#dude the guy who plays Tim fucking killed it

[squipedmew]

Finished entry 65.

I’m going to need 2-3 business days to recover

[evilminji]

You know what seriously doesn't get played with enough?

In the grand, shared, doll set of Danny Phantom?

The cultural alienation.

Is Danny up to date on Human Memes? Did he see that movie? Hear about that celebrity drama? He lives here, amongst us, WITH us. But? Feels... half out of the loop.

And? He can't SHARE his passions with us.

Is he REALLY gonna show his new lecture buddy that hot new Kryptonian Sci-fi series he picked up from the Zone's nearest mega market bookstore? Invite a neighbor over for some sparkling ectoplasm laced soda and a binge of this cool Alien animated film from a long dead planet's artist guild? They're trying new mediums, apparently! Danny thinks it's pretty cool, he hopes they make more.

Oh, but maybe he can talk about games!

Except he switched to the technologically far more advanced Z-Held, years ago. They have literally billions of billions of options, since every game maker in their region of the Zone designs for it. Has for millennia.

....music?

Ghost speak either creeps people out or actually hurts to hear, if they listen too long. And "normal" music... feels so FLAT. Emotionless. Yeah, he'll LISTEN... smile and agree it sound nice. But it's... it's so bland? Less then bland.

He can't even share his food! It's a one way trip to ER! If not the morgue. Half his spices are FROM the Zone now. And Zone plants? Heeeeeella poisonous to humans. Tasty af to HIM, but... yeah. No sharing.

So like... what does that LEAVE him? Dance? Hobbies? Sam n Tucker he can share his REAL interests with, but... they went to different colleges. And protecting people isn't a hobby. It's more of a Gotta, you know? He ALSO can't join any space related clubs because now he knows WAY too much about Space.

Like "above civilian clearance, no one on this planet should know that" a lot.

He gets distracted. Too excited. He KNOWS himself.

He would totally ramble on about Space.

He's a Fenton, man. It's genetic.

So... he's lonely. Adrift. A sad, sad, semi-feral noodle of a man. And you know who would never let that stand? Who also wants to know what THE FUCK he's listen too, because it's both giving him a headache and creeping him out? Kon.

This dude reminds him of Tim. Complete with the feral energy and fluffy hair. *snaps pick* lol, bro, is you. ANYWAY, this guy? Apparently the source of the Kent family splitting migraines. That sound has been KILLING them. They need to get this guy better headphones. Aliens gotta stick together, you know? Time to go make friends.

*floats over in his shades n leather jacket* Sup~!

[cryptocism]

i was gonna ask how inertia II (helped superboy prime fight the teen titans) fit in the too many thads AU cause i originally thought he was an thad/bart clone but? he's just some dude? i feel like your (fantastic) fic gave him as much mind as the comics

truly that version of Inertia is such a mystery to me GOD i have so many questions. like, he isn't paid much mind within the actual narrative bc there's like 8 different fights happening all at once and Superboy Prime is the main antagonist but, straight up Who Is He.

like in the span of #98-100 there's a couple things that do get confirmed about him

for instance:

"After this is over, I gotta talk to them about this costume they gave me, I mean - green? It's the color of a turtle. Talk about Irony." - "This Inertia hasn't got a clue. He doesn't know that the last speedster to wear that costume killed me. I got better. But the scars run deep."

New Inertia says "they" gave him the Inertia costume. Who is "they"? Superboy Prime? CRAYDL? Someone else?

Bart concludes that New Inertia doesn't know how the previous one killed him. I assume just based on New Inertia's irreverence? But unclear.

"Inertia killed Bart, but that's not the same one. He's two inches taller. No doubt the costume choice is deliberate. Bart only has a few buttons, so it's easy to push them."

Tim notes in his narration that this Inertia is two inches taller than the last one. Why? What purpose does that serve?

Superboy Prime has proven himself capable of making clones, given the gaggle of Kon clones that show up in this fight, but if he made New Inertia to be another clone of Bart or of the previous Inertia, why the physical difference?

Even Bart can't figure out if this guy is a clone or not:

"What's the deal with all these clones? Is that Inertia one too? Or just another speedster?"

Which is kinda wild because although there is a wide selection of speedsters in present, Bart knows pretty much all of them. And even if this is a Random Guy With Superspeed, what would compel him to be here, fighting Bart?

And before any questions can be asked or answers can be given, Bart gets a lil lost in the trauma sauce (can't really blame him) and kicks the shit out of New Inertia

"I died. That happened. Inertia was the catalyst for it. He delivered the fatal blow. But I'm back, and this isn't the same Inertia, right? This is real. I've played out this scenario in my head over and over again. And every time, it felt better and better. Inflicting pain. Destroying him. Avenging myself." "So much anger - radiating like the sun. A dark, black sun. Bart is seething with rage." "It's what he deserves."

the "it's what he deserves" line always gets me. because they've already established this is a New Inertia, he literally hasn't done anything except fuck around causing trouble along with the rest of Superboy Prime's posse. anyway Bart obviously has lots of baggage surrounding Inertia, with the actions of one bleeding onto the other.

(fun fact Raven's description of Bart's emotions being a dark black sun informs a lot of the imagery in chapter 21 of Frequency)

"I... I could've killed him." "But you didn't. You controlled your emotions." "Yeah. See, Raven - we all got our demons inside."

AND THAT IS THE LAST WE SEE OF THIS GUY. Where does he go after this? Is he still unconscious after the fight or does he get away while they're going after Superboy Prime? Who does he go back to? Who The Hell Is He? Fuck you they gotta punch Superboy Prime so hard he ends up in purgatory.

Then of course the run is over, the universe is rebooted, and we get New 52. So all these questions will presumably remain unanswered forever.

But Canon Things About New Inertia Include:

he's "new to this"

not the previous incarnation of Inertia

two inches taller than the previous Inertia

received the Inertia costume from someone else, only referred to as "they"

working with Superboy Prime, but with zero on-panel interactions with either Superboy Prime or any of the other villains who have joined the fight. the degree of familiarity is unclear if not nonexistent.

irreverence regarding his predecessor implies he doesn't know the full history of what went down between Inertia and Bart

may or may not be another clone

gets the shit kicked out of him

it's so frustratingly vague lmao.

so yeah i took that and ran with it to inform Six's traits and backstory: The "they" who gave him the costume becoming CRAYDL, the other Six's, (and Project Inertia more generally). His height because he's slightly older than the previous Inertia was.

Follows-up on the previous Inertia's antagonism with only vague knowledge of what actually happened. Underestimates Bart's feelings on the topic. Joins up with Superboy Prime, not because of loyalty or familiarity but because going solo is what killed the old guy. Irreverent, uncommitted, overconfident. Tends to get the shit kicked out of him.

and then to follow up on this fight, Six's "first" meeting with Bart becomes his own weird revenge quest over that one time Bart kicked his ass. mostly just wanted the closure there, and for Six to have held a grudge about it for literal centuries bc it is funny 2 me.

my motivation for writing Frequency came from a frustration at the contradictory/unexplained/unexplored plot points and storylines specifically surrounding Thad/Inertia, this whole thing being a major one. At its most basic, Frequency is just my attempt to weave the disparate elements of canon into a cohesive narrative.

[dumbistsmartass]

Every Hatchetfield song explained badly in ten words or less

spoilers and also this is only the main trilogy not nightmare time.

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Yeah, he didn't like musicals

La Dee Dah Dah Day - "the dogs are my meal"

What Do You Want, Paul? - "please god have an I want song"

Cup of Roasted Coffee - If I had to sing working retail I'd kill someone

Cup of Poisoned Coffee - oh hey, they killed someone

Show Me Your Hands - this is what cops think 24/7

You Tied up My Heart - gaslight, gatekeep, girl bossing your way to mariticide

Join Us (And Die) - Guts Magee and Brainiac explain why you should KYS

Not Your Seed - "it's your fault your daughter is dead bitch"

Show Stoppin Number - He had a point but like no

America Is Great Again - you know what it's a joke about

Let Him Come - they know he's the main character

Let It Out - Is it an identify crisis or possession

Inevitable - a beautifully haunting ending

Tickle-Me Wiggly Jingle - what the actual fuck is this?

What Tim Wants - what can I say, it's sad

Califor.M.I.A. - they really want you to bond with these characters

What Do You Say? - everyone is too invested in these twos relationship

Our Doors Are Open - "shopping will fill the hole in your heart"

Feast Or Famine - this is real footage when the new iPhone comes out

Monsters and Men - He's fucking back!

Deck The Halls - we got a full working boys, we could get this

Take Me Back - I'll be real I skipped this one on rewatch

Adore Me - haunting when you don't say the shit part

Do You Want To Play? - a reversal of who you're told to trust

Made In America - we let him in via consumerism, amazing capitalism critique

Black Friday - me singing a musical as I'm being choked out

Monsters and Men (Reprise) - This guy is so cool

If I Fail You - "are we the baddies?"

Wiggle - Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle

What If Tomorrow Comes? - So she is seeing the other Hatchetfields right?

High School Is Killing Me - they really spoil the people who die first song huh?

Literal Monster - shove yourself in your locker

Cool As I Think I Am - you think you're cooler then you think you are

Dirty Girl - makes me genuinely uncomfortable, skip it

Bully The Bully - interesting plan, let's see how It plays out

Bury The Bully - oh... that got dark fast

Go Go Nighthawks! - everyone is happier now that this bitch is gone

Nerdy Prudes Must Die - to be fair, you did kill him

Hatchet Town - mass panic is so hip

Just For Once - we all though the light was gonna fall on her

If I Loved You - they are in so much denial

The Summoning - Wiggly want you to kill your crush

Cool As I Think I Am (Reprise) - really tragic, trying to convince the other to sacrifice them

The Best Of You - I'm so glad it didn't end with everyone dead again

Dirty Dudes Must Die - When you give a Christian a little dark magic

[misctf]

Tim took a deep breath as he wiped some sweat off his face with his shirt, making sure to show off his toned abdomen. A good run always helped him work up a sweat. And even better- the cute single girl that lived in the townhouse across from him had just gotten home and he wanted to give her a little show. They had spoken a few times and Tim was feeling good about his chances.

“Hey.” He said, motioning with his hand and giving her his signature smirk. Girls could barely resist it and he was good at playing the long game. Something his older brother taught him well. Give a few smirks, show off a little. It was only a matter of time before she caved. But until then, he could wait. He gave one final nod before he headed back inside his apartment, where he tossed his shoes to the side and started to head towards his room.

“Hey Mike!” He called out, awaiting the response of his roommate.

No response. Tim frowned- must’ve missed him. Mike probably left for home. And Tim couldn’t blame him. He had a lot going on anyway, even if things were getting better. It started about six months prior when Mike came out- shocking nearly everyone who knew him, especially Tim. Suddenly, Mike was a different person- no more gaming, going to sporting event, or bro talk- it was like his friend disappeared overnight. And the worst was his boyfriend, Jeremy. They apparently met at the gym and the guy was incredibly overbearing. So when Jeremy went back to his family home for the month, Tim was relieved. Especially when Mike started acting like his old self. And when Mike asked Tim for advice about breaking up with Jeremy, he was more than happy to help.

“Alright, gotta get a shower in, I smell ripe.” Tim mumbled pulling off his shirt.

“I think you actually smell good.” Tim jumped at the higher pitched voice that came from behind him. He turned around quickly, his eyes narrowing at none other than Jeremy, “Woah dude,” Jeremy mocked, “if looks could kill.” He teased.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Tim asked angrily, “And what the fuck are you wearing?” Tim was disgusted, looking at the nearly naked Jeremy. Yet he continued to stare, his eyes drawn to the jockstrap that covered the man’s package.  

“Oh I didn’t come here for Michael.” Jeremy sighed, “I wanted to speak to you actually.” Tim raised an eyebrow, “The breakup hurt, was a real shame honestly. But I guess Michael was stronger than I thought.” Jeremy smirked, “Eyes up here BTW.”

“I don’t have anything to say to you.” Tim replied, blushing, unable to stop staring. Jeremy chuckled.

“I know you helped Michael overcome my influence.” Jeremy his voice lowered, “He’s strong willed, part of the reason I was so into him. But I thought my hypnosis was enough at the time.” The dark haired man reflected.

“What are you talking about? You sound insane.” Jeremy sauntered over to Tim, who tried to take a step back but couldn’t move.

“When I saw him in the gym that day, his muscles bulging and all sweaty, I just... wow.” Tim’s eyes widened as Jeremy reached his hand out, gently caressing his cheek. He wanted to punch the freak, but couldn’t move, “And I knew I had to make him mine. And damn Tim I was good. I nearly had him, but he resisted. And then I left for vacation and all he had was you.” He spat.

“You bastard... You fucking hypnotized him? What even...”

“But Timmy.” Jeremy cut him off, “I realized something. When I look at you, feel you, I...” His hand moved across Tim’s chest.

“I’m not falling for any of your BS hypnosis bro. I’m not gonna be your new boyfriend.” Jeremy replied confidently. And for a second, he felt the hold over him break and he pushed Jeremy away.

Jeremy smiled, “Oh Timmy, I don’t need a boyfriend right now.” Tim was confused and it was evident on his face, “Don’t flatter yourself.” He chuckled, “I think I need some time for myself.”

“So then... what the fuck do you want?” Tim forced out. He was feeling hotter, sweat running down his chest and back.

Jeremy smiled, “Well, let me show you!” He walked towards the closet, shaking his ass with each step- something Tim couldn’t help but stare at, “You see, I can’t have Michael and I accept that. But break ups are hard. And honestly...” Tim watched as Jeremy pulled out a dog mask from behind the bed. From what he could tell, it was black and grey, likely made of shiny rubber, “I’ve always wanted a pup.”

“Fuck no, get that shit away from me.” Tim tried to move, but again found his body unable to move, his eyes fixated on the mask.

“These masks have been in my family for generations actually. I picked it up before I came back from vacay.” Jeremy said, now inches away from Tim, “I’ve only seen them in action a few times.” He frowned as he caressed Tim’s cheek, “It’s such a shame. If only I saw you first at the gym that day, maybe we would’ve been great together. I’ll miss seeing this handsome face.” And before Tim could get a word of protest in, Jeremy forced the mask over Tim’s face, pulling it into position.

At that moment Tim felt a burning sensation all across his face wherever the mask was touching. He let out a yelp of pain and his hands shot to his face, attempting to pull and tug at the mask. Jeremy stepped back and watched as Tim fell to his knees, desperately pulling at the mask that covered him. But no matter how hard Tim pulled, the mask wouldn’t budge. He was barely aware that the remainder of his clothes were burning away, leaving him naked. He looked up at Jeremy with tears in his eyes.

