#soft batfamily

[bruciemilf]

Crying because I imagined Damian quietly observing Bruce with the other birds, -- who surpassed his Baba in height, -- and taking in what he's seeing.

Bruce picks Dick up, brows tied with effort. He doesn't miss the wince.

A part of him wants to wake his older brother up and tell him to get himself upstairs, but Dick clings to their father tight. Damian realizes how mean that'd be.

" I'm fine,'' Jason does this a lot; Pretending. They're a family of actors, after all. Blood or not. " I'm not 10, I'm perfectly capable of walking out of this car by myself."

Bruce nods, " Okay."

"...My ankle hurts, actually."

Damian noticed, more sorrow than envy, that Jason holds Baba tighter than all of them. And that Bruce holds him back tenfold tighter. They love Gofham, -- but they'll never trust her again.

Tim and Cass are easier to work around. They both get piggyback rides. He doesn't miss Jason and Dick being upset about that.

But He also doesn't miss the blurry sadness in Tim's eyes when Bruce needs a minute of rest after, or that he's looking Baba in the eye instead of up at him.

He doesn't miss Cass' joy dulling slightly when Bruce can't quite toss her in the air as easily as he used to.

" What are you doing, Habibi? It's bed time. We have to call mama for the goodnight call."

Damian nods. He makes grabby hands, an embarrassing habit he picked up from Dick, but not one he's willing to kill off from his system because it makes Bruce grin.

" I'd like to talk to her alone for a minute."

"Of course. I'll be right back, honey."

Damian's bedroom window gives him a clear view over the moon.

He sees the bat signal shining across the ashy Gotham skyline. He knows Bruce won't be right back until morning time, brusied and beat.

Damian says goodnight to his mother. He refuses to give any updates on Baba's dating life. No, mother, he won't skin Vicki Vale alive.

Damian googles How to stay small before going to sleep in Bruce's bedroom, where he finds the others already sleeping there

[superbat-love]

Batman and his special affinity with aliens. First Clark, and now his adopted alien starfish son Jarro.

[emo-batboy]

A Wild Battinson (Social Media AU)

Part 33 (Masterlist)

(Part 34)

@bruciemilf Do you have your bingo card, bestie?

[applejuicebegood]

The Softest of Jason Todd HCs

Fem!Reader A/N: Some of these were originally conceived for the lovely, talented, wonderful @midnightorchids. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FALLOW HER RIGHT NOW

Masterlist

Jason fell for you slowly. It was the kinda falling that took on the form of severe distraction and confusion during his patrol time. The only spot in his second life he had crafted into hours of precise control and expectancy. He hated how, as he was clicking a mag into his handgun, his mind would flash to your smiling, blushed face. He hated how you would unintentionally make him trip and stumble over the roof-tops of Gotham. He hated how recalling the chime of your laugh made his hands sweaty under his leather gloves. He hated how he had to take off his helmet in the seclusion of an abandoned wear-house because recalling how his hand slipped in to your on your last date made his face heat up to the point where he felt like he would pass out.

Once he realised that the nervous pounding in his gut whenever your shoulders brushed was in-fact caused from a growing crush on you, he panicked. The eventual confession was awkward and stumbled, him making it clear that he needed time and room to figure it out. He took your smaller hands into his, promising that no matter what, for now he would figure it out with you at his side. Of course you agreed, squeezing his hands in confirmation.

Ya'll are soulmates, period. Very big 'he is half of my soul' energy. Your bodies fit together like puzzle pieces. Your words have already been said by the other before you can string them together in your head. You share in each-others grief and rage. Five years into the relationship, Jason knew you so well (and being raised in a family of detectives) that you would never have to explain your frustration or annoyance - and on days like that he would always be ready to wrap you up in a weighted blanket, forcing a cup of raspberry tea into your cold hands and his headphones over your ears with one of his audiobooks already playing. Carrying you to your shared bed for you to fall asleep leaned up against his chest, his thick arms wrapped tightly around you.

Despite his availability of wealth and status, he keeps your date-night very low-key and personal. On his off days from Red-Hooding, both of you would have cooking nights. Where you would sway and giggle with the slow drift of music coming from the kitchen radio. You would make something hearty and filling. You wanting to see Jason sigh in the comfort of good food. You both would curl up with your steaming bowls on your couch, probably watching Tangled (at your request). It's all extremely cozy, Jason smiling into your skin as gratitude blooms in his chest for you. For having created this safe, hidden expanse of reassurance. All while the harsh Gotham wind whipped just outside your window.

