#bruce was so funny for this

[logicalbookthief]

Who would win—an infamous assassin, or the little brother who's really good at roasting him?

[thebat-musicman]

9 year old Dick: If you’re a friendless loser and you know it, clap your hands!

Bruce:

Dick: Clap. Your. Hands.

Bruce: *clap clap*

———

12 year old Jason: HEY YOU!

Jason: HEEEEEY YOU!

Jason: HEY! YOU!

Bruce: It’s not polite to not call people by their names, Robin.

Jason: Nice try, Hey You. I know my mentor’s name.

———

13 year old Tim: You see this coffee, Bruce?

Bruce: Thank you for making this for m-

Tim: This is my coffee. You are having water. Only people who don’t break mugger’s fingers get coffee.

———

Clark: Batman, your Robins are so polite. They must have been a joy to raise.

Bruce, through clenched teeth: Such a joy.

[everwalldigan]

(Dick coming to collect Jason after he’s been “wrongfully” captured by the justice league while Batman is off world:)

Dick: Listen, Hood might be a criminal, but he’s one of Gotham’s. And he’s my brother.

JL: he killed 80 people in two days.

Dick: …he’s adopted?

Jason, glaring while bound to a chair: SO ARE YOU???

[ashoss]

my lovely son waking me up to tell me he threw up.

us waking up my wonderful butlerfather to tell him he threw up.

[batcavescolony]

*Talia visiting Damian*

Talia: Damian, how are you? *glares at Dick*

Damian: I am doing well mother

Dick: *from behind him* *mouthing: why the fuck are you here?*

Talia: oh that's great! I see you have a new pet? *Mouthing back: to see MY son*

Damian: this is Haley, Grayson's dog, she's staying with me while he goes on a mission.

Dick: *flipping Talia off where Damian can't see* yep, he's so good with animals

Talia: I'm aware *throws a knife at him*

Dick: *throws it back*

[minnow-doodle-doo]

Then Jason never kills again.

[popping-greenbean]

flinging your friends over your shoulder like potato sack. dangling them by the scruff stacking them up in your arms like laundry shoving them into your purse etc etc i love it

---

from this screenshot from 'starcrossed'

[redsray]

I love the idea of the Wayne kids dropping extremely vague and disturbing comments during galas. Especially when in uncomfortable situations or if they're just bored. They pull out things from their nightlife too. Other times they just make shit up.

Socialite: Oh, dear, your cheeks look so sullen! Who sucked the life out of you?

Tim, dead serious: An old man with a goatee.

Socialite: Uh... what?

Dick: Once I broke my knee so badly that I swear I could see part of the bone sticking out.

Socialite: Good lord. How on earth did that happen?

Dick: Just clumsy gymnast things ^^

Socialite: The white streak is certainly a bold fashion choice.

Jason: I saw someone get decapitated once, so I could be doing worse in terms of what's on my head, yknow? At least I have one.

Socialite: What's your favourite colour, sweetie?

Damian: Red.

Socialite: Oh that's lovely!

Damian: Like the blood of my enemies.

Socialite: Oh.

Socialite: You must be new to these kind of events.

Duke: Uh, yeah, they're kind of scary. But I've had worse.

Socialite: Worse.

Duke: Well I've been left on top of a skyscraper before with no way down just to 'get over my fear of heights' so, yes.

Socialite: You don't talk very loud, do you? I can barely hear you.

Cass, with a straight face: If I spoke any louder every glass in the room would shatter.

Tim, behind her: I can vouch.

[mikeluciraphgabe]

Jason hitting the panic button in his sleep cuz he was still in his uniform and rolled over but because he’s in one of his safe houses the signal is all messed up and the Batfam is in chaos trying to find him but Jason is just “zzzz” the whole time

[mylifeingotham]

[ditzybat]

jason who was expecting tim at titans tower: who tf are you?

robin steph, half in her pjs half in uniform eating a whole tub of peanut butter while watching kuwtk: robin, duh

jason: but you’re a girl?

steph: obviously

jason worried he got his intel wrong: but, robin cant be a girl he’s—

steph: wowwwww, i didnt think the red hood was sexist, see this is why spoilers better

jason: … i’ll be seeing myself out

steph turning back to her show: yeah, you and your spirit halloween robin costume go do that…

[hehether]

Reverse! AU where most of them don't have no killing code, and Jason is a priest 🧍‍♂️

Vampire king Dick's dad was Edward Cullen Battinson trust me

[dragonpyre]

Reverse Robin au but the ages aren't changed. Just adoption order.

[ashoss]

the rest of the flock :)

part 2 to this

[violent138]

"Flash take the controls," Hal ordered, opening the hatch at the back.

Barry blinked, noticing the empty pilot's seat and zooming into it, shouting, "Are you crazy? I don't know how to fly this thing?!"

"What?" Hal demanded. Something exploded on the planet.

"I'm a forensic scientist!" Barry yelled, wildly pressing buttons. "Isn't there some kind of autopilot?" Looks back to see Hal gone.

Their spaceship proceeds to nose dive towards the alien planet, and Barry starts screaming--

Batman paused the footage, turning to the newer members. "And that's why flight training is now mandatory for all members of the League."

[lustwithoutlore]

Damian, walking into the Batcave: I require assistance.

Dick: Sure, Dami! What can I help you with?

Damian: Not from you.

Bruce, thinking: Damian... Damian needs... father's help? MY help?

Bruce, being way too fucking smug: Ah, well, Dick, don't be sad. Sometimes a boy just needs his father. How can I help you, son?

Damian: Not from you, either. I require assistance from Stephanie.

Stephanie: HA! SUCK IT, BRUCE!