#Dick Grayson Being a Little Shit

[random-sparks-98]

Divorced. Beheaded. Died. Divorced. Beheaded. Survived. Tonight, Gotham, We Are LIVE! (3905 words) by Sparky441 Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Batman - All Media Types Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Characters: Dick Grayson, Barbara Gordon, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown, Cassandra Cain, Duke Thomas, Damian Wayne, Harleen Quinzel, Pamela Isley, Edward Nygma, Jonathan Crane, Oswald Cobblepot, Harvey Dent, Selina Kyle, Bruce Wayne, Alfred Pennyworth Additional Tags: Chaotic Batfamily (DCU), Tired Parent Bruce Wayne, Crazy Gotham City, Inspired by Six the musical, Crack Treated Seriously, Life in Gotham City (DCU), Gotham City Rogues, It's Halloween Folks, Dick and Harley are on the same wavelength, Chaotic Harleen Quinzel, Chaotic Dick Grayson, Jason Todd Being a Little Shit, bat kids being little shits, Dick Grayson Being a Little Shit, Stephanie Brown Being a Little Shit, Tim Drake Being a Little Shit, Duke Thomas is a Batfamily Member, Duke Thomas Being a Little Shit, Damian Wayne is a Little Shit, Cassandra Cain Being a Little Shit, BAMF Barbara Gordon, chaotic selina kyle, I'd love to say, no beta we die like robins, but there was actually some beta so-, some beta we come back like robins

Summary: Dick bursts into the room. “I’ve just had the Greatest Idea for a group costume this year!!!”

Jason glances over from where he’s holding Damian’s katana out of reach. “Will it fuck with Bruce?”

Dick grins widely. “Of course!”

The assembled bat kids all share a maniacal grin. ”Say no more. We’re in.”

–🦇–

Meanwhile, across Gotham:

Harley bursts into the room. “I’ve just had the Greatest Idea for a group costume this year!!!”

Ivy looks up from the plant she was tending to. “Will it fuck with the bat?”

Harley grins widely. “Of course!”

The assembled rouges all share a maniacal grin. “Say no more. We’re in.”

–🦇–

Meanwhile, in the Batcave:

Bruce shudders as a sudden chill runs down his spine. He brushes it off and turns back to the case file he’s working on. It must be the normal coldness of the cave.

Surely not something else.

Summary:

Dick bursts into the room.

“I’ve just had the Greatest Idea for a group costume this year!!!”

Jason glances over from where he’s holding Damian’s katana out of reach. “Will it fuck with Bruce?”

Dick grins widely. “Of course!”

The assembled bat kids all share a maniacal grin. ”Say no more. We’re in.”

–🦇–

Meanwhile, across Gotham:

Harley bursts into the room.

“I’ve just had the Greatest Idea for a group costume this year!!!”

Ivy looks up from the plant she was tending to. “Will it fuck with the bat?”

Harley grins widely. “Of course!”

The assembled rouges all share a maniacal grin. “Say no more. We’re in.”

–🦇–

Meanwhile, in the Batcave.

Bruce shudders as a sudden chill runs down his spine. He brushes it off and turns back to the case file he’s working on. It must be the normal coldness of the cave. 

Surely not something else.

[deadsetobsessions]

Damian Wayne was like a duckling. A violent, stab-happy, danger-prone duckling, yes, but a duckling all the same. Which means when Danny almost got stabbed by a sleepy, instinct driven Damian, he was able to wave it off with a laugh. Damian, on the other hand, stared in horror at the butter knife firmly lodged in Danny’s arm.

“PENNYWORTH!” Danny jerked back at Damian’s scream. “RICHARD! FATHER!”

God damn, the kid had a pair of lungs on him. Danny’s wince was interpreted as pain to Damian, who gently grabbed his injured arm and started to pull him towards the kitchen’s marble island.

Danny blinked, non plussed as his hearing picked up a thundering of feet as the present family members scrambled towards Damian’s distress call.

“Wait, Damian, I’m fine. It’s-”

“You have been impaled, you imbecile! Had it been any of the other simpletons, they would have-!”

“Ouch.” Danny put his other hand in mock hurt over his slow-beating heart. He literally doesn’t care about the butter knife. He’s just impressed there was enough force in there to impale him. “Are you calling me names now? After- gasp- stabbing me?”

Before Damian could reply, the beginnings of regret, remorse, and guilt on his face, Alfred, Dick, and Bruce burst into the kitchen.

“What happened?!”

“My word, master Danny!”

“What is it?!”

“I’m fine. It’s like a small stab. Not even a big stab. I’m good.”

Dick paled, seeing Danny’s arm clutched in Damian’s hand.

“That’s- that’s a knife. In your arm. How is that ‘fine’?!”

“What happened.” Bruce asked Damian, gently removing Danny’s arm from Damian’s death clutch.

“I- I did not mean to,” Damian starts, guilt coloring his voice.

“He didn’t,” Danny cuts in. “I startled him and got stabbed for being dumb. I won’t fault him for having a defense mechanism like that, ancient knows what I might do if you guys startled me.”

