#writing and ptsd

[not-poignant]

I've a bit of a vague question: How do you decide how much detail to go into when it comes to formative traumas for your characters, and particularly past sexual traumas and similarly loaded topics? I don't mind highly detailed, dramatic pasts (à la Doctrine of Labyrinths), though I know some people find overwhelmingly dark pasts trite and difficult to engage with ("grimdark" or "misery porn" - not terms I agree with), but in my own writing I tend to imply rather than state past horrors. 1/2

2/2 It's difficult to find the balance; obviously leaving too many things unsaid renders the story vague and not very compelling, whereas being too detailed alienates readers too. Of course there's ways to explore trauma which don't feel gratuitous or exploitative, but I think there's a knee-jerk impulse to dismiss certain media for the blatancy of their content alone regardless of how that's handled in-universe. How do you navigate this and settle on content which feels right for your stories?

*

Hi anon! At first when I was thinking of how to reply to this, all I had was 'I just do it, it feels natural.' Which is true! It does feel natural. But that's not helpful. So I've been noodling on it more and I think I finally have a twofold answer. Firstly, I don't care about what the reader thinks re: how graphic I get about retelling a character's past or trauma, because a) my content is thoroughly warned for and b) I tend to place additional warnings in 'extra confrontational' chapters. After that it's not my responsibility or my business. But I do know as someone who has been through extensive trauma, I would've like, sacrificed a theoretical firstborn to read stories that were as detailed and thorough as mine re: trauma recovery and trauma representation. I'm not writing for people who don't have trauma in their backgrounds (must be nice, can't relate), not to sound callous, but they're not my target audience and I don't care if they're too fragile to handle what's going on. They get the warnings. I write for the people who need to see their traumatic histories reflected in fiction. Because that's what I needed. Okay, so, point the second. How to know how much detail to go into? The character. I follow the character always. It's important to know enough about post-trauma and behavioural changes and what happens to the mind, as well as a character's general disposition, to know where you're going in terms of detail. That, anon, is something you're going to have to research.

Felix in The Beast that Chose Its Own Bridle is more 'graphic' in his thoughts because he doesn't have the same kind of post-trauma as many other characters I'm writing. He has it, but it manifests in how he communicates and attaches to people, but he has no problems reflecting on or recollecting certain experiences (while avoiding thinking about others). This is fairly consistent with the character in the canon. He's also known for weaponising or talking about graphic experiences for shock value, or to push people away. So he will choose deliberately confrontational methods of talking about his life.

Efnisien on the other hand in say Underline the Black doesn't believe he's been through trauma and his brain is very protective as a result. People with extremely protective minds aren't likely to have graphic recollections of trauma on a regular basis, or are more likely to have nightmares (which he has), or have profound behavioural changes (which he has) which are consistent with trauma. I expect Efnisien's memories will get more explicit as the story goes on. We can see his 'shying away from the graphic nature of upcoming trauma' in the medical exam, he is actively trying to dissociate. A character that dissociates will not constantly be reflecting on trauma, but they might be shocked by it in the form of visceral flashbacks or nightmares. They are more likely to show overall behavioural changes.

Efnisien in Falling Falling Stars had intrusive thoughts as a manifestation of his trauma, and as those intrusive thoughts were dealt with and Efnisien acknowledged he had trauma, he began to have more graphic flashbacks. The more he acknowledged the content in the flashbacks as being traumatic, the less he actually had to deal with a ton of graphic stuff being described, because he was slowly recovering.

Augus in the canon rarely reflects on any of his past trauma. We see it less than a handful of times in any graphic memories, over 1.5 million words. But he has some behavioural changes around trauma. When he experiences current trauma in the story, it's often emotional, and he usually responds with anger or a fight response (and sometimes a flight response). So I would say Augus' story and descriptions are overall less graphic, which fits his disposition, which is to heavily compartmentalise his pain, so he doesn't have to deal with it (which comes back to bite him later on).

So basically if a character is leaving things vague, it's because they can't handle it yet, and that's normally because of dissociation. I've definitely written characters who have dissociated through current trauma, and who are trying to avoid past trauma. Likewise, there are characters who are just starting to experience flashbacks, and characters who are so 'oh yeah I was a child prostitute, what of it?' (hi Felix), and it all comes down to just...where they're at in their journey. How healed is your character? What do they still have left to deal with? What are their main triggers? What do they see or experience in their mind or their body when they're triggered? Have they been through so much trauma, they no longer really respond to new traumas properly? (See Augus and Efnisien, lol). Or are they very unfamiliar with trauma? (See Eran). All of this changes how a character will think about trauma. If a character is super good at compartmentalising for example, even if they go through a current trauma, I'm not likely to write it in huge detail. But if they're bad at it, or flooded, I will.

