#batman crack

[jaybarou]

Bruce Wayne becomes the rogue gallery's pet to vent to when the rumour spreads (read: Joker bitching) that Harley is spending some evenings with him.

I mean, all of them had kidnapped him at one point or another, right? Everyone has pointed a gun at Gotham's pretty boy and ranted a little. So they just... Let him talk back?

And sure, he is annoying, because nobody should have that much money and be that vapid at the same time, but??? Turns out the guy listens! And has questions!? I mean, he is not a genius like them, but there are some good questions in that ingenuity...

So some of the villains start to drop for a late threat (coffee) and sometimes their plots get deescalated before even taking off.

Harley is extremely amused by the development.

Alfred is so happy that Bruce has not had time to dress up nor has the batsignal been lit in the last weeks.

Bruce is annoyed. Annoyed because these people need a real doctor and he never finished his medicine studies. Annoyed because he wants to go out there and stop crimes. And annoyed because he has run the numbers and playing up Bruce's personna is actually preventing more crime than he ever did as Batman.

[cat008101]

I like the idea that every robin has had atleast one secret society organisation obsessed with them, except Jason. And hes a little bitter.

I find it even funnier if there just where but he 100% got distracted by book.

Shadow organisation: Hello Brother Ja-

Jason: Is this a complete hand bond collection of Emily Dickinson?

And Jason just assumed one of Bruce's weird *friends* heard he like books.

[daydreamerwonderkid]

CONTEXT: Poison Ivy got kidnapped by some baddies to harvest her pheromones and Harley tracked them down to either Crime Alley or Bludhaven. She's looking to team up and annoy the shit out of hangout with the resident vigilante to get her girlfriend back.

No, I have not written two different outlines for this premise. Shut the fuck up, you can't prove anything.

[captainshazamerica]

Batboys / Robins as cat shifters AU / as cats / turned into cats Part 2:

Tim Drake:

Jason Todd:

Richard Grayson :

Damian Wayne:

[emma-d-klutz]

More Tim screwup headcanons. One time Tim screeched at a meeting of Rogues, “If you want to fuck my dad, THERE ARE BETTER WAYS!” and then turned inwards on himself and started viciously whispering, “shut up shut up shut up shut up!" The entire meeting (they understand this is still the comedic banter time and not the capture and torture the teenager who broke into their meeting time yet) exhanges glances. Harley gestures that he's crazy. Killer Croc asks who he's talking to, and Tim points at the bluetooth in his ear and says, "Everyone is making fun of me for calling Batman dad." This brings up general mutterings among the Gallery, as there is internal disagreement over whether the Robins are Batman's kids or not. "Is he your daddy or isn't he?" Mad Hatter asks. Tim says that's a complicated question and also none of their business. "If you're just looking for adult validation, there are better ways," Harley reprimands him.

It could have happened to any of them. But it happened to Tim.

[incorrectbatfam]

Bruce is constantly asking the kids what they like to eat so he can freeze dry their favorites into oblivion as apocalypse rations

[frownyalfred]

Bruce is Clark’s “my senses/powers are going insane right now, please cover for me” person and no one in the Justice League has ever fully caught on because Bruce (as Batman) will just suddenly start picking a fight with Hal Jordan (who is always down to argue) and distract the entire League long enough for Clark to either leave or get a handle on whatever is bugging him.

[fanaticalthings]

I want an AU where after Jason gets brought back to life, he channels his inner rage and turmoil into the academics instead of murder

Talia has like infinite money and a crap ton of influence, so she can absolutely get Jason the best tutors and can easily get him into the most prestigious schools if Jason wanted to (she doesn't need to do that though because Jason's just smart enough to get into them on his own)

The major he chooses? Med.

Why? Because Bruce dropped out of med school.

Jason practically flies through all the secondary education that he needs to catch up on and is already en route to earning his bachelor's AND his master's.

And it'd be so incredibly funny if the way Bruce and Jason reunite in this AU was purely by coincidence.

