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winters8child · 15 days

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It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 85

“You’re sure about this?” Steve asked, his hands buried in his pockets as he glanced around the lab. It was full of sleek, futuristic equipment, one of which was the cryo chamber where Bucky would be frozen once more. He was so afraid of losing control, of hurting someone again, that this seemed like the only solution to him.

I could feel the ache in my chest—the unbearable sense of loss. I was losing him again. Saying goodbye, again. It felt like that’s all we ever did over the last hundred years.

Bucky sat on the cot, staring at the floor as the doctor prepared everything. “I can’t trust my own mind,” he said, his voice low and resolute. “So until they figure out how to get this stuff out of my head, I think going back under is the best thing… for everybody.” His eyes flickered to me, full of sadness, knowing how much this hurt.

I had tried everything to talk him out of it, but he wouldn’t listen.

Steve and I stood side by side, both weighed down by the gravity of what was happening. Bucky looked between us, his expression softening, before he added quietly, “Don’t give up on each other.”

He still didn’t know the real reason for the break between Steve and me, and after everything he’d said about being broken, I doubted I’d ever tell him. “Nothing fixes a relationship like being on the run together, so…” I muttered sarcastically, glancing at Steve with a hollow smile.

Bucky chuckled, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Maybe try couples therapy instead?” he teased, his laughter dying quickly as the doctor approached from behind, signaling that everything was ready.

The moment of levity faded, replaced by the cold reality of what was about to happen.

Steve stepped forward first, pulling Bucky into a quick hug, and patting him on the back. Bucky held on tightly, the kind of embrace that carried the weight of years of friendship, loss, and everything unsaid between them.

Then it was my turn. As I approached, I could already feel the tears prick in my eyes. I wrapped my arms around him, and the second he hugged me back, I felt the dam breaking inside.

“I’ll miss you, Buck,” I whispered, my voice trembling as I tried to hold it together. His arms tightened around me, and he pressed a soft, chaste kiss to my cheek.

We slowly pulled apart, but the sense of loss lingered, almost crushing me. I wiped away the tears with trembling hands, trying to hold on to what little strength I had left. Bucky glanced at us one last time, his eyes soft but burdened, before he stepped into the chamber.

The machine hissed and steamed as it activated, and I watched him close his eyes, surrendering to the cold. In an instant, he was frozen—still, silent—like he was only taking a nap.

Although every fiber of my being screamed at me not to leave him here, we had no choice. Bucky was locked in ice, and now we had to go. Steve had already helped break the others out of that hellhole Ross threw them into, but it didn’t change the fact that everything was different now. Clint and Scott had gotten deals because of their families, but there were no deals for us—no second chances for Sam, Steve, or me.

Our lives were changed forever.

We were fugitives, and the future felt like a looming, endless stretch of uncertainty. We had no idea how long we’d be on the run, how long we’d be looking over our shoulders, waiting for the inevitable. Sam mentioned knowing a place where we could lie low for a while, but the weight of what we were leaving behind clung to us as we boarded the jet.

Wakanda disappeared behind us, but the heaviness in my chest stayed.

Sam's safe house was a small fishing cabin tucked away in a town so remote, it didn’t even show up on maps. The drive from town was short, only about ten minutes, and the cabin sat near a pristine lake, surrounded by towering mountains. In any other situation, it would have been the perfect place for a quiet vacation—a serene escape from the world. But we weren’t here to relax. We were hiding, waiting for the storm to pass, if it ever would.

The moment we stepped inside, Sam dropped his bag and casually informed us, "You guys can share the room with the bigger bed. I'll take the other room."

My stomach twisted at the thought. "Just one bed?" I asked with a grimace, the last thing I wanted was to share a bed with Steve while we were on a break, surrounded by unresolved tension.

Steve shrugged nonchalantly, glancing at the sofa. "I can sleep on the couch," he offered.

I eyed the small, somewhat comfortable-looking couch in front of the TV. It was far from ideal. Even though I didn’t want to share the bed, making Steve sleep on that tiny thing felt wrong too. But I didn’t know what else to do. Everything about this situation felt wrong.

Sam sighed, clearly relieved, and muttered, "Please, let's not start the fighting already. We're gonna be stuck here for a while."

I could tell this was just as awkward for him. No one wanted to be caught in the middle of a strained relationship, especially when we were all crammed together in this tiny, secluded cabin.

"No fighting from me," Steve responded calmly, dropping his bag next to the couch. "The couch looks fine."

Sam gave us both a grateful nod before slipping into his room to unpack, leaving me alone in the suddenly too-quiet living room.

I looked around at the small space we’d be confined to, anxiety gnawing at the edges of my thoughts. The idea of being trapped under this roof with Steve—unable to avoid the tension that simmered between us—made the cabin feel suffocating.

With limited chances to leave and only a weekly supply run in town, it was clear that whatever we were avoiding would eventually have to come to the surface. We couldn’t hide from each other forever.

"I think I'll unpack my stuff," I mumbled, picking up my bag. I glanced back at Steve, who was standing at the front door. He gave me a quick nod and a small smile before turning to open the door.

"This is all awkward, right? It's not just me... right?", I asked nervously.

Steve looked up and nodded slowly, a trace of discomfort in his eyes. "Yup."

"Great," I replied, trying to mask my frustration, and retreated into my room.

The room was spacious but felt a bit neglected, with sunflowers on the wallpaper and dusty curtains. The bed was just a bare mattress, giving the impression it had been a while since anyone stayed there.

As I opened the windows to let in some fresh air, the sound of chirping birds and the warm spring breeze was a small comfort. I looked out at the lake and saw Steve sitting on the wooden pier, his posture hunched and his head hanging low.

It was clear he was just as burdened by the situation as I was I longed to be close to him, but the sting of his words still lingered. He was undoubtedly hurt as well, and he didn’t even know what had happened in the maze. The memory of Bucky made my heart race, and I instantly felt a pang of guilt. Steve deserved better.

I stepped out onto the porch as the sun was setting and joined him, sitting down beside him. The sunlight danced off the water as a family of ducks glided across the lake. Steve turned to me with a somber smile and shifted over to give me more space.

“It’s beautiful, don’t you think?” I asked, trying to break the silence.

“It is,” he replied, his gaze drifting to our hands, which were almost touching. He pulled away, and I crossed my arms, feeling a pang of regret. Maybe it had been a mistake to come out here.

“I’m sorry. I’ll leave you alone,” I said, starting to get up, but he stopped me by gently holding my arm.

“No, stay... please,” he pleaded. I sat back down.

“It’s almost like sitting in Prospect Park... almost,” he said, glancing at the space beside me. I sighed, my shoulders slumping. “Yeah, almost.”

Next Chapter

#sebastian stan #bucky barnes #marvel #steve rogers #marvel fanfiction #the avengers #fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader #steve rogers x reader

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marvelmcumania · 5 months

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You are my only love - Part 1

Pairing: Steve Rogers X Fem Reader Summary: That life's fate wasn't meant for both of you but the this did! WORD COUNT:1.4k Setting: Modern World and The 80s

A reincarnation au fic. Hello Everyone this is my first fic on Tumblr and there will be mistakes, so forgive Updates won't be frequent will be updated at any time English is not my first language Do not repost Feel free to reblog and let me know your thoughts

NO WARNING AS OF NOW

Navigation | Masterlist | Marvel Masterlist |Steve Rogers Masterlist

They say we somehow always meet in the next life and this was the same thing with Steve Rogers and Y/N L/N a tale of tragic love but a tale of love that becomes one of the best things ever happened to them.

Sweetheart, I will always be with you

You are my only love

Present

You woke up from your nightmarish dream again. And it has happened daily since you were 10 years old at first your parents consoled you but when it started increasing whenever you took a nap they decided to take you to therapy and yet still the therapist couldn't help. The scream of the deep blue eyes which felt familiar looking concerned at you and then blood pooling down from both of your bodies.

It made you feel real that the person's sinister eyes held a great obsession for you, whereas this blue-eyed man held a deep love for you. Sighing you got up from the bed rubbing your eyes.

"Why does this happen to me?"

You entered the kitchen taking a glass of water taking a sip of it.

"Are you okay there?" Natalie your roommate was sitting on the sofa watching her late-night show.

You whipped your head looking at her and shook it giving her a smile that didn't reach your eyes." Nah I am good" keeping the glass on the shelves "What are you watching?" you said taking a seat beside her.

"F.R.I.E.N.D.S" she nonchalantly said handing you the popcorn box

You took the popcorn "One of my favorite shows"

"Mine too" You both laughed when Joey wore all of Chandler's clothes. Forgetting the dream for the moment

The next you woke up on the sofa checking your phone it was 7:00 AM shrugging you set it aside looking straightforward and sighing weirdly you didn't get the nightmare again Looking sideways Natalie was sprawled on the other side of the couch TV sound dimmed.

"Hey Natalie" you whispered trying to wake her up she blinked her eyes looking at you. "Uhm it's 7:00 AM and you have your office timing at 11:00 AM it's better if you sleep some more in your room."

"Oh thanks" she yawns taking the remote and switching it off. She gets up stretches her body and reaches her bedroom stopping midway you were scrolling on your phone looking at the schedule. "Y/N?"

You looked up from your phone" Yeah?"

"At night time you were murmuring something about 'save me' 'please don't kill him' and 'I will never marry you' Like were you having a nightmare?" Your eyes widened at what Natalie said even though it wasn't in the visuals you still had it.

"Oh?" your eyebrows furrowed this was now going out of hands "I don't remember it"

"I think it's something more than that Y/N/N" You raised your eyebrow at her "Look I don't know how to say this but it's something related to your past lives"

"There is nothing like past lives Natalie" You went back to your phone heart beating radically. "These are some weird rumors and conspiracy theories"

"Y/N/N" she called you out making you look up once again "They aren't and it's a different thing also known as reincarnation. I read that on the internet"

"And is there scientific proof" You were now getting irritated was she now making fun of you she became quiet for a moment.

"I wish I could have proved but don't come running near me when your therapist thinks about it"

You scowled at her, looking back down to your phone and chewing your lips. Natalie sighed and went back to her bedroom. What if Natalie was right that this is something related to past life but you ignored her.

You get up from the sofa get ready for your office and resume your daily routine of brushing your teeth and having a good bath You come out and pick up your outfit of the day. Combing your hair making it into a messy bun. Well, you didn't have an appetite for breakfast and the only thing that would help her now was coffee. The best thing is to watch until the shop opens the park scenery.

You were never a fan of morning walks, but to clear your mind and reach your office straight away, you decided to take two rounds and sit on a bench and mull over Natalie's talk with you. Taking out your phone, you typed about it to clear your doubt, and as you thought, well, it's 50 50 to believe in reincarnation theories.