When applying this to your own writing, think about your characters and their natures. Are they the type to mentally run and hide from trauma? Those characters might not be describing it mentally in great detail unless they're forced to because of a flashback. Or are they characters who don't find something that traumatic? Then you don't need to describe what's happening in as much detail. Are they very sensitive people? Then they might be noticing every detail, or they might be noticing one or two details and trying to forget the rest in order to survive. The nature of your characters, their previous experiences, their coping skills with trauma, for me, all determine how graphic you need to be.

Tl;dr none of my decisions are determined by the reader, because I don't care about the kinds of readers who will go 'this kind of trauma is gratuitous/exploitative' or whatever (and I'm sure some have). I have PTSD, therefore, I write post-trauma. Not everyone with PTSD can handle my content, that's why there's warnings. But for the people who can? Who need it because of their own histories? Who just want to a) feel seen, and then b) feel like healing might be possible? I see you. You're the ones I'm writing for.

Also, for the record, grimdark refers to no characters being likeable or trustworthy and generally terrible things happening all the time, including at the end. It assumes an untrustworthy and dark or corrupt world, and therefore dark or corrupt characters. It actually in and of itself has nothing to do with 'being super graphic about trauma' (though they do often go hand in hand). Most of my stuff could never be grimdark, no matter how graphic it gets, because there's always a lot of hope, healing, and the assumption that the majority of the world is capable of good despite great evil. As for misery porn, sure! But I don't care, see point 1, lol.

I definitely think researching trauma and researching case studies about how people write about their own traumatic experience can help. A lot of the time people who have PTSD aren't actually thinking about their experiences in graphic detail because avoidance is a symptom of PTSD, which means their/our behaviours have changed to avoid thinking about those things. My entire life has been marked with trauma, but I don't talk to anyone about it or think about it often, because avoidance is a cardinal symptom of PTSD/C-PTSD. So if I were writing my story, it would be very not graphic, with bursts of intense graphic detail that even I don't like experiencing.

Conveniently in storytelling, this means even if you are sharing graphic trauma, it's very selectively, and not all the time anyway. Because 'all the time' it's not how human brains work in the first place. So once you understand more about the mechanisms of trauma, trauma avoidance, post-trauma , and trauma recovery (where sometimes some of the most graphic reflection happens, but often in a more supported environment, so it can feel gentler to the reader), you get a better sense of how graphic to be, and how often! So I'd say this will be down to a) researching trauma and b) reflecting on the nature of your characters!

I hope that helps!

[dissociativecollective]

Grieving, grieving, constantly grieving. I mourn what could have been, what should have been, what will not be, what I cannot save.

[crippledpunks]

my heart goes out to you if you're a disabled person who has a complicated or negative relationship with sleep. if you need to sleep a lot but can't due to life circumstances, or sleeping extra causing other symptoms to flare up. if you can't sleep enough due to pain, or nightmares, or psychosis, or bipolar, or depression. if you sleep way too much and find it hard to stay awake. if you can't fall or stay asleep. if you need medication in order to be able to sleep. if you don't feel rested from sleep. if you wake up a lot in the night. if you have bladder or bowel accidents while asleep. if you twitch or convulse or move too or get injured in your sleep. if you can't control your sleep schedule no matter what. if you can't sleep during "normal" sleeping hours. if you can't sleep for 8+ hours straight but can sleep for shorter amounts of time. if sleep is what you need but for one reason or another you just can't or refuse to do it.

i care about you. your disabilities deserve to be seen and acknowledged

[ianitegal56]

I saw Godzilla Minus One and he is quite literally one of god's silliest showa scientists

[genderqueerdykes]

at this point i don't care how dumb a lot of people would think this is but we need to normalize adults carrying stuffed animals and comfort objects.

i have witnessed grown adults step out of their homes clutching adult cats to their chests just like a kid clutches a teddy bear, all while scolding it for trying to get away because it is uncomfortable and feels unsafe. i have watched people carry around puppies and miniature dog breeds while shopping and get upset at them when they don't sit perfectly still.

if you want something that brings you comfort by holding it, and can be taken anywhere and everywhere with you, but don't want it to move, make sounds, interrupt you, have bodily functions or needs, can be forgotten about easily if it gets inconvenient and can be put down without it running away: you want a stuffed animal, toy, blanket, or other comfort object.

you do not want a live animal. wanting an animal means accepting that it is alive. animals are not objects to be held and then berated when they have the audacity to be sentient. animals are not objects, period. they are living, breathing beings that have needs just like you. you. they are not here specifically to comfort you, there are here to be alive.

we need to normalize that it's okay for adults to carry objects that comfort them. i'm autistic and struggle with anxiety- i do this every time i leave the house when i'm able to. i carry very large stuffed animals with me and i don't receive negative comments, in fact, i only receive compliments if people say anything at all. i've been told that seeing an adult who carries stuffed animals and has lots of visible comfort objects (keychains, stim toys, etc.) is a welcoming sight to see, and that it brings others joy.

it's okay to want something that brings you comfort. but a live animal isn't always the answer. they are comforting, but they are not objects, and it's really irresponsible to use them as such. we need to acknowledge that adults need comfort, but we also have to be responsible in where we get it from.

