#Steph not here cuz she would SAY SO MUCH

[mikeluciraphgabe]

Part 18 masterpost

[ellieisbored3537]

I JUST FINISHED LIFE IS STRANGE TRUE COLORS AND OH MY GOD I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS

Tw: Life Is Strange true colors spoilers

Tw: Yap alert

First of all I started playing this a few months ago and I fell in love with the game. I finished the first 2 chapters but literally played the rest today because I was tired with school and stuff and I kinda forgot about it and started watching a ton of shows.

So first episode I literally sat and listened to the entirety of Scott Street (Like 5 times) I fell in love with the town. The record store was awesome I love it so much.

Colorado is an amazing state and this game gave me a lot of nostalgia from the town to the mountains.

The Black Lantern was amazing. I'd love to have a place like that like I loved the whole set up and I have like ideas of how to make it like my dream place or something idk. Like instead of a bar it would be like a cozy cafe and in like the other room it would be a library and like queer flags everywhere. And like I'd keep the arcade things there and I'd make them free to play. Then there would be like music in the background and people could always like reccomend music and I'd add it to queue and it would just be an awesome hang spot. Then the middle floor where Alex's home is already has an awesome set up like I love it and I'd add all kinds of decorations and add like my favorite artists albums to the record stand so I can just blast them forever AND THE ROOF BALCONY OH MY GOD ID KEEP IT BASICALLY THE SAME BECAUSE WHO DOESNT LOVE A FLOWER GARDEN ON YOUR VERY OWN ROOF. Like I'm literally gonna make a whole layout of it because why not just cuz I'm bored.

Anywho. I WAS NOT EXPECTING GABE TO DIE THAT WAS SUCH A SHOCK LIKE WHAT I THOUGHT HE WAS A MAIN CHARACTER

Also I love Ryan and Stephs dynamic so much like the lesbian and her himbo. (I chose the adventure with steph ending and I saw Ryan standing alone and I had so many regrets because that's Stephs himbo so now he just lost his best friend, dad, and crush 😭 but like I like the idea that Steph and Alex got to tour the world together cuz I feel like that's what's best for them (if it were me I would've stayed and renovated the black lantern)

Also I went back in the game and now I'm listening to Scott Street on life is strange on repeat so when I look up from my phone it's just life is strange and scott street because phoebe bridgers ❤️

Also on tiktok I got a few spoilers about Jed being a bad guy BUT I WASNT EXPECTING HIM TO FUCKING SHOOT HER SO SHE'D FALL LIKE A MILLION FOOT DROP.

Also I may have not forgiven him (He literally killed Alex's dad and brother and like 6 other people and tried to kill alex)

Also everyone believed me except elanor (I told Riley she had alzhiemers so she ended up having to stay here (sorry) and she said that Alex was crazy and needs help 😭)

About to add stephs wavelengths onto this let me just play it first >:) -10:23pm

I'm so getting steph fired I suck at this

I just took all the pride decor down :( (it's already 11:51pm plz help). "People are always afraid to take the ones chloe made," Chloe? CHLOE PRICE YIPPEE!!! CHLOES VOICE OMG OMG OMG HI!!!! What the hell am I doing here? LIFE IS STRANGE TRUE COLORS ALEX CHEN SINGING CREEP REFRENCE???

😭😭😭 She was having storm flashbacks on October 11th that's why she was being so avoident.

The flashback with Rachel and Chloe was priceless chloe would say that

I like how Steph and Mikey talked on that day and got through the day.

She's so me for having a million different things at her desk to keep her occupied

I love how it ended with the start of the actual game.

Also I love how all 3 dlcs had a scavenger hunt

Yippeee

[nonaonann]

THE ROBINS AND THE MANY SYMBOLISMS

So, I was looking into robin symbolisms and stuff for a fic, and just, wow. The way it applies to the Robins, coincidentally or not is just, so cool to me. Like, very cool.

When the individual Robins are mentioned in relation to symbolism, they'll be colored upon first mention. Dick - Jason - Carrie - Tim - Steph - Damian - I know it's a little weird having Jason be Orange, but that man is a ginger in denial with a lot of black box dye. Plus, he would be Blood Orange, but colors are limited, and Tim would be green?, but that's Damian's so he's red for Red Robin. And then Carrie's pink cuz it's the left over and though she's a ginger, Jason takes claim of the color since he's her predecessor.

For Starters:

CONNECTIONS TO NORSE MYTH: Robins are said to be sacred to Thor because of his fondness of the color red or because of its ability to foretell the weather. (Some say Odin instead of Thor but I saw Thor more frequently.) And as such, they represent bad weather and storms.

□This fits perfectly with Gotham, a city often dreary and worn by harsh weather, also a place where the Robins most frequently fly.□

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CONNECTIONS TO CELTIC SYMBOLISM: The rebreasted birds, if killed, are said to entail injury to its murderer or damage to their property by fire.

□This tidbit of information made me think of Jason's Robin. In a way, you can think of it as Jason killing Dick's Robin, resulting in injury to his person via fire. What I mean by the death of Dick's Robin is that, even when fired by Batman, he still stays under the name Robin. It's only when Jason takes up the name, that it's fully solidified that Dick can no longer be Robin, that he has to change and experience "rebirth" and therefore transitioning into Nightwing.

And then, when Jason is revived, he blames many for his death and goes about exacting revenge and injury for the death of his Robin.□

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SYMBOLISM IN CHRISTIANITY: There are a few tales of how the robin receives its red breast here.

Upon seeing Jesus on the cross, bleeding and injured, the bird flies around, seeking a way to help. It finds a way to pull one of the thorns from Jesus's crown, but in doing so, pricks its breast and or a drop of Jesus's blood colors it instead.

□The Robins are selfless and or seek so desperately to help. They seek to help, succeeding in doing so in most cases while also bringing harm to themselves (also in most cases). This is seen primarily with the first three Robins.

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Anyway, with Dick's Robin , although he started out for revenge against Tony Zucco, he later shifts his focus to truly aiding the people of Gotham as a vigilante. He of course experiences injuries and different types of pains while doing so.

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Then, with Jason's Robin , he always wanted to help. He grew up with and around people hurt, being hurt, or hurting others. When he's Robin, he has a way to put a stop to that, though the name is what leads to his death, or the pricking of the thorn.

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Now, Tim's Robin is where this symbolism can be most applied perhaps. He becomes Robin after seeing Batman and Gotham suffer. He becomes Robin to help Batman, grieving Jason, and to give the city hope in the way Robin does. Despite all the help that he gives, of course he also experiences injuries and eventually, the almost death at the hands of Jason freshly revived. □

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A similar story as the one prior, the bird attempts and fails to pry the nails pinning Jesus to the cross, gaining a breast covered in the blood of the one it was trying to aid.

□Okay, so again, this can be pretty much applied to all the Robins in a way as they all seek to help, but sometimes are unable. Mainly, I think of Carrie Kelly's Robin here. She differs from the others in a way. She is first saved by Batman in Earth-31 and then she dresses as Robin to help him in return. If Carrie is the robin, trying to help "the savior" Jesus Christ in his sacrifice, then in a way, to her, Batman is this savior who she seeks to aid in his sacrificial crusade.□

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Another story takes place during Jesus's birth. In the stable, the fire warming both Mary and the newborn Jesus begins to die. A robin, either being called or noticing itself, fans the embers of the fire until it is strong a bright. However, in the process, the robin's breast is burned, and for its good deed, Mary blesses the bird, giving it its red chest.

□Now, this, how could I not think of Dick's Robin. Not only is his mother named Mary, but just, ahh! Mary feels blessed by her child, and in return, blesses him with the name that he uses to create a legacy, a mantle.

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If we bend canon somewhat with its vague detailing, Dick's birth, and later involvement in the Flying Graysons act, feeds the flames of the circus. It helps revive not only interest in the circus, or rather creates more interest, but he also does the same for his family's act. People are blown away by this small boy, preforming with the greats in what seems to be flight.□

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ROBINS, SPRING, AND WISHES: You can wish on a Robin if seen at the start of spring, but if he flies away before you can, misfortune is said to fall upon you.

□So, this can represent Dick and Jason's relationship. The spring here is metaphorical and instead refers to the start of Dick and Jason's relationship. Here, Dick does not wish to be a brother to Jason, he does not wish for a good relationship, bitter and angered that the name he created was taken and given away without his permission and knowing. It's later that Dick wishes to be a brother to Jason and have a good relationship, but he's too late. Jason's Robin had already flew away and misfortune has befallen both of them. Jason dies and Dick is off world for both his death and funeral.□

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ROBINS AND DEATH: Across many cultures and in many different folklore, robins are considered an omen of death. A specific mention of the two is that, if a robin taps on your window, it is a sign of death in the family.

□I know you did not read the last line and not think of Jason's Robin. The window may not be a window here, but rather Jason tapping the hubcaps or tires of the Batmobile, signifying his own eventually death as it's start of his origin, the start of him being welcomed into the Manor, the Batfamily.

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Furthermore, this also definitely applies to all the Robins, though maybe not Carrie Kelly. (I'm not familiar enough with her to know if she dies during her run as Robin)

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Them taking on the mantle of Robin is the tapping of a window and their eventually death, fake or not, and reserections in the Batfamily. Think of Dick and Crime Syndicate, Jason and the Joker, Tim and the killer drones, Steph and Black Mask, Damian and his clone.

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Another spin is that as Robin, them tapping on the Manor or Batmobile's windows, is an omen for other deaths in the family, such as Bruce or Alfred's. □

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ROBINS AND FAMILY: Robins can either depict good or bad relationships.

"When robins appear, loved ones are near."

□So, bringing it back to Dick's Robin. Dick chooses Robin as his name as a reminder of his family, of his mother who called him robin. Being Robin is, in a way, created to honor the lives his parents. The saying also more so refers to lost loved ones, which fits considering Dick' origin.

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This can be applied to the others, but I'll just expand on how it can symbolize Damian's Robin. Damian views Robin as his birth right, but his viewpoint shifts as he grows. When Damian is Robin, he is near the people he will grow to love. His brothers and sisters, his Father, his Batman (Dick), and his Batgirl (Steph).□

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Robins can also symbolize poor relationships, relationships that will turn sour, and relationships that are not meant to be. (I think this is more common in Native American culture and folklore.)

□This is another tidbit that can apply to all the Robins (though again maybe minus Carrie). They all have rocky relationships with Bruce and each other at at least one point, though for Jason this is more so after his revival.

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Dick's Robin begins rocky with Bruce as he is angry over his parents' deaths and wants to kill the murderer, a desire going against Batman's morals. Then later, the two butt heads over decisions such as Spyral and when Bruce fires Dick from being Robin. Plus, Dick's original opposition to Jason being Robin.

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Tim's Robin also has a rocky relationship with Bruce. During the beginning of his time as Robin, Bruce is angry and grieving and reluctant to accept help. The relationship is an originally forced one where Tim is giving more of himself to fix things than Bruce giving to equal it out. And then, when Dick is Batman and B is lost in time, Dick's decision to take Robin from Tim and give it to Damian turns their relationship sour. And then, Tim's near death by BOTH Jason and Damian at the start of their relationships. Plus, Tim and Steph's romantic relationship, from my knowledge, does not end on a good note or is entirely positive and healthy. Oh, and then the neglect from Janet and Jack?—Tim's bio Dad, is another example of that tidbit. Tim's Robin is an omen for himself for the many relationships he has not starting well and or turning sour at one point.

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Further expanding on Steph's Robin's relation to this, her relationship with all of the Batfamily starts off poorly (though possibly not including Alfred or Cass). Dick looks down on her, I don't think Jason is alive when she's Robin, Tim isn't exactly the best boyfriend and when Steph becomes Robin she does so as a dig at Tim apparently because she thinks he's being unfaithful, Bruce also looks down on her and eventually takes away Robin from her, and then Damian just didn't understand what a healthy relationship was or something at the beginning. Steph's Robin, like Tim, is also an omen for her own poor relationships, including her poor relationship with her Father and needing to be the support for her Mother rather than vice versa. □

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ROBINS AND FIRE: Across many cultures, myth, and folklore, robins are connected to fire, either producing it, protecting it, or stealing it. Fire is something that fights off death and provides warmth. It's symbolic of rebirth and change.

□Yeah, this also applies to all the Robins. SURPRISE!! As Robin, they all experience some sort of change, being in morals, attitudes, perspective, etcetera. Furthermore, the Robins warm Gotham with the hope they represent. They also, like fire, produce a light to fight off Batman's darkness.

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As far as rebirth goes, they don't necessarily experience this being Robin. Instead it's after they've moved on. Dick as Nightwing, a name taken from Kryptonian legend where the God is literally a God of rebirth, Jason as Red Hood when he is rebirthed (revived), and Steph when she asserts herself in her role as a vigilante of Gotham and is "rebirthed" as a person who holds confidence and self-respect.

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It's hard to say if Tim has fully been "rebirthed" as even when he takes up a new name (Red Robin), he is still holding on to the past, that much evident by the inclusion of Robin in his name. As Red Robin, Tim definitely changes, he loses some of his hero worship and smile, but I wouldn't necessarily consider this a rebirth.

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With Damian, he's like Tim in that he holds on to the past and only changes instead of being "rebirthed". He holds on to being the blood son as an attempt to keep his role in the family solidified and it's like he longs for the relationship he had with Dick's Batman with Bruce's Batman, with his Father. He does definitely change though. He becomes less snooty, more open to showing his care, and devoted to Batman's no kill rule. □

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I love symbolism and I'm not sure if my thoughts are being fully conveyed here but yeah.

When I design characters I implement a lot of symbolism or connections between the things they're originally based off and though I don't know if it's the same for the DC writers necessarily, it's a neat thought.

If you read this all, that's crazy. You deserve a reward. (Thank you for reading tho)

[blackwell-academys-airdrop]

For the ask game 6,8 and 25

6. which ship fans are the most annoying? uh. No offense intended whatsoever, but I simply do not vibe with Grahamscott (the gay one). I mean, I guess I see the appeal? But it just kinda rubs me the wrong way a little. I think it's cuz it's a very popular (I might even call it overrated) mlm ship in a very wlw-oriented game and fandom. It's like, there's 5 times more mlm on AO3 as opposed to wlw last I checked. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with mlm; it's just not for me, and it's something that gets hyped up a LOT in fandom spaces, often to the detriment of wlw, het, and other ships.

Anyway. Very popular ship for what I would go so far as to call a crack pairing. (The inherent homoeroticism of, uh... beating a guy up so hard he has to go to the hospital?) Want proof? Here are the most popular relationships (platonic inclusive) in the Life Is Strange fandom on AO3 as of the time of writing:

There are more Grahamscott fics than there are Marshfield fics (admittedly not by a lot), and that's a travesty.

FANDOM-WIDE CHALLENGE: Write >17 Marshfield fics so we can knock Grahamscott out of 4th place!

I reiterate: I do not hate Grahamscott, nor do I hate those who ship them. It's got a lot of (non-uwu softboy, mind you) potential. It simply isn't for me.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about Bae or Bay Before the Storm is not a bad game. Actually no wait I'll save that one for 25.

Hm.

How bout this: William was NOT a perfect dad. He was a good one, for sure, but remember: our idea of his character is rose-tinted with Chloe's and Max's overwhelmingly positive memories of him. "That's one thing he left us: wonderful memories." (I paraphrase) I'd like to see his flaws explored a bit more.

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing I've said it already and I'll say it again: Before the Storm is not a bad game. It's not a great game, and it definitely doesn't live up to the original, but it's a good game.

High points of the game (keep in mind I haven't watched/played the game in about 4 years):

Steph

Interesting take on a young Nathan

CUNSn

The SMASH scene (brought me close to tears. The controllable helplessness of it all, God)

Steph and Mikey

Skip

EN FUEGO UTERO

I LOVE what they did with Samuel actually

The take on Rachel was really interesting, especially the whole backstory thing and the actress mindset

FIRE POWERS FIRE POWERS

I'm intrigued by the drawing of an older Max hanging from a noose in a tree in Chloe's journal. WHAT does that IMPLY, WHAT does that MEAN

Steph

Barb the Barbarian (I named one of my DnD characters that and made her a She-Ra expy)

Chloe's dream sequences and general sleepiness (reminiscent of depression)

PUTTING AN ENTIRE CAR BATTERY INTO HER PANTS POCKET

The snitch straight-up admitting to Damon that he snitched was not at all realistic but it was very funny

The play scene, especially if you get all the lines right

Victoria drinking the drugged tea

Farewell, especially the little choose-your-own squirrel story ^w^

Low points:

"tHe StArS aRe DeAd" THAT IS NOT ASTRONOMICALLY CORRECT (I have ranted about this before)

Damon. Everything about Damon. His character, his impact on the plot, everything.

The whole James and Sera backstory was really hackneyed

I am ambivalent about the Backtalk mechanic

The whole third episode was just such a letdown. So much wasted potential

Much like LIS, there are a lot of different subplots, but LIS wove them together well while BTS didn't.

I've reblogged a rant about this before, but Chloe has so very little agency while Max has loads of it! Admittedly, the game is a prequel so some things have to happen no matter what, and Chloe's lack of agency (and unwillingness to acquire it) is a big point of her character, but it does not make for a fun video game protagonist. There are way too many But Thou Must! moments in the story.

The friggin' end scene with Frank fighting off Damon

do NOT retcon that Pompidou was a gift from Damon. do NOT

I'm also ambivalent on the whole Max and Chloe text exchanges retcon. Like, I think Chloe miiiight have reached out to her, but Max would not have responded. The anxiety is simply Too Great.

I am also ambivalent about the Sam & Nathan thing. I wish she'd gotten more characterization than just "sweet kind girl who loves books".

Megan Weaver didn't show up. I wish she had, cuz she was evidently important to Chloe for at least a little while, and we know so little about her

I know there was a strike going on or something but I am sad we didn't have the original VAs :( (but they came back for Farewell, so rejoice!)

Chloe's VA's performance was kinda lackluster

Okay THAT got longer than I anticipated. Sorry. Anyway. There are a lot of good points to BTS. There are a lot of bad ones, too. But hey. Canon is a construct.

[quotidian-oblivion]

Which of your Fics

Aaaaaaand another tag game which I found while binging through the writer tag game tag!

Which fic did you think would get a bigger reaction/audience than it got?

The most recent one - Greet Me With Open Arms cuz it was a requests fic where I asked people to give me dialogue prompts to use in a single fic. But then again, I posted it just yesterday. I'm just really excited about it and wanna know what people (especially those who put their dialogue prompts requests) think of it.

Which fic got a better reaction than you expected?

The Boy In The Cell, quite honestly. Cuz I thought people would ignore it due to how self-indulgent it was, but so many liked it! Thanks, you guys ^^

Which fic is your funniest?

Based on the comments, Phone Alarms. Quite proud of that one ^.^

Is your darkest/angstiest?

Ahh. Either The Boy In The Cell or There’s So Much Hurt (you can already tell by the title XD) These two cuz they cover darker topics like abuse and stuff. But if you count all the fics including the wips, then definitely this one wip i'm working on which is... pretty b a d. I mean, not the plot, the plot and characters and stuff is awesome! But in terms of rating the angst, its like- up there.

Is your absolute favourite?

Ahh. It depends on my mood, really. Sometimes I say My School’s Local Mafia Boss, sometimes Sometimes You Have To Find Your Own Genes, sometimes a couple of my wips (cuz fbhic i love the plots i've created for them like- bhfvifubhu). But right now? I'm saying I Feel More Than A Simple "Miss You" just cuz I put so much care into it, more than any other oneshot I've ever written.

