#the office but it's the Batfamily

[qcomicsy]

The Office but it's the Batfamily.

Bernard (To the camera): I think Bruce hates me.

---

Bruce (to the camera): I am very glad Tim, found himself dating someone. I don't think there's someone who would ever be enough to any of my children.

Bruce: But he is happy. So I am happy as well.

---

Bernard, invited over to dinner: That's. . . Um, A very nice mansion you have here sir. Really big. Big enough to hide an secret passage to clones but–

Tim, gesturing to him to shut the fuck up: HAHAHAHA ISN'T HE FUNNY?! (whispering) ᴮᵉʳⁿᵃʳᵈ ᴵ ˢʷᵉᵃʳ ᵗᵒ ᵍᵒᵈ.

Bernard: WhichI'mnotimplyingyoudoanyway. But– IT'S NICE. Really nice. Thanks for uh inviting. . . Me.

Bruce, glaring: Hn.

---

Bruce (to the camera): Dick told me to make a "chit-chat". Be sure that our guest felt welcomed.

---

Bruce (to Bernard): Did you gave it a thought about your internship yet? When I started medical school I had a great interest on how Gotham's Hospital deals with post mortem patients.

Bernard:

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Bruce (to the camera): I tried to find a common ground to make conversation. We both had similar majors, even though I've drop out

Bruce: I'm glad it was enough for a good starter.

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Bernard (to the camera horrified): He wants me dead.

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Dick (to the camera): HOW WOULD I KNOW HE WOULD PULL UP THE SERIAL KILLER TALK??–

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Steph (to the camera): There's something really uncanny in seen it happen to another person.

Steph: And also really fucking funny too.

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Kory (to the camera): The first time I got there I'm pretty sure was the time he made a contingency plan for me.

Kory: Which is cute. He thinking it would work but– Yeah.

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Barbara (to the camera): Me and Dick? Oh he stopped talking to me for several weeks.

Barbara: When he did, he said "You are making a mistake".

Barbara:

Barbara: Don't you hate when he is right?

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Kon (to the camera): I wasn't aloud to enter the house– I when I dated Cass, so–

Kon: Not that stopped me. But it still hurts.

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Cass (to the camera), shrugging: I liked his piercings.

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Bernard: . . . I didn't– Yet. No sir. I'm just, huh. . . Going with the flow?

Bruce: That's unfortunate. It's really important to always have a plan.

Bernard (gulps): You think?

Bruce: Yes. You never know what might happens next.

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Damian (to the camera): It was the best dinner I've ever attended in this house.

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Tim (to the camera): *Loud sight* I don't know what I was expecting.

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Jason (to the camera): Are we really just going to pass on how his boyfriend looks like a knock off Scooby-doo member?

Jason: Like he is rocking a StarStruck haircut– And we just?– Okay.

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Dick (to the camera): I mean it's not like Bruce is doing on purpose right?

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Bruce, grinning to the camera: Hn.

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Duke (to the camera): Oh he's absolutely doing on purpose.

[incorrectbatfam]

Bruce: Everyone has called me Boris all day. I think Tim paid them to.

[later]

Tim: Absolutely. Five bucks each and it was totally worth it.

[mikeluciraphgabe]

IM BACK

Part 11 master-post

[bruhseidon]

Dick, as Officer Grayson, being held as a hostage and was just interrogated: Alright, can we talk about something a bit more cheerful?

Y/N, a crimelord, the one responsible behind his situation: Anything you like.

Dick: …Do you like ABBA?

Y/N: I love ABBA.

Dick: Yeah?

Y/N: Yep.

Dick: What’s your favorite ABBA song?

Y/N: Dancing Queen.

Dick: Dancing Queen? Yeah. Yeah, it’s great, isn’t it? [starts singing “Dancing Queen” under his breath]

[jasonpetertoddx]

At the dinner table

Jason: [whistles]

Dick: [whistles in response]

Bruce: stop that.

Dick: stop what?

Bruce: you're talking about me in morse code.

Jason: yes, that's exactly what we're doing.

Jason: in our very limited time, we took a class in a very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you behind your back. Congrats, you've figured us out.

