#she’s fucking scum so I really don’t need to anyway

[jewishbarbies]

I love how I can literally post about anything as much as I want and no one gives a shit but the second I answer “too many” asks in a row about ts then I’m “spending so much time and energy” and it’s “obsessive”. at least y’all are consistent, i guess.

[silkythewriter]

Angel on fire

Warnings!: Angst(?), love triangle!, sorry for any grammar or spelling errors! (part 2)

Fandom!: Hazbin hotel!

Author note!: WOWZA HELLO I DIDNT THINK PEOPLE WOULD LIKE THE 1ST ONE SO MUCH?! TYSM FOR TGE SUPPORT I HOPE YOU ENJOY!

Summary!: “you are as beautiful as the moon my dear.” He said with the sweeting smile you adored. “And your as deadly as the sun I fear, my love” you answered oh so bitter-fully.

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“Cause those are my words, not yours

As far as I'm concerned, it could've been a lot worse

I wasn't trying to avoid the confrontation

She isn't crying, she's just making conversation”

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“Look.. Adam-“ you said desperately before being cut off “no fucking way!” He chuckled “your actually side-ing with those shit bags?!” He said looking at you. You only glared at him, before huffing softly “watch your language…” You said with a with a small frown. Making his eyebrows crunch together as he closed his eyes with a huff. “For fuck sake do you know what those.. scums even did to end up there!” He said angrily. You steady your breath, with him you had too, you knew how he was but you just had too keep poking at him. Or get something other then a no, If you did you were sure to lose your mind.

“Adam, Just listen!, I think this could benefit heaven as well! More extra time means more time to do what you want. Wouldn’t you like that?” You tried reasoning as you cupped his hands in yours only for him to push it away. “Don’t test me Y/n, this is my job.” He spat out, making you wince. “Why are you pushing on this so hard anyways!, you have all you could want here. You barely have to lift a finger why are you so concerned for them?” He said crossing his arms. “They were humans once Adam, just like you, just like me. We’re no different, they just messed up once and we’re sent to an eternal furnace with no escape!” You said holding your hands to your chest. “Please! I’m nothing like them, I was the first fucking human soul in heaven, no one compares to me.” He laughed out. “So what does that mean about me?” You said with furrowed brows. He sighed heavily before speaking “Angel, listen to your self, your the only other person I really give a shit about. Well other then lute I guess” he shrugged as he rested his arm on the arm rest and laid his head in his palm boredly. “Look don’t worry your little gorgeous self about a thing. This ain’t your field!” He laughed.

You had patience, and you had tolerance. But his disrespect set you off. But you knew in your head that fighting someone like himself wouldn’t end well. You already had more leeway then most due to your, well close relationship with Adam. But you had to keep trying, after all angels don’t break promises.

With a heavy sigh you bowed before excusing your self. Which he quickly called out to you in confusion. But you only kept walking to your room, you were a patient one, but dealing with him proves to be a handful. You needed to think of a way to at least push it back one more month.

Just one more month

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“What’s good cherry pimp” Angel dust asked as he threw himself on the couch sluggishly. “All day you’ve been hummin’ and tappin’ what’s on your mind?” He asked as he quirked an eyebrow up as he put his gaze on Alastor. Alastor smile only grew, his mind filled with your intoxicating self. To him you very much everything, from the first day he was damned, till now all his mind was filled was you. But now more then ever, seeing you after all these decades was a shot of electricity to his very dead heart. You hadn’t change a bit since the last time he laid eyes on you. You were still angelic as ever.

Again he was swept up in his mind but quickly flicked back to reality, swaying softly as he hummed. “Oh nothing, my dear friend, old acquaintances I have recently seen after some time!” He said in his usual radio voice. “Yea I’m surprised anyone would be friends with you. Not to be rude or nothin’ but your fuckin’ creepy pal” angel said as he laughed  as he waved his hands. Alastor only smirked in amusement as he took his leave. 

He should have known someone of the likes of you would end up where most wouldn’t. He wasn’t an ounce surprised. But he wanted you back, and he was going to take what he wanted. He didn’t frankly care if you’d belong to the sky,

You were his angel first. And he’d rid those little wings of yours if it meant you were to never fly Away from him.

Not this time, not again

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You tiredly tapped your finger over the dinner table. Mind still racing with ideas, it was a cycle, coming up with something, but ultimately crossing it off the thinking board. Adam paid no mind for awhile as he chatted Away with Lute. Which was eyeing you suspiciously. And once Adam went back to his meal she quickly cleared her throat as she straighten her stance next to Adam “Miss Y/n, you haven’t touched your food.” She stated bluntly. Which made you snap out of thought as you turned you attention to her “I’m afraid I don’t have an appetite today” you said softly pushing the plate stacked with food away form you.

“Are you really still hung up on that stupid shit little miss princess of hell proposed?” He scoffed. Causing you to huff, “I’ll be taking my leave.” You said plainly but as nicely as you could as you backed you seat from the table and stood up causing him to grunt. “Look angel, if I think about pushing the damn extermination back would you drop this?” He said making you quickly turn to him with a smile and nod. “There’s that smile, now sit down and eat I’m tired of thinking of all of this” he said as you agreed taking a seat.

Lute was appalled at how… how quick it was was all agreed. How could he just push it back so easily? Even if it was just him “thinking” about it. And for no reason other then you?, all though Adam was to In-grossed in his own things to question such things. She did not and quickly grew suspicious, you out of all people should be less worried. You have everything in a silver platter yet you still seem to have such a worry in matters that weren’t concerning you in the first place.

You could feel her eyes staring you down. But her suspicions were very much valid even if unfortunate to your case. You’d have to be more careful, if she caught on, she’d be quick to make Adam question aswell.

You cursed yourself slightly but still happy non the less. Even if you got Adam to consider the possibility of pushing the date back was still a progress!.

You were sure to tell Charlie soon, although you’d have to wait till lutes suspicions and stares would die down so you could slip away.

Your patience were never ending, but oh how much you longed for the man you’ve last seen years ago.

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TYSM FOR READING AH I LOVED WRITING THIS AGAIN TYSM FOR THE LOVE ON NY LAST POST, ILL BE SURE TO WORK ON SOEM REQUEST BUT PLEASE BE ASSURED PART 3 WILL BE POSTED AFTER I DO SOME REQUEST. ٩(ᐛ)و

[wonysugar]

if you insist | jang wonyoung

synopsis: jang wonyoung, the biggest fuckgirl on campus, asks you, y/n l/n, an honors student, to study together after classes

pairing: scum!wonyoung x goodgirl!femreader

genres: college au, smut with plot lowkey and tbh that’s it help

tags: g!p wonyoung, college au, wonyoung is a fuckgirl, reader doesn’t know wonyoung has a dick, facefucking, cowgirl, wonyoung doesn’t care how reader feels in the beginning, wony is insufferable in this (sorry it must be said), some texting, reader and wony are both vers switches

warnings: none? just be mindful that wy kinda sucks at first but then we grow to enjoy her me thinks! (and she also has a dick so that’s that)

word count: 3.3k

a/n: i wasn’t originally gonna make her have a g!p but inspiration struck me and i just had to. also, sorry for taking so long with this!! i truly hope you enjoy it<3

“so, any questions?”

that sentence alone wakes basically most of the class up from their deep sleep, this is one of - if not the - most boring class in your program. every session of his is a literal snoozefest, you hadn’t slept well last night so this would’ve been your chance.

but you still managed to stay awake, you needed to ace this next test, keeping a streak of good grades is your main source of dopamine, so failing it was out of the question. well, it’s not like you failed any of them, anyway.

the class comes to an end and the students all pack their stuff to leave. as you put your books away, jang… wonyoung walks up to you? ‘what the hell does she want?’ you think to yourself. she leans on the desk and runs a hand through her long straight dark hair, her other hand inside of her gray hoodie’s pocket. you look at her up and down, then finally set your eyes on hers.

“what do you want?” you annoyingly ask her, grabbing your bag and jacket, her being the only thing holding you back from leaving.

“why so uptight, girl?” she grins, looking back at her friends as they laugh at this whole interaction. her friend group was a bunch of ugly frat guys, you weren’t surprised she associated herself with them though, she’s the exact same (just, much hotter). “i was just gonna ask you if you were busy later, baby.” not-so-subtly eyeing your every curve, even slightly tilting her head to catch a better glimpse of your ass, cheekily smiling.

you roll your eyes at the girl, “i don’t want to fuck you, wonyoung. now, if you’ll excuse me-“

then, she leans in, her taller figure towering over you and stopping you from moving forward, your heart skips a beat, despite you not really wanting it to, “who even mentioned sex, y/n? oh you totally picture me naked.” she smirks, peaking glances at your lips.

“get to the point. what do you really want?” you coldly respond, trying to not pay too much attention to her literally staring you down.

she backs up from you, chuckling as she readjusts her already good looking hair. “chill shawtyy, it was a jokee.” you glare, “anyways, i was just wondering if you wanted to study together later, back at your dorm? i barely listened in class, i’d like to actually understand the lecture this time.”

study together? actually understanding the lecture?? since when did this girl ever care about studies?

“oh, so now you’re trying to get good grades, jang wonyoung?” you say with a scoff, earning a playful smile from her in response.

“i guess that seeing you work so hard motivates me, l/n y/n.”

i mean, what could go wrong? if she’s really trying to improve her grades, then who were you to stop that? that would just be wrong of you. plus, it doesn’t look like she’s lying, either. you notice the hopeful look in her eyes, is she waiting for you to accept? you chuckled,

“i’ll think about it.” you say as you walk past her. then, making you jump, she slaps your ass before putting her hood on and jogging over to her friends, earning a high five from one of them as they all laugh. she looks over to you and winks, “see you later, mama.”

you can’t lie, that pet name sent a chill down your spine and you unfortunately couldn’t tell if it was a good one or not. could it even be considered a pet name? anywho, you walk to your next class, excited to see what the rest of the day brings you. and you kinda wish it involved wonyoung, because despite denying it, you did find her very attractive.

you’ll just have to wait and see.

-

after getting wonyoung’s number from your very ‘popular on campus’ friend, huh yunjin, you’re hesitant to text her. i mean, it’s not like your life right now is all that interesting to begin with, so maybe flirting with a fuckgirl is gonna help you kill your boredom.

smiling to yourself, satisfied with your decision, you grab your phone and type a quick message as you make your way to the exit. after saving her contact, you’re about to set your phone back in your pocket, and you get a notification.

she already responded? you open your phone and type out your next responses as you see her messages.

what?

and she just leaves you on delivered after that? what the fuck is wrong with her.. and what the fuck is wrong with you, why are you getting butterflies?? this is anything BUT cute. the typos? the winky face?? god you can literally visualize her smirk just from reading her messages. despite all of that, you giggle to yourself, but then quickly mentally beat yourself up for it. she’s just joking, is what you thought. you type out your dorm number and put your phone back in your pocket.

you get in your car then drive to your shared apartment. upon arriving, you immediately start rearranging the place. i mean, it’s not like she would care about your dorm looking pretty anyway, since hers probably doesn’t look any better. you’re doing this for your own self, you told yourself. thank god your roommate wasn’t home that day, you’d have a lot of explaining to do.

hours quickly went by as you cleaned up everything, you turn on your phone, reading the clock, 5:54 pm.

she’ll be here soon. you mentally prepare yourself, putting on different, more comfy-looking clothes, then proceed to sit on your couch. bouncing your leg up and down as you await the ringing of your doorbell, looking at the progressing time on your hanging clock. ‘why am i freaking out over this?’, you think to yourself. it’s not like you’re meeting a date, plus she’s probably gonna be late. reassuring yourself, you come to the conclusion that it’s because you haven’t received someone over in so long. of course you’d be exci-

ding dong!

quickly, you rush to your door and open it, finding the taller girl, wonyoung, leaning against the door frame. well, she’s surprisingly here on time. she’s wearing a backwards cap, a black zip up jacket over a white oversized t-shirt and some gray sweatpants.

you weren’t expecting anything grand coming from her, so the look doesn’t faze you.

she smirks at you eyeing her outfit, “did you miss me, bae?”, making you sigh as you roll your eyes, stepping aside to let her in.

“you’re on time, that’s surprising.” you say in a condescending tone. in response, she chuckles, taking off her jordan’s, “how could i keep you waiting?”

she steps foot into your house, observing everything, but only for a quick moment.

“damn, you keep this place neat though huh?” right as you were about to brag about being a very organized person, unlike her, she quickly cuts you off, “yeah sooo…. where your room at?”

you give her a look of disbelief.

“god, y/n, it’s so that we can study properly. who the fuck studies in the living room?” you process that for a moment and look away from her in slight shame, she probably didn’t even mean it like that. then, as you’re about to apologize,

“that text i sent you is still on your mind, hm? you’re cute.” she says, chuckling as she’s grabbing your waist, gently pushing you against one of your hallway’s walls. you unintentionally gulp, looking into her eyes, then at her lips.

“you want me to, don’t you? you want me to fuck your brains out?” leaning into you, she whispers against your ear. you can feel her hot breath on it, making you shiver. but instead of actually doing anything, she quickly steps away from you, a smirk plastered on her face.

what the fuck.

“no but seriously, where’s your room shawty?” she nonchalantly asks, as if she wasn’t all up on you not even 5 seconds ago?? god, what is with this girl? you just blink at her in complete disbelief and confusion, then lead her to your room.

-

“so that explains why that phrase could be interpreted as a lot of different things. does that make sense?” you ask her, her gaze instantly meeting yours, like she wasn’t looking at the book. was she even listening?

“…what are you looking at.” you coldly add.

“sorry, i wasn’t listening.” she smirks, still looking at you, eyes darting back and forth between your lips and eyes. you scoff, mumbling an annoyed i know as you close the book in question, sitting up. you’ve had enough, she’s driving you insane.

“look, if you’re just here to sit around and do nothing you might as well just leave. i mean, you’re not even paying attention nor are you fucking me right now, so this just seems like a waste of time.” you snap at her. in response, her eyes widen, she definitely wasn’t expecting you to be so blunt. she then grins.

“which one are you waiting for me to do?” she smirks, getting closer to you.

frustrated at yourself for even wanting wonyoung to do you in the first place, an annoyed “fuck you.” was all that could come out of your mouth.

“i mean, if you insist.” she smirks, and places her lips onto yours, forcefully and roughly. quickly, she brushes her tongue along your lips, asking for entrance. you part your lips, allowing her tongue to roam around your mouth. before you could even realize, she was on top of you, her jacket and cap off and her hard on pressing on your stomach.

wait. her.. hard on???

you quickly push her away in surprise. she looked at you, a confused look painted on her face. “what?” she asks you.

“y-you. you have a dick??” you hesitantly ask her back. it’s not that you were against it, quite the opposite, even. but, it just caught you by surprise. since when did she… okay, dumb question.

she scoffs in amusement, “I thought everyone knew that? why do you think straight girls like me so much?”

ugh, nevermind, she was so much hotter when she wasn’t talking. before you could say anything else, though,

“you wanna see it, y/n?”

you reluctantly nod, earning a sly smile from her. quickly, she grabs the waistband of her not-so-boner-proof sweatpants and pulls it down, revealing black calvin klein boxers, her cock poking through.

“take it off.” she basically orders you, making you glare at her. you didn’t like listening to anything wonyoung said, but saying you were horny would be an understatement and you didn’t feel like stalling. you pull the boxers down, making her throbbing dick bounce up at you before sitting up.

dear god, it was big. you couldn’t exactly blame the girls who begged to fuck her anymore, cause if you knew it was that huge before, you would have thought about it a lot more. it’s girthy and veiny while being slightly above average size. it’s weirdly pretty for being used to fuck a bunch of girls, you keep that to yourself, though. you don’t wanna inflate her already huge ego.

before she could say anything arrogant about her size, you put the head in your mouth, slowly circling your tongue around the tip. quickly, you work towards taking the entire length as she groans and throws her head back. suddenly, though, as you’re still sucking, she unexpectedly grabs your head and forces her cock all the way down your throat, earning a gag from you and a moan from her.

“you were going too slow.” she specified, groaning and relentlessly fucking your throat. you would never admit it outloud, but you loved the way she was roughly pulling on your hair, using your mouth to get off. it hurt your ego, your pride, being used by a fuckgirl like this, being used by wonyoung like this. it was degrading, but you still loved it.

you keep letting her handle you like this for a long while, working your tongue on her tip and shaft in the process of her moving your head up and down her cock. hair all on your face, you didn’t even bother tying it, you liked it messy, and she apparently did too. her moans and groans getting higher and shorter, her grip getting tighter, you can only assume that she’s getting closer to finishing.

“fuck baby.. you’re gonna be good and swallow it all, okay?” she said, still using your throat. soon enough, she lets out a long moan and you quickly feel her dick slightly throb, spurting out a warm and thick liquid everywhere in your mouth, it was bitter and salty. you pull away and she looks at you, smirking and expecting you to swallow, which you don’t wanna give her the satisfaction of seeing. you wanted to see how far she would go, what she would do to you.

when she sees that you’re not doing what she asked, “come on, swallow it, you bitch.” she tells you, grabbing your jaw and smiling at you in a mocking way. you probably look like a huge whore to her right now, cum slightly spilling out of your mouth and everything. you glare at wonyoung and swallow all of it like she asked earlier, all of her semen, keeping eye contact. in response to that, she chuckles and grabs your cheek, patting it. “atta girl, you’re hotter when you do what you’re told.”

you roll your eyes as she chuckles and push her back on the bed, eyeing her still very hard dick. in a swift motion, you take off your jeans and panties, hovering over her. then, you sit down on it, slowly taking in all the length.

“you a virgin?” she asks you, holding onto your waist.

“no, why? you think i don’t know how to ride di-“

she grips on your waist and unexpectedly pushes you down onto her cock, making you accidentally let out a loud noise, a mix between a moan and a yelp. it was painful being penetrated so fast, especially by something so big but the sensation was also.. amazing. before you could have the chance to ask her to go slowly, though, she’s already pumping in and out, increasing her speed progressively. okay, now, it hurts.

“can you go slower for - mmh - f-fuck’s sake..”

“no? you take things too fucking slowly, i’m here to cum, not fall asleep.” she grunts, still lifting you up and down her cock, using you like she would a fleshlight. you notice that she gets a lot more annoying during sex, meaner, even. and you hate to admit it, but you’ve also noticed that you seem to enjoy it a lot.

“fuuuck babygirl, you’re so tight.” she mumbles as she presses her thumb onto your exposed clit and plays with it, earning a whimper from you. you feel your walls clench around her as you roughly bounce on her, taking in all of her length.

she’s fucking you so roughly, magically hitting all of the right spots, as if she knows exactly where they are. you couldn’t help but let out the lewdest most shameless noises known to man, it feels too good not to. she definitely didn’t use her mouth for much, but god did she know how to use her cock.

after a while of you bouncing up and down on her, you already feel like you could cum, despite trying your hardest to keep it in, to enjoy it a little longer. a knot was starting to form in your lower stomach, fuck, you were so close, and the fact that she was fucking you so roughly nonstop was making it so hard to keep it contained.

“fuck y/n i’m about to cum again..” she whimpers out needily, once again tightly holding onto your waist. you can’t let her though, not yet. you grab her wrists and pin them above her head, preventing her from touching you. a confused but very aroused expression plastered on her face.

“you can wait a little longer, right?” you ask, but in a tone that basically makes it seem like an order. she glares at you, gaze full of lust yet worry. you could tell she liked the sense of being in control, and that she felt vulnerable in this state. she usually was doing the fucking, not whatever this is. and she was even more frustrated that she liked it.

she moaned, chest heaving up and down from the effort she’s putting in to not climaxing, especially inside of you. you ride her dick, changing the speed to your liking. sometimes moving painfully slow, making her sensitive tip throb at the sensation, other times riding it like there was no tomorrow, she felt it everywhere, your slick running up and down her entire shaft in a fast motion. “c-can i cum yet? you’re being so - fuck - annoying.” she messily asks you, the feeling of you bouncing on her making her stumble over her words.

“maybe i’d let you if you weren’t so goddamn impatient.” you say, moaning out the words.

you were making it so hard for her, she actually thought she would pass out. thankfully for her, though, you quickly get closer to finishing, the noises coming out of your mouth getting louder and higher. then, you feel yourself clench around her length.

seeing you like this, hearing you call out her name as you came all over her cock, it all just made her arousal grow even more. she really couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“y/n please get off i need to cum ineedtocu-“

“cum inside of me.” you interrupted, you were still coming down from your high and you needed her to fill you up. you were on the pill, but she didn’t need to know that yet. you wanted to see how far she would actually go. “w-what? are you fucking crazy what if i get you pre-“ you cut her off by lifting yourself up on her cock, then back down, earning a cute moan from her.

“fill me up, wony. do it.”

upon hearing those words, the nickname, her eyes widen and she bites her bottom lip, throwing her head back as she pants from all the different feelings she felt. she would’ve actually thought about it more if she wasn’t horny out of her mind at the moment.

a mind blanking orgasm hits her, and you can feel the familiar feeling of her warm thick juices filling up your cunt again as you both moan in unison. she rambles out fucks and oh my gods as she takes it all in. watching her become such a mess just because of you.. if you weren’t so tired, that would’ve definitely made you wanna fuck her again. poor baby has probably never even been edged by a girl before.

you watched her as she came down from her high, head still thrown back as she’s panting and heaving. then, she lifts it back up to look at you, smiling shyly. was this the same wonyoung you knew? because if yes, she got significantly cuter.

you laid down on her, resting your head in the crook of her neck. you didn’t even bother pulling her dick out of you, it felt comfortable, and honestly? you were way too lazy to.

“so, are you gonna be telling this to your friends?” you jokingly ask her.

“they’d never let me live it down if they knew you got me begging for you, girl.. so, no.” she confessed, making you giggle.

“also shawty, if you do get pregnant, just be aware that i will not be taking care of the baby.” she adds.

you hum, “you’ll still fuck me whenever you feel like it though, right?”

she chuckles in response, “i mean..

if you insist.”

[babydipper]

“Hey, you!”

At first, Jason doesn’t turn. What are the chances that someone in the Crime Alley is calling out to him? Okay, fair, rather big, but usually it contains more slurs/threats and at least, his name, so he is fairly sure whoever is screaming their lungs out is doing just that.

“Hey, on the staircase, I am talking to you! It will take just a minute, I promise.”

Or maybe they are not. Finally, Jason turns to look down at his newest headache, swinging his feet. He hasn't got any chances to beat the shit out of anyone yet, so he dare says that this might be his one and not only occasion.

The person, a girl, if Jason was to take a guess, is standing under the fire escape, looking directly at him with her arms crossed. She doesn't seem particularly dangerous, but she also doesn't look particularly scared of him and it's Gotham and looks can be deceiving, so Jason stays where he's sitting and waits for the next developments. Maybe she will be his punching bag, after all.

“What's your name?” she shouts to him again. Well, it makes sense now that she doesn't look moved by him. She must be some fucked up college tourist if a backpack and her clothes tell him anything.

“Red Hood,” he decides to humour her because fuck him if that's not more entertaining than waiting for some dickheads to show up. A nice escape from getting rid of scum. Or a prologue to doing so.

He can't see that well from his beam, but she must roll her eyes before going, “Your real name. Don't you happen to be Todd maybe?”

Jason freezes for a millisecond, and then, “No.”

“The fuck you lying about?” she says, then covers her mouth right after, startled by herself, which is amusing. She has a weird accent, something from outside the state. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to. This is the longest week of my life, trust me, it means something, and I just really need to find this Todd guy and the only lead on him was you, apparently. I was told you are good at finding people, so if you are not Todd, please tell me you know something because, frankly, I will lose my mind soon.”

He jumps down in front of her, but she doesn’t even flinch. She’s tall, but not Jason-tall and from up close he can see deep bags under her eyes. “Sorry,” he says, “can’t do, can’t help. There’s probably a thousand guys named Todd in Gotham.”

“More. I checked.”

Jason raises his eyebrows under the mask. She is unbelievable. And slightly delusional. And desperate. A deadly combination in Gotham, truly. “Why are you looking for him anyway?”

“I owe him a favour.”

“You owe a favour to someone you don’t know?”

“Yes,” she doesn’t falter.

“Look, you are not from here, so I will go easy on you. I am Red Hood. I am a crime lord, not an errand boy. I don’t know shit about this Todd of yours, so admit your defeat and get back to whatever hole you’ve crawled from.”

“Sorry, can’t do,” she deadpans, parroting him. The look she gives him tells him she couldn’t even if she wanted to. “Thank you for your help, anyway. I won’t bother you anymore. Have a nice rest of the night.” Just like this, the tourist girl turns and walks away into the alley, unbothered by the darkness.