This man is smitten- he worships you entirely. His is in awe of you, even as both of you grow old, his love and his care for you never relents or dwindles.

Ya'll would go to museums and art galleries and he would point at statues and paintings of goddess and queens and say 'you', under his breath. It's so horribly corny but it makes you hold his arm just a bit tighter every time.

After you both moved in together, he developed a habit of making your coffee alongside his and bringing it to you in bed in the mornings. This eventually just became your routine on weekends when you both had enough time to bask in the slow creeping of sunlight over each-others skin.

He's a romantic at heart, a part of him you had to slowly unearth under years of torment and blood. You were the one to force him out of his cave of isolation and into the reality of him deserving softness and joy. It's a dept you have assured him he doesn't need to pay back. That doesn't stop him from trying.

Giggles and smiles like a little boy if you kiss his forehead, specifically at the roots of his white streak. You think it's one of the prettiest things about him.

Unintentional scary dog when you guys are out together. He's got his hand laced with yours or floating somewhere on your hip or lower back. It's mostly due to his anxiety, constantly having his head on a swivel. It's all heightened due to the fact that he has the most precious, important individual standing next to him. Whether it's at one of his Dad's galla's or trips to the local library, he likes to have you near him.

Bitch has multiple playlists made about/for you (a lot of Noah Kahn and TV Girl)

Example:

A/N: I may be gay but I have a very special place for sappy Jason in my heart. Please send in any requests regarding our boy (or any of the bat boys or girls)- I really love writing for the people in this fandom.

[remosdeerica]

Damian Loving His Family HCs

Damian pretends that switching Tim's coffee out for decafe is a prank to mess with him, when really he does it because he's worried about Tim's caffine intake.

Damian made sure to memorize the exact way Alfred tucked blankets around his family members when he found them sleeping so that when he does it, his family just assumes it was Alfred.

Damian knows that music is something that helps calms Bruce down when he's stressed so he will make sure to practice his violin where his father can hear him.

When Damian has trouble sleeping, he will often go around the Manor tidying/dusting/washing things so that Alfred has less work to do in the mornings.

Damian often makes up excuses for Jason to babysit his various animals because he noticed that they help with his brother's stress and anxiety.

Damian made Dick a coupon book for his birthday. Said coupons include "free 60 second hug" a "free forhead/cheek kiss" and a "trip to any so called 'fun' location provided adequate time is given to prepare mentally for the ordeal".

Damian will intentionally rope Duke into "youngest sibling shenanigans" in attempts to make him feel more at home in the Manor.

Part 2!

[ghost-bxrd]

Don’t mind me, I’m just ugly sobbing over these two like— 😭😭😭😭😭 Bruce honey what happened? You were such a good dad 🥺

[dreamsfullofwoe]

The Yandere version of the Batfamily would likely respond to their darling's attempt to escape with intense possessiveness and obsession. Each member would exhibit different behaviors, but generally speaking, they would employ various tactics to prevent their darling from leaving. Batman might become even more vigilant and resourceful, using his skills and gadgets to track and apprehend them. Batgirl might become increasingly protective, resorting to stalking and intimidation to keep their darling within reach. Robin might display a mix of devotion and manipulation, using emotional tactics to dissuade their darling from leaving. Ultimately, the Yandere Batfamily would go to great lengths to ensure their darling remains under their control, potentially leading to dangerous and unhealthy situations.

[emotional-piece-of-meat]

Thinking about batboys doing average father-son activities with Bruce.

Dick and Bruce go shopping. Alfred did, does and, probably, will do it until the end of time, but since Dick lives in Blüdhaven he prefers to do it by himself. Sometimes Bruce offers help, sometimes Dick accepts it. At such moments, Dick lets Bruce pay and completely enjoys his nepo baby life. Bruce still doesn't know the value of money and can't estimate the cost of groceries, Dick still likes being wheeled around on a cart. He barely fits in there and the rest of the customers look at them weirdly, but Bruce has been used to close attention and has never been able to turn Dick down. They recklessly rush through the departments while new articles about the eccentric Brucie appear in the newspapers, then both get scolded by Alfred for buying all sorts of useless junk.