Dick, whispering to Tim: that's exactly what we did

[goodcopbatcop]

Cassandra Cain in Batgirl (2000) #13 | Dick Grayson in Nightwing (1996) #75

Pick the character that most represents a police officer, according to your own understanding. [more info]

[shyjusticewarrior]

DC Comics Incorrect Quotes Pt 200

Harley, to Jason: Kill Joker, don't kill Joker. Noodles!

Tim: I don't get it. I don't get what I did wrong.

Jason: Not everything's a lesson, Tim. Sometimes you just fail.

Jason: I did not steal it. I knowingly bought it from someone who stole it and I'm selling it at a profit. It's the Narrows way.

Duke: You're not from the Narrows.

Jason: I know, I'm just saying, it's the Narrows way.

[p1nkshield]

Bruce, breaking up a fight between Dick and Jason: I’m so sorry for putting you through this Diana.

Dick, breaking up a fight between Jason and Tim: I’m so sorry for putting you through this Bruce!

Clark breaking up a fight between Damian and Jon: I’m so sorry for putting you through this Diana!

Damian: I’m not sorry, he took my batbuger toy.

[declamationark]

Danny gets punted into the DC universe for some reason and proceeds to haunt Gotham because it’s gothic and there’s this hero cave with a bunch of cool tech (he misses Sam and Tucker) and this big family (he misses his mom and his dad and his big sis). He helps the vigilantes there with their battles and writes info he learns from spying on rogues on sticky notes (he misses clockwork) to leave by the files in the batcave. He thinks he’s being slick and stealthy but all the batfam realizes he’s there and basically pspspspspsps him into the family and somehow Danny never catches on

[weewoow-20706030]

I need Jason to hook me up with whoever is giving this man his outfits because where tf Is he getting them?!

Seriously, who in their right mind gave this fully grown man these outfits-

[aloha-obi]

HC that Dick spent most of his early years just following Bruce wherever he went- like he goes on all business trips to foreign countries and does his schoolwork (he’s homeschooled/private tutoring til at least high school) in Bruce’s office. He’s occasionally seen doing increasingly ridiculous stunts in the background of Bruce’s zoom calls. One time B just left the room and put a 10 year old Dick in charge for the rest of the meeting. The kid closed a business deal, declared a corporate wide policy for paid birthdays off and organized a bring your dog to work day. When meetings become too boring B puts himself on mute and plays catch with Dick until someone actually has something worth saying. And everyone remembers but it’s taboo to bring up that time Bruce got (accidentally) blasted in the face with a football while discussing budget cuts

[incorrectbatfam]

Selina: I'd lie for you.

Bruce: Yeah, but you lie all the time. You lie for no reason. Selina, you just like to lie.

[brokenstar28]

Random Rogue: Why are you named Robin? It's a stupid name.

Robin: "R" is a very intimidating letter. That is why it is called Murder, and not Mukduk.

[peoplepayforhousingquestionmark]

jason todd: if i was in a room with the joker, the riddler, tim drake, and a gun with two bullets, i’d shoot tim twice

[bruciemilf]

Do you have anymore headcannons for Martinez?

Youngest out of like. 9 siblings

Jake Peralta coded with a sprinkle of Jake Lockley thrown in

Surprisingly smooth??? That " Hey ;)" scene from Spider-Verse with Aaron and Miles but it's Martinez and Bruce, or Martinez and/or Dick/Jason

Watches Rupaul's Drag Race religiously. 50% of his vocabulary is just gay stan twitter references

Learning about Bruce's trauma surrounding guns, he stops using his; VERY handy with a taser gun, thought

" God, I hate men" " Martinez, WE'RE men" " Do I make you feel bad about YOUR flaws, Jim?"

You know how every workplace has that one guy that all the female co-workers just...Unanimously trust? That's Martinez; HAS punched a sexist bitch in the face for his female co workers, and he'll do it again. And take a selfie

I feel like Bruce really likes having him around but doesn't like visiting the precinct if he absolutely doesn't have to; That's how Martinez got hired as his personal driver

" I feel bought"

" You were worth the expenses"

" I feel EXPENSIVE "

MARTINEZ AND DICK!!!! MARTINEZ AND DICK!!! MARTINEZ THE FUN UNCLE!

" MCDONALD'S! MCDONALD'S! MCDONALD'S!"

