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i wanted to get smth to eat from the fridge because im literally this closee to fcking ending it i just want to eat, i barely ate properly the whole day, and my mom tells me to close the fridge because i can't eat at night because i'll get fat
i fucking hate my stupid life seriously and this is the person i am terrified, worried of going against and living my own life without her control
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As a person with ED this show just hits diffrent.
I get to eat and not feel the same old "im going to get fat" or "im stretching my stomach out for nothing"
I feel at peace making my own food and sitting down to eat.
I even look forward to meals,i haven't looked foreward to meals since i was 12.
Having both overweight and underweight characters who just exist,with no one commenting on it just makes me feel at peace with myself.
#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi#falin touden#marcille donato#chilchuk tims#izutsumi#tw ed but not sheeran#i found this tag i think it works here
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thinspo
#tw mia#i just want to be thin#chudosc#ed relapse#thinking#tw ed but not sheeran#chce byc lekka jak motylek#thin$po#thinspp#thinspø#tw thinspi#th1n$pø#thinsi#thinsperation
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"Rude. (2/2)"
This was a shitpost, but I accidentally made it too realistic.
The shitposty part of this was supposed to be what Ceroba said in the previous comic and how absurd it was but even with it's.. yikes.
My craving for ansgt is so bad when I try to make a shitpost it becomes depressing ... (´。_。`" )
Chapters: One || Two
#LM art#undertale yellow#undertale yellow comic#uty#uty ceroba#uty starlo#uty martlet#uty dalv#uty clover#uty ed#uty mooch#uty moray#uty ace#uty decibat#uty penilla#angst#tw#trigger warning#artists on tumblr#ganna mention when i posted the prev chapter in the subreddit they really wanted ceroba to apologize lol so i rushed in making this#could've been more emotional tbh#I didn't make a storyboard for this unfortunately#also think of this and the prev chapter as filler and it never happened LMAOO HAHAHAHAH#Ceroba never yelled at Clover in Ba Sing Se /ref
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ghost fucking soap so hard and so good he passes out but he utterly panics about it
he thinks he must’ve ignored soap asking to stop; was it pain that made him pass out? how bad could it have been to make him pass out when he’s been shot and kept going? should he bring him to medical? he’ll never touch him again, he’ll never so much as look at him again; he’ll ask for a transfer- fuck that, a dishonourable discharge. there’s no coming back from this
he spirals, guilt chasing hatred chasing despair chasing fear, until soap finally wakes back up
soap's still floating, loose-limbed and buzzing; fucked so thoroughly out of his head that it takes him a while to notice ghost isn't in bed with him anymore. he frowns, lifting a heavy head off the pillow and freezes. ghost's on the other side of the room, curled up tight in the corner as far away from soap as he could get without leaving him alone
(he would've left, would've made sure soap never had to see his face again and be reminded of what he did to him, of the monster he’d let into his bed- but he couldn't just leave him unconscious; what if he didn't wake up, he had to make sure he was safe first even if he'll rightfully hate him forever when he does wake up)
soap's voice when he calls out to him makes him flinch, his head burying deeper in his knees. cold worry chases the bliss from his blood and soap pushes himself up but his shaking arms can't hold his weight
the sound of him collapsing back onto the bed makes ghost rear up, his panic growing and soap's heart breaks at his red rimmed eyes
it takes a long time for soap to coax him back to the bed, countless loops of, "sweetheart, please, come here, what happened? it's okay, everything’s going to be okay.”
