#incorrect prey quotes

[incorrectbatfam]

batfam members being the smartest and dumbest person in the room at the same time

Damian: Here's the plan: we wait for your mother to put the pie on the windowsill to cool. Then, I'll spoof a call to her work phone in order to draw her away. That's when you come in and take it. Are we clear?

Jon: *walks up to Lois*

Jon: Mom, can Damian and I have a piece of pie?

Lois: Of course, here you go.

———————

Cullen: I tripped over my shoelaces again.

Harper: I can make self-tying shoelaces that can only come apart when you use a password-protected app.

Cullen: ...I was just thinking of wearing velcro.

———————

Duke: Check out my project! Not to brag, but I think I know who's winning the science fair.

Izzy: What is it?

Duke: It's a chamber that excites nanoparticles to generate short-term high-intensity thermal energy that can alter organic matter to make them suitable for human consumption. What do you think?

Izzy: Funny, I have one at home. Only I call it a microwave.

———————

Dinah and Babs: *talking*

Dinah: One sec, I'm getting a call.

Dinah: *answers her phone*

Dinah, immediately hanging up: Never mind.

Barbara: Was your number leaked? I have a list of possible suspects and plans for dealing with each one.

Dinah: Relax, it was just spam.

———————

Bernard, with a mic: Welcome back to MasterChef: Young Justice. We're down to our finalists, Red Robin and Spoiler. Let's see what they brought us today.

Tim: I made a nutrient-dense mass-conserving meal replacement with all essential components compressed in a gelatinous cube for a quick, on-the-go meal during our off-world missions. I'm serving it with a protein shake served in a vacuum-sealed pouch made completely out of recycled materials.

Steph: I made authentic Belgian waffles using techniques dating back to the 1958 Brussels World Fair. I'm serving it with a warm Swiss chocolate ganache, Japanese white strawberries, and homemade ube powdered sugar. For a drink, we have a cappuccino made with fair-trade Colombian dark roast beans and milk sourced from local farmers.

Kon, Bart, and Cassie: *taste and discuss*

Kon: You're both eliminated.

Tim and Steph: What?!

Cassie: Red Robin, the point of this competition is to showcase taste and culinary artistry, not just your engineering skills.

Bart: And Spoiler, you were supposed to make soup.

———————

Cass: *sneaks out her room*

Cass: *rolls down the hall*

Cass: *jumps over the couch*

Cass: *crawls through the vents*

Cass: *climbs down the rafters*

Cass: *slides down a gas pipe into the Batcave*

Cass: *lands in front of the door*

———————

Dick: I'll infiltrate the Iceberg Lounge with my state-of-the-art wearable camouflage that uses reverse psychology to throw all suspicions off of me by catching people's attention in a completely different way.

Jason: Pfft, lame. You should check out my latest tech. It's a potassium nitrate–based mixture that can be activated with a built-in timer to both create a diversion and incapacitate more of the Penguin's cronies at once.

Dick: That's stupid. We need to be subtle.

Jason: No, what we need is efficiency.

Dick: Roy, what do you think?

Roy, looking up from his phone: I think one of you wants to dress in drag and the other made a bomb.

———————

Bruce: I need the kids to steer clear of Crime Alley tonight so I can deal with a situation but I don't want to bench them because then they'll be mad at me. Any ideas?

Alfred: Give them paperwork.

Selina: Send them on a wild goose chase.

Kate: Get them to bench themselves.

Renee: Wow.

Renee: You all suck.

[incorrectquotesmcu]

Yelena: What the hell is up with this bow and arrow shit?

Y/N: IT'S NOT A FUCKING BOW AND ARROW. It's a crossbow! I'm not twelve!

Kate: HEY!

Y/N: No offense, Katniss.

Yelena: I love this one. They've got rage issues.

Y/N: [getting in her face] I DON'T HAVE RAGE ISSUES!

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

Charlie: “So this is what a full hotel looks like…”

Vaggie: “Think it’ll survive until Extermination day?”

Charlie: “I don’t know if I’LL survive to Extermination day.”