Jason closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, gathering the facts.

Firstly. The girl is from outside of Gotham and with Jason’s luck, most certainly looking for him, but that’s TBA.

Secondly. She doesn’t seem outwardly hostile or dangerous, but she has shown no signs of fear during the impromptu face-off with him, so there has to be something more to her, some sort of training or experience. She doesn’t seem like an assassin, but who knows these days?

Thirdly. She’s a girl wandering around Crime Alley alone in the dark.

Fourthly. Keep your friends close, but random girls who know your past self closer and all that.

With facts against his better judgment, Jason calls out after the girl, making her stop and turn under a streetlight, “Hey!” She tilts her head, encouraging him to talk. Her eyes reflect light weirdly. “Do you need a place to crash?”

[rachelsfav-queer]

Small little potential Wednesday season 2 plot point that I’ve seen some discussion for but honestly not nearly enough is Enid’s scars. Cause like, in the last episode, after everything goes down, Enid’s scars are prominent and clearly visible.

So I’m personally really hoping that they remain prominent, not just physically but also story-wise. I hope that they don’t just disappear with some lame excuse of “werewolf healing!” or whatever bullshit like that. I actually hope they become a centralized point of Enid’s arc in season 2, where she has to come to accept and love her own scars, no matter what others think of them.

I think that the beginning of season 2 should introduce the plot of Enid hiding her scars, maybe by growing her hair out more or maybe putting on way too much makeup or something like this. And then we need Wednesday to notice FUCKING IMMEDIATELY!!

And I don’t mean like, same day or anything like that. No, I mean IMMEDIATELY, okay? Like she enters Nevermore and Enid comes out to greet her with a hug, but Wednesday pulls back, not because of the hug, but because “Where are your scars?”

“Wh- what?”

“Your scars, from your battle with Tyler. You should be displaying them proudly, they are a symbol of your victory over that worthless scum. Where are your scars?”

And then we have Wednesday, throughout the season, trying to encourage Enid to show her scars. And perhaps, we even have a scene where Wednesday and Enid are in private and Enid isn’t hiding her scars. So Wednesday gets a complete view of them, and she decides to caress them carefully, trailing her fingers lightly across Enid’s cheek and forehead.

And Enid’s knees get weak, her eyes flutter closed as a deep rumble arises from her chest. “Wednesday…”

“Your scars, they are-” Wednesday hesitates, “They symbolize who you are, Sinclair. A survivor, a warrior. Don’t ever let the poison of others’ societal insecurities take this away from you.”

Enid opens her eyes and realizes she doesn’t see Wednesday, her roommate. She sees Wednesday, the girl she has longed to know and to protect. Enid sees Wednesday Addams, the girl who has put her life on the line for her time and again. Wednesday, who has become someone that Enid cannot imagine life without anymore. “You are too, you know? You’re so brave, Wednesday. And… you make me want to be brave too. So… don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not. Okay?”

“I will not… mi lobo,” Wednesday speaks with a softness that Enid now notices she’s only ever spared for her. Maybe… no, of course not. They’re just friends… really, really good friends.

So ummmm, oops. This got away from me a little bit… Anyway! You get my point! Wenclair should become canon through addressing Enid’s scars.

[kinokoshoujoart]

is it really toxic yuri if she doesn’t demand you cut off your fingers for her happiness???

”You have given me gifts over 10,000 times. Congratulations!” haha happy wife happy life…. (my fingers are stumps)

as some of you may or may not have realized i am powerless to the siren call of the ultimate devilish blond Harvest Moon Scum Man, and given that the Japanese version of DS Cute gives you TWO saveslots and TWO hands and the ability to to be in a literal toxic lesbian best friendrriage with ultimate devilish mischievous blonde Harvest Moon Scum Woman i have no choice but to meet all of the Witch Princess’s super reasonable honey do list!!

so one of those fun little non negotiable requests from majo-sama is that you need to give her presents 10,000 times before she’ll even consider marrying you, even if you meet all the marriage requirements!

i don’t mean 10,000 items total— even if you give her a stack of 99 items, it only counts as +1 towards the “items given to witch” counter. you have to give her 10,000 items individually…

in normal gameplay (giving her 1 gift a day, accounting for the holidays when her house is closed) you’ll eventually reach 10,000 gifts!…in your 95th year!

you COULD give her 100 gifts a day every day and knock it out in less than a year, and this was my strategy at first! i quickly realized adding another tedious daily chore to a pile of tedious daily chores slowed the game loop to a crawl and splitting items out was really fucking annoying actually

on the other hand, in 5 IRL hours, you can just get it all done in one visit to her house and never worry about it ever again.

“wow, that sounds like a really great use of my limited time on god’s green earth! how can i too win my future wife’s heart through button mashing my fingers into a pulp?” you ask?

˚✧₊⁎optimized pro gamer technique for breaking your fingers yuri style!!٩(๑❛ᴗ❛๑)۶⁎⁺˳✧༚

you will need

dog (each time you show your pet, this adds +1 to the gift counter the same way a gift would)

the bottom screen should be the map screen (reduces loading time between conversations compared to having your rucksack open)

cast endurance on fingers (wait this is redundant, you saw yuri in the title…)

ideal but not required

sometimes when you enter her house, she’s facing the side and her walk cycle never starts. it’s great if you get this glitch because then you can just stand in place for the entire duration without having to look at the screen, and even like watch a movie or whatever while you do all this, instead of accidentally dropping your dog every time she walks to the other bookshelf

if you’re wondering “wait, doesn’t Witch Princess hate dogs and love cats? why are you showing her your dog?” you are absolutely correct! she yells at you to get that stupid beast away from her every time you show your dog to her! her FP goes down by 3 each time! however, since her response to the dog is shorter than her response to the cat, you end up saving like .6 seconds per conversation, saving over 1.5 hours total, so the dog is what she gets

anyway, in true Karen HM64 tradition, after being repeatedly harassed by having a dog she isn’t fond of shoved in her face ten thousand times in a row for like five hours straight, naturally this makes her want to marry you! who said good old fashioned courtly love is dead?!

* as a small note, if you care enough to keep track and give her an actual gift at the 10th, 100th, 1000th, and 10000th mark, you’ll get 4 of the limited Witch Photos early on, which each give you +1 sweet sweet farm degree points every day… honestly that’s not much, but the pain of being told “your hands are full soooo no reward for you lmaoooo sucks to be you” was too much to bear, so i kept track and used a normal present for the 10th, 100th, 1000th, and 10000th…

[moonlightdancer26]

I'd love to hear your thoughts about Percy! What is your opinion on him in general? Do you like how his character arc was handled by JKR? What are your thoughts on popular fandom takes about Percy (him being a terrible disgrace to the Weasley family for siding with the Ministry/Voldemort; him being a secret hero of the rebellion who deserved better; etc)? And your thoughts on Percy ships? Who, if anyone, do you ship him with?

I think he’s wicked awesome and way too hated, I will genuinely defend him with my life. If my family treated me that badly I’d tell them to fuck off too, he was literally so excluded from his family because he wasn’t some Quidditch-loving jock and actually preferred to study and stay indoors. And he got mocked consistently just because he wanted a bright future. Sure he may appear a bit stuck-up to those who don’t know him well, but his family?? Plus after he legitimately got the job of his dreams, his father’s immediate reaction was to tell him he didn’t actually earn it and that it was all just a ploy. I would actually be so hurt. Like sure Arthur did end up being right, BUT YOU COULD’VE SAID IT A BIT DIFFERENTLY?? A simple “you earned it anyway, son” or “I’m proud of you” would’ve sufficed, alongside an explanation of why Percy MIGHT have gotten the job. He went about it way too harshly, if I got shut down like that after getting the job I’ve been working for my whole life, I’d have done a lot worse.

And I totally get Percy’s resentment, he felt as though his father wasn’t reaching his full potential due to his proud showcase of Muggle-fangirling. And since he (Arthur) was basically the sole provider in a large family that lived in poverty, I can see why Percy would feel frustration towards his father. Plus why do people act as if Percy was always “so horrible” even before he “abandoned” his family? He literally went RUSHING to Ronald when he got out of the lake in GoF and refused to let go of him, and he loved Ginny to death. He was protective of his younger siblings and was pretty funny imo, it’s hard not to sympathise with him when he has siblings like Fred and George.

He genuinely deserved so much better, he was constantly shut down for his accomplishments and cared so much for his siblings despite their mocking, plus he still came back to apologise to them and then proceeded to see his baby brother die in front of him????? How could you hate him after DH?? I don’t think he’s a disgrace to his family at all, sure he was shitty to Molly but, with what he must’ve been going through at the time, I get it. And any resentment he felt towards his family was completely and utterly justified. Plus he literally apologised, so even if you disagree with what I’m saying and think he’s scum or whatever, he legit still apologised to them? He still redeemed himself? Whatever he’s supposedly done that you hate him for, he redeemed himself for it. And I feel like people forget how young Percy was when all this happened? He’s only like 4 years older than Harry and was still 18/19 when all the family drama occurred, and he held a huge responsibility in the ministry. And having grown up as the lone middle child with the burden of knowing his family isn’t respected much must’ve had a tremendous influence on someone as ambitious as Perce. People should really see things from his perspective sometimes. Imo the only genuinely shitty things he’s done is 1. his treatment of Molly 2. his letter to Ron about Harry (but even then, I completely understand why Percy said what he said), anything other than that is usually just exaggerated by his haters.

One character he’s always reminded me of is Alex Dunphy from Modern Family (*tries to summon Modern Family fans*), she was also the odd one out in her family because she was super studious and introverted. And she had a desperate need to prove herself and was very ambitious, much like Perce. Her meltdowns and extreme studying was treated as a joke to the viewers and her sister Haley constantly made fun of her for it. She reminds me a lot of him tbh, which is why I love both characters so much.

lol this was supposed to be a quick short ask explaining why I love him and who I ship him with, and it resulted in a whole rant 😭 that’s usually how I get whenever his name gets brought up. Also Nonnie, I ship Percy with Oliver :D and I think he and Penelope Clearwater really deserved more screentime, they were such a delightful couple imo.

And thanks for the ask btw, I missed talking about him!!

[redhead-batgal]

can I request you do a Tim Drake x reader where the reader is a spider-like anti-hero that is infamous for getting on batman's bad side due to their methods (i.e. hurting bad people like r*pists, etc.) as well as criticizing him for his techniques, and Tim one day bringing them to the manor after a night of patrol and how the batfam reacts? [can you use 21, 8, 15, 28, 31, 32, 19, 35, 26, 17, 3, 1 & 25 from the neutral prompts; 23 from the angsts prompts; and 1, 27, 34 from the fluff prompts]

I'm so sorry this is pretty long, you can cut out any prompts if you'd like wefhsdkj anyways, have a nice day/night & I love your writing!

Pairing: Anti-Hero! and Gender Neutral! Reader x Tim Drake/Red Robin

Prompts: ϐ1: "“Hmmm, what if-” “Oh no, don’t you start that sentence, don’t you dare make that face." ϐ3: "Go on, keep calling me names, see what happens." ϐ8: "FINALLY! Someone who gets me!” “They literally just breathed.” “It was a sigh and fuck you.” ϐ15: "Are you fucking kidding me?” “No, not in the slightest” ϐ17: "She is my favorite sister.” “I’m not even your sister.” “Not yet.” ϐ19: “Are you insane?” “Most likely.” ϐ21: “You’re late.” “You see I would have been on time, but I was kinda keen on not dying.” ϐ25: “You, my friend, are going down a very dark path.” “Well, the light is broken.” ϐ26: “Get the fuck off of my car.” “Say please.” “Please get your fucking ass off of my fucking car” “that’s not very nice” “I’m done.” ϐ28: “And here I was thinking you were dead.” “As if death could be so lucky to be blessed with my presence.” ϐ31: “IS THAT A KITTY!” “Be quiet, we are supposed to observe and report!” “But the kitty…” ϐ32: “Shock me,” “I would but I’m afraid it’d kill you, old man.” ϐ35: “You know it’s very nice to be wanted.” “NOT BY THE FUCKING FBI DAMN IT!” ✢23: “Heroes die young anyways, might as well live as a villain.” ☙1: “I honestly don’t think there’s anyone I ever loved as much as I love you.” ☙27: “I love every damned piece of you no matter what anyone else says.” ☙34: “Damn you smell really nice.”

Content: Cursing, fluff, antics and Batfamily shenanigans. (This is technically what you asked for but also not. I just couldn't help myself with the chaotic batfam scenario sorry if this isn't what you were expecting!"

Word Count: 2,132

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is complicated, especially since people are so bizarre. They have the capability for good and, unfortunately, for evil. And evil tended to rein from what you had seen in life.

It was part of the reason why you decided to become a vigilante of sorts. Part of the reason why you went out in the middle of the night and fought for justice for those who couldn't fight back.

Batman and the rest of the bats wouldn't do what it takes to keep the people of Gotham safe. The vulnerable people of Gotham, the working girls, boys and in-betweens... the people who don't follow the social norms with gender and career.

You chose to help others in a way that the bats couldn't. Killing of course wasn't something you did, that would defeat your purpose. These people- how could you even call them people? These scum, needed to be taught a lesson. And you would make sure it got through, even if it meant you ended up with some bruises and broken bones as well.

This, of course, put you on the big bat's bad side. He didn't see you as an enemy, but he certainly didn't like your actions. However, this did not apply to all of the bats.

"You're late." He sighed.

Rolling your eyes, you tilted your head back. Shrugging you smiled at him lazily.

“You see I would have been on time, but I was kinda keen on not dying.”

He turned to you and a wicked smile slid onto your face. Even with his mask on you could see his seething glare. Rolling off of the heating unit, you flipped to land on your feet before walking towards him.

"Come on Red, can't you take a joke?"

Red Robin did not reply, and you sighed. Maybe you should have tried to take this more seriously. After all he wanted you to officially meet the rest of the bats.

"Alright," You began, "I'm sorry."

Red Robin sighed; eyes narrowed as he looked you over before shaking his head.

"Are you insane?"

Instantly speaking before he could continue, "Most likely?"

He laughed slightly and you bounced a bit before speaking once again, “Hmmm, what if-”

“Oh no, don’t you start that sentence, don’t you dare make that face."

Hopping closer to him you leaned in and opened you mouth to say something, noting the slowly appearing smile on his face. Before opening your mouth, however you took a breath in, and words spilled from you.

"Damn, you smell nice."

He paused for a moment, and you met his gaze before smiling at him and leaning in even more. It hadn't been long since your friendship had officially morphed into something more and every little since of affection seemed to make Red Robin- Tim, it made him nervous.

“I honestly," You began looking at him a mischievous smile on your face, "don’t think there’s anyone I ever loved as much as I love you.”

He took a step back and you looked at him raising an eyebrow.

"Is something wrong Red? You want me to meet them because we're together, right?"

He didn't reply, in fact he looked away from you and you paused. All jokes aside you did love him. You did care about what he said and how he felt. It hurt a bit, him ignoring your question.

"Or" You began letting your mind speak before you thought it through, "do you want to know how they seem me before you decided how you feel?"

He paused again and you sighed, you knew he didn't always know what to say to your antics and fears.

"Please tell me that I'm wrong, Red. I-i want you to reassure me. Say things- things like... I love every damned piece of you no matter what anyone else says.”

He finally looked to you and nodded slowly. Clearing his throat, he took a step towards you, and you smiled.

"I do, I do. I'm- I'm just-"

"Nervous?" You asked watching as his hands fluttered and his body twitched.

"Yeah."

Moving so there was no space between you, you leaned against him.

"It's okay, I get it. If things don't go well, you can just say it's your rebellious phase."

Tim laughed and you smiled at him, grabbing onto his arm you began pulling him across the roof top.

"Come on lover boy, we've got somewhere we need to be."

It did not take long for the two of you to arrive at the vast estate of the Wayne family. Nor did it take long for you to reach the front door. Opening it, that was another matter though. Voices seemed to blast from within and you had to bite your lip to keep your composure.

"Go on, keep calling me names, see what happens!" A voice yelled.

"As if you can do anything Thomas!" A younger voice replied, and you almost turned to Tim who sighed before yanking on the doorknob.

You peeked your head into the manor to see dimly lit rooms and straight ahead a tv screen blazing. Wandering in you found two boys sprawled across the couch just in front of the tv.

“Get the fuck off of my car.” The young Wayne boy, Damian remarked.

A controller pinned in his hands as he glared at another boy.

“Say please.” The other remarked and you recalled his name, Duke.

Damian glared before seething, “Please get your fucking ass off of my fucking car.”

“That’s not very nice.”

Throwing the controller down, Damian shook his head scowling, “I’m done.”

"Where on earth did Robin hear that language?" You snorted.

"Jason probably," Tim sighed.

There was silence before a voice shouted in reply sending you into a pearl of giggles.

"You're one to talk pretender!"

Tim rolled his eyes as he gestured to the boys in front of the two of you.

"These are some of my family members. Duke is a daylighter so you probably haven't seen much of him, and you already know that Damian is Robin."

Duke looked up before blinking a few times, you smiled and waved, and Duke's face went blank as he waved back. Damian raised his head for a second spotting you and scoffing.

"Hello, L/N. Still wasting your time with Drake I see."

Tim's hands were on your make moving you towards the kitchen as your jaw dropped at Damian's comment. Clearly, he did not want to deal with his younger sibling today.

Tim pushed the kitchen door open and sitting on the counter a carton settled in her lap was an unfamiliar girl. She blinked before smiling upon noticing the two of you.

'Hi' She signed, and you tilted your head.

"This is Cass, you probably know her as Black Bat though."

Your eyes nearly popped out of your head as you looked to Tim your jaw dropping. Her? Black Bat? Wow. You had been dying to meet her.

"Wow," You breathed out stepping forwards, "Uh Hi! I'm Y/n. Woah, yeah uhm sorry. I've just heard a lot about you and- and I'm a big fan."

Cass blinked; her pale cheeks being tinted with the slightest pink as she tucked her hair behind her ear hiding part of it from view. Suddenly, she quickly began signing and you shook your head trying to keep up but being unable to.

"Huh, yeah. You're right Cass. I should show them the cave." Tim muttered, he then looked to you and weakly smiled, "Do you want to see the bat cave?"

You nodded rapidly. While you wanted to stay and talk with Cass, you doubted you'd be able to keep up an actual conversation and you really didn't want her to feel uncomfortable.

"Alright, this way. And just down the stairs."

“IS THAT A KITTY!” Spoiler's voice echoed through the comms.

“Be quiet," Batwing hissed "we are supposed to observe and report!”

“But the kitty…”

A sense of surprise raced over you. You really didn't expect to hear things like that. You were almost certain that patrols were serious and yet, here was Spoiler surprising you. Continuing your descent, you made it to the bottom of the stairs to find an unmasked Batman at the computer with a civilian Red Hood behind him waving his hands.

"Shock me." Bat- no Bruce sighed.

"I would but I'm afraid it'd kill you, old man." Red Hood snorted.

You laughed and he turned to you before laughing as well, “And here I was thinking you were dead.”

“As if death could be so lucky to be blessed with my presence.”

Bruce ignored the two of you, eyes locked on the screen and Red Hood- no Jason, looked at you.

“Heroes die young anyways, might as well live as a villain.” He said reaching his fist out, "right?"

"If anyone's like a villain between the two of you it's gotta be Y/N." Bruce mumbled.

"What? Why? I was a drug lord and killed tons of people." Jason questioned his nosed scrunched up in confusion.

"They castrated a man in broad daylight," Was Oracle's calm response that echoed through the cave cleaving it into silence. A smile nearly jumped onto Jason's face as he turned to you.

"Are you fucking kidding me?”

“No," Tim sighed, "not in the slightest.”

"You castrated a man?"

Heat flushed your cheeks, and you waved your hands spitting out a defense, "He was using his dick for bad things! He deserved it."

"It was more than one, and you are now wanted." Bruce Wayne sighed rubbing his temples.

Your reply was instant, “You know it’s very nice to be wanted.”

“NOT BY THE FUCKING FBI DAMN IT!” Tim bellowed turning towards you his eyes wide.

A sheepish grin was on your face as you batted your eyes at him, and Tim let out a groan. Shaking his head, he gestured towards the stairs.

"I think we're done with the Batcave."

You sighed before scowling and moving towards the stairs. However, before you could even raise your foot to the first step you heard Bruce Wayne's booming voice.

"It was nice to meet you Y/N. I hope you keep making Tim happy."

Looking over your shoulder you smiled brightly, meeting the bat's face before nodding.

"Oh, trust me. I will."

Jason burst into a fit of laughter and Tim suddenly was pushing against your back and forcing you up the stairs. You had just made it into the hall when, yet another bat began coming your way.

“You, my friend, are going down a very dark path.” Harper remarked a phone tucked into the crook of her neck.

“Well, the light is broken.” You heard someone reply and you sighed.

Harper turned to look at you before her eyes lit up, "Gotta go, I'll see you later."

She then abruptly hung up before spinning towards you and Tim. She pointed at you and then at Tim her eyebrows raised. Shaking her head, she smiled brightly.

"FINALLY! Someone who gets me!” Harper exclaimed.

Tim looked to her an eyebrow raised, “They literally just breathed.”

“It was a sigh and fuck you.”

"She is my favorite sister.” You snorted.

Harper looked at you confused, “I’m not even your sister.”

You smiled before turning towards Tim, “Not yet.”

A delighted look appeared on Harper's face as she looked you over before turning towards Tim.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well-" You began a wicked grin on your face.

Tim grabbed your arm and began pulling you towards the door, "I think that's enough for tonight. Bye Harper!"

Harper giggled in reply and Tim continued pulling you towards the door. Only to be stopped by a request from Alfred Pennyworth.

"I do hope that you will bring Mx Y/N for Sunday dinner Master Timothy. It will be a far better setting for them to get acquainted with everyone."

Tim sighed, his head hanging as you held back a laugh. He nodded and half turned towards Alfred with his hand weakly waving.

"Of course."

"Goodbye Alfred!" You shouted causing the butler to turn towards you a small smile on his face.

"Farewell Mx Y/N. I do hope you have an enjoyable rest of your evening!"

You continued to wave as Tim pulled you out the door. Finally, the door closed, and Tim let out a haggard sigh.

"So," You began causing him to look at you, "Sunday dinner? I'm pretty sure I didn't get to meet everyone after all."

Tim closed his eyes before pressing his hand to his face, "Damn it."

Another giggle escaped you and you grabbed onto his arm patting it slightly before shaking your head a smile stretched across your face.

"Damn it!" He said again and you laughed.

Tag List:

@andromedaj2003 @daemonnix96 @zvtanna @masset-fotia @thomasbeloved @sskai @krswrites

[tossawary]

I forgot how fucking funny Shen Yuan is. He’s such an unreliable narrator (at least in my interpretation of him) partly because he’s genuinely oblivious to some things and partly because he’s sometimes intentionally ignoring problems like his own trauma, but also because he’s just cracking jokes all the time. It’s hard to know just how seriously he’s taking things sometimes or whether or not the situation is genuinely Like That, because there’s often a chance that Shen Yuan is exaggerating or underplaying the situation in the noble pursuit of 1) The Bit or 2) dunking on Airplane.

Couple of my favorite random, mundane examples of him being hilarious at the beginning of SVSSS:

Shen Qingqiu was an easygoing person.

Since his residential address had already been changed to Proud Immortal Demon Way, and since he’d already kicked the bucket in his original world, he figured he might as well try making it work here.

He’d arrived in a cultivation setting, received a body with decent martial ability and swordsmanship for free, and was also part of a famous righteous sect. If he wanted to stand out, he could stand out, and if he wanted to lie low, he could hole up on Cang Qiong Mountain Sect’s Qing Jing Peak and be a recluse. What was there to complain about?

The only slightly difficult thing would be finding a girlfriend. In this sort of male power fantasy stallion novel, any woman inevitably belonged to the male lead, as long as she wasn’t ugly. Everyone knew this.

Still, Shen Qingqiu was a man of few needs; he would have been satisfied just idling away to a ripe old age. In that way, it wouldn’t be that different from how his previous life had been going.

- SVSSS, Vol 1, Ch 1

Shen Yuan cracks jokes rather than deal with any grief over dying (handwaves over the whole thing, we don’t get to see his quiet moments in the beginning), optimistically acknowledges landing in a very sweet situation for his new life even if the character role isn’t good (kind of reads to me like he’s telling himself he doesn’t have a good reason to complain, so he’s telling himself not to be sad), and then cracks a joke about how hard it’ll be to get a girlfriend.

