#alfred pennyworth incorrect quotes

[bat-stuff]

Diana: So how’s the new Robin doing?

Bruce: oh? Uh yeah he’s alright

Meanwhile back at the manor:

Alfred: Master Timothy, the weather is lovely outside-

Tim: just a minute Alfred…Does Bruce know that the woman he met at the gala last night is Oliver Queen’s third cousin’s wife’s sister-

Alfred, who just wants Tim to go outside: I’m sure he-what?

[galaxymagitech]

Jason: Hey, Alfie! Which of us was the least crazy as a kid?

Bruce: Let’s face it. None of us were easy children. I dropped out of college and then dropped off the grid. Dick was a menace—

Jason: Nah, Dick’s the Golden Boy.

Bruce: He wanted to single-handedly hunt down a powerful criminal and thought the entire manor was a trapeze.

Dick: Well, Jason was like the perfect kid.

Bruce: He ran away, died, and started murdering people.

Jason: Fair. But the Replacement’s your perfect little soldier, isn’t he?

Bruce: He stalked me, he says incredibly concerning things with no idea how concerning he sounds, he started YOUNG JUSTICE, I—

Damian: Batgirl III is boring. Surely she was easy to deal with?

Bruce: Are you kidding me? She got pregnant and started a gang war!

Steph: Guilty as charged. But Duke’s the normal one, so—

Bruce: You started a gang war? Duke started a gang!

Damian: I’m the perfect heir.

Bruce: You’re an assassin who is currently attempting to turn my house into a zoo. And you keep trying to murder Tim.

Jason: Eh, we’ve all been there. Except Cass. Cass hasn’t tried to murder anyone.

Bruce: Cass tried to fight Lady Shiva to the death, despite refusing to kill. Cass is not well-adjusted either.

Cass: Barbara is good.

Bruce: No, she keeps hacking the Batcomputer. And she’s dating my son. Honestly I have no idea how I’m still sane.

Alfred: I’m afraid your sanity is very much in question, Master Bruce.

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

Alfred: If you see Master Bruce, give him this message *makes a neutral face*

Alfred: He'll know what it means.

*later*

Tim: Oh, and Alfred said to give you a message.

Tim: *makes a neutral face*

Bruce: Oh no. The neutral face of displeasure.

[incorrectbatfam]

Alfred: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your pain?

Tim: Pi.

Alfred: Pi?

Tim: Low level, but never ending.

[headcanonthings]

Clark: *Laying face down on the floor* Lois: So Bruce said he liked you? Clark, muffled: Yeah Diana: ...and you asked him to marry you? Clark: Yeah Lois: Oh shit. How did he react? Clark: Dunno, I ran before I could scare him even more *Meanwhile* Bruce, kicking in the door to the Manor: Kids, Alfred! Holy shit I'm gonna get married!

[bruciemilf]

no I'm not biased abt Bruce. Where'd you get that idea

[rad-batson]

Tim: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!!

Damian: Dick said he wants me to try acting my age

Tim: So you’re having a tea party with your pet cow in the living room?!

Damian: I looked it up. Kids have tea parties. I’m having a tea party.

Tim: Why are you doing this??

Damian: To get a good grade in acting my age, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve.

Alfred: Would Master Batcow care for some more finger sandwiches?

[ktkat99]

Tim: So I overheard something at the coffee shop this morning. These two people were talking and one said that the person you are now is who you would have felt safest with as a kid.

Jason: Huh. Damn. I mean... I do protect the crime alley kids.

Tim: And I am... literally a version of Robin.

Cass: Ballerina. Hero. I love giving hugs. Yeah, makes sense.

Alfred: I never noticed that, but I guess I, too, grew into who I'd needed as a child.

Bruce, walking in wearing the Batsuit, covered in blood and scratches, holding a pissed off Damien under one arm and a kennel with a pissed off raccoon in the other: Someone tell Damien he can't have a new pet, someone else take this thing back to the woods, the rest of you please dismantle Damien's raccoon house, I'll be downstairs giving Dick stitches as he was the one who found that thing.

Damien: No! Father! Please don't get rid of Domino! I can train him to only attack our enemies! Just give me time!

Tim, Jason, Cass, Alfred, all side eyeing Bruce: Hmmm.

[firerose18991]

Knowing Bruce he's the type of Father that lets his children pick off his plate. After a certain amount of children he's learned to order two of the same plate.

[guess1mjustheren0w]

8 year old Grayson: D'you wanna bite? Bruce thinking he's getting a snack: sure Grayson:*aggressively bites his arm* Bruce: :( Alfred: he takes after you master Bruce

[bat-stuff]

Alfred: We're talking about a squad of trained killers loose on the streets. Not the kind of guys you challenge to a fist fight in your underwear.

Bruce: It's not underwear Alfred, underwear is comfortable.

[galaxymagitech]

Tim: I’m fine.

Jason: Lol, no you’re not. But lucky for you, I don’t care. Wanna go fight assassins?

—

Jason: I’m fine.

Dick: Okay, I thought you were fine, but now I’m worried.

—

Damian: I’m fine.

Tim: Is no one going to mention the fact that he’s bleeding from a head wound?

Tim: *receives a matching head wound from the stabby child*

Tim: I’m fine.

—

Dick: I’m fine.

Bruce: Going by historical precedent, I have the feeling I should’ve called Leslie an hour ago.

—

Bruce: I’m fine.

Alfred: Perhaps I should invest in a dictionary. It seems that this entire family lacks an understanding of basic English vocabulary.

[puppetmaster13u]

Mini Prompt

9 year old Dick: What are you writing?

Alfred: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house, I am simply letting them know it's private information.

5 year old Jason: ...this just says 'fuck around and find out' in cursive

[incorrect-batfam-quotes-mostly]

*Loud crash followed by a sudden thud*

Bruce:

Alfred:

Dick:

Jason:

Damian:

Everyone ever:

Tim: IM OKAY!

Everyone: *Huge collective sigh of relief*

[incorrectbatfam]

Jon: If your dad's parents died... how was he born?

Damian: Alfred.

[p1nkshield]

Jason: What are you making?

Dick: Haute cocoa.

Jason: Hot cocoa?

Dick: No. Haute cocoa. I am making the best, and fanciest cup of hot chocolate in gotham.

Jason: Is that a cup of corn starch? How much milk are you using?

Dick: Equal parts!

Jason:...Equal parts?

Dick: I gotta make it thick somehow! All fancy hot cocoas are thick. Now where is Alfred's homemade vanilla...

Jason: mmkay. ALFRED! DICK IS MAKING NON-NEWTONIAN HOT CHOCOLATE WITH YOUR GOOD VANILLA!

Dick: Shh Shh Shh! No nonono please! Why would you tell him that!

Alfred: Master Dick...

Dick: -hOW DID YOU GET HERE SO FAST!