You were looking ahead, lost in your own thoughts. When you felt something down your leg looking down, you saw a cute dog sniffing around your leg and nudging his body around your legs.

"Oh hey, bub" you bought your hand to check whether he trusted you. The dog looked at you bringing his nose near your hand and sniffed you making sure you weren't any bad guy and showed you his head and scratched his head "Are you lost bub?" looking at his collar his owner must be here somewhere.

"DODGER" The dog turns to the source of sound his tail slightly wagging "DODGER WHERE ARE YOU?"

"I guess the screaming man is your owner huh?" The dog just huffed not getting too interested in their owner's voice "Don't tell me you had a fight" you chuckle seeing the dog growling meaning they indeed had some fight. "Okay how about we go near him and make him tell you sorry with huge treats"

You began to drag the dog who was hesitant at first but soon made up your speed and soon enough you came face to face with the yelling man who was out of breath

"Hey" you yelled at the man who turned to look at you before you could make a move you stood there seeing the man but the dog began dragging you breaking your concentration and almost making you fall "Hey bub calm down"

"Oh my God Thank you, "the man says squatting down to give some scratches to the dog "Never do that again Dodge you scared me you want the toy I will buy you but" he hugs him "Never leave" You are looking at their interaction when the man glances up at you "Thank You Again"

Your breath hitches looking at the man his blue eyes giving you a familiar face the man in your dreams. You just nod at him giving him a smile "A very active dog I see"

"Yeah" he chuckles "and when I decline something of his favorite he just runs away"

You give him a smile and look back at the dog giving him a small ear scratch you are scared to look at him what if he remembers you what if the dream you always had has been the same it's been more than 2 minutes and you can already feel the sparks and connection the attraction towards him.

Before he could say anything your phone started ringing disrupting your talk It was from your colleague Natasha "Uhm Sorry I need to pick this up"

"Yeah sure" he nods giving you a similar smile you always have seen in your dream.

You pick up the call "Hey Nat!" answering when a screeching sound comes behind the caller.

Where are you?

"Uhm at the park?" You turned back before giving an apologetic smile to Steve. Hearing a huff from her "What is it, Nat?"

Do you realize what the time is now? We will be late for the office

Taking a look at the watch it was indeed late for you and you needed to catch the bus how much time did you spend here maybe the thinking made you late "Okay I will be right there just wait for me Okay?"

Yeah, hurry up!

You cut the call turning to the man who had been standing, you were surprised to find him gone along with his dog. A shiver ran down your spine as you scanned the area, but there was no sign of him anywhere. Questions stirred in your mind as you tried to make sense of his sudden disappearance. Had he simply walked away while you were distracted?

But with that, you felt more connected with him the man from your dream who looked exactly the same with furrowed eyebrows you left the question lingering in your mind and then left the park to meet Natasha at bus stand.

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lemonandlime22 · 2 years

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Super random Twst hc

A/N: wrote this while coming down from either a sugar high or just that random 3am burst of energy you get type high. Also idk how to explain the weight thing exactly its very comforting for me just to have someone lay on top of you or rly anything heavy like that. Same with the thunderstorm, I grew up absolutely loving them and I still do

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Lilia loves true crime. Has a podcast with Cater about it.

Maybe Rook too

Deuce seems like the type of person that if an animal picked them (like just came up to them first or just spent the most time with them, etc) he would burst into tears and become extremely emotionally attached to them

and yes it has happened multiple times with the hedgehogs.

Malleus listens to asmr, like those really sappy relationship roleplay ones. Not just when he's going to sleep but rly any time of the day

same tho.

Leona unknowingly likes it when Cheka is napping with him. I think he's the type to like it when something heavy is on them, it's reassuring in a way, or maybe just grounding. Anyway, Cheka sleeps on his chest when he visits and Leona's taking a nap

same again.

Vil's responsible enough to go to actual therapy after his overblot. He's not ashamed of it one bit, and even lightly pushes for the other overblot-es to go as well, but he stops if they ask him to but still gives them the number(s) of credible and trustworthy therapists.

Riddle and Jamil would probably be the most willing out of them all, Jamil would have most likely already been considering it, while Riddle would do it cause he believes it's what he should do, but neither of them rly likes to talk about it/ about going.

Leona wouldn't want to go/just go for a little while, purely cause it was Vil who was suggesting it. But those two are p similar in that they both are p smart and self-aware, so sooner or later he'll push aside his pride and go. Doesn't care if anyone knows or not.

Azul would have to be dragged to go to therapy, not cause he doesn't think he doesn't need it but cause he's too ashamed and embraced to tell anyone about his overblot.

Idia might have to be dragged kicking and screaming by Ortho to go. (not sure tho, haven't finished book 6).

Fuck if I know about Malleus.

Jack prob names all his cacti. Would rather die then tell anyone bout that tho.

Cater has taught Trey how to make some spicy food.

Kalim is the #1 name remember-er, cause obv he has over 30 siblings. Doesn't mean he won't go threw like 45 other names before he gets to yours tho.

When Floyd was little he tried to eat his own tail, and sometimes still does when he's rrreeeeaaalllyyy board.

Jade gave him the idea. He also has convinced Floyd to eat many other things, like rocks, glass, paper, metal, etc. He could hand him literally almost anything and he'll eat it with little to no question.

Silver has prob woken up cuddling a bear or some crazy shit like that, and just went back to sleep like it's nothing.

Rook seems like he likes to do wood carvings and make his own arrows.

Azul, Ace, Jamil, and Leona all seem like they love thunderstorms

Azul prob used to watch them just below the surface of the water.

Ace and his big brother probably played a lot of different card games when the power went out, so he associates them with good memories.

Jamil and Leona might have both liked the because similar to the weight on the chest thing, it's calming and grounding, and a p comforting. Also might be a way to help relieve stress or smth

same once again.

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pookapufferfish · 9 months

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Maybe I should rest, take it easy y'know

Just kinda stop everything for a bit

I wish my brain could be turned off and on again

Would probably fix a lot

Wish I could convey how I am feeling. Or more like, why am I feeling a certain way. People say I can talk to them about it, but what do I say

I wish seeing people or certain things didn't make me upset, I was actively thinking the other day "I wish I didn't have to see notifications from this person but I don't want to block them because they are a friend, I wish there was like, a one sided block that just hides them from you but not you from them"

Who even thinks that about their friends

I can't even talk to them about it because what do I say, they have probably been through stuff already, I don't want to make their day bad by going "hey friend, I feel like garbage when I see you. I keep trying to get better but I feel like I am moving backwards and now I am starting to go quiet when you are around."

I am scared to talk to them, maybe another day, or time. Or maybe the feeling will just go away.

Someone yelled at me today, I am not mad at them, I think they just had a bad day. But it was something I am kinda vulnerable about. They said sorry but I still feel off.

I feel like I am slow with things. I type slow, I move slow, I react slow. I feel like I slow others down. I am scared to play games with others unless I know the game well because I feel like I am just gonna slow them down or get left behind. And that sucks

I feel like I am out of the loop with a lot of stuff my friends do. And I feel like I can never get back into the loop because I will just get out of loop again. I am always a step behind. I am excluded from the silly inside joke. I am not a part of the fun exclusive group that I couldn't join because I was sleeping. And when I try to act chill and ask for more info or playful beg to join the group. They either ignore it or say that I had to be there. Or they explain why the group was made and "oh if you join next time then we can add you"

And "next time" sucks. Because when is next time, I live on the other side of the planet from a lot of friends. And the ones I don't have timezone differences with are the ones with the strangest sleep schedules or they are busy, or our schedules just don't align. And it hurts when I go to bed and I see friends all playing games together. And I wake up the next morning and people are laughing over all the fun that was had, all the silly jokes I missed, all the chaos. And when I talk about how I am sad I missed it "next time" they say.

As if they aren't gonna do another VC at 10pm my time. As if maybe I could join their game and not be left behind because they move too fast. As if I could be a part of their little groups.

I feel lonely, I feel like I am left out. Once I go back to school I will have no time at all to hang out with friends. But oh don't worry, this weekend we could hang out except no, because everyone is busy. And the cycle repeats.

And when I finally get to hang out with friends and have fun. I feel happy for a while. I feel loved and appreciated. But then I get weighed down, by seeing friends talking about stuff that I can never be a part of, because that stuff already happened, but hey always next time.

I am tired. I wish I could see some of my friends. I wish I could know them better. I wish I could be there for all the next times. I wish I could be happy hearing my friends happily talk about this dumb bit for the fifth time and trying to explain it to me over and over again. I wish I didn't have to cover parts of group artworks because seeing a certain design makes me feel like I am dying.

I want a hug, I need a nap. I have spent an hour writing this dumb ramble that nobody is going to read. It feels a bit cathartic though. Maybe this is how to show my feelings, but it feels too mean and raw.

I think screaming this into the void of the internet is fine, maybe everyone is right, maybe I do need therapy.

This post was just meant to be the first 2 lines, how did it become this mess

Anyways look at this cool dog, isn't he neat

#vent #i am just going to curl up and cry now because that might help

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steddiejudas · 7 months

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STWG Daily Drabble 2/16/24

Prompt: napping

this very nearly gets spicy but Eddie is just an eepy guy, anyway warning for a glimpse of daddy and breeding kink

“Where is she?” Eddie says, bursting through the door like a madman, crouching down with arms outstretched for his mini-me.

“‘Hi sweetheart, I can’t believe I’ve been gone for a week, I missed you so much,’” Steve mutters from the couch. He pushes his book aside and sends Eddie his best attempt at a withering glare over his glasses, but that look lost all its heat in ‘86 when Steve used it enough to last a lifetime, dragging Eddie’s ass through physical therapy.

Eddie’s smile warms as he drops down on the couch next to his heart, pulling him into the embrace they’ve both been missing like a lost limb.

“Hi sweetheart,” he says, pushing Steve’s bangs away from his forehead so he can leave a kiss right between his eyes. “I can’t believe I’ve been gone for a week. I missed you so much.” He says it so earnestly, it hurts, and Steve melts into him, holding on to Eddie like a lifeline.

“She’s napping,” Steve whispers from the space he’s built himself in the crook of Eddie’s neck, his home. “Just went down, so, we’ve got a couple hours.”

“Oh? And was there potentially something you wanted to do with that time?”

Steve blushes, and Eddie is hit with the thought that it is really such a treat that after years of fighting and recovery, fighting again, but this time just to find a place in the world, and now a 3 year old who has made all the pain worth it in the end, Steve still gets a little shy asking for what he wants.

“I just thought, well maybe if we try really hard… I know we never got it to stick, but I think we could try again.”

