#they need to stipulate it in their contacts

[farfartothewestofeverywhere]

if Oscar and John ever actually come back to Star Wars it better canonize their feelings for each other AND have an on-screen kiss.

[steddieas-shegoes]

fairy porn crisis

for @steddieholidaydrabbles prompt 'bookstore au' wc: 964 rated m cw: dirty talk, implied sexual content tags: bookshop owner eddie, steve is having a sexuality crisis but subtly, flirting, getting together, modern au

📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖📖

"Thanks for covering for me, Wayne," Eddie said as he set his bag down behind the front desk, slightly out of breath from running from the bus. "Won't happen again."

"'S alright, son. Everything go okay with the counselor?" Wayne sipped from his mug, probably his fourth or fifth cup of coffee since he opened the shop that morning.

"Yep. Still on track to graduate in May."

Wayne's stipulation when he "sold" the bookshop to Eddie was that he still get his degree as backup. "Bookselling is a dangerous game and I won't have ya strugglin' if somethin' fails."

"Thatta boy," Wayne clapped him on the shoulder. "Been a slow morning. But your favorite customer is in the back."

Eddie felt his face heat up.

"He's not my favorite."

"Sure he isn't." Wayne rolled his eyes. "I'm off to get a beer with Dave. Call if you need me."

Eddie gave him a thumbs up as he checked over his emails, the one thing Wayne was terrible about doing when he was covering the store. There weren't many, never really were on Tuesdays.

He waited for Wayne to leave, the door chiming with his exit.

He jumped up and made his way around the counter, walking towards the back room hastily.

He found Steve sitting on the beanbag placed in the corner, book in his lap, face bright red.

Eddie squinted until he could see what book he was reading and nearly passed out.

His Ring was the first book in a series focused entirely on a group of queer mythical creatures. It was the only book of the series Eddie had read, and he'd only admit it under risk of death.

It wasn't that it wasn't good. It's just that it was basically porn.

And this one in particular focused on two male fairies, one who was gay and one who spent the entire first half of the book having a bisexuality crisis.

Steve was reading it with the prettiest blush on his face.

Steve, who up until this moment, passed as the straightest human being Eddie had ever met.

"Have you gotten to the part where Ereldi has to sit on Brelend's lap for an entire dinner?" Eddie asked.

Steve jumped and slammed the book closed, pushing it under his legs as if Eddie hadn't already called him out. "What are you talking about?"

"Stevie, I'm the last person to judge your reading habits. But I do have to ask why the sudden interest in queer fairy porn? You're usually reading sports memoirs and doing word searches."

In other words, 'are you interested in testing out your sexuality with me? I can pretend to be a mythical being if needed.'

"Just needed a change of scenery?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?"

Steve's blush deepened, and fuck, Eddie was about to be so unprofessional. Hopefully he wouldn't lose a customer over it, but it was a risk he had to take.

It's just that sometimes Eddie could swear Steve was watching him while he shelved books or swept the front room floors. And sometimes he caught him staring at him during his weekly storytime for kids where he gave out free books and cookies.

And Eddie always wanted to have Steve in his lap.

So.

"I." Steve refused to make eye contact, a sure sign that something was going on. "I just got curious. Heard someone talking about it and wanted to see if they were telling the truth."

"And were they?"

Steve didn't answer, so Eddie decided it was now or never.

"You know," he took a few steps closer to Steve. "I'm not usually one for those books. But there's something about the way they paint a very clear picture of how Ereldi rides Brelend in the forest that just draws me in." Another few steps. "Actually, Ereldi reminds me a bit of you."

Steve visibly gulped.

"But you wouldn't be interested in riding someone would you, Stevie? Prefer women to hop onto your lap and go for a ride?" Eddie's heart was racing.

And then it stopped completely when Steve gave the most unexpected answer he could have possibly given.

"I'd be interested in riding you."

Steve's wide eyes stared back at Eddie, daring him to make a joke, daring him to laugh.

Eddie wouldn't joke or laugh about this. He wasn't wasting this chance.

"Is the forest a requirement or could I go lock the front door and take you upstairs?"

Okay, so he couldn't not make a little joke.

"Forest sounds messy. Upstairs."

"Oh, I plan to make a mess of you regardless of location, sweetheart," Eddie leaned over Steve, foreheads touching, smirk growing as Steve's eyes closed. "Won't even have to get you hard, huh? The book did all the work for me."

Steve tilted his head back, lips puckering, searching for contact from Eddie's.

Eddie pulled away. "I close up in ten. You know the way upstairs?"

Steve's eyes blinked open as he nodded.

God, he was gonna be fun.

"You wanna be a good boy and wait for me up there?" Steve nodded and stood from the chair, wobbling slightly as he tried to gain his balance. "I want you naked in bed when I get up there, got it?"

"Um, I've never-" Steve started.

"Oh, sweetheart. I know. It's written all over you. I'm gonna take real good care of you, though. Better than anything you would read in that book."

"Eddie?"

"Yeah, sugar?"

"I really like you."

Eddie heard what he wasn't saying, knew without a doubt that he had to do this right or risk scaring him away from more than just the store.

"I really like you, too, Stevie." Eddie kissed his cheek. "You're in good hands."

"I know."

[leighsartworks216]

To Touch You

Astarion x gn!Tav/Reader

As someone who hates being touched (not to the extent as this fic portrays it), and also as someone who wants to hold Astarion and give him all the gentle affection he could ever wish for, I needed to write this

Warnings: touch-adverse descriptions of touch, hurt/comfort themes

Word Count: 814

Masterlist

AO3

Touch has always been difficult for you. Or maybe it started in your formative years and now you can't recall. In any case, the result is the same.

If someone brushes against your shoulder, you cringe and move to the closest open space. If someone grabs your hand, even just to pull you to safety in battle, it burns, and you have to grapple with the fact your hand feels wrong. Hugs are hell, and you've since learned how to dodge out of them or push the person away entirely.

And that's what makes this so hard. You want so terribly to give Astarion the soft affection he never had. You want to hold his hand and run your fingers through his hair and - gods forbid - you wanted to cuddle with him.

Since the relationship began, you kept your distance. Emotionally you could provide him the comfort and reassurance he needed, but physically, you sat apart, you were always at least an arm's length away. This distance has grown shorter over time, but you know it hurts him when you create it. A bubble around you. It makes him think you don't trust him, or that you still fear him after all this time. (Allowing him to drink from you was the one instance you granted him leniency, under the stipulation the only part of him that touches you is his mouth. It was worth the itchy feeling that covered your body as long as you got to see that smile.)

And even though it would hurt, you wanted to try. Try proving to him that you weren't afraid of him; that you do care for him in other ways that are easier for you to express than this.

So when you approach him as he sits outside his tent, looking determined as though you were heading into battle, Astarion was understandably confused and concerned. He watched you plop down next to him, only a few inches away. His eyebrows shot up his forehead.

"Darling? What are you-"

You shook your head, avoiding eye contact entirely to stare over his shoulder. "Just let me do this, please." With a sigh to calm your jittery nerves, you finally met his gaze. Your face morphed into something frightened and vulnerable. "Please."

A slew of questions rushed to the tip of his tongue. Do what, exactly? Why did you look so distraught? What had you been working yourself up for? Were you hurt? Were you going to tell him something awful? Were you... stepping away from the relationship? Had he pushed too far, overstepped a boundary? His mind spun with each one. But he pursed his lips to stop them all, and he nodded.

He could hear your breaths shake as you breathed deeply. You lifted your hands and they trembled, all while your heart fluttered in your chest like a frightened bunny. Slowly, you reached forward and took his hand in yours. His eyes couldn't decide where to focus: your face was tense, and you flinched at the initial contact; your hands slid over his skin, feeling the veins and callouses. You'd never initiated like this. Any time he'd tried, even delicately, your face would scrunch up and you'd create a larger gap away from him.

As you held his hand, breathing through each phantom sensation and emotion, you found it wasn't entirely unpleasant. A tingling sensation moved through your hands, up your arms, and down your spine, leaving goosebumps in its wake, but beyond that you could feel how soft his skin was. He stayed absolutely still, but you could still feel his fingers twitching against his will.

All too quickly, the feeling became unbearable. It was too much all at once. You cringed as you pulled away, rubbing your hands against the fabric of your shirt to remove the feeling. Astarion wanted to be offended - Was he truly so disgusting to touch? - until he remembered this had nothing to do with him.

"I'm sorry," you blurted out, voice wavering and anxious. "Your hands are soft, but I just can't..." You look down at your open palms, searching for words to describe it. The skin was red from your ministrations.

"Look at me, my love." Your hands clenched into fists as you met his eyes. You were still so frightened about what he thought. About how he perceived this. He smiled. "I appreciate you for trying, nonetheless. It... means a lot that you were willing to be uncomfortable for my sake.

"But," he continues, genuine smile shifting into a flirtatious smirk, "I'm perfectly content with the multitudinous forms of affection you seem to find to lavish on me. And I will do my best to share them with you, too."

You let out a long breath, relaxing for the first time since you approached him. You smiled, relieved. "Thank you, Astarion."

"Of course, my love."

[flowersandbigteeth]

Which monsters of yours would freely give their credit card to their darlings, no questions asked vs. the monsters that’d ask for a “favor” of some type in return?

And then which monsters would just say “no” to me, and leave me crying cause I wanted a new Sanrio plushie?

This is such a cute question, I love it! Answers below:

First, in the hypothetical situation where he appears magically in our world, Golmad is going to tell you "no" to Sanrio plushies. Not because he is worried about money, but because badass Orc Queens don't carry around adorable plushies, they carry weapons. He'd suggest a nice mace or a whip in the color pink. However, after he sees your pouty eyes, that plush is going to mysteriously appear in your bedroom with a mini axe strapped to its back.

After your "adjustment" period is over, Roth is issuing you your own card and sending you on elaborate shopping trips with the club girls. The caveat is you have to give him a personal fashion show when you get back to show off the clothes you bought.

Leander is pretty sure spending money is your primary job and has contacted the bank to let them know you are authorized to withdraw however much you like. Every shop owner in town adores when you come in because they know you are dropping serious cash.

Serge will demand favors in a big way. He'll make you call him pet names and give him smooches in return for whatever you like. He will also trade treats for self-care. Brushing your teeth or showering yourself will result in cash prizes! Money isn't an issue, but he's not giving you the credit card because it's so much more fun to extract concessions for his whims.

Idreod has no problem with issuing you your own card, but you're in charge of the budget anyway, so you already know the balances and whatnot. His only stipulation is that whatever you buy better be high end. His wife has to look a certain way so people know she's above them.

With Vylkas the situation is switched. It's you giving him your credit card. Of course, you have to give him a card with a limit because he has no common sense and will spend all his money on cigarettes and decorations for his murder pond.

Hugo will bicker with you about spending money on frivolous things, but always gives in eventually. He'll pout when you buy designer clothes or plushies, but quietly build you a new shelf to store them or expand your closet to fit the new clothes. He'll tell you it's so he can add photos of whatever he built to his portfolio to draw new customers and earn back all the money you're spending, but you notice he is very careful with your new stuff (picking up and arranging your plushies if you leave them out or hanging up your dresses if you toss them on the floor) and asks you to wear things he likes for him or asks if you want him to grab your plushie while you're watching movies.

Rafe is the worst. He's happy to buy you what you like, but he demands lots of naughty favors in return. Extortion is his favorite bedroom game.

Chase also likes to be in control of the money, but he's more playful when he shakes you down. He likes to come shopping with you so he can demand kisses for him to swipe his card. He likes showing off to people that you're his and especially likes to make the other shoppers jealous, spending lots of money on you. He's a bit of a terror in the store. If a shop worker appears to be flirting with you, he'll make their life extra hard, demanding they run around getting all sorts of things you have no intention of buying. He's also very picky about the things you buy. He wants you to look like a cute little housewife, so very few pants unless they are leggings that show off your figure. He's perfectly happy to buy you plushies or other cute stuff, but practical things are a no-no. Why do you need a drill? He will do all of that hard stuff so his pretty little wife doesn't break a nail.

Lethia loves shopping and terrorizing you with naughty games. She'll demand you try on all sorts of revealing lingerie and racy outfits just to watch you squirm and blush in them. She doesn't see any reason for you to have "normal" clothes, but other than that, she'll buy you whatever else you want for a kiss. Her little pet has to look fabulous at her side so she'll take you to get your nails done with the most elaborate sets, hair dyed in mermaid or candy colors, and whatever other pampering you didn't know you needed. If she finds out you like plushies, you'll be buried in them. She'll have alerts on her phone for the latest drops, so you get the newest ones.

Once Nasos gets used to you not being a sleeve, shopping with you is his second favorite activity to the naughty stuff. He'd be excited to take you to all sorts of alien markets, just to see your eyes light up with all of the products you never knew existed. He's always been a simple guy, so he doesn't need much for himself. For you though, he spares no expense. Since you two are often on long trips into deep space, he wants to make sure you are plenty occupied and not bored. You wouldn't get your own credit card, but all you have to do is look at something with your big sparkly eyes and he's ringing it up.

Kostas is far more practical than his cousin. You are allowed treats, but only for good behavior. He's carefully helping you learn how to control your temper with a reward sticker system. When you deal with an emotion appropriately, you get stickers that can be cashed out for a treat at the end of the week when the two of you go to town for supplies. He's very specific about the stickers he gets, too, so you enjoy collecting them because they are super cute, not just for the big prize.

<3 <3 <3

[incorrectbatfam]

Batfam as made-up facts

Dick: The biggest biohazard in public swimming pools isn't the kid that peed in it, but rather the body oil from all the swimmers accumulating over time. Not only is oil not neutralized by pool chemicals such as chlorine, but it also floats to the surface and is the first thing you make contact with when you jump in the water. This is why a lot of public pools ask people to shower beforehand.

Jason: Making new memories is simply the process of our brains creating and reinforcing new neural connections. Traumatic or impactful events see denser myelination in the hippocampus (brain's memory center) and it's theorized that when we die and our "life flashes before our eyes," there's more activity in those denser regions leading to more vivid images of those moments.

Tim: Klondike's Equation is one of the lesser-known unsolved mysteries in math. It's a branch of calculus that takes Olivar's Laws of four-dimensional derivatives and creates a paradoxal equation by which the right half of it cannot be fully written if the left half is unsolved, but the left half needs values from the right in order to be computed.

Damian: The oldest interactive/roleplaying game dates back to the ancient Sumerians, according to records. It consisted of a theater of clay puppets that the audience would chime in with how they should act. It was often performed at bars or taverns during holidays with stories themed around mythical deities or fables.

Duke: In 1982, Bill Watterson brought to Archie Comics a standalone concept of a child hero and a sentient animal companion. However, he was rejected in favor of the up-and-coming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles story. After shopping around at companies and getting lots of rejections, Watterson finally found his big break with Andrews McMeel Publishing, cementing his place in comic history with the cult classic Calvin and Hobbes.

Cullen: The smallest readable book ever made is 12 nanometers long by 8 nanometers wide. It was engineered by four particle physics grad students at the University of Vienna and contains the first passage of the Bible across six microscopic pages.

Stephanie: Most aerosol cans use both oxygen and carbon dioxide as the aerosolizing agent, which is why you're told never to spray them near an open flame. However, for food (like whipped cream or spray cheese), nitrogen is used instead. This is to prevent perishable food from oxidizing and for preservation as nitrogen helps maintain a cooler inner temperature.

Cassandra: The most plausible explanation for the legendary chupacabra was proposed by a team of anthropologists in Oaxaca. Essentially, it combines the theories of mass hysteria with the existence of a similar creature that went extinct in early Mesoamerican history. As accounts of this now-extinct creature was passed down, the image of it was slowly distorted. The modern chupacabra legend likely arose in a period of mass hysteria during political and economical insecurity.

Barbara: Traditional computer programs can be broken down into a series of if-then commands by which a condition is given and the program must respond according to the parameters. However, machine learning algorithms use an expanded version of this, known colloquially as if-then-but-because-however. The "if-then" stipulates the parameters, the "but" is for modifiers, the "because" is for generating explanations (usually pulled from a database of other works unfortunately), and the "however" is for exceptions that may rise over the course of running the program.

Harper: Ambidextrous people actually struggle the most when it comes to the drums. Most drum setups and tabs (sheet music) are designed with right-handedness as a default. Left-handed people can simply flip it around it for themselves. However, ambidextrous players have been found to struggle with the asymmetry of the instrument. That's why, among professional rock drummers, only 6% are ambidextrous compared to the 18% of lefties and 76% of righties.