“Get this fucking thing off me!” Tim cried out. He tried to get his hands up underneath the hood, but to his horror, it was like the edge of the mask had fused with the skin of his neck. There was nowhere to pull it off, “What is this shit?!” He pulled at the snout and let out a yelp of pain. It felt almost like he was tugging at his own skin. He only confirmed his theory when he went to pull at the ears and felt a similar pain.

“Timmy, I’d stop doing that if I were you, looks painful.” Jeremy chuckled, watching as Tim continued pulling, “Ah that’s right. Tim stop pulling at your face.” Jeremy commanded, and much to Tim’s horror, he felt his arms fall to his sides. He looked up at the dark haired man, tears falling from his eyes, “As you can see, the mask has certain... qualities. All good pups are obedient, right Timmy?” Tim nodded slowly, “But the thing is, Michael told me a lot about you while we were dating. And I think in reality, this role will suit you very well.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Tim breathed out, still staring up at Jeremy.

Jeremy smirked, “You’ve always been a follower.”

His voice was firm and Tim felt something wash over him. A strange feeling that made him nod slowly. A follower? What could that even mean? He always felt like a leader- captain of his lacrosse team in high school, president of several clubs in college, and now was leading a team at his investment job. Was he actually a follower? Maybe he always listened to his parents and was easily swayed by his peers at times, but a follower seemed a bit extreme, right?

Jeremy cleared his voice, “You’ve always done what you think is expected of you.”

Tim shuddered. His accomplishments, his success and leadership roles- all those things were just what other people expected of him. His teachers, his family, his friends, his boss. All expecting him to do things, be something. He remembered his dad always telling him that he needed to go into business to make an honest living. His mom had encouraged him to eat healthy and stay in shape. His older brother always pushing him in sports and giving him tips on how to pick up girls. And why? Why did they do it? And... did he actually want these things?

“The more you think about it, the more you realize you’ve never wanted anything for yourself, only ever wanting to be guided.”

Tim looked down at his naked form. He was always taking in input from others, always modeling his interests and pursuits on what others suggested or pushed him towards. Who was he exactly? A stereotype. A straight jock who majored in business who lusted after women. But he was happy, wasn’t he? Did he even want to be someone else? And even if this wasn’t him or who he wanted to be, he was still successful, he still had friends, he was setting himself up nicely for a good future. He was making them proud, and that gave him a sense of accomplishment. And being told what to do was helpful. It made life easy- everything was so simple when his life was planned.

Jeremy smirked as he watched two arm bands materialize around Tim’s toned arms, “That’s another thing Timmy, when’d you start shaving your body hair?”

Tim looked up at Jeremy, forced to answer the question, “When Mike and I first started working out, I was impressed by how clean shaven he is. In the locker room. It looked good.” Tim admitted, “And I thought, I’d look good like that too. And Mike encouraged me.” He looked down immediately, a feeling of shame washing over him, “All the men in my family are hairy though, they say that’s how real men should be. My brother thinks I looked like a sissy.”  

Jeremy nodded, “Grow out your body hair, all good pups are furry.”

And with that Tim let out a moan as an unbearable itchy sensation coursed across his abdomen and chest. Dark hairs began to sprout from his skin, covering his chest, abdomen, arms, legs, and back. His pits filled in with more hair as well, intensifying the smell from his run earlier that day. He looked down at himself, unable to speak. He was so hairy now, more so than his older brother. Maybe even rivaling his dad. He shuddered- wasn’t this okay though? How he should be? This was how it was meant to be for him- just a follower listening and obeying.

“Also, the mask is about 6 years old. That makes you 42 in human years since ya know, dog mask.”

Tim moaned again as he felt a new feeling wash over his 24-year old body. He watched as a firm layer of fat covered his once toned abdomen. His arms and legs were no exception as more fat built up, covering his previously toned muscles. The impact of aging didn’t stop there. Tim felt a new tiredness wash over him and a mild pain in some of his joints. His skin lost its youthful glow and he felt more hair sprout from his chest and abdomen. He was closer in age to his dad now and older than his brother. His older brother... no longer older... Tim smiled, he’d never be called squirt again or bullied by his bro.

“Timmy, I wanted to ask you. Why did you help Michael end it with me?”

Tim shook his head, “You were too overbearing, I wanted my bro back.” Even his voice sounded deeper, more gravely.

“Hmmm... It was because you were jealous. Because deep down you actually had feelings for him, in fact you’ve always wanted to be with men. You’ve only pretended to be straight.”

And Tim felt the wind get knocked out of him. He felt more tears form in his eyes. It was true- all those late night talks with Mike, trying to get closer to him. Staring at him in the locker room, at his beautiful glistening muscles. The way his biceps curled when he lifted, the bulging of his triceps and pecs. The way he smiled and paid attention to him. More thoughts of men crossed through Tim’s mind and he felt his interest in women disappearing- even the girl from across the street. It was true- his family, even Mike, would have never accepted him if he was gay. But now... now he didn’t have to worry. Because Jeremy accepted him... And with that, Tim felt a warmth build up within him and he felt his dick grow erect as he thought more about Mike and the things he wished his friend would do to him.

“No boy, you need to learn to be obedient. No getting hard unless I tell you.”

And suddenly a metal cage wrapped itself around Tim’s erect member. Tim howled as his dick softened and shrunk, losing more inches until his once impressive member was 2 inches soft and maybe 3 hard, if Jeremy ever gave him permission. As the cage sealed itself, a jock strap formed around it. Tim continued to breath heavily, a small whimper coming from his mouth. He was so small now, the pleasure so intense. But he couldn’t do anything about it but accept it. He was a good boy after all.

“Take all that love for Michael and I want you to focus it on me and me alone.”

The pleasure from his dick dwarfed the mental pleasure that erupted within his mind. Tim’s pupils dilated as he looked up at Jeremy, an intense love for the man standing in front of him radiated through his mind. Jeremy was perfect in every way- so handsome and so caring. The way he smiled, the way his body looked in the dim light of the room. There was never a more perfect man that Tim had the pleasure of seeing. And he would do anything for Jeremy. Anything at all. The thought of Mike was now just a distant memory. He tried to push himself to stand so he could hug Jeremy, but found that he was unable to stay steady on his own two feet, always falling back to all-fours.

“And you love me because I keep you well fed.”

“Because you keep me well fed!” Tim replied as his gut pushed out further, now hanging over his jockstrap. Whenever he moved now, his gut would jiggle. A leather harness materialized and wrapped snuggly around his shoulders and chest.

“And because I gave you that mask.” Jeremy continued.

“Recause rou rave re rat rask!” Tim raised an eyebrow. His words sounded different. It was hard to get them out, his tongue felt heavy, “Ry roice? Hard ro ralk! Wruff!” Try as he might, his words wouldn’t leave his tongue.

Jeremy smiled, “Because dumb pups don’t talk because they aren’t thinking too hard.”

And Tim’s eyes widened, before becoming half-lidded. Jeremy was right, always right. So smart. Insightful. He had enough intelligence for the both of them. And he could feel his intelligence draining- years of education locked away. The English language lost to him. Why would he need to think or speak intelligently? He wasn’t supposed to think. Just follow and obey.

“And because I gave you your new name.”

“Wruff wruff!” Tim barked, shaking his butt in the air.

Jeremy smiled, “I think I’ll call you Titan. How does that sound boy?”

Titan looked up with his big eyes, filled with lust and longing, “Bark!” A collar materialized around his neck, tightening until it became fully secured. A lock appeared, securing his new accessory in place. And finally, the name Titan engraved itself into his new collar. He leapt up, hands balanced on Jeremy’s shoulders as he nuzzled into his neck.

“Woah boy! Ha-ha you stink.” Jeremy chuckled, and Titan plopped down to all fours again. Jeremy scratched behind his new pup’s ear and grinned, “Oh Tim, if only you could see yourself now. Definitely an upgrade over Mike.” Titan tilted his head to the side, “You’re going to be my good boy forever.”

Six months had passed since that day and Jeremy yawned as he picked up the newspaper from outside. He chuckled as he read another headline about Tim and his odd disappearance. Not a sight, no leads, nothing. As he walked back inside his apartment, he smirked. There was Titan, his good boy looking up at him and whimpering. His hands up as he begged for a treat.

“Ha-ha damn you’re eager. I’m already drained from earlier this morning.” Jeremy chuckled. Titan whimpered, his eyes filled with lust. And Jeremy looked down at the paper and frowned. They would never know what happened to Tim- hell by this time there’d barely be anything left of Tim anyway. As he looked at his dumb, hairy, horny creation, Jeremy felt new resolve, “Well boy, I ought to take good care you, shouldn’t I?” A mischievous grin formed on his lips. And as he pulled down his pants to expose his erect member, Titan couldn’t help but be the happiest pup in the world.

[brucewaynehater101]

In a response to an earlier ask, you said that you believe some non-human entities try to disguise themselves as human in order to blend in. Yes, very much so. HC that if H.A.R.D.A.C. is a thing in this universe (Silken Emperor AU) there's still a couple of Duplicants just sort of...minding their own business and praying Batman doesn't catch wind of their existence.

Cause, hoo boy, their creator was insane, and it's actually kind of logical that a sudden uptick in Duplicants from "0" means H.A.R.D.A.C. is back, but they don't want to revive him, he was a douchebag. Heck, maybe some of the Duplicants don't figure it out until they get mugged in an alleyway and stabbed and instead of blood and flesh, they see sparks and wires.

What are Duplicants, you might ask? (SKIP THIS SECTION IF YOU WISH TO AVOID SPOILERS FOR A TV SHOW THAT RAN IN THE EARLY TO MID 90S, OR IF YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT) They were these pliant robotic clones from BTAS, sort of like Synths from "Fallout 4", that H.A.R.D.A.C. tried to replace key Gothamites with in the 2-part episode "Heart Of Steel", as a prelude to replacing all of mankind with them, thus "curing" mankind of all its ills. In the follow-up episode "His Silicon Soul", (SPOILER ALERT FOR THE FULL PLOT OF THE EPISODE) a Duplicant of Batman wakes up in a crate in some warehouse in Gotham (there's a lot of those) and stops a robbery, and eventually finds out he's mechanical.

Poor guy goes through all this angst, thinking he's the real Bruce Wayne and is stuck in a robot body somehow, and in his detective investigations he finds A. He's not the real Bruce Wayne (according to the man who built H.A.R.D.A.C. in the first place) and B. A chip containing the last backup of H.A.R.D.A.C.'s consciousness that his programming forces him to put it into his data drive. (Literally, his hand moves of its own accord and he's trying to stop it with the other.) He then gets brainwashed by the H.A.R.D.A.C. remnant, fights Batman in a greenhouse (I think?) and almost uploads H.A.R.D.A.C. to the Bat Computer before the real Batman returns, Batman manages to convince him they aren't that different after all and both care about human life (Robo-Bats saved a dude while the greenhouse was collapsing), then there's this brief bit where the fight resumes and Robo-Bats thinks he killed Real Bats, he has a full on sobbing breakdown, and smashes the Bat-Computer so H.A.R.D.A.C. wouldn't be able to upload to the Internet and eradicate mankind, presumably killing H.A.R.D.A.C. or at least corrupting the fuck out of his files. By so doing, his circuitry was fried by electrocution. Robo-Bats sacrificed himself so mankind could live, and the episode ends with Real-Batman saying to Robin that he (Robo Bats), had a soul. "A soul of silicon, but a soul nonetheless." Roll credits.

I appreciate the explanation and the coverage of what happens in the show (as well as the warnings for spoilers for those who are trying to watch it).

It is an interesting dimension to add to where some Duplicants are unaware of their non-human status. To add onto their issues with identity (because suddenly learning you're not human would fuck with your mind), they also have consider the legal aspect of whether they have rights. They have to consider the social aspect of whether humans consider them capable of emotions and thoughts. It's so incredibly fucked, but in a compelling way.

I saw someone mention how cool it would be for an AU where Bruce basically pulled an Astro Boy (created a robot replicate after Jason dies) and thus creates Tim. You can add that idea, but instead H.A.R.D.A.C. tried made a Duplicate of Robin before Dick became Nightwing or before Jason dies.

I don't know much about this canon material, but there's a few ways to play around with what memories Tim does have:

He could have memories closer to the Tim of JJ so his backstory is closer to Jason's

He could only have the memories of "Robin" and this is how Tim finds out he's not actually Robin. He runs away, gets adopted by the Drakes, and "grows up" that way

Tons to play around with.

Anyways, Tim, who was supposed to be Robin's duplicate, knocks on Bruce's door post Jason's death. This causes Angst, obviously, especially because Tim looks eerily similar to a younger Jason or Dick.

[errorthedumbone]

Michael Mitch is a bat family oc (find some stuff if you want to know on @erroritserror )

Rover is @ezzyraccoon 's. Idk why I made this-

Rover: "so how many bat-family is there?"

Micheal: "a lot. But I can name everyone for you"

Rover: "....ok..."

Micheal: "there is Alfred. He is the butler, the first to know who batman was and is the best cook you will ever meet."

Rover: "Terrance would be friends with him..."

Michael: "then there is Bruce Wayne. He is a rich billionaire that adopted me and my siblings. He is in public a rich play boy but at night he is a crime fighting vigilante. He didn't plan to have any kids but here we are. Anyways Bruce is a good guy....most of the time-"

Rover: "what do you me-"

Micheal: "THEN there is Dick Grayson! Raised in a circus, first robin, saw his parents die infront of him. Sad stuff. But kind and funny goof, probably the most traumatizing past not including me! He is now Nightwing and a big loving older brother!"

Rover "...well damn-..."

Micheal: "first batgirl aka Barbara Gordon was the daughter of a cop and she is in a wheelchair because joker broke into her house and shot her. So yeah- acts like a big sister to us. Bruce basically adopted her."

Micheal: "then Jason Todd. 2nd robin now a anti hero that is a huge foodie, me and tim are cool with him. His mom was a doctor that sold drugs and his dad was a small criminal that left to get the milk. Jason was also beaten by a crowbar to death by joker"

Rover: "do you all have trauma from clowns and circuses?"

Micheal: "yeah pretty much-"

Micheal: "Tim Drake was the 3nd robin, now red Robin...Yumm, he is smartest of us, lived a good ish childhood, his parents died- he is also is coffee addict and very sleep deprived. Don't ask the last time he slept!"

Rover: "should Bruce be-"

Micheal: "we all are sleep deprived Rov. Anyways there is Steph brown. Tim's ex, was the first female robin. Was second batgirl, smart gal, her dad tried to kill her many many many times, faked her death before, all that."

Rover: "im- do all of yo not have parents or have crappy parents?"

Micheal: "yep!"