Is your least favourite?

A Day In The Life Of Tim Drake. No hesitation. It's my first fic. Ok- sometimes, i am proud of it. But most times, nah. Cuz I wrote this on a whim bc i didnt like the thought of having an empty ao3 account and i did not think i would be actually writing fanfiction regularly. But here i am!

Which was the easiest to write?

I... don't know? I wouldn't be writing fanfic, or writing at all period. So I'm gonna say all of them.

The hardest?

As i said, I wouldn't be writing at all if it was hard so i'm gonna say non- NO. WAIT. THERE IS TWO.

Murder On The Stalker’s Turf and I Can See You. Cuz these were casefics and i was writing these while trying to get back into the flow of writing after a particularly hard and taxing writer's block.

Which fic has your favourite line/paragraph?

AHHHHHHHHHHHH WHY THIS QUESTION? DFHIUBF I'M SO INDECISIVE

OK. OK. SO I NARROWED IT DOWN TO THREE:

There’s So Much Hurt (both of them)

“You’re my son, Jason,” Bruce carried on. “Do you think that when you brought Tim over and started calling him your little brother, I wouldn’t start mentioning him as my son too?”

&

Alfred tightened the bandages that had loosened and continued wrapping. At some point, Tim whimpered loudly in pain and squeezed Dick's hand so hard that both their knuckles went white. Jason swept a strand sticking into his baby brother's eye. "I know. I know it hurts, Timbit. I'm sorry." "Jason," the little bird said weakly. "Ouch." Jason smiled smally. "Yeah, bud. Major ouch."

Let Them Be Siblings

Steph blinked twice again. Then she rubbed her eyes tiredly and muttered, "Lord, please bless me some fucks to deal with this bullshit."

which fic have you re-read the most?

My School’s Local Mafia Boss No hesitation. One, to refer back to it while writing the series. Two, cuz I write fics for me first and foremost and so i very much love this fic and reread it quite a lot. Three, i cant believe how much attention its getting! why- ohh that's why, yep. And four, I'm feeling nostalgic and I want to visit the place where I made most of my current friends.

Which one would i recommend to someone reading your work for the first time?

Phone Alarms ig? Cuz it's really chill and cracky and I'm really proud of it. But if we're including wips, then I would rec the Bruce Wayne Writes Fanfic AU first XD

the one you’re most proud of?

Isn't this sort of similar to the favorite one? At least it is to me. Still keeping this question if other people wanna do this question.

No pressure tags: @uncertainwallflower @sardonic-sprite @tristicorde @wakkoroni @blightwritesfic @pevensiechase @ah0yh0y @foursixtwonineoh-pieces-of-lego + anyone else who wants to join

[beaniebonkie]

AITA

am I the asshole if I go no contact with my friend without telling her? I'd say about 4 years ago is when I pretty much became her go to for everything. she met a guy, and we will call him Steve, her and Steve ran away together. not to mention he was 18 and she was 14. Her and her mom came to an agreement that Steph would come home as long as Steve could come too, because her mom was so tired of begging Steph to come home, she caved and let it happen. so now a month or so has passed and Steph is home, and Steve lives there on the condition that he has a job and is helping, while Steve was working, he was talking to other girls, eventually Steph found out and I had to hear about that for month because she refused to break up with him but knew he wouldn't stop cuz he was a pos. So, it was really tiering waking up to her calls at 2am because she saw something on his phone every night. With them spending as much time together as they did (if he wasn't at work, they were together) she got pregnant, he got scared and left to a different town. when Steve left, Steph was absolutely crushed and I totally understand that, so then I became her shoulder to cry on during her pregnancy. after some time, things started to calm back down, and she had he beautiful son. after some time, she decided she was going to date again and she met someone we will call Kyle, that name fits better then you know. so, Steph and Kyle hit it off and its cool then Kyle goes to jail for a felony charge. while Kyle was in jail he was talking to Steph and many others so when he got out and because he's a munch he couch surfed at her house. When he was at her house, she found all the notes and things from the other girls. They started their relationship off like that. so of course, I hear about it every day and now she has beef with everyone in our small ass hometown cuz Kyle was out and about while in jail and before they met and then she puts it on me. for example, I don't even know the chick, never talked before, nothing, but if I'm friends with any of them on social media, she loses her shit on me, like I don't feel like it's my responsibility to keep track of every chick YOUR MAN hooked up with and make sure I'm not their friend like bffr. So anyways this dude hates me because I call him out on his bs and the way Kyle treats Steph because he's literally a narcissistic psychopath that won't even let her get a job to support herself or her child. He has that kind of toxic mentality, and she just takes it and then she'll come to me telling me everything Kyle is doing, and I tell Steph like "hey that's low-key abuse and you need to leave if not for you for your child" but you know "Steph knows best" so she doesn't ever listen to me or take my advice EVER. not to mention Kyle forced Steph stop taking her birth control (he literally hid her fucking pills from her or would yell at her like a crazy if he found out she was taking them) so she now has a daughter. so, with their daughter being here, Kyle now feels as though he and Steph should get married. Kyle is a felon on probation with terrible money management, no self-discipline, acts like a literal child but loves to boast about he's a "man". I told her it wasn't a smart idea because she always tells me how she wants to leave him and how she's "tired of fucking up her life", because once they get married, he's moving her across the country, and she will have none of her support systems only trapping her more. I got kind of upset with her because she's putting herself and her kids at risk and she knows it but won't listen to anyone (me and her mom, HER THERAPIST). I knew that he was planning to propose, and he did and she's trying to hide it but failed so now I know they are engaged, and she hasn't talked to me since I told her it wasn't a good idea and after seeing that I feel like the advice I give her is pointless and I'm done having anxiety and stress over someone else's life choices, aita?

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, AUGUST 31, 1992 I’m on my patio which is very well-shaded. We need a massive thunder and lightning storm.

I went down to check the mail but there was nothing. I hear if any day he’s late, it’s Mondays. I’ll go check again in an hour.

I called for my test results and it still shows that I have a bacterial infection. Now I have to use a cream that’s been called in. That’s bad enough that I always have one fucking infection after another. What’s a whole lot worse is that in two months I must have another pap smear! No way. Those things are too painful. The nurse said to see if I can bring someone with me. Yeah, right. Get real. Like anyone cares?

I also called the phone company and found out two new things today. One is that I can get a letter of credit from CT to waive the $170 deposit. Two is I don’t have to pay $5 a month for long-distance blocks.

I will go talk to Tara later about her taking me to Hatcher St. with the form I had my doctor fill out. After I show them a rent receipt, proof of income and all that crap, they send the form to someone else. They’re the ones who either approve it or deny it. I have a feeling this is gonna take forever and I’ll be waiting there for 3 hours just like at the food stamp office. Also, one worker says you need to make an appointment, another says they don’t make appointments. That’s typical, huh?

I hope Andy can take me to Goot’s pharmacy. I’m so glad I was switched from Alupent to Proventil. I like it so much better cuz I get less of a pounding and racing heartbeat and I don’t have to use it as often. My asthma’s improved so much and today was the first day in years I did not have to take my Proventil when I woke up! I always used to have to take the Alupent or Proventil when I’d first wake up, but today’s the first day in years where I didn’t have to! I only took my Theodur and the Azmacort which are preventions, not meant to be taken whenever you feel like it. The Alupent and Proventil are the ones you take as needed to wipe out the wheezing instantly unless it’s so bad that you must go to the ER.

I think I will go and check the mail now, then go for a swim. I hope I’ve got a letter from Kim or somebody.

Later…

As usual, I didn’t get any mail at all. I think UPS will come tomorrow, rather than today.

I’ve spoken to Tara and Tonya a few times and we’ve had some really good talks. Tara said she appreciates having a woman around to talk to.

I’m gonna bring them my manicuring books and also an extra pair of scissors they mentioned needing. Then I’ll see when it’s convenient for Tara to take me to Hatcher St. I’m gonna have to wait till around the 15th, though. That’s when I can get a current rent receipt.

In the meantime, you know my rule. I’ve made the first move, now let them come to me. I sort of want to quit while I’m ahead and not see them too often to avoid problems just like I don’t see Kara every day. But Kara is a good friend and I do like her.

I’m gonna see if Andy wants to pay for us to go see the Twin Peaks movie, Fire Walk With Me. I’ll pay him back my share in food stamps if he wants.

The other day was so funny when Stephanie saw me coming to the pool with Tara and Tonya. She grinned and winked at me. I told Tara and Tonya that she was gay too and that I think she thinks we’re together. They laughed and thought that was funny. I told Stephanie alone, that they’re really nice and that they’re roommates who just moved in. I told her I doubted anything would happen, but I’d keep her posted.

That was the day I played volleyball in the pool with Sue, Steve, Robert, his cousin and a few others. It was lots of fun and Kara, Tara and Tonya were shocked at how many people I know around here.

Andy and Steph were talking about Tara and Tonya and Andy says Steph really likes me as a friend. That’s cool. I like her too.

A few days ago, due to Kara’s helping me, I gave her some cigarettes and made her, Ashley and myself a hot dog. We had lots of fun swimming, too. I put on my nose clips that time so I could go underwater and use both hands to do somersaults and handstands. Whenever I’d do a backflip, my hair would be in my face. It was really goofy looking and the look on Ashley’s face was so funny. I’m gonna go grab my nose clips and see if they’re home and want to go swimming now.

Later…

I went over to Kara’s and we all went swimming. You can tell Ashley’s getting to know me and recognizes me. Hopefully, she won’t be so fussy tomorrow when I babysit her. Kara’s mom got her a playpen for $5 at a yard sale. She’s gonna bring it over tomorrow which is great. That way I won’t have to be chasing her all over.

I now see Fay heading towards the other pool.

Last night, there was a knock on my door and it was Ellie. She goes, “Grab a cough of cuppee and…”

I cut her off saying I was busy and then I shut my door on her.

Today’s the kids’ first day back to school. Man, was this always a depressing day for me! Any miserable times as an adult sure beats my childhood. What a miserable kid I was. I hated school, and when I wasn’t in school I’d have to deal with my mom. Or Brattleboro and Valleyhead.

My nieces start school this Wednesday. Lisa’s excited, so thank God at least she enjoys school.

Tammy told me they’d get a letter out to me as soon as they get situated. I’ve got to get a letter out to Tammy and mom and dad. I have Sarah’s b-day card ready. I can’t remember if she’s gonna be 2 or 3. Becky’s 5 and Lisa’s 9.

I can’t wait till my family can come see me. I really do miss all of them and I’m dying to show off where I live and how happy I am.

Oh, guess what happened yesterday? When I went over to see Andy he asked, “Have you any idea why the Norwich police dept. would call at 5:11 in the morning?”

At first, I couldn’t think of any reason, then I remembered my letter to Debbie. The way I see it, it’s my constitutional right, there was nothing threatening or sexual. Just very very strange, but I’ll write no more letters to her. I told Andy to just ignore the call and that if he got a call and he didn’t recognize the voice and they asked for me, to say there’s no Jodi there. I mean, what the hell are they gonna do about a letter that makes no sense with a few pieces of hair in it?

Going for another swim now!

Later…

I am out on my patio now and I have been in such a good mood. Since I moved here I have had so many happy days despite the money problems. I wish I moved here a long time ago. I have had more happy days since June 9th than I’ve had in years. After being miserable for so long, I really appreciate being so happy now. It feels great. It also feels great to have my asthma be so much better.

Tomorrow marks two special anniversaries for me. One is that 7 years ago I began losing 40 pounds. Two is that it’s been 3 years with no Navane. I knew as well as other supportive and understanding people that I didn’t need any drugs. I needed a life with good people who were willing to deal with me, let me be myself and be there for me during my good and not-so-good times. No drug can replace what I have now, even though I’d still like to be a singer.

When I last went to the pool, Andy came in for a swim and we had a nice talk. We admired the beauty around us and compared it to back east. Here everything’s so new, cheap and beautiful. Back east everything’s old, dumpy and expensive.

There’s been an awesome breeze out and we’re due for a storm, I hear.

Andy and I made burgers and hotdogs on the grill. It took forever to get it lit cuz it was so windy. We also made collect calls from the payphone. He’s coming over in an hour or so and we’re gonna play cards.

I’m getting tired now, so if we do get a storm and he wants to go drive on top of the mountain, I don’t think I’ll go. I told him I would, but now I really am starting to tire down. I got up at 7:30.

I think I’ll go to the Jacuzzi now and later I’ll write about Tara. I really really like her!

Later…

It’s dark now and I’m on my patio. But I have my light on just inside my sliding glass door so I have plenty of light.

I went into the Jacuzzi a little while ago, then went to see Tara, but there was no answer.

Andy may have fallen asleep by now as he’s been up so long. I’m getting tired myself now so I’ll finish tomorrow.

Later…

I hope I get my package tomorrow!

Tara’s gonna take me to Goot’s, then I gotta be back by 3:00 at least so I can babysit.

Even though Kara’s moving two minutes away, I wish she wasn’t.

I met another girl who lives above Kara who’s also named Kara, but she prefers to use Linda which is her middle name. I’ve seen her boyfriend around several times as well as her.

I saw Sue today, too. Also, Stacey. Not Kara’s sister, but the other one who I couldn’t figure out why she left me hanging. Her son was in the hospital with pneumonia for 4 days and she hasn’t gone out cuz he’s still not quite over it. I told her to let me know if she needs me.

Andy was so funny at the pool earlier when we were cooking and on the pay phone. I had my suit on under my skirt which I took off to go for a swim. He put it on and started dancing around. Two people I didn’t know, along with Tara and Kara were cracking up. Then Paula was on her way around the corner showing apartments to people when I yelled out to him that she was coming. He quickly slipped it off, thanking me for the warning. Then says, “And these are the people that live here.” We were laughing our asses off, then I went and had a nice talk with Tara. I really do like her and I’m glad we met, but I’ll write all about her another time.

Current Location: Arizona

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30, 1992 Well, now I have to wait another month or so before I can lie out in the sun. I have this hideous sun poisoning. It’s an itchy rash all over that looks like lots of reddish zits. What a bummer, huh? Just when I’m beginning to really tan. I spoke to Dad earlier and he said to wear a T-shirt till it cools down.

He also said he called SS and for me to tell them to take a little at a time. I have 30 days to talk to them or ask for another waiver form, even though that’ll do no good. He said that September’s check will be the full $426 as they can’t touch it till they send me a letter stating how much they’re gonna take per month. The whole thing is so stupid. They’re doing this cuz I didn’t tell them sooner that I’d be moving.

All states are different as far as what they pay. New York and Massachusetts are the highest. Connecticut’s lower and Arizona’s nothing as far as SSI goes.

There’s a special edition of Unsolved Mysteries coming on, so I want to get a bite to eat. During commercials, I’ll write.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 29, 1992 I just polished my toenails and I’m writing while they dry.

Mark next door is occasionally fun to be around, but overall I’ve come to hate him. His attitude stinks and he hates the whole world. All he can do is rank on my friends, talk about sex and pressure me about getting stoned with him. So, yesterday when he knocked on my door to go swimming, I said I’d go and decided to turn the tables around. I reminded him of how he said he likes aggressive women who dish back to him what he dishes out. After all, I do give what I get. So, I started pressuring him into things I know he’s not into and ranking on all his friends. He said he no longer has any friends cuz they moved. I really gave it to him good at the pool. It was fun for both of us and when I said something that wasn’t too funny in his opinion, he pretended to laugh anyway.

Later…

I didn’t see Fay or Andy yesterday but Kara left a note on my door. They’re moving next Tuesday and I’m gonna babysit Ashley. Not that I’m looking forward to it, but it’s helping a friend while earning a little money.

Robert has his cousin visiting from Santa Fe. Luckily I woke up at 6:00 as at 8:00 he was running around up there to get the place cleaned up. It would’ve woken me up if I were sleeping and I’d have been pissed. His cousin’s getting up tomorrow at 6:00 and he says he’s a gorilla. I told him he better not be or I’ll be a gorilla. I have a right to my schedule, too.

I had a great time yesterday with Tara and Tonya. So far they’re super nice for such good-looking girls. We talked about all kinds of things and they’re definitely very open-minded and accepting of me.

Tara’s an awesome artist! She showed me an awesome airbrush painting she did and Tonya’s done some modeling. She showed me portfolios and several pictures and they were beautiful.

Their apartment is gorgeous. They have a 2-bedroom and there are also 2 bathrooms. One bathroom is just like mine and the bedroom’s the same size as mine. That’s the one Tonya has.

Tara’s room is huge and her bathroom’s big, too. She has a sliding glass door off of her bedroom that goes out to the patio along with the sliding glass door off the living room.

They each have their own car so they told me to let them know if I’ve got to go anywhere.

I showed them my place and my drawings, too. Tara’s drawings make mine look sick, though. I also showed them all the pictures Andy took. You know, the ones my mom flipped out about.

I had begun to tell them stuff about themselves I shouldn’t know. I thought, oops! I was afraid I’d freak them out, so I explained it to them. They thought it was so neat. They said they always wanted to meet someone like that and that they wish they could do that.

Well, there’s so much more to write, but I need to lie down for a little bit.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 28, 1992 I got up at around 3 AM and now I am eagerly waiting for the pool to open. It won’t be open till 8:00, said maintenance. I have my sliding door open and my windows. My ceiling fan’s on.

Every morning the maintenance guys go around the grounds collecting garbage with these tong-like things. They do various other stuff too, like repairs in apartments, painting, cleaning the grills and taking care of the pools and the grounds. Monday mornings suck. That’s when they mow the lawns.

While I was asleep, Kara left a note on my door. She wants to know if I’ll babysit Ashley next Tuesday. God knows I don’t want to, but I will to help my friend and earn a little money.

It amazes me that I never heard her knock.

Fay came over with a peace offering. A little table for my patio. We had a good talk and I told her how I felt. She is a nice person, she’s funny, and she’s helped me and cheered me up, but if there are any more lies, I’ll end it with her permanently with no peace offerings. She promised me that if she has anything to say about me, she’ll come say it to me.

I haven’t really seen Ellie and I don’t miss her. I think I’ll only be able to handle her if I see her very occasionally.

I got more color yesterday at the pool but I have this obnoxious itchy heat rash.

I didn’t see Sue at the pool, the girl I just met who works for the children’s protective services. Instead, I saw Angel, Brian, Bonnie, Stephanie and Tara.

At 11:00 I had gone to Tara’s to tell her the truth, but there was no answer. She said maybe she was in the shower as she’s home all day unless she’s got errands.

Fay gave me good advice. She said to go over, be honest, tell them the truth and what happened with Rosemarie. Fay said to tell them to make up their minds and keep them made up. Don’t go jerking me from one extreme to another and contradict themselves as Rosemarie did.

So, while I was using the grill I saw Tara at the pool. I told her I must be honest with her up front and she’s to take it or leave it. When I told her she laughed, saying she thought I was gonna tell her some big horrible thing, like I killed someone. She said her aunt’s gay and she and Tonya both had gay friends back in Colorado.

I told her I’d stop by her place sometime today. I’ll go see Kara also.

When Robert came down to go to school, he said to let him know if I find a black wallet. I asked if it was finder’s keeper. He said there was no money in it. Only his driver’s license. Oh well.

I’m waiting for Mark to come out to go to school. I’m gonna pounce all over him. I’ll write about that one later. Now I’ve got to have a bite to eat while I’m waiting for Mark and waiting for the pool to open. I need a good swim to wake me up.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 27, 1992 Yesterday my food stamps came! I was so psyched and I literally cried tears of relief. Angel’s husband Brian took me to the store cuz Andy was asleep at the time. Once I finished shopping and was in the checkout line, I saw Andy at the courtesy desk. He ran over to the thrift store, then brought me back. It feels so great to finally have a full refrigerator and full cabinets. I will now eat quite well.