Bruce (as Brucie Wayne) offers to show up as a guest lecturer at Hudson University (the school Dick attended but dropped out of so double points for Jason), maybe to talk about future career paths and job positions at WE idk

So as Bruce is just wandering around the campus, he randomly bumps into a student and immediately puts on the Brucie act and is all "Oh my, I'm SO sorry, I'm just a klutz haha" only to stop dead silent when he makes eye contact with a very alive, very grown Jason Todd, who also stops dead in his tracks, mouth agape, staring at Bruce like the world's about to end

And before Bruce can get his thoughts straight, Jason just bolts out of there like his life depends on it, and Bruce is just in shambles for the rest of the day.

It doesn't help that the person giving Bruce the tour is all like "Oh yeah, that's Jason, he's one of the heads on our student council haha, anyways, this way, Mr. Wayne." and Bruce is just stood there bluescreening.

----

Alternatively, it'd be kinda funny if this all happened AFTER the events of UTRH where after the final encounter with Bruce and Joker and the whole explosion, Jason's just like "yk what, maybe I'm just gonna turn over a new leaf and pursue a higher education"

So while Gotham's still reeling from the aftermath of Jason's near takeover as the top crime lord and Bruce is still painstakingly trying to figure out where his son went, the whole time Jason's just been chilling on a school campus and Bruce just so happens to bump into his son (who, last time they met, tried to kill Bruce and blew up the building they were all in) and Jason's just all normal-looking with his textbooks and nerdy glasses and Bruce doesn't know whether to scream or cry.

[rapplesart]

Random fic idea

Tim drake but instead of loosing his spleen he lost part of his leg.

Tim thought it was obvious he was missing his right leg from the knee down. It was a whole leg that was missing after all. Sure he was wearing a prosthetic made by Ra's' best people.

One he painfully earned after that crazy fucker made him fight a bunch of his assassins one legged in order to "proof himself as the true heir of the bat he saw in him" or something. So sure, the leg might be more advanced than most, and it imitated natural steps a lot easier and even made it possible to easily run without switching to a different leg. Truly it was a perfect leg be vigilante with. But he never even bothered to give it human like appearances.

But apparently the Fam didn't notice. When he returned with Bruce everyone was too reliefed to give Tim a closer look and it just never came up afterwards.

Tim thought they just didn't want to ask about it in a weird attempt of being polite or even caring. Bruce surely did enough research on how it happened on his own. The man spend the whole travel back to Gotham with Tim after all. Tim truly believed the world's greatest detective would have noticed his missing leg.

Except he didn't. Not if he interpreted the way they looked so incredibly disturbed by is nonchalant way of handlinh the boiling hot chemicals that landed on his metal leg. He just brushed it off, the battle continued and since nothing seemed to be injured no one pressed him when he said "Must've missed me after all"

Now, how do you deal with a family that didn't notice you're missing a leg? That's right you fuck with them.

First thing he did was buy himself a few more realistic looking prosthetic leg. It had to be custom made to fit his stump so it took a whole but it was a worthwhile investment.

The first one was Jason. Call it a twisted revenge for trying to kill him but Tim just really wanted him to be messed with the most. So one day when he knew it was only Jason and him on patrol he strategically set himself down to fall. Crunching some spaghettis to ass in a sickening way only to stand up and walk away as if nothing ever happened.... With his foot toned the wrong way around. Insisting on nothing being wrong and Jason being delusional whenever the older boy tried to get him to get medical treatment. He switched it up the whole evening, whenever he was out of sight he turned the fool right and wrong. Driving the guy insane.

Jason did not sleep well that night. He was also top weirded out and unsure if what he saw was real to talk about it with anyone else.