(and how ghost’s self-hatred grows hearing soap comforting him; hearing the concern and love in his voice when he doesn’t deserve a drop of it)
it takes even longer for ghost to believe soap when he says that he passed out because he felt so good; that he never asked ghost to stop, never wanted him to stop. that he trusts him more than anything and knows he'd rather die than ever hurt him, especially like that
“you’re not a monster, love,” he promises, soft with conviction and it’s as much a surrender as a relief when he collapses into his lap and lets him hold him close
ghost believes johnny but he still can't bring himself to be intimate with him for a while; that fear still haunting him, but soap doesn't hold it against him, doesn't complain about ghost's perceived "step back" in their relationship
hell, ghost seems to hate it more than he does; he misses being with soap, misses the connection, the closeness they shared, the safety and quiet he found in his embrace, but he's always trusted soap more than he trusts himself
soap doesn't let him be consumed by his fear or worse, sabotage them and turn it into a punishment; doesn't let him even get through the suggestion of switching because he knows how much he hates it and he won’t let him twist something as good and pure as their physical love into something self-harming
instead, he brings them back to the basics, working through the steps to get ghost comfortable with intimacy again, to get him to trust himself again; spends happy months just grinding and exchanging handjobs like when their relationship first started
and it's a happy day for them both when soap finally falls apart on his cock once again, anxiety the farthest thing from ghost's mind when his arms are wrapped so tightly around him, kissing a smile against his lips
#i dont want to know what it says about me but i love traumatic misunderstandings?#thing like thinking the other is sh’ing or has an ed or in this case pushed the other beyond their limits#i think its the knowledge that its not true and the love or trust of the souple will win out above the guilt or fear#even less severe ones like thinking the other is mentally ill when they actually time traveled or can see ghosts or whatever#i just really like misunderstandings that have actual weight to them#tw for ghosts comic backstory#but ghost surviving roba and the hell he put him through only to be terrified of being like him? oh that shit Hits#like ghost knows hes fucked up he knows he has trauma and he knows he likes killing people a little too much#but him being scared of that twisting into him becoming like the people that hurt him? very interesting very painful#and him ever thinking that he did that to /johnny/? it would destroy him#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#ghostsoap#soapghost#ghost cod#simon ghost riley#soap cod#john soap mactavish#we’re a team. ghost team#save post#ghoap#call of duty#cod#cod mw2#cod mwii
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Every day I feel like my life has no meaning
#thinking about sh#tw depressing stuff#tw depressing thoughts#bpd blog#bpd fp#bpd vent#bpd favorite person#bpd stuff#borderline blog#bpd#bpd shit#actually bpd#bpd thoughts#bpd safe#tw self destructive behavior#tw self h@rm#tw sh related#borderline personality traits#they left#i need to be loved#sad thoughts#borderline personality disorder#despression#dependent personality disorder#borderline pd#actually borderline#ed vent#vent#vent post
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During last year’s Chanukkah, I toured Yad Vashem. My tour guide ended with a story that will probably stick with me for the rest of my life.
A Jewish father and his son are held prisoner in Auschwitz— they are lucky, all things considered. Most Jews were gassed upon arrival. The Nazi guards instruct the prisoners that they have to dig mass graves for their fellow Jews every day. The father is appalled by this, of course, but he doesn’t have much choice. A week goes by, and the father and the son are subjected to horrors they could not have imagined before. The first Friday evening in Auschwitz, the father goes to his son and says, “I cannot work on Shabbat. I will not dig graves for Jews on Shabbat. For all my other reservations, I cannot do it, because the Talmud forbids it.” The son is barely fourteen, but he knows that if his father refuses to work, then his father will die. So he goes to meet another prisoner, a former Rabbi. The son pleads with the Rabbi to help his father see sense, and so the Rabbi and the son go together to meet with the father.
“The Talmud forbids us to work on Shabbat,” the Rabbi says, “but pikuach nefesh overrides Talmudic law when a life is in danger. Your life is in danger. Your son’s life is in danger. You are allowed to work on Shabbat.” The father begrudgingly agrees, and he saves his family’s life by digging mass graves on the day of rest.
A few months go by, and the Nazis are running low on food, so they start grinding pig hooves and guts into the slop that gets fed to the prisoners at Auschwitz. The father finds out about this and begins to starve himself. “G-d commands in the Torah us not to eat pork,” he says. The son, out of concern for his father, gets the Rabbi again. “Pikuach nefesh overrides the Torah as well as the Talmud. You must eat, for your life and for your son’s sake. Eat what is given to you. G-d will overlook violating kosher if it means surviving in a place like this.” So the father starts to eat what he is given.
