#Depersonalization

[celestialhypomaniac]

[zore014]

⋆2024⋆

[hyperfixation-fix]

I had DPDR (depersonalisation/derealisation) disorder as a teen. For those who don't know, DPDR is when your brain is so overwhelmed by pain and fear and misery that it decides the only way to survive is to disconnect. Depersonalisation is where your brain severs the connection between your consciousness and your body, so it feels like your body isn't real/isn't yours. Derealisation is where your brain severs the connection between your consciousness and the world around you, so the world itself doesn't feel real.

Nico (almost) losing himself to Shadow Travel in BoO hits a little too close to home. It's exactly how it feels to experience the world and your body slipping out of your grasp as a DPDR episode flares up.

It feels like dying, from the outside in.

Always have, always will headcannon Nico as having DPDR, and recovering from it as he finds a home at CHB.

If you're curious, I've put more of my experience below. But please proceed with caution - I've tried to keep it non-triggering but there are a lot of detailed descriptions of DPDR, so if that's going to trigger you, please don't read on. Take care of yourself ❤️

I mostly experienced derealisation. I'm currently in a bad episode for the first time in years, and it's interesting (if terrifying) to revisit this feeling.

It feels like you're dreaming or hallucinating, or like there's a thick layer of gel between your consciousness and everything else. Any outside stimuli - ideas, words, experiences, sensations - get lodged in the gel and while I can see them, I can't engage with them. If I really want to, I have to reach out through the gel, force my way through it, grab ahold of the stimulus, and yank it back through the gel and into my brain. It works, but it's slow and exhausting.

I have a vivid memory of the moment I realised my brain was broken, really and truly broken (or it felt like it). I was 11 or 12, standing in my friend's kitchen. She'd asked me to get something out of the pantry, but I just stared into it. Shapes and colours filled the shelves, but they weren't things, they didn't mean anything. I had to reach through the gel layer around my mind and drag each item in, so I could hold it up in my brain next to the thing I was looking for and go, "no, they don't match. Next."

This broken-brain-thing happened every few months or so, and although I felt crazy, the doctor said there was nothing wrong except slightly low vitamin D. So I ignored the pit of dread in my stomach and kept keeping on.

5 years later, I took an overnight flight for a school trip and missed a night of sleep. I dozed off in the museum, and when I opened my eyes again, I wasn't awake. I could have sworn my feet weren't touching the ground when I walked, and that the familiar faces of my friends warped slightly in front of me, and I was sure they disappeared entirely when I turned my back. My body tingled and my brain felt fuzzy. Was I dreaming still? The clocks told the time correctly, and I could feel my head ache dully, but... the world didn't feel right. And as I floated down the corridor, down the steps, into the bus, I became more and more certain that if this was a dream, it was only a matter of time before it became a nightmare. And the more terrified I became, the more I could feel my consciousness sinking deeper into my brain, further and further away from the world. I cried and shook and shut down, and the teacher phoned my parents, who were furious that I had wasted the trip. I was welcomed home with scathing silence and biting judgement. My brain decided then and there that it was done, that is was out. of. options. If I was going to survive the next 2 years, then staying disconnected was the only way to do it.

So I got through my final years of high school and my first year of uni in a haze. I got top grades. Of course I did - my brain was on autopilot. Finally, I got the right therapy, medication, diagnosis. I moved out. Slowly, slowly, the wall of gel thinned and dissipated, and the world was real again.

Now I almost never feel like this. As much as I hate it, I know it will go away again, like it has before. I know this is my brain wrapping me in cotton wool while it drags me through the thicket of thorns to the other side. I know it's worried about me, and trying to keep me safe, and I'm thankful for that.

[vixensofdeath]

the urge to die and become nothing becomes stronger every day

[morggo]

I looked in the mirror and did not recognize my own face

3.75" x 3.75" pen on paper

[nyancrimew]

i think the funniest thing about living such a surreal life while having dissociative disorders is that shit sometimes starts feeling so profoundly unreal that im not exactly sure how to even explain to myself anymore what my life is, like this just feels like a weird cyberpunk tv drama im watching sometimes but like no girlie this is ur life

[savemefrommymindpls]

[ladycatashtrophe]

"Wow, you're so self-aware! It takes most people years of therapy and dedication to get to that point." Thanks, I constantly feel completely disconnected from my physical being and the material sensation of my body, brain, and spirit/soul is so overwhelming that I often have to see myself as an objective third-party instead of an integrated entity. Father son holy spirit and all that.

[funeral]

I was disappearing, evaporating, slipping away. A dreadful sensation, like being ripped from the realm of the living, but in slow motion. As though my soul was leaking through the pores of my skin. I began wandering the streets all through the night, searching for a sign. Some proof of life. Around me, the city, misty and otherworldly, was taking on the sepia hues of an old film. If I raised my eyes, the railings of the public garden in front of which I was standing seemed to be moving on their own, turning like a magic lantern, three or four images a second, like eyelids blinking, slowly and regularly. Something inside me was still in revolt. I wanted to scream: Is anybody there?

Vanessa Springora, Consent

[chemicalcarousel]

[lycanthrop-ee-art]

brief multi-media zine about lycanthropy and depersonalization <33

printable version under the cut !

[bl0w-m3]

[multiplicity-positivity]

(Image ID:) a blue, green, and white graphic titled “Depersonalization versus Derealization: Exploring the differences in two dissociative symptoms” organized in two columns. The left hand column is titled “Depersonalization” with a stock icon of a head with a scribbled like for the brain. The right hand column is titled “Derealization” with a stock icon of a broken heart.

The statements in the “Depersonalization” column read: “I have trouble recognizing myself, including my reflection and aspects of my identity,” “I feel as though I don’t exist, like I’m invisible, or like someone besides me is controlling my body,” “I feel disconnected from thoughts, memories, and actions, and have a weak sense of identity,” and “I feel numb physically and emotionally when recalling my own past or painful events.”

The statements in the “Derealization” column read: “I have trouble recognizing my surroundings and environment,” “I feel as though the world around me doesn’t exist, including places and people I interact with daily,” “I feel disconnected from reality and struggle to determine what’s real and what isn’t,” and “I feel numb to the world around me, and daily life seems foggy, unreal, and fake.”

Below these columns is the word “sources:” with the following links:

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/dissociative-disorders/

https://www.isst-d.org/public-resources-home/fact-sheet-iv-what-are-the-dissociative-disorders/

https://www.dpmanual.com/articles/depersonalization-and-derealization-whats-the-difference/

(END ID)

This infographic was made by us, Halberd (@dreamlandsystem). Feel free to save and share as much as you’d like. Program used: Canva. Image credits: Pixabay. This infographic explores our personal experiences with DPDR, with additional sources for further reading.

[vixensofdeath]

I disassociate the whole day then wonder why I don’t remember anything

[gynoidgearhead]

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[leafsea]