#including the chance to decide for ourselves

[feralkwe]

as an indigenous woman i am only going to say this once: i need all the concerned citizens out there screaming colonialism and racism over the trailer for dawntrail to take a fucking seat and give the rest of us a chance to see what squenix does with it.

i want to assume you only have good intentions with this, but ffs we cannot simultaneously complain that everything is set in fantasy european analogs and scream racism whenever someone tries to do something outside of that.

there is so little media set in fantasy america analogs, but what is really grinding my gears is that you are essentially saying that any depiction of our cultures is inherently racist since you cannot possibly at this time know that this is some sort of colonialism story. we deserve depictions too, and we deserve the chance to see for ourselves if it measures up. we deserve fantasy stories that we can see ourselves in.

so please, give us a chance to enjoy something that might be representative of us. and trust us to tell you that it's offensive after we see it play out. if you have to block people over being excited, i can't stop you, but you need to realize that we don't need you to white knight for us.

[vaspider]

Listen to me. Listen very carefully:

They are trying to wear you out.

They are trying to wear you out, and they own most major social media now, along with many major media outlets. The disinformation machine is cranking along. You are going to have to slow the fuck down and read things before you help them wear out other people, too.

So you just saw a post about a real scary bill, hunh? Republicans want to make it a capital offense to pet dogs and repeal The Sky Is Blue Act of 1793, declaring the new official color of the sky to be squant? Damn, that sounds scary.

Let's go look up this fictitious "Make The Sky Squant Again Act" on GovTracker* & on the official legislative tracker on congress.gov!

Well, let's see... GovTracker estimates it has a 1% chance of even getting out of committee and a 0% chance of being enacted, while congress.gov says this bill has 2 cosponsors who have been in the House and combined total of less than a month. The bill doesn't have any actual text, and it was referred to 5 different committees.

That fictitious bill and a hundred others like it are quite literally not worth your time, and more than that, continuing to wring your hands about it and tell other people about the scary scary squant sky bill only does their work for them. It scares people, it makes them spend time and energy on it, and it wears them out. It is a legislative Gish Gallop, meant to throw so many things at people that we can't keep up.

Even calling or messaging your Rep in this case means their staffer has to waste time responding to you and letting you know that Representative Buttzonheads definitely won't support making petting dogs a capital offense, a thing that will never, ever happen regardless.

Staying engaged in this environment is going to require protecting your heart and protecting your energy, yes, but also protecting the energy of others. This is why WWII propaganda posters also included ones taking people to task for spreading panicky rumors and undermining morale.

Do you know why most observant Jews don't eat chicken and dairy together, even though the ban is on red meat and dairy together bc you're not supposed to cook the calf in the milk of its mother?** It's not because we think that chicken might secretly lactate or Just Because. It's because the rabbis decided that if I'm sitting out in public and eating turkey and cheese together, someone might glance at the turkey and mistake it for red meat and think, "oh, well, I know that Spider is a good Jew, there must have been a change, or maybe I can just justify it to myself that if Spider does it, it must be permissible to bend the rules just that much." And I would then be accidentally leading my fellow Jew astray. We are responsible for being even more careful for the sake of others than we are for ourselves.

It's the same principle here. We need to really be careful about the information we are spreading and check things past reading a news site. Is it true? Is it relevant? Is it meaningful? Is the news site one I recognize? Can I find meaningful independent corroboration on another site, which is to say, if I find an article about it on a second site, is it just quoting or rephrasing this site?

Yeah, that is a lot. But that's how we keep them from using us to lead our fellows astray.

*GovTracker is an independent site. They explain their methodology in their About section.

**I cannot say enough how I am not at this time interested in going on a Jewish Side Quest About Dietary Laws on this post. Usually, I love it, but hold off this time, please, y'all. Let's stay on target this once.

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Writing Notes: Character Development

Rick Riordan's Writing Tips

Rick Riordan:

Character development is paramount for me. I firmly believe that plot and character development must occur simultaneously. Plot cannot be left to chance. Neither can characters be automatons who carry out actions envisioned in the author's master plan. Below are some things I try to keep in mind when developing my characters:

RICK RIORDAN'S TOP 5 TIPS ON CHARACTER

Define a character first through action, second through dialog and description, never through explanation.

A character should be primarily defined by the choices he makes, and the actions he takes.

How does he respond to violence?

How does he respond to love?

Secondly, a character must be vividly but deftly describe through his speech, and through the initial view you give the reader.

Never stop to explain who a character is when we can watch him in action and decide for ourselves.

Be impressionist rather than realistic.

Describe characters as Dickens did – with a single deft stroke.

A laundry list of physical traits is realistic, but it is neither memorable nor compelling.

A jarring metaphor for the character, or a focus on one mannerism or physical trait, can be very compelling.

Example: She was a human tornado.

Do not be afraid to use real people as models, but do not be constricted by your models.

It is very natural to use parts of ourselves or the people we know when creating characters.

Do not be afraid to do this because someone might get mad at you.

At the same time, let your character develop.

Do not force them to do what the real-life model would do.

Characters seldom end up exactly like the real people they are based on.

The reader does not have to be told everything you know about the character.

It may be critically important to you that your character has blue eyes, or went to Texas A&M.

But if these details have no part in the story, the reader will not care.

Leave them in your subconscious.

If you are having trouble figuring out a character, fill out a character profile, or do some journaling in that character's voice.

Your character must act, not simply be acted upon.

We care about characters because we are interested in the choices they make.

We want to boo the villain, cheer the hero, and cry with frustration when the tragic figure makes the wrong move.

A character who does not act, but simply receives information and is acted upon by outside forces, is not a character who will compel the reader.

Remember, plot is what the characters do next.

If the characters do not create the plot, the plot is hollow.

Here's a character profile worksheet I sometimes fill out if I'm having trouble understanding a particular character I've created:

Character Profile

Name:

Height:

Age in story:

Birthplace:

Hair color, length, style:

Race/nationality:

Regional influences:

Accent: (include voice, style of speech, slang, signature phrases or words)

Religion:

Marital status:

Scars or other notable physical attributes:

Handicaps: (emotional, physical, mental)

Athletic? Inactive? Overall health?

Style of dress:

Favorite colors:

How does the character feel about his/her appearance?

Brothers/sisters:

Relationship with parents:

Memories about childhood:

Educational background: (street smart? Formal? Does he/she read?)

Work experience:

Occupation:

Where does the character live now? Describe home (emotional atmosphere as well as physical)

Neat or messy?

Sexual preferences/morals/activities:

Women friends/men friends:

Pets?

Enemies? Why?

Basic nature:

Personality traits (shy, outgoing, domineering, doormat, honest, kind, sense of humor):

Strongest trait:

Weakest trait:

What does the character fear?

What is the character proud of?

What is the character ashamed of?

Outlook on life (optimistic, pessimistic, cynic, idealist)

Ambitions:

Politics:

How does the character see himself/herself?

How is the character seen by others?

Do you like this person? Why or why not?

Will readers like or dislike?

Most important thing to know about this character:

Present problem:

How it will get worse:

What is the character's goal in the story?

What traits will help/hurt the character in achieving this goal?

What makes the character different from similar characters?

Why will readers remember this character vividly?

Source ⚜ Writing Notes & References

[botanical-garden-system]

Some of the people I have seen say they have non-disordered plurality have a lot of extreme dissociative symptoms from what they post. System conflicts, huge memory gaps, inability to control switches, extreme depersonalization/derealization symptoms.

This is not to deny someone’s experience, but more of a gentle reminder that if your experiences with plurality causes genuine distress? You may want to learn more about how dissociative disorders impact functions.

I don’t really understand any labels outside of traumagenic and maybe endogenic. I can’t even begin to really wrap my head around plurality not causing dissociation—it’s just not my experience at all. It’s a big reason why I decline arguing in any debates, but I have a pretty good idea of how my DID has impacted me.

I will feel like shit and not understand why because my emotions are highly fragmented. There could be something wrong, I could feel it occasionally, but I have no clue at all why I am experiencing this level of distress.

I know of a major traumatic experience in my childhood that could have caused my DID, but I genuinely remember little to nothing about my life and the factors are endless. When I do find stuff talking about my experiences, it sets me back and almost “triggers me” back into a state where I was during that time (I have no recollection still even after these triggers happen).

Skills and knowledge are somewhat distinctive between parts. Some parts have had full blown meltdowns because they didn’t understand an assignment, and when someone else switched in, they knew exactly what to do.

“Wishing to be a system�� played a huge part in my formation, but it wasn’t wishing to be a system. It was wishing I had someone to talk to/had friends surrounding me because I was emotionally neglected as a child—this was around ages 6-10, so this thought process had a lot of impacts. I verbally talked to these parts and they often knew information I never remembered learning, and they often came around the most when I was lonely.

I don’t have a stable identity, and I haven’t had one for the entirety of my life. If I try to sit and think about it, my head will turn to TV static and shut off any chance of understanding my situation. I spend about 80-90% of my time going through the motions of life without any acknowledgment of my identity, thoughts, feelings, sensations, or perceptions in life.

Trauma doesn’t have to be a serious case of SA or physical abuse, it is possible it could be years of emotional neglect causing you to turn inward. Bullying, oppression, poverty, disability, physical illness, messy divorces/parents NOT divorcing, war, and many other issues are extremely taxing on a child.

This disorder is covert and nearly undetectable in most cases. Sometimes this means that it’s nearly impossible to see in ourselves. The whole point is to hide and make sure we “function” correctly in society, even at the expense of ourselves. It’s a coping mechanism our brain decided was the safest route to survive.

Identity disruptions, memory gaps, and all these things are not stable, concrete experiences. They are fluid. They can be wildly inconsistent, and you don’t have to be on the far end of the spectrum to experience these issues.

I’m not saying this as a genuine diagnosis of “You MUST have DID” because there are many different aspects that could impact this. I know that there are also like- labels that encompass different aspects that include trauma. However, this is just something I have noticed while scrolling through tumblr recently. This also isn’t targeted in any way, but if it resonates with you, I think learning about DID in medical contexts isn’t a bad idea (or at least learning of dissociation).

I have seen that a big reason many people get nervous to interact with traumagenic spaces is because of how aggressive and toxic they can be, which I understand is definitely a problem we see. It’s definitely a product of how DID is and what societal hatred does to marginalized communities. I take a very chilled and laid back approach to pretty much anything, so if you feel too scared to interact with the traumagenic community, I don’t mind trying to help!

[embracing-the-ineffable]

Neil Gaiman: There Is No Safeword (via Vulture/New York Magazine)

This new article about NG from Vulture/New York Magazine is so much more damning and humanizing, and so much more impartial and well written, than anything I'd seen last year. I hate that it's necessary but I'm glad we have it now.

[ get over the paywall with archive.is or 12ft.io ]

TW for a more damning retelling of many of the allegations we heard about via various podcasts during summer 2024, plus likely abuse of a child (Neil) and alleged sexual activity in the presence of a child (Neil's). (NG's representatives still deny all allegations.)

Also a more fair discussion of what healthy BDSM actually is (including enthusiastic consent, advance negotiation, respect, communication, and the use of safe words or signals).

Take care of yourself and mind how you go if/when you decide to read it.

Or read this shorter but still official press release/summary from NY Magazine - it's much less explicit/triggery:

My biggest initial takeaway from this - as someone who was already familiar with the previous allegations - is how deeply important it is to address trauma in healthy ways that will help you move towards resolving it. When trauma lingers, it affects you in ways you may not expect or be able to control. This is NOT an excuse for anyone's behavior, and NOT a reason anyone should be victimized; it's just a reminder that we all have a duty as adults to do the work to move towards the best versions of ourselves, and unresolved trauma is lurking, waiting to hurt you or the people who love you. Find a therapist you click with or another healthy outlet and start working through it. Talk to loved ones. Journal. Exercise. Read. Whatever nourishes you and helps you move through the trauma. Please. If not for yourself, then for the people who love you ❤️

And please, everyone, be radically fucking kind to everyone as they process this in their own ways.

Edit: NG posted a response on his website the day after the Vulture article was released:

[ju111cybbysmut]

How we feeling about a lil TodoIida x reader 3 way

What's Your Fantasy?

Husband!Tenya Iida x Fem!Reader x Bestfriend!Shoto Todoroki

→ Masterlist ☆ Synopsis → Iida and his wife, reader, attend a reunion party at UA. Reader whisks Tenya away from the party to get frisky in a secluded area, only to be discovered by her close friend from high school, Shoto. ☆ Content Warning → reader and iida are married, tenya is lowkey secretly freaky, everyone's a bit buzzed from champagne, threesome, oral (both male and female receiving), lots and lots of kissing, fingering! shoto has unrequited feelings for reader. ☆ Author's Note → Heyyy, wasn't entirely sure if you wanted Iida and Todoroki to do gay with each other, so I didn't include it in this! But I can always make a part two where they do kiss and interact with each other in that manner! So just let me know! I'll probably cook up a part two where the three do more than oral! :) -Juicy

Tenya whistled as you came out the bathroom in your new dress he had bought you. “You look amazing.” He observed, taking your hand with a small grin.

“You think so?” You enquired and shot a grin back as he kissed your temple. “I know so.” You and Tenya were invited to a high school reunion at UA. Plenty of well-known heroes were going to be attending, including some of your former classmates.

“Shoto actually messaged me yesterday, said he was looking forward to seeing us.” Tenya said as they headed out to the car. You hummed as you opened the passenger door. It’d be nice to see Shoto, you two were close back in UA, but as the world got busier, so did the both of you - which led to not contacting each other as often.

Time and time again, Shoto had to remind himself - You were married now. And as much as he loved you, he had to put those feelings aside. He never got the chance to confess to you. But maybe things were better this way. He had seen all your posts with your husband. You were always smiling so big, holding the camera and holding up a peace sign - Iida in the background smiling as well. Shoto had seen your wedding photos as well. He'd be lying if he had said he didn't wish it were him instead of Iida. But he respected your husband. They were friends too, after all. Shoto's expression remained neutral, looking at his reflection as he tied his tie. He wasn't sure if he wanted to go. He'd have to say hi to you, pretend like he hadn't tried to wipe you out of his memory. He looked down when a notification popped up on his phone. Just now → From (Y/N) Tenya told me you were going to be there, see you soon!

Shoto pressed his lips into a line for a moment, before sighing and hearting the message. Ignoring you was proving to be more difficult than he originally thought.

The gym was bustling with music and liveliness as graduates shared drinks. Some danced and some just conversed. "It was so romantic, Tenya surprised me by taking us out to the coffee shop where we had our first date. The owner let him use it after hours, so we had the whole place to ourselves. He set the mood with candles and everything." You beamed and smiled to Uraraka and Midoriya, showing them the ring. "You two are perfect together." Ochako smiled and grabbed your hands, "We missed you so much, I'm so glad you came!" She giggled. You smiled back, squeezing her hands. "I'm glad I decided to come as well. It's been so nice catching.... up." You trailed off as you looked behind the brunette, noticing who just came into the gym- Shoto! Your smile grew bigger, waving at the man but when his eyes met yours, he looked away and walked off. Weird. Tenya had noticed this, raising a brow. You looked back to Tenya, noticeably hurt by Shoto's demeanor as your hands fell from Ochako's. The brunette turned and began to catch up with Midoriya.

"Did you see that?" You murmured as you walked over to your husband, brows knitted with concern. "He completely just avoided me-" Tenya placed a hand on your shoulder, "Don't worry, I'll go check on him. You stay here and have fun, yeah?" He consoled you, kissing your temple briefly as he left to go find Shoto.

Tenya pushed up his glasses as he walked out of the gym, closing the doors behind him. He wiped his palms on his pants as he looked both ways, unsure of where Shoto went. Shoto had managed to escape to the front of the building. He let out a soft sigh, it was pretty obvious he was avoiding you. Maybe coming to the party wasn't the best idea, but in a sense, he was glad he came. He wanted to see you, of course - but seeing Iida was still a reminder that you weren't his. The two toned male sighed and turned around when he heard footsteps. Tenya stood behind him, hands in his pockets. Shoto was a bit surprised that it was his friend who followed him and not you.

Shoto looked at the ground, avoiding Iida's gaze. "You're lucky, you know." Shoto said after a moment of silence. "Having her. You're lucky." Shoto didn't know why he was admitting this, maybe he needed a push, or to say what he's been wanting to say since he had met you.

Iida seemed speechless. "If I had the courage you had back then, she wouldn't be yours. She'd be mine." Shoto frowned, gripping the railing he was leaning on. Iida stayed quiet. Honestly, Iida should've punched Shoto in the face for this. But he couldn't. That wasn't who he was, the two respected each other. "Shoto, you're one of my former classmates. When you're unhappy, so is (Y/N). She misses you deeply. And I'm not dumb. I see the way she looks at you." He folded him arms and looked away for a moment. "So, if she's open to the idea. Then I think we could work something out."

"You're back! Was everything okay?" You asked with a frown, taking Tenya's hand.

Iida squeezed your hand. "Everything's fine." He said gently, kissing the back of your hand. You raised a brow, you knew there was something else, but you didn't want to press on. You sighed, squeezing his hand back.

Iida had no issue with you dating Shoto as well, just as long as you were happy and he was happy - Iida would be happy. He wasn't sure how to approach the topic, however. Your cheeks were a bit flushed as you looked up at your husband and you smiled, eyes drifting away from his as you analyzed his features. "Is something wrong?" He raised a brow, looking down at you. You shook your head, "No no, you just look so nice tonight." You squeezed his hand, "This is really good champagne." “That it is.” Iida said with a smile, wrapping an arm around your waist, pulling you in a bit. Iida would be lying if he said he couldn’t wait to get home so he could rip off that dress. You were thinking the same thing, but several steps ahead of him. Why wait, right? "Tenya, baby, can we go somewhere private?" You murmured, hooking a finger into his pocket playfully. His cheeks tinted red, "Wha-What? Honey, you do know we're at a public event right now?" Tenya looked away timorously. “Yeah. I know, but who cares? I wanna enjoy some of my perfect, amazing husband~” You cooed and poked his cheek, smirking at how red Tenya’s cheeks had gotten. “Let’s go~” You whispered in his ear and started to drag your husband to the empty teacher's lounge on the third floor, away from any party goers.

Tenya was still speechless, not sure how to react, as you opened the door, shoved him inside and pushed the door behind you. "Mhhf-" Iida's eyes widened a little as you pushed him onto the sofa, kissing him feverishly. You straddled his hips, your hands roaming all over his body before resting on his cheeks. His cheeks burned red, and his glasses fogged up as you swarmed him with kisses. Tenya tried to keep up, lips meeting yours hungrily. You giggled into the kiss, lips moving to his glasses and taking them between your teeth, pulling them off friskily. The blue-haired man blushed furiously at this, the blood rushing to his cock only becoming harder to ignore.

Todoroki was roaming the empty halls of UA, champagne in hand as he reminisced on the past. Should he ask you out to a coffee or something and tell you how he felt? Or would that be too sudden-?

These questions were swirling around in his head, making him dizzy. He couldn't tell if it was because of what Iida had said, or how tipsy Shoto was. Shoto took a sip of his champagne and stopped for a moment when he heard soft giggling and humming coming from a room down the hall. He walked down to the only cracked door in the hall, hesitantly peeking through. You were on your knees, back facing the door, between Iida's knees. Shoto gulped, he felt as if he couldn't look away. Your head was bobbing up in down, legs curled to your side and heels kicked off. Tenya's eyes were glued to you, hand threading in your hair as you took as much as you could of him into your mouth. "Just like that.." Your husband breathed out shakily, eyes half-lidded, free hand gripping the arm of the sofa. Shoto's cheeks were dusted pink, eyes widened. His eyes were glued to you and Iida in the room. He knew he should look away...but he couldn't. His mind was too busy thinking how he wanted to be in Iida's place. You looked up at Iida and continued to do what you were doing, unaware that it wasn't just your husband who was watching you. You pulled off Iida's painfully hard cock with a pop, wiping your mouth with the back off your hand as you began to lazily stroke him with your hand. "Is it good, baby?" Your sultry tone was just enough to send Todoroki flying into orbit, his dick springing up in his pants. He let out a quiet gasp, hand flinging to cover his boner, accidently knocking the door open.

You gasped audibly, head jerking around to meet Shoto's fearful gaze. "Shoto!" Your eyes were wide like a deer in headlights, lips parting in shock. Tenya was a little less shocked than you, pulling his blazer over his erection as your hand moved away. "I- I'm sorry, I didn't-" Apologies spewed from the two-toned man's mouth, cheeks as bright as apples as he looked away. Your eyes trailed down, noticing his hand over his crotch. "Shoto, are you..?" "...yeah..." He mumbled. Shoto could die from embarrassment right now, he was sure of it. You pursed your lips, heart pounding out of your chest. You felt your hand being squeezed and you turned back to your husband, looking up at him. "What do you say, should we let him join?" Iida murmured with a cocked brow, corner of his mouth twitching into a grin. "...Let him join?" You asked, looking back to Shoto.

Shoto groaned as you took him into his mouth. He had taken Iida's place on the couch, knees trembling ever so slightly as your tongue slid up the vein on the underside of his cock. Iida was standing beside you, gently rocking his hips as you stroked his throbbing member. "You're.... really good at this..." Shoto managed to choke out, eyes widening as you took him deeper, flushed tip nearly hitting the back of your throat. Your eyes were closed for a moment in concentration, before opening again and meeting Shoto's. He gulped. He looked so delicious right now, and honestly this was moment was perfect. The two most important people in your life, right at your fingertips. You pulled off his cock, tongue sliding over the tip before moving over to Iida, taking him into your mouth and stroking Shoto. You hollowed out your cheeks, looking up at Iida with watery eyes as he praised you, stroking your head like he always did. Shoto got a better view of you sucking Iida off, letting out a groan as his cock twitched with desperation. You hummed around Iida's cock, free hand holding onto his muscular thigh for support. You were about to go deeper before Iida gently pulled you, by your hair, off his cock. "You're doing so good taking care of us, let us take care of you." He suggested, helping you stand up. You nodded, kissing Tenya deeply. He cupped your cheeks, tongue raking over your bottom lip. You hummed, pulling back and looking down at Shoto who sat idly on the couch. "Shoto, come here." You beckoned, grabbing his hands and helping him up with a giggle. Shoto opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. You smile up at him, kissing his lips tenderly. His eyes widened but soon closed as he kissed you back, fingers itching to touch you. Tenya wastes no time, unzipping the back to your dress. He kisses up your spine, stopping at the back of your neck and nipping softly. Your place a hand on Shoto's chest, fingers drumming against his heart as your tongue delves deeper into his mouth. He groans into your mouth, moving a hand to cup your cheek. Tenya hums as your dress falls to the ground, trailing kisses down from your neck, down your spine, to the soft flesh of your ass. He plants another kiss here, now on his knees. Tenya places a hand on your inner thigh, parting your legs slightly. Shoto parts from you, nipping your bottom lip before getting on his knees as well. You lift your right leg, resting your thigh over Shoto's shoulder. He wastes no time, leaning forward and swiping his tongue through your wet folds. You let out a soft gasp, watching as he devours you whole. Tenya kisses the back of your thigh before dipping his fingers into your slick, sliding his middle finger into you. You let out a whine at this, closing your eyes as your head fell back. Tenya slaps your thigh, "Don't be rude, baby, watch him eat you out. So devoted." Your husband hums. "S-Sorry..." You mumbled out, cheeks hot as you looked back down, eyes meeting Shoto's. He gazed into your eyes with admiration, half-lidded as he lapped at your clit, dragging his tongue across the swollen bundle of nerves. "Is he doing well?" Tenya rasped, pumping his finger in and out of you. "Yeah.." You hummed, reaching down and threading your fingers through Shoto's hair. The man hummed against your pussy, moving a hand to your thigh and rubbing affectionately. Tenya added another digit, sinking his two fingers in knuckles deep. You let out a shaky gasp, looking back at Iida with a half-lidded gaze. He picked up the pace, thrusting his fingers in and out your greedy hole. "So good, don't stop-" You inhaled sharply, using your free hand to grope your breast. Shoto and Tenya pumped their own cocks, Shoto sucking on your clit and Tenya curling his fingers inside you faster. You let out a trembling cry, cunt clenching around Iida's fingers as you came undone. Your legs trembled as you rode out your high, Shoto keeping you from falling. Once the three of you were finished, you all sat on the couch to catch your breathes.

