#batman shenanigans

[littleeyesofpallas]

Dumb bit of comic nerd shenaniganary I get my knickers in a twist about is how often people try to complain about that one time Batman and Batgirl had an awkward fling. And it's not like I ship it, it was half baked, with zero chemistry, and poorly written. But people will get all uppity about there being a problematic "age gap", which, for one, just is an immaterial thing in a work of fiction. But also it's just flat out wrong.

Bat canon is wonky at the very best of times, but there are a few anchoring events we are kind of expected to take for granted in any timeline that doesn't explicitly state otherwise:

Bruce starts Batman'ing at 25

Dick's parents die when he is 8, and in Year 2

It's not clear when Dick forms the Teen Titans, but the earliest it could be is 13, obviously.

When Barbara is introduced the Teen Titans already exist

When Barbara is introduced she works at the Gotham Libtary

Other than the 1966 TV show, this fact is extended to her having a MLIS; that's a 3 year degree, minimum.

90s continuity had her graduate high school at 16, this doesn't apply retroactively, but could be assumed of later iterations

part of her origin includes being inspired by Batman after overhearing a phonecall between Batman and Comissioner Gordon as a "teenager"

Dick drops the Robin moniker to go to college, implicitly around 17-18

Shortly after he dons the Nightwing moniker for the first time

(I'm not counting the nu52 timeline where she starts as a college undergrad because that one doesn't gel with any of the other versions and has to be its own standalone thing.)

Conveniently there is an overlap of constraints: if she is 13 in year one, the earliest she could overhear the phone conversation, and she graduates highschool early, then with 7 years of secondary education, the earliest she could debut at batgirl would be 22-23, which lines up with Dick being 16-17, nearly the latest time she can debut while he is still Robin. If she graduates HS at 18 she overshoots Dick's tenure as Robin entirely. This puts one cap on this.

But on the other hand, she can only get older than Dick if we try to nudge her timeline around. The other end of this is that if she overhears the phone call at 19, the latest she can, then she would have to spend a number of years between graduation and debut as Batgirl in order to give Dick time to form the Teen Titans at, at the earliest, 13yo. And that pushes her debut age to 25.

In either case, she is 6-12 years younger than Bruce, and conversely 12-6 year older than Dick. The split on Bruce:Dick:Babs ranging from 34:16:22 to 31:13:25. But, again, I don't think people who try to scrutinize the ""morality"" of fictional scenarios, least of all romantic age gaps, are in touch enough with reality to even warrant arguing with, but you see the problem with just the basic math, right?

She's a grown ass woman by the time she starts Bat"girl"ing and people just have this obnoxious hangup about infantilizing her all the damn time for seemingly no real reason, fans and actual creators alike. Is it because the name has "girl" in it? Is it because of some residual thing from Bette Kane being an obvious parallel to Dick? Or just the fact that they date at all? Is it just the general history sexism in superhero comics as a genre?

Also I didn't mention it because it's kinda firmly outside of consideration for this, but she even has a golden age story where part of her origins being inspired to be a superhero includes meeting Superboy as a teenager. They even dated for a hot second.

Seriously, people need to remember that she is decidedly not the same generation of heroes as the Teen Titans or even her seeming brand parallels like Super Girl or Wonder Girl --I won't try to nail down the Superfam and Batfam timelines, because they just do not play nice together, not enough to get a hard number on anyway, but Kara lands on Earth as a 17yo, vs Babs' aforementioned debut as a 20-something.

[luca-is-a-pengu]

The real reason why none of the bat-boys are allowed in the kitchen

[demonicsuffrage]

Jason definitely tries his best to keep his siblings out of crime alley but they just. Don't listen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim, arriving into crime alley while Jason's injured, to solve a case that Jason had stopped him from meddling in: Finally, He's not here

Jason, standing directly behind Tim, with a punctured lung and a gun full of horse tranquilisers: Boo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason, putting up a barricade in front of the alley: Stop coming into my territory already!

Dick, backflipping over the barricade and into Crime Alley: It's payback for when you cosplayed Nightwing and came into Bludhaven.

Jason: ...Fine

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Damian, at family dinner: Todd, I demand that you allow me entrance to the alley-

Jason, spraying him with water like a misbehaving cat: no.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steph, wearing camo print and openly walking into crime alley: You can't see me right now, so you can't kick me out

Jason:

Jason: Good one. You can come in for ten minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Barbara, trying to fly a drone over crime alley because Bruce wanted reports: This is foolproof

Jason, sniping down the drone: No.