I read the next bit as him dunking on stallion novels slightly, although I do also think Shen Yuan has some unexamined misogyny going on even if he’s a good guy. He reads as a little sexist at the same time that he brings up problematic elements in the writing in Proud Immortal Demon Way. This flaw feels realistic to me for a young man who reads these kinds of stallion novels and I enjoy it.

And then he jokingly dunks on himself for not having a girlfriend in his past life and is up front about the fact that he doesn’t really want one anyway. A lot of the SVSSS characters give off asexual spectrum vibes for me personally, but Shen Yuan really, REALLY gives off asexual spectrum vibes. It kind of reads to me as Shen Yuan making a joke like, “Lol, imagine what I’d be complaining about if I was the type of person to care about getting a girlfriend! ‘Oh, no! I’ve died and landed in the role of a scum villain and there’s a digital tyrant refusing to let me act out of character! How will I get a girlfriend now?!’ Priorities, am I right?”

The second bit is when Shen Yuan is at the Chen Estate in Shuang Hu City, hunting the Skinner Demon. Ning Yingying has just come to his room to ask him to escort her to the market and he has to turn her down.

At the same time, how could he not want to go out and play? Up until now, he’d been hunkered down inside Qing Jing Peak’s Bamboo House, forced to fake being an awesome master of arts and literature, meaning everything he did had to be done “blandly”: blandly speaking, blandly laughing, blandly practicing the sword, blandly being a poser - bland to the point that he often had the urge to scatter a handful of salt over his head! What a damn pain!

And now when he finally got a break to take a trip down the mountain, he was still trapped in his room because of the System’s stance that “the original Shen Qingqiu liked quiet and would be unwilling to mingle.”

Shen Qingqiu didn’t even want to pretend to meditate, so he lay on the bed, just pretending to be dead.

- SVSSS, Vol 1, Ch 2

Shen Yuan has been going stir crazy, unable to talk to anyone properly, and he just wants to be loud and undignified and enjoy himself by playing the tourist for an afternoon! He calls himself out for faking everything! He admits that he doesn’t know what he’s doing! He doesn’t like being cold and calm and collected all the time. He sounds like he’s desperate for some friendly company and a distraction from his own thoughts. He wants to be nice to people.

The OOC function won’t even let him chill and chat with people. Which is a little funny because when Luo Binghe was being bullied, Shen Yuan said, “Fuck the System!” and anonymously interfered with flying leaves because he couldn’t bear Luo Binghe’s suffering, even though it lost him a bunch of points. He got the points back, but he didn’t know that when he interfered! For all he knew then, he was bringing himself closer to a risk of death. He also later invited Binghe to ride in the carriage with him after another bullying incident and argued with the System as to why his actions weren’t out of character. If Binghe is involved and suffering, then Shen Yuan can’t help but rail against the OOC function.

Shen Yuan calls himself out for “pretending to meditate” before now (he knows he’s kind of a hack! He so lost and he’s doing his best anyway) and just... lies on the bed “pretending to be dead”??? It’s not stated whether he’s lying facedown or facing the ceiling, but it’s funny either way. Shen Yuan is so fucking done with the System’s micromanagement with the OOC function that he just sprawls on the bed for the day. He sounds so depressed.

[monocytogenes]

Let Yourself Breathe

This is something of a gift for @nirikeehan that I’ve been picking at between chapters of All the Times We’ve Said Goodbye. Pravin/Lana isn’t the main ship there, but I did romance her ingame, so. :)

I never was super into the whole Revan arc plot (spoilers below) apart from the class story-specific stuff, but Lana and Theron’s dynamics were so good. Pravin and Theron’s relationship was a constant dick-measuring contest (it’s always kind of funny for me to see how much agent/Theron content is out there because Pravin was like ‘FUCK the ENTIRE SIS I do not trust ANY of you PRICKS’) and he generally agreed with (and flirted with) Lana...with a few really interesting exceptions.

This is the aftermath of Lana purposefully getting Theron captured, which Pravin is not happy about on principle, and them talking it over/bonding afterwards.

—

As the door slid open, Pravin was greeted by an animated scene—Lana and Theron both on their feet, shouting at each other.

Lana’s features were tensed in stern frustration, back ramrod-straight and arms crossed. Theron was gesticulating in open-palmed fury, jaw tight, posture hunched and one leg forward as though rearing to dash at her.

“—like I’m disposable, because that’s just how Sith Intelligence operates, huh—?!”

“I knew you’d come though alright, and really, you should taking that as a compliment—”

Pravin cleared his throat loudly. Lana’s head swiveled; Theron’s eyes flickered towards him.

“What’d I miss?” Pravin asked flatly.

“Did you know Lana set me up?” Theron snapped.

“As I said, I read their intentions and made a tactical decision to ensure that we—”

Pravin interrupted. “Wait, what?”

“She sensed them coming and had me go in anyway so I’d get captured!”

“It was a perfectly good opportunity to get you past their defenses and into their systems—”

“Yeah, sure, right after they tortured me—”

“You got him captured?” Pravin regarded her in disbelief.

“Because I knew he’d free himself in short order and extract valuable intel,” retorted Lana.

“After having to plan on the fly because all my gear was confiscated and, oh, did I mention the torture—?”

“It’s not like you haven’t done it before,” Lana insisted.

“I kind of prefer to have a heads up when my supposed ally’s going to send me into a life-or-death situation!” hissed Theron.

“Like you would’ve agreed if I—”

“Beniko,” Pravin turned on her incredulously. “Are you mad?”

“We needed him in there,” she maintained, looking affronted. “And had I posited the option to him he wouldn’t have gone for it.”

“Then we would’ve found another way.” Pravin shook his head. “That was totally out of line.”

“It accomplished what it was meant to accomplish—”

“And what if it hadn’t? What if he’d got killed because you’d given him no chance to prepare?”

“Then that would’ve been a severe miscalculation, but clearly—”

“Lana.” He spat the name, guttural and hard-edged, and she fell silent, glowering at him. “You don’t deceive your own. Ever.”

“He’s not my agent,” she muttered.

“Oh, whoop, there it is,” Theron declared. “Fuck that Republic scum, right?”

Pravin eyed him in annoyance. “Shan, shut up.”

“I can’t believe you’re taking his side on this,” Lana said to Pravin.

“Can’t you?” Pravin scoffed, his voice rising. “So what if he’s not ‘your agent?’ So what if he’s done daft, reckless things before—you thought I’d be all peachy with this? Do I have to spell out for you why I’ve got a problem with a Sith keeping critical information from a field operative?”

“This is different,” she insisted.

“No no, it’s not, because this, like that, is about respect. If you can’t respect his expertise, if he can’t trust that you’ll be frank with him, then I don’t care how brilliant a tactician you think you are—you’re a liability. You are hindering this operation. And you need to get your damned priorities sorted before you wind up with no help at all.”

Lana gave a wordless huff.

“You owe him an apology,” demanded Pravin.

“I’m not going to apologize for being right,” said Lana, sweeping from the room in a miffed whirl of robes.

Pravin sighed, massaging his forehead.

“Well,” remarked Theron, stepping up to stand beside him. “Uh. Thanks for having my back.”

“She knows she’s full of it,” said Pravin, gaze lingering on the doorway. “She’s just too stubborn to admit it.”

“Yeah, I was getting that impression.” Theron hesitated. “So, what was that about a Sith keeping intel from—”

“Mind your own bloody business.”

“Alright, alright,” said Theron, holding his hands up in surrender. “Forget I said anything.”

*

After a good half-hour, Pravin tracked Lana down to a nearby cafe, where she’d claimed a table beneath a shady awning in the dying twilight. He settled in across from her, watching her golden eyes flick briefly to his face before returning to the milling passerby, heavy-lidded and tired.

The chair creaked as he sat back, following the turn of her head, hands folded in his lap.

She took a measured sip of her caf.

“I am doing the best that I can under challenging circumstances,” she said, setting the mug down. “I hope you recognize that.”

“I do.”

“I keep thinking, if only I still had a team of analysts at hand. A whole cadre of associates I could trust, rather than just...”

“An enemy agent, a wanted criminal and a dead man?”

“Put that way, it almost sounds charming,” she mused. “A ragtag band of unlikely heroes.”

Pravin snorted. “That seems a bit presumptuous.”

From the corner of his eye, he saw a wan smile turn her lips. “Says the man who saved all those civilians.”

“You don’t need to kiss up to me,” he told her, smirking over his discomfort.

“Don’t I? ‘Before I wind up with no help at all.’”

He looked at her then, at the remorse that had settled into the curve of her mouth, the misty sadness in her eyes.

“I’m not the one you kriffed over,” he said quietly.

“I’ll say something to him later,” she promised. “Some manner of apology. I rather doubt that’ll mend things, though.”

“If you approach him in honesty I think it’ll be a good first step.”

“I can’t be too honest. He is SIS.”

“I don’t know. A bit of heart may make him less inclined to be a cock to your personnel in the future.”

“That seems an optimistic take for you.”

“Don’t you dare call me an optimist; you’ll make me break out in a rash,” Pravin grumbled.

Lana chuckled. “Well, you are likely correct. I don’t have your instinct for this sort of thing.”

“You have the Force; I’m certain your intuition’s better than you think. You just have to...” He gestured as he chose his words, a pensive sweep of his hand. “...stop treating this all as a test. Some trial where you’ve got to work with perfect logical detachment because everyone’s watching and waiting for you to stumble. Shan’s competent, I’m hopefully more than competent, Jakarro’s useful enough—not an ideal crack team, sure, but you’ve got support. Utilize those relationships and, for stars’ sake, let yourself breathe.”

Lana gave a shaky nod, staring into her caf. “...I…I’m simply all too aware that if we’re unsuccessful here then not only will the political consequences be severe, but my own place in the Empire—”

“Yes, I know.” A twinge of muddled feelings tightened his throat; he swallowed to clear it. “But shutting out the rest of us is not going to help you control the outcome. If anything, it’s going to worsen your odds.”

She proffered a palm over the tabletop, still not looking at him. He hesitated, then slipped his hand into hers. Her grip was bony, skin calloused near the base of her fingers from the hilt of her saber, slightly slick from the port city’s intransigent humidity.

“I’ll meditate on that advice,” she said after a silence. “I do appreciate that you and I can talk this way. Can you imagine Theron and I having this conversation?”

“Like a slow-moving speeder wreck.” He lifted his chin, imitating Theron’s accent. “’See, Lana, your problem is that you don’t care about people and think you’re superior. Have you tried not being such a bitch?’”

Lana cracked up, bringing her other hand to her mouth. “Stars, you sound just like him.”

“I have been stuck listening to him for several weeks,” Pravin murmured. “For the record, I still find him right obnoxious.”

“He’s grown on me, admittedly. Sometimes when we’re getting along, I feel as though in a different world I could’ve called him a friend.”

“Now don’t tell him that; he’ll think you’re talking out your arse.”

“I wasn’t planning to.” She shifted her grasp, stroking her thumb across his knuckles in the process. “Can I ask you something personal?”

“Go on.”

“Do you find him handsome?”

Pravin gave a dismissive tsk. “Not with that personality.”

Her smile turned mirthful. “I thought I’d noticed a flutter of something the few times he’s grinned at you or—”

“Alright, let me clarify.” Pravin withdrew his hand, motioning in exasperation. “If I met him in a cantina on Narsh or something and didn’t know about his allegiances or propensity to be a nosy little shite, then yes, solid eight out of ten. But as it stands? More like a three, with fleeting exceptions if he’s being abnormally charming.”

“He can have that air about him now and again,” Lana agreed. “Reminds me of you on occasion.”

Pravin made a face, catching another laugh from her, then regarded her slyly. “So I’m charming, then.”

“Of course. Wasn’t that a required competency in your training?” she quipped.

“By that same token you ought to be immune to my wiles.”

She tipped her head back, draining the dregs of her caf as though it was liquor. “Maybe I don’t want to be.”

Pravin studied the lingering curve of her lips in tempered interest, letting a comfortable silence pass between them before he spoke again.

“For what it’s worth—” He pointed at her. “—Ten out of ten.”

“You’re lying,” she insisted, blushing.

“No I’m not.”

“I’d have thought that my being Sith would’ve knocked a few points off.”

“You are the most reasonable Sith I’ve had the pleasure to meet,” he informed her. “By a long shot.”

“The competition isn’t exactly fierce on that front, is it.”

“Given that the comparable parties include ‘literal terrorist’, ‘psychosis case study’ and ‘bloke I walked in on whilst he was choking out my colleague’, the bar is so low it’s practically underground.” He sniffed at his own joke, then eyed her more plainly, softening his tone. “But to be more specific, it’s like—”

He drummed his fingers against the tabletop. “There’s so many of your kind who walk around believing that being able to snap a neck with the Force demands that people like me worship at your feet. To which I say: so what? One can accomplish the same end with a blade or a blaster, poison or a well-timed shove off a ledge. I’m not impressed by that. But you—you’ve never asked me to be. You sought my help not to enrich yourself, not as some sort of petty power-play, but because you actually cared about righting wrongs. And as much as I’m loath to admit it, somewhere deep down in my cynical, seditious heart, I rather admire that.”

Lana stared at him for a long moment, fighting a grin.

Shifting her mug aside, she rose slightly, leaning over the table and pulling Pravin in by the arm. He laughed a surprised what before she kissed him, her touch more tender than hungry, breathing a sigh against his lips as she withdrew.

“...You’re welcome,” he said in reply, a bit off-kilter.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for some time,” she confessed. “What you said, it—it means a lot, coming from you.”

“Exactly how long have you dreamt of kissing me?”

“Oh, please.” She rested her face in her hand. “I don’t know. Since we embraced, probably.”

Pravin snickered, ignoring the way his own cheeks had darkened. “You mean when you seized hold of me in a moment of unbridled grief and I sort of stood there in confusion?”

“My recollection is somewhat different.” She smirked. “I seem to remember you patting my back.”

“Ah. Perhaps I’m not giving myself enough credit.” Slyly, he added, “Perhaps we could give that another go under less strenuous circumstances.”

“And try not to be quite so harried about it?”

“I’d say ‘stuffy,’ but that too.”

“That may require some effort. We are both Imperials, as our associate is so fond of reminding us.”

“No matter how many times I endeavor to correct him,” Pravin muttered. “Former Imperial, you Coruscanti twit.”

“It’s all the same to him, I fear.” She shook her head. “But I agree, we should. I should be getting back to work now, but sometime—”

“How about we walk back together?” Pravin offered his hand.

Her gaze was warm, as soft as her lurid eyes could allow. “Yes, let’s.”

[kakoiphonousangie]

My thoughts on LB6 (Arc 1)

My personal thoughts on Lostbelt 6 so far as I have been timegated and am so fucking hyped to see it come to fruition. I just wanted to collect my thoughts on it in a post. Apologies for lack of images I am doing this at 2AM and I need to get my feelings down.

From start to finish, I have been *very* into fucking world building, to the point where it is its only surpassed by its amazing character arcs! But regardless, I think the writers made a really good intro to suck you in first that makes you excited to be along for the ride.

The very first meeting you get of Fairy Britain is of rapscallion exiles who don’t have anything left to lose and are practically cockroaches of society. Even so they try their best to live out the rest of their lives, even if they cut it short themselves with the introduction of a human. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a metaphor for all of Fairy Britain: a peaceful land eventually doomed to fail but with the introduction of one human cascades into an even worse fate filled with pain and suffering. 

I also love how differing area’s have differing politics on humans and what to do with them. Camelot and Salisbury seem intent to control humans, even if Salisbury’s leader thinks differently. (Hell, the disconnect is so much that I’m almost suspicious.) Norwich and Sheffield practically have fairies and humans side by side, although both of which is primarily motivated by an oncoming disaster. And then Gloucester is willfully feigning ignorance with neutrality, knowing that the only thing that matters is commerce. If you’re human, you’re a slave. A pet. A comrade in arms. A bargaining chip. And someone sticking through a disaster together with people.

Plus the introductions of various faeries make the world so much more lively. Especially the river fairies who lure people in with their wishes. That one in particular was really cool and made for a really good comedy bit.

And then the characters. GOD the characters. Every single main character has made a lasting impression on me, whether it be cool or immense, but intended, hatred. I especially love Castoria being fated to be this great hero but is the equivalent of throwing molotov cocktails at people. Also, at some point I noticed I didn’t know why Castoria was in the Amnesia Forest. Hm. I wonder if this is related to the crippling imposter syndrome she has over the entire Child of Prophecy thing and that it seemed like she let her entire hometown die. Sure would be bad if she tried to drown herself in amnesia so she could go back to being a regular hick! Regardless I will hype her up as much as possible and will kill everyone else in the room if they don’t cheer.

Anyways, moving on from Castoria, this is also very clearly supposed to be Mash’s time to shine and it fucking *shows*. Taking her away from Ritsuka and giving her own role to develop is so cool to see. Her absence is tangible, especially since she’s Ritsuka’s rock and they literally cannot keep themself in check without her as a support. Regardless, putting her with the scum of the earth (who aren’t true scum, just a little misguided and don’t know how to act) and making her still defend them at all costs is so good. She *is* a hero, a knight, Galahad’s very own Tam Lin to shield all that comes the way. It’s so satisfying to see her build herself back up and have something to stand for as Mash and not Chadea’s Demi-servant. (Also, I very much appreciate the buffs. Especially the np gain so i can fucking loop her np.)

And the fucking meetup with her and Ritsuka is SO FUCKING HYPE. Ritsuka, willing their command seals back (probably by sacrificing their of life force just to defy fate, i don’t think letting them know that was a thing they could do was a good idea) to triple boost a Lord Camelot is just. Fucking Incredible. Also giving THEM a monolouge not influenced by the player hit me so fucking hard because for once Ritsuka doesn’t feel like an insert MC. They’re a fully fledged maniac of their own and above everything they want to save their beloved Mash and the rest of Britain. (Granted, they never were just an insert, especially during lostbelt arc, but this takes it to a new level) And it makes it hurt all the more when Mash is taken away to Morgan. But also not to a point where the other Tam Lin know about her, at least Tristan. Very fascinating to me. Still satisfying to watch the hope drain from Guda’s eyes as their sanity plummets.

On the account of Oberon, I like him but sadly don’t have much to say about him expect REALLY loving his art and the writers making great stuff with his humor. Regardless, I like that he tries to care for Guda in his own way. Same thing with Muramasa, but with the added part of liking his like. Strict Grandpa relationship with the cast, with a soft spot for Artoria.

Comedy is also been top notch. From being owned by Artoria (which she seems a *wee* bit too excited by) to buying the Child of Prophecy (30% Chance), the writers hit home with nearly everyone. Plus, it helps a lot with getting some relief, especially after heavy hitters like the fall of Sheffield due to the Black Barrel and the loss of Tristan. 

All and all, this is by far my favorite chapter by a mile. I returned from a long ass hiatus just to sink my teeth into this and by god it delivered. Glad, I came back. And, while i was mainly trying to save for someone else later… I couldn’t help myself bringing home someone who I’m told is very good!

Till our next meeting, King of the Lostbelt! I hope you’re as good as people tell!

[mxthxbot]

❛ i’m sorry i broke you, __. i really am… ❜ for Lix~

@livealittleoc-cb

It felt like a normal day, but that was just the calm before the storm. He had no idea that it was going to end like this.

“Oh come on m’lday, you think so poorly of this cat.” He grinned, leaning against his staff as he kissed the back of Ladybug’s hand. Hearing his partner in crime scoff, Chat Noir always enjoyed messing with Ladybug. She didn’t mean anything to him, but it was always amusing.

But what stopped Felix’s heart was the dread he felt when he saw Di staring at him. He dropped Ladybug’s hand, unaware of the confused blue eyes glancing at him, green eyes focused on the way that his duo colored eyes were filled with hurt. It all seemed to fuzz out.

The villain he was fighting, the order for his miraculous, the current danger he was in. No… He was only focused on the way that his eyes were clouded with hurt, Di turned his head away as Felix felt sick to his stomach.

“I trust you. With my entirety. With my life, my heart, my everything. I trust you.” Those were the words that he said to Di, but yet… Did he deserve to say those words? “Chat! Watch out!”

Ladybug yelled out, Felix suddenly hitting the building across the street. Easily shaking off the dirt and pieces of brick, standing up to look where Di was standing. He didn’t care about this… Not at the moment, Ladybug had to handle it. She was perfect anyways, she could do it.

Felix took off running, deactivating Plagg as he turned the corner. Trying to find Di and panicking when he didn’t see him anymore. Plagg didn’t understand when he was suddenly out in free roaming when he knew the villain wasn’t defeated. He looked over at Felix, flying down in front of him. “What is going on with you?”

“I- I hurt Di! I couldn’t… I can’t! It’s not like that-! He needs to know.” His words were jumbled, Plagg could barely understand. Felix’s breaths were coming out short, suddenly running for the cafe. He didn’t know where else to look!

“The fuck you doing here?” Ares asked with recognizing Felix when he made his way in. Felix was trying to catch his breath, leaning on his hands and feeling lightheaded from how much he pushed himself to run faster to get here. His green eyes glanced at the god, panicking suddenly at the feeling of being picked up. “W-where is he?”

“Where is he? Are you really asking me that? What did you do?!” Ares snapped, he’s never seen Di so upset like that… He really didn’t know what was going on, but he had a feeling that the problem would come crawling back. “You did something to hurt him and I want to know what you did.”

“I-I didn’t mean to! It’s a misunderstanding.” Ares scoffed at hearing that, cracking his neck lightly as he dropped Felix on the ground. Felix was shaking lightly, looking at him fearfully as he backed up lightly. “Isn’t that what you scum always say? It was a misunderstanding, you didn’t mean to, they meant nothing, you only love him huh?”

Tears pooled in Felix’s eyes as his cold words hit him. Of course… That’s what he was going to say, but it’s the truth! Ladybug really meant nothing to him since he met Di, plus he’s been hurt so long by Ladybug standing him up/rejecting him. Di… Di always made him feel treasured, made him feel special. So he just jokes around with her now, he was happy with Di. “Speechless aren’t you now? I can’t believe he loved someone like you.”

“Y-you don’t understand… It’s not… It’s really not…”

“Why are you crying now? You’re the one that hurt him.”

“I didn’t mean to! I love him! I love him so much! I would never hurt him like that! Ladybug is nothing to me!” He exclaimed, sobbing while covering his eyes. “I don’t care what happens to me! I never want to be Chat Noir again if I have to lose Di! I would throw away my miraculous now if that’s what it takes!”

“NO! Feli-“ Plagg tried to stop his owner, suddenly disappearing as the ring was thrown across the coffee shop. Ares was surprised at seeing him do that. He’s never seen someone willing to give up so much for Di… “Kid… He really means that much to you?”

“He’s my everything. I don’t know what I’ll do without him. He’s the only one who actually loved me, he’s the one who protects me, who makes me feel so special.” Felix hiccuped, rubbing his eyes. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt him, I wanted to protect him- not break him. I- I wanted him to feel loved with me.”

Ares glanced up, meeting those caring eyes of the sun god. Apollo was sitting with Di, comforting him. But Ares knew both could hear Felix from where they were out of sight for the sobbing blonde. But this decision… It wasn’t up to Ares. It was up to Di, only Di could make the next move. Ares glancing at Di, seeing what he wanted to do with Felix.

[anchanted-one]

Legend of Vajra. Chapter 23. Fires on Coruscant

https://archiveofourown.org/works/43208574/chapters/109865154

Level 1313 ‘Gangland’

Sergeant Ava Jaxo advanced towards the target with her squad, nervous to be out here in full regalia. Her work was usually undercover, so wearing the Republic standard-issue armor made her stand out.

Sadly, there were few who knew this labyrinthine level’s layout like her girls did, so they’d been the ones dispatched to investigate the build-up. Fortunately, she wore a helmet with a voice modulator, so the chances of her being recognized were slim.

Which was good. Her favorite restaurant was on this level, and she would no longer be allowed if it became known she was with Republic Special forces.

But any hopes they had of the Gangs staying out of the soldiers’ way during the red alert were dashed when they saw the Serroco Mud Stripes.

“Oy! What’re you doing here?” one of them asked, as his friends raised their weapons. “We don’t want your kind here!”

“Listen, the Imps are here on Coruscant again. You remember what they did last time, don’t you?”

“We patrol this sector,” the thug said stubbornly. “No Imps down here. Now leave!”

“We can’t do that. There’s a thermal build-up occurring three blocks away, and we need to investigate it.”

“No dice, bucket heads,” the thug cried. “We’ll look after our own territory. Go play with your Imps someplace else.”

“Sarge? Heat’s building up!” Venta said nervously.