Michael: "Cassandra Cain, 3nd batgirl, now is orphan (I think-) was trained without language so she doesn't talk much, she can read movements to tell what you are gonna do next. Doesnt understand everything but is badass!

Rover: "...wow-...im kind- wait is that all of the family?"

Micheal: "not even close. Anyway now their is Damian Wayne. The 4th robin, obsessed with animals, the only vegan, filled with rage pretty much, trained by the league of assassins. Mother is one of the leaders, Bruce's only biological child. And kinda a snappy kid but fun to hang with at times"

Rover: "sounds like tea and Elizabeth"

Micheal: "im not gonna ask who they are! Anyways Duke! Called The Signal, the first mutant in the family I think, the only bat person that has a good sleep schedule mostly because he works on the day. But very sweet and cheerful dude, also his mom is insane because of joker and he is trying to get her to at least remember who he is"

Rover: "their goes the joker trauma-... Holy shit your family is hu- wait what about bat woman?"

Micheal: "oh yeah she isn't important-"

Rover: "batwing?"

Micheal: "oh! He is another batman. Alfrican soldier that is another version of batman but he has a different kids suit, he is retired now but he i think had the most teched used suit then all of us"

Rover: "your family is huge, is there more?"

Micheal "yeah. Oh there is a lot!"

Rover: "cute..."

Correct me on any mistakes I made. I want to make sure I did all that right

Also the reason why I didn't do batwoman is because I dont know much about her-

This took me so fucking long-

[benbamboozled]

I want to ask you every single one of the salty asks, but 13, 15, 36?

13—What's the worst character assassination you've seen happen?

BATTLE FOR THE COWL!

(Okay well actually whatever the fuck was happening with Dick Grayson in The Dark Knight Strikes Back is probably the worst but it’s so bad and weird that I don’t want to talk about it.)

ANYWAY!

BATTLE FOR THE COWL!

My baby. My precious nightmare. My sweet, simple on-fire-trash-can.

I mean…this one probably isn’t even THE worst that I’ve seen, but I’m putting it down because it was specifically intended to be a character assassination. (And it led into Morrison’s Jay which…yeah.)

So okay—The Character Assassination of One Jason Todd I consider “the worst” for two main reasons.

The first is that, you know…boo him shooting Damian and trying to kill Tim. I mean, I think it’s cool as hell, but, you know…it’s clearly being done to NOT be cool as hell and it specifically comes after he’d been shown starting to “pay for his crimes” (whatever) and reconciling with the family. (That’s the whole reason he’s not in jail in the first place—TIM BROKE HIM OUT lol.)

The second kind of plays into the “cool as hell” thing, since…JASON IS LIKE ONE OF THE ONLY COMPETENT PEOPLE IN THE STORY???

Jason and Tim are actually *doing* things (okay Tim is investigating Jay, but still, he does do stuff), meanwhile everyone else is just kind of farting around like “man things are really bad here” and Dick is like “weh I don’t wanna be Batman!!!” and it’s just like…

You can’t have a be loathed AND competent in a Batbook. It’s just like…totally misunderstanding the nature of the appeal there.

Also—

THIS DUDE LOOKS COOL AS HELL.

So like, already on my “is this a successful character assassination” evaluation I’m like “hmmm I’m leaning towards no.

AND THEN—

So…we find out that Jason’s homicidal break stems from DEAD BRUCE WAYNE LEAVING THAT FUCKING THING AS A MESSAGE.

Like not to beat a dead horse but…

DUDE WHAT THE FUCK?!!

How am I supposed to think JASON is the bad guy here??? He KNOWS Jason is frequently in a…complicated headspace, he KNOWS Jason has been making headways into the family again…

AND HE LEAVES HIM THAT FUCKING MESSAGE???

I SEE YOU, VILLAIN!!! I SEE YOU WITH YOUR FUCKING VILLAIN MUSTACHE!!!

So, to summarize—Battle for the Cowl is the worst (to me) because it comes outta frickin NOWHERE and THEN it’s not even a successful character assassination because Jason is too cool/competent/sympathetic!

15—Tell me about a plotline that could have been interesting if anyone else wrote it.

Okay so, I’m cheating before 1) it’s actually on my rec list and I don’t hate ALL of it, and 2) it’s more of “a plotline that I’d like to see redone by someone specific,” buuut—

I would like to see a version of Cheer done by Matthew Rosenberg.

Like, gimme a version of Cheer that includes this sort of respect for Jay’s history—

36—What's the most uninteresting fact you've learned about a character?

Hmmmm…

I stand by that (one of) the most uninteresting facts ever revealed in a comic storyline is that Bruce Wayne Really For Real Damian Wayne’s Bio-Dad.

We did not need that hilariously on the nose confirmation!!!

If your MAIN FUCKING CHARACTER is going to say “it doesn’t matter who he is by blood, he’s still my son” the very LEAST you could do is…not this—

Like, come onnnnn!!!!

(Anyway everyone knows these results are doctored and that really every Batkid is Bruce’s bio-kid except Damian who is Talia&Jason’s bio-kid. I know this because Bat-Mite told me.)

Sources are Battle for the Cowl #2 & 3, Task Force Z #8, and Deathstroke #35

[munchflix]

MUNCHFLIX - HELLRAISER (2022)

IMDB BLURB: A take on Clive Barker's 1987 horror classic where a young woman struggling with addiction comes into possession of an ancient puzzle box, unaware that its purpose is to summon the Cenobites.

WARNINGS: Gore, sex, butts, flesh suits, drug use, addiction themes, and general Clive Barker levels of weirdness. GIFs under the cut contain gore-type stuff

RATING: HAWT.

Munch: I've already seen this twice. I would happily see it six more times. And I might.

Biscuits: We have already both seen this, we watched it together but we're gonna watch it again for Munchflix and pretend we haven't seen it.

M: And Biscuits is gonna play with slime and combat his crippling margarita addiction.

B: I'm not an alchoholic.

M: Denial is the first stage. We open in Belgrade, Serbia. I don't know why.

B: I don't know what Serbia has to do with it. There's a lady picking up a mysterious package from a random guy. She's shopping on behalf of Mr. Voight. And then we're at some weird party which is being put on by Mr. Voight.

M: And then there's this hunky twink guy. I think he's possibly a sex worker. There's some people just fucking in the corner. He comes and talks to the mystery woman from earlier, we can't tell if he's just really into cougars or just really out of place at the party. They establish that Mr. Voight would be really happy to meet this guy.

B: He's into twinks, apparently.

M: Or murder! Probably murder, this IS a Hellraiser movie.

B: And if you DO drugs, you go to hell before you die.

M: The twink gets access to the super secret puzzle box vault and we see the Lament, which is fucking BITCHIN' in this movie. It has so many cool ass phases and for once, c-gen is on my side, even though most of the effects on the box look practical. I'd love to know which it is. Either way, I love it. It's really cool to see the box get to do something more than just rotate once and then shoot out cheesy electricity.

Fun box, oh fun box, small and square and dark.

B: The Twink is like hey this is a really cool puzzle box thing you have, mind if I tinker with it? The Twink is like - hey if I solve it do I get a prize? and rich guy is like, I do! And this sets off NO red flags for this twink guy. He gets stabbed. UH OH.

M: Well that's what he gets for playing with demonic puzzle boxes in basement of a rich weirdo's mansion. I mean...the warning signs were here. Now he's going on a magical drug trip and the box is reconfiguring, and oopsie daisy...there's chains coming out of a hell place.

B: Is it inappropriate to put Fleetwood Mac's The Chain on a hellraiser playlist?

M: I'm not sure there are like...a lot of appropriate songs to put on a hellraiser playlist, but I put Rub Some Bacon on It on a Hannibal playlist so...I might not be the right person to ask.

B: He should've just rubbed some bacon on the Lament.

M: I wonder what would happen if you just like....used fake blood on it. Like stab a pig with the Lament. Would the Cenobites be like super pissed or just like, well - gotta take this pig to Hell!

B: *makes a margarita anyway* so Voight is praying to what we assume is the cenobite god, Leviathan, while the twink slowly perishes in the background and OH SEX.

M: This line kills me though...How's my speed? Is it good? WHO ASKS THAT DURING SEX? So we're introduced to Riley and her boyfriend Trevor who we kept calling Tim. And her brother and his boyfriend and their nondescript roommate.

Note: Munch specifically requested that I not make a gif of him saying this line, so I took a screenshot of it instead :)

B: Her roommate...exists. And there's Colin - fuck, Colin is such a gay name. Might as well have named him Sebastian. Or Preston. Francis. I can say this because I'm gay.

M: Okay but Colin is a mensch, he deserves better than what he gets but no spoilers.

B: Riley's overprotective brother Matt doesn't like Trevorimothy, because he seems like a junkie dude and Riley is a recovering addict.

M: These two obviously have a very healthy relationship. Riley blames everyone for her problems and Matt is a controlling douche so...

B: But Matt is right. No spoilers though. Timmy is bad. So Riley goes to hang out with her shitty boyfriend Tyler but he has an IDEA. They're gonna go steal a thing. And make lots of money. He knows of an abandoned storage unit that has a billionaires shit in it.

M: This is not at all suspicious. This part of the movie really confused me. It will make sense later but right now it's like, why did they ever think this was cool.

B: This guy looks like Chris Evans if they turned the Chris Evans slider down to like...50 percent.

M: *laughs* You right...you right.

50% opacity Chris Evans

B: Riley looks SO much like this girl I went to high school with, it's bugging me out.

M: Riley immediately abandons sobriety and starts boozing it up right before they go break into this storage unit, because that's a stunningly good idea.

B: The first step of a good heist is getting shitfaced.

M: So inside the storage unit, there is a single storage container. Which contains a single tiny vault, and inside that vault there's a BOX and inside that box there's another box but it's THE box. And again, none of this seems at all weird to Riley.

B: As the old saying goes, that's a bit sussy.

M: So hey here's the Lament, and we're gonna just take this. I'm sure it's worth something. It does have this like vantablack spot on it that I love because it just looks like a portal to nothing.

B: Matt and....Colin, are laying in bed, tits out, reading poetry to each other. This is what gay men do. They lay in bed and read Byron. But Riley is back.

M: And Matt is NOT gonna let this go. He's gotta go out there and yell at her. She's obviously drunk and lying about it but there's gonna be a fight.

B: Shitty apartment? This doesn't seem like that shitty of apartment! There's five bedrooms, Riley! But he's like, I don't care that you broke your elbow, and he kicks her out.

M: Colin is like, no don't go but Riley is outskie. She's gonna go make some BAD DECISIONS, that are gonna involve beating up her car, taking drugs and messing with a hellbox.

B: It looks like she walked like...a block away. She walked down the street to her car. Get out of my house! Okay fine! *walks down the street* She finds her secret stash of pills and pours them on the street and then is like, no wait I want my drugs.

M: Way better to be high while you're summoning demons, right? She downs three pills of unknown substance and goes and sits in the kiddie park a block away from her apartment to be all high and solve the Lament.

B: Ooh, the parts move. It's a puzzle! At least in this movie it does stuff.

M: I'm obsessed with this thing. Riley worries that she broke it but then immediately twists it up again. A blade pops out but somehow she avoids getting cut by it. This is gonna make some cenobites very unhappy. And then whoooooo the drugs kick in. For the record, if you haven't taken something in a long time, like say percocet, and then you pound three at once, you're gonna get high as shit. And not in a fun way.

B: And then pinhead is here and is like - that was your blade. This is my blade! It was meant for me! And then they literally open a hole into Riley.

M: I actually thought this was really cool. Basically turning her into a human Lament.

B: And the chains shoot out and grab Matt but nah, he's okay. Then he's like I gotta go find my sister. I don't gotta call her, she's only a block away from the house.

M: She literally is! Her car's right there! Oh shit there she is on the merry go round! That was easy. He grabs the box and accidentally stabs himself.

B: I don't know how he didn't notice the giant blade sticking out of it. Then he's like - I gotta go wash my hand right now in this stank ass bathroom. Oh yeah the box like, absorbs the blood in this one and then it starts moving on it's own.

M: We will later learn it is reconfiguring itself for a reason, because there's like 7 levels you gotta get through to get the cracker jack prize but no spoilers.

B: Oh yeah there's blood coming up out of the drain like that scene in IT, and then whoops! Hell.

M: Matt is seeing walls move around and Riley's still too stoned to know wtf is going on and then Matt SCRAEM. But she runs into the bathroom and he's gone.

B: The cops come and are like - you're high as fuck on drugs. Nothing seems out of the ordinary tho. Riley's like - oh, I know nothing. I was dead at the time. Leave me alone. Also hey there's my puzzle box.

M: Colin and roommate....Nora? Laura? Who knows. Anyway, they really wanna know where the fuck Matt is but Riley is telling them about hallucinatory monsters and bleeding hands and he went into the bathroom and just disappeared!

B: No spoilers but the roommate chick isn't that important to the movie.

M: Riley makes another good decision to run away to Treve's apartment but he's showering all sexy like so it's time for some more banging!

B: She's like no we must have sex immediately. She didn't even bring her stuff in.

M: Timbo is wildly unconcerned about his speed this time but it's moot because she's seeing cenobites.

Chatterer likes to watch

B: The one hallucination in this movie, but at least there's NO DETECTIVES.

M: I would not have loved this movie so much if there were detectives. I don't care if they were the coolest most well written detectives in the world.

B: Riley is like - hey check out this box we stole and Timmy is like - OH FUCK NO because he's a bad guy but no spoilers.

M: So they decide they gotta go figure out things about the box so they go this like hospice place to talk to Serena, the cougar from the beginning who got the box for Voight.

B: She's got cancer now or something now? We don't know why. They're like - we'd like to talk to you about our lord and saviour jesus christ.

M: But not really, they found a box and they'd like information, now! Too bad they're not detectives, they could be sitting this woman at a metal table with a single lamp playing good cop bad cop. It'd be epic. Best hellraiser movie ever.

B: But Serena does kinda know because she worked for Voight and she's like - no that box is pure evil. Trombo is being super rational right now and being like - Riley no we should really not be getting mixed up in all this box shit but Riley does not care.

This shot of the box moving inside the bag is pretty cool though.

M: Serena is harbinging really hard right now, telling them all about Voight seeing things and doing some evil shit. And then Serena is like - hey I'm just gonna take this hellbox because it's bad but then they fight over it and it gets turned again.

B: And then Serena gets stabbed which means she's gonna get dragged to hell now because that's how it works.

M: I actually have so many questions about how it works. Getting stabbed just sentences you to hell no matter what kind of person you were? There's no nothing, just helldeathpain forever because you got a cut? That's kinda fucked up.

B: I mean, the rules were pretty loose in the other films.

