#how to be healthier without making myself worse | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

madi-writes-things · 4 months

Text

Making The Bed (Johnie Guilbert X Reader)

Summary:

Pushing away all the people that know me the best…

Word Count: 1,415

TW: Passing Out, ED, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Self Deprecation, Self Destructive Thoughts and Actions, Avoiding Foods, Parties, Drinking, Johnnie Being a Supportive and Good Boyfriend, platonic!Jake Webber

A/N: this has been in my drafts for like three months. Sorry if it seems rushed or anything, I fell asleep halfway through writing it and finished when I woke up. 🫶

“”“”“”“”“”

Y/N’s POV

I stand in the bathroom, obsessively typing the calories from the meal I just ate into the calorie counter that I promised I wouldn’t redownload. I didn’t mean for it to get like this again, but here I am. It just started as a few missed snacks, which turned into meals, and it all snowballed into daily weigh-ins and days with no food. I stop by the mirror for a moment, and I regret it immediately… the second I see myself, I feel my stomach churn.

The worst part of this is the lying to the people close to me… I don’t push them away on purpose, it just makes it easier. On days where I don’t see Johnnie much, I’m able to go the whole day without eating. I know that he’ll find out eventually, but I can’t let it be now.

In an ironic way I find it funny how people on the internet find out what you struggle with, and do their best to make it worse. The only reason that I started skipping snacks, was because people started commenting on my weight gain. It’s not the people who praise me for looking healthier, the issue is the people who spew my worst fears in the comments.

I know in the back of my head, that I will lose everything I’ve worked for if I don’t stay skinny. Johnnie won’t want me, Jake won’t chose me over him, Tara won’t want someone like me as a friend, my fans will get tired of me once I’m not interesting to look at, my family wo-

I hear Johnnie lightly knock on the bathroom door, pulling me from my doom spiral. “you okay in there babe?”

Shit.

I quickly wipe my face off, leaving no trace of the tears that were spilled. “Yeah! Be out in just a second.” Sometimes I wonder if he knows, and he’s happy that I’m losing weight. No. He’s not like that.

“”“”“”“”“”

I think Jake knows…

He stared me down after making me lunch. I think he was trying to see if I actually ate it. He made pasta, and I cried in the bathroom for thirty minutes after leaving the table. I saw him staring at me anytime we were in the same room after that.

Now I’m climbing into his car with Johnnie and Tara, headed to an influencer party. I’m wearing a cute Tank + Cropped Hoodie with skeleton hand’s bedazzled on the tits, and a pair of high waisted jeans. I knew that going out was a bad idea, but I have to stay under Jake’s radar… if he says anything to Johnnie, I’m done for.

I offer to be designated driver when we pull up, there’s no way I’m drinking tonight. One shot of vodka is nearly 100 calories, and vodka is the lowest calorie alcohol I’ve found. Everyone agrees pretty easily.

“”“”“”“”“”

The party has been going on for hours, and all of my friends were pretty tipsy at this point. I decided to go sit with Tara a little bit ago, and now we’re talking about her latest hookup. “He was literally so pretty… and his dick was huge!” She nearly falls over laughing at my reaction. I tell her I’m going to grab a water from the cooler, and find the guys so we can head out.

The second I stand up, everything goes blurry for a second. Shit. I don’t think I’ve had anything to eat since Jake made me, and that was like three days ago. I reach out and steady myself on Tara’s shoulder, as she asks if I’m okay. I mutter a quick yes, as I start walking away. It’s takes a second for my eyes to focus again, but most people just seem to assume I’m drunk.

Once I find the guys, we head out. My head is pounding, and all I want is to get home and go straight to bed. Once we finally get to our room, Johnnie holds me tight in his arms as we drift to sleep.

“”“”“”“”“”

The party was two days ago, and while I know I shouldn’t, I took advantage of everyone’s hangovers. I still haven’t eaten or drank anything other than water. Every morning I wake up lighter than the day before, and I’m not risking gaining any weight at this point.

Today is different, Jake and Johnnie are wide awake. The guys have been filming all morning, and they asked me if I wanted to join them in a video… I obviously agreed. I’ve missed my boyfriend, and I doubt he’d notice anything while we’re out at target.

“”“”“”“”“”

We stopped at three different targets before finding one that would let us film, totaling about an hour and a half of driving around. We’ve been walking around this target for a while, but the lights are too bright and I can’t seem to make my brain work hard enough to figure out how long.

I’m standing in the board game isle when it happens. I see Johnnie’s face fall when he sees me. “Babe, are you okay? You look really pa…” I don’t even hear the full sentence before everything turns to static.

“”“”“”“”“”

Johnnie’s POV

It all happens so fast. One second we’re laughing at something stupid, the next second Y/N has gone completely silent. “Babe, are you okay? You look really pale.” Then it happens. I watch as her eyes roll back into her skull.

Shit.

I barely move fast enough to stop her from hitting her head on the ground. “Jake! Go get some juice and a granola bar.” He practically drops the camera before breaking into a sprint across the store.

nononono… how long have I missed this? It all starts clicking into place… the long bathroom breaks after meals, the pulling away, the way she offered to not drink. Jake returns within 30 seconds, and Y/N starts to stir in my arms.

“”“”“”“”“”

Y/N’s POV

Everything feels like static… I think my eyes are open, but I still can’t see anything. I reach up, and my hand graces something, it takes me a second to register that it’s my loving boyfriend. I mutter a quick apology, and I hear him talking to someone but it’s so muffled. I don’t know how long I lay there before I start to regain feeling in my body. I can’t tell if I’m shaking, but I feel like I’m having a seizure or something.

once I’m able to sit up on my own Johnnie hands me a juice box and a granola bar. I can see Jake sitting across the aisle, also sipping a juice box. They wait until I’m done with my snack before talking. “Baby, I need you to be honest… when is the last time you ate?”

Shitshitshitshit. “I had lunch with Jake.” I try to sound confident, but my voice is shaky. I see Johnnie look across the aisle at Jake, questioning whether I was telling the truth.

“Y/N… that was almost a week ago.” He looks at me with a nearly indecipherable expression, but I know it well. Pity. “Is that really the last time you ate?”

Seeing how worried my they are breaks me. I only allow myself to break down because we are in a fairly secluded area of the store. Johnnie pulls me into his arms, kissing the top of my head. We stay like that for a while before heading home.

“”“”“”“”“”

Three Months Later

That day was a massive wake up call. Johnnie let me take a nap when we got home, while I slept they assembled friends and family. When I woke up they held an intervention. They gave me the choice to Go to an inpatient treatment, or try to get better at home… I chose getting better at home, scared that nobody would wait for me.

That night we worked out a plan. Johnnie made me a meal plan full of foods that I felt safe eating, we threw out the bathroom scale, and we deleted the calorie counter. It wasn’t an overnight change, but I had amazing support from the people around me.

Johnnie is truly the man of my dreams. He never stops telling me how much he loves me, and reassuring me that he would never leave me. He is the reason I wake up in the morning, and I know that he will always be there.

“”“”“”“”“”

@unbruisable @bernardsbendystraws @sturniolo-fann @jnkvivi @stasiesturn

@h3arts4harry @slutforsturniolos

#madi writes things #ED!Reader #jake and johnnie #johnnie and jake #johnnie guilbert #johnnie guilbert x reader #johnny knoxville x reader #hurt/comfort #angst #tw: ed

207 notes · View notes

mitfloya · 8 months

Text

𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐃𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐒𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬: 𝐙𝐚𝐲𝐧𝐞

pairings. Zayne x gn!reader

wc. 7K (yes, I like to torture myself)

synopsis. He was believed to be devoid of emotions, until you unveils his chilling secret. His hidden obsession with you has ensnared you in his icy sanctuary. You were blind to his fixation until it was too late, and now you find yourself trapped in his clutches, unable to escape.

warnings. The following content contains elements of obsessive behavior, yandere thoughts, stalking, possessive behavior, and may include poorly written narratives. Reader is referred to as 'you'. Proceed with caution, as this writing may be unsettling or uncomfortable for some individuals.

a/n. Hello people of the internet! I’m pretty new on this writing community so I hope I bring you guys some good crumbs to munch on! and excuse my horrible grammatical errors, English is not my first language. I may or may not have spend my time throwing up this whole ass detailed (press x to doubt) HC out of my mind, I tend to go overboard with my analysis and writing. Get some snacks and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy making this HC.

p.s. this is a reupload ver. the original of the post is accidently deleted

♡ Please reblog and comment on this post are much, much appreciated ♡

Ah…the ice king himself, known for his emotional detachment and seemingly heartless demeanor. His motives and intentions remain shrouded in mystery, as he builds impenetrable walls around himself. Yet, somehow, you managed to slip through those barriers, like a delicate flower pushing through the cracks in concrete, planting the seed of love without his knowledge.

Does he act upon it? Certainly not at first. He ignores it. Pretend that is was merely a sign you were someone he tolerated.