Carrie: Although it feels like our lungs are burning after holding our breath for a while, the sensation actually originates from our inflated diaphragm pressing against our lungs. Since there are more nerve endings around our lungs than our diaphragm, we interpret the feeling higher than where it actually occurs.

Kate: During the war of 1812, a group of nine Canadian men known as the False Damsels donned women's attire to act as spies against the Americans. Of the nine, four of them reportedly continued crossdressing after the war and one of them started going by Margaret a few months later and remained unmarried for 20 years until they moved to Portugal with an unknown courter.

Alfred: In 1757, the British government attempted to train livestock, such as cows and chickens, to spy on domestic threats (such as anti-monarchists). However, this project never took off due to a regional outbreak of avian flu combined with the takeoff of the Industrial Revolution and new inventions that rendered animal labor obsolete.

Selina: Coffees and wines contain a bitter compound called tannins, and the ability to taste them is genetically determined. Capsaicin can be seen analogously. Some people inherit a gene that allows them to detect capsaicin fully, so when they eat a pepper, all they get is the heat and little to no flavor. Conversely, others have a gene where the heat is "muted" and they can better distinguish the flavors between two spicy foods.

Bruce: There is a correlation between one's taste in food and expectation of others. According to a 2019 Harvard study, people who reported preferring more simultaneous flavors in their food were 26% harsher in an activity where they had to grade students' mock essays.

[dark-mnjiro]

gift :: secret santa fic

Author’s Note: hello everyone! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!! This here is my secret Santa gift for @sweetbbyshion 💕 which was apart of @mekiza secret santa fic exchange! Merry Christmas Kora!! I hope you enjoy it.

Content Warning: miya atsumu x afab!reader, female bodied, unprotected sex, christmas lingerie, explicit language, biting, explicit sexual content, a small dash of angst, family drama mentions, comfort, “gift exchanges”, bruising, riding, dry humping, strip tease, pro msby!atsumu, aged up, established relationship

Network: @tokyometronetwork

“…what do you mean you won’t be home in time?”

There was silence on the other end of the phone call as you waited for your boyfriend’s response. You felt your body tense before chewing nervously on your thumbnail as you recalled the conversation you had shared with him before he left for his away game. He had promised over and over that he would make it back to the city in time for the holiday.

“…baby I—”

“Just say it,” you sighed. “You won’t be home in time for Christmas…” You heard silence again on the other side of the conversation. “Tsumu…”

“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I’m sorry, baby…”

The lump in your throat was too much before you quickly ended the phone call, practically tossing your phone across the bed. Tears burned in your eyes before glancing at the calendar. He was supposed to come back tomorrow to spend Christmas with you and your family the day after. You had planned out everything perfectly…

All you needed was him. 

Atsumu’s assigned ringtone echoed in the room as you decided to ignore any further communication from him for the rest of the night. You were furious and unable to stomach any one of his numerous excuses. A promise was a promise, and once again… 

He broke it. 

A couple of dings rang out and you knew he was scrambling to text you a slew of excuses now as you left your shared bedroom. It was too late. The hurt had already begun to sink into the back of your mind. 

You recalled a conversation with Atsumu that dating a professional athlete would be difficult. And you had ultimately accepted that fate, with one stipulation. No broken promises. 

If Atsumu had thought he wouldn’t have been able to make it home in time - he should have just admitted it. Instead, you had to explain once again to your family why your boyfriend had once again kissed another family function to meet them. It was becoming challenging to dodge question after question… and even some accusations that you both weren’t actually dating. 

A sigh fell from your lips as you went into the kitchen and began packaging up the food you had prepared to take to your family’s house. Frustration began mounting in the back of your mind. 

How many times has it been now?

Tears began sliding down your cheeks before a small sniffle managed to escape your nose. You gently wiped the tears away. Perhaps… it would be another holiday with your family. Alone. 

“Asshole,” you mumbled. “This isn’t going to ruin my holiday…”

You walked back into the bedroom and saw the flood of apologies that filled your phone from your boyfriend, Atsumu. Shaking your head, you ignored the messages before pulling up your contacts and finding your mother’s number, and calling her. 

Sometimes, a vent with your mother is all you need. 

“Hello?”

“Mom?” you mumbled. 

There was a pause before she spoke again. “What’s wrong? Tell me all about it.”

Stepping through your apartment door, a sigh fell from your lips as you realized the day’s festivities were finally over. You could spend the rest of Christmas relaxing at home, snuggled up with a blanket, and binge Christmas movies for the rest of the night. It was apparent that Atsumu had finally figured out you were angry with him since he had not responded to you all day.

You set your belongings down on the counter before making your way into the living room and freezing. “...what?”

The fireplace was lit. No other lights were on other than the dimly lit Christmas tree you had decorated alone. A soft melody of Christmas music filled the air before you noticed him standing in front of the fireplace with a long, wrapped box in his hands. 

“...’Sumu?”

He turned his attention away from tending the fireplace before his lips spread into a widespread grin. “Hey.”

Despite how angry you were at him, seeing him here… on Christmas.

“I’m sorry I was late-”

You rushed toward him before throwing your arms around his neck as his strong arms encircled your waist. Hiding your face into his chest, you felt his body relax. “…you’re here.”

“I am.”

“I thought…”

His grip tightened. “When I heard how upset you were,” he mumbled. “I knew I had to be home for Christmas.”

You pushed back as tears welled in the corner of your eyes before looking up at your boyfriend. Sure, he had missed the gathering with your family but… he had managed to make it back in time to at least finish the evening with you. You felt his lips press against your temple, causing warmth in your chest to just burst. 

“So I have gifts for you-!”

You pulled him back toward you. “I can look at those later,” you whined. “I wanna spend time with you.”

“And we will,” he assured you before pulling you to the couch and setting the gift in your lap. 

Smiling, you tore into the wrapping paper before opening the box. “Atsumu!” you hissed. He couldn’t stop the laugh from escaping his mouth as you shot him an almost offended look. You pulled out the article of clothing which seemed to be a lacy, red set of lingerie with a Santa hat… “This is more for you than me!”

He pressed another kiss to your temple. “Go put it on for me,” he said. “I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

Sighing, you went into the bedroom before slipping on the set of lingerie along with the hat and walked out. You stepped into his view in front of the fireplace before watching his honey-colored eyes widen before giving a quick look over. He leaned back against the couch before one side of his mouth tilted into a playful smirk. 

“Come here,” he drawled. 

Laughing, you moved to straddle his waist as his hands immediately came to grip your hips. His hands slid up the curves of the lingerie, giving your plush body a playful squeeze before tugging you closer. A giggle bubbles from your throat as your hands rested on his shoulders.  

“You’re fucking gorgeous…”

Pressing a kiss to his lips, you ground your hips against his. “I know,” you cooed, playfully before earning a groan from your boyfriend as you increased your movements against him. 

Another giggle escaped your throat as you began to feel his erection growing in his pants. “Excited already?” you teased, leaning into his ear before pressing a kiss against his throat. 

His grip on your hips tightened again as he urged your hips to move faster. “Take it off for me,” he mumbled. “Slowly.”

You pulled back while a playful glint flashed over your eyes. Your fingers slipped under the strap of the lingerie before slipping it off of your shoulder and then repeating the movement to the opposite side. His eyes immediately fell to your chest as the fabric barely held up to cover your breasts. 

“Tease,” he growled. 

You ground your hips against him again, earning a low growl of pleasure to erupt from his chest before you raised your arms just enough to let the delicate fabric finally fall and reveal your breasts. Hands immediately groped your flesh, earning a moan to slip past your lips. Your legs clenched as you felt a rush of pleasure pulsating at your very core. 

“I missed you,” he managed to say before his lips clashed with yours as his tongue managed to find its way into your mouth. A small whine erupted from your throat as you tugged desperately on his shirt to free him from the article of clothing.

“Fuck,” you heard Atsumu mutter as he struggled to strip off the rest of his clothing. His desperation was endearing as you slowly raised off of his hips so he could slowly remove the see-through panties you were sporting. Your hand encircled his half-hardened member before giving him a playful stroke, earning a moan from your willing partner. His hand quickly pulled yours away before lifting you up just enough so he could angle his cock just right with you. 

He pulled you back down, earning a surprised squeak to escape you. His grip on your hips tightened before forcing your body to bounce faster against his erection. His head pulled back against the coach as your desperate cries filled his ears. You anchored your hands on his shoulders, trying to help him angle just right as you increased your pace again, watching his face contort with pleasure. 

“Fuck… ‘sumu!” you cried out. 

His head lifted and you noticed immediately the lust-filled gaze that filled those honey-colored eyes before he pressed his mouth against yours. Whining into the kiss, you could hear him groan each time your walls clenched around him, knowing you were already desperate for release as the coil in your gut wound tighter and tighter with each thrust. 

“Fuck baby. You’re gonna make me cum already,” he growled. 

You whined back to him. “I missed you!”

He bit your shoulder before his movements stuttered for a moment. Another cry of pleasure left your mouth, knowing there would be a bruise there tomorrow… perhaps it was a godsend you weren’t going to face your family together and have to explain that.

“My pretty girl rides me so well,” he cooed, thrusting up into you faster. “Look at you. Look how pretty you are for me…”

He knew exactly what to say to rile you up. He always knew exactly what to do. It never failed. Squeezing your eyes shut, your grip on his shoulders merely tightened at his praise before the knot in your gut finally snapped. Pleasure washed over your body as you finally came. 

Atsumu grunted before his thrusts stuttered again as you felt his hot seed leaking into you. Panting, you rested your forehead against his shoulder as his hands came up, running up and down along your spine. 

“Merry Christmas, baby…”

You giggled. “Merry Christmas.”

“Forgive me?”

“…yes,” you whispered as your eyes slowly closed.

He gave you a light squeeze. “Good girl.”

[gatheredfates]

Good morning all, happy Sunday! 🌸 I am pleased to announce there are a couple of resources added to Sea's Community Compendium for XIV Creatives. A huge thank you to some of the members in SEAFLOOR who helped in their sourcing!

As of today (05/19), you can find the following new additions:

LORE

Hingan Alphabet — Compiled and translated by @forever-halone, this guide assists in the understanding of the Hingan alphabet as a derivative of Hiragana and how it can be used for Far Eastern characters.

MISC

A Fisher's Guide to Eorzea — An absolutely massive guide on how to catch every single fish in Eorzea (and beyond!), created by @fisherfruity.

Fonts Of Etheirys — Created by bulletbill4l on Reddit, this font transforms your text into its Eorzean or Hingan equivalent, depending on what language you use!

Want to submit? You can either fill out the google form here, send me an ask with the relevant information contained on the Compendium, or join my Discord at SEAFLOOR (21+ only)! If you'd like more information about my server, you can click through to this handy-dandy post.

Is my space suitable for the Compendium? Most of the time, yes! Below the read more is some more information/stipulations. Again, all accessible on the document! 🌻

Below are the following things I do not accept on the Compendium:

Personal/Single-Character LFC ads.

Content intended for or can be used for bullying, harassment and OOC gossip. E.g. ‘Secrets’ blogs, receipts, callout posts, etc. This does not include in-character tabloid blogs used to generate RP.

Communities that do not have an RP/writing element (large-scale exempt).

Anything I find personally distasteful or goes against the spirit of this project.

Common-sense rule applies.

FAQ.

I want to put my community on the compendium but we have an application process. Is this okay?

Yes! Just note somewhere in your application that's a requirement. The only thing that is mandatory for the Compendium is that you must be open to new members or have a public-facing/accessible facet. There's no point advertising a community if no one can join it in some way!

I want to put my community on the compendium but I only have x number of members —

Also totally okay! People don't start with large communities. Activity is a must but, whether your server has two or two thousand members, if you're looking for new people to join, I'd love to help you find people.

I want to put my community on the compendium but I worry its too niche?

Okay, and? If your Eorzean Fishing Alliance has four members but you roleplay every second weekend, I still want to know about it.

What resources/communities can I add if I'm not the owner of them?

Mutual consent is extremely important to me, so anything that isn't a large-scale community OR a publicly accessible resource must be endorsed by the owner/admin/moderators in order to be added to the compendium. I operate under the assumption that a resource posted to a public space (tumblr, googledocs, youtube, etc) is open to all. A large-scale community is one with a significant member count or openly advertises itself as being accessible to everyone for whatever purpose it serves. If in doubt, please get in touch with me. I'm happy to contact your community owners for you!

How active does a community need to be?

If you find a community has not been active in about two/three months, send me a message and I'll take a look at it. Communities have ebbs and flows, especially event spaces that may take hiatuses depending on member interest/life events. I'm not strict in my implementation provided a space isn't dead. If a link or anything is broken, absolutely contact me about that.

I have [insert a question not stated here]?

No drama! Send me an ask or use the #Compendium channel in my Discord!

[aseasoninseason]

$25 pixel icon commissions

hi, most of you know me from my main @mimikyufriend

examples

I can also do lettering and borders

stipulations

64x64 pixels (keep in mind, highly detailed designs will have to be simplified)

shoulders/chest up for human/humanoid characters

single character

suggestive themes are fine, but nothing too explicit

I may refuse certain characters that I feel are beyond my abilities or that make me personally uncomfortable

payment

again, these are $25

I would like to work primarily through paypal, but I can adjust if needed

I will ask for $5 upfront with the remaining $20 to be paid after completion

contact

dm here @aseasoninseason or

email: aseasoninseason@gmail.com

Thank You for Reading!

[mxtantrights]

Bounded by shadow and blood (7)

This part is on the larger side. strap in!

The day had finally arrived. You were set to visit the night court. Of course this came with some stipulations. You were to be escorted by someone in the inner circle at all times. They would take you to and from your lodging, which they had sought out for you. And you would be visiting as a non-diplomatic, Amren had swayed them enough to think this was a personal visit. 

A personal visit with baby-sitters.

There’s a series of knocks on your door. You know it’s not Thesan, he wouldn’t knock unless he knew you weren’t decent. So while you rule out Thesan, and Amren because she too would just walk right in, you cannily think of one other person who would knock and be looking for you right now.

Azriel.

“The door’s open.” You say.

The creak of the wood lets out know it’s being open. You are still fitting in a few shirts into your travel bag before your turn around to face him. He stands there, leaning against the archway of the door.

“Are you ready to go?” He asks.

You pick up on the urgency in his voice. 

“What, is the carriage going to turn into a pumpkin?” You ask in response.

He passes you a look of indifference first before he crosses his arms over his chest. He probably doesn't get the reference. The kids back home told you the fairy tale a couple of years ago. Maybe the version he knows isn't the one that was told to you.

You shouldn’t pay attention to how good it feels to get under his skin but you do.

“I’m almost done. Just need to grab something really quick.” You answer.

You close up your bag and place it on the floor. Then you kneel down by your bed and place your arm underneath the mattress. There, tucked in-between the sheets, is your favorite weapon. Part of it at least.

You wrap your hand around the hilt of the sword and pull it out. When you get back up you catch Azriel’s stare.

“I’m not going to explain myself.” You speak.

“I wouldn’t dare ask you to.” He replies.

Huh. You tuck the hilt into the inner pocket of your jacket and pull it on over you. You grab both of your bags and meet Azriel at the door. He offers to take one of your bags. You don’t know why he’s being nice, maybe something to do with knocking you off your mark. But you won’t deny him holding a bag.

You give him the heaviest one and he almost lets out a groan at the weight of it. You can’t help the laugh that comes out of you.

“Don’t worry the carriage won’t topple over.” You joke.

“There is no carrige.”  He says.

You look at him confused, but before you can ask him what he means by that you see movement. His other free hand comes into contact with your elbow. You don’t flinch at his touch since you saw it coming.

But all at once everything around you changes. A darkness swallows you whole. You recognize it as winnowing. Thesan had told you about it but you never experienced it for yourself. 

When the darkness started to dissipate your surroundings were different. You weren’t inside anymore. You were in some back woods of some kind. The trees being a dead giveaway. 

“Is your court in the woods?” You joke.

“No, but I do have to ask you something before we go there. Two things.” He says.

You nod your head for him to continue. You also realize that he’s still got his hand on your elbow. You don’t know why he hadn’t moved it if he wasn’t going to winnow you at this very moment.

“Your mind doesn’t seem to be susceptible to Rhysand’s powers. But should anyone ask you what you’ve seen, will you lie?”

At that you take a step back. His touch leaves you as you create distance between the two of you. Lie about what you’ve seen? What was going on here? Why would you lie for them? 

