#tw unalive thoughts

[brainrot-stitch]

Thinking of simpler times.. (rant/vent ig)

It's nice just to like

Be able to lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling and hear the crickets outside and no electronic noises. It reminds me of the 2 hurricanes that happened a few yrs back, and like I know it's fucked up to think about because it was horrible, but at the same time it was nice in a way idk how to describe well. It was miserable and hot but I was with family and didn't have to worry or stress about people or grades.. we just kinda existed for a while. I don't want more hurricanes to happen, that would be crazy, but I miss what came after.

Idk I think I've just been getting worked up over a lot of stuff recently and ik other people have it like so so much worse so I don't rlly like to complain abt it, especially in the gc, but nights like these where it's dark and quiet and calm just really get to me I guess. Nights where I can just think about everything and cry before I have to wake up the next day and repeat everything over and over and over. Every day is so bland and numb with sudden spikes of panic mixed in and at the end of the day I barely remember it. I don't remember so so much of my life that I think I should, and I don't know why I just forget. Weather something good or something bad happens I know it will eventually be faded and forgotten just as I will one day.

I'm not really big on being remembered, I've come to accept the fact of mortality and there will be a day where we will each be thought of for the last time and that is when we're truly gone. But for the short amount of time I am remembered, I don't want to be remembered like this. Like who I am and what I do and how I act right now. I don't know what I want to be remembered like, but it's not this.

There's so many issues that seem like the end of the world, that feel inescapable, and I know they're not. I feel like I'm either just being dramatic or gaslighting myself into believing they're bigger issues than they already are. Anything could send me into a spiral that night, from the smallest issue to the biggest one. Even if not, they still have an effect on my day to day life and I don't know how to fix it. And other people are always either confused or upset but they don't understand, and I don't know how to help them understand.

It's hard to care about my grades when there is literally no point and all I do is rot all day. Even if I did care I'm not smart enough to get a college tuition, and we definitely can't pay for it ourselves. They say it's gonna leave a permanent mark that people will see on my resume, but there is a good likelihood I won't make it past adulthood with the way things are going, so why should that matter. Plus it's so so hard to focus. Even if I try I get distracted or start daydreaming or The Thoughts come back. And people will say "oh just pay attention" or "just don't daydream duh" and I cant. Like I physically cannot I am unable to do so. Plus the daydreams happen at random half the time and then I'm not in school anymore I'm in another world and everything's either going really well with things I wish would happen irl or everything is going absolutely horribly and u can't stop it. They're like "just do your work it's not that hard" I hear what you're saying but you're not hearing me bro. I can't 'just do it' and nobody seems to understand that except specific strangers on the internet.

There's other issues too but I am too scared to share them on tumblr rn and I know this may seem kinda dumb but if I live on this will affect me for life but it's so so numb and I'm so SO tired allll the time and sleep never helps at all and I literally just rot all day...

Literally the only reason I take care of myself at this point is so people don't judge me and idk if that's normal or not but I'm assuming it's not.. like if I have to go somewhere ill take a shower and brush my teeth and wash my face and put on perfume n shit but if not I will have a 'self care day' but idk if it's self care if the only thing I do is rot in bed all day and only get up to go to the bathroom or (sometimes) get food/water. I sleep so much and the days all blur together and it's so so so soo bad in summer. I think I have like reverse seasonal depression bc like when it's cold and dark and raining I THRIVE like never before (even if the constant tired doesn't go away, even if everything still sucks and I still hate the people I care about the most) it's just so nice. But in summer when it's hot and miserable and humid and my ac doesn't work and you can feel the mosquitos it is such a fucking low for me idk how to even describe it. When when we get the 2 months off for summer break it's so bad bro I think that's one of my lowest points excluding being in school when it's hot. If I didn't have church I know I would go those 2 months and not take care of myself at all and ik it sounds gross and it is and I hate it but why even try if I just fucking rot on my bed like a useless ass beached whale.

The crickets are gone

I miss them 💔

I don't get why it's so hard to sleep when I'm so so fucking tired or why I rot all day or why I'm so fucking angry and irritable all the time for no reason and it sucks ass tbh. And idk why I can't fucking do things like normal people can or why I think differently or why my thoughts are so fucked up and I disappoint the people I love. I don't really wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna be here much longer, but I know I have to because if I do it it'll break them in ways they will never be able to fix, and I don't wanna be that selfish. I want to help people, I want to be confident, and I wanna make people smile. I want to be able to ignore the daydreams, to block out the characters in my head and The Thoughts that I hate so much, and I wanna stop doing shit like this when I don't deserve it.

But sometimes all you can do is find a cold, dark, and quiet place, and think for a while.