“Please. Please! Look, we don’t mind if you escort us in and out, but we need to check this—”

“No!” the boy screamed. “You had your chance. Now die! Open fire!”

Jaxo grabbed the man and threw him on his compatriots, a sticky bomb taped to his chest. There was an electric discharge, and five thugs went down, stunned. She rolled behind a balustrade to evade their blind shooting. From behind his own cover, Borod fired three times; two more thugs went down, the third only narrowly escaping the shot. Jessie shot two of the stunned men as they tried to rise, Venta shot another. The sound of blaster fire was loud now.

Jaxo took the opportunity to stand and fire at the last of the thugs, she fell to the ground before she could whimper.

“We gotta hurry!” Jaxo whispered. “Others will come in. Jess, call in our reinforcements. Tell them they’ll be walking into a gang war.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

*

Level 1178, Reynault Sector

Sergeant Nevil Kirnold of the Red Bolt closed Marina Benz’s eyes with a sigh. “Goodbye, old buddy. Warm up a seat for me up there. At this rate, I won’t be far behind you.”

Corporal Pide wiped his tears behind him. “We lost seventeen good people here, Sarge. Here, on Coruscant. Why did the Imps come here again? Haven’t they had their fill of blood yet?”

“Apparently not,” Brinia Nole said angrily. “They’re like skep-vultures. Always need more blood and guts.”

“We succeeded in our mission at least. We secured the box. Whatever the fuck’s inside it.”

“Good. Now burn it. And leave the melted ash for the Imps to find, so they know there’s no stealing this from some vault. Jedi’s orders.”

Brinia complied eagerly. “I heard this component costs sixty thousand credits,” she said conversationally. “But there’s no price on imagining the look on the face of whoever’s gotta report this to their Sith overlord.”

The squad forced a tired laugh. Once his order was carried out, and the box reduced to slag, Nevil picked up his drinking buddy. “Let’s go home. Gather up our dead. They get funerals fit for heroes.”

*

Sector 225, Windswept sector

Corporal Silda Barton felt like scum when she killed the last Imp soldier, who looked much less threatening without her helmet. In fact, she was sobbing her eyes out, begging for mercy.

If only Silda could give it to her. Unfortunately, that wound on her belly was going to kill her anyway; so really, she was doing the other woman a favor.

“Thank you,” was the soldier’s last words… and Silda realized that she had been begging for a different kind of mercy.

“No sweat,” she said casually. “How many did we lose?” She called to her buddy.

“Three. And five Coruscant Guards.”

“In exchange for two squads of Imp Soldiers? I’d say that’s a good trade.”

“And here’s the crate they were trying to make off with. Are you sure you want it fried?”

“Positive. I hear the Jedi in command is just a kid, so no wonder he digs the fried stuff.”

“Copy. I pity his stomach, but copy.”

*

Level 1313

Jaxo and her squad were within sight of their objective when their luck ran out.

“THEY’RE HERE!” Borod fired on the Trandoshan who’d sounded the alert, but it was too late. A group of Moon Hunters with force pikes converged upon them.

“Fire at will!” Jaxo ordered, and her team began firing at the incoming reptiles. But even as they went down, another group of Serroco rounded the corner, emerging directly between Jaxo’s team and their destination.

Weequay Grayfoots began to appear as well, and more Trandos. That made all three of the major gangs controlling Gangland.

“Shit, shit, shit!” Jaxo cursed as she set her rifle to auto and began swinging it around with her finger pressed on the trigger.

“Sewers?” Jessie asked, after shooting her third Weeq in the eye.

“Bad idea,” Borod said. “It’s tight down there. We enter the sewers like rats, then we get trapped down there like rats. Better if you wait for an opportunity and climb instead.”

“In case you’ve forgotten, I’m in my hundred-ton armor here.”

“Too late. Just shoot your way out if you can.” But the goons had gotten close enough that even their short-ranged blasters were now a threat, so the squad had to fire from cover now. “Damn, I really could use you, hunk.”

“What was that, Jak?”

“I need my emotional support man, okay?”

“Now, of all times, Jak?” Jess asked.

“This one can shoot, alright? I need a nice, strong meat between me and them!”

“We really need to hear your fancies now?!” Venta asked.

“Ignore her, ignore her. She just wants to think about cock in her final moments.”

“Hey! Take that back, Jess! I mean it, Lieutenant Queens is a real badass! And he’s big too!”

“Keep shooting, alright?” Pol begged. “We’re dead if they get any closer!”

“Oh, shit,” Jaxo noticed the danger before it sniped them. Luckily, she didn’t need to break cover to aim at the thugs climbing the fire exit. “Yeah, we really shoulda come down here with more meat—I mean, more bod.” She cursed angrily. “You know what I mean, alright! We’re outnumbered!”

And the odds were just getting worse. Every thug in the sector was converging on their location, and arriving one bunch at a time. Soon, the streets would be covered in dead gang members.

“Who armed them anyway? They’re using pea shooters!”

“We’re at the edge of their territory, remember?” Venta said. “The ones with big guns will be here soon—”

“They’re here,” Najo said tensely. “A few, at least. Nice knowing you, everyone. Jak, I think now’s the time I told you that your cooking always leaves me dropping bombs in the toilet, which the war crimes board might consider ‘chemical weapons.’”

Jaxo’s head turned slowly in his direction, an evil look in her eye. “WHAT DID YOU SAY, YOU LITTLE SHIT!?”

“He’s right Jak,” Jess said gently. “If there’s a next life, learn not to use so much Seracha? Or Parvian Habanero?”

Jaxo sighed dramatically. “You ungrateful bastards better hope there’s no next life! I’ll track you down and feed you my famous twelve-course meal for the rest of eternity. Don’t like that? Then don’t fucking die!”

“We love you too, Jak.”

Venta took several hits and went down. “I’m fine!” she cried. “Pea shooter…”

Jaxo risked a quick look around. They were caught in a tight circle now. At least no one was trying to climb the ladders again. Several attackers had larger rifles, but they were still not too many, and they weren’t bold enough—or armored—to come any closer than they had to.

But they were getting there.

Their lines inched forward, and finally they were close enough that the squad was pinned down.

Then the explosions came. But not on them. There were cries from all around them, and the blasters started to focus their fire in a different direction.

Jaxo snuck another peek and sighed with relief. “Cavalry’s here.”

*

Level 1065, Turanno Sector

Ravel groaned in pain. She had never felt pain like this; that blast had blown away both her legs, and someone had shot her full of holes. And stabbed her for good measure.

She wished she’d taken Breg’s suggestion and sent in scouts, but she had looked around and said ‘No one’s up and about.’ Famous last words, they turned out to be.

Instead, they’d had to fight a desperate last stand as Imps shot them up from all sides.

“Nice try, Republic scum!” the woman in Imp armor sneered. “But we had you outgunned, outnumbered, and outfoxed from the start. We’re taking this cargo and…”

Ravel shook her head. “You shouldn’t have brought the box so close to me, numbskull.” She closed her eyes and hit the dead man’s switch on her detonator, setting off a massive explosion. The last thing she saw was the precious crate on fire. The crate her crew had given their lives to destroy.

All around her, the once-triumphant Imperials began to scream in dismay.

*

Gev Dubren Sector

Captain Genn sighed, looking at the case in his hand. He did not know when it had happend, but one of the Republic soldiers had managed to shoot a hole in his prize as he made off with it.

“Check it,” Lieutenant Blanche said with weak hope.

But the only thing inside were badly fried microchips. The only batch of such high-end chips on Coruscant was now slag, and they’d somehow have to get a ship past the shield to procure more.

“Tarnis is going to have our heads.”

“Better him than his old man,” Private Boggart said gloomily.

All twelve of his surviving command sighed heavily.

*

Level 1313

Jaxo’s group was still pinned down for now, but at least there was no one advancing on their position. But the streets were now crowded with thugs, more corpses than live ones. And there were now hundreds of live thugs.

The big guns were also out in full force now, and Jaxo thanked all her lucky stars that the cavalry had arrived when they had.

They’d sent in a force of heavy war droids and a dozen light artillery guns along with heavy commandos, but their advance had also been slowed by all the converging gang armies. It was a brutal firefight now, with plasma raining to and fro in every direction.

“Why are the goons even fighting this hard! At this point, they should be cutting their losses and rebuilding!”

“Trandos,” Borod replied. “Probably them. They’re very territorial. I’ll bet the Rocs and Weeqs are regretting their alliance right about now.”

“Wait…” Najo’s helmet tilted for a second. “I think I hear a Lightsaber!”

“Wait, what?!”

The others listened too; it was true. Jaxo peeked over the edge again, and was treated to the satisfying sight of a Jedi in action. He must be the kid in charge right now; an alien with blue skin and four arms. He held Lightsabers in two of them, keeping his other two free. His blades whizzed through the air so fast they seemed to turn into twenty or thirty extra pairs of hands. It was true; Lightsabers did reflect blaster fire. Dozens and dozens of goons were hit by the ricochets and fell, but the fabled Serroco courage held, as did the Trandos’ territorial zeal.

But the Jedi wasn’t just deflecting; he attacked one cluster after another, leaving fallen thugs all over the place. She… she couldn’t even see him when he was moving.

Were all Jedi like this? Fuck, that was amazing! She needed a few of them for her squad.

“Sarge?” Venta called. “The heat signature…”

“Right. Jess? Take the sewer, head for the source. See what’s in it, and report.”

“Copy! I really hope my olfactory blockers are working…”

*

Level 1009, Industrial Sector

Sergeant Mera-maosh Suliri counted to three before breaking cover to hurl his last grenade at the enemy. All but two of his Hunting Owls remained, two out of an entire platoon. Three of the enemy went down screaming, injured but probably alive. When he dropped back under cover, his eyes went back to his best friends Nubu-neb Arra, and Tonia Hill, whose lifeless eyes continued to stare at him, just as they had for the past ten minutes.

Somewhere behind the enemy, Nira Bell had finally gone silent, her gutshot finally claiming her life. Her flanking manoeuvre had been brave, but ill-fated. She had been spotted before she’d gotten so much as a shot off, and her friends had been unable to either reach her, or end her suffering.

So many were dead…!

Hamish Stroud took the opportunity Mera-moush had provided to stand and fire several well-placed shots from his rifle. Two more Imps went down, leaving both sides finally equal in number after a lengthy duel. Mera-maosh saw the sniper emerge and tried to warn Mish, but the shot took him through his head.

Howling in rage, Rila emerged and shot down the last one of the remaining infantry, then fired at the sniper himself. But it was no use; the Imp was well out of her rifle’s range.

“Rila, get down!” Mera-maosh called, but she was far beyond reason. She had just watched the sniper kill seventeen comrades from a safe distance after all, and now her best friend of twenty-seven years was dead. She was still firing when she also took a headshot.

Mera-maosh choked back a cry, but stayed in cover. He was the last one remaining.

“Come on out, Republic Dog!” the sniper called. “You can die like a man, at least!”

“Tough talk coming from a chicken who doesn’t even show himself!”

The sniper’s loud laughter was derisive, but it ended with an abrupt scream. Confused, Mera-moush risked a glance, and saw the man fall from his perch. Actually, the perch had been what fell. It was not so steady a nest after all.

But he had made a mistake in thinking the downed men were out of the fight; several shots clipped him in the neck and side, and he fell to the ground gasping. But then he saw something that warmed his heart.

Civvies came out from the woodwork, screaming obscene warcries and falling upon the surviving Imps with a cold fury. The wounded soldiers cried out in fear and pain as they were hacked apart with butcher’s knives and picks. The sniper crawled out from the rubble, but he didn’t last long either. Someone started lobbing heavy crates at him from a window about halfway down. Perhaps the perch hadn’t been unstable after all.

The man grunted each time something hit him, but his final scream was a terrified one, as he saw an antique piano falling towards him. There was a loud crash, along with the off-note sound of keys playing one last time.

With peace descending on the battlefield, he got a good look at the battlefield at last. The corpses of his comrades of three tours littered the streets, many missing large holes in their faces. Damn that sniper!

But on the other side, the Imps had also been wiped out, having been taken by surprise and finished off like chickens in a trap before their sniper managed to get into position.

Memories of the desperate firefight filled his mind, as did the names and faces of all his dead comrades, who would have died for nothing had the civilians not stepped up.

“It’s okay, soldier!” he heard someone cry, and he got turned about by a kind-looking Devaronian woman. “We’ve got you.”

He grabbed her hand weakly. “Tell them…” he whispered. “Tell them that the Hunting Owls did our duty. Tell them… we fought. To the end. To the fucking end. Do what we did. No surrender next time. No more treaties of Coruscant. Till victory, or death. Tell them.”

Others had started to gather around him as his vision began to fade. He thought he heard the sound of weeping, as well as the sirens of police speeders.

“For… for Coruscant.”

*

Jessina Trell tried not to think about the squelching noises and dirty water that reached till knee-high.

At least it wasn’t coming in contact with her skin yet. She really shouldn’t have suggested the sewers. After a lot more time than she wished, she reached another ladder, and climbed out of the hole. The cover took a lot of work to push out, and when she was finally out, she had to double back as stealthily as she could.

With the armor making her stand out so badly, she had no choice but to ditch it, letting it drop back into the open sewer. Hopefully the clothes she wore underneath wouldn’t draw nearly as much attention.

She looked around; she was in an alley, and could see a never-ending stream of thugs surging towards Jaxo and the others. They were stupid. That Jedi would get them all.

She couldn’t risk getting onto the streets, she’d be caught in no time, and skulking around was a bad idea. So, she took Borod’s suggestion and began climbing. Luckily, she had been a champion freerunner until losing her crown just the previous month.

She took one look at the architecture here, and knew she was playing on easy mode. There were plenty of handholds, sturdy pipes, cables and other things she could use. She ran up a wall, then double jumped onto the windowsill. Leaping into the air, she took hold of a pipe and flipped onto it.  Then she ran along the pipe, making straight for a cable. She jumped at a run and caught it. At the peak of her swing, she let go and flipped again, catching the balcony ledge on the other side. She jumped from balcony to balcony, ignoring the trash piled in them since her feet never touched the floor.

Finally, she used another cable to get her to the building on the other side. Her destination.

She entered the building from a window, and snuck in quietly, hoping to find some nice boots before she left. It was hot here; she could feel her skin heat up.

She crept around, following her sensor to the source of the heat… and sighed when she reached it. “This is Jess,” she whispered into her comm. “No weapon here. Just some homemade furnaces. I think they’re cooking something here. Wait… I don’t believe it. They’re refining spice! Here, of all places! Looks like drastic measures to me, in response to the lockdown. I know it’s not the objective, but I’m shutting this place down. Luckily, she’d held onto her high-yield detonator. She set it for two minutes and bolted.

But just as she reached the window, she heard someone emerging from a door to the right. On instinct, she aimed her gun at the door… only to hesitate when she saw a kid standing there. No older than twelve.

But the kid had a gun, and when he noticed her hesitation, he went for it.

Jess managed to shoot it out of his hand but was too rattled at having to shoot at a kid to notice the figure emerge from the door behind her, a figure who shut her mouth with a large palm and yanked her backwards. She felt a dagger plunge deep into her back, but her scream failed to leave her throat.

Her killer let her fall, and she saw another kid, this time around fifteen. But from his eyes, she saw that hers wasn’t the first life he had taken.

“This is Jess… they got me. I’m sorry.”

The last thing she heard was the roar of an explosion, and an approaching wall of flame.

*

Carrick Station

Eless’iabarra fiddled with her lekku as she watched the news. She’d been deployed to Alderaan the last time her home had been attacked, and today she was caught in between deployments. Her unit should have left three hours ago, but all pending movements were put on hold in case Coruscant needed assistance. Already, four battalions’ worth of heavy troopers previously on Carrick Station had been ordered there.

There was little news from Coruscant, except for brief statements released each day.

Instead, they had to watch stations from Corellia and other worlds speculate on what was really going on.

The current anchor, Lutha Rimber. was speculating on the last press release.

“Imperial Black Ops have clashed with Republic Military and Coruscant Guards in thirty locations all over the capital. We still don’t know what they’re fighting over, or why the Empire is on the Capital, but Supreme Chancellor Janarus has, once again, refused to run while the people were trapped. Several hundred Dreadnoughts were pulled out of their respective sectors to ship cargo to the suffering citizens, and crewmen have reported that the capital is in the tightest lockdown. There haven’t been many Jedi left on Coruscant since the Sacking five years ago, but there is at least one confirmed to be down there, and we now know that it was his decision to lock down the planet. The office of Supreme Commander Rans, currently supervising an uprising elsewhere, has released a statement that the Knight’s decision was the correct one, based on the info they have. The Jedi Council has likewise affirmed their support. It is the belief of this news channel that, given the many, many skirmishes taking place down there, that he was right. But this decision has had its critics, like Governor Leontyne Saresh. The esteemed Governor had this to say.”

The holo switched to a middle aged Twi’lek, perhaps a little younger than Elessia. Everybody knew Saresh. She was a controversial figure, liked and hated to extremes, with no middle ground. Most of the military hated her, thanks to her dumb decisions on Taris.

“People of the Republic. While I do not want to cast doubt on our staunch defenders, the Jedi Knight leading the defense is said to be a mere teenager. The same Jedi who sent out a red alert. Children often make mistakes; children often act rashly. I agree that flareups and skirmishes are troubling. But is it worth locking down a world with over a trillion citizens? The people down there are suffering as supplies start to run out. It’s been two weeks now. Two weeks! I say it’s time to end the lockdown and send in all Outer Rim fleets to wipe out the Imperial presence. It’s time for the Jedi to step aside, and the real heroes of the Republic—the common soldiers—to step into the light.”

Elessia snorted. Send in all the Outer Rim fleets? This was why Saresh wasn’t taken seriously by the soldiers. What did she think would happen if any worlds were left undefended? The Empire was striking at their capital! Did she think they wouldn’t exploit a gap in their defenses, never mind hundreds of systems being left to fend for themselves? The Republic would never be able to take them back.

“Erm, this just in,” Lutha said. “We’re getting reports of a live broadcast about to start, one from Supreme Commander Rans himself.”

It took several minutes for the “Good morning, everyone. As you may have surmised, this broadcast is in response to the esteemed opinion of the very esteemed Governor Saresh. Pardon my bluntness, but it’s been a difficult fortnight. You don’t know what you are talking about. Let me reiterate that, for our own security, we are not broadcasting everything we know. I said I stand by this Jedi’s decision, and I mean it. No matter what his age is, his decision was sound. In addition, suggesting we strip our outer rim systems of all their defenses is asinine at best. It will be an open invitation for the Empire to come in and take them. What, you don’t think they will? They’re on the capital right now! The Treaty is one bad breath away from falling apart! I understand that everyone’s worried, but I humbly request everyone, including the very esteemed Governor Saresh, to keep their opinions to themselves for now. We can’t have panic, and we don’t want to deal with misguided patriots clamoring to jump onto stupid bandwagons. A time will come when we release more information about what’s happening down there; a time when we can discuss everything happened down there. What went wrong, who made the mistakes, who needs to be held responsible. But that time is not now. When it does come, you will all realize that this young Jedi has acted admirably. Much more so than people who act like they’re experts when they’re really not. I further request news stations to not provide a platform to such people for the time being.”

There was ear-shattering applause from the entire cantina to hear Rans taking off his kiddy-gloves for once. “To Supreme Commander Rans!” Eless’iabarra called.

“To Rans! Nice job, you smooth, magnificent bastard!”

“And to the Jedi, young or not!”

“To Coruscant.”

“To a wiped-out Empire!”

Everyone raised their glasses, and for a moment there was solidarity among the soldiers, who had all realized the most important thing the Supreme Commander had let slip. The war might be about to reignite.

*

[honeybee-0]

grown f*cking man

TW: s*xual assault, r*pe.

Hi. 2.5 years after being sexually assaulted multiple times by the same man & now 17 days away from my wedding to my best friend, I am finally allowing myself to process my trauma. God does trauma just pick the worst timing.

This is something I am terrified to talk about out loud very much. Not bc I don't think people will believe me (thankfully), but because the reaction I feel in my own body when I talk about it is just more than I can handle at the moment.

I just need to post somewhere that feels safe & semi-anonymous. Anyway, here's a poem I wrote. It's ok if no one reads this. I just need to scream into the void for a while.

Though, if you're reading this & know me irl.... it was a guy B who graduated our high school in 2012 & had a sister M who graduated with me in 2014... I am not afraid to drop names in DMs.

Went to the doctor the other day

For a pain I couldn’t explain

All that I knew

Is it felt like a fist

Was squeezing my insides

Til they split in two

She said maybe it’s this

Maybe it’s that

You could see this specialist

To rule out some disease, 

But we didn’t know

That in fact.

It was just you.

You & what you chose to do

To me & my body

I never knew you could be this cruel.

My therapist sat with me in shock.

Helped me breath through the pain

I thought my heart would stop

She told me you should be in jail

When I finally said the words out loud.

I shook in fear

When she asked me to picture

How I’d feel if I saw you in a crowd.

I thought you knew better 

You’re a grown fucking man

Thought your heart was soft

But instead you kept going 

til I finally got the guts to push you off.

You made me hate a part of myself that I held so close.

You made my life a living hell.

You should be in a prison cell.

I don’t know why, but I still wish you well…

My boyfriend hates you

My mom fucking hates you

My dad fucking hates you

My friends fucking hate you

I fucking hate you

I fucking hate you

I fucking hate you

So why does it make me feel guilty?

I thought you knew better 

You’re a grown fucking man

Oh god, do I hate you

You & what you chose to do

As soon as I was alone with you

I swear to God I’ll fucking sue

You’ll always be that person who

Tore my body into two

You 

perverted 

selfish 

disgusting 

scum

Ripped me to shreds 

just so you could cum

You nasty motherfucker

I thought you’d be a lover

Not a devil undercover

I fucking hate you

I fucking hate you

I fucking hate you

.....

No thanks to you, 

I’m healing. 

No thanks to you,

I’ll be ok.

I wrote you a letter

Putting this shit on blast

Unsure if I’ll send it

But it gave me release that will last.

At the end of the day

All I really have to say

Is I hope you never experience this kind of pain.

And also.

My boyfriend hates you

My mom fucking hates you

My dad fucking hates you

My friends fucking hate you

I fucking hate you

I fucking hate you

I fucking hate you

Fuck you fuck you fuck you.

[jodilin65]

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1997 Today’s been a fun and pretty active day.

I’ve been playing new games with the kittens. I go down into the pool and sneak up to the edges with an object that they try to catch. Also, I’ve been throwing balls around both down in the pool and up on the patio.

I got a kick out of Tom earlier, who got the back room looking nice again till he trashes it again. He said he wanted to show me how he and the bird play and how the bird bobs his head up and down along with him. The bird wasn’t bobbing his head in a game. The bird was scared shitless! I asked him, “That’s your game? Scaring the shit out of the bird that you think is really playing?”

It was pretty funny, though.

Tom trimmed 3 inches off my hair last night. It looks so much more even and much healthier. However, if it ends up uneven again - fine. I’m not gonna keep cutting it up to the crack of my ass like I just did. Different hair shafts grow faster than others and I suspect that my sides have pretty much had their growth stunted. They don’t move at all compared to the back.

According to Tom, our niece Pam, the one that’s a loser with the 3-year-old spoiled brat, may have ripped us off. All couples, except for us, got lamps. We have enough lamps, but still, if you have to rip off one of your own family members, that’s low. She probably chose us cuz we’re childless and therefore, she figures we’re not as needy as the others. She was said to have been seen leaving with a lot of stuff. Too much stuff. These are the types of scum God loves to impregnate!

Andy’s in crisis again. I swear, we’ve totally swapped lives. Now he’s got a lot of problems, rather than one or two issues. He called 3 times, but there was only one message from him. He said he really needed to talk, but wouldn’t get into what was wrong. I had gotten up, though, when he said he was due in at work. I left him a message. I’m sure it’s over someone ripping him off at work, at home (he’s got another druggie roommate, Laura’s male friend), his loneliness, or his wanting pot if he hasn’t smoked it already.

No therapy for him, unfortunately. He was looking forward to that, but they lied to him and told him he could get more free hours than he really could. See, he’s in the same predicament I am, in a sense. He can’t get what would “fix” his life, so to speak. What he wants/needs is love, and to be around clean, honest people. But he can’t have that love and I don’t think he wants to be around clean people. Even he admitted to me that he’s attracted to druggies, but now that he’s cleaned up, maybe he’ll feel differently. And maybe he’ll attract clean people easier, too, cuz clean people typically want other clean people.

Anyway, since he can’t get what he really wants, he goes for the next best thing; he wants me to be there for him by phone for an hour or more every day, and that just can’t be, but whatever’s going on with him, I hope it isn’t too bad. I hope he’s not really miserable or anything like that.