“You’re keeping secrets.” You say.

“Will you lie, yes or no?” He asks again.

You think about it for a moment. If you say no you will not get entry into their court. And you couldn’t look for your brother like the way you intend. 

If you say yes, you give them some sense of security. That you will do their bidding for them. That they have an ally in you. But that will probably make them want to know more about you.

“Yes.” You answer.

“Good.” He comments.

“What’s your other question?” you ask him.

Azriel clears his throat, “Are you running from someone?”

You let another moment pass. What kind of question was that? And why would you answer that honestly? It’s not like he would help you if you were, but you aren’t. None of them besides Amren would help you. They don’t know you.

“No.” You answer simply.

“Good. Let’s go then.” He says.

You meet him where he’s at. He places his hand on your shoulder this time. The darkness surrounds the both of you again for, you don’t even know how long, until it disappears. 

You look around you now. You were inside again. You set down your bag, Azriel sets down the other one. You look around. The space wasn’t as big as you thought. It actually looked nothing like a palace,. 

“I thought all high lords lived lavishly.” You say.

“They do, but you won’t be staying with the high lord. This is one of the town houses.” He answers. 

There it is. They don’t trust you enough to put you under the same roof as them. You knew it already. But to have it reinforced like this was another thing. You really had to make this visit as clean and clear as possible. 

“Tell the high lord I said thanks. Will Amren be meeting you here?” You ask.

Azriel nods, “Later on, for now I’ll be your escort.” 

You roll your eyes, “You mean babysitter.” 

“Whatever works for you.” He adds on.

You reach down and pick up both of your bags. 

“If you could point me to my room. I am awfully tired from all that traveling we did. I should rest and wait until Amren comes.” You lie.

You know he can tell that you’re lying. He’s a spymaster. He could probably pick up on things that you hadn’t noticed about yourself. An extra blink, a change in your voice. 

“As you wish. You have the last room on the right.” He answers.

You leave without another word. You walk with your bags down the long hallway. You turn to the right, the last room. The door is already opened. The bed is made and everything looks done up. 

You turn your head to Azriel who is still standing where you left him.

“Your’e excused, shadow singer.” You say with a smile.

You doubt he’d actually leave you alone. But it wouldn’t hurt to rub it in his face one last time.

-

You lay on the bed and think of all the places your brother could have went. If the night court was this surveilled, there aren’t many places he could have went.

Correction, theres aren’t many places that aren’t seedy and suspicious where he can just stroll into. If he came here, it’s likely that he left already. But you have a thought that he never came here to begin with.

You’re only here to prove to the council that he was no longer in the night court. That way they could widen their search and actually do something useful instead of bide their time until you would have to take the throne.

You reach into your pocket and pull out the hilt to your sword.

It’s a family heirloom. Only blood benders would find it useful. The blade is meant to come from your powers. You blood is the blade.

Without it, it’s just a hilt. A very expensive hilt with ancient carvings but that’s about it.

Your brother has one just like it. And like calls to like. If he used the blade or his abilities in this court, you would be able to tell. There would be traces of it. All you have to do is draw a bit of your blood and set an intention.

Which would be easy to do if you didn’t feel like you were being watched. The shadows, multiple at this point, were restless underneath your door. Just like the one that had been at your door in the dawn court when he arrived for the mission.

His shadows reminded you of an ancient magic you read about when you were younger. Cyril wanted you to know everything there was to know about the world. And if that meant skipping princess duties, you agreed. 

Back to Azriel, his shadows seemed to draw from the old elder magic. Blood, Shadow, Light and Dark. The natural elements. 

Just like your blood tells you things, you have no doubt that his shadows speak to him. If you use your blood to figure out where your brother is, they would no doubt run and tell him.

You tuck the hilt back into your inner pocket and get out of bed. Swinging your feet off the bed and walking to the door. You watch as the closer you get the shadows seem to retreat. You pull the door open and stomp down the long hallway, following the shadows. 

You follow and follow until they lead you right to him. You didn’t really need to follow them to know where he was. His blood was the only other pumping in the house. He’s standing in the kitchen, peeling an apple with a knife. He doesn’t even acknowledge your presence. 

“Call your shadows off.” You say.

He looks at you for a moment. Then he goes back to his apple peeling. You want to walk over to him and just—provoke him. How he could be this still and emotionless is beyond you.

“All my shadows are right here.” He answers you.

“No they weren’t. They were at my door, listening most likely.” You complain.

Azriel looks at you then. He looks like he’s shocked. You think to yourself that he can’t be all that shocked that his shadows were spying on you, he was doing it himself. 

A shadow curls at his ear and his eyebrows knit in the middle.

“I’m sorry. That’s never happened before. They usually listen to me.” He admits.

Usually? 

You shift on your feet. So he might not have done it on purpose. But he’s still spying on your just the same. Like he did when he first showed up at the dawn court. 

“Do you know when Amren is coming?” You ask.

His face returns to neutral and he shrugs his shoulders. He goes back to peeling his apple. At his lack of response your eyes squint at him. Maybe she was not coming any time soon. Maybe this was all some sick ploy to watch you closely.

“She knows I’m here right?” You ask.

Azriel scoffs, “Of course.”

You don’t know if you can trust him to tell you the truth. You don’t know much of anything anymore. One thing you do know, you don’t want to be empress. You cannot be empress. 

You never wanted that life.

Azriel stops peeling his apple and you look to see why. In front of you you see a beed of blood on his thumb. He looks at you then. He’s staring right at you. Like he wants you to use your abilities. 

But you won’t. You keep looking him in the eyes. They weren’t as dark as his hair or his shadows. They were a lighter brown. Why do you notice this, there's not a good enough answer right now.

It seems like he wants to get under your skin as well.

The front door opens and and Amren introduces her presence in the house. Azriel ends the long eye contact and takes his thumb into his mouth, sucking the blood. You watch as he walks right by you, out of sight.

You think to yourself, what just happened?

[dittolicous]

actually more on my raging stealth black!sanji idea

the whole thing isnt kick-started by judge but instead queen, now in the custody of the marines, as he constantly curses the vinsmoke name. interest is piqued during some interrogation when he curses sanji's timely mutation and when pressed for more he angrily rants about judges 'failed' work on his children, how theyre basically living weapons, and that the cook of the strawhats is no exception if their battle was anything to go by, why he even goes so far as asking the pirate hunter to kill him if he went 'mad'!

perhaps word gets back to the gorosei or akainu, getting them thinking... despite their efforts strawhat luffy is becoming more of a danger with each passing day but maybe they were going at it all wrong...

what if they could get the strawhats to do themselves in? strawhat is willing to destroy the world if it meant saving his nakama - but is he strong enough to save them from themselves? to cut the arm off to save the body?

it doesnt take much to get vinsmoke judge on board, just the promise of give him all the tools he needs to 'retrieve his goods', going so far as to even give him access to vegapunks work and 'convinced' queen to aid him. their only stipulation is that he is to then use this weapon of his destroy the strawhats, no matter what it takes

so it goes like this - with the resources of the world government, a plan is put in motion. a random island that just happens to sit in the strawhats path is attacked by bloodthirsty bandits, ravenging it... perhaos the starving islanders won their empathy, perhaps it was just the whims of monkey d. luffy.

a battle breaks out though its hardly anything to write home about for an emperor's crew

if only they had known about the cp0 agents hidden amongst the riftraft, armed with weaponry specifically made to take down germa66 super soilders. all it takes is a single, well timed strike to the heart to bag their target

(in that sense, his death isnt faked at all. no, its quite real. they figured a little brain death was negligible, if not outright helpful, considering they were planning to wipe the cooks memories anyhow)

the body falls into the sea, where it is quickly whisked away by hidden agents before the first son of the sea can fish blackleg out.

as far as the strawhats can tell, the sea claimed his body into her embrace - it would be... a fitting death, in better circumstances... they search the surrounding ocean for three entire weeks before giving up, if you can even call it that. luffy refuses to accept his death, clinging desperately to the lack of a body. the rest are torn, unsure what to believe. but as their food supplies start to dwindle, theyre forced into moving forward to the next island.

(it takes even longer to contact the baratie)

time marches on, unconcerned for the despair flooding the thousand sunny

elsewhere, a prince is quietly reborn, reshaped in anothers image. he looks upon to world with blank, calculating eyes. unbeknownst to judge, when the words of his family cannot measure up to the reality before sanji, he puts his skills to the test to take what he needs from the victims of germa66's sieges

before long, the time of reckoning is upon them. stealth black is believed a success, the next step of the plan is put into motion... they need to send a message to get the strawhat pirates attention, so where better than their very first claimed territory?

fishman island doesnt even know what hit it as the sucken land crumbles, yet they let the royalty live... just so they can pass on a tiny tonedial with a message to strawhat luffy

an all too familar voice greets them

"hello captain"

[2af-afterdark]

Sexual Prevalence in Hell?

So, this question may be a little strange considering this is clearly an 18+ game, but I was left wondering after the Minhyeok sneak peak. Clearly, devils know about sex and arousal. Ppyong refers to lust and arousal, after all. My main question is: What does sexuality mean to the denizens of Hell?

They say that MC needs energy from both devils and humans to live it Hell full time.

This energy is also referred to as "lust" (which in this case is the sexual context of lust).

Devils (at least Ppyong) seem not to have the same feelings around ejaculation as humans do. Since devils seems to produce milk (that's how it was translated at one point) from their horns when they are aroused... the question is if it serves a similar function to semen or if it is simply just another fluid to them (live blood or saliva or even like literal milk). Like, is it just a byproduct of arousal or does it serve a function of eroticism and/or reproduction? Are they simply okay with sex or do they not have the same implications with these fluids? It seems the Devils will be having sex to give MC all the "lust of devils" they need, so they clearly recognize sex as an act that creates arousal. That implies they see sex as just a normal part of life given how nonchalantly they treat it.

Now, the reason I am asking about how prevalent sex is in Hell is because of the comedy gag at the end of the sneak peak where the Devils don't know what a dildo is. Now, I'm not saying that Earth and Hell have to have perfect overlap, but it does raise the question of what Devil sex is like since the earliest known dildos are about 28,000 years old (note how that is much older than their good friend Solomon). It's interesting that none of them recognize what a dildo possibly is, especially give one of the areas of hell literally relies on lust of the multiple varieties, including sexual (Abaddon). The only way I can explain that little oversight is that:

1) Devils don't have a lot of contact with humans. This seems like it isn't the case given that they appear to have easy enough access to the human world and know they need to balance the energy of the realms when you visit one, as well as having an entire system for making contracts with humans. These are all traits that imply they have regular contact with humans (or, at least regular by devil standards).

2) Devils don't have sex toys and do everything the old fashioned way due to not having as many cultural taboos around it, therefore not having a need to have tools for self-pleasure as finding a partner is much easier. This is possible, especially given that the Adoring function seems to only have MC using their hands or mouth and no other tools... Except then you remember that Mammon is literally holding a vibrator in one of the main promotional images so Hell definitely has sex toys.

3) Language barrier. If you didn't notice, Minhyeok (and by proxy MC) are speaking Korean in the game. The angels and devils seem to speak some foreign language that we hear as Japanese, but is sort of implied to be a unique language altogether. The translation between these languages seems to be automatic, but the listener is still aware they are hearing a foreign language (see images below). This would imply that devils lack an equivalent word for dildo. Satan and Sitri never see the dildo, so it is possibly they know what a dildo is, but the word is simply not translating.

4) Even in Hell, sex has rules and stipulations that make dildos taboo enough not to have every devil know about them. I am striking this off the list near immediately since nothing seems to be forbidden in hell. However, the fact that there seems to be an entire club for the more risqué activities does imply hell has some kind of social norms around sexual activity, including when and where certain acts are allowed.

5) It was a gag and I am overthinking everything because I crave internal consistency from my games and this gag took up so much time that I can't stop thinking about the implications of three separate devils not knowing what a dildo is.

I mostly pose those speculations because they help to think about in what capacity devils experience sex. Is it a normal part of life like bathing is? Is is fun and pleasurable and accepted like alcohol? Is it meant to be done at certain times and in certain contexts? How is sexuality expressed in a place that both claims that nothing is forbidden but also seems to have entire establishments around vices?

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: If This Is Love, It's Forever {5}

Title: If This Is Love, It’s Forever {5}

Lewis Hamilton x Reader

Warning: Angst, Cursing, Heartache, Time Jump, Fluff, Mentions of Murder, Mentions of death, TW: Death Penalty, TW: Execution, PLENTY OF WORDS

Words: 13.4k {Sorry. I refused to split this up again}

Summary: When the dust settles you have to decide where that leaves you and Lewis. Is it love? If so, could it be forever?

Note: Our finale is here! The end of the road folks! I hate to end on an odd number (if you’ve been here long you’ll know why) but I think it’s time we stopped torturing them now. LOL. Thank you all for sticking through all 42k of this. 42k y’all. WOW. Y’all are amazing to me.

Note II: Look out for the one-shot titled “Smell The Roses” about this garden picnic and rose maze sometime in the future. It was too good to pass up.

As always, thank you for reading.

If you enjoyed this, please, LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG!!

****NOT Edited/Proofread****

Previous: If This Is Love, I Don't Want It {1} | If This Is Love, You Need To Prove It {2} | If This Is Love, You Need To Mean It {3} | If This Is Love, You Gotta Ride For Me {4}

-Lewis-

He hadn’t felt like this since he’d been a young boy sitting in the headmaster’s office after he’d gotten into trouble for causing some sort of ruckus and was waiting to hear if he would be sent home for a spell of completely expelled. He’d always been lucky and had just gotten a few days home for his antics but right now he feared his luck had run out. He’d after all done more than caused a bit of ruckus. He’d knowingly slept with his boss’s daughter though the interaction or any similar to it had been explicitly forbidden in his contract. He’d then gone on to break said boss’s daughter’s heart. Oh, he’d caused more than a wee bit of ruckus. He may have blown up his entire career.

When things had begun he’d told himself to stay away from you because anything but professionalism was begging for trouble but the more he heard of you, the more he learned he liked. It didn’t take him long to develop an intrigue that turned to fondness then desire. The rest as they say was history. Now he might be history. He thought back over his long career in F1 and with Mercedes and all he’d accomplished thus far. Then he thought about all he still wanted to accomplish but for the first time, he didn’t feel an all-encompassing pressure to get it done. He felt calm as if he was satisfied with what he had done.

It was a strange feeling, a feeling he hadn’t quite experienced before, a feeling he only remembered when he’d made up his mind to genuinely pursue you then wholeheartedly commit to being with you despite the trouble it could and would bring him. He’d deemed you worth it and now, in the face of the end of his career, he still deemed you worth it.

“So. Let me get this crystal. Knowing your contract and how strictly forbidden any non-professional interactions are within the organization you purposely pursued the one person you absolutely knew you should stay away from. Is that correct?”

He clasped his hands tighter then nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“Hm. For how long?”

“I’m sorry?”

“How long did you pursue my daughter?”

Keeping eye contact with him, he answered, “A year, sir.”

Jordan looked shocked and impressed. “A whole year you deliberately broke the stipulations in your contract.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Then you went even further and deflowered my daughter, my one and only child, probably the future of this organization. You went and just—slept with her bringing her into your little—harem!”

“No sir.”

“No? So you did not deflower her?”

Sighing, he lowered his head for the first time, but then immediately looked back to your father.

“I did—deflower her, but I did not bring her into my harem. I do not have a harem sir and I did not know beforehand that your daughter was a virgin. I didn’t know until--.”

“If you had known would you have stayed away from her? If you had known the consequences of your decisions would you have allowed things to go this far?!”

Jordan’s voice boomed around the office. He understood that your father was furious about the situation and angry with him. He’d crossed a line he should not have but in reality, he’d come to realize that it was a line he was meant to cross because he was convinced you were the one.

Mr. Y/L/N, sir. I understand I crossed a line, I understand that to you I’ve committed a capital offense and I understand you are angry with me for my actions and what you may see as a blatant disregard for structure, rules, and authority, and I accept the consequences of my decisions, I accept whatever you decide you want to do with me because of it and I also sincerely apologize to you for how things have turned out. I am very, very sorry,” he calmly and clearly stated before taking a breath to continue. “However, I see now that there was no way that I would have been able to stay away from your daughter. It wasn’t possible from the beginning because what’s meant to be cannot be avoided and I believe that we were meant for one another.”

