#SHIT THAT'S HOOD

[stickyvoidpaper]

Dick : Jasons been more, relaxed lately. It's unsettling.

Tim : Yeah, I've started spiking his water with mood stabilizers.

Dick : What

Tim : I've been thinking of doing it to the wider gotham water supply. Think about the crime rates.

[everwalldigan]

My favourite thing ever is when Jason is drawn to resemble Bruce because I KNOWW his ass would HATE it😭😭

Dick: hey Jason you haven’t forgotten our meet u— oh my god are you ok?? What happened?

Jason *rocking back and forth on the floor with a traumatised look in his eyes, whispering in horror* someone mistook me for Bruce in the grocery store today.

Random kid at a charity event pointing at Jason standing grumpily in a corner: who’s that?

Bruce (smiling fondly): that’s my son Jason!

Random kid: he looks like you! :D

Jason: *leaves the room*

Bruce (running after him): jason, Jason they didn’t mean anything by it, Jason, you’re going to jump off a balcony just because of a child’s observation Jason?

[bluejayscrying]

no thoughts just Jason blasting ‘white girl music’ on his motorbike as Red Hood

Minor villain: ahaha! The bats are nothing! I will easily beat them!!

*call me maybe starts playing*

Minor villain: oh shit

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Classmate or teacher: damian? Is someone coming to pick you up?

Damian: one moment *raises his head slightly*

*Superbass (Niki obvi) can be heard in the background at full volume, the ground shaking*

Damian: *heavy sigh* yeah my brother is here

[queenoftiddies]

Damian, a little eleven year old child, ten apples tall: This is my baby brother

Jason, a man the size and weight of a fucking fridge, whose age “reset” after the Lazarus dip: Hi.

[trashcattt]

grilled cheese

[mikeluciraphgabe]

Jason hitting the panic button in his sleep cuz he was still in his uniform and rolled over but because he’s in one of his safe houses the signal is all messed up and the Batfam is in chaos trying to find him but Jason is just “zzzz” the whole time

[fanaticalthings]

POV: You're on Gothamtwt

just gothamite things

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[hehether]

Batkids whenever someone insults Brucie/Batman badly on social medias

[batfamilycannons]

A daily occurrence

Jason, English nerd, Todd: USE OXFORD COMMAS, CUNT!

Tim, I dropped out of high school I’ll do whatever the fuck I want, Drake: No.

Dick, I speak like 17 languages fluently and still refuse to follow or learn the grammar rules in this one, Grayson: a what?

[firerose18991]

Literally anyone meeting bruce and his family for the first time: So how did you get so many kids by 30?

Dick: HE WAS A TEENAGE DELINQUENT

Jason: *shouting over him* HE LEFT MY MOTHER AT THE ALTAR

*tim is sitting, just happy to be included*

Bruce: BE-quiet.  They're ADOPTED!

Jason: *not a beat missed* Because he’s never known the touch of a woman.

[everwalldigan]

Bruce: *waking up in a hospital that he drove himself to after having a heart attack and telling absolutely nobody* hey…

The entirety of the batclan looking over him with Dick in the centre, an absolute terrifying grin on his face:

Dick: hello Bruce, nice evening isn’t it? Got something to share with us?

Edit: the fic is now out on ao3! https://archiveofourown.org/works/57780508

[ahfrickenfrick]

dick: i just think it’s really funny how you call tim pretender

jason: why

dick: roy and kori were MY friends first :(

jason: get over yourself

dick: and now tim has a speedster best friend too :(

dick: heh, guess you can’t beat the original blueprint 😙

jason: you really jumped from being upset to accepting that

dick: to be fair the one thing that bruce really taught us was to compartmentalize our emotions

jason: yeah that was really the only thing that has really stuck for me, huh?

dick: really pisses alfred off

[spicy-apple-pie]

Jason brings up the fact that he's changed Damian's diapers as often as possible.

[trashcattt]

yEaH “wHaT iF”

[radiance1]

Danny: Hey, I need you to be my boyfriend for a week.

Jason: What.

Danny: My parents are coming over and I've apparently accidentally talked about a partner more than once and only realized when they said they wanted to meet them.

Jason, currently still solidifying his power as a Crime Lord: Excuse me?