The awkward silence that settled at his words made Danny twitch awkwardly.

“Uh, so, can I add this knife to my collection? Even if I didn’t get mugged?”

“Danny.”

“Bruce.” Danny stared stubbornly back. With his uninsured hand, he patted Damian on the head. He was going to enjoy the fluffiness before Damian’s guilt was no longer enough to hold him back from snapping at Danny’s hand like a grumpy alligator. Bruce loses, obviously. He’s a teenager who was also an ex-vigilante. Batman’s got nothing on a determined halfa.

“Master Danny, I must insist you refrain from getting stabbed. There is only so much gauze and antiseptic cream in the house.” Alfred returned- huh, when did he leave?- with a med kit.

Danny called bullshit because he knows there’s a whole ass medical bay beneath the manor.

“Sorry.”

“No need to apologize.” Alfred said, promptly beginning the extraction of the butter knife.

“Are you okay?” Dick asked, hovering worriedly. “He- are you…?”

Damian was allowing Danny to ruffle his hair, so…

“Yep, I’m good. This isn’t even on my top thirty most painful stabbings,” and it really wasn’t. That honor was given to the GIW and that one time Jazz accidentally stabbed him with her earrings. “That was pretty impressive, actually. It’s like, a butter knife. The other ones had pointy ends.”

“Do not clump me with those pathetic wastes of spaces. I am naturally superior and would… would never harm you on purpose.” Damian said, getting quiet at the end like he was trying to plead to Danny to believe him.

“Of course not. But- if you want help me keep the knife, you can hit me with a mug, it would technically be a mugging.”

The pun got the desired effect. Damian leaned away with a disgruntled look and Dick stopped hovering as close in order to let out a small cackle.

“Done.”

“You should go get changed, kiddo. We’re going to see Tim’s photography at the Gotham Gallery today.”

“Oh, for real?” Danny patted Damian’s fluffy hair one last time, pushing away from the counter. “Oh, I’ll clean up here first and-”

“That will not be necessary,” Alfred scolded, a mop somehow already in his hands. “Please see to it you are prepared for the day.”

“Thanks, Alfred. Can I keep the knife.”

“Very well.”

“Sweet. See you guys later?” Danny pranced off after seeing the nods.

——

“He’s… he got stabbed a lot. Before us, I mean.” Dick tapped a furious rhythm onto the counter. “Not that we’ve stabbed him until now but even once is concerning for a civilian.”

“He was used to it.” Bruce replied.

“Perhaps we should join Todd in his endeavor and ensure that his worthless tormentors are permanently out of the picture.”

“God, he said top thirty. He was counting.”

Damian silently withdrew a kitchen knife.

“No murder with my quality chef’s knives, Master Damian.”

“Tt.”

“Master Jason follows the same rules. Now, out of the kitchen. I may be old, but I remember the last time master Bruce and master Dick stepped foot in here and I will not have a repeat.”

[ktkat99]

Dick- Hey, Tim. What's new?

Tim- I know that tone. I don't like that tone. What do you want?

Dick- Nothing! I just heard one of those psa's about checking in on the quiet people in your life. Making sure you're okay. Seeing what you've been up to.

Tim- Oh, you mean like getting married?

Dick- ...wut

Tim- Yeah, I married Connor last month.

Dick- What do you mean you married Connor?

Tim- What do you mean what do I mean? I married Connor. Do you have any idea what kinds of tax benefits we get? And besides, he's the son of one of the richest men on the planet.

Dick- Tim, you hold the entire Drake fortune. You are the CEO of Wayne Enterprises. You are the son of Bruce Fucking Wayne. YOU are one of the richest men on the planet.

Tim- Yes. But also tax benefits.

Dick- You forged documents to create an entire fake uncle, but you got married for real?

Tim- You told me not to forge legal documents anymore. What choice did I have? So if you think about it, this is on you.

Dick- You got married. And told NONE of us. For tax benefits?!??

Tim, smirking- I didn't say that was the only benefit.

[qcomicsy]

Jason: You redecorated the league. . . You don't seem the designer type.

Future!Damian: I told all of you I rebuilt the League from the ground.

Jason: You said scratch–

Dick: And you didn't mean literally–

Future!Damian:

Dick:

Dick: Oh my god you did– He did mean literally.

Bruce: You blew up the league of assassin's?

Future!Damian: No, I am not stupid.

Future!Damian: Timothy did.

Future!Damian: Twice.

Bruce: Twice??

Tim:

Tim: You know, I can't even pretend to be surprised on that one. I really would.

[that1emowitch]

Bruce, high on painkillers, is being babysat by Jason. Jason has to do an emergency Red Hood thing, and lacking an alternative, slaps a stock domino on Bruce and drags him along.

Bruce proceeds to say/do the most unhinged shit. The goons are suddenly viscerally aware of where Hood got it from.

WOW okay you guys are unhinged, you know that?

