goes, "Sorry, I-" and Tobi just goes, "Fer real? Ya aren't prankin' me again?" in a surprisingly quiet voice.

And Sora is mildly offended but knows that's a fair assumption given their track record of prank wars, and he also almost wants to use the excuse Tobi has handily provided, but he just stands and goes "I'm sorry, I should leave-"

And Tobi leaps to his feet, grabs his hand, and says flat out, "Sora, I've 'ad a crush on ya since first year."

And Sora just kinda… short circuits. "Wait, really?"

Tobi just kinda rubs the back of his neck (shyly? Tobi gets shy?) and goes, "Yeah, I... I kinda only admitted it in tha middle a' second year, though."

And Sora says slowly, "You... you like me. You like me!" He laughs, relieved. "Holy shit, I was so scared you were going to reject me and it was going to ruin everything--"

And Tobi is just going oh my God, he's adorable, I can't deal with him, and takes Sora's chin in one hand and asks quietly, "Sora, can I kiss ya?" Sora's eyes, predictably, go wide, and he nods. (And please take a moment to recall and appreciate the fact that Tobi is canonically an entire foot taller than Sora. Sora is 149 cm (4'10.7) and Tobi is 178 (5'10.1). This is fantastic because I will bet actual money that this height difference has not shrunk; if anything, it has grown.)

They kiss just as the entire team bursts into the gym. Turns out, they were watching the whole thing, and honestly, none of them look that ashamed; they put up with the pair's bullshit for this long, they're invested now, and they deserved to know what happened.

"ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS REVENGE FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS OF USELESS GAY PINING," Nao yells. "KANAME-KUN, EVERYONE -- GRAB THEM!"

And the team lifts the yelling and protesting couple above their heads as Sora loudly objects and Tobi swears at them. The first years learn some creative new insults. The second and third years, on the other hand, are very accustomed to Tobi by this point, and aren't remotely surprised, but -- oh, haven't heard that one before, actually, says a second year. The others mutter assent. 

We have, Mokichi grouches. We third years have heard them all. 

Sora is small and easily hauled around, and Tobi is also pretty helpless when being held up above the heads of Mokichi and their first-year center. So they can’t really like... do anything about being dragged around.

Nao leads the team forward like an army, and they march to the pool to drop the two of them in, and when they resurface, fully clothed and soaked to the bone, Sora is laughing hysterically. (Assume Sora learned to swim at some point.)

Tobi is groaning, but he's grinning, and he swims over to the side of the pool -- and grabs Nao and Mokichi's ankles and drags them in, both of them yelling.

And Sora thinks, with Nao yelling in irritation but a sparkle in her eyes and a grin she's failing to fight off, with Mokichi laughing quietly as he flings his wet bangs out of his eyes, with Tobi laughing hysterically, his hair slicked back by water, with the four of them wearing all of their clothes and soaked to the bone, their entire team yanking off their shirts to jump into the pool with them and the moon and stars shining overhead, that he's never been happier.

And Tobi turns to him and grins, and Sora can't keep himself from jumping at Tobi -- who catches him, startled -- and kissing him again.  

And, like, hey, Tobi isn't about to complain.

They take about two months to settle into things, and then it's just like... I'm sorry, who thought letting Kurumatani "Embodiment of Chaos" and Natsume "Biggest Problem Child Ever" Kenji date was a good idea?????

It's a bit awkward for a while because they're still feeling things out and figuring out what they're both comfortable with, but then they finally click, and it's... pure fucking chaos.  

Sora will not stop stealing Tobi's clothes and Tobi is not happy about it, mostly because -- Sora, if ya keep stealin' my clothes while I am in the changin' room, then I do not 'ave clothes to wear ya stupid chibi--

Tobi has stormed into the gym shirtless at least twice yelling, "SORA! GIVE BACK MY FUCKIN' SHIRT!"

Listen. Listen we have a total of three scenes of Tobi being shirtless, and two of them were in front of plenty of people. Tobi is many things, but body shy is not one of them. He wouldn't care. 

(Post-Kitasumi loss, post-Shinjo loss, and that one scene of him dribbling in a park or something at night with an audience. The night before they played Taiei.)

Tobi: Are ya ever jus' tryin' to figure out where all yer clothes have gotten ta and then ya turn ‘round and see 'em all on yer dumbass tiny boyfriend?

Sora, clearly utterly unapologetic, wearing Tobi's sweatshirt: Oops. 

Chiaki, probably: SOME OF US ARE SINGLE STOP RUBBING IT IN.

As mentioned before, Sora is canonically 149 cm (~4'10.7), and Tobi is 178 cm (~5'10.1). There's a 29-centimeter difference, almost an entire foot, and frankly, that difference has grown a few centimeters, and you bet Tobi is going to abuse the shit out of this.

He literally holds things Sora wants over Sora's head all the time and Sora hates it. Like yes, Tobi did this before they dated too, but now Tobi is doing it more just to be annoying. It's also the only way Tobi can keep his clothes out of Sora's hands whenever they aren't on Tobi's person. (It's kind of hard to steal a shirt when someone is wearing it.) 

"THIS IS ABUSE!"

"Me holdin' m' own jacket above m' head so that ya can't steal it from me isn't abuse, it’s self-preservation! It’s like -20 degrees out there, Sora, use yer own jacket!"

I personally headcanon Tobi shooting up like a weed, but whether he did or not, he's probably between 180 and 190 now (5'11 and 6'3). Meanwhile, Sora is like maybe 155-60. It is possible that Sora also shoots up, but I feel like he would hit 165 at most. That would have him growing 16 cm, which is 8 inches, so. That's a lot of inches to grow in two and a half years. 

The things Tobi holds above his head are mostly his own clothes and also food items, plus the occasional basketball.

He also sometimes will nab Sora's clothes and hold them up in the air just to get back at him. Sora will be leaping up in the air, trying to reach his clothes, while Tobi stands there with a shit-eating grin holding Sora's shirt over his head. It looks so stupid. Nao and Mokichi both have multiple videos of it. (Nao has like five.) (What? She suffered, alright? Let her have this blackmail, at least.)

Sora: :( My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips, what should I do?

Momoharu: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Nao: Tackle him.

Chiaki: Dump him.

Mokichi: Kick him in the shin.

Tobi: NO TO ALL A' THOSE, JUST ASK ME TA LEAN DOWN!

Nao and Mokichi and Momoharu and Chiaki and Madoka and literally all of their friends are still giving them a hard time for being useless gays and taking two and half years to deal with their feelings even five years later. They're never going to live it down.

As adults, juggling careers and their growing relationship is hard.

They both go to universities in Tokyo, thankfully, and don't have to do long distance, and get an apartment together in their third year.

Tobi probably joins the B.League, and maybe Sora does too. (I dunno, I'm not committing to anything with career HCs.)

If they do, they have to keep their relationship secret; it would be a huge deal to be gay athletes in Japan (or... anywhere.) Most of their teammates know, though. Like... Sora regularly shows up to practice in Tobi's sweatshirts.