Jason and Bruce read together. Wayne's library is one of a few places in the mansion where Jason appears regularly and willingly. They don't even talk, just sit in one room, mostly in silence, punctuated by snorting or brief comments. Bruce has a lot of books he planned to read but always put off, so he uses this time to good advantage. Jason acknowledges his existence with a slight nod and on good days sits closer, almost enough to be in Bruce's space. Jason often rereads books, writes notes on transparent stickers that Alfred gave him and chews a pencil, thinking. Sometimes Bruce finds books on the table in his office, the same transparent sticker invariably says "You would like it" with a postscript in smaller letters at the bottom "or not, I don't care". Bruce always smiles softly, adding it to the top of his list.

Tim and Bruce go to the skate park. They both wear sunglasses and casual clothes, but those few parents who come with children still whisper to each other. For the first few times it's kind of awkward, Bruce is unsure what to do and Tim isn't used to attention from his parents, but they cope. Bruce ruffles Tim's hair, enjoying the way his eyes light up, and tries his best not to jump up every time Tim falls. He wears a protective gear set, Bruce insisted, and they both know that Red Robin has been through the worst, but Bruce has little control over the mother hen regime. In the evening, coming home, they buy ice cream and coffee for the night extracurricular activities, and if Tim pretends to be asleep while Bruce carries him out of the car, no one mentions it.

Damian and Bruce go to the cinema. Damian isn't used to pop-culture, and Dick is convinced that this tragedy should be solved. Damian says it's a senseless waste of time and he has more significant stuff to do, but always looks forward to these days. It's mostly cartoons, ideally with animals in the main roles. Damian loves cartoons, and he is less ashamed of admitting it when Bruce says he loves them too. They eat something that Alfred would disapprove of, stay for a short time after the credits and constantly walk home by foot. Damian doesn't ask for uppies, he would never, Bruce picks him up and puts him on his shoulders anyway. Damian likes to be on high, for Bruce it's not even a workout, just a warm-up weight and he tries not to think bitterly that he isn't able to do this with his other children anymore. Sometimes they talk quietly, sometimes just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes Damian falls asleep, knowing perfectly well his father won't let him fall, and Bruce holds him tightly to not let him down.

It's weirdly cozy for their life, almost normal. It's not better, they would choose vigilante life anyway, they already did, but it's nice to feel from time to time. They appreciate it, even if they don't say it out loud.

[ky-landfill]

[tinkerbelle05]

How would Battinson react to his kids, his babies, dating, and growing up?

The first was Dick. He saw the growing embers of something more than friendship between him and Wally. The longing stares when one thought no one was looking, the longer than necessary touching, the blushes. It seemed like everyone could see but those two, and it was cute.

It stopped being cute when Dick entered his office one afternoon. Bruce hadn’t known what personal space was since Dick got comfortable with him. Dick would frequently invade it by jumping on Bruce’s back for an impromptu piggyback ride, though those were things of the past the older and bigger Dick got, or just giving him a bear hug.

But this was different. The way he actually walked rather than ran, the way his demeanor was more closed off and hesitant rather than open and relaxed like it usually was.

He walked to meet Dick halfway, abandoning his work. He gently held his shoulders.

“What’s wrong, Chum?”

Dick took a deep breath, in and out. “I have a boyfriend! It's Wally.” He blurted out and looked at Bruce.

Bruce saw fleeting hope of acceptance, of love in Dick’s eyes. But he also saw uncertainty of rejection in them too.

“That’s great, chum. Who confessed first?” Bruce was happy for Dick, he deserved happiness, especially in their line of work. But a small part of him felt bitter about it.

Not Wally himself, he knew the kid for years and he was a good one. But of what he represented, his birds were growing up and leaving the nest. Leaving him. Now, Bruce was happy to see his children growing into themselves. However, he feels like he isn’t needed anymore.

Why would they need a protector, who isn’t even that good at it anyway, when they showed again and again that they can provide for themselves?

The announcement reminded him of Jaime and Jason, he liked him and Damian certainly did, but his kids’ were leaving. Like, today Jason and Damian canceled dinner to be with Jamie and his family for dinner.

But this wasn’t about how Bruce feels. So even if it was bittersweet he listened to Dick rave about Wally.

Giving Bruce so much detail, he wasn't sure if this even was the same person, but he guessed being childhood best friends are different from being boyfriend.