Vaggie: “Aww, babe.”

Charlie: “Seriously, who keeps ordering pizza??? We all already KNOW the cannibals will just skip it and try chewing on the poor delivery person!”

Vaggie: “My bet’s on Angel Dust. He’s not exactly thrilled the place got filled up with ‘shit smiling judgmental prudes.’”

Charlie: “Whyyy didn’t I remember the cannibals have a whole dress-code thingy?”

Vaggie: “They are being polite about it though.”

Charlie: “They keep eyeing Angel Dust’s exposed thighs like they’re chicken wings.”

Vaggie: “And if they wanted to eat him up in any other way, he’d be thrilled.”

Charlie: (growling) “Some of them keep looking at YOUR thighs as if they were-”

Vaggie: “Anything other than property of Charlie Morningstar?”

Charlie: “-Vaggie they want to TEAR YOU APART!”

Vaggie: “And they’re not actually trying it, which is polite, even if they’re still talking about how angels might taste whenever I’m in the room.”

Charlie: (pout) “You taste good.”

Vaggie: “Not like that, babe.”

Charlie: “How could the rest of you not taste good too??”

Vaggie: “Ask the cannibals. Meat flavors based on where the meat thing lived and what it ate, something something- What if angel steaks taste like artificial food coloring?”

Charlie: “I like those-!”

Vaggie: "I know." (laughing) “Maybe that’s another reason why you’re the woman of my dreams.”

Charlie: “Am I?”

Vaggie: “The one and only.”

Charlie: “You’d never… think about leaving me for someone else?”

Vaggie: “NO?”

Charlie: “Someone a little more badass maybe?”

Vaggie: “Not possible. You called heaven out for being total bullshit. In a song.”

Charlie: “Maybe someone you had an instant and deep connection with?”

Vaggie: “Like the woman that bandaged my eye socket and took me home with her and nursed me through physical and emotional hell all because she also thought sinners might be people worth caring about?”

Charlie: “Well what about someone who… is just better? At the whole. Everything.”

Vaggie: “Literally who. Who the fuck-”

Charlie: “Carmilla?”

Vaggie: “Car-hhhhHHH." (chokes)

Vaggie: "AHAHAHAHAH! Charlie! WHAT!?”

Charlie: “She’s cool. She’s one of those, those muffin things right? Angel Dust said-”

Vaggie: “A milf, sweetie. It’s milf and PLEASE also listen to Husk’s reality checks whenever Angel Dust opens his well meaning but dumb as shit whore mouth.”

Angel Dust: (distantly) “My HOT and SEXY whore mouth heard that, toots!”

Vaggie: (yelling back) “Then go stick a dick in it!”

Angel Dust: “I’m tryin’~”

Charlie: (used to this) (ignoring them) “So the whole private training battle song thing was, not a turn on for you? At all?”

Vaggie: “If I ever call Carmilla Carmine ‘mommy’ it’ll be because she just signed my adoption papers.”

Charlie: “Oh! Okay! Juuuust wanted to check.”

Charlie: “…..”

Charlie: “Are you gonna ask about me and the head-to-heart I had with-”

Vaggie: “No.”

Charlie: “-because I was literally thinking about you the whole time-“

Vaggie: (smile) “That just took a perfectly non-worrying thing and made it sound bad.”

Charlie: “Is there a thing like a- an elf??”

Vaggie: “Aunt you’d like to fuck?”

Charlie: “Well not ME personally. But Rosie is very impressive.”

Vaggie: “You looked more impressed up in heaven.”

Charlie: “Huh? Heaven??”

Vaggie: “Nothing- never mind. I do actually have a lady-related question for you though.”

Charlie: “What does heaven have to do with- what?”

Vaggie: “I think I’m in love.”

Charlie: “WHAT!?”

Vaggie: “She’s ripped out my heart and I want to thank her for it.”

Charlie: “Th-thh that’s wait how when-?”

Vaggie: “Charlie.”

Charlie: “-y, yes?”

Vaggie: “Can we keep inviting Susan over, even after Extermination day?”