Andy and I spoke yesterday at his place. He was very upset with the people who are supposed to fix his car.

He also said several things Fay and Ellie said that were bullshit. I’m so sick of Ellie’s delusions and moods. Her mood changes every 5 minutes and the woman is a nut.

Also, I’ve been catching Fay in more and more lies that are just adding up too much. I also know she was the one who lied to Rosemarie and Rick and got them to come over here. She said that if she did, it was her business. Yeah, well they really made it my business too, though, in the end, she did me a favor.

Andy told me other lies that he said he knew were lies. He also says he thinks Fay’s jealous cuz I’m tiny and she’s a 270-pound bitch. Also, she said she was gonna dump me (to Andy) and Andy feels she doesn’t want me to have any friends. She won on that one, cuz I’m not gonna have many friends.

I went over to her place and told her I’ll dump her and do the job for her. I told her how I feel and that she and Ellie cannot have a 24-hour-a-day friendship with me. They said they understood my schedule’s crazy, but naturally, they contradicted themselves on that one.

I’m tired of both their games and attitudes and I told them both I no longer want anything to do with either of them.

Andy says all this is still worth meeting people. What, does he want to get hurt? And see others get stepped on? I’m sorry, but I have self-respect and if I allowed myself “friends” like them I wouldn’t be a true friend to myself. Hey, that’s what happens when you lie. You do lose friends. True friends don’t do the things they’ve done.

I’ll write more later. I need a smoke now.

Later…

I got up last night at 2 AM. I’d have preferred to sleep till 4:00 or 5:00, but at least I have food and cigarettes.

I washed my hair and I’m gonna make sure I don’t get it in the pool today. When I go tanning I’ll put it up. I got some good color yesterday and I want to get more today. The only obnoxious problem is that I get a heat rash. Heat rash and break out with lots of little itchy bumps that look like thousands of zits. Mainly on my chest, stomach, thighs, and a little on my shoulders.

So far in the 3 months I’ve been here, or almost 3 months, I’ve been stabbed in the back and dumped by two people, and I dumped one liar and 1 nut job. Real good, huh?

Every time I want to be left alone and ignored, there’s somebody else there. Do I have a sign on me that says: Be my friend and real nice at first, then dump me or give me a good reason to dump you?

I was in the pool on my raft when some girl called out hi to me as if she knew me. She spoke more than I did and we discussed many things. Mainly about Arizona, other places and people. She told me she studied a lot about human behavior and when she mentioned her very good job as a children’s protective worker and all about the school, it scared me. Her job’s no match for one on disability and once again, just cuz I know I’m not stupid and I know myself, am happy with who and how I am, know my feelings, and I don’t need her coming down on me. She didn’t, though my head was saying not to talk to her. My heart was saying don’t prejudge her by others, wait till she does something. I told her this up front too, and that I’ve had a lot of problems with some of the people there.

Well, she’s OK as a pool buddy. Then again, I wonder if pool buddies are a cool idea. When they fuck me over, I’m gonna want to go to the pool and I’d appreciate not having to see them or know they’re there. Makes me wanna puke when I see Donna or Rosemarie and now Fay and Ellie.

Tonya wasn’t at the pool but Tara was. She wrote down her number which I never asked for. There are 3 things I could do, and I don’t know which one I should do. One, I could go over there and say nothing. Two, I could tell them I’m gay, accept it or leave it without changing their minds later on down the road. Three, ignore them. God, do I hate this! What do I do?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26, 1992 Well, I didn’t sleep as long as I’d have liked to. I slept till 12:30.

My neighbor, Cliff, who lives above Mark, says he’s got the day off tomorrow and can take me to the store. I hope I get my food stamps tomorrow, but I doubt it’ll be that soon. Yesterday, though, I did get my food stamp ID card. I hope they’re on their way for once, but if not I’ll have to use the few dollars I have to get a few things. I need to spare my cash for cigarettes and I hope mom and dad have money on the way.

It seems like 80% of my journals are all about my need for money. Is this how it’ll be for the rest of my life? But of all the reasons I can come up with that are not worth living for, this is another one. Who wants to go through life having no food half the time? You don’t have to feed a dead person and mom and dad don’t have to worry or help a dead person financially. A dead person can’t worry about not being a singer. A dead person can’t be burned by jerks. A dead person can’t want to be with someone.

God, I hate feeling this way! Especially here. It’s too beautiful here to have to worry about food and money. I’m glad that it’s gotten much easier these days knowing I cannot have a career as a singer, or the ideal relationship, or a child, but I’d be super, super, super happy if I could eat, pay the rent and bills and have a little left over for fun.

Thank God my parents and their place is OK. Dad says within two months I’ll have the rest of my stuff back.

Yesterday I sent out my electric bill and letters to Lisa, Fran and Nervous. I sent out Andy’s letter as well as Debbie’s letter. I also had junk mail with no-postage-necessary envelopes. I’ve sent in Debbie’s request for a jewelry catalog as well as for a Visa card. In a few months, Barbara will get a letter. Meanwhile, whenever I have a no-postage-necessary envelope for whatever, I’ll send it to Barb and Debbie along with various other people. I have to get a letter out to Mark, Tammy and my parents next.

Later…

I am dead tired today. I didn’t even sleep 8 hours and wish I’d slept a few hours later. Once I’m up, though, I’m up. I’ll just feel groggy all day. What would really perk me up would be to get my food stamps today, go shopping, come back and go swimming and work on my tan.

I spoke to Ellie and Fay briefly yesterday. As usual, Ellie started off cheerful, then she got crabby.

I helped Fay fill out a form for her yearly food stamp review. I left her alone in the apartment for a few minutes to go tell Mark I’d get a ride from someone else (he was drinking) and she stepped out saying she’d be right back. I hope she didn’t steal anything which I haven’t discovered yet. You know how paranoid I am about that. I also do a damn good job of attracting people like that.

I very quickly spoke to Stephanie and Angel yesterday. Angel’s sister Grace has gone back to Idaho where they’re from and now another sister of hers is here. I guess her name’s Bonnie. On my way out of the pool area, Angel asked me how things were going. I told her I’d be friendly and say hi, she’s never done me wrong, but I’m being cautious and keeping my mouth shut. I told her thanks for her concern, she’s a nice person, but I’ve been burned twice unfairly. I’m keeping to myself.

I also met two really nice girls who are roommates named Tara and Tonya. I met each one once before. They both have cute faces and medium-length hair blond hair. Tara’s a little heavy and Tonya has a very nice figure.

Tara says she plays the keyboards and they both want to get together with me. Once again, they all seem nice in the beginning, so I really hope they don’t pursue my friendship. I don’t think they’ll really bother seeking me out. They seem fairly stable and not the type to do such things. I have no idea how open-minded they may or may not be, but they seem like the dumpers, more than the dumpees.

The maintenance man came and fixed my bathroom faucet which dripped. He also moved my underwear almost behind the toilet but left my shorts and tank top where they were. I gave him permission to come in if I wasn’t here and I guess males are always males no matter what. I shouldn’t have left the clothes there either. The maintenance men stare me down all the time. They’re shabby scabby Mexicans. The exact type that would stare me down. I gave a show on my patio the other day. I pretended to be fighting with someone in my apartment.

I got some more CDs in the mail. That was fast.

When I go to the store, it’ll be after the mail gets here, but I doubt my food stamps will come today. Fay said Friday or Saturday, but I hope sooner.

Later…

I just spoke to Mark briefly, then went into the Jacuzzi.

Fay was on the pay phone and I headed over to Ellie’s for coffee but she was asleep. I could see her in bed through the side of her blinds.

I borrowed Andy’s vacuum yesterday and I woke him up. Well, I didn’t, his door did. He’s got a very squeaky door. Sometime today, I’m gonna vacuum my bathroom and kitchen after I scrub them down.

At 9 AM I’m gonna watch a talk show.

MONDAY, AUGUST 24, 1992 I am a little anxious now as I’ve heard on the news Florida’s gonna be hit by Hurricane Andrew. It’s supposed to be the worst in history. We’ve been hit here with tropical storm Lester and we’ve had lots of rain. I guess Miami’s gonna get it worse, but they say the coast is always the main target and I’m worried about my folks. No one in this family needs any more shit. We’ve all had enough and should they lose their home I’d be just as affected. I don’t mean to sound selfish, but my pictures and other things of mine are there. Also, I need their help financially. All they need is that crisis on top of what’s happening to me now. I’m scared for them and I’m scared for myself. This hurricane is supposed to be worse than Hurricane Hugo in 1989. They’ve also already estimated 10 billion dollars worth of damage.

Not only do I pray to you God to lift the curse off of me and allow me to be OK real soon money-wise, but leave my parents alone, too! Don’t let this hurricane destroy them. What is it I must do to make everything OK? With my parents and with me? If you can hear me up there, please spare my parents and find a way for me to go to the grocery store fast. For a huge shopping order. Please let them send me my food stamps this week. I promise to behave and keep out of trouble if you make sure I have enough food and cash. Also, please let my test results be OK and the visit with my parole officer be OK. Take care of my parents and me in the way that I ask and I will try to be as good as I can and I will keep to myself. Remember how happy I was when I first came here, even though I had a bad vibe? Allow me to feel that again, worry-free with no bad vibes. All I can say is that I’ve been through too much. Enough is enough and I don’t want to “prove” my strength anymore. I miraculously went through the crap I did in CT and with money here and never cut myself. Isn’t that enough? Isn’t that good enough proof for you? Let me be OK so I can relax and be happy. Free me from worries, fears and anxieties. Take care of my parents. There’s nothing else I can say as I’ve nailed it to the point.

Later…

I’m watching Matlock now and I think I’ll go to bed after Oprah. I’ve been up since 8:00 last night. I hope no one knocks on my door or Robert walks too hard so I can sleep hopefully much later than 8:00.

Starting at 8:00 Eastern time I began trying to reach my parents and got no answer. At 9:30 Eastern time, I got in touch with Tammy after the line was busy for a while. She’d just spoken to Ma and they’re fine and so is the island. She did leave on the 1st but they went other places before getting to Mom and Dad on the 10th. On the way back a suitcase of clothes fell off the top of their van. Dad said the same thing happened on the way down.

I spoke to Mom and Dad and they’re fine.

I do have more to say, but I’ll write later. I’m getting very tired.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23, 1992 I’m watching Little House on the Prairie. The Twin Peaks movie is finally out. It starts on the 28th. It’s called Fire Walk With Me.

Last night I thought of a great way to mail letters free with no stamp. You write the address of the person you want it sent to as the return address. Put a phony name and address as the one you’re gonna send it to and it’ll get sent to the one you want it sent to returned for postage.

I made up a letter for Robert upstairs with some of the hair my dad sent. I also got a new and better letter for Debbie back in Oakwood Knoll with some hair. Next will be Barbara a few months from now. I want to space them out. I also have several others to send mail to in MA. Besides Nervous, Fran and Kim.

When I get a phone I’ll contact Jessie collect. If it won’t go through, I’ll try from a payphone or write her a letter. I also am gonna send Andy a letter. It’s got his address as the return one, of course, and Jayke in Chicopee, as who he’s sending a letter. He always says he never gets letters anymore since I moved here. It’ll be a surprise as I haven’t said anything about it.

I’ve got to stop for something to eat. I’m fucking starving!

Later…

I’m boiling water now to make some noodles.

Earlier I ran into Robert and two of his buddies. He introduced us (I forgot their names) and I joked once again about how I saw him profiled on America’s Most Wanted. He laughed and said he saw me on his milk carton. I told him I ran away from Taxachusetts.

We all went to the Jacuzzi and were laughing and telling all kinds of jokes.

He reminded me of our little arrangement and asked if I knew of any girls for him. I told him I didn’t and he knew of no one either.

He asked if it was me who made those funny calls and I burst out laughing. He said he knew of some pranks for me and they were all laughing at my calls to him. I told him about the letter and I gave it to him when we got back.

I have to send a letter to Mark next door. Then again, I’d rather send one to Donna. It’s been a long time since she’s heard from me. I have to try this on my mom and sister, too.

I wonder if my sister’s back home now. She said she’d call me when she returned but I have not yet heard from her.

Monday I need to call my bank about my balance. Also, I’ll call Peggy Sue at DES (Dept. of Economic Security) about my goddamn mother-fucking food stamps. Will I ever get them? If I don’t and what with SS fucking me over, my parents are gonna need to send me around $300 a month. I mean, they’re absolutely gonna have to. I can’t be evicted and totally starving. So they may have no choice.

I’m managing fairly well to try to keep my fear, anger and anxiety in check and smile and laugh. I’m also nervous about the results of my pap smear and when my parole officer comes to see me. I also want a phone!

Now with no more babysitting jobs except for Kara’s baby occasionally and not knowing what the fuck’s going on with my money, I better wait on getting a phone. I hate babysitting with a passion but I do need the money. I’m gonna call up Stacey, or go over there and thank her for leading me on, rather than telling me what’s going on.

I’m so sick of worrying about money! My stomach problems are worse since I have no choice but to not eat right. I never ate right all the time when I did have food money, but now it’s been so long since I’ve eaten right or enough. Not since last May. What is my purpose in this world? I wanna try to enjoy myself here the best I can without worrying about money, bills and food. And mind my own business, stop being so friendly and stop making friends. Just say hi to people and leave it at that.

I wish I could go to bed now and get up at 1:00. That way I can tan. Tomorrow’s gonna be a great day for that at only 94º.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 21, 1992 Not too much happened today. Andy and I went to get my meds. I got my Theodur and Azmacort, but they say as of Aug. 1st, the state will no longer pay for Alupent. It figures there’s got to be some problem for me. The woman there is gonna call Dr. Kareus and see if it can be changed to something similar like Proventil or Ventolin.

I’m really nervous about the results of my pap smear. This bloating stomach of mine, along with the funny feeling in my lower belly and the discharges has been going on too long. It’s really obnoxious. I am DES-exposed after all, and I do have a much higher chance of cervical cancer.

I swear that if I ever did need surgery again in my life for something that serious, I’d refuse. I’d rather die first and I still feel there are more reasons to want to drop dead than to live for. There are too many more problems in this world, even though things have improved as far as my living conditions. Too many more fucked up people than good and too many second-best and settlements to live for.

I still feel there’s a curse on me and there’s still a long way to go to getting food stamps and financial security. Something’s out to get me and get me good. It would’ve sounded crazy to me a long time ago, but now it’s rather obvious. So much goes wrong that I didn’t deserve. People shit on me I never shit on.

The horriblescopes, as we call them, in the TV guide are always accurate. What I read scared me. I went over to say hi to Fay. She gave me some cups and mugs she no longer wanted and whenever she’s got the TV guide I read the horriblescopes. I can remember reading these from TV guides a few years ago and what they said was true. The only thing it was off on was romance cuz it doesn’t apply to me. I read the horriblescopes from last Sat. to this Sat. It said to keep isolated and distance myself from people, otherwise, they’ll burn me whether I ask for it or not. It was right. The horriblescope from this Saturday to next Saturday was scary, but I figured as much anyway. It said delays and frustrations are right for me now.

Gee, thanks a lot! When is this shit gonna end with food stamps and SS? Taking away my dream of becoming a singer and having lust is enough. Making life one big settlement’s enough, but can’t I eat and pay my bills?! When it’s over, you know it’s over, but I can still sense more trouble ahead. Sometimes I wish I would come down with some terminal disease. One that’d wipe me out quickly and painlessly. I doubt there’s any such way to go, but I have had just way too much physically and mentally. Why can’t I just have one solid year of non-stop happiness and peace? This crap with Rosemarie was one thing. That much I can deal with. I’m so used to it, but give me my God damn food stamps and get SS off my back with their lies and bullshit! That way, settling will be easier and the smaller problems will be more tolerable. I have too many major setbacks which all hit me at once. All can go OK for a while, then I’m hit with several major issues and problems. Space them out and cut them down in size and severity, please God!!

Later…

We’re having a thunder and lightning storm which is awesome. We’re also having a cool spell. It actually feels cool and very comfortable. It’s around 75º but it feels so much cooler. If it were 75º at home, it’d be hot. Probably muggy, too. We do have some humid days here but nothing like back east. Notice how I refer to it as back east, rather than back home. Anyway, it’s very dry now and there’s a fantastic breeze. I always open my two windows and my sliding glass door when it’s windy to air out the place. The storm’s over now but before, during and after a storm it’s very windy.

Now I see what Andy means when he tells me it does get chilly in the winter. Too chilly to swim and when it gets below 60º it’s chilly. It feels cooler than it actually is but when it’s 110º, you feel it!

My asthma’s doing great. Tomorrow it’s supposed to be only 94º! That’ll feel like 80º and today they said it was 102º. I slept all day, of course. I think I can stand to turn off my AC tonight, or at least push it way up. I wish I lived on the 2nd floor so I could sleep with my windows open and have more privacy. I’ll just keep the blinds down. The girl on the second floor next to Andy’s moving out. He’s gonna talk to Stacey, the complex manager, about breaking up the $95 transfer fee in payments over the next year. I doubt she’ll go for it, but we’ll see. I have all the free time in the world so it doesn’t bother me. It’s something to do.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20, 1992 I’ll now write about what happened with Rosemarie and Rick the other night. I was already in a bad mood due to that letter from SS. I still hadn’t gotten ahold of my dad yet at that time. I was making coffee when there was a knock on my door. It was Rosemarie. Apparently, Rick was hiding around the corner cuz at that time I didn’t see him. I guess she felt she needed his protection. She said she came to “set me straight.” I told her she did that a month ago when she told me she wanted nothing to do with me. She was the one who went from claiming to be so open-minded and accepting to being unable to accept people who aren’t just like her. She stabbed me in the back and prejudged and misjudged me.

Then she said she heard I was running around telling people I want her body. That’s bullshit, of course, as I’ve only told Andy, Fay and Ellie and I don’t see why they would tell the whole complex this. She also said something about me saying she was beating the shit out of me. I have no idea about that one either, but I just hope I didn’t misunderstand what was really her threatening me and me not jumping her for it, with or without Rick’s protection. She said not to leave letters on their door. Well, of course, I know all about that one but denied it, even though a red flat with Fay’s name went up on that one. Could she have told her about that? Would she tell her about that?

She added that she and Rick are fighting, though I don’t know what this has to do with me. I told her they’re all worked up over nothing, and their paranoia and fighting is their problem, not mine.

Then she said, “So, you’re saying she’s lying?”

I asked who’s “she” and she said she couldn’t say cuz she promised she wouldn’t say her name.

Yeah, sure. Whatever. It was probably Fay she misunderstood or something unless now it’s Fay’s turn to turn into a backstabber. Anyway, they made up everything except the letter, which I denied, of course.

Then as I opened the door and she was leaving, Rick appeared. He said, “I’m bothered, but I do understand your fantasy. Leave us alone. Don’t hang by the pool, don’t lurk.”

I said that I don’t “lurk” and if I want to swim in the pool, that’s my choice and my right. And sure he understands my “fantasy!”

Then they left. I’m sure the reason why they never attacked me was cuz they didn’t know how it’d come back on them by way of management or the cops. Plus, I know where they live. They sure as hell pissed me off. Big time. I was already in the foul and shittiest mood and I snapped. I’m sick of being the nice one, not asking for the shit I get, and people getting away with giving it to me. I wanted to show them who they were dealing with and who they just pissed off and over the edge.