So far, it appears this New Year’s Eve is to be a freeloader-free one. Now I’m back to thinking that maybe there hasn’t been someone over there every day, cuz last night there were no lights on. There are no lights on over there now, either, but earlier, the father stopped over for a bit. At least that’s who we think it was. The car’s still in the same spot. Right now, it’s so peaceful out as far as dogs go, but not by the end of the weekend. By the time the weekend’s out, the dog and the assholes will be back and the early evening hours will be filled with that fucking beast’s barking. Well if it is, the wee hours of the nights that I’m up, will be filled with all kinds of racket on my part! It’s a two-way street around here from now on.

I typed up and sealed in an envelope that we won’t open till next year at this time, my predictions for 1998. It’s basically gonna be a still year. I don’t know if I’ll return to smoking or if the freeloaders will be gone that year for sure, but here’s what I do know: neither of us will go to a doctor in regard to our sex lives and my sterility. The sex will be basically the same. I think that we’ll both be used to and OK with having sex in spurts, and with him cumming on the average of every two weeks to two months. I know how he really feels about a kid, but I see this as being a year where I really learn to live with and accept having no child and to even focus on its pros.

I see that we’ll still be living here and that Tom will still be at the bank. His mother will live through this year.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1997 Last night really sucked. I was really depressed. Tom reminded me that millions of other women can’t have kids and that they just live with it. And also, not getting pregnant for years, for those who can, isn’t uncommon. True. Or else people’s kids wouldn’t be so spaced out, but instead, there are usually years between siblings. You only have 12 days you’re fertile unless you’re like me and have some problem, out of a 365-day year. So, unless a guy can/will cum several days in a row around the right time, getting pregnant will take years. People don’t usually have sex consistently on a daily basis, so hitting that right 24-hour period in a whole month’s time, isn’t so likely.

Tom said that he was sorry if he seemed hard on me. Then he wanted sympathy for his hurt toe (didn’t I say something always hurts him?) and I told him to try having sympathy for a woman who can’t have a child. He said he does, it tears him up inside, if he could change it he would, etc. Yeah well, he can’t change it. If I’m right, something’s wrong/deformed within my uterus, and there’s nothing he or any specialist can do. God made sure of that. I just have to trust that God isn’t just trying to punish me and inflict pain upon me by denying me a child and that he did the right thing. After all, I’d have only been an incompetent, abusive mother, supposedly. I must put my foot down once and for all and just live with my sterility and quit trying to change/control my weight, our sex lives, etc. I have to just accept the fact that I tried, but I can’t lose weight, can’t change our sex lives, can’t change my sterility, and that I’m just wasting my time if I try to fight it. This guy will hardly cum. I’m sterile. I must let things be however they’re gonna be. That’s all I can do anyway. I don’t want to have such a hard, miserable life and another 4 years or more dwelling on how I can never have a kid. I can’t help my feelings, but at the same time, I’ve got to turn my feelings off any way I can so I can go on living. I want to live in peace, not feeling a gap in my life for as long as I live. All my life, there’s always been some issue that eats at me for years. Yeah? Well, no more!!

Later…

My opinions about what’s going on next door have fluctuated, but right now, I’d say they can’t be that afraid, cuz it looks like they’re trying to catch a certain person that sent them some “hate mail.” It seems that they’re trying to make it seem that the house is empty, but they’re doing a bad job of it. I’d say, though, that the car, that’s been sitting in the same spot for days now, is bait, and due to the fact that he’s obviously some kind of car dealer, he can use other cars. That’s probably why he was in that white thing. She strikes me as the type to get pissed off at such mail and eager to stay around and catch whoever’s behind it, rather than the type to run scared. But then why’d she call the cops? Maybe the cops had nothing to do with the letter after all but had something to do with him, cuz he definitely hasn’t been here every day like the bitch has.

Even though I have a million reasons to hate God, I thank him for this second temporary absence of the dog. If it were over there now, it’d be obnoxious at this hour, but cuz it’s not, all’s peaceful. I shall enjoy it while it lasts, but hey, they’ll be hearing me, too.

Now Tom’s not sure if this bird’s a she. He says that Tweety may be a he, but who really cares either way?

I had to stop taking the Dexatrim, cuz after just 3 hours of sleep I’d wake up, then have a hard time falling back to sleep. It was also making me a bit more nervous/moody. It said that this could happen, too. Also, I cut my food intake in half, if not more, only to gain two goddamn pounds. Something up there does not want me to lose weight. Fuck it, like I said. I give up on everything - the weight, the sleeping with him (he’ll just have to sleep on the couch if he’s sleeping when I am), the sex and the kid. I have no choice anyway, cuz God made those choices for me.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 29, 1997 How smooth of him. I tell him we can have fun anytime, as long as he doesn’t play his mid-cycle games cuz he’s a scaredy-cat who also loves to tease, and he says he doesn’t want the pressure of having to count days and look on calendars to see if he’d be “risking it.” In other words, he says he doesn’t want to make sure he knows when I’m mid-cycle, then have to be paranoid about my blaming him if the sex “doesn’t work out.” So, he’s trying to cover himself. However, if he’d just admit his fears, instead of making sure he doesn’t get in there, we’d have no problem. We live together. I can’t hide when I get my period, and therefore, I can’t hide when I’m mid-cycle. The guy’s not stupid, either. For the first couple of years, he avoided me during mid-cycle, but now, it seems he’ll do anything to lure me into sex during those times, cuz I really believe he does enjoy teasing me, but at the same time he’s scared to deal with the responsibility of my either losing a child or having one. It’s like he has no empathy or compassion for what I’m going through. Then again, how could any man or woman that’s had kids, even begin to understand my situation? I thought it might be best if I made up excuses where we couldn’t have sex during those times, but then I’d be just as guilty as he is of not coming totally clean, even though I know I can’t ever conceive. Who knows? Maybe this fear of my conceiving he’s got really is a subconscious thing for him and he doesn’t know it.

We did have a good time shopping together. I kind of regret going to the mall, though, cuz it was almost like a Friday night there! It was mobbed with people looking for after-Christmas deals and kids on vacation.

Tom got what was his Christmas present from me that he’s been looking for. It’s a hair-cutting thing. You hook it to a vacuum and it sucks up the hair and cuts the amount that you set it to cut. Tom really likes it. Speaking of hair things, he said I should try the hair removal system again and that it’s now in stores everywhere, so it can’t be that much of a rip-off. Well, it is. It’s total bullshit.

We also got a new colorful comforter with pastel colors mostly and a matching sheet set.

At Office Max, I got fluorescent multi-colored computer paper, and a small notepad of fluorescent multi-colored paper, a cactus mouse pad, and a box of a dozen of my favorite pens. They didn’t have purple in stock, so I got blue.

Boy, this bird is pretty animated tonight. Not with chirping. She chirps very little. But I guess she’s filing her beak now.

Andy has a therapy appointment today, so I’m sure he’ll leave me 2-3 full messages about it. I do want to hear about it, but not for that long!

What the fuck was that? Was that the black bitch yelling? Anyway, I don’t know what the fuck’s up with them. Yes, it does seem that no one’s moved the gray car he’s been driving, but then where is he? Why’s he driving the white car (if it’s really him driving it)? Why would you move out, get a different car, and leave your old one where you moved from? That is if he did move out. He couldn’t have gone too far, cuz he’s been showing up at least every few days. I’m sure he, his dog, and his music will be back to stay anytime from now till the 1st. Tom said he doubts New Year’s Eve will be rocking over there, but wouldn’t be surprised if there was activity over there on New Year’s Day. If he’s in the picture there will be. Anyhow, I think that at least the bitch has been there. Tom said that last night every single light was on, then they were off later at night. So, I don’t know if they’re scared of the letter or if the cops had anything to do with the letter or what. I’ve heard weird sounds like they could be moving/packing sounds, but right now, I’d say that she’s not going anywhere and that loverboy and doggie shall return any second. Maybe his not moving that car is a plant. They could know that they don’t have enough evidence to take me to court, and are using the white one while they hope to maybe catch me on tape doing something to the gray one. Who knows? All I know is that if they’re a problem with noise, I’ll be a problem with noise and more if I don’t beat their asses.

Drinking those wine coolers really makes me relax. In fact, they make me sort of drowsy, so maybe they’ll help me sleep when I can’t, and even get on schedule when I need to or want to. The Benadryl helps, too.

Andy says I’m swapping one addiction for another. First of all, I don’t see how 1-2 little bottles a day could hook me. And even if it did - better to be hooked on that than hooked on cigarettes. Especially when you’ve got asthma. And someone with no job, no kids, and who doesn’t drive, doesn’t need to worry as much. Lastly, if I can quit smoking, I can quit anything.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 1997 I finally got a hold of Paula, but I will never ever talk to her again with that kid there. First, she interrupts me a million times to scream and threaten it, then she puts me on hold forever, but I just hung up at that point. She’s such a ditz!

I’m in a rather numb kind of mood right now. Destiny struck today and if he’d just get off from the 9th to the 12th, I could show him I really am sterile, but he just won’t do that! He’s just too scared and too determined to fight me with this issue. I told him this and he said, “Then let’s go for it.” Yeah, right! You know how many times he’s said that and got cold feet and just had to play games instead? I told him I know he won’t go for it. I know he’s too scared. In fact, I’m just not gonna bother to go near him when I’m mid-cycle. That way I don’t have to worry about him doing something he’s terrified of and would rather not do, and I don’t have to play his games with him. He’s only gonna be struck with sudden amnesia and “forget” how to get in there. He won’t even go inside me then, and he’ll just make up some lame excuse for why he didn’t, like the angle or something like that (after mid-cycle and on up to now, he’s had no problems getting in there).

I had said that maybe it’d be best to go to a doctor just to prove my point to Tom about the sterility, so we’d have one less thing to disagree on, but you know what? I am so fucking sick and tired of trying to be normal. First, it was being dragged to Boston to make me a normal ear, then it was me trying to be a normal child who was accepted and loved, not betrayed and rejected, and now I’m supposed to see a doctor to inquire about a normal reproductive system? I don’t fucking think so!

I’m just so fucking sick of trying for what’s supposed to come naturally and be normal. If I can’t sleep with my husband, fine, cuz I’m not gonna keep trying. We just won’t sleep together. And I’m not gonna “try” to get pregnant. First off, I can’t get pregnant. And secondly, I shouldn’t have to belittle myself by having to “try” for something like that.

Tom said he was disappointed with how December went. Well, he doesn’t show it, I told him. He said he doesn’t show his emotions like I do. Oh. OK. Then I had a moment where I must’ve lost my mind, cuz I thought that the only way for me to get up the guts to defy God and see a doctor I shouldn’t be seeing, would be by Tom’s strength like it was his strength that got me through the ear surgery and the not smoking, but what for? Just to be told what I already know - that I can’t have a child? Just for him to fight the doctors along the way and maybe even put a guilt trip on me about the whole thing? He don’t want to cum regularly. He don’t want sex full-time. He don’t want no kid. And God’s totally on his side.

As for the cigarettes, oh I miss them so much! I don’t know if I can go much longer without smoking. I am getting so much closer to breaking down and going back to smoking. I even had Tom get me a wine cooler to relax me yesterday (I’ve completed the 12 weeks of the gum).

Later…

I just freaked out a bit and had Tom get me some more of that berry-flavored wine cooler. I almost had him get me cigarettes. I mean, why should it be so important for me to breathe well? Why should I worry about disappointing him when he’s let me down, too? Anyway, I decided I’d get something that’d relax me, rather than something that’d make it hard for me to breathe. I could get used to a few glasses of wine a day. Better that than cigarettes, I guess. Especially when you have asthma.

In Freeloader news, it looks like no one’s been staying there regularly. The dog’s still not there, but his car has been parked deep in the carport and has appeared not to be moved as if he hasn’t been around. The reason Tom thinks he isn’t around is cuz of how deep he parked in the carport, which is pretty inconvenient. Well, he’s afraid for that car. He probably felt better with it more hidden and like he stood a better chance of boxing in and catching anyone that may fuck with it.

I was just beginning to wonder if he wasn’t arrested shortly after the pigs showed up over there, or if he wasn’t out of state, but he just came in in a white car of some kind that we’ve never seen before. I didn’t see anyone clearly, but who else could it be? Why he’s not driving his car, beats me, but it appears that at least two people came in to put the recycle bin out. Something you wouldn’t do at 1 PM unless you’re not staying there, as Tom pointed out. Well, they can’t be staying that far out of town to be able to come in at least every other day like what seems to be the case, so is this and the fact that the dog and patio toys are gone mean they’re moving? Cuz I don’t see how this can have anything to do with the holidays at this point. Christmas is over. They moved in slowly, so maybe they’re moving out slowly, but I won’t get my hopes up too high. It does, though, seem like they’re running from something that’s scared the shit out of them!

I began taking Dexatrim, which will hopefully be an even more effective appetite suppressant, that’ll allow me to lose weight. I’m currently at 116, so, we’ll see where it goes from here.

We went to a hardware store this morning to pick out what we like for a new cabinet/sink for the bathroom. We’re both sick of this ugly old sink that has no cabinets.

I got a couple of little cactuses, too, but don’t know where I’m gonna plant them yet. It seems that Bunny’s taken to destroying my cactuses.

Lastly, we went to a pet store and got two more little wheels for the mice, mice food, and a nice blue birdcage and a loop stand for it. He matches his cage well, but Tom says he’s a she. From what research he’s done, it’s a she over 6 months old. Whatever.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1997 I think the dog’s back. Yeah, I knew it’d be just a matter of time before he, his dog, and his music were back. He and the music haven’t returned yet, but there’s this white car I just saw and I think this is the car that’s been taking and bringing the dog. I had thought they were using trucks and thought I had heard one of those big ones that beep as you back it up and bring the dog back the last time, but maybe not.

I had wondered if his not being around much lately was cuz of the letter, but no way. First, it’s too long after the letter was sent and second, I still don’t think they contacted them. I think they’re just having a temporary spat or that he’s out of town visiting family, but he’ll be back any second. I wish I could say that that was his dog and that she never liked or wanted a dog and that they had such a bad fight that if they end up together again, it’ll be after we’ve moved.

Tweety’s uttered a few chirps, but for the most part, he’s still silent and shy.

Later…

The white car’s gone, but I don’t know yet if the dog’s back for sure. I will at sundown if it is.

Lisa and I had a quick talk and she told me something I wasn’t the least bit surprised to hear. I feel so bad for those girls. They’ve got their mother abusing them mentally and their father abusing them physically. Lisa said she’s glad Bill’s gone and hopes he and Tammy get divorced. I hope so, too. Neither of them should’ve been parents, but since God insists that almost all kids must have at least one bad parent, I hope Bill’s out of the picture for good. I’d kick his ass if I could have a few minutes with the bastard. People like him have got to go. And what about Tammy? Doesn’t she have any self-respect not to associate with anyone who could be violent to her or her kids? Doesn’t she care about the kid’s safety? For once, God gave the right person cancer. Only problem is that he forgot to kill him.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26, 1997 I guess that Jackie, Jim, Nora and Ray thought that 1 guinea pig, 1 rabbit, 3 cats, 16 mice and 30 pigeons weren’t enough, cuz we got a parakeet! David dropped him off yesterday. He’s blue, his wings are clipped, and I’ve been calling him Tweety. I may be a rodent expert, but I don’t know squat about parakeets. I tried looking them up on AOL and didn’t get shit, cuz they were giving me all kinds of different birds and mumbo jumbo. I think their lifespan is about 3-5 years. I’ll call a pet store and ask if I have to. Tom says they’re easy to care for. I don’t know just how noisy he is yet, cuz he hasn’t been here yet in the daytime and I know they’re “dayturnal.” He’s so little compared to the pigeons. The cage he’s in is OK, but I may get this cute little pink cage on a stand that I saw when we were in the pet store. In his cage, he’s got a couple of perches, seed, water, and sandpaper to file his beak down with. Guess their beaks keep growing like rodents’ teeth do. That’s why rodents chew everything they can.

David also had a dress for me that Jackie’s too big for.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25, 1997 Tom told me some big news on next door. As soon as he told me the police were there, I automatically figured it was over my prank letter. But then he told me they were there at 11:30 when he was on his way to work Tuesday night. Why would she call that late over a letter if that’s what it was about? Could she have gotten in late? Why would anyone call the police over a letter? They can’t do anything about that, especially that late, but maybe she didn’t know that if that’s what that was about.

It could also be that she and Loverboy had a spat, but according to Tom, his car wasn’t even there. Maybe they fought, then he took off before the cops arrived.

Yesterday, when we were driving in, we saw his car there. This was around noon. Tom said maybe she doesn’t know he’s there and that’s why he came over at that hour. When he knew she’d be out. Well, she knew he was there later, though. I haven’t heard any dog or music, but I peeked out and saw his car out front when I heard a voice. She sounded as pissed as she usually sounds when I hear her talking, but as old as these single-paned windows are, as close as they are, and as loud as she talks, I couldn’t make out this bitch’s words. All I know is that she spoke to him for a few minutes, then he left, and if there’s a car there now, it’s deep in the carport where I can’t see it by peering out the front.

Yesterday we went to the library, where I picked up 3 books, then we went to see Ma over at Mary’s. Unfortunately, Ma looked weak, tired, and she was very shaky. It was still nice to see her, of course, but Mary and Dave were at work.

Ma got her room there all set up with Tom’s old bed. They painted the walls pale green.

We got our presents from Ma and Mary/Dave, but Tom will have to go over to pick up our gifts from the others at some point this week. Ma said she’d bring them back to the house for us.

Anyway, Tom got a fire extinguisher, a T-shirt (like he needs any more of those as cute as this one was), and a really cool pudding pie kit. There are 4 boxes of pudding and two pie crusts.

I got a big box of microwave popcorn. There must be 15 bags. A puzzle that’s two puzzles in one, so when I finish it, I’ll have to flip it over so I can see the mystery puzzle on the back. And lastly, another cat journal, but if I had to get a duplicate, at least it’s a nice one to be duplicated.

Tom’s gonna make copies of a tape he made of a Christmas get-together from when he was about 12.

Later…

Today’s been a fun and relaxing day so far. It’s a good thing I’ve only got a few days till I begin dieting, cuz I’m gonna need to! At 119 pounds, it’s time to try to change fate here, but I accept that there’s always the possibility that I won’t be able to.

We screwed early in the morning and as I figured, no problems getting inside. I’m due for my period any second now.

We mostly spent the day reading. I wrote, listened to music, and worked on my puzzle, too.

Bunny, the cats, Measles, and other birds are outside. I fed them, the pig and mice.

The doorbell rang at noon. I didn’t think it was Miss Bitch in regard to the letter on Christmas Day and a few days after getting the damn thing, and it wasn’t. It was David. He stopped to give us our gifts from them and from Carol and Steven, as they were on their way to Jackie and Jim’s.

We got a star with a face in it that you hang, and a decorative birdcage with a bird in it on a perch. It’s small, at only a few inches square.

Tom’s napping now till I get him up at 5:00. He has to go in to work tonight. He had last night off, though.

It’s been quiet around here. The assholes haven’t been home, I don’t think, cuz I haven’t heard anything. No kids have been out to use the basketball hoop. It’s pretty chilly out there, although I don’t think kids would care.

I forgot to mention that the toys that have been on their front patio for ages next door are gone. Tom said that maybe she reported a prowler that night and took the toys in. I doubt it. The more I think about it, the more I think this calling the cops and taking the toys in, has to do with my letter. On the other hand, I didn’t think she’d get scared enough to call cops and pull in toys. Mad, yes, but scared, I didn’t think so.

I’m utterly amazed that the dog hasn’t been there and again I wonder why. Well, if they gave the dog up for any reason, although I doubt that and am sure it’ll be back, I wonder if she’ll get another dog if she’s this scared over the letter?

Anyhow, the library book I got is so good, so I want to get back to it. Will write more later.

Later…

A little while ago I heard music and was thinking that they figure it’s me behind the letter, so they’re blasting me out. Along with God’s punishment to me and him letting me know a “change” is due and the dog will be back soon enough. Then when I didn’t see any car pull in, I realized it could very well be some car across the street. Lots of houses across the street have lots of cars parked in front. And also, it’s too quiet over there. If they had pulled in, they’d be out playing ball, talking, barbecuing, whatever. I know these people don’t like colder weather, but they would on my behalf. Well, Tom will let me know if there’s a car there when he leaves for work in a few hours. But just in case someone is over there, I don’t want to be seen spying after that letter. That could freak her out into doing something crazy, like shooting at the house.

At this point I really wonder - are these people ever gonna move? Or am I stuck with them till we move?

Later…

Awesome! Oh, how totally awesome! From out back I can see a basketball hoop in the yard where the guard dogs live two houses down. I’m so glad it’s there and not out front and I hope to hell it stays there! This way I shouldn’t hear it like I’d hear it out front cuz the ball’s gonna bounce onto the grass. I’m amazed that they didn’t put it out front, but I won’t complain! Just please God, let them keep it there! This should also deter them from using next door’s hoop, although if God really wants to replace them with other kids, he can and will.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1997 I slept forever last night! And of course, I woke up at the exact same weight I went to bed at. I just have no metabolism whatsoever. I just ate a TV dinner and naturally, I’m still starving, feeling as if I didn’t eat a thing. Most of the time, waking up is hard cuz I wake up so damn hungry, that I almost feel sick. I guess my body’s making up for all those years I ate like a bird and would be full for hours after just a few bites and it’s gonna be so hard to stick to my New Year’s resolution! I’m gonna be so hungry! And on top of severe hunger pains, I have to exercise like hell, but at least I can breathe.

Later…

I guess no one came to the door after all, regarding a certain letter. Of course, I still don’t know if anyone was over there yesterday to get it in the first place.

Tom will be in any minute now and later this morning, we’ll be going to see Mom who’s over at Mary’s. We’ll be bringing the Christmas gifts and they’ll bring them to Jackie and Jim’s. That’s where they’re doing Christmas this year.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1997 That we know of, no car’s been next door since it left on Sunday. However, at least the bitch has been there, cuz Tom said that there were lights on over there when he left in the evening to go to work on Sunday, and they were off when he came in the next morning. Maybe that’s why I could’ve sworn I heard a car door early yesterday morning. It was the bitch’s ride.

It seems perfectly logical to say that the absence of both him and the dog is due to the holidays, but it still makes no sense to take the dog with him (assuming he’s the one out of town). Why not have her or someone they know come to feed the dog? And if he went somewhere to visit family, why didn’t she go too? Maybe she has to work, or maybe they did break up, but I doubt that. I’m sure he and the dog will be back before the New Year. And with him in the picture, I hate to see how New Year’s Eve is gonna be around here. I think I’ll be asleep for New Year’s Eve, though. That is until the fireworks throughout the city wake me.

Today the bitch will get her letter and I know damn well she’ll come knocking on the door about it, so I won’t even bother to answer. On the other hand, maybe I should, cuz that’d be my excuse to pop her. I just hope she doesn’t take me to court and that God will get me for it in other ways (as if a life without a child isn’t enough). If she does, though, that’ll be fine cuz what happened when Stacey and the butch took me to court will happen - nothing.

Tom did an excellent job with molding roses. He didn’t get powder stuck in his molds, either, like I did.

Kim left a message just wanting to wish me a happy Chanukah and to say hi.

Ma emailed me saying they got their gift and loved it and that they’ll be lighting the first Chanukah candle tonight and hopes I will, too. Jewish holidays always begin at sundown on the previous day. I told Tom I thought it’d be a silly waste of time lighting candles, but he says it’s fun, so it won’t hurt me to do it.

Later…

I’m waiting for my TV dinner, so I won’t say much at this point. Just that I’m still torn between doing nothing about the fact that I can’t have a kid, and going to a doctor and hearing it from an expert. It’s just that I got to thinking about how Tammy said she and Bill always disagree. Well, if Tom heard it from an expert that I was sterile since he doesn’t want to find that out the old-fashioned way, then that’ll be one less thing for us to argue about. Also, I couldn’t claim he was too scared to prove me right or wrong about the sterility if a doctor verified I couldn’t conceive for sure.

On the other hand, I know the truth. Therefore, it shouldn’t matter what he thinks or does.

Later…

I just talked to Kim. The temperature there wasn’t too bad when we spoke, but it was in the process of snowing!

I’ve been trying to reach Paula for a few weeks, but there’s never an answer there. Her phone still exists and I’ve been leaving messages, but who knows what’s up with her?

