#cptsd support

[recoverr]

i hope it hurts a little less. day by day. week by week. i hope the ache in your chest eases. maybe it won't entirely, maybe it will. may the thought of feeling joy again alone be enough to keep you going, even if for a while.

[neuroticboyfriend]

get in bitches, we're surviving rock bottom no matter how much further we dig. one day we'll put down the shovel and climb out of this for good. we have to. as long as we're still alive there is hope.

[intersexfairy]

hey uh. don't listen to the people who say the bullying won't matter once you get out of school. because shit. it will.

bullying is peer abuse. it's traumatizing. and while getting out of the environment helps, the hurt doesn't go away. all the things ingrained in you don't go away. just because your bullies might not be in your life doesn't mean the awful things they did to you don't matter. they are still very significant people in your life.

please don't brush it off. please treat yourself with kindness and fight for the support and safety you deserve. you are not the person your bullies thought you were. you never were. you deserve to be happy and confident, and minimizing what happened won't lead to that.

[spacefaringamoeba]

I hate that I'm considered "high functioning". I barely qualify for any "level" of disability in my country and I will never get a disability income. Yes. I'm able to go to work. But I will not be able to hold it for more than a few months before getting burned out and having daily meltdowns. No, having 10 minutes extra work break won't help me. Neither will wearing headphones or carrying fidgets. I'm literally not able to work 40h a week without severe negative consequences... How do i fucking exist in this society!

[nothing0fnothing]

I am 25 and I am exhausted. All the time. I am fatigued. All the time. I need space and to be alone. All the time. I want to lay down. All the time. I need a nap. All the time.

Ive been so scared that this is a sign that I will always be this lethargic, exhausted mess of a person. That I'll never live a normal life because I'll always be tired and sleepy and low energy. But I need to be kind to myself.

I need to acknowledge that although things have been fine for 3 years, things weren't fine for 22 years. I had terribly abusive and non empathetic parents who didn't put my needs first. Then I was in an abusive relationship. Then I was homeless. Then I was in another abusive relationship. Then I went no contact.

In my head this is the first time things have been OK. And I need to process and breathe and rest and be patient with myself and understand that I need to be patient with myself. That I will not just jump out of my trauma and into a normal life and suddenly be OK.

These are my first steps to healing. This account, the meds, the therapy, the good relationship, the stable environment and yes, the rest. I need it all. I will be OK. Eventually.

[cappuccinosandclouds]

REQUESTING MUTUAL AID

Black queer disabled DID system in need of assistance getting necessary medications.

Current goal: $500

Any and all assistance is appreciated. Includes sharing even if you can't donate. Thank you for your time <3

CashApp: $11km5

PayPal: 11kem5

Venmo: kem115

[lost-in-prose]

What is CPTSD?

This is going to be a long haul, okay? I will break this into sections so that it isn't so much to take in at once. When you see (☆☆☆☆) it means there is a break in information, and you can step away if need be, without getting lost.

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: READ AT OWN DECRETION⚠️

!!This should in no way be used as a diagnosis!!

Where It All Begins: 

People diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD or CPTSD) are often victims of prolonged childhood trauma that questions their sense of security and of self (Davis, 2019), usually spanning months if not years. This could be a result of emotional, physical, or mental abuse; sexual abuse; domestic violence; growing up in a war zone or being held captive; or human trafficking; among others. This trauma stops the part of your brain that regulates emotion, the amygdala, from growing as it should, stunting its growth at only 80% of its true size (Garrett, 2019). The growth of the children's brain is also damaged because the child's neurological and psychological development, leaving the function of their brain permanently damaged for the rest of their life. Because of this it is considered a Developmental Trauma Disorder, or DTD, because the effects aren't usually seen until later in life, after the child can escape the traumatic situation. Often, children that have experienced these traumas can be classified as ACEs, or as experiencing Adverse Childhood Experiences.

