#Dissociation

[disassociation-culture-is]

disassociation culture is not even realizing you were disassociating until you come back to yourself or "wake up" and realize youre missing months of your life that you can never get back

.

[echoes-in-the-multiverse]

DID and The Grand Unified Theory

Personal Post. Mentions of Fusion and Splitting.

Written by Oliver.

As the host of a system of quantum, particle, and nuclear physicists, I have found comfort in relating our disorder's elements to physics concepts. These concepts help them feel less scary and more manageable to accept. Today, I will discuss the Grand Unified Theory and how it has helped me interpret, understand, and come to terms with the ideas of Splitting and Fusion in our system. However, this is not an educational post on splitting and fusion in (Dissociative Identity Disorder) DID systems. Those will be separate posts. This post is my symbolic interpretation of these concepts in a simplified way to aid in acceptance. I want to share what we have done, as it may help other systems do the same with topics they are interested in and help them come to terms with their disorder. 

So, what is the Grand Unified Theory?

Simply put, it attempts to combine three of the four fundamental forces in the universe into one singular force at the start of the universe. 

These forces are the Electromagnetic force, which acts between charged particles (such as two protons with a positive charge), the strong nuclear force, which holds the nucleus of an atom together, and the weak nuclear force, which is responsible for types of radioactive decay. The fourth fundamental force is Gravity, which acts between any two objects with mass regardless of distance. The ultimate goal of the theory is to combine all the forces into one singular force at the start of the universe, and then model when each force splits off into its separate fundamental force. This would combine classical physics (gravity) with quantum physics. 

How do I use this theory to bring comfort to myself? 

The idea of unity:

Even though these forces are now very distinct and have grown more distinct as time went on, they all have an underlying unified and linked identity. In the same way, dissociative identities in DID are distinct but not completely separate personalities; they are fractions of one whole. So, even when things are tough or unmanageable, or when people do not get along (similar to how gravity does not fit into the theory right now), there is something that will hold us together ultimately, and there is a chance of unification. 

Splitting over time:

In the theory, if gravity can be combined into it, it is believed that gravity split from the electronuclear force at the end of the Plank era. This is so early in the universe that not even subatomic particles existed yet. The Electronuclear force split into the electroweak force and strong nuclear force, and then split again into the electromagnetic force and the weak nuclear force. This initial split at the beginning of the universe could represent the initial split the brain must undergo during early childhood to develop DID. However, the theory also represents how those splits may change or not change. An alter may not split again after their initial split; they would be, like gravity, and remain the same but develop more distinctly over time. Or, they may split again, just like the electronuclear force did. These splits can occur later in life if trauma is experienced again. 

Fusion:

This theory brings both the comfort that fusion can work and that it is also okay if it does not. The theory is not perfect and cannot combine all four forces; similarly, a system, may not be able to fully fuse, perhaps only fuse into two or three final forms,  because of trauma, or may not have the skills to do so yet, and that is okay. If the theory is wrong, we will find another way to explain the universe, just like if fusion is not possible, we will find a way to progress through life. Some may also strive to reach the stage where they can form a final fusion, but this does not have to happen right away and can take a long period in therapy. 

Energy conversions and fusion:

Fusion can be a scary concept because it will change the alter and the way the system will function later on. As dissociative identities fuse, it begins to restore the unity of the psyche, it coalesces experiences, memories, and feelings. This mirrors the principle of energy in physics, where it states that energy cannot be created or destroyed but transferred from one state to another. This means that even though that alter appears to be gone they will forever exist even though it is in a new form. Their experiences, memories, and work they have contributed to survival will always remain within the individual unity.

Written by Oliver.

Personal Post. Mentions of Fusion and Splitting.

[hyperfixation-fix]

I had DPDR (depersonalisation/derealisation) disorder as a teen. For those who don't know, DPDR is when your brain is so overwhelmed by pain and fear and misery that it decides the only way to survive is to disconnect. Depersonalisation is where your brain severs the connection between your consciousness and your body, so it feels like your body isn't real/isn't yours. Derealisation is where your brain severs the connection between your consciousness and the world around you, so the world itself doesn't feel real.

Nico (almost) losing himself to Shadow Travel in BoO hits a little too close to home. It's exactly how it feels to experience the world and your body slipping out of your grasp as a DPDR episode flares up.

It feels like dying, from the outside in.

Always have, always will headcannon Nico as having DPDR, and recovering from it as he finds a home at CHB.

If you're curious, I've put more of my experience below. But please proceed with caution - I've tried to keep it non-triggering but there are a lot of detailed descriptions of DPDR, so if that's going to trigger you, please don't read on. Take care of yourself ❤️

I mostly experienced derealisation. I'm currently in a bad episode for the first time in years, and it's interesting (if terrifying) to revisit this feeling.

