#and now i am anxious and angry and today's one of those days where the university feels like it's going to eat me alive

[mediocrefruitlover]

I'm so angry right now and nothing is helping

[thepersonnamedsam]

hello! i was hoping I could request something between gen z reader x the grid where she gets an anxiety attack or gets really anxious during press and how they would react or try to help her, could be due to something about the race or personal, love uuu<3

you’re gonna go far

pairing: the genz!driver x '23!grid

summary: social anxiety and social stuff don’t mix very well

word count: 2.3k

warnings: anxiety attack, angst, sexist comments

note: hiya!! yk i love your requests!! thank u <3

i have social anxiety myself, it’s written from my perspective - anxiety is experienced very different, pls remember that! and pls respect anyone who is experiencing anxiety or any mental disorder that is!

masterlist / taglist

We ain’t angry at you, love, you’re the greatest thing we‘ve lost.

The song blasted through her ears, tears started forming in her eyes. She missed home, so, so much. She felt guilty to leave all her friends and family at home to pursue her dreams. And this song, written by the brilliant Noah Kahan, just always made her cry and think about her hometown.

Well, maybe not always, mostly the days her anxiety sparks up - and today was one of those days. Usually media didn’t stress her out, but today was different. Her mood shifted and hyper sensitive, overstimulated and overwhelmed. And she usually had someone she trusted by her side at media, but not today. Today was just shit.

Paired with Lance, Kevin, Sergio and Niko, she just wished the day would be over. She was just glad that Daniel, Max, Oscar and Lewis would be after her, they would maybe wait for them to finish, so she could see them.

She was trying to help her calm down. Thinking about good possibilities and not bad ones. Not about how she would sit stiff and uncomfortable between Lance and Sergio. Or how she and Niko never really got along. Or how she couldn’t seek refuge in a known face. Or how she had to answer all the questions by herself and not have Max there to defend her and be her bodyguard. 

And she was doing it again.

What was she gonna do? Breath, just breath - that’s what she told herself. She was in desperate need for a break. She knew what she was getting herself into, but it was still so very much. She was glad that Hungary was the second last race before the summer pause. She would go home, maybe vacation a bit, but definitely head home and see her friends and family.

Her feet dragged her through the media pit against her will. She didn’t want to go there, she just wanted to curl up in her bed with a good book and some music. Her headphones still present on her head, at least she had her music.

She was so focused on the words of You’re gonna go far that she didn’t see Lance in her peripheral vision. He patted her on her back and she flinched as he passed her. He gave her a funny look as she just gave him a shy smile.

She sighed, she didn’t know how she could face this day. She wished she had Lewis or Max or Danny by her side, someone to lean on, someone who would protect her and help her out. But she was all alone in this world right now. That’s what she thought at least.

Sat next to her was Kevin and Sergio. Her leg was bouncing, her fingers couldn’t stop picking at her nails. Her breathing was fast. She knew that things would turn out bad pretty fast. She just knew it.

„So, the next question is for y/n. Seeing as you’re the only woman on the grid, do you feel intimidated by all of the men or do you actually like the challenge?“

Her mind raced. What? She wished for Max who would give a sassy comeback or for Lewis to out the comment as borderline sexist. Or just anyone to stand up for her at that moment, but no one did.

„Uh, thank you for your question. Uhm, I am not the only woman on the grid. There are lots of women working behind the scenes - mechanics, engineers, catering, strategists, everything. So, to answer your question, no, I don’t feel intimidated, because I know that I come from a powerful gender.“

Her answer was clip and clear, not even her voice was shaking, which she half expected to. But the interviewer grew visibly irritated.

„Can you go into it a bit more? Or could you please comment on the statement Christian Horner did? Here, I’ll refresh your mind: F1 is bringing in a young generation. It’s bringing in a lot of young girls because of all these great-looking young drivers.“

What had that to do with his question beforehand? Horner made that statement a longer time ago?

„Uhm yes, obviously we all know Christian by now, don’t we?“, she nervously laughed. „But uhm, he is obviously still wrong, like I originally commented when he first made that statement“ Her eyes were searching for something or someone familiar, but she couldn’t. Her vision occupied by interviewers and flashing cameras.

Her breath started to get faster, She tried to breath through her nose, not make it too obvious that she was having a moment. This would make headlines. Female driver gets anxiety attack whilst commenting on sexist statements.

Why wasn’t Lewis there? He knew what to do. He had caught her like this before - breathing rapid, fists clenched and fingers white. Eyes not focusing on anything particular and her chest heaving up and down from all her heavy breathing.

It was after she had found out that people were speculating about her - specifically that she had to sleep with her or any team principal to get her seat in F1. Her head was leaned against the wall, her knees pulled to her chest and her body was rocking back and forth.

„y/n, y/n, listen, look at me. Listen to me, can you please look at me, love?“, he pleaded. And when she finally did, Lewis let out a breath of relief. „Okay, look at me, darling, and follow my breathing, yes? It’s easy, you can do it, I believe in you.“

He grabbed her hands and put them to his own chest, so she could feel his breathing. Feel his calm heartbeat, even though he felt anything opposite calm. He looked her deep into her eyes and tried to reassure that everything was going to be alright.

„You’re gonna go far, y/n, listen to me, I know it, you’re gonna make it far.“

Her breathing had normalised and the tears stuck in her eyes, finally flowed down her cheeks. The soon turned into full on sobs and the older driver hugged the younger one. Embracing her and reassuring her, that none of the drivers would have believed the tabloids - they’ve seen her driving and know very well why she got offered her seat in F1.

She had thanked him about a thousand times and made him promise not to ever tell anyone. But if somebody else knew, maybe they could’ve helped her in this situation.

But luckily for y/n, this was all broadcast live, well, maybe not for her per se, because she knew about too many people were watching her lose herself on live television and her PR manager couldn’t just pull some magic strings to not have this air, but what she didn’t know was, that Seb was watching - her specifically.

And he did the only reasonable thing he could do, he called Lewis.

„Hey dude, what’s up? Haven’t heard from you in a long time. How’s retirement treating you?“ Lewis had a lot of questions for the German. The later laughed a bit, but turned serious pretty quickly. „Listen, I’m watching the pre-race interviews right now-“ Lewis interrupted him: „Yeah? I’m on next, you should definitely wait and see me on TV then.“

„Yeah that’s great Lew, but y/n is on right now. I think- no I’m pretty sure she’s having an anxiety attack on live television.“

Lewis was silent for a moment. „She is having what?“ - „An anxiety attack, you know what that is? It’s, uhm, when you get too overwhelmed and your psyche tells you that you’re experiencing immense fear at the moment and“, Lewis was tuning him out.

She was having an anxiety attack? Right now? During the pre-race interview? He had to help her.

„I’m on my way, thanks Seb“, and he hung up. He had to get there as fast as he could. Sprinting through the entire paddock to the media pin. On the way he almost crashed into Max, who was also making his way to the pin, Daniel by his side. The only looked at Lewis weird but soon we’re running with him, as he shouted: „It’s y/n!“

They arrived but no one wanted to let them in: „It’s not your turn yet, they’re still going. You have to wait until it’s your turn, you’ll be on in 10.“

„Listen, y/n, if you’re reacting this way to my question, you’re clearly not made for this sport, maybe you should go into something more ladylike, like horseback riding or tennis, at least you’d look pretty there.“

„And you’re clearly not made to interviews, asshole!“

All of them heard, the viewers heard, the drivers heard, the interviewers heard, but y/n was the only one who didn’t hear it.

Maybe you should go into something more ladylike, like horseback riding or tennis, at least you’d look pretty there. That was all she could hear. At least you’d look pretty there.

The other drives next to y/n didn’t know what to do. Their colleague was definitely having a though time, but they didn’t know how to help, they opted to just tilt their heads towards the floor and look just as uncomfortable as everyone in the room did - but no one stood up for her, expect Max.

„Maybe you should just fucking leave this pit before I will bash your disgusting face. Maybe you should scramble and flee. Maybe you should eat your on dick as you seem to like to put tiny and degrading things in your mouth. Maybe-“, Daniel stopped him, Max has said enough and made his point.

Lewis was already making his way up to her. Scooping her up and carrying her out of the pit.

At least you’d look pretty.

The sentence was going through her head like a loop, like a vinyl that’s broken and repeats all the worst parts. She felt like a broken record - cracked and well, broken.

„She‘s hyperventilating“, Danial pointed out. „Yeah no shit, sherlock.“ - „Max, let’s just focus on her right now, okay?“, the seven time world champion told the two time world champion. „Who’s garage is the nearest?“, Lewis asked into the round. „The Ferrari one is the first one on the grid“, Daniel said. „Let’s go then.“

Daniel led the way, fetching Lando on the way, she’d appreciate the support from the youngster. Even though he complained a lot to Danny.

„Don’t look, don’t look, we’re just passing through“, Daniel said as he tried to shield her and Lewis from all the cameras in the Ferrari garage. „What are you guys doing here?“, Carlos questioned, but as soon as he saw the crying mess in Lewis‘ arms he helped Daniel shield y/n. Carlos led them to Charles‘ side of the garage, as he had his closed off for anyone from the outside.

„What’s going on?“, a confused Charles asked the group now standing in his garage. „Charles, we need to go somewhere quiet, is that possible?“, Lewis asked the Ferrari driver. He nodded and led them to his drivers room, even though it was pretty tiny and probably wouldn’t fit all of them in it.

They set y/n on his sofa and Lewis was hovering in front of her. Lando sat on her right side, while Max was on her left. He took her hand in his, squeezing it, so she knew that he was there. „Hey y/n look at me. We’re in Charles‘ drivers room, in the Ferrari garage. Away from the media pit, okay? You’re safe with us now“, Lewis told her. „Breath with us.“

„In and out, just like that, darling, follow Lewis‘ breathing“, Daniel complimented y/n. „You’re doing great, shatje. So, so great. We’re all so proud of you.“

„You can let it all out, we won’t judge you“, Charles told her and just as he did, the dam broke. Her tears fell down onto her knees, she sobbed uncontrollably. She leaned her head on Landos shoulder and he pulled her close into his side. „You’re doing so well, love.“ - „Just keep breathing, don’t forget to breath“, Carlos told her. He was standing in the doorway with Charles, acting as bodyguards.

Danny walked around the room, trying to find something for y/n to drink out of. „Hey Charles, do you have some water or a bottle?“ The driver clad in red reacted fast and brought the Australian a tall glass of water. He brought y/n the glass and she had to stop crying to drink. Afterwards she got the hiccups. „There, there love, everything’s okay“, Lewis took her glass and patted her knee. „Remember what I told you? You’re gonna go far, okay? Don’t let that prick tell you otherwise.“

„At least you’d look pretty there.“

„Huh?“, the room asked, as she mumbled the sentence.

„At least you’d look pretty there. That’s what he said“, she looked up from her seat, to the room full of supporting people. „At least you’d look pretty.“

Max was so angry again, he could’ve killed that man, if it wasn’t for Daniel holding him back. „I am going to kill that man“, Max growled. y/n giggled: „Maxie, don’t, he doesn’t deserve death. He deserves to live a long, pitiful life.“

„We’re glad you’re laughing again, y/n“, Charles said. „Yes, very much so.“ Everyone agreed with Charles. „I love you guys, but how’d you even know that I was having a tough time?“, y/n asked confused. Lewis had to laugh: „Seb called me. Said he saw you on the TV all riled up and ready to cry and that I should already be on my way to help you, but I talked over him the whole time“ He scratched his neck and y/n laughed a loud belly laugh. „That’s so typical!“

°°°

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[borathae]

“Jungkook gets anxious sometimes. And when that happens, he needs your affection more than anything.”

Pairing: CEO!Jungkook x f.Reader

Warnings: anxious Kook, tears, he sucks on her boobs but it’s not even an ounce of sexual

Wordcount: 1.3k

a/n: I couldn’t get the concept of Kookie sucking on her boobs for comfort out of my head so here it is. This is pure comfort and fluff. Also this is very sappy, because I reread some of their chapters and got sappy af about how far they’ve come :( have fun besties ❤

Jungkook worked really late today. So late in fact, that you were already asleep when he came home. You often are with his schedule. You really hate those days. They leave him stressed, tired and sometimes even anxious. And there is no thing on earth you despise more than knowing that your Bunny had a bad day. You already hated it back when you still pretended that he was nothing more than business and you especially hate it these days as his loving wife. It makes you want to protect him from everything and everyone. You want to set the whole world on fire whenever he is feeling cold. You want to darken the sun whenever his eyes hurt because of it. And you would especially love to demolish his company whenever he had a bad day because of it. Truly, if anything or anyone bothered your Jungkookie in any kind of way, your desire for protective violence is raging. 

So when a weak hand shakes you awake that night, followed by a little sniffle, you jolt up ready to fight the world. Not that one can see that you are, as your eyes open comically slowly in sleepiness. But you really are ready to fight the world.

Jungkook is barely visible in the darkness, only the weak shine of his nightlight illuminates him. He uses the light whenever you are sleeping already to find his way to bed and then apply lip balm and hand cream. Tonight it seems that he is using it to see you as well. 

He is pouting. His eyes are puffy and wet from tears and his nose is runny too. 

"What's wrong?" you ask him with a terribly croaky voice, courtesy to the deep sleep you previously had found yourself in. 

"Anxiety attack", he gets out and whimpers, "I, I can’t get it to s-stop."

"I'm here, I’m right here", you are wide awake instantly, propping yourself up on your elbow to scoot closer and kiss his cheek, "I'm right here, Bunny. You’re safe now." 

Jungkook nods his head, chasing your closeness with his trembling fingers twisting the front of your shirt. He’s safe now. Nothing can hurt him anymore because he has you to protect him now.

"I threw up", he confesses and sobs softly, "in, in t-the office. I, I had an attack and, and then I, I threw up b-because it, it was so strong. A-and now I, I can’t get it to, to stop."

"Oh no, I’m so sorry", you gasp, cradling him against your chest, "I fucking hate that you had to. This is the worst fucking feeling. Fuck, my Bunny", you hug him closer, burying your fingers in his hair, "I'm here now. Do you hear me? You’re not alone anymore."

"I really wanted to b-be in your arms, but you were in the exam so I, I didn’t call", he says, shivering like crazy.

"God no, my Bunny", you feel yourself tear up in guilt. Jungkook needed you and you weren’t there for him, "I'm so sorry. I feel so awful. Please call me next time. No matter where I am, you’ll always be the most important priority to me and I'll always come to help." 

Jungkook sobs gratefully. He really needed that reassurance. He didn’t want to call you today, not because he thought that you would be angry, but because he didn’t want to disturb you. He wants you to be able to live your life and for you to be able to experience things like exams and college classes because you never got that when you were younger. And that’s why he didn’t call. Because he didn’t want to be the stupid reason why you had to miss out on such experiences. 

But his anxiety has tortured him to the point where there was almost nothing left of him. And all Jungkook needed was to hear you reassure him that he will always have a shoulder to lean on with you. He needed to hear it. He never stopped believing it, but he still needed to hear it.

He feels better already now that he is resting in your arms and has your gentle touch soothing him. The painful lump in his throat is gone and those everlasting heart palpitations are calming down as well.

"I'm so sorry, my Bunny. I seriously feel awful", you whisper, kissing the shell of his ear softly. 

Jungkook tilts his head up upon hearing the guilt in your voice and feeling the distinct sensation of your tears hitting his skin. Just as he had feared. You are crying, looking so guilty.

"It's not your fault. It’s okay", he whispers, "I love you so much."

"I love you too", you breathe, cupping his cheek, "I'll fight the fucking world to keep you safe" you add, running your thumb over his cheekbone.

Jungkook feels so unworthy of your love sometimes. It’s moments like these that make him feel like this. Moments where he realises that someone like you – someone who spent most of her life fighting for herself with no other person in mind – chooses to fight for him over and over and over again. You chose him. Chose him even if that meant stepping out of your comfort zone. Chose him even if that meant handing over some of your control to which you so obsessively clung to. You fucking chose him. As your family, partner and human for life. And Jungkook will never ever take that for granted. 

"Please don’t fight it, you'll only hurt yourself", he whispers, making you laugh quietly.

"I'll be careful, promise."

Jungkook feels better now that he heard your laugh. His desire to flee from unknown danger ceases to exist and he doesn’t feel so broken anymore.

"I adore you so much", he whispers.

"I adore you too", you tell him, leaning down to kiss his cheek, "my Bunny."

Overwhelmed by his emotions, Jungkook seeks you out, nose brushing against your breasts and fingers traveling to your chest. He hopes that you will understand for he feels too weak to speak.

You rest back on your pillow. Knowing very well what his gesture means, you unbutton your shirt wordlessly. You open it until the button where he can comfortably reach your breasts.

"Thank you", he presses out and whimpers, cupping your right breast to guide your nipple to his lips. He whimpers again as he takes you inside, body growing limp in comfort and shivers finally stopping entirely. 