Eddie can feel his grin bordering on manic. “Oh, sweetheart. You want to be good for me? Let daddy make you feel good and fill you up, see if we can’t put a baby in you this time?”

“Yes! Please, daddy, can we?”

“Well since you asked so nicely, baby.”

Eddie stands without releasing his hold on Steve’s waist. Steve has to jump up a bit to wrap his legs around Eddie’s waist, nearly knocking his forehead into Eddie’s nose in the process, but for all the awkward limbs and narrowly avoided bloody noses, they’re laughing through it all the same, just happy to be back in each other's arms.

In their bedroom, thankfully soundproofed so they don’t wake the child, Eddie drops Steve onto the mattress with a heavy thud. He takes his time crawling up his partner’s picturesque physique, softened by fatherhood, but no less beautiful, lavishing attention at every spot of soft skin he can get his mouth on.

Until he reaches his neck and slows down to kiss and nip, leaving marks much lighter than they once used to claim each other with. Steve is a teacher now, and Eddie couldn’t be more proud, if only a little disappointed that he has to make sure any marks he leaves are coverable by his shirt or at least concealer now. It’s in the warmth and safety of Steve’s pulse, thrumming hard in his neck, that the exhaustion of the day hits Eddie all at once. He’s been traveling home from meetings with his publishing company, followed by two days of panels at San Diego Comic-Con since late last night, catching a red eye in the hopes of making it home for breakfast with Little One, just to stumble into his flight having been detoured, a four hour layover and a connecting flight nearly doubling his travel time.

“Eddie?” Steve asks softly. Eddie doesn’t stir, just huffs soft breaths into his skin.

Steve smiles fondly, wills his boner to calm the fuck down and pulls the blankets up around them. A nap it is, then.

Later, when Little One has decided sleep is for the weak, she’ll run into their bedroom, screaming in excitement at Eddie’s return. Steve will watch in loving exasperation as Eddie scoops her up and returns her excitement tenfold, before going to make second breakfast for his little hobbit, since he missed the first.

#steddie #stranger things #eddie munson #steve harrington #stwgdailyprompt #dad stuff in this one gang #they are dads #but also daddy stuff #i couldn’t help myself sorry #eddie turned a tastefully edited version of the upside down stuff into a campaign #he did not expect it to get so popular and now he has a team of lawyers fighting with the government over the specifics of his NDA

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eliquepalace · 2 years

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mental health tips!

(from a LOA perspective.)

it is important to take care of your mental health through your (manifesting/spiritual) journey. even while being divine, you are in a human body and are bound to have human experiences. and TRUST, i understand how overwhelming it can be to navigate the world when you are spiraling or going through a lot mentally. so these are few tips that i use that have seemed to work for me and i hope work for you too!

when dealing with intrusive thoughts:

→ when those thoughts come, let it flow. as scary as it may seem, don’t engage with it. do some deep breathing exercises and focus on that instead.

→ you are not those thoughts and you never will be. remind yourself that.

→ ‘postpone’ the thoughts. if you usually end up finding it hard to let go of spiraling thoughts. tell yourself “i will come back to it. when i am calmer and feel better, i can look at those thoughts through a neutral perspective.” and often times, those thoughts disappear and you would have forgotten you plan to ruminate over them in the first place.

when dealing with negative emotions:

→ acknowledge your emotions. if you need to cry, talk it out or scream, do whatever, just let it out. don’t harbor pain or hurt. let yourself FEEL.

→ if you constantly deal with negative emotions, i urge you to seek out resources for therapy, if you can afford it, as it can be a great help! (no, you won’t be encouraging the ‘old story’ by talking about your life/emotions with someone who listens). don’t deny yourself assistance out of fear.

→ do something fun or calming:

if you like something fun: get creative, hang out with friends, record video journals or dance.

if you prefer something calming: write, meditate, pray (doesn’t have to be to anyone in particular, it could just be you talking to you/your subconscious), take a quick nap or take a walk in nature.

→ this is one of those many times, you show yourself a LOT more love. treat yourself with kindness and patience. when working through your emotions, don’t criticize yourself for doing too much or not doing enough.

affirmations:

i am a master manifester and i live life calmly knowing life works only in my favor.

i identify only with the greatest good.

i fully trust myself to do what’s right for me.

i am always deserving of what i want.

i let go of anything i do not align with.

i deserve to live a life i love.

this shall pass and it always does.

i kept all my thoughts in check today. i didn’t waver once. my mind is completely saturated with the new story. — courtesy of @blushydior.

general tips:

→ whatever you desire is yours and always will be. letting your emotions flow through won't affect your desires.

→ if you deal with a lot of anxiety around manifesting, go back to the basics!! the over-complication of manifesting does more harm than good. i promise you that reminding yourself of the very bottom line of the law does wonders.

→ manifesting has allowed me to trust myself a lot more than i ever could and that is how it should be. trust yourself and your subconscious. they know what you want, and they won't ever let you down.

→ if you find yourself going through a series of so many questions and fears, that is okay. step away from any form of overconsumption. address those fears and find the root cause of why you feel that way. pay attention to yourself and emotions, break down those fears until you feel safe again.

→ everyone's journey is different. you will get where you want to be, that is guaranteed. take what works and leave the rest. remember, manifesting is meant to be fun!!!

just because you exist, that makes you worthy of your desires and overall happiness. you deserve it!!

#law of assumption #manifestation #spirituality #mental health #anxiety #self concept #neville goddard #mental health tips #loa affirmations #loassumption #elique’s archive

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sarahjswift · 1 year

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Chapter 2 of my New Fanfic!

STILL working on a title...hopefully a song lyric from Taylor though! If you have any ideas, tell me in the comments!

I have about 4 chapter already written, so you should get them maybe every other day before uploads become farther apart :) as always, huge thanks to my Tumblr bestie @backtobl4ck

Warnings: Language, Light Smut 👀, Slight Mention of Self-Harm Word Count: 1.2k

This room was a piece of shit.

Aelin dumped her bag onto the floor and glanced around the room. It was so tiny that only a small hospital single bed fit in it. The floor had the same ugly carpet as that other room, and a tiny - barred - window sat above the bed frame. A tiny cactus rested on the windowsill in a desperate attempt to bring cheer to the room.

She collapsed on the bed, exhaustion clouding her vision. It had been a busy week, and she tried to recount it. Monday, the intervention. Aedion had been there, and that was it. That was everyone who cared about her, one fucking person, who happened to be her family member. Then Tuesday, Aedion sleeping over to “check on her” and researching help for her. Wednesday telling her about this place and packing. And now Thursday, here.

Aelin stared up at the ugly popcorn ceiling, thinking of her new home - the “Whitethorn Rehab Center”. It was a nice enough place, and its patrons seemed like good people. But they had all mixed together and Aelin didn’t remember any of them. Well, that wasn’t true. Her new therapist - she remembered him.

She hoped none of her surprise had shown on her face when she first saw him. He was easily the most handsome man she had ever seen, with soft brown skin and beautiful silver hair. Aelin thought of his jaw dropping eyes. They were green and seemed to be probing her entire being.

Once, she would have found him tempting. Once, she would have blushed to be in his presence. Once, she would have gotten his number and slowly seduced him until they were dating and obsessed with each other.

But all the desire and love had drained out of her 12 months and 4.5 days ago.

____

Aelin did nothing but nap until one of the nurses took her to eat dinner in a large cafeteria. Although the room was crowded with people, it was mostly silent except for some murmuring.

“You are going to sit with your therapy group,” the nurse said. She looked like a sweet woman, with dark brown skin and black curls. Her eyes were blue and soft, understanding. Her name tag read Eillia. “Go grab some food, hon. I’ll just be over in the corner.” She walked away to where a group of other nurses were standing.

Aelin watched her go before turning and sitting down at the table she had been shown. She wasn’t hungry - in fact, the smell of the food in the cafeteria made her nauseous. She hadn’t had an appetite in twelve months.

A woman she recognized from therapy - Lysandra - sized her up, her emerald-colored eyes darting up and down Aelin’s body. “Can I help you?” Aelin snapped, annoyed with the woman’s obvious distaste.

“I don’t know, can you?” Lysandra purred, her voice lilting and seductive. Aelin raised an eyebrow and snorted, shaking her head. “Okay then. Don’t pick fights you can’t win.”

A dart of fury went through Aelin, and she opened her mouth to protest before a man with carrot-colored hair cut in. “Ladies, let’s just eat. No need to make enemies on your first day!” He chuckled nervously, taking a bite of his macaroni and cheese.

“So Lucas, how long have you been here?” another woman asked him. She was soft-spoken, pretty and demure. Elide.

Aelin tuned them all out as they all began chatting. She didn’t have the time for mindless small talk. She wanted to scream, she wanted to flip the table over and shatter the windows. How could these people talk and laugh when the love of her life was gone forever, and she would never see him again?

Her breath was coming faster and faster, her chest heaving. She spotted Lucas’s knife on the table. Glancing around, Aelin swiped it, quickly stuffing it into her pocket.

For later. She’d need it for later.

______

The club was loud, and crowded, and way too hot. Rowan shoved through the mass of bodies, trying to make his way to the bar. He was already regretting coming with Lorcan, who had disappeared and was likely flirting with some woman somewhere. The haze of drunkenness swept through Rowan’s mind, blurring his senses. He wasn’t wasted, but he definitely wasn’t tipsy.

Finally, he reached the bar. The barmaid was a pretty woman with pale skin and red curling hair. She looked at Rowan, giving him a once-over, and her red lips curved into a smile. “How can I help you?” Her voice was raspy.

“A tequila shot, please,” Rowan answered. She turned and bent down a little too far, making sure Rowan saw the view. As she prepared his drink, she peered at him through her lashes. “What’s got you drinking alone? Where’s your girlfriend?”

“No girlfriend,” Rowan said roughly. “You?”

The barmaid shrugged. “Situationship.” Rowan nodded and took the shot. “I’m Remelle,” she said, leaning across the bar.

“Rowan.”

___

Thirty minutes later, they were making out against the club building. Remelle tasted like whiskey and cinnamon, and she smelled like a bar in the best way possible. Rowan was drunk and horny, and she was a perfect fix.

They stumbled toward the parking lot, Remelle laughing huskily as Rowan tripped on a rock. They reached Rowan’s car and locked themselves inside. Rowan pulled the backseat down and when he turned back to look at Remelle, she was only in her underthings. She grabbed Rowan’s shirt and tugged him to her, bringing her mouth to meet his.

He ran a possessive down her leg, which she curled around his waist. Remelle pulled his shirt off and let out breathless giggles at the sight of his top half. “What?” Rowan growled, kissing down her collarbone.

