#menal health

[dreamdropsystem]

Shoutouts to:

cluster a autistics

cluster b autistics

cluster c autistics

depressed autistics

anxious autistics

autistics with eating disorders

autistics that deal with hallucinations

autistics with dissociative disorders

autistics with tics

[desi-daydream]

t-30 minutes until your appointment with your psychiatrist at 2pm on a thursday afternoon

I have 30 minutes until my appointment with my psychiatrist. I like her she's really nice and she listens.

I just watched an episode of degrassi, season 12, episode 303 to be specific. I look at the time, it's 1:20something pm.

My heart starts pounding and I feel the anxiety start to set in. but why? im at home. im going to attend my appointment virtually, so I dont even need to get ready. what is it then? I dont know. I never know. why my heart has been sinking and pounding on and off for the last 3 years. i will tell her this in todays appointment.

so I go downstairs. I make myself some tea. I use the pretty mug with the little yellow flowers on it. I make the tea, steep it, add sugar. we are out of milk, so I use oat milk instead. I rewarm so it can stay piping hot for when I bring it up to my room.

I bring my tea upstairs t my room. I try to admire my valentines nails resting on the handle of the mug with the pretty yellow flowers on it. I cant.

I get to my room, my heart still pounding and sinking for some reason unknown to me. I sit on my bed. I open up spotify. Cue nice for what by drake. then headlines by drake. any drake song at a time like this. a time like what? a time when I can feel my heart ponding and sinking at the same time for no reason. yes, a time like that. so I play nice for what by drake and I start sipping on my tea. it is still hot. then headlines by drake, my favourite. the song that makes me feel okay for approximately 3mins while my heart is still pounding.

I open up my notes app and open up the note I started earlier today titled, 'feb 22 appointment'. the first point I have written down form this morning is 'Plain old feeling of truly wanting to die'.

I add a few more points onto the note, so I remember the critical points I need to bring up today. bc im already 27 years old, and I already feel like im dying. bc im only 27 years old and I already feel like im dying.

maybe she can help. I mean, ive been seeing her since May of 2023, and I feel sicker than ever. maybe she can tell me what is wrong with me, bc I dont know anymore.

-signed, a 27 year old girl not so sure if she wants to keep trying. trying for what anyway?

feb 22 2024

1:46pm

[connieaaa]

A terrifying reality: why do I have so many responsibilities?

Because I accept responsibilities. I can say no, I know where my soft limits are and my hard limits are, and more important I have the weird Minecraft hack of being able to stack 64 small responsibilities on top of each other.

[sadnessoverflows]

I’m trying not to. I’m clinging to my phone, so I can talk to my friends. But I feel a shut down of sorts is coming about. I don’t eat much anymore and you don’t even notice. Or don’t really care. Probably both. I feel so unloved and uncared for and you knew this, yet you continued to behave the same way. Because you don’t care. Now my self esteem is crap and I just want to leave everyone alone because I feel that I am too much and no one really cares. I just want love. For someone to care about me. To care for me. To let me be my full self. Is that really too much to ask? I can’t be small with you, I can’t even be too friendly now because I don’t want you to think things are okay, when they are not, and I feel overly needy, clingy, and lonely. You have deprived me of my needs and now I no longer need you. Or want you, even. I’m done.

[isy-ferrante]

"Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does."

[toomanygoldfish]

It’s getting worse ft. Hinata Shouyou

T.W mentions of downhill mental health (just the numb feeling)

You were in just laying on the couch when Hinata came home. He walked into the living room to see you laying on the couch with watery eyes. “Hey meu solzinho. Wanna talk about what your thinking ‘bout? Or do you wanna cuddle?”

Your closed your eyes trying to fight back tears. You nod shakily. “Which one was that a yes to? I think that might be a bit important for this conversation… is this a conversation? Technically you’re not talking-“. You cut him off with a shaky giggle. You push yourself up on you elbows and with some raspiness in your voice you respond. “I might be convinced to talk to you if I have sufficient cuddles.” Shouyou lights up at this. Quickly he lifts you up and maneuvers you in to a cradled position on his lap. With you head on his shoulder. “I should be better” you mumble after a while. Shouyou doesn’t respond, but still giving silent encouragement for you to keep going. “I was getting better, I was able to get up and do things. I was happy. It’s- it’s not like im not happy now it’s just that it’s really hard to find anything other than numb. Even if I do find other feelings, they feel like they’ve been dragged through the dirt and waterlogged.”