(And I love it <3)

A/N: I fully intended to write a crack fic, but the feels crawled in through the plot holes I missed and made their homes in the heart of the story. Also I don't know what you mean by 'stock domino' so I'm assuming it's one of those dollar store ripoffs.

(TW: Accidental overdosing on painkillers, mentions of blood, Jason's usual level of swearing, some goons almost dying but like in a funny way.)

Word Count: 2328

Jason wants to scream.

Like, let it rip out on an abandoned cliff in the howling rain kinda scream.

But no, he's stuck babysitting Brucie Wayne who accidentally OD'd on fucking painkillers after trying to treat himself in Alfred's unfortunate absence (how does that even happen?!).

Dick and Damian are out doing some brotherly-bonding thing, Tim's with the Titans, Duke and Cass are at the movies, and Steph has declared herself "not one of Bruce's kids." Leaving Jason as the only one free to look after their "Dad".

Jason pushes Bruce down on the Batcave's gurney for the billionth time after he attempts (keyword: attempts) to walk again, scowling. None of them are getting any waffles from me again. Or pancakes. Or scones. Or anything I make for them out of my sweet, kind heart. Those little shits.

Jason puts two fingers on Bruce’s wrist, checking his pulse. His skin is cold and clammy, breathing slow, but at least he’s not vomiting anymore. He sighs, collapsing on a chair beside Bruce. He's tired. So fucking tired.

Just as Jason's eyes flutter shut for a moment, the Batcomputer's alarm suddenly blares.

Bruce shoots up, shouting, "ALARM!"

Grumbling, Jason drags himself to the computer, pushing Bruce down along the way. He opens the glaring red notification, brows creased.

Black Mask's goons have intercepted some military shipment...

"Ugh..." Jason groans, and moves to put on his helmet (he never changed out of his costume), checking his guns, when a sudden crash from behind him snaps his attention to the man-child he's supposed to be babysitting.

Bruce has stepped off the gurney and collapsed face-down on the med bay's floor.

He can't just leave him there, can he?

Jason considers his options: He could either strap Bruce to the gurney and leave (in which case Dick will have his head), or he could take Bruce out on the streets with him (in which case Dick will absolutely want to murder him.)

Jason smirks. It’s obvious which one’s the right choice.

Ten minutes later, Jason’s riding through the city at over a hundred miles per hour, with Bruce strapped to the backseat of his motorcycle. Bruce is wearing a dollar store ripoff of the Robin domino and a Robin-themed cape made of Tim’s bedsheets, looking absolutely ecstatic at the high speed.

They arrive at the warehouse where Black Mask’s goons have transported their stolen goods, parking in a shadowed spot a building away. Jason gets off, helping Bruce onto his feet, and says, “Now, I’m going to go shoot some people, you stay hidden and quiet, got that?”

“Guns are bad,” Bruce replies, holding a finger to Jason’s helmet. “Just like clowns. And ducks.”

Raising an eyebrow, Jason shakes his head. He doesn’t have time for this right now.

Jason quickly scales the nearest building, grappling to the roof of the warehouse. He peeks in through a hatch in the roof to survey the area. There are about a dozen armed goons, none of them looking very bright. There are 4 crates they’re guarding, likely filled with ammo.

Cocking his guns, Jason jumps down through the hatch, landing right in the middle of the warehouse with a ‘thud’ sound. “Surprise,” He grins, raising his guns.

“Aye, that’s Red Hood, ain’t it?” Comes a goon’s terrified voice. The others around him immediately aim their guns at Jason— they’re clearly untrained.

Suddenly there’s another thud behind him. “That’s a bucket, you morons!” Comes a too-familiar, slurred voice. Jason turns around to come face-to-face with Bruce, eyes wide. 

In a fight with any real criminals, this distraction would have cost Jason his life. But luckily these adorably clueless goons are just as shocked as him.

Unfortunately the distraction only lasts for a few seconds. Jason immediately jumps into the fight, shooting three goons in the kneecaps and dodging a few bullets. From the corner of his eye, he sees two more goons running out the door, crying. He punches another guy in the face, instantly knocking him out, and is about to turn back to check on Bruce when suddenly something hard collides with his skull.

Jason staggers slightly, trying to regain his balance, when he sees a goon holding a giant stone, wearing a proud grin.

Fuck, his helmet’s probably busted…

Then suddenly Bruce is running towards the goon, hands fisted and veins popping, screaming, “NO ONE HURTS MY SON!”

Then Bruce’s fist collides with the goon’s with a sickening crunch, splattering blood across the floor as the man crumples to the ground. Bruce doesn’t stop there, and continues to beat him up, yelling profanities.

It warms Jason’s cold, (un)dead heart to watch that— to see his Dad fighting for him. It’s like they say, you’re most truthful when you’re drunk— or high. This is how much Bruce loves him.

Then another thought strikes him— Bruce is going to regret being this violent when he sobers up. It’s going to claw at him, tear him up, and he’s going to compartmentalize and end up punishing himself by overworking.

Jason rushes forward, pulling Bruce off of the man. “B— Robin, stop!” He shouted, looking into the man’s domino-covered eyes.