Jungkook does this often when he needs true comfort. When his day was hard and his mental health was bad, all he truly needed was to be close to you. And on those really exhausting days, all that really helped was being able to suck on your breasts. He saw nothing sexual in the act during those moments and neither did you. It felt nurturing, comforting and safe. For both of you. For Jungkook because he was finally in your safe arms again and the gentle motion of sucking soothed him. And for you because you finally had the reassurance that your Jungkookie was safe and the warmth of his mouth relaxed you. 

You never ended up having sex because of those moments. Not even once. This act, while perhaps sexual during other situations, was of the most intimate and vulnerable nature and leaves the both of you oh so much more connected. Jungkook also feels no ounce of anxiety when he can suck on your nipples. Whatever painful feelings kept him hostage before, they all instantly disappear the second he begins kissing and sucking your breasts. 

Tonight is no different. Jungkook sucks on your breasts until he feels too sleepy to continue and you massage his scalp until your tired fingers stop working. Jungkook falls asleep just a little bit sooner than you. Reassured that he was finally at peace, you give in to the tiredness and fall asleep seconds later. And together you will forget about the world outside your windows, because all that truly matters was being in each other’s arms.

[changenameno]

It’s been a long time…PART 1

(Complete, link to the second part down below ⬇️)

 Summary: Gus March-Phillips was gone for about four years. Leaving behind the one woman that he loves. He’s hoping against all hope that you’ve waited for him. Becoming more and more anxious as they pull into the harbour and you’re nowhere in sight… Did you grow tired of waiting? Have you found another in his absence?

Pairing: Gus March-Phillips x Fem. Reader

Warnings: cursing apart none whatsoever, just angsty yearning buut with a fluffy ending (smut/physical reunion in the second part, though Can Be Read As A Stand Alone)

Word count: 2.1K

A/N: Okay, guess who’s finally watched the movie yesterday? And loved every second of it?!!

As I’m always writing while listing to music, one song in particular inspired this (= One More Pull by The Wellermen, The Longest Johns!) Any mistakes are my own. Comments and reblogs are much appreciated. Thank you! Hope you’ll enjoy…❤️✨

 

! Neither the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare nor the OC’s like Gus are my creation. The parts of lyrics I worked into my story aren’t mine either!

 🌊 🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

PART 1

 

A cold drizzle had started. Still he stood unmoving outside on deck, trying to look beyond the darkness. Trying to make out the harbour that would surely come into view any time now.

“Captain why don’t you come back in? Where it’s warm?”

Lassen’s booming voice mocked, “Pretty sure he’s got his eyes fixed on something special, am I right?”

Gus turned, not nearly as amused as he’d normally be at their banter. “Shut up. Go back inside.”

“Uh oh, sore spot? You’d think you’ve fallen…” Lassen’s mouth closed, upon seeing the angry, stormy Blues fixed on his face. He immediately knew he’d gone too far, trying to lighten the mood this way had not been one of his best ideas apparently.

“Just go back inside.”

At last Freddy and Lassen went inside, letting him be.

Usually he could take quip after quip from his men, without so much as pulling a face, but today wasn’t just any day. It was a day he’d promised you, would come way earlier than it did.

He’d assured you, he would only be gone for eight month. However that wasn’t the case, as their mission had been more complicated than they originally thought.

Now it’s been nearly four years, since he’d made that promise.

Growing anxious as more and more time went by, without hearing back from you. Gus and you had written a lot of letters, back and forth, yearning for each other. Telling the other of your day, sometimes even going as far as describing what you’d do once he’d be back.

Though his letters had become quite apologetic after ten long month, when there still wasn’t an end in sight for the mission.

After the third year, not being able to return to you, your letters had stopped altogether.

Making him sick with worry. Had something happened to you? Where you discovered? Tortured for information on him?

Or something else entirely…Had you found someone else? Someone who’d stay by your side? Someone that wouldn’t leave you alone for four years? Someone that wasn’t him?

Every time, those thoughts surfaced (which were often), he’d felt like Freddy. Just a burning desire to blow something up. Or to shoot whoever was responsible for the sudden stop of your writing.

Though he didn’t cease writing letters. They even got rather poetic at the end, because he was trying to impress you, wanting to let you know how much you mean to him. He simply couldn’t lose the only woman, he had ever loved. He will ever love.

 

The last one he’d written, was the one where he poured in everything he felt. The frustration at your silence. The hope you’d wait for him. The desperation. The deep, honest love he held for you… even the despair he’d felt for being away for so long. But now he finally headed home, to you. After all, you were his home.

 

This last letter of his, read something along the lines of:

 

// Dearheart,

I know I’ve promised to be back a long time ago. And I haven’t.

Regretting every second I’m not by your side. Though my love for you continues to grow stronger every day. My love for you, is both as calming as a sunny day near shore and as wracking as being in the middle of a storm on the high sea. Wave after wave of regret washing over me, threatening to drown me, because I’ve left you behind.

The despair I feel for having been away for so long, is shattering my heart, like a hammer would glass. Every splinter feels like it’s painfully piercing through my chest. More so, since you’ve been silent, every letter not returned, is a shard of my heart crumbling even further.

Now that I finally return to you, everything that’s left of my heart, may be just a fine powder. And like the untamed sea, you decide where to take the leftovers of said heart.

Will you drown the fragments like they haven’t been anything of value? Or will you carefully carry the particles of my heart through the storm, until they reach safe harbour?

For now the hope I feel is still somewhat able to sustain me. I know expecting you to wait, is not fair. That’s why I’m hoping. Because hope is the one thing that’s left, keeping my naïve heart beating, longing for you.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. Will you be waiting when we dock in three days’ time, my love? Because soon we’ll draw closer and my journey will be done.

Yours to command, yours to love…

Gus //

 

 

Never before had he written anything like that, it was very unlike him. But he’d also never felt for someone like that before either, so he’d sent the letter. Again getting no answer.

 

Gus thought he was the most anxious when your letters had stopped, but right now as their ship approached harbour, his mind was beyond restless. The unease and dread he’d pushed down for months, creeping up just then, though making him stay frozen to the spot as his gaze was fixed on the lights that slowly came into view. Just when he thought he couldn’t take not knowing anymore, a huge paw landed on his shoulder.

“Here,” Lassen held out a spyglass, nodding at him to take it. In fact not just he had come out, his whole crew stood behind him, as if they were cheering for him.

Appleyard smirked; “Go on then, you surely can’t see without that.”

Gus shook his head, smiling though, he knew his men had his back no matter what. He took one deep breath then lifted the monocular to his eye.

Darkness, then he moved it back and forth until one of the houses on shore came into focus. From there he moved it until he saw a few smaller boats and then further to the right where he knew they’d dock. Where he hoped you’d wait.

There was nothing there, just three men sitting by the sea, probably drunk if their swaying was anything to go by. Not wanting to give up just yet, Gus moved the spyglass up, up, up, over the rooftops of the small town. Even further up into the mountains, where he knew your house sat, a little above the treeline. It seemed just as deserted as the dock, no lights, no nothing that’d point to the fact that you were awake or that’d you’d been waiting.

After one last desperate and frantic search of the harbour, he lowered his arms. You were nowhere to be found.

When he turned, all his men stared at him expectantly, which was the last straw, making him more furious than he’d thought possible. With an unnecessary violent shove, he barrelled the spyglass into Lassen’s chest with the words, “Not here.”

Bumping into Hayes, on his way inside the cabin, slamming the door shut behind him. His crew remained outside, unsure how to proceed. Gus grimaced. What had he been thinking? Why would someone like you, wait for someone like him? He was no prince, hell he wasn’t even a catch, so to speak. Angrily pacing up and down.

When he couldn’t take it anymore, he flung the door open again, growling, “What are you waiting for?! We are leaving!”

Bewildered at his aggressive outburst, Freddy carefully phrased his next sentence, “But…it’s dark. Maybe…”, he didn’t get to finish, as Gus seethed nearly screaming, “We are leaving! Now!” And with another slam, he disappeared back inside the cabin.

 

Gus tried to calm down. Closing his burning eyes, concentrating on his breathing and the footfalls of his men, getting the ship ready to turn around. Heart thumbing unnaturally fast within his ribcage. Forehead leaned against the door, then he heard it.

“Fuck. No WAIT!!”

He straightened, it couldn’t be? He strained to listen again, certain his mind was playing tricks on him. But that sweet voice? He didn’t have to wait long, when a second much louder curse could be heard.

“Arrrg you fucking ASSHOLE!!! WAIT!!! OI don’t you DARE LEAVE!! FUCKING STOP!”

Gus couldn’t help but grin, as he threw the door open.

He was greeted by Lassen’s smirk, “I think there’s something you might wanna see captain.”

Everybody stood by the railing, looking down into the water. He quickly made his way over, as well.

And there you were, seated in a tiny rowing boat all by yourself, angrily screaming up at him, shaking your fist.

“There you are. You SON OF A…”

All the happiness within was suddenly trying to bubble to the surface, seeing you down there. Not only had you waited, you rowed out onto the sea, alone, at night, to get to him faster.

He swiftly interrupted your rant, “Is that a way to greet your captain? Hey there, love. I’ve missed you, too.”

For a second you were too stunned to continue screaming. Then his deep timbre sounded again, “Well what are you waiting for, hoist the boat up, boys!”

This time around they gladly followed their captain’s orders immediately. Throwing ropes down, that you knotted around your small boat, so they could pull you up and swing you on board.

As soon as your feet touched the wooden blanks of his ship, you whirled around to glare at Gus, leaning against the railing. Sure you were beyond happy that he was back, but you were also furious that he had you waiting, for four fucking years. So you stormed over to where he stood, clearly expecting a hug, because his sturdy arms were already reaching for you.

Though instead, you began attacking him with your firsts, repeatedly punching his chest. Getting out all the despair, pain and agony you’ve stored inside you, all these years. And he let you, not moving an inch, even though it hurt. A lot.

You didn’t even notice the tears streaming down your face, that just added to the cold drizzle still coming down. After a few minutes placing hit after hit, you suddenly felt so exhausted, you simply slumped against him.

Then he put his arms around your shaking body, at last.

Embracing you as if he was afraid you’d disappear if he let go. You buried your face deeper into his chest, arms around his midsection, drawing him even closer.

One of his hands reached for your chin, tipping it upwards, so he could look at your face. His calloused thumb swiped over the soft skin of your cheek, wiping away the stray tears.

You couldn’t look away, you’ve never seen so many emotions swim in his Sapphires. If you weren’t mistaken, they even glistened with unshed tears, when he murmured, “I’ve truly missed you, dearheart.”

“And I you, so much. Just promise to never leave again. I couldn’t take that…”

His loving gaze roamed your face, “Never, I promise.” Then he leaned down, sealing his promise with a kiss. Your lips felt like heaven. Sweet and soft, moving in perfect harmony with his.

Unconsciously you softly hummed, making him smile against your lips. This in turn made you giggle, because his beard had tickled you.

“I love you.”

You replied, slightly biting you lip, “I love you, too.”

 

You two had been so caught up in each other, you had completely forgotten the others, surrounding you, until, “Aaargh, get a room…disgusting display of affection…”

Your head whipped around, looking at the biggest smirk on Lassen’s face as his voice had held no real bite. Gus only laughed in turn.

“Let’s get you inside. You must be freezing. And we still have to dock, don’t we boy’s?”

There was shuffling again, as they prepared the ship to take harbour. You weren’t really paying attention, you only had eyes for the handsome man that still embraced you tightly.

PART 2

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

 

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[seenoversundown]

For Death Or Glory : Chapter Three

Jake x Charlotte (Fem OC)

Warnings: Anxious Themes, Drinking/Alcohol (Caravel Tavern is a bar after all), Cursing, Brief mentions of fighting (including a SMALL mention of blood) Lots of frustrated/angry tones, poorly timed jokes, and last but certainly not least- a wave of yearning.

Word Count: 3.3k

Summary: After getting the news that he didn't do everything he was meant to, Jake spends a stressful day at the bar. Trying to get everything taken care of, but it is just one of those days.

Author's Note: Happy Thursday! I honestly love this chapter so much. I've 110% had days like this and it just felt like it needed to happen. hehe okay happy reading xoxo

I'm Going Slight Mad - Queen "One wave short of a shipwreck, I'm not my usual top billing."

It started like any other day until it wasn’t. 

Caravel Crew:

Jake: hey i know you guys have today off but do you mind stopping by for a few minutes?

Daniel: We definitely can

Melody: Might have a little surprise to bring you

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Setting my phone down, I start looking over the paperwork that Charlotte left for me. Now, I’m realizing why I never filled it out. I don’t know what half of this means. When I decided to buy the bar, I had no business background. I never went to college. I just immediately started working after high school. I don’t know where the desire to own a bar came from, and I don’t know if it was partially because it was this bar, but over time, it just sounded more and more like what I wanted to do. I guess I just never thought about this side of it. 

I find myself reading the same sentences over and over. It’s becoming increasingly harder to focus on what I need to be doing. I just want to get this conversation over it.  I never have a hard time with “tough” conversations, but to be fair, all the bartenders that I’ve let go over the last 10 months have deserved it. Or they quit on their own. Melody didn’t do anything wrong, and this is entirely my fault.

“Knock, knock, hellooo” Melody’s voice quietly rings through the office. I turn seeing her and Dan stood there before I see Iris’ sweet face light up. She looks up at her mom, who’s quickly signing, ‘you can go see him’. 

“Hi, sweet girl,” I whisper out of habit. She scurries over, I pull her into a bear hug before she climbs into my lap. 

“I’m sorry I made you guys stop in, but I figured it would be easier to just talk about this in person,” I tell them.

“No, it’s really okay,” Dan says, “We had some errands to do, and Miss Thing over there loves getting to see you and Josh, so she’s not going to complain.” Glancing down at her while she looks at my necklace intently. 

“Okay, so–” I start, “The redhead who was here basically reminded me that I need to make you an official employee.”

“Okay… why do you seem nervous, though?” she questions. 

“I need to get you certified with the state, it’s not a ‘requirement’ but it definitely looks better for us,” I know I probably sound and look defeated but at this point, who am I trying to fool?

“Did I get you into some shit?” her face falls a bit. Dan reached over to her for comfort. 

“No, it’s not your fault. I was too ready to hire another person, and obviously, I know you, so I didn’t even think about it.”

‘Sad?’ Iris says, looking up at me.

I can’t help the small smile that breaks seeing her, ‘No, I’m okay,’ I tell her. Subtly making eye contact with Melody to make sure i’m signing everything correctly, which she just nods. 

“So can I not work until then or..?” 

I let out a long sigh, “I’ll just have you work with one of us until everything is done.”

Dan leans in, kissing the side of her head, before looking over at me, “Do you need help getting everything figured out?” 

“No, it shouldn’t take me too long. I just need to sit down and actually do it.”

It’s practically clockwork the way Josh appears in the doorway. “Hope I’m not interrupting anything,” he starts. But the- IS THAT MY BABYGIRL?” His voice rises as he drops into a squat. She runs into Josh’s arms, giggling the entire way. They really are a cute little pair, I think to myself. He spends a minute chatting with her before sending her back over to Dan. 

“OH- the shipment is here, by the way.”

Fucking Christ, of course it comes today. 

“I’ll be right there,” I shoot him a tight-lipped smile. 

I look back to Melody, as I’m standing up from my desk, “I will figure this out and you will still be paid for whatever days you work even before the paperwork is submitted, okay?” 

We end up talking for a few minutes before I actually make my way back into the bar. Rounding the corner, I see the next problem I have to tackle. Our entire shipment is just stacked up at the end of the hallway. 

“Josh, why didn’t you tell them to just put everything in the cooler?” I look over to him as he’s drying glasses and putting them away. He doesn’t react to my question, which is weird for someone who never stops talking. 

“Josh?” No response.

I walk towards him, which finally catches his eye, turning to me as he pulls out one of his headphones. 

“There you are, I’ve been wa-” he starts, but I can’t stop myself from cutting in. 

“Are you joking?” I snap, coming off harsher than I would like. 

“What do you mean?” 

I rub my eyes harder than I probably should before looking at him again, “Why didn’t you tell them to put the cases of beer in the cooler?”

“What do you mean..” he turns, seeing the shipment sitting at the end of the bar, “Oh.. oh my god.. I didn’t think they would start bringing it in until you signed for it.”

I inhale slowly, staring at him and doing my best not to lose it. It’s fine; everything will be fine. Just sign for the shipment and start moving everything. Maybe Dan won’t mind helping for a few minutes. 

“It’s fine,” I grab his arm gently. 'I’m sorry. It’s not a big deal.” I turn away from him, head outside, and sign for everything. Nothing more than a ‘thanks so much, have a good one’, and then I’m back inside, ready for whatever else is going to go wrong today. If I only knew. 

Thankful that Dan is at the bar talking to Josh, I quickly walk over to him, 

“Where’d the girls go?”

“Mel took Iris to the car. The little lady was getting antsy,”

“Do you mind helping me get these out of the way?” He glances over, his eyes going wide, before nodding. 