Charlie: “…”

Charlie: “Susan.”

Vaggie: “Charlie please? Please? She's the granny I don't deserve and desperately need in my life. Please please please please-”

Charlie: “But, Vaggie- She HATES everyone!”

Vaggie: “I know!”

Charlie: “And she SAYS it!?”

Vaggie: “And it’s so fucking cool.”

Charlie: “She said you dress like a hooker!”

Vaggie: “Angel Dust was furious. I think he would’ve thrown a punch at her, in defense of hookers everywhere, if Husk hasn’t grabbed him.”

Charlie: “A LAZY hooker!”

Vaggie: “That one hit home and I’ll cherish it’s sting forever.”

Charlie: “She’s not NICE. She doesn’t even PRETEND to be nice like the other cannibals do!”

Vaggie: “Isn’t that great?” (grinning) “She’s like, the anti-Alastor….”

Charlie: (sigh)

Charlie: “I guess… being brutally, painfully, rudely honestly about your feelings is… not the worst thing someone can be.”

Vaggie: “YES! Can we adopt the creepy old mean lady?”

Charlie: “She can visit. We are NOT inviting her to LIVE here.”

Vaggie: (smiling)

Charlie: “….”

Charlie: (drooping) “…not unless she wants to.”

Vaggie: “Thanks, sweetie.” (kiss) “She never would. She hates us all and especially the hotel. Ask her and she’ll tell you, in detail, how all our decorating ideas are terrible and she’s only here to grab the free snacks, shove some angel leftovers in her basket, and then fuck off to her own perfect home back in Cannibal Town.”

Charlie: “So why scare me like that by asking? SUSAN in the attic! Ughghgh…”

Vaggie: “’cause it’s nice hearing you’d be open to it anyway.”

Charlie: “Mmrmph.”

Vaggie: “I like remembering that you’re like this.”

Charlie: “Whipped marshmallow.”   

Vaggie: "That Angel Dust again?"

Charlie: "Maybe."

Vaggie: "I've got a better word for you."

Charlie: "Like 'girlfriend?"

Vaggie: “Like amazing.”

Charlie: (snorts) (smiles) "Heh. Alright, flattery accepted."

Vaggie: "My wonderfully, adorably dramatic, heart stopping and breathtakingly passionate girlfriend, the most incredible person I've ever met, who-"

Charlie: (laughing) “Now who’s being a sweetie?”

Vaggie: “Charlie, I’m seri- whoah!”

Niffty: (lifting up floor board vaggie was standing on and peeking up at them) “Hey guys!”

Charlie: “Niffty!” (hug lifting vaggie to safety) “W- hi! Um! What is it?”

Niffty: “A bad day not to wear underwear!”

Vaggie: “And a good day to Die.”

Niffty: "I WISH!" (GIGGLES) “News from the hotel gossip line! S.O.S from Husk- he says Angel Dust and some cannibals are fighting over who gets to put the new pizza delivery in their mouths while Cherri’s taking bets and also shots.”

Charlie: "Shots of alcohol?"

Niffty: "Laser gun!"

Charlie: "Nooooo I thought we'd cleaned up everything after Pen's last inventing spree!"

Niffty: "Missed one. She keeps missing too. She fried the pizza."

Vaggie: "Instead of?"

Niffty: (GRINS) "The pizza delivery person!"

Vaggie: “Ugh. We look away for Ten. Minutes.”

Charlie: “Well that’s not- that’s not TOO bad! At least Sir Pentious isn’t-”

Niffty: “His corpse is in the lobby.”

Charlie: “-right. Okay.”

Vaggie: “Why is he a corpse in the hotel lobby this time?”

Niffty: “The cannibals accidentally ate his tongue while he was trying to show Cherri how long it was and then he choked while proving he has no gag reflect and can unhinge his jaws.”

Charlie: “Oh.”

Niffty: “The cannibals want to snack on him again but Susan keeps yelling at them about ‘crumbling standards’ and ‘back in HER day-‘”

Vaggie: “I love her.”

Charlie: “I’m right here.”