Sorry for the long post gang, see yall with a silly goofy post another day <3

[honeypleasejustkillme]

a toxic part of me hopes everyone who has neglected me will feel guilty after i unalive

[cleosmasterpiece]

my biggest fear is that I’ll give up right before it gets better

[conqueringnight]

Dying seems like a good option right now...

[happysongturtle]

Not being alone but still feeling lonely is a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[steeviesvent]

The scariest part of suicide for me isn’t dying, it’s everything that comes after I wake up.

[weighted-hearts]

When people think I’m okay because I stopped self harming and recovered physically from my eating disorder. I’m actually not at all okay and very suicidal. I’m just not using those coping skills atm. My brain is still just as messed up.

[the-entity-down-the-street]

I want to talk about suicide. Wish we could have more open discussion of suicidal ideation without getting shut down by goddamn search engines going "are sure you're okay??? Here's the suicide hotline!! Also we won't show you anything related to this search because it's triggering and might encourage you to self-harm!!"

Like no bitch I'm not trying to die, I'm trying to open a dialogue about suicide rates in the trans and autistic community you stupid fucking algorithm.

There's a societal squeamishness around suicide that definitely plays into why it's treated like this. Social media censors it, forcing sanitized language like "unalive yourself" because it's more ad-friendly.

Of course, hiding it doesn't discourage folks from attempting. All it does is add more stigma around suicidal thoughts, and that keeps people isolated.

There's also not enough discussion about what happens when you *recover* from suicidal ideation, and have to live with the lingering scars (psychological and physical) of it. Like, when we talk about recovery, it's always about how much better things are, how you get your life back, etc. And yes, that's important, but like most things, recovery is more nuanced as that. For me it feels like being haunted by my own ghost. It's eerie, and sad, and I'm angry about the childhood I lost to abuse and depression. It's a whole second phase of suicide recovery that I never see conversation about. Not to mention that my idea of "a future" getting stretched out by a few decades is disorienting.

We deserve to be able to talk about all this. Sorry a good chunk of my life experience isn't monetizable, or ad-friendly, or suitable for all ages. It's still worth talking about.

[endlessmidnights]

It’s one of those times that I just want to unalive myself

[toomuchtoolil]

The only thing that stops my tears anymore is thinking of howd I’d do it.

I’d take my sleeping pills, benzo’s, and muscle relaxers. I’d lay in bed thanking the good lord for the good and love I had in my life. Id close my eyes and feel warm underneath my sheets and weighted blanket.

Id feel at peace I think, knowing that this will be the last time I close my eyes and fall asleep.

I’m scared I’ll actually do it.

[marco--the--phoenix]

I deleted my old vent blog. But I gotta gwt this out.

Tw: depression - eating disorder- personal - mental health - suicide - financial issues - chronic illness

For 5 years we have lived on bare minimum. Sometimes we can do the odd nice thing here or there but it'll drain us.

Every month is a making ends meet kinda month and sometimes we go without very often.

One meal a day, I go without phone service or unable to leave the house.

It's not even our fault. Wife works full time, I can't work due to both mental and physical health.

I am so unbelievablely grateful to friends who help us out when there's a struggle but I feel so bad every time.

I'm almost 40 and I don't have the means to look after myself. I'm not the worst off person in the world but I'm fucming struggling.

I had an ED that almost killed me many years ago and it permanently crashed my body. I have a dangerous autoimmune disease that's almost killed me once already.

It's agony, my joints lock up, I've been paralysed in pain by arthritis brought on by it. My skin hurts and aches and burns all the time.

I can barely move. I ooze and feel gross and stick to things and feel ugly and gross and vile

My mental health is bad despite being medicated. My adhd is wild and the two have caused me to loose all momentum in myife. I was once in control and on top of everything and now I'm drowning.

I try not to vent to people. So used to being punished for venting rhat I'm terrified if people saw the real deph of what I'm feeling I'd loose them.

I'm sick of money lasting a second. We do like ONE nice thing a month together and even then it's far from wild or much money. We treat ourselves to a little something but like.. a £5 sketch from a friend or a third store shirt for £7 but cus we are so broke all the time and need help it feels shitty to do.

It's bad, all the time.

This month I already have £70 left to live and I've not paid for my phone yet. That 70 I'd for food, travel, anything.

We had to use money we saved for my birthday in March and their upcoming birthday just to make it to the end of every month.

We don't have family or a support network where we live.

I know staying at home doesn't seem like a big deal but reason I made a habit of going with wife to their place of work was because of me not being safe.

We've both worked hard, really hard to start out stores and try sell but it's very disheartening that despite all the effort and hard work no ones biting.

I'm so scared of being a burden to people that I clam up. I've pulled away so much from people already that I'm worried I'm not good enough any more for them.

