#Crack-post

[heliosthegriffin]

"So, who's the most dangerous member of team JNPR?" Yang asked the table unprompted, the rest of her team looking up from their food.

"Hmm, Pyrrha." Weiss said with little thought. "Perfect form, incredible strength and reflexes, she is definitely their ace in the hole."

"Really?" Yang held her stomach. "Nora's stronger, and her energy she brings to a fight is something else,"

Blake was silent in thought for a moment. "The question isn't who's strongest, or skilled, though. Pyrrha is their best fighter, but Nora is the physically strongest, but remember, the element of surprise and intelligence are just as deciding a factor in a fight. Ren's not as good a fighter, or as strong, but his mobility and aura control mixed with his ruthlessness, I think make him more dangerous."

"Elaborate." Weiss stated.

"Well, Nora is strong and energetic, but she's always going to come at you head on, so it's easy to counter her, if you don't fight her on her terms. Pyrrha better about that, but she's very civil, so she's not going to fight you outside of arena, unless you start it. Ren though? I can see him slitting someone's throat."

The rest of the table stared at her blankly.

"Nah, it's Jaune." Ruby said after a beat, drinking some milk.

"What?" Weiss said flatly. "You must be kidding. He's by far the least skilled, weakest, and most disgra-"

"Ok that's enough, princess." Yang cut her off. "But, she's got a point, Ruby."

Ruby shrugged. "Yeah, that's true, but-" She took a drink of milk. "What's Jaune's fighting style?"

Weiss huffed. "Simple, it's nothing, he doesn't have one."

"Yeah, it's kind of random style."

Blake thought for a moment, seeing a flash of triumph in Ruby's eyes. "Oh, that's your point."

Ruby gave finger guns at the cat-girl. "Exactly! You asked who's the most dangerous! It's Jaune, because, how you going to fight someone who doesn't know what he's going to do next?"

"What?" Yang and Weiss asked simultaneously.

Blake nodded along. "She's got a point, how are you going to react to someone who doesn't know what even he's going to do next?"

"Plus, have you ever been hit by him?" Ruby added, with no one stepping up to the plate. "His skill and style might not be great, but his strength is incredible, and his durability, endurance, and staying power are unmatched if you ask me."

"She's right, you know." A new voice interjected, all of team RWBY turning to face the sudden newcomer.

"Ren? Since when did you get here?" Yang asked.

"Since the beginning," He said simply, sipping from a juice box. "But, it's definitely, Jaune." His eyes became distant and foggy. "Always has been."

"Uh, you ok, buddy?" Yang putting a hand on his shoulder.

Ren went back to normal. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, the look of trauma on your face, just kind of,-"

"Don't ever get locked in a food-pantry with Jaune, there's no telling what he'll do, because even he doesn't know."

"How did that even occur?" Weiss asked. "Why were you two even-"

"Nora."

"Oh."

"Well, it's not like we ever have to worry about that."

====

"Jaune Arc, you're under arrest for suspicion of forgery to enter Beacon !" Harriet Bree stormed over to the blonde as he was stocking a shelf inside one of Beacons's storage closets. With a sound of confusion and a hand of tomato soup, he turned and let go, screaming.

Harriet, moving at full speed, had no chance to stop, as she knocked away the can of soup, only for another to fall at her feet, as Jaune dropped armfuls of soup to the ground. Harriet, going at full momentum, crushed the metal can underfoot, spraying it all over herself.

"Ah! Gross!" She wailed, still charging forward, only to step on another can and slip, flying up into the air and knock Jaune over. Jaune groaned as she knocked into him, recovering quick she mounted his chest, ready to knock him out.

Jaune reaching wildly, grabbed a shaker of pepper, slamming it into her face. Harriet felt her eyes water and nose sting, as she recoiled back, letting Jaune push her off of him, running for the door, Harriet behind him.

Flailing wildly, Jaune grabbed a broom, swinging it wildly around with knocking rows of preserved goods off the shelves and onto the floor, Harriet taking a wrong step trying to dodge the flailing, stepping into a puddle of oil from a broken bottle, sliding forward, right into Jaune's wild strikes.

Harriet felt her head ring and vision swim, then another swing connected, knocking her back and into a row of shelves. She went straight through it, and the shelves falling straight onto her with a groan, the sound of clanging metal and falling supplies consuming the room, as Jaune fled out the door, turning off the lights and locking the door behind him.

---

AN: Felt like writing some goofiness.