As I opened my door to walk out, Dave the security guard was there. He said he was just coming to knock on my door and I told him exactly what happened. Then as I headed over to their place, my anger building more and more, his supervisor heard it all over the walkie-talkie and thought I was trying to commit suicide. I was really throwing rocks up to their place yelling for them to come down and face me again. I was so pissed! I really wanted to fight and get my anger out! It would’ve been on the right people, too. I know they heard me, but they never had the guts to open their door. Again, even though I wasn’t threatened (at least I don’t think I was), I was so pissed and wanted their asses so bad. I was sick of being shit on. Maybe I should’ve gone up and tried kicking their door down, even if I would’ve gotten arrested.

Then I headed back to my place and Dave followed. We talked and he began to calm me down. He said he understood I’m not usually like this and knew I’d never go off like that without a good reason. He said, “Smoke your cigarette and calm down. You’re doing well. I’ll get you a glass of water.”

So then two cops came and they were very friendly and I told them what happened. They said not to worry and that all will work out fine. Gee, I hope so cuz I’m really, really sick of this shit with the people here!

I saw him earlier tonight and he gave me a hug as I thanked him for talking with me.

Now I really, really mean it when I say no more friends other than the people I already know! I’m not talking to any new people. And now I have to try to figure out if Fay really is a friend or not. How else would Rosemarie know it was me who left the note on the door unless she or Rick saw me?

After I go make coffee, I do have more to write about concerning Kara.

Later…

Everything on TV was boring tonight, so now I’ll write about Kara. She came over and asked if I was OK and she told me she saw 3 cruisers pull up. I told her what happened and we ended up having a long, very nice talk. Between her and her mom and sister, I always took a liking to her most of all. I could sense she was the most open one of them all and the easiest to talk to. I could sense she and her sister were complete opposites like me and my sister. She told me her sister is a bitch and they were never close. She also says Stacey’s not very dependable. As in babysitting. I told her to tell Stacey to tell me if she’s not interested in a babysitter flat out, rather than leave me hanging.

I also wonder about the other Stacey, too. If I don’t hear from her in a week or so, I’ll call her. I will tell her just the same. “Tell me you’re not interested, but do not lead me on, keeping me wondering and waiting.”

Kara and her mom are moving across the street to a 2-bedroom apartment at the Via El Camino complex. She told me she’d always need me to babysit here and there, but especially so if she gets a job.

I also had another “sense” about Kara. When I told her why Rosemarie shit on me, I told her she could run out, too. I’m used to it. She said she knew gay people back in Michigan where she’s from as well as here and that she’s slept with women, too. Mostly during threesomes. I told her I wasn’t shocked. I sensed it. She also said she’s got a good 6th sense and she suspected I was gay. It’s funny how in the bars they all swear I’m straight, yet more and more people outside of bars tell me they’ve suspected me. And you know I look far from dyky. Maybe it’s my muscle tone and firm “don’t fuck with me” attitude I give off at the same time I give off an open, sensitive attitude and have a sense of humor. I know she’s bi, but she’s more into men. The funny thing about Kara is that she’s plain and homely, but she’s not. I don’t know why but I constantly think of her. Naturally, I’d never ever dare tell her. I know she’d never turn around and punch me out, but I’d still never tell her. It’s my secret and she’s more into men and could think I’m ugly for all I know.

She did ask if I’d like to go out to this place near the Metro Center. A place with pinball games and stuff like that.

She said anytime I need to talk, she’s there. I was so afraid and so hesitant about being her friend and she said she understood why. I said I hope our friendship does stick and she said it’ll stick with utter confidence. That’s cool and I really do like her and appreciated her talking with me. She came over a few days ago too, to visit with me.

I’m gonna go out on my porch and have a smoke. I really shouldn’t smoke in the apartment.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19, 1992 My God, I cannot believe all the things that have happened since I last wrote! In less than 24 hours my whole world turned upside down once again. There’s always one problem after another that I don’t ask for. Mainly with money and backstabbing people. I’m cursed no matter where I live but the problems are mainly food and money. I’ve been so damn happy here otherwise, so why can’t whatever’s cursing me leave me alone?

Upon arriving here in Arizona, I had a horrible vibe about money and food. It’s like I could hear something telling me it’ll only allow me so much to eat. Enjoy food when you’ve got it cuz it won’t last long. Something’s out to starve me and get me real good. The only thing I can think of as to why this is happening is cuz I billed a couple of calls to Gloria, but the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. What happened with Rick and Rosemarie is enough. Why keep me with money problems, very little for me to eat, and keep the food stamps stalling? Gloria’s fucking rich!

Rosemarie’s a bitch who’s no surprise. I mean, typical happenings with the ones I’m attracted to and I’m used to that. But sex with Rosemarie or other gorgeous women isn’t a necessity. Food is. And paying the rent and the electric bill.

Ellie never came to my door like she said she would and I fell asleep at 9 AM. Kara knocked on my door asking me if I could babysit her daughter Ashley from 2:00 - 3:30. I said I would and she went to a job interview. I was psyched, and she gave me $10 in food stamps.

I woke up in a fine mood even though I was quite hungry.

I told her I was gonna go check my mail, then get the baby. As I walked closer to my mailbox, my hopes for any food stamps began to fade. A bad vibe came on stronger. I knew they were gonna come after my SS check! They pulled the same shit they pulled when I moved to CT. They say I’m overpaid and are gonna snatch $231 out of my $426! But I never even was overpaid. Then they said I didn’t tell them I was moving in time to prevent the overpayment. Also, they proved that me paying the money back wouldn’t put a financial hardship on me. Ha! How do you call using $200 to pay rent of $277, the electric bill and food no financial hardship? Oh yeah, that’s really easy.

These people are fucking fucked in the head and they don’t give a shit about no one but themselves and taking away people’s money to spend it on garbage. The food stamp people only care about minorities and single mothers.

While I babysat Ashley I sat there crying, wishing I could enjoy my happiness here without worrying constantly about food and money. Wishing I could drop dead so as not to worry about being able to eat, pay bills, depend on others for help and live a second-best life. Life is one big settlement. Any curse here is better than being in Norwich. However, I feel like life’s one big sentence and I’m just waiting till my time’s up. Whatever it is up there took away my music and I’ll never have real serious lust, but why this? Can’t I have smaller problems less often? Can’t I eat OK and pay my bills easily enough? Kara gave me a couple of TV dinners and I tried calling mom and dad. As usual, when it’s urgent and you really need them, they’re not home. If you’re happy and just gonna say hi, they answer. Next time something important comes up, I won’t even bother calling right away. And with one curse after another, I know it won’t stop at this point. I finally did get in touch with my parents at around 8:30 my time. Dad answered and I told him the whole story. I told him I’d send him a photocopy of the bullshit letter from SS. He said not to worry and that it was a minor problem he can take care of. He said let them take it out of my check and he’ll send me some money. Meanwhile, he said to call the food stamp people and tell them I need my food stamps.

But I’ve been doing that since June 9th!

I have tons and tons more to write about, but I am way too tired. I’m sneezing my ass off and I hope I’m not coming down with anything. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Also, I think Terros is coming out.

Later…

I am here now at Dr. Karius’ office and I guess it’s a good thing I brought this journal. The receptionist told me he’s way behind.

I never could fall asleep last night till nearly 6 AM. I couldn’t stop sneezing. I got up and took some Suditab my mom sent me, then fell asleep. Right now, I am still very tired. I kept waking up constantly. Every hour or so. I’m not sneezing too much now but my eyes are a little swollen and puffy even though Andy says they’re perfectly white.

I still haven’t gotten my food stamps today but am I surprised?

I left off last night with my talk with my dad. After I ask the receptionist if there’s a place around here where I can get some coffee and a bite to eat, I’ll continue with Rosemarie and Kara.

Later…

I am home now, thank God. I was at the doctor’s for so long. Around two hours. The doctor said never to make appointments on a Wednesday. Shouldn’t he have told me this before?

Hunter’s going on now so I’ll write when it’s over.

Later…

We’re having a humongous thunder and lightning storm now.

There’s not much to say about the doctor’s visit. But he did say there’s still a funny discharge. I’ll call in a week to find out the results of the pap smear. It certainly didn’t tickle and I was bleeding afterward. He said that can happen.

I weigh 99 pounds. He also filled my prescriptions. They filled out my TAP form and photocopied that letter from SS. I hope it’s not raining inside the mailbox I threw it in.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18, 1992 I am not in the best of moods right now. Two other people I know got their food stamps. What in the hell is going on with me? Why do they continue to do this to me? I can’t keep eating only soup and crackers on a daily basis! If the food stamp people still plan on never sending me my stamps, I’ll starve cuz for all I know my next babysitting job could be ages from now. I only have a few bucks on me and a little in the bank. That’s got to be used for my electric bill. What did I do to deserve this? Is this compensation for my moving here? Just cuz I moved, God’s got to take away my food? Taking away my singing career and good sex is enough! Can’t I just have enough food to eat every day? Please, God! Take away the singing, take away Rosemarie and other people like her, make them dump on me, but don’t take away my food! Let me eat! Please let them send me my food stamps this week!

The only good news is that I got that journal through priority mail from Kim.

Later…

I thought I’d get up early today, or yesterday, I should say. I thought the lawnmowers would wake me, but I thought wrong. I was actually falling asleep as they were mowing the lawns.

Ellie is gonna wake me up at 1:00 with coffee.

I desperately need to go tanning. I don’t know about that, though. I just heard them say on TV it’ll be 112º tomorrow! I may have to hold off on my deep dark tan until September or October.

Wednesday I have a doctor’s appointment and I sure hope I’m not told anything I don’t want to hear. Andy says he’ll pick up my prescriptions the next day on his way home from work. I hope he remembers. He’s got shit for memory but he claims to be giving up pot for a few months.

I still haven’t made up my mind on whether or not to slip Rosemarie that note. I’m sure I’m wasting my time, and again, if it were meant to be I’d have found that out long ago. I’ll never be able to sleep with a woman as beautiful as she is. With my luck, she’ll refuse to even take the note when I hand it to her. If I do. Hey, why not one of these days? So what if I know it’ll come to nothing. The game of it is still fun.

Later…

Speaking of notes, I almost forgot to mention what Andy did. He delivered the same note Mark got to Rosemarie. At 11:30 or so, he was out taking a walk and he taped it to their door. Fay said she thinks Rick leaves before Rosemarie and I hope she’s wrong. I hope she gets it, but even if she doesn’t, naturally she’ll hear all about it. What a confusing way to start off your morning, regardless of who gets it first!

MONDAY, AUGUST 17, 1992 I can’t sleep so I figured now’s a good time to write. I still have some updating to do. Well, my sister’s 35 now. I guess she, Bill and the girls will be home in a few days. I sent out a letter to Becky and now I’ve got to get one out to Lisa, Tammy and my parents.

When in the hell will I get the rest of my picture collection sent to me?

Stacey, Justin’s mom, got fired from her job last Monday. She still says she and her husband will need a regular babysitter. She says she’ll let me know when she needs me to babysit. The other Stacey said that too, and I hope they both hurry the hell up. I need the money. I swear God’s out to starve me! He just doesn’t want me eating on a normal and regular basis. But why? I still don’t believe I’ll ever get food stamps till I see it. It’s been 3 months now. Why are they doing this to me? Last Friday I got the form to sign from the woman who did my phone interview. I signed it and enclosed a rent receipt and my electric bill stub. I mailed it out that day. I’ve done all that’s required of me, yet for all I know, they’ll wait another 3 months. Even a whole month is too long unless I can babysit.

I learned how to use the grills here, which is easy. Very convenient, too. No dirty frying pan to clean after I make a hamburger.

I ran into Ellie that night and I played with her head a bit and teased her. She also trimmed my hair at midnight on the 16th. I had her take off 2”, trim my bangs, and blend my antlers, as I call them, to make it look better as it grows out. She did a very nice job and of course, my hair is now in shock. If you only trim your hair once or twice a year, it will go into shock. It appears 3 or even 4 inches shorter, but the great thing about it is, is that in only a week it’ll be back where it was. Then, it’ll fly. I mean, it’ll grow so fast. When my birthday comes, I’ll be sitting on it without having to put my head back. It’s still very very very curly. Spirally curly. When I pull the curls straight, it is 4” longer. Pulled straight, it was to the crack of my ass before she trimmed it. Now when you pull it straight it’s at my waist. Let go of it and let it curl up and it’s just above the waist. Mark and Andy said they didn’t notice it at all. Maybe that was cuz I had it all brushed out.

Later…

Now to finish the sick, cruel, mean and unfair Rosemarie story. Typical, though, cuz this is what I always get from the ones I feel a “spark” with. It comes as no real surprise to me. I asked for it by wasting my time with her and set myself up for what happened but it was fun till I got burned.

After I gave Rosemarie a piece of my mind for dumping on me, Stephanie jumped in the pool when I jumped in with her. She asked me what was up and I said, “That goddamn mother-fucking son of a bitch!” She asked me who I was referring to and I gestured towards Rosemarie and said, “That one!”

Then I told Stephanie and Harriett what happened. Right away Stephanie understood, but Harriett was sort of holding it against me, saying something about me having a lot of anger. Yes, I did, and I had reason to, as I pointed out. Then she asked me if I always take my anger and misery out on everyone, though I don’t know who she thought I was supposed to be taking it out on. I thought, gee, here we go with another winner out to judge a person and a situation they don’t even know. Just as I was saying, “Hey, you don’t even know me or what happened” (I was actually talking to Steph), Stephanie defended me and told Harriett that she’d be pissed and go off, too. Afterward, I did chat with Harriett and it was nice. I’d never want to be buddies with her, though.

Rosemarie heard everything we said and eventually got up to leave, never once saying a word or even looking at me. Stephanie, Harriett and I were yelling out all kinds of weird shit along the way.

I still think she was influenced by Rick (probably cuz he knew I wouldn’t include him in the sex I wanted to have with her). If she were single and living alone, then just maybe she’d have a mind of her own. For now, I’ll never know what she’s really thinking and feeling. I doubt I ever will, either.

Later…

Since I still can’t sleep, I’ll finish with Rosemarie. I’m pissed that my schedule’s all fucked up again. For the last two days, I tried setting my alarm to get up earlier, but it never worked. The hard part is pulling myself out of bed. If I could just pull myself up out of bed, have a bite to eat and some coffee, I’ll be OK. Tired, but at least I’ll be up. Then I can go lie out and relax by the pool all day. Or as long as I can stand it. It’s hot. I mean, really fucking hot! I’m losing all my color too, and that pisses me off. Tanning will be easier and more tolerable in a month or two from now when it gets cooler. I do have my Walkman and nothing to do tomorrow.

Andy and I went out for Chinese food earlier and I withdrew a little money. I need my food stamps!

He and another gay guy he works with were gonna go out to a bar, but I guess they never did. He mentioned doing karaoke tomorrow night but he’s got to have dinner with his friend Anita who’s moving to Florida. I hear she hates it here, mainly cuz of the people. Andy and several others have said the same thing. That compared to several other states, Arizona has the worst people. People come off as friendly at first, then they stab you in the back. Donna and Rosemarie are perfect examples, but I say people are screwed up everywhere. There are sick, cruel, vindictive, insensitive, narrow-minded, stupid and judgmental people all over the world. Again, leave it to those who are pretty and emotionally and financially stable to screw you up and over. On the other hand, I really believe that people like Donna and Rosemarie are what you call “great pretenders.” They’re the ones who do the best job of seeming as if they’ve got their shit 100% together. Rosemarie has no backbone of her own. She’s got to kiss society’s ass as well as her boyfriend’s. If she really is curious and or not completely happy with Rick, why doesn’t she leave? Or say how she feels? Is it that difficult? I’m 98% sure she can support her own self and she seems like she could survive on her own. She does not seem like the so-called desperate type.

Why can’t people associate with those who are different? Can’t she tell herself, “OK I’m not into what she’s into, but she’s who she is and I’m who I am, just be friends,” and that’s it?

Life would be too boring if we all were the same and did the same thing, said the same thing, thought the same thing, wore the same clothes, did the same job. What’s wrong with variety?

Rosemarie and Rick had claimed they were so open, accepting and fascinated with all types of people. Ha, Ha. Donna said the same thing.

Fay spoke to Rosemarie in the laundry room and I guess the fear of AIDS came up. Fay simply reminded Rosemarie that straights can get AIDS, too. And straight women are more at risk than gay women. Fay said Rosemarie said she felt bad and didn’t mean to hurt me. Also that Rick was in fear of losing her and she’s in fear of Rick as he supposedly beat up some other girl. She really did want to come and see me, she claims, but Rick was watching her like a hawk. Lastly, she’d communicate with me through Fay, and for now, I shouldn’t say hi to her at the pool cuz of Rick.

So the next night at 10:00, Fay and Rosemarie were to meet in the laundry room. Fay waited half an hour and she never showed up. At 10:45 I went to the pool and made it look like I was looking for someone. I saw Rosemarie and Rick outside their door. It seemed as if they were arguing, but I couldn’t make out any words. I ran and told Fay, who said they do have their fights.

The next day Fay told me that shortly after that, they both showed up at her door. Rosemarie had changed her story and went along with Rick. Fay said Rosemarie was kissing Rick’s ass but agrees that she may handle things differently without Rick in the picture. I told Fay I already figured as much. Fay also said that if I were straight, Rick would have no fear of me hanging around with her. Also, if I were bi, I may have been able to go in on a threesome with them. God only knows there are plenty of folks into that scene.

One day while I was tanning I saw Rick as he was walking by. Shockingly, he did say hi. Then the Saturday before last, Rosemarie was leaving the pool area as I was walking in. She shocked the shit out of me and said, “That’s a pretty bathing suit.” My head told me to tell her to fuck off, go to hell and die. My heart was jumping for joy and I said thanked her while I tried to hide the grin on my face.

It’s so hard when it comes to the ultimate attraction like this, but not as hard as it used to be. Once similar situations happen over and over, they get easier to deal with. I’ve been dumped numerous times and they were all usually by the beautiful ones. You do get used to it and immune to crying really badly. You learn to pretty much expect it. Back when I knew Mary, Norah and Nissan, them dumping on me was very hard on me. I was young and still inexperienced as far as being dumped was concerned. Now it’s far from anything new.

I must get a bite to eat.

Later…

God, I wish I was just waking up. When I do fall asleep, not sleeping too late should be easy. Monday’s the day they mow all the lawns at 6 AM.

I wonder if I should slip Rosemarie a note? I’d probably be wasting my time, but once again, the chase is fun. It can be a fun game if you make it that way. Wondering is fun even though I’d die to get her in bed just once. Ellie says that once you get that ultimate attraction, you won’t want it anymore. Sort of like the end of the race at that point. I hope she’s right and if so, I especially hope I get it soon. Yes, I know I am only dreaming when I say that. Maybe in my next life. I have a note written up anyway. In it, I ask if we can meet up in the laundry room at 10:00 tonight. I don’t know exactly when and if I’ll really ever give it to her. We’ll see.

God, just send her to me! Have her tell me she’s curious to try it once but to never tell anyone. I can keep a secret. Other than with Andy, of course.

My fortune cookie last night said a letter of great importance will come in the mail. It better be good and about my food stamps! I hope I get some letters and packages. I also hope Kim lives up to her promises of a letter, a journal, and blank tapes. I still have tons of editing to do.