The two of us have spent a lot of time working together, given the shipyard and all. I think we would both agree that having someone there that we knew made the experience a bit better. It’s not the most exhilarating job you could have, but it pays well and has benefits. Which, when you’re in your early twenties, is about all you can ask for. 

We both round the corner into the cooler and set everything down, just on the floor so we can organize it at some point today. Just another thing I’ll need to take care of now. 

“Do you need me to work tonight?” he asks quietly. 

“What? No, I already feel bad making the two of you stop by. Enjoy your day off.” I probably could use the help today but, none of this is his fault, so I’m not going to make him come in. 

“Are you sure? I don’t mind, really.” 

“I’m positive. I appreciate you just helping me move these, so I didn’t have to ask Josh,” we both laugh at the thought of Josh lugging cases of beer around.  ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

I don’t know how long I’ve been in this cooler, but I’m nearing the end of organizing and taking inventory of what we have. We probably should have done this sooner because we definitely could have used a few more things. Setting my notebook down, trying to move things around, I hear a faint, ‘Hey Jake,’ coming through the wall. I finish shifting some of the beers around to make more sense before grabbing my notebook and making my way back out to the bar. 

I only make it a few steps down the hall before I hear chatter coming from the bar. That’s weird? Sliding my phone out of my pocket, it is Tuesday, right? Why is it so loud out there? Picking up my pace, I toss the notebook onto my desk in passing. Rounding the corner behind the bar, I saw a slew of faces at the bar, and most of the tables were filled. 

“Uh, what the fuck is going on?” I lean into Josh so nobody can hear me. 

“I have been trying to figure that out this whole time,” he whispers back, “Did you not hear me call for you?” 

“No, I did, I just didn’t think it was for this.” 

He looks at me, clearly scattered, “I have the bar handled,” 

I just nod, hustling out to the tables one by one, taking orders. I spend most of my time behind the bar; usually Josh is the one running to tables and charming everyone who comes in. 

I run drinks to each table, making sure everybody is good for a few. After what feels like the thousandth time walking behind the bar, I cave.

Jake: hey bud, is there any chance you can come help? We’re swamped and it’s just josh and i. Please I’ll pay you for real 

Sam: I guess I can. Bird and Quinn wanna watch some shitty tv show anyway

Jake: youre the best 

“Sam’s on his way,” I whisper to Josh as he’s pouring a fresh beer for someone. 

He breathes out, “Thank God,” sliding the fresh beer across the bar. I don’t know where all of them are coming from.” The door chime rings quietly amongst the bar chatter, and the music flows from the jukebox as more people happily saunter through. 

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Once Sam came in, things got a bit easier, and I only had to run drinks to people rather than bussing the tables as I was taking orders. Josh continued tending the bar. It’s absurd for a Tuesday to be this busy. Nobody has a clear answer on why they all ended up here tonight, either. I’ll take busy over a typical boring Tuesday night around here– 

“Ooooooooo,” every patron of the bar collectively says in a chorus of ooo’s and ahhh’s. Looking over to Sam, who may as well have his tail between his legs, standing in front of a pile of broken glasses. Fuck. 

I hustle over to him, “What happened?” 

“I was just trying to save a trip, so I had a shit load of glasses, and then well.. I sorta tripped myself.” 

I let out a long breath, trying not to laugh at how nervous he seems, “You and Willa really are a match made in heaven, huh?” I sneak past him and the broken glass, “Stay here. I’ll grab a broom.” 

Stopping in my office quickly, order some more glasses, I scribble into my notebook. 

“Here, I’ll do it,” he reaches out, taking the broom and dustpan from me. His eyebrows are still pulled together as he sets the dustpan on the chair next to him. 

I grab his arm gently, “I’m not mad at you, Sam.” I squeeze his arm a few times before he squats down to clean up the mess, and I go back to running around like a headless chicken.  

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It takes us a bit to get into a good flow, but between the three of us, we’ve managed. I don’t think the bar has ever been this busy during the week. Josh and I have switched so he can get out and talk to more people, which he’s definitely more comfortable doing. I found myself back behind the bar, which I feel like I can handle a bit better because it’s fewer people to focus on. Sam doing everything he can to help us keep up between bussing tables, running drinks, and washing glasses. 

Tapping my phone screen, 11:45 pm glows back at me. Thank God we’re almost there. Even though I never finished the paperwork I should have, at least this night is so close to being over. I set the shaker in the sink, turning around quickly to grab a fresh napkin to put underneath the glass, when I hear ‘ope’ escape Josh loudly. Of course, not before I feel the chill of a fresh beer soaking through my pant leg. 

“Sick.” I mutter, trying not to make a big deal out of it. I grab the napkin and the drink sliding them over to the customer. Nothing like wet denim. 

“Jake, I’m sorry,” Josh cringes, looking over at me as he pours another beer from the tap.

I take a deep breath, fighting the urge to be angry, yet again. I grab a shot glass and whatever bottle of Whiskey my hand lands on. I poured it for myself quickly and threw it back. Grimacing at the burn it leaves in my throat. 

“Drinking on the-” Josh starts, and immediately stops when I whip my head over to him with a tight-lipped smile and my eyes wide, “Carry on!” he backs off slowly.  

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The night goes on, my beer-soaked jeans and all. People start filtering out around midnight, which is pretty typical. We get mild enjoyment from watching the drunk girls try to walk on the cobblestone just across the street from us, which at this rate, might be the best thing to happen to me today. The three of us have a laugh together as we watch someone have to catch their girlfriend mid-fall when we hear the worst possible sound at 12:35am.  

‘What the fuck did you just say to me?’ cuts through everyone’s chatter. 

Stopping me in my tracks. Why does that voice sound familiar? I start walking towards the sound to realize who it is. Shit, shit, shit. Why didn’t I take Dan up on working tonight? I look at Josh, mouthing, ‘You stay here.’

Another loud ‘You motherfucker’ caused more people to look. 

Weaving between people who naturally have stood up to see what’s going on. For fucks sake, this would happen. Letting out a quiet “excuse me, sorry” as I nudge my way through, I manage to make it to the problem just as another good contact punch was thrown. Fucking Craig.

“Are you fucking joking?” I ask louder than usual. He turns to face me, and I can tell he’s realized he was caught.

“Excuse me?” the bigger one spits out. 

“Why are you in my bar, Greg?” I laugh, watching blood slowly leak from his nose. 

“It’s Craig,”

“I don’t care, why are you here?”

“I mean I just-“

“You just what? You just came here to start shit in my bar? AGAIN?” My voice slowly rose; the pent-up anger from today started to seep out. 

I grab his shirt as I get closer to him, the blood from his nose creeping over his mouth. 

“I told you to stay out of here, and you disrespected me this time,” I ball up his shirt in my fist tighter, “now leave, you piece of shit.” Shoving him towards the door, he stumbles into a table. 

He makes his way to the door, turning back to me, “Yeah, well, fuck you and your brother!” hollering as he walks out into the night. 

“How will I ever recover?” I laugh to myself. 

I look over to the guy who punched Craig, where Sam is already stood in front of him. 

“Jeff, right?” 

Oh, Sammy boy I’ll let you have this one. 

“Uhh-“ 

“Yeah, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave..” Sam tells him, grabbing his arm and gesturing to the door. 

“Why do I have to leave? He started it?” 

The grimace on Sam's face at his rebuttal making me laugh before he spits out, “Yeaahhh… and you punched him so.. I think it’s obvious,” 

“So.. you like getting in bar fights AND ditching women on dates?” Sam asks. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“You’re a real stand-up guy, Jeff,” Sam says, the sarcasm alone should sober him up enough to drive. I watch as Sam opens the door and pushes him through, turning to me with a shit-eating grin on his face. 

“God, that felt good. I knew that dude was a prick,” he barks out a laugh. 

Spending a couple minutes mingling amongst the tables who were close to the action, making sure everybody is okay and apologizing for the unfortunate disturbance. Grateful that nobody was truly upset, and honestly, they kept applauding me for taking care of it. Maybe I’m actually okay at this? I hadn’t really needed to break up many fights here since we opened, because Dan usually gets people out before it starts. 

I walk up behind Josh, leaning close to him so only he can hear, “I doubt he’ll ever try to come back now.” 

His face turned towards me, “Did he actually get hit?”

“Oh, absolutely. His nose was probably broken.”

His smile grows, “He deserved that.”

“Yeah he did,” I laughed because nobody deserved it more than him. 

The rest of the night went smoothly. Everybody started filtering out, and we were down to just a handful by 1:45 am. Grateful they had all already paid, they were heading towards the door by the time good ole Bob began to play through the speakers. I don’t know if that’s offensive to Bob or if they can tell we want to go home.

 We only spent a few minutes cleaning up before I told Sam to go home. Promising him, I would send him money as soon as I finished up here and locked the front door behind him. 

“Let’s finish this tomorrow, Bub,” I tell him as I’m walking back over to the bar, “It’s been a long enough day.” 

I’ve never seen someone drop what they’re doing faster. Throwing the cleaning rag under the bar and grabbing his phone, I watch him hustle to the back door. It’s hard not to laugh at it, maybe it’s the exhaustion. Shutting all the lights off as I walk through and locking up the bar, we’re finally free. The paperwork will be a future me problem.  

“Tomorrow’s a new day,” Josh says quietly, squeezing my shoulder as we walk into the stairwell.

I take a deep breath, letting it out with a, “You’re right.” 

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We quietly get into the apartment. Considering the night we both endured, we don’t really say much past ‘goodnight’. I fall back into my bed, just staring at the ceiling for a few minutes. First thing tomorrow, I’ll get those forms filled out. I just need to focus. Today was a mess, so maybe a fresh set of eyes will help. 

Tossing my jeans that smell horrendous at the pile of dirty laundry as I make myself more comfortable. Scrolling through my phone for a minute to try and decompress from the day, my stomach drops. 

‘People you may know..’  on Instagram will always haunt me, full of people I went to high school with that I no longer talk to. This time though feels like torture. 

‘Charlotte Rhodes’ sits there for a second before my curiosity gets the best of me. I tap on her name, revealing that her account is private. I should have known; she seemed fairly reserved, but I couldn’t resist clicking on her profile picture. 

Her loose red waves pass her shoulders, her freckles on display. This must be from summer, and she looks like she’s been in the sun. The way she is laughing; her smile is so big. The green of her eyes peeks through even if she’s squinting. Whoever took this photo is lucky to have her look at them like this.  

I linger on her photo for longer than I should admit, but lord have mercy, she is beautiful. ‘You really run a tight ship around here, huh?’ plays in my head. My heart feels weird thinking about it. I know I’m probably overthinking it, but in my head, that was her way of subtly flirting. Even if I promptly made a fool of myself after. The boys will never let that one go, either. My eyes start to feel heavy, and I toss my phone onto my nightstand. I lay there in the dark, closing my eyes and hoping to fall asleep soon. But my mind won’t ease up; all I can think of is her.

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Chapter Two

Next Chapter

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[ninadove]

Nina reads Dracula 🦇

September 18th

Today’s entry looks pretty long! Let’s do this!

THE ESCAPED WOLF.

PERILOUS ADVENTURE OF OUR INTERVIEWER.

Oh oh.

but I waits till they've 'ad their sherry and kawffee, so to speak, afore I tries on with the ear-scratchin'.

Wolf Care 101

"Without offence did I tell yer to go to 'ell?"

"You did."

I LOVE THIS MAN

There wasn't much people about that day, and close at hand was only one man, a tall, thin chap, with a 'ook nose and a pointed beard, with a few white hairs runnin' through it. He had a 'ard, cold look and red eyes, and I took a sort of mislike to him, for it seemed as if it was 'im as they was hirritated at. He 'ad white kid gloves on 'is 'ands, and he pointed out the animiles to me and says: 'Keeper, these wolves seem upset at something.'

"'Maybe it's you,' says I, for I did not like the airs as he give 'isself. He didn't git angry, as I 'oped he would, but he smiled a kind of insolent smile, with a mouth full of white, sharp teeth. 'Oh no, they wouldn't like me,' 'e says.

"'Ow yes, they would,' says I, a-imitatin' of him. 'They always likes a bone or two to clean their teeth on about tea-time, which you 'as a bagful.'

ICONIC

"God bless me!" he said. "If there ain't old Bersicker come back by 'isself!"

GOOD BOY

He went to the door and opened it; a most unnecessary proceeding it seemed to me. I have always thought that a wild animal never looks so well as when some obstacle of pronounced durability is between us; a personal experience has intensified rather than diminished that idea.

Reasonable.

Anyways back to the murder scene —

Without a word the Professor bent over the bed, his head almost touching poor Lucy's breast; then he gave a quick turn of his head, as of one who listens, and leaping to his feet, he cried out to me:—

"It is not yet too late! Quick! quick! Bring the brandy!"

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S NOT TOO LATE I ALREADY MOURNED MUST WE REALLY DO THIS ALL OVER AGAIN

"What are we to do now? Where are we to turn for help? We must have another transfusion of blood, and that soon, or that poor girl's life won't be worth an hour's purchase. You are exhausted already; I am exhausted too. I fear to trust those women, even if they would have courage to submit. What are we to do for some one who will open his veins for her?"

"What's the matter with me, anyhow?"

The voice came from the sofa across the room, and its tones brought relief and joy to my heart, for they were those of Quincey Morris.

YEEEEEEEEEESSSSS 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

It’s always darkest before the dawn

"A brave man's blood is the best thing on this earth when a woman is in trouble. You're a man and no mistake. Well, the devil may work against us for all he's worth, but God sends us men when we want them."

VERY COOL SPEECH

"It dropped from Lucy's breast when we carried her to the bath."

When I had read it, I stood looking at the Professor, and after a pause asked him: "In God's name, what does it all mean? Was she, or is she, mad; or what sort of horrible danger is it?" I was so bewildered that I did not know what to say more. Van Helsing put out his hand and took the paper, saying:—

"Do not trouble about it now. Forget it for the present. You shall know and understand it all in good time; but it will be later."

I think now’s a pretty good time

"Jack Seward, I don't want to shove myself in anywhere where I've no right to be; but this is no ordinary case. You know I loved that girl and wanted to marry her; but, although that's all past and gone, I can't help feeling anxious about her all the same. What is it that's wrong with her? The Dutchman—and a fine old fellow he is; I can see that—said, that time you two came into the room, that you must have another transfusion of blood, and that both you and he were exhausted. Now I know well that you medical men speak in camera, and that a man must not expect to know what they consult about in private. But this is no common matter, and, whatever it is, I have done my part. Is not that so?"

"That's so," I said, and he went on:—

"I take it that both you and Van Helsing had done already what I did to-day. Is not that so?"

"That's so."

"And I guess Art was in it too. When I saw him four days ago down at his own place he looked queer.

HE IS SO SMART TOO look at my handsome cowboy. So so so so smart.

I have not seen anything pulled down so quick since I was on the Pampas and had a mare that I was fond of go to grass all in a night. One of those big bats that they call vampires —

Oh.

One of those big bats that they call vampires had got at her in the night, and what with his gorge and the vein left open, there wasn't enough blood in her to let her stand up, and I had to put a bullet through her as she lay.

Oh.

"And how long has this been going on?"

"About ten days."

That felt like a lot longer with all the dread…

"There has been a series of little circumstances which have thrown out all our calculations as to Lucy being properly watched. But these shall not occur again. Here we stay until all be well—or ill." Quincey held out his hand. "Count me in," he said. "You and the Dutchman will tell me what to do, and I'll do it."

I love you

Quinceyyy 🎶

I ain’t never gonna stop loving you

QUINCEEEYYYYY 🎶🎶🎶

Towards dusk she fell into a doze. Here a very odd thing occurred. Whilst still asleep she took the paper from her breast and tore it in two. Van Helsing stepped over and took the pieces from her. All the same, however, she went on with the action of tearing, as though the material were still in her hands; finally she lifted her hands and opened them as though scattering the fragments. Van Helsing seemed surprised, and his brows gathered as if in thought, but he said nothing.

🥺😔

Now back to the happy couple —

Such a sad blow has befallen us. Mr. Hawkins has died very suddenly.

Oh come ooon

Forgive me, dear, if I worry you with my troubles in the midst of your own happiness; but, Lucy dear, I must tell some one, for the strain of keeping up a brave and cheerful appearance to Jonathan tries me, and I have no one here that I can confide in.

Oh come ON

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[borawinx]

•Day 3 of 70

Had another one of those days where I stress over all the stuff I have to complete and distract myself to move away from it , while also growing anxious by the second about not doing anything about it and being angry at myself . But im doing it , I did more than I would've on any other day , it's a little , but it's more . I dont want to give up now , because i know this is me getting used to doing better and doing more . I'm still frustrated and angry and myself and anxious about getting everything done on time , and the fact that i couldn't keep up and didn't complete most of what was on my checklist has left me feeling a little dejected , and afraid that im gonna fall into the cycle of perfectionism and procrastination again. But i'm not going to . Change takes place bit by bit . I am changing bit by bit , tomorrow will be better than today was and the next day will be even better.

