#lecturing (Alfred)

[everwalldigan]

Bruce: *waking up in a hospital that he drove himself to after having a heart attack and telling absolutely nobody* hey…

The entirety of the batclan looking over him with Dick in the centre, an absolute terrifying grin on his face:

Dick: hello Bruce, nice evening isn’t it? Got something to share with us?

Edit: the fic is now out on ao3! https://archiveofourown.org/works/57780508

[tiger-grace]

Superman: I haven’t seen you at the watchtower for a while. Where have you been the last few weeks, Batman?

Bruce: Rehab.

Superman, worriedly: Oh, I’m so sorry- I never knew you struggled with that. If you don’t mind me asking, what for?

Bruce, grimacing as he watches public footage of Signal and Red Hood starting a dumpster fire out of Pro-Joker merch: ..adoption.

[notrobinsomethingworse]

Alternative Titans Tower scene

Jason, wearing his original Robin suit (that’s sized up to ‘fit’ him: Do you remember me?

Tim: Did you seriously think I was gonna be scared seeing you wear panties?

Jason: what?

Tim: Like Jesus Christ I’m 13. I don’t want to see you wearing underwear. I can see the outline of your di-

Jason: wait no-

Tim: Like everything just hanging there. Did you even look in the mirror before coming here?

Jason: No- that’s not the point.

Tim: God dude. I looked up to you and now I have to see this? It’s gonna be in my goddamn brain forever. I’m gonna close my eyes and it’s gonna be you in those fucking short-

Jason: Can we move on?

Tim: I don’t even think I can. It’s just stuck in my brain now. I’m not gonna look at Robin the same way now and I’m goddamn Robin. God. Do I start avoiding my reflection now? Dr. Freeze is gonna be a nightmare. It’s gonna be like one of those mirror mazes but with pictures of your di-

Jason: Are you done?

Tim: God no. They warned you never meet your hero’s but never because you had to see them in some scaly panties. Seriously I can see you asscrack from he-

Jason, cocking riffle: Okay you’re done.

[ghost-bxrd]

Let’s amp up the “Jason says ow and the batfam thinks he must be gravely injured” headcanon.

Jason calls Bruce or Dick for fun and says nothing but “goodbye” before hanging up (maybe it’s a dare by Roy who TOTALLY suspects the reaction Jay is gonna get).

Ten minutes late the entire Justice League is scouring Gotham, on the hunt for Jason.

[violent138]

I think Robin and Batgirl frequently accompany Battinson to crime scenes, and the first time they actually manage to draw a laugh out of him in public, the room goes silent. All the cops look more spooked than they have in hours with the dead body on the floor, while Jim tells the other cops to give them some room and seriously asks Batman if he's doing okay.

[celaenaeiln]

JL: Nightwing! It’s a delight to see you! You should come by more often.

Nightwing: Thank you! I’m so sorry, work has been piling up on me but I’ll try to drop by the office party this Sunday.

JL: Ofcourse! Looking forward to seeing you there. By the way, is Batman coming late?

Nightwing: No, I’ll be filling in for him today.

JL: Did something happen?

Nightwing: Nothing much, he’s just grounded.

JL: ???

48 hours earlier

Dick: Bruce, I’m telling you now and we’ve had this conversation before but you need to build a better rapport with your children. They look up to you as a father figure and your actions influence their behavior.

Bruce: …hmrgh

Dick: And you might not be aware but you unconconscious behavior is damaging. Tim has picked up your terrible habit of constantly working in front of a screen-it’s going to strain his eyes. He’s always inside too, so you need to make him go outside more. I’m not always here, I have an entire city to run, the titans need me, I'm mentoring hundreds of heroes, the Justice League calls on me to help them, and I need to keep up with my social life. The people in Bludhaven where I teach and work also call me if I’m gone for a day-the point is-I can’t always be playing second parent here in Gotham.

Bruce: ……hmrgh

Dick: Damian always looks up to you

Bruce: *side eyes*

Dick: He does! See you don’t even realize it! He wants to make you proud and Jason gets mad when you don’t make time for him because he cares too. Stephanie doesn’t have a dad she can turn to and it would mean the world to her if you took her out to an amusement park or something. When was the last time you spent time with her.

Bruce: ….hmrgh

Dick: And-

1 hour later

Dick: -that’s why you need to stop working, go to them right now, and bond with them.

Bruce:

Dick:

Bruce: ……...hmrgh

Dick: I’m waiting.

Bruce: *dragging himself off the batcave chair and begrudgingly trudging upstairs under Dick’s watchful eye*

Bruce: *listening to the sounds of his kids in the living room and pumping himself up* Better relationships mean better teamwork. Better relationships mean better teamwork. Better relationships mean better teamwork. And Dick. Do it for him.