"That was.. unexpected- but great." You stifled a laugh, wiping the sweat from your forehead. Shoto hummed in acknowledgement, reaching out to place a hand on your thigh but stopped himself. You looked over with a smile, taking his hand and moving it to your thigh. His eyes softened and a small smile formed on his face. "Are we all okay with this becoming a…." You trailed off suggestively, looking between your husband and friend.

"I don't mind if Shoto doesn't mind." Tenya was the first to speak. You both looked over to Shoto expectantly. The two-toned man looked between the both of you, "I'd like that."

[bunnybrews]

the predator, the prey and the hunter- sylus x reader (slight mc x reader)

genre : angst, slight yandere, suggestive

syn : betrayal isn't something sylus takes lightly, specially when it comes from his bunny.

cw : non-mc! reader, abduction, violence, hair pulling, choking, usage of nicknames (dove, bunny, love, doll, etc.), mention of slapping, slight yandere behaviour.

wc : 2,961

you were nothing but a low ranking member of onychinus, so receiving a mission of such importance was extremely rare and yet here you were, babysitting the hunter who had recently been abducted by your master.

you watched in wonder as the hunter moved around, seemingly searching for an exit. there was a certain grace she carried which enamoured you.

she had everything you wanted, she was everything you wanted to be. brave, kind, strong willed and above all, she belonged to the place of your dreams, linkon city.

you had always wanted to go to linkon, to see the sun, to feel its rays hit your body and fill you with a deep sense of joy and warmth just like all those books described.

but alas, some dreams can never be fulfilled. your fate had already been decided when you took birth in a small shady cabin in the N109 zone to a mother who had a terminal illness and a father who was barely there due to his duties as an onychinus member.

you remember being barely fourteen when the news of your father dying during a mission reached you home. your mother had cried and sobbed all day while you just sat there, unable to bring yourself to cry over a man who you barely saw.

your mother followed your father's footsteps just a year later. her illness finally taking what was left of her.

just a day after your mother's death, the leader of onychinus had personally visited your small shack, offering you a place in his mansion and a position in his syndicate.

though you had nothing against him personally, infact, you held a certain amount of respect for him, yet this was not what you wanted. you didn't want to be part of a criminal organisation, no, you wanted to leave.

you wanted to fulfil the dreams you saw as a young child, to experience the stories your mother often read to you, you wanted to escape the dark alleys of N109 zone and flee to linkon.

yet you weren't dumb enough to refuse his offer. you knew that doing so would ensure a rather painful death. hence, you agreed.

and here you were now, staring at the hunter as if she was some goddess who had just descended from the high heavens.

the stars in your eyes were painfully visible to everyone, including the hunter. she could see the curiosity and naivety that lingered in your eyes. as much as it bothered her, she knew tricking and using you would be her only way to escape this hell.

your eyes lit up as you saw the hunter take a seat next to you on the sofa before you quickly looked away, trying to school your expressions back to neutral.

though before you got the chance to do so, a hand was placed on your thigh making you snap your head towards the hunter who was currently smiling down at you.

the fact that the hunter was a few inches taller than you was made evident when you had to crane your head up to look into her eyes.

they were green like the protocores you saw being transported in and out of the mansion and so so shiny! you were basically lost in their vibrancy.

a gentle squeeze to your thigh brought you out of your musing as a chuckle left the hunter's pretty lips.

“what's your name?” it was a simple question but the voice that left her lips had you in a trance, one that was broken by another squeeze to your thigh.

“i- i can't tell you my name. sorry!”

you were quick to remember your training and lessons, making sure to not reveal anything.

“why though? its just a name, its not like i'm going to report you to the hunters or something”

“umm yeah but master told us to not reveal anything about ourselves to anyone. he says that it could lead us into a lot of trouble. i'm really sorry but i can't go against his orders”

the hunter huffed in annoyance as she realised that she won't be finding any answers from the girl anytime soon. she had to change her approach.

“no no, you don't need to apologise. its my fault for asking. it's just that i've been trapped here for so long and you are the first person who hasn't been rude to me, i was just trying to get to know you more i guess, i'm sorry.”

her voice was softer now, hints of sadness and pain wafting through it. you couldn't help but feel a twinge of sympathy for the girl sitting next to you, your heart melting a little at the frown on her face.

“i understand, it must have been hard for you, not having anyone to talk to. while i may not be able to share anything valuable with you, i'll be more than happy to indulge in a conversation!”

a smirk graced the hunter's lips for a second, the innocent dove had just entered the cage set up for her. she almost scoffed at your naivety. you don't belong here in this hell, she would have to make sure to take you with her when she finally finds a way out.

“how about we play 20 questions? we'll be able to get to know each other better this way without revealing any crucial details about ourselves and you can just skip the questions which you feel are too imposing.”

the hunter's plan was perfect. a game of 20 questions was her best shot at gathering whatever information she could under the guise of getting to know each other.

“that sounds so fun! we can do that!”

“alright, i'll start. why did you join onychinus?”

she watched as you tensed up, an air of uncomfort forming around you. sensing your unease, she decided to tread carefully and changed up the question.

“nevermind, you don't have to answer that. hmm, well…how about…what is something that you really want to do or really want to achieve?”

the hunter knew that this was a risky gamble yet the gleam that took over your eyes at the question reassured her. your voice was soft as you shyly answered while playing with your hands.

“i've always wanted to see the sun. i've heard lots of stories about it, my mom used to read them to me before bed! i just wanna see it with my own eyes. anyways, its my turn to ask you a question now!”

she nodded at you, motioning you to ask away.

“how does the sun feel like? does it feel good when you walk in the sunlight? is it just like the stories or does it hurt and irritate you?”

“it's even better than the stories. walking in the sunlight feels like you are being embraced by warmth itself. it's really magical.”

hook, line and sinker! the trap had already been set into place, all she needed to do now was to lure you out and judging by the look of amazement in your eyes, she could tell that she was already halfway there.

“alright, it seems to be my turn now. if you really want to see the sun so badly, then why are you still here in this damned place?”

she observed the way you lowered you head slightly and chewed on your bottom lip. she sighed as her hopes of getting an answer out of you diminished.

“uh well, i can't just leave. master won't allow it.”

“why? does he not give you any freedom to do as you wish? has he trapped you here as well?”

“it's not like that! i am allowed to roam around the zone all i want but i can't leave. it's against the rules. also, even if i was allowed to leave the zone, its not like i could ever step into linkon without being hunted down and charged for my association with onychinus.”

the frown tugging at your lips quickly lifted as a warm hand was placed under your jaw, gently lifting your face up.

“i can help you. i know someone who can make up a fake identity for you, no one will be able to recognize you!”

you sighed against her palm turning your face slightly so that your cheek was resting against her palm instead of your jaw.

“what's a fake identity gonna do when i can't even leave the zone? i told you, i'm not allowed to leave”

“then let's run away. run away with me and we'll go to linkon. let me help you. help me so i can help you.”

she felt the way you tensed up and drew back from her, a gasp leaving your lips. the hesitation was visible in your eyes, but there was something else too.

“y-you shouldn't be saying things like that out loud! master will be so angry if he heard you. he'll lock you up and kill me for even talking about such things if he heard this.

“will you please stop thinking about your master for a second and instead think about yourself for once! what about you? what about your wants? your desires? are you really just going to give all your dreams up like that? is this what you want? to keep living in this slump until you grow old and die one day without even seeing the sunlight? is that what you want, huh?”

her words jabbed at a wound that had always been present in your heart. you don't want this. you don't want to grow old here and die without seeing the sunlight, just like your parents did. you don't want the same fate as them.

the hunter smirked as she watched the flame she had ignited swallow you whole. the sweet sound of your resolve crumbling was audible to her. she could see your hesitation being replaced with determination.

“but how? how are you going to take me to linkon when you yourself are trapped here?”

“this, my love, is where you enter the plan. you will get me out of here, and as repayment, i'll get you a new identity and citizenship in linkon.”

“but how would i be able to help you? if i knew how to escape this place successfully, don't you think i would have used that tactic to flee already?”

“you may not know how to escape the N109 zone but i'm sure you know how to exit this mansion. all you have to do is get me out of here and leave the rest to me. don't worry your pretty little head too much by overthinking, doll. just lead me out of here, and i'll take you with me to the place of your dreams.”

she held out her hand to you, patiently waiting for you to accept her offer. it didn't surprise her a bit when your soft hand found its way into hers, fingers intertwined together.

you quickly stood up, taking the hunter with you as you used your key to open the door, leading the both of you towards the hallway which you knew would open into a secret exit.

the both of you dashed towards the exit hand in hand until a black mist suddenly pushed you both back forcefully, making you crash into the nearest wall.

before you could even open your mouth to let out a whine, a pair of blood red eyes captured your gaze. he found out.

you glanced at the hunter when the sound of someone choking and wheezing started filling the room. you could see the black mist tightly coiled around her neck, squeezing the life out of her.

if this is how he punished the girl who he had abducted because she owned something that was necessary for his plan, you didn't even want to find out how he would punish you, a low ranking employee.

all you could do was shut your eyes tightly and await the punishment that you were sure was going to come your way.

the feeling of a bruising grip on your jaw was all that you felt before you were pushed aside, your body hitting the floor as you finally opened your eyes to see your master stalking towards the hunter.

the choking noises subsided as the grip of his evol loosened. you watched as he touched the hunter's hair before roughly pulling them, making her look into his eyes.

“were you really dumb enough to believe that you could escape me, huh? you really thought you could plot against me in my own home and i won’t find you? i must commend you though, you may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but you are an excellent manipulator or maybe my dumb little bunny is just too stupid, falling for your silly tricks”

just as the last sentence left his lips, he turned towards you. the trembles in your body increased as the distance between you and your master decreased.

you felt his evol coil around yourself as you were brought to your feet, body immobilised and held in place by his evol.

tears started leaking out of your eyes as you awaited your fate. a whimper escaping your trembling lips as a hand reached up towards your face. you expected a slap but instead were greeted by his rough calloused fingers wiping your tears.

“my stupid bunny, always managing to find a way to amuse me. did you really think that i would let you leave? so dumb. what am i going to do with you? should i lock you up in a room just like her, take all your freedom away? or should i punish you, show you what happens to naughty little bunnies when they disobey their masters? tell me bunny, which one do you prefer?

you knew it was a trick question and yet you shook your head wildly. glancing up at your master with tears still streaming down your eyes as soft sobs left your lips, you could see the disappointment in his eyes.

the knowledge that you were the reason for the disappointment made your sobs increase in both volume and velocity. your body trembling badly under the hold of his evol.

seeing your pitiful condition, the hunter couldn't help but blame herself, the sight of you tear stained face making her lose her temper and rebel against the energy holding her in place.

“step away from her you monster! she had no part in this!”

sylus snapped his head towards the hunter, eyes narrowing in annoyance as she fought for you as if you were hers to protect.

it was obvious that the hunter had taken a liking to you and this filled the red eyed man with fury. the thought of the hunter liking you was sending his brain into an overdrive.

he had to prove his ownership over you. needed to prove his ownership over you. if he was going to have to take you in front of the damned hunter to prove that you were his then so be it.

he used his evol to pull you towards himself, a hand snaking down to your waist as he pulled you closer until your back was resting against his chest.

“tch, you see miss hunter, that's where you are wrong. she did have a part in this, a huge part if i say so myself.”

his grip tightened over you as his other hand went to your face, turning it to an angle so that you were staring into his eyes once again.

“she should have known better than to fall for your antics. she should've been smarter and most importantly, she should've remembered who she belongs to”

with that he leaned down and pressed his lips to yours. the kiss was anything but gentle. his teeth pulled at your lower lip, tongue swirled around yours, lips moved against yours at a bruising pace, all while you stood there like a statue.

he pulled away from you after sometime of sucking the life straight out of your mouth. his eyes briefly finding yours before they moved to the hunter who had her jaw clenched and anger flared at the sight.

he watched in amusement as she thrashed around his evol, trying to escape the bruising grip before looking down at you once again.

you were still staring up at him with your glossy lips parted and your eyes widened in horror. at that moment you looked like the textbook definition of adorable if he may say so himself.

he used the hand holding your face to gently push a strand of stray hair behind your ear before leaning down to whisper in your ear, his voice low but loud enough for both you and the hunter to hear.

“i think i finally figured you punishment out bunny. you've been such a naughty girl lately. do you know what happens to naughty girls? they get fucked roughly by their masters. im not that cruel though, so i'll make your punishment a little easier for you. since you've taken such a liking to miss hunter over there, i'll make sure she stays with you, watching you while i fuck the life out of you. you would like that, won't you bunny?

you were suddenly pushed onto your knees and the hand which was previously holding you now rested on your head.

cautiously, you peeked up at the hunter hoping to find a sign of reassurance in her eyes but to your shock, her eyes, just like your master's, were glazed with lust.

oh heavens, tonight was definitely going to be a long and tiring one for you.

[caitchercatlady]

The Promise of Forever

-3rd Year Version

Inspiration song: Made You Feel My Love-Adele

*note: I decided not to include Lilia in this post because I felt it wouldn't feel right. I see Lilia has that father/grandfather figure who wouldn't be interested in a teen student character (even as MC approaches marrying age). Please forgive me.

Trey Clover

"Is everything alright, (Y/N)? You haven't reached for a cinnamon bun yet. What's--Oh, that! (Snicker) I knew it was around here somewhere. Oh, no. It's for you. Go ahead. You're really quiet, (Y/N). Do you not like it? What is it for? (Chuckle) To start the rest of our lives. (Laugh) So is that a yes?"

Cater Diamond

"Nope, you caught me at the best time, cutie. I was just finishing a little something for you. Wanna see? Pretty impressive, yeah? Well, I'll let you know a little secret. All these pictures spell out a secret message. Yuppers. Betcha don't know what it means. (Snickers) Of course, I want you to figure it out. I know how smart you are. (Gets down on one knee as you end up figuring out the collage.) You can never pop the question without the ring, you know."

Leona Kingscholar

"What do I want to do today? Ugh,, you know you can't thrust these questions onto me. I know it's our free time, and I'd rather not use it on thinking. How about you give me an easy question? What's the quickest thing I can make a decision on? Two things. One, you already know, and two, sleeping. You don't know the first thing? Hmph. Maybe this will help you remember. Based on the look on your face, I don't have to pop the question, do I, your future royal highness?"

Vil Schoenheit

"My beautiful one, it's been a long night. We've barely had time to ourselves. Yes, the praise I've received is more than warranted, but I believe my best achievement is yet to come. My dear, you must be tired. Have a seat and allow me to show you what I mean. (Pause) It is what you think it is. If you marry me, I shall show you what I must take to be the best husband in Twisted Wonderland and of your heart."

Rook Hunt

"Mon trésor. I have an urgent discussion that I hope you'll engage with. Will you lend ton oreille? Wonderful. I have un problème that has been itching me from top to bottom. You see, there is something so beautiful that I want something for my own, but it's selfish to keep a beautiful thing for yourself when the world should admire it. Trickster, what should I do? (Pause) I can be selfish once, eh? I suppose I should make my one selfish moment of weakness count, correct? Ma belle, indulge in my selfish desire and be one with me. That is my greatest wish."

Idia Shroud

"Hee! Sorry! I was gonna come out of hiding eventually. Oh, uh...I should've known you'd recognize the suit. Well, uh, I was...thinking, and I...wanted to see if it still fit. I hope that's not weird. It's not. Oh, ok. Then, I thought...maybe we can...walk outside? Uh...no...I'm gonna start using the tablet less. Anyway, do you wanna--Oh! Uh, yeah, let's...go. (Mutters) I was not expecting this. (Outside) Yeah, that's quite the light scattering in the sky there. (Mutters) Just as I hoped for. (Aloud) What? Nothing! Well, not nothing, but uh...It's a little scary be be because I...I never did this. I'm not perfect and...and...and I'm not ideal, but I...I love you, and I...I want you...forever. Will you...accept me?"

Malleus Draconia

"Shh, it's late. We must be quiet. Come. Follow me. We are going to see the moon. Yes, but you haven't witnessed the moon yet. There. The moon is in its utmost perfect position and form. Not everyone witnesses such a sight in the late of the night in their lifetime. Do you remember how we discussed our futures together? How we will share our lives together? I have never been able to share this kind moon with anyone before now. Not that the chance hadn't presented itself. More rather, I wasn't sure I was ready. Now, that I'm ready for us to watch this moon together a two, I propose that we watch this moon forever as one. May you take this ring and be the bride of my heart, Child of Man?"

[mybutcheredtongue]

I'll Love You 'til the Grass Around My Gravestone is Deceased

post azkaban sirius black x fem!reader

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE (see full series list here)

1996

MASS BREAKOUT FROM AZKABAN 

MINISTRY FEARS BLACK IS ‘RALLYING POINT’ FOR OLD DEATH EATERS

The Ministry of Magic announced late last night that there has been a mass breakout from Azkaban. 

Speaking to reporters in his private office, Cornelius Fudge, Minister for Magic, confirmed that ten high-security prisoners escaped in the early hours of yesterday evening and that he has already informed the Muggle Prime Minister of the dangerous nature of these individuals. 

‘We find ourselves, most unfortunately, in the same position we were two and a half years ago when the murderer Sirius Black escaped,’ said Fudge last night. ‘Nor do we think the two breakouts are unrelated. An escape of this magnitude suggests outside help, and we must remember that Black, as the first person ever to break out of Azkaban, would be ideally placed to help others follow in his footsteps. We think these individuals, including Black’s cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange, likely have rallied around Black as their leader. We are, however, doing all we can to round up the criminals, and we beg the magical community to remain alert and cautious. On no account should any of these individuals be approached.

Your fist curls around the edges of the paper, and you slam it down on the table in front of you. Minerva raises her eyebrows, unaware of what was on the paper.

“They’re blaming the breakout on Sirius,” you say angrily, sliding the front page across to her so she can read. “They’d find a broken pipe at the Ministry and fucking blame it on him.”

Her eyes skim through the article, tutting as she reaches the end. “I have grown weary of expecting any cohesive thoughts from that man. The power has blinded him.”

“How did he get elected in the first place?” you wonder aloud, aggressively cutting into your toast. “I think I’d remember being stupid enough to vote for him.”

“That’s because we didn’t vote for him,” Minerva responds bitterly. “The Ministry saved us that burden.”

You scoff. “All this and yet some people still believe every little thing the Ministry tells us.”

Your life at Hogwarts has become increasingly harder to enjoy with Umbridge around. She seems hell-bent on firing someone within in the next while, but she can’t seem to decide between you, Hagrid, or Trelawney. 

She’s taken to sitting in and inspecting nearly every class you have, which first of all, where does she find the time? And it also means you have to devote every second to teaching Astronomy, and you don’t get to give the students a chance to relax after their Christmas break or chat to them about the holidays. Every time the thought crosses your mind, you remember the spiteful woman sitting prim and proper in the back of the room ready to pounce the moment you step out of line. 

It leads you to spending a lot of time remembering the good times, thinking of things to help you through this tough time. 

You remember your sixteenth birthday in the summer. Alice, Lily, and the boys came to your house for the day and you and Lily decided to teach everyone how to ride a bicycle, the two of you being the only ones who knew how. James and Remus were useless, their long legs doing them no absolutely no favours. Alice was too scared to take her foot off the ground, remaining stationary the whole time and repeatedly declaring she was ‘about to go’, but never moving. Sirius was surprisingly good at keeping his balance. You suspect it was his formal upbringing and his perfect posture. Peter was able to get going, but was extremely wobbly and got in your way, sending you crashing into a low wall and flying over it. Your limbs ached but you couldn’t stop the raucous laughter erupting from you, distracting you from the bruises you gained. 

Umbridge’s latest addition to the hallways, classrooms, and house noticeboards, is this: 

BY ORDER OF THE HIGH INQUISITOR OF HOGWARTS: 

Any student found in possession of the magazine ‘The Quibbler’ will be expelled.

The above is in accordance with Educational Decree Number Twenty-Seven. 

Signed: Dolores Jane Umbridge, High Inquisitor 

Harry gives an interview for The Quibbler two days before the signs go up. An exclusive telling of exactly what happened on the night Voldemort came back, the night of Cedric Diggory’s death. He spares no details…and you must say you feel proud of him when you read it. Finally, someone allows him to share his side of the story, the truthful side, revealing that everything the Daily Prophet has been spewing is utter bullshit. 

Though you are outraged when you first read Umbridge’s newest order, you soon realise that she couldn’t have done anything better for Harry. If being a teacher has taught you anything — hell, if being a student taught you anything — it’s that the moment you ban something at Hogwarts, it only makes the idea more appealing to students. One evening after class, as you’re cleaning up the classroom you notice someone has left that edition of The Quibbler on their seat behind them, and you can’t help the grin on your face when you spot it. 

And then, Umbridge does exactly what you expect her to do during this crazy power trip she’s been on. 

It’s dinnertime, and you’ve just finished your meal. With a sigh, you push your chair back from the table and stand up as Minerva does the same. Together, you make your way down past the tables at a leisurely pace, chatting amicably. 

“Oh, you know, I always wanted to go there. And I had all those summers completely free to myself and I never went…well, I suppose, I’d have to bring Dubh with me. I’d be awfully lonely without her —”

A loud, high-pitched wail coming from the Entrance Hall makes you stop, and you raise an eyebrow at Minerva, looking out the open doors into the Entrance Hall. There’s no one there, so you shrugging and continue on. Some of the first-years are probably messing down the hall. 