I wish I could make myself invisible, as well as anywhere I wanted to be at the snap of my fingers. If I could do that, I’d be silently laughing in the corner of their living room next door while they read my letter. If only I could be there to see their reaction.

I can picture her being too pissed off to read it through right away. She may need time to get through a letter like this. I can also picture her stomping up and down and yelling, “It’s her next door! I just know it is!”

As for him, he’d probably calmly read it out loud, in the midst of her screaming, with a baffled expression. It won’t piss him off, though. Not like it’ll piss her off. I know this won’t scare them, but that’s OK, cuz I wanted to piss them off more. Just like they pissed me off. He’ll be pissed and confused. She’ll be pissed. Real pissed!

Anne and Harry - another one that says they’ll write and send pictures, but then doesn’t. It was around this time last year that Ma (Anne) told me she’d send pictures and a letter, but I never got it. Anyway, I sent them a letter. I hope I hear from them this time, but I won’t count on it. At least I know that they’ll read my letter and enjoy hearing from me.

10 AM

I went to call Tammy, but there was no answer. Then I called Larry’s house. No answer. Then I called Larry’s work and was told he’d gone to Florida. So I called my folks. Mom and Dad were there, but Larry, Sandy, and Jen had just left to go shopping.

I wished my folks a Happy Chanukah and told them to tell that to the others, too. Dad said it was hot and humid. I wish it was warm here, but he can have the humidity.

So what are they doing down there, anyway? I thought Larry had basically decided to just stick to occasional phone calls with them, but nothing more since he wasn’t too happy with them. I also thought the trip to Florida would bring back hurtful memories since he and Larry traveled those roads a lot. And lastly, I thought Sandy couldn’t stand Ma.

Well, hopefully, they’ll enjoy their vacation there.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 1997 It’s a cold, damp, rainy night, as I write this. It rained all day yesterday and it’s still at it. There was really loud thunder just as I was drifting off to sleep.

Tom and I figured that next door and their dog had to be gone somewhere for the holidays. I was all set to enjoy the peace till their return, but when I got up at 11 PM and looked outside, I saw that the car wasn’t there where I could see it. So, it’s back to the dog and having to listen to the music till I get so fed up again that I wish I could pummel the shit out of Blackie.

Yesterday was a great day and if there was ever a day to be thankful to God for my gift of having a built-in birth control system, it was yesterday. It was fun, different, and a day we could never have had if there had been a kid in the picture. Yeah, I can accept how I am and yeah, I’d say having no kid suits me well after all.

We went at 7 AM to K-Mart’s and spent nearly $300. Most of it was stuff we got for us. He only got an indoor TV antenna that I can remember, but I got lots of things.

We got another box fan, which is a little louder than the last one we got, so now each room has a fan.

For clothes, I got 6 pairs of white socks, a pink satin nightie with spaghetti straps, and a velvety, leopard print short/shirt set. It’s actually something you wear more around the house. The shorts are very short and the top is a tank top.

Got a new laundry basket, too.

I got almost 1000 cute little stickers to decorate my written journals and envelopes, and I gave a few of the holiday ones to Nickolena, Jennifer (Pam’s kid), and Jen (Larry’s kid). I also got those mini stampers that stamp things like palm trees, lips, arrows, paws, etc., each in a different color.

Got two puzzles and another set of 4 curved tubes.

Got 6 very nice journals that are the best I’ve gotten yet at such a bargain price.

Lastly, unless I’m forgetting anything else, I got a high-tech straightening iron. This one’s got a mist in it so as not to be so damaging to the hair as the dry heat is. It also has a comb that you can use if you want to.

For the family, our main theme ended up being lights and puzzles. The younger kids basically got puzzles, the older ones got computer stuff, and the adults mainly got motion sensors with lights and stuff like that.

Later…

I’m keeping my ears peeled now and we’ll see if the shithead comes in for lunch or not. Tom said the car was gone when he left for work at 7:30 last night, and it was gone at 11:00 when I checked, and when he got in at 4:30. So his car didn’t stay there overnight, and I still haven’t heard the dog. Give it time, though. The beast and the music will return. God, this is the longest I’ve had the same asshole neighbors! Well, these assholes are gonna get some lovely mail.

Speaking of assholes, well, that’s Bill for you, and I always said I didn’t like him. Tammy left a message, so I called and asked what was wrong and she told me she and Bill are separated. She said she wasn’t ready to get into it, but it’s basically about his cheating and cutting her down, I guess. She said something about having no freedom in her own home, being made to feel worthless, having not been happy for years, his not being at Lisa’s concert, and the fact that they just never agree (I know that Tammy’s not easy to live with or get along with, either). She said that if she says it’s rainy, he says it’s sunny. I’m both surprised and not surprised that they’re separated. I’m not surprised, cuz most relationships end or have serious troubles. I am surprised since it took 11 years. I thought that since they were together that long, they’d stick it out forever. If there’s any good in being different and of unique qualities like I am, it’s knowing that our marriage won’t fail (cuz it’s the norm for most of them to fail).

So, Bill’s at his parents’ house. They’re now at their house in Florida.

Anyway, I let Tammy know that I’m there for her if she needs to talk. I sent her a note that’ll hopefully cheer her up.

Ma sent home with Tom some really beautiful hand-painted plates. There are two bowls with roses, two floral plates, and one seashell-type plate. I can’t remember the name of it. Anyway, we’ll probably get some plate hangers for them.

I molded a couple of bunnies with that clay and baked them. Tom said they came out great for my first time, but they need work as far as I’m concerned. This clay is hard, so you really have to knead it to soften it up. We had no talcum powder to dust the molds with to make pulling the clay out of it easier, so I used pussy powder. A medicated powder that freshens you up down there when you’re ragging.

It’s a ghost town in the mice’s cages now since they’re more nocturnal. Most of them are now asleep in various burrows.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1997 Yesterday, Tom said he wondered if the car moved at all from next door on Friday. I hope it sits there all weekend and blocks the basketball hoop, I told him. Well, I did sleep just fine yesterday and got up while he was still asleep, so I’ll have to ask him if he heard their dog or if he heard or saw the car leave. It’s out there now, though. I had had an intermittent vibe about some change taking place around this time. It is weird that suddenly the dog appears to be gone and the car just sits there. Maybe the dog attacked him, so they shot it, and he’s in the hospital. Don’t I wish! I just wish they’d move the fuck on and get out of here.

I was up for a little while before I’d completed my sleep, actually. I got up to pee and saw that there were two packages from Kim, and I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep without seeing what was in them first. One had two little house mouse pictures. Fittingly, I put them in back of the mice’s aquarium. There was also a 3-D picture in a glass frame (the glass broke, but I won’t tell her that), and vanilla-scented lotion. This was really nice of her to send and I shall thank her right away, of course.

Later…

I’m amazed that Andy hasn’t called yet.

See? My husband really can be such a liar and a procrastinator. He promised he’d tackle the back room this weekend, but he has yet to touch it. I thought my not smoking was supposed to motivate him. Or was that just another one of his lies to get me to do something he wants?

When Tom was picking up Christmas gifts for his family yesterday, he got a little cordless pump. We were able to drain the last few inches of water that was left in the pool and Jacuzzi.

He also got a couple of push molds. One’s of roses and leaves, one’s of bunnies. He also got pink and green clay. However, I can’t do much with these now, cuz we need talcum powder to dust the molds with so that they don’t stick. These are very small molds, but they’re cute.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20, 1997 Maybe Tom really can count my cycle better than I can. At least for this month. He says I’m due for my period on the 28th. I had thought it was due on Christmas, but I sure as hell don’t feel like my period’s just 5 days away. And also, what luck with the tits! For the last several months, my tits were murderous after just 1-2 weeks after my period, but this month they’re virtually free of soreness. I wonder why?

Watch - if we screw this weekend, Tom will have no problem at least getting in there, since he knows it’s the wrong time for a fertile woman to catch anything. Well, he’s not gonna be the only liar in this household from now on. He’ll say he wants the kid he doesn’t want. Meanwhile, I’ll be saying I don’t want the kid I do want. Maybe that’ll be the only way to get him to curb his games and for me to deal with it and avoid another 4 years of this bullshit.

I liked the form that Bob enclosed in his letter to me today that says: Every day of my life I’m forced to add another name to the list of people who just piss me the fuck off! Then there is a cartoon character looking angry and numbers 1-5 with lines next to them for that list. I think this ought to go to the freeloaders, along with their letter.

My schedule is about the worst it can be for a weekend with the people that live around here. Between all the door slamming and probable ball games that’ll occur, who knows just how peacefully I’ll sleep?

I still haven’t heard the dog and he’s still parking in front of the carport like he does in the winters. If the dog’s still there, and I don’t see how it couldn’t be there, I’ll know it by the next time I go to bed for sure, which will be around noon. I’m sure it’s just cuz of my schedule, that’s the reason why I haven’t heard it. The music would be more of a problem than it has been (at least that I’ve been aware of) if the dog were gone. And of course, you never know if Tom’s been leveling with me as far as what he may have heard.

Maybe he didn’t leave at 7 AM yesterday after all. His car was there when I looked at 8:30, all the way till I crashed, which was close to noon.

Later…

Now I really, really wonder if the dog’s gone. It seems to be gone, cuz it’s just been too quiet. No early evening fits. No breakfast time fits. On weekends I’d hear it more cuz the assholes are home more then.

If the dog’s gone - why? I really wonder. Why?

We screwed earlier and yup - no problem getting in there. No problem getting in on the side, no problem getting in up top. We really ought to screw more often before and after my period.

Tom brought up an interesting possibility. Could the dramatic decrease in nicotine be why my tits are less sore? I never heard anything about nicotine causing tit soreness. Only caffeine and pregnancy, but I’ll never have to worry about that one now, will I?

I was laughing my ass off at the thought of a certain Christmas gift for his family, not that we’d ever get any such thing. My family would’ve gotten a kick out of it, though. I’m talking about puke. Fake puke made out of a rubbery plastic. My folks, Larry, Tammy, Nana, Pa, and I, were once fooling around with a piece of puke like that one Chanukah night when I was around 8 years old.

I remember a glass of wine you couldn’t drink from, too. The liquid was inside the bottom and sides of the glass.

Tom told me the fly in the ice cube was popular when he was about that age (right around when I was born), but I’ve never heard of it.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1997 I really wonder now, if the dog’s not gone from next door. This is due to how he’s parked his car in front of the carport for the last few days, and the fact that I’ve heard no barking. Tom said he heard “soft whimpering” that sounded close by, though, but he wouldn’t tell me if it was next door; said he didn’t know. I’m pretty sure it was next door, though, and that he knew it. He’s tried to weasel out of admitting next door’s dog was doing certain barking fits, by saying that it was close, or in that direction.

Cuz of my schedule, I can’t say how the music’s been cuz I haven’t been up when he comes in for lunch or at the end of his day.

The fact that the weekend is now here really stresses me out, cuz you never know what they’re gonna do, or who’s gonna think about playing ball.

We’re gonna be getting an inkjet printer and a flatbed scanner and getting rid of this dot matrix printer that’s so old.

Right now, this lady who’s fortunate enough to have music and art come to her naturally still isn’t feeling as fortunate as she’d like to over the fact that never getting pregnant comes to her naturally as well. God really went all out not just to make me unique, different, and abnormal, he went all out to see to it that I’m just such a naturalist in so many ways. I always did say, after all, that the rarer something is, the easier it comes to me, and the more common it is, the harder it is to do or obtain. Well, I guess all I can do is remind myself that we all want what we can’t have at some point in our lives. If I hadn’t wanted a kid or didn’t care either way, we’d have had that, but then I’d be wishing for something else. Had our sex lives been normal, I’d just wish for something different, something unique.

To my utter amazement, Andy went a few days without calling me. Then he said something about it being “several” days since we talked, in a way that implied that it had been weeks. He knows I’m more tied up on weekends and hate to talk then, so he’ll make it a point to call, I’m sure. God, if you won’t send him Mr. Right for him, please do so for me. That’d get him off my case somewhat if his attention could be tied up in a guy.

I felt bad about going off on him when he was all panicked about his pot desires (he’s been clean for a month). I didn’t mean for my best friend to call me, needing a shoulder to cry on, just to get insulted, but I not only hate the phone - I’ve got a life. It may not be much of one compared to most people, and it may never be the ideal life I dream of, but I have more than phones and TV. I swear, all this guy knows is phones, food, and TV when he’s not working or getting high. I know what he’s going through. I know what it’s like to endure the hardships of quitting a substance you’ve been both physically and psychologically addicted to for years. I know what it’s like to be deprived of a natural, common thing your heart, mind, and body cries out for (love/child), but as I told him, these daily messages about things in general, when we’re not panicking, aren’t necessary. Too much is too much. I loved it years ago, but I’ve moved on, unlike him. What I mean by that is that there’s always gonna be areas in my life where I just can’t move on. On the other hand, I have moved on, gotten a life, and matured. Andy’s changed, too, in wonderful ways. He’s not selfish and insensitive like he used to be, but Andy’s still Andy for the most part. He still lives on phones, he still seeks and attracts losers, and he hasn’t grown intellectually. So, you could say I have mixed emotions about Andy and his life. As his friend, and as someone who knows what it’s like to be denied something that everyone should have, I want to listen to him. At the same time, I’ve got my own problems and my own thing that I’ve been denied that everyone should have. Or at least have a choice in the matter. And also, there’s nothing I can do for him. I don’t want to be rude and negative and depress him even more by reminding him that he’ll never find love, that it’s not meant to be, and all that shit.

Later…

Every day this week, the asshole next door left at 7 AM. There’s been no music, but this is the first time I’ve ever known the freeloader to be consistent about the time he leaves. Usually, he leaves at 7:30 one day, 8:30 the next, and it varies.

Once I’m done with this 12-week bullshit here, I may continue to use the Nicorette gum. They say not to use it past 12 weeks, but how can it hurt me? It’s just nicotine. There’s no tar or carbon monoxide or anything that can hurt me in it. It’s just that I’m still having such cravings! For the most part, although I do feel healthier, I don’t feel any different now, than I did the day I quit. It’s really disappointing to know that it’s still such a big deal to me, although I figured as much. If only Tom could’ve kept his fucking word and promise! If he just would stop with the fucking games! And if God would just let me have the kid! That’d go a long, long way towards making sure I didn’t go back to the smokes, but God’s not gonna allow me no kid here, and Tom will always be Tom. I have to just settle for better health and saved money as reason enough to keep sticking this out. I know that that’s plenty reason enough, but you know how I feel.

I still wish I could know that I’d see the cigarettes, eventually, as I see other things. Take my earliest journals, for example. I know that the girl who wrote those and who lived that life and those experiences was me, yet it seems like a whole different lifetime ago, a whole different person, a whole different life. Even though I still like to write, still have long hair, and still love to sing, living on Oswego St. seems so very far away. So very far behind me, way deep in the past. If only I could see cigarettes that way; as something I used to do a long, long time ago. Something that I remember, but that’s also vague and long gone from my life.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1997 Got a letter from Kim today and I loved the cactus stationery and envelope she used. She’s having a very typical problem right now with Walter. He doesn’t think he wants kids. Is that classic male, or what?

Well, that’ll be a part of my New Year’s resolution. Since quitting smoking certainly can’t be a part of it, it’ll be to lose weight get fit again, and accept that nothing I can do can ever turn my dream of having a child into a reality. It just ain’t meant to be, my husband doesn’t want that, and I have to deal with it, accept it, and move on. I can’t change fate, Tom can’t, a doctor can’t, and God won’t. I have to trust that God had good intentions for denying me a child and that it’s not to torture and punish me. He has to obviously have good reasons to have felt that a child wasn’t worth making me handle. Yes, he could’ve made sure I was able enough to handle it, then gave it to me, but he didn’t. So he’s got to have damn good reasons that’d make perfect sense to me if I knew for sure what they were and had more than just theories about it. No God does this to a woman without a reason, so I have to count on God to know what he’s doing and live with it. That’s all I can do anyway, and something I read got me thinking. I was reading a part in a book where this guy realizes that he turned his back on a gift God gave him and was sorry he didn’t appreciate this gift. Well, is this a gift? Is this, in fact, a gift in disguise? Maybe I’ve been looking at this child-denial thing all wrong. Perhaps it is a gift. A natural built-in birth control system that enables me to live life in the way that no parent could. That allows me to experience and do things that no parent could, or that would be very hard for a parent to do. And perhaps there’s even more to it and it’s much more of a gift than I could ever realize.

Well, gift or curse - it just is. And there’s nothing I can do about it, so I may as well learn to live with it and accept it now, so I don’t have to have another handful of sad years over it. If I just deal with it, my life shouldn’t be so hard. I’ll just concentrate on what I do have, look at the bright side of having no kid, and make a game of it if it’ll help. Something like - see how good I am and lucky at dodging pregnancy every month, without the expense and hassles of birth control. Being denied something as natural as a child should also make me stronger in the end.

Is the dog gone again next door? I don’t remember hearing it bark yesterday or today. A highly unusual case. They wouldn’t take it indoors. Not for this long, anyway, and its prime barking time is early evenings. I didn’t hear it, so I wonder if they’re gonna work around the yard some more. I wish I could say that they’re moving and it’s just over at the new place waiting for them there, but I know better.

My schedule is now on nights, so I can’t be sure, but to my knowledge, the music hasn’t been a big deal.

With my emotional state being so bad, I don’t know if I wrote about our holiday present from my folks. They sent a bunch of treats - cheeses, cakes, cookies, etc.

I still want my cigarettes half the time, but it’s either smoke or crave, and cravings are my trade-off for not smoking. The Nicorette program will be sending me my award certificate.

The rabbit, who never wants to come inside lately, killed one of my cactuses, and I’m sure he’ll kill the others, too.

Of the mice with the markings, no two are alike, so I can tell Shy and Ziggy from their babies. However, Cocoa, who’s solid brown, is gonna blend right in with her babies as soon as they’re her size.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 15, 1997 I not only thought I couldn’t love someone as much as I love Tom, but I never thought it was possible to have so much resentment towards the same person you love that much. It’s amazing how some people can be so loving on one side, and then have this deceptive streak on the other side.

He let himself in there yesterday and seems to be making more “effort” to make more time for us to get together (perhaps as a cover), but I felt nothing. I mean nothing. I may as well just take care of myself or forget it, cuz I no longer feel a damn thing when we’re together, except for when we’re just lying there, and I don’t wish we could screw a lot like I always used to. I guess it’s just much easier to accept a life without normal sex than it is to accept a life without a child, but I’ve got to do something - anything - to get over it. Even if God would allow them to fix my plumbing and me to conceive, no doctor can force a guy to get off regularly, and he’d just put a guilt trip on me about it and fight the doctors, so why waste our time? It’s like trying to help an alcoholic who doesn’t want to be helped. He did say he was sorry that he’s inadequate sexually and he promised to never give me timetables again. This and his offer to go to a doctor helps, but it still won’t change things. Timetables would’ve been fine if he’d stuck to them and followed through on his word. He also promises no more bullshit “cures.” First, it was that we needed to get inside me comfortably, then we just had to do it more often, then sleep in the same room, have me dress in street clothes to make my being nude more special, share the same bed, quit smoking, and on and on and on. I’m sure there are more things that he claimed he was 100% sure would make him cum full-time, etc.

As I said the other day, I’m sure all my theories on why a kid’s not meant to be for me is right, but I just wish I could know that God’s intentions for this weren’t of a punishing, hurtful nature. That wouldn’t change my desires, though. Only time can do that. I hope! Just cuz other desires have changed or been outgrown - you never know. Hopefully, I won’t live a life of always wanting the child I’m 1000% sure I can never have, cuz that’s a depressing and scary thought. Besides trying to focus on the good in never having a kid and the blessings I do have, perhaps there are other coping tactics I’m missing. Perhaps if I make more of a game out of it, or maybe pretend that some things are different at times, maybe then I’ll be able to live with it a lot easier.

I wish I could say that I could live with not smoking a hell of a lot easier, but it’s still hard! I get several powerful urges a day. I know that it’d be easier if I could’ve had a kid to quit for and if things weren’t so shitty with the same two fucking never-ending issues, and a part of me thinks about smoking again, not just cuz I miss that, but to spite Tom and put a guilt trip on him. That wouldn’t work, though. Not the guilt part of it, cuz it’d be the other way around. I’d feel guilty on my own and he’d be sure to help ensure I felt that way, too.

At least I don’t have a million problems. It’s just two things - sex and sterility. Most of the time I have many more problems, although you could count my schedule problem as a problem, too. The reason why I don’t list the freeloaders as a problem, even though they are, is cuz that one’s solvable in the long run. We won’t always be neighbors. However, we’ll always have freaky sex, I’ll always be sterile, and I’ll never be able to maintain a normal schedule of any kind.

And if there’s any good news to report - the freeloaders didn’t wake me up. No ball games or music all day, according to Tom, but I heard him come in at a volume that wasn’t the worst, nor was it the greatest, after I’d been up a while. That’s OK. I’m taking care of those freeloaders, though. They hear me, too. If they don’t, then they’re either deaf or God’s protecting them from my late-night noise. I’m not gonna send them hate mail too soon (where I claim to be a Klan member and write wacky stuff, even though I hate them and not their color), cuz it’s too soon after they just had a party. I know I’ll be high on their list of suspects, but why make it too obvious? That’d spoil the fun.

Tom did some checking on acreage and property out where it’s more secluded, but not too secluded. The good news is that we won’t need the 35,000 or so he thought we’d need to move, but this isn’t gonna happen tomorrow or the next day, either. We may have to go it the long way, so to speak, and settle for a small place till we can build a bigger place, but if that’s what it’ll take to get out of here sooner - fine!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1997 Now, for the other ongoing problem around here - Tom has really gotten carried away with the sex games like never before. This shit has totally escalated that my desire to be close to him has never been lower. He went down on me earlier, which is the number one way to get me off, but I couldn’t cum.

If it weren’t for the millions of other things I love so much about him, I wouldn’t take his lies, games, teasing, and all his shit that makes me so sad, angry and frustrated. He’s really playing me for a fool here, and if there’s anything that’s changed, it’s that I finally said no. For the longest time, I kept asking for it, too, in a sense cuz I’d keep allowing him to play around with me in bed (in the wrong kind of way). Well, he told me to let him have a few hours of sleep and then come join him in bed. I told him no. If we’re not gonna have sex, then I’m not gonna play games, either.

Before I get into what’s been going on, not that it’s anything new, let me just say that I’ve been wondering more and more about a certain theory of mine. I know Tom’s reasons for making sure our sex is such a hardship, and I have my many theories as to why God’s hand in this matter exists, as well as why I’m sterile. Besides God not thinking I could handle a kid, or cuz of compensation, his beef with Jews, etc., I’ve been thinking of that gay theory more and more.

I don’t believe gayness is a sin. I believe we should follow our hearts when and if we can and that as long as we’re not hurting anybody when it comes to sex, it’s OK to have mutual sex with the same sex. Meanwhile, as I’ve said before, God has different standards and different ideas of what each of us should be doing. Obviously, God can’t hate gays that much, cuz if he did, he could’ve made sure gays never existed. I wonder more and more, though, if he felt that for me, it was a big sin. Maybe he feels that cuz I had what he felt was unnatural sex for me, he’s ensuring our sex is abnormal (along with Tom’s own reasons to help ensure this). And maybe he feels that I abused nature and therefore, he’s gonna deny me a child, which is an act of nature for a woman to carry and to have.

I’m sure that all my theories are pretty much right on the money, and I can’t make God allow me a child, but I wish to hell that Tom would quit his shit once and for all. I know a big part of why he’s been controlling the sex and having it be so abnormal (aside from his fears and the sheer fun of it), is cuz of when we got married. He still feels like I literally forced him into marrying me when we did and that cuz of that, he had to buy the house illegally. He’d have preferred us to wait a few months later, but my benefits had stopped right before our wedding and we had both thought at that time that they wouldn’t extend my medical benefits for a few more months as we found out they would after. I told him yet again, though, I did not make him marry me. I did not put a leash around his neck and drag him to Vegas. He could’ve put his foot down, but he didn’t. Then he says gonna put his foot down as far as making no more promises and timetables about me conceiving and as far as things we can do to ensure better sex and all that bullshit. He told me to take December off to just think about it, but that he’s offering to go to a doctor in January. Yeah, well, he doesn’t fool me. I see the deception in this offer. He won’t let them help us any more than God would. He’d fight them all the way.

He really has a lot of nerve and really turns me off the way he denies our situation and turns around and pins the blame on me and accuses me of doing just what he’s doing.