I have to remember, little progress is still progress. I Studied today , exercised , and took my medicines . That still counts . I deserve to be treated kindly and not held to unrealistically high standards. I deserve to be able to make mistakes and have setbacks and give myself the chance to do better.

( I also just filled up my lunchbox because I forgot to do it before lmao and now im late for everything, but tis okay. I'm allowed to be a lil bit of a mess while getting used to how not to be one )

Ily 💞

[fixfoxnox]

Something In The Orange - Part 25

Description: The boys go on a date

Warnings: NSFW very very lightly implied. Like dusted along the top

Note: I am also posting this to my Ao3 if you would prefer to read it there!

Word Count: 9.9k

"Oh, home, let me come home

Home is wherever I'm with you

Oh, home, let me come home

Home is wherever I'm with you"

"Home" - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

His therapist gave him a soft smile, “It sounds like things went well.”

Roach gave her a hesitant smile in return. He felt much lighter today. His chest was clearer, he could breathe easier, it was like he wasn’t walking on the edge anymore. He’d told his team. They didn’t hate him. He took a deep breath to help control the bubbling of happy anxiety that threatened to take over his chest. It was odd to feel both happy and anxious at the same time, but he considered it a good thing. “I think it did,” he nodded his head, twirling his fingers. He hesitated for a moment before adding, “I still feel guilty, though.”

The woman tilted her head at him, understanding written on her face, “That’s okay.” She nodded to him, “It’s to be expected. Those were very strong feelings of doubt and self-hatred that you were juggling on your own, they aren’t going to go away immediately.”

Roach shifted a little in his seat, “It’s just frustrating.” He tilted his head, “I know that Soap and Ghost don’t hate me. They told me so themselves, but it's like my mind keeps trying to convince me, that little voice in my head just keeps insisting.” He gave a deep sigh, his hands tightening into the fabric of his pants. 

“That’s to be expected,” she paused for a moment, “Have you told Lieutenant Riley and Sergeant MacTavish this?” Roach shook his head rapidly. They told him that they still loved him, that they didn’t blame him. He didn’t want to throw that back in their faces and make them think that he didn’t believe them. The thought had taken over plaguing his mind, resting in the place of his previous worries. 

It was frustrating for him. He’d finally managed to tell his team about what happened to him while he was with Makarov, he’d finally crossed that bridge of communication and now it was like another one had appeared. He was still struggling to talk with them about what was bothering him. It made him feel pathetic. He was causing all of the problems in his own life and he felt like he couldn’t do anything to fix it.

“You don’t want to tell them,” the woman guessed, “Why?”

“I,” Roach hesitated for only a moment before shyly replying, “I don’t want to make them feel bad. I don’t want them to think that I don’t believe them.”

The woman made a humming noise, tapping her pen against her clipboard for a moment before responding, “Let me put this in different terms for you, I think if we reframe the way you think about this it may help.” She pushed herself forward in her seat, “Let’s say that Sergeant MacTavish came to you and said that he was worried that he wasn’t good enough to be on the 141. How would you respond?”

Roach tilted his head at her, confusion rushing through his system. What did this have to do with him being worried about upsetting Soap and Ghost? He shifted a bit, “Um, I don’t understand?”

“Humor me,” His therapist replied with a small smile. 

He gave a short shrug, “I would reassure him. I would tell him that he is good enough to be on the team and I would give him all of the reasons why.” He would never let one of his teammates, certainly not Soap or Ghost, ever think that they weren’t good enough to be where they were. It just wasn’t feasible. 

“Alright,” the woman nodded to him, “Now let's say a day or so goes by and Sergeant MacTavish comes to you again and he mentions again that he doesn’t feel good enough to be on the team. Would you be angry at him for not believing you the first time?”

Roach blinked at her rapidly, horror filling his chest, “Of course not!” He responded quickly, “I would reassure him again. I would do it as many times as he needs me to.”

His therapist gave him a small smile, “So what makes you think that Lieutenant Riley and Sergeant MacTavish don’t have the same mindset as you? What makes you think that they would be mad or upset at you when you wouldn’t be upset with them if the situation was reversed?”

Roach froze. It made sense, what she was saying. He would never hold it against someone if they needed reassurance from him, so why would others, especially Soap and Ghost hold it against him? It wasn’t rational for him to think that they would. His mind wasn’t rational though. “I,” he shook his head, his eyes wide, “That makes sense but,” he fought to find the right words.

“Your mind keeps telling you otherwise?” His therapist finished for him. “Our minds have a tendency to provide kindness and understanding toward others, but not toward ourselves. It’s important to challenge those thoughts. Remind yourself, I wouldn’t be mad at them, so why would they be mad at me.” She gave him a small smile, “It might not help immediately, but it's a step toward fighting that part of you that seems to be blocking your communication. I also think it would help you to express this to them, even if you think it will only be once. Seeing that they are okay with reassuring you can help you fight against those thoughts that are saying otherwise.”

Roach sank back into his seat with a sigh. Once again, the woman was right. It was almost frustrating how well she seemed to understand and provide insight into how to fight his thoughts. He supposed that was why she was getting paid, though. 

Silence hung around the room as Roach’s mind wandered back to the previous day when he’d finally told the team. His mind fixed itself on the epiphany that he’d had in the hallway before visiting the team. That voice in his head, the one that was screaming at him, was so clear for him to see now. Makarov, in his head, still trying to ruin his relationships. It seemed stupid the more he thought about it. Makarov was dead, he couldn’t hurt him anymore. 

He picked absentmindedly at his hands, pressing his thumb into one of the small wounds that he’d picked around his fingers. He wanted to bring the issue up, but it felt so stupid. Makarov was dead, he couldn’t hurt him anymore, and yet somehow he was. It was crazy. His therapist watched the movement of his hands, observing him for several moments.

“Is there something else,” she asked kindly, lifting her head up to meet his eyes. 

“Um,” Roach shifted in his seat, his eyes turning to the ceiling nervously, “Yesterday, before I told them, there was something I kinda realized. I think,” He stopped, biting his lip harshly, “It’s stupid,” he warned the woman.”

“I don’t believe that,” she shook her head, “If it’s bothering you then it’s important.”

“That voice in my head,” he started hesitantly, his words going quieter as he continued, “I think it’s Makarov. It sounds like him.” He finished quietly. The room was silent for several moments, the quiet of it making him squirm nervously in his seat. He didn’t like the silence, it made his chest fill with a weight of anxiety that threatened to crush his lungs. 

His therapist didn’t show anything on her face, she just watched him closely for several moments. “The voice,” she started finally, “Do you think that it sounded like Makarov this entire time, or only recently?”

Roach hesitated for a moment. He didn’t know. “It um,” he shook his head, “I don’t know. Yesterday, it just, when I came back to myself and decided I was still going to talk to the team, it was like it just kinda became him. When I was pushing through it just sounded more and more like him.” He rolled his neck nervously, “But I don’t think it’s ever sounded like him before. Or at least, not that I noticed.”

“When you realized it was Makarov, did it become easier to ignore it?”

Roach was taken aback by the question. He hadn’t thought about it. Had the voice been easier to fight against when it was Makarov? He remembered stumbling down the hallway, he remembered the voice screaming at him. He remembered realizing it was Makarov and the thought that had come after. He’d killed Makarov before, he would do it again if he had to. “I think so,” he muttered slowly, “I remember thinking that,” he paused, trying to find his voice, “That I'd killed Makarov before and that I’d do it again if I have to.”

To his surprise, the words pulled a soft smile from his therapist. “Believe it or not,” she started slowly, “I think this might be a good thing for you. It seems like your mind has identified the source of a lot of your recent struggles as Makarov. By showing that to you, by imagining your negative thoughts as him and not yourself, it seems to help you fight against it.” She gave him a smile, “As you said, you’ve killed Makarov before, you can do it again if you have to.”

A feeling of relief flooded his veins. It was easier to fight against his thoughts when he pictured that it was Makarov that he was fighting against instead. The man was haunting him, but Roach didn’t intend to let him stay much longer. He’d already done too much damage to his life. He wasn’t going to let him do anymore. He gave his therapist a bright grin, his chest feeling much lighter than he’d expected it to. This was a good thing. He felt like he was finally making progress.

Soap and Ghost hovered outside of the small office. Roach had told them that they didn’t have to wait on him, that he’d find them after his session, but the two couldn’t bring themselves to actually leave the area. 

The meeting with the team the previous day had rattled the two men. They loved Roach, they didn’t want him to ever think that that would change, especially not for things that he couldn’t control. They wanted to make sure that he knew that. Being away from him for too long, now that they fully understood his current mindset, made them both feel sick to their stomachs. So they’d decided to wait. 

They had plans for the day, an entire date planned out. They wanted to help Roach take his mind off of things, they wanted to show him that they cared. To them, this meant a date. A cute, sweet date with their boyfriend who deserved a break from all the shit he’d been dealing with. They’d only told Roach that they wanted to take him out after his session, but they’d kept the rest of the plans for the date under lock and key. 

“You checked again to make sure that they’re open today?” Ghost asked lowly, his hands fiddling with the fabric of his hoodie. He was nervous, still on edge from the mission and learning about what happened to Roach. He was willing to push that aside though, especially if it meant spending time with both of his boyfriends in a way that they hadn’t been able to do in weeks. 

Soap reached out, giving him a grin as he took one of his hands in his own, “You’re stressing over nothing, Simon. I’ve got everything handled okay?” He pulled Ghost’s hand up, placing a small kiss to the skin there before settling himself at his side, close enough that Ghost could wrap his arm around his shoulder. Soap was just as worried about Roach as Ghost was, but he was handling things differently. Rather than letting his energy go into worrying, he’d put all of his focus into the day’s activities. He had every little thing planned out to the smallest detail. He was determined for the day to be perfect.

The worst part of the process for the two men was the waiting. With every minute that ticked by, they couldn’t help but grow more and more nervous. What if Roach came out of his session and was angry at them again? What if he wanted time? What if there were things he still hadn’t told them? What if they messed up? It was their turn to be the anxious ones in the relationship, even if it was only for an hour or so. They knew that once they had Roach in their sights again they’d feel better. 

“There you are.”

Soap turned, his lip quirking up into a slight smile as he spotted the man at the end of the hallway heading toward them, “Horangi! How are you feeling today?” The masked man didn’t say anything in response, only continued toward them, his face mask and glasses obscuring his expression from the two men. Next to Soap, Ghost tensed. There was something in Horangi’s posture. He was determined, on a mission it seemed. Ghost couldn’t tell what that mission was, but he knew it apparently had to do with himself and Soap. He narrowed his eyes at the man over the top of his own face mask. “Everything alright?” Soap asked, noticing the way that the atmosphere around him had gone tense. He glanced up at Ghost quickly, concern painted on his face. 

Horangi came to a stop in front of them, moving his weight to one of his legs, mimicking a more casual position. Anyone who hadn’t been trained as they had might have thought that the man was relaxed. They could tell that wasn’t the truth. His body was too tight for that, too tense. He was on edge, and they were right there with him. “I need to speak to you both.” He crossed his arms over his chest carefully.

“Did something happen?” Soap asked, concern filling his voice. “Price told us that the last mission had been wrapped up well. We got both of the targets, so-”

“This isn’t about that,” Horangi spoke quickly, “It’s about both of you. And your behavior.” There was a moment of silence between the three men, the words settling around them. Ghost and Soap weren’t quite sure how to react to the man’s words. 

“Our behavior?” Soap asked carefully, his voice turning harder. As far as he knew, he and Ghost hadn’t done anything wrong or inappropriate on their last mission. They’d handled themselves well despite the circumstance. Horangi seemed to disagree.

“The plane,” he explained quietly, “Your behavior toward Konig.”

Both of the men froze. They knew that they’d been snippy with the tallest member of KorTac, but how were they not supposed to be? He’d known Roach for all of two days and somehow he’d managed to become so important to their boyfriend that he was fighting people on his behalf. That plus the display they’d been forced to watch while the two were sparring hadn’t put the taller man in their good graces.

It was one thing to see Roach sparring with someone, it was another thing to watch him wrap his thighs around their head after he’d, only moments earlier, gone red in the face over the rather suggestive wording of a question. And, in their opinion, Konig hadn’t exactly helped his case by referring to Roach as Schabe. How were they meant to know that it was only Roach’s name and not a pet name? Really, it wasn’t their fault that they’d been so jealous. If Konig hadn’t shown so much obvious interest in their boyfriend, maybe it wouldn’t have happened.

“He overstepped,” Ghost said simply, “We take care of our own and we were concerned about his intentions,” he crossed his arms across his chest, “That’s all.”

Horangi gave a low chuckle at that, the sound of it echoing off of the walls of the hallway. “Let’s be honest,” he lowered his sunglasses enough that he could meet their eyes, “Call it what it was. You were both jealous.” He raised one of his hands, pointing between the two men, “That’s what caused your behavior toward Konig. That’s what prompted you,” he pointed firmly at Ghost, “To pin him like you did during training.” He shook his head slowly, making a tutting noise with his tongue, “Ridiculous.”

“He overstepped,” Soap gave a huff, taking a step toward Horangi. His face was twisted up, “Maybe if he wasn’t so obviously in love with our boyfriend, we wouldn’t have to worry.”

“In love with your boyfriend,” Horangi gave a humorless laugh, “Let’s be honest, if there are feelings between Konig and Roach, they are certainly not coming from Konig.” There was a pause, tensions rose between the three men, Ghost’s hand clenched at his side, cool anger burning through his system. 

“What are you trying to imply,” Ghost responded lowly, his voice dangerous. Most people would have likely paled at the tone that he used. Most people would have known that they’d treaded into dangerous territory and rapidly backtracked. Horangi wasn’t most people.

“He might be your boyfriend, but he seemed to have a keen interest in my teammate.” Both Ghost and Soap paused. Horangi was lucky that he didn’t get jumped as soon as the words had left his mouth. He was lucky that the two men were trying not to cause a scene, trying not to interrupt Roach’s session. He was lucky. Or maybe he was smart. Maybe he waited until the perfect time to confront the two men. His face gave nothing away, obscured still by the mask and sunglasses as he continued, “My point, is that jealousy is fine. We all get jealous at one point or another.” If either Ghost or Soap hadn’t been so angry, they might have realized that Horangi seemed to be speaking from experience, “However, if you can’t control your jealousy? That is an issue.”

“That’s what you came here to say?” Ghost hissed out, “Just to accuse our boyfriend of wanting to fuck the Austrian then tell us that we’re the assholes?” He stepped closer to Horangi, puffing up to his full height, a good few inches taller than the man. 

“No,” Horangi replied calmly, no sign of worry or fear showing on him or coming through in his voice. “No,” he gave another chuckle, “I came here to warn you.” He tilted his head at the men, taking a step closer to them as he spoke, “Be kind to Konig. I don’t want to see either of you glaring at him or pinning him to a mat in training because of your jealousy. You will treat him properly or,” quick as lightning he pulled a knife from his pocket, flicking it open to press it just at the base of Soap’s stomach. Ghost responded just as quickly, his own knife pulled from his jacket to press threateningly at Horangi’s throat. Horangi didn’t seem too concerned at having a knife pressed to his throat, instead he simply looked between the two men carefully, “Behave or I’ll cut your dicks off in your sleep.” 

There was a pause, all three of the men were perfectly still. They were waiting. One of them had to make a move. None of them intended to be the one to make it. Tensions rose between them, Ghost pressed his knife closer to Horangi and, in response, Horangi pressed his knife closer to Soap. He raised an eyebrow at Ghost, his sunglasses pushed just far enough down his nose that the other man could see the move. 

They understood what Horangi was waiting for. He wanted confirmation. He wanted them to tell him that they understood. That they wouldn’t ever show any sort of dislike toward Konig again. Neither of the men was going to agree. They saw Konig as a threat. He liked their boyfriend, they knew that. No matter what Horangi claimed, it was clearly Konig with a thing for Roach. If they needed to, they would make sure that he knew that their boyfriend was off-limits. 

The silence drug on, and the tension between the three men continued to raise. Horangi pressed his knife closer. Ghost pressed his knife closer. All three were prepared to take this as far as they needed to. None of them was going to give in. Beside them, a door opened and a startled gasp filled the hallway.

“What the hell?” Roach’s gaze shot between the three men, his eyes locking on to the knives that were pressed threateningly against skin. “What the fuck is going on?” He took a hesitant step closer, his hand held out to try and calm the situation. 

There was a brief pause, Horangi watched Roach for a moment before he was clicking his knife shut and stepping away from Ghost to quickly make his way toward the shorter man. Ghost tried to reach out to stop him, but he just missed his arm. “You,” Horangi’s finger stabbed into Roach’s chest, pushing him back slightly.

“I,” Roach’s eyes went wide, “I don’t understand what is happen-”

“Quiet,” Horangi snapped, pressing closer to him, “You stay away from Konig, you understand? I don’t care what your feelings are for him, he isn’t interested. You understand?”