Bruce’s brows furrow. “Robin?”

Jason points to Bruce’s Robin-themed cape and stock domino.

“Ah.” Bruce nods, pulling away. “You okay? Did you see any duck?”

“Duck?” Jason pauses in confusion. But before he can question it farther, he spies the three remaining goons using a ladder to climb up through the roof of the warehouse, trying to escape.

“Stay here. And do not move.” Jason orders Bruce, and runs after them.

He makes his way up the ladder as fast as he can , exiting under the polluted night sky. The goons, the ridiculously stupid goons, are standing around the edge of the roof, trying to figure out how they’re going to get down.

He doesn’t get paid enough to deal with this ridiculous shit.

Actually, scratch that, he doesn’t get paid at all.

“Wow, you guys are pathetic,” Comes Red Hood’s robotic voice, startling the goons, and one of them accidentally topples over the edge, screaming. Jason ensures that the guy’s hanging on tight— he can wait.

He cocks his guns, aiming both at the two standing goons. Both men are trembling with fear, hands up in surrender. “Hood— Mr. Hood, please—” One of them squeaks, but one look from Jason shuts him up.

“Please. Mr. Hood was my father,” Jason quips, his robotic chuckle sounding sinister. 

That’s when he hears another voice behind him (again)— “But I’m your father.”

Jason jumps, whipping around. “How did you— I didn’t even hear you come!”

Bruce just shrugs innocently, waving his bloodstained hands at the terrified goons.

Then Jason hears the distinct sound of a gun being cocked. From the corner of his eye he sees the bolder of the goons, the one that had spoken before, taking aim.

“DUCK!” He yells, falling out of the way.

Instead of dodging, Bruce falls into a defensive stance, looking around frantically. “Where?!”

The bullet barely misses Bruce’s ear as he turns his head.

Jason has had it with sky-high Bruce now. Annoyance rising, he quickly shoots the two goons in the kneecaps, forgetting about the one hanging off the edge, and stalks up to Bruce, glaring.

“What is up with you and ducks?!” He demands, his voice raised.

“Ducks are evil,” Bruce spits, nose wrinkled. “Just like clowns. And bats.”

Jason’s brows raise. “Bats are evil?”

“Yeah, duh, that’s why everyone’s scared of Batman.” Bruce rolls his eyes, his drawl sounding too much like Steph. “Bats are scary.”

“You really took ‘become what you fear’ too literally, huh?” Jason snorts, putting his guns back in their holsters. Then he takes off his helmet, checking the damage— just a slight crack at the back. Not too bad.

“You know, I fell into a hole and into a cave when I was a boy and a dozen bats attacked me. I nearly died.” Bruce continues, gesturing towards the air with his hands. 

“Yeah, right.” Jason shakes his head, chuckling. “Now come on, we gotta get you back.”

That’s when another voice rings out, high-pitched and scared. “Um, Mr. Hood? Please HELP! Please, please, please—”

Jason’s attention snaps to the corner of the roof— ah, right, the goon’s still hanging off the edge, isn’t he?

He grumbles, making his way over, and squats above the man, shaking his head. The man below him looks like he’s pissed himself, face ashen, tears running down his cheeks, muttering, “I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die…” On repeat.

“I’ll pull you up on one condition,” Jason looks down at him, voice low. “Never become a gun for hire again. If I see you fighting on the streets…” He pulls out his gun.

“No, no, I won’t, I swear…” The man whimpers, eyes squeezed shut. Jason sighs, and grabs the man by the collar and hauls him up. He crumples onto the roof, curling into a ball.

“Take out your phone and dial 911, tell them you’ve been naughty,” Jason orders, his gun pointed at the man’s head. (What? A guy needs to have some fun.)

The man whines, and immediately obliges.

“Pathetic,” Jason ties the man up quickly, and makes his way over to Bruce, who was sitting on the floor of the roof, taking apart some random crushed handphone he’s found.

“Get up, old man. GCPD will be here soon. We’re going home.” He pulls Bruce up, ignoring how he longingly stares at the dismantled phone.

The two of them grapple down from the roof, landing safely on the pavement. As they walk towards his bike, Bruce says, “Did you know I ate a phone once?”

Jason stumbles slightly. “What?”

“Tasted nice. Like electricity. Crackle-y.” Bruce hummed, his face straight (as straight as someone dating Superman could be). He isn't kidding.

That, or he's delusional.

“Don't try it. You might turn into a computer or something.” Bruce nodded very seriously.

“Oh god,” Jason snorts. “I'm so glad my helmet’s recording all this. Perfect blackmail material.”

“Black's a very, very pretty color.”

Jason rolls his eyes, revving the motor, making sure Bruce is safely strapped onto the backseat behind him. “You're just emo.”

“What's emo?” Bruce raises an eyebrow, words slightly slurred.

“Y'know, when people wear all that black makeup, skinny jeans, with hair covering their eyes.” Jason explains, putting a spare helmet on Bruce's head. “And listen to, like, My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy and Panic! At The Disco. The Emo Trinity.”