CPTSD is not acknowledged in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Five (DSM-V or DSM-5), but rather grouped together with standard Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because of this error, Complex PTSD isn't accepted as its own stand-alone disorder and most do not get diagnosed with it unless psychologists/psychiatrists accept it as its own disorder (Davis, 2019). This, however, can be very detrimental to those who actually have the disorder, since the symptoms of CPTSD are much more severe than those of PTSD (Garret, 2019).

☆☆☆☆

Physical Symptoms of CPTSD:

Some of these are symptoms I personally have and others are ones I have read about/researched:

Shrinkage of amygdala

Risk of developing immune issues, diabetes, and heart diseases in the future

Increased heart rate

Increased levels of adrenaline which causes shaking and high blood pressure

Headaches and/or migraines

Talking way too fast

Loosing large chunks of time throughout the day for no reason

Chronic fatigue

Sleeping with hands on/around your neck or touching your neck excessively

Insomnia

Slower reaction time

Heart arrhythmias

Raise in body temperature

Worsening of PMS symptoms

No energy

Overreactive nerves

Hyper senses

Auditory processing problems

Emotional/Mental Symptoms of CPTSD:

Some of these are symptoms I personally have and others are ones I have read about/researched:

Compartmentalizing way too well

Wonder if you manipulate people to love you/feeling like you are genuinely unlovable

Feeling unreal

Too good at adjusting to new circumstances/can make a home in the worst situations and have no problem with it

The irrational side and rational side of yourself constantly fighting (knowing you are freaking out over nothing but being unable to stop it)

Hypersensitivity

Unexplainable feeling of doom/dying early

A. Lot. Of. Anger. And. Barely. Contained. Rage.

Good in a crisis, only to fall apart later and/or over little things

A delayed grief process (mostly due to being unable to regulate your emotions well)

Basic inability to control emotions (aka light switch emotions)

Extremely violent intrusive thoughts

Somatic/emotional flashbacks (unlike PTSD, there is not a visual component to these flashbacks)

Imagining yourself in horrible situations where you get all the sympathy (side effect of not being loved enough as a child)

Extreme attachment issues on both sides of the spectrum (isolation and clinging)

Feels like no one knows you truly/don't trust anyone/can't tell people how they feel

Think is only extremes

Triggers

Manic/depressive episodes

Obsessive need for revenge

Hypo/Hyper sexualizing yourself

Mistaking hypervigilance for being an empath

Associating unrelated things to trauma

Little to no memory of childhood/time before trauma

ADD/ADHD

Other mental illnesses including depression, anxiety, maladaptive daydreaming, age regression, suicidal thoughts, borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorders, somatization disorder, etc.

Loss of hope/inability to feel hope

Easily over-stimulated

Chronic nightmares/night terrors

Warped sense of self

Hyperarousal (easily startled)

Downplaying everything

Feeling like you are never enough for others/constantly trying to prove that you are (aka overcompensating)

Panic attacks/anxiety attacks

Miscellaneous:

Some of these are symptoms I personally have and others are ones I have read about/researched:

Problems with religious beliefs/faith

Feeling as if there is a gaping hole physically in the center of your chest, often agonizing

Often imagines a little child hiding within your skin/beside you watching at all times

Very good with/kind to/understanding of children and strangers

Imagining scenarios at night to calm yourself enough to fall asleep

No tight clothes

Things can't touch your neck

People can't stand behind you

Rewatching/rereading movies/TV shows/books repeatedly

Psychoanalyze everyone you meet

Extremely careless with own life but extremely protective over anyone else's, especially those you care for

Grew up way too fast

Looks for a hero/rescuerer/parental role to fulfill for friends

Likes sour or spicy food

Hating competition

Feeling intense jealousy over those who got help

Hating intimacy (emotional or physical)

Drawn towards hard sciences/mental sciences

Intense need to be loved but hating it/not looking for it

Hard time communicating

The profound sense that you are okay with being the villain and you may even strive to be one (and not in the cute 'I'd love to be Loki way',, but rather completely fine with betraying/hurting/killing others)

Sitting on the floor of your shower because you can't even imagine standing up

Having a problem with authority, either by hating it and acting out or being terrified of it