Roach felt pure confusion melt into his veins, replacing the slight panic. He didn’t understand what Horanig meant, did he think that Roach had feelings for Konig? His two boyfriends were standing just behind the man and, based on what they’d told him about the mission, everyone on KorTac knew that the three were together now. So why did Horangi think that Roach was in love with his friend? “I don’t understand-”

Horangi poked at his chest harshly again, but he was quickly pulled back by Ghost and Soap, both of the men shoving him back against the wall on the other side of the hallway, their grips tight. Horangi called out, “Stop flirting with Konig. Leave him alone, he isn’t interested!” The words were bit from his mouth, anger clear in them.

Horangi thought that Roach had a thing for Konig. Despite knowing he was with Soap and Ghost. His behavior was angry, almost feral, but it was familiar to Roach, and a sudden understanding washed over him. He couldn’t help but let a smile cross his face. He tried to hide it behind his hand as little bits of laughter escaped his mouth. The noise caught the attention of the three other men in the hall, each turning around to look at him, their movements paused. 

“It isn’t funny,” Horangi called angrily, “You need to-”

“Horangi,” Roach started calmly, “I don’t want to sleep with Konig. I’m not trying anything on your boyfriend, you don’t have to worry.” Silence filled the hallway again, Horangi seemed frozen in his place, not moving an inch. Ghost and Soap had large reactions, their eyes going wide as their heads whipped from Roach to Horangi, trying to read on the other man if what Roach said was true. “Konig isn’t interested in me beyond friendship,” Roach continued, “and I’m not interested in him beyond friendship.”

“We aren’t,” Horangi started quietly, his voice now shaky. It was the first break in his nerves that Soap and Ghost had heard from him. It told them that Roach had hit the nail on the head and, very suddenly, they understood Horangi’s behavior. They’d probably also threaten to cut the dick off of someone if they treated their boyfriend how they’d treated Konig. “No one knows,” Horangi managed to say finally. 

Soap and Ghost carefully released their hold on the man, sure that he wasn’t going to suddenly jump any of them again. Roach’s words seemed to have knocked all of the fight out of him. “It’s okay,” Roach provided with a small smile, “None of us will tell,” his eyes shot to Soap and Ghost quickly, sending them a silent message. 

“Yeah,” Soap added quickly, “We won’t tell anyone.” Ghost merely nodded his head agreeing with the two men. 

“It has to be hard though,” Roach added thoughtfully, “Keeping your relationship a secret. Why not just tell? I don’t think KorTac has any rules against its operator's dating. After all, Roze mentioned the two people who are married on the team, right?”

Horangi seemed to deflate at the words, “Konig is still too anxious for us to tell. He’s won’t say it, but he’s worried about the teasing that we’ll get from the team.”

“Declan,” Roach said with a small scowl.

“The entire team,” Horangi replied quickly a small bit of amusement in his voice, “They mean well, but they don’t quite understand when too much is too much with Konig.” He shrugged defeatedly, “I offered to threaten any of them who tried to say anything, but Konig seemed horrified by the idea. So now we’re stuck.” He took his glasses off, rubbing a hand over his face, “We haven’t been on a date in months.”

Roach tilted his head at him, glancing at Soap and Ghost cautiously. They probably wouldn’t like it, but it wasn’t like Konig and Horangi would have to stay with them the entire time. It would be good for them. “Hey,” he stepped forward slightly, “Why don’t you and Konig tag along with us to the zoo? We’re going on a date, you guys can go on one too. It’ll be like a double date!”

Soap gaped at him, “How did you know we were going to the zoo?”

Roach raised an eyebrow at him, “Soap, babe, I love you, but you talk to yourself when you’re typing. Did you really think I couldn’t hear you muttering ‘zoo opening hours’ and ‘zoo near me’ last night in bed?” Soap’s face went bright red.

“I don’t know,” Horangi said after a moment, “I wouldn’t want to intrude.” He shuffled back and forth, avoiding their gazes as he stared firmly at the ground. It was clear he wanted to spend more time with Konig, and this was a good opportunity for the two to spend some time together without getting bombarded with questions.

“It’ll be like a double date,” Roach said again a grin on his face, “Besides. The zoo is big, you guys can go do your own thing and we can go do our thing. It’ll be good,” he paused, looking at Soap and Ghost carefully, “for all of us.” He had to admit, he did get something out of the whole deal. If Soap and Ghost saw Konig and Horangi together, it might finally calm that jealous streak in them.

Horangi hesitated for another moment, looking at Soap and Ghost briefly before turning back to Roach with a slow nod, “Alright.” Despite how unsure he still sounded, Roach could see the way that he perked up, the idea of finally getting to spend some time with his boyfriend seemed to improve his mood drastically. “Let me go tell Konig.”

Roach gave him a grin, “Meet us by the vans in thirty?” Horangi gave a simple nod in return before taking off down the hallway, one small step away from practically sprinting. It was an amusing sight for Roach, though he couldn’t focus on it for long. He turned to Soap and Ghost, an apologetic smile on his face, “Sorry guys, I know that I should have asked first.”

Ghost gave a deep sigh, crossing the hall to pull Roach against his chest in a hug, a quick kiss pressed to his hair. Soap joined them not even a moment later, wrapping both of them in his arms. “You’re alright, bug,” Ghost muttered, “But I better not see them more than twice the entire time that we’re there,” he joked lightly.

Roach gave a small laugh at his words, “Don’t worry,” he gave them a grin, “If what Horangi said is true, I’m not sure that he won’t be trying to pull Konig off into a dark corner somewhere.”

“Dirty mind,” Soap chided lightly, pressing a kiss to the side of Roach’s head, “How was your session?” His gaze turned into something softer, something filled with more concern. It was clear that he was worried about Roach’s mental state.

“I’m fine,” Roach muttered lowly, “It wasn’t bad today, we just talked about yesterday and our plan going forward.” He hesitated for a moment, leaning his head against Soap’s chest as he tried to find his words. His therapist had put it into context for him, he just needed to rationalize it in his mind. If it was Soap or Ghost, he wouldn’t be mad. They wouldn’t be mad at him for asking. His hands tightened against their shirts, tugging them closer just slightly. 

“Bug?” Soap asked, concern leaking into his voice, “Everything alright?”

Roach hesitated for another moment before looking up at the two men with wide eyes, “Um, about yesterday,” he looked between them hesitantly, “You’re both sure that you aren’t upset with me? I know what I did-”

“Bug,” Ghost leaned down to bury his face against his neck, similarly, Soap leaned down to press his forehead against Roach’s, “We aren’t mad at you.” Ghost’s hands ran up and down his arm gently, his breath coming out in steady comforting puffs against his neck as he continued, “You did what you had to do. You came back to us. You’re alive. That’s all that we care about.”

“We could never be mad at you,” Soap agreed, pressing another kiss to Roach’s head. 

“And,” Roach hesitated again, “You guys aren’t mad at me for asking?” He had to check. He couldn’t not make sure. It was going to eat at him if he didn’t. 

“Of course not,” Soap muttered, “Ask as many times as you need to. We’ll tell you the same thing every time.” Roach gave a sigh of relief at his words, feeling the waves of anxiety that had been slowly pulling him under finally calm. He could breathe a bit clearer now. He was sure it would come back again, but he could look back on this now. It would be easier to ask again since he’d done it before. 

They weren’t mad at him. They weren’t mad that he’d asked. They still loved him. He moved closer to them, letting himself be smothered in their affection. They would move soon, but he would still be right beside them, able to find himself back in their arms if he needed to.

Roach tried not to look too excited as their small group pulled into the parking lot of the zoo. Though, based on the amused look he was getting from Konig in the seat across from him, he could assume that he’d failed. It really wasn’t his fault, he fucking loved the zoo. 

He pushed himself up from his seat to hover at the center console, between Soap and Ghost who were currently debating on where to park. He’d volunteered to sit in the back with Konig and Horangi, he figured it would be the best solution to prevent someone from getting stabbed on the drive there. How Ghost had ended up in the driver's seat was beyond Roach, the man was a shit driver no matter what he said. 

“Just park somewhere,” he whined after Ghost’s third lap around the parking lot. The lot wasn’t crowded, in fact, there were a lot of spaces open, but none that seemed to be just right for either of the men. One was too far, one too close, and another would force Soap to get out and dodge around a puddle. It was getting ridiculous, especially for Roach who felt like he was vibrating in his own skin, his excitement for the day ahead clear for anyone to see. “If you don’t park the car in a minute I’m jumping out while you’re still moving,” he warned the two before pushing himself back to his original seat. 

“You seem really excited about this,” Konig spoke calmly, though a small smile was fixed on his face. He’d had his hand firmly grasped in Horangi’s almost the entire drive and several times Roach had pretended not to see the shorter of the two men nuzzle into the other’s neck. It was clear to him that Horangi hadn’t been lying about the lack of time they’d been able to spend together. 

“I love the zoo,” Roach stressed excitedly, “I haven’t been in months, not since I dragged these two with me to one when we were still in the states.” He gave a small smile at the memory. He hadn’t actually dragged Ghost and Soap with him, only asked if they’d wanted to come with him. The three hadn’t been together yet, but looking back on it Roach could tell that feelings had certainly been present during the time.

Soap snorted from the front seat, “Yeah, Roach almost pulled my arm off dragging me around to all of the enclosures. You know he made us stand in front of the empty lion enclosure for like thirty minutes waiting for the lion to come out.” He shook his head, sending Roach a playful glare from the front seat, “He’s like a kid in a candy store when you get him in there. Fair warning, the back of the van may be stuffed with things from the gift shop when you get back. You leave Roach alone for two seconds in one of those places and he’s maxed his cards out on buying stuffed bats.”

Roach flipped the man his middle finger, but the grin on his face was easy for everyone in the vehicle to see. The teasing only served to make his chest feel a bit lighter, excitement still bubbling up his throat and making it hard for him to sit still in his seat. Luckily, Ghost seemed to have taken his earlier threat seriously and was soon pulling their borrowed van into a parking spot. Roach was, naturally, the first out of the vehicle.

He felt like he was vibrating where he stood as he waited for Ghost and Soap to clamber out of the van and join him. He grabbed their hands as soon as they were in range, quickly pulling them toward the entrance to the zoo, his face split into a grin. “We’re leaving Horangi and Konig behind,” Ghost’s voice was laced with amusement as he quickly picked up the pace, his taller form allowing him to easily keep up with Roach’s quick stride. Soap had a bit more trouble but was still able to keep up with him while walking.

“They’re big boys, they can handle themselves,” he chimed quickly, pulling the two men up to the little ticket booth. It was both the middle of the day and the middle of the week, meaning that there weren’t many other people at the zoo. They didn’t have to wait in a line at all, simply paying the lady behind the counter for their little wristbands that showed they’d paid before heading inside. 

“Where to first?” Soap asked, a look of concentration on his face as he tried to attach his little wrist bracelet on his own. Roach was quick to take it from him, pulling the sticky part off to quickly wrap it around his wrist. Once he’d finished he popped up to give the man a quick peck on the lips. Simon was wearing his face mask, so Roach settled for giving him a kiss on the cheek. 

He gave the two men a bright grin, “I love you both so much, you’re too good to me.”

Soap snorted, “Well that just isn’t true.”

“Have to agree with Johnny on this one, Bug,” Ghost added, his eyes showing clear affection in them.

Roach made a humming noise as he took their hands in his once again, “We’ll see about that at the end of the day,” He started tugging at them again, pulling them to follow him to where the reptile enclosures were, “C’mon, snakes first, I saw on the sign at the front that they’re doing an anaconda showcase in like ten minutes and that means I might get to hold it!”

“Ah, they’re gone,” Konig gave a small huff, concern pulling at his chest. By the time he and Horangi had clambered out of the van and locked everything up, Ghost, Roach, and Soap had already been at the front of the zoo, paying for their tickets. They’d rushed to catch up, Horangi having to almost sprint to keep up with his boyfriend’s quick pace. Now they were officially inside and the three men were nowhere to be seen. 

Horangi leaned against him, his face just slightly pink from having to essentially run up to the front area. “It’s,” he took in a large gulp of air, “Fine, Konig. You have Roach’s number, we’ll meet up with them later.” He took Konig’s hand in his own, tugging him down to his level so that he could pull his mask down and quickly pull the other man into a kiss. 

Konig seemed a bit startled by the movement, but he quickly relaxed into the kiss, one of his hands coming up to cradle Horangi’s jaw as he leaned down further, trying to press closer to him. After a moment of his mind being blissfully blank, he came back to himself, remembering that the two were still in public. He pulled away from the kiss, pink dusting the tops of his cheeks as he shuffled nervously. “What was that for?” he asked, still slightly breathless.

Horangi gave a deep chuckle, pulling his face mask back up as he wrapped an arm around Konig’s waist, tugging him to his side, “Do I have to have a reason?” Konig gave a sputter in response, his face going even redder as Horangi’s hand moved down just enough to give a quick grope to his ass before moving back to his waist as though nothing had happened.

“Horangi!” 

“What?” Horangi asked innocently, his eyes scanning over one of the directory boards nearby. He gave a quick hum as Konig continued to stutter through his words next to him, after a moment he looked up at the taller man, his grin barely hidden by his mask, “Let’s go to the Aquarium, yes? It should be dark enough there.”

“Dark enough? Horangi, what does that mean?” Horangi didn’t answer, only started guiding Konig through the zoo, “Horangi?”

“Ah, this is so cool!” Roach cooed, leaning closer to the small glass enclosure. He was trying to keep from touching the glass, so he had his hands folded neatly in his lap as he watched the little bugs scuttling around their tank.

“If by cool,” Soap started, a shiver going down his spine and a grimace on his face as he watched several spiders crawl around one of the little tanks, “You mean horrifying and disgusting, then yes, very cool.”

Roach looked up at him with a playful grin, “Don’t tell me you’re scared of a few bugs. I thought you loved bugs?” He teased the man with a wink.

His words pulled a grin to Soap’s face, “No, I said I love you, Bug. Not that I love bugs.” He leaned over, nudging Ghost with his elbow, “Come on, Ghost thinks it's as creepy and gross as I do,” Soap turned to him, “don’t you?”

Ghost didn’t answer, his eyes carefully following a tarantula that was walking along its enclosure, heading carefully back to a little wooden hidey hole that rested at the edge of its tank. His eyes were focused on the small creature and, for a moment, Roach was sure that the man was tense out of fright or disgust like Soap had asked him. That thought was pushed from his mind when Ghost turned to them, his eyes bright as he ignored Soap’s question and instead said, “We should get a tarantula.”

“Absolutely not!” Soap chimed at the same time that Roach gave a gasp of delight.

Roach popped up from the ground, taking a step toward Ghost to grab his forearms excitedly, his face split into a wide grin, “Yes! We should so get one it would be so cute!”

“No,” Soap tried again, but he was ignored.

“We could set him up on the table in the corner, we never use it,” Ghost said thoughtfully, “We’ll have to get him a big tank though, lots of room to roam.” He turned to the tarantula tank again, “This thing says ten gallons is ideal.”

“We can go to the pet store when we leave here,” Roach said excitedly, “We can get all the stuff then I can get online and find us one!” He stopped with a gasp, turning Ghost to face him again, “What are we going to call it?”

“We’re not going to call it anything,” Soap pressed between the two, pushing them apart with a fond huff and a roll of his eyes, “We are not getting a tarantula. Not if the two of you want me sleeping in the same room as you.”

Roach took hold of Soap’s arm, a whine leaving his lips as he pulled Soap down just enough that he could bat his lashes at him. There was a bubbling of happiness in his chest as he watched his boyfriend's face turn a light shade of pink, his eye trailing carefully down to his lips for a moment. Roach didn’t intend to press the issue, if Soap wasn’t okay with it then that was it, but he could tease a little, “But they’re so cute!” He wrapped his arms around Soap’s neck, tucking himself against his chest as he added, “Please? I’ll do anything.” His words were nothing more than a purr and, as he’d suspected, Soap’s mouth dropped just a bit and his face went even redder, the flush spreading down his neck and under his shirt. Roach couldn’t help but grin at the sight.

“Tease,” Soap grumbled out, slowly extracting himself from Roach and taking a step back, right into Ghost’s waiting arms. Roach watched with amusement as Soap tensed, his hands clenched onto Ghost’s arms as the other man wrapped him up from behind. 

“You’re sure,” Ghost asked, his voice low as he tugged Soap closer, “We’re willing to do anything.” He nuzzled his face into Soap’s neck, pulling a shiver from the man. After a moment, Soap pulled away from him too, his hands coming forward to point at the two men accusingly.

“You are not seducing me into letting you get one of those things!” He crossed his arms over his chest with an embarrassed huff, glaring the two men in front of him down. 

Roach had to hide his laugh behind his hand, but after a moment he nodded to the man, “Alright, alright. We were only playing.” He stepped closer to wrap one of his arms around Soap’s feeling his chest give that fluttery warm feeling as he tucked himself close to the taller man. There was something so calming about letting himself cling to Soap.