The sexual tension whenever they play each other is intense, though.

(My pet headcanon for Tobi is actually him going to university in America and joining the NBA. While I want to do that with Sora too, the mangaka apparently turned down two anime deals because they ended with Sora in the NBA. I haven't fact-checked that, though.)

They're around 25 when the world as a whole finds out. It either comes out because one of them is like, "hey babe do ya wanna just come out? We have enough money to retire if this goes south," "Oh sure," or because they mess up so drastically that people figure it out. After all, it would take a lot to break past the "they're such good friends!" mentality of sports reporters. Like seriously. These two are not subtle. They can let heteronormativity do most of the work for them, in all honesty. 

Anyway, it comes out, and the media goes into an uproar, and they retreat to visit Sora's dad in Nagano without telling anyone except their coaches and closest friends where they've holed up and just let the world burn while they enjoy tea and the view of the mountains and avoid social media like the plague. 

Assuming it was planned:

Tobi, the day before coming out, on his official twitter: I'll be doing a no-electronics retreat with my partner for two weeks, so I won't be on social media. Enjoy your week!

Or possibly the way he came out, besides their official announcement on Sora's account, was just "I'll be doing a no-electronics retreat with my boyfriend, @KurumataniOfficial, for the next two weeks. Bye y'all, have a good two weeks! :)" because that has Tobi's chaotic energy.

Edit: Actually? I take that back. SORA would do that. That has SORA'S chaotic energy.

When people get homophobic, all of their friends -- high school, college, adult life -- are immediately down to throw hands. 

The Japanese highschool circle of people who went professional is small and pretty close-knit, and the NBA and B.League sides are quite close to each other as well. Shiraishi and Fuwa, who are both in the NBA, both riot when people attack their old acquaintances from high school. I personally headcanon Fuwa as a raging chaotic bi, because -- hair. Yozan, for that matter, is also pretty pissed off. 

Fuwa probably gets on twitter and goes, "What's this bullshit about them being gay???? Of course they're gay. Have you ever seen them interact for more than two seconds??? Are you blind??? Wait, nope. Sorry. Don't want to insult blind people. ARE YOU ACTUALLY THAT DUMB????"

Momoharu tweets," 'Wow, imagine being so insecure in your masculinity that you can't share a changing room with a gay man' --My twin Chiaki, and Sora and Tobi's HS teammate, upon them coming out in HS" and first Sora's teammates start retweeting it and then Tobi's and then every single one of both their teams’ members retweets it. It's fantastic. 

Then Shiraishi (who, again, is in the NBA) retweets it, and it goes completely viral. Chiaki is so happy but also really pissed that it's Momoharu's account. 

Momoharu ribs him about it for a solid three weeks just to be obnoxious. 

There's actually no one on either of their teams that didn't already know about the relationship. Again, they're not subtle together. If there was any drama, it was presumably resolved by getting rid of the homophobe. 

Anyway, so while shit hits the fan, Sora and Tobi just shelter in place and their friends all react by going to war, which both of them are a bit taken aback by, but like, they aren't complaining about it. They're both touched actually.  

For marriage, honestly, neither one of them proposes in any fancy manner; they probably decided to get married because the topic comes up due to taxes. Sora goes, "Hey, do you think we should get married? The taxes would be cheaper," without really thinking about it, and Tobi goes, "Honestly, if it means everyone will stop badgerin' us about 'tyin' the knot' or whatever, I vote we elope," and that's that. Some two hours later while making dinner, Sora goes, "HOLY SHIT WAIT ARE WE ENGAGED?" and Tobi, who was reading, stares at him for three seconds, processes that, and slowly goes, "...I guess? Yeah, I guess we are. Wow. We did that." 

Sora slams his head on the table and Tobi just very tiredly says, "babe, no, ya need those brain cells." 

Assume gay marriage is by this point legal and accepted.

When asked how they got engaged, everyone is just like, "THAT'S SO ANTICLIMACTIC?????" This is also the media's reaction.

Interviewer: Why did you and Natsume-san decide to get married?

Sora, shrugging: Taxes are easier with your partner when you're married.

But they went to get rings together on their tenth anniversary shortly after deciding to get married, and if that isn't sappy as hell, I don't know what is. 

They probably don't wait long for the wedding and don't bother making it a huge thing; they invite all their friends, hire some folks to keep the media out no matter what, and hire a few people to film it and figure they can share that footage later. ("I am not havin' the media at my weddin' that is a private event for friends and family -" "Love, I am not arguing with you, I don't want them there either???")

Nao will be best woman for one of them at the wedding, and you bet she will give them so much shit for being disasters back in high school in her speech.

Juri, who by that point is like 20 something, because the disaster gays don't get married till they're at least 28 to 30, is either Tobi's best woman or playing some significant role in the wedding. She also roasts her brother and brother-in-law. 

Tobi and Juri are definitely half-siblings, just in terms of time. He looked five or six when his biodad died, and she seems about the same age, meaning there's a ten-year gap. 

Also, it's implied in the manga, so. 

The newly-weds are just sitting there groaning as their friends/family members roast them, but they're both grinning. 

The vows are probably really, really sappy, and Tobi can claim it's Sora's fault as much as he wants, but he's honestly also kind of a sap too and all his friends know it.

Tobi's stepdad is not invited. In fact, Tobi goes out of his way to send an edited version of the invitation to him that basically says, "Wedding! You're not invited!" while Sora and Juri die of laughter in the background. His mother does come, though -- she eventually moved out following the "her younger sister stormed in boiling with righteous fury on behalf of her son" incident. While the couple never got a divorce, they haven't spoken in years. 

The invitees are actually mostly friends, not family. While Sora's dad, grandma, and extended family come, Tobi's only present family are his sister, his aunt, his mother, and his biodad's brother (and the brother's wife and kids.) But they have hundreds of friends there; Nao, Mokichi, Momoharu, Chiaki, Madoka, Yasu, Chukie, Nabe, their kouhai from their second and third years, Satsuki with his wife and two kids, Shiraishi, Fuwa, Yozan, Mineta, Yakku, Nino, Tarou, both of their professional teams and all the team staff, the national team that they played with, Sakamaki, Yuka and Tomohisa’s friends, Madoka's older sister, their college teammates and classmates -- the list literally just doesn't stop. For like. Days. That guest list was the hardest part of the wedding, actually.

The symbol they use on the invitations is a dragon. Momoharu and Nao both cry when they see the nod to the Kuzuryu team. (Chiaki does not cry, he claims. Momoharu calls bullshit, and Momoharu is, for once, completely right.) 

The cake has wing patterns curving up the sides; one kite wing with a healed injury, and a duck wing in front of the silhouette of an eagle wing. ("I'm sappy, Ken, sue me." "Actually, I think that's adorable, so go ahead.") 

The healed injury was Tobi's idea, though. Sora was confused, but Tobi explained that Sora and Kuzuryu brought him back to basketball as a team sport, and healed him from the pain of being pushed away from his family. Sora cries.

