#tw trauma mentions

[antiendovents]

Tw// death mention, mourning, grief

Today is the anniversary day of one of our friend's death. The last one was at the end of April. We hate May especially for being a very bad time.

Our trauma responses surrounding the events have lessened a lot, but it doesn't make the pain end. We are still very much set off and triggered by the event. We just noticed the date when on discord and it puts the new date above a message and it made us sick. We can't even handle seeing 5:19 on clocks cause of how much this day triggers us.

Things have gotten a lot better and we've made a lot of peace with it. But it was still very traumatic to us especially the circumstances around the death which we don't share because they are extremely triggering and traumatic. Not even many of our irl friends know how this day is for us since we shut down after it happened and never truly told them much.

Just needed to vent because today is really hard for us. She was a wonderful friend and very creative too. She absolutely adored dogs and stuffed animals. We made a memorial for her and her sister on our Animal Crossing New Horizons island. Wanted to share some things we loved about her. She was a lot of fun and truly deserved so much better.

Any kind words are appreciated, even if you're not very good with them. We're terrible when it comes to offering kind words ourselves especially being low empathy and shutting down when needing to be helpful in an emotional context so we completely understand in that case. We just mostly had to share it because we are...quite isolated in our grief since we aren't very open except with one close friend and it often worsens us a lot cause of that. Thanks for letting us vent really.

oh, I'm so sorry anon. Your friend sounds like an amazing person and it's really sad that she's gone. We hope you're handling things well,, please take care of yourself anon. Be easy on yourself, make sure to get plenty of rest, have some snacks if you think it could help. Even though we don't know you personally we want you to know that we care about you and that you're always welcome here. I'm sorry there isn't much I can really say to make this better, but I do hope that you'll be able be okay.

[beskad]

.

ok yeah i think the holiday blues are affecting me way more than i thought. I love Christmas, it was always my favorite holiday growing up. But it's so interwoven with extensive, constant, prolonged, ongoing trauma that it's. Idk. Tainted. I love Christmas and I'm so excited for it leading up to it, and then a few days before I just get so depressed. Last year, I spent all Christmas day in bed (like 11 hours) crying and falling asleep and then crying more. I miss my mom. She is horrible and she only ever hurts me. But I wish I was with her anyway.

it also probably doesn't help that I had 2 drinks in close succession last night and my current mental health meds REALLY do not play well with alcohol. I'm usually so careful, and I thought 2 would be fine, and sometimes it is, I guess I just drank them too close together. And fuck now I'm crying at my desk at work thank fuck for this high-walled, enclosed cubicle fuck

[emotionaleating]

[gor3sigil]

I’m Trans and Insane and I’m doing fine.

[TW Psychosis, transphobia, psychophobia, medication, psych ward]

“Are you sure ?” she asked.

I remember looking back at her in disbelief, because that was certainly a question I never asked her when she came out.

“Why do you ask ?” I say.

“Dude, I’ve seen you go into depersonalization so hard you even thought you were a human soul in a robot vessel and now, you want me to trust you when you say that you, too, are trans ?”

That’s the memory that comes back to me as I fold and put in my bag my psychiatrist’s note attesting that I suffer from gender dysphoria, NOT LINKED to any psychotic symptoms. Here it goes in my folder with my prescription note, an increase - again - of my anti depressants and Xan, and my endocrinologist’s HRT prescription, increased too - finally.

I go to two separate pharmacies to pick up each prescription for two reasons:

There is only one in this godforsaken town that always had testosterone in stock.

I can’t explain to you with words the look you can get when you give back to back, to someone who, despite not being a doctor, works in healthcare, a note for trans HRT and then a note for psychiatric meds.

And I’m lucky, because I’m not taking antipsychotics anymore. Contrarily to what you could think, it doesn’t magically makes the voices and the shadowy people disappear, but it can make a mess of your head pretty bad and my doctor and I both agreed that I didn’t need more damage up here than what I already had. And no, it doesn’t make your delusions vanish magically too: in fact, I was still pretty certain that I was talking to my soul family out here in Argentine telepathically about my mission on Earth, the meds just made it more difficult to understand their voices, but the belief was still solid.

Anyways, I’m back home with the Hoy Grail I fought tooth and nails to get: a letter from the Sacred Council of Mental Sanity also known as Psychiatry that I was, indeed, a bit delulu, but also trans, and that both things didn’t play into each other. My transness wasn’t a delusion, my delusions didn’t have anything to do with being trans.

Or did it ?