“Alfred, have you seen Tim? He is not in the Cave or his room.” They were working on a hard and gruesome case, and just when Tim was healing from that nasty cut he got last night. Bruce knows how Tim gets when they have cases like these. He would work from day to night until he gets an answer, and that is if he doesn't fall asleep first. Even if he was recovering, and that missing spleen of his didn’t make things better.

It was one of the many things he neglected to teach Tim when he was first Robin, to have a good work-life balance, not that Bruce could talk but still, too filled with grief to see. But he is making a change, and that is starting with getting Tim to bed.

“No, I haven't, Master Bruce,” the butler answers, “but I’ll be on the lookout for him.”

Bruce gave a nod and continued to search the Manor looking for his son. He’d done this before, hiding from Bruce, because he knew what will happen. It’s childish and oftentimes annoying but a tiny part likes taking care of Tim. Tucking him into bed, kissing him on the forehead, and closing the door slowly.

Eventually, he does find Tim, he’s in Bruce’s room. His black hair, which was in that middle stage of looking long while short, looked like a bird’s nest and his eyes were dazed like he had taken a nap. His disheveled sheets and blankets were evidence of that.

“Good afternoon, Timmy.” Bruce greets him with a small smile.

Tim blinked at him like an owl and he came to his senses slowly. He looked like a misbehaving child who got caught red-handed with contraband cookies.

“Shit!”

“Language” Bruce corrected automatically. Raising kids for years will do that to you, especially Jason and Duke.

“Sh– shot! Sorry B I'll go.”

Bruce leaped forward to stop Tim’s frantic movements. “Tim, you don't have to leave or anything. I'm fine with you staying in my bed. I was just looking for you all over to take a break. But I see you’re already doing that..”

Red paints over Tim’s ears and neck and attempts to look away from them. “Well duh, I'm not a kid anymore B.”

His last all-nighter was 2 days ago. Duke found him in the dining chair.

Tim looks him straight in the eyes, “I heard you talking to Alfred. I was worrying you with my bad self-care habits and I decided to grow up. Besides, I can't live how I used to, especially without my spleen.”

Now it was Bruce’s turn to look surprised. He thought he would never see the day. But why are tears threatening to spill out then? Why was there a hole forming in his heart then? He should be happy, his children are growing into fine young men and women. So why....?

“Woah, woah, Bruce!” Tim’s alert voice yelled for him, breaking Bruce from his thoughts to see that tears were actually forming.

“Oh, don't mind me,” he shrugged Tim off and blinked the tears away. “I have some work that needs to get done, so you go rest up.” Bruce pushed Tim into the bed and tucked him into the covers, kissing him on the forehead, and closing the door slowly. A routine he’s done multiple times with multiple children, and his mind wonders when they’ll ask him to stop doing that.

He ignored Tim’s shouts to come back and closed the door. He walks aimlessly through the quiet and empty manor. It’s been ages since the building was filled with sound and laughter, now it sits in silence. So quiet Bruce can hear his footsteps echoing throughout the halls when 2 months ago he couldn’t even hear what Duke was saying while Tim and Damien engaged in their weekly arguments about everything and anything.

Oh, Duke. Gotham’s daytime vigilante, one of her many victims. He came to Bruce unsure in everything he was doing but nowadays he’s grown sure in his actions. On the last patrol, Tim had gotten hurt badly and the only way out was for Duke to drive. He didn't need Bruce or Babara to guide him.

His kids were growing up, and soon, they wouldn't need him anymore.

[bruciemilf]

The Wayne manor is not a quiet place.

Someone Is always doing something, talking about anything, teasing, bantering, playfully slandering, so Bruce grew accustomed to noise. Its hard not to, with his nest of birds.

But this particular topic has him on mute;

"Why do YOU get him when he's old?"

" Oh my GOD, Jason, I'm LITERALLY the oldest. You ALWAYS have to get everything!"

Jason isn't at all interested in Dick's dramatics. He wraps all 6'4 inches around Bruce's leg like an affectionate leech. "You're the fucking meanest! You'll probably feed B those gross ass protein shakes and force him to watch re runs of Realest Housewives of Gotham!"

"YOU TRIED TO BLOW HIM UP!"

Cass is strong like a tsunami and silent as a snake, jumping on Bruce's back, beautiful eyes full of threat. " Dad stays. Mine."