Your father stood behind his desk his eyes boring into his sifting through everything he was searching for the truth of not only his words, but his character as well. He was trying to figure out what kind of man he was and if he liked that man. Long minutes stretched with silence and with each minute his anxieties increased.

Jordan sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose then turned to the expansive windows behind him that looked out over London.

“I am utterly exhausted. It has been the longest weekend and I fear there are many more to come.”

He felt bad for the man. His world had crashed on him those years ago when your mother passed but had utterly caved in now with his realization he’d been shacking up with his 1st wife’s killer and had been played all these years. He could imagine how much he was struggling—how much you both were suffering.

“Y/N is all I’ve ever had, and I was supposed to protect her. I couldn’t but I refuse to fail her again,” he said.

“With all due respect sir, you don’t have to protect her from me. I have no intention of hurting her.”

Jordan spun around eyes red, “Yet you already have.”

He pulled out his chair, sat then sighed again.

“I didn’t mean to I was trying to protect her,” he rushed out.

Jordan scoffed. “Funny that seemed to be the running theme here. We were both trying to protect her but caused her harm.”

Jordan sighed long and loud then closed his eyes.

“What is it that you want Lewis? Why risk everything? Why risk your career?”

“I love her.”

Jordan studied him for a long moment.

“Why? So you can be one step closer to having Mercedes in your hands through her and making a real change in the sport?”

He scoffed. “I don’t want Mercedes. The reasons I love her have nothing to do with this organization or this sport. I love her because she’s seen everything, my worst and unfavorable, and still took a chance on me, she still fell in love with me while expecting me to break her heart. I love her because she’s the sun and the moon to me, the rise and set of every day. She makes me feel things I was always scared to, things I’d convinced myself I didn’t need in my life because they were risky and distracting. She’s shown me that truly loving is braver than driving a tiny car that goes upwards of 200 miles per hour. I love her because she never tried to make me love her and simply let me be who I am.”

Jordan scoffed again.

“I just want her, sir.”

“What if the only way for you to have her is by me ending your contract with Mercedes? What if to have her you have to end your career?”

Hearing those words he thought he would have felt panic, regret, or fear but he felt none of those things. Besides the tiny pangs of disappointment, he felt calm.

“So be it. I’m almost 40 many I started with have already retired. If it’s my time to go I’m all right with it. I’m not all right with not having her in my life.”

Jordan was expressionless as he took him in. “Okay.”

He reached into his desk and took out a single piece of paper and placed it atop the desk.

“Sign this. It’s your release from your contract and the organization effective within 1 month’s time at the close of the season. Once it’s signed I will approve of your relationship.”

He stared at the paper on the desk while he listened to Jordan explain what he would be entitled to and would have to agree to. All in all, he would be on the losing end as his contract wasn’t set to be up for another 4 years and he’d have to pay back most of the signed-upon salary, plus the perks and preplanned events and ops. It would be a nightmare to maneuver. It would really be like starting over, a life without F1.

Jordan placed a fancy quill-tipped fountain pen on the desk and waited for him. He didn’t hesitate, he stood and closed the space between the chair and the desk then signed his name on the stipulated line then took his seat again. Jordan looked impressed.

“Just like that? You didn’t even read it.”

“I trust you, sir. I always have. Plus it doesn’t bother me in the least to sign this. She’s worth so much more.”

Jordan slowly smiled then hung his head back. He took the paper off the table looked it over then stared at him as he ripped it in half, then ripped the halves into halves, and so on until the paper was nothing more than pieces of trash.

“Wha—.”

“Any man who would end his stellar career with little to no hesitation just might be worthy enough for my daughter.”

He was afraid to hope but the tendrils had begun to take root.

“Sir--.”

“This was a test Lewis, a test you passed. While I am angry with you for hurting my daughter I find myself sympathizing with you on just wanting to protect her. I don’t see your actions as vicious or that you wanted to hurt her. I think you made the wrong decisions with good intentions. I can understand a man of that caliber. You get to keep your career, however, that is all I can assure you that you will keep. Y/N is—her own woman and it is up to her what she chooses to do. I won’t stand in your way and give my approval should she decide to openly date you.”

His smile stretched but it only lasted a few seconds before his brain registered Jordan’s words on if you chose to be with him. He had no idea if that was something you’d choose. He knew how hurt you were, and he knew that hurt wouldn’t disappear over a weekend.

“Go on—get out of here. I presume you have plenty of groveling to do and her flight takes off from Heathrow in just under an hour.”

His eyes widened. “Flight?”

“You know Y/N, when the tough gets going so does she.”

Leaping to his feet he hurried to the door but stopped.

“Thank you sir.”

“Don’t make this another regret of mine Lewis. She is the only good thing left in my life.”

“I understand, sir.”

With that, he ran out of the office and through the building trying to get to his car. He’d had the foresight to drive rather than being driven today and now he was glad for it. Need for speed was more than a game for him, it was his life. Pressing the start button, he buckled up before revving his engine and swerved out of his parking spot in one move. Knowing the streets well he found his way to the motorway.