Tears start dripping down your face. Silent sobs shake your body. Shouyou holds you tight to his chest while rubbing your back. When your sobs finally subsided into hiccups. He shifts you of of his lap so that you face directly at him. “[Name] it’s important to know that healing is not a linear path. There are going to be ups and downs, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t getting better. I have some options that you could try, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to. ”One of these is going to talk to a professional.” You open you mouth to cut him off but he continues,

“Seeing a therapist doesn’t mean you are broken or wrong somehow. It just means that you need a little extra help. That’s what they are there for. To help you. I want to make sure you get the best help you can get, and I think this is the way to go.”

You close your eyes. Sho had hit your insecurities spot on. You slowly open your eyes and look at him. “Please help me. I don’t think I’ll be able to make the call or do this alone. Please don’t leave me to do this on my own. Please.” Shouyou quickly scoops you into a tight embrace. In your ear he whispers,

“I will”

❉ ╧╧╧╧ ✿ ╧╧╧╧ ❉ • ❉ ╧╧╧╧ ✿ ╧╧╧╧ ❉

Author’s notes:

•meu solzinho means my sunshine in Portuguese

•This is based of my experience with mental health, and what I wished someone would say to me. • Stay safe

[writtenroses1813]

I am afraid that something inside of me broke when I was 12 and was never quite the same

[duchess-of-new-shire]

Compassion actually is a finite resource and that shit runs out real fast when conditions are chronic

[thatonesapphicfilipino]

the crazy thing abt mental health is people r always like “think of smth that makes u happy” but what abt when nothing brings u joy anymore what abt when ur too deep and can’t bring urself out what abt when u don’t think u even deserve that clearly people who say this shit don’t know what it’s like like fuck u and ur boomer shit that doesn’t always work look if i could just be happy i would do anything for it like i would give everything to just be normal to just think normally to just be ok. is that so had

[thedelusionalgirl]

Goals for my sanity

i feel like i'm going insane: just trying to figure what i want; my dreams, goals, aspirations for myself, i know my future job and all of that, but for my appearance i have no idea what i want to appear like to anyone, to some up i am going through an identity crisis, and this is just a note-to-self, just so i know what i want.

body: my body has always somehow been an issue for me, i have never been able to genuinely accept my body for what it is, but i guess that's just because i'm a bipolar teenage girl with daddy issues, and that comes with the package, of never being feeling like i'm enough.

wardrobe: i think we all want our dream wardrobe, so we can feel confident, because that's what clothes do to us. When we are wearing an outfit that makes us feel pretty; as humans it gives us a boost in confidence or just ego, so i guess that's all i want.

clear skin: this is self explanatory, i just want my skin to glow like when the sun hits Edward's skin. 'The diamond effect' if you will.

hair: i am very happy with my hair; i wish it to be thinner, and less dry. But, i think that my dry scalp is more so because of how often i wash my hair (which i will work on).

room: i've been listening to 'Anything Goes -Emma C.' podcast a lot, so um this is why i have my bedroom listed, my mom (as sweet as she is) bought me the floral bed sheets i've been literally dreaming of, and so i want to make my room scream me and be accustomed to me, because this is where i spend most of my time, and i feel like if i don't like my room it makes me depressed, so, yeah...

food: OK, so like everyone who struggles with body image (like myself) i feel like food has been the biggest struggle. I have three sisters, one is skinnier than me, the other is chunkier than me so I've always felt like it was a competition to be the skinniest of them both, because i have had always had this hunger for perfection, and so i don't even know where to begin on food. Breakfast and lunch; i don't eat, then for dinner eat a small portion of a low cal food. I can't seem to get out of this routine, i don't recommend it tbh, but do what you would like with that info.

edited: 09/24/22

results (will come on): 01/--/22

[ladyaprillark]

Happy Wednesday! Stop by Alchemy & Ashes for a Reading and some shopping.