“Oh, oh!” Bruce's eyes sparkle. “Dickie used to do that! He went to a My Chemmy concert once, but he didn't want me coming along.” He pouts.

Jason thinks of all the times Gerard Way has shoved a mic down his throat and grabbed his junk. “Yeah, I wonder why.”

Then he turns around to look Bruce in the eye. “But, Golden Boy was emo? Seriously?”

Bruce just smiles and nods, saying, “Now go.”

“Going,” Jason smirks and speeds down the streets of Gotham city, not slowing down until their surroundings change from shitty apartment buildings and broken street lights to the eerie quiet of Bristol. He can see the Manor in the distance when he takes a hidden turn, straight down the road that leads to the Batcave. 

He pulls into the underground ‘garage’ section of the Cave, parking his bike before helping Bruce off. As he removes Bruce’s ripoff domino and “cape”, he says sternly, “Now, you tell no one of what we did today, got that? Not a soul.”

Bruce just flashes a thumbs-up and smiles in the most un-Bruce-like way possible. It’s a little creepy, honestly.

“And even if you remember this once you sober up you won’t talk, because you swore on your soul not to tell.”

“Mhm. Kay.”

“Good.” Jason smiles slightly, helping Bruce back to the gurney, making him lie down. He checks him over for any symptoms that the painkiller overdose is making his health worse. His skin’s still cold and clammy, but his breathing’s more steady. His pupils aren’t as small anymore, and he’s way more responsive than he was an hour ago.

Huh. Maybe all he really needed was some exercise.

Jason sits down beside his father, taking a deep breath. “Hey, uh… Did you really mean that, back there? That… That I’m your son?”

Bruce’s brows furrow. “Yes, who else’s son would you be? Superman’s?”

A short laugh escapes Jason. He moves closer to Bruce, lying down so his head is resting beside the older man’s. “I just…” He sighs, unable to form the right words. “I know it doesn’t always seem like it, but… I love you, Dad.”

“Aww, Jaybird…” Bruce’s hand moves sluggishly to cradle Jason. “I love you so much more than you could ever imagine.”

A small smile plays on Jason’s lips as he closes his eyes, leaning into his Dad’s touch. Maybe… maybe babysitting a high Bruce isn’t so bad.

[BONUS!!!]

Dick walks into the infirmary nearly an hour later with Damian trailing behind him, intending to check up on Bruce. He’s been ringing Jason’s phone for a while now, but he hasn’t been picking up. And… Honestly, Dick’s getting worried.

“Tt. I knew we shouldn’t have left Father’s safety in the hands of an incompetent fool such as Todd,” Damian frowns, scowling.

“No, no, it’s probably just a misunderstanding,” Dick tries to reassure his baby brother, but he picks up his pace. “I mean, we both know what Jason’s like. One moment he’s nice, one moment he’s—”

His voice trails off as he sees Jason sitting on a chair beside Bruce, who’s on the gurney— both asleep, with Jason’s head resting on Bruce’s shoulder, and Bruce cradling him.

“Aww, Little Wing…” Dick smiles, pausing. Even Damian freezes behind him. Dick steers him away, back into the main house, so as to not disturb the sleeping pair. “Yeah, they’re okay. Nothing bad happened.”

[goatsghost]

something i’m just realizing about the “dick is damian’s parent” fics is that they often point out that after bruce came back, dick left for bludhaven immediately. but i just realized that’s not quite true.

bruce came back, and there were briefly two batmans (batmen?) at the same time. and then bruce left the country to go set up batman inc, for some weird reason, and dick stayed as batman to resolve some final issues. so yeah dick and damian kept being batman and robin for a good bit of time after bruce returned. do with that information what you will

[adhdslugcrimes]

If Dick has to be Batman this is my only way I'll enjoy it (def tho cass deserve to be Batman imo)

Bruce: just don't destroy my broody reputation.

Dick: I won't, I promise.

Jason: yeah boy scout got this B, relax.

One news interview with Flash (Wally) and Batman (Dick) making out behind Diana's back

Bruce, vine about to burst on his forehead: RICHARD JOHN GRAYSON-WEST!

Dick: yes, my dearest father? Whatever do you need me for??

Bruce: you little shit.

Dick: I was still broody after the kiss, what more do you want from me!

[mylifeingotham]

[lothirielswandc]

GOOD EASILY FADES AWAY [VILLAIN, Ch. II)

Read on AO3 here!

Finally given room to breathe, Damian returned to his position at Raven’s side. He placed a gentle hand at her lower back. “Mother, this is my Raven.”

Bruce Wayne coughed into his elbow.

“That escalated quickly,” Selina muttered into her wine glass. “Alfred, be a dear and top this off.”

“Only if you save some for me, Miss Kyle.”

Selina and Alfred both watched with the rapt attention of opera attendees as Talia looked between Damian and Raven. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Raven said. “Damian’s told me a lot about you.”

“I would hope so.” Those similar jade eyes drifted back to Damian. Then to Raven. 