It feels like you're dreaming or hallucinating, or like there's a thick layer of gel between your consciousness and everything else. Any outside stimuli - ideas, words, experiences, sensations - get lodged in the gel and while I can see them, I can't engage with them. If I really want to, I have to reach out through the gel, force my way through it, grab ahold of the stimulus, and yank it back through the gel and into my brain. It works, but it's slow and exhausting.

I have a vivid memory of the moment I realised my brain was broken, really and truly broken (or it felt like it). I was 11 or 12, standing in my friend's kitchen. She'd asked me to get something out of the pantry, but I just stared into it. Shapes and colours filled the shelves, but they weren't things, they didn't mean anything. I had to reach through the gel layer around my mind and drag each item in, so I could hold it up in my brain next to the thing I was looking for and go, "no, they don't match. Next."

This broken-brain-thing happened every few months or so, and although I felt crazy, the doctor said there was nothing wrong except slightly low vitamin D. So I ignored the pit of dread in my stomach and kept keeping on.

5 years later, I took an overnight flight for a school trip and missed a night of sleep. I dozed off in the museum, and when I opened my eyes again, I wasn't awake. I could have sworn my feet weren't touching the ground when I walked, and that the familiar faces of my friends warped slightly in front of me, and I was sure they disappeared entirely when I turned my back. My body tingled and my brain felt fuzzy. Was I dreaming still? The clocks told the time correctly, and I could feel my head ache dully, but... the world didn't feel right. And as I floated down the corridor, down the steps, into the bus, I became more and more certain that if this was a dream, it was only a matter of time before it became a nightmare. And the more terrified I became, the more I could feel my consciousness sinking deeper into my brain, further and further away from the world. I cried and shook and shut down, and the teacher phoned my parents, who were furious that I had wasted the trip. I was welcomed home with scathing silence and biting judgement. My brain decided then and there that it was done, that is was out. of. options. If I was going to survive the next 2 years, then staying disconnected was the only way to do it.

So I got through my final years of high school and my first year of uni in a haze. I got top grades. Of course I did - my brain was on autopilot. Finally, I got the right therapy, medication, diagnosis. I moved out. Slowly, slowly, the wall of gel thinned and dissipated, and the world was real again.

Now I almost never feel like this. As much as I hate it, I know it will go away again, like it has before. I know this is my brain wrapping me in cotton wool while it drags me through the thicket of thorns to the other side. I know it's worried about me, and trying to keep me safe, and I'm thankful for that.

[cut-n-snared]

everything feels like a dream

when i remember things i can't tell if it was a dream or real

[absent-minded-capital]

Im Feeling chaotic >:3 PPL PLZ TALK TO ME GRGRGRGGR

-tem (and blue lovingly suffering with my energy)

[caintooth]

seeing people my age talk about how scared they are of memory loss, which they only associate with old age, is so surreal to see as a 24 year old who has actively experienced memory loss for a long time now

there are causes for memory loss besides dementia and alzheimer’s, i hope y’all know that. dissociative disorders, trauma, brain injuries, thyroid problems, even just stress and lack of sleep can fuck up your ability to store, process, and access memory. and that’s just a few of the many causes i can think of off the top of my head right now.

please stop treating disabled people like some scary “other” that you might become only in the distant, decades-away future. we are your age, too. you may become one of us sooner than you know. stop acting like memory loss marks the end of a life, when so many of us have so much living left to do!

[keets-writing-corner]

Thinking a LOT about Lucifer in the latest Hazbin episode. Idk what I was expecting but not this??

As I was watching my immediate thought was just "huh... Lucifer is kinda of weird..." but as the episode went on I realized the issue

the dude is off the chain depressed, like he says it as a joke but holy cow it is SO BAD

He's manically just creating rubber ducks cuz his daughter really like it that one time but it's empty, it's never good enough but he keeps doing it, maybe cuz he doesn't know how to pass the time otherwise.

like I get the feeling he HAS better things he SHOULD be doing than making rubber duck after rubber duck. At first I was like, "Bruh why isn't the king of hell doing anything?" aaaaand then it became clear...