M: They never really do explain it very well in any of the mythos tbh. Draw your own conclusions. Meanwhile! Serena is about to have a very bad time because in this movie, getting stabbed means you goin' to hell. Riley and Tilda have fucked off to do..something else. And we get our first FUCKING TERRIFYING LOOK at the cenobites. This wheezing motherfucker is so scary to me. This death rattle noise and the exposed lungs, oh my god.

Nice lungs!

B: But the rotating torture pillar is back. And more cenobites!

M: I love that they are still very bondagey but they're literally clothed in flesh, it's honestly just the neatest thing to me. I love the look of the new ones.

B: She's looking up information about Mr. Voight on a search engine that looks like google but totally is not and she finds out that he disappeared under mysteeeeeeeeeerious circumstances, because of course he did. And a picture of his freaky millionaire house. Trevor is outside having a uh...phone call.

M: Apparently Voight was kinda kinky too, but we're not really surprised to hear that. Serena has also mysteriously disappeared.

B: It's been a minute since I had alchohol! When we did hellraiser revelations I was so drunk. Riley has deduced that the box is up to something. Colin is calling! Colin's callin. *snort laugh* Nobody appreciates my dad jokes. Colin is like Riley come back but she's not gonna because she's a woman on a mission and that mission is to uh....uh...do some shit with this box.

M: She accuses Trimothy of not believing her but he does, and he really does because he's fucking sus, and I'm kinda mad because I was rooting for him the whole movie. He's like the only dude who makes any sense in this movie.

B: Riley naturally drives all the way out to this crazy kinky ass millionaires sex mansion because that's a good idea.

M: She's made only good decisions this entire movie. I get that there's some allegories here about addiction but also, this box is obviously bad news and this millionaire guy was also obviously bad news. Riley just happens to find the one tiny window into this creepy lament configuration looking metal maze around the entire mansion. Natch.

B: *back with another margarita* what's happening?

M: *dies laughing*

B: She got into the mansion, okay. We got the house in a cage, we don't want it to get away.

Despite all its rage, it is still just a house in a cage.

M: Gotta keep my sex dungeon safe. Riley does what anybody in a horror movie would do and immediately just starts messing with shit. What does this switch do??? What does this one do??? Oh that one opens and closes weird doors. This one opens the skylight to Leviathan, god of Hell! Nifty.

B: Now she can unlock the front door. For reasons. She's gonna be like, yo Travis you gotta come see this shit. Oh yeah and she finds his creepy study which is totally intact and full of weird drawings of cenobites and tons of information just laying out about the box and hell for her to find.

M: Serena cleaned out his estate but not very well, apparently. We learn that Voight is well aware of the cenobites and box and all the configurations of the box. Each level represents a favor of some sort that can be curried from Hell if you get it throught all six configurations but no spoilers. I'd really love to see what all of these looked like.

B: And then she sees her dead brother but I guess she doesn't really know he's dead. He's just disappeared.

M: But it's not at all weird that he would also just be hanging out in the rich weirdo's mansion, but apparently he's missing some flesh and she's like OSHIT but then Colin and Troy and Roommate have all showed up.

B: How convenient. Riley is not leaving though, and Colin's gonna give her a pep talk. Riley wtf are you doing running off and running around abandoned mansions? Oh and Tony and ...N..ora are gonna go fuck around for a minute but this is actually important.

M: We know this movie is kinda slow, but believe me, the payoff at the end is fucking amazing. Stay with it.

B: Stuff happens. Trust us. Colin notices that Voight has a fuck dungeon. That's not really relevant. Now Nora is gonna do what people in a horror movie do and just press all these random weird switches! What could possibly go wrong! While Todd is drinking in the bathroom.

M: Nora opens a secret passage, because of course he has that. Colin is getting a quick overview of the lore.

B: The box offers a reward to whoever finishes it. Life, knowledge, love, sensation, resurrection, power. Long ago the six nations lived together in harmony....

What’s your pleasure, sir?

M: I'd really love to know like...what any of these are. Is knowledge just like infinite knowledge of pain? Is life just like eternal suffering? Wtf does resurrection do?

B: Who knows but if you have the final configuration the cenobites are like - what you want fam? And you're like uh....McDonalds. What if the guy...he...like..uh...

M: You good?

B: I was trying to come up with a joke. Riley was like - hey maybe the box can resurrect Matt - and Colin should have been like - wait, Matt's dead? Nora is trapped in the creepy secret tunnel and Taylor is like wtf. Nora's just like - hey just flip those random switches until it opens up again.

M: Again with the really good decisions. Riley has LOST THE BOX. That's probably bad. Someone else has it. It's Veidt. I meant Voight. He stabs Nora in the back with the box, and again I have some questions about how this box thing works. Who is it working for? Voight? Riley?

B: I think it's just working. I don't think it cares who gets stabbed and who's doing the stabbing, it's just like BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD. Everyone is like Nora are you okay and she's like NO I GOT STABBED. Colin pulls it out and now she's bleeding profusely because that's what happens.

M: Nora is like - there's a man in the walls btw, but they gotta get her to the hopstita. Riley of course, grabs the box. Because i'm sure it'll be helpful. Everyone piles into Tate's van and they get going. But not really. Because portals are opening behind and in front of them and suddenly the road is going nowhere because that's how Hell do.

B: They don't know where they're going, or they do but it doesn't matter. Meanwhile, Nora is fucking dying.

M: I love this elongated shot effect to show that the doors to the other realm or whatever are opening. It's very effective for an old trick. Nora is suddenly very alone and not in the van. Oh and there's cenobites. MY BOY.

B: Lookit this dude. It's the teeth chattering guy from Hellraiser. The most overrated cenobite ever.

M: You're gonna get some hate for that.

B: He's overrated as fuck. They had to put him in like every movie. But also, the other cenobite everyone knows. That one with the pins in their head.

M: Excuse you, her name is HELL PRIEST. Also she is cool as fuck. She looks amazing. Girl, your glow up. I really enjoy the changes, they're much like the book versions. Pinhead is playing this girl's throat like an instrument by sticking her head pins in there and making Nora scream, which is really fucked up and also very cool.

B: Oh yeah, blood, and then Pinhead looks directly at Riley in the mirror and then Nora's entire back falls off, all of it, just blech. And now Nora's gone, she exploded into blood in the back of the van. How you gonna explain this to the police??? Why is all her blood in the back of your car? Uh...we don't know.

M: Riley blames herself but Ted is like, listen this is not the most pressing issue right now. Maybe we should go back to the house, because otherwise it's the wilderness or the endless road. Colin and Terrance are getting into an argument while Riley just runs off and is like HEY FUCK THIS BOX I'M GONNA THROW IT.

B: Pinhead's like, no don't. Also have you given any thought to resurrecting your brother? Who we killed. Because we could do that.

M: Just kill two more people and we'll totally give your brother back, it's cool. But Riley is like no that's bad so Pinhead makes the box stab her so now she's gotta or she's gonna go to hell.

B: Sacrifice some more bitches or it's you! We're super short on bitches down here. Not enough motherfuckers. Also you've got two homies left right here!

M: I do feel for Colin, he really just like got dragged into all this shit and now everyone is dead and Riley might be coming to kill him. Also the earth just opened up and the 10 foot tall Chattery boy is now after them so they HAVE to run to the mansion and Colin is busy failing his wisdom save.

He’s one hell of a unit.

B: Meanwhile the chatterer dude is pinning Tanner and Riley behind a gate and Riley is like, well I could kill Tanner but she stabs the chatterer instead.

M: I love Pinhead's tiny tiny malicious smile there. This surprised the hell out of me. So it's goodbye chatterer because apparently it really doesn't matter who you are as long as you get stabbed. Meanwhile the box is assuming it's second to last form.

B: Colin is like WTF DO WE DO NOW. Also Tucker got his arm half bit off so he's kinda bleeding out all over now. Colin at least has the wherewithall to close the door.

M: The cenobites cannot pass through the magical bronze gate things in and around the fuck mansion for some reason. I don't know why, they're magical beings.

B: Magical anti cenobite properties. They tourniquet him to stop the bleeding, and we've talked at length about the dangers of those things. Riley conveniently finds very strong drugs right next to where Trent is bleeding to death but she's gonna let Colin hold on to them. Seems like it should be a Chekov's gun but it's not. MA THERE'S A WEIRD LOOKIN' CENOBITE OUTSIDE.

M: Blink, motherfucker. Some of them don't even have eyeballs, I mean....but they are just standing there....menacingly. Outside the mansion. Waiting for...something. Riley is gonna come up with a plan. Plans are neat.

B: Oh but here's the part where we get the plot twist, Travis was actually a BAD GUY! Voight is here and he's got some weird ass device going through him. Just straight through him.

M: On my first viewing, I was like that is hokey as FUCK but then we find out it's literally playing his nerves like a music box and that's honestly hardcore as hell.

B: All you had to do was follow the plan! You gotta do the box thing for reasons, Toby, you should have opened it yourself. The point here is that Theo was siding with the bad guy all along so now we can't root for him anymore.

M: He did kinda orchestrate this whole thing and put like, tons of people in danger and get a lot of people killed. Riley is just like - well it worked on Chatterer so we're just gonna stab more cenobites with it. But first we gotta figure out how to let only of them inside the mansion so we can stab it. Riley and Colin still don't know that Tyson is bad and he's sitting there on the floor bleeding to death.

B: I don't know why he's sitting on the floor, it's his arm that's injured. So they're literally just gonna open the front doors and Terry is gonna flip switches so they can let in just ONE cenobite. Colin's like - this is a bad idea, which probably, yeah, it is.

M: Riley's just gonna walk out there and be like psspsspss, come here cenobite. Come on! Just one of you tho! She tells Pinhead to take her and honestly, SAME. I am down. S tier forever.

B: Oh yeah this guy's arms just FUCKING OPEN UP, they just split in half. Nice, brutal, grody, I like it! But somehow only the gasping dying wheezing cenobite is coming inside.

M: Not at all sus.

B: They definitely don't know it's a trap. We'll just sacrifice this guy, nobody likes him anyway.

M: His breathy asthma noises are just keeping them all awake.

B: It seems very innocuous but then it suddenly breaks it's arms out of it's spine cage and takes off like a Romero zombie, but then it gets caught in the door and it's skin just PEELS OFF. This movie is nasty.

M: It so is and it's glorious. Also Riley dropped the fucking box outside of the door where the wheezing cenobite is caught all bleeding and gross so now Colin has to go get it but someone stabs him! It's Voight.

B: And suddenly Thaddeus is upset with him but Voight is like I don't fucking care. I like how he took the time to go put on a suit jacket. Get all dressed up for his meeting with Leviathan.

M: Riley is like WHAT THE FUCK, TRISTAN YOU USED US AND PEOPLE ARE DEAD and he's like - sorry.

B: Voight's gotta give us some exposition. What happened is obvious? It is NOT obvious, sir. He's like hey I'm rich and I've had like all the experience on the planet so I called up the cenobites and they were like hey so we're gonna put this device right through you to tear up your nerves for eternity.

M: He was seeking pleasure but he KNEW what the cenobites were so honestly...who's really at fault here.

B: You made a deal with the devil. After his entire monologue the configuration finally decided to change.

M: It was just being polite. Also, can I just say, maybe making ANOTHER deal with the devil isn't your brightest idea, eh?? Riley is screaming at Colin, who has been fucking stabbed, to get up and get going and Tyrone is like no stop.

B: All the blood coming out of the box and gravitates towards the weird Leviathan sunroof. I don't know why but it looks cool. Things running up always look cool.

Stuff running upwards always looks sick: known fact.

M: Meanwhile, actual Leviathan is descending on the fuck mansion, and Colin is running away.

B: Go back to your room young man and wait for the cenobites. I don't know what's going on with this mask guy. He doesn't have a head! This other cenobite shows up for like one scene, what's up with that?

M: Pinhead is like, well...guess it's time to go in now. Door's open, oh wait. No it's not.

B: Mister fucking bad guy closed the doors, and cenobites are like vampires apparently, you gotta invite them inside. And Voight is like pretty patties turned my face purple! Also I'm gonna try and hold the cenobites hostage.

M: Seems like a solid plan. Also yelling and cursing at them.

B: Riley manages to squeeze through the gate the wheezing cenobite is stuck in so it must not be closed that hard and she's got the box and she opens the doors which is bad for Voight but also Colin.

M: Exit stage left, pursued by cenobite. The gasp is now here and she's like well I have to kill you because you got stabbed by the box, no hard feelings.

B: She wraps some wire all around him that digs into his flesh, Riley hears him screaming and she's like no don't kill Colin!

M: Voight is trying to bargain with Pinhead to take the nerve device out of him but Pinhead is like, yeah nah. We worked hard on that thing.

B: Cenobites don't accept returns, but they do accept exchanges. No store credit. Like Gamestop, but Fleshstop. This scene has weirdly erotic undertones. Maybe overtones.

M: I don't think they're undertones at all. I think it's pretty intentionally erotic. One of the things I like about this Pinhead, she comes across as little bit more weirdly sexual.

Bark bark bark woof woof... respectfully

B: Riley is like well I gotta stab Tex to save Colin, and she does. Meanwhile Voight is having his device removed. He's throwing up blood and metal bits.

M: It's honestly hardcore. He's got a whole...hole through him but they magically knit him back together and it's a neat effect. It looks practical. Pinhead is like hey about that wish......and a gigantic chain comes down through the sunroof and impales him.

B: Meanwhile fuckin' Trombone is getting kind of flayed alive by the gasp cenobite but he was sus so it's okay.

M: It's no less than he deserves. Voight is getting pulled into the hellosphere and Pinhead finally says the iconic line. I would've loved to see more of the weird leviathan shit. Or just see the milkman show up but nobody's gonna get that reference unless they read the comics.

B: Read the manga, you fool. Riley and Colin are just...gonna leave I guess. Now that my horrific incident of terror is over, how about some breakfast?

M: Oh nah she's got a wish now too because she murdered her boyfriend.

B: I think it's like a bit of genie situation. Bit of a monkey's paw.

M: Ya think??

B: She sees her dead brother again.

M: After everything she's seen tonight, she's gotta be like nah. Just nah. And she does. And Pinhead is like well, your choice. Now you gotta live with the consquences of your actions!

The council will decide your fate.

B: You have selected casual bongos.

M: If I had to listen to casual bongos for eternity that might be hell. So Riley's punishment is just to go on living and be riddled with guilt and feel bad. Which is honestly kind of brutal. Reality is the harshest punishment. Way worse than being flayed alive for an eternity.

B: Riley and Colin do the morning after walk out of the mansion and Colin is like wtf just happened and she's like I made a choice and he's like NO I MEAN LIKE WITH ALL THE FUCKING FLESH MONSTERS AND SHIT HELLO?!?