“But then I’d love to go to Vienna, I’ve heard it’s absolutely beautiful —”

Another string of wails from the Entrance Hall interrupts you, and this time several of the students have heard it too, multiple heads turning in the direction of the hall. You watch as Umbridge walks into view, a very dishevelled-looking Professor Trelawney stumbling after her, carrying a bottle of sherry in one hand and her wand in the other. Two large trunks follow along in the air behind her.

Some students stand up to get a better view of the commotion and you and Minerva push your way through the crowds to the Entrance Hall, where Trelawney has discarded her trunks on the floor beside her. She looks terrible. Her hair is sticking up on end and her glasses are completely askew, her cheeks rosy and her eyes puffy. She points a trembling finger at Umbridge. 

“No!” she shrieks. “NO! This cannot be happening…it cannot…I refuse to accept it!”

“You didn’t realise this was coming?” Umbridge says in her high voice, sounding callously amused. “Incapable though you are of predicting even tomorrow’s weather, you must surely have realised that your pitiful performance during my inspections, and lack of any improvement, would make it inevitable that you would be sacked?” 

Jeez. She really is firing Trelawney. Sure, most of the time she has no clue what she’s talking about and you consider Divination to be somewhat of an unnecessary school subject, but that doesn’t mean she should be fired. You glance over at the crowd of spectators that has quickly formed and see Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil tearfully watching on. Umbridge should feel horrible for making those girls say goodbye to their favourite teacher.

“You c-can’t!” Trelawney howls, tears streaming down her face. “You c-can’t sack me! I’ve b-been here sixteen years! H-Hogwarts is m-my h-home!”

“It was your home,” Umbridge says coldly. You don’t miss the way her lips tug upwards slightly, clearly enjoying the sight of Professor Trelawney sinking to her knees, sobbing uncontrollably. “until an hour ago, when the Minister for Magic countersigned your Order of Dismissal. Now kindly remove yourself from this Hall. You are embarrassing us.”

Trelawney shudders and wails, rocking back and forth on her knees, her breathing shaky. 

“I can’t watch,” Minerva says beside you, before she breaks from the crowd and moves to Trelawney’s side, producing a large handkerchief from inside her robes.

“There, there, Sybill,” Minerva says soothingly. “Calm down…blow your nose on this…it’s not as bad as you think, now…you are not going to have to leave Hogwarts…”

“Oh, really, Professor McGonagall?” Umbridge says venomously, taking a few steps forward. “And your authority for that statement is…?��

“That would be mine.”

The oak front doors to the castle grounds swings open and students scuttle out of the way as Dumbledore appears in the entrance. What he had been doing out in the grounds you can’t say, but he wastes no time in striding forward towards Trelawney. 

“Yours, Professor Dumbledore?” Umbridge laughs unpleasantly. “I’m afraid you do not understand the position.” She pulls a scroll out from within her robes. “I have here an Order of Dismissal signed by myself and the Minister for Magic. Under the terms of Educational Decree Number Twenty-Three, the High Inquisitor of Hogwarts has the power to inspect, place upon probation and sack any teacher she — that is to say, I — feel is not performing to the standards required by the Ministry of Magic I have decided that Professor Trelawney is not up to scratch. I have dismissed her.”

To your surprise, Dumbledore smiles. “You are quite right, of course, Professor Umbridge. As High Inquisitor you have every right to dismiss my teachers. You do not, however, have the authority to send them away from the castle. I am afraid that the power to do that still resides with the Headmaster, and it is my wish that Professor Trelawney continue to live at Hogwarts.”

Professor Trelawney shudders, hiccuping loudly. “No — no, I’ll g-go, Dumbledore! I sh-shall leave Hogwarts and s-seek my fortune elsewhere —”

“No,” Dumbledore says sharply. “It is my wish that you remain, Sybill.”

He turns to Minerva. “Might I ask you to escort Sybill back upstairs, Professor McGonagall?”

She nods. “Of course. Up you get, Sybill…”

You move forward to grab onto one of her arms and together, you and Minerva hoist Trelawney up the stairs. Professor Flitwick comes scurrying after you, pointing his wand at the woman’s trunks and saying, “Locomotor trunks!” and sending her luggage flying into the air to bob up the stairs behind you. You glance back over your shoulder at Umbridge, standing stock still and glaring daggers at Dumbledore, and smirk to yourself. 

⁠✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。

“Good work today guys! Get started on those essays now and if you have any questions about it over the week come and find me,” you say, returning to your seat behind your desk as your students start to pack up their things and leave the tower. You smile to yourself, having enjoyed this lesson because of the noticeable lack of a certain pink-clad woman sitting in the back. It’s so blissful without her. 

“Professor?” 

You look up into the face of one of your students and smile. “Yes?”

She hands you a parchment note. “Um, Professor Umbridge asked me to give this to you.”

You take the note, furrowing your brows as your eyes skim down through it. 

Please join me in my office tonight at 9pm. 

Signed, 

Dolores Umbridge, High Inquisitor

She wants to see you in her office? 

“Thanks, Layla, have a good night…” the girl nods and hurries out of the class, leaving you to stare at the note in confusion. 

Why would she want to see you? Fuck, she hasn’t got something on you, has she? Your heart starts to pump nervously as you look at your watch: 8:45. You stand up from your desk and start making your way down the stairs, heading for Professor Umbridge’s classroom, feeling sick to your stomach. Your hand clasps firmly around the handle of your wand in your pocket as you knock on the door. 

“Enter,” comes from inside the office. You open the door and what you’re met with inside is…well, honestly it’s an assault on the senses. It’s covered head-to-toe in pink. Pink tiles line the walls, lace curtains are draped over the windows, a circular pink rug sits on the floor. The far wall, behind the desk, displays a collection of decorative plates with kittens on them, and though usually you would delight at the sight of adorable kittens…something about these sets your teeth on edge. 

And of course, sitting prim and proper at her desk, is Dolores Umbridge, a cup of freshly made tea and a teapot in front of her.

“Professor Umbridge,” you say, keeping your eyes on her as you shut the door behind you. “You wanted to see me?” 

She smiles at you, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Yes, I did. Please, sit.” She motions to the chair opposite her. 

Warily, you move forward and seat yourself in the chair, one hand still on your wand. 

“We never get the chance to chat, do we?” Umbridge says sweetly, picking up a white china teapot and pushing a teacup in front of you. She smiles. “Tea?”

Your eyes flick between the cup and the teapot. 

“No, thank you.”

“Oh, really, I insist.” She pushes the cup further towards you, and starts filling it up against your wishes. 

You grit your teeth, “I’m not thirsty.”

Umbridge giggles weirdly, tapping the cup with her finger. “What is a chat without something to drink? Why, I’ve heard you love tea! You’ll share a cup with Professor McGonagall but not me? Why is that?”

You don’t say anything. 

“I’m only trying to get to know you better, dear.”

You barely conceal your derisive scoff. “Bit late for that now, don’t you think?”

She giggles again. “Such fire! I suppose I can see what Mr Black seen in you.”

You glare back into her beady little eyes, resisting the urge to throw the god-foresaken teacup in her face. What is she getting at here? “Why did you summon me, Dolores?”

She smiles. “I am trying to build a good rapport with my colleagues. After all, I suspect there may be a few more noticeable changes to staff in the coming weeks…come, dear, drink up. You look parched.”

“I told you, I’m not thirsty,” you spit, not removing your eyes from hers. 

“Don’t forget that I am your superior, Professor,” she says, her voice dangerously sweet. “Now, drink up.”

With a scowl, you take the teacup and raise it to your lips and instantly you can smell it — Veritaserum. It’s faint, just a hair from imperceptible, but you know it’s there. You tilt the cup but keep your lips screwed tightly shut, then set the cup back down on the desk in front of you. 

Umbridge smiles triumphantly, clasping her hands together on the table and leaning forward towards you. “Very good…now, where is Sirius Black?” 

“I don’t know.”

Her eye twitches and she pushes your cup towards you encouragingly. “Drink up, dear.”

“I did.”

Your heart thumps in your chest erratically and you push yourself to just relax. Play your cards right and you’ll be completely fine. Just fine. 

She studies you for a second, the room completely silent. What you wouldn’t give to punch her in that stuffy face of hers and really give her a piece of your mind —

“Don’t test me. You’ve refused to drink the tea I so kindly prepared for you, which leads me to suspect you have something to hide. Have you something to hide, Professor?”

You suck your teeth. “Forgive me for not jumping at the chance to drink your truth serum, Dolores.”

Her sweet facade drops and she glares back at you. “Because you do know where he’s hiding?” 

“Because I don’t want you poking around in my business,” you hiss. “If I had something to hide, you best believe I’d have a good reason for it.” You fold your arms and lean back in your chair. “You can’t force me to do anything.”

She hums petulantly. “If you wish to continue living and working here at Hogwarts, I suggest you do what I tell you and drink.”

“No.”

A vein bulges in her neck and a long shaky breath breezes out through her flared nostrils. “The Minister has always been suspicious of you and it seems like he is correct. Oh, he’ll be just delighted to give you some Veritaserum himself. We’d finally be rid of that abhorrent murderer.”

The reaction you have is second-nature, the words flying out of your mouth before you can even think about it. “He’s innocent!”

“We’ll see about that.”

You glare at her, your blood boiling in your veins. “Do you really think if I did know where Sirius was I’d be here? Do you think I’d rather be here with you instead of with my husband?” 

She shrugs. “Guilt makes some people do odd things.”

Your hand curls into a fist at your side. “Fine! You know what? I’ll drink it. I’ll show you that I mean every single word I say. I haven’t seen Sirius since the night he was put in prison.”

She stares back at you as your chest heaves, breathing heavily. You’re bluffing, of course. You hold her gaze for as long as she scrutinises you. She taps her finger against the desk before a smile slowly spreads across her face. 

“Be my guest."

You grab the handle of the teacup so hard you think it’s going to shatter in your hand. As you raise it to your lips, your heart pounds so much you think it might burst out of your chest. You look over the rim of the cup at Umbridge, who is watching you excitedly, smirking in satisfaction. 

Time to test your theory. 

You gulp down the tea, tasting that familiar subtle twang of Veritaserum as it travels down your throat. You take a deep breath and slam the cup down on the desk again, glaring at her. 

“Go on. Ask.”

Umbridge smiles and the words leave her mouth in an instant. “Where is Sirius Black?”

You can physically feel the words bubbling in your throat and you force them down, willing yourself to maintain control of your body and your speech. You know exactly who you are, and no one gets to control you. Over the past years you feel like you’ve lost part of your fire, your spunk, and it’s about time you got it back. You are far more than just Sirius Black’s wife, far more than just Harry Potter’s godmother. 

“I…don’t…know.”

Risk-taking is exhilarating. And you’ve never gotten such a good reward as the look on Dolores Umbridge’s face when she realises that her truth serum has just painted you as innocent. Her jaw drops instantly and she stares at you, shocked, before she lurches forward and snatches the teacup from the desk. She raises it high to her eyes, inspecting the empty inside in open-mouthed shock. 

“Happy now?”

Umbridge repeatedly opens and closes her mouth, attempting to form a sentence but nothing comes out. She continues to hold the cup in a white-knuckled grip as she whips her head back to you. 

“Did you help Sirius Black to escape Azkaban?” 

Well, that’s easy. You don’t even have to lie about this one. “No.”

The vein in her neck bulges again and her face goes red with anger. “Have you spoken to Sirius Black since his escape?”

You keep your face as neutral as possible, swallowing the strong bodily urge to say yes. “No. No, I have not."

She breathes heavily, glaring at you across the desk. “But you — you have! I know you have! I saw him — I saw him in the fire!”

You shrug. “Must be imagining things.”

“No, NO, I SAW HIM — “

You stand up from your chair, pushing it into the desk as you over her a tight-lipped smile. “Well, thanks for the interrogation. Goodnight.”

“Hold on —”

You leave, shutting the door closed behind you before she can get another word in. You stop outside the door, listening to Umbridge raging. You hear a loud crash and the sound of china shattering and let out the biggest sigh of relief of your life. 

Oh my god. You just lied while on Veritaserum. Holy shit, you just resisted Veritaserum. You’ve just proven that you can actually resist the effects of truth serum. Hey, you could probably win some award for that. 

Well, maybe if what you lied about wasn’t harbouring a wanted man…but look, it’s the small things in life.

⁠✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。

You don’t know what it is these days, but something is making you extremely weary in the evenings. Perhaps it’s just the stress of Umbridge waiting around every corner for you, or the clawing feeling in your chest you feel when your mind drifts to Sirius cooped up in Grimmauld Place. One evening you turn in especially early, eager to rid yourself of the fatigue. Sleep comes easily, but not peacefully. You dream of a dark stormy night, filled with flashes of light and anguished screams. You wake with a jolt, a layer of cold sweat coating your body, breathing heavily. Dubh sleeps soundly in her bed. You glance at the clock: 9pm. You know well that if you try to go back to sleep you’ll only fall back into that same nightmare, so you shakily pull yourself out of bed and slip into your shoes and throw a jumper over your head, making your way up to the astronomy tower to calm down. 

When you close the tower door behind you, you think for a second before locking it. As much as you love your students and understand they might want to use the tower, all the astronomy exams are over and you can’t be disturbed right now. 

When you reach the railing, you sit down and let your legs dangle over the ledge, swinging aimlessly in the air as you gaze up at the sky. It’s just past sunset, and the last blotches of sunlight are fading from the sky as the sun disappears beneath the horizon. You wait patiently as the night’s first stars start appearing, twinkling gently. It’s a clear night, beautiful and serene. You’ve never really been all that spiritual, but a part of you believes that when you die you’ll join those clusters, become another sparkling light in the night sky for people to admire. It would be nice, you think. 

You hear a ruckus coming from down below, somewhere inside the school. Filch must’ve caught students out of bed. It’s not an unusual occurrence on nights like these. 

You start counting stars idly and before long you drift into a soft, dreamless sleep. It’s amazing. 

And then your sleep is interrupted, again. 

Loud shouts echo through the forbidden forest, and you briefly hear what seems to be the crack of a tree falling down. Silence, for a moment, as you strain to hear more, and then a high-pitched scream shakes the leaves of the trees, so high that you’re sure if there was any glass in that forest it would surely shatter. Confused and curious, nervous that somebody might be in trouble, you quickly hurry down the stairs and unlock the tower door at the bottom. You find blast marks on the wall beside it, clearly someone had tried to open it. A chill slithers down your spine as you hurry along the corridor, rounding the corner and nearly crashing headlong into Snape. 

“Severus! Merlin, you nearly gave me a heart attack,” you gasp, chest heaving. 

He surveys you for a second. “Potter was just caught attempting to make contact with someone through Professor Umbridge’s fireplace.”

You immediately draw back, confused. “W…what?”

“He then told me that ‘he has Padfoot in the place where it is hidden’.”

You stare at him, growing more and more baffled by the second. You’ve barely had any time to process it. “He has him in the place where it is hidden?” 

Snape nods, as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

You lower your voice, despite the fact that you’re the only ones in the corridor. “Harry thinks Sirius is in the Department of Mysteries?”

“Apparently. I then saw Potter and his usual cohort leading Dolores Umbridge into the Forbidden Forest.”

Your heart thumps as you rack your brains for something to do, something to say. “How would he know Sirius is there?”

Snape blinks at you, clear that he thinks this is a waste of his time. “A vision from the Dark Lord’s mind, I would imagine.”

You chew on your lip. “When did you see them go to the forest?” 

“Approximately one hour ago.”

You stop, look right at Snape. “Phineas Black’s portrait, he has one in the house as well as the office…”

He doesn’t answer you, and a silent understanding passes between you before you both take off at top speed up to the headmaster’s office. 

After giving the password to the gargoyles, you burst into the empty office and immediately seek out Phineas Nigellus Black, sleeping soundly in his portrait. Dumbledore isn’t here, of course. He ran from the school only recently, after Harry’s Defense Association was discovered by Umbridge and Dumbledore took the consequences. 

“Mr Black!” 

Phineas awakes with a start, his eyes snapping open and fixing you with a confused look.

“Is there a need for such noise?”

You nod fervently. “I need you to go to your portrait in Grimmauld Place. Look for Sirius. Please.”

Phineas breathes in, as though this is a immense inconvenience to him, and walks out of frame. You chew on the inside of your cheek, breathing out through your nose. You feel Snape’s presence behind you, watching the portrait frame with equal impatience. 

After a minute, he pokes his head back into frame. “He is there.” You breathe a sigh of relief. “Along with Remus Lupin, Alastor Moody, Kingsley Shacklebolt and a Miss…” He disappears for a second before returning. “...Tonks.”

“Please deliver a message for me.” You say, before you give Phineas a brief summary of everything that has happened. 

“Black must remain at Headquarters,” Snape adds slowly. “Dumbledore will arrive there shortly and someone must be there to tell him what has transpired.”

You nod in agreement, and Phineas Black once again moves out of frame. You wait with bated breath, the air still and tense. Finally, he returns. 

“They are on their way to aid Harry Potter as we speak.”

You let out a sigh of relief. “Perfect. We’ve no time to lose. Thank you, Mr Black.”

He nods wordlessly, settling back into his chair and allowing his eyes to close. 

“I’m going to the Ministry,” you say firmly to Snape. You wait, half-expecting him to go against you, but he doesn’t. 

“I will search the forest for Potter.”

You nod, then race out the door to follow your godson. You make a beeline for the broom shed — if you can’t disapparate out of Hogwarts, you’ll have to use the next best thing. You hop onto a Cleansweep Seven, and start to ascend into the air. Once you think you’ve gotten far enough away from the school grounds, you touch down to the ground and drop the broom at your feet. You’ll have to buy Madam Hooch a replacement for this one, you think as you visualize the cold tiles of the Ministry of Magic and the familiar lurch of apparation tugs your navel. 

You stumble into a wall, knocking your head against a candle holder painfully. You groan as you orientate yourself, taking in your surroundings. Dark tiled corridor, impossible to know where because everywhere in the Ministry looks the exact same. You head towards the door at the end anyway, wrenching it open, only to find yourself in yet another corridor, although this one has a distinct difference: A Death Eater is standing at the end of it. 

You see them, they see you, and there’s a split second before wands explode. 

“Stupefy!” 

“Protego!” 

You defend as best you can against the Death Eater’s advances. You eye the candle holders on the wall, the flames from the candles burning brightly and use it to your advantage. You protect against their spells until you find an opening and instantly aim your wand at the candle, yelling, “Confringo!” 

Upon impact, the candle explodes, and knocks the Death Eater right off their feet.

“Immobulus!” 

The Death Eater snaps into a rigid state, their body flat on the ground. You wipe sweat off your brow, and continue on, stepping over their immobile body. You’ll come back for them later. 

You push open the door at the end of the corridor, and finally find yourself in a room. It’s full of an assortment of strange-looking plants, some in glass cases with hazard stickers on the surface. Well, this is certainly Department of Mysteries territory. You look into one of the cases, which houses what seems to be a big green flytrap that oozes a luminous purple liquid. You shudder. Gross. 

The door at the other end of the room suddenly bursts open and you whip around and point your wand at the door warily. 

“Stupefy!” 

A bolt of light streaks towards you and you dive out of the way of it, the spell knocking into the leg of one of the tables, splintering the wood. You look up and your attacker, about to retaliate, only to see that it’s Tonks. 

She raises her wand again and you thrust your hands out. “Tonks, no, it’s me!” 

“Diff –”

“TONKS!”

Another spell blasts towards you and you roll out of it’s way, panting with exertion. The spell explodes into one of the glass cases, sending glass tumbling to the floor. 

“Wait, wait —”

You hear Remus’ familiar voice call your name. “Is that you?” 

You warily stand up from the floor, dusting your hands off on your trousers. “Yeah, it’s me.”

“Oh. Sorry,” Tonks says sheepishly as she recognises you, wincing. 

You sigh. “No harm done. Somehow.”

You move over to them, embracing them both in turn. “Find Harry yet?”

Remus shakes his head. “No…not yet.”

Running footsteps come from the corridor behind Remus, and Sirius, Moody, and Kingsley join you in the room. 

Sirius immediately runs to you, hugging you tightly. “What — what are you doing here?” 

You stare back at him, shocked that he’s here. “I could ask you the same thing! You were supposed to stay back at the house!”

He frowns, agitation passing briefly over his face. “You think I’d just stay there while Harry’s in danger? You didn’t stay behind at the school, did you?”

“W – well, no, but —”

“Guys,” Remus butts in, giving the two of you an exasperated look. “Talk about it later. We’ve got bigger things at hand right now.”

You nod, shaking your head at yourself. “Yeah, yeah. You’re right.” You gently put your hand on Sirius’s arm, smiling at him. “Let’s go save our godson.”

He gives you a small smile, nodding. “Let’s go.”

Your group searches the rooms and endless corridors before finally, the sound of shouting draws your attention and you burst through another door, finding a large circular room with a pit in the middle and a large archway standing in the centre of it, and a group of Death Eaters holding your students captive. 

You sprint in, Tonks fires a stunning spell instantly at one of the Death Eaters — one with noticeably long, platinum blond hair: Lucius Malfoy. You barely have time to feel your blood boil when a flash of light hurtles towards you and you throw yourself out of the way. You stumble down steps towards the pit where everyone else is, levelling yourself with the nearest Death Eater and starting to duel them. 

“Stupefy!” 

“Protego!”

“Impedimenta!” 

“Expulso!”

“Diffindo!”

Someone flies through the air at your opponent and makes them stumble — you seize the opportunity to stun them, and they fall to the floor with a loud thump. You quickly realise what had hit your opponent was actually another Death Eater, sent barrelling through the air by Kingsley, who is already engaged in combat with another. 

Sirius and a Death Eater dance past you, duelling so fast their wands are a blur. Another saunters towards you, though this one you recognise in an instant. The long, unruly black hair and sunken eyes, the look of madness in her face…Bellatrix Lestrange. 

You start to seethe. After what she did to Alice and Frank…you’ve been waiting for the chance to sink your teeth into her for years. 

Her wand whips at you in ferocious speed, and you counter each spell with increased difficulty. She laughs madly as you fight her advances, calling upon every spell you’ve ever learned. 

Over Bellatrix’s shoulder, you see Harry pull a limping Neville to his feet with the prophecy held tightly in his hand to keep it from being smashed. That’s what they’re all here for, the prophecy. They don’t care about you and the rest of the Order. If you can just keep Bellatrix occupied while Harry makes his escape…

The force of one of Bellatrix’s spells sends you stumbling back over a large crater in the stone floor, and you tumble to your knees in front of her. She squeals excitedly and your heart practically jumps out of your throat as you roll away as quick as possible, but it’s not quick enough. Your leg takes whatever nasty spell she shot at you and a sharp, white-hot pain jumps from your leg to your brain. You let out a pained shriek. 

Bellatrix lets out a shrill giggle, bearing down upon you with her wand, and right as she’s about to strike something catches her eye over your head — and she exclaims gleefully and bounds away from you, firing a spell at whoever is there. You turn your head to what she was looking at and see her now engaged in a fierce duel with Sirius. Your heart leaps into your throat and you try to stand. Your leg instantly crumples beneath you and you sink to the floor, the pain is unbearable. 