The dude is disassociating so bad he can barely hold a conversation let alone remember information. He clearly WANTS to, he wants to be involved with his daughter so bad, he wants to care about the things she's doing so bad, but his depression keeps interfering. It's like he can only hear every other word and he grasps onto the ones he does hear semi-out of context. Like you can see every time he catches something that he hadn't before and he just "well shit I didn't catch that part"

and that's why he reacts so weird when people talk to him. He is struggling so bad to engage with the conversation he's only getting 50% of it

does that look like the face of a man who knows what the hell the conversation is even about??? he is STRUGGLING

like Charlie spent so long telling him about the hotel, and he STILL didn't understand what she wanted. Yeah it comes off as ditzy but literally I've been in that position where your brain just "nope, not doing this right now" and nerfs your conversation comprehension. So as someone who's BEEN in that position, to me it feels exactly like what he's dealing with. He's sorta engaged with the conversation, but only as much as his brain will allow

For example, when I'm dealing with this, this is what someone talking to me feels like this where the crossed out parts are what I missed and bold is what I catch, "Hey! You know I was thinking for dinner we could either make some chicken with rice? But if you don't feel like cooking, pasta is super easy and you love that right? What do you want to do?" you can kinda get that someone is trying to talk to you about dinner, and towards the end you get the impression that they asked something that needs your input so you can decently put 2 and 2 together and try and pass off, but crucial bits were left out, I would have no idea that either chicken or pasta is in the conversation only having heard "rice". When someone is just talking at me, I can decently pass off as being engaged but the second I'm required to participate in the conversation I'm screwed. Seem familiar? At which point I have 2 options, try to give a bullshit answer, or admit that I missed what they were saying and ask them to repeat

Lucifer, unfortunately, is trying so damn hard to hide that he's dealing with like 24/7 dissociation, so he can't admit that he's missing entire chunks of the conversation, hence his really weird replies. He does eventually get the full picture and then he and Charlie start having the real conversation

Also, the Alastor/Lucifer rivalry was hilarious but also really indicative of more of what Lucifer is dealing with

Alastor is, unfortunately, really good at picking up people's insecurities, and thanks to Charlie's description earlier and watching Lucifer clearly trying to overcompensate, he immediately picks up on the fact that Lucifer KNOWS he struggles to be a good dad (we know cuz it's cuz of the depression, hard to be engaged when your brain keeps turning off) and decides to rub salt in the wound by pretending he's been acting as a surrogate father to Charlie. Now why Alastor decided to pick a fight with the king of hell is beyond me, I do not understand Alastor (and I LIKE IT) (maybe it's cuz Alastor thinks he's hot shit and was expecting Lucifer to at least have heard of him but Lucifer just treats him like a nobody? who knows)(why would Lucifer listen to radio anyways when he can't even pay attention to a conversation it'd just be white noise)

But yeah I just was expecting someone who oozed either charisma or presence and instead I got a depressed dad who's dissociating so bad he can barely function and be present in his life. The only thing it seems he CAN do is make rubber ducks cuz his daughter really liked it that one time

Idk Lucifer is tragic to me. Whatever the full details of what heavan did to him absolutely broke him and he can't deal with it. He's aware of it, and he doesn't know how to fix it, so he tries to over compensate and sorta makes an ass out of himself but no one says or does anything cuz this guy is supposed to be THE king of hell

Suddenly it's making a lot more sense why he just rolls over and lets heaven do what it wants and even told Charlie to go in his place the start of the show. He's not in any headspace to hold a basic conversation let alone negotiate! He didn't even know who Alastor was, he's been so out of touch

idk I like him, he seems sweet, I hope Charlie brings some light back into his life. He really needs to get out of that rubber duck room

[met4lwhore]

yall are pro mental illness until they hallucinate

yall are pro mental illness until they dissociate

yall are pro mental illness until they self-isolate

yall are pro mental illness until they're paranoid

yall are pro mental illness until they split

yall are pro mental illness until it's too Scary for your comparatively neurotypical brain to handle

[rustybutterknife]

Microdosing polyamory by dating a system

[inbredlamb]

[c-0-yote-teeth]

fuck it we ball

[iwillnotseeheaven]

[accidentalslayer]

[tumbler-polls]

When you picture yourself in your mind, do you imagine yourself precisely how you look in real life, or do you see something else (an alter ego, a person who looks differently, another being, etc.)? When you're visualizing from the first person's pov, whose hands are you seeing? If you have aphantasia, consider "seeing" as a metaphor for the way you think of the concept of yourself.

The main options (we put them here due to the character limit):

🪞: I only imagine myself the way I look like irl.

🪆: I imagine someone/something that represents me.

✨️: I imagine myself in multiple ways: the way I am, as another being, as an abstract concept, you name it.

Please reblog for a bigger sample size and feel free to expand on your answer in the comments / tags!

Credit to @anon (we added a few options).

[fallingmaddlyinlove]

when you're heavily dissociated and people are trying to talk to you

[bunnighost]