[dreamdropsystem]

i am NOT sorry i cannot hide my autism and other disabilities.

we always have been disabled, and it's always been unconventional, for our family, school, peers, etc etc. we only recently got diagnosed properly for a lot of things, others we don't know. we've alway been chronic ill, with mental, physical and developmental disabilities.

cause of regression we can't mask pretty much mask at all and it's irritating for some system members but for me i feel it's freeing cause i don't care!! we are disbaled! we can't hide it and that's just it.

happy autism awareness / acceptance month - Chocolat

[desi-daydream]

is it the bpd? do I even have bpd? my recent behaviour would suggest so. is it pmdd? is it the depression? idk cause it feels deeper than that. I have my psychiatrist appointment today at 2pm, so I'll ask her. bc at this point, I have no idea what im doing. im like one big meltdown away from trying to actually kms. I will tell her this today. see what she suggests. bc im out of ideas now.

Feb 22 2024

[skylerdrake]

I'm so fucking emotional rn and it's 2.50pm

[isy-ferrante]

Diaries of a Brazilian Mess

by Isy Ferrante

September 29th

When I opened my eyes, I thought that, even though my eyes had been closed the entire night, I hadn’t been able to sleep a single second.  Of course my brain was overreacting. I am not capable of not shaking my feet while I’m sitting down, let alone spend an entire night lying still with my eyes closed. I had slept, I just couldn’t believe it. 

It felt awful, like normal adulthood. But as a good adult I ran out of feeling sorry for myself, and instead I went after coffee. I’m not sure if coffee makes one feel better, but it definitely makes one feel normal. I crave for coffee. 

I still don’t know where Enzo keeps his pots, or how to turn his dishwashing machine on, yet a few hours after I had moved into his guest room, I had already learned that Enzo keeps his mugs in the second door of the cabinet on the left and which are the two buttons I have to press to turn on his coffee machine. 

One cannot go too far without such knowledge.

So it struck me with great surprise when I didn’t find the coffee powder that I knew for sure where it was supposed to be: On the first door on the left cabinet.

But I wouldn’t give up coffee so easily. I felt every item in the cabinet one by one. And as I refused to believe my sense of touch, I removed it, one by one, suggar, flour, tin of tea, box of granola and spread everyhing on the kitchen counter. So I could see with my own eyes the coffee wasn't there.

Maybe Enzo had put it somewhere else? I opened the cabinet doors on the right and took everything out of it. No coffee. I took everything from the drawer under the sink ( And look at that! That’s where Enzo keeps his pots!) but still no coffee. At that point I might have agreed that I was a little desperate. My last hopes layed on the top cabinets that I couldn’t reach. So I used my last bit of will to climb up the counter which caused me to accidentally drop the biscuit tin.

The noise might have awakened Enzo, who showed up at the kitchen door, rubbing his eyes, and luckily still too sleepy to properly react to what he had seen when he looked at his kitchen.

"What are you doing?" he asked, punctuating the sentence with a yawn.

I answered him by asking where the hell he had put the coffee.

He answered me by asking, "what coffee?"

I answered him asking, "the one we drank yesterday?"

And he asked me, "wasn’t it over?"

And then I, "How can it be over? How could we have drank all that coffee in a week?"

"A week?", he asked, "Haven’t we drunk coffee the whole month?"

"How could I have drunk all the coffee if I juste moved in?"

Enzo sat on a bench, close to the counter where I was standing on top and scratched the back of his head, “It's been a month since you moved in. A little more than a month actually”

I kneeled and sat on the counter trying to get the math of the time right. “Impossible!” I said. He just shrugged, reached out for the granola that was lying around and eat a bunch of it directed from the box.

He was right. It had been a month. And now I keep asking myself: How can someone simply lose a month of their life? What have I done all this time? Did I leave the apartment at least once? Did I leave my room? Did I even eat?

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