Remus rushes to your side, putting his arm under your shoulder. “Come on, come on, can you stand?” 

The pain burns against your leg and you bite into your hand to stop yourself from screaming in agony. “I can’t, Remus, I - I can’t —” you sob, delirious with pain. 

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”

With his help, you slowly limp your way out of the battle zone, though when you look at it from the sides it’s almost devoid of Death Eaters, save for Bellatrix. The only ones still fighting are her and Sirius. 

“What — what happened —”

“Dumbledore.”

You look around, searching for the man in question, seeing him running down the stone steps after Death Eaters as they scrabble to get away from him. He’s too fast, he pulls them back effortlessly as though they are as light as feathers —

Sirius ducks Bellatrix’s jet of red light and laughs at her. “Come on, you can do better than that —”

“AVADA KEDAVRA!” 

⁠✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。

>>read the final chapter here!

→ all kinds of interaction greatly appreciated! ♡

hello hello! I'm really really sorry about the delay in this chapter, but it's finally out now! There is one chapter left, oh my god! I'll do a proper thank you at the end of that one, so stay tuned! As always, I love you all so much and appreciate the support more than you could ever know <3

kisses and hugs to my taglist lovelies:

@mothraantics @wholelottalove05 @izuoyarmin @devoid-swanky @carpe000diem @mooonyxoxo @navs-bhat

@hyperspeedo @idkman5335 @elanna-elrondiel @murielisacertifieddilf @penelopied @imgondeletedis @wooyoungsrightsock @jennifer0305 @wolfdragon0424 @lovemesomevesey @aylinnmaslow @boiolay @daydreamsgonerogue @gonnaneedabiggerfloat @maryandthemultiverseoffandoms

[thatgirlie-diaries]

How I have improved my routines and consistency

Hello girlies! This first week of my vacations period I have been using it as a test for my ideal routines and schedule, identifying what goes right and wrong and what changes do I need to do to be consistent and have an efficient systmem. What you'll be reading next are all the things I have done and learned to apply to have a calm, healthy, fun and fulfillling routines and daily schedule, overrall improving my lifetyle.

Identify

Energy levels: Are you a morning person or a night owl? Do you identify when do you have the most energy and when it goes down? What would be my ideal time to sleep and wake up?

What negative habits do I have? And why do I have them? With what habits I can switch them?

Why do I procrastinate? In which ways I procrastinate and distract myself?

How I want my lifestyle to look like? What habits, routines, hobbies and activities are included in my daily life? How do I act on a daily basis?

Creating my schedule and routines

Set a sleeping schedule that fits you based on your energy levels.

Create a morning, night and pampering routines that you enjoy doing, that you are comfortable with and makes you feel fulfilled.

Create (if neccesary) other routines that you need:There are probably other things you want to do that you need a routine for! For example, I have a mini manifesting routine and a weekly spiritual healing routine. I also want to create a language sudy routine too.

Include non-negotiable healthy habits: this habits are the ones that keep you healthy in body, work with your mind and give you peace. For example, some of mine are: eating 3 healthy meals, tidying up my space for 30 minutes, listening to a podcast, don't use my phone for more than three hours, etc. Also, include fun habits to help you romanticize the day and feel good.

Have time to do things I love: I have noticed that if I don't do the things I love after long period of time, meaning productive only days, I get burned out and more prone to procastinate and get distracted when I get the chance. Make sure you have time to yourself, either be it hobbies or fun activities, you will keep your mind, heart, body (if it's physical) and soul healthy!

Have time to rest and be still: We need to understand that we need rests, so we have to respect it and let us be. Also we need some minutes in silence to connect with ourselves, body and creativity out of all the noise and stimuli.

Maintaining consistency

Plan my day: I plan my daily tasks and my daily schedule, this to not procrastinate overthinking "what I'm going to do?"

Add a place and hour: For any routine, habit or activity decide "Where am I going to do it? At what time or after what habit?"

Habit stacking or multitasking: If I have a "listening habit" (podcast, subliminal, listening to high vibe music) with a "not-thinking alot habit" (tidyin up my space, do the dishes, cooking) habit I do them both at the same time. If I need to do a habit that needs my full attention then it will be done that way.

Include timers (if needed): This helps me know how much time do I need to do my habits and to know if it's taking me more or less time to complete them. I use an app where I have my routines (morning, night, weekly reset, mini manifestation and spiritual healing activities) with each habit having a timer.

Have a habit tracker: In here I write a daily log that includes filling boxes of my daily non negotiable habits and extra habits (that romanticize my life or keep me healthy). Also includes two questions: "What progress did I made today with my goals? Is there something I need tom improve or change in my system?'.

Romanticize! Your habits and activities, routine sets, daily schedule, romanticize your days your way! It's different for everyone, so find out how to add magic into your life.

Wasted day? It's never too late to do something useful. Keep going or journal about what went wrong. I like to remind myself my motivations and ideal lifestyle to mantain myself going forward.

Let's be healthy and organized together! 𑄽𑄺ྀ

[kittyscupcakeandbunny]

Set Me Free

18+

Part five

Good Girl Gone Mad

Characters: Min Yoongi as Agust D/Mafia boss, Jung Hoseok as Jack/Concierge, Namjoon/Police detective, Jungkook/Police detective, Park Jimin/thief and gang leader, Taehyung/Mafia member, Paradise owner. Jin/unknown, Busan/Mafia boss.

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Warnings: This story contains nsfw content (descriptive blood, gore, etc.) as well as sexual content. Mentions may include violence, consumption of alcohol, explicit sexual interactions, sharp objects, knife play, description of injuries, themes of major horror and also explores obsessive behaviors and codependency, robbery, killing, guns, torturing, fire, toxic yandere men, violence, possessive behaviour, unhealthy relationships.

🩸My master list 🩸

We Go Down Together - Dove Cameron & Khalid

< Previously • Next Chapter >

My mind have been a mess ever since i encountered agust d but that was also the moment i saw a chance to prove my worth at the station and to finally be one of them like Namjoon, it was a chance for me to get the bad guy and that was always my priority ever since i decided to become a police officer. As the days went by i found myself growing more and more impatient. The more my path crossed with Yoongi the more my greed became apparent, meeting Yoongi it was like a fire burning my skin, he brought out the things in me that I never once thought i had it it was uncomfortable to be in such situations I hade found myself to be so easily influenced by his presence that I just simply lost control. It was dangerous to be close to him but now more then ever I had no choice but to stay by his side but being with him i realized a part of me that was living dormant for all these years. I’m going down a path i never once thought considered fallowing and for that reason I’m lost inside this hell by my own choice, i had so much pride of my own morals and achievements when i started working at the station, my beliefs where always to make the world a better place by making the right choices and protecting those who made the same choices. After losing my dad i knew i wanted to fallow the path he did, make the right decisions and help people from the darkness of this world.

But what no one tells you about fallowing the right path is that to be a hero, is to bear the weight trying to bring justice to those who have no power but, you cannot.

Our laws exist to protect us but they are so limited to a point where even if you know who’s the bad guy, without any solid evidence they will just be set free from punishment. The worst part is you know they are going to hurt people again.

I never wanted to be part of this, somehow I’m grateful but at the same time I regret it very deeply all my choices. All it took was one slip and i was in the rabbit hole, that same darkness the people i was supposed to put in jail lived in, sooner or later, we always give in that slip to taste a new world.

I was taught to do the rigt thing and always fallow the rules, with my dad playing the biggest part into this. I know that justice takes time and you can’t always do the right thing. The more i thought about the things i had done so far the more i realized, i was only trying to hold on the small part of me who still lives in my past. The girl who worked at her fathers police station, the girl who loved Namjoon and would do everything she could to fallow her fathers steps and protect the last family she had.

Right or wrong are just concepts made by us to justify our actions, who really decides was right or wrong in this? In the end we all have to count on someone else’s empathy to get a less harsh punishment. If a convicted criminal of murder shows remorse he could use the empathy of the judges, the same laws that are there to protect us also protect them, whether they are faking it or not.

There is no god in this, we are all by ourselves here trying to live in a world were anyone you cross paths could be a psychopath.

As Jack drove us back to the mansion this was all i could think of, feeling a weight over my chest press down my heart against my bones and the emptiness it left as if killing that men was the last straw to selling my soul to the devil and I could feel every bit of it happening under my skin.

All that didn’t phase Yoongi even the smallest bit, i stared at him sitting comfortably beside me he had his eyes closed a relaxed almost pleasant look on his face. It made me wonder if he even felt anything when he killed his first victim, was he a normal person once? Did life made him a monster? What lead him into this world?

Once we got at the mansion he walked out first and i fallowed him out, keeping on his shadow as he entered the mansion and slowly walked towards his office.

No one said a word the entire time and i could already feel the hot tension rise by the seconds, if he notice my presence behind him he didn’t mentioned and as we finally got in his office he was quick to fill a glass with alcohol while i turned to closed the doors behind me slowly sitting in on of the couches on the room.

He took the sit on the other couch in front of me lighting a cigarette the fire shining bright in front of his face making the scar on his eye even more noticeable, never failing to make his looks sharp and scarier. He took a blow of it before finally looking at me for the first time since we got here.

Whatever went through his head in that moment i knew it was far away from any comfort words, i never expected that from him and i wasn’t disappointed by it.

I had taking someone else’s life to save my brother, the only thing i want now is the truth he had promised me.

- if you are expecting a hug from me.. i hate to disappoint - was the first thing he said, scoffing a laugh.

- i wouldn’t dare to - i was quick to reply, getting a chuckle from him.

- then why did you fallow me? - he asked, clearly amused taking a sip of the drink in his hand while the cigarette burned between his fingers - wanna make sure i fallow the end of our bargain?

- yeah…

- don’t worry it’s done - he said, as if it was nothing. But i founded hard to believe, it couldn’t be as simple as that.

I never expected but it still angered me, moved by the fire inside me i got up making my way towards him i harshly took the cigarette from his fingers, taking a blow of it before turning to him.

- since you’ve proven yourself Yoongi why don’t you start talking? - i spat - i don’t want your compassion, i know you got none. From you i just want one thing, the damn truth.

- why? - he scoffed, turning to look at me impatiently - you think you’ll go back to that silly life of yours? Get over it, is too late for that. You’re in my world now, you get what i give when i decide to.

Now it was my turn to scoff but no matter how much that angered me he was right. You can lead the horse to the lake but you can’t force it to drink from it, i bite back my tongue feeling a bitter taste up my throat.

- and if you still want me to work for you, you need to start talking - i said, sitting down beside him.

- now you’re ordering me around? You are not in charge here sweetie…

- you owe me that - i said, turning to him, using the right words would get me good points with him, i needed to gain his trust if i wanted to live a longer life, that was the only way to avoid Jack. Still it infuriated me how he never told me anything, i knew he didn’t had to but the least he could do is tell me about his plans at the station.

I knew exactly were i stood in here, not above him, not beside him and not even under him like his dogs. I was disposable, the last thing I wanted was to die here of all places. I knew for a fact that fallowing the rules would get you the the best chance. I hated to admit that but that was the only way.

- you said you would tell me everything after i did my work tonight - i said - then do it. Why were you at the station that day? Why did you almost killed the director?

He sighted almost rolling his eyes, taking a sip of his hard liquor before looking at me with bored eyes.

- i had a deal with you’re director - he said, staring at the cup on his hand as he moved around over his thigh - you’re smart enough to know it by know, what would i possibly want with the police?

It had passed my mind before that the director wasn’t exactly the good guy to begin with, Yoongis insinuations seemed to set fire to that old thought of mine and I could almost feel the dots connecting to each other - so the police was working with them this whole time, they were hiding Agust D tracks every time and making it impossible to get him. But why?

Namjoon has been fallowing a ghost his whole life in hopes of making justice possible, they had been playing with him just like they did to me.

It made me sick to even think about it.

But most importantly I could only wonder what would the police needed with Yoongi or what he used against them to get them to hide his tracks this whole time?

- I’m sure you know now… - he chuckled, knowingly - you’re friend was getting too close, i came to talk to him and he decided to call out our agreement. He was confident that Namjoon guy would get me eventually, so i had to make sure I made them aware of who they were dealing with.

- so that was a massage… - i murmured, more to myself staring at the floor.

- yeah, not that i needed to do much - he chuckled, taking the cigarette from my hand yes staring back at me with smirk laying over his red lips - you just happened to be there right on time, every single time i needed.

- what?

- in so little time you manage to get inside Paradise, obviously thanks to Scarlet then you proceeded to offer yourself to me unknowingly and ruined their opportunity to get me - he said, eyes shining brighter with delight.

Looking so proud of my mistakes, it didnt help to ease the way my insides were turning and turning around at his words. Making more and more obvious how my intervention helped only him, the one i was so confident i would put behind bars.

- i had reasons for it…

The most poor and stupid excuse left my lips, I couldn’t look at his face anymore to embarrassed to face him and the truth. I made a terrible mistake by thinking I could face him head on and win.

- you did… but what now? - he taunted - what do you have? Nothing… you’ve been nothing but a puppet this entire time, my puppet.

He made it clear from the beginning how it would end up for me if I continued with that investigation on him, i was honestly surprised at how he left me leave the first moment we’ve meet and yet i decided to ignore all the warnings he was “kind” enough to give me. I pondered if he was truly warning me or if it all wasn’t just an act to get me exactly where he wanted me to be.

He told me he would bring me to hell if i kept digging for him and here i was now, it felt different having to hear him say all that I’ve been thinking about ever since we meet.

But I was too deep into the darkness that surrounded him, there was no way to live in this world without getting your hands dirty. I was aware of that. It was all my fault.

For a second i felt stupid at how well he played me without me even realizing, feeling stupid for being so weak and giving in more and more. But now? I didn’t felt bed for destroying the operation and letting Yoongi escape, i made up my mind in that car as we came back deciding to rather then running from the fire, i would burn and dance with it. He wasn’t wrong when he looked into my eyes and showed me my own sins, but the more i stared at the fire in his eyes the more i felt deeply attracted to the darkness surrounding him.

To survive.

To feed my own greed. Truly… a puppet.

-I could still end you here right now… - I gripped his neck.

I was serious, I could feel my blood boiling under my skin. My pride was hurt, my heart was in pieces and all he did was stare at me with a sly grin on his face. He chuckled gripping my hands around his neck even tighter, his eyes burning into mine.

- do it… - he dared - but we both know you won’t.

he wasted no time proving how much stronger he was then me, pulling my hands away from his neck. With one hand he gripped the back of my neck, pulling me closer.

- tell me why you won’t kill me… you had many chances… - he said, a whisper. He’s breath hitting my lips.

- don’t play as if you didn’t know why…

- no, you don’t play coy with me… come on now, be a good girl for me and use your words.

His lips lifted into a smirk, he leaned forward face centimeters away from mine. Feeling his breath over my own lips a shiver runs down my whole body, the smell of whiskey was intoxicating making me crave more of him.

- say it… y/n.

I swallowed hard before thinking about it one last time. I knew this was one way and no turning back, but Yoongi was my best shot at surviving now. Even more he wanted me to be honest with him and myself.

- Don’t lie to me… - he smile was completely sickening, eyes darker then ever - it’s not that hard.

- i want…

- yes, what do you want? - he leaned more into me, hands reaching behind me to cage me under his body.

And to feed my desires for him.

- you…

He stopped immediately, eyes searching for mine and in that split second while i stared into his sharp eyes i saw his facet break, just a bit but enough for me to notice - surprise. He truly didn’t expect me to say that, one would even think that hearing that would be so fulfilling to ones ego, but him? It was as if he never heard it before. I didn’t know anything could get a reaction from him but i knew in that moment, despite everything else he secretly wished to be desired too. Even though he said he knew.

So i took my chance and braced the fire that would come with it.

Closing my arms around his neck i pushed him down, sitting over his lap with one leg on each side of his hips.

- i want you, Agust d - i said over his lips - in every way possible.

Looking down in his eyes seeing how he no longer had any trace of surprise in them but a serious look, hands sliding up my hips to my bear back holding my arms to slid away from his neck.

My heart begin to beat faster, blood running cold on my body. Shit.

I could see it in his eyes that he wanted, so what was holding him back in that moment?

- are you sure? - he simply asked, not looking me in the eyes but at our hands - do you have any idea what that choice comes with?

- does it matter to you? - i bit into my lower lip, i felt so confused in that moment. The warmth that surrounded us was disintegrating slowly, i helplessly wanted to hold on into that warmth.

His unphased expression was making me more and more anxious, one moment i was burning under his gaze and now completely frozen and lost. Swallowing all of my pride and embracing myself, i wished to be right about this.

- it makes me…. Yours - in that small second i looked into his eyes again i saw the surprised in them, bearly noticeable but it was there for a second.

- and you’re sure you can take what comes with that? - he mutter over my lips.

- i don’t know but i don’t wanna leave you…

I can’t leave my only chance to survive now.

- you’re life will be mine… completely… - he whispered above my lips.

- we’ll go down together then.

I didn’t wanted to lose any more seconds when i pushed my lips over his, feeling his smirk as i bite into his botttom lip. Catching his eyes briefly as i did so, he was quick to press his short nails on my exposed back scratching the skin down stoping at my hips. I moaned on his mouth kissing him hungrily.

He let out a soft groan as i slide my hands down his waist inside his shirt slowly tracing his ribs, the friction was enough to make us both lose our minds, i could tell he was holding back from letting out a moan as i grinded against his hips, my own body was becoming needy, craving more and more.

- Mmngh..You feel so good… - He whispered between ragged breathes and I felt my thoughts growing more and more blank, the only thing on my mind right now was him.

I grind against his hips again, feeling his warmth through the fabrics separating us, his breath hitches when i grind against him again, i hold his chin up taking in his lustful gaze, his grip on my hips tightened and i could almost feel how blissful he was becoming.

He gives me a devious smirk and gently ran his fingers along your spine as he whispered in my ear:

- You truly are a skilled rider, you feel so good on top of me.

The doors for the office burst open.

- you have to go to Busan - said Jack in a rushed tone.

Yoongi leaned away from me, hands still dancing over my naked back. I stared at him as he nodded to Jacks direction who soon left the room.

- i have to go - he said to me.

I nodded resting my forehead over his, lips brushing against each other as the heat slowly drifted away from our bodies.

- now, you behave while I’m gone.

His hands slipped down my back to rest over my hips pulling me out of his lap. After that o was quick to make my way out of his office but no before he called out my name.

- the room in front of mine - he said - that’s your room, some of your stuff is there already.

- okay, thanks.

With that i left completely.

From what i could tell, how he suddenly changed in seconds and jacks rushed and slightly worried eyes, something big must’ve happen that needed him to be there in person. I over heard from Namjoon once at the station, that his mafia had rooted connections in Busan as they were investigating and I wonder if Namjoon manage to take action on his secret plan as he told me once.

If he did Yoongi might be in trouble, but I can’t tell. Both of them are unpredictable when it comes to getting what they want.

[…]

It’s been two days since Yoongi left to Busan, no one told me anything about him or when was he even going to come back.

Anytime I would worry about him my mind would remind me of who I was thinking about, he certainly was not someone who would let anything happen to him. He made it clear who he was and what he was capable of. So I worry nothing about him.

Still it felt weird to be here without him, it was his house and I was used to have his presence around. Hands even been that long and I was so deep in a nest of snakes.

I had shaken hands with the devil before now it was time to dance with him, the only thing that kept wondering with worry in my mind was how no one would tell me anything.

The few maids in the house wouldn’t even say a word to me, the guards around the mansion acted like I was invisible.

I had no one here.

It felt just like I was back at the station once again, no one would tell me anything because I wasn’t a detective yet. Just a mere office worker for them, I couldn’t tell anything to Namjoon because he wouldn’t understand.

He grew up in a completely different world then mine, he didn’t know how hard it was to try to grow your career in a police station especially when you are a woman, no matter how good I was or my scores in the academy they still viewed me as weak and fragile.

I thought that if I worked harder they would notice me, but that only got me more work and less acknowledgement.

My view for them has changed also, now that I knew how corrupted they are. They were nothing but mere trash to me. Walking garbage.

My days here were the same, day after day ever since Yoongi left I was completely alone in this mansion. The only exception being the presence of the house keeper and the very few employees that helped her.

Another two days had went by without any news from Yoongi, I don’t know if I should’ve been grateful for that or worried.

Tha was until I heard a loud noise from downstairs, I was goin to bed since it was half past ten already but the noise caught me off guard. I quickly turned to fallow it and see what was that about.

The moment I saw his face I couldn’t hold myself anymore, first thing I notice I was rushing towards him. No second thoughts in my head as I closed my arms around Yoongis neck. For a while he didn’t move, I could feel how his body was stiff under my arms.

- what are you doing? - he said. His words were like a bucket of cold water.

Of course it would be like this, what was I even thinking in that moment. Is not like I missed him.

- I’m just checking if you got any holes in you… - I pull away, staring up at his eyes.

- you think I’d be that careless? - he chuckled - it was all playful banter…

He didn’t seem one bit concerned or stressed, almost as if he went to a trip and not to fix a problem. He came back in a complete different mood then he left. Was i wrong then? Did Namjoon not went with his plan for Busan?

- not that I care about what you do… but next time send a message?

- I’ll remember that for the next time… - he says as he walks up the stairs, without looking back.

I scoffed, of course. Criminals and their cold blooded hearts, i only grew more suspicious. Exactly what happened in Busan?

I decide to fallow him up stairs, not really sure why. It felt so natural, waiting for him to come home and being in his presence after not seeing him for days.

I enter his office after him, watching as he lights a cigarette and sits down behind his desk.

- You seem off… more then usual… - I cross my arms over my chest as I observe him.

For some there wouldn’t be a way to see it, but he was different tonight. I could see it by how he used his left hand to light his cigarette, he never did that and he kept avoiding having to use his right hand. He didn’t meet my eyes ever since he came back, he’d always stare at me so deep as if sweeping inside my soul.

It was odd how he looked serious now, not intense serious but cold, so cold.

He paused for a second, looking around before he glance at me with irritation clear in his eyes.

- Does it concern you ? - He replied, his voice low and sharp.

He took a long drag from his cigar, the smoke spilling past his lips in a steady stream.

- I was busy with work - He muttered simply, the corner of his lips quirking up into an almost mocking smirk.

-it was just an observation…- I say, at that point I knew he wasn’t going to tell me anything and I couldn’t blame him. If I was him, I wouldn’t either.

He let out a dry laugh, shaking his head slightly. “Is that so ?” He mused, his eyes boring into you.

- How observant of you - he sneered, his gaze now locked on mine. - as always…

He visibly tensed, his hand clenching around his cigar for a moment, his eyes narrowing as he studied you carefully. He let out a huff, his expression still stoic, but his eyes almost seemed to soften slightly.

- i have a meeting tomorrow… - He finally says - you’ll accompany me so go to bed, is late already.

Part of me wanted to stay, to talk to him but I knew better. Besides how tense and angry he was in that moment he still manage a bit of softness to tell me to go rest it was tiny, but it was there and that weighted so much more to me then I ever thought it was possible.