Once he saw open asphalt, he kicked the gear up and accelerated well over the speed limit. On average it would take almost an hour to get to the airport from where he was and he needed to get there in 30 minutes. He had no time to waste so he applied his F1 driving. He was risking a ticket, but it was another thing you were well worth.

~~~~~~~~~~~

-Y/N-

You glanced at your watch again and flinched at the pain that met you. You’d promptly checked yourself out of the hospital against the doctor’s advice even though you had 3 incomplete fractured ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and low levels of so many vitamins that they were surprised you hadn’t crashed sooner. You insisted you’d be fine and would recuperate better away from a hospital. It took one hour at home for you to realize that you’d recuperate better anywhere but where you were.

4 hours later you were here waiting for the family jet to be fueled and serviced so you could take off. It couldn’t happen soon enough for you. It had been a hectic weekend with being hospitalized and having numerous detectives in and out of your room for statements, updates, and follow-ups. You’d told the story until you were purple in the face and hoarse. It hadn’t taken long for charges to be brought up not only for Aleeza but her stupid brother as well.

They were looking at several counts of attempted murder, bodily harm, kidnapping, murder itself, and more that stemmed from their whole life of crime pertaining to your family. The estimated punishment the detectives mentioned was 45 to life but depending on family feedback and feelings the death penalty could be possible for the vicious and egregious way they carried out their sinister murder plan for your mother. The one thing you knew was though you murdering Aleeza may not be what your mother wanted for you, death is what she deserved, and you would petition the judges to deliver that verdict. She had no right to continue to take any breath when she’d been the sole reason your mother had taken her last. You’d see to it that you watched it happen.

Keeping everything out of the press was a task and a half for your father and one that had practically greyed him within days. Every time you looked at him you could tell how guilty he felt. Everything from him oozed turmoil. You could tell he was broken but he couldn’t fall apart because he was trying to keep himself together for you. It was too heartbreaking for you to watch.

You bit your bottom lip, closed your eyes, then took several slow calming breaths. While the rage had passed you were now stuck with overwhelming sadness and pain and through all that your broken heart made it even harder to breathe. You knew leaving was probably not the best idea, you know it was your built-in defense mechanism rearing its head trying to get you to safety.

Since your mother passed you’ve been running and using travel as an excuse when really it was your need to distance yourself from whatever the source of the stressor was. Yes, you were leaving England to try to finish healing from the trauma of all that had happened but deep down you knew you were also leaving to put some space between you and Lewis.

While in the hospital you’d found a strange peace over your family drama. Yes, you were angry that your mother was deliberately taken from you but nailing the culprit to the wall had felt sort of cathartic like you’d personally gotten the justice your mother required. It made it easier to come to terms with your new reality. Since you didn’t have to work through that you found yourself thinking about your situation with Lewis.

Right now as it was, everything was still very much in the air. You’d come to terms with the reasons he’d done what he did, but you were still grappling with the fact he’d chosen to play Mr. Fix it all by himself rather than cluing you in so you could tackle it together like a real couple and real partners would. When you went down that path of thinking you began to doubt he was ever really committed or on the same page as you wanting to be your partner, and in something more than a hidden sordid affair.

Those thoughts led you to the large purple elephant in your head, the one that you’d ignored from the beginning. The elephant that was Lewis’ track record and all the rumors and whispers that followed him about his inability to commit and settle down, his penchant for no strings attached. After you’d told him you loved him and him not saying it back you worried that for him all you were was an illicit affair with the boss’ daughter, another attempt on his part for excitement.

His words that day at his Monaco house still echoed in your head.

“You knew what it was and what it wasn’t. You knew I didn’t do monogamy. You knew that wasn’t who I was. You saw the signs and the proof. Hell, you even mocked it right in my face. Yet you thought you could change me. You thought you were going to be different, thought you were not like other girls. Get the fuck out of here!”

His eyes had been so cold, so emotionless as if he were looking right through you without actually seeing you, without recognizing who you thought you meant to him.

“Yeah right! Let’s be real with each other right now Y/N. You knew what I wanted from the very beginning. You knew what it was I could and couldn’t offer. You entertained it. It’s your fault for thinking this was any different than what it was!”

He spoke his words so clearly, so precisely without one stutter or fumble. He spoke them like they were his truth, a truth you hadn’t wanted to face but feared in the deep recesses of your heart.

“Damn, that was a good line. Right? For fuck’s sake Y/N, I’d just cum harder than I’d ever cum before because of how amazing you felt. I was seeing stars. You can’t hold me accountable for any of that shit I said.”

Was it a line? Was it truth? What was real from fake? What was a show? What was reality? When lies become truths how do you tell what’s the truth from a lie?

“We’re here now right. The facts are simple, this is the life I want to lead now. I drive fast cars and like everything else just as fast.”

It was who everyone made him out to be. A playboy, a fuckboi, a down for a good time not for a heart. For so long so many women used him as a good time. They tried to see who would be able to get a piece of him or even make him commit and none of them were ever successful. They’d crashed and burned and been left with an incredible story to tell no one because of the NDAs but nothing more.

“It was a lie,” you whispered to yourself. “You were just another conquest. It wasn’t real.”

It was something you’d worried about for a while, then when he’d proved and confirmed it in Monaco it tore you apart. However, when he confessed his so-called love for you, it left you feeling nothing but turmoil. What was real and what was a lie? How could you trust him? Had you really even known him in the first place?

Your phone rang, bringing you out of your thoughts.

“Hello? Okay, thank you. I’ll be there.”

You ended the call, stood then took up your purse. “In 12 hours you’ll be on a beach far away from this—far away from him,” you assured yourself before you began walking to the door of the private waiting area where you were waiting for the jet to be ready.

This part of the airport was only for private jet access for landings and takeoffs and in order to get access to it you had to be on the list of frequent users. You bought the first row of magazines you saw then took the escalator down to the tarmac. Before you walked out the door you slipped your sunglasses on and took a deep breath.

The pilot, co-pilot, and the two attendants for the jet stood outside with pleasant and welcoming smiles on their faces. You were almost there, you said to yourself. Suddenly when you were mere steps from the lowered steps of the jet the loud rev of a motor drew your attention to your left. You watched as a low-sitting cherry red Lambo Sport quickly sped toward you. It swerved to the right in a messy and hurried parking job and just from the effortless move your subconscious knew who it was.

The door swung up and out stepped Lewis. He wore his dark sunglasses as he looked around. When he looked in your direction your belly did backflips.

“Shit,” you rushed out.

Your head told you to keep moving and get to the jet but you stood there motionless. Lewis took quick steps to you closing your window for escape within 6 or 7 strides. You hardly registered him standing there before you with his sunglasses off and lips moving with no sound. It wasn’t until you realized he was holding your hands did you snap out of your stupor.

“Y/N.”

You looked down at your joined hands then pulled yours back while widening the space between you.

“Em, uh—what’re you doing here?”

You saw the disappointment in his eyes from your actions, but you ignored it.

“Um—your father told me where you were.”

You scoffed then shook your head. “Ha, I see the great Lewis Hamilton is above consequences for his actions. Of course.”

You began walking again but Lewis slid in front of you blocking your path.

“No. I actually got a text from your dad about the long list of consequences for my actions. Consequences that I’ll be going through for so many months.”

You nodded. “Ah, there it is, regret.”

You stepped around him and continued walking. However, again, Lewis crept in front of you stopping you.

“The only thing I regret is hurting you.”

You studied him for a moment and in that moment your heart softened. Fighting it, you stepped around him and continued, “One regret in life, most would be jealous.”

“I didn’t say I have only one regret in life. I have a few but the only two pertaining to you were hurting you and not telling you how much I loved you sooner.”

That had you stopping in your tracks. You fought with everything in you to not look back at him and it was one of the hardest fights of your life.

“I’m sorry angel eyes. I’m so, so sorry. I should have told you the minute I knew I was in love with you. I should have told you that night in New York when we were at the Empire State Building. I should have said it after I told you that you make me want forever. I should have never chickened out and told you that night we made love, I should have told you freely often, so you knew just what you meant to me.”

You felt his heat behind you telling you he’d crept closer to you. When he stepped in front of you, you didn’t move this time. The war within you had picked up and it only increased your pain. Your tears suddenly rolled down your cheeks pooling around the rim of the sunglasses you wore. Your glasses were so dark you knew he couldn’t tell you were bawling and you wanted to keep it that way. If only your bottom lip would listen. You felt its slight tremble increase to full-on quivering.

“I know you’re angry with me. I know with everything that has happened and my mistakes you—you may even hate me and that breaks me in ways you wouldn’t even understand. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away and work through it together, I’m sorry I went ahead and made the wrong choices. I’m sorry for the things I said, I’m sorry for how it looked. I’m sorry for all of it.”

Sinking your teeth into your bottom lip, you tried to steady it, but it was useless. It was like the harder you tried to keep the tears at bay and your features neutral the more your body rebelled.

“I love you and I don’t want to lose you. This whole time I realized I’m terrified of losing you. Terrified you’ll walk away and decide that I’m more trouble than I’m worth. I’m terrified you are going to decide we shouldn’t be together and the thought of that is just—painful. I don’t want a reality we’re not together in.”

Lewis stood there searching the lens of your sunglasses as if he could really see your eyes. You could see the desperation in his and it made him look frazzled. You could tell he hadn’t planned any of this. He was spitballing and hoping something hit home. This was so out of character for him. This was a man who planned everything, he had the foresight of a wizard and saw an exorbitant amount of possible futures that he seemed prepared for all of them. This couldn’t have been the one situation he never saw coming. Could he really mean what he was saying? Part of you didn’t believe it and the other part was too afraid to believe it.

“I don’t want to waste any more time Y/N. I love you, I want you and I need you in my life and I will do anything to make that happen.”

“There’s nothing you can do,” you managed to get out.

Lewis’ brow crinkled as his confusion set in.

“I don’t believe that Y/N. You don’t even sound like you believe it.”

You dug your nails into your palm and the pain from it allowed you to regain control of your legs. However, before you could step around him, Lewis was reaching for your glasses. He lowered them down your nose bridge revealing your flooded eyes then slid them off completely showcasing to everyone around that you were bawling worse than a toddler.

Lewis took a step closer as he called your nickname in the softest voice, a voice you nearly buckled to. Nearly. Taking a few steps back, you avoided his eyes and wiped your face.

“You don’t mean that,” Lewis said his voice low.

“What don’t like that answer? I don’t know why. You were the one who said that you didn’t do monogamy and that I knew what you wanted from the very beginning. That I knew what it was you could and couldn’t offer. That I entertained it and you taking what you gave no complaints and that it’s my fault for thinking this was any different than what it was. That was you.”

Lewis took another step to you trying to touch your hand. “Angel eyes.”

“No, you said this was the life you wanted to lead. You drive fast cars and like everything else just as fast. I heard you.”

You stepped around him, but Lewis held your hand lacing his fingers between yours. They were clammy and it registered that it was probably from his nerves.

“Please don’t walk away from me. Please.”

You scrunched your face as fresh tears welled your eyes. “I don’t know what you want from me, Lewis.

“I want you.”

“I don’t know if I can trust that—trust you.”

“Because of her.”

“No. Look I understand what happened. I understand you were stuck between two impossible decisions, two decisions a normal person wouldn’t have to ever make. I get it. I’m not upset with you because you made the choice you did.”

“Then what?”

You spun to him ignoring the way he looked like a kicked puppy.

“It was easy for you. So fucking easy. You didn’t stutter, struggle, or hesitate. Everything was so effortless. The words you spoke, the way you allowed those women to touch you, the coldness in your eyes, the way you said the things you knew only I would get.”

Your emotions betrayed you and hot tears rolled down your cheeks. angrily you wiped them away hating how weak you felt right now. All the feelings of betrayal swamped you yet again and it felt like you hadn’t moved past it at all.

“It wasn’t. Fucking—it was the hardest thing I’ve done. It broke me.”

“No it broke me!”

Your shout bellowed over the open asphalt of the tarmac and it dawned on you that you were laying out your private matters where anyone could be watching or recording. Gathering your senses and emotions, you dried your tears and slipped your sunglasses back on.

“Ehm, I get why you did what you did. I even get why you chose that situation as the only one that I would believe, I get it. I just—,” you sighed then hesitated for a few moments. “I don’t know who you are anymore.”

Lewis sighed heavily then dropped his head back. When he took a step toward you as if he were ready to continue the debate you stopped him.

“I don’t know if I can trust the things you say or you, I don’t know what’s real or fake anymore and if I can’t know any of that I don’t think—there is no way that we can be anything to one another.”

“Y/N, don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry. I just—I need to get out of here. I need to get away from--.”

“Me?”

“Everything.”

“Doesn’t it matter that I’m telling you I love you? Doesn’t it matter that I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Doesn’t it matter that I need you?”

Somehow his hand had found its way back to yours and unconsciously you’d laced your fingers as tightly as he’d laced his.

“I need time Lewis. I need space.”

It took a minute but slowly and reluctantly he unthreaded his fingers from yours until the only thing he was holding on to were your pinky fingers. It hit you then the last time he’d held you like this and that was when your tears really began. Your emotional state seemed to escalate his and he closed the space between you while gripping the life out of your fingers. It felt like he was trying with everything to hold on to you.

“I promise to respect you. I promise not to have you looking wild in these streets. I promise to value your thoughts and opinions. I promise to value you and your place in my life. I promise to have your back. I promise to be there for you when you need me. I promise to keep the past in the past. I promise to protect you. I promise to keep you in my heart. I promise it’s just you and me.”

Before you could begin wailing, you pulled your fingers away and hurried to the waiting jet so you could fall apart. Once on the jet, you hightailed it to the bathroom then let everything out that you couldn’t in front of him. Everything that you fought so hard to hold in, every fear, regret, hurt, and doubt rolled down your cheek and heaved off of your chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

-9 Months Later-

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

The long tone of the heart monitors stuck with you. It was hours ago that you’d sat in the front seat of the viewing room as the final lethal cocktail was administered to the woman who’d ruthlessly and gleefully murdered your mother. It had been hours since you stared into her cold eyes with your calm ones as she took her last breath. It had been hours since you’d uttered the last words she’d ever hear.

“May you burn in hell for eternity with no chance of absolution.”

You took a deep breath as the sunshine warmed your skin. All around you, the chirps of birds and flapping of fish, ducks, and birds in the lake before you filled your ears. The peace you felt within you now was resounding. You’d used the months you were away for some deep soul-searching and deep cleaning of your mind and heart. You’d put in the work to center yourself and resolve the anger and hatred in your heart. It had taken months, but you’d accomplished it and were certain of it when you sat in front of Aleeza who didn’t look like she repented at all and didn’t feel anything but pity.

You took another deep breath and smiled as the scent of daffodils and ranunculus filled your nostrils. It felt like this was the first time you could take a real deep breath without feeling pain. Angling your head back, you opened your eyes and gazed into the sky from behind your dark sunglasses.

“Thanks for the beautiful day mom.”

Your phone rang but you ignored it as a rainbow stretched across the sky. Over the last 9 months, you’d taken the time to find joy in simple things like these. You’d found a newfound love for nature and the beauty and wonder of a new day. Whereas you’d hated sunrises before and only cherished sunsets, you found a new respect for them. You’d turned into an early riser while remaining a night owl. Your entire outlook on life had changed and it felt like a true new beginning.

“The sun loves you.”

You turned to find your father’s smiling face. You leaned in close looping your arm through his.

“The sun loves us. Look this is the sunniest spot in the park.”

He glanced around and nodded.

“1 to 10.”

You watched two swans on the lake gracefully cruising by in complete peace.

“9,” your replied.

Your father nodded.

“You?”

“9.”

You stared at each other then smiled. Two weeks after you’d left he’d followed you and had remained traveling with you for the last 9 months. It was time you were so grateful to have had with him. You both needed the change of pace and time to heal and perhaps your healing was easier with each other. From the very beginning, he’d taken a liking to asking you to gauge how you were on a 1 to 10 scale and gradually it had gone from 1 to a 9. Neither of you ever went past a 9 because nothing would ever be perfect without your mother but 9 was good enough.

“You’re right this is the sunniest spot.”

“It’s mom. She’s at peace,” you replied.

You both stared at the sky in silence.

“Maybe she’s letting you know it’s time for you to find peace.”

“You too dad.”

Your eyes met as both of you thought over your words. He nodded then wrapped his arm around your shoulders.

“You are my peace. I love you sweetheart.”

“I love you too dad.”

Again, your phone rang and again you ignored it. Nothing was more important than this moment.

The next morning while you were sitting with a tall mug of caffeine, your iPad, and the sunshine bathing you, you found yourself scrolling through Harrods and filling your cart with the newest and best trends over the last 2 months and racking up a hefty grand total. You were so lost in your happy place that you almost tuned out the sound of your ringing phone. By the time you reached it, you didn’t bother checking the ID.

“Hello?”

“Y/N? Hello?”

“Uh, hi. It’s me. Who’s this?”

When you heard the name of Lewis’ sister you froze.

“Uh. Say again.”

There was no mistaking it was her. You’d spoken to her several times and even spent a lot of time with her and the rest of his family. The first time you’d vacationed with them you asked if she was sure she was all right with you being around her children and she said Lewis would never have brought you around them if he hadn’t trusted you to be 1, a good person, and 2, someone important.

“Hello?”

“I—I’m here.”

“I thought the line got disconnected. I’m sorry to just call you out of the blue but I was hoping that we could grab coffee and scones.”

“Uh. With me?”

“Of course silly. Are you busy? I’ve heard you’ve been traveling for a bit, so I don’t know if you’re back in England.”

“Um, I just got back in town actually.”

“That’s great. Can you squeeze me in?”

You didn’t want to be impolite and ask her why she’d chosen you to want this coffee and scone with, but you were very curious.

“Well—uh--.”

“No pressure. I promise.”

You sighed then resolved to your fate. “Sure. Let’s do it.”

“Great! How about later at Minnow? Maybe noon?”

“Today? Oh um, sure. I’ll see you there.”

You ended the call but still stood there confused as to why she wanted to have coffee with you at all. Surely she knew what had happened between you and her brother. Surely she knew that the two of you didn’t have anything to talk about. Then it dawned on you the possibility of her not knowing what had happened. It would be a Lewis move to keep everything away from them after all. It didn’t take you long to abandon thinking about it and go back to shopping. However, as you shopped your mind did wander to her potential reasons for wanting to see you.

By the time noon rolled around you stepped into Minnow and looked around the small but charming coffee shop. Toward the back where the flowers hung down overhead, you spotted her waving you over with a bright smile. You made your way through the shop politely smiling at those you passed until you stopped in front of her.

“Hi,” she said before she threw her arms around you with so much enthusiasm it took you completely off guard.

“Um, hi. How are you?”

“I’m well. My goodness you look gorgeous.”

You removed your sunglasses and fanned her off. “I’m not all of that. Now you, stunning.”

She giggled and then sat. You took off your light trench, draped it on the back of the seat then sat in front of her.

“This is beautiful,” you said trying to ease the awkwardness.

“It is. One of my favorite stops.”

A waitress came by to take your order and she ordered a platter of scones and croissants in 3 different flavors for the table with her coffee. You recited your semi-specific order while thanking her. When it was just the two of you again she smiled at you.

“How were your travels?”

“Good. I love to travel, and this round really served its purpose.”

“That’s good. I’m glad to hear it.”

You nodded, then asked about her family and the kids.

“They’re wonderful. The kids are doing amazing, growing so fast I can’t stand it. Mum is healthy and enjoying every bit of her life. Everyone is great. Well, almost everyone but that’s neither here nor there.”

When she said it she looked away which made it pretty easy to know who she was referring to. At the mention of him probably not being all right, you felt your heart rate increase. You wanted to ask how he was but you also knew it was probably not a good idea. Then you doubled back and questioned yourself why it wasn’t a good idea. There was no way he was doing bad because of you, right? That possibility swirled around your head until you realized you’d stayed so quiet you hadn’t been listening to what she was saying.

“So that’s what brings me here today.”

You did your best to keep your face neutral while somewhat engaged to hide the fact that you hadn’t heard a word of what she’d said.

“Do you agree to it? Will you?”

You sat there completely lost as to what she’d asked you.

“Um.”

Just then, the waitress returned with your items. She carefully placed them on the table then walked off to where she’d come from. Buying yourself more time, you took a timid sip of your beverage and took the extended time to swallow it.

“Y/N?”

“Hm? Oh uh—yeah.”

“Yeah? You will?”

You nodded and hoped you hadn’t agreed to something torturous. She lit up and clapped her hands together. “Yay, that’s wonderful. I know she’s going to love having you there. Since meeting you last Thanksgiving she really took a liking to you. She talks about you all the time and when she watches the women’s F1 she is glued to the screen for all of your interviews. She is going to be overjoyed to have you at her birthday party. The big 8!”

That’s when you got it. You’d just agreed to go to her daughter’s 8th birthday party. Oh shit, you thought while trying to not appear as panicked outside as you currently felt.

“I was so worried about asking you. I for sure thought you would say no or make an excuse as to why you couldn’t come. I’m relieved.”

“I’m flattered by the invite. I had no idea she liked me.”

She snorted, “Liked you? Since the last time she saw you, she’s been asking Lewis about you. Where is Y/N? When will she come by? Will she be here for Easter? Can we go get ice cream with Y/N? Can we go with you to the track maybe Y/N will be there? On and on and on, she and her brother. You’ve made an impact.”

You smiled as warmth filled you. You’d had no idea.

“Kids are pretty straightforward. They run off of vibes and are usually great judges of character. From first meeting you that was it.”

Your smile widened, “Your kids are above average human beings, so I’m flattered.”

She smiled clearly eating the praise up. For the next several minutes, you both drank your drinks and sampled the scones and croissants while making small talk. Slowly your nerves died down and you began to relax. This wasn’t nearly as bad or awkward as you’d expected, you said to yourself as you finished all the croissants almost an hour into the coffee meet.

She gave you all the details for the party and even some insight into her latest obsessions so you didn’t have too hard a time finding a gift. Once you’d finished your drinks and ordered another to go, you settled the bill and prepared yourselves to leave. Before either of you stood from the table, she placed a gentle hand atop yours.

“I wasn’t going to do this because I don’t want to be that sister who meddles in their siblings' affairs. I was just going to bring up the party and catch up then be on my way but sitting here with you I picked up on a few things and want to get one thing said if I may.”

Every single one of your nerves came back then. You sipped from your to-go cup preparing yourself, then nodded.

“By all means, unburden yourself.”

She nodded then took a few moments before she continued. “I love my brother. For a long time he was the baby in the family and in some ways still is the baby even though he’s a grown man. I’m sure you understand why.”

You smiled softly and nodded.

“I want him to be happy. We all do. He deserves it more than anyone I know because what the public, press, and fans get wrong about him is what we know about him. He’s a kind, sweet, giving, and a gentle soul who wants the best for even the smallest ant.”

You could see her getting emotional and tried to remain indifferent. “He is so deserving of love and I want him to have what I’ve been blessed with. I’m not saying this to guilt you into being with him again. He told us what he did and took the blame for the way things are between you. I hold no grudges or ill will toward you for it. Sometimes he can be a daft—bugger and do the stupidest things all with good intention.”

You scoffed and took another sip from your cup.

“I also know that you were the second woman I’d ever seen him fall in love with. Like actually. We all knew it before he said a word. In his nearly 40 years, you’re just the second but you are the first who truly saw all of him and accepted it. With the first he didn’t have this reputation this larger-than-life persona there was nothing to overlook. Now there is a lot more and you saw it going in, played with caution, accepted him, and had the genuineness to love him back.”

You looked away from her then, but you still listened.

“I’ve been alive long enough to know a thing or twenty about love. I know running from it never works because you’ll run your marathon only to end up in a different place with the same thing you’d run from staring you in the face. I know pretending there isn’t love where it resides is also a fool’s errand. Pretending will only bring pain, stress, and unhappiness. I know that letting something go only to have it wait for you and remain yours means it is and has always been yours. And last, I know that one should never just throw love away, not the love plenty spend a lifetime trying to find.”

You smirked and nodded. She stared at you as if to really drive home her point. You smiled. “I understand.”

She nodded again, “I understand if you change your mind by the day of the party. I get it and I won’t hold it against you. I won’t tell her and leave this completely in your field.”

You reached across and squeezed her hand. “Thank you.”

She smiled and stood. You followed suit then walked out of the shop. The two of you hugged and said your goodbyes before going your separate ways. Once in your car you sat there for a few minutes and allowed yourself to settle. It was something you’d learned over the last several months. Giving yourself the time to be was important. Once you’d come to terms with it, you made your way back to your condo. You were in need of a long soak in a rose milk bubble bath.

~~~~~~~~~

-Four Days Later-

You inspected your outfit in the mirror from every angle. This was your 4th possible look and like the others before it, you found fault with it. This one didn’t make your thighs look good enough. You groaned, then began stripping as you approached the next possible outfit. Your walk-in closet looked like a tornado had hit it and there were no survivors. You took another sip of your Mai Tai and moaned.

Once you were in the dress, you used your gadget to zip the back of it then took another sip from your glass. The white looked good against your skin and the fit showed off your curves. The only thing you worried about was the eyelet cutouts scattered across the dress and the low plunging neck.

“Is this appropriate?”

It made your breasts look incredible, but it didn’t feel like the right choice for a child’s birthday party. Groaning, you kicked off the heels you’d been wearing and dropped into the pouf that was beside your jewelry display.

“Am I over thinking this? I am aren’t I?”

You dropped your head into your hands and took a few minutes to pull yourself together. You recited your daily mantra that you’d been saying for the last 9 months and centered yourself.

“It’s just a party, Y/N. You are tripping for no reason. It’s not a big deal.”

On the one hand, you knew what you said was true but on the other hand, you knew you had reason to freak out. 9 months was a long time. You’d purposefully stayed away from any news, gossip, and or coverage related to him. His name was a tag you put on every social media outlet and any notification setting so that you didn’t mistakenly get any sort of update relating to him. By the 3rd week, you’d put his number on the block list just to be safe. It wasn’t that you thought he’d call you didn’t want to risk calling or texting him during a moment of weakness and confusion.

Even since being back in town, you hadn’t taken the restrictions off. You’d mainly remained inside your condo so bumping into him wouldn’t be possible. Your social media settings were the same, so the only worry was hearing something on Sky Sports or some other sports channel. You’d been lucky so far. However, out of sight did not equate to out of mind. If he were paid for how often you found him on your mind, he could have become a millionaire off of those thoughts alone.

From the corner of your eye, you saw a bubble gum pink fabric sticking out of its row of similar colored items. Once standing before the row you took the item down and smiled. It was perfect. With a smile, you stripped off the look you wore and put on the long pink maxi dress that screamed effortless, comfortable, chic, fun, and just a hint of sexy. When you spun and checked your reflection from all the necessary angles you nodded. It was perfect.

Almost an hour later you rolled through the heavy security check at the venue. You’d been here once before with Lewis and as you waited in the line of cars the memories from that day played in your head. The surprise picnic had been a sweet date but the fact that he’d shut the entire garden down for the day made you melt further. You gave your name to the guard and watched as he checked his device. He smiled then nodded as he pointed you to the way to go.

You sat in the car as you waited for a valet to come and get your car and the whole time you looked around for a possible exit. Before you could pull out of the line a valet approached your car. With a final breath, you gathered your clutch and the stack of gifts you’d brought with you. You thanked him then followed the laid-out path for guests.

Every few steps you stopped and allowed those behind you to continue because the memories were only bombarding you more and more. You were a tad bit more than fashionably late by now and you weighed your options of discreetly dropping off the gifts and going home rather than staying. You knew the longer you stayed the more the memories would demand attention.

“Ma’am? Are you lost? Can I help?”

The woman who approached you looked very friendly which made you bite your tongue in an effort to not snap at her.

“Um, I’m all right. Thank you.”