[sun-snatcher]

hello! i love ur work and i was wondering if u could do some live action zuko angst (that makes ur heart sink) and then it progresses to fluff (that makes ur heart swell) please? HAHA idk if it makes sense but i rlly love ur work!! hope ure doing well n no pressure!!!

🐉・ HEARTBURN

summ.  Fresh from his banishment, Zuko faces the aftermath of his punishment in both his dreams and his waking hours. pairing. Zuko x f!reader (established relationship) w.count.  1k.  a/n.  A bit abstract on this one, but just typical dream logic. A glimpse at Zuko’s descent into madness, almost? Sorry anon if this is mostly angst than fluff! 🧎🏻‍♀️

Zuko’s dreams manifest at the scent of burnt flesh and the sound of his own screaming.

He feels the molten sting of a melting crown upon his skin and the fantastical beast that is his father; something monstrous— something scaled, fanged, clawed, and too large an appetite, with a touch and breath of fire that lights the skies in a blaze.

( He wakes up with his voice hoarse from screaming. The 41st Division will eventually learn early on not to mention it. They just leave a hot pot of tea ready for him come the mornings, by General Iroh's orders. )

Sometimes, it transgresses. Sometimes, it’s his mother who burns while he watches from the sidelines of the Agni Kai; Or Azula. Their shrieks mix with his when he wakes. 

Sometimes, it’s Iroh who scalds him. Great Dragon of the West, jasmine-white with razor teeth and a flame that burns as hot as the sun; serpent eyes a shining gold and a sharper tongue that spoke of his disappointment for his nephew. 

Sometimes, it begins with you.

Please, you beg, at the foot of a winged beast. It speaks in the voice of his father; damning, all-encompassing. It warns the Prince the price of compassion, of mercies, and of weaknesses. Eliminate her, or I will. 

Rarely does Zuko ever move. He’d plead in your name, to spare your life. It never happens; he just wakes to the smell of smoke and the sound of your screaming.

( There are dreams he doesn’t speak at all to defend you. The shame devours him whole. )

“I’ve killed you over a hundred times, in my sleep.”

In the aftermath of another nightmare, you turn to face Zuko. You’re not quite sure what to say. 

“Other nights, it’s the 41st, or Uncle,” he says, quietly. “Even mom, or Azula.”

You turn back to the small medical chest on the desk. The infirmary is quieter at times like these; the soldiers of the 41st know not to visit the usual haunts of their Prince. Tonight, Zuko will have to replace the bandages of his scar, and there are only two people on this ship he’d ever trust in his life to lay a hand on it.

You’re shifting towards where he’s sitting on one of the cots. “May I?”

( You ask. You always ask. Even when you’ve done this nearly fifty times, you ask. Zuko is glad; there’s a comfort in agency, especially when he’s gotten so used to losing it every time he sleeps.  )

He nods, and you make quick work to unravel the bandages. When the layers come away, you observe the way his left eye shuts and opens as he blinks, remaining half-closed into a permanent expression of pain. He looks away, downcast. 

The skin around is stretched taut, some areas rawer than others, marred with growing scar tissue that knots in twisting valleys. ( Zuko has only seen the scar once. He’s covered the mirrors in his room ever since; avoids glancing at his own passing reflections. )

The wound is still fresh; the memories fresher.

You don’t flinch at the sight or recoil like the other soldiers or dignitaries. 

He finds… solace in that.

( Something roils in his mind. It uncurls and hisses and growls. )

“Tilt your head for me,” you say, ready to replace the cotton on his eye with a new one. 

He stops your wrist just as you do. 

Your heart jumps at the contact. His hands are warm.

“Why?” he blurts.

You blink in confusion.

“Why’d you come with me?”

The reply is instant, and unintentionally drowned in affection. “Where else would I have belonged?”

Zuko almost answers instinctively: With me. By my side. He shakes his head.

“You should have never come,” he says, instead. He’d grown fond of you over the years. Too fond; over some Firenation colonel’s daughter, a force to be reckoned with and yet a childhood friend who he’d played and studied and fought with countless times. Fond enough that he’d been foolish to let you step foot into the ship of the 41st Division the day he’d been banished; fond enough to be foolish enough to allow you to put yourself in harm’s way. “You could’ve had a better future back home.”