Then, he challenged dick to a flexibility contest seeing how far they han bend their knees and feet. Even Mr bones are a social construct gymnast Richard Grayson looked horrified as Tim stood there, food bend almost in half, knee twisted to the impossible and what looked lihe a bend in the middle of his leg. Dick claimed cheating except the thing that greeted him when he demanded Tim to puch up his pant leg to expose his trick was a normal looking leg. The first Robin did lots of stretches in the following weeks. His pride was hurt after all.

Finding a way to mess with Damian was a bit more difficult. The brat still made a bunch of harsh comments again and again and he really wasn't close enough with Tim to be easily gaslit. The kid was a trained assassin and was probably used to a bunch of weird shit considering everything Ra's. So Tim decided he could go a bit more gory on Robin than the others. So one night he sat in front of Damians room, in the dark hallway and waited till one of his pets passed him. Once Alfred the Cat came along he made some louder coping noise that would Definetly make the kid look out to check on his animals. It worked just as planned, Damian peeked out his door to see Tim, crosslegged and barefoot on the floor, seemingly cutting off his toe to feed the cat. In reality it was nothing more than a cat treat and carefully picked, animal safe food coloring.

The kid scremed at him, threatened to stab him, punched him real good for harming his cat and took off with said cat to find Alfred so the older man could check on the poor kitten. Of course not beforeaking sure Tim was in an adequate amount of pain on the floor, with his 'injured' food secured to the floor with another knife. Only to return with a worried Alfred on tow to see Tim, standing two whole bare feet with a confused expression and a bag of cat treats in the hall.

Tim got a broken nose for it but it surely was worth it. Especially once he quietly whispered a 'no one will ever belief you' to the kid in passing. He might have traumatised the boy a little but Tim fought it justified for all the attempted murder he suffered.

[cat008101]

I love the idea that pre Dick Grayson, Bruce never really expected to share the batcave with anyone, so there was only one quickly accessible toilet built in the cave. And now when theres any batfam team ups, it's a fight on who can make it to the toilet first.

[stormy-skyzzzzzz]

Alfred being concerned about Bruce’s sanity…

This panel give me life. Alfred is so real. Batman is so silly. They are adorable.

[captainshazamerica]

Batboys / Robins as dog shifters AU / as dogs / turned into dogs Part 2:

Richard Grayson:

Jason Todd:

Tim Drake:

Damian Wayne:

[lovesick-joey]

TW: table abuse (update: character death)

[incorrectbatfam]

Has Bruce ever packed the kids lunch when Alfred wasn't there? How'd it go?

[Wayne Enterprises]

Tim: Finally, time for my break.

Tim: *opens his mini fridge*

*dozens of apples fall out*

———————

[the library]

Steph: *chugs a gallon of milk*

Cass: *bites into a bread loaf*

Barbara: I'm not even gonna ask.

———————

[day patrol]

Duke: *opens his lunchbox*

Duke: *sighs*

Duke: *pulls out his bat-skillet*

Duke: *cracks an egg* *cracks an egg* *cracks an egg* *cracks an egg—*

———————

[West-Reeve Middle School]

Damian: Kent, I will trade you your cupcake for this head of lettuce.

Jon: ...

Jon: Deal.

———————

[Bludhaven]

Jason: Bruce packed our lunches. He said we're supposed to share.

Jason: *hands him a bag*

Dick: What'd you get?

Jason: A frozen turkey. You?

Dick: *opens it*

*fire alarm goes off*

[raileurta]

Idk what this is honestly

*After a Justice League meeting*

Green lantern: You know spooky with your army of children you must be quite the ladies man.

Bruce has decided to mess with Hal.

Batman: I gave birth to them lantern.

Green Lantern: I- what?

Batman: *deadpan* I. Gave. Birth. To. Them.

Green Lantern: But- I- you're a man.

Batman: I don't know how that is relevant to this conversation.

Batman: I must depart I have important business elsewhere.

Hal tells everyone, no one believes him.

[webshood]

Wayne's social media where all Tim does is be everyone's 1# hater (accidentally deleted it lol)

It always backfires with Bruce