ongaku-ato-kakikomi

[your-average-teenage-mess]

The first time I read discworld as a kid, I never really realized what the whole "if you are asked to find the real you in a maze of mirrors, ignore them all and look down, and that is you" thing was supposed to mean. I thought it was kinda weird and pretentious. Why are you avoiding the question?

But now that I've actually experienced some of the identity crises that you encounter when growing up, it makes so much more sense. It actually makes more sense now than it did back then, to people who grew up in a post-social-media world. You're constantly presented with esthetics and identities to give yourself a sense of meaning, you're supposed to place yourself on every imaginary scale someone made just because, and while that can be fun, there's this added expectation to assign your sense of self to an image someone else made, if you feel like it resonates with you. And... That's especially true with gender. Trans people online have this constant pressure on us to "find our truth" and care oh so deeply about it, but then algorithms start marketing curated pictures of our identities to us, to find pride in it. We're supposed to look at a list of tiktoks about our microlabel and think, "those are my people and I'm proud to be one of them". And don't even get me started on the concept of gender envy. Like, you're supposed to look at something that has nothing to do with you, and assign your identity to this thing, which surely doesn't help the fact that young people are now collectively paralyzed by a lack of sense of self. And I'm not saying any of those things are inherently bad or invalid- we all look at mirrors to examine ourselves, and that's FINE. But the person you ARE isn't gonna come to you in a dream, or an essay, or a post, or a reflection. It's in you. Your sense of self isn't a riddle to be solved, it's just who YOU are. This isn't to say you shouldn't do things that make you feel happy or authentic. But those things don't define you. Nothing that you do or experience would make you no longer you if changed, and that's okay. You're not your body, or your clothes, or your attitude, or your job, or your abilities, or your fandoms, or your diagnosis. You can love them, and hopefully you do, but they're not you. You're you. You're the perspective that experiences the world around you. You're the thing under your mind that feels. Please don't forget that.

[cupcakeshakesnake]

As far as society is concerned, you are a chimpanzee.

[pixieverse-icedtea]

i want to meet myself from someone else's point of view

[csms-jpg]

Everything around you

[lifeis0k-blog]

Hey, that's a cool personality you have there. Mind if I take bits and pieces from it to make my own because I have no sense of self?

[creatingnikki]

does the fact I drink and smoke change your perception of me?

I'll have to think about that.

Okay.

Are you okay?

I don't know, I guess it makes me a bit sad.

Why? Ultimately, my perception of you shouldn't matter. As long as you're okay with your perception of you.

And that hit me like a knife. Why? Because I know you are right. But I wanted your words to soothe me; I wanted to be accepted by you even if not by me.

But you aren't someone who will say words mindlessly, are you? You aren't someone who will answer lightly when you know I've asked something sincerely.

That's why I like you. Yes, I do. I like you.

And I love the sound of your laughter. I love the way you blush when I say something sexual. I love how you're my green sapling.

I do not know if you're a green forest. I do not know if you're my future. But I know this — you're someone I want to make laugh and you're someone I want to be kissed by. I know that you're someone I want to be patient with and someone I want to allow myself to heal in the presence of. This much I know, if nothing else.

I won't make myself another drink, I won't ask you another question tonight. 나중에. 다 나중에. 지금은 계속 우리가 되자구요. Later. All of it later. For now, let's continue being us.

[mirroredroads]

in your own words... who are you? no one at all. Miss Ruby Williams (1928-2022) "Untitled" / Kaveh Akbar, "Calling a Wolf a Wolf" / Hearts of Darkness (1991) dir. Eleanor Coppola, George Hickenlooper, Fax Bahr / Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own (1929) / @haleyincarnate 's collage / Sophocles, Elektra, trans. Anne Carson [1123-1140]

[multiplicity-positivity]

Here’s some positivity for identity-less headmates!

For many system members, having a solid or even partial sense of self can feel nearly impossible. Whether traits and interests fail to stick, dissociation-related issues complicate the process of forging an identity, or anything else causes difficulties with having an identity, many headmates may find that they can’t or don’t want to have much of an identity at all. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this! And this post is for those headmates with little to no sense of identity!