His acts of kindness are always subtle and unexpected. He treats you in a way that evokes certain reactions.

At first, he might seem out of reach. But you never know that he is always there for you. Always observing and studying your responses.

As you both transition into adulthood, he becomes your primary physician, a role that only intensifies his growing obsession with you. He never considered himself capable of falling in love at first sight, but his feelings for you gradually took root. He is always there with you, from childhood and in adulthood. Fate must have bestowed him with great luck to be your guardian, the one who monitors your health and controls your existence.

The time when you both went on your separate ways before you met again, he feels a void, a sense that something is missing. Maybe you meant more than he thought. The loss of you kills him. But does this heavy feeling affect his daily activities? no.

The thought of not knowing about your health and safety gnaws at him, like a splinter lodged in his mind. Have you eaten yet? Did you eat enough? Did you get enough sleep? Did you stumble upon an accident? Just a single scratch of wound on your skin would infuriate him.

You, on the other hand, dismiss it as the instinctual concern of a physician, and your own health condition made it even more difficult for him to let you go. You were far too precious to be released or, worse, left alone and broken.

Even when you’re away on your mission, he always ask about your being and whereabouts. He just wanted to know how you’re doing and it shows how much he cares for you, not monitoring you! That’s ridiculous, right?

However, whenever you were around him, you never felt like you were in control of your own bodily autonomy. Maybe you’re seeing things but have you realize how much you’re changing your lifestyle?

Zayne intelligence is no joke. You were far too naive to look back over your shoulder to notice he is manipulating you. He wants you to be completely dependent on him. But is it really that bad? After all, he was providing you with a healthier lifestyle, not to mention preserving your beauty. Or so it seemed.

Oh, but when you became his, everything changed. He became more open, more loving and caring, the kind that makes you melt to the ground and swallow you whole. Always attentive to your needs and wants, he has no problem with you buying expensive items, the money isn’t his concern. Your happiness is.

His actions become more evident, sometimes you notice it in the way he always makes sure you’re fully geared up and energized for the day, or the way he tries his best to brighten up your day in rainy days.

And when the time came for you to move in together, almost imperceptibly, it felt natural, that’s when he brings the real authenticity of himself, the carnal desire to claim over you starts to show.

He adorned you with the finest fabrics, adorned you with the most exquisite gems and jewelry that accentuated your beauty without overshadowing it. He always gives you the best and never less.

No one would question how many pictures he has of you around the house, as they simply depicted a man deeply in love with his partner…wait, you don’t remember taking this picture..how did he get this picture?

Caleb gives it to him. As always he has answers to everything, it makes you think he is expecting that kind of question, which is an odd behavior.

Even the windowsill display those seals and trinkets he has given you over the years, customized to your liking.

You saw it as a preservation of memories and the time he had spent with you, when it’s clearly a growing sign of obsession with the abundance of things of your own possessions, or things that reminded him of you were around the house, to the dark corners of his secret room you were unaware of.

You don’t realize you were brainwashed, did you? Or maybe because he is telling the truth from the start, he loves you very much and his actions serve as undeniable proof!

Until you try to resist or argue with him. It would be best for you to stay obedient and let him lead, he is the man in the relationship, you are his good girl, right? He never wants to hurt you, he is doing it for the better sake of you.

You learned your lesson when you got your first punishment. Each mistake or letdown adds a droplet, gradually increasing the intensity. When the glass finally overflows, it serves as a stark warning to never hurt or disappoint him.

Your life revolves around him. You want to buy groceries? Wait until he finish work. You want to go to the park? Let’s go together and don’t forget your coat, he doesn’t want you to get cold. You want to have some time alone outside? Sure.

Ah, the innocence of those early stages of dating, when the idea of tracking your partner's whereabouts seemed endearing. Little did you know that innocent app you stumbled upon on a social media platform would become the chains that bind you. In the beginning, it seemed like a cute way to track the distance between you and your partner.

That app, like a digital spider's web, silently weaves its threads around your every move. From the moment you installed it, it became his watchful eye, tracking your every step, monitoring your every move.

How naive and compliant you are, unknowingly making it easier for him to watch over you.

He doesn’t react much when a guy approaches you, no one will be brave enough, because you will always stay glued to his side. He often uses his sharp tongue to highlight their flaws and insecurities. Give them a judgmental stare at the guy as if he was nothing and brings nothing good in life like a mosquito.

Resorting to violence or criminal acts were never his first choice to get rid of those pesky nuisances, his jealousy always remains hidden and possibly close to nonexistent.

Because he knows, you will always comes running back to him. Even if you manage to slip from his grasp, he holds the power to reclaim you, by any means necessary. In dire circumstances, he does not hesitate to resort to violence, to eliminate anyone who dares to steal you away. He doesn't care if he has to hurt you or isolate you, nobody could ever love you like he did.

Once you are married and start a family together, your life will be forever intertwined with his. That's the end of you or maybe a better version of you that you never envisioned or hoped for, nevertheless it was all because of your love for Zayne that you willingly let him take control, it’s the best life you could ever live in, right?

You will never leave out of his sight forever.

#love and deepspace #love and deep space #love and deepspace headcanons #zayne love and deepspace #yandere zayne #zayne #li shen #zayne x reader #zayne x you #zayne x y/n

384 notes · View notes

madeofcigarettes · 27 days

Text

I wanna share this cause i dont seem people talking about pretty much fully recovering and then relapsing again

So when i was in full deep into my eating disorder as much of you are which you know what it looks like i was obviously looking back at it really miserable just thinking about food 24/7, having nightmares about food, insomnia, loosing friendships and things like that, that are always the hardest part about having an ed, but then i just started recovering not even because i waned to, but because i just couldn’t keep doing it anymore, which makes me feel kinda invalidated abt my eating disorder, but almost every day of those 6 months where i had this extreme hunger that made me feel like a pig then getting to a point where i could eat anything without looking at the calories, or tracking my daily intake and when i had something that showed the calories in the package just turning it around and avoiding it, not weighting myself, when i was feeling kinda better, there wasnt a day i didn’t miss ana, seeing how much weight i gained (went from 108 to 135 in the span of abt 3 month) i was so miserable too and i hate looking at myself, i hate not being able to wear cute outfits, i hate feeling like i have no purpose, no reason to get out of bed, didnt even wanna go out cause of how much i hate my body, and in those moments is when i missed ana the most. I really feel like i either need to pick being miserable but loving how i look, or being free and hating how i look and thats the hardest part because now i dont feel like i can get myself to loose weight in a healthy way cause i know whats the quicker route and i feel like theres never gonna be any recovering.

Also i just started going to the gym again and i eat what i like and what i crave but i only eat once a day and i dont eat like really big portions, and i feel like this could be a better route for me, im liking it so far but ik its gonna get progressively worse even tho i wanna loose the weight in maybe a healthier way this time, i just know i dont wanna be fat anymore and you guys always give me the motivation that i need but idk well see how it goes.

20 notes · View notes

aspd-culture · 3 months

Note

i convince people whoever disliked my (admittedly far from ideal) behavior is the problem and then i naturally am a lot more fun to be around once they are eliminated from my social circles. i think it is a bad habit but it keeps me sane. is there another way this can be handled?

Yes, but I can't guarantee it will work for everyone. For me, what I do to avoid this is -

1. Prevention: Easier said than done, but trying to keep the behavior they react to as non-harmful as possible (we're not talking total control just harm reduction) so that the way they act probably *is* blown out of proportion and you're in the right

and/or 2. "Don't give them the satisfaction": I come clean on my behavior and show just how lovely I am by acknowledging it and asking the people I know they're going to run to before they have a chance. I talk to those people about how *terrible* I feel and how much I want to make it better "but I don't want to make them more uncomfortable by forcing myself on them". This puts them in a situation where anyone they run to counters with "oh, no I heard they feel so bad! They didn't want to make it worse but I really don't think they meant it; they're really beating themselves up about it" and they'd look like a jerk to keep it up. But this isn't a cover for me to keep up my sh*t or it wouldn't work. The way I keep this social manipulation as harm reduction vs being a terrible person is to use it to protect my social standing while I fix things on my terms. "Okay, so that behavior is too far. I won't do that again, but I won't do it by *my* choice. All of this was a lot of work and I deserve an Oscar at this point. I do not want to go through that masterful performance several times again to get to all of our mutual friends. That's a lot fo effort and I don't feel like it." That makes it so it's less work for me to change the behavior on my terms to help myself, which usually makes it very doable to get my brain to let me work on it without fighting me about how I'm "just letting them push me around" because the only one pushing me around is me.

Manipulation is a great skill to have, whatever anyone says. Manipulating your own brain is probably the highest level of this, because you're outsmarting your own subconscious. When it works, it's honestly quite the power trip because now you know you're not tricking someone incompetent and unsuspecting - you're directly going after your own brain and you're *winning*. Makes it a fun game with lots of dopamine to behave in healthier ways, and everyone wins.