“So muscular, shit,” Remelle snorted. She let him lay her on the extended car seat and watched lazily as he kissed his way down, down….

After they were done, Remelle propped herself up on her elbow, looking down at Rowan. Her hair tickled his face, and he closed his eyes. She leaned down and kissed him roughly, biting his lip for good measure, before turning and beginning to pull her clothes back on.

“Sorry if I didn’t make it clear before, but I’m not looking for a relationship,” she informed him, buttoning up her black work shirt. “Just wanted some release. Stressed out from school and all.”

“I don’t want anything either. Just some quick bangs sometimes,” he replied, full of relief she felt that way too.

Remelle laughed and looked at him fondly. “I’m glad we’re on the same page. You’re hot.” Rowan snorted and rolled his eyes. Remelle took his face in her hands and pressed her lips to his. “My number is on the condom packet,” she breathed before walking out the car.

Rowan watched her go, the quick satisfaction of their actions leaving quickly, self-loathing sinking in. He was a therapist, for fuck’s sake. He was using the coping mechanisms of his patients, habits he’d said himself were toxic. Yet here he was, using other’s bodies for a quick distraction before his memories came back.

He got dressed, sent Lorcan a quick explanation text, and drove home, the alcohol wearing off. He got home at 1:23 am and didn’t even shower before sinking into his mattress, his unhappiness surrounding him like a cloud.

But one image stayed in his mind as he sank into sleep - a picture of beautiful blue eyes.

#throne of glass #fanfic #sarah j maas #rowaelin

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anxious-witch · 10 months

Note

we still can't send asks from sideblogs? okay then

I just came here to say yes hello hi, I used to not care for soulmate fics and only got into them a year or two ago through a soulmate fic in another band fandom that also ripped my heart right out for many tens of thousands of words, and now here I am, feeling like a crushed bug in a useless class, ready to take a nap on the table or floor at 9:30 because I'd had the Inertia tab open for weeks now but always put it off because it was so long already and I didn't have time for it, and said yesterday night when I already should have gone to sleep "I'll just read the first chapter to get into it and then go to sleep" and idk how much later I have suddenly finished the whole fic and went through the full spectrum of human emotions while Jan slowly learns that maybe maybe he can let Nace in and he can talk to his friends about his soulmate troubles and they'll listen and be there for him even if they might metaphorically whack him over the head and tell him he's being a dick, and he's also going to therapy to work towards a better happier life with his friends and Nace as his friend and his soulmate and his boyfriend 🥰🥰🥰🥰

anyway I love so many things in each chapter, I hope I'll have time during the christmas break to go scream in the comments about each chapter and have my heart crushed and rebuilt in each chapter again ❤✨💖🥰🥺🌈

Apparently so, but dw, I also saw your reblog so I do know who you are 🤗

Funnily enough, I used to have a very similar view on soulmate au few years back, until a really good friend of mine didn't write the most heartbreaking soulmate au ever, and it was the best fanfic I read. After that I became kinda obsessed too, so it's nice to know I am participating in the cycle now 😂

Felt you sm about putting off a fic and then once you pick it up just reading it in one breath. I am honored my fic was one of those for you, that's a huge compliment.

I love writing through characters who go through the transformation, even if they only needed to realize they just need to let people care about them instead of pushing them away. For Jan, in this fic that isn't easy, so I'm really glad that roller-coaster of emotions is something that one can feel while reading.

I appreciate every comment so if you do decide to make them about parts you liked the best, that will definitely make me happy but this comment already means so much. Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know you liked my fic ❤️

#inertia #asks #long post #seriously this made my day

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forthedancingandthethriving · 10 months

Text

Juliano Angst Headcanons

(TW: general themes surrounding death, self-harm, talks of mental instability, breakdowns, and disassociative episodes. Some of what I'm writing is based on things I've either felt or experienced)

Sometimes Juliano feels as though his heart stops beating, and it's a small possibility that it's happened once or twice.

He has extremely bad insomnia due to both intense nightmares and his own refusal to go to sleep. He either naps whenever he can or just microsleeps any chance he gets.

He often lies to Vitality about how bad his pain is. He doesn't think she should be spending her time on him when there's always more important things happening.

Juliano does have therapy sessions from time to time, but he purposely doesn't touch on any of his deeper issues due to his guilt.

He is always hung up on the deaths of everyone he knew and loved. He always beats himself up for going to taunt the monster sent by Cookie and frequently degrades himself for that.

There are times when he has full-on breakdowns because of this. It leads to him locking himself inside of his room as his consciousness screams at him for being an idiot.

He has never intentionally harmed himself, either during a breakdown or not. He fixes himself up afterward, but he always tightens the bandages just too tight.

As mentioned before, Vitality is the only one who knows just how bad Juliano's condition is. His wireframe scars have acted up in front of her several times, and it's gotten her more than worried for when it's more intense.

As much as Juliano appears to be (somewhat) stable on the outside, on the inside, he's an absolute mess. He struggles with keeping up a calm smile.

He has disassociative episodes from time to time. He can typically bring himself out of those, but there have been others that he's needed help being brought out of.

He's found out that he's struggling to remember his old friends and family's faces. It sends him into a spiral whenever he can't remember Mandy in particular.

Whenever he hits a low, he sometimes finds himself wishing that he'll close his eyes and never open them again. But then he reminds himself he has family now, and he can't just leave them like that.

He has far too many sketches of everyone he was close to in his old world. He's stuffed most of them into his closet.

He wishes he could just pull out his code and scream for it to stop messing with him. But he knows he can't.can't.

Sometimes, he'll look at the other Avatars and wonder about what would have happened if he failed. If he wasn't a perfect prototype Avatar. He wonders if they miss their old lives, and if they blame him at all.

Juliano would like to sleep without nightmares or dreams.

#tw death mention #tw self harm #tw mental instability #tw breakdown #tw disassociation #avatar: juliano #!characters headcanons!#!posts!

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hajimeshoe · 2 years

Note

I've had this one on my mind for too damn long!

I see a lot of fem!s/o headcanons where she's defended, but hardly any where she defends herself or likes to play rough!

So I'm asking!

Could you do a Jamil, Leona, The Leech twins, and Kalim with a tall(6'0) fem!s/o who's pretty docile and soft with a smart mouth. *I mean the insulting kind of smart mouth*.

She doesn't know her own strength when she play fights and accidentally hurts people sometimes. She's very kind to others as long as she likes them.

Now, in the event that she is physically provoked into a fight, she wails on her aggressor, and she won't stop until she's satisfied with the damage dealt, or until she's pulled off. And she's strong, so people have a hard time.

How would they calm her down from her anger, and how would they stop the fight?

I- Shiba, I struggled with this one - half of these guys are the “Would murder someone for the slightest misstep” Squad 😃 It honestly was fun to write tho

Leona

You and Leona would be insulting eachother CONSTANTLY. Like, I can picture this as an “on again, off again” relationship

And you two scrap allllll the time - when he’s not half-asleep

So when you’re going ham on this other student

Leona would sit there watching for a bit

You’re his herbivore, he knows you can defend yourself

He'd blame the other person for pissing you off, honestly

And he is wayyy too lazy to get involved

But, as per his culture (Which raises them with a healthy dose of respect women juice) he has to get involved

Now, you may be tall, but so is Leona

So it's not an issue for him to walk over and drag you off, kicking, screaming and insulting him the entire way (Out of all of them, Leona is the only one I can picture having no issues dragging you around)

"Calm down, Herbivore, we're taking a nap"

“No tf we aren’t!! I have a murder to commit! 🤬”

Cue Leona literally wrapping himself around you like a koala to keep you from trying to run back and finish shit - he already has Ruggie using his unique magic to humiliate them for a couple of days

Jamil

He's a babysitter for Kalim, he's a babysitter for his girlfriend - he never does get a moment of peace, does he?

He does love you're smart mouth, and how creative you can get with insults but...

The second he see's you beating the fuck out of this student, he just facepalms and sighs.

"Kalim, stay!"

Left Kalim to make his way toward you

A single mom who works two jobs, who loves his kids and never stops

It doesn't matter if you're taller or not, he'll end this quickly and get you and Kalim both somewhere neither of you can continue to cause issues

He interrogated a random student to figure out what happened. Somebody had insulted you?

When Jamil fails to pull you off, he just gives up and uses magic

Bro literally just grabs your face with one hand (like a disobedient child) and forces you to look in his eyes so he can hypnotize you

And he hypnotized the other person to stay there

Once he has you nice and compliant, he’ll have you walking to Scarabia so he can hole you up in his room

(One week later - You: Jamil, what happened to that student I beat up? Jamil:… Jamil: I should probably drop the hypnosis before they die)

(He has his hands full with you and Kalim, he can’t honestly give a damn about other peoples health 😭)

Kalim

One word: Panic.

Yes, you're taller than him. Yes, you're stronger. He still panics because he doesn't want you getting into fights

It takes him, Jamil and three other students from Scarabia to de-escalate the fight by separating you two

Afterwards, you have an impromptu therapy session complete with cuddles, your favourite movies, snacks, ice cream, chocolate - he is literally rich with no sense of impulse control, you say the word and it's yours

(Baby already had Jamil overblot, he isn't risking it happening to you)

Jade

First things first, you and Jade 100% have competitions where you insult eachother to see who ends up crying first

It's normally him

He'd actually like to see who would win in a fight - you or Floyd

But he knows one or both of you will get carried away and be mortal enemies the rest of your lives if that happens

So when he sees you beating up some guy? He’ll blackmail him jnto admitting what he did wrong later (you may or may not end up with the guy as you new slave)

For now, he recruits Floyd to help him frag you off of they guy and back down to Octavinelle

The trip takes double the amount of time that it should given they’re both over 6foot tall merpeople

But you are deceptively strong for a normally fairly docile person (He and Floyd had to use all of their combined strength and still struggled)

Once he has you safely in Octavinelle, I feel like he’d calm you down by - hear me out, even if you think it’s out of character - letting you take your anger out on him

He’s certain he can take it, and he trusts you won’t do any permanent damage.

He loves you, what can I say?

Will he end up in the infirmary for a week? Yes. Does he care? Definitely. But in his mind, it’s still worth it.