Bruce pipes up, " I have a retirement plan--"

"Getting railed everyday at the Kent farm isn't a retirement!"

Tim gives Steph a look of disgust. "Gross."

Damian isn't above pulling out his swords. " If I don't get Baba, everyone is dying. Me included. "

"Damian. What did I say about threatening your siblings with murder?" Bruce asks expectantly.

" Oh, I'm not threatening, baba. I'm making a vow."

Alfred doesn't pry his attention from the chamomile tea he's preparing. " Master Bruce stays with me."

"...Alfred, I don't think you'll...You know, be around when Bruce retires--"

"Was that a contradiction?"

They all gulp. The argument is settled quickly, and Bruce spends the rest of his evening with head on Alfred's lap and his hand in Jason's hair, petting like a cat, and listening to RHOG on the TV.

He loves the noise.

[padsmoony04]

I'm a stronger believer that Jason Todd has freckles in his back. Why? There is no need for me to explain or articulate about it, I just know it, and if you don't agree, then don't talk to me.

[emo-batboy]

Battinson on SNL

Idk how popular Saturday Night Live is outside of the US so there will be some links for context. That said, as a New Jersey native, I think Battinson would totally watch the show. And since he's a celebrity...👀

SO

To promote WE’s newest charity fund, Alfred signs Bruce up to be a guest host on SNL (à la this post) The announcement is made, and everyone’s like “oh this is going to be a disaster. That man can’t even hold eye contact or speak a full sentence without crying.”

But oh, that’s why it’s so funny.

Now, hear me out. Bruce’s strengths are displayed best when he’s himself. That’s why he’s so popular in Gotham. That’s why the internet calls him Relatable TM and a Disaster (Affectionate) and “Poor Little Meow Meow.” It’s his ✨ essence ✨

But he tends to get overwhelmed or self-conscious onstage, right? Because he can’t be Himself himself if he has time to overthink something. So after a few meetings with Bruce, the writers of SNL figure out the perfect way to keep Bruce from getting anxious.

They decide to load this episode with as many skits where Bruce plays different caricature-like versions of himself as possible. The objective? Make him break character and laugh so he doesn’t overthink. And if he breaks character, he’ll still technically be in character because he’s playing himself, you know? Genius.

So that’s how they go about structuring the show. During the few days they have to write, they decide to take everything about Bruce’s public image and either ramp it up to 11 or turn it on its head.

He speaks quietly? Turn it into a running gag. He dresses in all black? Make him emo. He tips well? Add that in too. He’s “depressed” and “sad?” Literally, all he does on screen is laugh and break character. What’s not to love?

Of course, Bruce also gets to decide what skits are in each episode as well. (Refer to this if you have no idea how SNL works.) He loves the idea, though, and he has a surprisingly dark sense of humor which bleeds into some of the sketches. They add in a few skits without him, and they’ve got their lineup.

It’s the wildest episode of the season. Here are the highlights:

OPENING MONOLOGUE

It’s the big night, everyone’s excited to see Bruce Wayne hosting a live sketch comedy show with no idea how it will turn out.

To begin his monologue, Bruce walks on, opens his mouth to start talking, and immediately two cast members appear as stagehands to set up six microphones in front of him. He is already struggling to keep himself together.

Bruce: “You may be wondering why I’m host- Cast Member: *adds one more tiny microphone to his chest* Bruce: “You may be wondering why I’m hosting tonight.”

It’s working. The audience loves it.

Halfway through, Kate McKinnon comes out in a dark cloak with a chalice. “Your sustenance, my lord.” *sees camera* “Oh. Sorry. Carry on.” And she shambles off. Bruce has to take a second before continuing.

Bruce knows when (most of) the jokes come. It’s literally on the cue cards, but he still falls into a fit of giggles.

There are a few more gags, including Lex Luthor peeking out from behind the band set-up, all teasing the show to come.

Overall, an amazing way to set the tone for the episode. Expectations have been set. Then the skits begin!

(Oh but before I forget: During every single live skit with Bruce, the writers have scheduled for one of the cast members to run in dressed as a stagehand and put an extra mic on him. They do not tell him when it will happen.)

SKIT #1

Between the monologue and the first skit, he has to do a really fast quick change, but to everyone’s surprise, Bruce is a natural. (Huh, wonder why.)