I’m also gonna get 3 people in trouble. Donna, cuz I can’t stand her, and 2 others who have cats. They live on the 1st and 2nd floors where they’re not allowed. Donna’s got blinds hanging up on her patio to block the sun. Those are not allowed. Why should everyone else be allowed to break the rules while I was forced to give up my cat?

Well, I guess I’ll try to get some sleep now.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15, 1992 I don’t think I’ll write too much tonight as I am kind of tired. That’s good, though.

I got another job from another girl here named Stacey. This job seems like it oughta be better than babysitting for Justin. By the way, she’s from Taxachusetts, too. Haverhill, which is about a half-hour from Boston. She says she’s very flexible and I will be working at night for her. She may need me to clean and babysit her 13-month-old son on Saturday nights when she goes out. She works for MCI and has very little free time so she goes out on Saturday nights usually from 7 PM - 1 AM.

Soon I can get a phone and do some very serious shopping. Andy and I did go to the mall earlier and I bought 3 new journals. I also got cigarettes and some ice cream.

I hope I fall asleep by 3:00 and can get up at 11:00 or noon. I need my tan back!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1992 Two days ago was my parent’s anniversary and I asked Dad, when I spoke to them on the phone, how many years it’s been. Dad said 41 years and I said, “Wow, 41 years with the same person!”

Dad said, “Yeah, I gotta get used to it.”

Ma said, “And almost 27 years with the same daughter.”

Well, at least I got one thing in my favor over Tammy. She’s been Tammy’s mom for 8 years longer than mine.

Who can I send the hair I got to? There’s enough to send to a few people. I’ll mail Nervous Dad’s letter and perhaps mail Bob’s letter to either Rosemarie or Donna. It was the same letter I stuck on Mark’s door.

When you’re just hanging around talking to Mark, he’s a good guy. If he’s drinking or with his friends, they’re all weird together.

I took an old address book over and asked him if he knew anything about it. I said I found it by my door. I did it cuz he never asked me about the letter. I knew this would bring up the subject and it did. He said it had his name in it, along with Michelle’s (some chick he screws), and he read it and had no idea what the hell it was. I asked him if I could have it to play a joke on Andy. Sure, he said.

I don’t know Rosemarie’s or Rick’s last name, but I sure wish I knew that along with their phone number and Ellie’s. I’ll get Ellie’s eventually.

One of Mark’s friends says he’s moving back to Texas and he may give me a small table for my porch. It’ll be nice to do my writing out there once the weather cools off and becomes more bearable. I don’t know. You know I never buy anything unless I see it. I may eventually buy a medium-sized color TV for $25 from Mark. We’ll see.

I still have so much writing to do even though I’ve got tons of other stuff to do. I want to get letters out to Tammy, Becky and Lisa so they’ll all have them when they get home. I guess they’ll be home on the 20th, according to Tammy.

Because I slept till 3:30 PM, I’ll be up till around 9 AM and I’ll only get a few hours of sleep. I want to get up and call the bank to inquire about my balance and also I must get on with my tan. I promised to be very dark by now and I’m not. It’s hard to keep patient about it and tolerate the heat. It’ll be about 107º tomorrow. I think in a month or two from now, it’ll be much easier to tolerate tanning.

Even though I will be exhausted, at least I can make money under the table, at home. The hard part tomorrow will be pulling myself up out of bed. If I can just do that at noon, take my meds, and have coffee, I can lie down, close my eyes and relax at the pool. I’ll take my Walkman which has fresh batteries. Andy took it to use on the plane and he put new batteries in it. I still have to get batteries for my wall clocks here. Once you put them in, they last forever. My flashlight will need some, too.

So, the only stressful part of tomorrow is chasing the kid all over here trying to keep him out of my stuff, but at least I’ll be paid tomorrow. The first day he was OK and he took a nap for an hour and a half. When he woke up he cried for an hour or so. The last time the little beast cried for 3 hours. I couldn’t shut it up and I have no idea in hell how people do it on a regular basis whether they’re single or not. It’s not worth it and it makes me wonder how and why I wanted one for a while. First, there’s the physical part of it. The morning sickness, the labor, delivery, being forever fatter, and the baby blues. Then there’s the screaming and crying while you never can sleep and are tied down unable to go anywhere while they trash your place and cost thousands and thousands of dollars.

Well, it is at home, under the table. I need the money and it’s not my kid. I told Stacey that I’ll only take him from 4 PM-8:30 PM, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I’ll do a very occasional Saturday. It’ll be around $130 a month and they’ll be paying me weekly. She said it’s $30 a week no matter what unless I do more than that. This week I’ll get a bit more.

When Andy came back he said, “Remember your $150 debt with me? Well, that’s over now.” Now he’s paying me around $40 monthly to clean.

My food stamps will be about $111 whenever the hell they get here. The lady there is sending me a form to sign and I must send her a rent receipt and a copy of the electric bill. That was only $55 this month. I have a doctor’s appointment next Wednesday at 4:45 PM, and I’ll bring that phone form to him.

I’m no longer cleaning for Ellie as she’s a sorry, bitchy paranoid nut with a million problems. She goes on and on for hours complaining about this and that. She says she’s gonna die and that there are 5 organizations after her. She’s another one who goes back on her word and says I never said things I really did say. First, she swore she could afford to pay me $100 a month to clean for her and now she’s sorry she said that. Her son needs her money yet her son hates her and never comes to see her. She bitches and complains about how I clean and she’s always argumentative. One minute she’ll apologize for being a bitch, then she’s bitchy all over again.

Dave, the security guard and I were laughing about some of her delusions. The things she hears and sees. GI Joe, the physician, management putting petroleum through her vents to kill her like a cockroach along with those 5 organizations. She really is funny and you can have a field day playing with her head at the pool. You just wouldn’t want her at your apartment and you wouldn’t want to clean hers. Every so often I’ll go over to her place to play with her head.

I need to take my meds, eat and have some coffee. Maybe listen to music, too.

Later…

I’ve got to ask Andy to take me to the Metro Mall so I can buy more journals. I spoke to Kim who swears she’s sending me a blank journal she has, a letter and some blanks to make her funny tapes with. Edits, the complex argument, and other conversations with Bob and I.

She also says that next year she wants to travel across the country and she’ll see me when she does.

I guess Mark’s moving out but she’s not sure if she’s staying there on Elm St. She said she’ll let me know if she moves and I told her that I’ll mail her my number when I get a phone.

I still have other odds and ends I must buy. Like a pail for the kitchen, and I once saw a $14 electric typewriter at the thrift store that I’d like. As soon as I get money saved, I’m going shopping! If I got an electric typewriter, then Mom and Dad could keep my portable one and not bother to ship it. It isn’t the greatest typewriter. You have to really slam the keys down and my fingers always fall through the keys. Between them, I mean, and I cut my fingers. Electric ones have a closed keyboard.

I still haven’t contacted Jessie, Paula or Jai. I sent Jai a wacky letter and maybe I’ll write him a serious one, one of these days. Maybe try to get ahold of Jessie by calling her collect from Andy’s phone. She’ll accept the charges. I wonder if Steve moved and if he’s made any attempts to contact me. I’m sure Ann Marie has tried calling. Ha, ha to her! Bet she never thought I’d up and disappear and blow her off!

I am definitely no longer open to any new friendships whatsoever. I’ll keep Fay for now but I must stop being so friendly. If someone starts chatting with me at the pool, I’m just gonna be like yeah, yeah, yeah, till they get the message and screw off. People are so fucked in the head and I really do hate them. The same old pattern goes on where I’m either the dumper or the dumpee.

If I didn’t dump Ellie, she’d have stuck to me like glue forever. All I get are the metal cases while the so-called “better” people dump me. Same old shit. I keep to myself more and more cuz I’m tired of running around dumping people and getting dumped. Also, being dumped on by those that I dump or am dumped by. Rosemarie helped to continue to reinforce it in my head along with Donna and so many other queen snobs and mental cases.

Now for the Rosemarie story which is typical of what I get. Especially from a girl who’s gorgeous and has a good job. She works for some lawyer. She’s the ultimate attraction and she’s doing OK financially and emotionally as far as I can see on the surface. She’s the opposite of the Nervous, Fran and Ellie’s I get with no problem. She’s been steady with Rick but they do have their fights like every couple. I am not in the least bit shocked over what happened. I left off by saying how great my visits were at their place. They made me feel very accepted and welcomed. They said not to think they felt anything less about me cuz I’m gay. Their place was always open to me. They seemed so open and we laughed, joked and had nice talks. Rosemarie said don’t worry about other people being so snobby due to my getting SS. Oh, and she knows what I’m going through.

Does she? When has she ever gotten SS? She has a good job.

After two weeks went by where they seemed to be avoiding me, I caught Rosemarie alone at the pool. I walked up to her and said, “OK, what did I do?”

She said, “You didn’t do anything, but I’m not going to lie to you. We’re kind of religious and I thought about it and I decided I don’t want to have your type around.”

Can you believe how quickly people change? From white to black, instantly. And doesn’t religion teach people to accept everybody as they are? I’ve heard that they do, but then others say it bashes gays. Either way, what’s religion got to do with what we’re attracted to? It shouldn’t matter.

I pointed out that she said the direct opposite; that my gayness wasn’t a problem, and she said that she thought about it after I left.

I wondered if Rick may’ve influenced her. I always got the feeling that he was the type to boss her around.

I asked if we could talk about it and she said she’d rather not. At that point, I said what I had to say anyway. I said, “As far as I’m concerned, any prejudiced person is insecure with themselves. Why do you want people to be just like you? Can’t you be around different types of people? Why throw away good people over who they sleep with? And what’s religion have to do with who you’re sexually attracted to?”

I called her a lying, contradicting, backstabbing bitch and she was silent the whole time I spoke and never said another word. Then, Stephanie and her new roommate Harriett came into the pool as the other pool was closed. I’ll pick up the story from there another time. My hand is killing me.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 13, 1992 Now, I’m going to write about several things before I get very backed up again. I have several things to write about so I may jump from subject to subject as I remember things. Sometimes I find it’s better to write something right away before I forget.

The major topics are Ellie, Rosemarie, Fay and babysitting.

Then there are little things like Ray, the parole officer. He’s going on vacation now for two weeks and he’ll drop by when he returns.

Yesterday I had my unexpected phone interview with a lady at food stamps. Just when I was about to give up after being jerked around for 3 months the notice came in the mail. Know why it took so long? It had been returned to them for postage. That’s welfare for you!

I still have lots of editing and editing down to do. Also, letter writing, and coloring the poster Fay gave me.

I got a couple of packages from Mom and Dad. The other two chairs to my table which are out on my patio, more tanning oil, lotion, napkins, toilet paper, paper towels, baggies, garbage bags, a nice shirt with a floral pattern that fit perfectly, and some coupons. There were 3 small notepads with Barbie on the cover.

Also, a bag with a glob of hair in which Dad taped a note saying, Jodi, I got a haircut, Dad.

I know it’s not his hair cuz this hair was brown. If it was his hair, he’d be bald due to the amount that was there. It’s cute anyway and when I get my hair trimmed, now that I can afford to have Velma trim it, I’ll send some their way.

I got a $10 bill along with Dad’s letter today.

The evening of the 11th I called Florida collect from Andy’s phone while he was out at bingo. I spoke to Mom, Dad and Tammy. The girls and Bill, who I don’t miss, were staying in someone else’s place. I could’ve spoken to the girls, but I’ll write to them.

Tammy said she and Lisa sent out a letter before they left, but I never got it.

Tammy originally told me she left on the 1st. Before, she thought she’d be around during Andy’s week at the beach and she was gonna join him there. Dad said in his letter she was to arrive on the 10th so obviously, she was afraid to tell me. Maybe she decided she didn’t want to visit Andy and thinks I’ll be upset knowing she was there when he was. As you know I wrote in a previous entry how glad I was they wouldn’t get together so they wouldn’t talk too much when I wouldn’t be around to defend myself. If she had really left on the 1st and mailed me a letter before going to Florida, I’d have gotten it by now. If she left on the 10th and mailed it the day before, I should get it tomorrow or the next day.

If everything I just wrote is true and is really what happened, and I do believe I’m right on the money, Tammy will be shocked. I’ll catch her off guard and she’ll be like, gee, how’d she figure all this out? Maybe she is too smart to fool.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 11, 1992 Tonight Reasonable Doubts will be on. Thank God the Olympics are over. Of course, it’s a repeat but Marlee Matlin’s worth it. Someone will surely knock on my door but I won’t answer it. Ellie, Fay or Mark next door will knock. Mark and his friends get drunk and stoned and have nothing to discuss but sex. I’m getting really sick of it, too.

Guess what I found on my door while I was out last week? A card from Ray M, a parole officer. I called the number and asked why I was on parole when I’ve never been to prison. I’m on probation, not parole, but I guess that cuz I came from another state, this is how they do it. Maybe I’ll call his office tomorrow. Or maybe he’ll come here.

Andy had a great week back home. He enjoyed the beach and his cottage after so many years. He saw the M's and Charlotte. Supposedly the M's are friends with his family, and Andy’s aunt Joyce got permission to park in the M's driveway. Then someone supposedly overheard Charlotte saying, “Let’s get this car towed.”

Why? After so many years, I wouldn’t even bother starting shit like that. Why can’t people let dead dogs lie? I never realized Charlotte was that vindictive and was such a grudge-holder. I’ve also been told my folks and Charlotte and Jim had some kind of falling out a few years back and are no longer buddies. What else is new? No friendships seem to last any more than relationships. Is this why they live 90 miles away from each other? Aunt Ruth and Uncle Marty live an hour away, too.

Andy told Char how I love it here and have met lots of people. He said she said that’s good as she heard I had a hard time in CT.

Yeah, I’m sure you did, Char! I’m sure you heard all about it and so much more, thanks to Dureen’s big mouth.

Well, I always knew I was the most talked-about member of my family. That is, regardless of how much is true, blown out of proportion, or total bullshit.

Andy’s friend Brian thought of a great name for Connecticut. We’re so shocked we never thought of it - Connecticunt. When I first met Nervous he told me two great names. Ofelia Cunt and Ivan Cutchacokoff.

During Andy’s trip back east, Nervous and I had a great talk. The best chats we’ve ever had and I fully believe he’ll come visit me someday when he’s got the money and time off from work. He’d come out to visit me long before he’d write a letter. I’ve gotten no letters from anyone. Not my nieces, Tammy, Kim, Bob, Fran or my folks.

I spoke to Fran and Bob, but I wonder if Tammy’s heard anything about Barbara and Debbie’s collect calls? Oh well. Neither of them has yet to get letters from me. I’d like to wait a while till they think I’m long gone out of their lives. Their letters, of course, will have no threats or anything sexual. They just won’t make much sense and will be very confusing.

I have the talks with Nervous and tons of stuff on tape which I gotta edit and edit down. Even Fay spoke to Nervous. First I must edit before I edit down. If you take a 20-minute conversation and the first 10 minutes are boring and erase it, you could be throwing away a few good edits, at least. This is why I edit, then edit down, omitting any boring parts.

MONDAY, AUGUST 10, 1992 A lot has happened in the last 10 days. Both good and not-so-good. I still feel so much happier than I ever have in eons, so that’s worth a lot to me.

Believe it or not, I am now babysitting an 11-month-old boy named Justin. So far he is very well-behaved. Totally the opposite of my niece Sarah who was always crying and fussy. Justin is quite calm and has not cried or broken anything. Right now he is drinking his bottle and I’ve got CDs playing.

Andy came over earlier and he’s gone to the store now to get a few things for both of us.

The food stamps are history and even though I know I’m eligible and by law, they can’t deny me, they have by jerking me around and playing with my head. I filled out a second application and they were supposed to call me with an appointment and they never did. Then, they went ahead and told me they’d send a phone appointment in the mail to do an interview over the phone. That was bullshit, too. If they were gonna give me food stamps they’d have given me them by now. Anything they say, I don’t buy, as they’ve lied to me only about 10 times. They say one thing and then another. They bullshit me by saying they misplaced my application and all kinds of things like that.

I had put ads up in the laundry rooms letting people know I was available for housekeeping and babysitting. Justin lives with his mother, Stacey, who doesn’t live here. Her sister Kara does, though, with her own 8-month-old daughter, Ashley, and their mother. I guess Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 2:00-8:00, I’ll be babysitting and possibly Saturdays, too. I could be making $130 a month and $160 if I babysit on a Saturday.

I’m hungry, so I wish Andy would hurry up and get here.

Last night I left an old letter from Bob on Mark’s door. I wonder if I’ll hear about that. Of course, I’ll be playing dumb and trying not to laugh if I do.

I have several other things to write about later about Rosemarie, Fay and Ellie.

Later…

Justin slept from 5:00-6:30. When he awoke he was crying and still is. So much for this being a peaceful kid. Stacey should be here in half an hour and boy, I can’t wait to hit the pool!

I’ve got to do Ellie’s laundry tonight and mine, too.

[flames-memory]

**__Wednesday__**

So, that’s now. I’m almost done with this drone work. I took this job to get some downtime from BLP. Make some money Kass wouldn’t be looking for. They all kept telling me to make an account, set up auto pays, blah blah blah. I didn’t pay her since that first payment, cuz I only pay cash, and I never delivered the rest! Still, I’m keeping the job. It’s good to be busy and normal for a good part of the day. Well, night. Also good for me. Fewer people.

Max and I will be meeting up later. He’s schedule is different, so late for me. I’m going to go make a cute outfit, so he’ll smile when he sees me. BC Promised to hang out with me before hand, so really, I’m the luckiest. I can’t wait.

**__Movie Night__**

Either Max was early, or I misunderstood. I managed a cute outfit, and went up to chill blueside for a bit. Ran into Stormy and Rad. Steph showed, and I got a little girlie outfit approval, and thanked Steph for the Banana Bread. (BC made a sandwich with it... O,o wth lmao I love her so much)

I met up with Max, and we watched Dune 2 at the cinema by Afterhours. He was so handsome, all shirt and tie heh.

We talked about BC. I don't want to hurt him. He seems to understand, at least in general terms of thers's romantical hijinks afoot wit both of them, and they mean... just everything to me.

Makes me think about Jay, and the other "options" I might have, but I don't know that I want or need anyone else. I guess if I meet someone, and like Max and BC, I'll love them or not. I didn't pick Max, or BC, I just love them, like it or not.

So I'm going to just be happy now, and not "look". Not for "love". I want to look for friends, and find love if it's there. Like with Max and BC.

So, many jokes, much sugar, and several (not enough) kisses later, and I'm pretty sure I saw MOST of the movie. Sitting in Max's lap, well, almost, cuddling with him. No pressure or expectations. Just happy sweet love. Again... like nothing I've done... maybe ever. I mean, even in high school, I don't think I ever felt anything like that. In my experience, Rogue Isles boys were not... romantic.

I guess they gotta come from a powerful crime family to come out as nice as Max

He kissed me good night, at my doorstep. Such an amazing night. I didn't know I could have moments like that.

I shared this with BC... I'm glad she can read what I'm thinking here, understand me better. I messed up so badly there, I want to know she understands, that I haven't used the wrong words somehow, and said things wrong... or save her have to listen to too many long speeches about feelings, heh.

But I forgot about the pictures. I forgot I mentioned them. I don't mind so much that she knows. I hope she never has to see them. To see me like that. I wasn't ashamed when it happened, exactly, but I also didn't ask her to take them, and I certainly didn't ask her to sell them online. At first, I was kind of impressed at the amount of money. That seemed strange. Who pays a bunch of money for porn pictures?

I tried to get back in and get them from the server, but I couldn't access it. I'm not a hacker, what can I say.

And Now.. BC says she's going to get rid of them. Please.. don't let her get hurt, or get in trouble.