Miraculously, the father and the son survive until winter. There’s never enough food for all the prisoners in Auschwitz to eat, and so there are frequent fights over scraps, but the most valuable thing in the slop is fat. Fat can keep you warmer in the winter, and it can be used to cover up and heal small injuries. If the Nazi guards noticed so much as a scratch on you, they would send you to the gas chambers that same day. Fat was gold in Auschwitz. At some point, the son noticed that the father had been ignoring food and collecting fat. He wasn’t trading it for scraps or favors, he was just keeping it. And he was starving to keep it. So once again, the son and the Rabbi approached the father.
“I’m turning it into a candle,” he said, “for Channukah.” The son and the Rabbi were appalled. The Rabbi said, “Channukah is a cultural holiday. It is not ordained by G-d. Neither the Torah nor the Talmud command you to celebrate it. Why in G-ds name would you sacrifice your food for that?” The father replied,
“You can live three days without water. You can live three weeks without food. But you cannot live three minutes without hope.”
The son and the Rabbi helped the father fashion wicks from rags and clothes, and helped steal small bits metal of metal off corpses and guards to make a spark. They lit Channukah candles in the middle of a Nazi concentration camp. The father and the son survived off of hope for the rest of that year, and they both lived to see the liberation of Auschwitz. The father died soon afterwards, but the son, Hugo Gryn, went on to become a Rabbi himself. In fact, the Rabbi of West London Synangoue, and the leader of the British Reform movement. He was described as the most beloved Rabbi in the country. He never lost sight of hope.
#Channukah#hanukkah#jumblr#shoah mention#Auschwitz mention#tw ed#I think I convered all the relevant triggers but please reach out if I’ve missed one
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I love you everyone who has a lot of acne!
I love you everyone with acne scarring!
I love you teens with acne!
I love you adults with acne!
I love you everyone with nodulocystic acne!
I love you everyone with cystic acne!
I love you everyone with hormonal acne!
I love you everyone with papulopustular acne!
I love you everyone with nodular acne!
I love you everyone with acne mechanica!
I love you everyone with painful acne!
I love you everyone who gets acne flare ups!
I love you everyone who has been brushed off or neglected by doctors!
I love you everyone who experiences acne as a side effect of medication!
I love you everyone where medication didn’t help your acne!
I love you everyone who is insecure or upset about their acne!
I love you all.
#never struggled a lot with acne i had so many other issues to worry about but I think about it a lot#mental health#positivity#self care#mental illness#self help#recovery#ed recovery#acne#bpd#self healing#self esteem#self love#self worth#self improvement#body positivity#mentally ill#insecure#reminders#self h@rm#actually mentally ill#autism#autistic#girl interrupted#girlblogging#thinspø#tw ed ana#bipolar#mentally fucked#mentally unwell
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a 2 act tragedy starring me: i’ve been making fruit smoothies in the morning for a few days which has been great because it’s getting me to actually eat fruit for once, only to go on the internet and be told that it apparently releases all the natural sugars so it's actually Not that great for you and i am devastated
#ramble#i thought i was doing myself SO many favours#i ENJOY FRUIT i just don’t eat it for some reason related to adhd#context i am a long term ED sufferer so this kind of thing upsets me#honestly i don't care that much because it feels like it's better than Zero Fruit#can any dieticians put my mind at ease#someone explain how ‘the natural sugars are released and become Bad Sugar’ makes sense. like it’s all just the FRUIT#chanting to myself ‘there are no bad foods there are no bad foods there are no bad foods’#like the Nutrients are still there and some of the fibre is still there#tw ed#on a lighter note current fave is pineapple+orange#also kiwi which i didn’t think would be good#edit: WAIT YOU’RE RIGHT WOULDN’T THE SUGARS BE RELEASED THE EXACT SAME WAY BY JUST CONSUMING THE FRUIT. WHAT THE FUCK
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i love interacting with strangers under the ED Tags
#an4rexia#4nam1a#4n4mi4#pro ans#tw ed vent#ed bllog#ed not sheeren#tw ana diary#ana trigger#tw ana shit#ana stuff#tw restriction#i will show love to everyone#i think you’re all cool#hi guys#tw ed diet#ana meal
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notice how i only eat one meal a day? very demure, very mindful <3
#very demure ana#tw ana bløg#4nor3xia#pro for only myself#4norexla#ana moment#tw ed bllog#ed but not ed sheeran#4n@diary#@tw edd#ana tip#tw ed ana#analog#4nablr#4n4t1ps#4n4memes#sw33tsp0#? i guess#??? idk#??? i think
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ED 10: Help Seems like the only thing help brought you was a splitting headache...