It's all jealous icky arlf doubting feelings drowning me but I'm tired.

I started chemotherapy again for my illness but had to come off for antibiotics for an ear infection.

Chemotherapy makes me feel sick, tired, awful and without it my body attacks itself.

We are trying to go on a trip this June. Just to another city and we put money we couldn't afford towards it but I for one need a break, need something nice to look forward to, something to keep me fucking going.

I don't want to die, I just want life to be better but I've been strong all my life and I'm so weak these days cus I can't find mental or psychical strength.

I try hard to be there for others, be a good person, look on the bright side but I'm so so fucking exhausted.

I've waited years after year for things to get better. I'm not a negative person I've just been beat over the head so many times.

I'm finally letting myself cry and crumble but I'm close to breaking.

I wish I didn't feel guilty or selfish or bad for having these feelings but I do and I implode.

I just wish it was all easier.

I hope people who read this don't change their view on me or ditch me. I'm so tired and scared and hurting.

I also didn't make this post to beg for money but if there is anyone out there who could just help a little it really does help.

My P @ y p@l is corazon_x_law@yahoo.co.uk (op people it's not a ship. This was back when x didn't mean a ship dhdhdbdhd)

Or my kofi is https://ko-fi.com/cyborgfranky

It's 5am and I sat crying on the toilet like a loser.

I feel better for screaming here but.. damn.

[floralembarrassment]

Mind & Heart (1/1) (jegulus)

(TW: conversation and thoughts of unaliving | EDesque - please handle yourselves and the content with care my loves - but happy ending with coping and comfort)

"What's wrong? Where did you go?" James asked, coming into the living room. Regulus was sitting with his back straight, staring blankly at the wall.

"Oh nothing. I just need to eat I think..." Regulus waved him off. He knew this was true. His mood always dipped if he hasn't eaten, but mostly only truly notices he is past hunger when his thoughts turn dark.

"Regulus I can see you holding back tears. What is wrong?" James said softly but challenging. Regulus moved his hand to his face, his eyes were threatening to spill over. When did that happen, he thought to himself.

Regulus took a deep breath, and then met James' eyes: "Well, I had a thought about dying and that spiralled, hard, but it's only because I haven't eaten since this morning" Regulus began slow but the explanation at the end was hasty.

"Reg..." James whispered, his lips turning down.

"No for real James it's okay. When I think about my life this is truly the happiest I've ever been and I have so many things I'm looking forward too. Just it was my mothers birthday this weekend and while I know that really doesn't mean anything to anyone else and she was a terrible woman, she was still my mother you know? So the weekend was hard and then today I was just so busy that I didn't get a chance to have a lunch and here we are." As he was reflecting, trying to ensure James wouldn't misunderstand he spoke the situation mostly clearly for the first time that day.

James perceived him for a moment. "Do you want to talk about you mother because we can Reg," James offered. Regulus shook his head and replied with a soft "no." Titling his head James narrowed eyes, almost unconvinced, but there was no masking in Regulus' voice or face. "Are you sure?" He asked tentatively, covering his bases.

"Yes I promise." Regulus said. He went to get up but was too exhausted to move really. James took a few steps forward and kissed him on the head, settling him back down in the couch. "How about I go pick up some take away? And then we can just relax on the couch and there's no dishes, and then you can have a nice shower if you're up for it and we can go to bed early?" James suggested.

Regulus started to protest about not wanting James to spend money or that he was perfectly capable of making dinner for himself, but James wasn't having it. "Love, I'd really just like some burgers honestly and by the time I'm back you'll have only just been ready to get off the couch," he kissed Regulus on the cheek and pulled a knit blanket over his legs. "You stay and I'll be back so fast."

"Thank you," Regulus said softly.

"I love you," is what James said back as he took one last look at Regulus and then headed out the door.

[cleosmasterpiece]

It’s a constant war between wanting to die and wanting to live

[libbierose86]

My brain is fucked, I just want to be able to talk shit out but no one really cares or just feel like a burden. I am burden just in general, I’m a waste of the air I breathe. I’m in constant state of depression at the moment and no one wants to be around that.

In the world of papa roach

Would it be wrong?

Would it be right?

If I took my life tonight

Im pretty sure only one person would care, i’m also sorry if they see this. If they do see this i’m sorry if i seeming to not care lately i don’t know how to explain but my mind is numb and i want you to know i love spending time with you and care about you so god dam much.

[blaze-trash]

I'm struggling, because if you believe in reincarnation you believe you will be reborn into someone, or something, so what's the point on continuing on with this life when you're feeling like this when you could just restart

[slayingsadly]

i just don't want to be here anymore. my life has no meaning and nothing gives me real joy. I hate myself and others. I can't do anything about it and I have no one.