He tried to tell me that it’s really primetime on the 13th, 14th and 15th, which is, in fact, a few days too late. When I was really prime time, he just couldn’t get it in there. He’s played this fucking game 5 times in a row. The last 5 times, no joke, he just wouldn’t get in there! Is this sick or what? He didn’t have any problem getting in there before. Before it was prime time for a real woman and before it was the time he said he’d follow through with his bullshit promise. He promised me he’d cum at least 5 days in a row. I knew it was bullshit. I knew he was just playing games, lying and teasing, and I could see the enjoyment that he’d deny, written all over his face. I’d see the smirks, I’d hear the giggles, and it’s fucking cruel! Just downright abusive, mean, cold and cruel!

Then out of the blue, he turns things on me and tells me I’m really scared to have a kid. Beyond the normal anxieties (as if he isn’t one bit scared himself). He actually said something we agree on, or say we do, anyway. Yes, I’ll admit that my fears do run deeper than others who have never had kids before. It’s mainly cuz of my schedule problem and cuz of the thought of having to get up a million times a day for so long. But at least, if God had allowed it, I’d have conquered my fears and I wouldn’t have let them stop me from getting pregnant. Tom’s too scared and too busy getting off on his sick games and lies to get me pregnant if I could’ve had that. And he won’t admit his true feelings, fears, and where he’s really coming from. He goes right back into denial and says things that really piss me the fuck off like, “I’m offering to go to a doctor, I offered to do it the natural way, too.” But he wouldn’t follow through with his “offer” to do it the natural way and see that I’m right about the sterility! Then he goes on to say that if I felt too scared to have a kid, he’d still want a kid, but I’m more important and he’d accept it if I was too scared to have a kid, cuz I’m his number one. Isn’t that supposed to be me saying that to him? Well, I have told him that and that I’d still love him if he just came out and admitted that he didn’t want to have a child, but the games and teasing pertaining to sex and proving sterility, are obviously that important to him, that he has to lie about it and say he does want a kid when he doesn’t.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1997 And the stress and depression continue! There’s no way I’m gonna remember every little thing I thought and felt about the last few days, but I’ll do my best.

First off, I know that the only way to stop the music problem would be for them to either move, or be shot dead, and since neither of these things is gonna happen (at least not for a while), well, I’m not gonna totally sit back and take this shit anymore, either. I am gonna make myself heard in different ways, too, and I am gonna terrorize them in other ways, and God can do whatever the fuck he wants to me for it. I had started a “hate” letter to them, then ripped it up figuring things would get worse and that I’d only get punished for it since I can’t get away with shit, but things got worse and I got cursed anyway. Therefore, if God’s gonna have things done to me by his own hand or by the hands of others, I may as well deserve it, for crying out loud! Fuck this shit with me being the receiver and never the giver of noise around here. I made trouble in the past and got trouble back for it. Then I tried getting my act together and playing it the nice way, but I still get shit on for it, so what’s the fucking point? Why should I sit and listen to them, while I worry that I don’t practice what I preach? Well, fuck that shit, cuz from now on, we’re gonna hear each other. I’m not gonna hear them; we’re gonna hear each other! Tomorrow evening after he leaves for work at 7:30, they’re gonna have to hear my music for a good hour or more. Then they’ll have to wake up when I say so at 3 AM. I admit that they haven’t woken me up, but they will. And yes, they would’ve if I had slept just a little later today, past 2 PM which is when these freeloaders come alive, but I’ll get into that after.

No more of this 1-sided shit here. I know they exist and they’re gonna have to know I do, too, cuz I’ll be sending the hate mail and much more. Yes, God will punish me further for it and yes, Tom’s bound to find out and maybe the cops will question me, but I don’t care! The bitch told me she was sick of my shit. The first thing I told her was that I thought it was pretty ironic that she’s telling me she’s sick of my shit, yet she’s the one dishing it. She and loverboy that is. Well now black bitch, you’ll have a real reason to be sick of my shit!

Tom’s pissed off that I’m being so hateful and bigoted, but hey, I’m pissed off at him for lying to me and for his games, so I guess we’re even. And no, I have no guilt about breaking my promise to not do anything to them. Not when he’s broken promises to me. I’ll keep the one about not hurting them physically, cuz they know too many people. Usually, the more of a self-absorbed asshole you are, the more people you know, cuz there are more bad people than good. So people like these freeloaders can find more people that have things in common with them than we can. My point is if I did beat the shit out of them, they may be afraid to face me or to blast music, they may even move, and they may be too embarrassed to take it to the law, but I’m sure they’d have their so-called pals come after me or this house. I can’t defend myself against bunches of freeloaders, nor can I ward off bullets or fire. As far as my hate, well, right now it’s awfully hard to keep in mind that there’s good and bad in all kinds. Once one of us moves, then it’ll be easier to see that, but right now, I see just about all of them as nothing but scum. We all want to do for our own selves to a degree. We all have our hobbies, dreams and things we like to do that comforts, interests and pleases us, and that’s fine. It’s those who have to involve others that don’t want to be involved in their self-pleasing ways, interests and lifestyles, that I’ve got a problem with. I’ve never insisted that they listen to my music with me or that they listen to my animals, too, etc. The fact that they like music and that they want a dog is fine, but what’s that got to do with me, huh? Why should I be included in all this, too? Well if I’m gonna be, I’m gonna include them into my lifestyle, too. When I say it’s time to listen to music, that means them too, and when I’m up, they’re up.

Tom and Andy agree, too, that these kinds of stereos with the massive bass kick that’s vented out of trunks (or else it’d blow a car apart) should be outlawed, but they’ll never be. There’s too much money tied into it, not to mention all the lonely and selfish sick fucks out there that have to get attention. Everyone’s got a “hear me” obsession and they want everyone to notice them. This should also prove what an immature society we’re dealing with too, when Tom brought up a good point about status symbols. The people that are most snobby and insecure with themselves have to have a bassy stereo cuz that’s saying how they’re oh so much better. I can see a child trying to prove they’re better than another classmate, or trying to prove themselves to their parents, but when teenagers and adults feel they have to prove themselves to a city of strangers, they’ve got problems. And their self-esteem is even lower than mine’s ever been or ever could be if they feel they have to beg for the approval of just anybody. I don’t give a fuck about proving myself to some stranger across town, and why should some stranger a few streets away give a shit about what I think of them? These freeloaders could really have my approval if they’d stop being so rude and selfish.

After I go take a much-needed break with some music (that’ll be just for me out of headphones, since Tom’s asleep), I’ll write about today’s party. He wasn’t here this time last year, therefore, I didn’t know that today was the kid’s birthday, but I do now, naturally. I don’t know about Christmas, but New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day are gonna be a nightmare around here!

Later…

I’m now on step 3 - a piece of gum every 4-8 hours and it is hard! I miss my cigarettes sooooooo much! And it fucking figures that I gotta enter this step when the music becomes a problem again and when they decide to party. The party could’ve been worse, though, if it hadn’t been a kid’s birthday party. I thought it was gonna go well into the night like 10:00 or later, but they wrapped it up just as we got in.

Last night, he let me know something was gonna be going on or changing or coming to the house like he always does. First I heard the music softly, then a so-so volume, then a loud one.

I had gotten up around 2 PM and was pleased that no ball games woke me up. (probably tomorrow, though) Then I was out back a little later to feed the rabbit and cats when I saw a huge elephant next door. If that sounds crazy, let me be more descriptive. It was something you blow up, like a raft, only kids can jump around inside the thing. It’s like a blown-up elephant house. I wondered how the hell they could afford it, but Tom thinks that it’s the kid’s grandfather, whom we’ve seen come visit here and there, that rented it. Yeah, I’d say so. Anyway, I was surprised that the kids weren’t that noisy. You could hear them out back, but they were no problem from indoors, nor did they play ball. That’s cuz they couldn’t. There were so many cars parked in their driveway and in front of our house, in front of the house next to them on the other side, and in front of at least 3 houses across the street. We never saw so many cars there before. It was the door slamming and music that was nerve-wracking. Now I will admit that no, the music hasn’t been really, really loud like that Saturday night when he just sat there with it blaring about a month ago. And of course, Tom’s still oh so sure that there are steps that can be taken that’ll be guaranteed to stop the music in the end. Yeah, he thinks he’s got all the answers when it comes to sex and neighbors. Even if he was right about that, these steps would take forever. So in my mind, I’m compromising with Tom and God. I won’t beat the snot out of them, but I’ll make their lives just as stressful, I’ll be just as annoying, and I’ll be just as heard.

Tom did me a wonderful favor a good hour or so into the party. We needed to do some errands anyway, so we went to the pet store. I got a big bale of the regular pine bedding that we use to do all the cages with and a small bag of that potent cedar bedding. All 3 litters are really getting around now and at times, there are mice everywhere! All hyped up and playful and they’re like a bunch of kids in a playground. They’re so cute! But there’s nowhere near enough wheels to go around for everyone. I have a total of 6 wheels, but there’s one I don’t have room for, so I got a small wheel. One that’s perfect for mice, but one that’d be too small for a hamster or a gerbil. Now each of the Play City cages has a wheel and the aquarium’s got 3. One of them is the giant wheel that Teddy Bear was using when he lived with the big guys. We also looked at cat stuff. They really have a lot of clever toys, litter boxes, and beds for them. So besides bedding and the wheel, we also got food and one of those shred-a-beds. Rodents like to claw and dig, as well as chew, and GPs and rabbits may like to burrow, but mice like to nest and burrow.

Then we went to Ma’s house, even though she was at Mary’s for the weekend. Tom left the checkbook that’s from our joint account in his car (we had been driving Ma’s car). We drank a soda over there after I used the bathroom, and then I wrote out the Chanukah checks to Tammy’s girls in the amount of their ages.

Lastly, we went downtown, hoping to see some pretty holiday lights/decorations, but there wasn’t anything too thrilling to see.

We came home then, and the party had pretty much broken up. The elephant was taken away, too.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1997 I have so much to say regarding the last few miserable days I’ve had, but I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start. I had things worded perfectly in my head as the events of the last few days unfolded, but now everything is all blurred into one in my mind.

I’ve basically entered the peak of the “giving up” stage, so to speak. Even though there’s nothing to give up - well - you know what I mean. My fists are unclenching more and more as I realize more and more how hopeless it is to try to fight fate. That’s the basic issue for me lately and I’ll break it down into detail, even if it’s the same old sob story I’ve already written about time and time again, after Andy and the freeloaders.

Andy - he came over last night. I liked all but a few of the clothes Laura gave me. This time, there was a wider variety of things. There were halters, shirts, shorts, pants, nightgowns, etc.

I gave him clothes to give to Laura and an extra comforter for him.

Before I get to freeloader news, Teddy Bear’s gone. Tom buried him out back.

Marty had his second open-heart surgery, so now he’s even with my dad. Mom’s in a hotel with Ruth in Miami. That’s where he had his surgery done and I guess that’s the only place there was an available team. I’ll send a card soon.

Freeloaders - the dog’s back to its 2-3-hour barking fit in the early evenings, and now the freeloader is back to its music shit, too. It’ll get louder and louder and more and more often. Nothing I can do can stop it, short of shooting the bastard dead. They can do wrong and get away with it, God don’t give a shit, and my husband, who thinks he knows it all, will waste his time with city/government letters. I told him the letter would either be ignored or useless, but he just doesn’t get it. He’ll make up any excuse and say that this will work and that that’ll work just to keep me from going over there and beating that black ass red. Fine! I’ll just let them force their music on me, I’ll sit back and take it, and not do a damn thing about it. Why should I bother after all? God would just replace me with a new source of noise, and of course, tomorrow or the next day or both, I’ll have to get up when the basketball game starts.

I’m still rather distraught here, so I’ll continue later.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1997 I should’ve known better than to even think for a second that there could be a reason for my quitting smoking. As logical as it seems that there should be and that that’d only be fair, life isn’t fair. Maybe it’s so I won’t be wheezing my ass off as much when I get woken up at least every other weekend by the weekend basketball game. There’s no way this fan and this noise machine, even together, are gonna beat out that ball bouncing just a few feet away. Someone might as well go hammering on the outside of the bedroom wall.

Last night was the third time in a row that he just “couldn’t” get in there. I’ve been cumming less and less myself these last few months. That’s cuz I’m just so sick of the lying and the teasing. And as always, God is of no help. He doesn’t care. No, he couldn’t care less. Tom’s latest line, excuse, whatever, for his sudden inability to know how to fuck, is that couples that have been together for a while, tend to become used to certain routines, that people assume too much, and therefore fall out of sync. This is utter and total bullshit. That’s like saying that the more you practice sign language, the more trouble you’ll have with it. How stupid and naïve does he think I am? He also claims that I couldn’t know this, but when you’ve been with a guy for a long time, it’s normal to have trouble getting in there at times. Yeah, right! With the exception of when it was too painful for me, Ron never had a problem, and I was with him on and off for 6-7 months. Bruce didn’t have a problem, and Al and Mark wouldn’t have had a problem if it weren’t so painful for me then. Al had premature ejaculation.

Jesus Christ! Can next door slam their car doors any harder? At least I didn’t hear any music, but it must be a tough job to rig a dog up to a car. If it’s not attached to the car, then it can definitely reach it. He’s gotta be parking deep in there for the dog to protect that stereo for sure. This all began after I screamed at them last July. Maybe the city did contact him after all, cuz if the music’s gonna stop, the door slamming’s gonna escalate.

Anyway, as I was saying, I just don’t know how many more years of excuses, lies, and games I can take here and it’s really weird, cuz out of bed, I always feel loved and completely unabused, but in bed, half the time I feel like a sex toy who’s head and whole being, actually, is being abused.

First he couldn’t get in from our side position, then he couldn’t get in up top. Then I said - to hell with it - and got up. Then he claims he wanted to screw, he wants a child, he would’ve gotten it in there, and he would’ve cum. Who the fuck does he think he’s kidding?! Now he tells me that if I’ll let him, and if I’ll be patient and not give up, he’ll get in there for the next few nights, and cum, too. Yeah, and I’ll be a millionaire for the next few nights, too.

It all comes down to the same thing - I’m sterile, God doesn’t give a shit, Tom doesn’t want a kid, and we’ll never have one. Even if his sex drive suddenly soared out of control and he got over his fears and came like hell, do you really think God would allow me a child? Hell no!

It’s too bad Paula never sent me the pictures she said she’d send, but what did I expect? I don’t think she has a camera, but she said something about buying one. At least she calls periodically. Shelly never even did that and despite the shit she was going through, I felt like our friendship was totally 1-sided. That’s typical of what God would have for me, too. The only difference is that I stopped going along with it one day. I love Shelly dearly and I’ll always appreciate her looking out for me back then, but it wouldn’t be fair, as unfair as life is, for me to be the one to do all the calling and writing.

Speaking of calls, Andy said he’s keeping really busy with work so he doesn’t think of pot. Therefore, he doesn’t have time to call NA groups to set something up with them or with a therapist. Then how is it that he has the time to call me every day? I told him for the hundredth time, that unless something’s wrong, I’d prefer not to talk every day, but it’s gone in one ear and out the other as always.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 1997 Well, God got me back for all the people I woke up during my years of prank calls. Now he’s getting me on the annoyance part of it. I’m really sick of these “unavailables” that call several times a day. I still think most of them are from someone we know, but even so, I’m tired of being interrupted when I’m trying to write, do dishes, or whatever. I can’t just write off every call, too, and assume it’s the “unavailables,” either. What if it were his mother in need of help? So, if I’m in the back, I have to stop what I’m doing and run up front to see the caller ID box.

I told Tom that we might want to think about getting an unlisted number.

Another phone annoyance, that’s nothing new, is Andy. I feel kind of trapped here since on one hand, this is my best friend who I care about. Therefore, I want to know what’s going on with him. On the other hand, these daily calls can really get to be a pain in the ass, but he never gives up.

Andy and I will probably get together this Thursday unless something comes up with him. If something does come up with him, he’ll probably just dump the clothes Laura has for me off out back and I’ll leave the clothes and comforter I’ve got for them out back, too.

I still have several cigarette cravings a day, and history is repeating itself again with the weight. With the exception of when I starve myself, cuz anyone that stops eating will lose weight. And if they don’t, they’ve got something wrong with them. However, it seems a common thing for me that if I try to lose the weight without starving, I just can’t. But then when I say - screw it - and not do a damn thing about it, it just comes off. I only went from 118 to 114, and I’m sure that by now I’m already back to 116 since I just ate and since I have a slow-motion metabolism, but we’ll see. Maybe it’ll keep going down and get somewhat close to 100, although I seriously doubt that.

I have a slight, and I mean very slight, change-vibe concerning next door that came on just the other day. I wouldn’t hold my breath on it to mean much of anything, though, cuz it’s so weak of a vibe, but we’ll see.

Gizzy’s two babies, Tanner and Spot, are really growing up and are getting around a lot better now. The others are just beginning to get around, too, but are still nursing. One of Shy’s babies is quite original-looking. It’s got a black circle around one eye, like an eye patch, so I’ve been calling this one Patch.

I just heard that scraping noise from next door and I think I know what it is. When I’m outside, I can hear the dog’s chain sliding around as it moves and I think this “plastic” sound, is a big bowl that it slides around when it’s hungry. I still wish these people would decide they hate dogs and would get rid of it. I can’t believe God allowed me a whole year and a half with no dog over there in the first place, but that’s just cuz he knew there’d be loud music instead. That compensated for it. I wouldn’t be surprised if I suddenly lived where there was never a sound, then was made to just wake up too soon on my own by him constantly.

About an hour ago was another botched attempt at sex. It was a fun, pleasant surprise when he initiated it. I didn’t expect it till tonight (we’re gonna screw then, too), but between last night and today, it’s just too obvious that something up there doesn’t want things to work out, and I wonder about him, too. Last night was too hot and yes, it got warm in here, and yes, he was sweating, but he’s sweated before and still got off. Today, it just wouldn’t go in there. Why do God and Tom keep putting me through the same old shit? And why do I let them? Why can’t Tom see that I’m sterile, admit that he’s not gung-ho for a kid, and let all else alone? And why can’t God, who knows he’ll never allow me a child, just leave us alone in bed? God’s always got to interfere, and Tom’s always got to get cold feet. Who the fuck does he think he’s kidding when he says he’s gonna cum more than once over the next few days? And then further his bullshit by saying I’ll conceive this month! I’m glad he’s putting more effort into making more time for us to get together, but why must he include so much bullshit into the deal? Can’t we just have normal, full-time fun without the lies?

I guess all I can do is what I always try to do - look at the bright side of never having a child. Besides the question of how I could ever deal with it, how could Andy deal with it? If he cries neglected and cut off from his best friend now, then how could he have handled it if there had been a kid, cuz then I’d have been even less available to play phone with him? And it’s not pleasant to think of how my family would’ve reacted to it. Not Larry or Tom’s family, but Tammy and my parents. I wouldn’t have needed to hear all the shit they’d have had to say that would’ve just led to even more paranoia and self-doubt. They’d have spoiled the exciting part of it. Both Tammy and my mother, but more so my mother, are very self-absorbed people and if you aren’t doing, offering or telling them something they can relate to or that they like, you can take a hike. Tom had something to offer them, too, and that was someone to take care of my needs so they wouldn’t have to. However, what would’ve been in it for them if we had had a kid? Nothing.

Later…

Unless the freeloader came in while I was under headphones, the freeloader came in quietly. He’s not in to stay for the night yet, though, cuz his car’s parked where I can see it, just outside the carport.

I’ll have to remember to take Tom’s advice. I really want to please him and I wish I could, but I just suck in bed! Anyway, he told me to use more variety in how I rub his dick and to concentrate more on the tip of it. The shaft of the dick doesn’t have as much feeling.

Here we go sliding the bowl around again. Although, it still seems a bit loud for a bowl. I wish I could say it was moving sounds and that at least he was moving, but fat chance. The dog’s in the carport now, too, but the car’s still out front. I think they may have the start of the dog’s leash in their yard, but that it extends into the carport and they put the dog’s bowls in the carport, too, to encourage it to hang out there more often for my sake.

I think there’s another reason they’re gonna try to hang onto that house, besides the fact that it’s subsidized. I just realized that my vibe of them moving at this time went away after my encounter with the bitch. And it did so, I believe, cuz they’re also gonna want to hang around here to piss me off. Even if they knew that some other people’s dog would piss me off if they moved, they’d still rather be here so it could be their dog to piss me off.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1997 Boy, that freeloader really parked in an odd place this time around. When we came in from shopping, its car was parked in the street. I thought maybe to make room for some work trucks to pull in, but I didn’t hear anyone pull in, so who knows what that weird fuck’s up to?

Later…

Where could they be? Their living room windows next door are pitch dark, I haven’t heard the dog, and I haven’t heard any signs of a car being over there. Well, if I hear them come in, they’ll hear from me. Yes, if it’s an unacceptable volume, I shall solve my own problems, confront the source head-on, and be done with these assholes for good. As I said before, I don’t know if the city contacted them or why the music’s been quieter, but it’s not gonna be for long. I know them. And as far as my promising Tom not to go after them - why should I have to keep my promises when Tom doesn’t keep his? We’re gonna screw tonight, as part of our agreement, but will he cum? No. Of course he won’t. It’s too soon after his last squirt. He’ll keep the part of the promise that requires us to get together fairly regularly, but not the part about the regular cumming to prove my case of sterility. He isn’t ready to deal with that, and it’ll be the same bullshit I’ve gone through before with him. Anything to get out of his having to face the fact that I am sterile.

Well, maybe the freeloaders came in without slamming doors and went to bed early, cuz I just heard the dog in the carport. It fucking sounds like it’s right on our back patio, or inside the house at the other end of it.

Tom and I went shopping earlier. I got 3 puzzles and 3 journals, and we picked up some Christmas cards and some wrapping paper, too.

The envelope addresser is nice and shitty at the same time. Its graphics are kind of boring and you can’t control their sizes. The program was written in a shitty, weird and complex kind of way, but Tom said he’ll create an easier setup for it. I do like its different fonts, though.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1997 This morning’s sex went as I knew it’d go. He didn’t cum. And a certain somebody up in the sky that doesn’t agree with what we’re doing, has seen to it that I’m having irritation down there. Well, no amount of discomfort is gonna stop me from doing my part of the deal here. It’s up to God and Tom to make or break my dream.

He reminded me that a woman could have a guy cum in her a day or two prior to ovulation and still conceive. Then all the more my gut instincts and woman’s intuition are right about my being sterile. Even so, it still doesn’t seem logical or fair that my being meant to quit smoking all of a sudden means nothing at all. There’s got to be some reason for this and I still kind of have a “change” vibe. I know next door will be here till at least next fall, and although I still can’t see a child ever happening, this bed and this not smoking have to have some purpose. Things happen for a reason. Maybe the “change” is Tom believing there really is something wrong with me, but that can only be if he cums regularly and even if he did that, he may still be hesitant to question my sterility. How much he’s willing to deal with the consequences of my sterility, will depend on how much he’ll let himself realize that that’s the case. There doesn’t have to be any so-called consequences or anything to deal with, though, if we choose not to go to a doctor. And besides, I already know that running to a doctor wouldn’t help us.

It’s still cloudy and wet out there, although it’s not raining right now. I wish it’d rain all day to help keep the ballplayers away, but I’m sure that with just my luck, it’ll become a bright, sunny and dry day by late morning.

Tom also stopped at Eldon’s yesterday to do some computer work for him, and in exchange, Eldon gave us a printer that just addresses envelopes. It does more than that, though, and way more than the envelope printer in the word processor does. All the one we’ve always used does is print in one font and one size. This one does a handful of fonts and sizes and it also does graphics. It lets you put little pictures to decorate the envelopes with, but we haven’t been able to try this out, cuz we need a new ink cartridge for it. This isn’t a dot matrix like our regular printer that strikes dots on the paper. This is an inkjet and the ink boils and sprays onto the paper. We’ll also be getting an inkjet printer one of these days.

Later…

Tom just left to take his mother to church and to pick up some things we need.

I just heard those weird sounds coming from next door’s backyard again. Like furniture sliding around. Something that’s perhaps plastic and lightweight.

For a couple of minutes yesterday and a couple the day before, I wondered if next door got another dog. Tom said he didn’t hear anything that suggests that, but that’s something next door would surely do. Especially if the city did contact them in regard to the music. I guess we were either wrong in assuming he’s not supposed to be there, or they just aren’t pushing to nudge him out. If the city did mention his presence to her, all the bitch has to say is that he just visits her. So, unless they go search her house to find his stuff, it wouldn’t hold up to much.

We’ve gone from window birdies to window kitties. White Feet jumps from the back of the old recliner to the AC, then stands up and peers in the window in the back room.