I don't care what anyone else thinks. There's no "right thing for the wrong reason". Right thing=good, your motives don't matter as long as you don't start using the good thing to excuse or enable more harm later. So if it's a fun game for us to stretch our wings (/idiom) by manipulating our own brain and the byproduct of that is better, less harmful behavior? Awesome. Seriously and genuinely awesome. My opinion doesn't mean much and I don't want to tell you what to do, but I mean it when I say I really enjoy doing this and it's given me so much Pavlov'd incentive to be a "better person" because it is *fun*.

Now where are the prosocials ready to attack me for "even making healing abusive". I'm ready and waiting :)/hj

Plain text below the cut:

Yes, but I can't guarantee it will work for everyone. For me, what I do to avoid this is -

Now where are the prosocials ready to attack me for "even making healing abusive". I'm ready and waiting :) /hj

#a rare unmasked aspd culture #aspd-culture-is #aspd culture is #aspd culture #actually aspd #aspd #aspd awareness #actually antisocial #antisocial personality disorder #aspd traits #anons welcome

25 notes · View notes

viksalos · 2 months

Text

The Mycelial Networking Project - A New Kind of Employment Structure for Neurodivergent Talent

Hey y'all--some of you might remember I used to be fairly active on here during my final few years of grad school, and then I nearly burned out of my PhD, found out I was autistic, and subsequently drastically reduced the time I spent on tumblr. Well, good news: I'm ok, I recovered from burnout, graduated, and discovered something surprising both in my PhD research and during my burnout recovery--cooperating with other people who are on the same wavelength as you is both more efficient for knowledge transfer in a variety of expert fields, and also socially healthier than struggling alone! Whoda thunk!

With that in mind, myself and Mykola Bilokonsky (creator of r/AutismTranslated, software developer, and Autistic coach) have been working for the past few months on the Mycelial Institute (at mycelial.institute in your address bar--I haven't linked it because tumblr search suppresses outside links, oops)

The Mycelial Institute is attempting to create a new kind of workplace that’s optimized for neurodivergent people. If you follow me on here or found this post from the tags, chances are you already know there are so many autistic, ADHD and other neurodivergent folks who have so much to give but who struggle to do so in a traditional employment context. We can be some of the most passionate experts you know and we'll still be languishing in unemployment because we're not able to do things the way everyone else does - and as a result everyone is worse off.

What if there was a different kind of employment available? One that:

Was completely worker owned, without any kind of profit-taking or power hierarchy orthogonal to the specific goals of the organization?

Understood that there are many different ways to contribute, and that some people can be profoundly valuable in some of those ways while struggling with others - and so decoupled them!

Accepted the fact that disability isn’t a fringe experience to marginalize but a core component of most peoples’ lives - especially during the age of Covid - and so prioritized accommodation?

Embraced non-punitive accountability - we have goals, we have challenges. Sometimes we can’t meet a goal because of a challenge. Instead of that being a source of shame, how can we make that an accepted learning experience and build in additional supports?

If this sounds like something you'd be interested in, please visit mycelial.institute. We are currently very early in this process, and are actively seeking collaborators. Currently we’re trying to build a diverse leadership team, meaning we want to find folks across as many marginalized identities as we can to help us make foundational decisions. This includes disability - we want non-speakers and intellectually disabled leadership as well. (You don’t need to be interested in a leadership role to fill out our submission form, we’re gathering a pool of folks in general.)

More info below the readmore:

We are the 🍄Mycelial Institute because we are inspired by the decompositional half of ecologies that often goes overlooked. Rather than competing for winner-take-all dominance, mushrooms accept that everything dies eventually and simply wait their turn to build large distributed networks that break down the waste of the broader system, giving rise to new forms of life. No ecosystem is complete without this component, and our economics generally fail to acknowledge this meaningfully.

A “Mycelial Network” here is a new kind of collective workplace. The corporate structure is such that there’s a board that steers the organization, made up of members. The organization seeks paying work from large clients who have needs that can be served by our diverse and specialized membership - but it’s not really important what kind of work that is, as long as it’s ethical. So we may do R&D for one client, engineering for another client, data analysis for another client, whatever - as long as we have folks in our membership who have things to contribute, we can match member to tasks.

The way this is structured is something we’re still working on, but we are thinking it’s likely going to be something like a Social Purpose Corporation or an L3C. The point is, we seek high paying work and exceed the expectations of our clients with specialist output, but those specialists are supported by other members as they carry out their tasks.

So there’s room in this organization for folks with e.g. a deep special interest in esoteric engineering practices, but there’s also room for those folks who derive deep satisfaction from filling out paperwork, or doing compliance or QA oversight, etc. We are a collective, and that means that everyone’s time is valuable and we sink or swim collectively.

Members are paid based on the decisions made by the board, but we’re leaning towards a flatter pay scale where folks are paid for contributing period, rather than treating some peoples’ time as more valuable than others, because we recognize that it requires a collective effort to get the work done and keep the client happy.

The organization itself may choose to keep a portion of proceeds to pay into a “Subsidy Pool”, which can be used to pay members to provide services to other members who couldn’t otherwise afford them. But nobody is getting a cut just for investing or anything like that, this institution doesn’t exist to enrich founders, it exists to cast a wide net of support for members of the served community.

(So far everyone involved is US-based and this will likely be a US-based organization, at least to start. That said, we don’t yet know what we don’t know, and welcome collaborators from other parts of the world at least for early days when we’re not making money etc yet anyway.

Just, we’re going to be figuring it out as we go along.)

-> mycelial.institute <-

#autism #autistic #actually autistic #adhd #audhd #neurodivergent #neurodiversity #neurospicy #disability #text

23 notes · View notes

fishing-lesbian-catgirl · 5 months

Text

I understand…

that my failures to incorporate things that would contribute to improving my health, like exercising, is not a moral failing. I understand that to a certain degree, my inability to do much of anything with my time not spent at my full time job don’t necessarily make me a worse person. I understand that my mental illness contribute significantly to my constant fatigue and that comparing myself to other people is fruitless because we have different conditions of living. I understand that my behaviors, never leaving my apartment, never exercising, staying up too late trying to make up for how much time is lost to having a full time job, and spending all my time looking at screens, regardless of whether they are “coping mechanisms” or simply how i do things, are somewhat responsible for me being frequently depressed and exhausted. I understand that most of said behaviors are things I do as a result of other problems I have, and that they can typically be traced back to previously mentioned mental illnesses. I understand that progress is gradual, and that even though I feel like I’m going nowhere and getting worse, if I simply look back on where I was and compare it to where I am now I can see that I’ve made a ton of progress. I understand that even if I was truly stagnating, failing to improve in any meaningful way or even if I was getting worse, that wouldn’t mean I’m a bad person. I understand that, all things considered, just getting through each day is a success I should be happy with. I understand that there are other people who have it worse or who have spiraled further down into misery, and I understand that that isn’t a moral failing either. I understand that life is unfair. I understand that the conditions of living in our society the way it currently is are massively contributing factors to misery and depression. I understand that if I want to feel less miserable I need to make small steps, and that one day maybe I won’t be constantly fatigued, maybe I won’t be afraid and ashamed of existing, maybe I’ll be healthier, maybe I’ll have the energy to cook more, maybe I’ll be less lonely. I understand that even if it takes years to get there, I am taking it step by step. I understand that one of the large reasons why I am feeling so terrible at the current moment to make this post is that I’ve gone half a week without my proper prescription doses of my extremely mood affecting hormones medications. I understand that reason I am currently and frequently go days without proper prescription doses is because I forget or put off the appointments and phone calls and other steps I need to do to prevent the problems until it’s too late. I understand that my reason for trying so hard to put off said problems until I can’t ignore it anymore is because whenever I think about the future and the things I have to do I get so overwhelmed by anxieties and fears that it sends me into its own depression spiral. I understand that all of this doesn’t make me a worse person. I understand that my original intent to make this post end with “what I don’t understand is what I’m supposed to do to try to fix all this” is self defeating and negative and would completely undercut all the sentences I literally just typed to tell myself that I’m making progress. I understand that I have a lot of problems. I understand that I’m doing my best to do what I can, and that being hard on myself for not doing more only makes it harder with no benefit.

So. I guess I understand.

#ramblings and rantings and whatnot and so forth

20 notes · View notes

furiousgoldfish · 2 years

Text

Starting to see that it's actually very normal for the abused kids to get themselves in sort of, bad situations in real life, and then just slowly progress to less-bad, and less-bad, until it gets to a place where we feel comfortable, or at least we're able to hold on without having a crisis.

This doesn't happen because as an abused kid, you're now doomed or attract toxic people, those are just myths. It is true that we will easily tie several bad things that have happened to us together, and decide that it's a proof that things will always be bad for us, and that isn't true either, bad things actually do happen to everyone. With us, it just hits worse, feels worse, triggers us and forces us to re-live everything else bad that has happened, and creates more ominous symbolism. We're also unlikely to receive comfort, so we're always in our bad situations alone and feel abandoned. That is enough to make anyone despair.