[ilynpilled]

trope i really like is self-loathing characters desperate for the catharsis of punishment for frankly rather selfish reasons who r also obsessed with repeatedly pressing others into hating them and hurting them as essentially a method of self harm. yes pls continue making it worse for urself and everybody around u instead of doing an actually productive and effective journey of improvement

[foerchen]

IN THE BATCAVE

Bruce: *sitting at Batcomputer minding his own business*

Jason: *getting ready for patrol*

Dick: *asks nicely*

Dick: Jay, could you hand me my escrimas?

Jason: *deadpans*

Jason: Go get them yourself, Dickface.

Tim: *walks in*

Tim: Jason, could you toss me my bo staff, please?

Jason: *no hesitation, tosses Tim his bo staff*

Dick: *shooketh*

Dick: Why do you help him and not me??? I'm your big bro, Little Wing!

Jason: Middle children have to stay together.

Dick: *confused af because Jay and Tim are his only brothers*

Tim: *curious*

Bruce: *frozen before turning around slowly*

Dick: Jason, you're the only middle child... right?

Jason: *laughs nervously*

Jason: Oh, would you look at that! Crime Alley is calling my name!

Jason: *runs*

---

SOMEWHERE IN NANDA PARBAT

Damian: *sneezes*

Damian: Somebody mentioned me.

---

LATER THAT EVENING

Talia: *on the phone with Bruce*

Talia: What! Me?! Hide a child of yours?!

Talia: *looks at Damian and a picture of Jason*

Talia: Never, Beloved.

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[everwalldigan]

Hear me out: Robin Dick would be the biggest Bruceman supporter and shipper.

This boy hates any of Bruce’s love interest with a passion because then his dad guardian spends less time with him and that’s obviously UNACCEPTABLE, SCANDALOUS even, so when rumours start circulating that Bruce Wayne is in a relationship with the Batman, he jumps right on the wagon.

Reporter, thirsty for a story: Mr Grayson what do you think about the rumours that Bruce Wayne is dating the Batman?

Dick: What do I think about my dads you mean? My very married very taken dads? My very faithful to each other plural dads?

He would fuel the rumours both as Robin and as Dick Grayson, punching criminals for talking bad about Wayne enterprises as Robin (“THAT’S MY STEPDADS COMPANY YOURE TALKING ABOUT!”). He would be on online forums all day talking about how Bruceman is the only Batman ship that makes sense and Doxxing people who disagree.

Bruce is so exasperated because this is happening at a time where only Alfred and Dick know his real identity so he can’t even do anything with ANYONE without making either Bruce Wayne or Batman look unfaithful.

Throw Reporter Clark Kent into the mix who has been sent to scope out the Bruceman story, who Bruce makes the mistake of flirting with at a gala. Both Clark AND dick are scandalised.

Dick, making a scene: HOW COULD YOU! BATMAN IS WAITING FOR YOU AT HOME AND YOURE HERE FLIRTING WITH SOME… SOME REPORTER??

Bruce, sighing: Dick-

Dick, tugging on Bruce’s suit and looking up at him with fake tears in his eyes: Dad, are you and dad getting a divorce? :(

Clark, panicking: NO NO THEYRE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE PLEASE DONT CRY

Meanwhile:

Bruce, crying in the corner: he called me dad

He would even go as far as insisting that Robin is his step sibling

Principal: how do you explain that whenever Robin is injured, Dick fails to show up at school the next day?

Dick: Robin and I are twins :) so when he’s injured I’m injured too and we have to stay home together!!

Bruce, whispering: I’m sorry, they’re not really twins but neither I or Bats have the heart to tell hem

[hinamie]

trick or treat!

[violent138]

Bruce showing someone his kids' pictures from when they were little: "And this is Jason--"

Jason: "That's a picture of Tim, actually--"

Bruce, fumbling with his wallet: "This is Barbara when she was younger--"

Babs: "Steph isn't even a redhead, how are you messing this up?"

Bruce: "This is Cass--"

Steph: "That's literally a cropped baby picture of you. What are you doing?"

Bruce: "You can't see it fully but this is Alfred with Dick--"

Damian: "That used to be a picture of me and Grandfather."

Bruce: "Here's a picture of Tim."

Batkids: *examining it*

Tim: "That... actually could be anyone."

Damian, simultaneously: "It's not ugly enough for Drake."

Bruce, oblivious to the fight breaking out: "And this is Duke."

Duke, spitting out water when he sees it: "How the hell do you have that?"

Dick: "Well at least he's two for ten."

Jason, going through the photos: "Why are some of these fucking stock photos?"

Dick: "You think that's bad? He's got a picture from the circus with Tim circled in the crowd."

[twistedappletree]

[sayangrafayel]

Caleb: I’ve been dropping her the most insanely obvious hints for like, years now. No response.