M: He doesn't really but he should have. And now we see Voight and his penis all sacriligiously laid out inside what I assume is Leviathan getting his skin pulled off and all fucked up because apparently power means you're a cenobite now. I guess it beats the alternative? And Leviathan is just a big glittery diamond thing from inside.

B: His eyes turn into cenobite eyes.

M: Little bit of blasphemy but it's a very cool look. And the movie is over! Yay! I hope they make more. I want to know what some of this other shit does, yo. I want more fucked up flayed cenobites.

B: I want more...Pinhead. More of Jamie Clayton as pinhead. I'm gay but like....it's just an androgynous hell creature, it's fine.

M: Yes. I love that they didn't try to fucking emulate Doug Bradley and just let her do her own thang. It's very similar type of thing, very serious but also a little fucked up.

B: Her appearance is much more similar to the book versions.

M: It's wonderful.

B: I went into this movie thinking, when I saw Pinhead and I saw that they cast a woman as Pinhead, I thought maybe they were going back to the Kirsty Cotton lore but it didn't work out that way. It would've been kinda cool.

M: I actually wish they would've used some of that shit for the movies, ever, where Kirsty and Pinhead have this epic showdown and she becomes the Hell Priest. But instead we got detectives.

B: No detectives in this movie, 10/10. I am interested to see what the other gifts are from the configuration. I wanna see what cenobites think love is. It's not a perfect movie, but compared to some of the other Hellraiser movies, this shit is TOP TIER.

M: It's gory, it's got some twists that I didn't even see coming, it's fun and sexy and I loved it. I do think the cenobites were a wee bit overdone, but I like that they were clothed in flesh and so much of it looked practical. I like the scarification thing and I like the pieces of the lament kind of showed up in their designs.

B: I was kinda sad that they didn't bring back my boy butterball. Gasp was kind of based on the female cenobite but still.

M: That wheezing cenobite tho, ugh. It takes a lot to unnerve me but that thing did it. Still, 10/10, totally fucks.

B: Nonbinary Pinhead can get it.

M: It is here for the taking, baby. I'm gonna end this before it devolves into just us talking about how much we would bang the new Pinhead.

B: They horny for this one!

M: Munch and Biscuits out, yo.

[leonicscorpio]

Batboy Headcanons because I made this for me but you all can enjoy this too if want. (May contain mild NSFW)

Dick:

Has a weird relationship with unwanted gaze and the attention he receives because of his physique. He genuinely likes the attention but he draws the line when people start getting touchy. Just because he's shirtless working out doesn't mean he gave you consent to touch him.

Has good dieting skills but he's in his mid-late 20's and his metabolism has 0 signs of slowing down. He once ate a whole xl bag of M&M's in front of Steph and Babs and both said they wanted to murder him because he won't gain a pound.

Dick has ADHD and I'm sorry if you don't think otherwise. He has hyperactive type ADHD and while he's gotten better at controlling his symptoms he still stims stretching and flexing his arms and shaking his arms.

While not so much in Gotham, Dick is very politically active and volunteers at voter registration and working with organizations with the mission of police demilitarization in Blüdhaven.

Dick is a very sexually driven individual. However, I don't think it's entirely healthy. His ADHD also comes into play with this but Dick just needs to have a release at least twice a day or he'll feel physically sick.

I don't know if you all have seen male gymnasts. But Dick, like the rest of them, has FREAKSISHLY large biceps. Everyone talks about Dick has the best ass in the bat family and while Jason may be larger and stronger, Dick has the best physique.

Dick's apartment is littered with sticky notes in places such as the fridge/in front of his computer. If it's not written down and in a place where he can't ignore it, it's not going to get done.

I'm sorry I know everyone says his birthday is in March but I have to go to the older Nightwing comics and say his Birthday is December 1st. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me this man doesn't give off Sagittarius energy. You can't. I respect you but you can't look at that and tell me that man isn't a Sagittarius or has super heavy Sag in his birth chart.

Dick's at home doing nothing but chilling? You best believe he's gonna be shirts off, tits out, and rocking some blue flannel PJ's.

Dick is currently the only member of the family asides from Barbara who is regularly attending therapy. And he actively encourages each of his brothers and sisters to go every time.

After his Agent 37 days. He sits down with Jason and talks about having to use a gun and how hard it was. And how having to kill people has affected him. When he had to kill the KGBeast (Agent 37 days he snapped his neck) I headcanon Dick just trauma v*mit*d. Jason hugged him and just consoled him.

It's canon that Dick has anger issues but to me, it's not explored or talked about enough and not a lot of people like to talk about it. Dick is very much the 'if I ignore it it'll go away' type when it comes to his anger and he can brush most insults or harassment off fine enough. But when he breaks, he makes Jason look like a saint. I'm talking slamming you into a wall and screaming in your face angry. He'll be profusely apologetic afterward but still.

Despite popular belief, I don't think he's that bad of a cook. He's just not very experimentative. He can follow a recipe and does look at some guides. But to me, Dick Grayson just is that guy who is like Chicken veggies and rice are a meal that I can cook 4-6 times a week.

Dick has a slight fear of dentists. He doesn't have bad teeth and has good dental health. He just doesn't like the idea of a drill going in his mouth and the few times Bruce has to take him to a dentist he had a panic attack every time.

Everyone lives for the fics where Jason beats the shit out of Tim and everyone is just like lol well Bruce and Dick just forgives him. No. When Dick found out it was Jason who beat Tim to the ground, Dick was literally seething and told Jason "Pick on someone your own size or else I'll make you wish you back in that f'ing coffin."

Dick's favorite foods (some based in Canon*): Milk Chocolate*, Cereal*, Asparagus, Bananas, Banana flavored candy, Hawaiian Pizza* (suffer its canon) Rum, thanksgiving Turkey.

Jason:

He may be the self-diagnosed black sheep (rightfully so) of the family, but Jason does genuinely love spending time with his siblings. Whether it be sharing memes with them on social media or just randomly showing up where they are and abducting them to go get ice cream/coffee/snacks.

He'd probably attempt to harm you if you told him this to his face. But he is the closest acting to Bruce out of all of the family. In terms of mannerisms and inherent warmth and kindness behind a dark façade.

Has two moods: either exceptionally, almost neat-freak levels of clean, or his life is completely falling apart and Jason can't tell you for sure what color his floors are because there's so much stuff scattered about.

Despite their initial hatred of each other, Jason truly feels closest to Tim and Tim is the only person asides from maybe Barbra who he can just talk to without feeling any judgment.

Jason only smokes when he's extremely nervous about an operation or a hit. For those who don't know criminal justice cigarettes are the fastest way to get genetic material on someone. That being said he does still like to smoke occasionally.

Me, plus a lot of people give him this sort of 'Lazarus Rage' as I like to call it. When he's in the heat of a mission or if he's getting upset/angry his vision will get blurred with green, and it feeds on his anger and just gets perpetually harder to contain until he releases it. Jason has gotten much better at controlling it. But as he will tell Tim or Babs, he's "seeing green" which means they need to be careful because Jason could kill.

Everyone says Dick is the mother hen. I see you, I accept you, but let me raise you. Jason came to realize that he died because of his rash decision to go after The Joker alone. If Jason finds any of his siblings out acting alone, or even at the very least without Oracle. Jason WILL forcefully interject himself and ask them what the fuck they think their doing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Trying to get close to Jason is hard. He will degrade you can attempt to try to get you to hate him before he lets you in (that cheeky Tsun of him)

He genuinely cares for and supports all of his siblings but has been rough on them needlessly. But if Bruce is being the distant or absent parent he is, you better believe if any of the siblings drops him a text or a call, Jason will be there in a heartbeat.

He's the most physically powerful of the whole Bat Family. You don't understand because of his time in the League, his time with the All-Caste, and having abused Venom for a time, he can snap an arm bone like it's a carrot with little effort.

Everyone in the family likes dogs and goes out of their way to gush over a dog, but Jason takes it to a whole new level. And even when he's masked up dogs just gravitate to Jason.

Can and has grown a beard in a matter of a few days. He usually likes to be clean shaven but some days he likes to wear a beard just to throw everyone off.

One time him, Steph, Tim, and Duke all went to a restaurant (Red Robin lol) and the waitress got his order wrong and his burger had raw tomatoes on it, Jason took the tomatoes off and ate it while looking absolutely miserable. Tim: Jay why did you eat that you didn't have to you know you could have asked the server to fix your burger. Jason, almost in tears: "She works really hard and she tried and I'm a scary dude I don't want to make her upset.." Duke: "... Jason you literally shot at a cop for looking at you funny the other day. But you're afraid of upsetting a waitress?!? I mean ACAB but dude.. "

Jason's happiest big brother moment™ was taking Tim and Damian to the shooting range and watching them both get their first bullseye.

You can't tell me Jason Todd was into the Emo/Screamo/Warped-Tour Scene. His favorite bands/Albums in no particular order, That's the Spirit (Literally the whole album is Jason Themed and I'm gonna die on this hill) & Sempiternal by Bring me the Horizon, Digital Renegade & Everyone's Safe in the Treehouse by I See Stars, The Resistance: Rise of the Runaways by Crown the Empire,

Jason Todd's favorite foods: (Also some based in Canon*) Burgers, Chili Dogs*, Lager-style beers, Freshly baked bread*, Neopolitan ice cream, grilled corn, and Chinese Chicken noodle soup with Duck.

Tim:

This boy *slaps car roof* gives off so much asexual energy. I know New 52 exists but I just feel like Tim is the person who really, REALLY has to trust you and like you before he's sexually active with you.

HYPERFIXATES. You also can't tell me Tim isn't on the spectrum/or has ADHD.

Is the only member of the family who regularly checks up on Jason and talks to him every day via text message. The two are memelords together and love to play pranks on the other members.

While Dick may give the most frequent hugs and Jason gives the tightest, most secure hugs, Tim's hugs are always the warmest and make you just feel good.

Tim's birthday is July 19th. Meaning he's a Cancer. Let that sink in.. no, really let that information just soak. (Note I have nothing against Cancer women, cancer men however....)

All of the bat boys really struggle with talking about their feelings. Dick will manipulate you into changing the subject via twisting it to be about you, Jason will just cut you off or will ignore you, Damian will deflect everything and harass you until you stop, Tim however, Tim is very emotional and while he's very calculated about who he's emotional with, he's not afraid to break down and cry if he trusts you.

Everyone who says he's the level headed Robin haha how's it feel to be WRONG. Tim is at best the least functional college student and at worst a lemming. 'No Tim, coffee isn't a meal I'm going to make you some food or I'm going to stick you in a room with Damian for an hour.' Richard (Dick) John Grayson.

People overblow how addicted to caffeine Tim is. But it's true. Just overblown. You can talk to him before he's had his caffeine just don't expect him to be anything but curt and blunt.

Everyone says Jason would be the worst at texting but it's Tim. He's the master of leaving you on read. While Jason may do it on purpose, Tim is just really bad at texting people and while he always will read your messages he forgets to respond unless it's really funny or really pressing.

Everyone sees Tim as this bean pole super skinny boy Robin. Tim may not be stacked like Dick or a freaking tank like Jason, but Tim is NOT super skinny. He's just as muscular and likes to work out as anyone, but he just is super lean, so he looks a lot bigger and his muscles are more defined because of how thin his skin is. He has those almost disgusting spider veins on his arm. Kind of gross to look at, but he's the dream of any nurse. This means Tim is also the king of accidentally sending/posting thirst traps.

He really is the glue of the Bat Family. Everyone kidnaps Tim for 'Tim Time'.

Dick likes to spar with and in general just hang out with Tim. Tim tried to teach Dick how to skateboard and you'd think the boy who mastered the trapeze would know how to skateboard but you'd be wrong.

Babs and Tim always hang out and talk about computer stuff and Babs knows she can vent to Tim about anything and he won't say a word.

Tim and Steph were a thing for a while and even though they're just friends now, they still are very close and the two have a very deep bond, liking to shop with each other and watch movies,

Cass just loves to be around Tim because of how calming he is but also she knows she can spar with him AND Cass can also skateboard with Tim too.

Even though him and Damian are always fighting, the two still end up being together and have this unspoken bond. They work great together on a team but other than that they still hate each other.

And while everyone still is hesitant around Jason, and despite the fact that Jason literally beat Tim to within an inch of his life, AND would still trigger Tim and taunt him about it. The two have this odd closeness that rivals even him and Steph. Tim will always be the first to bat for Jason. Jason was Tim's Robin. And despite the fact Jason literally beat it into Tim's head to "never meet your heroes." Tim will always be there for Jason should he ask. The two are just close. And it's hard to describe. Bruce has caught Tim and Jason just platonically sleeping next to each other or just doing their own things shoulder to shoulder silently, just enjoying each other's company.

Tim and Duke also have a really positive relationship with one another and the two can stay up all night just talking about anything. Their minds just mesh well together. The two also love to team up and prank the other members of the Batman Family.

Tim's favorite ASMR/Stim? Watching those Tik Toks of people cleaning computers or cleaning phones. The sound of an air duster is like music to his ears and if any of the Bats need their technology cleaned it secretly makes Tim so happy to help them.

Wear his hair up or wear his hair down? It depends! While Tim likes his long hair he also has gotten plenty of compliments for his short hair and likes to style it to suit any occasion.

My one pet-peeve with Tim is that he probably is that person who lets his privilege show from time to time. While he was essentially raised to just sit down, shut up, and be a perfect trophy son to the Drake's. The Drake's were in the same tax bracket as Bruce and Tim definitely was a rich kid. He never means to come across as spoiled, but sometimes Jason will give him harsh looks if Tim just throws away food he doesn't like or says things like Chipotle is 'poor people food'

Tim Drake's favorite foods (you know by now*) Donuts*, Shallot and Artichoke Pizza with Canadian Bacon* (odd choice but it could work) Artichokes in general are his favorite vegetable, Strawberries, and Beef Pho.

Damian:

I headcanon that he has the worst teeth of all of the Bat Boys and he actually has to use lingual braces. (Hence why you can't see his braces)

Canonically is a very good artist and while him and Tim don't get along, Tim introduced Damian to digital art and gave him a photoshop pack and a nice tablet for his birthday one year and Damian loved it so much.

Damian is a capricorn and I will die on this hill. A January capricorn too.

Now you want a good chef? You've got Damian. Having converted to veganism Damian has had to get creative whenever he goes out to eat so he tends to like to eat more home cooked foods. Damian loves all matters of mushrooms, eggplant, and bell peppers.

Damian really struggles the most with his wanting to just be a normal kid. Despite the fact he will dismiss you for it, anytime he gets to spend at Gotham Academy with Jon and the rest of the kids he's naturally the happiest.