But there is a timeline with a fairly slow progression from 'abuse' to 'less abuse' to 'healthier environment'. I don't think I know any cases where a person went from abuse to 'safe and loved for eternity', and it has to do with how we view the world, and how everything we learn is relative to each other.

For instance, after running away from abusive parents, I spent a long time being just extremely grateful that I'm not in physical danger anymore, and that nobody is yelling at me. There were several injustices happening to me, I was financially exploited despite being in severe poverty, I accidentally associated myself with people who exploited my labour and did some extremely sick things to me, but how would I notice? I was busy feeling grateful for not being assaulted. You can't tell someone who just got out of hell 'hey, this is bad too, actually', because what they're seeing is 'this is so much better than hell, this is the best situation I've ever been in, I'm so grateful this isn't worse, this level of injustice is nothing.'

But, to a person who hasn't experienced severe abuse or injustice, it wouldn't be 'nothing', it would be stuff worth calling the police over.

We just can't see it because, relatively to our life, this is the best we ever experienced, and whatever bad things are happening, are usually detected as 'minor' and ignorable'. This is likely to get us into several bad situations, but it's also inevitable, we can't quickly jump from abuse to healthy. It takes some layers of bad for us to notice that we could actually, do better. Sometimes the bad situations turn into worse, and then we realize it's actually bad and triggering, and we get out. Sometimes, bad people go away all on their own, and we realize then, that we're happier.

The good news is, that after getting away from the worst of the abuse, we often will feel like 'this is the most freedom I ever had, this is the best I was ever treated, this is the most love I've ever gotten, I'm so grateful this is better than before', and that is a good thing to experience. Bad thing about it is that often sometimes later, we will go 'oh. that actually was bad and I couldn't tell.' but the point is, you're smarter now, and you'll realize it next time, and slowly you'll always keep going toward better and better life situations.

I'm writing this to let you know it happens to everyone else too. We all go thru some level of additional messes and we don't see them as messes, we only realize it in retrospect. So don't blame yourself if you don't know how exactly to put yourself in a good situation after you've experienced so few of them! It might be a rocky road, but it won't feel like one, not until you look back. You're always moving forward, and every single thing you didn't realize at the time, that it was bad, is generally how we all move forward and learn about these things. You can't know it all at once.

#escaping abuse #abuse aftermath #child abuse #abusive parents #trauma recovery #abuse recovery #recovering from abuse #going from worst to bad to better to good

209 notes · View notes

un-monstre · 1 year

Text

I really think that abled people can't conceptualize of someone's health not improving. Even people I talk to regularly don't seem to understand that I'm not going to get better. Ever. I'll never be able to be on my feet for more than a few hours at most without serious exhaustion and pain the next day. At best, I can find aids that help me, stay active, and hopefully avoid getting too much worse.

It sounds like I'm being a downer, but staking my happiness on a healthier self I'll never achieve is incredibly depressing. Planning far too much for one day and having to cut out early is depressing. Working myself until I'm ready to throw up and being unable to move the next day is depressing. What empowers me is being realistic about my limits and finding ways to enjoy life without hurting myself, and I wish abled people would acknowledge how hard I work to try to make a life for myself that I can safely enjoy.

#chronic illness #spoonie

161 notes · View notes

lestappenforever · 5 months

Note

Jos doesn't like Kelly, absolutely everyone knows that. They don't get along. And there is also tension between Kelly, Sophie and Victoria. They are much less close. Max sees them much less often than before due to that. The last time he spent time with them was for 1 day in December. This year they didn't attend Kelly's birthday party, Kelly wasn't invited to Victoria's bayshower. And Max's famous birthday where there was no Jos, Victoria and Sophie were treated like strangers, they weren't even at the same table as Max, he was surrounded by Kelly's entourage. Max is no longer as close to his family because there are tensions with Kelly. He spends most holidays with the piquet family. During the grand prix in the Netherlands he arrives late and leaves immediately, but for the grand prix in Brazil he arrives earlier and leaves later to spend time with the piquet. Which says a lot. This is not the image of the perfect family that Kelly is trying to sell. Max has boundaries with all members of his family.

(max has the talent to be surrounded by the right people 🙄🙄)

I don't really understand where all this is coming from as I was talking about how hard it is for a child to cut off ties with an abusive parent, and I really don't understand why some people absolutely jumped at the chance to bring that woman into the conversation when she had absolutely nothing to do with the original ask. I cannot stand talking about her, so this is the only ask I will answer about this. Other asks about that woman's involvement will be deleted.

I believe your take is absolutely right, anon, although none of it changes Max's turbulent relationship with his father due to the years of abuse, nor does it change the fact that Jos is still very heavily involved in the professional aspects of Max's racing career and has been the entire time, which a lot of people seem intent to keep judging him for despite having no idea what it's like to have an abusive parent. This has been the case for many, many years, long before that woman even became a figure in Max's life.

But yes, it does seem like Max’s relationship with his other family members have also changed for the worse since getting involved with that woman and her family, which breaks my heart. The thing is, when you grow up with an abusive parent, it's incredibly easy to get drawn towards other toxic, awful people and get completely caught up in their circles, causing you to detach from your own family. I've been in the same position myself and it's a terrible situation. It's not an intentional thing, but when you're conditioned to that sort of toxicity, you can't really help it. Not without proper help that you yourself need to seek out and be open to, at least, which definitely isn’t easy when you're surrounded by those types of people.

Look, this is just my personal opinion and stems from my own experience and the people that have been in my life over the years, but I will say this: The less you post about your relationship and/or your family life on social media and gush about it to anyone who will listen, the happier and healthier said relationship and/or family life is. The more you post about your "perfect" relationship and/or family life on social media and gush about it to anyone who will listen, the less happy, healthy and perfect it actually is. Every happy couple and family I know barely post about how happy and perfect their lives are on social media. They don't gush about it to anyone who will listen, but they will light up whenever they're asked about it or it comes up naturally in a conversation. The ones that really struggle? The "perfect family life" posts and unprompted yapping is endless.

Before my parents' divorce, which was about 25 years overdue, my father would make the most picture-perfect posts on Facebook. He'd talk people's ears off about our "perfect" family life that couldn't be further from the truth. And the more "happy and wonderful" the posts and the conversations were, the more un-fucking-bearable our home life was.

Again, this is just my personal opinion on the matter, but the way that woman is absolutely trying to push that perfect, happy family agenda just makes me think that the reality is the exact opposite.

#Asks #Anon asks #MV asks

20 notes · View notes

abysshydra · 3 months

Text

Its been quite a while after our host started fronting less and less. Recently he stopped joining the front room at all. Ironically, despite being scared for our and his well-being, I feel nothing but some sort of unusual relief.

When several stressful situations happened, we started taking turns and just letting our brain go wild with it's choices. New fronter, old fronter, someone absolutely random or someone it thinks is best suited for the job at hand. This was supposed to let us explore our individuality and give us freedom, but the people we were with made things worse.

With how our brain works, if someone is mentioned, not as a character but as a part of our system, they are instantly pushed closer to front, sometimes switching to the mentioned person. When our brain insisted on having someone else piloting our life, we were forced to have our host as a pilot. Already stressed out and tired part of our brain couldn't rest at all and even I found myself fronting non-stop just to make sure he's fine.

After that constant masking in a place we deemed safe stopped, everything has gone quiet. Host is finally asleep, we are finally free to do what we want without someone punishing us for being distinct. That fear of having individuality finally took shape. We were afraid of new and sudden freedom, but not what it meant.

That open field we were left with gave us an opportunity to discover more about each other and ourselves. People who were suited for only one job finally found something that determines their personality and identity, instead of being stuck in a box. New members have more opportunity to gain sentience and we finally are able to greet them with open arms. We discovered so many new things about us as a whole and as parts, negative and positive.

I know that being pushed to mask so much we lose our sense of individuality and are drained of our energy is stressful for us. We never felt too disconnected from each other, we always work together.

Whatever everyone says, but being separate made us happy, it made us feel safer and healthier than before. And it will be better if people understood our individuality more. I am happy knowing I am myself, I am happy when people speak to me as separate.

Systems will exist no matter what. And those who are like us, who choose being multiple, who are better that way, deserve a safe future. The future is plural, and we need to accept it.

#abyss speaks #unit: glitch #pluralgang #actually plural #plural system #endo safe #pro endo #the future is plural

12 notes · View notes

raineyana · 1 month

Note

What is your normal grocery list? I’m about to be living at a dorm and I am looking for stuff to stock up on, I can’t really keep frozen foods though

i actually dont even cook all that much so i dont keep a lot of frozen foods either. this is my regular list when i go, usually weekly.