Raven prodded ever so slightly with spectral senses at Talia’s emotions. She felt absolutely nothing from her. The underlying love and adoration Talia felt for Damian had a strong presence in the room. But there was nothing else. No hint of annoyance or delight. Like Talia was only made of logic. 

It should’ve been a comfort to Raven, not to have her senses overwhelmed with every single person in the room, but a new wariness rose. Being an empath had its rare perks. She could sense things in conversation that others couldn't. Raven had no idea what irritated Talia, what she liked…

“I have something for you. Come,” Talia gestured languidly with her arm, a movement that rivaled the sleekness of a raindrop gliding down skin. Talia danced to her seat. There was no word close enough to describe her inhumanly-fine grace.

“Why is she seated at the head of the table in your house?” Selina hissed to Bruce.

“She’s only in town for the evening. She’ll be gone soon. Just let her do what she wants.”

“Last time you did that, she drugged you and forced you into conceiving that,” Selina’s gaze slipped toward Damian. They glared daggers at one another. 

Bruce sighed, “You won't let that go, will you?”

“Alfred! More wine!”

Alfred sprinted to the rescue, uncorking a new bottle. Raven and Damian stood across from Bruce and Selina, about to sit down.

“I was hoping she’d sit by me, beloved,” Talia said.

Raven and Damian exchanged a look. Bruce audibly gulped. 

“Okay,” Raven said, ignoring the intensity of the room as she moved over one. Damian seated her before taking the chair across from Selina. 

“Damian told me you were incredibly well-read. I thought you might appreciate these,” Talia set a stack of three hardcover books on the table, tied with a green bow. “Excuse the plainness, I’m not much of a gift wrapper.”

“No, her expertise is chloroform and handcuffs,” said Selina, rolling her eyes.

Alfred moved to fill Selina’s wine glass. Bruce raised a hand, “We’ll take a break for now, Alfred.”

“Thank you,” Raven ignored their exchange and undid the bow to her gift. She studied the golden inscription along the spines. 

“They’re some of the rarest novels from my father’s library. Ra’s had some collections delivered directly from Alexandria’s Library,” Talia said proudly. 

Damian peeked over Raven’s shoulder at the titles. They exchanged a small glance. Raven begged him silently not to open his mouth.

“They’re lovely,” Raven said. 

Talia’s acute awareness of her son was uncanny. “Something on your mind, beloved?”

Raven’s hands curled into her napkin beneath the table. When this is over, we’re establishing new pet names. 

“She’s read all of those already,” Damian said quietly. 

“Ah,” Talia leaned back in her chair.

“It’s a wonderful gift. I enjoyed them very much — it’s nice to have physical copies,” Raven said. 

“Yes. Perhaps you can visit me and we’ll look at Ra’s books together,” Talia said. Something Raven couldn't identify seeped into Talia’s tone. “I only wish I had met you sooner. It would’ve been nice to show you Damian’s home.”

“My home is here.” Damian said. His hand found Raven’s knee beneath the table. “You decided long ago that it was best for me to stay with father.” 

Talia’s mouth opened right as the double doors burst. 

“ ‘Ello, Batsy!” John Constantine bounded into the room with a bottle of champagne under each arm. His boyfriend, Nanue, was on his left, Zatanna Zatara on his right.

Zatanna gasped as soon as she saw Raven. She skirted the table to swoop down for a hug. “Look at you! Your hair looks so pretty —! You look so cute in bangs. Someone might mistake us as mother and daughter!”

Zee’s soft laugh filled the uncomfortable silence of the room along with John’s loud voice and Nanaue’s thundering footsteps. John’s eyes met Raven’s as he set the champagne down, suddenly seeming to read the frostiness of the room.

“Little stiff in here, eh?” Constantine nudged Selina with an elbow. Raven could’ve sworn she heard a hiss. 

“These are your parents…?” Talia’s voice cut clearly across the noise.

Raven’s brain was already tongue-tied, trying to map out the answer to the question.

Zatanna turned away from Raven. “Oh! You’re Talia, it’s so nice to see you again! We met after one of my performances, didn't we? Bruce took you —”

“Of course he did,” Selina muttered. She uncorked one of the champagne bottles with a batarang. A vein was showing on Bruce’s forehead.

Talia’s slender finger pointed at Zatanna. “You’re the magician. The entertainer. Ah, yes, I remember you. You specialized in making elephants float.”

“She can do a lot more than that, love,” John winked. The sound of a chair groaning across the floor followed as John dragged it to the head of the table, wedging himself between Raven and Talia. It was hard for Raven to discern why John would sit there of all places, but he usually found himself directly in the line of fire, anyway. 

“Selina, always a delight! Damian! You look as yummy as ever!” Nanaue licked his rows of razor-sharp teeth. 

Damian shuddered and looked away. Bruce raised his empty wine glass, “Alfred?”

“Coming, Master Bruce.”

“What are those?” John flipped open one of the books Talia had given Raven. “Oh, Alexandria’s stuff, yeah? I have the real copies at the House.”