Floyd

He will sit there eating popcorn

Until it starts to bore him

Then he's in a bad mood and just wants to go

His pride? It takes a huge hit when he can't just drag you off by himself and - surprise, surprise - his mood worsens even more

Now he's pissed off and has some pride issues

I’d say watch your back in case he attempts to a) squeeze you to death or b) drown you, but I gotta feeling you’ll be A-O-K

He ends up needing reinforcements to grab you, but who? Some of the poor, poor freshies he’s managed to scare into helping him grab you

How does he calm you down? He tries (Keyword: TRIED) to beat your ass

Now, now, it may seem counterproductive, but hey - it works

You got to beat up two people, and now your boyfriend is in the infirmary in one of the worst moods Jade has seen him in, but you’re calm and that’s all that matters 😌

#twisted wonderland #twst #leona kingscholar #leona kingscholar x reader #twst headcanons #floyd leech #jade leech #floyd leech x reader #jade leech x reader #jamil viper #jamil viper x reader #kalim al asim #kalim x reader

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dragonairice · 2 years

Text

AT THE REQUEST OF @peanut-butter-and-theatre HAVE A BUNCH OF BMC HEADCANONS IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

(Some of these are copypasted from my other posts dw about it)

After bad nights Jeremy naps during the day but ONLY if he's cuddling Michael and he always holds on way too tight to his hoodie and when he wakes up he always apologises to the polar bear at the back for crushing it (He thinks he does it mentally but sometimes it slips out and Michael doesn't say anything even if he thinks it's adorable)

Also!! Jeremy gets extra cuddly after waking up and will sometimes lean on Michael in the mornings

When Michael has a bad day Jeremy literally RUNS to the closest 7/11 (because he doesn't have a car and keeps forgetting he has a bike) and gets all their comfort snacks and then they cuddle under the blankets while a disney movie plays in the background

Jeremy LOVES musicals and belting out whatever song is stuck in his head and Michael loves his voice so sometimes they'll turn the speaker volume up in the cruiser and just SCREAM (Christine is also the cause of this sometimes)

Jeremy wears his earplugs in public but doesn’t actually play any music because he panics about it suddenly playing out loud. (Yes I’m projecting shut up)

Brooke has always wanted to do cheesy friendship things like make friendship bracelets and have sleepovers so when Christine makes her a loom band and Michael invites her over for video games (just the two of them) she almost cries

Rich knows how to skate- at first it was just to be cool but after he nailed an Ollie he’s learned to genuinely enjoy it

Sometimes Rich’s scars feel like they’re burning all over again

Only once Jeremy gets used to a person is he comfortable with physical contact, same with Michael but when Michael gets comfortable it’s difficult to pry him off

Michael realised his feelings for Jeremy in 6th grade

Mr.Heere has always wanted to write a book but he can’t write for shit

Michael is always wearing his headphones during school, sometimes they’re not even plugged in- just on his head. The only times he takes them off are to talk to Jeremy, and later the rest of the squad

Jenna was the first of all of them to actually go to therapy and she convinces Rich to try it out too, she’s set on convincing Jake or Jeremy next

Chloe actually crochets and knits, but after being bullied for her handmade satchel when she was in middle school she decided to switch to designer accessories instead

Chloe loves Heathers the musical - she heard it from Brooke who heard it from Christine and she’s been hooked ever since

Jenna and Jeremy watch Mean Girls together as a comfort movie

Jake moves in with the Heeres after a few months of living in random apartments by himself.

When Christine is upset, Chloe brings her to her garage and gives her buckets of paint and huge canvases she never used and lets Christine go ham with them

Brooke buys Jeremy a space themed binder after he comes out to her

Brooke, Jeremy and Michael are constantly swapping clothes without meaning to, Brooke and Jeremy will mix up cardigans sometimes, Jeremy comes to school in Michael’s hoodies and Michael tends to grab the nearest long sleeved thing from Jeremy’s closet when they’re in a hurry so it’s common for them to be wearing each others clothes

Brooke has a collection of rainbow clips in her hair she always gets from Christine and forgets to return

Both Jeremy and Brooke have a collection of coloured pens, Jake does too but he never uses them

Rich and Michael have a bi-weekly game night (Rich jokes about how the game night is less bi than he is)

Christine calls Jeremy ‘babe’ even after they break up, she just switches to a platonic one

Michael and Jake organised an experiment to see if the Squip was actually back or if Rich and Jeremy just heard the echoes of it by adding red colouring to sprite and telling them it was Mountain Dew Red (it didn’t stop the Squip, and both boys apologised afterwards for lying)

Jeremy once beat up a guy for bullying Michael, he almost broke his wrist doing it but he claims it was worth it

Jake plays most sports in school but the only one he genuinely enjoys is basketball, he also likes being in debate

Rich actually wanted to talk to Jeremy and Michael a few times in freshman year but it seemed like every time he saw them they were having a moment™ and he didn’t want to interrupt (later he found out that they are just LIKE THAT and he totally could have talked to them sooner)

The entire school is convinced that Jake and Rich are secretly dating. They are not actually dating.

Brooke and Michael fake-dated at some point to make them both look straight before going SCREW IT and letting Michael hold his boyfriend's hand in school whether people cared or not

#Be More Chill #BMC the musical #gdhsj idk if this is even coherent it's juts my rambles #Boyf riends #My Post #Headcanons #Jeremy Heere #Michael Mell #Jake Dillinger #Rich Goranski #Brooke Lohst #Christine Canigula #Jenna Rolan #Chloe Valentine #DragonairIce Rambles

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fruitcoops · 3 years

Note

Hey Eve how are you doing I hope you're having a good day. Could you possibly if you want to make a fic like after the disownment fic and there's an interview with Sirius, Remus or (or the lions) on how they felt and there reactions and stuff only if you want to ofc I hope you are having a good day

This isn't a social media fic, but it does include include this prompt and was combined with an ask for Sirius having a hard time in the wake of a breakdown because he was doing so well before. Please pay attention to the TWs and let me know if I missed any. SW credit goes to @lumosinlove <3

TW child abuse (past), angst, past trauma, mentions of going to therapy, and feeling overwhelmed

The studio cameras hadn’t seemed scary in a long, long time. Sirius stared at the white floor, toying with his ring and trying not to run screaming from the building; this is for them, he reminded himself. For everyone like me who never had someone speak up for them. The metal folding chair was cold under him.

“Sirius?” There was no hint of teasing in Marlene’s voice. “Are you ready?”

He had already saved himself and Regulus. Now it was time for the rest of them. “Oui.”

“Rolling in three, two, one…”

“My name is Sirius Black,” he said, channeling all the strength and control he could manage into his voice as he straightened up. “I’m 27 years old, the center and captain for the Gryffindor Lions hockey team, and a Stanley Cup champion.” He took a breath. “And I grew up in an abusive home. Last week, my biological parents officially disowned me for refusing to go back into the closet and under their control. It wasn’t dramatic. There was no media present. There was a lot of paperwork.

“But I’m not here to talk about that.” He swallowed, and felt some of his confidence return. Behind the camera, Marlene gave him an encouraging look with a shine in her eyes. “I’m here to talk to everyone else in my situation and let you know that you’re not alone. You can get out of there, and you can be the freest version of yourself. For the next month, 1/12 of all proceeds from Lions tickets will go to charities supporting abuse survivors and those currently living in abusive situations. My story is not the only one. We can make a difference.”

----------------

Sirius laid on his back on the lobby couch, letting “Radio Gaga” thump in his ears and drown out the tremors in his body. He had never said it publicly before—as far as the rest of the hockey world knew, his family was only rumored to be strict. He had been hesitant to do the video at first despite the tsunami of questions flooding their social media, and it wasn’t until Marlene suggested the charity aspect that he agreed.

Sirius didn’t like press. He liked it even less when it was poking around in his past, and when he had to support it.

The song ended and he paused the music, listening to his own breathing and steady pulse. You’re okay. You’re done. You made it through. He didn’t feel okay.

“—proud of him,” someone was saying inside the studio. Remus. “It was a complicated and painful thing to work through, but he never wavered from what he wanted and what was best for him.”

Six of his other teammates would speak, supporting the charity with a quick mention of their own feelings in case any assholes on the internet got bright ideas about speaking for them and their feelings on Sirius’ disownment. It was insane what people thought they found by digging through interviews.

“Hey, baby.” Sirius opened his eyes; above him, Remus was leaning over the armrest of the couch with a tired smile. He kissed Sirius’ forehead, then his nose, then his lips. “Ready to go home?”

“Don’t we have to stay until the end?”

“Marlene said she had everything she needed from us.”

Sirius blew out a slow breath and stood, wrapping his arms around Remus on instinct. “This feels like it’s going to go badly.”

“I don’t think it will,” Remus said quietly, rubbing up and down his spine. “I think it’s going to help a lot of people, and I hope it means we stop getting nosy comments now that you’ve answered the big questions and made it clear that’s the end.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

They walked to the car in relative silence, hand-in-hand; Remus took the keys without a word, and relief washed over Sirius in a cool breeze. He didn’t feel grounded enough to drive safely. At the moment, he wasn’t sure he ever would. The whole world was hazy outside the passenger window, blurring the city he loved so much into smudges of colors—Remus was a presence next to him, but what Sirius wanted more than anything was some hot chocolate and a long, long nap.

“I don’t feel good,” he said, hardly above a whisper.

Remus glanced at him out of the corner of his eye as he drove. “Do I need to pull over?”

“No, I just…” He sighed. “I thought I would feel better after getting this off my chest and helping people. I feel bad.”

“Can you eat?” He nodded. “I’ll make some soup when we get home if you want to lay down for a bit.”

Sirius’ eyes burned. “Sounds good.”

“Hey, baby, it’s okay,” Remus soothed, reaching one hand down to close around the one Sirius kept on his thigh as Sirius sniffled and shook with the effort of keeping in his tears. “It’s okay. You can call Marlene and ask her not to publish the video. That’s in your rights, you don’t have to—”

“No,” Sirius choked out, wiping his tears away with the back of his wrist. “It has to happen. People have to know that they can help. I—I just—I don’t know how to feel and so everything is happening at once.”

Nobody had taught Sirius how to handle Feelings-with-a-capital-f until Dumo; suddenly, he felt like all that hard work was being undone in one fell swoop. He kept ahold of Remus’ hand and let the tears slide down his cheeks as he breathed through it, keeping both feet firmly planted in some semblance of control. Remus parked the car and turned to him without unbuckling his seatbelt. “Do you want to go inside, or should we drive for a bit?”

“I really want to go to bed.”

“How can I help?” Remus laced their fingers together again and Sirius squeezed his eyes shut. “You really don’t seem alright, love.”

“I’m not, and I don’t know how to fix it.” The words were broken glass in his throat. “I was doing so good. I don’t know how to go back.”

“Oh, baby,” Remus murmured, taking his seatbelt off to kiss Sirius’ temple. “Let’s go inside, yeah? You’ll be more comfortable there.”

Sirius nodded mutely, still pressing his lips together to stifle any sounds that tried to come out. It always seemed like when he started to cry, he couldn’t stop—whether that was a function of never crying for the majority of his life, he didn’t know, but it always felt horrible. No mistakes, his mother had told him. The video felt like a mistake. Still, he knew he couldn’t ask them to take it down. There were people that needed help, and he couldn’t let his childhood hide in the shadows anymore.