“But a miserable one,” you counter. 

His nostrils flare as he sighs. You watch the way his brows weave to a frown, the way they always did whenever he’s tamping down his frustration. "Nothing is more miserable than being banished from home. Yet here you are walking away from it.”

“You and I both know the palace was never a home for me,” you say. “I’ve been by your side my entire life. I’m not about to break that streak over some punishment. You matter to me.”

Zuko’s heart stifles. 

( Compassion, he hears the wings of the blood-red dragon in his dreams unfurl. Compassion is a sign of weakness. )

“It was a stupid move,” he blurts, letting go of you. He had wanted it to be emotionless, but it comes out as distinctively bitter: “Sooner or later you’ll come to regret your decision. Then, you’ll see I was right all along.”

“Maybe,” you say, just to appease him. “But I doubt it.”

( Lies, jeers the serpent. You have only yourself to rely on in this world, Zuko. )

For the sake of conversation, you don’t provoke him further. You continue, instead, with replacing the dressings around his eye. He’s angry enough as is with the world— with you. For being stubborn. And strong. And steadfast. And loyal. And—

Zuko glances at your face in focus, your hands so careful in binding the gauze it’s nearly featherlight. “Tell me if it hurts,” you say, with gentle authority. 

The ire leaves his body. Zuko’s gaze softens at a realisation:

“Not once have you ever hurt me. Not even in my dreams.”

It’s a statement so frighteningly vulnerable that it has you stilling. Your breath staggers. Something swells in your chest. You let your hand rest on his cheek, thumb below his scar. The touch is reassuring. Zuko wants to lean into it.

“I don’t think I ever could,” you answer, honestly. 

( She can, sings the beast. She will. And once she does, know that it will burn tenfold than what I've done. )

Zuko's hand settles on top of yours. 

“You can hurt me,” he concedes, solemn, voice barely above a whisper. “You can if you must. I command it.”

( The dragon in his head hisses. For now, it retreats. )

[verity-hollow]

A doll is a void where a person once was. A doll is rows of razor-sharp teeth. A doll is a transitory state. A doll is a mass of unwanted flesh. A doll is a witch waiting to happen. A doll is a reflection of your desires. A doll is a cuddly companion. A doll is a rifle. A doll is a caterpillar. A doll is boundless potential. A doll is wasted space. A doll is a friend who always agrees with you. A doll is pain that can do chores. A doll is a coping mechanism. A doll is a gift to the world. A doll is.

A doll is.

But what will it become?

[jump-in-the-whump]

Whumpee doesn’t really understand what is going on, everything is happening so fast and their head is pounding so bad.

“hey, can you hear me? Whumpee?” A voice calls out their name. Whumpee raises their head.

“i-i... don’t... understand....i-i...” Whumpee rasps out, before a coughing fit interrupts him. 

“shh, don't force yourself too much. I'll explain everything later, now I'm here and I just wanna help you, ok?”

Whumpee is in so much pain, it's hard to breathe. They’re so weak, they lean onto Caretaker, drowning in their quiet words and soft movements. A tear escapes Whumpee’s eye. It's been so long since they were treated like this, like a human being.

"Caretaker..... " Whumpee manages to say, with a weak, raspy voice. 

“Yeah, that's right, I am Caretaker. I am here and I won't let them hurt you anymore..." Caretaker whispers, hugging Whumpee, caressing their dirty, greasy hair.  Whumpee winces in pain and can't help but cry, the happiness and comfort are too much for them to manage.

[poppy5991]

Just like your regular dreams and nightmares, PTSD nightmares are not going to be a straightforward recollection of events. It’s going to be fragments of what your brain is trying to process while you’re asleep.

[madpunks]

i don't know what psychotic person needs to hear this, but it is in fact okay for you to be psychotic. it's not your fault. you're not asking for it. it's something that's occurring to you. trying to force it to stop happening ALL the time is going to drain you way too much. some days you just have symptoms and it's alright. sometimes you just have to go with the flow. you're not a fuck up if you have episodes, days, weeks, months of not being able to hold it together and mask your paranoia, intrusive thoughts, delusions, hallucinations, catatonia, confusion, etc. it's alright to just be mentally ill for a bit. i love you

[allthingswhumpyandangsty]

how to write a character who suffers a PTSD from their past toxic relationship, how they can react / what they might say in certain situations

trigger warnings for abuse, domestic violence, ed

how they can react in certain situations

✘ avoid making eye contact, but will look up to meet caretaker’s eyes immediately if caretaker tells them to — for instance, caretaker is concerned about whumpee who keeps their gaze on the floor all the time; so, without thinking, caretaker says, “ look at me”. it doesn’t matter if they say it in a soft, comforting tone, they immediately regret it because whumpee quickly jerks their head up to meet caretaker’s eyes, fully thinking caretaker will hurt them if they don’t obey.