FASTING FOODS

okay so youre probably like. raine you arent supposed to eat anything when you fast. hear me out bc this is how i consistently fast a 20-4 schedule everyday, with a lot less binges than before, AND getting all of the benefits of fasting. and yeah, i still binge from time to time, but my binges are far less because my stomach actually cannot handle being fed over 1000 calories anymore, especially not all at once.

these are my ESSENTIALS so theyre pretty much the only things i consistently buy weekly.

cucumbers

chicken broth (0cal kind)

seaweed snacks

pickled ginger

tea (any, but i like trying new flavors ! my favorite is lemon ginger because it helps digestion, and green tea because it speeds up your metabolism. also a lot healthier than diet coke with the same amount of caffeine, also less likely to spike your blood sugar and kick you out of ketosis- which will make your cravings for food much worse)

...dont get me wrong i couldnt live without diet coke. but sometimes ill go for the healthier option.

why i eat these foods while i fast

these are foods that have extremely low cals and carbs (like less than 2 grams per/serving) so they wont kick you out of ketosis (which is the major benefit to fasting, where your body burns fat at a higher rate). when youre in ketosis, your body stops sending you as many cravings, which is why sometimes it feels easier to fast 24 hours after you last ate as opposed to 3 hours.

because i spend the majority of my time fasting, (and i would never be able to do that without these foods) i go through these items pretty quick.

but otherwise i only have to buy other healthy foods on a biweekly or even monthly basis, because i wont eat them as fast ! heres some things i rotate through depending on how sick of them i am lol.

regular food

built bars - essential for me. tons of protein, less sugar than other bars, and relatively low cal.

somebody on here introduced me to these and im soo glad they did. i dont remember who but if youre seeing this ilysm.

tuna creations packets - rly good for on the go, tons of flavors, lots of protein so they're really filling for only being 70-90cals depending on the flavor

blueberries + apples - so hard to over eat these two items, plus fiber

rice cakes - self explanatory

pistachios or sunflower seeds - great for curbing hunger, but im a little sick of them rn

a low cal air popped popcorn - i forget which brand i have rn, but its pretty good and has a lot of fiber.

chobani yogurt + yogurt protein drinks (50cal) - the fact that these r 50cals amaze me for how good they taste. the yogurt drinks are my favorite bc theres actually a shit ton of protein and taste pretty good without actually having to make myself a protein shake. the cookies and cream and peaches and cream are my favorites ive tried. good for breaking a fast with.

thats all i can think of atm ! sry for the fucking essay i hope this was a little helpful at least.

typing this out manically made me realize im a little crazy. i cant say with my whole chest that you should listen to me and my d1sordered thoughts, but i think everyone on here knows that already so... uh

please be kind to yourselves. take ur vitamins (even while fasting) i genuinely love you all every one of you fucked up bitches like me.

goodnight <3

#a4a diary #tw a4a #a4a motivation #a4a #a4a buddy #a4a coach #a4a tips #st⭐️rve #light as a feather #⭐️rving

18 notes · View notes

raveneira · 29 days

Note

Random but i miss 2020/21/22 when the KawaSara fandom was so active, now i barely see people talking about them or making content. Someone needs to bring back the KawaSara fandom somehow😭.

Ikr? its not much but I am trying to bring the fandom back to life as best I can but Im pretty much a one woman army lol plus a lot of personal life stuff has had me busy which hindered my efforts a bit that Im trying to make up for now, starting with hosting this years KawaSara week since the original organizers didn't do it last year and didn't appear to be going to this year either, so I took over because I knew we had support, fans were telling me how sad they were that it didn't happen last year and was begging for someone to organize it this year, so I took that upon myself to do because I didn't wanna see the week not happen this year either because nobody else stepped up to make it happen.

It sucks how so many got run off by bsa constantly harassing them and making them fearful of even making content for the ship because they knew they would get harassed and didn't wanna deal with it.

Alot of ppl also lost faith in the ship, which is understandable, but stupid IMO because there are ships that have gone through worse than KawaSara and became canon but for some reason ppl treated this like 'oh no, conflict, no way this is happening' and Im just like...danm yall really don't know how shipping works huh? but I mean to each their own but like Vegebul is right there if you wanna see a ship thats been through some REAL shit and look at em now.

It's like todays new age shipping everything has to be smooth sailing, super healthy, super pure, minimal to no conflict, for ppl to ship it and believe it'll be canon when that just isn't how it goes.

Like I even saw a shade tweet one time talkin about 'I actually like my ships vanilla, whats wrong with actually wanting a healthy ship built on mutual respect and positive development without any conflict or drama etc' and Im just like...OK? who tf said you couldn't? but these newbies actually treat shipping like some purity contest and have a weird superiority complex for liking the 'healthier' ships and anyone who doesn't like the 'healthy' ship are weird and horrible and don't care about xyz characters etc

Its so dumb, and childish, if all storytellers followed their logic then we wouldn't have some of the best ships in fiction because only the 'healthy' ones would be canon.

Nobody is saying they cant like healthy ships, but doing so does not make them superior to anyone else nor does it give them the right to dictate what other ppl should ship simply because they disagree and think only healthy ships should be supported, thats what ppl have a problem with. You can argue the opposite side has done the same but there is a big difference in severity between the two, 'healthy' shippers act way more superior and aggressive than 'toxic' shippers [as they call them] are.

But on the bright side KawaSara week has been announced to be happening this year and a surprising amount of ppl liked and retweeted it, so it just goes to show KawaSara fans DO still exist and enjoy the ship, they just went quiet or into hiding because of the harrassment.

And guess what? even tho the event page was specifically tagged KAWASARA don't you know antis 'somehow' found it? not even a day passed since it was posted before multiple antis flocked to the announcement to talk shit, that is a prime example right there why KawaSara fans got so quiet and discouraged from making content and talking about the ship, because THIS is what happens when you dare not fall in line with the BoruSara hivemind cult.

If you dont treat Sarada like Borutos exclusive property whos whole world and character revolves around him, then you don't care about Sarada or her feelings

Their logic not mine, so if you dare pair Sarada with someone other than Boruto who they believe owns her, then you don't care about her. If you don't support the narrative THEY set for her regardless if its been confirmed or stated as a canon fact or not, then you don't care about her because fanon interpretations > canon.

This is why I say this behavior screams insecure, I dunno how you could be the most popular ship with the biggest fandom and the most support, a hug in both the anime and manga, being 'fed good' more than any other ship, yet still be THIS triggered by KawaSara just EXISTING

keep in mind this is the ship they claim is dead, a crackship with zero chance of happening, yet they get so riled up everytime KawaSara is mentioned or so much as have a crumb together they all flock to try and discredit and undermine it, if KawaSara fans just have even a tiny bit of fun and happiness with the ship they come flocking to discourage you and make you feel bad.

That level of obsession with a ship you claim has NO CHANCE and is a non threat because your ship is already canon and set in stone, admit it or not, but their behavior screams that their threatened and arent really confident in their ship themselves which is why they feel the need to try and keep KawaSara down to lift themselves up because its the only way they feel secure, by making US go away, and when we don't, they get mad, because for some odd reason they just cant stand to see another shp besides BoruSara getting attention, love, and support, it drives them MAD.

Which is why you cant convince me their not insecure about their ship, that their not threatened by KawaSara, because to put it into perspective think about it like this, do you see SNS being bothered by SasuHinas existence? no right? know why? cuz their secure in their ship and don't feel threatened by SH, so SH is free to exist openly without SNS harassing them because they don't care, SH is irrelevant and has zero impact on them.

Thats how you would think BoruSara would be given how they boast about themselves, how much they have going for em, their popularity, their support, many moments, you'd think they'd be on cloud 9 not even paying little ol KawaSara and BoruSumi any mind but they do, and for some reason its KawaSara especially that gets under their skin more than anything which is strange tbh since thats the ship thats not even semi canon yet.

Lemme put that into perspective, they are more insecure about a ship thats not even semi canon yet, than BoruMitsu, BoruSumi, KawaAda and BoruAda that are semi canon [since many bsa also ship ksu] let that sink in.

I dunno why they have such a specific hatred towards KawaSara, maybe its because a lot of them hate Kawaki, and because Boruto is the top male prize and Sarada is the top female prize in their eyes, therefore nobody else is good enough for them but each other. And by top prizes, Im talking primarily about eugenics and status.

Read between the lines, what was Sakura? the pretty girl all the guys wanted, what was Sasuke? the cool handsome guy from a prestigious clan all the girls wanted, now what is Sarada? the cool pretty Uchiha princess, what is Boruto? the cool young lord all the girls fall for, their not subtle about it at all.

They discredit Sumire's feelings as insincere so she don't feel like a threat, they diminish and downplay Kawakis bond with team 7 and insist he's not even a part of it, they weirdly were fixated on Kawaki's body being inorganic and therefor concluding he was infertile and therefore couldn't have kids and therefore that'd be the end of the Uchiha clan if she was with him [which is telling of how they perceive her that her primary goal in the relationship would be popping babies, not love] they deny Kawaki as a part of the Uzumaki fam, saying he's unworthy, Naruto should disown him, etc etc, to keep him as the worthless orphan that deserves to die they want him to be.