Remus turned as if to hug him when the door closed behind them, but Sirius slipped past and headed straight for the stairs. Sweatpants, hoodie, soup, blanket, talk. Talk, talk, talk until you can’t stop. Then sleep. He heard Remus moving around in the kitchen as he stripped down and dug his softest sweatpants out of the drawer, followed by Remus’ most worn-down and oversized Wisconsin hoodie that he always wore when he didn’t feel well. Sirius buried his nose in the neckline and inhaled deeply; the familiar scent soothed the rush of blood in his ears.

He didn’t bother with socks and made a beeline for the couch, wrapping himself in the afghan blanket one of Hope’s friends had crocheted for their wedding. Hope had kept it in the Lupin house so she wouldn’t forget to bring it with her, and it smelled like them, too. It smelled like safety and a happy house and healthy childhoods.

Another tear slipped out when Remus set down some water and the soup—Campbell’s chicken noodle, can’t go wrong—and Sirius curled up against the armrest to make room. “I need to talk to you,” he said. “I need to talk to you.”

The cushions dipped as Remus sat next to him and crossed his legs. “About what?”

“Everything.” His voice broke. “The way I grew up, everything about it. I—Re, I never lied to you, I promise. I just didn’t talk about it because I didn’t want to scare you, but I have to be honest with you.”

“…alright.”

Sirius took a shaky breath; his mouth was dry, and salty at the edges. “My parents—my parents hit me when I wasn’t good enough, and nothing was ever good enough unless I could do it again, and again, and again—”

“Sirius—”

“—and I thought everyone on my team didn’t get dinner if they didn’t get a goal and—”

“Stop—”

“—and Regulus and I, it was like we couldn’t breathe in that house with them scripting every move—”

“Sirius.” Remus’ hand covered his mouth and Sirius closed his eyes as a sob ripped free, but didn’t fight it. “Sirius, stop, please.”

“I have to tell you,” he said hoarsely, trembling from head to toe. “I have to be honest with you.”

“I love you, and I’m glad you can talk to me, but I’m not the person you have to tell.” Remus’ voice was thick with tears. “Being honest with me doesn’t mean telling me every detail, please, please don’t do that.”

“I couldn’t make mistakes,” he blubbered, leaning into Remus. “What kind of fucking freak tells a child they can’t make mistakes?”

Remus shushed him softly, running a hand through the hair at the nape of his neck as he went boneless into Remus’ chest. He could feel the hitching breaths under his face and regret reared up, but he felt so empty. There was so much more he could tell Remus and nothing he could say. “I love you,” Remus began, sniffling slightly. “I love you so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Because I love you, I’m going to tell you that I am not the person you need to tell all this to right now. You should talk to someone who knows how to help, like Heather.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered.

“No, I understand.” A kiss pressed against the top of his head. “And I’m not upset at you. Both our emotions are running really high. I just—this isn’t blaming you or to make you feel bad, but it hurts to hear all the horrible things that happened to you. I already wish I could have stopped it before it happened, but hearing you say it is a lot worse than thinking about it and I wasn’t ready to hear everything.”

“That’s not everything.”

“I know.” Remus’ voice cracked. “I know, and that’s the worst part. This video was a bad idea, I should call—”

“No, no, don’t do that.” Sirius caught his wrist as he reached for the phone. “The video isn’t the problem. It will help people. It’s just hard for me to talk about it without getting overwhelmed.”

Remus hesitated, but left the phone alone and hugged Sirius close again. “I’m here.”

“I know.”

“And I’m not gonna leave.” His chest rose and fell. “But—but if you need to tell me things, not just today, please give me fair warning first.”

“I will,” Sirius promised. They sat quietly for a moment before he sat up and pulled the soup bowl into his lap, letting the steam roll over his face. “Mon dieu, I was doing so good before this. It’s been the best two years and now…”

“Now it’s going to be better,” Remus filled in when he trailed off. A slender hand tucked his hair behind his ear. “It’s going to be better, Sirius. For you, and for lots of other people that you’re helping. But this is the hard part.”

“This is the really, really hard part,” he agreed, taking a sip of broth. It was the perfect temperature. “Thank you.”

“It’s just soup.”

“No, for everything. Everything you’ve done for me.” he rested his head on Remus’ shoulder, then left a lingering kiss on his cheek. “I love you more than I can say.”

A wry smile tilted the side of Remus’ mouth up. “In English or French?”

“Both,” Sirius half-laughed. “Both, I promise. I’m going to finish this, and then can we take a nap?”

“That sounds perfect. Make sure to drink your water, too.”

It would not be an easy evening, or an easy night, or an easy anything when the video came out. But he would work through it, and he would remember what he had learned from his family and his friends to move past the roadblocks his childhood always created. He would call Regulus, they would cry together, and they would be okay. He would be okay.

#sirius black #remus lupin #coops #marlene mckinnon #vaincre #sweater weather #my fic #fanfic #interview #lumosinlove #disownment #child abuse #overwhelmed #hurt/ comfort #angst

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ironhusband · 4 years

Text

Read on AO3

Honestly, Bucky had expected that dating Sam would be easier than this.

With everything that he and Sam had gone through to finally get together, he had wanted everything to be smooth sailing once he finally had Sam. Their perfect happy ending, cut straight from the movies and into their lives. They deserved it.

That wasn’t real life, however.

When Bucky finally had Sam in his arms, there were a myriad of relationship things that Bucky had to learn. He had to get used to all of Sam's quirks and he had the entirety of Sam’s family to win over. He had to learn the way to this obscure place where Sam liked to buy his orange juice and he had to study for days to remember that Sam’s aunt liked orange jewelry. But if Bucky was honest? He didn’t mind that part. He didn’t mind getting to know what Sam was like in a relationship or meeting Sam’s family. That would never be a hardship for him.

What he did mind was that stupid fucking drone.

It all started with Sam and Bucky making out on the couch. This wasn’t unusual in itself; sometimes the news was boring and Sam and Bucky got distracted. Sucking on Sam’s tongue was more interesting than anything else, frankly.

Sam was pressed against the couch by Bucky’s hips, his hands wandering under Bucky’s shirt as Bucky took Sam’s lips between his teeth. Sam removed his hand from Bucky's shirt to run his fingers through Bucky’s hair, causing Bucky to pinch Sam’s waist. Bucky was coming up to change the angle of the kiss and-

When he looked up the drone was staring directly at them.

It took a long time for Bucky to recognize that their home was safe and not, as a reflex, shoot at any sort of intimidating sight and sound. Still, he startled and yelled, “why the fuck is your pet staring at us?!”

Sam looked back at what made Bucky exclaim and smiled at Redwing. “Oh, hi, there, little guy,” he cooed, “enjoying the show?”

“Sam,” Bucky hissed, annoyed at his boyfriend’s reaction, glancing back and forth between the drone and Sam, “he is staring at us."

Sam shrugged, wrapping his arms around Bucky's shoulders, "so?"

Bucky spluttered, exasperated, "He is recording us. How can you be so calm about this? What if he puts this on the internet?”

“He won’t put this on the internet,” Sam rolled his eyes.

“Why not?” Bucky challenged, knowing the real reason. Sam was still insisting it was Redwing who put the footage of him falling through the tree on the internet, and he was determined to make him confess it was his doing (that video got 1000000 likes!).

“Well, first of all,” Sam explained, straightening up, smug grin on, “because no one wants to see you kissing.”

“You want to see me kissing,” Bucky countered.

“My one flaw,” Sam teased, “and two, his camera isn’t on. He just likes flying around sometimes.”

Bucky glanced at the drone, whose cold, robot eyes, peeking just beneath the shell on the drone, stared back at him. “Can’t you make him stop?”

“I wasn’t listening when Stark did the seminar about the AI inside him. Lost the manual too.”

Bucky looked at the drone again, and then quickly turned away while he muttered, “there must be a deactivation code.”

“I sorta don’t want to find it,” Sam confessed, “I like his quirks.”

“But he isn’t supposed to be flying around with his camera off. It isn’t what he was made for.”

“He’s sleepwalking,” Sam said, fondly.

“He’s creepy.”

Sam gasped, “how dare you say that?!”

“Robots shouldn’t sleepwalk!”

“Redwing isn’t a robot! He’s a drone!”

“Same difference!”

“It is so not same difference. Besides, Redwing is better than just a normal robot, he is-”

He and Sam bickered for the rest of the evening and Bucky forgot all about the drone when they moved into the bedroom. But it began like this.

~~~

Bucky woke up to get milk the next morning. Sam usually got up earlier than Bucky, waking to go run. He would accidentally wake Bucky up by kissing his cheek before he went out (running reminded Sam of Steve and sometimes he needed a little reassurance), and then Bucky would burrow into the blankets for half an hour before getting up to eat cereal. Bucky liked the early hours of the day when he had the house to himself and could wake up properly before Sam would get home. Before they moved in together, Bucky had made the mistake of getting up after Sam had already returned from his run, and he didn’t have the brainpower to retort when Sam called him a heathen for pouring his milk before his cereal.

When he got up this morning, the drone was there, staring at him.

Bucky was mid-yawn when he yelped at the flying thing in front of his face.

“Holy fucking shit, man, you nearly gave me a heart attack!” he exclaimed at the drone, clutching at his chest.

“That’s not good,” the imaginary Sam in his head said, looking, amused, at Bucky’s clutching-his-pearls position, “you need to watch your heart at your age.”

The drone didn’t say anything. Bucky rolled his eyes. “What are you looking at?” he challenged.

The drone still didn’t say anything.

Bucky moved cautiously, one leg in front of the other while he watched the drone, “I’m just getting breakfast.”

The drone turned his head towards him with his every moment. The whirring, easier to hear in the quiet morning, gave Bucky chills.

He glanced once at the drone and then once at the refrigerator before deciding to ignore the robot. Even if it was creepy that his camera wasn't on but he could still follow him, what would he do? Shoot him? Sam disarmed the drone every time he was off duty. So Bucky opened the fridge and got out his milk, blocking the drone from his view with the door.

Sam hated it when he did it, but he unscrewed the milk and drank some of it (”we exchange spit regularly, I don’t see the big deal.” “You put it so romantically~”). Cold milk always helped Bucky wake up and he “ahh”ed when he stopped feeling the thirst he always felt when he was just waking up.

He shut the door of the refrigerator, and apparently, Redwing has gotten twenty steps closer.

He screamed at the drone near his face and threw the cap at him.