He’d been denying himself most interactions with the two men for nearly a month. Now, he was feeling more comfortable. Now, he didn’t have a voice constantly in his head telling him that he’d betrayed the men. That they didn’t love him. That he was disgusting. The voice was still there, but now it sounded different. Now it was the voice of a dead man who couldn’t actually do him any harm. The voice of a dead man that could so easily be muffled simply by tucking his face against the warmth of one of his boyfriends. 

Ghost stepped up to the two, taking Soap’s available hand in his own and giving it a short squeeze, “I wasn’t joking,” he said teasingly. He received a short smack on the shoulder before Soap retook his hand in his own. The three of them stood like that for a moment, watching the small bug enclosures in front of them for several moments. 

“You know,” Soap started after a moment, his voice soft, “I really shouldn’t be surprised that you’re so into bugs, Roach.” He turned to him with a grin, “It’s all in the name isn’t it?” Roach rolled his eyes at the man’s bad joke, but he couldn’t help but give him a grin in return. His heart was beating in his chest, threatening to burst through his ribs with affection. He loved Soap and Ghost.

“We are done!” Konig declared, rushing toward one of the various aquarium tanks in front of him, the blush on his face too bright to be hidden beneath the dim lighting of the room. “That is the end of it.”

“Konig,” Horangi gave a whine, stumbling after him while trying to put his face mask back on, “I wasn’t done with you yet!” He grabbed onto Konig’s arm, trying and failing to pull the taller man with him back toward the dark corner of the room where they’d been…preoccupied with each other more than the animals swimming past. 

“Absolutely not,” Konig swatted the man’s hands away, “A worker went past and she definitely saw us,” his voice gave away his absolute mortification at the situation, “That is the last time I let you convince me to do something like that ever again!” 

“You were enjoying it,” Horangi groaned out, wrapping his arms around Konig’s waist to pull the man closer to him. He lowered the sunglasses on his face just enough that he could wiggle his eyebrows teasingly at the taller man. It brought another flush to his skin and soon Konig was pushing him away with an embarrassed huff.

“We’re at the zoo,” he said after a moment, walking up to one of the tanks to watch various saltwater aquatic animals swimming by, his eyes were caught by one of the creatures, a rather large octopus that was slowly making its way around the tank. “Let’s enjoy it. Actually, look at some animals like we’re meant to be doing.”

Horangi gave a huff as he stepped up next to him, taking one of his hands in his own gently, “That’s less interesting than what we were doing.” He leaned his head against Konig’s shoulder peering into the tank in front of them. 

“Well,” Konig started after a moment, shifting just slightly where he stood, just enough to let Horangi know that he’d become nervous over something. Konig cleared his throat before he spoke again, his voice coming out a bit higher than it usually was, “Maybe when we get back to base, Roach can help you sneak into my room.”

Horangi jumped slightly at his words, his head whipped around to look at where Konig was resolutely staring forward, refusing to meet his eyes. The blush on his face had spread to his ears now and down his neck, Horangi wanted to bite the flesh there. He gave a grin under his mask, “You mean it?”

Konig nodded slowly. He gave a small yelp when Horangi wrapped his arms around him again, squeezing him tight in his arms, “Only if you behave!” He added with amusement tinging his voice. 

Horangi pulled back quickly, “Yes, sir!” He gave a mock salute.

“You’re ridiculous,” Konig’s voice betrayed his affection for the other man. The two stood silently for several moments, watching the tank in front of them quietly. The large octopus in the tank began to swim by them.

Horangi lifted his hand, pointing at the creature, “Look. It’s you.” 

Konig couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up from his throat.

Roach’s eyes were fixed upward, an excited grin on his face as he watched the vampire bats in the zoo’s small sanctuary hang from the ceiling and, occasionally, jump down to fly to a different spot. He could feel excitement bubbling up in his chest and, before he could control himself, he was talking. 

“Did you guys know that there are over fourteen hundred different species of bats! They’re like literally everywhere! Well,” he rocked back and forth on his heels, his hands moving rapidly as he spoke, “everywhere but like super cold places and super hot places. Outside of that though they’re literally everywhere! And there are like so many different types of them too!”

Roach adored bats. Despite the fact that he was named after a bug, he had to admit that his favorite creature in the universe was definitely a bat, though he did love bugs too. He’d been obsessed with the creatures since he was little, all the way back to his first life. There had been a couple that had taken over the old broken down shed in the backyard of his home and, when things had gotten rough in the house, he would step out into the night to watch the creatures emerge from their little home and start flying around. He’d been fascinated with them as a kid and he still was.

“You know it’s actually a bat that is the world's smallest mammal? They can weigh less than a penny! But you know what's actually crazier is that there are bats that are super big too! The biggest ones can have wingspans of up to like six feet.” He continued speaking, his voice raising in volume as he grew more and more excited. “You know they’re actually the only flying mammal too, which makes them objectively the coolest.”

These were definitely facts that Soap and Ghost had heard from him before. He was sure he’d talked their ears off when they’d gone to the zoo in the US, ranting for minutes about the creatures practically as soon as they’d stepped into the sanctuary. He’d managed to stop himself eventually, though he’d been terribly embarrassed when he realized how long he’d just been talking. Neither of the men seemed to mind though, in fact, Soap had asked him several questions about the creatures, testing his knowledge and helping him look up the answers when he didn’t know. 

Later, when the group had been in the gift shop, Ghost had made a point to pull down and show Roach anything and everything that had a bat on it or anything to do with bats. It was because of him that Roach had seen and bought a cute little book on the creatures as well as a patch for his tac vest for work. The two men had obviously remembered his obsession as well if the bat plush they’d given him for his birthday was any indication. 

“-and you know some bats have been recorded going speeds of up to one hundred miles per hour, which is like one hundred and sixty kilometers per hour since you’re both European. Ooo and did you guys know that,” he paused, one of the bats in the enclosure swooping down, flying for just a moment directly in front of him before finding its way back into the masses. Roach let out a little squeak as it flew past him, his hands coming up to tuck against his chest excitedly. “Oh my god! That was so cool, did you guys see that!” 

He turned to face Soap and Ghost, his face going bright red as he realized that the men weren’t watching the bats like he’d been. Instead, all of their focus was on him. Soap wore an affectionate grin, his eyes crinkled up with his smile as he watched him. Ghost was watching him as well, his eyes soft with some emotion that Roach realized suddenly had to be love. There was no other word for it. 

He felt his face flush red and his hands come down to nervously fiddle with his shirt, “Sorry,” he muttered, “I couldn’t help myself.”

Soap shook his head, stepping toward him to take his hands in his own. Ghost did the same a moment later, tugging his mask down just enough that he could place a kiss on his forehead. “Don’t apologize, Bug,” he muttered, “We enjoy hearing you talk about the things you’re passionate about.”

Roach felt his face flush again and, as he looked up at the two men, he knew that they loved him. 

“Why are none of the animals out,” Horangi whined as he and Konig stopped in front of, yet another, empty enclosure. This was the fifth one in a row and he was getting just a bit frustrated. He’d been excited to finally move out of the aquarium, but they hadn’t managed to see a single other animal in their entire time walking. 

Konig shot him an amused grin as he leaned against the railing in front of him, “We could always wait,” he offered. It was rather cute for him to see his boyfriend looking so grumpy. Rarely ever did Horangi let his more playful side show while with the other members of KorTac. He would pop a joke occasionally, but this part of him, this petulant adorable part of him was for Konig’s eyes only. The thought made his chest feel fuzzy. 

Horangi gave a huff, “You want me to wait hours just for one animal to come out?” He shook his head, “I don’t have the patience for that.”

“And here I thought stealth was all about patience,” Konig teased the man easily, “Guess that was all a ruse, huh?”

“That’s different,” Horangi turned to him, placing his hands on his hips as he stared, “I have something to keep my mind occupied then, like not dying.” He paused for a moment before taking a step closer to Konig, his voice going lower, “I could maybe pass the time if you gave me something to focus on.”

Konig rolled his eyes at the man, but he did feel himself flush slightly, “You said you were going to behave.”

“I’ve not done anything yet,” Horangi responded easily, taking another step closer to him, “I can behave and still tease you.” Konig held a hand out to him, halting him in his approach with a simple look. It made Horangi pause. Konig could practically hear his grin as the man responded, “I love it when you get bossy with me. Almost as much as I love seeing you go red.”

Konig was sure that his face was on fire, but he tried to keep his cool. He knew that if he didn’t control himself then Horangi would have him right back in that dark corner of the aquarium again. He went to respond, taking in a steadying breath and opening his mouth, then he paused. Something caught his eye, turning his head. A grin pulled its way on his lips and he quickly pointed out into the enclosure, a bit of laughter pulling from his lips. 

Horangi turned, his eyes catching on to the form of a large sleek tiger making its way outside to lie lazily in the sun. He felt a grin tug onto his lips just as he heard Konig teasingly say, “Look, it's you.”

“Holy shit,” Horangi chimed as he and Konig climbed into the back of the van. Roach met their gazes with a happy grin, readjusting the several bags next to him in the seat as well as the two that had to be placed on the floor due to their size. In his arms was another bat plush, a new one for his collection. “You weren’t joking about the back being stuffed with bags.”

“Tried to warn you,” Soap chimed with a grin from the front seat, “Like a kid in a candy store.” He gave a bit of a chuckle. Roach allowed him to tease, politely not mentioning that at least two of the bags were filled with random otter memorabilia that the man had picked up for himself. He did still have the most bags out of the group, even with two belonging to Soap and at least one belonging to Ghost. 

Ghost started the van and soon the group was on the road, heading back toward base. Roach and Konig were chatting idly with one another, excitedly sharing about the animals they’d seen and everything they’d done while they were apart. They were particularly focused on their conversation, completely missing the love-sick glances that were sent their way from their respective boyfriends. 

The drive back was rather quick and, soon the group found themselves parked out in the base’s garage. Konig and Roach were still chatting idly with one another, having moved away from the van to begin whispering to one another secretly. Konig’s face was a bit red at whatever they were talking about, and Roach had a grin fixed on his face. It caused Ghost and Soap to narrow their eyes at the two as they stood, waiting for their boyfriend with their arms loaded with bags. They were reminded by the sound of a knife snapping open beside them that they didn’t have anything to worry about. 

After several more minutes, Roach and Konig broke apart, Roach moving back toward Soap and Ghost and Konig moving inside. He gave a short nod to Horangi as he passed him, the man following Konig into the base, far enough back that it wouldn’t look like they were together. 

“What was that about?” Soap asked curiously as he transferred some of the bags into Roach’s arms. The three men started back toward their room together. 

“Nothing to worry about,” Roach responded with a knowing grin, “Just going to help Konig out with something later.” 

“Any chance you’ll tell us what,” Ghost asked as the three rounded the corner into the hall that held their room. 

Roach gave a small snort as Ghost pulled out his key and began unlocking the door. “Nope,” he said playfully. He made his way into the room, his face still fixed into a grin as he dumped the bags from the giftshop onto the table in the room. He allowed Ghost and Soap to do the same before he grabbed their hands, tugging them over to the bed with him. 

“Thank you guys,” he pressed a kiss to Soap’s mouth, “For the date,” he pulled Ghost closer so that he could do the same to him. Soap was quick to pull him closer, tucking him against his chest before tugging him to fall down onto the bed with him. They moved over, just enough for Ghost to climb in after them, wrapping his arms around Roach from behind as Soap wrapped him up from the front. It was reminiscent of the way that the two men had often wrapped him up while he had his arm injury. 

The memory brought a chuckle to his lips. He couldn’t believe that it had already been several months since that had happened. Several months and so much had happened. So much had happened and yet, none of it mattered. None of it mattered because, at the end of the day, he’d made it through it. 

Wrapped up in Soap and Ghost’s arms, sharing lazy kisses back and forth with the two, his heart felt full. He felt warm. He felt protected. Finally, finally, he’d found that sense of belonging that he’d been missing his entire second life. This was it. This was where he was meant to be. This was why he’d been given a second chance. He loved Soap and Ghost. They loved him. That was all that mattered.

Prev: Part 24

Next: Part 26 - Coming Soon (Final Part)

[welcome-to-green-hills]

You said that you didn’t like frontiers and you continue to engage with it. Why?

I gave the game a 7.5/10 rating. That means that I liked nearly 75% of the game. That is a C+ rating. This is a good rating. It means that it was okay, but it’s on the right track.

Game play? Fantastic! Loved each second of it. It felt like a Sonic game!

Open world concept? I love this approach! I wish that this was done sooner.

Aesthetic? Give me MORE!❤️

Power-ups? Fantastic! I love the creativity!

Character interactions and characterization? Okay, they were okay. It was a nice breath of fresh air. We’re going in a good direction now.

Story? This is where we had problems. There were concepts and ideas that didn’t quite connect to Sonic lore. They seemed like good concepts, but the didn’t connect all the way.

I do not hate the game. I liked it. with some revision and tweaking, I genuinely think that this would be one of the best Sonic games in existence.

I’m not entirely sure where there was miscommunication between me giving the game a 7.5/10 rating. I have been very positive about the things that I liked and encouraged others to play it. I have clarified, tried to contribute some ideas to the game (which, apparently, angered people?!) … and yet I am still targeted and called a bitch for liking the game to a certain degree. I shouldn’t have to begin each day, as I’ve been doing for the past week, with angry messages about me “not liking” something. I have said over and over again that I liked it. This is disappointing. I am not a villain. And yet it seems to be the end goal to make me out as one. Why me of all people? I have done nothing more than try to make it a safe place here and provide love and compassion when needed.

This is disgusting.

I shouldn’t have to feel anxious here when I’ve worked for years on making this a safe place and community. Why should I stick around for that?

Anyways. For those of you who are looking forward to today’s Twitter Takeover, I do hope that you enjoy your time. I hope that those that have sent questions get them answered. And above all, I hope that you all have fun. ❤️✨

[daryljdugdale]

A final goodbye to our sacred home !

This week I sell my finca in Spain! This was Daryl’s sanctuary ,and I was at my happiest here. Daryl and I spent days within nature, being alone and together, growing stronger and dreaming and healing. It was a safe haven where cancer was temporary kicked away. However as the world encountered Covid we were brutally forced to go back to the UK for treatment. Daryl’s health gradually deteriorated so we only sadly only could make one further trip to Cortijo Encantadora. Following Daryl’s death the finca represented both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because it reminded me of him but it was a curse … because it reminded me of him. It was an ever-present reminder that he was gone and he would never come to use it again. My heart demanded a soothing substitute for the gaping hole. One solution could have been to go to Spain to see if I could find peace and healing in those mountains like Daryl and I had previously . I did consider this but after a loved one’s death we crave a gradual adjustment to help soften the blow and my heart desperately tried to clutch the things that connect us to our loved one. For me that was being near Zak and Ede in the UK.

I then began to feel angry that I owned a place in Spain and I constantly worried about the practicalities. I worried about not caring for the land and became anxious when problems arose with the pool or the water systems. It became very complicated stirring often competing emotions that played tug-of-war on my heart and mind. I became angry with Daryl for persuading me to use my pension lump sum on this property . I was angry with him leaving me to sort this problem. I was angry with myself at feeling too sad to visit and l felt weak and pathetic. I discussed in counselling selling it but felt that would bring with It a sense of finality. It would create a tangible sense of moving forward… without Daryl. I also hoped maybe one day I would go back.

I was asked outof the blue by my friends living there if I wanted to sell. I felt Daryl presence as I considered this. Just before he died he told me he knew selling maybe necessary and I felt he gave me his blessing. He asked me to only sell to beautiful souls and I think we have found them. In a way selling feels like I’m eliminating Daryl’s presence — burying his memory — stripping the evidence of our life and dreams together. It can almost feel like betrayal but I haven’t rushed it and hopefully I will find peace. We created incredible intimacy and memories and those healing mountains are heartstring connections to Daryl , to his memory, to his essence, to his personality, his tastes, his being. They are not so easy to sever. It takes time for our heart to adjust and I think I’m ready but the step forward is painful. I often look at the beauty of it in photos and I want to touch, feel, taste, smell it . I mourn the tangible remainder of our dream of a simple life in Spain. But i know it actually all just represents the life I had, the love I had, the person I had. The life in Spain was our dream , and sadly our dreams ended with Daryl’s death. My future and my dreams are now only mine. At present living alone and remotely in Spain is not my haven. I don’t know where my future is but hopefully I will someday find my path.

The sale is going quickly and I don’t want to jink it but selling has been simple and maybe too rapid. I hope in time I may get a sense of freedom from the oppressive sadness I’m currently experiencing . I know the emotions won’t magically disappear and my tears are helpful. I trust in time I will have a sense of selling being a healthy step and a direction toward accepting my tomorrow. A tomorrow that is about me not about us. This letting go of my finca is a direction toward this adjustment. A step towards not being so desperate for the past but letting the past be part of who I am today.