The shadow of the eagle wing was also Tobi's idea. He says "I agree that yer a duck because I love ya to pieces but yer still short as shit-" "Oi." "-but I also think ya learned how to fly in yer own right. Swimmin' and duckin' be damned. Ya fly on the court, Sora." 

Sora does not cry again. He does not. ("Sure ya didn't." "SHUT UP KEN-") (He definitely teared up a little, because Tobi is looking at him with a soft smile and the most affectionate look in his eyes, and holy shit, I love him, and I'm going to marry him????

They go to Nagano and Hiroshima to visit their parents' graves after the wedding. Both of them are sappy about it. "I wish you could have met him" speeches, basically, while the other stands out of earshot.

They then proceed to screw off to Hawaii on a honeymoon for two weeks, since it's the offseason. 

Either they combine their names, or Tobi takes Sora's last name.

I feel like Tobi would, just to spite his stepdad. I'm pretty sure Natsume is his stepdad's last name, since Tobi is seen wearing a helmet that is probably his dad's in a flashback, and it has a different name on it. Might've been a company name, though. Idk.

Sora is maybe crying when they change the nameplate on their Tokyo apartment to read "Kurumatani-Natsume Sora and Kurumatani-Natsume Kenji" because "holy shit that's my fucking husband!!!!!"

And Tobi just laughs and wraps his arms around him and drags him down onto the couch to hold him, and Sora thinks that life is good. Very good. 

And if Nao and Mokichi and Momoharu and Chiaki and Madoka and Juri and crew all crash their place five seconds later, well, Sora thinks, that just makes it better. 

wow! if you made it through this entire thing i am grateful to you for reading! and lowkey impressed because this is almost 5000 words. see my Ahiru No Sora Headcanons tag for more! there is also a Sora/Nao relationship headcanons post.

[bellamygateoldblog]

best and worst relationships?

There’s a lot of varables to consider here, and I’m feeling sick and bored out of my mind, so i’m going the long way round. This is a nightmare to read on mobile, im so sorry.

‘Best’ and ‘Worst’ labels depend on a number of things:

— Story of the pairing

— General intrigue and how enjoyable their dynamic is to watch

— Chemistry of the two (or more) characters

— Presence (or lack of) valuable relationship qualities (is this relationship healthy according to the world it exists in?)

and the importance of each of those differs from person-to-person.

Note: Sticking to popular relationships. I’ve blocked names, but I’m also throwing it under a Read More because it’s long and negative. It’s largely anticlarke because she’s a terrifying character and her mere existence derails most of her dynamics. Ship and like whatever you like, I hate fandom gatekeeping. But you asked so let’s go.

There’s also no order to this. Welcome to chaos land.

Best ‘Best’ List: objectively good relationships

— Linctavia

— Marper 

— Spacekru

— David and Nate Miller

— Raven and Sinclair

Unconditional love, mutual respect and support, found family, would die (and live) for the other. I can’t find fault in them.

Memori

I had a bit more to say about this one because there’s something so highly romantic in two people abandoned by their clan, cast out, finding each other in a literal desert wasteland. Like they’re each other’s oasis. In meeting Emori, Murphy finally found acceptance after spending far too long alone, and being told he was worthless by people who’s approval meant something. And Emori having someone prepared to do whatever it takes to protect her and make her happy is everything I could’ve wanted for her. They’re so deeply in love.

Best List

Becho (pre-season six)

Your local enemies-to-lovers. partnership over co-dependency. Compromise. Affection and emotional support from both sides. Willing to throw themselves right into line-of-fire for the other. A cut ‘i love her’ scene which i’ve personally decided wasn’t cut. I LOVE THEM.

Arguments against:

- ‘killed’ Gina (moreso she aided her death) while acting on orders from her superiors

- ‘killed’ Octavia while acting on orders from her superiors

- killed Ilian/ attempted to help Roan win conclave over Octavia

- almost killed Clarke (season five)

- happened offscreen

Arguments to discredit previous arguments because I’m sick and tired of seeing them in the pro tags:

- Echo was Bellamy’s enemy through those first three listed events. Bellamy had no reason to expect loyalty or respect, or anything else from her. She was always looking out for her people just as Bellamy was his own. That was quite clear.

- In fact she actually tried to help Gina because she was important to Bellamy, apologised that she couldn’t and did save Bellamy’s life despite their enemy status.

- ‘killing’ Octavia was not in cold blood. It was actually an accident.

- This one is nonsense. She wanted to kill Clarke during season five “even though she’s important to Bellamy”…after she just left him to brutally die and held Echo and her family at gunpoint and threatened to kill them. Context matters.

- not a fan of the time jump either, but if you’re able to accept the Madi-Clarke relationship which also developed offscreen, you can deal with this one.

Hard to talk about this one without defending it. Echo deserves better than season six Bellamy, who would abandon her in order to chase a woman he knew for 6-ish months 6 years ago. I say it’s his loss.

Jonty

It was a beautiful relationship and then a beautiful breakdown of one. I really enjoyed their dynamic. About to get controversial and suggest Monty could’ve taken a different approach with Jasper. I’ve never committed genocide and had to learn to live with it while watching my best friend suffer from the decision, but I do have clinical depression and somewhat relate to Jasper. There was this scene, where in the background you see Jasper go to hug Monty goodbye and he avoids it. It was such a small but sad detail. I felt Monty wanted Jasper to deal with his grief in a certain way and got frustrated when he didn’t. Sometimes he could be insensitive and blaming, and i think had there been more communication their friendship could’ve been very healing for the both of them. I think we learn at one point Jasper actually thought Monty was “fine” and didn’t even realise or understand that Monty hurt too. Jasper had this tendancy to only consider his own feelings, and this put a rift between them. Tough love doesn’t work for everyone, and I think Monty’s sometimes cold approach held that rift in place. The simple fact that both sides are so easy to understand and empathise with, and that this gradual undoing of what was once an incredibly strong bond was inevitable, made watching it all wonderfully bittersweet.

Zaven

This was good, but it was so rushed it made me bitter towards them. While it was Raven being thrown with yet another random guy, this did strike me as much more meaningful than her fling with Wick and I think it would’ve been a lovely relationship had it been able to continue. I think this was that love Raven deserved. It’s a damn shame it was used as just another level of torture for her. I think if they had let it develop more naturally and not been so full-on so soon, and of course if the actor hadn’t opted to leave the show, this would’ve been up on my best ‘best’ list.

Dropping this here: being intelligent isn’t actually important when pairing Raven up. Fandom acts like she needs someone “on her level” or “at her speed” (shudders), someone to challenge her, which has always come across as very demeaning of characters with less intellectual capacity, as if they’re less than Raven because of this when they are absolutely not. This mentality also denies Raven of partners that can value her and treat her well just because they aren’t Stephan Hawking. A romance isn’t a competition or a class project. Shaw was good for her, not because of what his brain could do, but because of who he was.