~~~

Turns out, Redwing’s camera was on and Sam laughed for 20 minutes at the footage.

~~~

The next time it happened, Bucky was coming home from one of his therapy appointments. The BARF sessions were always a pain in the ass (reliving his past wasn’t remotely fun) but Bucky knew he sometimes had to go to them to make sure he wouldn’t go all Winter Soldier again. Anything to keep Sam safe.

Bucky liked to come home and cuddle with his boyfriend (who usually also had an exhausting day of being Captain America) when he got home, but today was different.

A purring Redwing was found in Sam’s lap when he went into the living room.

“Hey!” Sam greeted, seeing unable to give him a welcoming kiss due to the robot in his lap, “how did it go?”

“The usual,” Bucky replied casually. He eyed the drone, “does he usually... do that?”

“Yeah,” Sam nodded, “he noticed I was bummed so he came to cheer me up. Isn’t that right, Red?”

Sam pet Redwing’s red-paint-coated shell and the robot buzzed happily.

“Weird...” Bucky mumbled under his breath and then flopped next to Sam, “why were you bummed?”

“I fucking hate the UN,” Sam announced, “excuse me for not wanting to end up at jail for accidentally scratching some rich dude’s car.”

Bucky kissed Sam’s cheek, “I’m sorry you had a bad day.”

“’ Is okay. We’ll settle it all eventually. Just wish that I didn’t have to do it.”

“No, you don’t,” Bucky pointed out, knowing how much his boyfriend loved being Captain America.

Sam smiled shyly, that smile of his that made Bucky fall head over heels for him, “no, I don’t.”

Bucky kissed Sam’s neck. Sam’s smiles would always get him soft, which meant he had to kiss every inch of him. Sam giggled at Bucky rolling the skin between his lips and he brought a hand to the back of Bucky’s head to caress his nape. Bucky kissed further down his neck, reaching Sam’s collarbone and-

Sam gently pushed him away. Redwing was buzzing irregularly in his lap.

“Hey, there, little fella, don’t be mad,” Sam tried to appease him by stroking him, “Bucky just distracted me for a moment.”

Bucky huffed, disappointed at the interruption. “Not fair,” Bucky grumbled, “I had Sam cuddling dibs.”

“Awww,” Sam teased, his trademark smug grin on his face, “are you jealous?”

Bucky huffed and pushed his shoulder, “no, I’m not jealous. I love you and your weird robot.”

Sam laughed and didn’t retort, resting his head on Bucky’s shoulder as they turned on the TV.

~~~

Bucky did get a little jealous when Sam had to sleep on the couch because he didn't want to disturb Redwing ‘napping’ on his lap. He was still jealous, despite how adorable Sam looked with the blanket around his shoulders and drooling on the backrest of the couch.

~~~

Bucky could have handled hogging Sam or Redwing hovering or wondering if the drone was recording while he and Sam were just being domestic, but he drew the line at forcing him to stay in his apartment.

“Okay, freak,” Bucky announced to the drone, “I’m going shopping. Do you need anything?”

The drone didn’t respond. Bucky pulled the jacket on and stuffed his keys in one of the pockets. The drone followed his movements as he got ready to go outside. “I’m going out now,” Bucky informed him before he turned around to leave the apartment.

The drone was staring right back at his face as he moved towards the door. Bucky didn’t jump this time, long used to how Redwing could sneak up on people. “God, how do you do that? Did Stark figure out teleportation or something?”

The drone flew mute, as always. Bucky sighed and went to open the door but Redwing blocked his hand before he could reach the knob. “Ow! Son of a bitch!” he cursed as his hand crushed against the drone, “what, what’s the matter? I can’t leave my home now?”

The drone didn’t respond.

“You know, most pets beg for their owners to take them outside.”

The drone still didn’t respond.

Bucky sighed, and reached for the door, more gently this time, and managed to successfully open the door.

Bucky cheered triumphantly, “not so tough now, huh?”

The drone didn’t show any sign that he understood but when Bucky tried to exit he blocked his way.

“Seriously?” Bucky huffed. He moved an inch to the left quickly and the drone zoomed towards him. “Seriously?” he complained and tried to move another inch, slower this time. The drone followed his painstakingly slow movements, centimeter for centimeter. “You motherfucker.”

He tried to get through the door from the left side and the right side, but wherever he went, Redwing followed him. “I’m going to walk out of this door like a normal person,” he told Redwing, “I’m not going to limbo under you, or jump over you, or fight you or anything like that, so. Get. Out. Of. My. Way.”

Three minutes later, Bucky found himself on his knees, face to face with the drone, “you know, if Sam didn’t like you so much, I would dismantle you piece by piece.”

~~~

Sam paused at the open doorway, looking at his boyfriend and his drone staring at one another.

“Are you having a staring contest?” Sam quipped, “because that’s our thing.”

“It won’t let me leave,” Bucky complained.

Sam raised an eyebrow, walking through the front door, “it? You used to call him him.” Redwing followed him, softly nudging Sam’s head and asking to be pet.

Bucky threw his hands in the air in frustration, “him is for things who aren’t menaces!”

“That’s not my experience,” Sam joked, petting Redwing as it asked.

Bucky glared at him, “that’s not funny. That drone is the executor of Tony Stark’s will and it is trying to kill me!”

Sam laughed, “don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic?”

“Two days ago, I swear I saw it give me a withering stare while it was on your chest.”

“He’s a drone, Bucky,” Sam emphasized, “they don’t have expressions.”

“Doesn’t stop him from doing all the other human stuff!”

“Bucky,” Sam shook his head, “Redwing likes you.”

Bucky scoffed, “if Redwing was armed, it'd kill me in my sleep.”

“No, he wouldn’t.”

“When’s our next battle? I bet it'll finish the job then!”

“If only I had a schedule of that...”

“That thing drives me crazy!”

“Bucky!” Sam exclaimed, “all those things Redwing does, he does because he likes you.”

Bucky blinked.

“Think about it,” Sam began explaining, “for weeks after you moved in, he hasn’t moved from his spot, but now he has suddenly decided to move?”

“It has decided it can no longer be passive about me anymore?” Bucky suggested.

“Or-” Sam suggested his interpretation, “-he decided he can trust you and he wants to get to know you.”

Bucky peaked at Redwing behind him, “seems unlikely.”

Sam raised his hands, “don’t ask me to explain his bad taste.”

Bucky looked at the drone, “it likes me.”

Sam nodded, “and unfortunately, so do I.”

"It has a weird way of showing it," Bucky pointed out.