Addictive personality

Never let yourself stop moving long enough to be in your own head/too scared to allow yourself to think 

☆☆☆☆

Healing from CPTSD:

You cannot escape flashbacks until you deal with your trauma head on. I will tell you right now I have been healing from mine for 3 years and I'm not even halfway done. Just be patient. You have to rewire your entire brain all over again. It's going to be hard because those with CPTSD have no 'model' for what it's like (Garrett, 2019), but you've got this. I believe it you <3

Participate in self care

Heal your inner child (I do this by doing thing I never did as a child. I jump on my bed. I have dance parties alone in my room. I sneak snacks at midnight. I run with my arms wide and wave them like airplane wings. Whatever your healing looks like, do it)

Trauma-informed therapy

Behavioral therapy

☆☆☆☆

Resources For You:

SAMHSA's National Helpline: 1-800-662-4537

NAMI Helpline: 1-800-950-6264

NIMH Helpline: 866-615-6464

Mental Health America Hotline: text MHA to 741741

Crisis Text Line: text CONNECT to 741741

National Suicide Hotline: 988

☆☆☆☆

Works Cited:

https://cptsdfoundation.org/2019/09/03/what-is-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd/

https://www.psychalive.org/injured-not-broken-why-its-so-hard-to-know-you-have-cptsd/

https://themighty.com/topic/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/habits-living-with-complex-ptsd

☆☆☆☆

Quizzes:

THESE ARE NOT DIAGNOSTIC TESTS. DO NOT TAKE THE RESULTS OF THESE QUIZZES AS A SURE-SIGN THAT YOU HAVE CPTSD

Mind Diagnosis

D'Amore Mental Health

Main post can be found here.

[cultsurvivorsafe]

If you're an apostate, I support you.

If you're a defector, I support you.

If you're an SP, I support you.

If you're a cult survivor, I support you.

[furiousgoldfish]

What not to do when trying to support a traumatized or mentally ill person:

Don't assume they've done something wrong for this to happen to them.

Don't try to tell them they've done something wrong to deserve this.

Don't assume this couldn't happen to you. It could.

Don't attempt to apply stereotypes to their situation. It's likely you don't know exactly what's going on with them, unless they've told you.

Don't assume you know better/understand better about this than they do. They've been struggling with this for a while. They're intimately familiar with it.

Don't give them unwanted advice. If they ask you for advice, then you can advise them, but continuous unprompted 'why don't you do x and y' is not going to help.

Don't minimize their problem. Don't tell them they're being lazy/childish/unreasonable for having symptoms, being tired, being unwilling to do certain activities. They don't deserve to be told their struggles are nothing. Nobody deserves that.

Don't say 'I just would do x'. You don't know what you would do. You're not them. X might not even have been an option in their situation.

Don't compare their struggles with someone else's, either to make them feel like "it could have been worse", or to say "it's the worst". These things do not need to be compared, and we're not in a competition of who has it worse. Everyone's struggle deserves support and attempts to make it easier on the person.

Don't try to compete with them. If you want to share your struggles with them, it's possible to do it in a respectful way, without ever one-upping or implying that you're the one who has it worse. We are not in a competition.

Don't try to change how they behave. If a traumatized person is showing a certain behaviour, it's often the best they can do at the moment, and they do not need to be shamed or pressured to change for someone. If the behaviour is harmful, it's okay to pull yourself back to safety.

Don't think you can 'save' them. Don't try to build yourself up in their eyes as 'the only one who understands' or as 'someone who can fix it all', because you can't. And they're not here to support your personal 'hero fantasy', or to act the part of someone who's being 'saved', for the sake of your ego.

Don't ignore their boundaries, even if you feel they're unreasonable. Traumatized and mentally ill people get to build their boundaries any way they feel comfortable with, and nobody gets to judge it. Do not tell them it's unreasonable. Do not try to argue them down.

Don't assume they're able to completely heal from this. Sometimes they won't, and it can hurt to see that expectation put on them.

