#autism and social life

[occaisonalshitposts]

[steakout-05]

in love with how Data runs across the screen back to his station like a fucking cryptid in episode 24

[make-death-proud-to-takeus]

Maybe I'm not introverted, maybe I want community, gossiping over a glass of wine, coffee shop dates, dying in some club's dirty bathroom, knowing half a city and saying hello to my favourite restaurant waiter; maybe I got too badly burned too young, just got too scared, settled for living in numbing comfort

[adhdxxsdiary]

[lachiennearoo]

How to Make Friends

A more-or-less clear guide on social interactions

Growing up with heavy ADHD and generalized anxiety, it was always a bit hard for me to make friends and socialize. Despite my yearning for friendship, I was always "the quiet one" and "a loner", simply because I didn't know how to approach certain social situations, and it made any friendship I had extremely unstable (except for my sister @vive-le-quebec-flouffi, who was so extroverted and friendly it was literally impossible to escape her clutches of socialization)

As I grew older, I learned through a lot of trial and error what makes a good friendship.

Or, rather... what's the best way for someone to WANT to be your friend (without being superficial or hypocritical.)

Now, obviously, this doesn't work for everyone. But this is what I found helped me the most in social circles (especially online) and I hope it can help others too

LET'S BEGIN!

1 - Be yourself

Now that sounds very cliche and cringe, I know, but hear me out, because my opinion on this is not the same as all those feelgood inspirational movies and ads.

"Being yourself" isn't as simple as it seems. Because after all, what does "self" imply? If someone is, say, a criminal, would "be yourself" mean that they should embrace their sinful side?

No, obviously not.

"Be yourself" is a bit more nuanced, but I'll try to boil it down for you.

It just means "be unashamed of your qualities which you think are flaws". For example, "be yourself" would apply to someone who sees themselves as ugly, or maybe someone with an odd yet unharmful hobby, or a weird sense of fashion, or someone with say a handicap, a speech impediment. "Be yourself" is a sentence for the specific people who have genuine good in them, but are afraid to show it to others because they have been persecuted in the past, or are scared to be. It does NOT mean to accept genuine flaws. "Be yourself" does not include say violent anger issues, an addiction, a recent crime committed, or a generally unpleasant personality. Those are obviously not things to encourage. You can understand they may be a thing that happen to you, and accept it in your life, but that's different from being proud of it or encouraging it.

Speaking of personalities... let's talk about that

2 - Be kind

Now when some people hear that, they think it means "always smile no matter what, always look happy and positive, always agree with everyone just so you don't hurt their feelings, and never cause any drama", like you're Deku in My Hero Academia or Steven Universe in his titular show.

But that's... not quite that.

Obviously, kindness is something you use to help people feel better, to cheer up, and feel happy, and obviously to be kind, you need to have compassion, heart, empathy, and always put yourself in other people's shoes regardless of who they are. But it is not necessarily all-encompassing.

There's a rule that I think anyone learning kindness must learn. It's that sometimes, kindness means to be firm.

Not mean, of course. Not judgmental, not insensitive. Don't insult anyone, don't belittle or patronize anyone or make them feel inferior to you. That's still very rude and that's not what you want.

But what I mean is that sometimes, if you know that a person's actions towards something are wrong, especially if it's towards someone else, you must be able to point it out, and act accordingly. Don't just stand there and agree with them just because you don't want to hurt their feelings. You must still be able to know right from wrong. Kindness just means you won't be an ass about it, it doesn't mean to stay silent.

Hey, that brings me to point three!

3 - Show your own opinions

If there's one thing people hate just as much as meanness, it's those who stand by and do nothing about it.

Regardless of if you agree with them or not, if you say absolutely nothing when genuinely bad behaviour is happening, out of fear of "starting a fight", you are actively making the person who is being attacked feel alone.

I remember myself, when I was bullied in the first two grades of secondary school (11-13 years old for those who don't know) for "being ugly", I was told by my mother (who was friends with other kid's parents) that some of the kids "didn't hate me" and "didn't agree with the bullying". And I asked her "if they don't hate me, why won't they talk to me?" She never managed to answer that one. And it broke my heart, because outside of my sister, I had no one else.

Don't be like that. You may be scared of acting, but you know who would be grateful if you did act? The victims. And isn't their opinion of you much more important than the opinion of someone who acts with hatred and bigotry?

If you see someone suffering injustice, or even just hear someone who has a rather harmful opinion, don't be scared to tell them that you disagree. Obviously don't be an asshole about it, stay civil, but if you voice out your opinion, you will be seen as someone who stays true to their beliefs and is brave enough to stand up for them if the opportunity comes.

There's obviously much more that comes with social life (nonverbal cues, sense of humor, timing and mood), and I don't know everything (I'm just some random québécois girl on the internet). But I hope this was a bit more helpful. I did have fun writing this, at least. So I guess that's better than nothing!