I may need extra help and connections from family and friends over the next few months to process this. However i do wish with all my heart incredible peace , love and happiness to the special family who are starting their next chapter in the cortijo. You have Daryl’s blessing and in time you will have mine 🩷

Tracey x

[greer-writing]

Wednesday : 2/08/2023

Things right now feel complicated. I am angry at myself and the things that go on inside of my head. I am getting to a point where I don’t really want to be around people anymore.... and that scares me. I am used to being a people person, being able to talk through my issues, being able to speak my mind..... I have spent so much time alone and working from home that I do not really ever the time to practice those rituals anymore. I don’t see people anymore... I don’t talk to people. I have turned into a recluse.. and I fucking hate that. 

In reality it is nice being my own boss and it is nice having my own business but I miss human contact. I know longer know how to communicate with people anymore... after all I have spent over a year now hidden in a basement. 

Today I got angry, the anger seems to be coming back through the cracks. Its starting to come out in my nightmares and in my daily activities. I just with people would stop taking it so personal. The anger I hold is between me and myself. For as much as I want to blame other people I can not, I did that for years and it just made me more mad cause in reality I chose who walks into my life, I chose who affects me in what way, I chose to allow all of those choices to fuck me up. Out of all the bad shit that has happened to me in my life only a few things where completely out of my control... everything else was because I made bad decisions or wrong place or wrong time. What kills me is that simple decisions could have helped me avoid these issues like saying no more than once, Not going to Target that one specific time, or letting a dude eat a subway sandwich without being a creep.. or allowing them to be a creep back. It seems to be the tiny things that cause tornados. 

Joe told me I needed to focus on the small things, the small good things but I am going to be honest, there is more rain than sunshine... hardly ever a rainbow.. and not a single bird in sight to tell me a safe place is ahead. 

At this point I am stuck in this state of limbo. Small things are to small, big things are to monumental.. I am a train wreck... Maybe I do act childish, but to be fair I had no choice but to grow up. Joe did have a choice, he had a choice to leave his home and be with his friends and do drugs and be a wild child.... I had to sneak around to do any of that.. I had to lie and hide and sneak out and do stupid shit that forced me into uncomfortable situations I couldn't ask for help getting out of. Being that uncomfortable at that young of an age caused the inner child to duck, hide and find cover. It was explosive. It was dangerous and it was what I thought the idea of teenage fun was supposed to be.... turns out I kept putting myself into shitty situations. At one point I got alcohol poisoning and didn't even care, along with a black eye... all in one weekend. I snuck out of school and almost coped a charge for having sex in a park, I spent the last two years of high school smoking weed trying to let go of shit I should have been coping with. I was put in a mental hospital cause my lack of fucks flew out the window... I even cheated on my first husband countless times... I was literally a walking mental case.. I had no idea who I am (still don't know if I do). I need therapy but can’t really afford that shit..... and even if I could I would now feel guilty for spending money. Honestly, and I have said this countless times, I am exhausted. Mentally and Physically. I want to scream, I want to have a tantrum like a child, maybe cause I was never able to have a tantrum as a child. 

I don't really know if typing this out helped or not, but maybe it will give the future K some insight...... I feel this was a good first writing entry to many that may help me over come some shit I have been battling.

PS FUTURE K: KEEP YOURSELF UPBEAT, EVEN ON THE BAD DAYS TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. EAT. SLEEP. EXERCISE. SING. DANCE. EVEN SCREAM. Let out every single emotion, angry, sad, happy, depressed, anxious. Keeping it all inside can be painful and hurt others. At least try it for a short period of time. JUST KEEP SWIMMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[amkblogs]

Gym: The staircase to self-satisfaction

Hello everyone, today I would love to talk about and share my experience regarding gym and how it can change anyone's life over the course of not years even months.

SO LET'S START!!!

The main purpose behind joining gym wasn't just to be drowned in six pack abs but to rather build discipline which I lacked at that time ( even now) and I even wasn't happy about how I looked in front of mirror ( no self-harm). It was rather a "get better" call for myself and not a comparison based habit formation. I started watching videos on how people should behave at gym, how should I expect everything to be in gym and what would everyone think of what I'm doing ( which I think about it disgusts me) still I was very anxious of joining the gym beforehand having any experience. So I used the money my grandma gave me for Diwali ( which I am so grateful for now that I think about it ) but I can safely that the money I handed over to my gym was the day I made the best decision of my entire life. The night before going to the gym was kind of obnoxious in some way as I was drenched with negative thoughts which weren't under my control still I passed through the night. FINALLY!!! the time had arrived, I went to gym with my backpack carrying around my shoulders and then went straight to the gym. Everything was very intimidating as I saw people double my age repping 40-50 dumbbells. Then, I met my gym instructor/trainer Gaurav, he is a very humble guy. He asked me what my long term goal was about the fitness related thing then we got to the treadmill. Walking on treadmill was a very new and alive feeling which I don't think many people understand. Then I did the silliest thing any gym beginner wouldn't have done, I tried to get off the treadmill by slowing it down and letting the belt (on which we walk) take me back without having any support. I almost fell down on my way out but I still managed to pick myself up and then as I was walking over to drink water from my bottle I was feeling like I was walking at a tremendously fast speed but it was just one of the tricks my mind was playing with me, as I sat down I realized that I wasn't walking fast it's just that my brain was moving around the whole place and making me feel like I was walking fast, quite unique thing I got to learn. Then I walked past every gym equipment which I could saw and I was constantly processing like "what does this machine do", "how can he lift so heavy" and all. After gathering all of my thoughts, I went over to the chest press machine, to those go who to the gym might know that there are two types of chest press you can do, 1: with machine 2: with dumbbells/barbells, The pump/feeling of doing the exercise was not very satisfying per se, but still got to learn new things. Basically, for the next week I did full body workouts at half-ass intensity, just pushing some dumbbells and pulling some cables and all of the other stunts. The first month went on quite smoothly, I was consistently hitting the gym on a like 5 day/week and then the sleep quality was even great too. I think the most beneficial thing exercise has to offer is confidence as well as growth in sleep quality. Like I was sleeping at same time and for same hours but the resting period was much more fulfilling and you can actually feel the energy when you get out of your bed after sleeping.

1 month summary:

As soon as I spend the first week in the gym I knew it was the best decision of my life and I couldn't thank myself enough for it.

2 month:

This was the most crucial period of my gym life as this was the month where I started to feel tension in my muscles and my mind-muscle connection was pacing upwards. This is the month where I felt the lats (wing muscles) during lat pulldown. Now, I would like to point out that anyone who goes to the gym or has recently joined the gym would be frustrated or even angry at themselves while doing lat pulldowns, but I want to assure that it does get better each time you do it. We are often driven by the feeling that "I'm not feeling it in my lats so there must be something wrong with me" but that's not the case. You see, when you are doing the exercise, your lats are constantly engaged and under tension but the tension is so low that you can't feel it, so overtime you will feel and you will grow your lats as they are really, really easy to grow. Now, coming back to my story this is the time where I started doing to planned workouts like PUSH PULL LEG which I am still doing as I'm writing this. I practiced my pushups at home on my stairs. Like I used to put my hands on my top most stairs and then just try to do as many pushups as I could. Then after a long and thorough period of patience and time I did my first pushup and now I can do a total of 10 pushup consecutively which I know I can quadruple the quantity by 4x till the next month. The next thing I want to focus on achieving is my first pullup, it has been a long time since I am practicing assissted pullup, but now I really need to take a step further, If the future me is reading this and by that time if I managed to do my first pullup then I really want to express my gratitude for myself.

So I would like I to summarise this blog in some points:

1: No matter what people might tell, joining gym is one of the best feelings in the world.

2: The results are not often immediate that's where patience comes in hand, it is a double-edged sword. Less patient and you will lose all your progress and more patience will compound your efforts.

3: Get as much sleep as you can possible is order to ensure maximum muscle recovery and sustainibility.

4: You've got this!

[everything-left-unsaid]

December 9, 2022 10:26 PM

Can it be true? I’m writing my first post again after almost a whole year?

How funny the last post I wrote was about feeling anxious to get engaged and here I am months from being married???

Truth be told Henry’s away for his bachelor party so I made the mistake of pulling up my old diary tumblr page to look at old posts. Wow. If there’s one thing reading my past posts has made me realize it’s that my feelings sometimes can be so volatile.

I feel like my younger self had a very poor way of handling my emotions. I was feeling so much sadness, anger, anxiety, and pain. I stop and think about today and I realize I still carry the remnants of that person. Although not as sad, and not as angry, and not as anxious. I still sometimes see the bits and pieces of me that make up who I am. I’m not sure if that’s something I’ll continue to grow out of or if it will always be a piece of me but I see the flaws that I carried when I was younger and that I still see peeking out today.

It’s crazy to think about my relationship. I’m getting MARRIED in two months. On this page I went through heartbreaks that I thought were devastating at the time. On this page I went through first dates, one night stands, and booty calls with your ex. I read these posts and almost cringe because it takes me back and makes me remember all the places I was before that I don’t necessarily ever want to be again. If there’s one thing I think I can benefit from on this late night reflection it’s my relationship with Henry.

We’ve been together for coming up four years now. Wow. That’s a long time. To think we’re getting married and one day we’re going to be old and grey together is crazy. Not in a bad way of course. In a way that makes you realize you finally made it and that you met that person that they all talk about it. 

You are my partner. You are the one that i’m going to be with for the rest of my life. You are the one i’m going to start a family with one day. You are the one i’m going to try to make it work with for the rest of my life. Reading these posts makes me remember when we first met. The posts about your sweet smile, your blue eyes, and your kindness just take me back to a place that makes me fall in love with you all over again. Typing this I see your smile in my head. It makes me a little sad because the day to day routine can sometimes make me forget how much I love you and truly appreciate you. I feel frustrated by things like you not picking up your socks and you spending all Saturday hunting instead of spending time at the house with me. Then i remember posts like when we first said I love you and when you first met my friends. It reminds me that love is not always easy. Love is a constant cycle of finding ways to grow and fall in love with each other more. Love is not glamorous. Love is work. 

I think of us falling in love. It wasn’t the feeling I felt when I was 18 years old and in college but it was a slow burn. We talked about that in therapy the other day and I felt a little insecure sharing. I felt like our story wasn’t one for the books, wasn’t a fairytale love that people gushed over. It made me wonder if this is what true love is. Then stopping today I read those old posts and realized the ‘fairytale’ love is there but it’s society that makes you feel otherwise. Love is what you share with your partner, how you feel, and what you make of it. Your personal relationship is where you plant the seeds and together grow something from the roots up. Not necessarily how it looks like compared to others. 

It’s funny because ironically you’re probably out on your bachelor party right now getting wasted with your friends and doing god knows what. The part of me that I can’t shake off is always going to feel like you’re going to mess something up and that all men disappoint. Then there’s the part of me that loves you and knows you are good and trustworthy. 

I think after this weekend I’m glad to reflect. I want to remember the way I fell in love with you again. I want to feel close and connected to you as much as I can even with our monotonous schedule. I’m not sure how we can work on that and maybe therapy will help us but i’m ready to stop being so resentful all the time and remembering how much I just really love you. 

[finelinevogue]

What if a security guard wouldn’t let you back in the arena if you went out to get something. And they didn’t believe that you were harrys gf and just thought you were a crazy fan

oooh it’s been done before but here’s my version!! ;

You were running late.

It was already 7pm and you were only getting out of your car in the car park. Harry was due to be on stage in an hour and you hadn’t even seen him yet. The traffic around Dallas today has been awful. Chocker block. You’d been with Harry all day, up until 3 hours ago when he had to leave the hotel to come to the stadium for rehearsals. Normally you’d go with him, but you were so tired that you wanted a little nap before coming. The problem here was you overslept.

There were no Ubers available and a taxi would be far too expensive at this time, so you drive in Harrys car instead. You’d been following Harry on tour in his car, so when you get to different destinations you can go out on ball day trips if you want to without the obscenity of a huge tour bus or paying for Ubers everywhere. It was the main reason you were so tired though, travelling across country and into different time zones. It would be so much easier if this was the UK.

You grabbed your purse and your jacket, locking the car as you got out and started running for the backstage entrance. It was easy to make it there and you noticed security guards already standing there.

“Hi!” You smiled, slightly short of breathe. You were about to move past them when one of them shoved your shoulder back, making you stumble back unbalanced. “Wha—”

“ID and backstage pass to get through here.” One of them said, looking you up and down as if you were nothing.

If anything, you were quite shocked on how they just treated and continued to treat you. Normally, Harry would show a picture of you to these backstage security guards to make sure you’d be able to get in no problem, but it seemed like today Harry might’ve forgotten to show that photo. This was going to be a problem for you, because you’d forgotten to bring your backstage pass.

“I normally just go through? I’m Harry’s girlfriend.” You tried talking your way around the situation, not appreciating behind held up so close to show-time.

“Oh you’re Harry’s girlfriend? You must be the 7th one we’ve met tonight.” The security guy laughed and so did his friend, making your blood boil with how annoying they were being. Harry would be so pissed if he heard the way they were treating you.

“No but I actually am.”

“Then, ID and backstage passes.” One of then held out his hand whilst the other crossed his arms over his chest to make him look intimidating. Dickheads.

“I have ID just not the backstage passes.” You answered honestly, holding out your ID for them to check. They collected it and asked you questions on it, you answering them all perfectly.

“Well you definitely know you, but you have no proof you’re supposed to be where you claim to be.” They handed you back your ID and you huffed in stress.

“Well what can I show you? Photos of me and Harry together? Text messages?” You waved your arms around, getting really pissed off that this was actually happening. You’d probably miss Jenny’s whole set because of this and then 15 minutes before show-time Harry gets transported under the stage. So you only really would have half and hour with him, and that’s just not enough time. You wanted a safe and warm hug off him. You wanted a kiss. You just wanted him.

“Everyone knows they can be photoshopped.” One of the guys scoffs at your notion.

“Listen. You either show us your backstage pass or we’ll escort you off site.” The other one says a lot more firmer this time. It made you quite anxious for what you’d do if they did that - or maybe when they did that.

“Well I don’t have the backstage passes.” You sighed, rolling your eyes at the way this was going to end.

“Then let’s go.” One of them pointed to where you came from and to the car park, stepping forwards as he did so.

“I’m not leaving until you let me through those doors. My boyfriend is waiting for me.” You answered, taking a step back in stress of what they might do.

“Harry ain’t your boyfriend. Now let’s go!” They stepped forwards again and reached for you.

You swung your bag at one of them, hitting him in his side and he grunted because of the impact of your water bottle with his chest. The other one grabbed your arm and you couldn’t shake him, since you were not trained in any way for situations like this at all. His fingers dig into your skin and it made you scream out a cry, trying to kick him in any way to escape. The other one recovered ever ordered the guy holding you to escort you away whilst he stayed and guarded the door. The one holding you tugged your arms behind your body and held them tight there, it really fucking hurting. He didn’t care though and continued to walk you, asking you where your car was so he could get you out of here.

Once you reached your car he let you go and you wrapped your arms around you as he walked away again, not verbally saying anything but his eyes saying enough. Stay away. You shakily got your keys out of your bags and unlocked your door, climbing in and just sitting there. You could feel your hands really shaky and achy. Looking down with tear clouded eyes, you saw the red marks over your arms and slight bruising already. Your arms and shoulders hurt from being bent in an uncomfortable position.

You cared less about the pain though and how much of a disappointment of a girlfriend you were going to be to Harry. He was going to think either the worst for you or the worst of you. You reached in your bag on your lap for your phone, throwing your bag on the seat next to you afterwards. You wiped your eyes with the sleeve of your t-shirt and unlocked your phone to text messages, sending Harry a quick text.

To Harry: Are you free to call? x

No response. You sat there for a few minutes in silence, still shook up and teary. That had been a really awful situation to be in and you hated that you were nowhere near Harry to fix it. Your phone vibrated 3 minutes later, finding a text message from Harry. You sighed and felt safe when you saw his icon light up your notifications, knowing he was in contact with you.

From Harry: Of course, you okay? xx

You didn’t open your phone because you didn’t know how to respond. How do you tell him you’re not okay, only 20 minutes before he’s meant to be ready to go on stage? You didn’t want to worry him, but you also didn’t want him thinking you were a terrible girlfriend either.

Another vibration.

From Harry: Lovie? xx

Your eyes watered at that simple word, meaning so much more to you than five letters. It made you feel so much comfort, you only wished you could get that hug and a kiss now.

Again.

From Harry: Love, you’re worrying me now.

From Harry: Let me face-time you, hang on.

His icon lit up the screen; Incoming…

You shakily accepted, wiping your eyes quickly before. When he answered you could tell he was still in his dressing room, sat on the sofa that you wish you were also sat on with him. He looked so beautiful. His hair was perfectly styled and he was wearing a pearl coloured silk shirt and you knew he was wearing white silk pants to co-ordinate. You thought he looked ethereal. A glowing beacon of hope and beauty.