I worry, just a little.. that if Kass knows I'm worried about them, that if I draw any attention to them, she might get ideas. Might do something... but really, that's probably not going to happen. Kass would have to FEEL something, feel anger, feel resentment, over me. And I don't believe she has any such strong feelings, not for me. Fearing that drama is just ego, some sick part of me that wants Kass to be mad, to be hurt, to feel something over me leaving, but I don't believe it. Not really. Besides, I'd rather she just forgot all about me. If she did feel something, BC or Max might get hurt, and I don't want that, not for any reason.

[mangoisms]

dc anon here :D i’ll just start by saying holy shit i think we have the same brain because i also thought tee would like dick and steph (absolutely loved that u mentioned jason cuz he’s my silly billy <3). and yeah u get it !!! the entire concept of robin being batman’s light is what she would love about their dynamic. tee is one of those steph stans that jumps at the very mention of batman and robin just to go on a rant aboutt how steph is usually overlooked (and she’s right !!!! #justiceforstephaniebrown)

and FUCK because i also thought miyuki would LOVE constantine. i’ve been thinking abt this since i found out tee likes dc and it’s like u said the mf would enjoy his character sm (petition for tee to get him into the constantine comics). now if we’re talking robins, i honestly don’t know why and i might be biased here because he’s my blorbo but i feel like he’d like damian. don’t ask why. i just feel like he’d enjoy everything about him learning how to live and be a child while accepting the love that his family has for him (damian’s dynamic with dick makes me CRY)

thank u for letting me rant i am so sorry abt this being kinda long but my brain went overdrive when i found out tee is a dc stan. thank u so much for writing this story it’s honestly one of my all time fave fics. i love u and ur work sosososo much ur an icon to all daiya and dc lovers out there <33

YEAHHHHHHHH EXACTLY that is SO real!!!!!! our minds 🤝🤝🤝

ok this also got really long so i’m putting it under the cut just for efficiency’s sake (this is not bad i had so much fun anon THANK YOU)

anyway this is literally us rn

so real.

but yes!!! yes!!! i agree!!!!! tee would be THEE biggest steph defender ever!!!! Tbh i’m thinking about her pets now and i’ve kept the robin specifically vague in terms of batman the snail and robin the betta fish but given actual thought, she would lean toward seeing steph as the particular robin there. so like. robin steph as the betta. batman as the snail. and it just fits their dynamic i think.

(also on the topic of unrecognized robins she would also be a robin!duke defender. i was looking back at dgfh now and she does specifically say that batman has had six robins, so dick, jason, tim, damian, AND steph and duke, though i’m likely missing others in that case but those are the ones i know the most about so yeah. Yeah. you get it anon you just Get It)

(also i toiled endlessly over my decision to have batman be the snail and robin be the betta so with all that said, can i ask, what, if any, thoughts you had on that because tee mentions struggling and that was really me tbh but what do you think?? off the mark?? should it have been switched so batman is the betta and robin is the snail? or it’s totally cool either way??)

(also sorry i am bombarding you but i’m so pleased to have a daiya/dc fan to talk with, genuinely KSJFNEJJDJE and that decision was surprisingly hard!)

OK back on track

I KNOW truthfully i hadn’t given it thought but the more that i think about it, the more i’m like oh yeah he would be a john constantine enjoyer. if only bc constantine is like. an asshole. OSNFNJEJFBEJD.

oh that is. INTERESTING. damian being miyuki’s favorite robin i mean. wow… no anon i get it you have me Thinking Thoughts.

i was thinking about it in the first ask and it did stump me because i think robin dick and robin jason wouldn’t fit him. nor would tim because i do think he’d find him. A Little bit annoying. (but i also think tim and miyuki are a Little similar. at least in terms of like being logic-oriented.) i thought robin steph would be the most likely choice since she is the most. hm. belligerent of them? that’s not the right word but. you get me. like it’s. Steph. OSJDJJDND.

but damian… i hadn’t thought of it at all but genuinely i think you’re right. he has that edge to him that would be appealing but also. The Journey. like you said. of being able to relax and grow in a mostly good environment. yeah… YEAH… ok that really does it for me because i do particularly like the thought of having like teen miyuki be like. I am not here to make friends. There is only baseball ever. But then like kuramochi and eijun stick with him even after graduation and are like You are so annoying. We love you and we are not going to abandon you. And adult miyuki Understands. Suddenly. That there is baseball but also… Friends. And baseball is not forever…. Yes. Yes!!!!!!!! excellent excellent thought anon that is so good thank you for putting that in my brain

i should thank you!!!!!! this got. Very Long. but it’s just so fun ^_^ and i don’t mind at all talking about it!!!!! especially when you have so many good ideas like really this was enlightening!!!!! truly!!!!! ^_^

thank YOU for reading and i’m so happy to hear you’re enjoying everything!!! like i said a lot of my stuff is self indulgent so i’m happy if anyone else also finds it well-suited to them and enjoys it even more bc of that. anon i love u and these lovely asks for scratching that particular dc/daiya itch!!! <333 thank you again hehe 🫶🫶🫶

[galla02006]

One of my favorite Maribat fics are definitely male Marinette and female Damian (genderbending) and it’s really a pity there aren’t a lot of them.

I've got this idea in my head for a while so here we go

So Mari (Marin) has been living in Gotham for a while and he’s been dating Dami (Dahlia) in secret ( I imagine Chloe (Claude) and Jon (Jess) are the only ones to know though)

They’re like 24/25, and they've probably been dating for like two years at this point.

the batboys and girls have noticed Dami acting weird sometimes, but it wasn’t anything they thought of seriously until Dami wanted to move out for no reason other than ‘i need my own personal space’ to say everyone was caught off guard was an understatement, they were utterly Shocked but they respected it.

So Dami moves out and into an apartment with Marin, and like I said before, no one knows they’re dating other than Claude and Jess (I imagine something happing between them too if Ya know what I mean :’3) anyways, it gets harder to hide their relationship from her family since they live together but it's totally worth it.

I imagine all these different scenarios, like a house/apartment warming part with her family and Marin having to hide in his office just to avoid them, them casually dropping in Unannounced, and Marin and Dahlia having to get creative with hiding him, and she has to come up with excuses about why there are two glasses of wine out, or who she was talking to, etc.

This goes on for six months before someone figures it out, and it's the girls because I say so UwU.

I imagine, they felt that Dahlia was hiding something from them (call it sisters intuition) and they went to investigate, it didn’t take long for them to figure it out, they, of course, felt a bit of betrayal, but after they got to know Marin and his perfection they understood the reason Dahlia didn’t want him to meet their family, they would probably act like total idiots (Dick, Jason, Tim, Bruce. Alfred, of course, knew. I don't know much about Duke so I'll just not add him but you can imagine he found out with the girls, cuz why not)

Let's time skip a few months cuz why not, This how I imagine the guys find out about Daminette.

So it's another rogue attack and scarecrow manages to inject Robin with the new fear toxin, blah, blah, blah, they beat him, blah, blah, blah, they get back to the cave, they give her the antidote and take some blood when she's passed out to make sure the toxin is out of her system, and when the results are back, bam, she's pregnant, the boys are shocked af and run it three more times and when it comes back the same every time they freak and as soon as she's awake they start interrogating her, Dahlia at first is confused since she didn’t know, so the guys had to stop for a second to look at each other then back at her and tell her she was pregnant, the first thing her face showed was shock then it turned as red as Marin’s Scarlet bug suit, back to the boys and their shocked faces, seeing their sister/daughter with an embarrassed expression was not something they expected, Bruce, Dick, and Jason thought they were injected with the new fear toxin, Tim just thought he was hallucinating from lack of sleep. anyways after about 5 minutes of that, they snap out of it and start asking questions again, and Dahlia seeing no way out of it finally tells them about Marin. To say they were shocked was yet again, an understatement, Queue The boys breaking out into a shocked debate/argument and low key acting like idiots. Also, queue the girls walking in and being confused af,

Barbara: “what's going on?”

Tim low key in denial this is even reality drinking coffee: “Deamon Spawn’s pregnant.”

The girls: “what!? You're pregnant!? :D”

Steph “it’s Marins, right? :’3)

Dahlia: “OF COURSE IT’S MARINS!”

Steph “sheesh, I was joking :P”

Bruce, Dick, Jason: “YOU KNEW!”

Time skip #2

She tells Mari, blah, blah, blah, Marin meets the fam, blah, blah, blah, they have baby, blah, blah, blah, they get married.

The end

Sorry for the rushed ending, I really didn't feel like writing it :P

(This is how I imagine the apartment just with different colors)

If anyone ever reads or has read something similar please @ me (doesn't have to be genderbend)

[anothertimdrakestan]

Batfam Reactions To Watching Avatar The Last Airbender

req: “Hi I was wondering if you could write the boys reactions to watching Avatar: The last airbender for the first time?” (anon)

YES! THIS IS TOO CUTE!

- long story short, Dami got hurt during patrol and to make sure he didn’t sneak out the entire family had to settle in for a movie night

- you made the epic recommendation to watch ATLA and yall basically binge watched it for a week while Dami healed, here are each of the boys reactions

Damian

- this mfer grumbled that it was stupid and gave Katara shit for being a bad waterbender at the beginning, especially the first episode

- he was hardcore crushing on her at the end specifically her fire nation outfit and that she learned how to blood bend, he’s a simp for powerful women what can i say

- during the first season he was pretty stoic and annoyed, blame it on the painkillers

- second season he was gettin’ into it, flinching with the epic fight scenes, calling himself the batfamily Toph, he let a rogue tear slip during leaves from the vine and no one noticed but you and Dick

- he got extra cuddles that night

- he lost his fucking shit during appas lost days- like full on screaming about appa and burrying his head in your chest while you quietly tell him appa will be okay

- he denies all of this too this day though (of course) but he loved it, and you’ll hear him humming leaves from the vine when he thinks his comm is off now on patrol

Cass

- she wasn’t really paying attention to the show at the beginning,  more soaking in the family bonding moment and spending each night sitting next to a different person to understand more about them

- she liked watching tim because he gets really into it but steph is also a fun watching buddy because her reactions are sooo intense it’s like watching a movie watch a movie

- a month after showing Cass she came up to you with all these epic fan canon ideas for the future or the past, talking about what the avatar state meant and spewing crazy little facts you thought no one noticed

- turns out it’s her comfort show now, she watches it to remind her of Jason’s shitty sex jokes, Dick’s screeches, you’re silent tears, Babs failed plot predictions, and everything else from the week were for one you were all just kids

Tim

- For some reason I just think Tim’s seen it before

- he’s your buddy for laughing at his sibling’s reactions when you both know what’s coming

- the giddy smile he gives you before Katara does the epic water frozen save on Azula or Aang yeets into the avatar state

- him and cass are your lore buddies, you’ve all got all these crazy awesome ideas about the plot and what-not

- Tim crushes on Zuko hardcore, like that scene where he throws off his robe Tim’s cheeks are completely flushed, eyes stuck to the screen and you’re dying laughing

- sometimes you’ll come into the batcave and tim will be working while ATLA plays in the background and you’ll both silently rewatch it together making little quips about a funny moment from when the family watched it together it’s all so wholesome

Steph:

- Steph is a Sokka simp and you can’t tell me otherwise

- she’d pass out when his hair is down and everyone would roll their eyes

- she’d buy a boomerang for patrol and bruce would give a hard no but you can find her throwing it at shrubbery when bruce is out

- She also thinks Tai Lee is adorable and deserves the world

- “EVERYONE SLEEPS ON THE NON BENDERS OKAY SUKI COULD GET IT”

- “steph you came into my room at 5am for this?”

- steph honestly just says the thoughts we all have, when watching she’s totally immersed and falls for all the jumps and scary moments- her and dick are constantly being told to shut up while you die laughing at their reactions

Jason:

- dick basically had to chain him to the couch to watch at the beginning, he’d claim he had better stuff to do but eventually he’d be the one dragging people to the couch for the next episode

- would develop a bromance with zuko in season three

- convinced he’s a firebender and plays with wayyy too many lighters for a week to bruce’s concern

- thinks Mai is hot as fuck but claims he wouldn’t date her “cuz bro code” with his new imaginary best friend

- Roy comes by actually asking if he can meet zuko that’s how much jason talks about him it’s so cute

Babs:

- she’d slip in and out of watching while doing research or helping bruce during patrol, so she’d always sit next to you while you refreshed her during the episodes she caught

- she’d think aang was adorable and would try to convince dami to shave his head and get an arrow tattoo cuz he’d be cute

- she’d be the one to bring everyone water and sandwiches from alfie when you’ve all been binging for hours

- everyone needs a babs when they do a 3 season binge in a week, everyone say thank you babs RIGHT NOW hehehe

Dick:

- he’d be the one who got everyone there and he’d love being surrounded by his family

- granted, it was painful at first, giving constant death glares to dami and jason when they tried to get up and trying to get you to reveal plot secrets while you giggle, but in the end he was loving it

- he’d be crying 24/7

- when Mai and Tai Lee attack Azula and give the speech about loving Zuko more than Mai feared Azula he’s be screeching “GO OFF QUEEN YEAH SIS” while everyone tells him to shut up

- he’s a cabbage man stan and I love him for it

- his favorite season was season 2 because he loves toph because she reminds him of his siblings and he likes bumi and is convinced he’ll be a bumi when he’s older even though everyone tells him he’s such an iroh

- Dick would look back fondly on that week, surrounded by family who wasn’t fighting and could each have their own personality highlighted while all being together, he’d forever be thankful you brought up the idea : )

Bruce:

- it was a tough week for bruce, he hadn’t actually been alone on patrol for a long time

- it made it all worth it when he got to tiredly plop onto the couch with his kids

- he wasn’t watching the show he was watching them, the way they were invested in the show but also still took the time to bond even if they didn’t quite know it

- he got the best sleep of his life that week, passed out on the couch while his kids cuddled him, his white noise was Tim screaming at Damian and Steph babbling about Sokka, it was truly perfect. They were his family : )

I hope you enjoyed!!! Love you!

[danny-chase]

Big Brother instinct, Dick and either Cass, Gar, Danny Chase, Steph, Kara, Rose, or anyone else u want

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Batman (Comics), Nightwing (Comics), Batgirl (Comics) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Dick Grayson & Cassandra Cain, Dick Grayson & Bruce Wayne Characters: Dick Grayson, Cassandra Cain, Bruce Wayne Additional Tags: Dick grayson centric, Fire, Burns, hair styling, Ice Cream, Hurt/Comfort, Late Nights, Fluff and Angst, Batfamily (DCU), Batfamily (DCU) Feels, Batfamily Dynamics (DCU), Missions Gone Wrong, Good Sibling Dick Grayson, Cassandra Cain is bad at feelings, Bruce Wayne is Bad at Feelings Series: Part 11 of Bad Things Happen Bingo Summary:

Dick talks with Cass after a mission doesn't go as planned.

Fic under cut

“Argh!” Dick snaps back to attention as Bruce’s angry grunt rattles through the cave. The few bats still in for the night stir, their wings rustling in the distance. An avalanche of papers fly off of Bruce’s desk, and his grizzled form slumps forward, hands firmly planted on the table. His shoulders sag under some unknown strain; as if he’s carrying the weight of the sky.

“Hmm.” Dick blinks back another wave of exhaustion, he’s not working on a case – but Bruce is – and company always makes working more fun. Besides, Bruce is on a time limit and Alfred can’t stop him from escaping his room. So. Here he is. He took an oath - it’s his job to help.

Dick’s eleven and Bruce’s a pillar of reassurance – a precariously stacked pile of rocks constantly on the verge of crumbling. He has no idea how to pick up the pieces. No idea how to seal the cracks. “Bruce?” He mumbles, swinging his legs off his spinny chair. Bruce doesn’t look up, his mouth drawn in a tight line. The ghost of tears well in his eyes. Not good.

Dick scoots off the chair, lightheaded for a moment. He shakes the stars out of his eyes, nodding back and forth, up and down, like Bruce does when he’s sleepy. It’s late. He has school tomorrow. Not that it matters. Bruce will let him skip if he asks the right way. He jogs in place for a few seconds, readying himself, warming up his muscles.

There’s not much he can do to help, but he can at least put on a little show. He runs forward launching into a cartwheel, picking up the papers as he goes – Bruce likes his tricks, sometimes they even make him laugh, sometimes –

Bruce snags his ankle out of the air, his quick reflexes saving Dick from crashing into the edge of a counter. He finds himself hanging, the world stuck upside down as his hands dangle inches from the floor. “Thanks.” He looks up at Bruce’s weary face.

A yawn escapes his lips, and the corners of Bruce’s mouth twitch. “I’m going to have to child-proof the cave at this rate.” He tries for humor but it falls flat, his hearts not in it all.

He stares up, sticking his tongue out. Bruce’s frown doesn’t fade. “Are you okay?” He asks. Bruce’s hands fumble, and Dick swings dangerously low to the floor before he’s recovered. Not willing to take the chance again, he curls up, grabbing Bruce’s forearms and pulls himself up through his arms, settling himself on sturdy shoulders.

Bruce drops his feet. “I’m fine. Why would ask that?” He sounds almost hurt and Dick’s too tired to figure out why.

He slides down easily, Bruce gently deposits him on the floor. “You looked sad.” A yawn leaves his mouth without permission, he stumbles slightly, and a hand clamps down on his shoulder. He reaches back up, and Bruce throws him up against his shoulder, wrapping him in a hug.

Dick yawns contently, his eyelids fluttering without his permission, as Bruce starts walking towards the stairs. “I’m sorry…” The arm around his back pulls him a bit tighter. “I’m just not enough.” A shaking hand combs through his hair and Dick squeezes back because he doesn’t know what to say.

Bruce grunts as he takes a step up the stairs. “Sleep on it?” Dick suggests, resting his eyes for just a moment.

“Mmhmm. It’s bedtime.” Dick’s half asleep by the time they reach the top. He’s not sure he hears Bruce whisper, “You’re a great kid, chum.”

It took Dick years before he really understood the feeling. And even more years before he made the connection that that was how Bruce had felt on late nights spent scouring for clues that just didn’t seem to exist, having worked for days straight on three hours of sleep, and watching Gotham send all of it up in flames setting you back months on an investigation.

He’s learned there’s nights it’s impossible to save everyone – hell, he’s seen Clark get his ass kicked, and Clark’s damn near close to god. Dick would know – the Titans have fought their namesake. But the Titans have fought humans and lost despite half their members being godlike, and besides that most days now he’s alone. It doesn’t matter how hard he tries, how much he plans, how prepared he is; sometimes things just go to hell and a handbasket and there’s nothing he can physically do to prevent it.

Most of the time, he’s fine with that. It’s fine he has limits. Logically, he knows he can’t be expected to everything. Logically, he knows it’s a waste of time to worry about it. Logically, he knows it’s okay to take a night off, watch a nature documentary, invite a friend over, stay in and spend the night simply existing.

But it feels like he could be doing more – should be doing more. He feels that restlessness overtake him, and springs to his feet “Bruce I-”

Bruce gives him his patented bat-glare from where he’s sitting, looking up from a familiar pile of papers. Once it would have intimidated him into sitting back down. Now he just returns it with a patented one of his own. “-I think I’ll suit up and head out for the night, Tim could probably use some back up with-”

“Dick.” There’s this exasperated tone that Bruce can only ever seem to muster when saying his name. He pauses for a just a second, his eyes flickering down to Bruce’s clenched fists and tight shoulders. “Let me handle it.” It comes out as an order, but reading between the lines, it’s a plea.