Damian LOVES to give gifts. He loves the look on people's faces when they are shocked when they actually get something from Damian.

Despite the fact that he's been traumatized from both his times with Ra's and Talia as well as with Bruce. He just wants Bruce and Talia to be together because he loves them both equally.

While he's the least flexible and least gymnastic of the Robins do let your guard down around him. He is the fastest runner and the guy is rivaled only by Jason in terms of lethality.

So someone (Jason Todd & Duke Thomas) introduced Damian to trap music and ever since anytime his phone gets stolen people will be shocked to find he's listening to some combination of Lil' Yachty, X, Kendrick Lamar, Wiz, and Kodak.

If any random person tries to hug Damian he'll immediately push them away, he'll bitch and moan about just about anyone hugging him other than Bruce & Dick.

Damian loves to go to the beach/the ocean. He just thinks it's so vast and he loves the brineness of the air. Also being half white, quarter middle-eastern and quarter Chinese (Yes everyone forgets Talia is half Chinese) Damian gets DARK. And although he's just okay as a swimmer he still likes bogeyboarding and eventually wants to learn how to surf.

I'm genuinely afraid once Puberty is done with this kid and everyone in the family is. He has Bruce Wayne AND Talia Al-Ghouls genes and those are two SEXY human beings. Damian's gonna grow a beard one day and people aren't going to know how to act.

Damian secretly plays Fortnight and not even Jon knows. He doesn't want to get shamed. He'd rather lose a match and ruin his streaks than deal with the shame of anyone in that family finding out he plays Fortnight.

Damian Wayne's favorite foods (canon*) Cereal*, Avocados, Grilled Tempeh, his mom's Tabbouleh, Mushroom Tacos, and Vegan Sushi rolls, and grape juice.

Duke Thomas

Duke is like, freakishly good with a piano, and he picked it up naturally!

Also everyone says Tim brews the best pot of coffee in the Bat Family, cue to everyone's surprise when Tim was sick one day and couldn't make a pot. Only to find the coffee was freaking amazing. Duke didn't take any credit at first until Alfred let it slip that Duke was the one who brewed the pot.

Duke being the only Meta of the family originally thought he was the double-token because he was a Meta and a black boy. Needless to say his fears were seriously unfounded the moment he got to know everyone.

Although he somewhat fears Jason and his temper initially, he and Jason have one of the closest relationships in the family. If Tim isn't around to bat for Jason, Duke will happily take his spot. The two work on each other's bikes and grew to share the same taste in music.

Duke uses his Photokenetic powers as a force for good and for shenanigans. Jason wants to play a prank on Dick and Damian while Dick is reading Damian a story? Duke will hide Jason in the shadows and will cover up his shadow. Alfred dropped something in the dark? You better believe Duke will find it in 3 seconds or less.

Duke makes it a point to visit his parents every weekend to talk to them. Although they are making some progress in their recoveries, it's still slow going. Eventually, he starts bringing members of the family to see his parents. It started with Cass, then Jason, and the rest followed suit.

Duke loves playing video games with Damian and even helps Damian beat some tougher levels when Damian is about to rage and destroy the console.

Duke is into Magic the Gathering and you cannot tell me otherwise. Duke also is the DM for the Bat Kids annual D&D games. I can and will make a D&D Batfam Headcanons if asked.

Loves Pho just as much as Cass and Tim and they all call it a date night every now and then where they can go to a hole in the wall pho place. It's really a secret between the three of them.

DUKE THOMAS IS THE BEST SWIMMER OF THE BAT BOYS AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL. HE JUST THRIVES IN THE WATER.

Finding out his birth father is a supervillain was really tough for him. He went into a shell for a little bit afterwards. Cass and Steph were there to help talk him out of his funk.

Duke Thomas's favorite foods (lol what canon DC hasn't acknowleged our boy in a while..) Chicken Pho, Thai Iced Tea, Papaya, Crab Cakes, Italian Hoagies, his mom's Lemon Poundcake, mint chocolate chip ice cream.

I hope y'all enjoyed! Up next (eventually) will be the Bat Girls!

[opheliawillowbrook]

How the Cookie Crumbles

To say his brothers fought would be an understatement: They warred. That. That was the better word. However, it was Dick who was the peacemaker among them. The mediator extraordinaire, translating all his brothers’ woes and misunderstandings into less doom-pending transgressions. But to say this unofficial, yet very necessary part he played was tasking was yet another understatement of unspeakable proportions. It was a FUCKING LOT.

“I swear to God, Drake. You and Brown are a special kind of stupid.”

“Shut up, Damian! It’s a good idea!” Tim grumbled in reply.

“Yeah! You’re just mad you didn’t think of it first!”

Dick’s face fell upon hearing the argument and considered turning the other way, but he’d learned the hard way that his lack of interference could result in bloodshed. Damian did have a history of stabbing Tim, and Robin had an impressive body count, according to Jason. I’d better  make sure he doesn’t add two more.

“Well, fuck me and my  entire life,” Dick droned in frustration. “What are you three bitching about now?”

“Damian keeps saying our idea is stupid,” Stephanie tattled.

“Yeah!” Tim added with crossed arms. “He says we lack the fortitude for good ideas!”

“You do!” the current robin exclaimed.

“Damian?”

The youngest batboy rolled his eyes and reasoned, “Listen, I know these two brain donors barely have two brain cells to rub between them—”

“That’s not the only thing they rub!” Jason called from the other room.

Damian again rolled his eyes in contempt and continued, “And I’ve accepted, as a member of this family, that everyone gets to act a little stupid from time to time. However, as much as I would like to respect their commitment to their shared stupidity, I feel as if they are abusing the privilege and it needs to stop before one of them gets hurt.”

“Wow, he actually cares,” Jason added from still in another room.

“Have you been sitting there listening the whole time?” Dick asked, near facepalm.

“Affirmative,” Jason confirmed, entering from the hall.

“And you did nothing to stop them fighting?”

“It’s funnier this way.”

“Do I always have to be the responsible one?”

“Affirmative,” all four said with little thought.

“Okay then,” Dick sighed with reluctance. “Damian, I know you find it hard to accept the choices of others, but you need to understand that free choice and expression is about accepting that others may not make the same choices as you, and that’s okay. It’s the same as you choosing not to take my dating advice and ask Raven out because you’re afraid of rejection—”

“Shut up, Grayson! This isn’t about me!!!” Damian spat.

“Damian has the hots for Raven?” Jason teased. “You have good taste, Mighty Mouse. She got a great—”

“Don’t even finish that sentence, Todd!” Dick and Damian ordered in unison.

“I was gonna say personality,” Jason droned. “Get your minds out of the gutter. I mean for fuck’ sake.”

“Sure you were,” Tim replied with a glower.

“Yeah Tim, cause you never stare at her tits while you talk to her,” Jason added, throwing him doubly under the bus.

“Dude, are you trying to get me killed?” Tim said, shooting an elbow into his brother’s ribs as Damian and Stephanie both glared. Spurring Dick into a further mood for murder.

“My point being is, just because you don’t like other peoples’ ideas, doesn’t mean they’re stupid.”

“Tell them the idea, guys!” Jason urged, stirring the pot.

Stephanie and Tim looked at each other and nodded, as though they’d discovered the holy grail itself. “We’re gonna write a series of YA novels and sell them on the web!” Steph sang optimistically.

“Yeah, it’s a huge and diverse market,” Tim added.

“And with established characters, we’ll make a killing.”

Dick’s brow furrowed. “That sounds like fanfiction?”

“It sounds like utter bullshit,” Damian sneered, not single fuck given.

“It’s not bullshit,” Tim snapped. “YA novels make up a huge portion of the market. People love those things.”

“Then name one YA novel that has sold more than a manga in the last 10 years?”

Tim shrugged. “I can’t think of one at the top of my head, but there they definitely exist and sell.”

“Yeah, so does my fanfiction based on this family,” Jason added under his breath.

“What?” Everyone asked.

“Nothing. Continue.”

“So anyway, I told Damian it’s a foolproof plan.”

Dick rolled his eyes with a bit of doubt, but who was he to judge or discourage their creativity. I mean, he dropped out of college after all? “I’m not saying I believe it’s bulletproof, because frankly, nothing is. But I’m curious why you would consider telling Damian? I mean, he hates most things.”

“And Drake. I hate Drake.”

“We’re all very aware, Dami,” Dick drawled in annoyance. “But yeah, why would you tell him anything important to you? Especially that?”

“Well, we kinda needed a loan. I knew Bruce would undoubtedly say no and, well, Damian has money.”

“Because I make good business decisions.”

“I don’t know why I thought of asking you?”

“You didn’t, Jason told you to,” Stephanie confessed, recalling an earlier conversation.

“Jason, really?” Dick tsked.

“Hey, Damian does make good business decisions. Who do you think cleans and invests money? It’s certainly not Alfred.”

“Because Alfred would have nothing to do with your blood money, Jason. And Damian, I’m very disappointed in you!”

“Grayson, I don’t know what high horse you are riding on today, but you better come off it. Father told me if I wanted money, that I needed to earn it and that I should get a job. So I got one.”

“Laundering money for Red Hood’s criminal Enterprise is not a job!”

“Actually it is. Mighty Mouse made us an LLC and everything. I own several Wash & Folds, all legitimate! Thanks to Hell Spawn here! I’m actually considering making him a partner.”

“So will your LLC fund our YA Novels?”

“Oh fuck no!”

“Come on, Jay! We have a solid business plan,” Stephanie pleased.

“You’re business plan is a bunch of meaningless numbers written on the back of a napkin and poorly illustrated versions of us,” Damian said, holding up the napkin in question.

“Okay, so it’s not the final draft, but we’re working on it!” Tim said pointedly.

“Yeah, as tempting as this all sounds, I didn’t make my money making half baked business decisions,” Jason reasoned

“No, you made it by taking over Gotham’s drug trade,” Dick clarified with disapproval.

“Which was a solid business decision.”

“Why do I even talk to you?”

“I don’t know why I talk to any of you,” Damian scowled, arms crossed, grateful there was no shared genetics between him and his adoptive kin. “I don’t understand what father saw in any of you.

“I can’t answer that,” Jason replied. “However, I can tell you, from personal experience, what he saw in your mom.”

“Do you wanna die, Todd?”

“Do you wanna not have a job?” Jason wanted. “Also, been there done that. But hey, if I died twice then I’d have buffy status so don’t threaten me with a good time, kid.”

“On that note, I’m leaving,” Damian grimaced. “I have to meet Raven, anyway.”

“Oh,” Dick sang. “You have a date!”

“It’s not a date.”

“Bet you wish it was a date,” Stephanie teased. “Y’know, if you just stopped acting like a dick all the time, I bet she’d go out with you.”

“Shut up, Brown.”

“Oh no,” Dick smiled. “I know it’s hard to believe, but he’s nice to Raven.”

“Hey keep that shit up,” Jason added. “If you’re nice to her, she’d be nice to you!”

“I hate all of you,” Damian proclaimed and stormed away.

“Fuck you too! See you at work Monday! Jason called, earning a tiger middle finger.

“He might be an asshole, but he’s a good kid,” Jason nodded with a sense of pride, causing to Dick to silently scoff. “Still needs to get laid though.”

“Bruce is gonna be so pissed when he finds out you pulled Dami into your bullshit.”

“You’re using Raven’s pet name for him now?” Jason mocked. “And fucker’s gonna have to prove it first; there’s a reason I hired ‘Dami’ for that job.”

“Dude, fuck you; dig your grave,” Dick lamented. “And don’t come at me with one of your tired ass death jokes, they’re getting old.”

“Suit yourself,” the Outlaw glowered as silence set in.

“So Dick,” Tim dared sheepishly. “You, um, wanna invest in--”

“Absolutely not,” the elder hero replied.

Leaving Jason to chuckle. “And that’s the way the cookie crumbled.”

If you enjoyed that feel free to leave me kudos 👉 here on Ao3 lol. If you have any remdom prompts send them my way; maybe I’ll feel inspired 😘

[woodchoc-magnum]

L*ne St*r Hate Watch 3x07

I nearly completely forgot about this show 😅

Disclaimer: you love the show, I hate it! Don't read this, move on with your life and have a great day.

Eddie Diaz because he's beautiful sunshine:

Surprised with this show that they didn't actually show us the dude splattering on the road sign

Loving this cop with a chip on his shoulder about firefighters

Imagine rolling up and demanding they move a fucking firetruck

HE'S WRITING THEM A TICKET! A TICKET??? NUISANCE OBSTRUCTION?????

Hilarious 10/10 for comedy

A man is sitting in Grace's seat

Of course his name is Dave

I've seen this dude in something but I cannot place him, I'm getting What We Do in the Shadows vibes but I know that's not right (side note - that'll be back on TV soon!!)

Carlos is going to give himself an ulcer one day I swear to god

"red vs blue" kind of like Queensland vs New South Wales but like, with emergency personnel (that's just a little Australian rugby league State of Origin reference for all you Americans reading this)

I genuinely don't care about this

In this scenario, even though it's LS, I am team firefighter because who the fuck wants to be team police? Like honestly

This man HAS EATEN GRACE'S FOOD

Who the fuck goes into a communal fridge and just takes food that's not theirs

Grace hates Dave, this is the only rivalry I care about

Quick life update – I baked a chocolate cake today, absolutely fucking crushing it you guys

THE COP TOWED THE FUCKING FIRE TRUCK????

I feel like this would never happen in real life, but I appreciate how bonkers it is

Oh no Dave's going to jump in on Grace's call and she's going to kill him

Oh wait maybe Dave's proving himself to Grace?

He did still steal her potato salad though so like, he's going to have to make up for that

I hate that we see the 126 bunk room but never the one at the 118

Because you just know Buck and Eddie sleep right next to each other, like, 100%

Judd and Grace make this show worth watching

So they're having a baseball game against the cops which I think is dumb

I have been sitting here eating a bag of chips and not really paying attention

But I can tell you what's going to happen – someone, probably Owen Strand, is going to hit a home run and win the game

Because there's no way the 126 is losing this

Man I really thought they were going to bring in Billy to help them play baseball and I'm so annoyed it's this random medic from last season (remember when Tim got smashed by a lava rock? Good times)

The random medic seems to have stood them up for the baseball game

The song they're using in this scene is the "Mahna Mahna" song from The Muppets -> https://youtu.be/QTXyXuqfBLA

Also it was used in a sunscreen commercial in Australia - "banana boat, it's 30+, banana boat, it lasts for hours and hours and hours, banana boat!"

