#incorrect shazam

[captian-sassy]

[lithiumseven]

Captain Marvel, an actual 12 year old, trying to pass as a grownup: I will take a cup of coffee please

Waitress: Alright, how would you like it?

Captain Marvel, panicking: Uh…….sunny side up?

[incorrectfreebat]

Freddy: what's your computer password?

Billy: GandalfBilboThorinSmaugFiliKiliBardDwalinBucharest

Freddy: what kind of password is that?

Billy: it was saying i have to use 8 characters and a capital

[incorrectbatfam]

[when Duke babysits]

Damian: Thomas, we're hungry!

Jon: What's for dinner?

Billy: We're hungry, dude!

Duke, frying a bottle of ketchup: *screams*

[bruciemilf]

Billy: I don't want to be adopted by anyone from the League. Batman asked and I had to buy him an ice cream cause I felt bad for saying no.

Freddy: Ha, at least no one tried anymore, right? Eugene and I have a betting pool, so please tell me they hate you

Billy: Haha. I mean, Wonder Woman kinda seems like she wants to? She pretty much tackled me into a hug and made me regret drinking coffee-

Freddy: Backtrack. Backtrack. Wonder Woman. Wants to adopt you.

Billy: I mean, yeah, but of course I said no-

Freddy: WONDER WOMAN. WANTS TO ADOPT US.

Billy: I don't see how this relates to you but-

Freddy, writing in the Shazam Fam GC: everybody buckle up new mom just dropped

-

Diana, proudly showing off pictures of her newly adopted kids: And this is my beloved Mary. My beloved Eugene. My beloved darling Darla, and my beloved Pedro, and my beloved Freddy, and my beloved Billy. They enjoy video games and snacks

Bruce, taking this as an obvious challenge, taking out the Batfamily Batalbum: This is Jason. His favorite hobby is murder

[superbat-love]

While on a galactic mission in the outer planets…

Shazam: Did you hear the news? I can’t believe that the Joker stole all of Batman’s money. Poor Batman. I know what that’s like. Some guy always tries to steal mine during lunch.

Superman: Huh, Fawcett City must be more dangerous than I thought. Anyway, it’s just not right. I offered to talk to the Joker, but Batman told me to stay out of Gotham. He said he’d handle it by himself.

Shazam: I wish I could help with his money situation, but I don’t get enough allowance. Oh, how about we hold a fundraiser? Or an auction! We could sell something valuable and donate the money to Batman.

Superman: That’s a great idea Shazam. [Spots something on the ground] Hey, what do we have here? [Picks up a shiny object] It looks like a diamond! Wow, this deserted planet is covered in them!

Shazam and Superman stare at each other.

Superman: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Shazam: Let’s bring this planet back home! We can put it beside the Watchtower since there’s plenty of space there; you pull and I’ll push. And then Batman can live on Planet Diamond!

Shazam and Superman high-five each other.

[ticklet0d]

Billy: If I were a magic wizard I wouldn't harm people when they pissed me off. I'd just put these really fucked up random curses on them, like every time they saw a school bus they would shit their pants or every time someone said the word "Thursday" they would pretend they were a dragon for 20 seconds.

Freddy: I think you would be a very good wizard.

[versasfanficwastedump]

Post-reveal Billy Batson: Oh, hey, Batman. Did you get my report on the Finley murder?

Bruce: Yeah, I looked it over. Nice work.

Billy: Good. Thanks, dad.

[silence]

Billy: Why is everyone staring at me?

Diana: You just called Batman "dad.” You said, "thanks, dad."

Billy: What? No, I didn't. I said, "thanks, man."

Bruce: Do you see me as a father figure, Captain?

Billy: No. If anything, I see you as a "bother" figure, 'cause you're always bothering me.

Clark: Hey! Show your father some respect!

Billy: I didn't call him dad!

Bruce: No, no, no, no, William. I take it as a compliment.

Oliver: It's not a big deal. I called Dinah "mom" once, and she's my fiancée.

Billy: Guys, jump on that! Green Arrow has psycho-sexual issues!

[darkcrowprincess]

*Post Shazam 2: Fury of the gods* The justice league*angry*: what kind of idiots do you have working here?!

Shazam Freddy and Billy strike heroic pose*talking about the shazam family*: the finest in Philadelphia sir/ma'am.

[fandomnerd9602]

Could I request Mary Marvel and Lena Luthor (separate) with a speedster reader who makes amazing puns like "Be back in a Flash!" or "Here's a Flash fact for ya!"

Y/N runs up and kisses Mary…

Mary: love you baby

Y/N: love you too, duty calls and I’ll be back in a flash (winks)

Y/N runs off…

Mary: you’re so corny…hey! We’re supposed to be fighting crime together!

Mary flies after Y/N…

Lena looks around at the mess in her home…

Lena texts Y/N…

Y/N runs through and cleans the whole house in the blink of an eye…

Y/N: does your flashing cleaner get his reward?

Lena: cuddles on the couch coming right up

[captian-sassy]

Freddy: I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t been arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet.

Billy: Nat 20 charisma.

Freddy: That is NOT how that works.

[bat-stuff]

Jon: I think we're missing something.

Billy: Teamwork?

Damian: Cohesion?

Colin: A general sense of what we’re doing?

[incorrectfreebat]

Mary: why are you two holding hands?

Freddy: studies show that holding hands can reduce stress.

Mary: oh, I thought you were dating or something.

Freddy: we are.

Billy: we're also really fucking stressed.

[unicornkilla109]

Billy: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.

Y/n: This is a lie.

Y/n: I'm literally dating him. This is a lie.

Y/n: HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.

Billy: There are 20 letters in the alphabet, right?

Y/n: Nope, there's 26.

Billy: Ah, I must have forgotten U, R, A, Q, T.

Y/n: Aww, that's cute, but you're still missing one.

Billy: You'll get the D later ;).

Billy, throwing their head into Y/n's lap: Tell me I'm pretty!

Y/n, lovingly stroking his hair: You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are.

Billy: I like your new pants!

Y/n: Thanks, they were 50 off!

Billy: I’d like them better if they were 100 off. *winks*

Y/n: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.

Billy: Thats’s… not what I meant.

Y/n: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Billy.

Y/n: I owe you one.

Billy: That’s ok. You can just date me and we’ll call it even.

Billy: I love you.

Y/n, not paying attention: What was that?

Billy: I said I’m selling you to the zOo-

Billy: Hey, I’m getting in the shower. Wanna help me out?

Y/n: ...Have you never taken a shower before?

[incorrectbatfam]

Billy: I need you to explain it like a normal person.

Damian: Superboy seems to get it.

Jon: *scribbling in a notebook*

Billy: Jon is drawing stick figures.

[bruciemilf]

Billy: Okay, so, your lame no killing code extends to everyone? As in everyone.

Bruce as Batman who owes Clark a favour and must now babysit the League baby: That's what the every is for.

Billy: No yeah I got that part, I just mean. There has to be someone you want to kill, like, really badly. Joker?

Bruce: Killing him won't make a difference because he's devoid of anything that makes a person worthwhile, and it would bring him satisfaction. So no.

Billy: Okay, point. Would you kill Doomsday for a million dollars?

Bruce: Firstly, the chances of me successfully killing Doomsday are equal to none. Secondly, monetising life shouldn't be acceptable

Billy, has no idea what monetising means: Okay fine. Pfft, would you kill Bruce Wayne for --

Bruce, not missing a beat: I'd do it for a can of beans and a microwaved soda