Again, read between the lines, they dont give a danm about Boruto and Sarada together fr fr, this ship is about eugenics, this ship is about being able to brag about the young lord baggin the Uchiha heiress/Hokage, its about bragging rights, its about having the ship with the 2 biggest prizes, its about OP babies finally fulfilling their long weirdly held desire to see what those clan bloodlines mixed together would create, its about saying you don't want SS 2.0 except when its the ship you want then suddenly its A-ok

Foh man

Sorry I went on a bit of a rant but It really is annoying that KawaSara fans cant just exist in peace and always gotta hear them telling us why we shouldn't ship it, why it has no chance, why BoruSara is so superior and set in stone and we should just accept it yatta yatta yatta instead of just minding their danm business.

Yes I know all fandoms are guilty of this, but none like BoruSara, why? cuz its a far bigger fanbase with more support and they use it to their advantage, doesn't help that a lot of boruto stans support the ship as well as many Sarada fans [mostly Boruto stans tho] they even have SS and NH support too, so you cannot compare it. Their a much larger fandom with way more support that makes it extremely easy for them to bully every other fandom because their much smaller and they know it, everyone knows it, but they get away with it cuz whos gonna stop em? their the biggest and the loudest and therefore are right by default because the smaller fandoms are just 'haters' and 'jealous' 😒 lemme stop here

Bottom line I agree, it was nice back then before Ikemoto changed so much when he took over the writing after Kodachi left, ever since then he has completely butchered Sarada's character beyond recognition, not because she understandably cares and worries about her friend, but because thats ALL she cares and worries about, I don't think anyone has even noticed that Sarada hasn't mentioned Naruto or her mother once since the timeskip started besides that one speech that wasn't about either of them, but just about her defending Boruto, not about any grief over her idol being killed, not remorse for sending her dad away and leaving her mom without her husband, no the one and only time she mentions them is to defend Boruto which is abusmal, she didn't even mention her own dad until Boruto MADE her ask about him.

If thats the ship you want me to support then Im good, I don't want a ship where her only personality trait, motivations, goals, and character as a whole revolves entirely around a man and nothing else, just how to make HIS life better and being there for HIS pain and growth and only lifting HIM up while staying in the background doing nothing and having nothing going on for herself.

I know this may sound like 'but wait that makes it sound like KawaSara wont be canon' no Im not saying that, KawaSara is not off the table even with all that bs Ikemoto has done so far, like I said with Vegebul and just shipping in general, just because things look bad doesn't mean you lost, you haven't lost until somethings made official.

Are BoruSara together? no, are they semi canon? no, have either of them been shown or confirmed to have romantic feelings for each other? no, so nothing is lost yet, even if they were semi canon that still wouldn't be a loss because the other half has to reciprocate, like just cuz Sakura, Ino, and Karin liked Sasuke didn't mean he had to reciprocate any of them, just like even if Sarada liked Boruto doesn't mean he has to reciprocate those feelings or vice versa.

The only time a ship has truely 'lost' is when its actually dead, like one half of it dies for example, or its rival ship gets together, or their relationship is ruined beyond repair, like to the point of no possibility of redemption, only then has a ship truely 'lost' and 'died'

So no, none of this is me saying KawaSara cant still happen, it definitely can, especially with Ikemoto and Kishimoto saying Kawaki would be getting more development soon so there's that, if we get more Kawaki focus there might be some Sarada focus in there too in between. I don't wanna speculate tho but thats just a possibility Im throwing out there.

Regardless, sorry for the rant, but I'm really frustrated by this too because its 2024 now and ppl still cant leave KawaSara tf alone? thats what I meant when I said they take advantage of their size, they know they can silence us, but nobody can silence them, and that pisses me off but what can you do.

But hopefully the announcement of KawaSara week this year will get the fandom active and making content again for fans to enjoy, I will try to contribute something myself, I can understand why a lot of ppl might not wanna bother because of the hate they know they'll receive but I hope they don't let that stop them, it was bad enough KawaSara week wasn't hosted last year and everyone was really bummed about it, I don't want them to be happy seeing it happen this year only to not participate because antis wont let them have fun and enjoy the event in peace 🙏 I really hope the fam stays strong and don't let antis stop them from enjoying THEIR event.

#rave responds #kawasara #pro kawasara #anti-bsa

7 notes · View notes

variousbones · 3 months

Text

If I could eat healthier and exercise more, I fucking would

An autistic rant about health/wellness advice

I am so sick and fucking tired of these health experts telling me to just exercise and eat healthier. I know. I am aware. Don’t you think that if it was accessible to me that I would fucking do it? I am not the poor ignorant lamb desperately in need of a wise shepherd to lead me to greener, safer pastures. I know Americans are eating ourselves to death. I know the food I eat is processed. I know I don’t exercise enough. I fucking know.

In fact I know all about macro and micro nutrients and what a balanced meal looks like and complete proteins versus incomplete and the important of eating organic because it has the most nutrients and on and on and on.

And I know that movement is essential to live. I even know multiple different ways to structure workouts for different outcomes. Muscle gain, cardio training, targeting specific muscle groups, warm ups and cool downs. I know ways to incorporate movement into my day that aren’t just going to the gym. I know there are all kinds of classes for every kind of workout or activity I can imagine. I know all of it.

My problem is not ignorance and I’m so fucking sick of so much of the current popular health rhetoric acting like we’re all just too stupid to understand. Yes, information suppression about food and exercise is a huge problem.

And also.

Can we stop acting like these are individual choices?

I cannot Girlboss my way out of this shit.

I have sensory issues, dietary restrictions, specific textural and taste needs, a highly dopamine-driven brain, and poor executive functioning without medication or other extreme intervention.

I cannot simply just start eating grilled chicken salads and chia pudding. I eat what I eat because it’s accessible to me. Because I can get it down my throat without gagging or crying. Because it’s the only consistently appetizing thing. Because it’s safe and predictable.

I’m tired of this nihilistic, individualist ass approach. I’m tired of every health expert telling me that I’m killing myself with what I eat. I might as well just beat them to the punch and off myself now because apparently non-dairy milk is too processed too but I’m fucking lactose intolerant and cannot stand the taste/smell of dairy.

Like what is the fucking point of living if the only way that’s successful for me right now with my disabilities is apparently super evil and bad? What is the fucking point of trying if most of the “good foods” are repulsive to me?

We are in eating disorder territory.

I am so tired of this black and white all or nothing rhetoric. You know what’s worse than eating processed food? Not eating at all! Or eating very little and then purging because of the guilt you feel about the horrible evil bad food you DID manage to choke down!

I know most of these books and workshops and Ted talks aren’t written with disability in mind and you’re supposed to take the information with a grain of salt but 1) autistic black and white thinking makes that extremely hard to do in practice 2) the language used plus adhd rejection sensitive dysphoria makes it so I feel like I’M wrong and bad and evil for living like this and 3) it’s just so tiring to never be considered in health spaces and for all these gurus to make broad sweeping statements that isolate and shame disabled people

Just like every other part of the disabled experience I have just about fucking had it with people telling me things, assuming I’m not disabled or assuming that I can automatically filter it through my disability brain to understand how it applies to me. Give me information for better health that is accessible to me!!! Without shaming me for things I cannot fucking control because I have all these developmental disorders!!! And OBVIOUSLY this is exponentially more difficult for people with chronic physical illnesses and higher support needs who have even more restrictions than me. If you have a feeding tube, I really doubt that grass-fed free range meat is accessible for you. There’s just a certain point where constant “awareness” about an issue just becomes harmful because I can do fuck all about it. Yes I have a certain amount of agency and power but girl it’s a disability for a reason and I can’t just personal choice feminism my way out of it. Every time I see this health stuff I’m reminded of my limitations and how egregiously unhealthy I am and how I’m gonna end up in an early grave and all this and that and how I just have to CHOOSE to live healthier. As if I have all that many choices here. I am already grabbing life by the horns but this metaphorical bull wants me dead.

8 notes · View notes

macnmooore · 3 months

Text

Another outsiders fic like I promised, sorry if it’s ooc

It had been a few days in the church and with all honestly me and Johnny began to go insane with how quiet everything is and how there was nothing to do. I was starting to miss the gang, hell even Darry, I shouldn’t have overreacted, Johnny and I wouldn’t have been in this mess if I wasn’t dumb enough to run away from home. Maybe Bob would’ve lived. But then again those damn Socs were circling around our territory as if looking for us. Maybe it was a good thing that I was there with Johnny. I don’t know, I don’t know a lot of things as I say I do. Darry says I don’t know how to think for nothing. Maybe I don’t, I don’t know. Johnny hasn’t been taking the killin’ all that well. I can’t blame him. I'd go crazy too if I killed a guy. I wouldn’t want to, Dally might, he’s the type of hoodlum that would kill.