Don't experiment on them. Don't try to trigger them, thinking you can fix the trauma once it comes up. Don't change up your behaviour just to see how they'll react to it. Don't play the devil's advocate just to upset them and to see them react emotionally. These people's struggles are not your entertainment. They're not here to be your test subjects.

Don't drain them. Even if someone traumatized gives you their attention and care, don't ever forget that they need this energy for themselves as well.

Don't judge them for the things you don't understand. If they're doing something harmful to themselves, or engaging in activities that in long term bring damage to their body, it's very likely they're already judging themselves for it, or feeling guilty. Shame will not motivate them to stop. Judgment will only leave them feeling alone and helpless.

Don't give them a time frame in which they're supposed to get 'better' or they'll be considered failures in your eyes. Not only it's impossible to recover with any kind of deadline, but you don't get to call them failures. Nobody is a failure for doing things in their own time, in their own way.

Don’t try to indoctrinate them into your religion, or insist that the religion will help them out of this. It’s opportunist, predatory, and insulting. If they wanted to reach to religion for help, they would not be waiting around for you to tell them. Religion might be the part of why they’re traumatized.

What to do when you're attempting to support a traumatized, or a mentally ill person:

Be patient with them.

Ask them if they want to talk about it. Should you get a 'no' as an answer, respect it.

If they do feel safe talking to you about it, believe them.

If their story is scaring you, or making you want to yell at them, try not to yell. It's okay to feel concern, but if your first reaction is yelling, or a big emotional outburst, they might assume that their reality is too upsetting, and never talk about it again. They also might feel that it was a mistake opening up to you.

Stay calm and accept that whatever is happening, was likely happening for a while, and you're being trusted with it as a safe person. Be worthy of the trust.

Acknowledge where they've been in a tough situation. It's possible they're not realizing just how bad their situation is, or how hard they've struggled. Remind them that they've been enduring a lot of heavy stuff, that the burden on them is big, and that it's okay that they're tired from carrying it. Acknowledgment can mean a lot to traumatized people.

Be consistent. Make sure they know what to expect from you. Traumatized people need stability, continuity, consistency and the ability to rely that people will treat them consistently with kindness.

Point out to them when something they're going thru is not normal. A lot of traumatized people have learned to accept painful and terrifying situations as normal. It's good to give them a reference so they would know their situation is extreme or considered to be traumatic.

Point out that their feelings are normal. Often, traumatized people will judge their own feelings to be wrong, or worry that they're feeling too much, or being unreasonable. It can mean a lot to have their own feelings acknowledged and accepted.

Make sure they know they're valuable and welcome in your life, regardless of their struggles. They might worry that their value in other people's eyes is dropping, due to them being often tired, isolated or unwell.

Get excited for them when things go well, when something good happens, when they're happy. It's probable that they don't get many joys, and having someone happy for them might mean a lot.

If you want to do something specific for them, ask them if they're comfortable with it. Don't put pressure on them, and don't ask them to put up with things they're uncomfortable with. It's always good to ask if something is a good idea or not.

Treat them as you would treat someone who is doing the best they can, who you're pleased with, who has deserved a rest from pain and a refuge to feel safe in. Let them know that you don't think they should be put thru any more hardships.

Let them know you have faith in them, in their choices and their instincts.

If they seek support from you, give only as much as you feel comfortable with. It's okay to make boundaries here, and to give yourself space if you feel like the problem is bigger than what you can handle. You do not need to put your own emotional health on hold, in order to help. Most traumatized people would be mortified to know they've caused damage to someone else, and it's okay to make sure you're feeling safe and comfortable as well.

[moonlit-positivity]

Preparing for a Crisis Situation

[Disclaimer: I am not a therapist. I am just some rando on the internet with way too much time on her hands (😭). Contrary to what I've written, the advice in this post is not a substitute for real crisis support. If you are feeling actively suicidal and unsafe, please contact your local crisis unit and take your health & safety seriously.]

This is going to be a long post. Heads up for that.