Barbara: I jinxed it

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Duke just waltzes in and out because he works during the day and Jason doesn't. Cass also waltzes in and out because she blends so well with the shadows and he never spots her.

[sharksandjays]

Brucie and his babies (and oh no he forgot he invited Clark and Diana oh no-)

[pinkiemachine]

HEEHEEHEE….

Part 2 👇

[violent138]

Damian: "My grandfather drives faster than this, and he's dead!"

Jason and Steph, leaning forward from the backseat: "Ra's died?!"

Tim: "He's still alive. He literally never--"

Dick, rolling his eyes, hands clenched on the wheel: "Guys he means Thomas."

Steph, slumping back: "Wow, I legitimately forgot about that."

Damian: "Every word that comes out of your mouth is a reminder--"

Dick: *cranks up the radio loudly*

[qcomicsy]

Yeah I know we all want to see the bat get Batshit when he learns that Tim lost a spleen but have you ever considered he just having a big dad sight™ closing his eyes and saying:

"... Of course he did." while he holds the bridge of his nose and following up with. "Let me see the scar."

[vodrae]

AU where Jason, Cass and Damian meet in the League and cause so much chaos that a burnt out Ra's just dropped them with a note

"Two of them are yours the third one is free"

And Bruce rolls with it

[fanfic-writer-and-rambler]

Who do we know that did drugs? I got it!

Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne are standing in the Batcave, looking over some data on the Batcomputer.

DICK: None of us have done drugs or made drugs, but we need someone who's versed in it. Who?

BRUCE (excited, sudden realization): I got it! Call Jason!

DICK: He blocked you again?

Bruce looks a bit sheepish, but quickly recovers.

BRUCE (defensive): You’re not calling him?!

Sighing, Dick reluctantly pulls out his phone and dials Jason’s number. Jason answers, but before Dick can say a word, Bruce suddenly knocks him to the ground and snatches the phone from his hand.

BRUCE: Are you still friends with Roy? We need to learn how crack is made. We’re tracking someone!

There’s a pause on the other end of the line. Then, Jason starts laughing—slowly at first, then breaking into fits of uncontrollable laughter. In the background, a weary sigh can be heard that isn’t Jason’s.

JASON (laughing, catching his breath): I’ll ask him. Hey Roy—

ROY (in the background, exasperated): Fuck you!

Jason, still chuckling, responds to Bruce.

JASON: I think he can help us.

BRUCE: Oh, thank God.

Dick, now back on his feet, looks at Bruce with a mix of annoyance and disbelief.

DICK: You could’ve just asked for the phone!

[kit04kat]

I like to think that all the bat siblings just randomly drop insane lore about themselves. Like- they all have so much going on that there's no way to update everyone on everything so whenever one person mentions something crazy that happened in passing, the rest of the bats that didn't know are super chill about it. Except Bruce. When he finds out something he doesn't know, he always freaks out a little bit (control freak).

(Tim taking his daily antibiotic)

Bruce (trying to remember if something happened on patrol): Are you injured?

Tim (casually): No I'm alright. I've just had to take these ever since I lost my spleen.

Jason: Word. Good to be careful I guess.

Bruce (internally panicking): You lost your spleen?

Tim: well, maybe lost is the wrong word. I'm pretty sure Ra's Al Ghul still has it in a jar somewhere.

Jason: Not even surprised. He's creepy like that.

Bruce: ??!??!?!?!!

(Dick, Cass, Tim, and Bruce after patrol one night)

Tim: Hey Dick that was a cool move you pulled back there

Dick: Oh that? Yeah I learned that when I was apprenticing for Deathstroke.

Cass (nodding): Skilled fighter.

Dick: Yeah, situation kinda sucked but oh well.

Bruce: (Trying to piece together when the fuck that happened)

[littleeyesofpallas]

I feel like Matt Hagen and Kirk Langstrom should have like a completely non criminal based relationship just commiserating over having their fucked up DNA stolen and weaponized by people constantly. I want them both to just meet at a diner every so often where they have to justhave a long sigh with their head in theri hands as like the league of assassin Men-Bats or Calyface#8 show up on the news and fucking Jack Ryder name drops them in the abridged history of the moniker, and and they're just like, why does this shit keep happening...

[secretidentie]

Honestly it would be hilarious if Clark and Bruce started dating and Clark was unaware that Bruce was batman or knew his identity.