✘ whumpee is used to receiving orders. they don’t understand the concept of saying no and not being punished for it. so anything caretaker asks them to do (keyword; ask, whumpee can absolutely say no), whumpee will comply whether or not they want to (but they will do their best to make sure it looks like they want to).

✘ avoid staying in a crowded room or even an open space. whumpee will most likely seek comfort from some quiet corner where they’re away from anybody and nobody can bother them.

✘ an open space where there’s no one around can also bother whumpee, because it’s not just about being surrounded by a lot of people that’s triggering to whumpee. being alone in an open space can make whumpee feel extremely exposed, like an easy target.

✘ so mostly, whumpee will seek some quiet corner where they are alone and aren’t easily seen.

✘ they don’t like being the center of attention or being talked about. because this can also make them feel vulnerable, uncomfortable and exposed.

✘ physical touch that comes with no heads up, the ones that catch whumpee off guard, can result in a terrible reaction from whumpee, even if it’s an act of affection (a hug, a friendly pat on the shoulder, etc), because whumpee has already associated all kind of physical contact with pain and violence. so if someone touches them, they reflexively expect it to hurt.

✘ being jumpy in general. they may flinch away at any loud noise, any physical touch.

✘ lack of opinions in general. if they have to engage in a conversation where more than two people are talking about something, whumpee will remain quiet. not because they’re shy but because they 1.) think their opinions don’t matter 2.) are afraid they might say something wrong that’ll get them punished 3.) don’t want to risk speaking out of turn.

✘ whumpee expect themself to be punished if they make a mistake, doesn’t matter how small the mistake is — for instance, whumpee accident knocks over a glass of water, causing it to shatter, and immediately starts to panic, because they believe they will get punished for it.

✘ the rules whumper previously set for whumpee may still be effective for whumpee, even if they’re with caretaker now; whumpee still follows whimper’s rules because 1.) it’s an old habit 2.) they just want to stay safe.

✘ they can react poorly to food. whumpee may have no appetite at all, and can develop a wave of anxiety that can lead to nausea if they’re forced to eat. (this doesn’t mean caretaker is supposed to just let them starve though, only that it can be challenging and caretaker has to be very careful about how they approach this, how they handle the situation to help whumpee.)

✘ insomnia. whumpee having trouble sleeping at night, this can cause them to feel tired during daytime.

things they can say in certain situations

✘ “it’s okay.”

✘ “I’m used to it.”

✘ “I can be good. I’ll be good.”

✘ “I don’t deserve this.” (on being shown kindness)

✘ “it’s what I deserve.” (on being hurt)

✘ “why are you kind to me?”

✘ “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.” (on making a mistake)

✘ “please, don’t be mad at me.”

✘ “I’ll do better next time.”

✘ “you’re not angry?”

✘ “it’s up to you”

✘ “either is fine with me.” (on being asked to pick something or to give an opinion)

✘ “it’s my fault.”

[mellowwillowy]

Yan! Emperor x GN Empress! Reader

CW: General Yandere warnings. Another warning on the second cut.

"𝑯𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒂 𝒑𝒖𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒕 𝒂𝒔𝒄𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝒊𝒏𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝑹𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒎 𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒑𝒖𝒑𝒑𝒆𝒕𝒆𝒆𝒓."

Yan! Emperor who schemed against the Empress to have her resigned from her position or even better, executed. He wouldn't want this wench to take the position of his love after all.

Yan! Emperor who secured your position as the next Empress. Hm? It didn't matter what your gender was. Whether you were a woman or a man or neither, for as long as you kept up with the facade, no one would ever notice it.

Yan! Emperor who secured a place for you in the palace, he would never allow anyone to drive you out of it even if it was the Empress or his puppeteers.

Yan! Emperor whose love was only reserved for you and you. The image of you on his bed embracing his tired body would always live in his head rent-free.

Yan! Emperor who felt the need to protect you despite your capabilities of protecting yourself. The two of you may be strong but he knew well the two of you were the exact contrasity of each other. He was the Sin while you were the Virtue itself.

Yan! Emperor who would not hesitate to drag the people who insulted or even caused the slightest inconvenience toward you by their broken and twisted limbs.

Yan! Emperor who secretly worshipped you as though you were his God all along. He couldn't care less about the God his puppeteer worshipped.

Yan! Emperor who knew you hated how both of your lives were controlled like a puppet. But even so, he knew you hated how he had to use force to break free from the strings they used to tug on the two of you.