#Elevator Hitch#Elehitch#Elevator Hitch Protag#Studio Investigrave#artists on tumblr#illustration#digital art#cw blood#tw blood#fan art#the creativity process#i did have the general composition for this one for a while#but the full composition only really came to me a day ago while i was trying to sleep#thanks ED 10 protag for projecting the pose i needed to draw you :pray:#also i keep thinking of an au where like. protag gets shot but he still functions normally and gets hired still#so imagine handing papers to this newbie and going into his cubicle to see. no head#so no head? [i get shot like protag]#id in alt
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my arfid ass every time there’s a Gathering with Food at work and my coworkers remember that I exist
#tw ed#tw arfid#just leave me alone pls ffs#just Let Me Be#‘what do you eat??’ souls of my enemies#‘you should be Smaller’ you should shut the fuck up#it’s nice that they care but I’m just tired of playing the same quiz for 23 years#do you think i chose it#tw: ed#arfid#twilight 2008
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an ame with which it's debatable whether he knows (probably, distantly.) or acknowledges (no) that he's a little *squeak* in the brain but it really throws him off balance when others notice . but he's not subtle... i think you go grocery shopping with him and he's very obviously turning things around to read the back but if he feels like you're staring he starts overheating. 20 minutes later he's still thinking about it and goes "haha yeah did i tell you im allergic to somethingxylathamine-B and gotta check everything for it? that's why i was doing that. by the way. if you were wondering." but you already forgot what he's referring to...
#ed ment tw#i don't think this is often a big deal for him though. except when it has to be (unignorable suffering).#if it's ever a big deal for someone else he'll kill them both#slop#lore#aph america#there are many factors at play here which makes this fun to me. there's also a sensory aspect. and also a silly anime girl who likes burger#this might mysteriously disappear later ooo who knowsss ooooo mysteriousss#i assign him ednos realness to keep him on his toes.#if there was a pattern or steadiness to his actions he’d get used to it which would make this less miserable#surprise ame you get a diagnostic (ame seethe) and you get the vague “something is wrong buddy” diagnostic (ame harder seethe)#(well no he doesn't because he doesn't get psych'd. haha dude what do you mean. he's totally fine. he's awesome)#throws this and runs in the opposite direction and hides#emeto cw#also#myart
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Izzy's apology in the finale seems to have taken some people by surprise. During the break between seasons, I tried a few times to politely bring up the fact that Izzy was technically abusing Ed. Not because I wanted anyone to stop liking him (you can like a character who's doing abuse! it's not real. who cares), but because I was worried about the reaction when season two came out. I love this show very much and I know how tumblr can get. Most importantly, I love fucked up fictional relationships and cannot abide people making these two boring. So here we go. (I also love lists)
First. Emotional abuse can occur in intimate relationships, family relationships like father and son, or in the workplace (Ed/Izzy triple threat!). Second, it has to be an ongoing thing. Someone doing one of these things once is not abuse. Abuse is a pattern of cruel and frightening behavior in order to control the victim.