So you're having a real bad panic attack & contemplating suicide. Your body is activated, your head is spinning, you're gonna reach for the knife. What can you do to make it better? Let's talk options outside of crisis support.

But first, let's talk about why there is a need to address options outside of crisis support in the first place, and why I feel the need to write something like this to begin with. Because yeah, ultimately, this is such a tricky topic to talk about and it's not something to be fooled around with. But for some of us who are actively fighting these types of thoughts on a daily basis, I hope this post can give you a sense of how to imitate a safety zone for when it goes from bad to worse and you feel like there's no one to call.

Suicide awareness is the issue of how to cope with stress. How to cope with the panic and anxiety and hopelessness of when it gets too big to handle by yourself.

The issue with crisis support, is that there is such a huge problem around institutionalization that forces people into a situation with unsafe mental health professionals and abusive staff. And it's incredibly dehumanizing to be forced into the equivalent of an adult time out in a facility that may or may not treat you like you're an actual human being in a safe, clean, and humane facility.

Lets not pretend that people arent still being forced into hospitalization as a form of control and punishment and abuse and subjected to abuse and unsanitary conditions. It still happens. Yes. Even in 2024, this is still an every day occurrence.

So when the panic hits, let's talk about what you can do to plan & prepare for a real crisis situation.

Preparing for Crisis: Safety Plan

Ah yes, the grippy sock vacation ole' reliable. The safety plan.

It may feel dumb & stupid to fill this out, but the purpose is to become aware of what triggers your panic and anxiety, and also what helps vs what makes it worse. That way you can counteract it with your favorite soothing methods. This helps so you can also gauge it on a scale of "yeah I can coast this out by myself" vs "nah fam I need help".

Here is an example of mine:

I feel unsafe when: My alters are too loud, I'm being talked over, not being listened to, the neighbor is outside yelling, I'm having flashbacks, anxiety, triggered, being looked at by others, breathing too hard, breathing too fast, body feels heavy, body feels frozen, can't move, can't breathe, crying a lot, body convulsing, racing thoughts, paranoid thoughts, fearful, heart beating too fast, etc

My triggers are: talking too loud, talking too soft, talking at all (I am nonverbal sometimes), flashbacks, anxiety, yelling, emotional abuse, personal space, privacy, being told what to do, loud noises, can't control my environment, being looked at

What would help: space to be alone, throwing a tantrum, coloring, ripping up a cardboard box, puzzles, activities, video games, teddy bears, comfort items, talking w my therapist, looking out a window, daydreaming, singing, humming, music, warm blanket, juice box, snacks

What would not help: looking at me, direct eye contact, yelling, screaming, accusatory language, demeaning me, being mean to me, hurting me, physical touch, comfort

Who can I call: my therapist, my cat, my teddy bear, my case manager, my neighbors, warm line, etc. Talk to your favorite fictional characters. They are there for you.

Where can I go: outside, the park, local burger joint, my kitchen, the bathroom, the spare bedroom, etc.

Preparing for Crisis: Remove The Weapons

Quarantine any and all unsafe items. Knives, guns, medicines, needles, extension cords, etc. Throw them out, lock them up, or give them to someone safe to hold onto. Remove them from the house entirely.

We can go deeper with this. Kitchen knives got you feeling stabby? Replace them with plastic kitchenware. Razor blades & meds? Disposable razors & medisets.

Spend some time considering what changes you can make around the house. Make your home feel safe.

Warning Signs: Change Your Environment

The quickest way to ground and self soothe is to make an immediate change in your environment. If the room is dark, turn on the lights. Open the windows. Open the doors. Step outside. Step into a different room. If there's no sound, turn on the TV. Put on a podcast. YouTube white noise and soundscapes.

This can work in other ways too. Grab the headphones. Grab a peppermint or a lemon drop or something spicy/sour. Grab something to drink. Grab a stim. Slime, play doh, something with texture, something you can fidget.

Take some time to think about what you'd like to use. You can put together a lil box full of trinkets and odds and ends for quick access. Control your environment to simulate what you'd imagine your ideal safe space to look like.