Danny: Let me get this out of the way, I do not consider you at all a person of romantical interest and a friend. But I need you to act as my partner for only a week until my parents go on their merry way over to my sister, okay?

Jason: Is there, quite literally, no one else to ask this?

Danny: You're my only friend who lives in Gotham, plus we share the same apartment.

Jason: That's almost sad.

Danny: You in?

Jason: Sure, why not.

===

Maddie: Danny, honey.

Danny: Yes mom?

Maddie: I don't mean to.... question, who you choose as your parent but. Well, me and your father was just wandering if he was a... [Maddie gestures with her hand] you know, one of those.

Danny, uncomprehendingly staring at his mother's hand: What.

Maddie: Oh dear, how do I bring this up. You know, one of those.

Danny: Mother I need more context.

Jack: If your boyfriend a crime lord!?

Maddie: Jack!

Jack: What? Beating around the bush wasn't helping!

Danny: Say WHAT?

===

Danny: Hey dude, thanks for helping with this even though you didn't need to!

Jason: No problem, I wasn't doing anything too [Crime Lord activities flash through his mind] important.

Danny: Can you believe my parents thought you were a crime lord though? Weird am I right?

Jason:

Danny: Jason. You are scaring me.

Jason: Haha, yea that's weird isn't it?

Danny: Jason.

Jason: Well, I have to leave now to attend to my totally real and totally not crime related job at the ice cream shop.

Danny: [Squints eyes]

Jason: [Internally sweating bullets]

Danny: Suuuuure, bring me back some ice cream though.

Jason: [Thumbs up and leaves]

[fanaticalthings]

I really like the idea of the bat kids designating Dick and Jason's apartments as sibling gathering spots but for opposite reasons.

Sibling needs some comfort? Some eldest daughter advice? A shoulder to cry on or just a lil getaway spot from the chaos of Gotham? Dick's apartment is perfect.

But if a batkid wants to complain, maybe wants to talk shit about Bruce, or maybe even wants to discuss a lil felony in a judgement free zone? Jason's place it is.

And I like to imagine that while Dick readily keeps his doors open and reminds anyone that they can drop by anytime, it's the opposite for Jason.

Dude's got his place riddled with traps and locked up to the high heavens. He makes it obvious he doesn't want visitors, and vaguely insinuates that there are bombs rigged somewhere in his apartment so there's a always a 50/50 chance you might get blown up if he's feeling particularly bitchy one day.

But does that stop his siblings? Absolutely not. Unlike Dick (who assigns himself as the guiding older brother), Jason has been forcefully labelled as the older sibling you go to if you need to complain and stir up havoc. The hundreds of traps in his place mean nothing. And it's worse because Jason is never prepared for when someone drops in.

-----

[Jason, 3 hours into his sleep, blearily waking up to a weight on his chest at 4am]:

[Damian, perched atop him, eyes dead-centre locked onto Jason without blinking]: Hello, Todd-stop screaming it is unbecoming-I just came to tell you that father won't allow me to adopt another stray I found on patrol.

Jason, half-asleep and like 70% sure he's hallucinating: Wha-

Damian: I need you to blow up his car.

Jason:

-----

[Jason, arriving home after a 6 hour patrol, exhausted out of his mind, turning on the lights]:

[Stephanie, previously baking brownies in the pitch black darkness before Jason arrived]: Oh hey! Just thought I'd drop by, y'know, for fun.

Jason: Bruce yelled at you again.

Stephanie: Bruce yelled at me again.

And yes, while most of the time, it ends up as wholesome sibling bonding, sometimes the other batkids just feel like inconveniencing Jason just whenever, because what are siblings for?

[Jason waking up and seeing all of his traps and security systems disarmed and very deliberately broken in a way where he'll have to replace all of them instead of being able to reactivate them]:

[Jason, immediately dialing his phone angrily]: Tim, I swear to GOD-

-----

[Jason giving himself a rest-day and cooking some meals]:

[Dick somersaulting in through the open window unannounced (he missed his brother)]: Whatcha up to, littlewing? :>

Jason: GET OUT-

-----

[Jason casually reading a book, feeling a sudden chill up his spine]:

[Cassandra standing in the corner without so much as an exhale, watching Jason intensely. Who knows how long she's been there]:

Jason: Are you here to kill me

Cass:

Jason: Just make it quick.