With no further do, i turn to leave his office but he pulls me back. Fingers circling around my wrist.

I look back at him surprised for a second, that surely was unusual.

- don’t leave yet…- he says, looking away from me.

- do you need to tell me something more? - I questioned, crossing my arms.

- don’t… - he mumbled, frowning as he stared at the desk in front of him - don’t sleep on your room tonight.

I could almost feel the thumping of my heart in my chest the moment he said those words, as if on cue my entire body burns with excitement but I try to hold back from the possibility.

- and were should I sleep? - I mumbled, my voice almost a whisper.

- with me.

I gasped the moment he pulls me closer by the waist, pressing our bodies together as his hands slide down my back at my hips.

- you should sleep with me tonight…

I stared into his eyes looking for something, anything that could tell me what was going inside his mind. He’s been hot and cold ever since he came back from Busan, keeping secrets and acting as if nothing happened even though I couldn’t tell that there was more to it then he was letting me know. Now as i stood so close to him, feeling the warmth of his skin and his heart beat through his chest. How his eyes seemed to falter ever so slightly, i knew it.

Something did happen.

But neither he could tell how he felt.

[…]

I couldn’t tell if I had actually slept, it felt as if I only blinked my eyes and when I open it was morning already.

Going to bed with him last night felt so odd and i could tell it was for him too, because we weren’t enveloped by the blinding desire or our needs. It was more intimate then we’ve been to each other, we both spent a night together only by each other’s arms and suddenly it didn’t felt like i was in bed with Agust d, that was Yoongi. When i woke up he was already up.

This time I had breakfast with Yoongi and seeing him across from the table as the light reflected on his face was a sight for sore eyes, how the sun iluminated every line of his face making him look much softer even with the scar over his eye. He looked so domestic in that moment that I almost forgot I was looking at a criminal. Almost.

Looks can surely be deceiving - i thought as i sipped my coffee, watching him from across the table.

We haven’t spoken a word to each other since last night, none of us tried to make small conversation. We just kept going as if everything was normal. It felt unreal and yet so comforting, it still amazed me how natural we could act together at times like this at this point I didn’t know if he was the insane person or me.

Oddly enough we did everything together, from breakfast to picking each other’s clothes for today, to lunch and eventually getting ready in his room for the meeting.

I was confused, it was writing all over my face and anyone could tell. Even he could as we got ready in his bathroom, I couldn’t stop stealing glances at him as i did my make up.

- that’s rude… - he said as he fixed his sleeves - you’re staring.

- that’s audacious coming from you - put the lipstick own.

We didn’t said anything after that but I couldn’t forget how he laughed at that, for the first time it was a genuine laugh.

As i found myself beside him on his car, Hoseok - as he called jack when we got in the car - drove us to our destination and I couldn’t understand how he wouldn’t just tell me what this all was about, even after making me come all the way with him.

What was this meeting about? Why he needed me there?

- I have something for you…- he said for the first time since we left the house.

- yes? - I turned to look at him.

He takes my hand, palm facing up before placing a silver collar with a butterfly on it.

- I saw you wearing one like this when I first meet you… - he says as if it was nothing.

I looked at him in utter shock, i was aware that he was perceptive of everything around him I just never knew I was included in that perception as well. He had notice such small detail about me from so long ago, I couldn’t hide my surprise - more like utter shock.

- don’t think too much of it… you can wear it or throw it away - he says, his tone was nonchalant, but i could still see his lingering gaze on the necklace every now and then.

- I never thought you were one to give gifts…

- humph… i told you not to think much of it - he looks over the window as i stare at him with a grin.

- my bad… help me put it on? - i say leaning closer to his side, watching as he looks at me suspiciously.

His eyes lock into mine sharply, almost like a cat eyeing a mouse before he scoffed and leaned closer to me with a smirk on his lips. He takes the necklace from my hand, and turn my back for him holding my hair up as he places the jewelry around my neck. For a split moment his cold finges slowly brush against my neck making me almost shrink at the sudden touch. I could hear his south breathing behind me, his breath hitting the back of my back exposed by the dress i wore. Once i could tell the necklace was closed around my neck i let go my hair, but before i could move away he pulls on my arm making me stop on my tracks.

- what? - i say in almost a whisper, feeling my cheeks heat up for letting him know how he had affected me in that moment.

- don’t move… - he says behind me, his breathing hitting my shoulder as he leans even closer.

I could feel my face heating up and body shivering, suddenly feeling like a tiger was about to jump over me from behind. He pulls my hair to the side, his touch almost soothing and like a predator hunting its pray he was the best at distracting before attacking.

I gasped when he suddenly grips my neck pushing his body against mine as he circles his right arm around my waist.

- you do have a beautiful neck… - he whispers in my ear - you know what i like the most about you, y/n?

- no… - i swallowed hard, knowing him this could either end really good or bad.

- your strength… - he grips my neck tighter, forcing me to look only ahead but still not enough to cut my air, just enough to apply the needed pressure to keep me in his claws. - you almost look weak but when i push the right buttons you never hesitate to pull the trigger, such an interesting puppet you are y/n. I want you beside me.

- i thought i already was… you trying to make it seem I’m choosing to work for you just to mess with me - i grip his writs pulling his hand off my neck - i was always a pawn on your games, i will stay beside you but not like the others.

- good… - he gives me small smile letting go of me- I’d hate to get bored of you so soon.

I couldn’t decipher him at all. He only acted however he saw fit in any situation, I couldn’t understand him at all but one thing i knew - he did know which buttons to push to make me go mad in both good and bad ways.

The car son comes to a stop in front of a luxury building, the name Golden Star shined bright in cursive words on top of it. A few sports cars were parked in front of it and i watched as a men walks out of a Ferrari in a tuxedo with a woman wearing a bright silver dress, completely exuding luxury head to toe. Suddenly i felt a bit self conscious of picking my doctor martins as shoes with the dress i wore, it never bothered me before in Paradise because people there weren’t always dressed so sophisticated like that but now that i look at it. I should’ve have put more effort into it.

Yoongi takes my hand placing around his arm as he guides me inside the building, the place was something I’ve only ever saw in movies. As we walk past the entrance we stop at the entering hall, in the middle of two big stairs was a red velvet curtain leading to entry of the cassino. I only ever heard about this place on the news, the hotel and cassino Golden Star. Even the air here felt more rich than outside.

- master Yoongi - a men dressed in a tuxedo approaches us, his name tag read Alfred. - mister Wuhan hasn’t arrived yet but he left the room ready for you in advance, but if you wish to entertain yourself at the cassino till his arrival I’ll guide you there.

- want to see the cassino? - Yoongi suddenly whispered to me.

- what? - i looked at him surprised, i didn’t expect he would take that into consideration and mostly i didn’t understand why he would.

- it might take some time… won’t you indulge into some fun before the real meeting starts? - he grins, glint shining in his eyes mischievously.

- honestly… it doesn’t catch my interest.

It truly didn’t, games in cassino were never something I found interest in partaking. If ever, i might felt curious now that they were so close to my reach but i was more inclined into watching it seeing how it worked rather than playing.

- we’ll go straight to the room - he says to Alfred.

- Very well master - Alfred smiles softly - this way, please.

We fallow Alfred up the long stairs, into a long corridor till we stop at a double black door. The men uses a black card on the digital lock, i notice the three golden letters on it “VIP” in golden cursive. As the door opens were soon met with glass window wall ahead with golden curtains hanging from above on each corner. The floor and the walls where black but the floor had a marble effect with gold and gray, in the center of the room was a L couch in velvet black as well as a red glass coffee table in the center and a mini bar on the right with a tv above it on the wall.

The decoration wasn’t what surprised me but who was sitting there, all blissful and shirt half opened.

- oh there you are… Agust d and miss bodyguard… - Jimin looks at us over his lashes, taking a sip of a red drink on his right hand and having a hard time with the straw. Clearly he was already drunk.

- i thought you stoped with this…. - Yoongi says, walking over the opposite couch and sitting down already taking a cigarette and his lighter to smoke.

- i did but… Wuhan offered a good deal so I couldn’t say no - Jimin mumbles, for a moment i try not to jump to conclusions but I couldn’t help but wonder what business he had here, especially with the men Yoongi was supposed to met.

- take a sit.. - Yoongi says to me, blowing the smoke into the air - have your fill…

He motions with his head towards the mini bar filled with all different types of alcohol bottles.

- I’m not one to drink actually - i cross my arms, taking a cigarette at sit at the corner of the couch.

- why? Can’t handle your alcohol? - he smirks, his tone full of sarcasm.

- no i just get tired from drinking, besides… as your pawn shouldn’t i stay sober? - i arch my eyebrow as i look at him.

- touché… - he blows the smoke into my direction.

- did you two fight? - Jimin leans closer to me - y/n! Since you’re here give me some attention, hum?

He blinked slowly as he stares at me, still leaning closer to my side. Although i doubt he was doing on purpose and not just falling at this point. It could be considered a crime how blissfully beautiful he looked now, perhaps the lingering innocence he managed to keep while still having a sexy appeal was what made him impossible to resist. The combo of always saying the right words as if he coated each one with honey could be added to the list of things that made him powerful, with no doubt i was sure he could have anyone he wanted with just a few words.

But i wasn’t like others, i could still see under that mask he wore, different then Yoongi i could read Jimin with ease because that was who he was, he never tried to hide his intentions and desires. Being like that was who he was, and being himself with the wrong people was what made him weak and easy to take advantage off. Knowing that I couldn’t just look at him as some sexy guy in front of me, i felt more… worried.

- i’ll give you some then…- i smiled softly, taking the glass from his hand i pick a bottle of water from the coffee table opening for him and putting a straw in it, i hold it up for him to drink.

At first he only stares at me with a pout on his lips before reluctantly drink the water, i hear a chuckle behind me and i look at Yoongi over my shoulder.

- you’re picking strays like that? - he teases.

- shut up… I’d do the same for you… - I mumble.

- you wouldn’t.

His assertion was final, it was truth. I would never do the same for him because he would never put himself into such situations, Yoongi didn’t need anyone to take care of him he was just that capable of living by himself. Knowing exactly every step to take to get where he wanted and never falling into the temptations of getting wasted as it would only take away his focus and control. Perhaps now I could actually get a little bit inside his mind after all, that thought brought a smile to my face for some reason.

I spend the next moments taking care of Jimin, making sure he eat an apple from the fruit plate in the middle of the coffee table that at first I thought was fake, and making sure he drinks water until he’s at least bit sober.

Jimin was a baby when drunk, I took those mental notes as he nuzzled on my neck and pouted the entire time.

If it wasn’t for the moment someone called him over he would probably still be on my lap like a puppy.

- Thank you miss body guard… thanks to you I can walk down the stairs without breaking a bone - he smiled at me before walking out the privet room.

I chuckled to myself as I saw him leaving.

- you’re quite the sweetheart adopting strays… - yoongi mumble.

- you seem jealous? - I retorted.

- me? Of that? - he scoffed, while pouring another glass of whiskey for himself.

He looked at me for a moment wordlessly, his gaze boring into mine. He slides closer to my side, until i almost feel his body heat against mine.

- Maybe you’re just trying to get a reaction out of me, - he added, voice lowering to a deep murmur as he holds his eyes still firmly on mine.

- And if I want a reaction, which do I get? - I stare back at his eyes firmly.

A hint of a smirk tugged at the corners of his mouth, and he took another drag from his cigar, a plume of smoke billowing around his face.

-Maybe you should find out, -he replied, his voice lowering to a deep murmur. He was leaning so close now I could feel the heat from his body, the scent of cigar smoke filling my lungs and the whiskey on his breath.

He let the moment drag on, his eyes never leaving mine. After a few moments of silence, he reached out, his fingers brushing against my cheek as he holds my chin to face him.

- You’re playing a dangerous game, - he murmured, almost to himself.

- you’ve been sitting here watching, playing fool but I want you… - I stare back at him.

A low growl escaped his lips and in one swift move, he had me backed up against the couch, his body pressed close to mine, hands on each side of my head, trapping me under him.

- You’re playing with fire…. - he whispered against my ear, his voice a low murmur. - we shouldn’t do this game now… I’m working here.

I froze for moment, his eyes meeting mine with a longing and fire I never seen before. I could feel my body heat rise, my chest moving up and down as I breathed and the loud thump of my own heart beat in my ears.

- You don’t know what you’re asking for, - he said quietly, his voice almost hoarse. - teasing me like this before my meeting….

- Why? Afraid someone might walk in? - I mumbled, breathing heavily as I looked from his eyes to his lips.

I could see how he tensed slightly, his eyes darting to the door.

- I’m not afraid of anything, - he snapped, his voice a little gruff. He leaned in closer to my face, his gaze intense. - But if someone were to walk in, what would they see? How much… would be off by then?

He slides his hand under the skirt of the dress, tracing up my thigh and pulling over his hip.

His hand clenched around my thigh, the tension between you both growing.

- You want to do this here? - He asked quietly, his voice gruff. He leaned in even closer, his breath hot against the skin of my neck.

- You set my body on fire… is only fair you take care of it.

- I might just do something we’ll both regret. - he murmured, his voice low and rough.

- I never thought you’d be one to restrain yourself?

A smirk tugged at the corner of his lip, and let out a mocking little huff.

- You really think you can tease me, don’t you? - He asked, his voice lowering to a dangerous murmur.

Before i could respond, he suddenly pressed his body against me, his lips claiming mine in a harsh, intense kiss.

- Mmmh… - I circle my arms around his neck, pulling him even closer.

His lips met with mine hungrily, body pressing against mine and hands gripping my thighs in bruising grip. He didn’t hold back, making me ache even more for his touch, giving in to the desire i had been holding back for so long. One of his hands gripped my hip as the other slides over my side and chest, giving it a tight squeeze before sliding up my neck grabbing a fistful of my hair. I moan into his mouth, arching my back, he let out a low, guttural, possessive growl against your mouth.

He tilts my head to the side, with a pull on my hair trailing his lips down my neck, leaving rough kisses as he went. I was a mess under him as he continued to bite and suck on the sensitive skin, gripping his shoulders as I felt him leave a long lick over my pulse.

- Do you have any idea what you do to me?- He whispered against my skin, his voice rough and ragged sending shivers down my spine.

- Ahhh… I could think of… a few things… - I mumble breathlessly.

He thinks I can still speak right now?

He let out a mocking little huff, his breath hot against my neck.

- Oh really? - He asked, his lips hovering over your skin, his tongue darting out to taste you. - You seem confident, huh?

- shut up…

He lets out a dark laugh, his hand tightening in your hair.

- Is that what you want? - he presses another harsh nip at my neck. - For me to shut up?

He tugged on my hair again, pulling my head back further, exposing more of my neck completely to himself. His lips trail wet kisses along my skin, nibbling gently on my collarbones.

He lets go of my hair, hand trailing down the curve of my body to my hip, squeezing the flesh in a tight grip.

I could feel his smirk against my skin, his fingers gripping into my hip tighter as he pushed his body even more against mine, pressing his hips into mine.

- Don’t tell me you’re getting shy on me all of a sudden? - he murmured, his tone almost mocking.

- Shut up… you know what I want…

- I know what you want - he murmured, his voice low and rough. He leaned in, his lips ghosting against my earlobe so softly I could feel my body giving in all restraints - But I want to hear you say it. Tell me what you want.

I couldn’t bring myself to say it, all the things I wanted him to do to me in that moment. All the lewd things that clouded my mind and the ways I wanted him to take me. For a split second I was back at reality, we shouldn’t be doing this now. Anyone could enter the room, but heaving him so close after heaving a taste was not helping my mind make a single right thought.

So I didn’t say anything and just pulled him into a fervently kiss.

He groans against my lips, almost caught of guard as i pull him but quickly, his hand is gripping my hip even tighter as he regains controls once more. His body is pressed even more into mine, his other hand grabbing a fistful of my hair, as his lips move against mine hungrily, desperately as if he couldn’t get enough of it and so couldn’t I.

His tongue delves into my mouth, tasting, dominating the kiss in a brutal sort of way. He was restless, pushing and pressing his body flush against mine, his arms wrapped around your waist as he grinds against my core pulling my leg over his hip.

I groan into his mouth, pulling on his hair making him moan into the kiss, his hand yanking on your hair slightly as I bite his bottom lip. He was so demanding and fierce, It turned me on even more, and i could feel the fire inside me burning hotter with each second. I needed him desperately.

He pulls away from the kiss, nipping at my lip, and moves back to kiss along the side of my neck again, this time with a little more teeth, as if to leave his own mark on me.

- You’re driving me crazy… - he murmurs against your throat, his voice rough.

He lets out another low chuckle, as he continues to kiss along your neck, his teeth grazing the skin, leaving behind little marks as his hands roam all of my body.

I stare up at his eyes, holding him closer. I wanted to stay in that moment forever but before I could even open my lips to say anything, the sound of a knock on the door stopped us.

He froze, his eyes snapping towards the door, his expression dark. He was breathing heavily, holding me even tighter, obviously angry to be interrupted at this moment.

- He’s here… - Jack voice says from the other side of the door.

The men Yoongi was supposed to meet arrived. What a timing.

Once he registered that he was quick to let go of me, sitting upright while he fixed his shirt.

Now it was time for business, for Agust d to show up.

- I’m gonna fix myself in the bathroom… - I say as I get up.

- yeah… don’t take too long though - he mumbles already taking another cigar from his pocket.

Once I exit the room I release a breathe I didn’t even knew I was holding, my body still tingled from the after effects of his touches and I couldn’t think of anything else but us.

I no longer felt ashamed from wanting more, for the first time I’ve been with Yoongi I only wanted more of him. I didn’t had to worry about people finding out at work because I no longer belonged to that life.

As I walk to the ladies room, I look back at the corridor seeing as a men with white hair walks into the room Yoongi was. He had two bodyguards with him and Jimin by his side, clinching his arm like an intimate friend. So that’s what he does - I thought.

I didn’t wanted to go back now, so I took my time in the bathroom. Splashing some cold water on my hands so i can wet my neck, trying my best to keep my body in control.

For some reason I had a bad feeling about this meeting. I couldn’t put my mind into what it was, but something felt odd. I felt like I saw that men with the white hair before, was it something at the station about him, perhaps, but I couldn’t put my mind to it.

With one last look at the mirror I exit the bathroom, walking back to the VIP room. From afar I notice the two body guards weren’t by the door anymore, making me stop immediately at my tracks. This didn’t seem right, as I reach for the door handle I hear a groan from behind the door and my heart jumps in my chest - Yoongi!

I gasped as a hand grabs me from behind pressing a cloth over my mouth and nose, the strong smell of chemicals immediately hits me making my nose burn. I try my hardest to pull away but the men holds me tightly against a wall, my mind was beginning to feel hazy and I knew what would happen then.

I was getting kidnapped.

What a damn timing.

[…]

It felt like I was hit by a car, my head was so heavy it took my longer to open my eyes then to wake up. I regretted immediately after once a sharp pain hit through my head, when I tried to move I felt my wrists and feet tied to the chair.

All the sounds around me were distant muffled voices, my head was spinning and I couldn’t speak.

- oi! Wake up doll…

- oh… gods… you guys are ugly - i groaned, looking up at the two men.

I’m so fucked now, how did i even got in this situation?

- ahh damn you Agust D!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Authors note: Call me the queen of cliff hanger endings because I’m about to push you all, jokes aside i bet you all thought i left right? And i did… for some time, but I’m back to finish this up for you all. Also sorry for any errors and mistakes. You better give this chapter a heart! Love you all and happy new year!

Tag list; @catlove83 @passionandsuga @crystallizedtime @cuntessaiii @rosquilleta @fatmaortiz @wobblewobble822 @mygdday @coralmusicblaze @whipwhoops @glosstwn @i-have-no-life-charlie @kooslilhoe @tarahardcore @manuosorio @thvlover @missroro @btspurplesky @i-am-invisible-for-you @celticcountrygal @fairywriter-oracle @m4gg13-g @unadulteratedlyunique @anaspectoflife @younhakim29 @nochookiee @strxwbloody @yoongislatinagff @pandafuriosa60 @kimsonlyluv @sukonsukuna @amariemoore @starrlo0ver @effielumiere @lovelgirl22 @baechugff @poochieshooky @seonghwaexile @xyahrinx

[self-made-purgatories]

Yes, he is here. But he is still gone: The Five Stages of Grief (and Seven Sorrows) of Heartbroken Kirk. Part 4 of my thoughts about TMP.

(Once again, a verrrrrrrrry long post for people like me who are into that sort of thing; abandon all hope ye who enter here, etc., etc. This is the latest in a long series of posts about my theories that the end of Season 3 of TOS details a Spirk breakup arc that remains unresolved at the end of the series, then comes to a head in TMP, where we now find ourselves. Get comfortable and enjoy.)

Yes. Kirk still thinks about Spock sometimes.

How could he not? They were once deeply, desperately, hopelessly in love. But the mission always came first. Neither of them knew themselves as well as they should. Mistakes were made. Feelings, which never should have existed in the first place, were excruciatingly hurt. A wedge came between them, and their love went down in metaphorical flames. Spock learned that love is a double-edged sword of both ecstasy and misery, both of which can kill. And so he decided to leave it all behind.

When Spock made the decision to leave for kolinahr, he made it clear that this tie was to be severed forever. Kirk cried for days (mostly to himself, once or twice to McCoy). Spock resolved to give up everything, including any chance at ever loving anyone again. Perhaps that made Kirk saddest of all, not that their own love ended; he could have been okay with it if he had known that Spock was happier somewhere else. But he cried for Spock, because Spock would never love at all, not ever again.

Yes, love can hurt. Kirk knows. They are two sides of the same coin. And yet, love is always worth it.

Spock disagreed.

All his life, Spock pulled his pain tighter and tighter around him until he wore it like a second skin. Eventually it was just part of who he was. This allowed him to pretend that it was invisible to both himself and others. That it no longer existed. Even as it suffocated him.

For years he has been telling himself that love is only pain by another name. He has worked toward the goal of letting go of both completely. If love is gone, he believes, then pain will be gone too.

And yet, when faced with the moment of truth, the exact time to let go of love for the last time, the final time he would ever permit himself to think of his treasured friend, brother, lover; he can't do it.

He can't let go after all. He must go to him.

He tells himself it's, again, for the mission. The mission has always come first. It's not for Kirk. It's not for love. It couldn't be. That would be illogical. That is not sufficient motivation for the persona he has carefully constructed for himself over years of discipline and practice.

And yet, his t'hy'la is calling, and so he must go.

Yes. It has been years.

But yes, Kirk still thinks of Spock sometimes. How could he not? He was the most beautiful soul he ever encountered in all of his years of searching. He thinks of the long taut curve of his back bent over his calculations, the winding well-ordered hallways of his brilliant mind, the way that mind could always make him feel safe by making sense of the chaos around them, the electric zinging ache deep in his body every time they touched. Those desperate, intimate, fleeting moments when Spock allowed himself to truly see and truly be seen, to truly touch and truly be touched, to truly love and truly be loved, by Kirk alone. The exquisite romance of exploring one another as they explored the universe together. Of learning what it means to be human, together.