Chicken or egg, you know the drill. Did I have my selves fractured before and one of the piece that shattered my brain happened to make me trans or was I just trans with a shitload of traumas in the back that made me insane ?

But don’t worry, at least, trans people when we’re together, we have each other’s back ! Right ?

“Transidentity ISN’T a mental illness !! We don’t DESERVE to be FORCIBLY LOCKED UP and MEDICATED and MADE TO CONFORM FOR OTHER’S SENSE OF SECURITY !!”

Neither do I, RIGHT ?

Oh

Or do I ?

Remember what she said, my girlfriend, right at the beginning ?

How I can’t be trusted about myself when sometimes I don’t even have a sense of self anymore or I have too much selves who fight against each other ?

And what do we say to that ?

Get treatment. Get in-patient. Take medication. And for the love of God, shut the fuck up about it, you’re giving us a bad name.

Because being trans and crazy can’t exist. It’s absurd. You have to fix one of these two things. Choose which jacket I’ll wear, and they call it a straitjacket for a reason it seems, so am I queer or am I insane ?

All I know today is there isn’t a universe in which I’m a trans without any mental illnesses, or mentally ill without being trans. And yet, I can’t tell you how many time I got asked “do you think you’d be trans if you never got through [x trauma] ?”. I. Don’t. Know. I’ll never know. And I deserve just as much agency as you get despite being mentally ill. If you don’t believe in that, don’t come yapping about “liberation for all of us”, but “if one of us is crazy they’ll all think I am too and that can’t happen”.

No LGBTQIAA+ person deserves to be told they need to be put away, to be cured, to be allowed out in the open only if they’re deemed “acceptable” by society’s standards. And no mentally ill people deserve to either.

No trans person should be going through years of counseling to have the access to HRT.

And I shouldn’t have had to threaten my own mother’s life to avoid being locked in an adult psych ward at 14.

If you ever think, for one second, that these two things have nothing to do with one another, you are far removed from history.

To hear queer people say “yeah but some mentally ill people are dangerous !” feels like you don’t even know where you come from.

And if I want to say, that me being trans is linked to me being mentally ill, or at least, that both are connected in a way, all hell breaks fucking loose.

So I’ll explain very carefully.

See, when I was young, my mind got shattered into a thousand of pieces I had to try to glue back on. All these pieces of myself broke further more down the line because I couldn’t catch a fucking break. And now, it happens that the final puzzle does not have the same face it had before. It happens that its shape changed over time, for reasons over the control of all of us who tried to build ourselves back. Now there’s a bigger picture, less pieces, a few other shadows, and me. Built from the shatters. With my own needs and afflictions.

And whoever you are, whatever your agenda might be, I will not let anyone take any agency away from me under the false pretext that I can’t know anything for myself. They say that about children, they say that about minorities, about physically disabled people, about the people they want OUT. And my trans siblings, you know that.

I came out for the first time 7 years ago, to my then girlfriend, who was the one asking the question that is the first sentence of this text. I came out a second time 3 years ago. Been on HRT, had top surgery, had psychotic breaks, got my meds changed, switch therapist.

Because I am trans and crazy. And yet, all these choices I made, I made myself. It didn’t have to be that hard to get the basic care I needed. It didn’t need to be. But it WAS. And I’m part of the lucky crowd of people who had access to out-patient treatment, who never have been locked up in ward, who managed to stay alive through meds withdrawals without medical assistance when I had no therapist.

Be very careful of when you start to put conditions on the rights you think you deserve. Be very, very careful about your definition of sanity and of how it warps the way you see people. When you start to say “I have access to that, but there’s people like X or Y who shouldn’t BECAUSE”, pause and ask yourself what led you to think this way. More often than not, you’ll find yourself playing the same mind games as the ones you swore to fight against, and when it gives them the upper hand, they won’t hesitate to come for you after that.

[infinite-beginnings]

The line when Charles said, "Edwin's told me loads of stories about Hell," and him seeming to know he'd find a map in Edwin's book always hits me hard.

Now I acknowledge Charles might’ve been posturing to reassure the Night Nurse he could navigate Hell, but let's assume this fact was real.

Because that means that Edwin felt comfortable enough to talk about all of his trauma to Charles. He mentions Hell a lot in passing in front of the girls, but he never goes into specifics. However, it seems as if he actively told Charles quite a few details about Hell. I also noticed that Charles is very calm when he's going to find Edwin. Yes, he's studying the book a lot, but he is also navigating the space with a certain amount of confidence. I'm sure it's partially due to Charles' tendency to do things without thinking and project confidence. But also, it seems as if he might have at least a very basic level of knowledge or familiarity with the levels of Hell based on the stories Edwin told.