Warning Signs: Reconnect with Reality

Stand outside. Seriously, just do it. It helps. Open a window. Get some fresh air. Just do it. 5 minutes. Just 5 minutes.

Take deep breaths and ground yourself. Focus on something around you. Anything. What is it? What color is it? How big or small is it? Can you touch it? Is it cold? Is it warm? Can you squeeze it?

Warning Signs: Disconnect From The Stress

Put the phone down and get into an activity. Play a video game. Make some art. Draw your feelings. Color. Crochet. Anything hands on. Step away from the situation and do something relaxing or fun or otherwise stimulating for ur hands and brain to focus on.

This sucks. Yeah. But you're gonna make it worse by continually interacting and engaging with whatever it is that's stressing you out so big and hard that you're spiraling.

Even just 5 minutes will help. But it's a good idea to try for longer. Do you ever really consider how much stress you take in from other people's bullshit on the internet? Think about it.

Crisis Mode: Shut Down & Nest

One way to coast through a massive panic attack is to bunker down somewhere safe and sweat it out. So make a nesting space for you to crawl to while your body cries it out.

This can look like crawling in bed with the lights ON so you can still see and ground yourself through it, or laying on the couch with the lights ON and other comforts around.

Nesting is also good for recovery as a whole. Nesting can give us that sense of safety, that sense of comfort we're missing out on. It's a good idea to consider what areas of your home feel safest for you, and how you can make a lil nesting hole for you to run to. Make it safe, make it private, make it all your own.

Crisis Mode: Human Interaction

It's important to know when you can't coast it out on your own. Seek a human interaction. Any human will do. Neighbors, friends, family, warm lines, support groups, etc. Call someone. Inbox someone. Talk it out. Take a walk. Look at humans. Be human and be around humans.

If none of those apply, here's a really niche thing to try: Podcasts, let's plays, and YouTube videos are seriously goated for the friendly and warm atmosphere of having a conversation with someone.

But please remember if that is not enough then you should really consider reaching out to someone who knows you exist.

Crisis Mode: Where To Find Support

National suicide hotline: call or text 988

Reddit: r/adultsurvivors, r/C-PTSD, r/traumatoolbox

Discord: Trauma Survivors

NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)

Aftermath: Self Care

Look, nobody likes this okay and that's fine. Shower, or take a sink wash up. Baby wipes. No clean clothes? Go naked. There are no rules. You deserve to feel human again.

Do one good soul cleansing thing for yourself. This can be anything. Even just saying it out loud, "damn that was rough. I'm glad I made it." Self care is a mindset. It doesn't have to be big. Take some care for your self, however you need it.

Aftermath: Emotional Regulation

Take a deep breath. Soothe your nervous system. Roll your shoulders, wiggle your body, and breathe. Yes, there is actual science behind this shit. I have a longer & more in depth post about it here.

Final thoughts

Please remember that none of this is actually acredited or liscenced or anything at all. These are just things I've personally gone through that have helped me coast out massive panic attacks that had me spiraling into unsafe territory.

Hope this helps 🌸

[s1l4s-l1k3s-t0m4t03s]

the main reason for ana rn is that if i look so sickly and thin and disgusting nobody will ever hurt me again

[neuroticboyfriend]

After seeing this Mental Health Pain Scale a while ago, I realized that it doesn't really work well for people whose mental wellness changes frequently (ex: people with BPD or C-PTSD, addicts), and very extremely. So, I made some tweaks for myself, and hopefully it can help others:

Here's a version with a table :) Emotional Distress Scale

0 - I feel great! This is the best I’ve felt in a long time!

1 - I’m feeling really good! There’s no distress to address.

2 - I’m feeling good. If I start feeling bothered, I can be easily distracted or cheered up.

3 - I’m okay, but there are some things bothering me. I can easily cope with them, though.

4  - I could be better. There are a few things distressing me right now. It’s not exactly easy to deal with, but I still have the skills to get through it.

5 - I’m not okay. It’s getting harder to do the things I want to do, but I can do them. My coping skills aren’t working as well anymore, but enough of them work to get me through the day. I need some support.