“Are you here for the Hamilton event?”

“Uh, yes.”

“Great. You’re on the right path. Follow the flower road and you can’t miss it.”

You smiled and thanked her. Following her instructions, you slowly followed the gorgeous path of flowers using the time to remind yourself of just who the fuck you were. All this excessive thinking was so unnecessary. With your head high, and shoulders back you approached the massive flower gate. Once you stepped through, your jaw dropped. She was right, there was no way you could miss this. Stretched out before you on the great lawn was a child’s dream. Inflatables, party games, food, and everything imaginable all complimented by massive flower designs. It looked incredible and perfect for a little princess.

Kids were scattered about socializing, playing games, and or losing their ever-loving minds probably hopped up on an excessive amount of sugar. Just looking at everything you could tell this cost a small fortune but it was so beautiful that you imagined nobody cared and agreed it was worth it. You wandered around the lawn taking it all in when to your right in the distance you caught sight of the massive flower maze where Lewis had once pulled you into. You’d played hide and seek and every time he found you his reward was a piece of your clothing. When he’d gotten you to your lace bra, you upped the stakes and turned the tables on him for the same reward.

It didn’t take long for the two of you to be left in your underwear. That was when the chase really began. When he caught you, he perched you against the edge of the fountain that was in the middle and had his 2nd dessert of the day which led to an adventurous and risky fuck right against one of the flowered hedges. You both came out smelling heavily of roses with leaves stuck to you.

The memory took you by surprise and nearly brought you to your knees. You didn’t know how it felt so fresh all this time later. You could still feel his lips against your pulse point and smell the roses that kissed his skin with every thrust into your core.

“For fuck’s sake!”

“Oooh, you said a bad word,” a childlike voice accused.

Your eyes flew open and to your shock, there was a little girl with sandy brown ringlet hair staring at you with a large lollipop in hand. She said it again and this time she said it very loudly. Looking around, you found everyone in the vicinity looking at you.

A high-pitched squeal sounded then you heard a miniature voice excitedly scream your name. Your head snapped in the direction and saw the birthday girl running to you like you were her most favorite person in the world. In a matter of seconds, she’d crossed the expanse of the great lawn and threw herself into you nearly taking you off your feet in the process.

“You’re here, you’re here, you’re here!”

Her excitement was so contagious that you giggled along with her.

“Hi!”

“Hi, hi, hi, hi!”

You snorted as you realized she was just as hopped up on sugar as everyone else. You stooped down, placed the stack of gifts under your right arm on the grass then hugged her properly.

“You’re here! I missed you. I knew you’d come. I knew it, I knew it!”

You laughed at how quickly she spoke but it wasn’t a good enough distraction because you felt the prick of tears at her excitement to see you. It was something you hadn’t expected. You didn’t think you mattered at all to her since it had only been less than two years you’d been in her life. You didn’t think you’d made any impact but seeing the joy in her eyes and feeling the tightness of her grip on you, your heart melted.

“I would never miss your birthday. Oooh look at you, you’re gorgeous. Are you a fairy?”

She nodded, smiled widely then spun around so you got the full effect of her fairy gown.

“Wow, you are the most graceful fairy I have ever seen. The Pixie Hallow girls better look out!”

She giggled some more and any nerves you’d felt disappeared. Just as you opened your mouth to say something else a blur of blue collided into your right side tackling you to the grass.

“Y/N!”

Wasting no time, the birthday girl jumped on you until the three of you were a bundle of arms, legs, and material. You laughed so loudly that you were sure you’d drawn the attention of everyone from the actual entertainment. They both chattered happily firing question after question at you, not giving you any time whatsoever to answer them. When Lewis’ nephew began making fun of the bright girly colors he was surrounded by you tickled him making him squeal and wiggle.

“Y/N! You made it.”

You looked up into a grown pair of eyes similar to the minis currently sprawled across you.

“Hi. I did.”

“Oh my goodness, guys get off of her. She’s wearing such a beautiful dress.”

You fanned her off telling her you didn’t care about the dress. That was all the two of them needed to hear because they happily sat on you. Willow played with your hair while Kaiden poked at his sister doing what big brothers did well. Lewis’ mom approached with a bright smile.

“Y/N.”

“Mrs--,” you began before she cut you off and gave you a stern eye. “Em, Ms. Carmen.”

She held her arms out for a hug and that was when the kids got off of you. You looked around for your clutch as you reached a hand out. It rested in a warm one and instantly electricity shot through you. You snapped your head in the direction of the surge and came face to face with Lewis. That surge of electricity turned to a blaze as if a thunderbolt had released its wrath upon you. A wrath that had been charging for 9 long months.

You stumbled back down and his arm came around you steadying you and holding you against him. Your eyes remained locked on one another, and you didn’t know how much time passed as such. The heat from his hands seared your skin branding you, marking you as if to finally show anyone who looked just who you belonged to. Who you’d always belong to, a tiny voice in the back of your head muttered. A voice that had been getting louder and louder as the date of your return to England approached. This voice was not fucking around anymore.

The fluttering in your belly increased so rapidly that you felt like you were currently going down a massive decline on a rollercoaster. As your heart thumped louder than you could conceal you found yourself pressing closer to him. The shock in his eyes spoke volumes. He didn’t know you were coming but the tightness of his grip said it was a welcomed surprise.

“Look Uncle Lewis, it’s Y/N! She came for my birthday. I told you she liked me.”

Just like that the spell had been broken, but it was Lewis who pulled away from you quicker than you’d expected. As if he wasn’t far enough, he took several steps back.

“Of course she likes you. There is no one in this world who would not like Princess Willow,” Lewis said before he lifted her into his arms.

You turned your attention back to his mother and hugged her. She rocked you from side to side as if she’d longed for the hug for months.

“You’ve been missed.”

“You’re sweet.”

She pulled back, cupped your cheeks, and stared into your eyes.

“The same sad eyes I look into daily.”

Your smile slipped as you gathered her meaning.

“Ehm. Thank you for coming, Y/N.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it.”

You turned for the gifts but found they had already been gathered for you. Two arms hooked yours and led you across the lawn. You smiled and said hello to those you passed as they led you wherever they wanted.

“I see someone got the invitation.”

You turned to see your father’s smiling face.

“Dad? What are you doing here?”

“Of course coming to celebrate this little fairy’s birthday,” he replied.

“You didn’t tell me.”

“No. I decided to let the chips fall where they would and I see they fell just where I expected.”

You swatted at his forearm hoping to get him to change the subject. Flawlessly he did just that.

“Everything is beautiful.”

“Honestly, Willow told Lewis a theme and this came from his imagination.”

You smiled to yourself believing it. The man had a flair for extravagance but also an eye for things like this.

“I love it Uncle Lewis!”

“I’m happy to hear it. I’m going to keep making the rounds,” he said placing Willow on her feet.

Without another word, he disappeared into the crowd. You realized then that you could take a deep breath again. A snort escaped you because you were beginning to realize that fate was anything but subtle. As everyone scattered to mingle you stuck to your father’s side and walked around the gardens. You took glass after glass of rosé drinking them all down as you came face to face with memories that played so vividly before you like whisps of your former selves were acting out every event.

After an hour or so you found yourself awestruck with the interior that looked like an enchanted forest. He’d really dug into the depths of his imagination for this. Suddenly a thought hit you about how great of a dad he’d be. It was a thought you’d had plenty of times before and each time you’d found yourself picturing a little boy with his eyes and gap-tooth who loved go-carting and racing as much as he did.

“Honey, did you hear me?”

“Hm?”

“I asked if you’ve seen the flower maze.”

Several pairs of eyes drifted to you but one pair remained turned down glued to his plate.

“Um, yes I saw it.”

“It’s breathtaking, Ms. Carmen chimed in.

“You should go through it. Roses everywhere,” she added.

Lewis kept his head down while you struggled to string two words together.

“Should we go take a look?”

“No!”

Everyone looked at you strangely.

“I mean--.”

Lewis looked at you then and you knew he was thinking of the same thing you were.

“Em, I wore the wrong shoes today my heels will only dig into the grass more.”

“Plenty of people are barefoot, there’s nothing wrong if you do it too.”

“I’m no good at mazes, I’ll only get lost,” you attempted.

“Then take Lewis with you. He’s good at things like that,” Ms. Carmen added.

“I’m going to make sure everything is ready," Lewis said before he stood from the table and once again disappeared.

For some reason, you glanced at your father beside you but he was already watching you with a soft smile on his lips. He nodded his head almost in a reassuring way then went back to his meal.

After, you watched Willow and her friends dance around as the smoke machine went off and balloons fell from the ceiling. She was having the time of her life. Every so often your eyes kept drifting to Lewis who stood to the side also watching her. He hadn’t returned to the table and had kept his distance. Matter of fact he’d been doing it all day as if he didn’t want to crowd you. It made you feel strange, and you didn’t know why. You looked over him taking your time to trail over his outfit that you knew he’d put plenty of thought and effort into. It was a good choice, the simple white t-shirt paired well with his pale pink pastel patterned pants while the pastel yellow and blue patterned denim material jacket he wore pulled it all together.

When your eyes slowly raked back up his body you found him looking in your direction. You should have instantly looked away, but you didn’t. You kept eye contact and fully sank into the lightheaded feeling his eyes always brought. He slowly licked his lips and it felt as if you’d momentarily gone through menopause as a sweltering hot flash rushed through you. That was when you looked away and excused yourself from the table. With hurried steps, you walked back out onto the great lawn and then stopped. You bent, unbuckled your heels, and peeled them off then quickly walked in the opposite direction from the maze.

Ten or so minutes later you found yourself nearing the maze entrance though you’d tried to stay clear of it. Aggravated you about faced and hurried away. Lost in thought you wandered around the gardens with no clear direction in mind. However, a while later you found yourself right back in front of the maze.

“For fuck’s sake.”

You rolled your eyes then walked inside. If the universe wanted you to go in you’d ace the shit out of this maze. Slowly you made your way through the winding paths while trailing your fingertips along the roses. The deeper you went the stronger the scent of roses surrounded you. The headier the scent the more real the memories felt. By the time you made it to the fountain in the center, you knew this was your mother’s work with the universe.

When at the opposite side of the fountain you hopped up on the ledge and stared at the large hedge in front of you. There was nowhere to go in that direction, and it felt very symbolistic. You also had nowhere to go. It was as simple as that. You recalled the looks, the smiles, and the touches between you that day and everything else faded away. You smiled. The sound of your notifications had you digging into your clutch to see a message from your father.

MSG Dad: I meddled once and told myself not to do it again and I was going to end it there but then I saw your reactions to one another today and I think it would make me a bad parent if I didn’t meddle once more and show you this. Do with it as you will. I love you, sweetheart. Remember a man’s mistakes do not define him. What defines him is his character when no one is looking and when there is nothing to gain. And your fear should not define you. The depth of your heart and willingness to let love in could.

You sniffled then an airdropped file appeared. You attempted to tap it a few times but with each attempt, you chickened out. Your finger hovered over it for several minutes before you took a few deep breaths and tapped it. The file opened to show a video. You recognized your father’s office and as the audio began you realized it was your father and Lewis talking.

You watched the events of his meeting with Lewis the same day you’d left. With every word Lewis spoke, he did not sound like a worried or fearful man who’d fucked up and slept with his boss’ daughter. He sounded resolved as if he accepted his wrongdoings and was not interested in downplaying it or escaping ownership. For some reason not hearing him apologize for it made your chest swell. As the video played out and you listened to Lewis tell him with conviction how he felt for you the knot in your throat turned into a rock.

You watched as your father placed the documents on his desk and held your breath as you waited to see what Lewis’ move would be. You didn’t have to wait long before you watched him stand and cross the office to sign his name on the papers all without reading a single word. Instantly, you thought that was stupid of him. Everyone knew to always read things before you sign them especially when you were someone who had so much to lose. The video played out with your father ripping the papers and telling him where you were.

You’d always suspected it was your father who’d given him your location because he was the only one who knew it. Now you had confirmation. Your laugh began as a snort but soon turned to a full-on hearty cackle. You closed your eyes and allowed Lewis’s words to echo back in your head.

“There was no way that I would have been able to stay away from your daughter. It wasn’t possible from the beginning because what’s meant to be cannot be avoided and I believe that we were meant for one another.”

Your throat tightened with emotion.

“I love her because she’s the sun and the moon to me, the rise and set of every day. She makes me feel things I was always scared to, things I’d convinced myself I didn’t need in my life because they were risky and distracting. She’s shown me that truly loving is braver than driving a tiny car that goes upwards of 200 miles per hour.”

Your eyes pricked and stung.

“I’m not all right with not having her in my life.”

Your heart sped, thumping so loudly it filled your ears blocking out all other sounds.

"It doesn’t bother me in the least to sign this. She’s worth so much more.”

Your tears spilled over the rims of your eyes, rolling down your cheeks. However, before the tears you’d cried were sorrow filled, painful, and heartbreaking. These were different. They didn’t carry the weight of the entire world in them. They were lite and comforting.

“I love her. I only want her.”

The butterflies in your belly took flight sending your entire being into a state of gleefulness.

“Y/N?”

Your eyes snapped open and like you’d wished him there, Lewis stood before you with a timid look on his face. When he registered your tears he took another step to you as his brows crinkled with worry.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Did something happen?”

He grabbed your hand and your eyes dropped to it. Almost instantly he released you and stepped back.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I—I just—you’re crying. I thought something was wrong.”

You wiped your cheeks with the back of your hand then took a deep breath.

“It’s fine. I’m fine,” you said.

Lewis didn’t look as if he believed one word out of your mouth. He assessed you, searching for the hidden meaning behind your words but when you didn’t move to say anything further he nodded.

“Okay. Um, I’m sorry to—I didn’t mean to crowd you or bother you. I came for a walk, and you were here. I’m gonna go and you can go back to having your space.”

He turned and walked back around the fountain to the walkway. You watched him clench and unclench his fist and smiled. You knew the tick; he had plenty more to say and was trying to restrain himself.

“The funny thing about space is you want it so bad you can taste it and then you get it—a lot of it but suddenly and all at once that space becomes suffocating, uncomfortable, and even painful. Before you know it, you wake up one day and in the span of hours or minutes the space that you wanted becomes the last thing you need.”

Lewis had stopped but his back was turned to you. You waited for him to engage and prayed he would. You knew the ball was in your court with this but you also knew 9 months was a long time. You’d been apart and had no communication. You were practically strangers now. You had no idea where his life was let alone his head. What if he was over you? What if he’d decided by month 3 that he’d had enough?

“And what is it that you need now?”

Relief filled you. “A few things really. First I need to apologize to you.”

“For what?”

“I asked for space and time, and I left and didn’t look back. I selfishly left you in this state of suspended animation without thought or care and I am sorry for that. It was inconsiderate and selfish of me. I see that now and I’m sorry for it.”

“Ok, you’ve apologized.”

The reply wasn’t what you’d expected or wanted but his standoffishness was a result of your own. You understood.

“Is that all?”

His voice was cold, almost angry.

“Why would you sign away your career just for my dad’s approval of you?”

Lewis turned and looked at you. “What?”

“My dad showed me the video of your meeting.”

He scoffed. “I’m not doing this Y/N. I’ve said everything I could possibly say to you for you to understand why I would—how I feel about--.”

Lewis sighed then shook his head. “Let’s not.”

He turned again to leave, and panic filled you. Hopping off the edge of the fountain, you fully turned to him.

“Second, I need you,” you rushed out.

Your words stopped him, but they didn’t make him turn around.

“I want you and I need you. I’m sorry I had to leave to figure that out, I’m sorry I had to stay away so long to understand. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see it before or trust in you and what we had—could have. I’m sorry Lewis. If I’m honest with myself I’d figured it out after six months but that fear held me longer. The fear that you couldn’t be trusted, the fear that you were lying to me for some ulterior motive, the fear that I was being stupid and gullible and refusing to see the writings on the wall. I was so scared to risk getting my heart destroyed by you again and that fear kept me away, that fear kept me running from you but I’m tired of running and so done with it. There have been so many signs directing me to the truth, so many signs pointing me to you and everything we started. It came to the point where it was stupid for me to try to ignore them anymore. It was impossible.”

Still Lewis kept his back to you and the longer he did the more fear filled you, the same fear you’d been determined to let go.

“I know it’s been a long time and I know that I’ve hurt you probably almost as bad as you hurt me and I know that people change and things change. I have no idea where you are in your life now or who—you have in your life,” you said ending in a whisper.