(Don't feel bad if you didn't notice this stuff! It's relatively subtle and we're kind of trained to ignore and forgive it, especially from characters like Izzy. I wasn't 100% sure I was right about this either until season two confirmed it. I think a lot of people don't even know what emotional abuse is, at least where I live.)
Below are some pretty solid warning signs (this said "criteria" before but I changed it to be more accurate) for emotional abuse, followed by examples:
•Monitoring and controlling a person’s behavior, such as who they spend time with or how they spend money.
One of Izzy's main motivations in season one was trying to force Ed to act more like his image of Blackbeard. To achieve that, he bullied, belittled, and threatened Ed. He attempted to kill Stede because Ed was spending too much time with him and he felt that Stede was a bad influence.
• Threats to a person’s safety, property, or loved ones
He tried to kill Stede (Ed's loved one) or get him killed several times. Once trying to get Ed to do it himself with the doggy heaven situation, once directly with the duel, and once by calling in the navy.
He didn't directly threaten Ed's safety until episode ten, but he did seem to have Ed convinced that the crew would kill him if Izzy wasn't there to protect him and then when Ed did things he didn't like, Izzy threatened to leave. It's indirect, but has the same result: Ed felt he was unsafe unless he did what Izzy wanted.
• Isolating a person from family, friends, and acquaintances
Izzy seemed to keep Ed isolated from the crew, act as a go-between, and control their perceptions of each other to a certain extent. In the first few episodes, Ed was always shown alone in his goth cabin with Izzy as his only contact. When he started to make new friends Izzy tried to make him kill them.
After Izzy was banished, he secretly sent Ed's ex in to manipulate him and get him away from his new community. Then he got them all arrested, culminating in the deal he made with the English that would have made Ed his prisoner. Not sure that was on purpose, but it was so fucked up I had to mention it.
The bit that really got me, for some reason, was when Frenchie asked after Ed and Izzy told the crew he was sick.
• Demeaning, shaming, or humiliating a person
Izzy is often shown berating Ed and yelling at him. The way Ed reacts suggests to me that he may be used to this kind of treatment from people in general, or from Izzy in particular. He never leaves or asks him to stop, he just takes it.
• Extreme jealousy, accusations, and paranoia
He was so jealous of Ed's relationship with Stede that he got the literal military involved. His explanation to for why Ed enjoys spending time with Stede was that he has "done something to [Ed's] brain." Like, what magic powers do you think he has, Izzy?
• Making acceptance or care conditional on a person’s choices
Izzy made it very clear that he would only support Ed if he conformed to the Blackbeard persona. He also seemed to have Ed convinced that there was no way he could survive without Izzy's support.
I just realized that if you subscribe to the headcanon that Izzy acts as a sort of caretaker to Ed (I do not) then all of this is way more fucked up.
• Constant criticism, ridicule, or teasing.
In season one he criticized everything Ed did, all his plans, even while telling him to come up with more plans. He ridiculed Ed and called him names pretty often: "twat, namby-pamby, insane." Even in season two when he's doing better, most of their interactions consist of Izzy teasing and making fun of Ed for being mopey or in love.
• Refusing to allow a person to spend time alone
I didn't think of this until now, but Izzy is often around when Ed thinks he's alone. He knows about things that happen in scenes he isn't in. Izzy's always sort of lurking, though? And he does it to everyone. So I'm not sure if we should count this one.
• Thwarting a person’s professional or personal goals
He's ok about piracy related goals, but as soon as Ed tried to do something other than that he got so weird about it. "This crew is so talented, why are we even being pirates?" is what got Izzy to threaten Ed. Which is interesting because he was fine with the retirement idea before, when he thought he'd get to be captain.
• Instilling feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness
"insane unpleasant shell of a man merely posing as blackbeard." "I should have let the English kill you. This... whatever it is you've become is a fate worse than death."
• Gaslighting: making a person question their competence and even their basic perceptual experiences.