“Excuse me?” Talia said. Her perfectly-curved eyebrows knit together like knives clashing.

“Yeah. Couple of fake copies out in the world. You can tell these three are some of them due to the binding on the spines,” John shrugged.

When he saw Raven’s look of disdain, his head turned slightly to the side. Raven could hear the gears clicking in his brain. “Oh, bollocks! It’s gift-giving time! We have something for Demon Boy, don't we —? Zee, Nan, stop flirting with the teenage boy.”

“We’re not!” The two said. 

Both hovered over Damian. Zee’s hand was on Damian’s bicep, “Wow, that is authentic.”

“And he smells like a sweet potato pie!” Nanaue chuckled.

Bruce said, “Alfred, more wine.”

“I’m afraid we’re out, sir.” 

“...Damn.” the strong, well-collected Batman pouted over his empty wine glass.

“We’ve got something for the Demon Boy, alright,” John Constantine stood, “Follow me, Baby Bat.”

John strolled along the table to the large french windows lining one of the walls. Damian looked at Raven as if to say, do I have to? before standing upright. 

Damian joined the dark arts master at the windowsill. The windows looked out at the pure black night — but some red still bled along the tips of the sky. 

Damian’s back grew rigid.

“What is that?” he said.

Constantine smiled, but it wasn't a true, happy smile. It was his mocking, I’m-being-an-ass-and-I-know-it smile.

“Your present. From me, to you. I heard you’re into hellspawn,” Constantine said.

Raven shoved her napkin aside. The exuberant feelings wafting off of Constantine worried her. She briskly made her way towards them, “John —”

A loud roar came from outside. The building shook. Glasses rattled (there were many empty wine bottles on the table now, courtesy of Bruce and Selina). Dust hissed from a ceiling crevice. 

Steel shrieked in the air. 

“What have you done?” Talia said. When Raven looked back, Damian’s mother had drawn a long sword. She stood on the table.

“So dramatic,” Selina rolled her eyes. “Could’ve at least chosen one with a hilt that matched your dress. Some thought into an outfit goes a long way.”

Raven reached the windowsill. The sight before her almost coaxed a scream from her lips. The reddened sky wasn't from the sunset — it was fire . 

Flames spouted from a massive dragon bat destroying the grounds. It pounced on the shrubs cut into animals and left the grass scorching. Its long claws scarred the ground. Crimson-leathery wings stretched outward, fanning the flames.

Raven’s fingers clenched the windowpane with a grip so tight it hurt. She looked back to Damian’s face — her breath caught in her throat. A look of wonder crossed Damian’s face. There was a small smile on his lips. 

“I like him.” 

Raven looked back and forth between the smoldering lawn and the flames reflected in her boyfriend’s eyes. 

“You want to keep him?” Raven said.

Damian’s nod was slow. He was still transfixed by the beast.

Constantine chuckled to himself.

Raven shot him a glare. Why would he give Damian anything at all? Raven didn't mention gifts. Constantine had already voiced his hatred of Damian Wayne. So why —?

“Go on, say hi,” Constantine urged.

Damian raced to the far right window and threw it open. A precarious rope swayed before him. He took hold and slipped down the building.

“Who put that rope there?” Bruce said. 

Alfred shifted from one foot to another. “You have a lot of rebellious children, Master Bruce. Perhaps someone wanted to ignore a curfew…”

Raven and Talia reached the window at the same time. She gripped her sword tight. 

“This is what happens when I leave my habibti in the hands of his father,” Talia growled. 

Constantine’s laughter continued. Raven turned to him and the full-out grin on his face.

“Why would you…?” Raven paused. A sick, disgusting answer dawned on her.

No. That can't be true. That’s insane. 

And incredibly hilarious.

Raven ignored her father’s voice in her head. She took a step towards Constantine.

“You didn't.” she said. 

“Uhuh.” John was still smirking.

“I can't believe you!” A crack jutted up the glass window between them as Raven’s voice rose.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” 

Raven closed the distance between them until only inches remained between John’s face and hers. “You hate my boyfriend so much you tried to kill him?”

Damn. I think this is the one time I’m rooting for that glorified quack of a magician.

SHUT UP! 

“Kill is a strong word. Scare, maim perhaps —” Constantine’s tone remained nonchalant, and that angered her more.

“You can’t respect my decision to be with him?” Raven snapped. The house shook once more, but not from the demon bat outside.

“Respect the decision of a teenager? Boy, never thought you to be the delusional type, love,” Constantine said.

“And I suppose your bold move to threaten Batman’s son is completely logical.”

Constantine sighed. He slapped his hands over his eyes and slowly dragged them down, stretching his face. “Oi, kids are a headache. Look, love. You come from the realm of magic, monsters, and mayhem. Baby Bat deserves to know —”

Raven interrupted him. “He already does! We were in my head a month ago, for Azar’s sake!”

Constantine shook his head. Zatanna approached them. She shot a scowl at Constantine that faded into an uneasy expression.

“Unleashing a demon bat on Robin was dumb, John. But…you do have a point,” Zee looked at Raven. Her unspoken apology was written in her blue-gray eyes.