Sam grinned, "well, so do you."

~~~

“What do I do?” Bucky whispered to Sam, panicked.

Sam shook his head. "Pet him, you moron," he told him fondly.

The drone has decided to land in his lap. Changing Redwing’s batteries was like feeding a dog, and now Redwing has decided that Bucky deserved affections. Bucky carefully put his hand on top of the drone’s surprisingly warm metal and started rubbing his hand on the shell.

“There you go,” Sam congratulated him and put his head on Bucky’s shoulder, his hand on the drone, joining the petting. He turned on the TV, “what do you want to watch tonight?”

Bucky looked at Sam, at how calm and happy he looked because of Bucky and Redwing getting along. He looked down at the drone steadily purring louder in his lap.

“Yeah,” he thought, “this is a happy ending.”

#sambucky #winterfalcon #sam wilson #Bucky Barnes #redwing #winterfalcon fic #sambucky fic #winter falcon #falcon #winter soilder #captain america #druwrites #bucky barnes x sam wilson #sam wilson x bucky barnes #marvel #MCU #fatws #falcon and the winter solider #userpavi

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goggles-mcgee · 3 years

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Too Late: Gabriel Agreste (commission for miner249er)

Third chapter of @miner249er ‘s commission

Chapter Summary: Gabriel’s thoughts and time at the hospital

Previous Work

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The sterile smell of the air, the beeps of machines and muted conversations were Gabriel Agreste’s new normal and it absolutely killed him. Every move of his body was pain, even blinking seemed to bring him some amount of it, no matter how small. He could hear the TV in his hospital room, he cast it the briefest glance and grimaced when he saw it was the TVi News with Nadja Chamack. At first he paid it no mind but when he heard his name he became more alert. With his good arm he patted around for the remote until he finally felt it and quickly turned up the volume. There was no holding back his growl when he saw Alec Cataldi speaking about the “rumor” of him and Nathalie being Paris’s local villains. His hand twitched with the need to find his phone and call up his lawyers but even he knew how it would look.

Suing Alec Cataldi and TVi Studios off of a rumor? Yeah that would just make things worse. His lawyers had already done so much with making sure that that’s all that stuck was rumors. No one could prove him and Nathalie were Hawkmoth and Mayura but there were so many goddamn “coincidences” that made sure that the rumors would not go away anytime soon. They would haunt him for as long as he lived and that was his fault. He thought akumatizing Marinette Dupain-Cheng was the best thing he had accomplished. In some ways it was, because he just so happened to akumatize Ladybug. He thought he had everything in the bag. Victory had been so close, he could practically taste it on his tongue.

Then she strayed. At first he didn’t notice, it was like every other akuma, she wanted revenge. She said so. So, being a generous person, he allowed her to go after her craved revenge before he asked for the Ladybug and Cat Miraculi. Gabriel never imagined her revenge included him and Nathalie, he had never felt any resentment towards him when they first linked, but then it was like she could shut him out of her mind. Out of her thoughts. Some part of him knew it had to do with all his missing butterflies, but a bigger part was screaming about how close he was to getting what he wanted. They were well and truly blindsided.

The Protector has come in so fast it was almost inhuman, which maybe he should have expected seeing as when he akumatized people he enhanced their abilities while also giving them some kind of power. None of his alarms went off. Nothing suggested danger. Even when Nathalie had gone to check the security cameras and check news coverage to track his akuma, she hadn’t noticed. He certainly couldn’t blame her for what transpired. No, that felt like the universe telling him it was done putting up with his bullshit. Nooroo had always told him that abusing the Miraculous the way he did would come back to him, distantly he would worry about what it meant, he hadn’t expected it to happen so fast.

Marinette Dupain-Cheng was to be his masterpiece. He had always sensed her emotions, her anger, her sadness, they were always so strong and held so much potential. Yet, every time he had sent out an akuma for her, her emotions vanished so he would have to find a new target. It had been so infuriating each and every time, and then a miracle happened. Her emotions seemed to be too big to control this time, of course he knew it most likely had to do with Mlle Rossi since she was doing her damndest to convince him she was a negative influence on his son. Of course he pretended to believe every lie she spouted about the girl, there was no ounce of guilt, he just looked forward to the future akuma.

He regretted it. He regretted it so much. Gabriel frowned when he felt a tear fall, he hated feeling weak, always had. Thankfully no one was in the room to witness the rare moment of weakness. He had only cried in front of one person and that had been Emilie, but even she was guarded when she spoke to him now. Not that he didn’t understand her anger at him and Nathalie, but he wished she would forgive him and just be there for him. He needed his wife. Currently though, she was still mad and disappointed at him. He tried to explain that he did everything for her and their family so they could be happy again, but it had ultimately fallen short.

She hadn’t wanted his “excuses,” and really he could understand, or try to. When she awoke it wasn’t to a welcoming she may have expected if she had ever expected one from the beginning, Emilie came back to police tape all over their house and reporters stalking the front for a story like vultures. They pounced and the rumors grew. His missing wife just so happened to stumble out of their house after he and Nathalie were rushed to the hospital. Of course Emilie heard the rumors, when she felt like talking to him she had come and demanded answers and really, there was no way he could lie to her and he hadn’t ever planned to. Gabriel had just never expected to have to tell his wife he had maybe terrorized Paris and fought against a child, maybe two, one of which was quite possibly their own child.

He thought she would leave him, it terrified him, haunted his every waking moment. That thought hurt worse than everything the Protector did to him in the name of justice. Gabriel didn’t want to think anymore so he decided to just tune into the news once more and hope they were past speaking about him. “We have a video of The Protector going into the Agreste Mansion and after a period of time, leaving. Now we don’t know what happened inside but hours later we had you and your team there at the mansion along with other news stations when M Agreste and his assistant Mlle Nathalie Sancoeur were brought out of the mansion on stretchers. Then not long after, in your words,’ a dazed Mme Agreste was spotted coming out of the house.’ That was after the police search!”

Guess he hoped for too much. He groaned and looked away from the screen and resolved to just stare at his heart monitor. He blamed his private nurses for putting the TV on the news because he had no recollection of changing the channel to the news before he had been given his daily dose of morphine and had taken his small nap. Some small part of him told him they did it on purpose, that they knew what Nadja and Alec were going to be reporting on and put the show on purely to annoy and torture him. Even if his team of lawyers made sure no charges could stick to him or Nathalie, the stink of the allegations and rumors lingered.

He could see it in the way other nurses would speed walk past his room. Could see it in the way his bodyguards would flinch when he would speak to them or ask them to do something when they weren’t guarding his door. It was behind the smiles his doctor would give him during his vitals checks. It was carried in the air of the whispers of those who passed and hoped he didn’t hear them speaking. Some didn’t care if he heard and would loudly speak of his villain side full of contempt and poorly held anger. He saw it in the way the hospital wing counselor, yes each wing had a counselor apparently, would leave a pamphlet about their group therapy. Not just any group therapy, akuma victims, whether it be turned into akumas or directly targeted by akumas, you were encouraged to join. Since he and Nathalie were “for some odd reason” targeted by the Protector even when they said it was a random attack not done by the akuma, they were heavily encouraged to join in. Even if it meant they had to be wheeled in on wheelchairs.

Gabriel did not need that. He absolutely did not. There was no way he was going to sit in a room full of people he had akumatized and listen to how he ruined their lives. He had an imagination, he had a pretty good idea how royally he screwed up. Though he hadn’t known it at first, he hadn’t even thought of it when Nathalie and him were on their way to the hospital. Pain wasn’t on his mind, no, it was anger. He had been furious that his plan had backfired so spectacularly, and he immediately started planning on revenge. There was no realization, there was no sympathy, not until he heard the news. When the police had been investigating his house for any signs of the “intruder” Emilie had stumbled out from the “basement.”

It was then and only then that Gabriel realized what he had done. Everything he had done, terrorizing-because really, that is what he did-Paris, made everyone live in a constant state of emotional staleness that was now exploding in uncontrolled fits of tears and yelling, and what for? Absolutely nothing. Emilie hadn’t needed him to go on some crazed vengeful mission like he had believed. There was no need for him to don the Butterfly Brooch and be the “madman” everyone knew as Hawkmoth. The name they still whispered about whether consciously or subconsciously when having a breakdown or feeling even the slightest bit upset. There was no need for him to involve Nathalie and make her wear the very same damaged Miraculous that he believed had taken his wife from him. Yet he did. His assistant, no, his dear friend was paying that price now because of him.

Nathalie. He hadn’t even seen her since their admittance into the hospital. Of course he asked how she was doing but doctors were vague and nurses were worse because they would change the subject or stay quiet and you knew. You knew the person you asked about wasn’t doing as well as you had hoped. Distantly he knew what he was doing to everyone in Paris, he somewhat acknowledged the damage he had done but nothing prepared him for the guilt that ate at him for what had happened to Nathalie. It would seem as though Emilie held some ill will towards him because of it as well. When she came and he asked how she was doing, his wife would only respond with, “How do you think Gabriel?” and nothing else. Gabriel desperately wanted to know but it was like everyone in the hospital made some odd pact to never inform him and it was driving him mad. He had just wanted his wife back. His old life back.

Now he had a wife back who, while still staying with him was determined to show him how wrong he had been. Gabriel didn’t know what part of everything she was more mad at (maybe it was the emotionally distancing himself from their only child and leaving said child to fend for himself in a social world that he knew nothing about) but he would do anything to make her happy. Though she was not letting him in, she was there physically but she had closed herself off emotionally at the moment and really, could Gabriel blame her? No but that didn’t make the heartache hurt any less when she wouldn’t smile at him, when she would only come for an hour or two at most instead of the full visiting hours like she once did when he had been in a car crash when they first married. She had visited everyday and had snuck in his favorite snacks because she knew he hated the hospital food.

When she visited she brought him pastries from Tom & Sabine’s and every time it was like more salt added to his wounds. Like she was doing it on purpose to punish him in her own little ways. Emilie would still sit by his side and hold his hand, but her smile was fake, it was fake coming in and it was fake leaving, and the hand around his heart would grip harder the more he saw it. She would of course be visiting today and though Gabriel always loved to see her, he didn’t know if he could handle her emotionless smiles. Not when his pain was throbbing both physically and emotionally. Usually he could ignore the looks, the whispers, and just about everything else, but today he felt unnaturally raw.

“Oh you’re awake. Good afternoon.” That was Emilie’s voice.

Gabriel turned and saw her standing in the doorway. “Hello Love.” He winced at how hoarse his voice sounded.

Immediately Emilie went to his side table and poured him a cup of water which he gratefully took. “You always seem so surprised when I come. I come everyday Gabriel.”

“Well...It’s just you don’t seem like you want to be here is all. Not that I can blame you but…”

Quiet. He hated when she was quiet. Then she sighed. “It’s not that I don’t Gabriel. I’m just...I’m just so mad. I’m mad that you’re hurt, but I know it’s your fault that you’re hurt in the first place. I’m mad that it’s your fault! I’m mad that you left our son emotionally. I’m mad you got Nathalie involved! But I don’t want to be mad Gabriel. It feels bad to be mad right now because I know you’re in pain. But I also know you. And I know you’re not completely sorry about what you’ve done.”

“Emilie! I am sorry, I really am!” He cried.

“I need more convincing than you just saying it. I’ve been thinking about it and I want you to go to that akuma therapy they have here. Then...and only then do I think we can begin to heal.” She said with such finality that Gabriel had to swallow. It was absolutely the last thing he wanted to do, but he knew Emilie wouldn’t budge, all he could do was nod.

“Thank you,” she murmured, “I know it won’t be easy, but I think this will be good for you, for us.”

“You might be the only one who thinks so.”

“Adrien thinks so too.”

“You’ve spoken to him?” Gabriel asked, and maybe it was a bit desperate but his son hadn’t visited him once.

“Yes. He’s not ready to see you yet…” Emilie admitted as she looked down at her hands. “He barely started visiting Nathalie.”

He had visited Nathalie!? But not him. Not his father. No he couldn’t be mad at him, not after everything he put his son through, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t hurt. That didn’t mean he wasn’t blinking back tears. His own son didn’t want to see him. God, what did that say about him? About everything? Nothing good if he put thought into it so he resolved to do the opposite and just avoid the thoughts until they took him by surprise. If he thought Emilie’s anger was bad, he could only imagine Adrien’s, he had never seen his son mad. He had never allowed him the pleasure of emotions before, and seeing how everyone’s little emotions resulted in meltdowns, he feared what his son’s repressed emotions would look like.

And really Adrien had a lot to be angry about. Number 1 being that he was Chat Noir, part of Paris’s dynamic superhero duo, and his father was Hawkmoth the villain he was fighting and had to stop. Yeah, there was much to be mad about. “How is he?” He settled on asking.

“I’m not going to lie to you Gabriel, he’s not okay. Our baby is hurting,” the because of you was implied but unsaid, “his friend is still missing, his friends are all having mental episodes over some Lila girl and everything that has gone down, and he is still having to deal with the fact that people talk. Plus I mean it’s not everyday you find out your dad is a supervillain, one you were supposedly fighting.”

He couldn’t hold back the wince. “Do you think he’ll ever forgive me?”

“Honestly? I don’t know Honey,” even though his heart sang at the term of endearment it also broke a bit, “I want to say yes, but I just don’t know.”

“We’ll just have to see I suppose. You should go check on Nathalie, Dear. I am feeling tired,” it was a lie, or was it? He was exhausted but whether that be because of his body being in pain or because his emotions were everywhere was anyone’s guess. “I’ll see you tomorrow though yes?”

“Yes. Yes of course. I’ll bring some Eiffel Apple Bon Bons, I know you probably haven’t had any in a while.” She still remembered his favorite candies.

“That would be lovely, thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too Gabriel. We’ll...We’ll get through this.” Will we? He watched as she walked out and even after that just stared at the door. He was really going to go to that akuma therapy...for the first time in a long time, Gabriel was scared. Scared if everyone would whisper or would they make the animosity toward him known? But the thing he was the most terrified of? He was terrified of what he would hear there in the group therapy. He didn’t know if he would be strong enough to listen.

The TV ripped him from his thoughts and he almost gave it thanks. “I don’t think I have to remind everyone just what Hawkmoth has done to this great city, to its people. From babies to the elderly, from the smallest of things to the most emotional moments of our lives, they have all been prey to him. One has to wonder if he had a heart at all. And if he did, I have to ask, was it worth it? Was it worth it Hawkmoth? This has been Alec Cataldi.”

“And Nadja Chamack.”

“And we are signing off, see you next time Paris.” The two hosts said in unison.

Almost.

#miraculous ladybug #miraculous tales of ladybug and chat noir #ml salt #gabriel agreste #emilie agreste #nathalie sancoeur #nadja chamack #alec cataldi #gabriel agreste salt #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #angsty thoughts for Gabriel #revolt of the akuma #goggles commission #gabriel has to face consequences like an adult #and he no likey

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