Yan! Emperor who devised a plan to break free of himself first before saving you. Killing every one of the higher-ups who were using him as a puppet figuratively and literally.

"Then do pray forgive but my dear, what would be left of me, of us, if I didn't kill them all?"

Yan! Emperor who knew you had always been trying to break free from their grasp in a virtuous way, you had always been so naive... no matter how red your armories were painted, that little head of yours had always been so naive.

Yan! Emperor who started to cut the strings that were controlling you one by one so that it wasn't that noticeable that he was involved in this. He knew you'd be devastated if you knew they were all killed just to free you.

Yan! Emperor who started to frame the Empress, forging pieces of evidence and crimes that were all pointed to her neck. It took a lot of time and preparation but he was a patient man. A price to pay to have you sitting next to him on the throne.

Yan! Emperor who stole your journal that detailed all the wrongdoings of everyone in the imperial palace. This way, you wouldn't question the credibility of the accusations thrown at them. Ah, where did you put your diary again?

Yan! Emperor who couldn't wait to fit all the missing puzzles into place, executing all his plans into motion while watching everyone fall from their haven. When the Empress had finally lost all her backing and support, he decided to strike her down with a final hit.

Yan! Emperor who made you watch everything unravel from the front row, how rain fell as the Empress cursed him and you while the guards held her in place.

"YOU WILL SUFFER THE SAME FATE AS I DO, UWAAAAAAAAAAHHH"

Yan! Emperor who watched how your grip on the umbrella tightened, tears wetting your cheek along with the raindrops.

"It's finally over, my dearest."

Yan! Emperor who held no remorse for the deceased as he viewed them as nothing but hindrances to the both of you.

"One must never stop oppressing for just a mere slight of a second would give them a chance to bite back."

Yan! Emperor who immediately discharged you from your position as the Grand General and made you his Empress shortly after the mourning phase had passed. The mourning phase was nothing but a joke to him as his body collided with yours, spending his nights with you.

Yan! Emperor who courted you with a show of him displaying his archery skills, piercing all pearls that were thrown at him down. It somehow reminded him how he annihilated everyone that came in his and your way.

Yan! Emperor who was really mad in love with you, someone who suffered the same fate as he did and yet remained true to self, pristine virtue and beaming in radiance. You were the light of his life despite how your white garment slowly reddened into prosperous red adorning your body. You were the Empress and you had to behave like one, strong-willed and swiftly adapt to all the scheming people in the Imperial Palace.

Yan! Emperor who was your first backing and support, right?

Yan! Emperor who loved you and only you. Forever. For eternity.

CW: Yan! Emperor against Reader (because he wanted Reader to be his lover), Reader's death. Angst no comfort (comfort came in the next lives lmfao), Yan! Emperor avenged your death though (mass slaughter of nation)...

Yan! Emperor who was not pleased with how strong-willed you were as an Empress. As much as he respected you as a former Grand General and an Empress, he did not wish for you to not express any kind of romance sparks anymore.

Yan! Emperor who hated how virtuous you were to the point it slowed down the supposed plan. From then on, the Imperial Palace was divided into two sides, your side and his side. Did he finally stop supporting you, you wondered.

Yan! Emperor who knew what you two had gone through and that you were only being considerate to those who were suffering as well. Nonetheless, he also knew what you suggested was also filled in loopholes.

Yan! Emperor who saw you took in someone under your wing, a girl who was brimming with innocence and curiosity, a reminder to him of how you used to be before you were slowly corrupted.

"It seems like they took her in because it reminded them of themselves as well."

Yan! Emperor who watched how you cared for the girl and protected her from anything that would trouble her. As much as he knew how platonic it was, it was undeniable that he was jealous of the attention that girl received.

Yan! Emperor who noticed how things started to crumble down between you and that girl sooner than you did. He noticed how her eyes were now purely brimming in Envy, green matching her eye colors.

Yan! Emperor who knew she wanted what you had. Honor, strength, intelligence, willpower, and spouse. He knew it and he used that against you.

"If only they are no longer the Empress..." He whispered into the girl's ear, "You would be the next Empress..."

Yan! Emperor who despised the idea of people thinking he really loved his current concubine, she was nothing but a pawn to him. Holding her hand alone made him frown in disgust. He wanted to hold you again and not some make-believe of you.

Yan! Emperor who watched everything by the sideline, how that girl started to consume everything you had, honor, support, intelligence but never his heart.

Yan! Emperor who witnessed everything going well just like his plans until it didn't. His heart was sunken.

"One must never stop oppressing for just a mere slight of a second would give them a chance to bite back."