Raven’s eyes darted between them. Zatanna didn't simply remain in John Constantine’s life. A moment when John held Zatanna’s hand once in Raven’s head flashed across her mind.

“Funny. You’re judging my romantic partners when a lot could be said about yours.” Raven said.

Constantine’s face filled her vision. His voice lowered to a threatening timber. “Don't go there, love. You’ll regret that.”

“Like I’ll regret asking you here tonight?”

“By the gods,” Talia’s plea cut them off.

Everyone’s gaze trickled back to the window. All warmth left Raven. She had let her attention stray from Damian. He was strong. But could he hold off a huge, fire-breathing monster —?

Raven and Constantine looked out the window together, frozen.

“What the bloody fuck.”

The dragon bat pounded the ground with its claws. Dirt went flying in all directions. Its eyes were intent on the massive branch in Damian’s hand. 

When he threw it, the beast trampled what little stood in the gardens. Its footsteps boomed like thunder. The demon bat jumped in midair, leather wings slapping the air as a mouth full of massive teeth clamped on the stick —

“What do you know? He really hits it off with hellspawn!” Constantine said, amazed.

Raven and Zatanna glared at him. Zee shook her head at him, “When this night is over, we’re taking a parenting class.”

Selina approached the window with her empty glass of wine. She skimmed the destruction outside with little care. A cruel smile came to her lips as she looked over at Talia, gaping as her son played fetch with the giant monster. 

“Books seem like a pretty lame gift now,” said Selina.

Talia sighed. “I knew I should’ve given her the cursed swords instead…”

Bruce banged his head against the table in the background.

Damian waved at the broken dinner party from the ground. The demon bat charged towards him and sat by his side, drooling over the tree branch.

Damian’s eyes met Raven’s, “Rachel — this is our child now! Come meet Goliath!”

— O U T S I D E   T H E   D I N I N G   R O O M —

The Batfamily lingered outside the door to the dining room, stuffing hands into their mouths to muffle laughter.

“You think we should call for help?” said Tim from his hiding spot behind the drapes. 

Jason Todd snickered as he studied the new hellscape of a lawn. “I like the drunk magician’s style. They’re gonna be dope-ass in-laws!”

“Do you think we should go and help them?” Stephanie asked. 

The Batkids looked at one another.

“Nah. They’re fine.”

Jason glanced over at Dick, “Hey, Dildo. If I order Doordash, will Demon Boy’s new pet chase the delivery guy?”

“There are women present, Todd. Clean up your language,” Cass said. “And order some ice cream, we’re out.”

Read on AO3 here!

[missshezz]

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[jasontoddssuper]

I am severely mentally ill so i made a graph of my Batkids group chat!!Yeah <3

@clanofjones @honeypotsworld @theautisticcentre @insomniac-jay @jelmet @edityrhometown @spnandmarvelrunmylife @cottoncandyspikes @moonage-gaydream

[hood-ex]

So we established the adult Dick isn’t as much of a hugging type as fanon likes to say he is, what about kid!Dick?

Kid!Dick gets trauma/comfort hugs.

Batman: Black and White #5

Batman #54

Robin & Batman #3

Robin: Year One #4

And then there was that one time when he was feeling particularly cuddly... or was he actually just trying to annoy the shit out of Bruce for fun 😏? Methinks the latter 😏...

Year One: Batman/Scarecrow #2

[nope-secret]

A few days ago I saw a girl (~10yo) hold her baby-sibling over a trash can and I immediately had to draw it. It started out with kid!Dick and baby!Damian but somehow morphed into Tim... Ignore the age-difference.

[ktkat99]

So I love the fics of the Batfam finding out Jason is alive and has been alive for a while through the most random circumstances, but what if he got back to Gotham a bit saner and decided to just... see how long it took his family to notice him?

Like food goes missing from the kitchen and Alfred can't figure it out for the life of him until he catches Jason raiding the fridge at two am.

Tim sees Jason sneaking around the manor and just assumes he's hallucinating again.

Bruce notices things around the cave have been moved or are missing and scolds Dick and Tim, who keep denying it was them.

Dick finds the Discowing suit laid out for him everywhere he goes.

[outoftimewriting]

i keep thinking that the court of owls has so much potential for tim drake, but perhaps i just want a comic cover of him sat in a throne with a owl mask

(and dick with yellow eyes crouched by it)

[martyrbat]

batman: the jiro kuwata batmanga #1

[ID: Bruce Wayne laying in bed with a really large head pillow. His face is in a distressed grimace as he tosses and turns before he suddenly bolts upright with a harrowing shout. Bruce sighs and rubs his face, thinking to himself, ‘It was just a dream. A terrible dream...’ to try and calm down. But just then, Dick Grayson bursts into his room! He demands to know what's wrong and says he heard Bruce all the way from his room. Bruce sheepishly apologizes and admits he had a nightmare about a villain they recently defeated. Dick pointedly responds, “Well, you shouldn't obsess over it.” END ID]