Bellamy and Octavia

This bitch toxic, YEET. I adore it. I really do. It’s such an intriuging and complex dynamic. The poisonous nature of their relationship is neither of their own faults, they’re both a victim of their own circumstances and, in Octavia’s case, a lack of socialisation and, by extension, non-understanding of grey area is also intrinsicaly linked to it. They truely love one another, but aren’t learned in how to show this in healthy ways. Makes that back-and-forth an entertaining watch.

Main grievance:

Beating your brother bloody while he’s chained down and unable to defend himself against you is disturbing and inexcusable in any context, and whether or not you’re grieving is irrelevant.

Neutral List

C//exa

Placing this one here just because i don’t care about this relationship, but did like bits and pieces. I think this one ended before it even started. For me most of it’s appeal is in the gradual moulding of the dynamic and the many phases it went through. I did find intrigue in that journey. However the fact the show reminds me at least a few times a season that Lexa was the one has me digging my heels in. I hate being told what to think.

I don’t really remember it all that well so I don’t necessarily have strong opinions. I know some people do. At this point in the show I was growing more and more annoyed with Clarke, and eventually i went from liking Lexa to being indifferent to her, so a dynamic consisting of them both was the least interesting thing in the world to me by the time it started heating up.

I will say this is probably one of the only significant relationships Clarke has where she doesn’t ultimately have more power than the other half. There isn’t a mechanism there that allows one to use to do harm to the other to advantage themselves; Lexa is the commander, but Clarke is constantly pushing back and Lexa respects and listens to what she has to say. There is literally a shot of Clarke backing the most powerful person on the ground into a table. I think Clarke was a positive influence on Lexa, but during this time Clarke was slipping into worse and worse versions of herself.

Some thoughts:

I found it was innappropriate for Clarke, as a leader of her people who’s primary concern is supposed to be what’s best for them, to have become romantically involved with the commander of the people they hadn’t a stable relationship with, and who ultimately has the power to strip them of all freedoms. It’s so easy for those romantically and sexually charged feelings to cloud and confuse what are extremely important considerations to be made about the people back home. It wasn’t a very responsible relationship.

On the flipside of that, from this relationship Lexa was convinced to grow into peace. Which is quite obviously a positive affect. Though I found it was odd that Clarke, just a random teenage girl from space, would be (successfully) telling the commander how to manage her people when she herself was not at home overseeing the climate of her own. It just has some very weird implications.

Lexa’s betrayal at mount weather, actually a very silly and counter-productive decision, was what forced Clarke to lose her humanity in what was the most traumatic event of her entire life. The fact it was forgiven so easily was hard for me to get over.

M//rphamy

Season five was good for them. It seemed as if they’d grown, were much closer, more respectful, and more affectionate. Then season six happened, and Bellamy was back to treating Murphy like he was beneath everyone. He started again to talk about how therapeutic it would be to hurt him, as he has, physically, many times in the past. Just tearing open old wounds at this point. In season five he reminded Murphy he wasn’t worthless, that he did belong with the group, but in season six he went back on all that, and put Clarke ahead of him at every turn, and prioritied her feelings over his very real pain. They’ve had a complicated history of violence, usually coming from Bellamy’s more hot-headed side.

I put this here because it’s an immensely compelling dynamic. These characters work well together, there’s heaps of chemistry and allure in each of their interactions. It’s just an entertaining time whenever they share scenes. But despite that, I don’t know where I stand with them and I don’t know where they stand with each other as of season six.

Worst List

Be//arke

There is a mess of negative thoughts inspired by this relationship about proportionate to the amount it’s shoved in my face. Clarke is just no good for Bellamy. Is the concise way of putting it.

Here’s a list of some of them which I usually like to bury deep inside my head for sanity purposes:

Ignoring whether or not actions were for the people/the only option and focusing solely on how the relationship is affected by them regardless

- Clarke has a tendancy to view the most important person (pre-season five) in Bellamy’s life as necessary collateral damage. She has brought/almost brought harm to Octavia on multiple occasions, the two most notable being TonDC and the conclave. Both while being on the same side as Bellamy from a political standpoint, and both while his friend who he had reason to expect affirmation, consideration, and loyalty from. Clarke betrays those key values. This happens again in season five when Clarke’s Plan-A solution is to “take her out.”

( this is also what sets her apart from Echo, who was never in the position to make her own choices. Clarke has that agency and control that Echo’s superiors had, but never Echo. )

- and saying that, I think it’s incredibly hard for Clarke to maintain any meaningful relationships being in the position she’s in. How do you have friends when you have to always put them second?

- speaking of the conclave, Clarke held Bellamy at gunpoint in order to prevent him saving his sister’s life. She said she “didn’t pull the trigger” and that was that. All is forgiven. However she did pull the trigger in what was an attempt to scare him into submission so I really don’t even know what to say here. The writers kinda forgot?

- they aren’t equal. They haven’t been co-leaders since season one. He was demoted almost immediately to second-in-command beneath Clarke. Clarke is the leader, the literal head. She makes the choices while Bellamy gets her out of the trouble she usually gets herself into, risking himself and others in the process. It’s a racist trope. It’s the ‘white princess and her brown knight.’ She has agency and power and he’s her loyal soldier, subordinate. Inequality isn’t inherently a bad thing but this power imbalance between them is utilised in harmful ways.

- speaking of “the good knight by his queen’s side,” this comes across as codependency. Clarke relies on Bellamy’s support, validation and loyalty, while ‘the heart needs the head to tell it to beat.’ That’s paraphrased from season six, that’s an actual line in the show. Bellamy needs her to guide him, to “keep [him] centred,” that’s another line from the show. That’s still not enough? He literally tells us in season six that he needs her, and has needed her in the past if his psychosis episode is anything to go by. He has impeccably low self esteem and views himself less than. I mean if you need further convincing of they’re inequality, just look to their places on the ark which are quickly reinstated once it reaches the ground. Clarke is upper class, she’s later the daughter of the chancellor, she comes from a loving family, from one of (if not, the) more well-off stations, she’s educated and she has passions, but Bellamy? From the poorest ark station, raised by an emotionally abusive mother, a janitor, his whole motivation his entire life has been to love and protect Octavia. I think a lot of this devotion he has for her comes from a place of idolisation, of seeing something in her he wants for himself.

- now this ugly trope could also come from an absense of Octavia. The moment they get to the ground Octavia is on a journey of self-discovery. And eventually, she becomes her own protector, and she finds a home in Lincoln. So naturally Bellamy looks for the closest relationship he can find that resembles that old one. It’s Bellamy and Clarke. Now, instead of Octavia, he’s driven by and found purpose in protecting Clarke. In fact, the Clarke-Bellamy dynamic has so many similarities to the Octavia-Bellamy one I can absolutely see the sibling like quality to Be//arke.