Lewis spun around then. “Are you being serious right now? Who I have in my life?”

He looked at his wit’s end like he was seconds away from blowing up at you.

“What part of no matter what, from this day on there will be no one else. Just you. Even if you decide that you want nothing else to do with me, I will love you from afar, but it will still forever and always till my last breath, just be you, do you not understand?”

You stood there speechless and even that set him off.

“Like I don’t understand why it’s hard for you to fathom or why it hasn’t sunk in yet. I—love—you. I am in love with you. I want you!”

His voice boomed in the maze as he spelled it out for you. Your tears rolled again.

“I love you too. I’m in love with you too and I want you too,” you whined through your tears.

Lewis took you in for a few moments then he walked around to you.

“Say that again.”

You scrunched your face and allowed your tears to free fall. You didn’t care if he saw them or knew your weakness and vulnerability at this moment.

“I am head over heels in love with you Lewis Hamilton. I love all of you without reservation and without shame. I love you because you love me through my fear of you. I love you because since your cocky ass waltzed into my life trying to prove you weren’t like your old self I’ve never loved like this. I love you because you’d risk it all for me. I love you because through loving you I’ve realized that everything I doubted and didn’t believe in that was written in Corinthians is true. I love you and I want you, all of you completely, from this day for all the days.”

You knew you were full-on ugly crying in front of him with snot possibly dripping down your nose, but you didn’t care. Lewis’ glistening eyes overflowed.

“Fuck I should make you work for this but I’m such a fucking simp for you.”

Lewis rushed you then crashed his lips against yours setting off the fireworks behind your eyes and in your head. In the distance, a chorus began while instruments blared all to the rapid beating of your heart, a heart that matched the one that was behind the chest pressed to yours. Your lips urgently claimed his not being able to get enough of him.

When Lewis pulled away you stared at one another all the hurry melting from you. It was at this moment the two of you truly saw one another. There was nothing between you, no walls, barriers, fears, or hesitations. You were both all in. He kissed you once on your lips, then both your cheeks then your forehead before ending on the tip of your nose. His eyes then locked on yours.

“I promise to respect you. I promise not to have you looking wild in these streets. I promise to value your thoughts and opinions. I promise to value you and your place in my life. I promise to have your back. I promise to be there for you when you need me. I promise to keep the past in the past. I promise to protect you. I promise to keep you in my heart. I promise it’s just you and me. I promise you my future,” he recited, further ruining you.

His thumbs swiped away the rivers rolling down your cheeks before he kissed them. You felt tear drops softly land on your collar. When Lewis pulled back you saw they were his. You hooked your pinky fingers with his.

“I promise to respect you. I promise not to have you looking wild in these streets. I promise to value your thoughts and opinions. I promise to value you and your place in my life. I promise to have your back. I promise to be there for you when you need me. I promise to keep the past in the past. I promise to protect you. I promise to keep you in my heart. I promise it’s just you and me. I promise you my future.”

He smiled kissed you again then pressed his forehead to yours. You both stood there taking in the moment and the weight of the promises you’d just exchanged for the second time. They meant so much more now than they had two years ago.

“Your father gave me permission to date you in the open, you think he’d give me his permission to marry you?”

Your eyes snapped open, and you gazed deeply into his to see if he was serious. You found no humor in his deep mahogany orbs.

“I’m serious. I want to make you my wife, not my girlfriend. I want to refer to you as my wife, not my girlfriend, Mrs. Hamilton, and Y/F/N Hamilton, not Y/F/N & Y/L/N. I want to live with you under one roof, I want to make plans year after year. I want to start family traditions with you. I want to have a little girl with your eyes and smile who has me wrapped around her finger from her first breath. I want a son with your drive and forehead who knows from the first breath he takes he’s a king. I want a lifetime of loving you, supporting you, and being your biggest fan. I want a wife for life.”

“Are you—did you just—what’re--.”

Lewis dropped to one knee before you stunning you silent.

“Y/F/N & Y/L/N, do you love me?”

“Yes," you whispered.

“Do you love me enough to spend the rest of our lives together?”

You nodded, unable to find the words.

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes.”

His smile was the widest and brightest you’d seen in a long time. He stood and lifted you into his arms swinging you around as the both of you laughed.

“You mean it?”

“With everything in me.”

He kissed you again and again all over your face. When he wrapped his arms around you again, he whispered in your ear his lips skimming the shell.

“You make me want forever.”

You stayed there hidden as the sunset bathed you in its beautiful amber glow keeping you encapsulated in your bubble of joy and hope for new beginnings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[fanfic-obsessed]

Growing up Clones

We know that Dooku wanted to get Obi Wan on his side. What about an AU where he started earlier, like only about 2 years after Qui Gon died earlier. Dooku co opts a mission that Obi Wan and Anakin are on, convincing them that there are new orders from the Council. Orders for a long term assignment in which they would not be able to contact anyone. A mission to a barely known world past the Rishi maze. On the other side of things he faked their deaths, so no one would come looking. 

He convinces the grieving, slightly distrustful Jedi knight and his former slave padawan that their new orders are to assist with the training of the ��Jedi’s Order’ of a clone army. Tyrannus convinces Jango this would be the best way to expose the cracks in the Jedi Order, using the fact that Obi Wan had and would leave the Order to help children (Melida/ Daan) and his age (he was a child at the time of Galidraan).  The intent would be for Obi Wan and Anakin to become slowly disillusioned by the Order who had, in their perspective, ordered them to help trian a child slave army. They would then help lead said army, all the while spreading dissent through the ranks of the Jedi order. 

Dooku underestimated Obi Wan’s kindness, Anakin’s protectiveness, and both their cunning. They bought the ‘New Orders’ hook line and sinker, and are even convinced that the High Council put in the order for the Clone. They agree not to contact anyone, though Obi Wan did leave a message in the drop box that his crechemates set up for when Vos or Siri Tachi was going undercover, with a message that he would be unable to communicate indefinitely. They are told that the clones are barely sentient and it takes all of five minutes for them both to realize that is very wrong.  At this point the Alpha’s are about Anakin’s age, physically, with the first CC batches being close behind. So Anakin joins in on their training in between his own lessons.  He grows up with the Clones and they grow up with him.

And they are isolated, Obi Wan particularly. It takes several months before the other trainers stop feeling like hatred in the Force around him, some never do. And Obi Wan has been told in his ‘orders’ that he is functioning as the sole oversight by the Jedi on this project.  It takes six months for him to end decommissioning, and those six months are among the closest in his life that he comes to falling, but he successfully argues that each life, each child, each clone, had value to the war effort.  He always hates himself, just a little, that he has to use the Kaminoans words of value and apply them to these little lives.  

In his heart they are all his children. 

Anakin corrals many of the more mechanically inclined clones to build devices for any of their little brothers that needed them. It didn’t matter the supposed ‘defect’ he always had something that he or one of the others was working on that could help. The Kaminoans even praised their foresight when one of the infants who would have been decommissioned grew and saved Nala Se’s life through some quick thinking.  

And from the side Jango watches this man who should be his enemy interact with the product wearing his face, and he wonders. He had never thought of the clones (other than Boba) as anything but products, as anything real. A vehicle for his revenge. But…but the face that one of the CC units made when he found out that there would be no other decommissioning wouldn’t leave his head, the way he saluted the Jedi just a little crisper.  The whispers he caught from around corners of ‘our brothers are safer’ and ‘he saved our brothers’. 

Obi Wan does everything he can to make things better for the clones, laboring under the belief that every horrible thing ‘in contract’ regarding the treatment of the clones is the will of the Jedi Council (there were a number of dehumanizing stipulations in the contract that the Kaminoans were following, they actually did not care one way or the other). Anakin, the little ball of possessiveness that he is, quickly comes to see all of the clones as his brothers. The Clones, for their part, learn of slavery fom Anakin. They learn of being a person and all that entails from the little boy who was won by the Jedi in a bet. 

Then, three years after Obi Wan had arrived, he finds out about Dred Priest’s little fight club. This is the last straw. Before this point nearly everyone on Kamino, including the clones, believed Obi Wan to be a bit of a cinnamon roll. Certainly well spoken and not weak but ultimately in need of protection.  That view changed a bit when he stormed into the room Priest had been using to force cadets to fight and proceeded to break a total of 16 of Priest’s bones without the Force and through his armor. Then he tracked Jango and very publicly tore a verbal strip from him in both Mando’a and Basic, told him he was a disappointment to his ancestors and his armor, and informed him that they (Jango and Obi Wan) would be marrying immediately as Mandalorian law would then allow Obi Wan to take custody of the clones. 

Between being the ‘sole representative’ of the Jedi  for the clones and now the Spouse of their Genetic progenitor, Obi Wan was able to successfully argue that he was now in control of the clones. The Kaminoans, who were paid in advance, didn’t fight him too hard as their leaving now would actually maximize their profits once Obi Wan agreed that any unspent budget for the clones training would remain with the Kaminoans. The order had apparently included the transportation, any not yet decanted clones, the broadcasting unit for the inhibitor chips, and Jango Fett's genetic material as belonging to whomever took control of the Clones. 

It may have taken Cody, Fox, Alpha-17(who outright refused a name), and Fordo throwing a pile of toddlers on Obi Wan to peel him off the ceiling after the words ‘inhibitor chip’ were spoken. It may have taken the Kaminoans agreeing to reverse the accelerated aging, for free, to keep the murders (and not just by Obi Wan) to a minimum when it became known that was a slave/control chip and not an inhibitor. Any loyalty Obi Wan, or Anakin for that matter, had to the Jedi Order died a swift death when Kaminoans could provide paperwork from the ‘Jedi’ that included the chips in their order. 

So now Obi Wan had a husband (who had been told under no uncertain terms that he would have to earn his honor, his armor, and his children back), four hundred thousand children ranging from chronologically two months to 15 years old (Anakin) and physically four months to young adult (The Alphas), another 5000 cloning tubes in varying stages of readiness to decant, the material and cloning tubes for another 5000, and 35 of the original trainers for the clones (including Kal Skirata who had adopted his own small group of clones who were full adults) who had declared him their Alor and were trying to convince him to put his hand in for Mandalore. He could not trust the Jedi Order or the Republic they served. If Tyrannus’s plan had come to full fruition this would be the point where he would sweep in, gain Obi Wan’s loyalty by giving the Clones citizenship on Serrano and slowly draw Obi Wan into the dark until they eventually killed Sidious and betrayed each other. 

This is not what happened. Obi Wan may have been isolated on Kamino but he had many friends throughout the galaxy. In fact he was remembered fondly on almost every planet he and his master had visited, even the ones where the mission went poorly. Friends that include Satine Kyrze, duchess of Mandalore. 

In this world it is not an army that she hears about first and condemns out of hand. She is still a Pacifist and has taken a hard line about Mandalore’s 'barbarian past’. But when Obi Wan calls she answers, and he tells her a tale of children, forced to fight, forced to grow too quickly (in a horrifying literal sense). He tells her about his people betraying everything he holds dear, the marriage he took to protect his children, and he asks for her help. 

She is quiet for a long moment, sorting her affection from her duty.  Concord Dawn, she says at last, is the only planet in our system that still allows armor.  It is where both the Death Watch and the remnants of the True Mandalorians are. I cannot accept an army wearing the face of my enemies into Mandalore, not even for you. But I can gift a world of exiles to the man who saved my life in so many ways.  If you can hold it, it is yours.

Obi Wan takes it, what else can he do? 

And the Galaxy changes.

[angelsanarchy]

Alkaline: Euronymous x Y/N Series CH 14

Tagging: @ophelialaufey@madamemaximoff06@forever-not-gonna-sink@ajmiila02@liquidsmoothdomme@shady-the-simp @auggiethecreator @tempt-ress @blacksoul-27

Oystein refused to let himself be upset about losing whatever he had with Y/n. He would rather turn what he was feeling into anger and use it in their music. Someone new started delivering their groceries and he tried to go to the shop less and less but when he absolutely had to, he would call his order in and pick it up. There were occasions that she was in the shop when he was picking up but he never tried to talk to her, make eye contact with her or even let on that she was the reason he stopped coming in the shop when Hammeed asked why he no longer dined in.

They had shit to do and focusing on putting an album together was the most important thing. He even tried to make up things in his own head in order to try and sway his feelings for her. Her shitting on his band, his playing, his music. Her fucking around with that tall punk she had at the bar with her the last time they spoke. Her fucking anyone made his blood boil. He had only gotten to taste her and he felt robbed having never gotten to fuck her. He knew that was a shit way of thinking but anger worked better for him.

"Fucccck." Necrobutcher whined from the kitchen.

"We're going to have to get our own groceries now. Apparently the replacement has decided we're out of range." He held up a slip of paper that was taped to their last order that had been dropped. The person doing the drop off had been terrified of them and had run from the house many times, once while Pelle walked naked out of the woods so they should have seen this coming. Oystein snatched the piece of paper and went upstairs to his room to call the number on the receipt.

He had argued with the grocer owner for almost 30 minutes before he finally relented and said that if Y/n agreed to run their orders, then they would make an exception but certain stipulations would have to be met. Oystein wasn't given the stipulations until she pulled up a week later and whistled making them all look up at her from the front yard.

"Let me borrow you for a second." She said walking to the back of the car. Oystein made a move to get up but she put her hand up.

"Not you...you." Necrobutcher looked surprised but jogged over towards the back of the car. She handed him a piece of paper and looked to be explaining things to him. He glanced over at Oystein who stood with his arms crossed annoyed to have been told not to approach her. He watched Necrobutcher sign something and nod what looked to be a soft apology to her and she squeezed his arm before handing him the first bag of groceries. She got back into the car and kept her window rolled up as he waved them over to help carry things.

"What the hell was that?" Oystein asked as he watched him tuck a piece of paper into his back pocket.

"The stipulations of our deliveries. Just grab some stuff and don't say anything to her if you want to keep getting food delivered." Necrobutcher said hauling a heavy case of beer towards the house. Oystein leaned into the trunk and caught Y/n's eyes in the rear view mirror as he grabbed bags and shook his head at her like he was disappointed. He would find out later that the terms of delivery were that the only person she wanted to have contact with was Necrobutcher and that any attempts to touch or talk to her would terminate the contract and they would no longer be able to order groceries.

Thing's continued like this for about six months. She would pull up and meet with Butcher and Oystein would have to be contained. He stopped coming to the car after the first month because he felt like an idiot unable to even thank her for bringing them things. He made sure that Butcher was tipping her properly despite Hellhammer saying she didn't need one. She only had one run in with Pelle emerging naked and she shook her head seeing fresh wounds on his forearms as he walked like a zombie into the house. That was the only time she held Oystein's eye contact and truly looked sad.

The day after that silent exchange, she showed up unexpectedly with a single bag of groceries as they were loading up the van.

"Um...hey! We didn't order anything-" Butcher walked around the van towards her and she handed him a bag.

"I know...this is from me...I figured you guys might be able to utilize it." Y/n bit her lip now in the presence of the entire band. She had never appeared nervous around them until this moment. Oystein couldn't read her behavior but she gave a weak smile before turning on her heel to go back to her car.

"T-thanks! We're going to a show if you-" Oystein slapped Necrobutcher's chest with the back of his hand, stopping him from inviting her and she nodded towards Butcher.

"Thanks but I'm working. Good luck with the show." She didn't stick around to see them open the bag but when they did, Oystein felt something ache in his chest.

"First Aid Kit, peroxide...oh a suture kit! That'll come in handy for when Dead wants to fight us about getting stitches." Necrobutcher weeded through the contents of the bag and Hellhammer laughed.

"Damn she must have a hard on for Dead now." He teased earning a scoff from Oystein.

"Or maybe she's trying to help us keep him from offing himself. It would be nice to finish this album with him and not have to get him committed." Necrobutcher defended Y/n's actions.

"We're not having him committed." Oystein mumbled.

"We can't just keep having him bleed out on stage man. This shit is going to catch up to him eventually." Oystein shot a glare at Necrobutcher as Pelle walked slowly out to the van from the woods, now fully dressed.

"Can I use that bag?" Pelle asked curiously before holding up a flattened fox that flies were trying to make a meal of.

"Fuck no!" Necrobutcher slammed the door shut leaving the supplies in the van, knowing they would need to use them sooner rather than later and the last thing that needed to sit on top of it was a dead animal.