MC: Wow. She sound stupid.

Caleb: But she's not. She's really smart actually. Just dense.

MC: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”

Caleb: I guess you’re right. Hey MC, I love you.

MC: See! Just say that!

Caleb: Holy fucking shit.

MC: If that flies over her head then, sorry Caleb, but she's too dumb for you.

Caleb: MC.

[abcdfghjklmpqrobin]

"Dick should be the next Batman", "Cass should be the next Batman", "Damian should be the next–" "Tim–"

What if they're all Batman? What if no one actually wants to be Batman, so they just form a circle every night before patrol and throw the cowl at each other like a game of hot potato. Last to catch it is it. Or hurl it up in the air and see in whose head it lands on?

What then?

[sweeneydino]

T-pods.

[strawlessandbraless]

The fact that we know Dean and Cas routinely watch movies together yet they only ever showed us Cas watching TV alone, often distressed

We deserved to see their pizza, movie, and zen time

[deancasforcutie]

[fanaticalthings]

Jason Todd with his goons:

[olailamajnoon]

Dick, on the phone: *leans away* Clark says hi, guys.

Tim: Hi!

Jason: Hi.

Cassandra: Hi.

Stephanie: Hi.

Duke: Hi!

Damian: Hi.

Dick, on the phone: Clark they all say hi back.

Bruce to himself, so done: Truly a pinnacle of human communication. I say something they ignore me, but it's all 'hi' like synchronized idiots when it comes to Clark.

Clark, faintly audible: Bruce I heard that.

[faramirsonofgondor]

AU where the mayor of Gotham retires or dies or something, and the Batsiblings decide it would be funny if they ran for mayor. Except they don’t run as their civilian identities, but as they’re vigilante ones.

Dick won’t stop pouting because the people of Gotham refuse to vote for someone from Bludhaven, Tim is incredibly offended that he ends up tied with Dick for last place, Damian is smug that he beat Tim and indignant that people refuse to vote for him because he’s “a child”, and Jason preens but is internally panicking as more and more people vote for him. He wins by a landslide.

His first act as mayor is to increase Bruce Wayne’s taxes. His second is to ban Lex Luthor from entering the city. Someone tries to tell him it’s illegal to do that and he just… walks away. Eventually he starts to get a hang of this whole mayor thing and ends up working with Wayne Enterprises to strengthen housing and construction in poorer neighborhoods, he gives teachers raises, encourages trade school and alternative routes for henchmen, he adds diversity and inclusivity courses to public schools, safety programs and gas masks are made more accessible, and he reinforces the security and integrity of Arkham.

Of course there are still times where he misuses his power a little bit, but it’s never anything serious and most Gothamites watch in amusement as the scene unfolds.

Like just imagine:

Jason, dressed as RH: You’re not allowed in, you know what you did.

Dick, standing outside the Gates of Gotham, giving his best pouty expression in his Nightwing gear: Please, Hood! I promised Robin I would take him to the zoo after patrol!

Jason: You should’ve thought about that before you ate the last cookie Agent A made.

Dick, now wailing: This is abuse of power! Cruel and unusual punishment! I demand a lawyer!

Of course there are also the times when Jason decides to do something nice for his siblings, except it just ends up confusing the fuck out of everyone else in Gotham. On Dick’s birthday, he announces that there is now an Official Animal of Gotham, and most people are expecting a bat, or maybe a bird, or hell even a crocodile. Everyone except for Dick, Bruce, and Alfred are confused when it ends up being an elephant instead. Jason also decides to unveil plans for a Gotham Animal Sanctuary on the same exact day. Everyone is even more surprised when Nightwing jumps on Hood, entrapping him in an octopus hug as their mayor flails around trying to pry him off. It doesn’t work and Batman has to pick Dick up by the scruff of his neck to get him off.

There are also some of the odder, but somewhat sensible laws that are passed. Condiments are banned during the holidays and in schools (Condiment King could be heard sobbing throughout Gotham when this proclamation aired). No one is allowed to dress as clowns for any circumstance. The sewers are off limits to everyone except maintenance/construction workers, who must carry guns on them at all times. Lex Luthor’s birthday becomes Gotham’s Official “Fuck Lex Luthor Day”.

Then comes Jason’s most popular decision to date, he has The Joker reassessed mentally, and when he’s found as sane he pushes for the death penalty to be given (not that he really needed to - it was going in that direction already). He almost expects an angry lecture or fight with Bruce to occur, but Bruce just looks at him and says, quietly, “You’ve done a beautiful job, son, I couldn’t be more proud.”