- Clarke abandons Bellamy after mount weather. She leaves because she can’t bare the reminder of “what [she] did to get them here.” So she leaves and instead Bellamy is the one forced to see the faces of the 48 every day, reminding him of what he did to get them there. Clarke comes across as completely oblivious in this entire situation. Bellamy and Monty are both written using the word “we” to refer to the mount weather genocide, but Clarke? It’s “I” and “me” every time. It’s as if she truely believes she’s the only one suffering from it, she’s bearing it so they don’t have to, except that isn’t true at all and that fact is so painfully clear. Later she tells him she knew she could leave because the people had him, but who did Bellamy have? He dealt with that weight and that grief alone because the only other person who could possibly understand, the one who pulled the lever with him, ran away. After she had convinced him not to in season one. She then comes back informing him she’d been acting on behalf of her people in Polis, without the people’s own knowledge or consent, but i digress, and he’d just ruined everything. So much for co-leaders. And he blows up at her, and we see how badly this action hurt him.

- In season five she leaves him to die out of spite and took her daughter to the people he saved her from at the beginning of the season. It could’ve been avoided, but she decided to punish him. That’s all it was. Don’t give me none of that “I had to!!!” she screams in season six to mindspace!Octavia. Bellamy was forced into role of father at just 6 years old and has proved time and time again he was prepared to risk it all in order to protect his child, there was nobody more equipped to handle Madi than him and her yelling in his face that he couldn’t understand was perhaps the biggest betrayal of them all.

- In season five she tortured and almost murdered his entire family. After switching sides again at the end of the season, all this pain inflicted was meaningless. You can talk all you want at me about Clarke’s *reasons* but all she did was take the path of most destruction towards the same end-point. It was just unnecessary violence caused because she had this desperation to take the wheel.

- all of this works because the writing is always in Clarke’s favour. The show is framed in a way that makes Clarke sympathetic, emphasises how much causing others pain hurts her, and that means that she’s never held to any of these actions, she might get a stern talking to but she’s forgiven insanely easily and allowed to go on with no actual change.

Pr//ncess M//chanic

Unfortunately, from what i’ve gathered, there’s a lot of racism in this one just as there is in Be//arke. I mean the entire nature of the relationship relies on the elevation of Clarke and the narrative power to demote Raven to ‘second best’ and prop over and over again. Raven, a girl who works her ass off to make most of the victories in the show possible, actually spoke the words “she saved us again” after launching a pod from an exploding planet into space and fixing the ark while space walking. It’s mindblowing. Raven’s (and others’) successes are handed to Clarke on a silver platter and we’re just meant to eat that up and blindly accept that Clarke is our one true saviour. I’m not going into this because it makes me feel sick and Raven deserved better.

Unrelated thoughts:

I don’t see their relationship as friendly at all post-season two. I got the impression Raven actually didn’t like Clarke, but it was all very complicated.

I also think it’s terribly convinient Raven never found out the true nature of Clarke’s relationship with Lexa because I don’t believe she would’ve ever been okay about Clarke again if she had (if the writers were going for realistic).

Madi/Clarke/Abby

Clarke strapped a torture device around her daughter’s neck for means of control and activated it under the guise of protection and that isn’t okay in any world or any context. Madi is a little girl who is dependant on Clarke and Clarke betrayed that trust. Those shock collars were used on her early in the season, she experienced the torture herself and still used it on her child. A lot of Clarke’s more unfavourable and/or unhealthy behaviours and characteristic are also present in Abby, which leads me to believe those are a product of her upbringing. Like mother like daughter, Abby also electrocuted Raven. Abby and Clarke have this strange rival-like relationship and I find it particularly cold, maybe because they’re so similar.

Abby and Raven

Abby has physically harmed Raven more than once. Out of anger and spite, or out of desperation. People hurting each other on this show is pretty standard and while this isn’t as overwhelming a mistreatment compared to others, her hitting Raven while she was acting chancellor was a pretty gross abuse of power. Its a visual display, with Abby’s imposing figure looming over a sitting and emotionally vulnerable Raven. We’re supposed to view this, i think, as mother-daughter. Abby says very early season one that Raven reminds her of Clarke, but she’s never shown treating Clarke in the way she does Raven. I liked the relationship during season one. From then and with Abby’s slow descent into villainy, not so much.

Ontari and Murphy

*She raped him. Next.

Cl//phy

Clarke is a cause/reason, whether direct or indirect, of a huge chunk of Murphy’s suffering, all of which she’s never been held accountable for due to Murphy’s position as undesirable. I, along with Murphy, had to be told she cares about him in season six because her otherwise complete disregard for his life has been pretty apparent.

Notable mention:

Chaining up him and Emori like dogs and promising to sacrifice the woman he loves, against her will, for the greater good after he saved her life. He has to beg her, plead with her and her almighty god complex, and it’s all quite uncomfortable and eery. (She later draws a picture of this event in her sketchbook which is…kinda weird.) And, in true Clarke fashion, she refuses to accept responsibility for this action and hides behind the same old trend of gaslighting and screaming “i had to!!!” I can’t root for a friendship between these two no matter how fun their back-and-forth can be. Especially since I can’t recall a single time they’ve shared a nice moment. Oh, and here’s a post about why Clarke and Murphy will never bond over isolation and survival.

*The clashing of Ontari and Murphy’s personalities was hilarious and I enjoyed watching them on screen together.

[hi-i-am-turtle-the-tortoise]

I was tagged by @zarryiscanon to jot down points I like about myself...well, I tweaked it a bit to:

5 Things I love about myself:

1) I have a very strong sense of right vs wrong and stand up for what is right even if that means the whole world, and I mean literally 99% of inhabitants of my social world hate on me for it. I cannot stand injustice, and would fight against it no matter what. Something which probably scares people,but more so definitely makes them uncomfortable, especially if they decide to let things be and go with the flow no matter how unjust it is.

2) I actively stay away from the herd mentality.

I've fallen off the wagon quite a lot of times, but in the end I somehow or the other do end up deciding against going with the herd, as 9/10 times it turns out to be a sure shot recipe for ...well..not failure exactly...but mediocrity. At least my definition of it.

Which brings me to...

3)Living and being comfortable in my own skin. A very recent development, work still in progress, but I'm proud of how its going.

I hold nobody accountable for my decisions in life except for me and me only. Tough job as i often bungle up and twist myself into a mental twister of my own making, but well, it is of my own making and evem though quite unpleasant, I have total control over it. Not a puppet controlled by the strings of societal norms and niceties.

4) well, obviously by now it is quite clear that this is basically an excerpt from the diary of a social Pariah...

So it is quite fitting that point no.4 in this list is my close group of loved ones.

My amazingly imperfect family, a nerdy owl like bestie ...and the love of my life who is literally my moral compass in all situations...i could and would do anything to protect them . I love them to bits, and really am thankful to them for staying around and keeping me sane in insane situations.

Why is this a featurette in this list of "points omI love about myself" you ask....well, that's cuz everything I love about myself stems from my love for them. They ARE my life!

5) despite what all the aggressive and fierce talk above may portray me as...

I am a softie at heart. A beautifully fragile, gentle, and empathetic person whose own empathy comes back to bite me in my butt, very frequently.