He didn’t say anything to you at first and you nothing to him. He just looked at you and instantly knew something bad was up. He kept eye contact with you and it was as if he was having a telepathic conversation with you, understanding that you needed him and just him.

“Hey, Mitch man?” Harry asked, turning his head to somewhere else in the room. “Could y’just give me a minute. Please.”

“Sure, sure.” Mitch answered and all you could hear was the sound of shuffling and the door shut. As soon as he was gone you started crying all over again. You cupped your hand over your eyes and your body shook as you just cried. Harrys heart broke that you were alone and he couldn’t hug you close to his chest.

“Y/N, baby. Look at me.” He asked urgently and you just shook your head, embarrassed that this was happening to you. “You’ll be alright lovie, I promise. Just look at me, beautiful.” You moved your hand away from your face and wiped your eyes and nose to try and make you look slightly better - not that it helped. “There’s my pretty girl.”

You smiled. He smiled.

“I-i’m so-rry H.” You whispered, sniffling in between words because of how shaky you felt.

“Hey, no. None of that. It’ll be okay.” He reassured you, keeping eye contact with you to try and decipher what was wrong. “Where are you, lovie? You’re in the car, yeah?” Harry asked, recognising your surroundings but you could get anywhere. You could have been in an accident for all he knew, but he was remaining calm so he didn’t send you into a panic.

“Yeah. In the stadium car park.” You saw Harrys eyes momentarily light up at that, before he remembered that you weren’t okay.

“Okay. Tell me why you’re upset, love. Help me understand.” He sounded urgent, just wanting to know so he could help you out. He wanted you to be okay. He wanted you with him.

“The security guards wouldn’t let me in, backstage I mean. I didn’t have my backstage pass. But..” You choked on a sob and Harry told you to just breathe. You were okay. “One of them g-grabbed me and escorted m-me of sight.”

“Baby, are you hurt? Is that why you’re upset?” Harry asked, standing up now in panic. His face looked angry, but you could tell he was trying his best to be a comfort for you. “Y/N?”

“Y-yes. Yes Harry, yes.” You voice wobbled out and you let out an exasperated sob. “I’m s-sor—”

“No don’t you dare. Don’t apologise for this. Not ever. You understand me?” He made very clear he wasn’t messing around.

“Yes.” You nodded.

“Alright. Now, you gotta be strong for me okay?” He asked, before asking, still checking that you were okay. He knew you would be though, because you were his bravest girl ever - stronger than you knew.

“Okay.”

“You’re going to make your way back to the backstage entrance, alright? I am going to be there, before you get there. Those security guards won’t be there I promise. You’ll be okay. Can you do that for me?” He asked, moving around the room and then out of the door. He was walking down the corridors, ignoring the people shouting his name. He was only focused on you.

“Yes. Okay.” You nodded, wiping under your nose again.

“I love you.” He kissed the camera of his phone, looking like he was kissing you instead.

You returned the gesture, kissing him virtually back. “I love you.”

He told you that it’d be alright and then ended the call, explaining how you didn’t need to hear him get angry when he found these security guards. They would be fired even if they weren’t on his tour crew, he’d make sure of it. You made your way back to the backstage entrance again, slowing down before you rounded the corner. Taking a deep breathe you walked around and were met with exactly what Harry promised; him.

You smiled and broke out into a run to get to him, your bag weighing on your shoulder. Once you reached him your bag was thrown on the floor in front of him and you jumped into his arms. He lifted you up to sit you around his waist, keeping his arms tight around your waist and squeezing the biggest hug out of you. Your arms tightened around your boyfriends neck and you buried your face into his neck, and god he smelt like everything homely and sweet. He felt just like home.

“See, you’re alright now lovie.” He assured you, kissing your cheek that wasn’t quite buried into his neck.

“Th-ank you.” You muttered, kissing his neck in appreciation which made him hum in delight. He tasted so hot and lush. He was insatiable. You then felt him start kissing your arms, where the harsh red and purple marks were.

“Sorry y’had to go through this.” He kept kissing your arms, until you moved your head up and looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“If I can’t say sorry, then neither can you.” You shook your head, kissing his nose softly. You watched his eyes flutter close and felt so special that only you could do that to him.

“You’re so amazing Y/N. Truly.”

“You’re pretty special too, my love.”

He didn’t need to hear anything else from you, those words were enough, so he pressed his lips to yours softly, filling you with the love you’d been waiting to feel all day. You smiled into the kiss and he just felt so amazing. He was so soft and gentle with you - as smooth as the silk that dressed his body. He was so pretty to watch melt away under your spell and delicious tasting. Strawberries, was that?

He was everywhere. He was everything. He always would be.

[anaxkid]

many people may not care about this but i want this post to be here.

i am russian. on sunday me and my friends got arrested at anti-war protest for being against war, police violence and genocide of ukrainian people which is happening today because that’s what putin wants. my friends were caught by riot police on the way to the protest meeting point (i.e technically they were not even protesting yet). they didn’t have no symbolic on them, no posters. as for me, i only had yellow tulips. but we still got arrested. i didn’t know what to do and stood afar waving at my friends who were at the prisoner transfer (?) and smiling because everything is so absurd it’s funny. i then also was asked to “join them” when i was trying to find in chats where the protest is going now. when this prisoner transfer was full we were taken to the police station. we spend about 3 hours there and got an official warning (got humiliated, laughed at and driven to panic attacks in the process). there will be court hearings regarding everyone arrested and many will be fined up to 20 000 rubles (285$ old ex rate, 160$ new ex rate — dollar went from 70 rubles to 125 in few days time). my mom heard recently it’s even more now — 50k rubles (two my monthly paychecks). talking about war and even calling this “special liberating operation in ukraine” a war (in social media or wherever) and spreading “fake info” about it equates to treason — and it’s not an exaggeration, it’s a real law that was passed in two days.

apart from this we’re being boycotted by the whole world, foreign companies close their russian branches and half the country will lose their jobs. prices on everything literally are 30% to 3 times higher than before.

exclusion from european council will let putin do all kinds of repressions and even bring back death penalty (russian prime minister said it himself). our opposition leaders are being killed or sent to prison for wanting to end the corruption and aggression.

every day i wake up devastated, anxious and angry. every day i check if my ukrainians moots are alive and well (not talking about safe. no one is safe in ukraine now). 13k people were arrested in russia the last week, many beaten up, tortured in police stations or in jail.

our government does everything to silence us, to scare us so much people are afraid even thinking about protesting. the rest is already brainwashed believing putin and everything on tv — the biggest propaganda source.

i wrote so much, it’s so inconsistent and rushed and not enough to describe how fcked up the situation we and ukraine are in, sorry for that, to whoever will read it. i’m just so tired and want this dictatorship to end, now it’s not only killing russians but ukrainians too.

please keep ukraine in your thoughts, donate:

ukrainian red cross — https://redcross.org.ua/en/donate/

ukrainian army aid fund — https://savelife.in.ua/ru/donate/

ukrainian suicide prevention line — https://lifelineukraine.com/donation

if you also want to help russian protesters (not sure if it’s possible to donate from other countries due to sanctions but you may check):

OVD-info, independent monitoring group (legal assistance, help pay fines) — https://donate.ovdinfo.org/

i understand the hatred towards us but i’m so sad those who do everything they can to change something are the same people who feel the most guilt of not being able to do more.

probably no one will read it but i had to get this off my chest.

i hope there’s a better future for us all.

нет войне. украине — мир, россии — свободу.

[arcadejohn127-9]

Ahhh I love your writing sm!! Could I request how the brothers would react to an MC that's super doting and overly loving from the get-go?. Always insists on helping w cooking duty, brings the brothers coffee if they look busy, etc? pls & ty!

Tbh I don't really have a love language over than verbal but this speaks to me

In game I make my MC very much like this, overly positive and always wanting to help. Not because I have to, I could easily pick more honest or teasing options but when it comes to it. My first instinct/Response is those options because I like the idea of being helpful to people

It's only when people start using that for their advantage or make me help them out even though I'm busy or just don't want to do it. That's when there's an issue.

Lucifer:

"oh~ Luci! You still working?"

You peered over at him at his desk, peaking from the space between the wall and the stair railing

He looked up at you with a tired expression, frowning

"I am, what do you need?"

you trotted down the rest of the steps, walking over to him with a bright smile

A tray in hand with coffee and biscuits and apple slices

"I made these for you, I know it isn't much but you're always working so hard... perhaps I can help?"

Lucifer wasn't too surprised, you were always offering your help whenever you could but it still surprised him you were so quick to offer

He didn't know how you had all that energy to face the day and then do more for others but he always enjoyed your company

"be my guest."

You grabbed a mini stool and sat beside him, you'd read over papers with him, massaging his hand whenever you noticed it cramped

He shared the snacks you got him and even revealed the mini snack draw he had in his desk

He put a finger to his lips with a smile

"don't tell my brother's, this will be just between you and me."

He showed you what he had and you picked whatever caught your fancy, happily eating as you looked over the papers

Mammon:

He wasn't use to Someone being nice to him so when you came along and offered acts of service - he was blown away!

Even over time he wasn't really use to it

Speaking of you and your acts or service; you were whistling a happy tune

A thick wallet in your pocket, you headed straight to mammons room

It was as if he could smell the money, he rushed to your side and started eyeing the wallet

"Stop peeking - it's a gift."

He looked at you confused but was grinning

"oh? The great Mammon can't refuse a gift!"

You placed the wallet in his hand, he let out a yelp at the weight of it

It was completely loaded!!! It was stuffed with money!

He couldn't believe it - it had to be a trick! There was no way you were giving him this much money!

"Are ya playing with me? Ha ha human."

"no tricks, you've been struggling with your debt to the witch's so I thought I'd help, I heard you've been getting in trouble with Lucifer more because of it so I wanted to help!"

He didn't even realize he teared up, he jumped towards you and hugged you close

Nuzzling your faces together as he hugged you tight

"You-! YOU DAMN HUMAN- NO YOU ANGEL! YOU'RE THE BEST THING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME!"

You patted his arm, laughing and it wasn't long before he was planning to spend a big splurge on you despite his issues with money already

Levithan:

He was shuffling into his room, headphones on and just starting to calm down

Today was hectic so he was happy to finally be back home

"Evening! Don't worry, I still used the secret password."

"HUH-?! THAT'S NOT- WHY ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?!"

He threw his headphones off, face bright red

He should of known you were up to something, you kept humming whenever you entered his room

Talking about cleaning up after himself but he kept forgetting due to getting distracted

"I noticed it's gotten really messy so I decided to clean it for you but before you say anything, I know you hate when it's cleaned because you don't know where anything so I've labelled where everything has been stored if it's changed places."

He was still upset, he REALLY hated it when things are changed without him knowing first

But he looked around the room and sure enough, things were still in the cupboards and places he stacked them in and the labels were correct

Everything was completely organized! All the piled up ramen was even gone!

He exhaled a long breathe calming himself down, he was happy - really really happy

"Thanks.... just - can we arrange something next time? But I do like what you did! It looks nice - it's much better now!"

"of course, I'll ask next time - also~ I got you some special ruri-chan themed chips in hopes to make you feel better."

He moves before he knows it, hugging you tight

"STAY WITH ME FOREVER!!!!"

He's definitely embarassed afterwards and gets you out of his room before he makes himself look more like a love sick fool

But don't worry, he texts you wanting to hang out later

Satan:

Satan has been locked in his room after having a big outburst earlier that day

He got overwhelmed from all the noises and threw a book at mammon

You waited awhile before going after him, wanting him to calm down and looked after mammons sore head

You grabbed the book he threw, making a nice calming tea and even made some Apple pie

When you knocked his door he freezed

"Who is it-?! Lucifer, I'm not in the mood for your scolding-"

"it's just me, I got you something!"

He opened the door for you, letting you inside

His room looked clean for once - you didn't doubt he continued his rage into his room and cleaned up to calm down

You offered him a smile, placing the tray on his bed

"I hope you like it, I made it myself."

He looked at the fresh apple pie, his stomach rumbling at the mere sight of it

"you did this...for me? Didn't I scare you?"

You hummed, sitting close to him

"yeah a little but everyone has their bad days, you having one doesn't change anything - though you do need to apologize to mammon."

He sat down by his bed, placing the tray on his lap

"you're right I do, thank you for not just seeing me as some angry creature....I didn't intend to blow up like that."

You patted his arm, still smiling

You two sat together, you read his book for him whilst he ate and drank

He was very bashful at how supportive you are but that was you, you've always been so quick to offer help or do things for people ever since you've arrived

You were good to him, he'll always appreciate that

Asmodeus:

His love language is affection and words

Yours is acts of service

It's perfect!

Though, when it was established you were quick to help and offer your service - prepare for MANY innuendos

He'll come skipping to you, draping himself off the nearest object and asking if you want to help him de-stress

Most of the time you just have spa days or lay around doing nothing

You decided to treat him today seeing as exams were stressing him out

"Asmo! Won't you help me? I have this lovely new-"

He's skidding as he appears in the doorway, ready to do whatever you want

But you just grinned, knowing your plan worked

You grabbed him and shoved him into a chair

Before he knew it; his hair was tied up and his jacket and scarf has disappeared

"oh? What's all this about? Does my love want some special care?"

"nope, I just want to look after you today~ you've been stressing over exams so much, I wanted to treat you like a prince."

He had the biggest grin on his face after that

And treated like a prince he was

You did his skin routine, brushed his hair and curled it

If he even mentioned being thirsty you were straight to getting him a nice refreshing drink

If you're able to - please carry him bridal style - he will love every second of it

"you treat me so well, I know I'm already a blessing to this demonic world but you're just pure light."

He's so love sick, an absolute fool in love

"nonsense, I'm just helping you like usual."

Which is true, you were always being helpful to him

Thats why he loved doing whatever he could for you

"Never leave the Devildom, I couldn't bare not seeing your beautiful face everyday."

You just laughed, massaging his face and gave him a quick kiss

Beezlebub:

Another person who does acts of service as a love language

Though, do forgive him if he forgets due to hunger - he'll immediately make it up to you

At this point he's become a subconscious challenge/game of service - always trying to one up each other

Currently, he was really anxious about his up coming game

It was the biggest one that R.A.D was having and was against a smaller school in the Devildom

The brothers all agreed to come watch him play and even made banners and levi brought glowsticks

You were no were to be seen

The weeks running up to the game you were always busy and whilst you still do some things for him here or there - you were mostly out of the house

But it was but a long lasting plan

You planned on supporting him the best way you could!

When he finally rolled onto the field he felt dread when he didn't spot you in the crowd

He couldn't stop frowning until he saw you, shaking pom poms and running with the cheersquad

That's right, you joined the cheer team to show your support for the lovely demon

"I WANT TO DEDICATE A CHEER TO OUR STAR PLAYER - BEEZLEBUB!!!"

He's so flustered and absolutely shining with joy under his helmet

As soon as he could he came running towards you and hugged you tight

"I was so worried I did something that made you drift away....you did this for me?"

"of course! I'm sorry I made you worried, I wanted to surprise you."

He had to take off his helmet after trying to nuzzle your face, you yelped when it bonked you

"This is the best thing anyone has done for me, thank you (Y/N)."

"you're welcome, now go win that game! Prove those losers that R.A.D is the best school around!"

It was no surprised that R.A.D won

The players all cheered and partied, inviting the band and cheerleaders to celebrate with them

But you decided to have a sleepover with Beelzebub, feeding him plenty of tasty foods as your own type of celebration

"Open wide."

You almost choked on the cake basically shoved in your mouth, laughing as frosting covered your nose and cheeks

You got your revenge but he happily licked what he could

This is the best celebration he could ever get

All because of you!

Belphegor:

Even if your love language wasn't acts or service, you definitely got in the habit of doing it with this guy

He was spoilt from always being carried and pampered by his twin

He could get away with sleeping anywhere as long as he got things done and good grades

But you were always the helpful human, giving him snacks or fluffing his pillows

He's joked about getting a bell so he could call you whenever he needed you

That never happened

"Belphie!! You awake? I got something for you."

He immediately popped his head up and waved to get your attention

You showed him the cup of hot mocha you've recently made; sweet and delicious and has an extra kick to help with keeping awake

"Smells delicious, you made this?"

"yep! Now drink up, we got plans today."

He happily drunk it, feeling more awake with every gulp

By the end of the Cup he was absolutely overjoyed from the taste

Though you almost groaned in frustration when he yawned, so happy that he got sleepy

"you have anymore~? I could drink loads of these- make me more, you know how to make them, I'm too sleepy - it's your fault I'm sleepy."

You flicked his head

Reminding him to not act like a brat

But you did make him more and throughout the day you'd give him a large cup

You needed to do studies and make sure belphegor kept his grades up - Lucifer's orders

But he was already a star pupil regardless so you weren't sure why you had to

But spending time with your favourite demon was never an issue, regardless of his attitude

"We need to do this more, I love it when you look after me."

"I know, now write your answer, I need proof you're working so I don't get strung up."