Yan! Emperor who was only away for a month was informed about your death. The overthrow did not go as he expected. It was supposed to only have you exiled but not killed!

Yan! Emperor who went furious immediately, leaving the province he was in to ensure everything was false news. His horse galloped as though it was burnt alive by him, he did not stop despite the hunger and cold he had to face. YOU were his priority.

Yan! Emperor who saw the whole imperial palace was adorned in red instead of white. So it was only false news, right?

"Hao Yuchen, the traitor had finally been overthrown."

Yan! Emperor whose body failed to stand, his mind racing in horror of what he had done. Instead of surrendering to her mercy, you remained persistent as you had always been, charging toward her men instead of her despite your wounded body. The ending was clear, you died due to your wounds and lack of blood.

Yan! Emperor whose golden eyes finally lost its reflection of light, what swirled in it was only grudge and guilt.

Yan! Emperor who wished he could somehow just strangle the girl and himself to death now. That way, he might be able to meet you in Heaven right?

Yan! Emperor who knew he was bound to be sent to hell. He had committed sins in his whole life and was ready to repent for it to meet you in Heaven up there.

"But what if I ascended as a God instead?"

Yan! Emperor who had no choice but to make her the next Empress, rumors circulating around the Imperial Palace as two Empress had been overthrown. Will this girl be overthrown as well?

Yan! Emperor who wondered to himself, would you be angry if he drove this girl who you protected in your last stand to death? If so, he was ready to feel your fury, in fact, he wished he could feel anything from you.

Yan! Emperor who despised the girl that copied everything you did, he loathed the red that was once adorned your body worn by her now.

Yan! Emperor who was a patient man. A price to pay to have her body floating lifeless on a river. Yes, she would be disposed of the moment he deemed her useless to the nation.

Yan! Emperor who tricked her into drinking the poison instead of the elixir of immortality, letting her body fall into the river as her eyes never left the moon.

"... The moon looks beautiful just like them..."

Yan! Emperor who had always been jealous of the girl. He knew she adored you and yet her way of viewing things was distorted into something disturbing.

But who was he to speak like that when he himself was also at fault?

Yan! Emperor who sat by the porch, gazing into the moon while reminiscing the memories he shared with you before drinking the elixir of immortality.

Yan! Emperor who knew there were only 2 people left in the Imperial Palace, him and a nameless young man.

Yan! Emperor who let the young general cut him open with his sword, feeling a little of the pain of what you felt back then. The general pulled out a bottle of concoction from his sleeve,

"This is the real elixir of immortality." He spat as he drank the elixir.

Yan! Emperor who did not shut his eyes close, his eyes never left the moon above him. Were you residing on the moon as a rabbit? Or were you flying freely like a crane?

In the Imperial Palace, the Emperor lay lifeless on the porch, his golden eyes were dead but they never left the moon above him.

"I will... forever... hold you dearly... in my heart..."

To find you again, to see you again, to hold you again.

Even if it took millenniums... even if it meant I had to destroy your life again...

In the river, the girl's body floated lifeless as her eyes never left the moon.

In the forest, the boy's body lay lifeless as butterflies and flowers surrounded him, his eyes never left the moon.

ᴀꜰᴛᴇʀɴᴏᴛᴇꜱ:

The second cut wasn't really necessary to be read but here's a summary. (The fic up there was packed into summary as well but it left lots of confusion and details out so it sounds OFF)

Hao Yuchen - Emperor

Ying Zili - Girl

Ying Qingyuan - Nameless Young Man

Reader's whereabouts remained unknown. (Nb: reader will appear as a crane next time.)

After the reader's death, the Emperor starts to plan the Empress' downfall, tricking her into making the wrong moves and framing her. The Empress was depicted as committing suicide out of the pressure of mistakes she had committed while the truth is that she was tricked into drinking the poison she thought as an elixir of immortality.

The Nameless Young Man was suspected to be either Reader or Empress' underling.

The whole nation was slaughtered by the Emperor which indirectly made him ascend as a God instead.

Empress and Nameless Young Man also ascended as Gods as well. Ps: in the original lore, the Emperor's ego was hurt so he tried to strike down the Empress and turned them into his lover.

Bonus ; Crack

[dying-weeds]

[the-bi-space-ace]

Okay I’m going to talk about cutting off Crosshair’s hand because while I know plenty of people see a lot of symbolism in it and think it was a good decision I have things to say about it.

I have CPTSD which has a lot of different symptoms. One of them is trembling or shaking. There’s a lot of complexities tied up in it but I’m not going to go into more detail because it’s not a fun thing to talk about.