And lately, I am trying to be forgiving as well

And no, I'm not saying this to earn any brownie points out here...cuz lets face it... I'm anonymous, and so are you aka.the reader, assuming there is a reader, as for most purposes, I'm jotting this down as a self-love project that I'm on. (Something to give me a popeye-and-his-spinach-like boost during tough times, cuz folks, times are tough and they are getting tougher and tougher)

But yeah...I digress.

I have haters. Many. Please do not underestimate the word "many" when I say it because I legit mean MANY.And tbh, I do not know why...no.. actually I do, its just I feel people lack perspective and are acting out like 5 yesr olds who discovered a broken crayon during an art class they dont even like to attend.

I digress...again.

So yeah, I have haters, I have been at the recieving end of many many hurtful, vile, jealosy filled toxic emotions and experiences.... mistrust, accusation of lying, blah blah...you name it , and I got it girl.

But yeah, in the core of it all, despite, the current atmosphere literally tearing me from within( yeah, im not that ruff n tuff ... surprise surprise),i forgive each and every one of them because I know they are just lashing out. Its human nature. Projection of self insecurities and shortcomings ontu a target, generally the one trending (remember the taylor swift hate days...yups...that)

And I completely understand that. Times are tough. For me as well as them. But if both sides keep fighting, there is going to be no end. They can compulsively crush me socially, but I forgive them for it as I choose to.

No im not all saint like or achieving nirvana or zen or anything. Far from it.

It affects me. Deeply.

I cry myself to sleep each and every night. I am dangerously close to my breaking point and can cave in any moment (even while I type).

But remember point no.1,2 and 3....

I am my own person, and I choose to forgive them as that's the only way I can feel a tiny bit of sanity in this crazy situation. People whom I considered damn close to my heart, I still do, and I would still do anything for, were damn hurtful. Some expectedly, some u expectedly.

Unfortunately, this chaos is bringing out the worst in people.

But I am choosing not to. Every day I wake up to a fresh bout of accusations and hurt, I choose to mentally be kind to them, try to understand their pain as it sure must be 10x worse than mine for them to be so harsh.

I choose to forgive. Not made it to the forget part of the deal, but getting there...

Its one of the hardest projects I've undertaken, but that's where my tiny entourage of loved ones come in. The only support system i can and am blindly falling back upon.

I have fallen, I am falling and i will definitely fall multiple times before I'm gone, but that's how I learnt how to ride a bicycle... a lesson ingrained in me forever.

This was wayyy longer than I meant it to be.

To whoever reaches the end of this post, first of all, congratulations! i commend you on your attention span.

Secondly, consider yourself nominated to carry on the chain.

Go ahead and type your heart and guts out.

If nothing, this will stand as a reminder on your blog on a rainy day, as to why you are the best person you could have ever met. It certainly helped me during one of my mini solo breakdowns.

Love yourself folks... you are all you have, and all you will ever need!

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[almostdeaddepression]

This is the start of something NEW

So ive decided to start a blog as sort of a diary of sorts. I dont plan on telling anyone about it, simply because its my diary and im using this as a sort of venting technique. Basically..... I am 22 and my depression is taking over my soul. I walk through life as a shell of my former self. I used to be outgoing, had many friends, always down to go out and have a good time. I was the picturesque version of myself, a true extrovert. I was energized about just the thought of going out and seeing the world, now however, i would rather sleep 20 hours a day and stay at home. I have to trick myself to shower most days and i can go several days without showering. I constantly feel like im on the verge of crying and collapsing into a pile on the floor. Ive always been “fat” but ive gained so much weight in the past few months that my belly now hangs so low it covers my pubic region. My acne has come back with a force. And im generally very unattractive.

Im not sure what compelled me to start a blog, ive just been in a situation where if i don’t do something soon to kind of let things out I might just end up in a very dark place. I feel as though my life has fallen to the lowest point it has ever been. 

recently, my life has drastically changed. I was living in a nice house with a majority of my bills paid for by my father. I lived with my sister and our two cats and two dogs. It was an arrangement that my father had made for my sister and I while we completed college. Although i know i was lucky I took complete advantage of my situation, I also worked a part time job to pay for the little bills I did actually have, And on a real note, i LOVE my job. I truly do its easy and fun and i get to work in the media. It was a GREAT situation. However, things changed.

My sister moved her boyfriend into our home. This boy shes known for less than a year is now her “fiance” and he absolutely ruined the relationship between my sister and I. We went from being the best of friends to the absolute picture of enemies. we would fight on the daily. And with him moving in, I became a stranger in my own home. I believe this is when the depression really Started. But, this part of my story will, im sure, be elaborated on in the future, 

Because of this boy my father kicked me out of my home. I had recently gone on vacation and did not recieve a paycheck because of my time away. I had less than a week to find a new home for not only me but my cat and dog. I opted to live with a friend and moved out within three days, I was left with essentially nothing. No car, no phone, no place to live. And my family felt nothing. they cut contact with me. my only two family members for thousands of miles. I moved into a friends basement. her unfinished, dirty, prone to flooding, leaking, basement simply because she had a yard for my dog. I made it work, but i couldn't afford it, $300 a month for rent and pet fee. and to put it into perspective, i make about $300 a month at my job, not that it doesnt pay decently, i just do not get hours, My father left me. abandoned me. I couldnt continue school because he was paying for it. 

My life was a blessing and i was extremely appreciatiative for everything my father did for me. i called him and told him often. but i was essentially stranded. my Grandmother sent me a check for two months rent, a pet deposit, and enough for two weeks groceries and a uhaul rental. I now live in a dark basemet with just an uncovered lightbulb for light. I did it for my pets. 

I am depressed. Ive applied for other jobs to help pay for bills, and i mean ive really REALLY applied for jobs. in the past month ive probably applied for 20+ jobs online and in person. ive asked for more hours. And with each failure I feel myself going deeper and deeper into my depression. I feel myself being engulfed in, not quite saddness, just emptiness. I no longer recognize who I am anymore. I think about suicide as a way out often. I wonder what it would be like if I owned a gun. I think about how many pills it would take to knock me out forever. I wonder what would happen if I ran into traffic, or ran away from it all. Really, the only thing keeping me here is the thought that if I die.... where would my pets go? Also im sure im too chickenshit to go through with it. I wouldnt consider myself to be religious but growing up religious, you always have that small inkling in the back of your mind that maybe God does exist. Ive prayed. so much. because i just dont know what else to do. I wouldnt say i want to kill myself, but im suicidal. 

Ive reached out to friends, ive had a therapist at one point but i can no longer afford it. and my friends see im no longer the person I was. they no longer invite me out. Im no longer the person i was and that makes me less fun to hang out with. I sleep all the time. i will lay in ed for hours thinking about how much id just not like to be here. Ive worn a ring my grandmother bought me for the past month and i wonder if somehow this ring is cursed? I hate myself. I hate everything i am. i hate who ive become. 