Bruce: *entering* *clearing his throat* Children. We will be going-

*The living room is in utter chaos. The cushions are strewn and ripped with stuffing coating the couches and floor which for some reason is stained yellow, the flower vase is shattered and so is the table it was sitting on, there’s string confetti on the chandelier, there’s spray paint and neon goo across the walls and in Tim’s hair, Jason has deep claw marks down his face as he wrestles with Damian who’s sporting massive bruise on his cheek and trying his hardest to bite him, Stephanie is dunking Tim’s face in a tub of soda which splashed everywhere while he’s ripping out Jason’s hair and also trying to kick Damian with his foot, the tv has massive spiderwebs and looping on tellatubies like a broken record machine, Titus is spitting out a feather while a random goose runs around honking while Alfred the cat chases after it at full speed, knocking down decades old paintings.*

Bruce:

Bruce:

Bruce:

Bruce: *rolling up his sleeves and stomping forward to join the fight* HMRGH.

[wearenemies]

[doueverwonder]

actually the funniest part about hc Alfred was Puritan when he was tiny is imagine a five year old lecturing you on theology and more specifically why yours is Wrong.

Arthur probably lived that.

[littlediscoveredstars]

Alright, new headcanon alert!

Bruce had one of those “scared straight” experiences as a kid. The kind where they get shoved around a prison and shown what will happen if they stay on their path.

Bruce is a rebellious tween and has a bad habit of picking fights (see: mailing classmates dead things and putting ominous notes in their bags).

Eventually, the GCPD decides to make an example of him (he’s easy prey because the Waynes can’t sue) and send him to a Scared Straight program.

The officers think they’re doing such a great job. They’re showing him all kinds of criminals and Bruce gets yelled at for like an hour about arson sentences. To this day, they think they’ve stopped Brucie Wayne from a life of wasted potential.

Turns out, Bruce barely remembers it past a few of those inmates now being WE employees.

[arrowmaker15]

(Clark and Alfred looking at Bruce)

Bruce, confused: What's going on here?

Clark: I heard the weirdest thing last night, and I thought I was hearing wrong, but Alfred confirmed for me this morning.

Bruce: What was it?

Alfred: I told Mister Kent what you had said to a criminal last night.

Bruce: Wait-

Clark: I thought you weren't allowed to do that, Bruce? I swear a few weeks ago you told both Stephanie and Jason they couldn't threaten criminals by saying they would steal their bones.

Bruce: It was heat-

Clark: You are a hypocrite! You can't tell them they can't say that then say it yourself!

Bruce: I needed infor-

Alfred: I will be telling Miss Stephanie and Master Jason that since you had threatened a criminal with it, that they were allowed to also. And if Mister Kent hears you lecturing them on that subject again, you will regret the consequences.

Clark: That's right.

[frogaroundandfindout]

Bruce you make me so ill (Batman #416)

[mysticalarmand]

Alfred: Jeremiah, are you in the closet

Jeremiah: Yes

Alfred: Are you decent

Jeremiah: No...

Alfred: Get dressed and come out here, so we can talk

[cr1mson5returns]

I do really like the concept of the Batfamily having a family group chat because I feel like Dick created it as a "let's coordinate family plans and occasionally encourage group bullying in the name of self-care" thing. But it totally devolved into memes and TikToks and bickering two hours in, and Bruce doesn't have the energy to even leave the chat anymore, because he keeps getting added back in. He's also too lazy to mute it and gets annoyed that he gets eight million notifications per hour because of how often the kids are on it.

Bruce's only participatory act in the family chat is to remind his kids to be safe and he gets the mocking SpongeBob meme in response every time.

[fanaticfangirl001]

I felt bad that Lord Debling doesn't get a happy ending and i hate Cressida with a passion, so I made an Oc

Her name is Delphine Finch, yes she is Albion Finch's little sister. She like Cressida is on her third year in the marriage market and it's not going well, due to various reasons and her being a wallflower.

She has been living with her uncle, Theodore and taking care of his estate as he is an old bachelor, who is on an expedition to study puffins for several years. Delphine calls herself an amateur Ornithologist (A studier of birds) and birder.

When Anthony Bridgerton interviewed the ladies of the Ton for wife material, he commented that Delphine is quirksome, and has an impressive talent for speaking on topics no one cares about. During their walk and interview, she identified every bird at the park by color and chirp. She also told Anthony all about the marks and striations on each of them, unprompted.

Albion is happy his sister has a hobby and interest in birds but he does worry about her finding a husband.

(I know in the show he says he doesn't want someone just like him, but come on, they can nerd out about birds together as husband and wife.)

(I will be writing a short series maybe a few parts about them)

[bluejaysgonerogue]

batkids using this while on patrol and as civilians

@frownyalfred enjoy

Actually my favorite replacement for both 'kill myself' jokes and jokes about reacting violently to things/people that upset me is "I'm going to end up on the news" like it's versatile, it's vague, it's not going to get me in trouble with any censors or websites that take joke threats seriously, it's family friendly while still getting the point across, what's not to love???