[themaskedlady]

[forestgreenlesbian]

youre not allowed to b a freak loser loner anymore or at least youre not allowed to mention it lol. even like five years ago you could talk about being awkward and socially weird around meeting new people but now if you do that eveeryones like "ok edgelord you are deliberately cutting yourself off from community why are you so obsessed with being alone. you all need to go outside and make real friends you are too online." which like yes obviously but why is eveyrone acting like the only two options are you either a) have a load of friends or b) you don't want them??? it is so weird. to be seen trying & failing has become so taboo that people assume if you're alone it's because you want to be and youre trying to be cool & aloof or else you see things like small talk or reaching out to people as "emotional labour" and choose not to do them. like i am not fucking choosing not to do them i literally try to do them every day and find it very hard and then you tell me i can't even joke about that struggle or being a lonely friendless loser to maybe for one second make light of the bottomless pit of disconnect + loneliness i experience every day without someone blaming me for not putting myself out there. idk

[lady-of-the-upside-down]

The one major thing about being the type of person who has been constantly pushed away from many different friend or community groups basically since birth!is that at some point when joining a new group you struggle with forming bonds with the people there because deep inside you know that they’re going to abandon you anyways (at best, due to life or at worst, due to you not being useful to them anymore, or being too much) so why bother.

It hurts. It actually hurts to feel the aches deep within me when my heart wants—from the bottom of itself—to form a bond, to make memories and show itself to the world; my mind, on the other hand, weary with age and trauma, doesn’t want to take chances anymore—ever the cynical entity. Almost all of the time, the jadedness of my mind wins.

[occaisonalshitposts]

[hillbillyoracle]

Some personal notes on managing different relationships

So I’m currently trying to process how to do boundaries in relationships where people have clearly been harmful but I can’t remove them from my life. I’m disabled so I don’t have the liberty of just up and leaving or kicking people out entirely. Maybe someday it’ll change but it is what it is for now.  

I found myself thinking about all the controls social media platforms have to controlling people’s level of access to you and I wished I could have something similar in real life. And it hit me - why not? Like I can’t set all the terms but I can set some of them. So I jotted down the notes below.

I’ve been thinking on this kind of thing for a long time but I realized I had this deep fear of hurting people or being perceived as cruel. But beyond just knowing intellectually that I don’t owe people my time and energy, it took really sitting with the fact that true kindness can only spring from a genuine place of compassion and that it’s unskillful to practice beyond my current level. 

My current level requires some measure of distance for some people in order to protect my compassion for them. They may not like that. But tending to that sensory social pain, trying to prevent it through being agreeable and giving them what they want - that’s only going to feed their attachment to narratives and patterns that harm them. 

Maybe in the future I can be closer to people who are harmful but in the meantime:

So I hope this sparks some ideas for someone else. Open to good faith thoughts from others too. 

[wigglys-dikrats]

unrealistic part of npmd:

pete answering a call from a number he doesn’t recognise

[catfayssoux]

Me: *follows someone bc good content*

Them: *follows me back*

Me: *sweats*

[ourhouseishaunted]

people acting as if laios can Do No Wrong and infantilizing him because he is autistic are annoying as hell. especially because laios belongs to my favorite genre of character: "person who desperately wants friends and deep relationships because they're lonely, and while part of their problems stem from people not wanting to understand them and refusing to meet them where they are, they also genuinely come across in a way where you Completely Understand why others can get turned off from them"

[gayrockanthem]

Having rejection sensitive dysphoria is wild. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. Your reasons for not answering/reacting certain way are totally valid and in my mind, I understand it. But I can't help feeling rejected.

And the way it fucks up an online presence. Each like/repost/comment triggers dopamine release. It feels good. It's addicting. Validating. But then the next post doesn't get as much engagement. It may not be that good objectively or posted at a less relevant time; fewer people may see it in the feed just by chance or whatnot - there can be many reasons and all are valid. But the feeling... The fucking feeling screams they hate you! you are a useless piece of shit, why don't you perish from the face of the earth?

I know it's not true. I know it's a chemical imbalance in my brain. I know it all but...

I've been on a bunch of different platforms. I posted personal stuff and generalized. I posted actively and posted rarely. I used my real name and went anonymous. I followed and been followed by people I know irl and solely strangers. I engaged a lot and only eavesdroped. I deleted my accounts and created new ones. I started things all over. I tried so many different approaches to social media in hopes of finding one that wouldn't make me feel bad about myself. All I want is to be able to share my thoughts without these crazy mood spikes and drops.

Is it even possible with my emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity?

[wanderingmind867]

Only way I'd accept money being a thing is if we stopped caring about things about debt and the deficit. Out of money? Just print more! Stop imposing consequences through debt! Debt is a social construct! Get rid of debt, and money would be at least slightly more tolerable. I'd still prefer it be abolished, but I'd take a heavy devaluation of money over what we've got now! Nothing can be worse than what we've got now!

[themaskedlady]