I think this is probably another reason why Edwin struggled to believe the fact that Charles had faced abuse in his past and never shared it with Edwin. Because Edwin was always up front and honest with Charles. He told him the very first time they'd met that he had just escaped Hell. I'm sure Edwin did not want to relive his memories of Hell, and maybe it took him decades to feel like he could share. But I bet when he started talking about it with Charles, he felt relief. Because sharing your trauma with someone who accepts you and loves you no matter what is always a relief after holding it in and pushing it down.

So I just imagine Edwin feeling that relief after sharing his stories from Hell and feeling closer and more bonded with Charles because of it...and then he finds out that Charles has this huge amount of trauma from his past that he has been keeping inside. It probably breaks Edwin's heart that he hadn't been able to offer Charles the same relief he'd felt.

And yes, Crystal mentioned that Charles was probably denying the trauma even to himself. We all know that Edwin knew something was off with Charles and that he was probably frustrated in himself because he hadn't been able to figure it out, but Crystal apparently had.

But I also think there might be another level to it. The boys have been solving cases for 30 years. I find it hard to believe that they never had another case involving abuse or at least someone with a controlling personality that would've reminded Charles of his father. Maybe Edwin thinks back to a couple of those cases and how Charles was acting strange and withdrawn during them and realized he'd missed a huge clue about how his friend was feeling.

All those years of sharing his stories from Hell and being comforted by Charles and Edwin hadn't been able to do the same. Edwin is definitely hurt that Charles didn't feel like he could confide in him and heartbroken to think about how much pain his friend was going through alone.

[lostmf]

I’m not sure I deserve it ..

[waywardsunlight]

Belos

[sentientsky]

hmmmmgrhhf thinking bout crowley and childhood trauma and abandonment and rage again

[larks-birdhouse]

some blackout poetry from a homophobic christian post <3 the last one is what was left if i turned on all the layers at once

please do not try to find or harass this person. they are likely just uneducated and do not deserve to be dogpiled

—

top to bottom, left to right

transcript 1: “Please pay for transgender top surgery. We are poor”

transcript 2: “transgender gay blasphemers slay pop off”

transcript 3: “transgender gays are cool We are all swag”

transcript 4: “transgender”

—

(tagging @fixing-bad-posts because their blog inspired this! thank you for your work <3)

[ghostvibesonly]

wait odysseus is suicidal wait he was really gonna end his life the way he ended the infant’s wait the only people who’ve called him ody are those who hurt him badly/betrayed him wait “let me close my eyes” parallels penelope and telemachus begging him to “keep your eyes open” wait wait calypso was trying to talk him down and “stay in my open arms” unintentionally triggered the memories/hauntings of polites, eurylochus, his mom, etc wait wait athena held baby telemachus wait wait athena is dead?? wait wait wait

[system-hottakes]

hot take but trauma isn’t just an abusive home or war

it can be from school, from the foster care system, from other systems. It’s not always abusive/neglectful homes or war. Trauma can come from so many other things

!!!!

[venacoeurva]

Ego and the mimicry of a saint (and more than a little sacrilege)

-Please do not reupload, edit, or use without proper credit or linking back, ask first.-

[aphidclan-clangen]

part 2 out of 3

[lgbtiwtv]

god. god. the significance of the diary pages about claudia’s assault being torn out raggedly by Louis, clearly in a fit of guilt and anguish and trauma, vs the diary pages about louis mourning lestat and regretting killing him being removed with surgical control and precision. by armand. this wasn’t a heat of the moment action it was deliberate and calculated and I can’t stop thinking about it

[lostmf]

“Parents aren’t supposed to bury their kids “

I tell myself

But then parents aren’t supposed to do a lot of things to their children

So I guess it won’t matter if they did this one more thing

[desultory-suggestions]

I would like to give a shout out to the gullible folks. The people who were lied to with some ridiculous story by an abuser and taken advantage of. People who can't describe their situation to others bc they know it sounds crazy, but they have fallen too deep to escape.

You aren't dumb. You're so trusting and so full of love. It is not your fault others take advantage. There are people out there that will not lie to you like others have. Your trauma is valid even if the lies you were told were so outlandish people laugh when you try to explain the terror you lived through.

Don't stop loving. Don't stop trusting. Just... Learn how to be more selective with your trust. Because not all have pure intentions for you.