I’m not looking for sympathy. im not looking for a way out. I’m just looking for somewhere to vent because honestly i feel like i might have a breakdown if I dont. Again, I intend to use this blog as sort of a diary of my life and what im feeling. Posting it in hopes that someone might relate and feel like things aernt as strange or uncommon. Id also be happy if nobody read this.I am one of those people that is here for everyone if they need to talk, but i feel like im drowning in a pit of darkness and solitude myself. This is my story. the raw, real, truth. This is my blog, my true, unfiltered feelings and emotions. my short escape from depression and solitude. This is my life. ... to be continued.

[misspeterparker]

Paper Cut (Peter Parker x Reader)

Summary: Ever since Peter Parker was inflicted with the infamous spider bite, he has had trouble adjusting to the changes that come with adopting the superhero life. The stress is getting to him, and (Y/N) is noticing. Big time.

Warnings: Mentions of anxiety, minor swearing, minor mentions of blood, angst

A/N: So, this is the first fanfic I’m uploading to this site. Hope it’s alright! feel free to message me with tips ‘n stuff ‘cause trust me, I need all the help i can get. Hope you enjoy! (Also please request stuff, I love you) (... I kinda... I’m... eh... @peeterparkr tips pls?)

Genre: Mainly Angst, Little Fluff

(Gif: https://th.blogcrib.com/2017/10/07/damnsebstom-holland-as-peter-parker-in-spider-man-homecoming/)

You feel a sharp pinch on the tip of your smallest finger followed by the warm feeling and metallic smell of blood dripping down onto your psychology textbook. In that moment, the slight tingling was the only sensation that drew you from your trance; You had spent hours studying, not once even bothering to look up towards Peter who was seated at the desk beside your bed, books sprawled out on the wooden surface around him. It wasn’t a big deal; just a small slit which was practically invisible and extremely superficial. At least, that was your train of thought, contrary to that of your best friend, Peter Parker’s.

“Oh my god, (Y/N) a-are you okay? You’re bleeding!” He stood up from his position at your desk and rushed over to you on the bed, taking ahold of your injured appendage and examining it thoroughly. The look of concern on his face was immediately visible. You laughed tenderly, gazing at his disheartened expression. The way his eyebrows pulled together forming a deep set of wrinkles tugged at your heartstrings. He was so adorable sometimes.

“Peter, I’m fine. It’s just a paper cut.” His feelings refused to dissipate, his head lifting up to look into your eyes. His gaze held only one emotion: pure fear.

Your eyebrows furrowed at his expression. Peter’s ever growing anxiety hadn’t been something you’d overlooked and it seemed to be getting worse as time went on.

You began to notice Peter’s prominent paranoia a few months back, at the beginning of the second semester. It was a normal Tuesday, like any other. Peter had seemed a little more on edge than usual, but you didn’t question it. It was all in the hormones. His new found six pack and sudden lack of glasses were a strange addition to the boy’s identity. But, you didn’t question it too much. Puberty does wonders. After all, it turned you from a flat chested child into a woman with a new set of “friends”.

Just as it was a normal Tuesday, the time came for you and your friends to have a normal lunch period spent studying and debating whether Harry really belonged in Gryffindor to begin with. As the debate got heated, Ned, one of your best friends, had dropped one of his many AP textbooks onto the epoxy cafeteria floor, triggering a violent clatter at his feet earning a small squeal from your lips, but an even bigger reaction from the boy across from you.

The large clamor set Peter off in a way neither you nor Ned had ever witnessed before. The boy jumped up from his seat, his eyes growing large and wide, and let out an animalistic noise of terror - one that you couldn’t compare to any sound you’ve heard before. It felt as though the world had stopped for that moment, as the lunchroom grew violently quiet, and all eyes were on Peter. You remembered every detail like a scene of a movie; The trickling sweat down the back of Peter’s neck, the tears that pricked at the corners of his exhausted, brown eyes, how his fists clenched so tight that his knuckles were in danger of splitting, and the paleness of his fear-struck face as he stared down at the fallen book. He was a deer in the headlights - absolutely terrified to the core.

And the whole lunchroom witnessed his moment of weakness.

The moment seemed to drag on for a lifetime, each second becoming agonizingly long. Quiet murmurs begin to spread throughout the room, all about Peter. It was evident by the judging stares of the upperclassmen and the snickers from the mouths of the chatty freshman.

“Jesus, someone put that thing out of its misery.”

“I would’ve thought someone was dying. A little over dramatic much?”

“Penis Parker’s more of a chicken than I thought.”

The constant whispers were the cherry on top - talk about adding insult to injury. You looked up at Peter who was still standing, his eyes never leaving the fallen book. The tears that threatened to fall finally fulfilled their promises and were stained on his now red cheeks.

“Peter…” You tried to reach out and touch his hand, but he reeled back, not missing a beat, and ran out of the cafeteria.

You didn’t see him for the rest of that day.

“I-I’m sorry…” Defeated, Peter fell to his knees. He held your hand and rested his forehead against it.

“Hey… Peter…” you began. Your words were cut short by the sounds of sobbing; The wetness of his tears fell into your lap, dotting your grey colored jeans. “Peter! Hey! Don’t cry!” It was a stupid thing to say and you regretted it immediately, but you didn’t know what else to do. You've never had seen your best friend like this before; his fragile state created a pang in your chest, the feeling of helplessness took over your mind - what could you possibly do? You were never good at this sort of thing, and you preferred to cry in the comfort of your own room; You didn’t have this sort of experience with others. How does one comfort a crying friend? “Peter, it’s going to be okay,” you say, not expecting him to believe it.

His arms found their way around your waist, pulling your body close with his face buried into the fabric of your hoodie. You stiffened at the action, but when he didn’t pull away you tangled your fingers into his curly locks of hair. “Shhhhh… It’s all going to be alright… look, I’m fine… see?” You placed the palm of your hand under his chin and lifted until his head craned up to look at you. You kissed your finger right where the paper made its mark, the split skin already beginning to scab over, and you smiled. “It’s already healing… it doesn’t even hurt anymore! I’m fine, Pete… I really am.” He remained silent as he gazed upon your finger. The streets of New York were busy, being the only ambience provided in the dimly lit room. His eyes closed, taking in the sound of an ambulance rushing by, sirens blazing in the evening air.

In the silence between you, your mind wandered back to another memory, the time you walked in on Peter stressing about an upcoming chemistry test. His hand raked through his hair, creating a fluffy mess upon his head as he paced back and forth in his room, mumbling to himself about “stupid formulas” and how he could “never learn all this shit in one week.” Chemistry was his best subject. It was extremely odd for him to be stressing over an exam in that class - usually he was quite excited for them. He loved to put everything he had learned in the past few weeks to good use as he had described to you many times in the past. However, this time was different. For whatever reason, the room reeked of sweat, clothes littered the floor, and a pile of red bull cans were cramped into the tiny trash bin by his bed, some threatening to spill out onto the space beside it due to the can’s overflowed state.