Has a carpool karaoke song for each member of the family; Alfred listens to Celine Dion and Queen. Bruce insists on quietly bopping to Matchbox Twenty while Martinez punches the radio

Dick and him wig out to Lady Gaga and Dick WILL throw a tantrum if Martinez doesn't harmonize to the first part of " bad romance" also Beyonce; Beyonce all day everyday.

Jason LOVES Panic! At the Disco and they'll listen to House of Memories on LOOP. Even if Jsson cries sometimes when he's too drunk (also, Martinez has recordings of Jason drunk calling Bruce to tell him that he loves him and that he forgives him)

Tim canonically loves Green Day but I've never seen a character that reeks so much of " I listen to Britney Spears in my sleep " more than him

Damian loves K-Pop but he threatens Martinez to NEVER tell a soul; It's very embarrassing, 'Amm " Everything's embarassing, squirt. Let's get you some merch" he also has the Naruto soundtrack

Cass loves instrumentals of mainstream rock songs, and Martinez always lip syncs the actual lyrics to not single her out

Stephanie and him are One Direction stans and they scream " YOU'RE INSECURE DONT KNOW WHAT FOR" at like, 3 in the morning for her waffle run

Duke likes to pretend he's in a music video everytime and Martinez makes his playlist be just old vintage gangster music; " We here, boss" " Good. That's how we DO - omgthosekidsfromschoolsawme DRIVE DRIVE -"

Has a whole wife that NO ONE from the family knew about; " What? I don't tell you people everything. Except Barbie. Barbie knew."

Barbara, knowing this is gonna piss Bruce off so much: I was his maid of honor :)

Bruce: >:/

[endmylifelad]

Dick Centric Conversations

Dick: if we locked Bruce and Jason in a room together, who would end up crying first?

Tim: the room.

—

Dick, aggressively sneezes: oof that came out of nowhere..

Jason:

Dick: you’re not going to say “god bless you” or anything?

Jason: my presence is a blessing enough. Be grateful, you damn brat.

—

Dick, fed up with being called the golden boy: god damnit Jason. Grow up and move on. You’re acting like you’re five.

Jason: yeah, five heads taller than you.

—

Duke, running from a shootout as civilians: we shouldn’t have come. I knew it! We should not have come!

Dick: but we had to! Safety in numbers, remember?

Duke: yeah and there’s also death in numbers!

Dick: wh-

Duke: IT’S CALLED A MASSACRE, RICHARD!

—

Cop: you’re under arrest! Put your hands where I can see them!

Red Hood: you’re new, ain’t cha.

Cop: I said show me your hands and get down on the ground!

Officer Grayson: put your gun down, Dan. I got this.

Cop, hesitantly lowers his gun: okay…

Officer Grayson: Hood, need I remind you that Thanksgiving is coming up? I’m sure your family would hate it if you couldn’t go to your family’s dinner because you were in the locker…

Red Hood: you’re an evil bastard, you know that?

Cop: you know this guy?

Officer Grayson: unfortunately.

—

Nightwing: alright, I have decided to put my faith and trust in you.

Deathstroke: I can not think of a worse decision one could ever make. What is wrong with you.

—

Bruce: damnit Jason, what did you do this time?

Jason: you can’t be mad at me nor blame me for this! I was just minding my own business-

Dick: we all know that that’s a load of horse shit. Don’t even try to lie your ass outta this. I’m not cleaning or rescuing you this time, not after you stole my goddamn cereal.

—

Random guy at a bar, interested in Dick: hey there handsome, are you taken?

Dick: yeah, for granted.

—

Jason, third day of being Robin and stole the Batmobile: could you maybe not tell Bruce about this?

Dick: this isn’t even the worse disappointing thing you’ve done or will do in the future. And besides, I don’t tell B shit.

Jason: coulda just said that…

—

Dick: hey, want to hear a joke?

Roy: ugh sure. What is it.

Dick: why did the chicken cross the road?

Roy: don’t know. Why.

Dick: to get to the idiots house.

Roy: hilarious.

Dick: knock knock!

Roy, rubbing his face in annoyance: who is it.

Dick: the chicken!

Roy: Dick Grayson, I won’t punch you in the face on one condition.

Dick: what is it?

Roy: go tell that joke to Wally.