🌫 Shoutout to headmates without names, who can’t ever settle on a name, or who have a name that they really don’t like, connect, or identify with!

☁️ Shoutout to headmates who struggle to find hobbies and interests that hold their attention!

💨 Shoutout to headmates without passions, who often feel empty, unmotivated, or uninspired!

🌫 Shoutout to headmates who desperately want a more rounded out identity, but who haven’t been able to learn anything about themselves!

☁️ Shoutout to headmates whose trauma history has left them feeling like they have no identity or sense of self!

💨 Shoutout to headmates who have no appearance or physical characteristics!

🌫 Shoutout to headmates who are void, mist, fog, static, or whose identities are grounded in the fact that they have no identity!

☁️ Shoutout to headmates who are content with having no identity or sense of self!

💨 Shoutout to headmates who mask as other system members or others outside their system in order to give themselves temporary identities!

🌫 Shoutout to headmates who are symptom holders for dissociation, or for whom dissociation is so bad that they just don’t have an identity at all!

While not having an identity at all may feel confusing, frightening, or disheartening, we want to let you know that it’s okay to just exist as you are. You don’t have to have a well-rounded, steady sense of self in order to be loved, cherished, and cared for! You are a valid and important member of your system just the way you are, and you don’t have to change or adopt any sort of identity in order to be deserving of kindness and respect!

We truly hope you can find that kindness from the headmates in your system and others around you, and can in turn show that kindness to yourself! Know that it’s okay to not want any sort of identity, this doesn’t make you a bad person or less of a member of your system! And if you do wish your identity was more solid, we have full faith that you will be able to achieve this in the future. We hope you can take care of yourselves, and have a great day!

[autopsyfreak]

having to make changes to my appearance every so often, no matter how big or small those changes are, just to feel like i have some sort of control over my lack of a sense of self

[schizoid-hikikomori]

I used to do personality tests a lot, looking for something to tell me who I really am, an answer that's satisfying.

People would describe me and it never felt real, but who was I to dispute it?

I never felt like I knew who I was and every description of me, from golden admiration to scathing hatred, never felt like it was me.

[luchicm04]

Remember that AI filter that makes everything look old abandoned and devastated? Well, I wanted to give it a shot here and man... is this how a dead mind looks like?

like or reblog if you save/use.

[wordsofwisdomandsoul]

[yourspiritguide-quotes]

You don’t have to be a philosopher; you just have to want to know who you are

- Padmasambhava

[perplexingluciddreams]

not know myself

can't pick shoes. want new frames for next glasses but absolutely no idea what i want. and can't make decisions based on feelings/opinions, because I Don't Know what my feelings/opinions ARE to begin with.

and have major limits about what can sensory tolerate for clothes and glasses and shoes. and everything. (and limited options for shoes because AFOs have to fit).

---

i told Mum about shoes:

makes me anxious about the decision and not knowing what i like.

i think you should just choose what is best. because i can't make a decision. i don't even know what my opinion is on any of it

and it just makes me upset and frustrated that i don't know

and choosing is hard and options are overwhelming

other than that i have no idea what i like/want and it just makes me anxious to try and think about it

---

later texts to Mum about clothes and brain fixate on this topic:

right now always really wondering about "what do i even like?" and my brain is very obsessive about it currently. so always looking at different clothes and colours and styles and stuff.

it is hard right now in my brain.

only thing i know about what i like for clothes (other than necessary requirement of be sensory friendly), is that i like to match top and bottom. so i don't like to mix and match pyjama sets.

that is literally all i know about myself with what i like for clothes

---

now new shoes are coming and i hate it i don't want them i think i already don't like them. don't want to wear them. wish i didn't have to think about it.

i can't fucking decide what i like or know what my feelings about it is. but right now already think i hate them don't want them. and wish they would not fit AFOs so they get sent back.

[xxstargirl27xx]

lost my sense of self

[lndlkat]

I genuinely do not know how to feel about my face, or my body for that matter. Am I ugly or beautiful I may never know the answer