It is bittersweet, because all of that is just a memory now.

Yes, love can hurt. Kirk knows. They are two sides of the same coin. And yet, love is always worth it.

Even if it is all over now.

And yet, one of Kirk's wildest dreams has already come true: He is back on the bridge of the Enterprise, sitting in the big chair, reliving the fulfillment of his past, feeling that adrenaline surge of being in command and facing certain death in the hope of saving the day.

And yet, he can't fully enjoy it. He keeps thinking, "I wish Spock were here." He specifically requests a Vulcan science officer. The ship faces an antimatter imbalance problem that even Scotty can't crack, that he knows Spock would have been able to fix. And, as always, there's the loneliness.

Suddenly, Spock is at the forefront of his mind. The fulfillment of this dream of return is incomplete without Spock at his side.

Does he allow himself to indulge a silly fantasy, that Spock would somehow materialize on the bridge? In his fantasy, does Spock profess his love, his willingness to take the bad with the good, to accept Kirk as he is, to accept love as it is, and to never, ever leave again?

Did Kirk ever imagine, after all these years, that this other wildly hopeless dream could also come true, even partially?

And so, when Spock all at once imposes himself on the bridge, fantasy and reality collide. There stands before Kirk an otherworldly vision in black robes, with cheekbones that cut like glass and eyes that stare straight through to the soul. And Kirk nearly loses his mind. And he knows what he has always known deep within himself: once and for all time, he is deeply in love with Spock.

And now, wonder of wonders, Spock is here.

But it's not the happy reunion that Kirk wants. It is not a homecoming, or a recommitment to love and to life. Like the Nomad probe in season 2 of TOS, this moment is a Changeling, like the old earth legends. A fairy child, left in place of a human baby, that assumed the identity of the human child.

The Spock that walks through that door is not the Spock in his mind. He is not his Spock.

Welcome to Stage One:

Denial

Kirk's jaw drops. He breathes Spock's name out like a prayer. His entire body snaps to attention. He whispers; no, he exhales, Spock's name again, like it is a deep breath he has been holding for years. He would kiss him if he could. He would have him right here on the bridge, even in front of all these people. He would hold him in his arms and cry into his neck for hours.

But Spock's only response is to meet Kirk's gaze and square his shoulders. He doesn't say a single word in response.

And yet, Kirk is brimming with hope. This person, this love, that he thought he lost forever has just walked back in the door and now anything is possible. There is suddenly a light in Kirk's eyes that we have not seen at all so far in this movie.

As Spock busies himself at the science station, Kirk looks like he is about to burst into tears of joy. He can barely believe it as he says the words reinstating Spock's Starfleet commission and position as science officer.

What is he trying to say to Spock privately, through their telepathic bond in his mind? My t'hy'la my love my Spock I've missed you I can't believe you're here There is a hole in my soul that only you can fill Please stay please stay please stay forever I love you.

But Spock does not answer, neither out loud nor through the bond in their minds. Kirk's outpouring is met with a wall of stony silence. Spock's shields are raised in every sense.

When McCoy and Chapel come in to greet Spock, he looks around for a moment like a trapped animal before fleeing for the door, explaining that he needs to consult with engineering. There is not a single extraneous word. There is no greeting. No warmth, no soul, all mission.

And then, suddenly, Kirk begins to understand.

This is not a happy ending; this is not a homecoming. This is a tragedy. This is a train wreck.

Nothing is forgiven. Nothing is forgotten. To Spock, love is still only pain.

Yes, he is here. But he is still gone.

And the foolish hope fades from Kirk's face. But he isn't ready to give up yet.

Welcome to Stage Two:

Anger

Oh. So you're only back for the job. Is that it? You can't even look me in the eye and say hello? Does friend, brother, lover mean nothing to you?

You'll remember that I wrote about how Spock's internal conflict during his breakup with Kirk is presented in the episode All Our Yesterdays as an allegorical journey into hell through the Seven Deadly Sins. Here is another religious allegory; the Seven Sorrows, which encompass seven painful but meaningful moments represented as seven metaphorical swords in the heart. The bookend to Spock's experience of the Seven Deadly Sins is this: Kirk's experience of Seven Sorrows, seven metaphorical knives in the heart given to him in rapid succession by Spock's return.

Spock's cold demeanor on the bridge, his rejection of Kirk's warmth, is the first of Kirk's Seven Sorrows, the first knife that his reunion with Spock plunges into his heart.

As Spock walks into the turbolift, Kirk sends out one last desperate grab for connection. His face is screwed up with pain and anger and betrayal as he says, "Mr. Spock. Welcome aboard."

Spock does not even turn around.

This rejection is the second Sorrow, the second knife that Spock plunges into Kirk's heart.

(Interlude)

Let's take a step back from Kirk and consider Spock for a moment. Is he, in his pain, punishing Kirk on purpose? Maybe. Is he simply acting in the way his kolinahr training has prepared him, bringing some of this stoic discipline back to the secular world with him? Possibly. Is he hurting and suffering, and as always, trying to suppress it? Definitely.

In the past, Kirk was his safe person. He is no longer. Spock is overcome with pain of the memories of the way that things ended between them. This has gone beyond the usual walls he has with everyone; where Kirk is concerned, Spock has built his metaphorical walls even higher and stronger and covered them in concertina wire.

Think also of his complicated feelings about his failure to reach kolinahr. It feels like a failure to truly be Vulcan; a failure of the main goal of his life. Perhaps he still thinks that he can make his way back there after completing this last mission. He can't let Kirk in at all; it would destroy any small chance he still has of accomplishing that goal. So he goes on the offensive against Kirk.

For the next scene, Spock busies himself right away with correcting the antimatter imbalance and fixing the ship. Kirk continues his duties on the bridge.

But Kirk is still deep in the anger phase a short while later, when he and McCoy are waiting for Spock in the officer's lounge. Kirk paces nervously while McCoy tucks himself in a corner. When Spock enters, Kirk freezes.

"Science officer Spock, reporting as ordered, Captain."

Spock announces himself formally, saying his own name and position out loud, as if Kirk doesn't already know who he is. This is the third knife in Kirk's heart: You, Captain, are a stranger to me.

A wave of hurt and anger washes over Kirk's face.

Bargaining

Because the stages of grief are not linear, and not very sharply defined and separate, Kirk has one foot in Anger and one foot in Bargaining in this part of the scene.

"Please, sit down."

Spock doesn't refuse outright, he doesn't confront him; he simply stares into Kirk's eyes for a moment and remains standing as he trades sarcastic barbs with McCoy. Kirk gestures at the couch and McCoy obediently takes a seat.

Bones, as usual, is trying to hide his feelings in that caustic humor. Spock, meanwhile, has repressed his feelings very deep within himself, as always. Kirk, however, is an open book, and the heartbreak on his face is enough for all three of them.

It used to be that Spock knew and did what Kirk wanted and needed before he even asked for it. Now, Kirk asking him to sit down is a friendly invitation, not an order, and Spock is making a small but pointed show of defiance. You can't influence me. You will get no favors from me. If this isn't coming from you as a direct order from my commanding officer, I don't have to do it.

Ignoring Kirk's friendly invitation to sit down is the Fourth Sorrow, the fourth knife in Kirk's heart.

Kirk and McCoy are trying to make sense of why Spock is there, what happened to his choice to pursue kolinahr, but Spock doesn't provide any explanation. Kirk invites him a second time: "Sit down." This time, Kirk also sits down in demonstration, casually perching on the arm of the couch in an attempt to hide the desperate gravity that he feels in this situation.

But Spock, once again, does not sit down. It is, again, a small act of defiance. Once, long ago, he would mirror his body to Kirk's even in the most casual of situations. He would study his arms and copy them. He would study his stance and stand the same way. They would move in unison without ever thinking about it or mentioning it.

Once, long ago, he would do anything, just because Kirk was doing it. Now, he is saying, I am my own person. I will move independently of you. I will sit when I please.

Spock rejecting Kirk's second request, as well as his bodily cues, is the fifth knife in Kirk's heart.

Kirk and McCoy continue talking through their confusion about what Spock is doing there. But they ask no direct questions, and Spock volunteers no explanation. Finally, Kirk completely loses any vestiges of his external cool and begs Spock to sit down a third time, drowning in anger and exasperation: "Will you, please... sit... down!"

It's not just about the sitting down. This is the bargaining phase of Kirk's grief. If he could at least get him on the same page about sitting down together, maybe they could get on the same page about more important things. It is another desperate plea for connection. He is asking him, Are you here to stay? Or will you leave me again? Could you please at least commit to this conversation with me if you can't commit beyond that?

Spock finally sits, but it's too late. Kirk has lost his cool and Spock has won this round. Kirk knows this, and the fact that Spock is keeping score is the sixth knife in his heart. But he still has one more bargaining chip to play. He stares deeply into Spock's eyes. What is he saying to him? Spock, it's me. Let me in. Please.

Spock finally looks away and starts talking. He explains the telepathic events that led him back to the Enterprise. He explains that he hears the thoughts of The Intruder, and implies that those thoughts are what led him back to the Enterprise. But the Motion Picture Novelization specifically explains that it was Kirk's thoughts he was hearing through their bond that brought him back. He doesn't offer details in either case, but he does inform Kirk and McCoy of his telepathic connection to The Intruder. McCoy tries to break the tension with another wisecrack and Kirk shuts him down.

"Bones!" he says sideways over his shoulder. "We need him."

He turns to Spock and leans forward onto his own knees, making that deep, intense eye contact that, for them, is another form of communication.

"I need him," Kirk says.

This is a coded message. There are several places in the series and the movies where Kirk says to Spock (and occasionally to McCoy), "I need you." Any time Kirk says, "I need you," what he means is, "I love you."

This is Kirk's last bargaining chip. Love is the last salvo in his arsenal.

But it is telling that he doesn't say, "I need you," to Spock. He says, "I need him," of Spock, while looking directly at Spock, but he is technically saying it to McCoy. Kirk is cautious; he is wounded. And he is terrified of saying the wrong thing and sending skittish Spock running yet again. So he tells him, subtly, indirectly, "I love you. I still love you. Do what you will with that information."

Spock's answer is cold, professional, focused on the mission: "Then my presence is to our mutual advantage."

Kirk understands. His face falls slack. He narrows his eyes. The confusion is gone. But also, the hope is gone. All that is left is pain. This is the Seventh Sorrow, the final knife in his heart. He suddenly realizes that all the hope he felt when Spock arrived on the bridge was foolish and pointless.

Just as he realized earlier on the bridge: Yes, Spock is here. But he is still gone.

And so is Kirk's hope of the two of them bouncing back from this. His tone changes again. Welcome to stage four:

Depression

Kirk is defeated, deflated. He gives up trying to reach Spock, for now. He is resigned, matching Spock's calm, professional tone as he tells him what he needs from him for the mission.

"Of course, Captain," Spock answers. "Is there anything else?"

"No," Kirk answers, a little too quickly and a little too forcefully. It is, of course, a lie. There is so much else. He could fill a whole book with everything else he wants to say, with everything else that he needs from him.

But Spock accepts his answer and he slowly, heavily, gets up and walks out of the room. And Kirk watches him leave yet again.

And, because the stages of grief are not linear, bargaining again rears its head and Kirk springs to his feet, following Spock like a lost puppy. But McCoy, who knows all and sees all, who remembers the tears back when the wound was still fresh, stops him. He knows that it would do no good.

So Kirk puts on his best professional face, his best Admiral persona. He compartmentalizes his grief so that he is able to go to the bridge and sit mere feet away from the man he loves, who has actively decided to no longer love him back, and still face the mission like the seasoned professional he is.

The final stage of grief is, of course, acceptance. This will come later. It is a process.

Yes, love can hurt. Kirk knows. They are two sides of the same coin. And yet, he reminds himself, love is always worth it.

[mikashisus]

EVENTIDES' EVERGLOW

"HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR PURPOSE? LET ME REMIND YOU."

greetings, mortals! you all have been cordially invited to attend athena’s and ares' annual god games, the eventides’ everglow, where individuals have the chance to prove their strength (of both body and mind) in challenges that no ordinary mortal could withstand.

as stated by the great god of wisdom, athena, all spectators must sign up first in order to attend!

“RUTHLESSNESS IS MERCY UPON OURSELVES!”

rules.

i. first, you must send a message to the temple of the wind god. in your message, please list the name of your desired contestant, choose their challenge, and choose 3 of their opponents. after you have done so, the temple keeper will read over your message and hand you your ticket to the games!

ii. during the games, everyone will have a chance to vote on which hero gets to progress and which does not. this means, all spectators must be present for each round of the games!

iii. the contestants will compete in teams of 4. four individuals will face a challenge together, but it’s every man for themselves. they can cooperate with each other, but in the end, one winner must emerge victorious. whoever is left standing at the very end is the reigning champion of the games and brings glory to the god they’re representing!

iv. before submitting your message to the temple keeper, please ensure you have read this post first.

v. this event will only be hosting characters from genshin and honkai: star rail.

[ SEATS TAKEN : 11/15 ]

“YOU WANT BATTLE? I'LL GIVE YOU WAR.”

( a list of the challenges all the contestants are to participate in! )

• THE STORM — angst

• THE CYCLOPS — soulmates au

• THE MINOTAUR — enemies to lovers

• THE MASKED FOOLS — fluff/humor

• SCYLLA — unrequited love

• BEYOND THE SKY CHOIR — reincarnation

• THE HEXENZIRKEL — harry potter au

• THE SEVEN ARCHONS — regula solis epoch au (see this post)

• THE TITANS — percy jackson au

• THE LABYRINTH — until then au

“HE IS HALF OF MY SOUL, AS THE POETS SAY.”

footnotes.

first and foremost, thank you all for participating in this event! it took me a hell of a long time to work on, but it was fun regardless! i decided to put this note down here just in case anyone needed a simplified version of the rules (to avoid confusion). so basically, all you need to do is submit the name of a character from either genshin or hsr (make sure they're on the list of characters i write for first), then tell me which challenge from the above list you want them to complete, and then 3 opponents (ex.: "blade + the storm + dan heng, jing yuan, kafka"). at the end of the request, i'll give a brief overview of the challenge and how it went for the characters. then i will place a poll and you guys get to vote which character survived the challenge and which did not! note: only one character can make it out of the challenge alive ;). to avoid any further confusion, the aus listed next to the challenges are the type of fics you want me to write about the character you're requesting. the actual challenge, as i said before, will be briefly mentioned at the end of your request. if there are multiple requests for one challenge, then the next challenge will be briefly overviewed at the end. (ex.: someone requests "the hexenzirkel". i'll write a harry potter au with the character they asked for and then at the end of one of the requests, i'll give an overview of how a battle against the seven archons went instead!). this will be to avoid doubles, though since there are only 10 challenges and 15 seats, there's bound to be doubles lmao. if there are doubles with characters and that character previously lost in a challenge, then the overview at the end will include 4 different characters of my own choosing. otherwise it wouldn't rlly make sense yk. if you have any questions, my inbox is always open and i will be happy to answer them!

[iinsertblognamee]

Buzzfeed; The 10 Times Sam Kerr and Y/N Arnold Made Us Believe in Love

any pictures are just for illustrative purposes, no face claim

10. They've Known Each Other for Years Before They (Finally) Started to Date

As many Matildas fans may be aware, the couple had met on the field back in 2011 when Y/N made her debut for the national team. It was Caitlin Foord (Matildas team member) who spilled the beans years later, claiming that from the moment they met, that was it. Although the pair weren't hiding their attraction to each other - when Y/N scored the second goal against Norway sending them into the next stage of the World Cup, Sam had been seen kissing Y/N during the celebration.

Picture Left; Westfield Matildas FIFA Women's World Cup 2011 squad Picture Right; Y/N Arnold scoring the second goal for Australia against Norway

In later years, Arnold was asked about the attraction between her and teammate Kerr, and she answered "We were both young when we met, she (Kerr) had taken me under her wing and a great friendship bloomed because of it. I think it was very much puppy love, rushed and a little naive - the rush of sneaking around and all that was thrilling and we liked each other enough to fall into it I guess. Feelings got hurt in the process and we removed ourselves (from the fling) before it could get too serious. She's always been my friend first and I think that really stood true during the following years and when we were both older and more mature we decided to go for it again - and here we are."

Clip; '21 Questions with Chelsea's Sam Kerr' The Women's Football.

Bonus; While being interviewed Sam Kerr admitted that she had a crush on Y/N Arnold from the moment she met her, although she didn't think the feeling was mutual. "It was our first training session together (Y/N and Sam), and we had been paired up and I was just so distracted by her that I kicked the ball too strong and hit her right in the face." she continued to explain, "I thought well that's my chance gone, though Y/N was so nice about it and even joked that she'd be able to tell our kids all about it later. Always nice to hear your crush talk about your non-existent kids." The interviewer adds, "Did she end up telling your daughter?" Sam nods her head as she laughs "It's one of Delilah's (Sam and Y/N's Daughter) favourite bedtime stories"

Turns out not even Sam Kerr can escape having a crush on Y/N Arnold. Do we blame her?

9. They Rekindled Their Romance in 2015 when both were signed on by Sky Blue FC

Picture Left; Y/N Arnold and Sam Kerr Picture Right; Y/N Arnold, Caitlin Foord and Sam Kerr

Both girls were signed on in 2015, joining Matildas team member and friend, Caitlin Foord. It's not certain what exactly happened during the off-season between the pair but by the time they were both on the field the attraction to each other was obvious.

One incident included when Y/N had been involved in a rough tackle, Kerr running to aid where fans spotted Sam planting kisses on her forehead as she was looked over by the team medic. At the end of the game when asked about the incident Sam simply said " I went to check on my teammate".

Clip; Interview with Sam Kerr regarding the game

Although we don't know what was said between the pair or if kisses were shared, we can't deny the chemistry the two have.

Dating rumours started after that match, with a 'source close to the couple' claiming that 'the pair had been living together for months and were very happy. Although the hit Y/N had taken a few days before had put everything in perspective for the pair. The two of them are ready to take that next step and come out to the public'.

These claims sent fans into a spin, asking both Kerr and Arnold as well as the other Sky Blue team members about the pair. The answer simply was that they were just 'close friends'.

8. Their love language is physical touch

'Close Friends' is one way of putting it. The pair when seen together can't seem to keep their hands off each other - and we're not mad. The public displays of affection are one we're living for.

so cute

7. They post about each other

It's no secret that these two scream 'couple goals' and continue to prove it with their Instagram posts. From birthday posts to game-day celebrations these two are each other's biggest fans. (And so are we!).

and of course with the post that started it all.

Instagram post; samanthakerr20 'Guess we should make it Instagram official'.

It was Y/N Arnold's big sister who gave us the confirmation we needed, with her comment 'Been dealing with this for years, it was bad enough in person and now I have to see it on social media too?'

6. Their Families

It's not gone unnoticed that Y/N Arnold's big sister is another Matilda star, Miss Mackenzie Arnold. Who also holds the place as one of Sam's Best Friends.

Although Sam wasn't sure that was quite the case when asked in an Interview what was one of the scariest things she's ever had to do. Her answer "Telling my girlfriend's sister (Mackenzie Arnold) that we were dating." she went on to explain that the pair had been keeping their relationship private in the first few months before Mackenzie had walked in on the two of them in a comprising position. "I just remember throwing the blanket over us and trying to explain what was happening but nothing would come out, I mean was in bed with my best friend's little sister. Y/N thankfully managed to break both me and Mac out of our shock and within seconds Macca was out the door. We ended talking later that night and I was so sure that she was going to kick my ass, but instead admitted that she had known for weeks and was seeing how long it would take for us to confess."

Thank god the two besties made it through. It seems that Sam and Mackenzie aren't the only two best friends. Y/N and Sam's sister seem to be close too, with Y/N being a part of her bridal party and the Godmother to one of her children (Along with Sam).

Picture Left; Y/N Arnold, Sam Kerr, Unknown and (Bride) Maddi Picture Right; Maddi, Sam Kerr and Maddi son (Y/N and Sam's Godson)

The Aussie girls have been seen having shared Christmas with both families and Y/N mentioned in an interview that both her mum and Sam's mum would catch up with each other - as far as sharing a hotel room when the pair would come over to London to see the girls.

Seems the Arnold-Kerr families are as tight as can be.

5. Tattoos

It's not a secret that Sam loves her tattoos, showing them off whenever given the chance. But we recently learnt that Miss Y/N Arnold had given Sam her very own tattoo tribute.

Take about permanent love.

4. A wedding

Yep. That's right, the pair got married back in 2020 with family and friends to witness just before the pandemic took over. Although we still have no pictures from the ceremony itself the honeymoon photos are just as cute.

When asked about the wedding, Sam gushed about how beautiful Y/N looked in her dress (we can imagine) and said it was the best day of her life. Although we're sad we didn't get an invite in the mail - we are very happy for the couple. And of course, at the confirmation from Y/N herself that she was now Mrs Kerr (the back of her jersey is now Arnold-Kerr)

3. A Scare

Any soccer fan knows what happened on the 11th of March 2022. The collision between Y/N Arnold and a West Ham team member had the soccer world at a still.

After the game, a statement was released explaining that Y/N was at the hospital getting medical care and would be out until further notice. It was also noted that Sam would be out for the next two games.

As scary as the situation was, Sam had been by Y/N's side the whole time, when Sam scored the next goal after Y/N had been taken off she kissed her ring finger. It didn't take long after the final whistle for both Sam and Mackenize to be off the field and making their way to Y/N.

A week later Sam posted a picture of Y/N, with a thank you for all the kind wishes.

We are just glad that Y/N was okay.

2. A baby

The pair certainly know how to surprise us - on Boxing Day in Australia (2022), Sam posted a snapshot of Y/N and a bump.

Instagram post; samanthakerr20 'hey baby & baby'

Fans (and us) went wild, the comments flowing with congratulations and support from fans, friends and family members. Although we were unsure when the baby was due, we didn't have to wait too long.

The next month (January 2023) Sam posted once again.

Instagram post; samanthakerr20 'Delilah Arnold-Kerr, 21/01/2023'

And from that the newest member of the Arnold-Kerr clan was born.

In separate interviews for the Matildas, Y/N and Sam were asked about parenthood. Y/N stating 'It's definitely crazy, I mean she's been here for three months and she's already grown so fast".

Sam commenting 'Our family and friends have been really supportive and helpful y'know. Both Y/N and I training for the World Cup so the time management with a baby and training is hectic. And of course, Y/N is just superwoman, D and I are very lucky to have her in our lives."

My favourite part was when at the end the interviewer asked how parenting looked on Sam and Y/N responded 'Well she's definitely my favourite milf'.

We 100% agree with you Y/N.

1.The World Cup

Although Sam was called out of the game due to a calf injury that didn't stop her (and baby Delilah) from cheering on the girls during the match. Every time Y/N would get the ball, a cheer could be heard from Sam. Talk about a supportive wife!