Oystein wanted to thank her but he knew it wouldn't mean anything. He knew that she looked at him and saw someone who didn't give a fuck about life or death. He wasn't concerned with Pelle killing himself. He wasn't bothered by the pain and suffering someone he's supposed to care about. He knew it was for the best for her to hate him. He really just wished he could get over the feeling in his chest whenever he saw her.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

wibta if i showed up to someone's house unannounced to get closure?

cw: brief s/a mention, kidnapping, stalking but not in detail 

ok, so I (30F) had a years long very close friendship with A (30F) when we were in school. close to us graduating high school, she met K (M, 31) and they started dating. K gave me weird vibes (he made r*** jokes and was kind of a fuckboy) but she liked him so it was whatever.  Fast forward to us graduating high school. I leave the state for a several months and an injury brings me back. A and I are still friends and I find out she broke up with K. She also tells me that when they were dating he s/a'd her while she was drunk (but she "didn't mind/it wasn't r*** cuz she "couldn't feel it and he was gentle"), kidnapped her from a party to "take care of her while she was drunk", and stalked her house. I was very upset and immediately hated this guy. But I also noticed that for some reason she was trying very hard to get him back (ie dressing up like one of his favorite youtubers (who had a very distinct and gimmicky style), dying her hair, just generally being...different). I have to leave the state again. 

I find out later that A and K are dating a year later. I'm infuriated and tell her I don't like him, that the thought of him makes me physically ill (I had undiagnosed anxiety at the time), and how can she date him when he did all those things to her. she tells me that he got therapy and that he's really nice to her now and that she's happy. she also tells me that her mom kicked her out of the house because they were dating (mom didn't like her either). Anyway, I tell A that I love her and that I still want to see her when I visit home / talk to her / etc but the stipulation is that K can't be there because I will probably be physically nauseated the whole time. she tells me i need to respect her dating decisions, but that she'll keep him out of our interactions.

a few years later (we're still talking on an off, but not a ton), i am about to leave the country. i contact her again and apologize for not respecting her decisions and that i was only reacting to the things she told me about him. she says it's okay. fast forward i leave the country, have to reset my phone, and in the process lose her number. i try to contact her a few times via facebook but she doesn't answer me. several months go by, nothing. i get the "read by" message though, so i know she's on facebook. i also find out that she and K had a "picturesque" fairytale theme wedding and i can only look at one picture before getting sick to my stomach again. i decide to cut my losses and let the friendship be over. 

here's where the stupid thing starts. since we stopped talking, i've had at least 10 dreams a year about her. i've gotten therapy (not for this situation specifically but i've talked about it in therapy), written/torn up a symbolic "letter" to her, blocked her on all my socials, made good friends, gotten married to a loving spouse (who is my best friend!), have a job i love, and am pretty happy now. and really don't think of A anymore. but for some reason, the dreams persist and make me very frustrated. they're always about us rekindling our friendship or me apologizing to her about things. i've tried ignoring the dreams, accept that they're just my subconscious processing things, accept that the subconscious is just being fuckin weird, etc. i've basically moved on from this whole situation except for these god damn dreams. 

now here's where i might be the asshole. i looked her up online because the dreams were driving me crazy. it doesn't have her cell number but it does have a new address that might belong to her. i'm going to my home state next month. i haven't talked to her since 2017. aita if i showed up to her house unannounced to verify with my own eyes that she's okay and happy and maybe get closure? if that's even what i need? is there a better way to stop having these dreams?  

please tag as "dragonfly" so i can find the post later. thank you in advance to anyone with advice. 

What are these acronyms?

[buckysimp101]

Everything the Light Touches (18+) - Chapter One

Mafia!Bucky Barnes x Reader

chapter warning: language, alcohol/drinking

a/n: here it is folks! first chapter of Everything the Light Touches, a Bucky Barnes x reader mafia fic! Hope y’all enjoy it, and remember if you’d like to be added to the taglist just let me know in the comments or send me a message!

Series Masterlist

Manhattan. The city that never sleeps. The city that you once called home. Ten years ago when you left for college in California you swore you’d never come back. You were only eighteen but you’d experienced heartache far beyond your years. You told your parents that if they wanted to see you, they had to make the trip across the country to do so. So for the last ten years you’d seen your parents over a multitude of different video chat platforms and at least once a year. Usually Christmas. It’s been so long since you’ve been back that you almost forgot why you left in the first place. Almost. 

Tony Stark is the reason you’re here now. The reason you dared step foot back in Manhattan a decade later at twenty-eight years old. You started working for Stark Industries out of Malibu, starting as a personal assistant, basically running coffee orders and dry cleaning, to Pepper Potts and eventually you worked up to the level of Executive Assistant to the CEO of Stark Industries as you made your way through law school. Pepper was in place as acting CEO of the company but Tony still pulled all the major strings. And that meant that a part of you still had to listen to Tony. It didn’t help that Tony and Pepper had practically taken you in as their own kid, a fact that made you feel closer to them than your own parents at times. Which is how you ended up here. 

When Pepper called you into her office six months ago and told you that she’d be moving back to New York to work in the Stark Industries headquarters there and that she and Tony had been very impressed with your work ethic and wanted to take you on permanently as the new legal consultant for the company following your Bar results. A part of you hesitated when you heard the only stipulation was that you would have to move back to the city. You tried to ask Pepper if you could work out of the Malibu office and fly to the city whenever they needed you, you all would have the money and the means to do it, but she insisted that she needed you by her side as Tony started putting his dreams of expanding the scope of his business to paper. 

You thought about it long and hard. It wasn’t a decision you could make lightly, knowing your history in New York, and the uncertainty that lined your stomach as you thought about all the ways the city you once had loved and called home had possibly changed. But eventually you gave in. You hadn’t gone to school for corporate law just to turn down the biggest and brightest job opportunity that would ever fall into your lap. So you said yes. You contacted your landlord and talked your way into the termination of your lease, agreeing to pay an extra months worth of rent but that was it. You said goodbye to your friends that you had met and become close with these last ten years and promised to visit whenever you could. Your closest friend Wanda squeezed you tight and made you promise to call whenever you had the chance and to FaceTime her when you got into town. She’d never been to New York and you told her you’d fly her and the boys out to visit you whenever you could. Wanda had married Jarvis within a year of you introducing the two of them at one of Tony’s parties. Not long after came the twins Billy and Tommy, your nephews for all intents and purposes. As a single child you knew that they were closest you’d probably get.

While you didn’t FaceTime Wanda the second you reached the city you did send her a few pictures as you took a taxi to the apartment that you’d been able to set up while packing up your life on the other side of the country. Your parents had been upset when you told them that you were moving back home but were not moving back in with them. They almost flat out refused to accept it until you reminded them that you’d spent ten years on your own and that you didn’t need their help. They relented at that, shrank back almost as if you’d burned them, but there was no malicious intent in your words, just truth. So they offered to help a little bit and to look around for some apartments and send you pictures before you moved in. You met with the landlord, picked up the keys and rode the elevator up to the apartment. It was a nice place, good views on the city and spacious enough for one person without selling your vital organs on the black market. The movers were still traversing the country but they’d promised to be there tomorrow morning bright and early ready to unpack ten years of memories and place them into a place where they didn’t quite fit.

You made one concession in your move. You promised your parents that you would stay with them tonight. Tony and Pepper had offered you to sleep in their guest room while you awaited your furniture but you knew that would hurt your parents more than you wanted. So after dropping off one of your suitcases of clothes, you took the other and hailed another cab to your parents place. You could have called their driver, Jack, but you just needed a little time alone, without a familiar face, before dealing with your parents on their turf.

You came from good money. Your parents weren’t poor but they definitely weren’t as rich as Tony. They had money to give you a comfortable life, a private school education and a car when you turned sixteen in a city where that was not only unnecessary but pretty unfeasible as far as parking was concerned. You drove that car across the country for college and drove it into the ground until you decided to buy a new one. You tried your best not to rely on your parents’ money. You saved so much money working in college and while you were in law school working for Tony that you didn’t exactly need to depend on your parents. And after the salary that Tony and Pepper had promised you, you could practically feel the pride growing in your stomach that you wouldn’t need to be fiscally reliant on your parents ever again.

When the cab pulled up at your parents house you could practically feel your heart digging its way into your stomach. It hadn’t changed at all. Granted it was a little difficult to change a townhouse in the middle of Manhattan but you brushed that thought aside, thanked the cabby and walked up to your childhood home. The minute the door opened it was like walking into a memory. To the left was the living room with the same couch that you’d had your first kiss on, the memory bringing a tingle to your lips. You knew if you went up the stairs you’d probably find either a time capsule or a shrine in what used to be your room. Your mother was nothing if not dramatic and when you left for college and stated you were never coming back, she didn’t take it that well.

Ten Years Ago

“You can cry all you want, I’m not coming back here. I’m moving to California, I’m going to school and I am going to become a lawyer and I will never set foot in this godforsaken city ever again!” You knew your cries and threats were good, albeit a little dramatic, and your mother did too. The hurt you’d been through in the last few months had felt like someone had ripped your heart from your chest, stabbed it multiple times, and then tried to stuff it back in, not caring if it hurt you in the first place.

“Sweetheart he’s just a boy! Surely you’d want to come back and visit your family! You don’t have to see him, it’s a big cit-“ your mother started, practically begging you to stay, but your father interrupted her.

“Y/M/N this is for the best. She knows what she’s doing by going to the other side of the country. Let her. It might be the best thing for her,” your father had stated and you had flung yourself into his arms thanking him with every breath you could muster. 

He was right. You had made up your mind. You’d made up your mind the second HE stopped answering your phone calls. And your texts. When HE stopped coming around to visit you just because. When HE missed your anniversary. And your 18th birthday. And your high school graduation. When Bucky Barnes practically disappeared into thin air on an island that is simultaneously too large and too fucking small. Ghosting you and the decade long relationship the two of you had built. So you thought it best that you leave. Leave the place that held the memories of every touch, every laugh, every kiss he had ever placed upon you. And so, you did.

You liked to think of your time in California as a reinvention of yourself. You made new friends and tried your best to forget about the ones you had left behind. In the beginning you’d occasionally find yourself stalking his social media, or the social media of any of your other mutual friends that might just prove that he was okay. But they were all locked up tight. When Bucky ghosted you it seemed all your mutuals had as well. Steve and Natasha had gone so far as to block your number and your socials, Sam had just unfriended you. The betrayal hurt, especially Steve’s. You, Steve and Bucky had grown up together. You went to the same school, your parents were of the same social class and you just clicked, despite the boys being a year older and grade above you. 

The trouble started when you entered second grade. For the first time in your entire school career, the three of you had the same recess period. And when one of the boys in your grade decided to pull your ponytail and throw your bow into the mud, Steve and Bucky couldn’t, nay wouldn’t, take that. The kid mysteriously ended up with a black eye and a lifelong friendship had begun, or so you’d thought. When tyou hit high school, you and Bucky started to flirt. Steve hated it, said he hated being the third wheel all the time. But it wasn’t until you turned sixteen that you and Bucky decided to see if you could be anything more.

Bucky Barnes was your first everything. The first hand you ever held. The first boy you ever kissed. The first person to ever truly love you. Or so you thought. When the texts stopped coming. And the phone calls started being sent to voicemail, eventually you received an answer from a robotic voice on the other end saying the dreaded “we’re sorry but the number you are trying to reach has been disconnected or changed.” And all your so-called friends just ignored you, that’s when you knew it wasn’t love. It was foolishness. You’d been fooled by the pretty face that was Bucky Barnes and you promised that you would never be fooled by it again. 

“I can’t believe my eyes! Is that my sweet girl standing in my foyer for the first time in a decade!” Your mother practically bubbled over with excitement as she hurried down the stairs to pull you into a hug. While your relationship with your parents had been strained over the last ten years, there was a part of you that always appreciated the love and light that only your mother could give you.

“I hope you’re hungry, I got your favorite ordered for dinner as a welcome home treat! Your father will be home soo-,” she started but in true Y/F/N fashion the front door opened at that very moment to reveal him.

He looked more tired than when you’d seen him at Christmas. More harrowed, older. You obviously knew that time hadn’t just frozen because you’d left home but he definitely wasn’t the younger man you’d left standing on the front steps as you drove off to college ten years ago. He hadn’t looked up yet, staring intently at something on his phone before speaking. “Y/M/N, I saw a cab just pull off a minute ago, is Y/N here yet?”

“Why don’t you pull your head out of that infernal technology and look up dear?” 

Your fathers eyes were on you in a minute, softening and showing a bit more of the man that you once knew.

“Hey, dad. Miss me?”

He moved fast, pulling you into a hug with a squeeze that could have choked you had you not been preparing for it like you’d been doing all your life. “It’s good to see you, sweet pea,” he whispered in your ear before pulling back to get a better look at you.

“You’re too thin! What were they feeding you in California, nothing but tofu and wheat germ I’m sure,” your mother took you by the arm and led you to the dining room, chattering on about how you obviously weren’t getting a proper nutrition on the West Coast but that she would make sure that changed here. You drowned her out just a little, you’d become a pro of that in your pre-teen and teen years, never truly wanting to listen to your mother telling you that your friends, no matter how well connected, were never truly good enough.

Dinner was like nothing had ever changed. Your father sat at the head of the table, your mother to his right and you to his left, as you talked about your flight, and packing, and what time the movers were going to be in town the next day. Your father asked about your work schedule and your plans for the next few weeks, while your mother told you about her best friends’ son and how he just became a member of the state Senate, it was beginning to become a little overwhelming. You’d barely been in the city for a day and your mother was already trying to set you up on a blind date. You took your deep breaths like you’d practiced and did your best to tune her out for the rest of dinner. 

As the evening drifted on and your mother swore more and more that Liam was ‘just the sweetest’ and the ‘cutest thing since they started mixing poodles into all the dog breeds’ you’d had enough. You expressed your interest to check out the city and see what had changed. Your mother had almost refused until she realized that you didn’t live there anymore. You were a 28 year old with your own apartment, your own job, your own car, and you didn’t need to listen to her. You were doing her a favor by staying in her house tonight. So she let you go, so long as you promised not to be out too late and to let her know when you were coming home. 

You considered that a win. You promised her that you were just going to try and find a bar for a drink or two and that you wouldn’t stay out too late. Your father murmured something in your ear about being careful, that the city wasn’t the same as what you’d left, but you just waved his warning off and heading down the steady darkening streets of Manhattan until you stumbled upon a club you remembered all too well. A club that was bound to force you into a trip down memory lane if you walked in its doors. The irony of being legally allowed into The Underworld now as an adult, and not having to sneak past the bouncers trying to keep underaged, up-to-no-good teenagers out, wasn’t lost on you. So you mustered up your courage and approached the tall blonde man built like a damn grizzly bear out front and flashed him your ID before being granted access to one of the best clubs in the city.

The club looked a little different than you remembered. As if the owners had finally pulled it into the twenty-first century. The bar was glass and the lights were dimmed just so that everyone in the room was cast in shadow. Lights flashed on the crowded dance floor and a roped-off section surrounded by sheer curtains just up the stairs, where you knew the VIP lounge once stood, remained virtually untouched. You could bet that if you went up there now you’d be able to see everything going on in the club, but nobody would be able to look in. 

Bucky snuck you in here a couple of times. Specifically to the VIP section during the day when you were supposed to be in school or super late at night when you were supposed to be in bed. The thrill of possibly being caught always made the time you spent here more fun. The memories playing on repeat in your mind caused your heart to sting just a little. You’d always joked with Bucky that he needed to stop carting you off to The Underworld whenever he felt like it, it was becoming a little too similar to Greek mythology. He just laughed it off.

You did your best to push away the unwarranted memories, and began to make new ones in their place. You ordered a drink at the bar, shot it back, and then ordered a second before making your way to the already crowded dance floor. You let your inhibitions free for just a moment, losing yourself in the music as you swayed back and forth, until a pair of strong hands attached themselves to your waist, almost questioningly. You looked up and saw a cute guy, blonde with sparkling green eyes, silently asking you to dance with him. Shrugging, you turned back around and continued swaying your hips as he pulled you closer to him. The closeness lasted a minute, maybe two tops, before his body was being yanked away from you, his nails almost digging into your skin before he was unceremoniously shoved away. You turned around, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on and who the fuck had the audacity to remove your dance partner from you when the admonishment got stuck in your throat. Because after ten years of course this would happen. No matter how big Manhattan may seem, it never failed to remind you how small it truly was. As you took in the hulking brown haired, ocean eyed god before you with muscles for days you realized you’d made a mistake coming here.

Bucky Barnes stood before you with all the power of a god on earth. And you felt like you might finally face his wrath. 

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