Lately, me and Johnny have been playing games to pass the time. Some real, others made up. We played so many card games that the newly bought deck of cards began to wear out around the edges. We also played childish games like I eye spy. I remember, Sodapop, I and Darry playing that once in a while when our parents were alive. I miss them and my brothers. Darry is harsh on me but he’s only twenty, Soda likes to remind me of that. You’d think that since Darry is still young that he would go easy on me but he ain’t. He's more harsh on me than dad ever was. He lets Soda get away with everything but he can’t even let me walk on my own without berating me. I won’t bother Johnny with all this stuff, his home life is worse than mine. Yet, it’s so quiet. I don’t mind the quietness that happened between us before but now that it’s just the two of us without Two-Bit butting in or Dallas saying a crude remark towards some broad it’s awful with just our thoughts. I wonder what Johnny thinks about.

I hate bologna. I swear I’m going to loot this damn church and I’m getting canned tuna and crackers…

I started to search around the church looking at the little office it had to store donations and other stuff. As I moved things around Johnny walked towards me, his attention caught on the ruckish I’m making.

“Whatcha up to Pone?” He asked, his face puzzled , tilting his head to his left a bit as he spoke. Johnny’s voice sounded off but I had thought nothing of it at first.

“Lookin’ for to see if I can find anything that might lead me to eating something other than the same sandwiches.” I explained, sifting through old papers and other trinkets. I guess Johnny was also growing tired of bologna sandwiches as well as he began to help me search around the office. I heard him sniff and sneeze often as we hunted for cash, at first I thought maybe it was from the dust and dirt but it was September, it was getting chiller and Johnny got easily sick from the weather. You’d think since he spends his nights sleeping in a lot he’d have a good immune system but I suppose not. I really hope he isn’t sick since whatever money we do find will have to be spent on getting him medicine.

“It’s been getting real warm lately hasn’t it Pony?” Johnny said suddenly. It hasn’t been getting warmer. ‘Maybe the room has been getting stuffy with the two of us in it?’ I thought of, knowing I was lying to myself.

“No it hasn’t. What are you talking about? It’s autumn.” I corrected, I sounded a bit annoyed but I wasn't. “You might be sick, Johnny.” I stated out loud, I stopped what I was doing and stepped forward towards Johnny. Instinctively I placed the back of my palm on Johnny’s forehead and then to the side of his face. Where his cheekbone and the space between the face and the ear. It was way too hot for Johnny’s skin, he’s usually always so cold to the touch, even in the summer.

“You’re sick Johnny. I was right.” I removed my hand from his face. “We’ll just use any money we find for some cough syrup and then some canned soup since that’s probably healthier than the same damn sandwich.” I detailed before returning to look around the room for cash or anything we could pawn off. Johnny also began helping me again but he had to butt in once again as we searched.

“I ain’t that sick Ponyboy, don’t need all that medicine.” Johnny counteracted, trying to stop me from looking for tender. That’s a rather dumb thing to do. I could always change my mind and use the money for anything else if I wanted but I’m not that cruel, unlike Bob.

“Even if you ain’t that sick I could still catch the same thing you have so it’s best if we got some medicine. It don’t cost that much.” I lied, “Hey if it makes you feel better we can steal it as we buy our canned food,” I brought up mindlessly. Johnny stopped for a second to give me a look of I want to say confusion but I wasn’t too sure. I was starting to sound like Two-Bit, first the wise comments now stealing that we could pay.

“Oh yeah well how are you gonna hide a cough syrup bottle then?” Johnny criticized,

“Then help me look for cash or something we can sell to get medicine then, You uhh you- you curly ass rat!” I spat out, Johnny looked annoyed at me. He sighed and left the office to go out back, probably to wash his rat curls. I went about looking for any left behind money or something valuable. I didn’t end up finding anything.

#the outsiders #johnny cade #ponyboy curtis #mini fic #sick #pb&j duo #canned food #canned tuna #bologna

9 notes · View notes

mbti-notes · 1 year

Text

Anon wrote: I'm an ENFP, I'm 30 years old and I’m really needing to work on my self-confidence for me and for dealing with people. I’ve read in our blogs some posts that reinforce the importance of developing skills to have confidence. I think it's very legitimate.

In this process of learning new things, I often find myself in great difficulty and my inner child agonizes with insecurity. I look at friends who have confidence in themselves as something natural: confidence that they will learn, confidence in themselves, but unfortunately I am very unstructured (poor growth environment, without incentives), so I have a lot of difficulty trusting myself: especially being so inexperienced, clumsy and slow to learn everything.

What gets worse is being in environments where people don't have patience with beginners. Like now I'm living in a foreign country where people are very rude in the workplace. This hurts me a lot, because I have problems asserting myself and being respected. I discovered that they need rudeness to respect others. How to deal with this? Would I be able to impose myself without getting nervous and acting rude (as they usually have to do)?

And more, how can we learn from this situation? How can I be truly confident and also how can I simply demonstrate more confidence to make myself respected? I'm tired of conveying weakness. People don't value my sweetness it's not a good tool for me right now. How to develop self-confidence, at least start to demonstrate a little confidence and boundaries! And in the midst of this, the most important thing: how do you deal with such unpleasant people? Especially me being used to being such a sweet, "silly" person, always with my guard down, calm and considered weak by others.

---------------------

You seem to be talking about two issues that need unpacking separately: 1) personality, and 2) confidence.

You're having a personality clash with the people at work. Analytical psychology posits that personality clashes are disturbing because they remind you of negative things in yourself you dislike, so there is a need to go within to see what's really happening.

To be clear, I'm not denying that toxic people/environments exist. I believe your description and I would certainly dislike the workplace myself. The point I'm making is, when you have no choice but to be in that sort of environment, there are healthier ways to navigate it, but being judgmental about people is not a healthy way. Judgmentalness is a sign of projection, which is an unhealthy defense mechanism, see previous posts on the topic.

One basic thing type theory teaches us is there are different people in this world. Therefore, one must always begin with acceptance of differences, if one hopes to have healthy relationships in every realm of life. You've come to identify with the so-called "sweet" aspects of your personality. When you identify with one side of yourself, you tend to unconsciously valorize that side, otherwise, you might end up hating yourself. However, in the process of valorizing that side, you inadvertently end up denying, devaluing, dismissing, or denigrating its opposite. It's no accident that these "rude" people trigger you. They bring to light your unconscious self-rejections.

Workplace = professionalism. To succeed in any workplace, it's important to set a clear boundary between private and public. It isn't appropriate to use the workplace to hash out personal issues. E.g. It's not a place to play games about who you favor or dislike. It's not a place to seek validation to soothe your insecurities. I would even argue it's not a great place to seek friendship or companionship. When you bring the personal into the professional, you are more likely to create mess, drama, discord, and conflict. Of course, there are people who live for messiness. Ask yourself exactly what role you want work to play in your life and behave in accordance with those values/principles in every workplace.

When you describe yourself in mostly positive terms ("sweet") and describe other people in very negative terms like "rude", "impatient", or "unpleasant", there is a possibility that you are biased. Typism is a bias. It means you believe some personalities/traits to be superior or inferior to others. ENFPs typically hope to get along well with all sorts of people. If you hope for that, you need to eliminate typist thinking. This requires learning to always approach people in a neutral/professional manner, even when you dislike them at first. You don't know the full story behind people. Oftentimes, the majority of people in toxic environments are just like you, i.e., struggling to survive and doing whatever it takes to keep out of trouble.

When you approach people in a neutral/professional manner, you should adopt an objective perspective about them. Yes, you see their faults, but you shouldn't lose sight of their redeeming qualities. When you're being judgmental, you're likely to dismiss people whole-hog, unable to see their redeeming qualities. Being blind to the positive means you lose opportunities for improving the situation, which means losing hope, which means losing self-confidence as you feel more and more passive and helpless.

How about, instead of using the word "rude", call them "direct" or "candid"? Instead of "impatient", how about "efficient"? When you use more neutral language to characterize people, you reinforce the idea that every personality trait has its pros and cons. When you can finally visualize the upside, you can harness it to your advantage. This allows you to let go of negative feelings and focus on the work itself. Nobody is asking you to marry these people. All you have to do is work with them long enough to get stuff done. Keep your feelings to yourself and stick only to the facts. Once work is done, go home, put it out of your mind, and get on with the rest of your life. If there are things you need to learn to improve your performance in the workplace, spend time on self-improvement outside of work in order to speed up your progress.

With regard to confidence, when people bring up "lack of confidence", they often conflate several different concepts including: self-confidence, self-efficacy, self-esteem, and self-worth. It can be a complicated topic, so I'll elaborate on it for future reference. Some non-native English speakers have mentioned to me that their native tongue doesn't have direct translations for these four concepts, so beware that language might be a barrier for understanding them.

These four terms are relatively new in English as well; it wasn't until recently that they've started to filter down from academia into mainstream vocabulary. We know that these four concepts are distinct because, in the course of examining people who fall broadly under the category of "confidence issues", psychologists discovered that different people had somewhat different underlying processes happening, e.g., you could be good with one but struggle with the others. Of course, over time, how people use these terms in everyday language gets fuzzy, as the meaning diverges from the original academic definitions. I'll explain my understanding of them. You specifically mention learning issues, so I'll also connect to that.