Bruce would never admit it out loud, worry practically bleeds out of the man. Guilt gnaws on the inside of his chest, though, he’s not sure what it’s even from; the guilt of making Bruce worry or the guilt of being a useless sack of broken and bruised ribs while people need Nightwing’s help. Being benched sucks, but he knows enough to compromise. “Let me run the comms? Babs could use a night off.” She sleeps less than him and Bruce knows it.

The gray streaks in Bruce’s hair stand out all the more as he lets out a bone deep sigh. Dick rolls his eyes – he doesn’t get to do this right now. “You literally let me go out last night I don’t understand why-”

“Last night was an emergency. I didn’t have a choice.” His frown widens, his face etched in an eternal look of pain, mixed with disproval. “Two nights ago… you almost…” His mouth seals itself shut, unspoken words hanging in the air between them. It’s Bruce that breaks the gaze first. “Run the comms, don’t overexert yourself. It should be a quiet night…” He stands, hesitates before walking off “And get to bed early.”

Dick bites back a laugh, Bruce hasn’t talked to him like that since he was thirteen. “Alright.” He resists the urge to poke fun, and follows Bruce through the passage behind the grandfather clock.

“So Ives was talking about the Pirates of the Caribbean movie with me the other day, and we might go see it this weekend if I have the time. Gee- I can’t remember the last time I saw movie in theaters or even really hung out with him.” Tim’s endless chatter helps him stay awake in the dimly lit cave. His throbbing ribs help too, maybe he shouldn’t have tried doing push-ups. “Dad and Dana want to drop me off, but Ives has a car now, though dad’s still worried cuz of the time some wacko tried to stop us at a traffic light.”

Dick hums, a smile creeping its way up his face. “I can drop you off if it’s an issue.”

“Really?! That’d be awesome, you could stay for the movie if you wanted to, but I don’t know if you’d like it, I mean are pirates really your thing? I always figured you’d be more into Vikings or probably aliens actually, or something like-” A red light flashes on the screen, and Dick snaps to attention.

“Hold that thought.” Tim’s chatter ceases immediately as Dick furiously types on the terminal. He punches into the main line. “Batgirl how fast can you get to the corner of 16th and Murphy’s Ave, there’s a building on fire and you’re the only one anywhere near the Upper East Side.” A 911 operator calms down a hysterical woman in his left ear, Cass asking direction in the right.

He pulls up a map. “I-I can’t find a way out!” The woman shrieks. “I don’t know what happened, I was sleeping and-” she breaks off into raspy hacks.

“Go straight, turn right after three blocks down.” Dick winces, as the lady continues chocking on smoke. “C’mon Cass. Get there.” He mutters off the line. He eyes his cycle sitting idly in the bay – he’s twenty minutes out; Cass needs backup. He opens up another line. “Batman I need you to follow Batgirl, what’s your eta?”

Bruce grunts back, he hears thudding over the line. “Fifteen minutes.” The woman screams in his other ear, he yanks the earbud out as a massive bang nearly blows out his eardrum. Picking it back up, he can’t hear the woman anymore, only the roar of flames and falling debris.

“Shit.” He pulls up video from a street camera. “Shit.” The building’s collapsing in on itself. “Permission to call the league?” He clicks through to their line of communications, his finger hovering over the button.

“Here.” Cass scrambles into view, bursting through a window. Shit.

Bruce learned his limits long ago. Dick’s finally settling into his. Cass? They simply don’t register on her radar. The buildings coming down in mere minutes; she’s going to get killed.

“What’s the situation?” Bruce yells in his ear.

“Batgirl get out of there!” He screams at Cass. She’s going to die – the building’s not stable, and he’s the one that sent her there. “Make it five minutes – the building’s coming down.” He yells to Bruce. “Batgirl!” He watches a few windows blow out. A firetruck careens down the street.

“Permission granted.” Bruce huffs and Dick can’t click the button fast enough.

A couple more windows blow out, and the building seems to lean to the side. Finally he sees Cass climb back out a window, holding a couple kids in her arms as she leaps to the ground. “BATGIRL GET THEM CLEAR!” His heart pounds in his throat as she runs forwards, the building groaning behind her, crumbling to the side. Chaos erupts, chunks of flaming debris cascading from the top of the building, as the second floor merges with the first.

Dick blinks, his mouth dry. “There’s more people-” he can’t hear Cass over the ensuing cacophony as he watches the building topple to the ground. “NO!” He faintly hears her scream as the screen erupts in static.

Dick slams his fists on the desk. His chest constricts painfully. “Nightwing. Report.” Bruce’s steady voice reminds him to breathe. His chest spasms. Shit. “Nightwing!” Bruce demands as he tries to catch his breath.

“Building collapsed.” He manages to get out. “One sec.” He takes a few deep breaths, leaning back in the chair for support. “Batgirl report.” He’s greeted with silence. “Batgirl, please, if you’re there I need you to respond.”

“I…” Cass trials off. Dick sighs in relief. “I’m sorry.” The line cuts off. Well. Shit.

“Nightwing! I’m headed to the location.” Bruce squawks. Dick sighs.

“It’s going to be a long night. Search and rescue, I’ll call in backup.” Shit. So much for an early bedtime.

“Hey.” Someone shakes his shoulder. He makes a grab for their wrist and misses, his mind processing where the hell he is. He blinks a few times.

“Cass?” Her hair’s plastered to the side of her head and she’s covered in soot. Nicks, rips, and tears decorate her costume. Dick wipes his eyes as the ashy smell of smoke overwhelms his senses. Cass takes a few steps back, heading towards the locker room. “Wait.” He had something to say to her, his mind racing to catch up.

She hops up onto a counter. His mind shuffles through the events earlier in the night. “Bruce sent you back?” Cass nods glumly. The rescue efforts weren’t going well when he dozed off. The JLA sent in everyone they could spare; there’s nothing they can do anymore. Not that Bruce won’t try.

Cass’s lips are sealed. There’s a haunting expression in her eyes, her shoulders slump forward, her hands firmly plant themselves on the counter for support.

And his friends think he’s too much like Bruce.

“Hey.” He starts. She gives him a weary look, tears welling in her eyes. Well, maybe not exactly like Bruce. “Look, I’m sorry I put you in that position.” Cass shakes her head. “Sometimes things like this happen. I should have-”

“Stop.” Cass pulls her feet up on the counter, getting dust everywhere. “I should have been faster.” She swallows, refusing to let the tears spill over. “My fault.”

Dick watches as she glides off the counter, yanking off her gloves and dropping them on the floor. Burn marks dot her hands and the edges of her hair are singed. “You did everything you could.” She hesitates, before taking a step towards the showers.

“Not enough.” She mutters before storming off, leaving a trail of soot in her wake.

He stands up. “Cass.” The lock snaps shut with a click as she slips into the bathroom. Leaving Dick in an empty cave once more.

By the time he returns downstairs, Cass is already out of the shower, looking displeased. “You took my clothes.” She notes unhappily, a pale pink towel tucked tightly around her shoulders.

Dick watches water drip down from her hair, pattering on the floor. The trail leading back to the bathroom is now mixed with water and soot. Alfred’s going to be pissed. “I took your costume.” He clarifies. “And I brought you clothes.” He gestures towards the open door.

Cass scowls, planting her feet defiantly. “I’m going out.” She reaches out a hand. Dick shrugs – there’s no way she can find where he hid her filthy suit before they get a chance to wash it.

It’s all too familiar, reading the lines across her brow, watching her shoulders slump when she stills, and scanning red rimmed eyes. “What are you going to do like that?” He points out, Cass angrily storming towards him. “You’re tired, you’ll just end up being in the way.” He dodges left as a fist flies past his face. “You would have hit if I wasn’t right.” She’s faster than him on his best days.

She glares at him with pursed lips, staring before turning on her heel and storming off towards the bathroom. The door slams behind her, triggering the rustling of far away wings.

Dick sighs – he hopes he wasn’t this temperamental when he lived with Bruce. “Come up to the kitchen when you’re done, I need your help with something.” The lie rolls easily off his tongue, though he feels a twinge of guilt as Cass groans behind closed doors.

Cass’s eyes widen as she enters the room. Dick offers a smile as she edges closer to the table. He tosses a spoon, she snags it out of the air. “Dig in.” There’s a carton of chocolate ice cream – double chocolate chunk brownie sundae with hot fudge and chocolate sprinkles to be precise – and tons of candy. It’s not stuff Bruce keeps around, but Dick’s has a stash at Tim’s house reserved for movie nights. He’ll restock later.

Cass vigorously stabs the ice cream with her spoon, a smile dancing across her face as she takes a few bites. She pauses, sticking the spoon back in the cartoon, looking up with a confused expression. “Why?” She’s wearing fluffy pajama bottoms, fuzzy socks, and an old worn college sweatshirt that’s frayed at the hems. Dick can almost pretend he’s back, talking to Donna after she broke up with Roy their sophomore year of high school.

She’s watching Dick carefully. He hums casually. “You had a rough night.” This is what the Titans always did. She shrugs.

“Things happen.” She shovels a few more bites into her mouth. “I want to go out.” It’s hard for Dick to find her tough and grizzled when she’s guzzling gummi worms, kicking her feet back and forth on the stool.

“Consider this a reason to stay in.” She gives him a sideways glance. “You did as much as you can, that’s enough.” Cass looks pointedly at her ice cream, not hesitating before diving back into it.

“Spar with me?” She licks a skittle before sticking it in her mouth.

Dick snorts. “If I don’t have a heart attack, I think Bruce would.” She snaps up to attention, grabbing his wrist and quickly finding his pulse point. “I’m fine, Cass.” Her hands are freezing. He places one of his on top of hers. “If you weren’t there I wouldn’t have been.” He says quietly, catching her eye. “Thank you.” She pulls back as if burned, quickly busying herself with the candy. He waits a moment before adding, “I think those kids you saved are grateful too.”

Cass throws a bag of M&M’s at him, he’s a second too slow and it pelts him in the face. “Noted.” He grins. “Uh, also, I’m going to have to do something with your hair.”

“What.”

“Cass, hold still.” She immediately stops squirming under his hands. “Thanks.” She hums back, tucked under an old blanket that never seems to leave the back of the couch. Bruce still isn’t here, but Tim checked in after his stakeout, and headed home a half an hour ago. He snips away another lock of burnt hair, tossing it into a trash can next to him.

He rests his forearms on the back of the sofa, contemplating which section of her hair to start with next. “You find one you like yet?” He asks, peeking over her shoulder at the images of hairstyles.

“Uhh.” She scrolls a bit more. “I don’t care.” She tosses the phone up to the top of the couch.

“Mmm.” He didn’t expect much else. Donna texted him a picture earlier to copy – something easy to pull back but still stylish. He attacks the next section, carefully brushing out the tangles, starting bottom to the top. He’s oddly grateful for all those times he did Donna and Kory’s hair.

‘Practice for when Bruce finally adopts a girl.’ They used to tease. ‘You’ll have a real sister, and if his track record holds she’ll have black hair and blue eyes.’ He’s never lived the irony down. Though, Cass’s eyes are a beautiful warm brown, so Donna and Kory can take that.

“You know.” He keeps his tone light. “Most hairdressers and their clients talk.” Cass remains set in stony silence. “Though I guess most people go to a salon to get their hair cut.” He just visits Joey. “Some people say it’s like free therapy.”

“You talk a lot.” Cass notes. He pulls up doodle jump on his phone and passes it back to her. She plays a couple rounds before the phone’s placed back beside him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He already knows the answer, but still asks all the same.

“No.” Bruce never wanted to either. Barbara used to talk to him… before he left for the Titans and took years to look back. Though he likes to dream otherwise, he knows there’ll come a day when Tim won’t want to talk to him anymore either.

It doesn’t get any easier being shut out. “That’s alright. If you change your mind I’m here.” He grabs the shears, snipping away another dead end.

“Thanks.”

“Dick.” A hiss awakes him, light following soon after. He squints, turning away to bury his face in a cushion. “Where’s Cassandra?”

He turns, eyes snapping open as he quickly scans the sofa. The blanket hangs off the edge, Cass nowhere to be seen. One of her custom batarangs sticks out of his armchair’s armrest, a few inches from his hand. “She must have found her costume.” He notes, glancing towards the pajamas crumpled in the doorway. His eyes meet Bruce’s as he lets out a tired sigh.

His hair’s dripping, fresh from a shower, and it’s singed at the edges. Dick nods towards the sheers on the coffee table. “Tomorrow.” Bruce decides, crossing the room, picking up the blanket as he goes. Dick pushes down the footrest, slowly rising to his feet. His ribs twinge at every move, in hindsight, falling asleep hanging off the side of an armchair wasn’t his best idea. Bruce hovers closer than normal, watching carefully, worry lines set in concern. “Bed.”

Dick’s too tired to argue. “Bed.” He agrees. And though Bruce doesn’t carry him, he accompanies him up the stairs.

[aceofshitposts]

another shortish drabble that’s sort of part of a bigger thing but i’ve already got my fingers in too many pies. I also keep posting things to the wrong damn blog so there’s that. Anywho this has a follow up I’m planning on posting for jaytim week but both of them could be read separately lol. It’s more pining Jay cuz I’m predictable as fuck but now featuring special guests: Stephanie and Cass.

ALSO! my inbox is open for sentence/dialogue prompts! I use them as warmups if anyone’s interested :)

-

Stephanie’s apartment is your average, shitty Gotham affair. The kitchen is jammed into the corner right beside the front door and the living room crowded with a couch and coffee table that is currently pushed against the sliding glass door of her equally shitty balcony. Jason knows Tim has tried several times to get her to move, somewhere with less cracks in the wall and a more reliable water heater at least; but Jason and Stephanie are cut from the same cloth and he knows that no matter how much Tim may pester her she will stay here out of pure spite until she damn well decides otherwise herself.

Despite the ramshackle appearance, the apartment is currently crowded with laughter as Tim spins Stephanie around the cleared space of the living room, Cass randomly picking music for them to dance to from the spot she’s curled up on on the couch. Jason opens the oven, thankfully cooperating compared to the last time he’d been here to try and make a cake, and removes the chicken lasagna Stephanie had begged him to make hours before.

“Don’t you dare dip me!” Stephanie shrieks over the sound of Tim’s slightly manic laughter as he pushes forward into her space, obviously intending to dip her.

There’s a loud THUD that shakes the floor as Stephanie flails and Tim loses his balance, landing them in a pile of limbs on the floor. Jason imagines if Stephanie’s lower neighbor is home they’ll be hearing about this soon.

“I told you not to dip me, dingus!”

“I wouldn’t have dropped you if you didn’t go dead weight like a stone!”

Cass turns her head to look at Jason, Tim and Steph still laughing on the floor, and says, “children,” in a tone that is both endearing and bone tired.

Jason leans over the kitchen counter, putting his weight on his forearms as he watches Tim and Steph begin to wrestle on the floor; arguing over who could dip who and whether they should test this theory at the next gala Bruce drags them too. Tim might know how to do a passable box step but Jason knows Stephanie would just step on his toes, maybe even on accident, if they attempted a dance. Jason hasn’t been to one of those fancy parties in years, being legally dead will do that to you, but part of him thinks he wouldn’t mind trying to dip Tim.

Just to see the expression on Bruce’s face, of course.

It’s hard, sometimes, when everything feels as easy as breathing to remember the road that lead here. Jason doesn’t want to forget, eyes drawn to scars he remembers tracing on previously blank skin on Tim, it feels irresponsible. The way they’ve all managed to match their broken edges and stitch themselves back together is nothing short of some kind of miracle, the peace they feel now was hard fought for and won and sometimes they still snag on each other’s barbs. Tim spent so long closed off from all of them, no thanks to some of Jason’s own actions. Seeing him now (they’ve stopped wrestling and are instead pressed shoulder to ankle  on the floor with their heads ducked under the coffee table, talking in hushed but no less giggly tones) feels like something Jason shouldn’t be allowed to be here for.

It wouldn’t be the first time he withdrew in a panic, feeling like the walls were closing in and the ceiling was about to drop. Out of everyone in this room, Jason knows he’s the biggest threat; the one least deserving of the peace they find themselves. Least deserving of Stephanie pestering him until he agrees to come to her shitty apartment and make homemade lasagna, the way Cass won’t take no for an answer when she decides they’re going to play rooftop tag after patrol, how Tim smiled when Jason had walked through the door with an armload of groceries.

They’re all misfits in their own ways. Even if things are smoothing out with the rest of the family, the four of them have carved out their own irreplaceable spots in each other’s lives. He might not deserve it but Jason knows now that each one would drag him back kicking and screaming if he tried to run. Tim had, quite literally, had to beat the idea that he’d long since forgiven Jason into him at one point. Sometimes he still rolls his eyes and punches Jason in the shoulder, seemingly having developed a sixth sense for Jason’s personal pity parties.

“You’re soft,” Cass says, apparently having moved from the couch to stand next to Jason in the kitchen like a fucking ninja. Jason is not ashamed to admit he jumps.

His eyes slide from Cass back to where Tim is lying on the floor with Steph and back again. Stephanie cackles and Tim sputters something incomprehensible in response, shoving her shoulder in an argument Jason can’t quite hear.

“When you look at him,” Cass clarifies because he definitely needs it.

“Uuuh,” Jason says eloquently, eyes roving around the ceiling (is that mold? He should let Stephanie know so she can tell the landlord), desperately searching for the exit to this conversation. He clears his throat, remembering the cooling lasagna resting on the stovetop, and raises his voice, “food’s ready!”

Cass gives him a look, the one of a deeply disappointed sibling. It’s a look Jason knows well. Tim and Stephanie are getting up, Tim punching her again in the shoulder and saying something Jason can’t hear over the pounding rush of blood in his ears as Tim finally looks towards the kitchen and grins directly at Jason. It’s a good thing he was leaning on the counter because Jason thinks his knees went a little weak.

“Don’t worry,” Cass says, voice firm but quiet, knocking her shoulders in his, “he’s soft looking at you, too.”

[bisexualoftheblade-old]

how many wips do you have? like what are they all, and not the number of wips in a fandom? what are all the names?

okay. fuck you. fuck you so much. fuck you.

i’m putting this under a read more cut no one else deserves to see this shit. a lot of these are requests, and for those i will just write out the request itself

Shadowhunters:

domestic polycule fluff with tem, jessa, and will because im not a coward

Supernatural

- hehe hoho i request destiel hehehe

- request 61/? cai cai cai cai i need you to rewrite the destiel scene but yk. GOOD. not like i'm in the know about the spn fandom or anything, it's been years for me. but DO IT

Bright Sessions

- caleb/adam grisha AU

- mark bryant vs. united states aka sue the AM

- caleb/adam college fluff

Umbrella Acaademy

- request 31/? i want a ben and klaus drabble please spare me some brotherly bickering

- AND SO BEGINS NIGHT 4 with request 13/? oooh oooh can i get a raymond and allison playlist??? i think their vibes together would SLAP

- hi there night 2 is technically morning 3 but who's counting not me anyway request 5/? can i get a ben moodboard? gotta rep my tua bb

Percy Jackson

- request 9/? can i get a percabeth moodboard or quote edit?? like god they're the og couple goals take me back to high school cai

- For the 100 follower things :D Jercy getting caught in the rain

- request 29/? a drabble about literally anything to do with pjo. i’ll be happy with anyone and anything i’m love these children

- *somersaults in like I’m a real fancy acrobat* hello ello ello may I request some camp half blood chaos possible involving *does a flip* ✨side characters✨ <3

Penumbra Podcast 

- request 52/? drabble about the penumbra podcast. this is for ren bc ren likes it and i don't actually know anything about it. juno? i think? that's the one ren likes. write it for ren

- Tpp ghost hunting / buzzfeed unsolved au

- sad juno smut

- final resting place fic go brrrr

Marvel

- request 6/? i'm going to my roots y'all can i get a spider-man playlist? if not a playlist then i'd honestly be happy with literally anything involving spider-man

- request 15/? i'm going crazy this is recorded evidence of me actually losing it ANYWAY can i get a quote edit for something from iron man? literally anything that man says is gold so cai's choice :D he deserved better in endgame i'm still bitter

- request 42/? do another spidey thing that differs from the other spidey thing

- request 73/? you have Opinions. rant about infinity way and/or endgame. go.