The skit is called Gotham PTA Meeting. We open in a meeting room full of stereotypical PTA moms setting down baked goods and gossiping. And apparently, there is a new PTA member attending today 👀

Right as the meeting starts, he enters. Bruce walks in wearing the most emo get-up imaginable. He’s got a Nirvana shirt, a comical amount of eyeliner, black skinny jeans, chain accessories, metal rings, AND a clip-in extension to give him fringe.

Someone immediately runs in and puts another mic on him.

PTA Mom: “Oh, Bruce! You made it! Did you bring a snack?” Bruce: “I brought lemon bars.” PTA Mom: “Why are they black?” Bruce: “They match my soul…they’re also vegan.”

He talks like a moody teenager. HE CONSTANTLY has to brush the fringe off to the side to read the cue cards. And because there’s so much eyeliner and he’s sweating a bit from the lights, it starts running everywhere.

PTA Mom: “Bruce, you’re a little quiet. What are your thoughts on increasing the school lunch budget?” Bruce: *eyeliner dripping down his chin* “I think it’s a great idea.”

SKIT #2

For a pre-filmed skit, they bring back the Chad character with Pete Davidson.

It’s 2 am, and Chad is working at a 24hr drug store in Gotham. He’s reading Twilight (the book is upside down) when the lights begin to flicker.

He turns around and tries the light switch, turns back around, and JUMPSCARE it’s Bruce dressed as Edward from Twilight.

Yes, he IS sparkly.

Bruce is awkwardly holding a bunch of items, all concerning. He plops down a few knives, several raw meats, Sudafed. Chad: “Oh hey.” Bruce: O_O “I’d like to check out please.” Chad: “Lit.”

Chad’s “No Fucks Given” energy and Bruce’s “Please Do Not Perceive Me” energy clash like titans. The whole skit centers around it.

Bruce: *sweating bullets* “Oh. You’re reading Twilight?” Chad: “Just the title.” Bruce: *throws the book through the window at lightning speed* “It’s not very good. You should probably read something else.” Chad: *shrugs* “Okay.”

Chad: “ID?” Bruce: “ID? For what?” Chad: “Sudafed.” Bruce: “Oh. I don’t really need that, actually.” Chad: “Already scanned it.” Bruce: “Haha. Of course.” *awkwardly produces a scroll from his pocket that says Bruce Wayne DOB: 1901* Chad: “Okay.”

Bruce checks out, Chad picks up a porno mag or something, and we see Bruce turn into a bat and fly off through the window behind him.

SKIT #3

The next skit they have is Celebrity Family Feud: Billionaires Edition. Again, Bruce plays himself, but he’s more of a background character. Instead, the skit makes fun of billionaires as a whole.

Bruce’s team consists of Kylie Jenner, Lex Luthor, and Oliver Queen. So just imagine three Lucille Bluths standing beside one another. 

Bruce’s bit? He just keeps handing cash to Steve Harvey every time he breathes in his direction.

Host: "We got the richest man in the world: Bruce Wayne!" Bruce: *hands him a roll of cash* Host: "Oh, what’s this for?" Bruce: "It’s your tip. I always tip." Host: "Oh, Mr. Wayne, you don’t usually tip the show host. I’m also a millionaire myself." Lex Luthor: *snatches it* "Well, if you’re not going to use it, I will…for charity, of course." Host: "Uh huh, whatever helps you sleep at night."

Just a ton of fun quips, the usual.

At some point, Harvey says, “That’s batty.” Bruce: *ducks* “Where?!” Host: “Oh, I don’t mean Batman. He’s not here.” Bruce: “You don’t know that.”

This time, the mic bit is a bit different.

Host: “We asked 100 billionaires: How much does a loaf of bread cost? Top three answers are on the board.” Bruce: *hits buzzer* Host: Bruce, your answer is? Cast Member: *runs in with a megaphone and holds it in front of Bruce* Bruce: “TEN DOLLARS?”

Board dings! That was the #1 answer

Brucie Wayne for the win

SKIT #4

Next is a skit that dares to ask Gotham, “Why would anyone live here?”

The skit begins with someone opening a press conference for Wayne Enterprises. “And now presenting: Bruce Wayne!” Bruce walks in…

But it’s not him. Instead, it’s one of the cast members dressed in a black suit with horribly gelled brown hair.