And when Sam was let back on the field the next game you best believe that Y/N cheered the loudest on the field.

But it was at the end of the game when Sam ran towards the crowd, grabbing Delilah and bringing her over to Y/N - the two of them sharing a kiss as the crowds around them cheered. Their little family is forever in our hearts.

[steamtrain52]

No Ordinary Boy - Chapter Sixteen

  Tommy stared. And stared. And then stared some more, rubbing at his eyes, but Javi didn’t disappear after he did so.

  When he had seen Travis’ brother in the main room of the cabin, he had first thought his concussion was affecting him more than he’d realised.

  Then he heard Natalie gasp beside him.

  “Javi?” His girlfriend gaped, staring right where Tommy could see the young boy standing.

  So, not a hallucination. But…. but…

  “How?” Tommy heard himself say. “How are you alive?”

  “The wilderness provided for him”, Lottie said. “Just as it provided us with the moose. And it will continue to provide for us, as long as we honour it.”

  Tommy didn’t know what to think. He didn’t know what to feel.

  But as he gazed around the room, he started to see everyone’s gazes shifting towards Lottie, reverence on their faces, and he began to feel… worried.

  Very worried indeed.

  000000000000000000000000

  Their success at bringing the moose back felt so hollow now, Natalie thought. The day after Javi’s inexplicable return to their group, Lottie had suggested hosting meditation sessions in the forest.

  To Natalie’s dismay, almost everyone enthusiastically agreed to join her, including Van and Taissa, and even Travis, dragging Javi along.

  Javi hadn’t said a word to anyone yet, and Natalie wondered how long it would take for him to open up again. She simply couldn’t figure out how he had survived, and Tommy couldn’t think of anything either, though in his defence, he was probably still reeling from his concussion.

  Still, Natalie couldn’t shake the feeling that with Javi’s return, Lottie seemed to have regained the power she’d had over the others, and this time, it was a lot more than a handful of their group who were following her into the woods.

  On the morning of the third day after Javi’s return, Natalie decided to make herself busy, as she and Tommy rose from their bed.

  “Do you… wanna go to the stream and check the gill net?” She asked him.

  “Yeah”, Tommy mumbled. “Sounds good.”

  Breakfast that morning was a quiet affair, as they chewed their way through the moose. Travis and the others had done an excellent job in removing every edible part of the moose from its body, and Natalie found herself sharing part of the great deer’s tongue with Shauna, the only Yellowjacket to join her and Tommy at the breakfast table that morning.

  Shauna was one of the few who had declined Lottie’s invitation to her meditation sessions, and Natalie saw her chance to try and repair the damage wrought between them in the wake of Jackie’s death.

  “Did you ever see yourself enjoying moose tongue?”

  “Uh…” Shauna began. “Weirdly enough, I actually like it more than the meat from the body. Another weird pregnancy craving, I guess.”

  “No, that’s not it”, Tommy said.

  “What?” Shauna asked. “How do you know?”

  “It’s because the tongue is a fatty meat. We’ve all been burning the fat reserves within ourselves ever since the game dried up, so our bodies are craving the meat with more fat in it to… replenish the stores, so to speak.”

  Tommy paused. “My dad once did a training exercise in the Arctic circle. He told me he saw the Inuit- the native people up there- eating only the meat with fat in it from their hunts, and actually throwing the lean meat away to their dogs, because they were having a bad winter and not getting enough to eat.”

  Shauna looked genuinely interested at this information, but Natalie was just happy to hear Tommy speak like this. He had spent the previous two days talking in monosyllables, or just grunting, and Natalie had been getting worried that his head injury was more serious than they knew.

  He did indeed seem more animated than the previous days as they set off to the stream to check the nets, and Natalie took the opportunity to ask him what she had wanted to ever since Javi’s reappearance.

  “Look, Tommy… in all seriousness, what are we going to do? About Lottie? About… about Javi?”

  “I feel…” she swallowed. “I feel like we’re losing the others. Even… even Travis.”

  000000000000000000000000

  “I feel that way, too”, Tommy said. It was the truth. Even since Javi had come back, Travis seemed to be following Lottie around like an eager puppy, and hadn’t spoken to either him or Natalie.

  Javi wasn’t talking to them, either. In fact, Javi was still refusing to say so much as a single word to anybody, and had spent the last few days sitting by the fire in silence, when he wasn’t following Travis to Lottie’s sessions.

  Tommy had hoped Van at least would be on their side, but she now seemed just as taken with Lottie as everyone else. According to her, Taissa hadn’t sleepwalked the previous two nights at all, which Van was crediting to Lottie’s meditations.

  Everyone’s turning against us. 

  Well, everyone except Shauna, Tommy supposed, and Ben. Were they really the only ones who weren’t falling for Lottie’s bullshit?

  “We need to figure out how Javi survived”, Tommy said. “That’s the key. Right now, I can’t think of how he could have done it, but there must be a logical explanation, something we just haven’t thought of yet. Right now, it doesn’t make any sense that he is still alive… so if he can help us make sense of it, maybe some of the others will come back around.”  

  “Okay”, said Natalie. “But you know he still hasn’t talked to anyone.”

  “It’s worth a try”, Tommy said.

  They headed back to the cabin, where Javi was sitting by the fire. To Tommy’s annoyance, Lottie was there as well, but he ignored her as he and Natalie crouched by the younger boy.

  “Javi?”

  Travis’ brother blinked up at him.

  Tommy produced the map that Ben had put together from their drawings, and set it in front of Javi.

  “Look, you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, but… could you just point out where you were? We know you had to have found shelter, but we don’t know where. If you could just… point it out on the map, I really think it could help us.”

  Javi didn’t move a muscle, and Natalie chimed in.

  “Javi, please”, she said. “We’re just trying to figure out how you survived.”

  “The wilderness provided for him”, Lottie piped up, in a voice that made Tommy grind his teeth.

  “That still doesn’t explain how he didn’t freeze to death”, he glared at her, before turning back to Javi.

  “Look, if you just point it out on the map, I promise we’ll-”

  “What are you doing?”

  Now Travis was glaring at him.

  “We’re just trying to find out-”

  “Get away from him!”

  000000000000000000000000

  Travis lunged towards Tommy, but Natalie stepped in his path.

  “Travis, stop! We’re just trying to figure out how he-”

  “You”, Travis spat, pointing at Tommy, “stay the fuck away from my family. You’re the one who said he was dead!”

  “I thought he was”, Tommy said. “We all thought he was, even you.”

  “No. Not all of us”, Travis pointed to Lottie. Her expression was neutral, but Natalie had known Lottie Matthews since kindergarten. She knew Lottie was trying not to smile, and somehow, the thought angered Natalie more than if Lottie really had smiled.

  “Stop looking so smug.”

  “I wasn’t”, Lottie said. “But I was right about Javi. I knew he was still alive. It’s not my fault you didn’t want to listen.”

  “We didn’t want to listen because it didn’t make any sense that he could have survived!” Tommy yelled. “And it still doesn’t. That’s why we’re trying to find out how he did it, so we can make some sense out of it!”

  “He’s alive because the wilderness provided for him”, Travis said, “like Lottie just told you. Now stay. The fuck. Away.”

  We’re not gonna get anywhere like this, Natalie realised.

  “Fine. We’ll try to figure it out ourselves. Tommy, let’s go.”

  Her boyfriend followed her to the table, where he set the map down.

  “We know that Javi was found here”, Natalie said, pointing towards the spot where Travis’ brother had been located, only a mile south of the cabin.

  “It can’t have been far from where he was staying. I say we go there, and search the area.”

  “Sounds good”, Tommy replied.

  000000000000000000000000

  Unfortunately, their search turned up nothing. Nothing at all. Tommy couldn’t understand it. They circled the area in a one-mile radius, but as the hours ticked by, they couldn’t find anywhere Javi might have taken shelter and survived the previous two, now almost three months.

  “I don’t get it”, Natalie said to him. “There’s nothing here he could have used. No cave, no man-made shelter… not so much as an overhanging rock.”

  “I know”, Tommy said. “Maybe we should head back and try talking to him again?”

  Natalie winced. “Travis and Lottie won’t like that.”

  “What Travis and Lottie don’t like is very low on my list of concerns right now.”

  But as they turned to start heading back, Tommy noticed the wind picking up.

  “Do you feel that?” Natalie said, as Tommy started to feel very afraid indeed.

  “It’s a snowstorm. We need to go. NOW!”

  They took off back towards the cabin, and Tommy cursed under his breath. Physically speaking, he was a very fit teenage boy, able to swim and walk miles at a time before he got tired. But he had always hated running. That was why, when his family had come to Wiskayok, Tommy had chosen swimming over soccer, or football, or any other sport that involved running for an extended period of time.

  “Come on!” Natalie screamed at him, as the storm descended upon them.

  “I’m coming!”

  If they had been anyone else amongst the group, save for Travis, maybe, they would never have made it back to the cabin on their own.

  But Tommy and Natalie knew where they were. How many times had they come this exact way over the last six months? A hundred? Two hundred, maybe?

  Tommy wasn’t sure, but he was sure that they were getting close to the cabin, and eventually, the place that had been their home for half a year materialised in front of them through the storm.

  000000000000000000000000

  Natalie threw open the door, panting as Tommy followed, shutting it behind him.

  “Thank God”, she breathed. Good thing we know the area, or we would have been FUCKED- 

  “What the hell happened to you guys?” Van asked them.

  Natalie gaped at her. “Do you… not realise what’s happening outside?”

  Van looked out the window, and Natalie saw her mouth drop.

  “Oh, my God. Tai and Shauna are still out there!”

  “What? Why?!” 

  “Lottie was… talking to the baby, and Shauna freaked out and left. Tai went out after her.”

  “Jesus fuck”, Natalie groaned, looking at Lottie.

  “Why do you have to be so weird-”

  Then the door burst open behind them, and Misty came in, gasping for breath.

  “I LOST HER!” She screeched.

  “Who?” Van asked.

  “Crystal! We were together, and then… and then we got separated in the storm, and it all happened so fast… I kept looking for her, and looking for her, and I was screaming her name, but she just vanished.” 

  Fuck, Natalie thought, bowing her head.

  She hadn’t known Crystal that well, but… Natalie there was no chance for her. Not out in this.

  Javi might have somehow miraculously survived, but Crystal was an eternally bubbly performer, who liked to sing and dance, and talk about the theatre long enough to make any sane person tear their hair out.

  She’ll die out there if she doesn’t find the cabin. 

  Then Tommy strode off quickly, bringing back the map, which he set down on the floor.

  “I’m going back out there. Did anyone see the direction Tai and Shauna headed in, when they left?” Tommy asked, crouching down.

  “Um… uh….” Van said, kneeling on the floor. “There. Out this way, I think.”

  She pointed, but Tommy wasn’t looking at her finger.

  “You think?” He asked Van. “I need you to be sure. Are you sure?”

  “I…. No. No, I’m not”, Van said, and Tommy saw tears in her eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Tom, I don’t know.”

  Tommy relented. “It’ll have to do. I’ll try and find them for you, I promise.”

  “Okay”, Van said. “Thank you.”

  Tommy turned around, only to find himself facing Natalie.

  “You’re not going out there by yourself.”

  “I was hoping you’d say that.”

  000000000000000000000000

  Shauna struggled along, supported by Taissa. Her stomach felt like it was on fire. Was the baby okay? She wasn’t sure. She couldn’t feel it moving anymore.

  “I hear my breath. I hear the wind. I feel our friends wanting to find us. I hear my breath. I hear the wind…”

  For fuck’s sake, Tai, Lottie’s meditation bullshit isn’t going to help us now.

  Shauna wanted to scream the words in the other girl’s ear, but it had become too painful for her to so much as whisper.  

  We’re going to die out here. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. 

  Then as Shauna wallowed in her thoughts, praying the end would be quick, she heard a voice. An unmistakably male voice.

  “SHAUNA! TAI!”

  “TOMMY!” Taissa roared. “WE’RE HERE, WE’RE OVER HERE!”

  “We’re here”, Shauna said, but it came out as a croak.

  Then Tommy and Natalie emerged out of the snowstorm, and Shauna began to cry.

  “Oh”, she sobbed, in a mixture of pain and joy, as she fell to her knees.

  “Help me. Please”, she said, crying her eyes out as she collapsed into Tommy’s arms.

  000000000000000000000000

  Tommy quickly manoeuvred himself around Shauna to scoop her up.

  “Okay, Shauna. I’m gonna carry you back to the cabin, alright?”

  “Yeah”, the girl grunted, but as Tommy began to lift her off the ground, Shauna howled right in his ear.

  “Put me down! Tommy, please put me down! It hurts! Please, it hurts!”

  “I’m sorry, I can’t do that,” Tommy said, as he started jogging through the snow, following his mind’s eye back towards the cabin.

  “Please…”

  But Tommy ignored her as he felt his way back through the forest.

  Left…. now right… now right again… 

  Then finally, through the cold, blistering snow, he saw the outline of the cabin.

  “We’re here”, he said to Shauna, but all she did was whimper.

  “Do you want me to put you down now?”

  “Not yet. Not until we’re inside. I think… I think I’m…”

  Shauna let out another howl, right in his ear, and something finally clicked in Tommy’s brain as they stepped inside the cabin, right in front of the group.

  “Are you in labour?” He asked her, and he saw the girls’ reactions.

  “What?!”

  “Are you?”

  “She can’t be, she’s not even eight months along yet-”

  But Shauna’s only response was to howl yet again, far louder and longer than she had before, and Tommy knew things were about to get worse.

  Much, much worse.

  000000000000000000000000

  Things dissolved into chaos faster than Natalie could blink, as everyone scrambled to prepare Shauna for the birth.

  Tommy laid Shauna down on the floor, while Taissa and Akilah started to remove her boots and trousers.

  Natalie and Travis quickly ran into Coach Scott’s room, bringing the bed out of it into the main room, as Natalie saw Akilah slide Shauna’s underwear off of her while Taissa placed a blanket over her legs. Tommy knelt down and gently scooped Shauna up again, laying her down on the bed as Misty stepped forward.

  “Misty, what do we do?” Taissa asked.

  But the Yellowjackets’ equipment manager looked like a deer caught in headlights, as Shauna screamed.

  “Oh, my God! Please, someone just get it out of me!”

  “Um…” Misty stammered. “Uh…”

  Oh, God, Natalie realised. She doesn’t have a clue, does she?

  How could she? Misty wasn’t a midwife. None of them were.

  Natalie could only vaguely recall the childbirth portion of their Health Education class, in which Coach Scott, of all people, had acted as a substitute teacher.

  Natalie had done her best to avoid gazing at the grotesque images playing on the video screen, but she very clearly remembered Misty sitting in the front row of the class, asking question after question about the birthing process.

  Bet you didn’t think you’d actually end up here, Natalie thought, as Misty leaned down in front of Shauna. The minutes ticked by, and then became half an hour, but as Shauna continued to moan like an animal in pain, all Misty did was crouch at the foot of the bed, not saying a word.

   Then Natalie remembered Crystal, and felt her heart sink. It had been a miracle in itself that Tommy and her had found Shauna and Tai, but sadly, she doubted that Crystal had been as lucky, as the storm continued to rage outside.

  She’s probably frozen to death by now. No wonder Misty looks the way she does. 

  Natalie didn’t doubt that she would have been as unresponsive if it was Tommy who had been lost out there, but she found herself secretly urging Misty to snap out of the trance she looked like she was in.

  For fuck’s sake, get your shit together, Shauna needs you-

  “Why the fuck is this taking so long?” Shauna said, before she screamed again.

  “Should we, like, boil water?” Mari asked. “That’s a thing people do, right?”

  “Yeah, yeah, that’s a good idea. We need to keep things clean”, Akilah said, as Shauna screamed yet again.

  “Uh, these are contractions, right?” Natalie asked Misty, hoping to jolt the other girl back to reality. “Should we… be timing them, or something?”

  “Yeah, that last one was just over a minute”, Gen spoke up. “Is that long or short?”

  She was also talking to Misty, but all Gen got was a blank look in return.

  “Misty!” Gen yelled. “Should I be timing the in-between, or no?”

  “I-I don’t know, I just need to…”

  Misty trailed off, and resumed her blank stare.

  Fuck!

  “Okay”, Akilah said. “I think when they’re this regular and intense, she’s in labour labour and the baby is actually coming.”

  “Okay, so it should be over soon?” Taissa asked hopefully, as she held Shauna’s hand.

  “Maybe… but my sister’s labour was a day and a half”, Akilah mumbled.

  “No”, Shauna breathed. “No, I can’t take this for a day and a half, Tai, I can’t, I-”

  “Yes, you can, Shauna, you can fucking do anything.”

  “Of course you can do it”, Akilah backed Taissa up. “And we’re right here to help. Right, Misty? What do you need?”

  But Misty still looked frozen, as Lottie stood up and began to walk over.

  What is SHE gonna do? Natalie wondered, as Lottie took Shauna’s other hand.

  “Maybe, uh, we can… we can share our hopes with each other?” Lottie suggested.

  Jesus fucking-

  “Wilderness, I hope Shauna doesn’t die!” Mari called out.

  Natalie’s mouth dropped open.

  “Why the fuck- why would you say die?!” Taissa hissed at her, as Shauna began to panic, while Natalie felt Tommy’s hand on her shoulder, and she turned around to look at him, placing her hand on top of his.

  000000000000000000000000

  “Shauna, it’s gonna be okay”, Shauna heard Lottie say, as she placed her hand on Shauna’s head. “Just let your pain open you to this moment.”

  Taissa began to wrestle Lottie away from Shauna, and she closed her eyes.

  Idiots. They’re all FUCKING IDIOTS. How can they POSSIBLY believe Lottie knows what she’s doing?

  The Yellowjackets drifted away from Shauna to give her some space, save for Natalie, Misty and Taissa.

  Tommy, meanwhile, continued to stand behind Natalie, and Shauna wondered what he was thinking. Probably how much he didn’t want to be here.

  Well, suck it up, buttercup, Shauna thought, as another contraction began to hit. ‘Cause the way things are going with you and Nat, it’s only a matter of time before you end up watching HER go through this-

  “Um…” she heard Tommy say, as he bent down to Natalie. “Is it okay if I hold Shauna’s free hand? Give her something to grip on to?”

  “Yeah. Do it.”

  Huh? Shauna was dumbfounded.

  “Shauna, is that okay?” Tommy asked her, as he came around to her left side, holding his hand out.

  “Be careful what you wish for”, Shauna managed to choke out, gripping Tommy’s hand as hard as she could.

  000000000000000000000000

  Natalie saw Tommy grimace as he held on to Shauna’s hand, but he stayed silent, as Shauna screamed through another contraction.

  Natalie was relieved that he was trying to help. He probably didn’t have a clue how to help Shauna give birth, but at least he wasn’t standing idle.

  “Okay, Misty, you got this, you can do this”, she heard Misty whisper to herself, as she reached under Shauna’s blanket. “Hey, and you can do this too, Shauna, okay? Just keep breathing.”

  Hallelujah, Natalie thought. You finally got your head screwed back on-

  Then Misty drew her hands back, and Natalie saw there was blood on her fingers.

  “What’s happening?” Shauna asked. “Something feels weird.”

  But all Misty did was stare at the blood on her hands, and Natalie saw the blank look return to her eyes.

  Oh, for CRYING OUT LOUD.

  Taissa directed Shauna’s gaze away from Misty, but Natalie kept her eyes on the would-be midwife.

  Snap out of it. For FUCK’S SAKE, Misty, SNAP OUT OF IT-

  “I can’t do this”, Misty mumbled, as she stood up. “I can’t do this, I can’t do this. I’m sorry… I’m sorry.”

  Before any of them could blink, Misty bolted out of the room like a frightened rabbit.

  “Where the hell are you going?” Natalie asked, beginning to chase after her, before her eyes landed on Tommy’s brother.

  “Coach Sc- uh, Ben, we need your help. Come on.”

  “Are- are you sure?” He stammered.

  “Yes.” 

  “B-but, the thing is, I don’t know any-” he mumbled, trying to inch away.

  “Nononono”, Natalie said, pushing him as hard as she could towards Shauna.

  “Ben, come on”, Tommy said, as he held Shauna’s hand.

  “Oh. Oh, my god”, Coach Scott gasped out, looking at the bloody rags in front of Shauna.

  He was starting to inch back again, and Natalie struggled as she tried to hold him in front of her.

  “She needs help, Ben. So, help her”, Tommy said.

  But all Coach Scott did was inch back further, and gasp out the last words Natalie wanted to hear from him.

  “Shauna, I’m sorry.”

  “No”, Natalie cried, feeling the tears brewing in her eyes.

  “I don’t think I can help with this. I… I just pressed play on a video.” 

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake”, Tommy snarled. “Natalie, come here. I need you to take my place.”

  000000000000000000000000

  As Natalie swooped down beside Shauna, she saw Tommy look into her eyes, as he continued to hold her hand.

  “Shauna, listen to me”, he said to her. “I know you have every reason to hate me after what happened to Jackie. I don’t blame you for that. But I’m gonna try to help you now.”

  “W-what?”

  “I’m not gonna lie to you- I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. But I am gonna try to deliver your baby myself.”

  “You’re what?” Taissa hissed.

  Tommy didn’t look away from Shauna. “I can’t promise you I’ll be any good. But I can promise that I’m not gonna leave you, okay? None of us are going to leave you. You are gonna get through this. Alright?”

  Shauna didn’t know what to say, but another contraction started to hit, and she gripped Tommy’s hand.

  “Fuuuuuucckk”, she moaned, almost delirious with the pain. Whatever Tommy had done in the past… she knew that he would not leave her until her baby was born, and she used that to make it through the other side of the contraction.

  Her mind drifted back to the moment Tommy had appeared out of the snowstorm to carry her to the cabin. He had already rescued her once today. Why wouldn’t he be able to do it again?

  The idea of Tommy leaving her to deal with childbirth by herself sounded completely foreign to Shauna, and she made her decision.

  Fuck it.

  “Get it out of me”, she said to him through gritted teeth, and Tommy nodded, moving to the foot of the bed while Natalie took her hand.

  “It’s okay, Shauna. Women have been having babies for millions of years. You’re gonna be fine. Tommy’s got this.”

  Let’s hope so, Shauna thought, hardening her grip on Natalie’s hand.

  “Ow… Shauna, that’s a little tight.”

  “Get used to it”, Shauna snarled, as another contraction began to hit.

  000000000000000000000000

  Oh, dear Lord, Tommy thought, as he came face to face with the bloody mess between Shauna’s legs.

  He immediately realised he had underestimated how bad things would be, but as he looked into the big brown eyes of the frightened teenage girl on the bed, he forced himself to look confident.

  “Okay, Shauna… if you want this to end, what I need you to do is push. Hard. Harder than you’re ever pushed anything before.”

  “O… okay”, Shauna breathed, before throwing her head back and starting to groan with the effort.

  Tommy was vaguely aware of Travis walking behind him and placing something on the footstool in front of the fire.