The damn birds still come around, but at least things aren’t nearly as messy as they were when I’d feed them lots of seeds every day. They try to steal the cat food, though, and Measles, my favorite bird who’s the bravest, still comes around daily.

Later…

Fortunately, there were no ball games today. Instead, it was the dog and car doors I got to listen to.

Their beast will bark more on weekends cuz they’re home then and it cries out for attention it can’t get.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6, 1997 Well, I’ll be darned! Tom’s keeping every bit of his promise. So far, that is, but nonetheless, we had a great time in bed today and he got off just fine. Then we lay together a while longer and talked about trivial stuff.

Right now he’s talking to Eldon, then he’s gonna go to the racetrack. He hasn’t been there in a while.

I changed both the mice’s and the big guy’s cages and I’m doing laundry, too.

Soon, I’ll do the dishes and cook Tom some Hamburger Helper. Guess what I got to enjoy both today and yesterday? A home-cooked lobster! Tom got two little lobsters for $3 each at the grocery store. They’re already cooked, so all you do is thaw them and reheat them by boiling them.

Michelle and her mom found the screws and brackets to put the bed together. Do these people ever take the time to look for things before asking where they are? This is the second thing they had to ask where it was, cuz they wouldn’t take the time to look.

Also, Laura, who Andy says has more clothes than God, has more clothes to give to me.

The freeloader’s dog hasn’t been much of a problem, but it will be once it gets hot again. The music’s been OK that we both know of, too, but give it time. I heard him bopping around the carport early last evening (probably to rig the dog up to the car for the night). I’ve got another theory as to why he rigs the dog to the car and that’s to protect his stereo from a certain person who doesn’t appreciate it. After all, he does pay more attention to that stereo, than the dog.

I talked to my mother yesterday who said that every two years, they’ll come visit. So, in May of 99, they’ll be back. If we had had a kid, I wonder if that two-year thing would go out of effect?

Tom got the door up yesterday, but it’s only partially done. This is a big job, so all we could do was get the door up, put that air pump thing up so it’ll pull it shut, and that’s it for now. We still have to install the bar that it’ll latch into and re-key it, but for now, this is so very much nicer than that other torn-up piece of shit we had.

Also, I guess Tom’s luck is still holding out. He thought he was getting hit with a cold, but so far I guess he’s gonna be OK. Hopefully, his not having to deal with secondhand smoke will help him, cuz that can lower one’s immune system and make one more susceptible to colds.

Later…

At this time of year, whatever the weather is in L.A., will be what it’ll be here in 24 hours. It’s gonna rain anytime now and I wish it would hurry up and do so, so that the little girl who lives where the guard dogs are, won’t come back to play ball for the third time. Although, that might not stop her.

And ironically, the ball games start up after the letter goes out. And it’s just my luck that with all the houses on this street that have basketball hoops, which are very few, one of them has to be right next door. I wish the earth would open up and swallow the fucking thing up!

Given the fact that this is the 3rd time she’s played for just a few minutes, I’d say that Miss Bitch may have had a talk with the girl’s mother, who had a talk with the little girl. People are sick enough too, to pit a kid against an adult they don’t like.

The thing about it that sucks is that I know that I’m not gonna get one weekend till June without having to listen to ball games. Since the kids that live there don’t play ball, God just had to make sure he got other kids that would. And eventually, this is gonna roll into after-school hours and it won’t be just this little girl. Or for just a few minutes.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 1997 Oh, those incompetent assholes at AOL! They never fail to fuck up. I can’t get the message that’s there from my folks.

I got a card from Tom’s mom with a check for my age, a singing birthday message from Andy, and calls from Tammy, Larry, and my folks.

I only talked with Tammy and Paula. My folks called at 11 PM our time and 1 AM their time and they got to talk to Tom before he left for work. Meanwhile, I was already asleep.

Instead of going to Red Lobster yesterday, we might go on Monday, cuz that’d fit in better with our schedules. He got me Chinese food instead and today we’ll be putting up that security door, which will be a big job. Andy didn’t give us a key to the door, so Tom’s gonna try to re-key it.

Andy said he was too broke at this time to get me a b-day present and I told him not to worry, I understand, and have been there before. He’s been clean for two weeks, but he and his ditzy friends! Now Michelle and her mother can’t find the brackets and screws to put the damn bed together! As with the other screws they couldn’t find, I told them they were there and that we did give it to them.

Very fittingly, and as I totally expected, Tom’s getting his punishment for saying he’s gonna fight God and win, even if I knew it was bullshit and that he doesn’t want to win. He just got hit with one of the colds going around at work, so when I’m mid-cycle, he’ll be too sick to screw, and that’ll be the excuse I knew I’d be in for, for why we need to give it yet more time. Look, I know I’m sterile, and that’s all there is to it. There’s nothing I can do about it, no matter how much or how little he cums and as always, God keeps working against us to ensure we not only never have a child, but that we can never have full-time, normal sex. And if he didn’t have a cold, which would still be the ideal time for God to start him on a cold, there’d be something else to keep things as they always have been. Some dark, evil force up there is really working against us, and as always, it wins. So, he can keep on swearing I’ll conceive for sure this month, but that he doesn’t know that I won’t miscarry it, all he wants.

Well, like I said, my New Year’s resolution is to make one last attempt to lose weight and to just accept the fact that I’ll have to live off the rest of my life wanting a child I can never have. I’ll work on trying to live with that and concentrate more on what I do have, rather than what I can’t have. I should be more appreciative of this freedom I’ve got, anyway, as most people would kill for at least some of it. Besides, I couldn’t handle motherhood, I’d be a shitty mother, and would just wish for these days right back again, so what’s the point?

Later…

Not only did I have to wait to get into my mailbox, but when I could, the fucking assholes deleted the message from my folks! I could kill these assholes!

Anyway, I left my parents a message about that and thanked them for the package.

There’s this cartoon character called Dilbert and they sent Tom some post-it notes with his character involved and some mini flags with Dilbert, too, and a million other mini flags of all different things. They even sent another mini pole, so I put it in the doorway between the kitchen and the entrance hall to the garage and put up a summertime scene, even though it’s winter.

Tom also got two mouse pads, an AZ Cardinals license plate to put on the front of his car, and a novel that has to do with computers.

They sent a lot of brochures on Disney and other related stuff. They sent shampoo from there, a few pictures, and two really nice mugs of Minnie and Mickey Mouse for the both of us.

They sent one of those belly pouches you strap around your waist. They’re good for carrying little things around places like casinos, so you can have your hands free. A How to Cook Like a Jewish Mother cookbook, pens, and a calendar I certainly don’t care for. That’s cuz all its pictures are taken in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, and Maine. A sweatshirt with the New Kids on the Block on it. I’ve heard of them, but I don’t know any of their songs. Green nail polish that I’m sure my dad picked out, $25, and the last two things are really cute - a motion sensor frog that “ribbits” when you walk by it, and a singing gorilla that starts singing when you clap real loud in front of it.

Later…

I just got to talk to Larry. He says he still has a cold, Sandy’s got bronchitis, Jen’s fine, and business is going well. He also asked how I could tell if a blond was at a computer. Then told me the answer was: cuz there’d be whiteout all over the screen.

I shouldn’t have told Tammy that I was expecting calls from different people, including Larry, cuz then she said, “Leave it to him to call you on your birthday, but not mine.” I won’t tell her we got to talk, so as to not hurt her feelings any more than they are.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1997 Another year has passed and now I’m 32. Anyway, Tom got me some nice things that he gave to me yesterday. He gave me pretty floral stationery to use for letters and drafts and several different colored markers for writing. He also got 5 lotto tickets called Cactus Cash. I won $2 and he’s gonna get two more tickets with that.

Either today or tomorrow, my sweetheart is gonna take me out to dinner. I’m sure we’ll have plenty of fun, too.

He told me that if I wasn’t pregnant in December, then he’d start to believe me as far as the sterility goes. This really helped to hear, even if his knowing what I know can’t change anything. Still, I was pleased to hear it, even though I wonder - will I just hear it? He promised no excuses, but I don’t know. I wouldn’t be surprised if both he and God together made sure there was less time than usual for fun so that he’ll end up saying that there weren’t enough opportunities for us to give it a chance, and then we’re right back to where we’ve always been.

I hope he remembers and realizes that if he wants to prove to himself that there’s something wrong with me, he’s gonna have to cum a lot. That means practically changing his whole being, cuz frequent cumming just isn’t him.

Anyway, due to next door’s schedule being so erratic, I was either listening to music or in bed when he came in, so I couldn’t tell if it was no volume or a so-so volume (a loud one would’ve woken me up). I heard nothing from next door all morning and afternoon and what I heard the day before that, might not have been him after all. Yesterday I heard music at the same volume and went out to dispose of it permanently, but it was some other car passing by. It was a couple of hours off on the timing as to when I heard the music the day before, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Tom still begs me not to do anything to next door and says that no one should go after someone unless in self-defense. He also says that even if my method’s effective, it’s wrong and that he’s still certain they can be dealt with legally if this letter doesn’t work by going a step higher than the office we sent the letter to.

First of all, I don’t trust anything anyone “tells” me, I have my doubts about any city/government officials helping with shit, and I don’t believe in turning to others to help me with my problems with others and having them fight my battles for me, and sometimes you do have to do wrong to get proper results, and lastly, a person doesn’t always have to resort to violence to get justice. So, I told Tom I’ll use my best judgment and be as fair as I can be. If I do anything, I’ll make sure I do it when he’s not here, but I’ve had it with these people, and if he ever plays it as loud as he did that Saturday night when he sat in the car blaring it, I’ll fucking kill him, whether he’s here or not.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1997 What a thoroughly depressing night I’ve had. Thank God Tom’s not here, cuz hearing his lies right now and him denying there’s even a problem, wouldn’t change things or help me.

Let me just say first, that it’ll be any day now that I’ll be taking care of next door for good. We heard him leave after he came in for lunch in a so-so but pushing it kind of volume. At least there’s something I can do about the music. There’s nothing I can do about this sadness, anger, and frustration over the child I can never have. I know that now and there’s no denying it. It’ll never get any better and just when it seems to get a tiny bit better, it’s such a big issue with me again. I’ll always live with the feeling/knowledge of this missing link. There’ll always be a void and an empty slot in my life that I know I’ll never be able to fill and make whole. There’s no accepting God’s sentencing me to a life of childlessness. I may not shed tears every day about this and some days it may be on my mind less, but it’ll always be there. There’s no getting over this and even deciding I’d rather not have it, like with the singing and the woman. Tom replaced the desire to be with a woman, the singing died off on its own, but how can I replace my desire to have a child? How can it ever die off? It can’t.

I can’t fix, control, or manipulate this never being allowed a child by running to a doctor, and I can’t fix, control, or manipulate my emotions about it, either. I have no choice but to surrender to it and to just accept the fact that it’ll always play on my emotions. I tried to escape it and there just is no escape.

Who was I kidding to even think that I could be brave enough to go to a doctor and risk our lives? So, there’s been a change in my New Year’s resolution. His is to lose weight and be more organized. Mine’s to accept my sterility and not go to a doctor, but I haven’t decided what I’m gonna do about the weight. Of course, he was elated to hear I decided not to go to a doctor, then went right into the usual denial of how he never thought we needed that. Yeah, in 5 years from now he’ll still think we don’t need that. And he’ll still be coming up with new things that’ll cure him and make him cum regularly.

I’m right where I was when I entered my 30s two years ago and in two more years - there’ll be more material things, things might be changed around the house, I don’t know how many animals we’ll have and what they’ll be, I don’t know what my weight will be, but I’ll still be just as childless as always. And Tom will still be cumming once every few months if he hasn’t stopped again altogether. And he’ll continue to lie to me and in October of 99, he’ll tell me I’ll be pregnant in December then, too. And how everything’s fine and how all will work out.

Well, I can’t change my sterility. Nor can I change how I feel about it, but I must keep my feelings to myself as much as possible. Talking about them doesn’t change things and he just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t want to get it. Not even a sensitive guy like him could know and understand what I’m going through. It’s my problem and mine alone. A woman must go something like this alone. Only another sterile woman, who’s also been cheated out of her right to have a child, could empathize with me and understand how I feel.

I may never be OK with my sterility like Mary is with hers, cuz everyone’s different, but if I don’t learn to deal with my emotions in a way that doesn’t involve others, I really am gonna have a very hard life.

I’m still not sure, like I said, about my weight. I could just accept that, too, and let my body weigh whatever it’s gonna weigh, or I could try to fight it, but that’s another one of those things that I don’t have control of or any say about at the moment. God doesn’t want to budge on that issue, but I’m not surprised either. He let me have the strength to not smoke and he let us have this bed, so he’s gonna seize control of me otherwise. I’m sure he’s very upset up there about the city letter, too, even if it’s as useless as I said it’d be. The freeloader will be at it again in no time.

Also, losing weight the only way that’s ever worked for me, doesn’t work anymore. The hunger pains are too severe when I don’t eat and if I allow myself just a few bites, those few bites lead to a few more, and a few more, etc.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1997 Got a birthday card from David, Evie and their kids. What was cool about it was the little piece of paper enclosed with drawings from “Neeca.” I guess that’s how she pronounces her name. Anyway, it was cool to get that from a niece on Tom’s side of the family.

It still saddens me to know that I could never receive something so precious from my own child, but again, I don’t deserve it and I couldn’t handle it.

It also still kind of bothers me, although I’m used to it, that my husband could boldly lie to me about getting pregnant time and time again. I understand that men can’t quite grasp women’s issues and how much something like this means to a woman, but still, lying is lying and I don’t like it. It’s not fair and no one should fool with someone else’s emotions like that. No matter how much we know that we cannot take someone’s word for shit, without seeing what they say come true, it’s still a cruel thing to do to someone who’s so sensitive about certain issues. I don’t know if this wanting a child thing will “go away” or go dormant, so to speak, but I do hope for that. Where there’s absolutely no hope whatsoever to have a child, I do hold out the hope that I’ll be able to live with my sterility and accept myself as a whole, much easier than I have. Sometimes I can accept it and I love myself as a whole, but I still have my times when it’s hard to deal with the sterility and now the fact that I’m 15 pounds overweight. I miss my thin days.

I gathered up a bag of clothes that I’m either too big for or am sick of to give to Laura.

Andy’s gone two weeks without smoking pot, so I’m proud of him. He says he feels much better and much more confident. He sounds it, too, and he’s not as flaky and his memory’s already so much better. However, just like I always had a problem in every place I’ve ever lived, he has a problem everywhere he works. Always. There’s always someone he doesn’t get along with. Apparently, some other server was using his server number when entering tips into the computer. I can’t explain how it works, cuz I’m not familiar with it, but in other words, they were ripping him off of about $25 a day. That saying “what goes around comes around” is entirely true. That’s not just a saying that someone made up to deter people from fucking up. It really is the case, and so maybe this is God’s punishment for his stealing that amount from the Denny’s we worked in together in Chicopee 8 years ago. As for me - I paid my dues for my share of stealing from them in many ways, a long time ago. You know how I struggled financially for years and nearly starved to death upon coming out here.

Andy’s struggled and has been denied love, though. Hasn’t he paid his dues, too?

We found out some mice news that’ll really help out a lot and this way, we won’t be so pressed for time. Well, I may know everything there is to know about guinea pigs, and I know a lot about mice, but not everything. So we took the oldest of the 3 litters into the pet store (Tanner and Spot). Besides, I needed to get a bottle holder. They said they won’t take them till they’re 8 weeks old cuz then they’ll be easier to sell (I thought it’d be the other way around and that people would want them real young), but that they will take any we don’t want. They don’t do trade-ins, so I can’t get female mice in exchange for the male mice, but at least they’ll take them. Meanwhile, the shocking thing we found out was that mice don’t become sexually active for 6 months! I thought it’d be weeks since guinea pigs start at 6 weeks. They go from nursing to screwing and I thought that it’d be that way with mice, too. So, around February 1st, we’ll take all 3 litters in; as they’ll all be 8-10 weeks, and let them take the males.

The asshole next door’s still behaving. Tom thinks it’s cuz the city did say something to them. I don’t know if it’s cuz of that, cuz of the dog, or some other reason, and this is really nice and all that, but how long’s it gonna last?

MONDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1997 Ma just sent a message saying that instead of getting a box for Tom, I’ll get a large box addressed to me on my birthday. Inside will be a box for him which she says is a fun box, so open it together. Then there’s a box inside it that says fragile, and this is for both of us. Also, she’ll call me on my birthday and if they don’t get me, they’ll keep trying.

Still paying for the bed and was woken up for the second day in a row. Yesterday I just woke up for no reason and after a while, I fell back asleep. Today, it was for the basketball game next door, so it’s back to the fan to add to the noise machine. The noise machine doesn’t have the lower motor-like sounds that the fan does to block out such sounds as a bouncing ball that’s just outside the window.

Thank God I got back to sleep and thank God he let me quit smoking. This is gonna be a common occurrence, and if I had to wake up 3-4 times a week like I will from now on when I smoked, I’d be so sick. Now, it’s not as hard on my body. Some things aren’t as easy or aren’t as worth God keeping people like me from, so therefore, he lets us have them but makes us pay for them. I told you there’d be a price to pay for this added piece of normalcy. I knew that if he didn’t wake me up, God would use some other source to get me up, but hey, if I have to get up 3-4 times a week in order to share a bed with my own husband - fine.

Of course, it’s also God’s way of showing me and reminding me that it’s not easy getting up every day, so imagine getting up several times a day, you can’t handle it and aren’t worthy of motherhood. And yes, destiny came as I said it would and to add insult to injury, I woke up to a full flow as well as a ball game.

Once again, it really scares the shit out of me to know that some of us can be forcefully under the control and influence of something so hateful, so mean, and so evil. Something that has no empathy whatsoever and no concern for human emotions at all. This brings me to what my New Year’s resolution is all about. Maybe Tom really did get this bed and is gonna change our insurance with the hopes that it’ll help us towards a child, but I know I’ll never have a child. Nonetheless, instead of having my New Year’s resolution be about losing weight (which God would really never let me do since getting the bed), I’m gonna work on my courage. Or lack of it, rather. As I’ve said, the two basic reasons I’m afraid to see a doctor is cuz A: it won’t get me what I want. B: if I did get what I wanted, there’d be holy hell to pay for it. Still, if there’s the slightest chance that Tom’s sincerer about having a kid than I’ve always believed, it’s the least I can do. If he went through the trouble of getting the bed and is about to go through the hassles of changing our insurance, I’ll try to work around my superstitious fears and not let them hold me back. If I can’t do it for me, I’ll do it for him. My never seeing a doctor isn’t just denying myself the slightest shot at a child, it’s denying Tom that, too.

I don’t know how honest Tom would be with a doctor, though, cuz regardless of what he says, I believe he’s just as scared. Only his is in a different way. I’m afraid that he’ll fight the doctors and either not level with them as far as how our sex lives have been, or he won’t accept their help as far as doing anything to improve that.

Anyway, the bottom line is this - I know that December will hold the usual part-time sex for us and that maybe he’ll cum once in December. I also know I won’t be pregnant. And lastly, I know that God, and maybe Tom too, will try to stall, make excuses, or block any help from a doctor, but I shall do my best to work around all this and work up my courage.

The shitty thing about this ball playing is that it was probably those kids who live in this neighborhood somewhere, which would be worse than if it was visitors of theirs. Cuz if it’s neighborhood kids, they won’t go away. They’ll be playing after school and on weekends till June for all I know, and the freeloader will gladly let them. His car probably wasn’t there when these kids passed by and they just helped themselves to the hoop and started playing. Kids are like that and they will walk up to someone’s hoop and use it until and if someone shoos them away.

Later…

Tom said that 3 seconds after I went back to bed, they quit playing ball. Yeah, I thought that this fan, which is quieter than the one that broke, was doing too good of a job. Great, so now I can’t sleep when the rude neighborhood kids decide to play a few seconds, or maybe a few hours, of basketball when they pass by. I don’t know if they only played for a few minutes cuz perhaps my lock is still wedged in the net, or what?

And the mice count keeps getting higher! Apparently, Cocoa didn’t get that big and has already had her babies. There are definitely two different litters, not counting Ziggy’s two, cuz I got a really good look at them earlier. Between Shy and Cocoa, one had 6 and the other had 5. That’s 16 mice we’ve got!

I moved all the mice back downstairs into the aquarium and later on, Tom and I are gonna get a bottle holder so they can have a more stable water supply down there. This way, with them down there, they can have access to 3 wheels. I also have 3 straight tubes lying at a 45-degree angle so that Ziggy’s two babies can learn to climb. Tanner, as I call Ziggy’s albino baby, really loves to climb up and down this thing, but Spot hasn’t bothered yet. Shy really seems to like this new setup. I’ve never seen her so full of spunk before.

[deyadee]

It Doesn’t Sink In Until You Actually Look in the Mirror

I feel like recently once been doing better compared to past years. I’d say I only have a complete breakdown like once a week to a month depending on how things are going. Though there’s still always a feeling at the back of my mind no matter what I’m doing air where I am that’s always scratching and clawing away at me. I have nothing to look forward to. I distract myself day to day with whatever mini arch’s going to get some comedy for the people who are still watching this late into the series, after the quality’s severely gone down and the plots are just getting reused from previous seasons. I don’t really know what kind of job I would want to do because I get bored of things so quickly, and any job I find that I do like I usually leave because I think I can do better money-wise. Though I never save up to move out. What’s the point? To speedrun my fucking depression? Because I know the second I’m completely out on my own for like a week I’ll blow my brains out. I try to pretend like I don’t need people, and I’m pretty introverted so it’s not like I always feel like I need to be around people- but that tends to make me spend what feels like weeks holed up in my room and slowly dying since there’s so little time to spend with the few people around me anymore. Parents are always working. Sisters have their own million things to do. The one friend I have I don’t have any money so I don’t want to bother if I can’t pay for anything that I would wanna do. So I wait for a time when something can happen, and I’m disappointed because everyone’s too tired and busy. I don’t blame them. For my last job I couldn’t do a lot because I was working a lot of the time. So now I dig my face in my phone and try to get through the day. I clean toys, fix my collection. I got a TikTok account and started making videos but now I’m just addicted to watching the numbers slightly go up. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten it but I fucking did with the excuse that there’s more MH videos on there or whatever. Still a fucking hypocrite as always.

But anyways- I know that once I leave my parent’s house there’s nothing for me out there. I feel bad for leeching off of them this long but I don’t have the money and I know on the little times I’ve been truly alone I’ve come seconds away from being another body bag. What is there out there? Exploration that I don’t want to do? Finding a job that ranges from hating it but gets enough money to get by or a job I like where I get paid like I work at McDonald’s? Wasting my time searching for some magical fucking unicorn of a girl to not think I’m repugnant and take me as her like fiftieth option only for us to end in loveless marriage where she’s fucking my friend because I have nothing to offer, if I CAN EVEN FIND A WOMAN? Maybe ending up in a loveless hetero marriage where I’m used as a fucking toy to some manchild before I gut myself? Having kids that I’ll want to strangle after having that little fucker destroy my body even further than I already have before they grow up to be a crack dealer before killing me and taking my last sixteen bucks? Building a collection that just gets me a small hit of dopamine for spending like $50 a day, only for some scum of the fucking earth to break in and steal it all? Care about politics for every single fucking brain-rotted 900-year-old to stroll up and pick the dumbest fucking decisions possible and send everybody back to the fucking Stone Age? Eat myself to death to get that last shred of dopamine? Care about my appearance for it to just continually get worse until I fit perfectly into everyone’s favorite little trailer trash trope? WHAT IS THERE TO FUCKING LIVE FOR?! If this is supposed to be the goddamn peak of my life both physically and emotionally and I’m sitting here staring at a screen and praying that I get 100 fucking people to sit and watch me play with dolls?

A random thought, but I rewatched Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron recently. It’s been one of my favorite movies since I was a kid but I don’t watch it often so I don’t get burnt out on it, so when I rewatched it the other day it felt like I was watching it for the first time. I was legitimately crying at the end because I love that movie so much. I pretty much never feel anything after watching a movie besides “Oh that was pretty good” or “That was bad.” This feeling I got in that moment was pure fucking bliss. I for once felt like life was worth living, like the world could be beautiful and people could make art so powerful that it actually changes you. I know, I know, it’s stupid. But my heart was soaring and I felt like humans weren’t actual hell for once. Life is precious and worth it and you can find the most brilliant amazing beautiful things in places where most people might not. I loved a lot of movies before, and I’ve always loved this movie but this time it felt like it hit me just perfectly. I’ve seen movies that made me feel a certain way, but I was full-on bawling afterwards out of joy for once. I couldn’t stop crying and smiling.

I still don’t know why I felt so happy after it.