Everyone in the audience is wondering where the actual Bruce is before another cast member runs onstage crying, “Help! Help! I’ve just been robbed! Somebody call Batman!”

A mini version of the bat-signal lights up…

We hear some generic hero music play…

And there he is: Bruce Wayne dressed in a horribly cheap Batman costume

(They got the cowl ALL wrong btw)

Bruce puts his hands on his hips in a weird superhero pose. Bruce: “I’m Batm-” Cast Member: *runs out to attach another mic to his costume* Bruce: “….I’m Batman!”

Cue all of the gags and digs against Batman. The fake Bruce faints then starts crying under a table. Someone calls Batman a furry. Bruce is barely keeping it together the whole time. Lord help him, but he asked for it. He approved the skit.

Bruce: “Looks like a job for my bat taser!” Cast Member: “Isn’t that just a taser with a bat on it?” Bruce: *whispers* “You shut your mouth.”

He saves the day, the police take the thief into custody, then Batman myStErioUsly disappears. Bruce: “Look over there!” *runs off* Cast Member: “Oh my gooood, how did he do that?”

CLOSING SEGMENT

Finally, they have the Weekend Update where Bruce comes on as himself for the final time.

Since they got his permission, the writers switch out some of Bruce’s jokes last minute. (Think Bill Hader’s Stefon which notoriously caused him to break character because the writers would mess with his cue cards.)

News Anchor: “Here to promote his newest humanitarian project: Bruce Wayne!” “Mr. Wayne, what a pleasure to see you today.” Bruce: “Thank you. This is probably the longest I’ve been out of the house.” News Anchor: “Since the Riddler catastrophe?” Bruce: “Since ever.”

News Anchor: “So Mr. Wayne! Before you make your announcement, any life updates?” Bruce: “Yes, actually. Just a few days ago, I adopted five- *starts losing it* five more children.” News Anchor: “Wow, really? So you have eight kids now.” Bruce: “Uh huh. *tears streaming down his face* One more orphan and I get the tenth one free.”

News Anchor: “So where can people find you online?” Bruce: “Well, I don’t have social media because I’m afraid of people, but sometimes I’m on Twitter.” News Anchor: “What about a phone call?” Bruce: “Oh no, phone calls- *giggle* phone calls give me fainting spells.”

It’s a great way of finishing the show, with the most genuine version of Bruce. Then, he gets to what’s really important!

News Anchor: “So if they can’t reach you on social media or on the phone, what else can our viewers do, Mr. Wayne?” Bruce: “They can donate to the Wayne Foundation’s newest charity called The Arts Initiative. It funds programs for the arts in underdeveloped school districts nationwide. I’ve already donated $30 million, and I’ve pledged to match every dollar donated within the next week.”

And that’s what he’s here for :) They share a link for where and how to donate. The anchors praise him for his charity, which he deflects because he can definitely afford this, and the 90-minute broadcast is over.

The camera pans away with the whole cast waving goodbye, and Bruce is seen keeling over with laughter.

Along with some of the other skits, these four specifically go viral. WE raises a fuck ton of money, and everyone loves Bruce.

THE END

LOVE YOU ALL!! Let me know what you think :D

[rjnonymous]

the batfamily's main love language is physical touch

[formerheroeswhoquittoolate]

how much do you want to bet that damian offers his siblings pets to cuddle when they're upset.

damian was raised by the league of assassins. they're not known for teaching their proteges how to comfort others. but also, despite his admittedly stabby tendencies, damian is a good kid. and he cares about his siblings. he wants to be comforting -- god knows dick and his octopus hugs are good at it, or jason and his quiet, reassuring company, or cass's perceptive ability to tell just what someone needs, or steph's cheer or babs's wisdom or tim's problem-solving or even duke's slightly bewildered sympathetic listening -- but he doesn't quite know how.

he does know that it helps him to hold his pets when he's upset, though. so after one particularly rough day, he goes up to one of his upset siblings and holds up alfred the cat.

it works. it's not the same as being comforting himself, but it's a start.

[nightwolf14292]

Late Night Patrol

Just imagining half asleep Damian after a long patrol practically falling asleep on his feet and Bruce goes to pick him up but Damian doesn't fight him, just lets him, and as Bruce is tucking him into bed he mutters a quiet "Love you, dad.." Right before he passes out, which is like the only time he's ever said that ever and it's one of Bruce's favorite moments with one of his kids <3