Vaggie: “You kinda love her too right now.”

Charlie: (pulls face) “She can come to dinner every other week. If we live. For now though, let’s just, um.”

Vaggie: “Go save the snake man?”

Niffty: “That man is DEAD!”

Charlie: “Resuscitate. We should go resuscitate the snake m- Sir Pentious.”

Niffty: (giggles) “And I’m gonna go order another pizza boy~” (scurries back under floor board)

Vaggie: “Wait, Niffty-”

Charlie: “Niffty! Are YOU the one who’s been-? Vaggie NO-”

Vaggie: (spear out) (in pursuit) “GET OUT OF THE CRAWL SPACES RIGHT NOW AND COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE-”

[toulousewayne]

Daily Batfam Shenanigans Pt:5

————

Damian:Grayson?

Dick looks over from his spot watching TV and eating Coco Puffs.

Dick:Yes Little Dee?

Damian:You are very aware of my experience with animals.

Dick: Very much so, yes.

Damian:Why does father seem so interested about give me Birds and bees.

Dick laughs for a bit.

Dick: No kiddo, he talking about…the reproductive health.

Damian:…Sex? I know what sex is Grayson Mother gave me this with topic with a diagram and you and the alien are never quiet when I stay at the tower. So I do not see the need for such time constraints.

Dick:…

—————

Jason is in the cave help Tim with his wound care when he notices a large scar on Tim.

Jason: Where’d you get this from Replacement, falling off the handlebars of your bike again?

Tim (Drowsy from medicine ): Oh that, no Ra took my spleen.

Jason:…..The fuck you just say Tim?

——

Oracle is in the ClockTower and is on Coms with Robin who’s patrolling the East end.

Robin: Oracle?

Oracle: Yes, Robin?

Robin:Father, had the talk with me earlier.

Oracle:And how’d that go?

Robin:I think Father needs to take a course on giving the talk he isn’t very good at it.

Oracle (Chuckling): Why do you think that?

Robin: He kept trying to explain anatomy but he didn’t understand women’s. He said I should ask a woman.

Oracle loosing it on the other line.

Robin:Is it that complex?

Oracle gaining her composure: Oh, kiddo you right your father needs help.

Robin: So will you explain—

Oracle: Absolutely not.

————

Duke:Is this safe?

Jason:Most likely not.

Duke:Should we tell someone?

Jason:Probably.

Duke:Are you going to?

Jason: Nope

Alfred in the next room: Whatever you two are about to do, save yourselves the trouble.

—————

Kate: And how did you convince him to do it?

Stephanie & Dick: Bribes

Kate: Okay, so what exactly did you two bribe him with?

Dick(Smirking): That’s highly useful and top secret information.

Jason enters the room in a fuzzy red sweater and approaches Bruce who’s reading a book.

Bruce (Confused): Everything okay Jay?

Jason give Bruce a hug and quickly leaves the the room.

Stephanie (Sobbing): You got the tissues?

Dick hands her a box and dries his own tears.

Kate walking away: This family needs therapy.

————

Damian:……

Tim:Why are you staring at me?

Damian:………

Tim:Did I do something to you,or are you trying out to be one of the twins from the Shining?

Damian:I need you to take me and Jon to see a movie Saturday night.

Tim:You couldn’t have lead with that?!

—————

Barbara: Go Left

Batman & Nightwing go Right

Barbara: No your other left.

Nightwing:That’s the right?

Barbara trying not to scream and rip her hair out.

Barbara: This Family Makes me want to murder people.

Batman: Are we in Pursuit of Riddler Now?

*Oracle Disconnects*

[radlymona]

TRAs having no empathy yet again

Teenagers who are pushed towards transitioning aren’t “pushovers” they’re mentally and emotionally vulnerable young people who shouldn’t be allowed to make life-changing medical decisions. Acknowledging this fact isn’t stopping adults from transitioning. It just aims to stops other vulnerable teenagers from doing the same.

[teaaagan]

Best person ever!

Cassandra: Where's Harley?

Pamela: Don't worry, I'll find she

Pamela, shouting: Y/N sucks!