“Peter, what’s going on?” You asked. He turned to look at you. His face appeared as though he had aged ten years and the dark bags under his eyes weren’t serving him any justice. He looked horrible.

“It’s this st-stupid formula! No matter what I try, the results just come out all the same! This is dumb! I’m dumb…” He punctuated his declaration with a flop onto his bed which creaked under the sudden weight. His eyes fluttered closed as a groan escaped from his lips, as he took a deep breath, making a great effort to calm his nerves. It was worrying.

“What do you mean, Pete? You’re not dumb!” You crossed the room and took a seat beside him on the bed. “You’re so good at chem! It’s just one problem. I’m sure with a little grit and elbow grease, we can figure this one out together. What do ya say?”

Silence.

“Peter?”

Still, no response.

Frustrated, you looked at the boy, about to go off on his annoying ass attitude when you heard a soft snore sneak it’s way out.

Oh.

He fell asleep. This was odd, not to mention sudden, considering the fact that he was on the verge of a mental breakdown just moments before. Your breathing soon fell into rhythm with the relaxed rise and fall of his chest. Giving up, you took a look at the papers on his desk.

“Super Secret Fluid Formula”

Super secret what? Whatever that was, it was a concept you had never learned in class before. Crap. If Peter was having a difficult time grasping the concept, then you definitely knew that you would bomb it. With that note, you frantically made your way home to study the new found information.

It never appeared on the test. Your teacher cut it out last minute. Great news for Peter, right?

The heat on your stomach left as soon as the boy rose from his spot.

“Yeah… I’m… Im sorry, (Y/N)... I overreacted…”

“It’s alright, Peter, I understand,” You lied. The reality was you didn’t understand, not in the slightest, and you weren’t sure you ever would. But you most definitely weren’t about to tell him that. It would most likely add salt to the wound which you were not at all looking to do.

“Thank you…” His eyes found yours. “I’m just… I’m so afraid… that one day I’m gonna lose you…” Another silent tear fell down his face. Looking deep into his gaze, you knew. He was broken.

“Peter, listen,” your hands found his face instinctively, and they cupped his cheeks. “I don’t know what’s going on with you - and maybe I never will - but just know that I’m always here to talk. No matter what. As long as I’m still breathin’, I’m never going to leave you. Do you hear me? You’re not gonna lose me. Ever. I’m your best friend, my guy… I love you and I will never let anything hurt you. And I’m pretty damn good at protecting myself too. Got it? Now, I don’t know what’s gotten into you… You've been acting off for so many weeks now. Just know, that whenever you’re ready to talk, tell me what’s bothering you and I’ll be sure to kick it in the ass for ya! Scare it right outta town!” This drew a small chuckle out of him. Peter looked at you, slightly amused.

“Thank you… I’m sure you’re intimidating enough to… kick it in the ass? What?”

“Well, ‘kick its ass’ is overused and boring. Plus, the alternative got a laugh outta ya, didn’t it? That was the goal.”

“Yeah, I guess…” He stared at you. The broken brown eyes, red and bloodshot from tears, pierced yours. Your (E/C) eyes met his. “You’re never going to leave me, right..? No matter what…?” He leaned closer to your lips, his gaze never breaking and your breath hitched in your throat, cheeks dusted with a brilliant shade of pink at his proximity.

“Never…” he smiled. He leaned in even closer, his breath landing on your lips, your body aching with anticipation.

“Is this okay…?” He asked. You nodded. All of your feelings that have built up over the past months rushed to your chest - feelings of love and admiration, fear and denial, worry and longing all flooded your heart pounding in your ears, rhythmically like the beat of a drum. His lips brushed over yours, daring to touch. Your eyes fluttered close. “Can I…?” And with that, your lips crashed into his, an eruption of pure bliss exploded in your chests, craving and wanting to taste the other, deeper and fuller and seemingly bursting with light. His hands found your waist and yours found his hair and the colliding of embraces was all too perfect. It was astonishing. It was breathtaking. It was amazing. With one final kiss, his lips separated from yours, your eyes opening to meet his soft gaze, no longer full of fear, but instead full of awestucking love. Your hand found his. His lips curled upwards.

And for once, after a very long time,

all was calm.

[kirbysmasher48]

Lonliness

TW // Suicide mention (wow im actually using TW without irony... who thought that would happen lmao)

You know, over the past 5 or so months, I Had absolutely struggled the hardest I ever have in life; for the first two months, I suffered in silence, and not a single person knew what was going on. Some people had noticed but never really asked if I was doing okay; of course, I would have said "I'm doing fine" anyways, but I really have to thank my friend goob for listing to me when I had a mental breakdown, it was really sudden from his point of view because before this point I was a very jolly and silly guy. However, what had occurred was I had not slept for about 3 to 4 days at this point out of stress and other mental things, I had not been at school for about a month at this point, and he had known, but not as to why. he asks, "why aren't you at school, little guy" (of course in a jokey way, not intended to insult or upset me), but I had just kind of lost it and broke down crying and screaming... now I'm not much of an open guy, so this really shocked him. But instead of just ignoring it and going on, he stayed and listened to me. After about 2 hours of crying out and just saying EVERYTHING that had been going on in my mind, he stayed with me and calmed me down. Let me tell him about all the trauma I had experienced, all the stress I was taken from school, etc., etc. I had even told him about my plans to kill myself; I had genuinely planned on doing it. But thankfully, he was there to talk me out of it. If it was not for him, I would not likely be here right now. He's been with me, helping me sense than in a way no one ever has before; it really really was nice to have a good friend talk to you while you lose it... about 2 months ago, my school finally let me get what I needed after 9 months of begging (it only got really really bad at the beginning of the year, up intill that point I could handle myself well enough) eventually I was able to catch up with the help of him, he would help calm me down when I have a panic attack and actually going fucking insane, I do not know how he was able to keep calm during that, it must have too have been really really scary that someones mental health was being supported by only one guy... eventually as the tides had lowered and things started to calm down. I was able to get from straight F's in every single class to B's in all of them... I then graduated about a week ago or so... I look back and sometimes reflect on how it was. have you ever been in a state where you can't really process how bad something is due to its extremity? That's what it feels like. It's like I'm looking at a wall that just goes up and never ends, and somehow we were able to get over it. It scares me when I look back... but I have to say. I think it was overall a good thing; in its own weird demented way, it taught me that it's okay to be more open about your emotions... I used to have a habit where I would bottle it up. But I mean extremely, like a volcano that's been sealed by the earth, and it had caused me to get to such a bad mental place I had genuinely considered suicide, I have sense burned my note... I'm glad I don't remember what it said on it... but I will say now, I am very, very happy. I'm glad its over, and I coldent have done it wouth him... please anyone reading this, be open about your emotions no matter how negative they are, and if you belive you cant, try and find a professional... i admit it was not smart of me to rely to dump all of my stuff on him, I had told me after the whole ordeal that it had actually caused him quite a bit of stress, but I cannot thank him enough for supporting me not matter what.