What I liked about Crosshair’s trauma was that it impacted him not only mentally and emotionally but also physically. It’s very representative of what it’s actually like dealing with symptoms from something like PTSD and CPTSD (there are differences between these two that I won’t go into rn). I loved that we got to see a physical symptom of something psychological. It’s so rare that it’s handled well. Because yeah meditation and safety will help, certainly, but oftentimes it’s not the end all be all. I’m safe. I’m protected. I take care of my mental well being. But I still have symptoms that say the opposite. Because it’s not as simple as ‘no longer in the bad situation therefore the symptoms will stop’. I’ve made my peace that it’s lifelong and, honestly, Crosshair’s symptoms would be lifelong as well.

Cutting off his hand…

Here’s the thing.

The show really makes it seem like cutting off his hand is something he needed to move forward. He needed to be rid of the symptom because it was a physical reminder and it was holding him back from moving on. Cutting off the hand means no more shaking which means he’s healed. No more shaking hand=no more trauma. He can finally move on with his life.

And to that I say ouch.

There’s been plenty of times my symptoms are inconvenient to myself or others. Times when I wish I could just make it stop. Times when I’m terrified that it’s holding me back and I’m screwed up and that’s all I’ll ever be: broken. There are plenty of times I know people wish i could just knock it off and get over it and cut it out but that’s not how it works. Like I said. I’ve made peace with this thing that’ll be with me forever.

It was refreshing to see him try to adapt to dealing with it instead of ignoring it or trying to get rid of the part of him that was hurting. I loved that. It was such a freeing thing to see. Someone who will live with the hurt and the symptoms and it doesn’t make him any less. It just makes him have to do life a little different.

I hate that they cut off his hand. I hate that it wasn’t handled with any sort of nuance or delicacy. And I hate that this thing that made me so proud of him, so proud to share something with him, just got cut off for… what? Shock? To ‘fix’ him?

If we had gotten more time with the loss of his hand maybe I’d feel differently. Hell, I’d love to see how Crosshair adapts to losing his hand, see how he learns to accommodate. It would give him and Echo something to bond over and talk about, finding healing with each other. I think this could’ve been done well. I’d still be on the fence about it but I would’ve held my breath and saw how it played out.

I fully expect people to roll their eyes at me here. I expect that people will say that I just don’t get it or that this isn’t what they intended. I’m sure this isn’t what they intended. At least I hope it isn’t. But what they intended doesn’t change how insensitively this was handled after a whole season of him unpacking his hurt and trying to learn to adapt to it. No one reacted to it, not even Crosshair, and we got no unpacking of what happened. I’m not happy with this but it is what it is I guess.

[starrylevi]

Levi doesn’t realize he’s shaking, not until you’re placing a gentle hand over his own. He immediately meets your gaze and you see the horror and grief in his sliver blue eyes. “It’s okay.” You whisper softly, trying to soothe him. “It’s over.” Levi continues to stare at you for a moment, still shaking but the intensity of it lowers. “You don’t have to fight anymore.” You continue, pressing your lips to his temple, over his bandage. If you weren’t so close to him you wouldn’t have heard the almost imperceptible sigh come out of his mouth. The silence that follows from him is him pondering your words. He’s always been a soldier and has lived in a constant state of hyper vigilance. He doesn’t know anything but war. But not anymore, all that’s left is you. Only you. And in that moment, he’s never felt more at peace.

[genderqueerdykes]

after this website decided to attempt to ban porn and ns fw content, it's honestly become a nightmare to navigate as an asexual person w/ sexual trauma. because next to no one uses the mature filter, or tags things as ns fw or even ns ft for fear of having their content or blogs taken down, it means that tumblr has returned to the wild west of random porn flooding your dashboard with next to nothing you can do about attempting to filter it out again

it's not great for a lot of people in general, even outside of asexuality; people with jobs who browse tumblr in their down time, people who have or work with kids, people who spend a lot of time in public, people who are often at religious establishments or events, children and teenagers- there are load of children who lie about their birth date in order to sign up for just about any website ever, the amount of minors are on here is staggering. this is not good many people in general.

as an asexual person with a long history of sexual trauma, i struggle to navigate my dashboard or even certain tags right now. even the act of tagging certain posts will have tumblr suggest 'related' tags that are nsf w even if you are tagging things something simple like "ftm" or "enby" or "butch lesbian". it's great that other people are flourishing and embracing their sexuality, but it comes at the cost of making this website very difficult to browse for asexual people and people with sexual trauma

my heart goes out to the rest of you who are absolutely exhausted and triggered by this. again it's wonderful for the people who enjoy it, but because of how strict the tagging and filtering systems are on this website and how easy it is to get your entire blog deleted just by having a single thing flagged as mature, this website has gotten significantly worse at actually filtering the content they set out to remove in the first place.