Harley, distantly: Y/N is the best person ever!Fuck you!

Pamela: Found she

[fandomnerd9602]

Hi can you do a male Red Robin saving Harley Quinn(Margot Robbie)

Y/N breaks into Black Mask’s club…

Harley: oh baby

Y/N knocks out guards and thugs left and right…

Harley simply purrs seductively…

Y/N: baby are you alright?

Harley: you sure know how to rev up your Harley. Vroom vroom (winks)

Y/N: we can solve that at home

Y/N unties Harley and the two quickly escape…

[shyjusticewarrior]

Cass: What's your favorite color?

Sin: Hot pink.

Barda: Beige!

Dinah: Barbara. Wait, what was the question again?

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

CT: D--> May I ask what crimes can be committed with a hot gl00 gun?

AC: :33< what crimes can't mew commit with a hot glue gun??

[hotwings-incorrect-quotes]

hawks: *trying to eat his chicken nuggets like a normal person*

dabi, in a voice of nature documentary narrator, hiding behind the couch: you can spot a dangerous predator in its natural habitat eating its hunted prey-

hawks: cut it.

dabi: predators of this kind never stop being vigilant-

hawks: seriously, dabi, stop it.

dabi, continuing: sometimes they can't control their instincts even while eating and hunt for their next prey-

hawks: i swear, you are about to be the next prey if you won’t stop.

dabi: the unpredictability of this species does not allow you to-

hawks, spreading his wings and swooping down on dabi like a real hawk: you asked for it!

dabi: *screams and falls on the ground*

[incorrectbatfam]

How about Batgirls/Birds of Prey babysitting gen alpha Jon and Dami? Did the kid have fun?

Dick: What's wrong? You look like you saw a Jason.

Cass: The horrors.

Dick: What do you mean?

Steph: We've seen things we can never unsee. Heard things we can never unhear. We will never be the same again, do you understand me?

Dick: I'm confused. Weren't you just watching Damian and Jon for the afternoon?

Harper: I could only stand two minutes. And I've been stuck in a room with Punchline overnight, twice.

Dick: Okay, back up. What actually happened?

[earlier]

Barbara: Hey boys, how was school?

Damian: Kent, spill the lore.

Jon: So this sus guy in math class acts like he's a sigma rizzler mewing for BeReal clout ever since his W Roblox speedrun. No cap, he thought he's Kai Cenat on Twitch and we're from Ohio, when he's really a Big L skibidi toilet with negative aura. So at lunch, we had a GOATed idea and Fanum taxed his gyatt while he stood there cooked like an NPC.

Cass: Uh...

Harper: *gets in her car and goes home*

Steph: I'm gonna re-dig my grave.

[incorrectringsofpower]

Galadriel: I’m telling you, if you want boys to respect you, you have to show them that you’re serious. Blow something up. Shoot someone. Nothing gets a guy’s attention like violence. Eärien:

[sessa23]

UNIT Agent  : [The Master/Missy walks up to the UNIT reception wearing a disguise]  Can I help you?

The Master/Missy: Why, yes. Yes, you can. I'm here to report a terrible crime.

UNIT agent: And what terrible crime is that?

The Master/Missy : [opens their coat/jacket to pull out their weapon of choice]  This one

[vodrae]

Barbara: SO I'M NEVER GONNA DANCE AGAIN THE WAY I DANCED WITH YOUUUU !

Dinah, following her wheelchairs move: It's as funny the 637th time than the first isn't it ?

Barbs: We danced so much I can't feel my legs anymore !

[kaethefangal]

Nobody:

Harley: What if instead of the bat family it was bat freaks

Harley: and instead of fighting crime they all freaked each other

Ivy: Give me your phone

Harley: BUT-

Ivy: *snatches it*

Ivy: Why are you looking at fics tagged batfamily on ao3?

Harley: WATTPAD GOT BORING!!

[teaaagan]

Starbucks

Harley, at Starbucks: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with um, seven espresso shots. 

Y/N, in line behind her: My God, just do cocaine