- request 74/? quote edit for deadpool!!

- spideytorch relationship character study

- peter parker as a tired grad student monitoring the young avengers (send help)

Six of Crows

- okay listen i wasn't going to request anything bc i worry about you but also? if you want to/have the time hit me with a playlist for our girl nina zenik

- request 43/? fuckin give me the ending anya should have had. she is alive and with her new son and having a great time

- request 45/? inej moodboard?

- request 47/? will you make literally any meme of your choosing for six of crows?

- request 48/? write a drabble for kaz, my favorite bastard

- okay so i don't actually like nina or mattias that much but i still wanna hear about your thoughts (and also see if you'll change my mind)

- kaz brekker turning 18 fic. birthday party, everyone singing, whole shebang. i need it stat

- religious trauma fic aka i started shipping kaz/alina/inej and i can’t stop

- kaz trauma soup (he has D.I.D. and you can’t prove me wrong)

- my two redacted fics for @grishaversebigbang​

- wesper fake dating

- six of crows bright sessions crossover: everyone gets therapy

TMA

- uhh... s1 gang having a nice time? melanie getting to have some Pride™️? some "fun" horror thing?

- request 7/? spare steph and jason bonding? please sir? spare some for a humble child such as myself?

- okay so this was meant for night 3 but i had midterm shit SO this is honorary night 3 let's DO THIS request 8/? i want a moodboard of extremely out of context magnus archives shit like i mean confuse the FUCK out of me i don't go here i know Nothing about it

- request 11/? OKAY so i need tim stoker meeting tim drake now i need my timmy to meet your tim plus i want to see character differences no i'm not trying to create a tim stoker in my head so i can read a's fic while NOT thinking of tim drake whaaaaaat you're crazy

- request 18(i think)/? i need a quote edit of every time within the first like. 15 eps of tam where jon is like “sounds fake but go off” thank u bb

- request 40/? i challenge you to write a tma drabble based only on the episodes i've heard. i'm currently halfway through episode 23

- Jon being lovingly bullied into taking a break. I'm aware this has been written a million times but it is one of my favorite things.

- spiral!sasha AU

- extinction martin go brrrrr

- high school era timsasha. they've both been friends for years, and everyone always asks when they will be a couple. they decide to fake date, to prove everyone wrong and show what a bad couple they would be. turns out that's a bit trickier than they thought

- after sasha comes back, tim is broken. he can't let go, scared that if he looks away for even a minute he'll lose her again. sasha suggests shibari as a way for him to give up control

- sasha pov mag 19 au, sacrificing herself to save the others, knows that if she gives herself up to the not!them it will let the others live

- this is the "tim finds a polaroid of sasha" trope

- early archives days,, long nights in research,,, clothes sharing,, somft. late nights and falling asleep at their desks warm and safe in the other's presence

- two parts: timsasha as kids, each picking a constellation that is "theirs". just soft kid antics. tim at sasha's grave glancing up to see their constellations

- continuing your job’s a joke (you’re broke)

DC Comics

- TIMSTEPH HADESTOWN AU,,,

- my redacted fic for @batfam-big-bang​

- request for you to get a decent amount of sleep? serious answer, dickkori, SAL's Venus

- request 4/? timsteph morning after 👀 mayhaps?

- a concept: nonbinary stephanie brown

- teehee hi mom, you don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, but can i request damian angst for your accomplishments 100 followers?

- hi you can ignore my first request if you want, or you can ignore this one. but bls possibly write some bikini ra’s? -the bikini bitch

- request 27/? jay is asking through me for a jondami playlist but tbh i also want it so win win yk?

- "I don't know how to help you but I can help you find someone who does" with bruce and jason? im just craving bruce being a good day to jason for once

- “I am putting you in time out because you need to understand the consequences of your actions.” with steph and jason as dumbass disaster bi best friends pretty please?

- request 32/? timsteph patrol date!!!

- request 33/? timsteph *gala* date? mayhaps??

- request 37/? tim drake drabble but make it Edgy cai

- request 39/? drabble of a prank war between tim and damian

- joyfire cuddly fluff please? or like just any outlaw fluff if joyfire isnt your thing (feel free to add every member of the outlaws, dont feel like u gotta stick with jason, kori, roy i love them all)

- barbara and robin! jason fluff? bonding over books or something?

- request 62/? i need a drabble about the chaotic trio jason, tim, and steph i'm love them ty

- request 63/? batfam x mcu crossover. batfam meets ironfam. give me ALL the cliches. ALL OF THEM

- request 64/? young justice x young avengers - jay cuz idk SHIT about the young avengers

- request 66/? jondami moodboard pls and ty

- request 67/? timsteph moodboard!!!!!!

- request 69/? HEHEHE kinky 😏 i would v much like a timsteph drabble of the almost first time. does that make sense? like i don't want you to go all the way NSFW cuz i know that's against the rules and i'm a rule follower. but like they *almost* go all the way. this could be fade to black or some shit i don't care just make it a lil steamy and have Fun

- i request damian angst! all of it

- hmm... maybe i request? jondami?

- mayhaps,,,,some batfam,,,,,committing crimes? ily be gay do crime <3 - lu

- How about a ficlet with Steph and Cass?

Found Family Bingo Prompts

- no powers au

- tunnel

- first day

- join the club

- hurt/comfort

- experiment

- playing favorites

- hold on

- possession

- 10 o’clock

- singing

- road

- snitch

- curfew

- timer

- fantasy au

- zombie au

- dreams

- campfire

- are you okay

- movie night

- games

- scared

Miscellaneous

- a request: Write A Drabble, Coward

- is it too late to request a moodboard for me?

- request 20/? i’m going off book because i’m in a Chaotic Mood™️ can you just absolutely vibe check me like go off cai demolish me

- request 21/? i formally request that you pick a favorite cai. i don’t care what that favorite pertains to, just pick a favorite something

- request 23/? roast me

- request 24/? can i have a buzzfeed unsolved spoopy playlist but spoiler alert it’s not spoopy bc shane doesn’t believe does this make sense it has been a Day™️

- request 25/50 i want a jake and amy fic make it Soft cai i’m love them b99 is so good

- request 28/? i know nothing about the lord of the rings so make something that will confuse the shit out of me

- request 34/? malvie and jaylos moodboards 😈

- request 35/? a moodboard for the bbb mods!! perceive all of us!!!

- request 36/? moodboard for the tua mods too???? mayhaps??

- request 41/? doctor WHO? idk but i want a drabble of him and the one character i know from doctor who which is rose

- request 46/? make an alignment meme with our group, have fun!!!

- request 49/? i want you to kin assign me a character from every fandom you can/want to. go feral

- request 50!!!!/? this is a special request. the most special request. can you make a bastards tbh playlist? i want our vibes encapsulated. i want us in music form. i want to hear those songs and be like "that's me and cai" and smile.

- requests 51/? i know jack shit about good omens. explain it to me in the most confusing way possible. make me know less by the end than i know now

- request 53/? can you write a mel aesthetic? i'm Curious

- request 54/? give me a list of book recs cai i want some good book recs pls

- request 56/? edit a picture of US together too

- request 58/? oooh can i have a disney edit? like. hm. i just really love disney and i want anything to do with disney. like a quote or an aesthetic or an aesthetic edit i just want disney.

- request 59/? i would v much like a recipe for carbonara. i've never had it but it sounds fucking delicious

- request 60/? ooh hey can i get a makeup tutorial? i know you like makeup, i'm shit at doing makeup. teach me

- request 65/? i need the most emo playlist you can make that vibes with dear evan hansen thank you

- request 68/? i want a superwholock moodboard. this can be serious, with the actual fandoms in mind, or literally what the era felt like. the insanity. the horror.

- request 70/? ooh ooh ooh do you have a good bread recipe?? i wanna get that bread

- request 71/? i want a playlist with the vibes of summoning a demon. please don't ask questions. i don't have answers. and if i do, no i don't.

- For the requests, how about writing something based on a friend?

- request 75/? MMMM i want literally anything to do with natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812

- request 76/? i want some healthy recipes. help a girl out

- a feral bbb quote or two?

- you perceive my plant but now I dare thee to perceive mine own visage

- okay this is a two for one request. 1. you did the bee movie script so now we need a shrek two script edit 2. sleep please

- Pansexual mb for my lil queer soul?

- my (probably) final request is just for you to ramble about something, i don't really care what

- HI ILY CONGRATS AS WELL CAUSE IM LATE BUT CONGRATS. could i request a pirates of the caribbean (or just pirates) or whatever you what to do, free range.

- mood board for the beluga whales who got brought to the animal sanctuary in Iceland please?

- 100 follower request: Moodboard for my stuffed cow Oaky?

[arguablysomaya]

Waynes + Food

Dick: 

eats the weirdest shit

probably was that one kid who would mix chocolate milk and ketchup in grade school and would dare people to drink it (we’ve all been there)

the type of mf to say “it’ll all mix in my stomach, so who cares??” 

does the bare minimum in terms of nutrition. if he has regular people food, he’ll eat it, but he can go a week on cold pizza and cereal and be fine

gets heartburn and just fucking takes a bite of raw broccoli then goes about his day

surprisingly healthy

all added weight goes straight to his ass so it doesn’t even matter

tried once to set a good example for damian but broke after two days

alfred would literally cry if he saw dick’s pantry

drinks “girly drinks” because he likes the colors

Jason:

Very Picky Eater

keeps a list of foods he refuses to eat for the dramatics of it all

thinks raisins are an atrocity, gags when he finds them in salads

would rather starve than have his flavors mix

firm believer in food segregation

has a “perfect bite formula” that he whines about whenever the bacon slips out of his breakfast sandwich

“i’m savoring it, demon brat”

health nut. only one who actually reads nutrition labels

hates big brands, so sometimes the Actual Red Hood will stop by a farmers market to pick up like eggs or smth

thinks tex-mex is a joke. “eat real latin food or don’t eat at all” - jason todd, 2020

his sweet tooth ruins the fuck out of his reputation

Cass:

eats basically anything except fast food

saw a video of how mcdonalds nuggets are made once and Never Forgot

eats breakfast food all day every day. co-owns the waffle maker with steph

never in her life has she dropped food but if she did she wouldn’t throw it out cuz she on dat grind all the time

very wide palate but she hates cheese so much. makes fun of dick on her snapchat because he eats shredded cheese straight out the bag

doesn’t really see the appeal of junk food but doesn’t like. hate it

“food is food???” -cassandra wayne, 2020

eats when she’s bored

Tim:

fucking weirdo 

horrible taste in food

eats pineapples on pizza like it’s not a war crime

if unmonitored, will eat solely take out and junk food for months on end

eats cheese puffs that are literally glowing neon orange. jason once shot the bag out of his hands

brews coffee with mcdonalds sprite because why not

not at all picky but he really likes korean food because it’s like the only memory he has of his grandparents

not at all conscious of money, eats caviar with ketchup and fries

half the time he’s too busy to even see what he shoves in his mouth but the intensity of cass’ glare will tell him if he’s gone too far

Duke:

eats like a Normal Human Being. mostly

made fun of people who put ranch on pizza for 14 years then tried it once and realized it was actually pretty good

does the puzzles of the backs of cereals

also buys cereals that have prizes in them but the prizes always end up in dick’s hands. when will he learn

never matured enough to like vegetables :///

is lactose intolerant but doesn’t really put in the effort to avoid dairy

buys almond milk (the sweetened kind) but still eats cheese and yogurt and ice cream

his stepdad was half nigerian so he eats jellof rice religiously

prefers colorful food over bland food

fucking hates coconut. would rather die than have coconut. unfortunately he loves (virgin) piña coladas sooooooooo

Damian:

vegan and never shuts up about it

thinks he’s hot shit because he can cook like. spaghetti and tofuballs

spoiled rotten because there’s way too many people in the house who cook for him

spicy foods

suffers greatly during ramadan but powers through every year

would never even touch food that has been on the ground, thanks

demands high quality. dick tried to make him a peanut butter sandwich and he wrinkled his nose so hard he got a nosebleed

would never admit this, but he puts coins in his mouth because he likes the metallic taste. also likes the taste of his own blood (we’ve all been there)

drinks orange juice after brushing his teeth just to hear jason gag

Bonus: Bruce

square

eats the lamest shit

like. we’re talking lunchables level, here

black coffee, corn flakes with no sugar, spaghetti with butter on it

eats because he has to, not because he likes the taste

keeps a schedule because he’s That Basic

that being said, he can’t really cook

spices? you mean salt and (maybe) pepper

tastebuds are like 80% fried off anyway

never drank apple juice and that’s the source of all of his problems

once burned his hand opening a rice cooker because cass didn’t tell him it was still on

[bigskydreaming]

I’m just gonna say it, cuz people certainly have said it enough about Dick.

Tim was an asshole post BFTC. Yeah, he was. Sorry not sorry. I know losing Robin hurt him and yeah Dick probably could have handled it better, but Tim was the one who made the decision to avoid Dick in the aftermath and refuse to even talk to him when Dick kept trying to reach out and check on him. Like, hello, Tim, guess what gets in the way of a big brother ‘who wronged you’ trying to make things better? You not letting him talk to you even.

(An entirely different scenario from when Bruce fired Dick, because the problem between that and Dick eventually reconciling with Bruce was that Bruce didn’t ever reach out and take the initiative to try and reconnect with Dick, when Bruce was the one who made it clear that Dick wasn’t needed there anymore and did nothing to say or suggest he was even wanted, when Dick lingered for weeks hoping he would, and it was never Dick’s responsibility to try and make the first move to repair their bond after that. This isn’t comparable to Dick and Tim because Dick didn’t do the same thing as Bruce, he did the opposite of what Bruce did because he learned from what Bruce did....thus he kept reiterating how much he needed Tim and wanted him to stay and Tim was the one who refused all the gestures actually being made).

And enough about all the people Tim lost, because guess what? Dick lost his second father too. And he’d not long before Tim lost Jack and Kon and Steph, lost his entire city. After his circus, chock full of all his remaining first family from his childhood, the extended family of friends and honorary aunts and uncles who’d helped raised him, was burned down around him with massive casualties. After his apartment building, which was chock full of people he canonically had made friends with and formed a freaking community of their own with, had been blown up with only one survivor, just to hurt him. After he’d left the Titans because he’d lost multiple teammates in the Titans Hunt and watched Joey killed in front of him, been raped by Mirage and blamed by his teammates for it, lost his several years long relationship with Kory in part because of it and various other manipulations that had nothing to do with either of them but rather his being brainwashed and then Raven’s messing with their emotions and on and on and on....

And after he’d lost Donna, and after he’d been raped again by Tarantula and after he’d lost his relationship with Barbara over Tarantula’s manipulations, to such an extent that when he went to Barbara the night his circus was burned down, she let him stay for the night and then told him he had to go in the morning, after he’d lost Jason and killed the Joker over it and feared he’d lost Bruce’s trust because of it to the extent that he was downright suicidal in the wake of Blockbuster’s death, after Stephanie Brown a girl he barely even knew had become the second kid to die in his family’s colors without him ever having a say in them wearing them in the first place, and then getting Jason back only to have him try and kill Dick’s new little brother Tim, and then try and kill him while they were fighting for the cowl, right after Dick’s newest little brother Damian tried to kill Tim and now Dick was stuck trying to raise him himself, and felt the burden of having to teach Damian to not do stuff like that, because he couldn’t just pretend that Damian wasn’t Bruce’s son, wasn’t his brother, and so he felt the pressure of having to try and find some way to turn Damian into someone who could coexist with Tim so that Dick wasn’t forced to yet again choose between brothers like when Jason was going after Tim, because yeah, Tim was the target and there’s no substitution for that but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still royally suck to be the big brother who feels obligations and ties to all three of these boys and considers them all family because of how they’re tied to him whether he likes it or not so he’s constantly struggling with trying to find some way for them all to coexist because he can’t lose any more family.....

And all of this happens in the span of like, three or four years comic book time, and then their second dad dies and Dick is suddenly stuck living his dead father’s life, running the company he never wanted, being the Batman when all he ever wanted to be was his own hero of his own invention, protecting a city that has taken from him time and time again, raising his dead father’s son as though he’s practically his own, and he just had to battle his brother Jason for the cowl he didn’t even want with it ending with Jason falling from a train and potentially to his death again (since Dick didn’t know yet if he had even survived that for sure or not) when its not like Dick has issues with family members falling to their deaths in front of him....

And Dick gives his newest little brother Damian the mantle Robin that means family in his eyes, because its the only way he knows of to make Damian believe that Dick actually wants him here, wants to form a bond, and isn’t just doing this out of obligation to Bruce, as Damian did believe at that point and why he was keen on leaving....and he tries to explain to Tim that this was an act of desperation, of necessity, of he didn’t know what else to do, and it has nothing to do with Tim not being good enough, or not wanting Tim as family, or wanting Tim to leave, its the exact opposite, he sits there and tells Tim he feels Tim is too good to treat as a junior partner, that he’s his equal and he could never be Batman to his Robin again because Robin takes the lead from Batman and Dick no longer sees Tim as someone who needs to follow, and that’s why Dick needs him to stay, needs him to help him in Gotham because he’s fucking drowning here.....

And Tim just goes, whatever, fuck you, you took away Robin which was the only thing that matters to me (no mention of the fact that he only had it in the first place because of Dick) and just outright refuses to respond to any of Dick’s frequent attempts to check on him, to see how he’s doing, to acknowledge that Dick is just fucking worried about him because he’s stretched impossibly thin and all he knows is he can’t bear to lose anyone else, it’ll break him, he’s lost all he possibly can right now.....

And Tim just.....doesn’t fucking care. Peaces off to pursue his (still lacking evidence) Bruce isn’t dead theory because Dick did something he didn’t like and won’t believe him without evidence about the thing he always says every time someone who’s close to him dies and has led to him going down some very dark roads in the past but why should past behavior worry Dick at all......

And sorry not sorry, but if you can reframe every one of Dick’s issues with Bruce about Robin as him being an immature spoiled brat, but that doesn’t sound like sulking to you, I’m calling foul. 

*Shrugs*

Tim was kinda a brat back then. I know he had a lot going on and was dealing with a lot, but Dick was too, and all he wanted was to know that his little brother was freaking alive and Tim was like no, that’s too big an ask right now, you made me mad so stew on that bro. BYE.

Yeah Tim was a teenager, but Dick wasn’t even eighteen when he left home, and if he has to always be a big boy or else he’s a spoiled kid throwing a temper tantrum for not getting his way, I don’t see why Tim (who preboot, was definitely at least close to eighteen at the time) can’t be expected to be a big boy too and at least say “Dick I’m still mad at you and hurt, but I at least recognize that you are going through shit too right now and so I can at least be bothered to check in and let you know I’m alive and okay still and you haven’t lost another family member while they’re hating you and blaming you and thus making it likely your fault too.”