I. SELF-CONFIDENCE arises from the degree to which you feel in control. If you 1) have good self-control, 2) feel as though you mostly have control over the direction of your life, and 3) feel as though you have enough control over your environment, then you're likely to feel self-confident. Thus, reflect on whether you feel some deficits in any of the above. There are things you can do to get a firmer sense of control.

Self-control is sometimes related to discipline, which means the ability to delay immediate gratification for a more important future goal. If you tend to be spontaneous, impulsive, or rebellious, then it's easy for you to lose sight of the bigger picture and it's hard for you to follow good learning procedures, which can easily derail your learning process. Some ways to improve your self-control over time:

improve your big-picture thinking so that you don't forget about your ultimate goal (through Ne)

learn the value of following good methods/procedures for achieving a goal (stop resisting Si)

structure your environment more intentionally to eliminate distractions/temptations and reward progress (tap into Te)

Having enough control over the direction of your life often relates to your ability to make good decisions. If you tend to be very emotional, indecisive, or easily overwhelmed by too much information, then it indicates you don't have a good system for processing the information required to inform your decisions. One way to improve your information processing ability is to improve your critical thinking skills. Critical thinking involves parsing information correctly, understanding its meaning, and systematizing information, in service of determining the best course of action (see past posts and recommended books). When learning, not being able to organize information and create feasible plans means slow progress.

Feeling a sense of control over the environment is often related to problem-solving skills. What happens when you meet a problem or challenge? Anxiety? Panic? Anger? Spiraling out of control? To have good problem-solving skills involves: deducing cause and effect, analyzing situations objectively, drawing valid conclusions, and generating good ideas and action-plans. Problem-solving is an important part of the critical thinking skills mentioned above. The process of learning is never completely smooth. You are bound to meet challenges and obstacles, so how do you address them? Self-confident people don't tend to focus on how they feel about problems, rather, they mostly focus on the problem itself and try to solve it as quickly as possible. When the problem is gone, the negative feelings go away.

II. SELF-EFFICACY arises from the degree to which you have faith in yourself, specifically your abilities. Efficacy means being able to bring forth an intended result (effectively) or reach an intended goal (efficiently). When you meet a problem/challenge, do you believe you have enough knowledge and skill to overcome it? If so, you have good self-efficacy. If not, do you believe, with enough dedicated learning and improvement, you can overcome it eventually? That is also good self-efficacy. In essence, it means you believe in yourself, with regard to possessing the resources or being able to obtain the resources necessary to succeed in reaching your goals.

Self-efficacy is sometimes related to competency and mastery. Being young and inexperienced, it's normal to have lower self-efficacy than someone older and wiser. In the learning process, it's important to have compassion for yourself and evaluate your progress fairly. Is the level of competency/mastery you expect from yourself proportional to the reality of your situation? If you haven't had many learning opportunities, through no fault of your own, then you shouldn't feel ashamed for being a bit "behind". This is NOT a personal flaw/failing that deserves punishment.

Note that "ahead" or "behind" are relative terms, meaning they can be understood from different perspectives, so are you using the right perspective? For example, are you evaluating yourself through your own eyes, through the eyes of your rivals, or through the eyes of an expert on the subject matter? Use fair and reasonable benchmarks/standards to measure where you are and where you should be. One reason people of any age suffer self-doubt is because they are too honest about what they don't know or can't do, to the point where they become dismissive of what they do know and can do. It's very important to be objective and balanced when assessing what you lack by also fully recognizing what you already possess or have achieved so far.

In my humble opinion, I believe people already possess everything they need to have good self-efficacy. Human beings evolved to be adaptable and that is largely how they have succeeded as a species. You have the capacity to learn and adapt to your environment. Get back in touch with it, have faith in it, and harness it as necessary. Instead of thinking there's only ONE WAY things should/must go, be more flexible and open to alternatives (use Ne).

III. SELF-ESTEEM refers to how you generally feel about yourself. This is usually related to the kinds of beliefs you have about yourself and the part they play in constructing your self-concept. The beliefs you have about yourself (e.g. about who you are and what you are capable of) are heavily influenced by your past experiences.

One of the most common signs of low self-esteem is negative self-talk. Observe the kinds of things you say to yourself in your head. Is it mostly negative, neutral, or positive? If it's mostly negative, how are you meant to feel good about yourself? People with low self-esteem say very nasty things to themselves that they would never dream of saying to others. Why the double standard? As a "sweet" person, you have empathy for others, so be sure to extend the same empathy to yourself.

An example related to learning: I've unfortunately known too many students to abandon a subject simply because one of their (jerkass) teachers told them they would never be good at it. The negative experience led them to form the belief that "they weren't meant to study it" and couldn't succeed even if they tried. Every time they encountered the subject, the belief would rise up and they'd talk themselves out of trying. Of course, watching themselves fall further and further behind through repeated failures made them feel worse and worse about themselves. Self-esteem can be damaged in a vicious cycle: By believing the worst of yourself, you aren't properly motivated to learn and improve, and then you meet failure after failure, which then confirms your negative beliefs about yourself.

One good way to tackle low self-esteem is cognitive-behavioral therapy. A cognitive-behavioral therapist is trained to bring to light your underlying beliefs (and how they interact with your feelings and behaviors). By bringing unrealistic beliefs into consciousness, you open up space to change them or adjust them to be better aligned with reality. Perhaps you need to reflect on the beliefs you have about yourself, regarding who you are/aren't, who you're supposed/not supposed to be, what you hope/don't hope to be, what you are/aren't capable of, etc. Are your beliefs attuned to your current reality? Negative past experiences don't have to dictate your future, but they will if you're unaware of how they still influence you today.

IV. SELF-WORTH refers to feeling "good enough", specifically whether you believe you are worthy of acceptance and love. When you're young, your sense of self-worth arises in large part from how you were regularly treated by the people around you. If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional, then your self-worth likely became tied to those conditions. For example, if your parents only show you love when you get As in school, it's likely that your self-worth will become tied to your academic performance and future professional success.

Self-worth can also be damaged in a vicious cycle. If you believe you aren't worthy of love, then you signal to others that it's okay to treat you poorly, which reinforces the idea that you aren't worthy. One common way people defend against low self-worth is to make themselves into something "better" or more "worthy" to their social environment, or to obtain something they can offer in exchange for social validation of their worth (e.g. wealth or status). This striving can lead to problems with overachieving, perfectionism, anxiety, depression, self-blame, or self-harm.

One common way to tell if you suffer self-worth issues is if you are often engaged in social comparison that leads you to envy people you deem somehow "superior" to you and/or feel shame about being "inferior" to them. If that's the case, it's likely that you need to correct some faulty thinking patterns:

Don't make illogical comparisons, such as comparing your first step against someone else's thousandth step. These kinds of illogical comparisons exacerbate feelings of unworthiness. You're inflicting pain upon yourself by thinking this way.

Don't be superficial and judge people only by their cover. Remember, you don't really know what someone went through to get where they are today. Perhaps if you knew the full story, their situation wouldn't seem very enviable at all. Maybe you want to play golf as well as Tiger Woods, but would you also want to give up your childhood and constantly suffer harsh treatment as he did?

Don't expect that every person should be the same, know the same things, have the same abilities, live the same life, etc. Respect individuality, which means allow for differences between yourself and others. Understand that everyone has their own path in life rather than believing everyone should conform to the same crude standard (i.e. avoid Te loop).

Do you desperately need everyone to like you or think you're great? Wanting the approval of toxic people is basically granting them power over you. Don't hurt yourself by trying to become something you're not just because someone triggered your insecurity. Insecurity is your problem, not their problem. It is the insecurity itself you need to face up to by reflecting on where it really comes from and what it says about your ability to accept and love yourself as you are (this is related to problems with Fi development in ENFPs).

What many people with low self-worth don't understand is that self-worth starts from within; it doesn't come from the people out there. When you're able to accept and love yourself and stand proud in who you are (without all those "conditions" that were imposed upon you earlier in life), you'll then be capable of teaching others to respect you. With healthy pride in yourself, it's far easier to be assertive, set boundaries, and advocate for your needs. Why? Because you firmly believe you matter, you have a right to the space you inhabit, you have a right to be yourself, and you deserve to be treated as an equal. It's also easier to ignore, dismiss, or eject toxic people when you finally realize that you don't need or want anything from them.

All four of these concepts relate to how you perceive and evaluate yourself, but from different angles. You mention feeling insecure, but which of the above gets closer to the root of the issue? It's important to be more precise about identifying the problem if you hope to come up with the right solution.

#enfp #auxiliary fi #te loop #self confidence #self efficacy #self esteem #self worth #social comparison #envy #judgmental #self compassion #critical thinking #workplace #career #adaptability #typism #ask

30 notes · View notes