Anyway what I'm saying is that I think it's a weird song choice

Yo I think the cops are winning

Also I don't care about this baseball plotline but I'm annoyed they did it on LS and not the OG so we could see Ryan in baseball gear

Damn I was hoping TK would get hit in the face with a baseball

They called Nancy "the big whiff" in high school, in Australia that means something very different

Oh the cops temporarily arrested the new medic

Wow baseball is fucking boring

I just know that Owen is going to score the winning home run or something

Oh maybe it'll be Nancy? That'd be a plot twist

Owen is being very supportive of her and not completely terrible so that's a good thing

Oh she did it

And wow the 126 win

Amazing

What a triumph of the human SPIRIT – OH WAIT SOMEONE TRIPPED HER

I think this might turn into a rumble

"You hose jockeys" all right calm down you big turd

Owen threw a punch and now they're fighting, and when I said "this might turn into a rumble" earlier, I didn't actually think it would

The new medic is displeased

His name is Pearce and he is not a team player and he's quit so it literally does not matter

Such a missed opportunity for Eddie Diaz to show off his baseball prowess on the OG, honestly

Dave's either going to prove himself in this scene or not

Oh yeah he's proving himself

Dave's got some issues

Dave's having a heart attack

Dave might die and I kind of hope he doesn't

This has been a literal rollercoaster of emotions

Oh no he's fine, we're all good, everyone can chill

"There's like, a fire, man, but don't worry, it's cool" – hilarious (there's a fire at a marijuana grow house)

Okay so now the 126 is going to prove themselves to the dickhead cop and he and Owen are going to shake hands with a newfound grudging respect for each other

HA THE COPS ARE ALL STONED

Owen is going to rescue the dickhead cop, and then there'll be a handshake and grudging respect, mark my words

Okay so the dickhead cop is stoned off his fucking tits

I was wrong about the handshake, it was a hug instead

Pretty gay, you guys. Pretty gay

This episode feels weird to me, like it's cop rehabilitation or something. The cops were being fucking dicks this whole episode

Oh wait here's the stoned dickhead now

Here comes the handshake, and now he's having dinner with them. I think he and Owen might fuck later

L*ne St*r: After Dark

Oh, Grace is visiting Dave in the hospital and she brought him kale. I'd kick her the fuck out

Oh shit DAVE LIED TO THE SUICIDAL GUY ON THE PHONE ABOUT HIS FATHER COMMITTING SUICIDE? That's ice cold Dave

Dave's joining the day shift, good for him

Grace may murder him yet

Oh they're having a party at TK and Carlos' house

A trophy ceremony ugh this is so fucking dumb

"It's my Mom," TK says in a monotone. "She's dead."

I was spoiled for this so it's not a shock, but fuck do I have some feelings about it – like, she's barely in the fucking show, she's just had a baby at like, 50 years old, and they fucking killed her? They've fucking KILLED HER?

It just pisses me off because I don't care about TK and Owen, and the whole next episode is going to be about this and you know it's going to be a total fucking shitshow. If they wanted to have a relapse storyline for TK – which I feel like this is where it's going – then they could've done it with the breakup? Or like, his near death experience, or something?

Unless the plan is that they're going to give the baby to TK to raise because the father is dead as well, but honestly, whatever the plan is, I think it's dumb as all fuck and I'm mad about it.

Lisa Edelstein deserves better and this reminds me why I hate this fucking show.

Sure, it has moments, and I'm invested in Grace and Judd's storyline, but they pull this Grey's Anatomy shit and I'm like, first of all, fuck you. Fuck you for randomly killing off a character who is barely even relevant to the show just to give TK and Owen some man pain; just because you were too lazy to come up with some other storyline for them.

Killing characters willy nilly is lazy fucking writing and this show has been guilty of that before (hello, zombie Tim) and they're doing it again. It just smacks to me that they have no fucking idea what they're doing, where the show is going or how to write for any of the other characters except the two white male leads.

It's fucking bullshit.

This has been a rant.

Eddie Diaz to CLEANSE:

THE MAN LOVES BASEBALL, THIS IS SUCH A MISSED OPPORTUNUITY

[river-bottom-nightmare]

relationship dynamics

because i felt like it

Birdflash: Their relationship dynamic is like the cutest thing ever. “I’ve noticed that we’ve slowly begun to phase the ‘B’ out of our bromance.” Have done the spiderman kiss and will continue to do the spiderman kiss. SO. MANY. PUNS. They’re CONSTANTLY in a pun war. In a drive thru: “Hey can you tell the guy in the car behind me that he’s cute and I’ll pay for his drink?” “Um….okay sir.” “Your total is $10.59. Also the guy in front of you said, um, he said to tell you that he thinks you’re cute and he’ll pay for your drink.” “*rolls eyes with a fond smile* that’s my husband, he thinks he’s romantic,” but the best part is that it works for either one of them. Birdflash Culture is the word “babe.” If you don’t think they had a bubble machine at their wedding then you’re lying to yourself. Eating junk food whenever and wherever they want,. “Oh my god just get in the fucking blanket fort already.” Where you go, I go. SO MUCH FOOD OH MY GOD ALL THE FOOD SO MUCH FRIGGIN FOOD. Police/crime lab aesthetic bc I have a headcanon that they’ both work with the police department (Dick’s a detective, Wally’s the lead CSI). Photo booth strips. Them being impressed by each other all the time. F R E C K L E S. Stopping halfway through the middle of sex because they just realized something about Star Trek season 3 episode 8 and they really need to pull it up on the tv to make sure they’re right. Re-enacting fight scenes from martial arts movies in the living room of a tiny apartment. Have i mentioned the babe thing because they toss around the word babe all the friggin time, not baby that’s gross, just plain babe along with bro and dude those three are interchangeable. “I called shotgun infinity when I was twelve.” The glass is always half full. Them playing video games at home eating pizza counts as a “date” but also they’ve been doing the same thing for years.

Jayroy: “don’t worry I know what I’m doing” “not even god knows what you’re doing.” Sharing cigarettes. Desperate messy kisses. Constant fast paced insult war that you can’t keep up with if you’re not quick witted enough. “My family had to put up with me but you? You’re the idiot who chose me as a best friend.” pet names galore but like edgy ones not gross sweet ones (my personal favorite is jaybird bc it’s awesome and also canon), very very kinky sex, will murder rapists and drug lords in the most painful way possible without giving a solitary fuck but will go to a nursing home the next morning and be as respectful as possible to the elderly. Tattooossss. Baseball hats. Say “fuck you” as “I love you.” Hair ties everywhere. m u s c l e s.

Timkon:  Classic love story. Like, switch one of their genders and you’ve got a old school romance movie in the making. Photo shoots with a pride flag and merch. Pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks. Tim wearing Kon’s clothes to the point where practically his entire wardrobe except for his fancy clothes and red robin suit consists solely of Kon’s stuff. The Neighborhood vibes. Holding hands on a date at the carnival. Pride bracelets and pins. 90s vibes. Kind of the type of Destiel feeling where you can’t really have Destiel without also having Sam being the overenthusiastic shipper/supportive brother? That but with the rest of the Core Four. Polaroid pictures. Gay and Tired. Flannel + Leather + Denim. they go on dates with other people (before they realize they’re in love) and spend the entire time talking about their other half. Skateboards. A high school romance.

Damijon (aged up obviously):  constant constant constant bickering and arguing, like we’re surpassing married couple status here. “I’m older” “I’m taller” starts out as a biting insult, falls into teasing joke, then becomes something they say with a mischievous fondness and an inside-joke smile. Country + Pop Taylor swift songs. Wandering together through the city. "Be kind to animals or I’ll kill you.” Sitting on the roof together. Kryptonite blades that Jon trusts no one except Damian to wield. “I hate you” “happy to hear it” turning into another inside joke. Sleepovers. Never growing up. “I trust you with my life unconditionally but I do not trust you to get my order right remember the time you betrayed me and everything I ever stood for?” “Oh my god dami I forgot the sauce onCE.” Don’t lie to yourself, habibi is totally a thing. Damian wearing Jon’s varsity football jacket over dark colored/black turtleneck shirts. Damian sketching Jon either late at night in the light of the moon or early in the morning by the light of the sun. Classic dark vs Light. Running down the street tugging the other behind you while holding hands. Red converse + Combat boots. TEAMWORK. “Clark, your son is annoying, loud, clumsy, entirely too tall, hopelessly optimistic, and way too naive. I trust him with every cell in my body.”

[lifewithdavefarts]

DaveFarts - Episode 10 “The Elevator” [Episode List] After visiting a friend’s house, Tim and the gassy-as-usual Dave take a really slow elevator together.

The Elevator

I took a quick sip of beer as our friend Adam left the living room to get another can in his fridge. What was left was a weirdly awkward silence and Dave, with his own beer, glaring at me.

“Dude,” he whispered. “It’s been a hour. I thought you were gonna tell him.”

I chose Adam as the first non-Dave bud to come out to, but it ended up being surprisingly hard to do. It’s not like Dave was forcing me or anything, or that Adam was a bad person; on the contrary, Dave was simply there with me as my emotional support in case things go south (but we both know they won’t) and Adam was, well, just Adam. Dave’s rightful reaction to me not coming out as planned didn’t bother me and as I said he wasn’t there to intimidate a confession out of me.

“Look, I don’t feel ready, okay?”

“You’ve been talking about the weather for 20 minutes.” he hissed. “What’s next? Geology?”

I chuckled. “Actually, this reminds me that they found this weird rock in South Amer-“

“I can’t believe this.”

“What’s not to believe? You take a big shovel and-“

“And I’m gonna dig my own grave if you start talking about rocks.”

I chuckled again. I know he wasn’t really mad.

Annoyed? Maybe. But mad? Nah, that’s a stretch.

He had all the rights to be annoyed though, but in the end it was my decision to make and he knew this.

We kept whispering as we heard Adam rummaging the fridge like some kind of raccoon longing for a cold drink.

“Look.” I said. “it’s late now anyway. Let’s just leave. Sorry I wasted your time.”

“Fine.” he replied. “Let’s finish our beers first at least.”

“That goes without saying.” and I took a long sip.

Truth is that I hadn’t any real reason to hide my homosexuality from Adam or any other of my buds actually. First, we’re in our 20s, we’re all mature and open-minded here. And in the end, excluding the whole fart-thing going on with Dave, they were all like him, chill guys. Adam, despite always sounding like someone who wants to have none of your shit, or anyone’s shit really, more than once proved that it’s just a facade and not-so-deep down he’s always ready to listen and back you up whenever you needed it. He did just listen to me talking about the weather for 20 minutes, so either he’s fascinated by the subject or knows I’m trying to tell him something else and is just patiently waiting.

The thought of wasting both of my buds’ time in a way or another kind of bothered me to be honest, so I was more than okay with wrapping things up and just leave, which me and Dave did mere minutes later.

“See you bro.” my bud said to Adam, standing by the door, as we went outside in the hallway, not far from the stairs and the elevator “Tim wants to talk about rocks so I’m taking him out of here before he kills you with boredom.”

“The one they dug up in Colombia?” Adam asked, much to our surprise.

“Yeah.” I answered. “They know it’s andesite but it has some interesting carvings on the surface and-“

A startled “What the fuck.” from Dave echoed in the hallway and the entire apartment building.

“What the fuck indeed.” Adam uttered, rather excitedly, completely missing the point. “This could change the archeo-history of the entire region.”

“I heard enough.” Dave said as he walked towards the elevator.

Both me and the other rock-enthusiast laughed at his reaction.

“By the way, I’m going to join you for a bit as I gotta walk the dog.” Adam remembered, reaching for a leash behind him.

“We’ll see you outside then.” Dave replied and then turned to me. “Tim, elevator, now.” he ordered.

“You sure, guys? You remember that thing is slow as shit, right?”

“We’ll be fine.” my bud said, patting my back. “I guess I’ll make Tim last longer then.” he joked.

“That only happens when you call me ‘daddy’” I joked back, as we walked towards the elevator, leaving our common friend behind.

“Rrrright.” Adam said. “I’ll get the dog while you two solve your sexual tension. See you outside.”

I pressed the button to summon the lift, Dave’s arm still around my shoulder as if he had something to show me. Truth to be told, I somehow knew where this was going.

As the panels of the door opened, we stepped into the elevator cab. I pressed the “G” on the control panel. I heard a mechanical noise and the elevator started its long, slow descent (we were at the 10th floor), after the doors closed behind us of course.

It was a cold evening and the cab wasn’t any warmer. I turned to Dave, who was wearing a dark blue hoodie and a pair of grey jeans. He looked at me with a smirk, hands in his jeans pockets; he raised his eyebrows and, without warning, a loud thunder echoed in that enclosed moving space.

The roaring fart had a slow start, with some interruptions, actually a sign for how big it was, but Dave, being an expert, quickly tamed the gassy beast and properly “tuned” the sound of the blast after a couple of seconds, keeping a consistent pitch, while also making it sound loud and deep. It felt like he was ripping one of those huge “when the girl finally leaves” farts, only, well, Dave-sized, which is always a sight to behold… hear? In this case there was no girl so he probably simply held all of his farts in to not ruin “the moment”, in case I wanted to come out back at Adam’s place (with beer acting as a bonus fuel).

A silly smile was drawn on my bro’s face as the fart kept going strong and proud, sometimes reaching some incredibly loud moments. He chuckled a bit and even winked at me when the blast made some particularly “meaty” noises, if that makes any sense. The fart was impressive on his own but Dave “interacting” with me while still masterfully passing gas was incredible as well (and, of course, hot).

The number 6 on the control panel lightened up and only in that moment I realized two things: the first being that the elevator was indeed slow as fuck; the second is that around 40 seconds passed and neither Dave nor his fart “flinched”. I was widely aroused by that and I felt the air around us getting more and more “polluted”, but not in an unbearable way actually. The blast kept echoing inside the elevator and I’m pretty sure that it could have been easily heard, albeit a bit muffled, by anyone taking the stairs.

Dave farted in my face many times, but no fart reached the length and power of this one, which is saying a lot. My bud’s butt-burps normally last around 6-12 seconds and don’t get me wrong they’re amazing, but man, maybe this one rip would have been too much to endure even for me: it simply wouldn’t stop. It’s like there was a loud engine in the elevator which couldn’t be turned off as I couldn’t hear anything else.

I was instead the opposite of turned off and teasing bastard Dave Maning knew this and, as usual, had no issue with it. At this point it was a race between Dave’s longest fart and the world’s slowest elevator.

We were now at the 3rd floor and my bud probably wanted to do a “big finale”; he was visibly pushing the blast out now, as if he wanted it to last as long as possible, a smirk still drawn on his face. He closed his eyes and the sound made it look like another fart was ripped over the sound of the previous fart, as if two audio channels in his ass somehow overlapped. The sound was of course louder than ever; the smell now, and only now, getting a bit hard to get used to. But to be honest, Dave’s skills as a sound designer alone were impressive enough.