He called Ed insane and implied that the crew would mutiny if he wasn't there to stop them. This is clearly untrue, as we were already shown that his method of "massaging the crew" consisted of calling Ed half insane and pulling Fang's beard even though Fang hates that. The fact that he calls Ed insane more than once while at the same time trying to get him to act more insane seems like basic gaslighting to me. Then again, Izzy's definition of "insanity" may be like, depression, crying, showing emotions, loneliness, and enjoying softness.
[can't find a gif of this so just imagine Ed in the gravy basket with Hornigold saying "you're worried you're insane."]
Something that wasn't on this specific list but is generally considered part of emotional abuse is manipulation: the use of indirect tactics to change someone's thoughts, feelings, or behaviors in an attempt to influence them for personal gain.
I think Izzy often tries to be manipulative. He's not the greatest at it, but it's the thought that counts. He manages to be surprisingly successful through persistence and repetition.
He's got Ed convinced from the first time we see them that he is useless as a captain without Izzy. That's why Ed feels like he needs him. He tells him that the only thing standing between Ed and a crew constantly on the brink of mutiny is Izzy. Then he tells him that he will leave if he can't live up to his expectations.
He has a pattern of lying to Ed or not telling him the whole truth. He threatens him directly and indirectly in an attempt to influence him and control his behavior. He wants power, whether he gets it by becoming a captain when Ed retires or by making sure Ed remains powerful by any means necessary.
this is what he was apologizing for, along with the years of being terrible to Ed before Stede came into the picture. I never expected him to admit it so clearly like that. He fed Ed's "darkness," poked at his trauma for so long because he needed Blackbeard. It was something they did together, and he enjoyed Blackbeard's dominance and cruelty.
Of course there are other things that can be part of this kind of abuse, like infantilization, silence, and harassment. There are more examples of abusive behavior from Izzy at the start of season two, especially in the scene where Ed's asking Izzy to kill him. but I am not ready to get into that right now.
Anyway, Ed and Izzy's storylines in season two only make sense to me with this in mind. Ed is recovering from not only the suicide attempts but also this fucked up situation he was in, whether he realizes it or not. Izzy learns to stop being such a shitboy and admits he was wrong. ~growth~
if you interpret their relationship differently that's obviously fine. but I think this is the most interesting interpretation, as well as what was intended. It's no fun for me when people make them both equally awful to each other. I like it better as it is in the show: Ed fighting back against Izzy's emotional abuse with physical violence, which only ends up traumatizing him further. It's such a unique and fascinating story.
#our flag means death#Ed Teach#izzy hands#ed/izzy#blackbeard#ed/stede#tw abuse#abuse cw#@piratecaptainscaptainpirates#I should have posted this a long time ago but#I was kind of afraid you guys would kill me lmao#I think we're good now#we can talk about this#if you think of anything else I'll add it#one more thing I didn't know how to fit in here#is the way Izzy really wants Ed to be violent#to other people but also to him#when Ed doesn't want to do that#and is specifically triggered by being violent#also the first thing that really made me go#hey wait a minute#about Izzy was when he apologized to Ed for calling him a 'shell of a man' while he was 'leaving'#Ed said 'no. you were right. about all of it.'#and then Izzy immediately went back to being a dick to him two episodes later#reminds me so much of what one of my friends went through#wow this is so long
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omg ana and mia coded ❤️💙
#LMFAOAOAO SORRY#its a good idea in theory but...#if i get t.rmed the one time i use tags im jumping#light as a feather#i hope you guys know i think im hilarious#🕯️as a feather#@nor3×14#ed but not ed sheeran#3ating d1sorder#@n@ diary#tw ed not ed sheeren#ed not blackbeard#@tw edd#an0rec1a#tw skipping meals#@n@ tips#tw ed implied#tw ed mia#i need to be weightless#tw restriction#tw ed ana#tw eating issues#eating disoder trigger warning#ed ednotsheeran restriction#a4a diary#lose weight fast#tw ana bløg#3d blog#@na buddy#a4a tips
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