At some point Bruce kisses him as superman after a rescue and Clark is emotionally going through it coz his boyfriend kissed another guy. Even if that guy is technically him he's still mad and jealous of himself somehow coz even superman can't compete with Superman. He's not even sure whether or not to confronted Bruce about his affair since it keeps happening.

While he's trying to figure all this out Batman,of all people, kisses him. And he does it so casually. Sure, Clark had a crush on him for a while but he's over it now and he's in a committed relationship that he thought batman knew about. Now he's extra scared of confronting Bruce because he doesn't want it to look like he's just starting a fight so he can be with batman. And he's still hoping there's a way to work through this and for them to be together. He's being haunted by his moral code to just talk about this and get it over with but he's still afraid of losing Bruce and living in the shadow of the idolized version of himself again.

*Meanwhile in the batcave*

La la la Bruce, twirling around liking a fairy princess living his best life: my boyfriend's the best and every thing is perfect. Maybe world peace is real. Is this what happiness feels like?

The bat kids have tried giving him several rabies shots and an exorcism.

[wondersinwaynemanor]

imagine the brooding, intimidating Batman fighting criminals in the street when he hears this special ringtone in the comms and they're for specific people: his grandkids.

he has to hide in the shadows and goes Grandpa mode, clears his throat and coos lovingly to the comms to talk them.

Nightwing: Oh, he's cooing again.

Red Hood: Lian must have called and asked for more fruit loops.

or

Spoiler: B's doing that baby voice again, it's kinda creepy.

Red Robin: My baby must have dialed, he likes his grandpa's voice.

The rest of the batkids: WHAT BABY?????

Superboy: Our baby.

the batkids curse in different languages, confused and shocked.

***

when some of the rogues or criminals hear Batman in his Grandpa mode, they think he's gone soft.

nope. he's more determined, more restless, more protective, so he won't stop unless they're in Akrham or in jail.

but it's worth it when he comes home to little kids, who are excited to see him.

[sharksandjays]

Baby Timmy from my fic

[bats-and-the-birds]

Batfam meets the Justice League fic idea where it's actually just Oliver Queen in Star City attempting to hunt down Red Hood (who isn't even there doing crimes actually, he's just visiting Roy, but Ollie doesn't know this) except every time he tracks him down, he finds another costumed vigilante (Read: Batfam) attempting to get his help for something.

And like, Ollie recognizes them, of course. Because isn't that Nightwing? Nightwing who is actively on the Justice League? Why is he asking an infamous crime lord to come home for dinner?

And then, a week later, he's tracking down another Red Hood sighting and.... that's Red Robin. He's in charge of Young Justice, isn't he? And he just fought Red Hood in an alley and then stood up like nothing happened and bugged him for intelligence on a case he's working, and Red Hood gave it to him?

And it just keeps going down the list until Ollie's at his wits end and partially convinced that a handful of vigilantes on various teams, who he can't for the life of him think of a way they might be connected, might actually be corrupt and working with the mob, then he (begrudgingly) follows reports of another sighting of Red Hood and... that's Batman, arguing with Red Hood but not actually fighting or detaining him, so Ollie sneaks closer and listens to the conversation and... it's the dinner thing again. Family dinner, he hears a few seconds later, and someone named Agent A would really like it if Hood came home for a few hours.

Ollie leaves that situation somehow far more confused than when he started, and he was already extremely confused.

Roy is fully aware that this is happening the entire time and is having the time of his life.

[violent138]

More than half the League is betting at any time that they know when it's actually Batman under the mask, or someone else. Unfortunately, they were wrong when:

Dick was doing a phenomenal job of playing Bruce (didn't give himself away even once by smiling), because he fell asleep

Batman stubbed his toe against a table and swore like a sailor which led to cash exchanging hands as several people figured it was Jason, but Bruce had recently switched out of Matches Malone to dress up as Bats and hadn't shaken the Mindset yet

Batman's suit sat weirdly empty at the table and Oliver, annoyed, tried to tell Damian that this was too serious a meeting for Bruce to delegate, but it was Batman, hit with a de-ageing spell and too stubborn to sit out

After sustaining pretty serious injuries, Batman was whiteknuckling the table, in an awful mood, and nobody thought anything of it. Barry offered to help Bruce up (if the pain was keeping him trapped, trying not to insult Batman too much), and Jason tightly replied that if he moved the suit was going to tear.

Clark and Bruce had a bet for how long they could replace Bruce with a mannequin without anyone noticing, and because Clark kept looking over at "Bruce" and giggling (pretty par for the course for them), nobody noticed for five hours.