6 - I’m feeling bad, and it’s very hard to do the things I need or want to do. Most of my coping skills aren’t effective right now, and it’s taking a lot of energy to stay stable. I need help.

7 - I’m feeling awful. It’s hard to focus on anything but my emotions, and/or I’m avoiding things that distress me. I can’t do much but try to take care of myself, which is already hard in itself. I’m running low on, or have run out of, effective coping skills. I need a lot of help right now.

8 - I’m feeling awful, and I can’t escape it anymore. How I feel is affecting every part of my day, and I’m reaching the point where I can’t function. It’s hard to sleep, eat, socialize, etc. I need help before I can’t handle anything.

9 - This is approaching the worst I could feel. I can’t function anymore. My emotions have totally consumed me. I may be a danger to myself or others, or I may be neglecting myself. I need urgent help.

10 - This is the worst I’ve felt ever/since [last time]. I can’t care for myself at all. My emotions are so intense, I’m at imminent risk of dangerously acting on them. I need crisis support immediately.

11 - I have acted on my emotions and hurt myself or someone else. Everything else in my life is impossible to comprehend. I need medical care and/or crisis support immediately.

Note that this doesn't really work well if your positive states end up being unhealthy (ex: mania, idealization, etc.), so it's geared towards negative emotions. This is also meant to be about how you feel NOW. The other scale works best for viewing your overall state.

[autumnsvoice87]

Last night, I had a bad anxiety attack that made me spiral down a dark habit hole. I am polyamorous but I also have the dark secret of having fear of abandonment issues. I was suddenly so scared that everyone was going to leave me. I decided to give my love of junk journaling a try for some art therapy. This is what I did. I've been getting a great response on Facebook and thought I'd share this as well on here since this piece is an embodiment of my emotional hell.

After taking anxiety meds, I felt a lot better. I also felt more stable after sleeping. I do have cptsd and depression/anxiety disorder. I have a lot of trauma in my past that I'm trying not to let ruin my relationships. It's a battle that's really hard. One thing I kept trying to push in my brain last night was that even a broken mosiac deserves and is worthy of love.

I've been feeling really insecure lately because of my herniated disk that's left me physically disabled. I have a hard time doing the things I used to do, and it's taking its toll on my mental health.

I feel so left out of people's lives, and it's not even anyone's fault. Not even I'm to blame. It's not like I woke up and chose this. I also didn't choose to have a traumatic childhood. Sigh. Anyway....here's to mental health awareness.

[d3lusi0nal-d33r]

"dude how are u so chill about everything? like ur life is a living hell-" weed. marijuana. devils lettuce if u will. im smokin and tokin nine times a day.

[starspd]

something that has given me mixed feelings in my trauma recovery is realizing that people, even abusers, can change.

they can! it’s true! and that may seem scary, like maybe it invalidates our responses (such as desiring to cut them out) but the thing is, even if they can change, even if they DO, we do not have to be there for it.

we do not owe them anything. we can leave them if we want. even if they become to best, kindest person in the world, we can still never talk to them again.

my mom has made changes. not as many as she could, but changes. i still hate her. i still limit contact as much as you can when you live with someone. and i’m allowed to. i don’t owe her shit.

i also used to be angry and aggressive as a kid. i wasn’t a bully really, i was kind most of the time, but when i got angry i couldn’t control it and was known to resort to physical attacks. when i finally got to see a psychiatrist, in my report my dad described it as “when he got angry he would go off the rails, like he became a different person”. that was from many factors, primarily unsupported autism and developing BPD + CPTSD from what my mom put me through.

i have changed. i truly have. and that’s fantastic! i no longer hurt people. i can get snappy, especially at my mom, but i no longer verbally or physically attack them. but another part that can upset me, but i realize is fair, is that the people i hurt still don’t have to like me. that’s hard, it is, but it’s fair and they deserve that, because i deserve to hate my mom too.

people can change. but that doesn’t mean we have to stick around for it.

[traumaalchemy]