  “We need offerings”, he heard Lottie say. “Travis? Spill blood.”

  For God’s sake, Tommy thought, as he saw Shauna craning her neck around him.

  “Don’t look at them, Shauna. Eyes on me, and only me. Now… push.”

  Shauna started to grunt again, and Tommy saw Natalie look behind him at whatever the others were doing.

  “You don’t wanna know”, she whispered to him, and Tommy nodded.

  He looked back between Shauna’s legs, and saw… something… emerging from them.

  “Uh… Natty, Tai, could you come down here for a second?”

  The girls quickly joined him, and he saw their faces twist in confusion.

  “Wha… is that the head?” Taissa asked. “It’s so… purple.”

  The thing coming out of Shauna was purple, all right, but Tommy didn’t think it was the head of Shauna’s child.

  “I think it’s the placenta”, Natalie whispered.

  “Placenta?” Taissa hissed. “Isn’t that supposed to come after?”

  Oh, Jesus Christ, Tommy thought.

  “What’s going on?” Shauna asked them, her face drenched in sweat. “Do I keep pushing?”

  “Uh…” Tommy stammered, before remembering he was supposed to look confident.

  “Yes, keep pushing, Shauna. I think we’re at the beginning of the end, okay? Just… keep pushing, alright?”

  Tommy reached in, and removed the placenta from Shauna.

  “I need a bucket”, he called out behind him, and as Akilah brought him one, Tommy dropped the placenta in.

  There was still no sign of the baby’s head or feet emerging, and Tommy began to fear the worst.

  “Push, Shauna. Push.”

  “I’m trying”, Shauna cried out, tears running down her face.

  000000000000000000000000

  “We hear the wilderness and it hears us”, Lottie and her minions chanted by the fire. “We hear the wilderness and it hears us.”

  Idiots, Natalie thought, as she held Shauna’s hand.

  Shauna looked bad. Really bad. She was grey in the face, and so exhausted she wasn’t even lifting her head anymore.

  “Shauna, please push”, Natalie said to her.

  Shauna continued to groan, as Taissa began looking at the ceiling.

  “We hear the wilderness and it hears us”, she whispered.

  For FUCK’S SAKE, Natalie thought.

  She looked at Tommy, and as his eyes flicked to hers, she knew he was thinking the same as her.

  Are we the only sane ones left? Somehow, the thought was terrifying to Natalie.

  “Okay, good, Shauna!” Tommy exclaimed. “I can see the head, it’s almost over!”

  “Thank God”, Natalie breathed.

  “One more push!” Tommy said. “Come on, you can do it!”

  Shauna leaned her head back, and screamed, long and loud, before she fell back onto the bed, her eyes rolling into her head before they shut.

  Had she passed out? Natalie bent her head to check, but was interrupted by Tommy’s voice.

  “Natalie…”

  She looked over, and saw a grim look on his face.

  “I need a knife. Now.”

  000000000000000000000000

  Tommy had never been anywhere near a childbirth before, but as Shauna’s son finally emerged from her, Tommy knew something was wrong when he realised it wasn’t crying. Wasn’t that what babies were supposed to do when they were born?

  As he cradled the blood-soaked infant, Tommy saw it wasn’t breathing, and he knew- instantly- what he had to do. It was a long shot, but… he had to try. For Shauna’s sake, he had to try.

  As Natalie brought him the knife, he heard her gasp.

  “Is… is it…”

  “Knife. Now”, Tommy said, as he held his hand out and Natalie gave it to him.

  Quickly slicing the umbilical cord, Tommy walked past the chanting group.

  “Wait, what-”

  “Tommy, wha-”

  “Is the baby okay-”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Do me a favour and shut the fuck up”, Tommy snapped at them, as he headed towards the dining table.

  “Natalie, I need a blanket”, he called out, and Natalie brought him one, laying it down on the table while Tommy lay Shauna’s son on top of it.

  “Okay, I’m gonna try CPR. I don’t know if it will work, but…” he trailed off.

  “Okay”, Natalie whispered.

  Tommy began to think back to his lifeguarding lessons. With a child or adult, you used your full hands, but with an infant…

  Two fingers. Yes, that’s it.

  Tommy placed two fingers directly over the newborn’s heart, and began lightly pressing up and down.

  “You’re doing it wrong. You need to press harder.”

  000000000000000000000000

  Natalie looked around, shocked to see Misty standing there.

  “Are you back with the human race, now?” She asked.

  Misty gave no sign that she had heard her.

  “Press harder, Tommy.”

  “Okay”, Tommy said, pressing down harder on the infant’s chest, before placing his mouth over the newborn’s and breathing in to it.

  As he did so, Natalie saw the baby’s chest rise and fall.

  “Is it working?” She asked.

  “I don’t know”, Misty whispered. “It’s a stillbirth. It might have been dead for weeks already.”

  Oh, God. Natalie closed her eyes. Poor Shauna.

  Then she suddenly remembered Shauna had passed out, and rushed back towards the bed.

  Shauna was still breathing, to Natalie’s relief, but she still looked grey in the face, and there was… there was so much blood around her.

  “Is she…”

  “I don’t know”, Taissa said tearfully, mopping Shauna’s head with a damp cloth.

  Natalie stared at the unconscious girl, wondering what on earth they were going to say to her when she woke up.

  As the seconds became minutes, Tommy still did not emerge from the dining room, and Natalie didn’t have the heart to go back in there. She did not want to look at Shauna’s stillborn baby anymore. Who would?

  Lottie and the others were all standing around, uncertain looks on their faces, and Natalie resisted the urge to scream at them. It wasn’t fair. After all they had been through, out here… it just wasn’t fair. 

  So, you thought standing around chanting to the wilderness was going to help, huh? You fucking MORONS. You ABSOLUTE, BONEHEADED, BRAINDEAD-

  Then Natalie’s thoughts were cut off as she heard a cry, and she felt the happy tears begin to streak down her face as Tommy came back into the room, cradling Shauna’s squalling, struggling, beautifully living son.

  000000000000000000000000

  Shauna screamed as she woke.

  “What happened?! What happened, where is my baby, where is he, where is he-”

  “Shauna”, Taissa grabbed at her flailing arms. “It’s okay, he’s okay, he-”

  “Where is he?!” Shauna screeched, as sound started to come back to her ears, and she realised she could hear… was that crying?

  Oh, my God, she thought, as she looked over to see Tommy holding what could only be-

  “It’s a boy, Shauna”, he grinned, and she could see the tears running down his face.

  Shauna held her arms out, and felt her own tears come as Tommy handed her son to her.

  “Hi”, she said to him, softly. “Hi.”

  Was that all she could say? She wasn’t sure. But as she stretched out her finger, and felt her baby boy’s own tiny digits close around it, she started to laugh.

  He was okay. He had made it… they were going to be okay.

  000000000000000000000000

  Tommy stumbled back, feeling faint with relief.

  Then he felt someone take his hand, and he knew it was Natalie as he turned to hug her.

  “I’m so proud of you”, she whispered.

  “Likewise”, Tommy said to her, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

  Natalie brought his head down to press a proper kiss to his lips, and Tommy enthusiastically responded, not giving a damn what the others might think.

  The moment when Shauna’s son had started to breathe on his own had been, without a doubt, the happiest of Tommy’s life. Still, he couldn’t believe the CPR had worked.

  Natalie took him away from the bedside to wipe his blood-stained hands with a wet cloth, and Tommy stood there in a daze as she cleaned him up.

  “Thank God, huh?” he said, looking at Shauna.

  “I think Shauna would rather thank you. I know I would”, Natalie replied.

  “Thank the wilderness”, he heard Lottie say as she looked at Shauna, and Tommy saw Natalie’s face darken as she stepped towards Lottie.

  000000000000000000000000

  “Oh, no, no, no, no, NO”, Natalie snarled at Lottie.

  “What?”

  “That was Tommy. Not the wilderness. Tommy. The baby was dead when he came out of Shauna-”

  “Wait, what?” Shauna asked.

  “And if Tommy hadn’t done what he’d done”, Natalie went on. “The baby would still be dead.”

  She glared at the rest of them. “You think the wilderness had anything to do with this? You think the wilderness had anything to do with the moose the other day? You think the wilderness is the reason any of us are still alive? Fuck you. We would all be dead by now if Tommy wasn’t here, and it is long past time you acknowledged that.”

  The group looked around, and Natalie saw them shuffle awkwardly on their feet.

  “Not gonna do it? Fine. But I know that you know it’s the truth.”

  “W-was my baby really dead?” Shauna whispered, looking in bewilderment at her son.

  “Yes”, Natalie said to her. “Tommy brought him back to life with CPR.”

  Shauna’s eyes began to fill up with tears. “Thank you”, she whispered, looking at Tommy.

  “It’s okay”, Tommy said. He looked tired, and Natalie suddenly realised she was as well. After struggling through a snowstorm not once, but twice that day, then helping Shauna with the birth of her child, Natalie was drained.

  She held her hand out to Tommy, and he took it as they headed to the pantry, where they slowly dressed in their pyjamas before settling down into bed.

  “I meant every word I said, you know”, she murmured, burying her head in Tommy’s chest. “I’m not gonna apologise for it.”

  “I know. And I love you for that.”

  “I love you too”, Natalie whispered, as they began to drift off to sleep.

  000000000000000000000000

  Van didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know what to think, anymore. There had been too many occurrences where Lottie’s connection to the wilderness had paid off, and Van had been overjoyed when the meditation sessions Lottie was teaching apparently, finally stopped Taissa from sleepwalking.

  Van had asked Taissa how she had known where Javi had been, but Taissa had insisted over and over again that she didn’t know, that she had woken up in the middle of the woods the other night only to find herself face-to-face with Javi, who she hadn’t seen since the doomcoming, same as everyone else.

  But today… and the other day, with the moose… Van flinched. Every word Natalie had said to them was true. Van could understand her anger- it was because of Tommy that they had anything to eat at all, and he had nearly died getting the moose out of the ice. And then he had almost died again this morning, heading out into the snowstorm with Natalie at his own risk to bring Tai and Shauna back to the cabin.

  And as she gazed at Shauna, happily cooing over her son, Van knew things would have gone very differently during the birth if Tommy had not stepped in. Time and time again, he had rejected what Lottie was preaching, acting in defiance of the wilderness, and yet he had won today, there was no denying that.

  It was only a matter of time before the tinderbox that was Tommy and Lottie’s relationship exploded… and Van didn’t know whose side she would be on when it did.

  000000000000000000000000

  Taking care of a baby? Easier said than done.

  As the day progressed, Shauna’s son wouldn’t stop crying, so she stayed in the bedroom, trying to calm him down. She tried to breastfeed him, but her milk wasn’t coming, so as the bed was moved back into the room, Coach Scott mumbled that Shauna was welcome to stay there if she wished.

  She was grateful for the offer, but that didn’t mean she had forgiven the older man yet. The memory of him refusing to help her was still fresh in Shauna’s mind, and it only made the subsequent memory of Tommy stepping in and taking over even more impressive to her.

  She admired Tommy’s humbleness at him admitting he had no idea what he was doing, she respected the strength he had shown in coming to rescue her in the storm, then delivering her baby despite his lack of experience… and she was so, so grateful to him for bringing her stillborn son back to life.

  I wish I had gotten to know him better, back home. If I had… there is no way I would have let Natalie anywhere near him. 

  She gazed down at her fussing baby. “Maybe then he would be your daddy, huh?”

  We could have been so happy if he was. God, if he was… I would never complain. I would never take him for granted. Why? Why couldn’t I have paid more attention to Tommy back home? Why did I have to go chasing after Jeff- 

  Her baby began to cry even louder, and Shauna realised she was squeezing him.

  “Oh, God! Oh God, I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, baby, I’m sorry!”

  But all her son did was cry, and Shauna began to cry with him.

  “I’m sorry”, she said again. “Please… just… please.”

  She tried to nurse him again, but to her despair, it still didn’t work.

  By the next morning, Shauna had spent a largely sleepless night trying to calm her crying son, and was absolutely exhausted.

  As she entered the main room, holding him as he cried, she sat down next to Natalie, who was cutting up one of the leftover animal skins.

  Shauna tried to nurse her baby again, but he didn’t latch on to her nipple.

  “Come on. Come on, please try. Maybe you’re just not sucking hard enough.”

  “You’ve been starving”, Natalie said to her. “Maybe your body just can’t…”

  “No, I’m… I’m going to. I have to.”

  But it didn’t work, and Shauna soon retreated to the bedroom, trying desperately to stop her baby from crying.

  “I’m sorry”, she said. “I know you’re hungry, I’m trying to feed you, but…”

  She tried in vain to nurse him again, but it still didn’t work.

  Shauna felt like screaming. She was terrible at this. How could she possibly think she would be a good mother? She hadn’t even wanted him when she had found out she was pregnant…

  As the memory of not wanting her son filtered through her head, Shauna felt sick to her stomach.

  How? How could I have not wanted him? 

  Though he was crying, though he had gone all red in his little scrunched-up face, Shauna thought her baby boy was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.

  “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t think I wanted you”, she whispered to him. “I guess you probably knew that. But it was all really complicated.”

  She sniffled, trying not to cry again. “I’ll tell you all about it someday. Maybe you’ll understand. Maybe you won’t. The point is, I… I was wrong.”

  Shauna blinked the tears out of her eyes. “And I love you so, so much. And I can’t wait to see… who you become, where you go, what you’ll do.”

  She hesitated, then decided she would try to feed him again. “But it all depends on this. On us. Figuring this out. It’s you and me, kid. It’s you and me against the whole world. So please, just… please.”

  Shauna brought her breast out of her shirt, and put her son’s head near her nipple.

  “Come on”, she whispered, as the tears finally started to fall down her cheeks. “Come on, please. Come on.”

  Her vision blurred with her tears, and she blinked them out of her eyes again… only to see her baby finally latching on to her nipple, his cheeks moving as he drank from it.

  “Oh, my God. Oh, my God!” She whispered. “Oh, my God, yes, yes, yes!”

  Shauna felt the tension of the last day finally disappear, as she at last began to properly nurse her son.

  “Yes, that’s it. Drink up, drink up. Drink up. Yes. I love you so much. Yes.”

  The door to the room opened, and Natalie stepped in.

  “You okay? Brought you some more tea.”

  She set the cup down on the windowsill, before looking down at Shauna.

  “Wait, is he…”

  Shauna nodded happily. 

  “Wow. What a miracle. I’m gonna go tell the others-”

  “Uh, no, no, not yet. I kind of just want to have this moment for myself.”

  “Yeah. But…”

  Shauna looked pleadingly at Natalie, and she saw the other girl relent.

  “Okay”, Natalie said, as she turned to go.

  “Wait”, Shauna called out.

  “Yeah?”

  “I know you already said it, but… could you tell me one more time? What happened yesterday, when I passed out?”

  “Uh…” Natalie hesitated. “Tommy realised your baby wasn’t breathing, so he cut the umbilical cord as fast as he could and brought him to the dining table. He did CPR for, um… I’m sure it wasn’t more than a few minutes, but… it felt like longer. Know how that happens, sometimes?”

  Shauna nodded.

  “Could you… could you tell him to come in here?” She asked. “I wanna talk to him.”

  “Sure. I’ll go get him.”

  000000000000000000000000

  The storm which had sprung up yesterday had dissipated, thank God. It was getting late in the day, so they wouldn’t be hunting, but Tommy figured they could make a good start on it tomorrow.

  He would ask Mari to come along. He had been serious about training her up, but as he began walking over to Mari to ask her, Natalie called out for him.

  “Shauna wants to see you.”

  “Okay.” Tommy nervously set off towards the bedroom. He wondered what Shauna was going to say. No matter what he had done for her yesterday… it didn’t change the fact that he had killed her best friend.

  Though he hadn’t even told Natalie this, Tommy still saw Jackie’s final moments in his dreams sometimes. The knife pushing between her ribcage, her final exhale of breath, the light going out of her eyes.

  Even her last words. No, especially her last words. Please, Tommy. Please. 

  Tommy slowly pushed the bedroom door open, hoping Shauna wasn’t going to ask him about all of that.

  “Hi”, she smiled at him, and Tommy noticed she had finally managed to successfully nurse her son.

  “Oh, thank God. I was getting pretty worried, to be honest.”

  “Yeah, me too. Listen…”

  Shauna took a breath. “I wanted to thank you. Properly. Not just for what you did yesterday, but… for keeping us alive. All of us. Natalie was right- we would all be dead by now if it wasn’t for you.”

  “Thanks, but… I think you guys would have been okay.”

  Shauna gave him a look.

  “Well”, Tommy shrugged. “Who can say for sure?”

  “I can. I can say my baby would be dead for sure if you hadn’t stepped in.”

  “I’m… I’m just happy to help. And Shauna, I…”

  Tommy paused, and felt a lump in his throat. “I am so, so sorry.”

  Shauna winced, and Tommy knew she had already figured out what he was going to say. “It’s alright, you don’t have to…”

  “No, I want to. I should’ve… I should’ve done this a long time ago.”

  He knelt in front of her. “I’m so sorry about Jackie. I… I didn’t want to kill her. I didn’t, but… I didn’t know what else to do.” 

  Shauna bowed her head, and Tommy saw a tear fall down her cheek. “I’m sorry too. For calling you a murderer. You’re not, I know that, but… I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay”, Tommy said, swiping at his eyes. “So, uh…” he cleared his throat. “Have you decided on a name, yet?”

  “Actually, yes… I want to call him Jeremy. I’ve always liked it, I think it would suit him.”

  “Jeremy Shipman. Huh. Not a bad ring to it.”

  “Jeremy Sadecki, I’m afraid. But… that won’t be his full name.”

  “Oh, yeah. What will his middle name be? Jeffrey?”

  Shauna smiled shyly. “Well, if you’re okay with it… I’d like it to be Thomas. After you. To properly thank you for what you did.”

  The lump in Tommy’s throat got bigger. “Oh”, he croaked. “Um… I’d be honoured.”

  Shauna’s smile got wider, and as she presented her baby to Tommy, he finally got a proper look at Jeremy Thomas Sadecki, who stared up at him curiously.

  “Hey, kiddo”, Tommy whispered. “Nice to meet you.”

  000000000000000000000000

  Lottie didn’t know what to do. Once again, Tommy had defied the wilderness, had defied her… and once again, he had been the one to come out on top.

  He stood against the wilderness and won. I don’t… I don’t understand…

  It had been the wish of the wilderness to bring the storm yesterday, which Tommy had survived, not once, but twice.

  And then, not only had he not joined in their meditations, or their prayers during the birth of Shauna’s son, he had walked straight past them and brought the stillborn baby back to life, using what he had learned back in Wiskayok, not out here.

  He thinks he doesn’t need the wilderness on his side, Lottie was horrified to realise. He thinks he doesn’t need it at all. 

  How could he be so foolish? If this is what he believes… how long before he convinces the others that they don’t need it either? He already has Natalie on his side. Probably Shauna as well, after this. Who will be next? Van? Taissa? 

  No. Tommy Scott could not be allowed to turn the others against her. She would have to stop him… one way or another.

  But how? Lottie wasn’t sure.

  I will have to wait. I have no choice. I will play the part of the defeated, demoralised loser… then strike. 

  It will save us all, in the end. Tommy will come to see that, in time. He’ll HAVE to.

  Because if he doesn’t… this will end in blood. The wilderness will not accept anything less.

[rightpastnowhere]

TLOVM season 3 episode 3 thoughts from someone who's slowly losing her mind

PART ONE: campaign vex and perc'ahlia VS tlovm vex and perc'ahlia

(yeah. yeah it's part one. i have so many thoughts gang)

SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT

okay. so. i feel like i've made it clear how much i ADORE the perc'ahlia relationship timeline in campaign 1. and it remains to this day one of my absolute favorites, and i was very afraid of it being changed in tlovm. BUT. i'm actually kind of fucking obsessed with these changes.

because, really, campaign!vex and tlovm!vex are two entirely separate characters. they're still the same vex at their core, but the changes to the narrative in tlovm have changed the show version of vex in ways that i think are perfectly suited to the "i'm going to turn this into a fling even though we're both fooling ourselves" plotline. tlovm!vex seems overall more committed to the facade she puts out. she's a bit colder in the beginning, and has slowly thawed over the past two seasons, but not in the same way campaign!vex has by this point in the c1 plot, and like. on the one hand, it might just be a personality shift for the adaptation! something to make more clear-cut character archetypes. on the other hand, i keep remembering that vox machina haven't been a party for as long in tlovm. she's still questioning whether or not to stay with the party in season one. she doesn't have as strong of a foundation with these people, less trust and less comfort. she's got so many more walls built up.

and that, of course, includes her relationship with percy. campaign!perc'ahlia, in my eyes, is a friends to lovers slowburn. it's been mentioned that they hit it off well from the beginning, and while they both were attracted to each other to some degree, they both dismissed it as a bad idea and moved on. over the year of in-game time they spent together (maybe more? i get confused with the timeline) before we even see them on screen, they build up a steady and solid friendship. one filled with flirting and teasing, but still a friendship. and it's clear that they both value this connection they have, especially in the briarwood arc, with the mask and all of that loveliness. and sure, some of that could be read as romantic, but it's love all the same. vex loved percy before she was in love with him, and that dynamic is one she's terrified to lose! "wouldn't it be so awkward, though?" she says, as if she's already decided that all that confessing would do would be adding tension, that there's no chance of reciprocity.

in tlovm, though? it's barely been any time at all. she's fallen in love with percy in the same time it's taken to really be his friend, to find that she can trust him and rely on him. the weight of their history isn't nearly as bulky, here. sure, she won't dare risk any revelations of her feelings or any attempts at a serious relationship, but sex doesn't have to mean anything. if it makes things awkward then, well, they're still settling into their dynamic as friends anyway - things can be shuffled around and fall into different places. there's nothing solid yet to risk, if that makes sense. they're still building a foundation, she can build around the cracks.

and another significant point of divergence: syldor. i have a lot of thoughts on the feywild arc and the changes made, but i'm going to disregard all of that now because they're, same as vex, basically different characters. to put it simply: tlovm!syldor is harsh and gives bad attention, whereas campaign!syldor is neglectful and doesn't give enough attention. as a result, we see that tlovm!vex seeks out good attention, whereas campaign!vex avoids getting close enough to anyone for them to pull the rug out from underneath her. tlovm!vex initiates a fling, a dynamic of gratification and positive attention without emotional weight, because actually being in a relationship can result in that trust being used against you. she trusted in her father, and he used being her father as a way to beat her down. campaign!vex doesn't even try to initiate anything, because she fears the silence, the lack of reciprocity and care, the fear of being turned down. she tried to build a connection with her father, and was met with silence and quiet disapproval and barely even a second glance. i don't know if this makes any sense, and i'm bad at words, but these feel like different fears of rejection to me? and yet they're both fears of rejection, something that is at the core of vex's actions and personality in both adaptations.

two different stories of a person driven by fear, and i love them for their differences!! they both feel more fitting for their versions of canon!!! and both make me insane!!!!!!!!