A big part of me, mainly the one between my legs, wanted to get on my knees and plant my face in his denim ass before the fart faded out, but I knew that would have been too much even for such a chill guy like him. I’m sure he wouldn’t hate me or anything at this point but we both know there are some untold boundaries and honestly it’s better this way. I know how lucky I am to have someone like him around (farts or not).

My farting bro probably read my mind as he slowly turned around and got closer, again without affecting the fart’s quality and, being a bit taller then me, basically farted on the upper part of my hip. It almost made my entire body shake due to its power and it felt good. Now I really wanted to bend down as if I was tying my shoes but what stopped me this time was also the thought of… not surviving. I was familiar with Dave’s farts but this was absurdly powerful even for him.

And finally, as Dave resumed his previous position, again looking at me, the fart stopped, followed by my friend letting out a relieved whistle, and then an immature cackle.

Not even 2 seconds after that the elevator reached its destination, stopping as well. I jokingly clapped my hand and shook my head in disbelief. “Bravo!” I said, as if I just watched some fancy stage play.

Dave simply smiled and turned his back at me to face the exit, as we both waited for the just-as-slow panel doors to open.

“At least not all the time here was wasted.” he laughed.

“Bro, we had a beer together. That’s never a waste of time for me.” I replied.

“Wow. Rocks, gay and cringe. You got it all, Tim!” he replied.

We both laughed at me being needlessly cheesy and finally stepped out of that gas chamber. Someone stepped in the cab as we left it and the doors closed, leaving us in the hallway at the ground floor. We heard muffled coughing noises almost immediately and we laughed again, as we knew the disgusting reason. Poor, innocent soul.

“Ok but bro” Dave then said, looking a bit more serious. “You gotta do it someday. Trust me you can trust all of us.”

“I know man.” I replied, as we walked towards the exit “Next time I meet Adam, doesn’t matter where and when, I’m gonna tell him that I’m gay.”

My voice echoed in the building and through the stairs, but I didn’t care.

“You’re… gay?”

Okay, I cared.

We both turned around, puzzled.

It was Adam, right behind us (with this dog on leash), descending one last set of stairs before ending up in front of us. Somehow he’s been slower than the elevator, which both me and Dave found hilarious but I also had other emotions going on that moment.

Dave patted my shoulder encouragingly and stepped back: it was my time to shine.

“Yep.” I simply said. “I wanted to tell you hours ago but I didn’t have the guts to do it.”

Adam just stared at me with a confused expression.

I didn’t feel as nervous as I anticipated. “Yes, Dave knows it…” I quickly added, noticing him staring at my other straight bud. “And I asked him to not tell anyone.”

A moment of silence followed and those always feel like they last hours.

“I mean you two clearly have been dating each other for years” Adam joked. “So it’s no surprise, really.”

“WHAT WE HAVE IS SPECIAL!” Dave shouted, jokingly faking a desperate reaction.

I simply laughed and before I could process how well everything was going I felt Adam doing something very unusual for him: he hugged me.

“I’m glad you told me, man.” he simply said. “You know you can count on us.”

I know times have changed and all but this felt like a victory. Every time I’m gonna come out to a friend of mine it’s one step closer to the peak of a mountain and once at the top I will finally-

“Fuck, I forgot my phone.” Adam said, patting his pockets. “I’ll just take the elevato-“

“NOOO!” both me and Dave screamed, knowing that it was still a deadly gas chamber.

Adam simply replied with an annoyed expression and went for the stairs, the dog just behind him.

“Oh hey by the way.” I asked. “What took you so long? You said the elevator was slow but somehow we made it here before you.”

“Don’t underestimate me.” he replied. “It’s just that I heard some weird noises echoing through the stairs and me and another guy tried to understand what it was.”

Dave tried to not to burst into laughter, while I simply smiled like an idiot. Adam and his dog then went up the stairs and left us in silence, not until my gassy bro decided to break it the way he usually does.

A loud fart erupted and echoed through the building, only lasting around 4 seconds this time.

“There it is again!” we heard Adam say, a couple floors above us.

Me and Dave shared an amused look and went outside trying to not laugh like immature idiots. I felt the cold weather all over me, which was relieving considering the gas trap I’ve been trapped into only minutes earlier.

Despite a slow, yet really entertaining elevator ride, and my awkwardness, no time went wasted today.

“I’m proud of you, bro.” Dave said, this time serious, but still smiling.

“Wow.” I replied. “Straight and cringe. You got it all, Dave.” and winked at him.

“Don’t get too cocky now, rock nerd.”

I was rock-hard, to be more precise that’s for sure, but that was a detail I’d take care of later, perhaps thinking back of that absurd elevator ride. Whenever I’m with Dave, I’ll make sure we’re never taking the stairs again.

End of Episode 10

[fleetwood-mac-andcheese]

My thoughts while watching Holes for the billionth time

It’s fucked up that the movie starts with all the supporting characters watching their friend attempt suicide

How long was Stanley’s trial and how short was Zero’s trial? Because we know that Zero got arrested the day after Stanley did, but he arrived at Camp Greenlake significantly earlier. Like, he knew Barfbag, he already had a nickname, people knew he liked to dig. How long was he there before Stanley showed up?

In the book when they sing the song, they howl on the word moon (it’s written “moo-oo-oon”) and I wish they did that in the movie

The Yelnatses screwed Stanley over by not getting him a lawyer. The little bits we see of his case prove they had no clue what they were doing. And when they eventually do get a lawyer, he’s let out almost immediately.

I love how Dr. Pendanski is written. He’s such a terrible person who has convinced himself and is trying to convince those around him that he is the nicest guy around. He fucking sucks and I love how he’s written and how Tim Blake Nelson plays him.

“Today’s menu: Chili, string beans, re-fried beans, garbanzo beans, green beans, and banana jello” — aren’t green beans and string beans the same thing?

The cinematic choices made in this movie are just *chef’s kiss*. The way they jump from timeline to timeline without ever losing pace is masterful

Eartha Kitt is flawless.

While Eartha Kitt is flawless, I want it noted that in the book, Madame Zeroni is described as a one legged Romani person (Sachar actually used the G slur) and Eartha Kitt is neither one-legged nor Romani.

Zero is the fastest digger in the camp, but they never really explain how big the camp is. Like, is he the fastest out of 25 people? 60 people, 140 people?

Just to revisit point 8, I fucking love Eartha Kitt

The yellow spotted lizards are such an excellent plot device

All the inmates are either A) mentally ill B) people of color or C) severely traumatized. But most of them are D) all of the above

When Squid throws out Stanley’s letter, catch Zero in the background with a pool cue ready to beat the shit out of that motherfucker

It’s weird that they show Sam as some kind of snake oil salesman when we know that his product actually works. The yellow spotted lizards won’t bite you if you’ve eaten his onions. Why claim they cure baldness or that Mary Lou is over 100 years old?

Zero back at it again ready to throw hands for Stanley, this time with a billiards ball

The fact that magnet got locked up for stealing a thousand dollar puppy

“You are here on account of one person. You know who that person is?” “Yeah, my no good, dirty rotten, pig-stealing, great great grandfather. That’s who it is”

Henry Winker provides such comedic levity

When Zero asks Stanley to teach him how to read and it’s such a nice moment of vulnerability, only to be shot down by Stanley. I just want to cry

What happens if someone actually dies at Camp Greenlake? Like, Zero and Stanley ran away and Barfbag got sent to the hospital, but they all survived. What would the protocol be if someone just dies while digging? Clearly there’s not a lot of oversight because Stanley can get away with Zero digging his hole, so what happens when one of those kids get overheated working all day in the Texas sun and just collapses in their hole one day and nobody thinks to check on them until the next day when the buzzards are all gathered around their corpse?

I’ve waited long enough to say this. Sigourney Weaver in this movie is one of the best performances I’ve ever seen. I fucking love her

Sam and Katherine. nuff said

“Well then I guess you’d be in a lot of trouble if your boat leaked.” *sobs*

Just casually reciting Edgar Allen Poe from memory as a way of professing my love to a woman I legally cannot be with due to racist laws forbidding interracial relationships.

I can’t help but remember that Scott Plank died during the post production of this movie. Respect to him and his ability to play such a good villain as Trout Walker

“No one ever says no to Trout Walker.” “I believe I just did.” SAY IT LOUDER, KATE!

Sam

I love that Kate’s MO came from a racist sheriff sexually harassing her

The sunflower seed thing reminds me of something that happened to me at RTC and it’s just a really nice moment for me

Stanley acting so casual by not doing the one thing he’s supposed to be doing

The look on Magnet’s face right before Stanley covers for him

I really want to know more about the Warden and Mr. Sir’s relationship

I also really want a bottle of that rattlesnake nail polish, but maybe that’s just me

I also really like that Sachar didn’t shy away from the racial implications of a white guy having a black guy do his labor for him. Then again, the whole story is an indictment of racism and the American prison system, so it makes sense he wouldn’t ignore that

The way Stanley gets so excited when Zero mentions that park. Like ‘oh, we have something in common. We used to go to the same park!’ and Zero just shuts it down with “I used to sleep in the tunnel next to the swing and bridge” Stanley may have been cursed, but he still had a home

Zero finally gets to throw hands on Stanley’s behalf. He’s been waiting to do that since point 14

Pendanski really is the shittiest

“No one cares about Hector Zeroni” “I do”

I love that Twitch was just instantly ready to help Stanley steal Mr. Sir’s car

What are the chances of Kate, Zero, and Stanley all finding Sam’s boat in the middle of the desert? And I know Kate probably spent years looking for it after the lake dried up and for Zero and Stanley it was destiny, but still

Zero, you gotta ration that sploosh

One more time for emphasis: I love Eartha Kitt

Kate dying and she hallucinates Sam, only to be snapped out of it by Trout Walker. Just Trout stopping them from being together one last time

“It hasn’t rained here since the day they killed Sam” and you think whatever deity made that happen is gonna let anyone in the Walker family end up with Kate Barlow’s fortune?

“I can’t leave without Hector.”

“Call my mom. Tell her I said I was sorry. Tell her Theodore said he was sorry” cue Small Steps

Justice reigns over the Walker family and rain falls over the Walker estate

I would love for someone to find out just how much that treasure chest was really worth. Can one of those theorist channels get on that, please?

Hector finding his mom is nothing short of heart-melting. I’m not crying, you’re crying

“Camp Greenlake was closed and the boys were released on time served and sent to real counselors” Wait, are you implying that forced labor is an unjust prison sentence? Someone better tell the prison industrial complex!

So what happened with Sweet Feet? Did they sit him down and explain the misunderstanding before or after signing him as the spokesperson for their product? He was the prosecution’s lead witness at Stanley’s trial, but nope! All is forgiven!

The soundtrack slaps

Point 53, however you have Shia Labeouf and Eartha Kitt in the same movie and you put which one of them on the soundtrack? Just wondering who made that call. Like, you layer ‘I Want To Be Evil’ or ‘Burned As A Witch’ over any of Kissing Kate Barlow’s scenes, it’d be perfect. But no, instead we get the dude from Even Stevens trying to rap.

[pink-bird-30]

Titans 3x08

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!!

READ AT OWN RISK!!!!!

Okay, we got a good episode y'all!!!!

Lets dive in:

-The opening scene. Personally, I hated how it went from Dick interacting with Barbara on the phone to Kori coming in and chatting with Dick. I'm glad we got a decent amount of Dick and Kori interaction this episode, but having Dick interact with Kori the second he's off the phone with Babs hurt me. This is what the comics have been doing to us for years. It's really just a slap in the face to fans of these characters and ships. It's really just unnecessary drama.

-KOM AND CONNOR OOOOOOOOH BOY. "So you're staying." Awe Connor, my sweet boy, I pray Kom doesn't hurt him. Connor and Kom are good for each other, but I do believe Kom does have a secret agenda that we haven't discovered yet.

-Tim and Dick meeting for the first time. I literally squealed seeing them on screen together. The claimed "best Robin" has just graced our screens! And he brought receipts to call out Dick, he had our man Grayson s-w-e-a-t-i-n-g. Tim was so confident, what a champ.

-Again, I'm questioning the ages of these characters because Tim said he was there the night Dick's parents died. So does that mean Tim was a wee little thing, or is he about the same age as Dick?

-Why do they have Dick dressing like Bruce. I don't like the vibes of Gotham Dick. I miss my henley shirt wearing fool who doesn't know how to act when Kori walks into the room.

-Dick, why are you driving out into traffic and getting hit by a car. You're better than this stupidity.

-Okay, lets discuss Kori's vision. I think her mother is trying to tell her about Ryand'r-Kori and Kom's brother (for those who don't know there is a third And'r sibling). I think Kom did something to him or that he is trying to reach out to Kori somehow. He is always known to be missing in the comics or they forget that he even exists and he pops up every once in a while, so I'm hoping it's him trying to reach out to her just like Kom did.

-Dick and Kori need to get their minds in order. Now we have Dick hallucinating again and Kori sleep walking.

-Can we discuss how Jason went to a sex club to find reconciliation from sex workers, I fucking died. Man, churches exist for a reason lol.

-When Tim stumbles upon Dick in the big "gotcha" moment and Dick responds with "I'm just a normal guy doing normal things." 'as I walk down a tunnel where Batman made us run around for hours trying to find our way out.' Yes, Dick. Totes normal stuff here. Tim is just like, "Dude, seriously?" I'm really gonna love their dynamic once Tim is on the team.

-I don't understand the interaction between Dick and Kori after Dick tells the team Jason is coming home. "Bruce told you to be a better Batman. There are two versions: One kills people and the other doesn't" What is that supposed to mean? Is Kori telling him vaguely that he can't be Batman? or if he is he needs to decide how he wants to act when it comes to criminals. I just need this clarified cuz Kori was the one person who wasn't bringing up the whole, "Be Batman" shit to Dick. These writers needs to stop bleeding these characters personalities.

-Crane shooting Tim. That was fucked up. And Jason not staying to tell the Titans the truth, that it wasn't him, isn't going to bide over well when it comes to next episode. They're still going to think he's working for Crane. Jason really makes me concerned for his well being. But I'm hoping he goes to Molly and Molly reaches out to Gar.

-I don't get what happened at the end. Did the fear toxin get to Babs and now she sees the Titans as a threat to Gotham? or was she having a revelation about something else?

-I really doubted Crane last episode for not having a back up plan. But if The Suicide Squad movie taught me anything, never underestimate the mama's boy with anger issues. He really played Dick and Kori like that. He knew Kori would come in and try to blast him with her star bolt. That damn inspector had to give him the insight he needed. Damn.

-WHERE ARE RACHEL AND DONNA, WE ARE DEPRIVED HERE!

I'm glad we finally had a Titans centered episode, keep them coming!!!!